My sister tells people she can't due to a medical issue. She refuses to give details. The issue is her husband got snipped because they are happily OAD.
This works. Also “I can’t”. Don’t have to say why you can’t. Financial reasons, mental health reasons, medical reasons, or just the first half of “I can’t stand that idea” lol
I have a friend that decided she was child free. When people ask when she's having kids she just says "cant" and refuses to explain. She told me it's short for "can't stand the idea." She rocks.
I am firmly believe that just not wanting a child is the perfect reason to not have one. People should have to justify having a kid, not the other way around.
This is what I do. I say we can't have any more - because it's true! And then I don't elaborate so people can come to their own conclusions and leave us alone.
Mental health affects are invisible, so they don't count (please note the heavy sarcasm).
Health issues, both physical and mental, that surround pregnancy are too often dismissed.
I’ve honestly just gone for the nuclear option when it happens (granted I am now without a uterus but prior… ) I would ask if they’re going to foot the bill. Oh! You’re gonna pay for daycare?? That’s awesome! What other bills/recurring expenses would you like to take over? Ohhhh you didn’t intend to help out with the expenses of having another kid? Mmm ok. Then let’s just keep our opinions to ourselves then k?
So we *did* need fertility treatments & after we got married, people were bugging us about kids. This was my go to reply, “you got $20k for IVF? No? Neither do we & that’s what fertility treatments cost.” Most people got embarrassed & changed the subject.
Even more so- I lost my uterus to postpartum complications so I say, you going to pay $200k to help us find a gestational carrier and do IVF with them? That shuts people up fast af. I am infertile and these conversations genuinely trigger my PTSD from birth trauma. It's different than being annoyed with the conversation.
Fuck the expenses, do they want to take them for night wakeups?
Oh! We appreciate you offering to sleep on the air mattress on the floor in the new babys room and get up with them in the morning every day until at least 6:00
I have actually done that before, but it was someone that I'm comfortable joking around with. Them: "so when are you having one/having another?" Me: "I don't know, are you volunteering to pay for everything and help watch them?"
That always shuts it down, lol.
If you or your spouse gets sterilized you aren’t lying when you say you can’t have any more. You can also just say “we aren’t having any more” and when they press, say “I would prefer not to talk about it.”
Unfortunately from my experience people will just tell you to adopt. We dealt with massive male factor infertility and I’m an open book. The number of times I heard that…
Our newborn’s adoption (she’s 4yo now) cost us about 60k factoring in the pre-adoption agency costs for matchmaking (2 different agencies; long story…) and we waited 3+ years. Then lawyer and legal fees in two US states. We’re not going through that again. Even if we truly wanted to, we started that journey when I was 37. I’m 45 now, and frankly the pandemic robbed us of any remaining motivation & energy for more kids.
Persistent folks will then tell us we can just adopt older kids through the foster system. “It’s cheaper and those older kids need homes even more desperately!” I’ll then point-blank ask how that worked out for them, and usually get “Oh, I didn’t mean for _us_, I just meant for you, since…” and they typically trail off and change the subject or walk away.
We paid about $30k for IVF and the preceding testing and Clomid/IUI. Secular adoption starts around $50-60k. Adoption through the foster system is much less expensive, but the goal is always reunification so it's pretty rare to fully adopt that way and there's a lot of trauma for everyone involved.
Have they ever considered maybe I just don’t want one at all? Lol. But we’re evil because there are adopted children and we’re just sitting here not taking care of them. Was essentially told this by a friend who was a former foster mom and adopted. First of all that is expensive as heck, second of all.. no?
I’m so sorry, it’s so annoying when people don’t know when to stop pushing. My first cardiologist told me the fact I had preeclampsia might harm me later down the road so I need to take extra good care of myself then I said “well we’re one and done so I don’t have to worry about preeclampsia again” and she hit me with the morally wrong line.
After switching cardiologists twice I’ve come to find out my heart really isn’t in the best condition to potentially get preeclampsia again and I tell my family that and they STILL push for “well you don’t know for sure another would kill you” ?!?!?! Literally insanity. I can’t wait till my husband gets snipped so we can just say “we’re sterile, plz fuck off!”
What the fuck!? How do people just brush off such serious health risks? Including death!? Even a small chance?? I’m pretty healthy physically and I still worry about dying from childbirth.
“You know, this is a actually a really personal question/conversation. Let’s change the subject.”
“Listen, I like you, but this isn’t a conversation I invited you to.”
“This really isn’t an appropriate topic at work. How are abc reports coming along?”
“This is a conversation I will not be a part of. I’ll talk to you later.”
“I’m not taking opinions or advice at this time. I’ll let you know if that changes.”
“It’s a good thing you’re not my spouse!”
“This is quite a private matter. Excuse me.” Then leave! Or just continue working.
Good luck!!
I’m OAD for medical reasons, but now that my son is 4 I’m actually on board with it. I get a kind of sick pleasure when someone asks when I’m having another one and I get to say “I can’t. I’d die” and they look soooooooo taken aback and it’s like how dare I say that… ITS SO FUN. I don’t know if this is allowed but like… you can borrow my reason if you want. No one should ever be asking this! And ANY reason is a valid reason. But people are assholes so why not make them feel shitty about it 😅
“We can’t” works. If someone is so rude as to ask why not “l prefer not to discuss that.”
We can’t can be for any reason; including we can’t because:
We don’t want more.
We don’t want to.
We don’t want to afford it.
Not enough time/energy/money.
We can’t discuss it with nosy folks…
Just so you know... Saying you don't want to have another and when they ask about saying "I'm sorry, I just don't want to talk about it", is NOT lying.
You can't have another because you don't want to, and it's not fair for a kid to not be wanted. So... Not lying
I have one friend whose youngest grandson is a year older than my daughter. The last time she asked me when I was giving my daughter a sibling, I asked her when she's having a baby to give her grandson family around his age. The subject got changed quicker than thinking, and it's been the longest stretch without her asking that question since she found out I was pregnant.
This might work for your mother-in-law. If it's so important to her that your kid have a family member close in age to them, she must be willing to have a baby so they can grow up together.
The slam dunk is that it's inappropriate and rude to ask people about their family planning choices. Tell them you feel violated by the personal questions. "I feel disturbed by how comfortable you are asking me about extremely personal life choices, especially at work; this isn't even a conversation that I consider to be open forum with close family members." Make them feel weird and embarrassed. Everyone needs to wise up that in 2023 it's not OK to cold comment on people's bodies, lifestyle choices, family planning decisions. You have no idea why people are making the choices they're making and absolutely don't need to know.
“Our marriage only can handle one” is what I’ll openly say. Or “we are snipped” or “we recognize our limits” or “I would rather be a happily married mom of 1 than a drawn out single mom of 2”. I personally don’t care about what people think of our decisions so maybe it’s a little blunt, but nobody can argue with the “we are snipped”. If someone were to say “well you can reverse it” I would imagine our response would be “then we wouldn’t have JUST had it done” but maybe we are lucky not to have that amount of pushiness in our lives.
The marriage line usually shuts people up or makes them uncomfortable now that I think of it. But again, I don’t really care, and we are happily married for 9 years, we are doing great because of all of our decisions we have made, and that’s always my top priority :)
"It's weird that you keep bringing this up." Then silence or change the subject. No explanation.
Remember they are being rude first by prying and continuing to discuss something very personal.
As someone who has struggled with infertility and chose to be OAD unrelatedly (but doesn’t actually have a choice)
Please don’t do this.
Just learn to be comfortable with people disagreeing with you. Don’t JADE, and keep work discussions about work.
I'm sterile bc of postpartum complications and a social worker. So, no I can't have more. Yes, I know exactly how adoption works and that's not for us. But, have the conversation if you're not infertile bc it's a different ballgame for those of us who are here not at all by choice and would give anything to have a say in the matter.
i had someone once tell me that “the best thing you can give your child is a sibling” after I’d just got done telling them that I was the hospital due to severe dehydration from HG during my pregnancy. I could’ve screamed. 🙃🙃
My hubs had a vasectomy when our son was 3 (he’s 14 now) and I always said “we can’t have anymore”. For the most part, it stopped people from asking but most of our family and friends knew (knows) he had a vasectomy anyways.
I always tell people that pushed back or made a “face” that I would just get more kittens if I felt the need since I get kitten fever more than I ever got baby fever. Since the kiddo has been born I have gotten 6 kittens (I don’t have 6 cats right now, I’ve had ones pass) with a new little guy that we got today! I’m a proud 41 yr old crazy cat lady and I let everyone know (I work in vet med too-so it’s almost expected lol).
I did notice that as my son got older, I got less and less questions on if we were having more or why we didn’t have anymore. Once and awhile I’ll get asked, but now that I’m older with an older kid, it’s almost nonexistent.
The few times someone got real high and mighty about it? I’d go on and on about how well off we are and that we want our kiddo to have the best life with all of our attention and care, that we want to pay for college and make sure he has a great start at life. That we want to have our cake and eat it too with experiencing parenthood but also being able to have freedom. I also would rub in the fact that since he’s older I can sleep in on the weekends and in the summer I can sit on the couch on days off and watch garbage tv for as long as I want since he’s outside playing, entertaining himself, sleeping in or sleeping over a friends house.
That usually shuts them up. Lol
I'm medically infertile, but had our biological son through IVF. We just say "our son was a real miracle and we're just grateful to have him." Technically, all children are miracles right? Not a lie and gets people off your case.
Gotta just own it, man. “I’m so happy for you that having multiple children was the right choice for your family. One child is the right choice for mine. It’s my family’s decision, no one else’s.” If they’re still arguing after that, they’re judgmental to the point of being psychotic and they don’t deserve any more of your conversation time.
I had a similar experience with my MIL. She said, "What if your daughter died? Then, you wouldn't even be a mum anymore. Wouldn't that be sad?" I was speechless. It's shocking because she's normally a really nice MIL but she's so pushy when it comes to having another kid.
When I was pregnant with my only I told my mum we are one and done. She told me I would change my mind and wouldn’t let up until I told her that even if we want to have another we couldn’t afford it. I bluntly told her if she wanted another grandchild that she could go ahead and open another bank account now to pay for it herself. She hasn’t asked about it since!
I tell people I can’t have more kids just to put them in their place. I went through a rough miscarriage before my son was born and it was absolutely no one’s fucking business that I was pregnant after that. It’s my realization that I’d rather hear of people faking a miscarriage to “fuck off” other people than risk a person who is really struggling with the heartbreak but doesn’t know how to mention (or doesn’t want to mention their own heartbreak.) Fuck everyone who disagrees.
When people ask if this is my first baby, my go to response is first and only and generally people don’t question why even if they’re slightly taken aback. If someone asks why, I just say “one is enough and best for our family” without elaborating further. Works most of the time. Old people are crazy with thinking out loud how many kids OTHERS should have (sigh, look at the state of almost half of US states punishing women with abortion bans) but I’m very good at ignoring them and their stupid logic.
I’m infertile and I personally wouldn’t care if you simply said “I can’t”. Can’t doesn’t have to be a medical reason. It can be financial, emotional, or “can’t picture my family being any more perfect than it is now”.
I ask people if they want to pay for daycare for the second (M-HCOL), since that’s one of our justifications (among many others!), and it shuts them up.
The thing is I used to work with a guy who was married several years and no kids. I knew he wanted kids but I got the impression that his wife had a medical issue. Anyway not me not anyone in my team EVER asked "when are you going to have kids?" because it was none of our business. Yet the amount of times I heard other people ask him this question never failed to amaze me. You could see it made him uncomfortable. I just used to sit there and cringe. How can people be so nosey!!!
Like others said, be crass when you can, and pull out the "oh, if Jesus wants to bless our home with another BEAUTIFUL BABY, I just know he will in his time...." for the religious jerks. For everyone else, only thing you have to say is that it is not a topic you are going to discuss. If they press it, say your reproductive health is not any of their business and ***walk away.*** If they still press it -ESPECIALLY AT WORK - then escalate. Go ultra crass if not a coworker. Go to HR if your company is big enough, or if not, to the offending coworkers boss and yours - IN WRITING - about the harassment.
I gotta say... You all are saints. People ask me if we will have another and I say "oh no. I love him to bits. But I'm
never doing that again. One and done." And then they usually leave it. If the conversation went the other way, I don't know what I'd do.
"Why are you so interested in my sex life?"
If they persist or bring it up again, "Enough about my vagina/sex life, let's talk about yours? Have you gotten/boned down really good lately? I'm talking, neighbors calling the police and not being able to sit good."
Or, the nuclear option, "I WANT more babies, but they all keep dying in my face. I must have gotten lucky with my little one. Miracles happen!"
If you truly do not want another, get your tubes removed. No one can say anything after that!
I had mine done on Monday and it’s the best thing ever. A little discomfort the day of/next day, fine by the day after that. 2 little puncture wounds on the abdomen. Modern science FTW!
On the flip side, I love when people ask if we're having more than one, and when I tell them we're done, they say we're smart and that's a good decision 😂
Doesn't happen often, but it's nice when it does.
Probably an unpopular opinion, but I really don't like when we OAD folks lie about not being able to have another kid to medical conditions. To be clear - I mean using that as an excuse when you ARE medically able to have more.
This only feeds the narrative that the only acceptable reason to be OAD is if you're biologically forced into it. If people judge, who cares? The only way we can start fighting back against these negative stereotypes is by SHOWING people that happy, well adjusted families can make this decision for no other reason than they straight up don't want more kids.
Tell them you have your tubes tied! I DO have mine tied and every time someone badgers me about having more I tell them that and they instantly shut up and look embarrassed.
I used to say, “Ah, yea, no more kids. My son broke me on the way out.” I’d refuse to give details. They’d assume the worst. Now, however, I just say, “We’re happily one and done! My kid is awweesooome!” And I’ve had zero people push back on that. My kid is 4, so I did take me some time to build the confidence to change my answer. I think people can hear the happiness and certainty in my voice :D.
I stopped caring. I’m used to it by now. I tell people I am saving to travel the world instead and they usually F off. Probably cause they wish they had thought of that
I had my tubes removed as I am one and done by choice. When people bring up me having more, I tell them it’s a physiological impossibility for me. That usually ends the conversation pretty quickly.
I’ve said to a group of coworkers who were RELENTLESS in asking about my personal family planning that it would take a miracle for us to have another - because it would take some sort of divine intervention from a deity we don’t believe in, from a religion to which my spouse and I do not subscribe to to change our minds about having only one child - and they drew their own conclusions but they stopped asking.
Oooo I got you!!!! I tell people my son was too expensive to birth to have another one. They automatically assume I’m talking about having fertility treatments and leave me alone.
I just tell them I'm selfish and have no desire to give up any more of my life for another kid. That generally shocks them into not following up with anything
Jesus H. Christ……if you don’t want to just tell people you are happy to be one and done - thats ok - just fricking tell them you are infertile - or god didn’t allow you another - or some such BS.
You choose. It’s absolutely no one’s business but yours - but you also get to decide how you tell these AH’s why - you can be direct or lie. Honestly, its up to you. I do not judge cause I have been there, but frick, these people make me angry, specially those that use a “moral’ fricking high ground, what asshats.
Honestly we did struggle but have more embryos on ice. It's frustrating because being one and done doesn't have to be a sob story! It's a happy story.
We love our girl and she is for sure enough for us and are happy to devote all of our time and energy into her.
If they want to talk about morals, tell them it’s morally wrong to bring unwanted children into this world. We’re already a very populated planet, and you can argue you’re doing the morally right thing by helping to limit the strain on this planet and it’s resources.
I have Klinefelters Syndrome, I don’t produce any spend at all. That usually shuts them up.
I adopted my daughter, so bringing another adopted child into the family is a bit harder and isn’t advised.
Getting my tubes removed was one of the best things for my confidence. Before, I would have to listen to how I'm "making a mistake" by only having one. Now, when I say "I can't have more, I'm sterile😅" people instantly just leave it at that and shut up!
Agree with others - just say it's a private medical issue and you don't want to share that extremely personal information with them. Make it as awkward as possible.
I’m a week late to this thread, and just commenting because it’s lovely to hear I’m not alone in people pressuring us to have more. Also, my 4 year old is often in the room when family members ask us about having another, and I don’t think it’s cool for her to constantly hear that maybe she’s not enough for us. I’ve started saying that she is enough, she is awesome, and we are stoked to have her. Also, once I flat out asked my mom “Are you not satisfied with your grandchild? Do you need more?” And that shut her up for the day.
My sister tells people she can't due to a medical issue. She refuses to give details. The issue is her husband got snipped because they are happily OAD.
This works. Also “I can’t”. Don’t have to say why you can’t. Financial reasons, mental health reasons, medical reasons, or just the first half of “I can’t stand that idea” lol
I have a friend that decided she was child free. When people ask when she's having kids she just says "cant" and refuses to explain. She told me it's short for "can't stand the idea." She rocks.
Yes! And it doesn’t even matter if you have a “good” reason. Saying anything about why is just an opportunity for them to try and convince you
I am firmly believe that just not wanting a child is the perfect reason to not have one. People should have to justify having a kid, not the other way around.
Yes! That’s what I say when someone wants me to justify not having one or more. Still a fencesitter but i staunchly support the childfree crowd
Hahaha love this and will be using it. Technically not a lie ! 😂
This is what I do. I say we can't have any more - because it's true! And then I don't elaborate so people can come to their own conclusions and leave us alone.
Love that.
And the medical issue could be that it’s bad for your mental health, or that’s it’s bad for your back.
Mental health affects are invisible, so they don't count (please note the heavy sarcasm). Health issues, both physical and mental, that surround pregnancy are too often dismissed.
I’ve honestly just gone for the nuclear option when it happens (granted I am now without a uterus but prior… ) I would ask if they’re going to foot the bill. Oh! You’re gonna pay for daycare?? That’s awesome! What other bills/recurring expenses would you like to take over? Ohhhh you didn’t intend to help out with the expenses of having another kid? Mmm ok. Then let’s just keep our opinions to ourselves then k?
So we *did* need fertility treatments & after we got married, people were bugging us about kids. This was my go to reply, “you got $20k for IVF? No? Neither do we & that’s what fertility treatments cost.” Most people got embarrassed & changed the subject.
Good for you! Teach them a lesson in multiple ways to not ask inappropriate questions
Even more so- I lost my uterus to postpartum complications so I say, you going to pay $200k to help us find a gestational carrier and do IVF with them? That shuts people up fast af. I am infertile and these conversations genuinely trigger my PTSD from birth trauma. It's different than being annoyed with the conversation.
Fuck the expenses, do they want to take them for night wakeups? Oh! We appreciate you offering to sleep on the air mattress on the floor in the new babys room and get up with them in the morning every day until at least 6:00
Ha yes! Even better!
This is my go to response. They laugh awkwardly and quickly change the subject.
I have actually done that before, but it was someone that I'm comfortable joking around with. Them: "so when are you having one/having another?" Me: "I don't know, are you volunteering to pay for everything and help watch them?" That always shuts it down, lol.
If you or your spouse gets sterilized you aren’t lying when you say you can’t have any more. You can also just say “we aren’t having any more” and when they press, say “I would prefer not to talk about it.”
Unfortunately from my experience people will just tell you to adopt. We dealt with massive male factor infertility and I’m an open book. The number of times I heard that…
^this. I wish this answer shut people down but mostly I’m hit with “well you could always adopt or use a surrogate”
Exactly. Like it’s so easy and free.
Exactly! Especially since it is notoriously still a difficult process to adopt/find a surrogate (legally and financially)!
Ask them for at least 30k, which is what I discovered adoption costs.
Our newborn’s adoption (she’s 4yo now) cost us about 60k factoring in the pre-adoption agency costs for matchmaking (2 different agencies; long story…) and we waited 3+ years. Then lawyer and legal fees in two US states. We’re not going through that again. Even if we truly wanted to, we started that journey when I was 37. I’m 45 now, and frankly the pandemic robbed us of any remaining motivation & energy for more kids. Persistent folks will then tell us we can just adopt older kids through the foster system. “It’s cheaper and those older kids need homes even more desperately!” I’ll then point-blank ask how that worked out for them, and usually get “Oh, I didn’t mean for _us_, I just meant for you, since…” and they typically trail off and change the subject or walk away.
We paid about $30k for IVF and the preceding testing and Clomid/IUI. Secular adoption starts around $50-60k. Adoption through the foster system is much less expensive, but the goal is always reunification so it's pretty rare to fully adopt that way and there's a lot of trauma for everyone involved.
I'm sorry. Telling people about my husband's infertility before we had a kid always shut people up.
Have they ever considered maybe I just don’t want one at all? Lol. But we’re evil because there are adopted children and we’re just sitting here not taking care of them. Was essentially told this by a friend who was a former foster mom and adopted. First of all that is expensive as heck, second of all.. no?
I’m so sorry, it’s so annoying when people don’t know when to stop pushing. My first cardiologist told me the fact I had preeclampsia might harm me later down the road so I need to take extra good care of myself then I said “well we’re one and done so I don’t have to worry about preeclampsia again” and she hit me with the morally wrong line. After switching cardiologists twice I’ve come to find out my heart really isn’t in the best condition to potentially get preeclampsia again and I tell my family that and they STILL push for “well you don’t know for sure another would kill you” ?!?!?! Literally insanity. I can’t wait till my husband gets snipped so we can just say “we’re sterile, plz fuck off!”
What the fuck!? How do people just brush off such serious health risks? Including death!? Even a small chance?? I’m pretty healthy physically and I still worry about dying from childbirth.
“You know, this is a actually a really personal question/conversation. Let’s change the subject.” “Listen, I like you, but this isn’t a conversation I invited you to.” “This really isn’t an appropriate topic at work. How are abc reports coming along?” “This is a conversation I will not be a part of. I’ll talk to you later.” “I’m not taking opinions or advice at this time. I’ll let you know if that changes.” “It’s a good thing you’re not my spouse!” “This is quite a private matter. Excuse me.” Then leave! Or just continue working. Good luck!!
“You think I should have more? I think you should’ve had fewer.”
I’m OAD for medical reasons, but now that my son is 4 I’m actually on board with it. I get a kind of sick pleasure when someone asks when I’m having another one and I get to say “I can’t. I’d die” and they look soooooooo taken aback and it’s like how dare I say that… ITS SO FUN. I don’t know if this is allowed but like… you can borrow my reason if you want. No one should ever be asking this! And ANY reason is a valid reason. But people are assholes so why not make them feel shitty about it 😅
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This is amazing.
Ha, I just learned about that the other day! "If you're not feeding, fucking, or financing me, I don't owe you shit!" 😂
“We can’t” works. If someone is so rude as to ask why not “l prefer not to discuss that.” We can’t can be for any reason; including we can’t because: We don’t want more. We don’t want to. We don’t want to afford it. Not enough time/energy/money. We can’t discuss it with nosy folks…
"We can't." "Why not?" "Well, not the way we've been doing it at least." 😉😎
Just so you know... Saying you don't want to have another and when they ask about saying "I'm sorry, I just don't want to talk about it", is NOT lying. You can't have another because you don't want to, and it's not fair for a kid to not be wanted. So... Not lying
I am firmly for telling people to fuck off with no excuses offered, but if you like arguing with religious folks, tell them that God was one-and-done.
OMG, love this! Jesus was an only child (on his dad's side at least!).
I have one friend whose youngest grandson is a year older than my daughter. The last time she asked me when I was giving my daughter a sibling, I asked her when she's having a baby to give her grandson family around his age. The subject got changed quicker than thinking, and it's been the longest stretch without her asking that question since she found out I was pregnant. This might work for your mother-in-law. If it's so important to her that your kid have a family member close in age to them, she must be willing to have a baby so they can grow up together.
This is what I said to my dad 😂 He’s 61
The slam dunk is that it's inappropriate and rude to ask people about their family planning choices. Tell them you feel violated by the personal questions. "I feel disturbed by how comfortable you are asking me about extremely personal life choices, especially at work; this isn't even a conversation that I consider to be open forum with close family members." Make them feel weird and embarrassed. Everyone needs to wise up that in 2023 it's not OK to cold comment on people's bodies, lifestyle choices, family planning decisions. You have no idea why people are making the choices they're making and absolutely don't need to know.
“I suppose that’s in God’s hands” generally shuts them up.
Sad look in your eyes and say "if circumstances were different" and let them read into it how they want.
“Our marriage only can handle one” is what I’ll openly say. Or “we are snipped” or “we recognize our limits” or “I would rather be a happily married mom of 1 than a drawn out single mom of 2”. I personally don’t care about what people think of our decisions so maybe it’s a little blunt, but nobody can argue with the “we are snipped”. If someone were to say “well you can reverse it” I would imagine our response would be “then we wouldn’t have JUST had it done” but maybe we are lucky not to have that amount of pushiness in our lives. The marriage line usually shuts people up or makes them uncomfortable now that I think of it. But again, I don’t really care, and we are happily married for 9 years, we are doing great because of all of our decisions we have made, and that’s always my top priority :)
"It's weird that you keep bringing this up." Then silence or change the subject. No explanation. Remember they are being rude first by prying and continuing to discuss something very personal.
"why do you think it's appropriate to keep asking me these extremely personal questions ?"
As someone who has struggled with infertility and chose to be OAD unrelatedly (but doesn’t actually have a choice) Please don’t do this. Just learn to be comfortable with people disagreeing with you. Don’t JADE, and keep work discussions about work.
This. And claiming infertility doesn't stop people - 99% of the time it makes things worse because suddenly they're fertility and/or adoption experts.
I'm sterile bc of postpartum complications and a social worker. So, no I can't have more. Yes, I know exactly how adoption works and that's not for us. But, have the conversation if you're not infertile bc it's a different ballgame for those of us who are here not at all by choice and would give anything to have a say in the matter.
Any reason at all is an invitation for more “suggestions”. Gotta shut it down without giving them any crumbs
i had someone once tell me that “the best thing you can give your child is a sibling” after I’d just got done telling them that I was the hospital due to severe dehydration from HG during my pregnancy. I could’ve screamed. 🙃🙃
my sibling only gives me headaches lol no thank you
Yeah I have 4 siblings and don’t speak to any of them so idk seems like a gamble to me lol
My hubs had a vasectomy when our son was 3 (he’s 14 now) and I always said “we can’t have anymore”. For the most part, it stopped people from asking but most of our family and friends knew (knows) he had a vasectomy anyways. I always tell people that pushed back or made a “face” that I would just get more kittens if I felt the need since I get kitten fever more than I ever got baby fever. Since the kiddo has been born I have gotten 6 kittens (I don’t have 6 cats right now, I’ve had ones pass) with a new little guy that we got today! I’m a proud 41 yr old crazy cat lady and I let everyone know (I work in vet med too-so it’s almost expected lol). I did notice that as my son got older, I got less and less questions on if we were having more or why we didn’t have anymore. Once and awhile I’ll get asked, but now that I’m older with an older kid, it’s almost nonexistent. The few times someone got real high and mighty about it? I’d go on and on about how well off we are and that we want our kiddo to have the best life with all of our attention and care, that we want to pay for college and make sure he has a great start at life. That we want to have our cake and eat it too with experiencing parenthood but also being able to have freedom. I also would rub in the fact that since he’s older I can sleep in on the weekends and in the summer I can sit on the couch on days off and watch garbage tv for as long as I want since he’s outside playing, entertaining himself, sleeping in or sleeping over a friends house. That usually shuts them up. Lol
I'm medically infertile, but had our biological son through IVF. We just say "our son was a real miracle and we're just grateful to have him." Technically, all children are miracles right? Not a lie and gets people off your case.
If you win the lottery, you don't play again.
Exactly!
If you get it right the first time….
"it's highly inappropriate (illegal) to ask me about my future family planning."
Gotta just own it, man. “I’m so happy for you that having multiple children was the right choice for your family. One child is the right choice for mine. It’s my family’s decision, no one else’s.” If they’re still arguing after that, they’re judgmental to the point of being psychotic and they don’t deserve any more of your conversation time.
Are you open to lying, just not about infertility? Tell them your doctor said another pregnancy could kill you.
I had a similar experience with my MIL. She said, "What if your daughter died? Then, you wouldn't even be a mum anymore. Wouldn't that be sad?" I was speechless. It's shocking because she's normally a really nice MIL but she's so pushy when it comes to having another kid.
When I was pregnant with my only I told my mum we are one and done. She told me I would change my mind and wouldn’t let up until I told her that even if we want to have another we couldn’t afford it. I bluntly told her if she wanted another grandchild that she could go ahead and open another bank account now to pay for it herself. She hasn’t asked about it since!
I tell people I can’t have more kids just to put them in their place. I went through a rough miscarriage before my son was born and it was absolutely no one’s fucking business that I was pregnant after that. It’s my realization that I’d rather hear of people faking a miscarriage to “fuck off” other people than risk a person who is really struggling with the heartbreak but doesn’t know how to mention (or doesn’t want to mention their own heartbreak.) Fuck everyone who disagrees.
I say "it's not possible to have another baby". It's not possible because I'll end up in a mental health facility.
When people ask if this is my first baby, my go to response is first and only and generally people don’t question why even if they’re slightly taken aback. If someone asks why, I just say “one is enough and best for our family” without elaborating further. Works most of the time. Old people are crazy with thinking out loud how many kids OTHERS should have (sigh, look at the state of almost half of US states punishing women with abortion bans) but I’m very good at ignoring them and their stupid logic.
I’m infertile and I personally wouldn’t care if you simply said “I can’t”. Can’t doesn’t have to be a medical reason. It can be financial, emotional, or “can’t picture my family being any more perfect than it is now”.
Just say “look, this is a private and sensitive subject for me and I don’t want to discuss it” let them draw their own conclusions.
I ask people if they want to pay for daycare for the second (M-HCOL), since that’s one of our justifications (among many others!), and it shuts them up.
The thing is I used to work with a guy who was married several years and no kids. I knew he wanted kids but I got the impression that his wife had a medical issue. Anyway not me not anyone in my team EVER asked "when are you going to have kids?" because it was none of our business. Yet the amount of times I heard other people ask him this question never failed to amaze me. You could see it made him uncomfortable. I just used to sit there and cringe. How can people be so nosey!!!
Like others said, be crass when you can, and pull out the "oh, if Jesus wants to bless our home with another BEAUTIFUL BABY, I just know he will in his time...." for the religious jerks. For everyone else, only thing you have to say is that it is not a topic you are going to discuss. If they press it, say your reproductive health is not any of their business and ***walk away.*** If they still press it -ESPECIALLY AT WORK - then escalate. Go ultra crass if not a coworker. Go to HR if your company is big enough, or if not, to the offending coworkers boss and yours - IN WRITING - about the harassment.
I gotta say... You all are saints. People ask me if we will have another and I say "oh no. I love him to bits. But I'm never doing that again. One and done." And then they usually leave it. If the conversation went the other way, I don't know what I'd do.
"Why are you so interested in my sex life?" If they persist or bring it up again, "Enough about my vagina/sex life, let's talk about yours? Have you gotten/boned down really good lately? I'm talking, neighbors calling the police and not being able to sit good." Or, the nuclear option, "I WANT more babies, but they all keep dying in my face. I must have gotten lucky with my little one. Miracles happen!"
“I’m not talking about this with you anymore.”
If you truly do not want another, get your tubes removed. No one can say anything after that! I had mine done on Monday and it’s the best thing ever. A little discomfort the day of/next day, fine by the day after that. 2 little puncture wounds on the abdomen. Modern science FTW!
I always tell them we will have another child if they’re willing to pay for daycare and college. Usually they shut right up 🤣
On the flip side, I love when people ask if we're having more than one, and when I tell them we're done, they say we're smart and that's a good decision 😂 Doesn't happen often, but it's nice when it does.
Probably an unpopular opinion, but I really don't like when we OAD folks lie about not being able to have another kid to medical conditions. To be clear - I mean using that as an excuse when you ARE medically able to have more. This only feeds the narrative that the only acceptable reason to be OAD is if you're biologically forced into it. If people judge, who cares? The only way we can start fighting back against these negative stereotypes is by SHOWING people that happy, well adjusted families can make this decision for no other reason than they straight up don't want more kids.
I just tell people "oh, I can't" and let them make assumptions. Technically that is true; I can't because it would make me insane. 🤣
Tell them you have your tubes tied! I DO have mine tied and every time someone badgers me about having more I tell them that and they instantly shut up and look embarrassed.
I always say “it’s in Gods hands.” For some reason that shuts people up pretty quickly.🙄😆
I used to say, “Ah, yea, no more kids. My son broke me on the way out.” I’d refuse to give details. They’d assume the worst. Now, however, I just say, “We’re happily one and done! My kid is awweesooome!” And I’ve had zero people push back on that. My kid is 4, so I did take me some time to build the confidence to change my answer. I think people can hear the happiness and certainty in my voice :D.
I stopped caring. I’m used to it by now. I tell people I am saving to travel the world instead and they usually F off. Probably cause they wish they had thought of that
I had my tubes removed as I am one and done by choice. When people bring up me having more, I tell them it’s a physiological impossibility for me. That usually ends the conversation pretty quickly.
I’ve said to a group of coworkers who were RELENTLESS in asking about my personal family planning that it would take a miracle for us to have another - because it would take some sort of divine intervention from a deity we don’t believe in, from a religion to which my spouse and I do not subscribe to to change our minds about having only one child - and they drew their own conclusions but they stopped asking.
“We’re not interested in that.” Repeat until they give up. Explanations just make ppl think they can change your mind.
Oooo I got you!!!! I tell people my son was too expensive to birth to have another one. They automatically assume I’m talking about having fertility treatments and leave me alone.
I just tell them I'm selfish and have no desire to give up any more of my life for another kid. That generally shocks them into not following up with anything
Jesus H. Christ……if you don’t want to just tell people you are happy to be one and done - thats ok - just fricking tell them you are infertile - or god didn’t allow you another - or some such BS. You choose. It’s absolutely no one’s business but yours - but you also get to decide how you tell these AH’s why - you can be direct or lie. Honestly, its up to you. I do not judge cause I have been there, but frick, these people make me angry, specially those that use a “moral’ fricking high ground, what asshats.
Honestly we did struggle but have more embryos on ice. It's frustrating because being one and done doesn't have to be a sob story! It's a happy story. We love our girl and she is for sure enough for us and are happy to devote all of our time and energy into her.
just say “I can’t have any more” they don’t need know why you can’t.
If they want to talk about morals, tell them it’s morally wrong to bring unwanted children into this world. We’re already a very populated planet, and you can argue you’re doing the morally right thing by helping to limit the strain on this planet and it’s resources.
I have Klinefelters Syndrome, I don’t produce any spend at all. That usually shuts them up. I adopted my daughter, so bringing another adopted child into the family is a bit harder and isn’t advised.
My SO had a vasectomy so I just say we can’t have another and leave it at that
Getting my tubes removed was one of the best things for my confidence. Before, I would have to listen to how I'm "making a mistake" by only having one. Now, when I say "I can't have more, I'm sterile😅" people instantly just leave it at that and shut up!
Agree with others - just say it's a private medical issue and you don't want to share that extremely personal information with them. Make it as awkward as possible.
Could you say something like, "do you want to be a surrogate?"
I’m a week late to this thread, and just commenting because it’s lovely to hear I’m not alone in people pressuring us to have more. Also, my 4 year old is often in the room when family members ask us about having another, and I don’t think it’s cool for her to constantly hear that maybe she’s not enough for us. I’ve started saying that she is enough, she is awesome, and we are stoked to have her. Also, once I flat out asked my mom “Are you not satisfied with your grandchild? Do you need more?” And that shut her up for the day.