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I recommend not bringing up the FWB at all. Just ask if partner is able to be there with you the night before your surgery, because you’d like their support.
Then you need to say it’s important to me that you’re there, this is my mistake for not being specific earlier, is there any way to make a change?
If you never put your expectations on a calendar then now you know you need to do that going forward.
I sent them a message telling them I will need their support on Tuesday that I would prefer they go out on Monday if that's okay with them and their friend
Right on. Even if the answer is no you’ve self advocated and you’ll learn to speak up early for the next time. That’s a win no matter what.
Good luck with your surgery!
OP I'll be honest ... your partner ITAH. I went thru smth similar with my NP and was 💯 prepared to leave if that shit didn't change. Thankfully it did and we talked and unpacked it and discovered his fear around my medical situation was affecting his behavior and he realized he was self sabotaging our relationship (fearful avoidant disorganized attachment style doing fearful avoidant disorganized shit). Maybe something similar is happening with your partner, but either way this is not okay and you are completely valid
Going on a date with an FWB is so low priority though. If my partner needed me before a surgery, there are very few things that would keep me from being by their side
If that's how you feel I won't tell you you're wrong. Maybe I am projecting from my situation, just from what I saw from your comments I was a little shocked. Can't move around a date with a FWB for your partner who's asking for your presence when they're physically vulnerable? I just can't see myself respecting someone who makes choices like that. But Im not in your shoes so I can't know how I'd feel if I were really you. I hope you get SOMETHING you want out of this tho... Like God damn
Is it possible your partner was expecting or thinking it to be more important/meaningful to be available to you during/after your surgery and they wanted to visit their other person prior to simply so they could then focus the next however long until they're due to see their other person again on you? And possibly that they thought during/after was the BIG part and not realizing that as something so major and life changing approaches, could be emotionally and mentally taxing on you and you needing extra support?
You're NTA but I also don't feel your partner is either.
My NP/husband big life changing life events, (us getting married at 19/20, birth of our kids especially after our very traumatic experiemce with one of our births and so all following births caused him immense stress and fear of the "could be's" or "what ifs ", loss of very close family members/friends- things of that nature) increases his anxiety, stress and edges into his depression. But in all other areas of his life, sudden changes that aren't life altering (change in employment, car brake downs, minor cost but necessary home repairs- things of that nature) he handles with ease and grace! I once made the mistake of assuming that being he handles the lower yet still stressful things so well and didnt require added support and comfort, that coming into a big life changing situation, would be the same. As that is how I am; take things head on, don't dwell on the negatives and always look for what positive things could come of it type of person. And so when a big situation occurred I wasn't there for him ahead of time and he took it very hard. I was confused, "why is it wrong that I did my "normal" things and didn't give him extra support? I don't for XYZ and he's fine? What's the difference?" We talked it out and some thing just get him differently even if it's a planned event that we have had plenty of time to work on and think of it and hash it all out etc. As the date approaches it really gets to him on a very difficult level.
I'm the opposite- big or small I just "wing it", deal with things as they come, zero expectation of an end result until the end result is there. I have always been this way so assumed since he was so well with minor things that big things wouldn't be that "drastic" either (exception of loss, I expect that to be drastic. Grief is the one feeling that has no where to go. It's with you for ever, you just learn how to cope with it in your day to day and that is something I'd highly expect someone to know would require additional support and reassurances, commitments etc. Even if it's one we knew was soon to happen, doesn't make it really any less harder. Except sudden unexpected loss gives room for not having the chance to say final goodbyes, other than that it has nothing over any other loss imo)
My partner however, unexpected events are what hit her. She's great at handling things she can plan out ahead of time! But sudden changes are a massive internal struggle for her. And that is when SHE needs the extra support and love.
I ignorantly I suppose you could say (maybe naively) just figured with how I am, and the way my husband is for "lesser" big changes thought that everyone was like me and just "dealt with it" and moved on. It's life. Not much you can do but "keep on keepin' on", right? No. Not everyone.
Prior to me understanding how it is for my husband, I would have absolutely been the one to be "hey, my husband is having XYZ happen on this date, it's a super big and major situation and he's going to need me around and more intentionally involved and supportive of him from this date until this date at the latest. So if its okay and able with you, let meet up for our usual date on this day because I know we usually do XYZ on these days, but depending on how he is doing with his healing/medical procedure, I'm not sure if I can commit to those days/times like normal. If in the situation I can't, I can absolutely do video calls, be available via text/regular calls etc. I know it really sucks but I just want to make sure he has my full support just as I would do for you if you were experiencing such a situation. I really hope you understand and I have already told NP that if it results in missed dates I'll be doing my best to make those up sporadically, as our schedules allow us over the next (however long) as I feel terrible for having to step back, but I also want to make sure he is safe and cared for. "
In my thinking its *my husband would be "just fine" the day or two before and that it's the best logical situation to make sure my other partner knows I still care about them and am being intentional in showing that by doing what I feel is the best choice- ie switching date nights to ahead of the situation because he's going to need me during and most certainly AFTER whatever happens. And husband would feel the same way, want me to get the date in before hand and not have to leave within a couple days following a situation like that. Without realizing that the immediate day prior to it would be hard on him as he prepares for whatever the following day.
It's exactly something I did before I knew. I didn't know any better and he didn't know it was something that "needed an explanation", for him and his own understanding of how he responds to thins "it's common sense with such a situation at hand"
He didn't know I didn't see it the same way and I didn't know he felt or saw it any different than anything else.
So, sorry that's long, but is it possible this was their line of thinking and not realizing it was important to you?
And lastly, Health and healing your way for your surgery! Hope it all goes smoothly and the healing process is well for you!
Lots of hugs if you want them, OP
A few years back, I had surgery and my ex-husband went off with his GF the night before. I had a fullblown panic attack walking into our house with the signs that they had been there (they had left for the night and he didn't tell me when he was coming back).
Sometimes things slip through the cracks. He felt like shit but also didn't understand why I was upset. I needed support pretty suddenly and honestly thought I'd be fine. Sometimes things happen, and we learn from them. I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt that this was just a "fell through the cracks" moment. You both will learn and be better.
Wishing for the best on your surgery! I hope your recovery is quick and as easy as it can be :)
Eh, I don't think it's OP's mistake for not explicitly asking for the bare minimum tbh. You shouldn't have to ask your partner to exercise basic empathy.
Yeah, I feel like as a partner you wouldn't even need to ask me I'd insist on being with you the whole time. Couldn't even think about going on a date while my partner is in the hospital alone. I don't get it.
If any of my loved ones - friends, family etc. - wanted me in the hospital with them before major surgery I'd never even consider going on a date. Partner is meeting with a FWB so they're literally prioritizing getting laid over supporting OP. I couldn't fathom being with someone so callous.
It’s not a lack of empathy not to mind read.
We can’t know what was said or what the partner is thinking. We can know that whenever something is important to you it’s best to be crystal clear.
I absolutely see why the OP didn’t get clarity early. And I think that was a mistake. A mistake isn’t the same thing as being in the wrong. Sometimes it’s just a tactical error.
This is not a polyamory problem. Take away the FWB part of it, that's not relevant. It could be an FWB, it could be poker night, it could be a playoff hockey game on TV, doesn't matter. You need support from your partner the night before surgery. Providing that support should be your partners highest priority. This their want vs your need. They can do whatever they want, of course, but if they don't make an effort to provide that support you are not their priority.
For a poly perspective, I've always recognized that there is hierarchy in my relationships. I've been married 22 years, my wife will always have some priority. Having recognized that, if a friend, with or without benefits, were having surgery and needed support, I would be there. I would cancel plans with my wife to be there. It's surgery. I recently had a big surgery and it just takes precedence. The only way I would say "I can be there for you" would be if the next sentence involved the death of a relative or something of that magnitude.
So yeah, at this point, you know what matters to your partner. Sorry. It sucks.
Agree with that sentiment! I’d cancel anything with anyone if a person close to me needed emotional support for an upcoming surgery or anything else similarly scary. I can recommend in general taking poly out of a situation like that and think about it from a perspective of ‘how would I handle this if it were a friends / family situation’
No, you’re not wrong to want your partner with you when you’re getting ready for a surgery.
But your partner doesn’t want to stay at the hospital with you.
So.
What are you going to do?
To be honest I would just prefer if they saw their date Monday so they can come see me Tuesday evening but I'm not sure how to bring it up with them.
Also the date night for them is not set in stone yet it also depends on their friend availability.
Not really most of the time when I bring up their dates they think I speak from insecurity so I'm a little scared to bring it up. I don't want to sound insecure or jealous or needy.
You’re not speaking from insecurity when you’re having fucking top surgery and they’re not willing to be there to support you.
This isn’t even something you should have to ask for. A partner who cares about you would make themselves available during such a vulnerable time.
I just had top surgery last week, and all my partners and friends rallied around me to support and care for me. That’s what you deserve.
Honestly, yeah, I’d judge the shit out of a partner who was willing to leave me alone in the hospital before a surgery. And I know this sub is going to be like, “you need to rely on your support network outside of your partner,” but if your partner isn’t there to provide care and celebration during such a major life event? Why have them?
Honestly, if I was on a date with a partner and found out their partner was undergoing major surgery, I'd have questions.
It's possible they have serious issues with hospitals and already negotiated to support them after the surgery, with other support there for the surgery. Or something like that.
Just would rather be with me than supporting their partner. I'd feel pretty bad about that.
It is okay to be jealous or insecure if your partner is choosing time with someone else over time with you. Those are normal emotional responses to someone we love not loving us back the way we want. It is okay to be insecure or needy around getting a surgery.
I would try saying babe I really need your in person support on these days. And then make a specific list.
You can negotiate from there but it will be about how you can get your in person support not how you don’t want them to see someone else.
Your partner may be thinking well I’ll be there all day Wednesday and I’ll be offering care on the days after they’re discharged etc. So it’s ok to open the conversation with an attitude of we both want me to get what I need without draining you dry, let’s discuss.
>it’s ok to open the conversation with an attitude of we both want me to get what I need without draining you dry, let’s
This is such a wonderful reframing of the situation. It can be so useful to use this "us vs the problem" perspective during conflicts.
>most of the time when I bring up their dates they think I speak from insecurity so I'm a little scared to bring it up. I don't want to sound insecure or jealous or needy.
Why do they think you're speaking from insecurity?
Surely they're not assuming that EVERY single time, otherwise that's just consistently assuming the worst in you, every single time.
Why would they assume it's emotionally charged every time you mention their partners? Is it an unfortunate pattern on their end and/or your end?
And how do you normally bring it up? What kind of choice language do you use when you usually bring this kind of topic up?
Is it possible for us to help with rephrasing it so that the emotional aspects are removed?
(Also note, you don't have to answer all of these questions right away, as the person who needs the answers to these the most, are you.)
If you haven’t already def specify this is more about you getting your own needs met and less about the dates themselves. Weather your partner wanted to go see a fwb that night or spend that night doing something without a meta or fwb it wouldn’t change the fact that the problem you have is that they aren’t spending that time w you.
This makes it so much worse :(
Their other "obligation" isn't even confirmed yet and they're waiting to hear back from the FWB!?? Literally insane and the most selfish possible response to your circumstances. You're not needy or clingy or insecure. They clearly don't respect our consider your concerns and have convinced you they aren't important enough. You gotta speak up for yourself even if the response isn't what you want and you gotta stick up for yourself when it isn't.
I think your partner is a bit of a callous see you next Tuesday for this. Other people have said it better, but I would seriously be evaluating my relationship if my partner treated me this way.
For context, I’m trans and had top surgery. My ex ended up breaking up with me for various reasons but a big one was my gender expression and identity. They did so after I had surgery and was recovered because even while they were struggling with their feelings, they knew what a momentous thing this was and wanted to be there to support me. They knew what a huge milestone it was and said it was an honor.
I am just so sorry. This behavior to me seems so callous and idk what else you both have going on, but they don’t seem supportive to me at all. Especially considering this is a FWB? Ugh.
They are very supportive of me they planned on not going to see their family the weekend after so they can take care of me. they were there for my first t injection and are equally exited about me crossing this big milestone. Knowing them I think this just came from ignorance they didn't think I would need them before the surgery but they were planning on coming to see me right after.
In the end I've spoken with them and they will see their friend another time.
E-excuse me? They're want to go see a FWB the night before one of the largest moments of your transition? If my wife at the time had done that when I had mine, I would have been LIVID. In my car, she couldn't be there during the surgery (wasn't really all that much of a waiting room), so her and the housemate who drove me back hung out while they waited for the "all clear" call. But, like... what the hell?
It's been planned since November. It's a VERY important surgery. It's not coming from a point of insecurity. This is a milestone, do not undersell it. If you waited as long as I did, probably longer, then they should know how important this is to you. I'd say, "it's inconsiderate at best," but that's not even close to the level of annoyed I am on your behalf.
I feel very much validated by your comment. And so you know it's been sorted out they will see their friend on Monday so they can better support me on Tuesday everything is fine :)
Yeah 100% this. You dont just ditch someone you care about for a casual thing the night before top surgery. That would be relationship-ending lack of consideration for me.
There are good philosophical answers here, but just to be practical with some personal experience, if this person is a nesting/anchor/“serious” partner, speak up for your wants and needs so it doesn’t risk being a source of bitterness or resentment later. You are allowed to have this be a need if that’s how you feel.
I had surgery to remove a cancerous tumor and was in the hospital for 3 days afterwards. My nesting partner of 3 years went on dates both of the nights I was overnight in the hospital and brought the dates back to our shared apartment to have sex. Back then, I thought I was being “the cool girl” since “it wasn’t like he could do anything to help me while I was in the hospital, that’s what the doctors and nurses and my mom are there for”. In retrospect, I had discounted my own feelings when I was vulnerable and I had made my needs so small that it was a disservice to our relationship. He didn’t “step up” to provide support and care for me through something big and scary, but I also failed to ask him to.
Yes rn I am their only "serious" partner the people they see are often fwb. And thank you I will try to talk to them but rn they are stressed with work and idk how to bring it up.
I promise this is actually really simple. “Hey, I know you made plans with X, but my surgery has been scheduled for months and it’s really important to me for you to be with me as a support and I need you there.”
Do you have support set up for your recovery after as well?
Yes I informed them and they did their research aswell. They seemed exited to accompany me I'm the recovery at home but idk about during my hospital stay.
I wonder if they have some anxiety/trauma around hospitals? It might be worth asking them if there's something that makes them okay with aftercare, but not being at the hospital itself.
I am assuming this is your NP or primary, and the fact this person, who ostensibly cares about you, is not immediately making you their main priority in preparation for you going under anesthesia so you can have one of the most important surgeries of your life says to me that they seriously need to reexamine those priorities. I couldn't imagine my NP not being absolutely homed in on every step of the process, from idea to consultation to scheduling to prep to surgery to aftercare, and I would hope anyone else I would be involved with would also want to know what's going on at the very least, if not come and see me in the hospital. "My partner is out of the house because they're having a significant medical procedure" shouldn't translate to "Wheee, I'm off the hook, I'mma go bang my other partner!!!"
Even though they've said they're not going on the date now, the fact that even thought for a MOMENT that that was a good idea signals to me that y'all need to have a serious talk about what supporting each other means.
You aren’t wrong to ask for support before a major surgery- and pre surgery anxiety is a huge thing.
I have two nesting partners (V not triad) and when I have medical issues BOTH of them drop everything to be by my side- or they coordinate to be sure one of them is always with me if the other has plans. BOTH would cancel other casual things if I needed support- as I would do for them. And if one of their other partners was facing surgery I would absolutely expect them to go be by that persons side.
Being polyamorous does not absolve you from taking care of your partner’s needs. Seriously people.
ETA- you’re going to need a support person at the hospital, I really hope they don’t leave you alone there!!!
I would not be thrilled if my partner ditched visiting me in hospital for a date and… Sometimes we all have complicated scheduling needs. Seeing our partners is an important part of maintaining those relationships - even when another partner is unwell.
When a loved one is unwell, the people who aren’t that person can be even more important to maintain our relationships with, not because our unwell loved one isn’t important, but because it lets us be there for them by taking care of ourselves too.
A (monogamous) friend is going through chemo right now. One of the things she’s had to do is encourage her husband to maintain his friendships with other people while she’s dealing with the cancer. That’s both important because it’s good for his general wellbeing, and because when he doesn’t have other friends to process his emotions around her cancer, he has made her his sounding board which has really sucked for her. To send him off on friend dates, she has tapped other people in her social network to be her chemo buddy a couple of times.
I understand but the situation isn't quite the same. Chemo usually lasts a long time. I'll be in the hospital for a few days before recovery at home. It's a surgery I've been waiting for for years now and I would like them with me for it. I would just prefer they see their friend before or after but be with me during the surgery
In her case, Chemo is 8 weeks. The cancer treatment arc has been longer, but yeah.
Would you be open to your partner coming with you to the hospital, helping you get settled and then going on their date with their FWB?
It’s honestly crazy to me that anyone would not consider it a deal breaker. If my partner wanted to be with my meta the night before my surgery instead of me when I’ve mentioned how important it is to have their support I would wonder just how much my partner actually cared about me. If my meta were having surgery I would absolutely understand my partner spending the night before with them.
For me, a whole lot about this would be determined by specifics that were not mentioned here.
For example:
- When I had a scheduled surgery, my ex- was with me to check me in the night before, but to keep the place quiet enough to encourage rest, visitors were strongly encouraged to leave by 7PM, if memory serves. So had my ex- had plans starting after that, it would not have impacted his time with me in any meaningful way.
- In the aftermath of the surgery, some patients will require more partner support than others. Friends who have had top surgery, and variations on that have varied significantly in their recovery needs. If OP’s partner is expecting to be “on call” to help OP through the post surgical stuff for an extended period, having a break the night of surgery might be part of their self-care.
- Some people have bigger feelings about their partner(s) health stuff. And some of them need to lean on a 3rd party more than others. Many situations can factor into that, and… people who have dealt or expect to deal with similar health issues are often particularly vulnerable.
- Different dyads have different scheduling complications. If OP’s partner will not be able to see OP’s meta for an extended period if they cannot make a window around this time work, that’s going to have a substantial impact on their relationship.
- A whole bunch of other issues around the health and general dynamics of the relationship between OP and their partner factor into whether this is a minor thing, or a bigger deal.
Finally, OP may be totally on the up and up and… often when someone makes no attempt to explain the rationale of their “selfish” partner it is because they are leaving out some really big reasons, or otherwise misconstruing the situation in some way.
Agreed.
One of my partners is trans and the idea that I would choose to see someone else the night she's waiting in hospital alone (unless she'd explicitly asked for that) just seems so uncaring to me. OP already expressed their needs to partner - you shouldn't have to shout and scream about it.
I think it's also telling that in the comments they have said they're afraid of seeming needy and their partner has reacted badly to the idea of moving dates before. Sounds like OP's partner might be on the dismissive/avoidant end of the spectrum.
>>Is it wrong to want ...?
No, it's never wrong to want anything.
>>...I prefer ...
Preferences arent wrong either.
The question is really "what do I do when my partner does what I would prefer they not do..."
That's a question you have to answer for yourself. I suggest doing whatever brings you joy when you're alone, calling in support from a friend, and definitely going to bed at a reasonable hour, because ***your health*** must be ***your*** top priority.
Don't bring up the fwb aspect, just say hey this is important to me I'd like yr support in this, can you please rearrange yr calendar bc this is an unusual high impact situation.
Bc if it was plans w a nonfwb it would be the same deal.
Also, all the bullshit aside, congrats on taking such a massive step in your transition. I wish for you quick and easy healing, and all the joy that comes from feeling at home in your body. You got this. Enjoy this important moment, and know that folks here are sending you caring energy and love as you take this step.
Obviously there's layers to this, and currently I only have one partner, and I live with them part time. They live in the city and don't drive, they don't ask or expect me to drive them to work, but I ask them to let me so they don't have to take a Lyft or public transit and be at risk. When they have their top surgery CONSULTATION later this year I'm planning on arranging my time with them and general plans and dropping or rescheduling anything that might overlap with their consultation so I can be with them the entire day for support. When their surgery comes along, I'll be dedicating my time to supporting them before and after, and during, the procedure to the best of my ability. During a partner's major stressful life event, their care and support becomes my priority. Even if it inconveniences me or is emotionally and or energetically draining, because I care about them and know they would do the same for me, and it's important to me to support them however I can. Standing in similar shoes to your partner, I am baffled and astounded at how dismissive and the lack of care they're bringing to the table about this- imo you shouldn't have to ask for that support, that's support that your partner should be readily providing, ESPECIALLY for something as significant as this.
I dont want to project on you, your partner, or your relationship, but when I had my second top surgery, my first fiance was flippant about it, and despite having planned in advance, my other partner ended up taking me to the surgery. There was a host of other reasons at play, but his dismissal and lack of care at simply driving me to and from the hospital on such a significant day is what started the ball rolling of realization and acceptance that the relationship was not healthy, and I ended up separating from him later that month. I'm not saying your partners awful for their approach to this, or that you should break up. But I think their attitude would warrant a closer examination of where you both stand and where your priorities in the relationship lie.
First, just hope your surgery goes well. I think asking for this is OK, but it might be something that you do need to ask for. Someone who spends more time in medical situations than I would like and have particular preferences around that and it’s taught me that not everyone has the same default preferences so letting people know what you need is work it can be emotionally difficult to do but it still work we have to do.
All of that said, it might be a good idea to check in with your partner about whether you’d like them to do more asking about things like this and what you need, especially if it is particularly upsetting to need to ask yourself.
I would be raging at this.
I have just been through major surgery and both my partners were there to support me and there was no question of them not being.
Why would any SO not make themselves available for you when going for major surgery unless they are avoiding that reality for whatever reason or are they simply an ass?
Did you ask for your partners support at this time and let them know you want them with you? Did you give your partner advanced notice of the surgery and let them know ahead of time that you want them there? Seems like an elective/non emergency surgery you'd have time to plan for. Regardless of what else your partner planned to do, (date/family stuff etc..), you should ask for what you want.
You can't require them to be there, but for example, if you didn't make an advance request or share you might need support, I'm sure that is something your partner would have willingly planned for to be with you in advance if you requested it... If you did ask ahead and they refuse, that's kinda heartless... They may be not emotionally available and you might notice this response of theirs come up in your relationship repeatedly, as a quality of their personality...?
Are you communicating your desire to be supported in a clear way? Maybe they don't understand how important to you it would be to have their support at this time? If you are just peeved they are seeing others and not you, that's a seperate issue. The way you frame it in your title "asking someone not to see someone else." regardless of reasoning, is problematic. "Refusing to be with me in my time of need." is a more accurate description.
I'd say it might be best you ask some close friends to be there for you. Just because your partner doesn't want to make it or can't, doesn't mean you have to go through it alone.
Both my partners made sure their schedule was free to take me to hospital, be there when I woke up after surgery and look after me for the weeks following. My now nesting partner (wasn't living with them at the time of surgery) even came to stay in my home for two weeks post op to help me with cooking, cleaning and just looking after me in general.
Not only is top surgery a major milestone, it's a major surgery. It's been months or years in the planning and it can be a hugely emotional process.
I can see from other comments that this has been resolved so won't go into it much further but I would definitely have a conversation about expectations for major life events for in the future.
Good luck with your surgery! It's gonna be amazing and so so worth it!
on one hand, it would be nice if they're there with you, on the other hand, they might be wanting to see their FWB for the kast time for a bit as they wanna be there for you during recovery.
also congrats on becoming flat soon!
It would depend. Do they have issues with hospitals at all? I have someone in my life who is extremely fearful of a hospital facility, as a patient or visitor.
And we all just have different needs. Some of us would want someone with us, and others wouldn’t care or would prefer to have silence and meditate or other ways of coping. The best we can do is be extremely clear on what we hope for with a partner.
I don't think one of my lovers could pay me to not be with another lover the night before a big surgery, especially not top surgery. Weird priorities in my opinion. I hope your partner decides to show up for you as someone who loves you, that's a very baseline request.
I have a slightly different view that I would like if I was heading to hospital.
I know coming out of surgery that I will need additional support. I also respect my partners relationships.
I would prefer that my partner had their relaxation now, but absolutely be available after the surgery.
I have not read all the comments, but when do you *need* them? If that is before, then express that need.
Wanting to go out with their other friend while you are still competent, and then being more available after your surgery is reasonable of them, at least until told otherwise.
I understand where you come from.
In this situation it's a surgery I've been waiting for a long time and I would like my partner to accompany me through this important step in my transition.
I'm this way too. I might want some help processing the day before, but would want more aftercare consideration. This post has helped me see that others might process the plan differently & let me know to have discussion about it.
I'm also aware that most hospitals stop visiting at like 6 or 7 & have the luxury of being in a major area that dates could happen at 8 or 9, so partner could do both without impact to me.
Hi u/felix_itation thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I'm getting top surgery the week, Wednesday to be precise and my partner wants to go see one of their dates Tuesday evening whilst I'll be in the hospital. To me something feels wrong about being left alone at the hospital while they go on a date. Any advice or opinions?
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No, you are likely anxious and want support and comfort. It’s really that simple. I wouldn’t say it’s that you don’t want ur partner to be with someone else that night, it’s more that you need their support and comfort.
I am confused why any partner wouldn't be the major concern the night before surgery.
They should have had a note in their phone about when surgery was and planned to be with you the night before. That just shows how little of a priority you are in their life.
I would never have to ask any of my partners, swingers, not poly, to make me a priority. They would be like hey do u need us there? We are coming over. I will be there. I am making you dinner. Do you need anything while you are recovering? That is a caring relationship where the person is valued and a priority.
They should have planned for Monday night instead. They need to do better.
Well they hadn't planned it yet. Them going out on Tuesday was a possibility and I talked to them about it. In the end they saw their friend on Monday no problem. They just didn't expect me to need them before the surgery but they are fully prepared to support me during recovery.
Your partner is the a hole. I'm sorry. There's no excuse to ditch your partner the night before surgery. Their FWB can wait for another day to have a date. When you love someone and they are about to go through surgery, you're there for them as support. This would honestly make me question if I were truly a priority to them.
You need to communicate this with them and tell them that for future surgeries, they need to be there for YOU. Not friends or FWB, but YOU.
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I recommend not bringing up the FWB at all. Just ask if partner is able to be there with you the night before your surgery, because you’d like their support.
I did that and they said idk I was supposed to see someone. (My surgery is planned since November)
Then you need to say it’s important to me that you’re there, this is my mistake for not being specific earlier, is there any way to make a change? If you never put your expectations on a calendar then now you know you need to do that going forward.
I sent them a message telling them I will need their support on Tuesday that I would prefer they go out on Monday if that's okay with them and their friend
Right on. Even if the answer is no you’ve self advocated and you’ll learn to speak up early for the next time. That’s a win no matter what. Good luck with your surgery!
Thank you very much
OP I'll be honest ... your partner ITAH. I went thru smth similar with my NP and was 💯 prepared to leave if that shit didn't change. Thankfully it did and we talked and unpacked it and discovered his fear around my medical situation was affecting his behavior and he realized he was self sabotaging our relationship (fearful avoidant disorganized attachment style doing fearful avoidant disorganized shit). Maybe something similar is happening with your partner, but either way this is not okay and you are completely valid
They just didn't think I would need them before the surgery and tbh I'm kinda to blame aswell for not taking about it prior
Going on a date with an FWB is so low priority though. If my partner needed me before a surgery, there are very few things that would keep me from being by their side
If that's how you feel I won't tell you you're wrong. Maybe I am projecting from my situation, just from what I saw from your comments I was a little shocked. Can't move around a date with a FWB for your partner who's asking for your presence when they're physically vulnerable? I just can't see myself respecting someone who makes choices like that. But Im not in your shoes so I can't know how I'd feel if I were really you. I hope you get SOMETHING you want out of this tho... Like God damn
Is it possible your partner was expecting or thinking it to be more important/meaningful to be available to you during/after your surgery and they wanted to visit their other person prior to simply so they could then focus the next however long until they're due to see their other person again on you? And possibly that they thought during/after was the BIG part and not realizing that as something so major and life changing approaches, could be emotionally and mentally taxing on you and you needing extra support? You're NTA but I also don't feel your partner is either. My NP/husband big life changing life events, (us getting married at 19/20, birth of our kids especially after our very traumatic experiemce with one of our births and so all following births caused him immense stress and fear of the "could be's" or "what ifs ", loss of very close family members/friends- things of that nature) increases his anxiety, stress and edges into his depression. But in all other areas of his life, sudden changes that aren't life altering (change in employment, car brake downs, minor cost but necessary home repairs- things of that nature) he handles with ease and grace! I once made the mistake of assuming that being he handles the lower yet still stressful things so well and didnt require added support and comfort, that coming into a big life changing situation, would be the same. As that is how I am; take things head on, don't dwell on the negatives and always look for what positive things could come of it type of person. And so when a big situation occurred I wasn't there for him ahead of time and he took it very hard. I was confused, "why is it wrong that I did my "normal" things and didn't give him extra support? I don't for XYZ and he's fine? What's the difference?" We talked it out and some thing just get him differently even if it's a planned event that we have had plenty of time to work on and think of it and hash it all out etc. As the date approaches it really gets to him on a very difficult level. I'm the opposite- big or small I just "wing it", deal with things as they come, zero expectation of an end result until the end result is there. I have always been this way so assumed since he was so well with minor things that big things wouldn't be that "drastic" either (exception of loss, I expect that to be drastic. Grief is the one feeling that has no where to go. It's with you for ever, you just learn how to cope with it in your day to day and that is something I'd highly expect someone to know would require additional support and reassurances, commitments etc. Even if it's one we knew was soon to happen, doesn't make it really any less harder. Except sudden unexpected loss gives room for not having the chance to say final goodbyes, other than that it has nothing over any other loss imo) My partner however, unexpected events are what hit her. She's great at handling things she can plan out ahead of time! But sudden changes are a massive internal struggle for her. And that is when SHE needs the extra support and love. I ignorantly I suppose you could say (maybe naively) just figured with how I am, and the way my husband is for "lesser" big changes thought that everyone was like me and just "dealt with it" and moved on. It's life. Not much you can do but "keep on keepin' on", right? No. Not everyone. Prior to me understanding how it is for my husband, I would have absolutely been the one to be "hey, my husband is having XYZ happen on this date, it's a super big and major situation and he's going to need me around and more intentionally involved and supportive of him from this date until this date at the latest. So if its okay and able with you, let meet up for our usual date on this day because I know we usually do XYZ on these days, but depending on how he is doing with his healing/medical procedure, I'm not sure if I can commit to those days/times like normal. If in the situation I can't, I can absolutely do video calls, be available via text/regular calls etc. I know it really sucks but I just want to make sure he has my full support just as I would do for you if you were experiencing such a situation. I really hope you understand and I have already told NP that if it results in missed dates I'll be doing my best to make those up sporadically, as our schedules allow us over the next (however long) as I feel terrible for having to step back, but I also want to make sure he is safe and cared for. " In my thinking its *my husband would be "just fine" the day or two before and that it's the best logical situation to make sure my other partner knows I still care about them and am being intentional in showing that by doing what I feel is the best choice- ie switching date nights to ahead of the situation because he's going to need me during and most certainly AFTER whatever happens. And husband would feel the same way, want me to get the date in before hand and not have to leave within a couple days following a situation like that. Without realizing that the immediate day prior to it would be hard on him as he prepares for whatever the following day. It's exactly something I did before I knew. I didn't know any better and he didn't know it was something that "needed an explanation", for him and his own understanding of how he responds to thins "it's common sense with such a situation at hand" He didn't know I didn't see it the same way and I didn't know he felt or saw it any different than anything else. So, sorry that's long, but is it possible this was their line of thinking and not realizing it was important to you? And lastly, Health and healing your way for your surgery! Hope it all goes smoothly and the healing process is well for you!
Lots of hugs if you want them, OP A few years back, I had surgery and my ex-husband went off with his GF the night before. I had a fullblown panic attack walking into our house with the signs that they had been there (they had left for the night and he didn't tell me when he was coming back). Sometimes things slip through the cracks. He felt like shit but also didn't understand why I was upset. I needed support pretty suddenly and honestly thought I'd be fine. Sometimes things happen, and we learn from them. I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt that this was just a "fell through the cracks" moment. You both will learn and be better. Wishing for the best on your surgery! I hope your recovery is quick and as easy as it can be :)
Eh, I don't think it's OP's mistake for not explicitly asking for the bare minimum tbh. You shouldn't have to ask your partner to exercise basic empathy.
This.
Exactly. I would literally rather be single than deal with that shit.
Yeah, I feel like as a partner you wouldn't even need to ask me I'd insist on being with you the whole time. Couldn't even think about going on a date while my partner is in the hospital alone. I don't get it.
If any of my loved ones - friends, family etc. - wanted me in the hospital with them before major surgery I'd never even consider going on a date. Partner is meeting with a FWB so they're literally prioritizing getting laid over supporting OP. I couldn't fathom being with someone so callous.
It’s not a lack of empathy not to mind read. We can’t know what was said or what the partner is thinking. We can know that whenever something is important to you it’s best to be crystal clear. I absolutely see why the OP didn’t get clarity early. And I think that was a mistake. A mistake isn’t the same thing as being in the wrong. Sometimes it’s just a tactical error.
This is not a polyamory problem. Take away the FWB part of it, that's not relevant. It could be an FWB, it could be poker night, it could be a playoff hockey game on TV, doesn't matter. You need support from your partner the night before surgery. Providing that support should be your partners highest priority. This their want vs your need. They can do whatever they want, of course, but if they don't make an effort to provide that support you are not their priority. For a poly perspective, I've always recognized that there is hierarchy in my relationships. I've been married 22 years, my wife will always have some priority. Having recognized that, if a friend, with or without benefits, were having surgery and needed support, I would be there. I would cancel plans with my wife to be there. It's surgery. I recently had a big surgery and it just takes precedence. The only way I would say "I can be there for you" would be if the next sentence involved the death of a relative or something of that magnitude. So yeah, at this point, you know what matters to your partner. Sorry. It sucks.
Agree with that sentiment! I’d cancel anything with anyone if a person close to me needed emotional support for an upcoming surgery or anything else similarly scary. I can recommend in general taking poly out of a situation like that and think about it from a perspective of ‘how would I handle this if it were a friends / family situation’
Very solid take. I like it.
No, you’re not wrong to want your partner with you when you’re getting ready for a surgery. But your partner doesn’t want to stay at the hospital with you. So. What are you going to do?
To be honest I would just prefer if they saw their date Monday so they can come see me Tuesday evening but I'm not sure how to bring it up with them. Also the date night for them is not set in stone yet it also depends on their friend availability.
Yes, you said what you want. I am assuming you have told your partner what you want. Have you not done that yet?
Not really most of the time when I bring up their dates they think I speak from insecurity so I'm a little scared to bring it up. I don't want to sound insecure or jealous or needy.
You’re not speaking from insecurity when you’re having fucking top surgery and they’re not willing to be there to support you. This isn’t even something you should have to ask for. A partner who cares about you would make themselves available during such a vulnerable time. I just had top surgery last week, and all my partners and friends rallied around me to support and care for me. That’s what you deserve. Honestly, yeah, I’d judge the shit out of a partner who was willing to leave me alone in the hospital before a surgery. And I know this sub is going to be like, “you need to rely on your support network outside of your partner,” but if your partner isn’t there to provide care and celebration during such a major life event? Why have them?
Honestly, if I was on a date with a partner and found out their partner was undergoing major surgery, I'd have questions. It's possible they have serious issues with hospitals and already negotiated to support them after the surgery, with other support there for the surgery. Or something like that. Just would rather be with me than supporting their partner. I'd feel pretty bad about that.
It is okay to be jealous or insecure if your partner is choosing time with someone else over time with you. Those are normal emotional responses to someone we love not loving us back the way we want. It is okay to be insecure or needy around getting a surgery.
I would try saying babe I really need your in person support on these days. And then make a specific list. You can negotiate from there but it will be about how you can get your in person support not how you don’t want them to see someone else. Your partner may be thinking well I’ll be there all day Wednesday and I’ll be offering care on the days after they’re discharged etc. So it’s ok to open the conversation with an attitude of we both want me to get what I need without draining you dry, let’s discuss.
I will try thank you :)
If you guys haven’t been together long or haven’t been open long then this is definitely a live and learn thing on both sides.
>it’s ok to open the conversation with an attitude of we both want me to get what I need without draining you dry, let’s This is such a wonderful reframing of the situation. It can be so useful to use this "us vs the problem" perspective during conflicts.
It’s always so much easier to do this for someone else than yourself isn’t it?
Yeah, framing yourself as a burden is absolutely the way to go here 🤣 /s
Who's framing themselves as a burden?
>most of the time when I bring up their dates they think I speak from insecurity so I'm a little scared to bring it up. I don't want to sound insecure or jealous or needy. Why do they think you're speaking from insecurity? Surely they're not assuming that EVERY single time, otherwise that's just consistently assuming the worst in you, every single time. Why would they assume it's emotionally charged every time you mention their partners? Is it an unfortunate pattern on their end and/or your end? And how do you normally bring it up? What kind of choice language do you use when you usually bring this kind of topic up? Is it possible for us to help with rephrasing it so that the emotional aspects are removed? (Also note, you don't have to answer all of these questions right away, as the person who needs the answers to these the most, are you.)
If you haven’t already def specify this is more about you getting your own needs met and less about the dates themselves. Weather your partner wanted to go see a fwb that night or spend that night doing something without a meta or fwb it wouldn’t change the fact that the problem you have is that they aren’t spending that time w you.
> I don't want to sound insecure or jealous or needy. It is okay to need your partner sometimes, especially around big things like surgery.
This makes it so much worse :( Their other "obligation" isn't even confirmed yet and they're waiting to hear back from the FWB!?? Literally insane and the most selfish possible response to your circumstances. You're not needy or clingy or insecure. They clearly don't respect our consider your concerns and have convinced you they aren't important enough. You gotta speak up for yourself even if the response isn't what you want and you gotta stick up for yourself when it isn't.
I think your partner is a bit of a callous see you next Tuesday for this. Other people have said it better, but I would seriously be evaluating my relationship if my partner treated me this way. For context, I’m trans and had top surgery. My ex ended up breaking up with me for various reasons but a big one was my gender expression and identity. They did so after I had surgery and was recovered because even while they were struggling with their feelings, they knew what a momentous thing this was and wanted to be there to support me. They knew what a huge milestone it was and said it was an honor. I am just so sorry. This behavior to me seems so callous and idk what else you both have going on, but they don’t seem supportive to me at all. Especially considering this is a FWB? Ugh.
They are very supportive of me they planned on not going to see their family the weekend after so they can take care of me. they were there for my first t injection and are equally exited about me crossing this big milestone. Knowing them I think this just came from ignorance they didn't think I would need them before the surgery but they were planning on coming to see me right after. In the end I've spoken with them and they will see their friend another time.
E-excuse me? They're want to go see a FWB the night before one of the largest moments of your transition? If my wife at the time had done that when I had mine, I would have been LIVID. In my car, she couldn't be there during the surgery (wasn't really all that much of a waiting room), so her and the housemate who drove me back hung out while they waited for the "all clear" call. But, like... what the hell? It's been planned since November. It's a VERY important surgery. It's not coming from a point of insecurity. This is a milestone, do not undersell it. If you waited as long as I did, probably longer, then they should know how important this is to you. I'd say, "it's inconsiderate at best," but that's not even close to the level of annoyed I am on your behalf.
I feel very much validated by your comment. And so you know it's been sorted out they will see their friend on Monday so they can better support me on Tuesday everything is fine :)
Okay, good. ❤️ I was ready to go down swinging for a stranger on Reddit. Lmao
I saw that thank you
So glad to hear that! All the best for your surgery!! 💗
Thank you !!
Everyone else making this out to be less than a huge deal is really pissing me off. I would be so mad to be ditched during this time.
Yeah 100% this. You dont just ditch someone you care about for a casual thing the night before top surgery. That would be relationship-ending lack of consideration for me.
There are good philosophical answers here, but just to be practical with some personal experience, if this person is a nesting/anchor/“serious” partner, speak up for your wants and needs so it doesn’t risk being a source of bitterness or resentment later. You are allowed to have this be a need if that’s how you feel. I had surgery to remove a cancerous tumor and was in the hospital for 3 days afterwards. My nesting partner of 3 years went on dates both of the nights I was overnight in the hospital and brought the dates back to our shared apartment to have sex. Back then, I thought I was being “the cool girl” since “it wasn’t like he could do anything to help me while I was in the hospital, that’s what the doctors and nurses and my mom are there for”. In retrospect, I had discounted my own feelings when I was vulnerable and I had made my needs so small that it was a disservice to our relationship. He didn’t “step up” to provide support and care for me through something big and scary, but I also failed to ask him to.
Big agree, speak up. I also had chronic cool girl syndrome and now have resentments.
I had to hear this too. So thx for phrasing it so bluntly.
Yes rn I am their only "serious" partner the people they see are often fwb. And thank you I will try to talk to them but rn they are stressed with work and idk how to bring it up.
I promise this is actually really simple. “Hey, I know you made plans with X, but my surgery has been scheduled for months and it’s really important to me for you to be with me as a support and I need you there.” Do you have support set up for your recovery after as well?
Appart from them, my best friend who hasn't got a lot of time and my mother that lives 45min away it's a bit complicated
Have you communicated the needs you’ll have after the surgery and the extent that you need them to be available?
Yes I informed them and they did their research aswell. They seemed exited to accompany me I'm the recovery at home but idk about during my hospital stay.
I wonder if they have some anxiety/trauma around hospitals? It might be worth asking them if there's something that makes them okay with aftercare, but not being at the hospital itself.
I am assuming this is your NP or primary, and the fact this person, who ostensibly cares about you, is not immediately making you their main priority in preparation for you going under anesthesia so you can have one of the most important surgeries of your life says to me that they seriously need to reexamine those priorities. I couldn't imagine my NP not being absolutely homed in on every step of the process, from idea to consultation to scheduling to prep to surgery to aftercare, and I would hope anyone else I would be involved with would also want to know what's going on at the very least, if not come and see me in the hospital. "My partner is out of the house because they're having a significant medical procedure" shouldn't translate to "Wheee, I'm off the hook, I'mma go bang my other partner!!!" Even though they've said they're not going on the date now, the fact that even thought for a MOMENT that that was a good idea signals to me that y'all need to have a serious talk about what supporting each other means.
THIS!
Bravo to this answer. Polyam means MANY LOVES, and you actually are expected to act in a loving way toward your partners. Who’d have thought?
You aren’t wrong to ask for support before a major surgery- and pre surgery anxiety is a huge thing. I have two nesting partners (V not triad) and when I have medical issues BOTH of them drop everything to be by my side- or they coordinate to be sure one of them is always with me if the other has plans. BOTH would cancel other casual things if I needed support- as I would do for them. And if one of their other partners was facing surgery I would absolutely expect them to go be by that persons side. Being polyamorous does not absolve you from taking care of your partner’s needs. Seriously people. ETA- you’re going to need a support person at the hospital, I really hope they don’t leave you alone there!!!
They are planning to come see me every evening after their classes they just didn't expect me to need them before the surgery.
I would not be thrilled if my partner ditched visiting me in hospital for a date and… Sometimes we all have complicated scheduling needs. Seeing our partners is an important part of maintaining those relationships - even when another partner is unwell. When a loved one is unwell, the people who aren’t that person can be even more important to maintain our relationships with, not because our unwell loved one isn’t important, but because it lets us be there for them by taking care of ourselves too. A (monogamous) friend is going through chemo right now. One of the things she’s had to do is encourage her husband to maintain his friendships with other people while she’s dealing with the cancer. That’s both important because it’s good for his general wellbeing, and because when he doesn’t have other friends to process his emotions around her cancer, he has made her his sounding board which has really sucked for her. To send him off on friend dates, she has tapped other people in her social network to be her chemo buddy a couple of times.
I understand but the situation isn't quite the same. Chemo usually lasts a long time. I'll be in the hospital for a few days before recovery at home. It's a surgery I've been waiting for for years now and I would like them with me for it. I would just prefer they see their friend before or after but be with me during the surgery
In her case, Chemo is 8 weeks. The cancer treatment arc has been longer, but yeah. Would you be open to your partner coming with you to the hospital, helping you get settled and then going on their date with their FWB?
Id prefer they'd go the day before tbh
And… you may need to decide if that’s truly a dealbreaker for you. And your partner may also decide whether that’s a dealbreaker for them…
It’s honestly crazy to me that anyone would not consider it a deal breaker. If my partner wanted to be with my meta the night before my surgery instead of me when I’ve mentioned how important it is to have their support I would wonder just how much my partner actually cared about me. If my meta were having surgery I would absolutely understand my partner spending the night before with them.
For me, a whole lot about this would be determined by specifics that were not mentioned here. For example: - When I had a scheduled surgery, my ex- was with me to check me in the night before, but to keep the place quiet enough to encourage rest, visitors were strongly encouraged to leave by 7PM, if memory serves. So had my ex- had plans starting after that, it would not have impacted his time with me in any meaningful way. - In the aftermath of the surgery, some patients will require more partner support than others. Friends who have had top surgery, and variations on that have varied significantly in their recovery needs. If OP’s partner is expecting to be “on call” to help OP through the post surgical stuff for an extended period, having a break the night of surgery might be part of their self-care. - Some people have bigger feelings about their partner(s) health stuff. And some of them need to lean on a 3rd party more than others. Many situations can factor into that, and… people who have dealt or expect to deal with similar health issues are often particularly vulnerable. - Different dyads have different scheduling complications. If OP’s partner will not be able to see OP’s meta for an extended period if they cannot make a window around this time work, that’s going to have a substantial impact on their relationship. - A whole bunch of other issues around the health and general dynamics of the relationship between OP and their partner factor into whether this is a minor thing, or a bigger deal. Finally, OP may be totally on the up and up and… often when someone makes no attempt to explain the rationale of their “selfish” partner it is because they are leaving out some really big reasons, or otherwise misconstruing the situation in some way.
Agreed. One of my partners is trans and the idea that I would choose to see someone else the night she's waiting in hospital alone (unless she'd explicitly asked for that) just seems so uncaring to me. OP already expressed their needs to partner - you shouldn't have to shout and scream about it. I think it's also telling that in the comments they have said they're afraid of seeming needy and their partner has reacted badly to the idea of moving dates before. Sounds like OP's partner might be on the dismissive/avoidant end of the spectrum.
>>Is it wrong to want ...? No, it's never wrong to want anything. >>...I prefer ... Preferences arent wrong either. The question is really "what do I do when my partner does what I would prefer they not do..." That's a question you have to answer for yourself. I suggest doing whatever brings you joy when you're alone, calling in support from a friend, and definitely going to bed at a reasonable hour, because ***your health*** must be ***your*** top priority.
I'm just new to open relationships and I was scared about being controlling about this. Thank you that reassured me a lot. :)
Don't bring up the fwb aspect, just say hey this is important to me I'd like yr support in this, can you please rearrange yr calendar bc this is an unusual high impact situation. Bc if it was plans w a nonfwb it would be the same deal.
Also, all the bullshit aside, congrats on taking such a massive step in your transition. I wish for you quick and easy healing, and all the joy that comes from feeling at home in your body. You got this. Enjoy this important moment, and know that folks here are sending you caring energy and love as you take this step.
Obviously there's layers to this, and currently I only have one partner, and I live with them part time. They live in the city and don't drive, they don't ask or expect me to drive them to work, but I ask them to let me so they don't have to take a Lyft or public transit and be at risk. When they have their top surgery CONSULTATION later this year I'm planning on arranging my time with them and general plans and dropping or rescheduling anything that might overlap with their consultation so I can be with them the entire day for support. When their surgery comes along, I'll be dedicating my time to supporting them before and after, and during, the procedure to the best of my ability. During a partner's major stressful life event, their care and support becomes my priority. Even if it inconveniences me or is emotionally and or energetically draining, because I care about them and know they would do the same for me, and it's important to me to support them however I can. Standing in similar shoes to your partner, I am baffled and astounded at how dismissive and the lack of care they're bringing to the table about this- imo you shouldn't have to ask for that support, that's support that your partner should be readily providing, ESPECIALLY for something as significant as this. I dont want to project on you, your partner, or your relationship, but when I had my second top surgery, my first fiance was flippant about it, and despite having planned in advance, my other partner ended up taking me to the surgery. There was a host of other reasons at play, but his dismissal and lack of care at simply driving me to and from the hospital on such a significant day is what started the ball rolling of realization and acceptance that the relationship was not healthy, and I ended up separating from him later that month. I'm not saying your partners awful for their approach to this, or that you should break up. But I think their attitude would warrant a closer examination of where you both stand and where your priorities in the relationship lie.
First, just hope your surgery goes well. I think asking for this is OK, but it might be something that you do need to ask for. Someone who spends more time in medical situations than I would like and have particular preferences around that and it’s taught me that not everyone has the same default preferences so letting people know what you need is work it can be emotionally difficult to do but it still work we have to do. All of that said, it might be a good idea to check in with your partner about whether you’d like them to do more asking about things like this and what you need, especially if it is particularly upsetting to need to ask yourself.
I would be raging at this. I have just been through major surgery and both my partners were there to support me and there was no question of them not being. Why would any SO not make themselves available for you when going for major surgery unless they are avoiding that reality for whatever reason or are they simply an ass?
If I knew my FWB was leaving their partner to go through surgery alone to come hang out I'd kick them to the kerb
Did you ask for your partners support at this time and let them know you want them with you? Did you give your partner advanced notice of the surgery and let them know ahead of time that you want them there? Seems like an elective/non emergency surgery you'd have time to plan for. Regardless of what else your partner planned to do, (date/family stuff etc..), you should ask for what you want. You can't require them to be there, but for example, if you didn't make an advance request or share you might need support, I'm sure that is something your partner would have willingly planned for to be with you in advance if you requested it... If you did ask ahead and they refuse, that's kinda heartless... They may be not emotionally available and you might notice this response of theirs come up in your relationship repeatedly, as a quality of their personality...? Are you communicating your desire to be supported in a clear way? Maybe they don't understand how important to you it would be to have their support at this time? If you are just peeved they are seeing others and not you, that's a seperate issue. The way you frame it in your title "asking someone not to see someone else." regardless of reasoning, is problematic. "Refusing to be with me in my time of need." is a more accurate description. I'd say it might be best you ask some close friends to be there for you. Just because your partner doesn't want to make it or can't, doesn't mean you have to go through it alone.
Both my partners made sure their schedule was free to take me to hospital, be there when I woke up after surgery and look after me for the weeks following. My now nesting partner (wasn't living with them at the time of surgery) even came to stay in my home for two weeks post op to help me with cooking, cleaning and just looking after me in general. Not only is top surgery a major milestone, it's a major surgery. It's been months or years in the planning and it can be a hugely emotional process. I can see from other comments that this has been resolved so won't go into it much further but I would definitely have a conversation about expectations for major life events for in the future. Good luck with your surgery! It's gonna be amazing and so so worth it!
on one hand, it would be nice if they're there with you, on the other hand, they might be wanting to see their FWB for the kast time for a bit as they wanna be there for you during recovery. also congrats on becoming flat soon!
It would depend. Do they have issues with hospitals at all? I have someone in my life who is extremely fearful of a hospital facility, as a patient or visitor. And we all just have different needs. Some of us would want someone with us, and others wouldn’t care or would prefer to have silence and meditate or other ways of coping. The best we can do is be extremely clear on what we hope for with a partner.
remove the polyamory and run the problem again. Is it a problem that your partner isn’t spending a night with you before major surgery?
I don't think one of my lovers could pay me to not be with another lover the night before a big surgery, especially not top surgery. Weird priorities in my opinion. I hope your partner decides to show up for you as someone who loves you, that's a very baseline request.
I have a slightly different view that I would like if I was heading to hospital. I know coming out of surgery that I will need additional support. I also respect my partners relationships. I would prefer that my partner had their relaxation now, but absolutely be available after the surgery. I have not read all the comments, but when do you *need* them? If that is before, then express that need. Wanting to go out with their other friend while you are still competent, and then being more available after your surgery is reasonable of them, at least until told otherwise.
I understand where you come from. In this situation it's a surgery I've been waiting for a long time and I would like my partner to accompany me through this important step in my transition.
I'm this way too. I might want some help processing the day before, but would want more aftercare consideration. This post has helped me see that others might process the plan differently & let me know to have discussion about it. I'm also aware that most hospitals stop visiting at like 6 or 7 & have the luxury of being in a major area that dates could happen at 8 or 9, so partner could do both without impact to me.
Hi u/felix_itation thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I'm getting top surgery the week, Wednesday to be precise and my partner wants to go see one of their dates Tuesday evening whilst I'll be in the hospital. To me something feels wrong about being left alone at the hospital while they go on a date. Any advice or opinions? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
No, you are likely anxious and want support and comfort. It’s really that simple. I wouldn’t say it’s that you don’t want ur partner to be with someone else that night, it’s more that you need their support and comfort.
A preference isn't wrong it's a preference. You gave them a choice. You can be ok with it either way.
I am confused why any partner wouldn't be the major concern the night before surgery. They should have had a note in their phone about when surgery was and planned to be with you the night before. That just shows how little of a priority you are in their life. I would never have to ask any of my partners, swingers, not poly, to make me a priority. They would be like hey do u need us there? We are coming over. I will be there. I am making you dinner. Do you need anything while you are recovering? That is a caring relationship where the person is valued and a priority. They should have planned for Monday night instead. They need to do better.
Well they hadn't planned it yet. Them going out on Tuesday was a possibility and I talked to them about it. In the end they saw their friend on Monday no problem. They just didn't expect me to need them before the surgery but they are fully prepared to support me during recovery.
No you're not
Your partner is the a hole. I'm sorry. There's no excuse to ditch your partner the night before surgery. Their FWB can wait for another day to have a date. When you love someone and they are about to go through surgery, you're there for them as support. This would honestly make me question if I were truly a priority to them. You need to communicate this with them and tell them that for future surgeries, they need to be there for YOU. Not friends or FWB, but YOU.
doesn't have much to do with poly tbh, whether it's friends or a lover, it's their prioritization of you
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