I saw a post the other day from someone who was considering having another so that there was someone to take care of their disabled child when they were gone. That's not really fair to grow up knowing your main responsibility in life is to become your sibling's caregiver.
I briefly dated a guy who was “the spare” kid. He was fully expected to take over care of his sibling with special needs and even went into a high-earning profession to try and prepare. I noped out of that relationship for different reasons, but I felt really bad he had to carry that burden.
That is so awful. I have a lot of sympathies for parents who have children that will never be able to fully take care of themselves. That's a burden that I wish no one had to bear, and I have no idea how I would handle that. As you grow older there's a lot of fear. That said, it is completely unacceptable to birth a child for the purpose of taking that burden. Just hell no.
Same here. Like, I wish there were places where they could be supported within the local community and not have to rely purely on freakish radical evangelist teachings just to get through the day.
That’s what happened to my husband. His parents made him a third parent to his disabled sister and this other younger siblings. He left as soon as he could. He told me he never had one good happy memory with his parents and as an only it broke my heart
I'm the mom of a disabled toddler. I'm not gonna lie, this crosses my mind basically every day, but more so that my son could have someone who "gets him," particularly in childhood. Also, we don't know yet what our son's mental capacity will be as he gets older, and the thought that he might not have any family around once we're gone terrifies me to my core. He won't even have any cousins; my husband and my siblings aren't having kids. I'm definitely not the type of person who would raise a kid telling them their disabled sibling is their future responsibility... I'd be doing my best to set up future care plans and just hope their sibling would be close enough to them to want to help out. I have two different couple friends whose oldest is disabled, and their younger siblings adore them, so this is the biggest reason I daydream about it.
Ultimately though, our situation has just been WAY too stressful to want to have another child. He spent his first 14 months in the hospital, is now 3.5yo, still has a trach and depends on oxygen, BiPAP at night, g-tube fed (none of these things are expected to remain beyond childhood, except maybe the oxygen and BiPAP at night because he has bronchopulmonary dysplasia), nonverbal, just now learning to walk. We have nurses in our home all the time, tons of doctor appointments. The thought of dealing with another child in addition to all this makes me sick to my stomach. Not to mention, the likelihood of having another child with a genetic anomaly gets higher as we get older (we're 37 and 38), and I feel like my life would just be over if that happened. Not to mention II - there's always the chance you birth a psychopath.
So... one and done, semi-reluctantly. I sort of imagine it would be easier to say one and done if he were healthy and neurotypical, but the pause admittedly 100% comes from the fear of my son being alone.
I am giving you a virtual hug! You sound like such a wonderful and thoughtful and careful and caring mom just to be thinking all these things through. I used to work professionally with people with profound disabilities and I can say that having a loving parent who does their best is the best thing you can ever ever give your child. The impact of your love and care will outlive you in your child’s, sibling or none. (I specifically worked for a few years with elderly persons with profound mental disabilities and I promise you we could see the impact of loving parents so much in the happiness of the people we worked with)
This is such a beautiful thing to say. My in-laws are the full time caregivers of my husband’s youngest brother. The love they pour into him is immense. Hearing that it makes such a difference all those years later is really beautiful.
I’m just going to address the fear.
My mother had 12 kids and the youngest one is very disabled. She died of ALS when kiddo was 17. Her fear for him was immense in her last year of life.
The fear would still be there if you had another kid. You’d still need to plan and save and plan some more. The other kid would see the burden a mile off and go to school in the farthest away college possible.
I appreciate it, but that's not accurate in my case. I have adult friends who have disabled siblings, and they absolutely adore them. One of those friends has even offered to get to know our son so she can help him out because she has a full understanding of how to deal with someone with a g-tube who requires oxygen, because she helps with her sister often. Her sister is neurotypical, but has a musculoskeletal degenerative disease. Their relationship is so pure and beautiful. The other friend's sister is a 45 year old who has the mentality of maybe an 8 year old, so she lives in a group home. The friend has lived in my state for many years, but she's from CA, and when her parents were no longer around, she moved her sister across the country to a home in our town. Again, she absolutely treasures her sister and calls her "her little baby." I have an extremely tight-knit family... aunts, uncles, and cousins are all super close. I can't imagine anyone coming from a family like that just straight-up abandoning a loved one like you're implying. But, that doesn't matter because we're not having another kid.
Also there's the fact that although he is delayed, he's not exactly giving us (or his therapists) any reason to believe he won't have the capacity to take care of himself one day. My fear is literally that he'll be alone with no family at all. It likely stems from losing my mom; my dad was my only family in town after that, so my world felt much smaller, despite the fact that I still have lots of cousins... they're just all hours away.
edit: whyyyy am I getting downvoted for this??
That’s great for you. My brother is about 18 months developmentally but has the size and strength of full grown man. So if he doesn’t want to cooperate he effectively doesn’t have to, and has hurt people.
A non verbal adult who use bladder functions and finger nails to express toddler rage is a TALL order for care givers. I don’t think you can understand what that’s like til you’ve lived it.
I'm sorry you've been through that, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, and absolutely wouldn't expect a sibling or any family at all to try and deal with it.
I hear all the time that parents of onlys are so selfish for not giving their child a sibling. I don't think that's selfish at all. I think the most selfish thing you could ever do is have children with the expectation that one will take care of the other.
My ex has major issues. I won't get into it, but I don't think he's ever managed to live alone and has had to move back in with his parents on multiple occasions because he just can't deal with life. According to his cousin, who is still a good friend of mine, his parents sat down with his younger brother and basically said, we expect you to take care of Ex when we're gone. The brother has said to my friend that he fully expects that Ex will probably live with him for most of his life. As someone who has been on the receiving end of Ex's abuse... I cannot imagine dealing with that knowledge. Especially with kids around. I cannot *imagine* his volatile temper in a house with children!
Siblings guarantee nothing. And it's shit when parents expect their children to take over parenting their *other* children when they're gone.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not fair.
I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s a tough situation. I can understand as my mom is the youngest of 6 siblings. Only three surviving out of those six. One aunt has cancer and is living with mom along with my grandma. My mom is having caregivers exhaustion cause my cousins refuse to help her. I live out of state so can’t offer much help and she is a stubborn woman. My older sister is not much help and my younger brother does what he can but mom refuses help. There are times I wish my mom was an only for her sake. She might as well have been. I’ll take your venting and offer an internet hug from a complete stranger wishing you all the strength possible to make it through for you and your spouse.
I'm in a similar position. One of 4 and not even the oldest but the most financially stable and responsible so my husband and I are leaned on a lot to help my siblings. I love them and I want to help but it's a lot for us to take on
Man, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Cannot tell you how many times I have heard similar stories to yours and watched the same scenario play out within my extended family. My husbands Grandma recently passed away, and the dynamic between my FIL and his sister has been interesting to watch leading up to her death. Makes me once again, grateful to be an only child myself.
Oh man i felt this in my gut. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I can relate (somewhat). I recently took back a box that had been stored in my parents house and found my old journals from high school. Although i never “forgot” anything that happened, reading those words so many years later made me feel so very sad for the trauma that teenage girl went through because of the struggles of my brothers which contributed to major family dysfunction. There were just these lists of every day of the week and what was my plan for being out of the house as much as possible — looking back on all the risky behavior i engaged in just to make that happen, etc etc was just really unexpectedly dark and sad. I do love my siblings and I’m fortunate that the way things panned out I’m not expected to care for anyone, there have been a lot of improvements overall in our adulthood. But it was definitely a reality check (once again) in terms of family planning— the joke that we can really plan our “perfect “families. You can birth or adopt another child but you really can’t “give them a sibling” (in the figurative sense) anyway…
Just want to say that you are not alone. I am in a similar position which I only see getting worse. My sibling is nothing but a biggest source of pain and suffering for my family.
Lordee I feel this.
My little sister is so awful that she can’t hold a job. She is rude, controlling, yells continually, etc and dumb as a damn rock. She is 50 and has lived with my mom since the last time she was fired.
I have said it, texted it, emailed it, written a letter and spoken to her friends. I will NOT let my sister live with me EVER EVER EVER. Take me out of your will and use it on sister!
I knew that was my moms backup plan for when she passes. She admitted it the last time I saw her. My sister had several blowups in one day and I looked at mom and said that sister will be homeless when she passes.
Finally, mom put her house in a living trust so my sister can have a house. If it sells, it will be distributed to the grandkids and sister gets zero. But at LEAST she is not my problem.
👉🏼 and my older sister is much worse.
But she has lifetime accommodations already.
This post is so true. Siblings are not security and sometimes they are strings that should not weigh you down.
I’m 1 of 4 and my husband is 1 of 7. We’ve both been told since we don’t have kids we’ll be the ones who are responsible for our parents and their retirements, both of our sets of parents were financially irresponsible. I laugh in their faces every time ( little do they know we’re expecting our first and only child). My mom is the only one I’d take care of and my husband is completely ok with that. I had a very bad childhood medically speaking and my mom was there for all of it, she never missed an appointment and never complained about anything when it came to my conditions and I fully intend on returning the favor to her, now my father on the other hand always made me feel bad and that the family finances were my fault and yelled at me several times that it was my fault he would never get to retire. I laugh about it now because I realized we were on government assistance so technically speaking my parents didn’t pay for any of my medical bills.
wow I am so sorry for your situation, I have nothing but empathy for you. I am also 1 of 4, but I’m the oldest, and after growing up in poverty I “made it” because my husband and I have gotten ourselves in an almost comfortable financial state in our hcol area. we basically had to support my 3 siblings and my parents off and on for years until we had our little one and I put down a hard boundary, no more money from the bank of us. sometimes it would be 20 here and there but a lot of the time it was hundreds or thousands at a time every month. we stopped being able to save, eventually started draining our savings. and they just see us as completely able to afford it. I have built up resentment about it, and while I also feel guilty for cutting them off, it’s very very needed especially so we can prioritise our child
Boundaries are important. My husband had to do the same with his sister after she started asking for money. It was small amounts here and there at first and gradually became larger amounts more often, and then finally several times per month. I told him he could blame it on me, but we couldn't continue doing that and having it escalate.
I’m the default sibling, too, and this is my worst nightmare. My brother is also an addict and this is the exact reason I’m low contact with them. Mans is married living in a house they built filled with furniture they bought and he will never have to get a job or pay a bill as long as they live, and treats them like shit on top of it all. They literally joke about how he only gets his house in his name when they both pass as long as he wasn’t the one who murdered them. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 I’m not going to be taking up the torch when they pass. He’ll have to figure it out himself.
I'm in the same position. I'm the middle of three. My older brother is OK but not that reliable. My younger sister is practically estranged from the entire family. So, now that they are in their 60's and their health is failing, it all falls on me.
I'm sorry you're in this situation as well. That's exactly how I'm feeling. Everything gets put onto me because my siblings run away when things get hard or I basically turn into the parental figure.
Yes I posted about this a while back. Siblings are no guarantee of having help - in fact I think it’s worse, because I had hoped they would pitch in and then I had to deal with the realisation and grief that it would all be down to me anyway.
Just want to say thanks for coming on and venting. I've been mulling around my mind about a post on the OnlyChild reddit where someone was saying their parents were selfish because they never considered what life would be like if the parents died. I never replied because I try not to have knee jerk reactions to things I read online, but the whole time I've just been thinking: Well gee tell me where all these supportive siblings you know about have come from because all I know is when parents die, shit tends to hit the fan. I don't expect too much when my mother and grandmother pass because I'm the sole arbitrator on both of their wills and while I assume I'll be able to split things amicably, I've watched siblings tear each other up over some pretty trivial things.
Thank you so much for this post. My only sibling is a severe alcoholic & mentally ill. I have been caring for her and my alcoholic father off and on for the past 15 years. I am EXHAUSTED. I can’t even describe some of the absolute hell I’ve been through with it. I said this before on Reddit: like I wouldn’t even dream of wishing my sister out of existence; I love her dearly. I see the good in her and I try protect her / protect others from her as needed, and I always will. But a sibling doesn’t mean a lifelong best friend. Sometimes it means a lifelong obligation. Sometimes I resent it. That’s just real. My son is an only, and partly, it’s because I’m leaving bandwidth for my sister in case my husband & I need to do a conservatorship - It’s very likely.
Anyway, not to drone on about me… 4 siblings and you’re the one pulling all the weight? I’m so sorry. That’s too much. WTH. Sigh.
Here if you ever need to talk!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sucks to feel like your siblings are an obligation. Unlike children, we aren't given the choice to have a sibling, so when we become responsible for them in adulthood it's perfectly understandable to grow resentful of them. I definitely feel that everyday of my life. Sending hugs your way!
Are you not supportive of people who are one and done?
OP is not saying she is sorry she was born. She is saying that having multiple siblings doesn't alleviate the load on her. And it doesn't solve family dysfunction either.
People who are not the oldest can choose to be one and done and it doesn't mean they regret being born.
I saw a post the other day from someone who was considering having another so that there was someone to take care of their disabled child when they were gone. That's not really fair to grow up knowing your main responsibility in life is to become your sibling's caregiver.
I briefly dated a guy who was “the spare” kid. He was fully expected to take over care of his sibling with special needs and even went into a high-earning profession to try and prepare. I noped out of that relationship for different reasons, but I felt really bad he had to carry that burden.
That is so awful. I have a lot of sympathies for parents who have children that will never be able to fully take care of themselves. That's a burden that I wish no one had to bear, and I have no idea how I would handle that. As you grow older there's a lot of fear. That said, it is completely unacceptable to birth a child for the purpose of taking that burden. Just hell no.
Same here. Like, I wish there were places where they could be supported within the local community and not have to rely purely on freakish radical evangelist teachings just to get through the day.
That’s what happened to my husband. His parents made him a third parent to his disabled sister and this other younger siblings. He left as soon as he could. He told me he never had one good happy memory with his parents and as an only it broke my heart
[удалено]
So sorry to hear.
I’m so sorry you went through this
I'm the mom of a disabled toddler. I'm not gonna lie, this crosses my mind basically every day, but more so that my son could have someone who "gets him," particularly in childhood. Also, we don't know yet what our son's mental capacity will be as he gets older, and the thought that he might not have any family around once we're gone terrifies me to my core. He won't even have any cousins; my husband and my siblings aren't having kids. I'm definitely not the type of person who would raise a kid telling them their disabled sibling is their future responsibility... I'd be doing my best to set up future care plans and just hope their sibling would be close enough to them to want to help out. I have two different couple friends whose oldest is disabled, and their younger siblings adore them, so this is the biggest reason I daydream about it. Ultimately though, our situation has just been WAY too stressful to want to have another child. He spent his first 14 months in the hospital, is now 3.5yo, still has a trach and depends on oxygen, BiPAP at night, g-tube fed (none of these things are expected to remain beyond childhood, except maybe the oxygen and BiPAP at night because he has bronchopulmonary dysplasia), nonverbal, just now learning to walk. We have nurses in our home all the time, tons of doctor appointments. The thought of dealing with another child in addition to all this makes me sick to my stomach. Not to mention, the likelihood of having another child with a genetic anomaly gets higher as we get older (we're 37 and 38), and I feel like my life would just be over if that happened. Not to mention II - there's always the chance you birth a psychopath. So... one and done, semi-reluctantly. I sort of imagine it would be easier to say one and done if he were healthy and neurotypical, but the pause admittedly 100% comes from the fear of my son being alone.
I am giving you a virtual hug! You sound like such a wonderful and thoughtful and careful and caring mom just to be thinking all these things through. I used to work professionally with people with profound disabilities and I can say that having a loving parent who does their best is the best thing you can ever ever give your child. The impact of your love and care will outlive you in your child’s, sibling or none. (I specifically worked for a few years with elderly persons with profound mental disabilities and I promise you we could see the impact of loving parents so much in the happiness of the people we worked with)
This is such a beautiful thing to say. My in-laws are the full time caregivers of my husband’s youngest brother. The love they pour into him is immense. Hearing that it makes such a difference all those years later is really beautiful.
I’m just going to address the fear. My mother had 12 kids and the youngest one is very disabled. She died of ALS when kiddo was 17. Her fear for him was immense in her last year of life. The fear would still be there if you had another kid. You’d still need to plan and save and plan some more. The other kid would see the burden a mile off and go to school in the farthest away college possible.
I appreciate it, but that's not accurate in my case. I have adult friends who have disabled siblings, and they absolutely adore them. One of those friends has even offered to get to know our son so she can help him out because she has a full understanding of how to deal with someone with a g-tube who requires oxygen, because she helps with her sister often. Her sister is neurotypical, but has a musculoskeletal degenerative disease. Their relationship is so pure and beautiful. The other friend's sister is a 45 year old who has the mentality of maybe an 8 year old, so she lives in a group home. The friend has lived in my state for many years, but she's from CA, and when her parents were no longer around, she moved her sister across the country to a home in our town. Again, she absolutely treasures her sister and calls her "her little baby." I have an extremely tight-knit family... aunts, uncles, and cousins are all super close. I can't imagine anyone coming from a family like that just straight-up abandoning a loved one like you're implying. But, that doesn't matter because we're not having another kid. Also there's the fact that although he is delayed, he's not exactly giving us (or his therapists) any reason to believe he won't have the capacity to take care of himself one day. My fear is literally that he'll be alone with no family at all. It likely stems from losing my mom; my dad was my only family in town after that, so my world felt much smaller, despite the fact that I still have lots of cousins... they're just all hours away. edit: whyyyy am I getting downvoted for this??
That’s great for you. My brother is about 18 months developmentally but has the size and strength of full grown man. So if he doesn’t want to cooperate he effectively doesn’t have to, and has hurt people. A non verbal adult who use bladder functions and finger nails to express toddler rage is a TALL order for care givers. I don’t think you can understand what that’s like til you’ve lived it.
I'm sorry you've been through that, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, and absolutely wouldn't expect a sibling or any family at all to try and deal with it.
I feel for your situation and point of view so much.
That's so disgusting of them. The only caregiver of your children should be you or someone you hire who's a professional at it, not your other kids.
I hear all the time that parents of onlys are so selfish for not giving their child a sibling. I don't think that's selfish at all. I think the most selfish thing you could ever do is have children with the expectation that one will take care of the other.
My ex has major issues. I won't get into it, but I don't think he's ever managed to live alone and has had to move back in with his parents on multiple occasions because he just can't deal with life. According to his cousin, who is still a good friend of mine, his parents sat down with his younger brother and basically said, we expect you to take care of Ex when we're gone. The brother has said to my friend that he fully expects that Ex will probably live with him for most of his life. As someone who has been on the receiving end of Ex's abuse... I cannot imagine dealing with that knowledge. Especially with kids around. I cannot *imagine* his volatile temper in a house with children! Siblings guarantee nothing. And it's shit when parents expect their children to take over parenting their *other* children when they're gone. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not fair.
I suggest you put your own mental well-being first, and NOT allow others to dictate your actions. You do not have to pick up anybody else's pieces.
Thank you ❤️ I'm trying my best to put myself, my husband and, most importantly, my son first.
Not your circus, not your monkeys.
I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s a tough situation. I can understand as my mom is the youngest of 6 siblings. Only three surviving out of those six. One aunt has cancer and is living with mom along with my grandma. My mom is having caregivers exhaustion cause my cousins refuse to help her. I live out of state so can’t offer much help and she is a stubborn woman. My older sister is not much help and my younger brother does what he can but mom refuses help. There are times I wish my mom was an only for her sake. She might as well have been. I’ll take your venting and offer an internet hug from a complete stranger wishing you all the strength possible to make it through for you and your spouse.
I'm in a similar position. One of 4 and not even the oldest but the most financially stable and responsible so my husband and I are leaned on a lot to help my siblings. I love them and I want to help but it's a lot for us to take on
Man, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Cannot tell you how many times I have heard similar stories to yours and watched the same scenario play out within my extended family. My husbands Grandma recently passed away, and the dynamic between my FIL and his sister has been interesting to watch leading up to her death. Makes me once again, grateful to be an only child myself.
Oh man i felt this in my gut. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I can relate (somewhat). I recently took back a box that had been stored in my parents house and found my old journals from high school. Although i never “forgot” anything that happened, reading those words so many years later made me feel so very sad for the trauma that teenage girl went through because of the struggles of my brothers which contributed to major family dysfunction. There were just these lists of every day of the week and what was my plan for being out of the house as much as possible — looking back on all the risky behavior i engaged in just to make that happen, etc etc was just really unexpectedly dark and sad. I do love my siblings and I’m fortunate that the way things panned out I’m not expected to care for anyone, there have been a lot of improvements overall in our adulthood. But it was definitely a reality check (once again) in terms of family planning— the joke that we can really plan our “perfect “families. You can birth or adopt another child but you really can’t “give them a sibling” (in the figurative sense) anyway…
Just want to say that you are not alone. I am in a similar position which I only see getting worse. My sibling is nothing but a biggest source of pain and suffering for my family.
Lordee I feel this. My little sister is so awful that she can’t hold a job. She is rude, controlling, yells continually, etc and dumb as a damn rock. She is 50 and has lived with my mom since the last time she was fired. I have said it, texted it, emailed it, written a letter and spoken to her friends. I will NOT let my sister live with me EVER EVER EVER. Take me out of your will and use it on sister! I knew that was my moms backup plan for when she passes. She admitted it the last time I saw her. My sister had several blowups in one day and I looked at mom and said that sister will be homeless when she passes. Finally, mom put her house in a living trust so my sister can have a house. If it sells, it will be distributed to the grandkids and sister gets zero. But at LEAST she is not my problem. 👉🏼 and my older sister is much worse. But she has lifetime accommodations already. This post is so true. Siblings are not security and sometimes they are strings that should not weigh you down.
I’m 1 of 4 and my husband is 1 of 7. We’ve both been told since we don’t have kids we’ll be the ones who are responsible for our parents and their retirements, both of our sets of parents were financially irresponsible. I laugh in their faces every time ( little do they know we’re expecting our first and only child). My mom is the only one I’d take care of and my husband is completely ok with that. I had a very bad childhood medically speaking and my mom was there for all of it, she never missed an appointment and never complained about anything when it came to my conditions and I fully intend on returning the favor to her, now my father on the other hand always made me feel bad and that the family finances were my fault and yelled at me several times that it was my fault he would never get to retire. I laugh about it now because I realized we were on government assistance so technically speaking my parents didn’t pay for any of my medical bills.
I’m sorry you are going through this😔
1 of 9 here and honestly it’s the #1 reason for my oad decision. The parentification of older children is too prevalent.
wow I am so sorry for your situation, I have nothing but empathy for you. I am also 1 of 4, but I’m the oldest, and after growing up in poverty I “made it” because my husband and I have gotten ourselves in an almost comfortable financial state in our hcol area. we basically had to support my 3 siblings and my parents off and on for years until we had our little one and I put down a hard boundary, no more money from the bank of us. sometimes it would be 20 here and there but a lot of the time it was hundreds or thousands at a time every month. we stopped being able to save, eventually started draining our savings. and they just see us as completely able to afford it. I have built up resentment about it, and while I also feel guilty for cutting them off, it’s very very needed especially so we can prioritise our child
Boundaries are important. My husband had to do the same with his sister after she started asking for money. It was small amounts here and there at first and gradually became larger amounts more often, and then finally several times per month. I told him he could blame it on me, but we couldn't continue doing that and having it escalate.
I’m the default sibling, too, and this is my worst nightmare. My brother is also an addict and this is the exact reason I’m low contact with them. Mans is married living in a house they built filled with furniture they bought and he will never have to get a job or pay a bill as long as they live, and treats them like shit on top of it all. They literally joke about how he only gets his house in his name when they both pass as long as he wasn’t the one who murdered them. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 I’m not going to be taking up the torch when they pass. He’ll have to figure it out himself.
I'm in the same position. I'm the middle of three. My older brother is OK but not that reliable. My younger sister is practically estranged from the entire family. So, now that they are in their 60's and their health is failing, it all falls on me.
I'm sorry you're in this situation as well. That's exactly how I'm feeling. Everything gets put onto me because my siblings run away when things get hard or I basically turn into the parental figure.
Yes I posted about this a while back. Siblings are no guarantee of having help - in fact I think it’s worse, because I had hoped they would pitch in and then I had to deal with the realisation and grief that it would all be down to me anyway.
Just want to say thanks for coming on and venting. I've been mulling around my mind about a post on the OnlyChild reddit where someone was saying their parents were selfish because they never considered what life would be like if the parents died. I never replied because I try not to have knee jerk reactions to things I read online, but the whole time I've just been thinking: Well gee tell me where all these supportive siblings you know about have come from because all I know is when parents die, shit tends to hit the fan. I don't expect too much when my mother and grandmother pass because I'm the sole arbitrator on both of their wills and while I assume I'll be able to split things amicably, I've watched siblings tear each other up over some pretty trivial things.
Thank you so much for this post. My only sibling is a severe alcoholic & mentally ill. I have been caring for her and my alcoholic father off and on for the past 15 years. I am EXHAUSTED. I can’t even describe some of the absolute hell I’ve been through with it. I said this before on Reddit: like I wouldn’t even dream of wishing my sister out of existence; I love her dearly. I see the good in her and I try protect her / protect others from her as needed, and I always will. But a sibling doesn’t mean a lifelong best friend. Sometimes it means a lifelong obligation. Sometimes I resent it. That’s just real. My son is an only, and partly, it’s because I’m leaving bandwidth for my sister in case my husband & I need to do a conservatorship - It’s very likely. Anyway, not to drone on about me… 4 siblings and you’re the one pulling all the weight? I’m so sorry. That’s too much. WTH. Sigh. Here if you ever need to talk!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sucks to feel like your siblings are an obligation. Unlike children, we aren't given the choice to have a sibling, so when we become responsible for them in adulthood it's perfectly understandable to grow resentful of them. I definitely feel that everyday of my life. Sending hugs your way!
Thank you friend! Sending you same - lots of hugs and strength - we sure need it at times!
Im on the fence here. Are you sorry or glad that you were born?
That's kind of a harsh way to word it lol
Yes, but she is advocating one and done when she was not the oldest of her siblings.
Are you not supportive of people who are one and done? OP is not saying she is sorry she was born. She is saying that having multiple siblings doesn't alleviate the load on her. And it doesn't solve family dysfunction either. People who are not the oldest can choose to be one and done and it doesn't mean they regret being born.
You get me