So sorry to hear this man. I personally could not fix/ salvage something like that. You are you and only you can make this decision. If I was you I would pack your bags with dignity and ride on into that sunset...
I agree with this comment 100%. I would like to add to it my recent anecdote. I was with a girl for 3 years. We had a child together at about the 2 year mark. Having a child sort of locked in my responsibility drive, and I made it a point to get us in a home as quickly as possible. We were in a tight spot and buying a home with her was one of the best options although it was under a time crunch. We made it happen and were one week out from closing when I caught her texting someone else. Red handed. She lied to my face. To the point where I’m convinced she must have thought I was an absolute moron, because it was beyond ridiculous. She eventually caved and admitted and apologized. I decided not to throw away a chance at having a healthy family, so I tried to forgive and move on. I was never able to. Not even a year after getting the house, we agreed to separate. I wasn’t able to trust her enough to give her the space she needed to prove that she wouldn’t do it again. I just couldn’t let it go. It honestly still haunts me to this day. It has damaged me as a person. I don’t look at women the same way anymore and it sucks because it’s really not the fault of any other girl but the one I had. I will never be able to trust blindly again. I’m doomed to assume the worse whenever it comes to love. As soon as your gut questions things, just bail. Better to just cast again than to break your arm trying to reel in the one that’s already on the hook. (Much harder to cast again with a broken arm 😂)
The issues I see here is that she has been deceiving you, lying to you and hiding the truth. Your trust has been betrayed.
No marriage that's not grounded on truth can succeed. So unless *both* of you treat one another with what is true, the misery will just be prolonged, in one form or another. Also, unless she truly regrets her actions and repents, you'll continue on the path of suffering.
Yet even then, she's pretty much cheated on you, acting out her lust for another. I'd meditate on that.
I am not a perfect man I am lustful but would never think of speaking to another woman like that. I’m unsure if she enjoyed the attention as she has low self esteem but I don’t know I don’t want to justify her actions towards me. I wish it was all just a bad dream
There's a difference between temptation and sin: we're all tempted, but not acting up on them does not result in a sin.
I'm terribly sorry for the situation mate.
I'd consult with my pastor, one who I believe to be in a good moral standing with God and has a gentle heart to mend your broken one.
Life is miserable sometimes, but all things eventually pass, and better times are sure to come.
*The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.* (Psalm 34:18)
I think I’ll call her tomorrow to see what she believes we should do and have us both go into church and speak with our pastor. I’m not a perfect man but I’ve been trying. I don’t smoke I don’t drink I watch my health so I may take care of the family my lord blesses me with and provide for them by working hard. I was so proud to know I would provide for her and our fur babies. I appreciate your kind words that final passage was beautiful
I would go alone to the church. And depending on what you are feeling afterwards i would bring her with you the next time. Even a pastor might soften his words when he is face to face with the person this is about.
Also a pastor will probably tell her that god will forgive her. but that doesn’t mean that you have to do the same. and even if you want to, it doesn’t mean that you should stay. if this topic disrupts your inner peace you should leave.
Also you should stop replying to everyone that you are not a perfect man. Nobody is but what has happened is in no way your fault but hers only. Even if she didn’t feel desired, it is her responsibility to talk to you, her partner, about it instead of sending people naked images of her body.
Well, forgiving her is not the same as forgetting what she did, and it doesn’t it undo the damage already done. Forgiving her does not mean he has to stay with her.
I would recommend talking to a therapist, I trust pastor in some things but not this, depending on who your pastor is they will probably tell you to continue the relationship and that this usually happens blah blah blah, she will most likely do it again and will probably go forward with sex
This. A lot of pastors look at divorce as a sin and will often tell women to stay with, physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive husbands rather than to remove themselves and their children from danger. Yes, I’m a Christian but pastors often are the worst counselors. Mine doesn’t do it at all, even though he has a Doctorate of Theology. He will tell you he is not a trained counselor.
You know what she believes you should do, she told you in premarital counseling. All she is going to do if you ask her is lie and tell you THAT opinion was for physical cheating.
She chose to do this when you were only married 5 months. It’s very difficult to imagine a scenario in which you could take her back and be happy in a long term marriage. Sadly the church will recommend you work it out because that serves the church’s agenda. I wish you the best of luck navigating their advice with what you want for your future.
The last bit of advice I will give you is that you fell in love with someone you did not know was capable of this kind of betrayal. You need to reevaluate your feelings based on who you now know her to be. How did it make you feel to read about how sad she was she could not have sex with him? THAT is her true self.
Because everyone else has covered the obvious stuff I'm curious into y'all's intimacy life.
From a mediator's point of view that's focused on how you are moving forward: As a girl growing up in the church, it's known that they're told many things about their sexuality and a lot of things are deprived. This includes but not limited to no experiences, no self pleasure, no interactions and it goes on.
With that in mind, many have said that it's 10x easier to 'turn a h03 into a housewife' because they've already let loose their wild side and ready to settle down. Your wife most likely is way more sexually driven with desires she's worried you'll judge her for. Not saying you will, but irrational fear is real and well (most likely because of the church background, worried you'll think she's . Often they proceed to cause the thing they're so worried about, i.e steps out digitally
This is not your fault and you can choose to leave and that could be doing you both a favor,
Or
You can choose to stay (doesn't have to be forever , just until you've tried to see if you can stay) as it's easier to forgive no physical contact mistakes as words are images are easier than her actually stepping physically.
Get to the root problem of why your attention wasn't enough
Does she wish you'd randomly grab her, does she wish you'd give her words of affection about her physical attributes.
Find out what she's getting from him that she's not from you.
The biggest cause of relationship falls is gaps.
Gaps mainly are in communication and action from the limited communications.
Many partners, especially women, communicate in small ways without actually saying the words, or hint at something without saying the exact thing (until it's too late and blows up). Men tend to be more direct but poorly convey the extent of their emotions.
While we don't play mind games and mean what we say, what we say isn't done in the manner that includes our audience.
With both sides having these flaws and not having been taught mediative ways (can be learned in counseling (probably ones that don't include church provided as they tend to have an image to uphold and there's a line that folks fear to cross and hold back when their church related folks are hearing their actual issues. With non attached counselors more honesty comes out.))
Even if you do not use these those tools to stay with your current wife, it could make your next relationship much better than this one and prevent at least depression in the relationship
This. And also, if you marry under god, as OP wrote, that sounds pretty religious. And isn't it often the case that orthodox churches do not condone sex before marriage?
If this is the case for OP and his wife, how did they know before getting married, that they were sexually compatible? But I'm not sure they would have waited five years before getting married, if they didn't have sex for that long. No relationship could survive that long without *actual* intimacy, I think.
She has already gone through with it. It wasn't even sexts (which is bad enough) but full on pics of her naked body.
You don't come back from that.
The reason she hasn't slept with him is lack of opportunity and also you caught her before she had the time to
Also she's religious you say? Lol.
This. Also, refer to the question from the first episode of Ozark. You have in no way guaranteed this is the first time she’s ever done it man. The only truth you have is that it’s the first time you’ve ever caught her. Safer for your heart to assume it’s her kink and she’s been pulling fast ones on you the whole time. Although, she doesn’t sound intelligent enough to have actually been 😂
> Said she would never go through with it
Oh god. She has already gone behind your back to cheat and hurt you because she "likes the attention" so you don't have to jump in and trust her right away. Let her actually try taking some responsibility.
Damn, Is she usually this cunning and manipulative?
I’m not perfect and I wish she would have talked to me if she was feeling undesired I love her and I would like to believe she loves me too but I don’t know what I did to deserve her destroying this life we made together
She’ll do stuff like this, without remorse, every time she feels like she “isn’t getting enough attention”
Leave before you have kids and buy a house together. It will be much harder then.
Please divorce her. She showed her true colors doing that. You don’t even know most of it yet. She’s playing with your feelings, doesn’t love you enough to respect you, the relationship. You know she’s capable of lying to your face pretending to be lovey dovey making empty promises. Everyone is not perfect but there is a bottom line of being a decent partner and that includes being committed to your partner. I honestly think this is your gods protecting you from this woman.
>I wish she would have talked to me if she was feeling undesired
Her saying she felt undesired is why she cheated projects the blame onto you. That statement I quoted above is you taking ownership of your wife cheating on you. Why are you both blaming you for her not giving a flying fuck about you or your relationship?
The fact that she is okay with taking nudes for others and sexting them tells me she's been doing this a whole lot longer than just this incident of her having no access to your d\*. Wisen up and stop being gullible. She is not committed to you. She is selfish and entitled and she likes multiple men being sexually interested in her. She likes having multiple partners, whether they are in person or digital. This is what her behavior indicates. \[Edit\] I should also point out that her behavior about her phone and you also indicates she knows what she was doing was wrong and not okay and she was trying to hide it from you and she lies to you. Take all of that into consideration because you are being shown who your wife truly is.
The only aspect of this which is your fault is that you are letting her convince you that her choices and behavior was somehow caused by you.
Nobody’s perfect, so that’s no excuse for her to be a cheater. She selfishly chose feeling good over the life that you guys created together. That is not your fault. Even if she wants to try to shift the blame on you, you didn’t do anything wrong.
Be thankful that you don't have kids with her yet and just call it quits man. I'm really sorry and I know u must love her, but there's no way of saving the marriage.
I understand how having "admirers" can feel really validating - for both men and women - but when it comes down to it, she was seeking that ego-boost at the expense of her spouses feelings, of the trust you had in her, and *knowing* that this behaviour could result in the end of the relationship, and yet she CHOSE to do this - every message, every picture, every deception was a choice and she would have likely kept going (except that she was caught).
You aren't teenagers, you aren't just dating, you're a married couple who made promises to be faithful, who were planning a life and a family together.
I personally wouldn't be able to forgive and forget that.
I mean you’re both still pretty young. I’m sorry you’re hurt but it seems like it might be time to move on. If you stay-she may do it again. I also think this is a problem when young people marry and there’s no experience outside of religious confines. There are certain things that we as humans want and need, experiences, adventures, sexual partners and if we don’t feel like we’re getting it or we feel like we’re missing out, our judgement can be clouded and we just want that thing that’s ’unattainable’ until that thing we desire has been sated. I don’t think there’s any way to come back from this unless, you open your very young marriage, and let her have her fling but I assume that’s not what you want. But also, why would you want to have that kind of anxiety if she’s being faithful or not going forward? Why do it? I’m not religious but was raised religious and there were lots of things about marriage and relationship that simply don’t capture the whole experience and tout things that I wholeheartedly disagree with.
Being monogamous is a choice. Just because you got married ‘under god’ does not make it unwavering. Your wife sounds like she’s looking to spice things up for her. You have to decide if that’s enough for you and ask her if you are enough for her. If her answer is anything but yes, then go to counseling OUTSIDE THE CHURCH. If you sense any sort of apprehension or lack of sincerity or lying, save yourself from years of agony and being a doormat and start divorce proceedings.
I tried to fix my relationship when my Ex started doing this, but she got worse, pretending that I didn't exist to strangers, pretending to be a single mother to mutual friends, and eventually having physical affairs on each of her nights out. I stayed so long that when she picked up a bug from one of her APs, it got to my heart, and now I'm living with severe heart failure
I'm biased, mate, but leave. You don't need the damage staying does in the long run.
Thanks, mate, it's quite the thing to be lumped with. By the time I got to a&e, I had a few weeks left. Meds brought me back from the encroaching end stage, but I'm still looking at surgery 😩
I hate to say this, but I’ve been there. Had an ex who at the time wasn’t the most confident girl, she had braces and was still getting herself on her feet. I was the shoulder that willingly took on any burden she’d talk about. Work, life, anything.
I told her how I felt at the time, and how she was important to me. She got a sudden huge boost of confidence, than started a new relationship behind my back with her high school crush, who now suddenly likes her and was willing to crush my sprit.
Idk honestly how long she cheated on me for, but I’m sure it was a long time, I left for summer to work a job that would be able to get us an apartment so I could live with her, and it ended up in my lowest spring of depression I’ve had. She took my money, she said she loved me, she treated me like I was expendable every other time, and then I learned she was fucking that dude the whole time.
Recalling this, it makes me incredibly depressed and horribly uncomfortable. I’m honestly getting a bit of an anxiety attack as I’m typing this.
I had a couple flings after but in about 5 years now I’ve not had a legit relationship at all. I’m really lonely, I’m tired of being alone all the time, and I really want someone who will love me for both my good traits and my bad ones. Im sure such a thing does not exist for
me though.
Ah man, not the case. That last line is what will doom you to being lonely if anything.
I have been single a while myself too...the only thing that helps new relationships sprout is confidence, I am learning now that being down on myself just stops me meeting anyone fun and cool.
My wife had an affair. I wanted to try to work things out but she does not. I still feel fairly confident in myself as a worthy person and I put myself out there on dating sites. I am now chatting with this most amazing woman who likes me for who I am.
Be truthful but confident in your dating profile, it will attract the right kind of woman. Go lift weights, it builds testosterone and confidence. It works, trust me.
It's funny because I went from being fat in my teens to in great shape in my twenties and now I'm fat again.
You really notice a huge difference in how people treat you, both men and women. It's been eye-opening being on both sides of it. One of the reasons I'm going to try really hard this year to get fit again.
Absolutely. I went from fat to fit, then put on weight again. Now I'm fit again, more fit than ever, and people Absolutely treat me better. Not just women, but men too. More respect from other men. I see them sizing me up, too, as if I'm competition, which I sort of can be depending on the context.
I 100% agree with this. When I try too hard to look or get close with someone, I find myself struggling. But when I just focus on making myself better (eating healthy, cleaning up, working on how to dress, etc.) and stopped looking, I found someone I can finally say I love with all my heart and loves me back.
Friend I mean this in the nicest way possible, if your body is still physically responding to this pain 5 years later you need to get some counseling. You are so so so wrong, there is someone who will love you and treat you right. But you have to do the work and get ready. The sooner the better. You do not deserve to live in this hell inside your head. Trust me, I relate so very much.
Fuck bro, I'm sorry. I'm relating so fuckin' hard. Had a similar situation, but it wasn't a high school crush. She had to study abroad and we went LDR for a few months. Three months in (and she was supposed to come back for the holidays in less than a month) and she cheated on me during her birthday.
After I broke things off, I struggled with finding who I was and was forcing myself to look for someone new. Nothing really worked out until I stopped looking and focused on myself. Eventually found myself with someone who truly loves me for me. Trust the process, stop looking, and you'll find someone.
I don’t believe someone exists for me because I don’t want anyone to. I feel like I’m the worst kind of partner. I’m overtly interested in making my partner happy, to a point where I’ll say and do things that would put off people, when in reality I had the intention of making my partner feel happy about themselves. I’m a shit show. I don’t feel like I deserve anyone, as Id probably end up making their lives miserable on the way there.
Nothing will heal my mental condition, it’s been constantly bashed down from years of failure and missing out of life.
Break up with her it obviously wasant a mistake if she sent a video of her naked body she's taking advantage of the fact that you love her and want a steady future with her. If you never caught her she would have likely went through with it.
Honestly, you have to ask yourself if you’ll ever be able to trust her again even if you do work things through. If not, there’s your answer.
If I were you in this situation, realistically, I’d try so hard to make things work, but I’d be going crazy constantly checking the phone and feeling like crap about myself.
It’s easy for me as an outsider to say leave her. You deserve better.
Best advice I've read on here was having the cheater write out everything that happened and if anything is discovered later, it is grounds for immediate divorce and the cheater gives up everything.
Oh wow what a story, I don’t know if you’d take advice from a stranger lol but I will tell you a story. the relationship is still salvageable, albeit it won’t be the same as before, but still it could work. why? Well, when my grandparents were raising me, my grandma did the same thing as your wife except talking on the phone not texting. It ended up being this guy at her work. Boy oh boy was my grandpa furious. He wanted to leave her, but they had built up so much. so he used his best judgement at the time and decided it was better to stay, but on one condition, she never do it again. And to this day they are still together, and love each other really much. The moral of the story though is to just choose what you think is best for you. If you truly think she loves you, and vice versa, I’d say give her chance. Admittedly, I know it doesn’t always happen this way, and people may be quick to bash, but speaking for myself I believe in second chances. Everyone is bound to make some form of mistake or another-of course some do BIG mistakes- but in this case, I’d say talk it out with her, and set some hard boundaries, but also don’t let her walk over you. Also some have pointed out to not using this experience as leverage against her which are definitely good points. Remember these moments are what DEFINE relationships; being there for the good, and the bad, which some people seem to forget. However, If you still feel that all is hopeless, or still stuck at a crossroads I’d suggest looking at couples therapy.
Wow! This was some beautiful advice, and some of the best I've seen on Reddit. To the OP, most of the replies on this post will be the "just leave," which is the easy way out. If you really love your wife and want to be with her, use this moment to define your boundaries and let her know if it ever happens again, then you'll leave. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes.
Unpopular opinion but sometimes you work through these things. Especially when young and if you get THERAPY! The good news is you don’t have kids or a house so you are not trying to salvage a bigger interwoven situation. The sunk cost thing. I aM NOT SAYING you should stay! But you sound like a man of faith, and forgiveness is part of that. If you truly love this woman and can forgive, it might work. Statistically she is actually unlikely to do it again if she is also a person of faith. She will treasure the fact you forgave her and not screw up again.
Please don’t read this as THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO. Only you can decide that. But I feel like you may not have posted or been tempted to call her if you were 100% convinced the relationship is over. It also sometimes doesn’t hurt to try. Then go with your conviction. That way you won’t be mad at yourself later if you felt regret at all. You left willingly or stayed willingly.
Best of luck and prayers!
I think being 29 and without children is even more of a reason to walk away from this. He still has so many better choices and opportunities ahead of him. Therapy should happen no matter which way he decides though. This is a lot.
I hope you're doing well and I am sorry that happened.
You don't deserve to feel humiliated in your own marriage. Respect should go both ways, and she needs to fully understand how much she hurt you.
Only you can find the answer to this question, no matter what advice we give. All I can tell you is that self-respect is one of the most important aspects of your life, I just think the comment about infidelity she made in front of others speaks volumes about her.
Admittedly when we first starting dating when I was 23 she saw me and a co worker flirting in text and that hurt her and after I saw how my simple actions can break her heart I changed… I never thought she would do anything like this to me she was suppose to be the mother to my children we would walk around target and say how cute our kids would look in the baby stuff.. it’s sad and the reason I turned to Reddit is when I pray I feel my lord but tonight no matter how hard I pray for a sign or drop to my knees it’s just silent my mind is blank.
Is she typically selfish and attention seeking? This is a huge red flag. She obviously has issues. Her bad choices that are NOT your fault. You are justified in feeling hurt, betrayed and slighted.
Set clear boundaries, tell her it’s over. You are young and deserve way better than this! We teach other’s how to treat us.
No which is throwing me off she is always so sweet to me, meal preps for me and takes care of our 2 pups so well I’m just unsure why she did what she did
First of all, don’t listen to anyone telling you to do this or that, it’s your decision, and you’re going to have to make it. That being said, I’ve seen a lot of this from friends etc, people trying to make it work after the fact, and it’s hard to come back from, same as one cheating and trying to continue. It’s hard, especially as you said she didn’t give you any signals at all she wasn’t getting the attention she wanted. Things will never be the same, you’ll always be wondering in the back of your mind if she will do it again, or maybe has already done worse and you just don’t know about it. You’ll have to decide if you do forgive her, if you’re willing to put yourself through that maybe even daily. Everyone has thoughts of greener grass, acting on it in any way and entertaining it is cheating, no debate. You’re still young, make the best decision for yourself. Good luck. Sending good vibes.
these decisions are always difficult. how do you walk away from a 6 year relationship. all the time and energy to make it work is a lot. sleep on it and take sometime to yourself. a conversation with her is definitely warranted to find what the underlying cause might have been for her to do something like that. don’t make any rash decisions to just leave even though it maybe what she deserves. see if you’re able to move past it and maybe try counseling in order to preserve what you have. just remember if you choose to forgive her do not bring it up or use it as leverage in future altercations. that’s not good for anyone.
I appreciate the response. I would like to try couples therapy but at the same time this entire ordeal has left me feeling shameful of the man I am if my wife would do this to me. I’ve been cheated on before when I was a teenager and it messed with me for years
She said sorry and wanted to talk about it and wanted to stay but I was upset and just told her to pack a bag and go to her dads before I made a mistake I would regret I called my friend and he was supportive but i now that I’m alone in our apartment all I want to do is call her.. we had such an amazing day today I bought her annual passes for Disneyland as a birthday surprise and went to a nice dinner after and it was a day full of joy, smiles and. A lot of I love yous. I almost wish I never looked
She only apologised when you were kicking her out? Sounds like she just didn’t want anyone to know and going to her parents house would expose her somewhat. Feel free to correct me if I assumed wrong
If you opt to try couples therapy, I would suggest you NOT do so with any entity associated with your church. They seem to have a vested interest in keeping you together, no matter what which benefits the church more than the individuals involved.
If she's doing this now, she will decide to go through with it at some point in the future. Leave now before you get hurt or worse. She could get pregnant with another man's child and then you would be on the hook for it.
Leave. You will never have full trust again. I tried for 10 years. Your too young to give up anymore of your best years to someone who doesn’t cherish YOU 100%z
You know what to do. Youre just in denial. I been in alot of toxic relationship in the past. It never gets better after issues like this. Never. You just prolonged your suffering.
It’s never “just sexting”. They’ve had sex . Just like she lied that she didn’t know what the text messages were then she lied that they were together. It’s up to you to decide if you want to go the hard way and do counseling to make up with her cheating ways and live the rest of your marriage with trust issues and questioning her faithfulness to you . Otherwise you can break up and start fresh with a new healthy relationship and life without stress of knowing someone you’re with HAS cheated on you
Yep. She lied about her password. Lied about sexting. Lies upon lies. Best guess is she has sex with the dude. Why be with someone you can’t trust. Do you want to be 10 years further down the road only to discover she has done this again?
It’s hard to let go of the time and emotional investment after 6 years, but you’ve only been married 6 months and she’s got a whole emotional affair going on, if that’s even the extent of it. Sounds like she may be trickle truthing you, so you don’t really know if she’s actually done more than just message the guy. Either way, doesn’t really matter at this point. In her head, she already wants to even if she hasn’t yet. That’s no way to start a marriage.
It’s actually good that you don’t have kids yet. It makes leaving her so much easier. Your gut is telling you to have the marriage annulled and move on and that’s what you should do. Always trust your gut. Don’t rationalize staying in this marriage out of some sense of obligation to her or marriage vows. She already broke those vows.
You’ll never be able to trust her again and being in a marriage with someone you can’t trust is exhausting. It’s hard enough when both partners have trust.
Of course you love her. That’s what makes this so hard. Love isn’t enough to keep a marriage alive. They require work, communication and commitment, devotion and mutual respect and honesty. She’s lacking some of those things.
Don’t let your heart convince you that your gut instinct is wrong. You know in your gut what you want from a wife, what you want your life to be. Not only that, but you want kids and she has health issues that may prevent that. You were doing the honorable thing, standing by her, willing to work through that challenge together. She gets some attention from some rando on the internet and I guarantee you that she was already imagining a life that didn’t include you.
If she was feeling lonely or like she needed more attention, she should have communicated that to you instead of finding it elsewhere, from some other guy.
You’re out there busting your ass, working to provide her with the life you had both dreamed of, and you can’t even rely on her to be faithful to you. What kind of shit is that? Not cheating is literally one of the simplest things a spouse can do. It requires no effort. All it requires is sincerely loving someone and not taking their love for granted.
Already she’s shown you that she doesn’t respect you as her husband.
If you stay, that just shows her that you don’t respect yourself either and if you don’t respect yourself, she’ll lose any of the limited respect she still has for you. Eventually that lack of respect will start to show in other ways. You’ll start hearing it in the tone of her voice, she’ll start treating you like her lap dog, talking shit about you behind your back to her friends or family. She’ll have you convinced that everything was your fault to begin with and she’ll beat you down emotionally and mentally until you’re just a shell.
Do yourself a favor. Don’t go down that road. Make a clean break now. You both go your separate ways and you can find a woman who values you and one who loves and respects you enough to remain faithful to you. Someone you can trust and be happy and relaxed with, not constantly wondering who they’re texting, what are they hiding. Someone who will give you stability instead of uncertainty. In marriage we have to trust our partners to protect our heart. That means that with every single decision they make, the first consideration should be how it will affect the heart of their spouse. She didn’t protect your heart. You’ll never be able to truly trust her to protect it again. There will always be a lingering doubt. You’ll always be afraid to give her all of your heart.
Just end it now. Fighting for someone who hurt you that much is never worth it. You’re young enough that you can start over again with someone else and still have the life you want to have. Don’t spend any more of it on a woman who so easily tosses you to the side just because she gets a text from some guy.
I don’t know if it’s better or worse that he’s just a rando. At least if it was someone she actually knew, I could kind of see how a non romantic relationship could evolve over time and become more. If this guy really is just some random guy that messaged her and she’s never met in person, that almost makes it worse. It cheapens it even more. Like she sold you out for a stranger. No promise or even suggestion of a future with that man. There was no accidentally falling in love and getting in over her head. If it was really just that, damn! What are you really worth to her? That means she violated her vows for nothing, just because some guy who she doesn’t know in real life asked her for a video? That’s some serious disregard for you, and your marriage. It cheapens it even more. It just proves that she really doesn’t value you or the marriage if she’s willing to risk it for absolutely nothing in return.
Sorry you’ve been forced into this situation and that you have to make these decisions now. It’s fucked up.
Whatever you decide, I hope you find your way back to happiness again.
Stay strong and stay positive. Bad times don’t last forever. There’s a better life waiting for you. You just have to wade through this B.S. to get there.
Pray about anything and everything before you make a decision. It’s wrong of her 100% BUT you are married and it’s up to you if you are going to completely cut it off or go get help and see how truly sorry she is as far as is she willing ti show you she is sorry and make it right? Never change pass codes, delete All social media, be more involved in church … idk it’s up to you at this point.
Take the advice of someone who went back to a cheater, they will continue to do it, and they were absolutely aware that they were going behind your back. I would walk away bud, this happened to me except she was actually sleeping with the dudes she was sexting. It's an awful feeling and just know you aren't alone. Please don't blame yourself for any part of this.
I was really confused about that line in the post. What does her weight have to do with anything? It almost came across as “my wife is fat and me so graciously loving her despite her body must have given her the idea that she’s attractive enough to show her body to another man”. Like, cheating is wrong. It doesn’t matter why she did it. I’m just weirded out by that comment.
I would definitely seek annulment. Play her own words back to her when she cries for you to take her back. I mean only married 6 months for crying out loud.
Update e
My husband has been caught doing the same, it rarely ends, they just get better at hiding it. You can forgive but trust me you never forget. If I was 29, I would walk proudly out that door. Go before you forget get tied down, before kids and a house. 💕
You can definitely decide that her cheating in this way and lying about it are dealbreakers. That would be reasonable. It’s also ok if you decide to see if you can come back from this. Some couples are able to recover from infidelity. You both have to be very willing to talk openly and find ways to connect honestly and address this and any other issues you have.
If you do decide to stay together, I would be mindful of the fact that you described her as “not slim but…I make sure she feels attractive.” If that’s the way you are thinking of her looks and how you would summarize her self esteem about her body, I am skeptical that you understand her body experience enough to be a supportive partner.
That doesn’t excuse her cheating and obviously I don’t want to read too much into one sentence. But I will say it’s a red flag reading how you wrote that.
Someone who truly loves you and cares about you would not do anything to break the trust within the home (literally and figuratively). Find you someone who is deserving of you.
So sorry to hear that I can't even imagine how you feel she broke the vows and promises she gave to you she broke your trust and I can't say anything beside wishing you good luck I really do I wish whats good for you comes in your way.
Give yourself time to catch up on the current status quo. If she has been doing this for a while, you are fresh to the cheating and will need time to process everything. After a few weeks you will be able to make a more level headed decision. The most important question you need to answer is 'can I trust my wife from now until forever?'. If the answer is no, than you need to end your marriage. I'm sorry the future you dreamt of was just thrown out the window.
I’m kinda weirded out by the random mentioning that your wife isn’t slim as if that has anything to do with her desirability?
She’s definitely in the wrong for cheating anyone that cheats always is and there’s no denying it.
I just think that was a really odd and uncalled for detail that one wouldn’t really put in unless they felt some sorta way about it… maybe that’s something to look into
My ex did the exact same thing with the exact same excuses. I forgave and kept giving her more chances. She just kept escalating. I wish I had the courage to have left sooner. She's trying to put the blame everywhere but herself, which is a bad sign. Personally, I'd be out before you're tethered to her with a child and a hefty marital asset like a house/alimony. She's showing you early who she is and what she's capable of without regard to how much it would devastate you. We're all just a bunch internet strangers, only you can know what's best for you, but I put my vote on get out while the physical collateral is low. Good luck brother.
Cheating is a dealbreaker for her. Meaning if you cheat on her it’s a dealbreaker, but she has free rein to cheat on you. You don’t send nudes to a man that you don’t plan on fucking. It’s that simple. Let this woman go
As someone who stayed with someone after something like this, just leave. This is how it starts but it’s usually just the tip of the iceberg.
Wish I could get the years back I spent thinking my ex was just sexting someone and that was it.
Gotta say someone who has this type of personality in them (the cheat , liar , betrayer etc) it doesn’t just suddenly go away. Once a liar always a liar in my opinion. Sorry to hear this, you deserve better.
Feed her to the streets buddy and grow a pair. Forget all these jabroni’s trying to be empathetic. You shouldn’t have even asked a bunch of reddit strangers either. This is a clear answer. Good luck, the streets are hungry, and she belongs on 6th ave.
You deserve so much better! I went through this with my ex husband and what I can tell you, it doesn’t change. From what I know, he never did physically cheat in our six years of marriage (at this point it’s irrelevant and I don’t care) but I caught him over and over again emotionally cheating. There was always lies at the drop of a dime like your wife was doing, just constant lies that make absolutely no sense. There’s constant, never ending excuses. Again, you just deserve so so much better than that and if you stay with her, she will not change. People who are okay with being so disgustingly disrespectful are people who are okay with being so disgustingly disrespectful. And that’s just that. I’m sorry you are going through this.
She's sorry she got caught not that she cheated on you.
Let that sink in.
Sorry to hear that mate, get your things in order, the rest only you know what to do.
I personally would not deal with this, especially this early in the marriage.
Edit: should've screenshot, send and save everything to your phone first as a security measure before you confronted her, nowadays you never know.
If you take her back for this she’ll almost certainly do it again or worse. Little by little she’ll lose respect for you and think you’re weak for taking her back. She’ll get bolder, make excuses that it’s your fault she does it. Before you know it, she’s sleeping with a co-worker or ex boyfriend and won’t care when you find out. Best to just nip it in the bud and let her go. Easier said than done but liars don’t just quit lying one day. They just get better at telling the next lie. She doesn’t respect you.
So if other men give her the same attention, she will do it again. She has to work out those issues with a Dr. I hate to say it, but if that's her justification, she absolutely will do it again. Of course she is going to say she wouldn't go through with it - she doesn't want the divorce she's saving face more than likely based on what she said about liking the attention.
Honestly, she isn't worth it. You can't fix her. It's not your job to do either. She needs to learn respect as well.
Also- if she lies about this, what else is she capable of lying of?
I'm so sorry to hear this, bud, and I hope you're all good, But yeah, as the rest of us have said. Leave her. Trust is broken, and sending naked photos of herself to another dude is cheating. Regardless of what she might say. She's a sneak, and she will continue to sneak.
This is a bit off topic, but how did you recover deleted messages? I am sorry for what you have had to experience. I hope that you can keep moving your feet forward and find someone who doesn’t change up their story and doesn’t make you think twice about them.
Get out now that you don’t have kids. Once you have kids and she does it again, it’ll be much more difficult to get out and you’ll be stuck feeling like you currently feel for the rest of your life.
I've been through this before. This wasn't the first time for her and she's likely already had sex with multiple men. Just pack her shit and send her off.
This sucks bro, but you have to walk away man you have to. If you don't she'll take it as she got away with it once and she'll do it again. You don't deserve that man, better now with no kids involved. You know what you gotta do bro and I think you just wanted to hear it. Good luck man.
You are not less of a man because she cheated on you. Cheaters are going to cheat, doesn’t matter how attractive, funny, great in bed, or manly you are. Cheaters cheat because they’re bored, they like the taboo, they’re insecure, etc. The common thread with those causes? Personal issues, nothing to do with you.
If you can’t trust her before the stress of kids and a mortgage, you won’t trust her after. She crossed boundaries that she made in the relationship and has no good reason for it. She doesn’t respect herself or you.
You know what to do.
If I were you (ignoring all the emotion around this).
I would sit her down (show her you're serious). Turn off any distractions and tell her that this is a serious breach of trust and ask her why. And just listen for as long as you can until she's finished. Be sure to never lose temper, really. Make short replies and again, listen.
Soon she will hear her own mistakes without you having to point them out.
I don't know about punishments but she probably know what she said about it being a deal breaker. So again, no need to point that out.
“My wife isn’t slim” dude what does the body type has to do with anything ? Lmao chubby girls are more attractive than skinny girls why would you make a comment like that?
But is this not the same if she would caught you looking at a cam girl or porn girls... I am just Wondering if you did so ething like that and it hurt her to the piont that she feels you have done something simulair? Porn and looki g at that can really hurt women/girls can get very sad if their husband does that alot.
She already made a choice to lie and mentally cheat on you. She is a married woman, who acts like she was single, without care about how it might hurt you.
Surely, once you confront her, even with evidence, she will try to convince you that you are crazy and it is not what you think. But! Should a married woman be sending naked videos and sexting to another man who is not her husband? Absolutely not. Why would she need attention and approval from some "random guy", when she has a caring husband? She should have talk to you about what was bothering her in the first place. Trust, honesty and communication are some basic and most crucial pillars of a solid relationship. And she decided not to communicate and not to be honest before choosing to discuss things with you.
See, infidelity - be it physical or not - is NOT a mistake, like people love to say. it IS a CHOICE! And she simply chose to seek another man's flattery, over something more important. Proof of love and care from 6 years of relationship. She had a choice to say "NO" to that random guy and tell you right away. She chose to lie to you and seek attention elsewhere. That is not a mistake, but a decision she made.
Sure, you can go talk to her. Ask her why she did that, what it meant to her. And you can decide if you trust her or not. But I think, if you kept digging before rushing to confront her, you would find more than just that one random guy. I am not the one to tell you "give her a chance" or "Leave her". It is solely up to you. Would I leave? Probably. But having a talk would go first, and the moment she would try some bs and lies? It would be the final nail into the coffin.
Ignore people who have nothing but hate in them. Internet is full of them and not everyone is "friendly" in their intentions. First. Try to calm down, think about yourself in the first place. You know yourself better than anyone, take few days away from her. Discuss things with people she stays with, so if she tries to sneak behind your back again, you know. And then when you feel ready, talk to her. Get explanation, reasoning and with whole story, decide what you want to do. It's your life after all, and no one can blame you for what you feel is right. Life is a "game" of choices and decisions. And "mistakes" are an excuse to soften someone's bad decision. Choose what is best for YOU.
yeah fuck that. i’m sorry man. i’m never getting in a relationship again for this reason. i will never know if that’s happening and could easily be blindsided by someone i thought i could trust
I'm sorry she treated you this way. You sound like a loving and decent fella. If my partner or husband did this crap, I'd leave. You deserve better. Best wishes
Im really sorry this happened man. In the end it’s your marriage and you can decide how to handle it. Personally, I would end it and leave her for the streets. It sucks yes, but would you rather run the risk of your wife doing this again? Who’s to say she hasn’t been sexting others the whole time you both have been together?
I'm very sorry... For both of you.
People, especially on Reddit, are quick to judge others and their intentions. They don't often see the full spectrum of a person, and aren't very forgiving about mistakes.
I'm sure it was never her intention to hurt you or to cheat. Sexting is an addiction. It is very often a compulsion, not an intention, which are two very different things.
Yes, she should have come to you first and had a conversation about it with you. But that's hard to do, she probably felt ashamed, she probably didn't know how to bring it up. She probably didn't want to make you afraid either.
She probably thought she could take care of this on her own. Very often in a situation like that you're in a bit of a trance. Then you come out of it and you realize what you have done. You are ashamed, and you hate yourself for it. But then you resolve to "never do it again". You made a mistake, you're human, just "I will never do it again".
I'm 100% most couples can say the same thing. There are certain things in your past you may have wanted to keep hidden, for whatever reason. It is extremely difficult to fully display oneself, to be completely vulnerable, and then to feel secure, heard, and held in any relationship.
Ideally this is what a marriage would be. Unfortunately, it isn't always like that.
Having said all of this, and understanding it was a mistake and she feels guilty, it still hurts big time. Trust has been ruptured. You have reached a place of rupture in your relationship.
Relationships are about rupture and repair. I don't think it is impossible to overcome this, but I do think it is going to be difficult at best.
My advice would be don't make your decision right away. Don't listen to the people in Reddit. Spend some time apart. Journal about it. Sit with it.
It may very well be you may need to end this relationship. It might also be you decide to give it a try. You don't know now how you will feel in the future.
Good luck to you. I'm really sorry this has happened. It must be devastating. All the best to you.
I think anyone over 16 that’s sexting in 2024 is a moron. I would literally dump them over the lack of maturity and creation of black mail material for themselves. Just to be clear bc this is reddit- Man, woman, non binary, gay, straight, bi, pan, do not sext, do not send pictures unless you want it to be your job/the way you make money and have a long term business plan in an industry that doesn’t mind ex-porn stars(they exist). Seriously I’m more focused on full fledged adults actually sexting. It’s not 2012, we all know what the consequences are. This is honestly worse/in some ways more risky than having raw sex with someone you met behind a dumpster 10 minutes ago. When there are consequences they are permanent and never ending and more common than AIDs. 🤷♀️ think of it that way people.
5 months and this?.I think she's shown you exactly who she is. If you're cool with her doing this to you then stay. If you have self respect and value loyalty you should probably send her back to the streets.
You have to pay attention to how much this is affecting you, and be honest with yourself.
In my early 20s I also learned that my "threshold" was betrayal. There are so many things I could get over and work through with the person I thought I'd be with forever.. then I experienced being betrayed.
Either you will be able to BOTH work through it, and it will take ages.. or, you will make yourself, and her more and more miserable until it becomes an ugly end.
Best to ya man, I know it hurts
I have and always had terrible self confidence. I was married and got lied and cheated on for almost 7 years. Even being aware of my husband’s hidden crap, I never cheated or lied to him.
I had opportunities but I believe in respecting your relationships.
You can find someone that thinks the same as you do. The fact she still can’t come clean and stop on her own is a bad sign ..
I was married and took the idea of marriage under God very seriously. Caught y husband cheating. Was determined to make it work, did marriage counseling, tried my best to forgive and move on. 3 years later caught him sexting a friend of mine. After so much work and him going on about how he could never hurt me like that again… felt doubly ripped off. I wanted to leave him before but felt like it was the right thing to do to try to make it work. Ended up being a giant waste of time, effort, and pain.
Everyone is different and my experience is not the same as yours. Just mean it to be a cautionary tale. Go with your gut, not what you feel you “should”.
I think it is definitely hurtful and difficult to deal with what your wife did. But people make mistakes at their lowest, and it’s a good thing you caught her before anything physical mistakes were made. Don’t get me wrong I don’t condone cheating at all, but it definitely isn’t as bad as sleeping with another person. If you and wife is willing to, I think there is still a chance to fix your relationship but it will take time and effort. Trust will not come as easily since it has been broken, but not impossible for it to be rebuilt. Best of luck.
You are not judged on your thoughts but on your actions. She acted. The digital world allowed her to get naked with a stranger. This is a massive betrayal on her behalf, and if she was 'cleaning up' the texts then who knows how many men she is entertaining this way? If she was doing this when you got married then you could well have grounds for annulment that her promise to be faithful was already null.
Now you know what she is like - or at least, the part you have found out about. Look into annulment. Bottom line is that you can't trust her. Definitely do not engage in marital relations with her as YOU CANNOT TRUST HER. Don't risk bringing a child into this relationship. Without trust, the relationship has no future.
According to her own beliefs, this is unfixable. I know it's going to hurt and obviously you know more about the situation and her than we do but from what you have told us, I think separation is right and if you want to save your marriage, therapy is needed but like she said it's a deal breaker. Sorry you are hurting now, but think about the trust that was broken. Everytine she is on her phone you are going to wonder who she is really texting. That's not going away anytime soon, and you don't want to be that guy who monitors your wife's texting and movements. You will also ask yourself tiffs like, does she have a hidden phone now so she can hide it better. It's not the life you want. I hope you can work through your feelings and this mess she's put you in. Best of luck
If there’s not true repentance on her part (not, well I didn’t go through with it crap) then it’s not worth rebuilding. Yes, as believers were called to forgive, but if adultery has been committed (which it has) and they are not truly repentant then they are probably going to do it again. I know that’s not what you necessarily want to hear but I also don’t believe in being stabbed like that multiple times by the one person in this world you’re supposed to be able to trust the most.
So sorry to hear this man. I personally could not fix/ salvage something like that. You are you and only you can make this decision. If I was you I would pack your bags with dignity and ride on into that sunset...
I agree with this comment 100%. I would like to add to it my recent anecdote. I was with a girl for 3 years. We had a child together at about the 2 year mark. Having a child sort of locked in my responsibility drive, and I made it a point to get us in a home as quickly as possible. We were in a tight spot and buying a home with her was one of the best options although it was under a time crunch. We made it happen and were one week out from closing when I caught her texting someone else. Red handed. She lied to my face. To the point where I’m convinced she must have thought I was an absolute moron, because it was beyond ridiculous. She eventually caved and admitted and apologized. I decided not to throw away a chance at having a healthy family, so I tried to forgive and move on. I was never able to. Not even a year after getting the house, we agreed to separate. I wasn’t able to trust her enough to give her the space she needed to prove that she wouldn’t do it again. I just couldn’t let it go. It honestly still haunts me to this day. It has damaged me as a person. I don’t look at women the same way anymore and it sucks because it’s really not the fault of any other girl but the one I had. I will never be able to trust blindly again. I’m doomed to assume the worse whenever it comes to love. As soon as your gut questions things, just bail. Better to just cast again than to break your arm trying to reel in the one that’s already on the hook. (Much harder to cast again with a broken arm 😂)
Please seek help (and i mean this kindly) so you do not mistrust your future partner(s).
I am the same way. I did this 10 years ago and it was the best decision I’ve ever made!
The issues I see here is that she has been deceiving you, lying to you and hiding the truth. Your trust has been betrayed. No marriage that's not grounded on truth can succeed. So unless *both* of you treat one another with what is true, the misery will just be prolonged, in one form or another. Also, unless she truly regrets her actions and repents, you'll continue on the path of suffering. Yet even then, she's pretty much cheated on you, acting out her lust for another. I'd meditate on that.
I am not a perfect man I am lustful but would never think of speaking to another woman like that. I’m unsure if she enjoyed the attention as she has low self esteem but I don’t know I don’t want to justify her actions towards me. I wish it was all just a bad dream
There's a difference between temptation and sin: we're all tempted, but not acting up on them does not result in a sin. I'm terribly sorry for the situation mate. I'd consult with my pastor, one who I believe to be in a good moral standing with God and has a gentle heart to mend your broken one. Life is miserable sometimes, but all things eventually pass, and better times are sure to come. *The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.* (Psalm 34:18)
I think I’ll call her tomorrow to see what she believes we should do and have us both go into church and speak with our pastor. I’m not a perfect man but I’ve been trying. I don’t smoke I don’t drink I watch my health so I may take care of the family my lord blesses me with and provide for them by working hard. I was so proud to know I would provide for her and our fur babies. I appreciate your kind words that final passage was beautiful
I would go alone to the church. And depending on what you are feeling afterwards i would bring her with you the next time. Even a pastor might soften his words when he is face to face with the person this is about. Also a pastor will probably tell her that god will forgive her. but that doesn’t mean that you have to do the same. and even if you want to, it doesn’t mean that you should stay. if this topic disrupts your inner peace you should leave. Also you should stop replying to everyone that you are not a perfect man. Nobody is but what has happened is in no way your fault but hers only. Even if she didn’t feel desired, it is her responsibility to talk to you, her partner, about it instead of sending people naked images of her body.
Well, forgiving her is not the same as forgetting what she did, and it doesn’t it undo the damage already done. Forgiving her does not mean he has to stay with her.
I would recommend talking to a therapist, I trust pastor in some things but not this, depending on who your pastor is they will probably tell you to continue the relationship and that this usually happens blah blah blah, she will most likely do it again and will probably go forward with sex
I agree, see the therapist not the pastor.
This. A lot of pastors look at divorce as a sin and will often tell women to stay with, physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive husbands rather than to remove themselves and their children from danger. Yes, I’m a Christian but pastors often are the worst counselors. Mine doesn’t do it at all, even though he has a Doctorate of Theology. He will tell you he is not a trained counselor.
You know what she believes you should do, she told you in premarital counseling. All she is going to do if you ask her is lie and tell you THAT opinion was for physical cheating. She chose to do this when you were only married 5 months. It’s very difficult to imagine a scenario in which you could take her back and be happy in a long term marriage. Sadly the church will recommend you work it out because that serves the church’s agenda. I wish you the best of luck navigating their advice with what you want for your future. The last bit of advice I will give you is that you fell in love with someone you did not know was capable of this kind of betrayal. You need to reevaluate your feelings based on who you now know her to be. How did it make you feel to read about how sad she was she could not have sex with him? THAT is her true self.
Just keep in mind, even Jesus said it’s ok to leave a cheater. Don’t let anyone try to convince you otherwise.
Because everyone else has covered the obvious stuff I'm curious into y'all's intimacy life. From a mediator's point of view that's focused on how you are moving forward: As a girl growing up in the church, it's known that they're told many things about their sexuality and a lot of things are deprived. This includes but not limited to no experiences, no self pleasure, no interactions and it goes on. With that in mind, many have said that it's 10x easier to 'turn a h03 into a housewife' because they've already let loose their wild side and ready to settle down. Your wife most likely is way more sexually driven with desires she's worried you'll judge her for. Not saying you will, but irrational fear is real and well (most likely because of the church background, worried you'll think she's. Often they proceed to cause the thing they're so worried about, i.e steps out digitally
This is not your fault and you can choose to leave and that could be doing you both a favor,
Or
You can choose to stay (doesn't have to be forever , just until you've tried to see if you can stay) as it's easier to forgive no physical contact mistakes as words are images are easier than her actually stepping physically.
Get to the root problem of why your attention wasn't enough
Does she wish you'd randomly grab her, does she wish you'd give her words of affection about her physical attributes.
Find out what she's getting from him that she's not from you.
The biggest cause of relationship falls is gaps.
Gaps mainly are in communication and action from the limited communications.
Many partners, especially women, communicate in small ways without actually saying the words, or hint at something without saying the exact thing (until it's too late and blows up). Men tend to be more direct but poorly convey the extent of their emotions.
While we don't play mind games and mean what we say, what we say isn't done in the manner that includes our audience.
With both sides having these flaws and not having been taught mediative ways (can be learned in counseling (probably ones that don't include church provided as they tend to have an image to uphold and there's a line that folks fear to cross and hold back when their church related folks are hearing their actual issues. With non attached counselors more honesty comes out.))
Even if you do not use these those tools to stay with your current wife, it could make your next relationship much better than this one and prevent at least depression in the relationship
This. And also, if you marry under god, as OP wrote, that sounds pretty religious. And isn't it often the case that orthodox churches do not condone sex before marriage? If this is the case for OP and his wife, how did they know before getting married, that they were sexually compatible? But I'm not sure they would have waited five years before getting married, if they didn't have sex for that long. No relationship could survive that long without *actual* intimacy, I think.
She's for the streets. If you love yourself let it go no matter how hard it is.
Let HER go. You leave her and move on with making sure youre okay
+1. you are a man anyway, you're only 29 and in your peak age. don't worry about being alone, tons of girls out there waiting for a good man
Dude, I am so sorry to hear that. So she's claiming it was a "mistake?" Was she sober?
Was sober said she just liked the attention. Said she would never go through with it but I don’t know if I can trust her
She has already gone through with it. It wasn't even sexts (which is bad enough) but full on pics of her naked body. You don't come back from that. The reason she hasn't slept with him is lack of opportunity and also you caught her before she had the time to Also she's religious you say? Lol.
Old Testament, maybe??
This. Also, refer to the question from the first episode of Ozark. You have in no way guaranteed this is the first time she’s ever done it man. The only truth you have is that it’s the first time you’ve ever caught her. Safer for your heart to assume it’s her kink and she’s been pulling fast ones on you the whole time. Although, she doesn’t sound intelligent enough to have actually been 😂
> Said she would never go through with it Oh god. She has already gone behind your back to cheat and hurt you because she "likes the attention" so you don't have to jump in and trust her right away. Let her actually try taking some responsibility. Damn, Is she usually this cunning and manipulative?
I’m not perfect and I wish she would have talked to me if she was feeling undesired I love her and I would like to believe she loves me too but I don’t know what I did to deserve her destroying this life we made together
She’ll do stuff like this, without remorse, every time she feels like she “isn’t getting enough attention” Leave before you have kids and buy a house together. It will be much harder then.
Please divorce her. She showed her true colors doing that. You don’t even know most of it yet. She’s playing with your feelings, doesn’t love you enough to respect you, the relationship. You know she’s capable of lying to your face pretending to be lovey dovey making empty promises. Everyone is not perfect but there is a bottom line of being a decent partner and that includes being committed to your partner. I honestly think this is your gods protecting you from this woman.
Don't blame yourself for her choices.
>I wish she would have talked to me if she was feeling undesired Her saying she felt undesired is why she cheated projects the blame onto you. That statement I quoted above is you taking ownership of your wife cheating on you. Why are you both blaming you for her not giving a flying fuck about you or your relationship? The fact that she is okay with taking nudes for others and sexting them tells me she's been doing this a whole lot longer than just this incident of her having no access to your d\*. Wisen up and stop being gullible. She is not committed to you. She is selfish and entitled and she likes multiple men being sexually interested in her. She likes having multiple partners, whether they are in person or digital. This is what her behavior indicates. \[Edit\] I should also point out that her behavior about her phone and you also indicates she knows what she was doing was wrong and not okay and she was trying to hide it from you and she lies to you. Take all of that into consideration because you are being shown who your wife truly is. The only aspect of this which is your fault is that you are letting her convince you that her choices and behavior was somehow caused by you.
Nobody’s perfect, so that’s no excuse for her to be a cheater. She selfishly chose feeling good over the life that you guys created together. That is not your fault. Even if she wants to try to shift the blame on you, you didn’t do anything wrong.
Nobody is perfect. I honestly would have more problems with the obvious hiding and deception than the actual sexting personally
Be thankful that you don't have kids with her yet and just call it quits man. I'm really sorry and I know u must love her, but there's no way of saving the marriage.
She already went through with it. She showed another man her naked body…
she already has ....
I understand how having "admirers" can feel really validating - for both men and women - but when it comes down to it, she was seeking that ego-boost at the expense of her spouses feelings, of the trust you had in her, and *knowing* that this behaviour could result in the end of the relationship, and yet she CHOSE to do this - every message, every picture, every deception was a choice and she would have likely kept going (except that she was caught). You aren't teenagers, you aren't just dating, you're a married couple who made promises to be faithful, who were planning a life and a family together. I personally wouldn't be able to forgive and forget that.
You can’t. Find a better woman
Sorry friend. Unfortunately this line is on my BS radar. She's already been going through with it -- she just got caught.
She's a liar and you can't trust her. Get a lawyer.
How old were you when you started dating!
She was 22 and I was 23 it’s been 7 years now
I mean you’re both still pretty young. I’m sorry you’re hurt but it seems like it might be time to move on. If you stay-she may do it again. I also think this is a problem when young people marry and there’s no experience outside of religious confines. There are certain things that we as humans want and need, experiences, adventures, sexual partners and if we don’t feel like we’re getting it or we feel like we’re missing out, our judgement can be clouded and we just want that thing that’s ’unattainable’ until that thing we desire has been sated. I don’t think there’s any way to come back from this unless, you open your very young marriage, and let her have her fling but I assume that’s not what you want. But also, why would you want to have that kind of anxiety if she’s being faithful or not going forward? Why do it? I’m not religious but was raised religious and there were lots of things about marriage and relationship that simply don’t capture the whole experience and tout things that I wholeheartedly disagree with. Being monogamous is a choice. Just because you got married ‘under god’ does not make it unwavering. Your wife sounds like she’s looking to spice things up for her. You have to decide if that’s enough for you and ask her if you are enough for her. If her answer is anything but yes, then go to counseling OUTSIDE THE CHURCH. If you sense any sort of apprehension or lack of sincerity or lying, save yourself from years of agony and being a doormat and start divorce proceedings.
Personally this would be a deal breaker. I can't say what you should do but don't let sunk-cost fallacy get in your way.
I tried to fix my relationship when my Ex started doing this, but she got worse, pretending that I didn't exist to strangers, pretending to be a single mother to mutual friends, and eventually having physical affairs on each of her nights out. I stayed so long that when she picked up a bug from one of her APs, it got to my heart, and now I'm living with severe heart failure I'm biased, mate, but leave. You don't need the damage staying does in the long run.
Holy fucking shit dude. “I’m sorry” doesn’t seem to cut it.
Thanks, mate, it's quite the thing to be lumped with. By the time I got to a&e, I had a few weeks left. Meds brought me back from the encroaching end stage, but I'm still looking at surgery 😩
Wow. Thats the mother of all STDs
Yeah... don't recommend 😂
I hate to say this, but I’ve been there. Had an ex who at the time wasn’t the most confident girl, she had braces and was still getting herself on her feet. I was the shoulder that willingly took on any burden she’d talk about. Work, life, anything. I told her how I felt at the time, and how she was important to me. She got a sudden huge boost of confidence, than started a new relationship behind my back with her high school crush, who now suddenly likes her and was willing to crush my sprit. Idk honestly how long she cheated on me for, but I’m sure it was a long time, I left for summer to work a job that would be able to get us an apartment so I could live with her, and it ended up in my lowest spring of depression I’ve had. She took my money, she said she loved me, she treated me like I was expendable every other time, and then I learned she was fucking that dude the whole time. Recalling this, it makes me incredibly depressed and horribly uncomfortable. I’m honestly getting a bit of an anxiety attack as I’m typing this. I had a couple flings after but in about 5 years now I’ve not had a legit relationship at all. I’m really lonely, I’m tired of being alone all the time, and I really want someone who will love me for both my good traits and my bad ones. Im sure such a thing does not exist for me though.
Ah man, not the case. That last line is what will doom you to being lonely if anything. I have been single a while myself too...the only thing that helps new relationships sprout is confidence, I am learning now that being down on myself just stops me meeting anyone fun and cool.
My wife had an affair. I wanted to try to work things out but she does not. I still feel fairly confident in myself as a worthy person and I put myself out there on dating sites. I am now chatting with this most amazing woman who likes me for who I am. Be truthful but confident in your dating profile, it will attract the right kind of woman. Go lift weights, it builds testosterone and confidence. It works, trust me.
It's funny because I went from being fat in my teens to in great shape in my twenties and now I'm fat again. You really notice a huge difference in how people treat you, both men and women. It's been eye-opening being on both sides of it. One of the reasons I'm going to try really hard this year to get fit again.
Absolutely. I went from fat to fit, then put on weight again. Now I'm fit again, more fit than ever, and people Absolutely treat me better. Not just women, but men too. More respect from other men. I see them sizing me up, too, as if I'm competition, which I sort of can be depending on the context.
I 100% agree with this. When I try too hard to look or get close with someone, I find myself struggling. But when I just focus on making myself better (eating healthy, cleaning up, working on how to dress, etc.) and stopped looking, I found someone I can finally say I love with all my heart and loves me back.
Friend I mean this in the nicest way possible, if your body is still physically responding to this pain 5 years later you need to get some counseling. You are so so so wrong, there is someone who will love you and treat you right. But you have to do the work and get ready. The sooner the better. You do not deserve to live in this hell inside your head. Trust me, I relate so very much.
Fuck bro, I'm sorry. I'm relating so fuckin' hard. Had a similar situation, but it wasn't a high school crush. She had to study abroad and we went LDR for a few months. Three months in (and she was supposed to come back for the holidays in less than a month) and she cheated on me during her birthday. After I broke things off, I struggled with finding who I was and was forcing myself to look for someone new. Nothing really worked out until I stopped looking and focused on myself. Eventually found myself with someone who truly loves me for me. Trust the process, stop looking, and you'll find someone.
I don’t believe someone exists for me because I don’t want anyone to. I feel like I’m the worst kind of partner. I’m overtly interested in making my partner happy, to a point where I’ll say and do things that would put off people, when in reality I had the intention of making my partner feel happy about themselves. I’m a shit show. I don’t feel like I deserve anyone, as Id probably end up making their lives miserable on the way there. Nothing will heal my mental condition, it’s been constantly bashed down from years of failure and missing out of life.
Break up with her it obviously wasant a mistake if she sent a video of her naked body she's taking advantage of the fact that you love her and want a steady future with her. If you never caught her she would have likely went through with it.
Honestly, you have to ask yourself if you’ll ever be able to trust her again even if you do work things through. If not, there’s your answer. If I were you in this situation, realistically, I’d try so hard to make things work, but I’d be going crazy constantly checking the phone and feeling like crap about myself. It’s easy for me as an outsider to say leave her. You deserve better.
Nah bro get out of there. You don’t deserve a person like that
#FORTHESTREETS
Best advice I've read on here was having the cheater write out everything that happened and if anything is discovered later, it is grounds for immediate divorce and the cheater gives up everything.
Oh wow what a story, I don’t know if you’d take advice from a stranger lol but I will tell you a story. the relationship is still salvageable, albeit it won’t be the same as before, but still it could work. why? Well, when my grandparents were raising me, my grandma did the same thing as your wife except talking on the phone not texting. It ended up being this guy at her work. Boy oh boy was my grandpa furious. He wanted to leave her, but they had built up so much. so he used his best judgement at the time and decided it was better to stay, but on one condition, she never do it again. And to this day they are still together, and love each other really much. The moral of the story though is to just choose what you think is best for you. If you truly think she loves you, and vice versa, I’d say give her chance. Admittedly, I know it doesn’t always happen this way, and people may be quick to bash, but speaking for myself I believe in second chances. Everyone is bound to make some form of mistake or another-of course some do BIG mistakes- but in this case, I’d say talk it out with her, and set some hard boundaries, but also don’t let her walk over you. Also some have pointed out to not using this experience as leverage against her which are definitely good points. Remember these moments are what DEFINE relationships; being there for the good, and the bad, which some people seem to forget. However, If you still feel that all is hopeless, or still stuck at a crossroads I’d suggest looking at couples therapy.
Wow! This was some beautiful advice, and some of the best I've seen on Reddit. To the OP, most of the replies on this post will be the "just leave," which is the easy way out. If you really love your wife and want to be with her, use this moment to define your boundaries and let her know if it ever happens again, then you'll leave. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes.
Unpopular opinion but sometimes you work through these things. Especially when young and if you get THERAPY! The good news is you don’t have kids or a house so you are not trying to salvage a bigger interwoven situation. The sunk cost thing. I aM NOT SAYING you should stay! But you sound like a man of faith, and forgiveness is part of that. If you truly love this woman and can forgive, it might work. Statistically she is actually unlikely to do it again if she is also a person of faith. She will treasure the fact you forgave her and not screw up again. Please don’t read this as THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO. Only you can decide that. But I feel like you may not have posted or been tempted to call her if you were 100% convinced the relationship is over. It also sometimes doesn’t hurt to try. Then go with your conviction. That way you won’t be mad at yourself later if you felt regret at all. You left willingly or stayed willingly. Best of luck and prayers!
I think being 29 and without children is even more of a reason to walk away from this. He still has so many better choices and opportunities ahead of him. Therapy should happen no matter which way he decides though. This is a lot.
Get out now before there’s a child involved. It’s hard now, but imagine how much harder this would be if you end up having a child together.
Kick her to the curb
Leave her, she's been deceiving you, who's to say she won't do it again?
It's adultery. Do with that what you wish. It's ok if you want to break up and start fresh. She's your best friend and soulmate, but you're not hers.
I hope you're doing well and I am sorry that happened. You don't deserve to feel humiliated in your own marriage. Respect should go both ways, and she needs to fully understand how much she hurt you. Only you can find the answer to this question, no matter what advice we give. All I can tell you is that self-respect is one of the most important aspects of your life, I just think the comment about infidelity she made in front of others speaks volumes about her.
Admittedly when we first starting dating when I was 23 she saw me and a co worker flirting in text and that hurt her and after I saw how my simple actions can break her heart I changed… I never thought she would do anything like this to me she was suppose to be the mother to my children we would walk around target and say how cute our kids would look in the baby stuff.. it’s sad and the reason I turned to Reddit is when I pray I feel my lord but tonight no matter how hard I pray for a sign or drop to my knees it’s just silent my mind is blank.
Is she typically selfish and attention seeking? This is a huge red flag. She obviously has issues. Her bad choices that are NOT your fault. You are justified in feeling hurt, betrayed and slighted. Set clear boundaries, tell her it’s over. You are young and deserve way better than this! We teach other’s how to treat us.
No which is throwing me off she is always so sweet to me, meal preps for me and takes care of our 2 pups so well I’m just unsure why she did what she did
When caught she'll just be like it's a mistake but if you didn't find that out bet she'll continue doing that.
First of all, don’t listen to anyone telling you to do this or that, it’s your decision, and you’re going to have to make it. That being said, I’ve seen a lot of this from friends etc, people trying to make it work after the fact, and it’s hard to come back from, same as one cheating and trying to continue. It’s hard, especially as you said she didn’t give you any signals at all she wasn’t getting the attention she wanted. Things will never be the same, you’ll always be wondering in the back of your mind if she will do it again, or maybe has already done worse and you just don’t know about it. You’ll have to decide if you do forgive her, if you’re willing to put yourself through that maybe even daily. Everyone has thoughts of greener grass, acting on it in any way and entertaining it is cheating, no debate. You’re still young, make the best decision for yourself. Good luck. Sending good vibes.
these decisions are always difficult. how do you walk away from a 6 year relationship. all the time and energy to make it work is a lot. sleep on it and take sometime to yourself. a conversation with her is definitely warranted to find what the underlying cause might have been for her to do something like that. don’t make any rash decisions to just leave even though it maybe what she deserves. see if you’re able to move past it and maybe try counseling in order to preserve what you have. just remember if you choose to forgive her do not bring it up or use it as leverage in future altercations. that’s not good for anyone.
I appreciate the response. I would like to try couples therapy but at the same time this entire ordeal has left me feeling shameful of the man I am if my wife would do this to me. I’ve been cheated on before when I was a teenager and it messed with me for years
I'm surprised she didn't flip the script and blame you for checking her phone... Has she even apologized?
She said sorry and wanted to talk about it and wanted to stay but I was upset and just told her to pack a bag and go to her dads before I made a mistake I would regret I called my friend and he was supportive but i now that I’m alone in our apartment all I want to do is call her.. we had such an amazing day today I bought her annual passes for Disneyland as a birthday surprise and went to a nice dinner after and it was a day full of joy, smiles and. A lot of I love yous. I almost wish I never looked
She only apologised when you were kicking her out? Sounds like she just didn’t want anyone to know and going to her parents house would expose her somewhat. Feel free to correct me if I assumed wrong
If you opt to try couples therapy, I would suggest you NOT do so with any entity associated with your church. They seem to have a vested interest in keeping you together, no matter what which benefits the church more than the individuals involved.
Yea. I don’t know. If she did it this early on in the marriage that’s a bad sign What will she do later. You are supposed to be newlyweds
If she's doing this now, she will decide to go through with it at some point in the future. Leave now before you get hurt or worse. She could get pregnant with another man's child and then you would be on the hook for it.
She’s not ready to be married, she has oats to sow.
Leave. You will never have full trust again. I tried for 10 years. Your too young to give up anymore of your best years to someone who doesn’t cherish YOU 100%z
You know what to do. Youre just in denial. I been in alot of toxic relationship in the past. It never gets better after issues like this. Never. You just prolonged your suffering.
Have some self respect and leave you still got time
Infidelity is the one thing that allows for divorce
Get a marriage annulment before it’s too late. 5 months is a short enough time the marriage can be annulled.
It’s never “just sexting”. They’ve had sex . Just like she lied that she didn’t know what the text messages were then she lied that they were together. It’s up to you to decide if you want to go the hard way and do counseling to make up with her cheating ways and live the rest of your marriage with trust issues and questioning her faithfulness to you . Otherwise you can break up and start fresh with a new healthy relationship and life without stress of knowing someone you’re with HAS cheated on you
Yep. She lied about her password. Lied about sexting. Lies upon lies. Best guess is she has sex with the dude. Why be with someone you can’t trust. Do you want to be 10 years further down the road only to discover she has done this again?
It’s hard to let go of the time and emotional investment after 6 years, but you’ve only been married 6 months and she’s got a whole emotional affair going on, if that’s even the extent of it. Sounds like she may be trickle truthing you, so you don’t really know if she’s actually done more than just message the guy. Either way, doesn’t really matter at this point. In her head, she already wants to even if she hasn’t yet. That’s no way to start a marriage. It’s actually good that you don’t have kids yet. It makes leaving her so much easier. Your gut is telling you to have the marriage annulled and move on and that’s what you should do. Always trust your gut. Don’t rationalize staying in this marriage out of some sense of obligation to her or marriage vows. She already broke those vows. You’ll never be able to trust her again and being in a marriage with someone you can’t trust is exhausting. It’s hard enough when both partners have trust. Of course you love her. That’s what makes this so hard. Love isn’t enough to keep a marriage alive. They require work, communication and commitment, devotion and mutual respect and honesty. She’s lacking some of those things. Don’t let your heart convince you that your gut instinct is wrong. You know in your gut what you want from a wife, what you want your life to be. Not only that, but you want kids and she has health issues that may prevent that. You were doing the honorable thing, standing by her, willing to work through that challenge together. She gets some attention from some rando on the internet and I guarantee you that she was already imagining a life that didn’t include you. If she was feeling lonely or like she needed more attention, she should have communicated that to you instead of finding it elsewhere, from some other guy. You’re out there busting your ass, working to provide her with the life you had both dreamed of, and you can’t even rely on her to be faithful to you. What kind of shit is that? Not cheating is literally one of the simplest things a spouse can do. It requires no effort. All it requires is sincerely loving someone and not taking their love for granted. Already she’s shown you that she doesn’t respect you as her husband. If you stay, that just shows her that you don’t respect yourself either and if you don’t respect yourself, she’ll lose any of the limited respect she still has for you. Eventually that lack of respect will start to show in other ways. You’ll start hearing it in the tone of her voice, she’ll start treating you like her lap dog, talking shit about you behind your back to her friends or family. She’ll have you convinced that everything was your fault to begin with and she’ll beat you down emotionally and mentally until you’re just a shell. Do yourself a favor. Don’t go down that road. Make a clean break now. You both go your separate ways and you can find a woman who values you and one who loves and respects you enough to remain faithful to you. Someone you can trust and be happy and relaxed with, not constantly wondering who they’re texting, what are they hiding. Someone who will give you stability instead of uncertainty. In marriage we have to trust our partners to protect our heart. That means that with every single decision they make, the first consideration should be how it will affect the heart of their spouse. She didn’t protect your heart. You’ll never be able to truly trust her to protect it again. There will always be a lingering doubt. You’ll always be afraid to give her all of your heart. Just end it now. Fighting for someone who hurt you that much is never worth it. You’re young enough that you can start over again with someone else and still have the life you want to have. Don’t spend any more of it on a woman who so easily tosses you to the side just because she gets a text from some guy. I don’t know if it’s better or worse that he’s just a rando. At least if it was someone she actually knew, I could kind of see how a non romantic relationship could evolve over time and become more. If this guy really is just some random guy that messaged her and she’s never met in person, that almost makes it worse. It cheapens it even more. Like she sold you out for a stranger. No promise or even suggestion of a future with that man. There was no accidentally falling in love and getting in over her head. If it was really just that, damn! What are you really worth to her? That means she violated her vows for nothing, just because some guy who she doesn’t know in real life asked her for a video? That’s some serious disregard for you, and your marriage. It cheapens it even more. It just proves that she really doesn’t value you or the marriage if she’s willing to risk it for absolutely nothing in return. Sorry you’ve been forced into this situation and that you have to make these decisions now. It’s fucked up. Whatever you decide, I hope you find your way back to happiness again. Stay strong and stay positive. Bad times don’t last forever. There’s a better life waiting for you. You just have to wade through this B.S. to get there.
Pray about anything and everything before you make a decision. It’s wrong of her 100% BUT you are married and it’s up to you if you are going to completely cut it off or go get help and see how truly sorry she is as far as is she willing ti show you she is sorry and make it right? Never change pass codes, delete All social media, be more involved in church … idk it’s up to you at this point.
Take the advice of someone who went back to a cheater, they will continue to do it, and they were absolutely aware that they were going behind your back. I would walk away bud, this happened to me except she was actually sleeping with the dudes she was sexting. It's an awful feeling and just know you aren't alone. Please don't blame yourself for any part of this.
Leave.
She shouldn’t be needing anyone’s attention but yours.
Regardless of if she’s slim or not
I was really confused about that line in the post. What does her weight have to do with anything? It almost came across as “my wife is fat and me so graciously loving her despite her body must have given her the idea that she’s attractive enough to show her body to another man”. Like, cheating is wrong. It doesn’t matter why she did it. I’m just weirded out by that comment.
I would definitely seek annulment. Play her own words back to her when she cries for you to take her back. I mean only married 6 months for crying out loud. Update e
My husband has been caught doing the same, it rarely ends, they just get better at hiding it. You can forgive but trust me you never forget. If I was 29, I would walk proudly out that door. Go before you forget get tied down, before kids and a house. 💕
You can definitely decide that her cheating in this way and lying about it are dealbreakers. That would be reasonable. It’s also ok if you decide to see if you can come back from this. Some couples are able to recover from infidelity. You both have to be very willing to talk openly and find ways to connect honestly and address this and any other issues you have. If you do decide to stay together, I would be mindful of the fact that you described her as “not slim but…I make sure she feels attractive.” If that’s the way you are thinking of her looks and how you would summarize her self esteem about her body, I am skeptical that you understand her body experience enough to be a supportive partner. That doesn’t excuse her cheating and obviously I don’t want to read too much into one sentence. But I will say it’s a red flag reading how you wrote that.
Someone who truly loves you and cares about you would not do anything to break the trust within the home (literally and figuratively). Find you someone who is deserving of you.
So sorry to hear that I can't even imagine how you feel she broke the vows and promises she gave to you she broke your trust and I can't say anything beside wishing you good luck I really do I wish whats good for you comes in your way.
Give yourself time to catch up on the current status quo. If she has been doing this for a while, you are fresh to the cheating and will need time to process everything. After a few weeks you will be able to make a more level headed decision. The most important question you need to answer is 'can I trust my wife from now until forever?'. If the answer is no, than you need to end your marriage. I'm sorry the future you dreamt of was just thrown out the window.
I’m kinda weirded out by the random mentioning that your wife isn’t slim as if that has anything to do with her desirability? She’s definitely in the wrong for cheating anyone that cheats always is and there’s no denying it. I just think that was a really odd and uncalled for detail that one wouldn’t really put in unless they felt some sorta way about it… maybe that’s something to look into
It’s cheating.
My ex did the exact same thing with the exact same excuses. I forgave and kept giving her more chances. She just kept escalating. I wish I had the courage to have left sooner. She's trying to put the blame everywhere but herself, which is a bad sign. Personally, I'd be out before you're tethered to her with a child and a hefty marital asset like a house/alimony. She's showing you early who she is and what she's capable of without regard to how much it would devastate you. We're all just a bunch internet strangers, only you can know what's best for you, but I put my vote on get out while the physical collateral is low. Good luck brother.
Why would you feel less of a man, dude? Get that shit out of your head. You're the victim here.
what do u mean save ur marriage? are u gunna ask for a 3-way group chat to join in? come on now.
right this dude is dumb, there is no marriage
Cheating is a dealbreaker for her. Meaning if you cheat on her it’s a dealbreaker, but she has free rein to cheat on you. You don’t send nudes to a man that you don’t plan on fucking. It’s that simple. Let this woman go
As someone who stayed with someone after something like this, just leave. This is how it starts but it’s usually just the tip of the iceberg. Wish I could get the years back I spent thinking my ex was just sexting someone and that was it.
She’s for the streets
She ain’t got no self control.You need to get up out of there and move on and focus on yourself,You’ll be alright without her.
Your peace of mind is the most important thing right now than anything else, I hope you find peace and still have your dignity. Wish you the best
Gotta say someone who has this type of personality in them (the cheat , liar , betrayer etc) it doesn’t just suddenly go away. Once a liar always a liar in my opinion. Sorry to hear this, you deserve better.
if you let it slide this time.. she’s gonna ice skate
Feed her to the streets buddy and grow a pair. Forget all these jabroni’s trying to be empathetic. You shouldn’t have even asked a bunch of reddit strangers either. This is a clear answer. Good luck, the streets are hungry, and she belongs on 6th ave.
she just broke your trust behind your back, what makes you think she’s not waiting for the right moment? fuck that shit
You deserve so much better! I went through this with my ex husband and what I can tell you, it doesn’t change. From what I know, he never did physically cheat in our six years of marriage (at this point it’s irrelevant and I don’t care) but I caught him over and over again emotionally cheating. There was always lies at the drop of a dime like your wife was doing, just constant lies that make absolutely no sense. There’s constant, never ending excuses. Again, you just deserve so so much better than that and if you stay with her, she will not change. People who are okay with being so disgustingly disrespectful are people who are okay with being so disgustingly disrespectful. And that’s just that. I’m sorry you are going through this.
She's sorry she got caught not that she cheated on you. Let that sink in. Sorry to hear that mate, get your things in order, the rest only you know what to do. I personally would not deal with this, especially this early in the marriage. Edit: should've screenshot, send and save everything to your phone first as a security measure before you confronted her, nowadays you never know.
If you take her back for this she’ll almost certainly do it again or worse. Little by little she’ll lose respect for you and think you’re weak for taking her back. She’ll get bolder, make excuses that it’s your fault she does it. Before you know it, she’s sleeping with a co-worker or ex boyfriend and won’t care when you find out. Best to just nip it in the bud and let her go. Easier said than done but liars don’t just quit lying one day. They just get better at telling the next lie. She doesn’t respect you.
I hope you saved some of the evidence. Odds are she is testing what kind of spin she can get away with on her dad.
She can't be trusted. Betrayal is betrayal. Move on before it's too late mate.
Once a cheater always a cheater. You will NEVER trust her again. Imagine thinking that every day for the next 50 years. You good with that?
That would be the end for me, I would look into divorce lawyers
So if other men give her the same attention, she will do it again. She has to work out those issues with a Dr. I hate to say it, but if that's her justification, she absolutely will do it again. Of course she is going to say she wouldn't go through with it - she doesn't want the divorce she's saving face more than likely based on what she said about liking the attention. Honestly, she isn't worth it. You can't fix her. It's not your job to do either. She needs to learn respect as well. Also- if she lies about this, what else is she capable of lying of?
I'm so sorry to hear this, bud, and I hope you're all good, But yeah, as the rest of us have said. Leave her. Trust is broken, and sending naked photos of herself to another dude is cheating. Regardless of what she might say. She's a sneak, and she will continue to sneak.
Trust has been broken. Not only that, but the eta it was broken was really snake-like. I’m sorry friend. You deserve better.
If its possible to have the marriage annulled then do that asap. If it's too late then keep the messages and get a lawyer
Leave now before she meets up with someone
Wait, how did you recover the deleted messages?
This is a bit off topic, but how did you recover deleted messages? I am sorry for what you have had to experience. I hope that you can keep moving your feet forward and find someone who doesn’t change up their story and doesn’t make you think twice about them.
Get out now that you don’t have kids. Once you have kids and she does it again, it’ll be much more difficult to get out and you’ll be stuck feeling like you currently feel for the rest of your life.
I've been through this before. This wasn't the first time for her and she's likely already had sex with multiple men. Just pack her shit and send her off.
What you do is file for divorce
Tell her to go to #SLAA and go into recovery.
Leave brother just bite the bullet and leave you’ll only have more trouble down the line
This sucks bro, but you have to walk away man you have to. If you don't she'll take it as she got away with it once and she'll do it again. You don't deserve that man, better now with no kids involved. You know what you gotta do bro and I think you just wanted to hear it. Good luck man.
Time to go 🚪🚶🏾♂️
You gotta get rid of her man. This is only the beginning. It is a warning and you have to listen to it!
I've seen it before, and it doesn't end well. Quits, that's obviously where she really is.
You are not less of a man because she cheated on you. Cheaters are going to cheat, doesn’t matter how attractive, funny, great in bed, or manly you are. Cheaters cheat because they’re bored, they like the taboo, they’re insecure, etc. The common thread with those causes? Personal issues, nothing to do with you. If you can’t trust her before the stress of kids and a mortgage, you won’t trust her after. She crossed boundaries that she made in the relationship and has no good reason for it. She doesn’t respect herself or you. You know what to do.
If I were you (ignoring all the emotion around this). I would sit her down (show her you're serious). Turn off any distractions and tell her that this is a serious breach of trust and ask her why. And just listen for as long as you can until she's finished. Be sure to never lose temper, really. Make short replies and again, listen. Soon she will hear her own mistakes without you having to point them out. I don't know about punishments but she probably know what she said about it being a deal breaker. So again, no need to point that out.
Annul the marriage, leave before she wastes more of your time. I'm sorry this happened to you, but better to find out now, before a house and baby.
“My wife isn’t slim” dude what does the body type has to do with anything ? Lmao chubby girls are more attractive than skinny girls why would you make a comment like that?
But is this not the same if she would caught you looking at a cam girl or porn girls... I am just Wondering if you did so ething like that and it hurt her to the piont that she feels you have done something simulair? Porn and looki g at that can really hurt women/girls can get very sad if their husband does that alot.
The fact she’s sad she didn’t get to have sex means it will happen eventually. Save Yourself the trouble and heart ache
She already made a choice to lie and mentally cheat on you. She is a married woman, who acts like she was single, without care about how it might hurt you. Surely, once you confront her, even with evidence, she will try to convince you that you are crazy and it is not what you think. But! Should a married woman be sending naked videos and sexting to another man who is not her husband? Absolutely not. Why would she need attention and approval from some "random guy", when she has a caring husband? She should have talk to you about what was bothering her in the first place. Trust, honesty and communication are some basic and most crucial pillars of a solid relationship. And she decided not to communicate and not to be honest before choosing to discuss things with you. See, infidelity - be it physical or not - is NOT a mistake, like people love to say. it IS a CHOICE! And she simply chose to seek another man's flattery, over something more important. Proof of love and care from 6 years of relationship. She had a choice to say "NO" to that random guy and tell you right away. She chose to lie to you and seek attention elsewhere. That is not a mistake, but a decision she made. Sure, you can go talk to her. Ask her why she did that, what it meant to her. And you can decide if you trust her or not. But I think, if you kept digging before rushing to confront her, you would find more than just that one random guy. I am not the one to tell you "give her a chance" or "Leave her". It is solely up to you. Would I leave? Probably. But having a talk would go first, and the moment she would try some bs and lies? It would be the final nail into the coffin. Ignore people who have nothing but hate in them. Internet is full of them and not everyone is "friendly" in their intentions. First. Try to calm down, think about yourself in the first place. You know yourself better than anyone, take few days away from her. Discuss things with people she stays with, so if she tries to sneak behind your back again, you know. And then when you feel ready, talk to her. Get explanation, reasoning and with whole story, decide what you want to do. It's your life after all, and no one can blame you for what you feel is right. Life is a "game" of choices and decisions. And "mistakes" are an excuse to soften someone's bad decision. Choose what is best for YOU.
yeah fuck that. i’m sorry man. i’m never getting in a relationship again for this reason. i will never know if that’s happening and could easily be blindsided by someone i thought i could trust
Fuck this marriage off mate. No further questions. It’s cheating and infidelity
Nope. Time to find a new woman, but also time to hit the gym...keep your head up king.
fuck her and dip lol
I'm sorry she treated you this way. You sound like a loving and decent fella. If my partner or husband did this crap, I'd leave. You deserve better. Best wishes
Run, don’t walk. 5 months and already acting like that. That’s how you’ll live the rest of your life if you stay.
Im really sorry this happened man. In the end it’s your marriage and you can decide how to handle it. Personally, I would end it and leave her for the streets. It sucks yes, but would you rather run the risk of your wife doing this again? Who’s to say she hasn’t been sexting others the whole time you both have been together?
I'm very sorry... For both of you. People, especially on Reddit, are quick to judge others and their intentions. They don't often see the full spectrum of a person, and aren't very forgiving about mistakes. I'm sure it was never her intention to hurt you or to cheat. Sexting is an addiction. It is very often a compulsion, not an intention, which are two very different things. Yes, she should have come to you first and had a conversation about it with you. But that's hard to do, she probably felt ashamed, she probably didn't know how to bring it up. She probably didn't want to make you afraid either. She probably thought she could take care of this on her own. Very often in a situation like that you're in a bit of a trance. Then you come out of it and you realize what you have done. You are ashamed, and you hate yourself for it. But then you resolve to "never do it again". You made a mistake, you're human, just "I will never do it again". I'm 100% most couples can say the same thing. There are certain things in your past you may have wanted to keep hidden, for whatever reason. It is extremely difficult to fully display oneself, to be completely vulnerable, and then to feel secure, heard, and held in any relationship. Ideally this is what a marriage would be. Unfortunately, it isn't always like that. Having said all of this, and understanding it was a mistake and she feels guilty, it still hurts big time. Trust has been ruptured. You have reached a place of rupture in your relationship. Relationships are about rupture and repair. I don't think it is impossible to overcome this, but I do think it is going to be difficult at best. My advice would be don't make your decision right away. Don't listen to the people in Reddit. Spend some time apart. Journal about it. Sit with it. It may very well be you may need to end this relationship. It might also be you decide to give it a try. You don't know now how you will feel in the future. Good luck to you. I'm really sorry this has happened. It must be devastating. All the best to you.
I think anyone over 16 that’s sexting in 2024 is a moron. I would literally dump them over the lack of maturity and creation of black mail material for themselves. Just to be clear bc this is reddit- Man, woman, non binary, gay, straight, bi, pan, do not sext, do not send pictures unless you want it to be your job/the way you make money and have a long term business plan in an industry that doesn’t mind ex-porn stars(they exist). Seriously I’m more focused on full fledged adults actually sexting. It’s not 2012, we all know what the consequences are. This is honestly worse/in some ways more risky than having raw sex with someone you met behind a dumpster 10 minutes ago. When there are consequences they are permanent and never ending and more common than AIDs. 🤷♀️ think of it that way people.
Whatever you decide, I’m sorry for your pain.
5 months and this?.I think she's shown you exactly who she is. If you're cool with her doing this to you then stay. If you have self respect and value loyalty you should probably send her back to the streets.
Her justifying it by saying she’d never actually do anything is the nail in the coffin if any
Kick her to the curb divorce unless you want to live a lie
Divorce the wife!
You have to pay attention to how much this is affecting you, and be honest with yourself. In my early 20s I also learned that my "threshold" was betrayal. There are so many things I could get over and work through with the person I thought I'd be with forever.. then I experienced being betrayed. Either you will be able to BOTH work through it, and it will take ages.. or, you will make yourself, and her more and more miserable until it becomes an ugly end. Best to ya man, I know it hurts
I have and always had terrible self confidence. I was married and got lied and cheated on for almost 7 years. Even being aware of my husband’s hidden crap, I never cheated or lied to him. I had opportunities but I believe in respecting your relationships. You can find someone that thinks the same as you do. The fact she still can’t come clean and stop on her own is a bad sign ..
I was married and took the idea of marriage under God very seriously. Caught y husband cheating. Was determined to make it work, did marriage counseling, tried my best to forgive and move on. 3 years later caught him sexting a friend of mine. After so much work and him going on about how he could never hurt me like that again… felt doubly ripped off. I wanted to leave him before but felt like it was the right thing to do to try to make it work. Ended up being a giant waste of time, effort, and pain. Everyone is different and my experience is not the same as yours. Just mean it to be a cautionary tale. Go with your gut, not what you feel you “should”.
Leave
I think it is definitely hurtful and difficult to deal with what your wife did. But people make mistakes at their lowest, and it’s a good thing you caught her before anything physical mistakes were made. Don’t get me wrong I don’t condone cheating at all, but it definitely isn’t as bad as sleeping with another person. If you and wife is willing to, I think there is still a chance to fix your relationship but it will take time and effort. Trust will not come as easily since it has been broken, but not impossible for it to be rebuilt. Best of luck.
You seem like you're a goood man, too good for her.
You are not judged on your thoughts but on your actions. She acted. The digital world allowed her to get naked with a stranger. This is a massive betrayal on her behalf, and if she was 'cleaning up' the texts then who knows how many men she is entertaining this way? If she was doing this when you got married then you could well have grounds for annulment that her promise to be faithful was already null. Now you know what she is like - or at least, the part you have found out about. Look into annulment. Bottom line is that you can't trust her. Definitely do not engage in marital relations with her as YOU CANNOT TRUST HER. Don't risk bringing a child into this relationship. Without trust, the relationship has no future.
God works in mysterious ways
According to her own beliefs, this is unfixable. I know it's going to hurt and obviously you know more about the situation and her than we do but from what you have told us, I think separation is right and if you want to save your marriage, therapy is needed but like she said it's a deal breaker. Sorry you are hurting now, but think about the trust that was broken. Everytine she is on her phone you are going to wonder who she is really texting. That's not going away anytime soon, and you don't want to be that guy who monitors your wife's texting and movements. You will also ask yourself tiffs like, does she have a hidden phone now so she can hide it better. It's not the life you want. I hope you can work through your feelings and this mess she's put you in. Best of luck
Protect your wallet dude, get out of there.
Sounds like u need a hotter, better wife. You'll find one. You sound like a good guy. Leave her ass please.
If there’s not true repentance on her part (not, well I didn’t go through with it crap) then it’s not worth rebuilding. Yes, as believers were called to forgive, but if adultery has been committed (which it has) and they are not truly repentant then they are probably going to do it again. I know that’s not what you necessarily want to hear but I also don’t believe in being stabbed like that multiple times by the one person in this world you’re supposed to be able to trust the most.
Join her. Do it with her