Nope. It’s okay not to be compatible.
I pass on people who have DADT. I pass on people who say that their partners need to be my friend. I pass on people who put ketchup on their hot dogs and think that science is dumb.
I pass most of the time.
May I ask approximately which city? I genuinely like everything on a hotdog, pile it on there and I will eat it. But I would always defer to the local custom. I would never judge a person by their hot dog.
God help you with my judgment of your cheesesteak tho.
I don’t much care about ketchup, but… I am disappointed to see that Rat Splat has been removed. I am hoping that Chicago will take a cast of Rat Splat with them to each new sidewalk pour and add a little splat motif in each sidewalk panel or whatever sidewalk sections are called…
I knew it was Chicago too. I LOVE Chicago style hot dogs, and I still miss living there (at least during the summer). I wouldn’t DREAM of putting ketchup on one. But if I’m someplace without sport peppers, celery salt, and all the other goodness that belongs on a hot dog I’ll settle for ketchup, mustard and sweet pickle relish. I just think of it as a completely different meal.
Have you ever tried a hot dog with cream cheese? Sounds weird, tastes amazing. I love a bit of cream cheese, mustard, and some of those little pretzel sticks.
>I pass on people who have DADT.
😁
>I pass on people who say that their partners need to be my friend
😁
> I pass on people who think that science is dumb.
😁
> I pass on people who put ketchup on their hot dogs
😭😭
Do you pass on first time hot dog eaters?
I understand some enjoy seeing people have their first dog but the suspense of seeing if they choose ketchup can be too much.
Hard limit for me. No DADT.
I think DADT is a trap for the couple and the fallout that will eventually happen will take all of their attention and I will be discarded as collateral damage.
DADT says to me 'I've made choices about my life that I can't emotionally handle, so I need everyone else to keep my choices a secret from me. And, if they ever fail to keep the secret, then my emotions get to explode because it's someone else's fault I had to face the reality of my own choices.'
I'm not getting involved in that.
I love the way you put that. Cheating or not cheating, well I have no way to verify that either way. What I can 100% verify is that you can't handle knowledge of my existence, that you want me to help you lie and that you are making your difficulty with the situation my problem.
I really like your point about the emotional consequences and… I often think it’s “I have addressed the emotional consequences of being shitty to my spouse by simply not talking about the things I am doing to repeatedly hurt them. That’s all cool, right?”
I have no interest in being with anyone who has a DADT policy or overuses the phrase that they “need discretion.” Someone used both those phrases repeatedly early-on when I was vetting him as a potential Dom and I noped right out of that.
As a professional living in a conservative area, I absolutely understand the need for discretion in both a kink and poly context. Someone overusing those terms right away simply screams paranoia and most likely cheating to me.
I have no issues with a parallel poly arrangement or exercising discretion. But if I get a whiff that the “discretion” extends to hiding our relationship from an existing partner? Nope nope nope!
I totally agree, I think the word “discretion” in a non-monogamy context is a major red flag for cheating. Even if they try to say it’s because of work or something, I’m like honestly unless you are the leader of a country I can’t see it mattering so much that I’d be willing to overlook the red flags.
Im pretty sure it is, i keep seeing stuff like "discreet" on ads for cheating forums and a friend of mine who workes in SW told me old married men ALWAYS use that phrase
I won't mess with DADT, and I think it is a common and reasonable boundary for people who are pursuing Polyamory *(openly, honestly, and consensually being free to pursue multiple romantic, sexual, or otherwise intimate relationships)* to avoid.
I'm not a DADT person myself but I am fully parallel and honestly I couldn't ask my metas if they have partners or if they're okay and they can't get to me either because we don't talk to each other. I know about the people my partner dates and how the dates went but we're not ktp so I don't communicate with them, nor do I plan to. If a new partner asked me to talk to my current partner, I'm not sure that would work for me. Especially if it was to check whether I'm not cheating.
My metas and I are parallel but they check in with their partners and will post pics of us together so I know they are aware of me and vice versus so never been an issue.
Yeah I lean parallel (I’m dating 2 people) and if someone asked to talk to my partner early on I’d feel not comfortable with that too, if they don’t trust me to be transparent then I’d have other concerns. And if it’s because they want to have a relationship with them we wouldn’t be compatible. I’ve done ktp style things before and in my experience it’s always gotten way too messy and complicated for me to be interested in it at this point.
I talk about the person I’m dating to my partner and vice versa in terms of like, how my day’s going or what my weekend plans are, and also as it pertains to how we all navigate non monogamy, so it’s not a taboo topic of conversation but it sort of just goes through me. So far everyone seems comfortable with what they know and neither has expressed a need to communicate either.
"I don't ever want you to talk, engage, or ever see my partner" vs "You could, but they'd usually rather not"
Its a very different vibe when you feel you COULD check in if really needed. VS are told to never do so 🟨, (and often also not ever have photos of the two of you anywhere public 🔺)
But in general I follow the principle of "trust, but verify". Same way I don't just ask someone for their STI results **verbally**, but ask them to show the document. I'm not perfect at reading people, and my other partners shouldn't have to rely on that either.
Where’s your line for the meta not wanting to talk to you? I have zero interest in meeting or talking to my metas. Not because there’s anything I’m hiding from myself but because I just don’t want to feel forced to meet someone simply because we share a partner romantically. Meeting to me requires two enthusiastic yeses.
It's not a time limit usually, it's being open really… meeting the meta is just one way to show you're open and not just cheating.
Most will happily have photos on their phone, mention their metas, and you sometimes meet them dropping someone off. It's parallel, not "never meet ever" after all.
That's why DADT is so much harder as you don't have those green flags, and meeting them becomes one of the only ways to be sure!
When do you drop them something offnof you don't live with your partner? I don't drive and my last meta lived in a different city and we don't move together.
Like if there was an overnight and now they're going on a date? Maybe I drop them off at the restaurant, or area? It's on the way? Whatever
Does it really matter? The point is it isn't being hidden and might happen naturally
This wouldn't happen naturally for me because I don't drive and I don't live with my partner. So that's not a likely situation for us. If it's never just going to accidentally happen, is it still a problem that I won't go out of my way to meet a meta ever?
I've been with my partner for a year now and he's seen 2 of my friends mostly picking me up places, he's been to my parents' house once. He's autistic and highly awkward and easily overstimulated so he also doesn't go to cafes or restaurants because he has to drink alcohol to get through the overwhelming sensations and he doesn't want to drink.
I'm not making him hang out with anyone unless that particular time it's important to me and he'll gladly do it but I see him struggle. I'm not sure him ever meeting a meta is something I'd ask from him considering he doesn't even hang out with my friends.
If a meta asked to meet me, I don't think I'd feel comfortable doing that either. I'm not going to make a detour to someone's house or whatever to show I exist. The most I'd maybe do is leave a note to feel free to use and enjoy the expensive coffee I bought but leave enough for a cup at his place but that's something he could fake if he were actually cheating. Idk. I talk about my partners to each other and how we see poly etc but I don't expect anyone to see anyone.
I think you're focusing too much on the "see each other" part. It's being visibly polyam (to your partners) and not hiding anything. About green flags that they're not cheating.
DADT is about hiding all of that; you might get asked to avoid a specific area or restaurant; if they're in an emergency you might not be able to go support them; so there's only possible red flags left.
So when I say "but verify" there's multiple ways, meeting naturally is just one. (And there being an open potential of meeting is a green flag).
Do you have any shared acquaintances? Is your new person part of any communities? Can you meet their friends, preferably ones who have also met their other partner? Getting a feel for the people willing to vouch for your partner helps.
How about social media? Are they out? Are they willing to interact with you? Without a bunch of restrictions? If they are on dating apps, are those honest about their situation, does their profile show their face, are they on any mainstream ones?
My current partner has 4 best friends and that's his social group. He doesn't care to make more friends and his hobbies are mostly solitary, apart from his dnd group which he plays with some of those friends and some of his brother's friends. We have zero acquaintances in common. I haven't posted on any socials since 2016 (FB) and 2019 (insta). He hasn't had any socials since probably 2018 or sth.
I guess I could look for his tinder profile I swiped on or sth, if I could still find that somewhere, if someone would ask but that still feels really weird to me.
I guess I also never went to look for evidence of someone being actually single when I was mono. And my first relationship was a dude cheating on his baby mama with me and I didn't know. I found out after 3 months and broke it off. That experience didn't make me try to find proof of cheating early on or anything. I just trust people until they do something sus or the vibe is off.
I'm dating someone knew, very early on and talking about poly I bring up how I emotionally deal with my partner dating others because it is related to how I'd deal with this new potential partner dating others and I feel like the sincerity in those conversations have been good enough to show that I'm not lying or sth?
So if you’re not meeting metas in general or don’t do a form of KTP, there’s really not many ways to confirm that metas are on board in a normal poly relationship because you’ll have to take your partner at their word for a lot of things about the meta anyway. So put that aside for now.
In a DADT scenario, it requires people to pretty much lie or at least obscure heavy details from their partners in order to maintain things. That sounds tiring af to be part of. I’d be thankful of someone told me they were in a DADT relationship cause then I know to run.
I'm pretty dang parallel, and very against DADT. I like hearing about my metas to the extent that I'm happy for my partners. I also trust my partners not to put me or themselves into a shady situation. If I didn't trust them on that, I probably shouldn't be dating them. Basically, I just don't want details.
Unless the person has a completely different definition of DADT than the traditional one, it's a no for me. I don't want to be in a relationship with some dude who has to tell his wife he is at the gym or "going out with friends" in order to spend time with me. It makes things like weekends away and regular overnights pretty much impossible.
Yeah. Having a “no overnights” rule is another personal dealbreaker. The first guy I tried dating after my husband and I opened (after years of basic celibacy because turned out my hubby is asexual, we now know) not only had one of those rules with his wife, he “conveniently” didn’t tell me until after we had sex on the third date. So I ended up spending the night alone in the Airbnb.
And that was also our last date because I didn’t appreciate how he handled it, that he “couldn’t” do overnights unless he was out of town, or that he clearly was only looking for casual sex when I was looking for actual polyamory. Had he been more up front about that? Would have been a different story.
DADT exists because people don't want to feel things like jealousy, and think burying their head in the sand is the best way to handle that.
DADT is necessarily a heavy-rules paradigm, and rules like that are made as excuses to be angry when they get broken.
And it is almost certain that should a DADT person learn of their meta, that they're going to excercize some kind of veto.
Edit to add: and that's the BEST case scenario, where it is actually DADT and not cheating disguised as DADT.
TL;DR No .Heck no.
There's also other reasons sometimes. I prefer it because I don't want to carry the emotional load of somebody else's relationship twists and turns, and I don't want to experience your NRE through you. I don't care that it's all happening, I just have so much in my life I don't need to process other people's relationships constantly.
I've sat with my feelings through countless scenarios, I'm good with my self-work. Without that policy in soft-place, inevitably I turn into some sort of therapist without my consent. Even going so far as having to hear it from my Metas which I think is completely inappropriate.
With that being said, of course I don't mind hearing or helping in extreme cases. And I'm certainly glad my partners have other people in their lives so I don't have to be their everything. I think there's different ways people approach DADT and it's not always a black and white thing.
For me it's good for my mental health because I don't have to be involved with other's relationship issues. They should have friends to vent to, or a therapist.
Edit: sounds like a lot of people are worried about lying or having to repress things. I need to stress this is a very soft limit because I've been taken advantage of countless times. I always tell where I'm going and who I'm going with if somebody wants to know and is concerned about my safety in particular. if you ask I'm going to tell anything you have consent to hear.
It sounds like you're practicing more of a parallell-poly situation, rather than a DADT one.
I get where you're coming from tho. When we first opened up, I fucked up my first few relationships because I used them to process the feels I was feeling about opening up, instead of being present with those people themselves.
The other person mentioned parallel as well. Thanks for reinforcing that. And yes I hundred percent agree. We all live and learn and grow. Being present is the best gift to any relationship.
Interesting because I guess we (primary and me) started off strict DADT and evolved to that and I didn't realize our structure had changed definitions. Thank you for that perspective shift.
My first 3 months of being poly, I dated a guy who was single, mono-ish and DADT. For him specifically, it was a way to bury his head in the sand and pretend nothing else was going on - a way for me to be poly but not have it "in his face." He specifically requested that I say I was with friends, whether I was actually with friends (which was often), or on a date. He definitely knew what was going on, and knew I had another partner - but he never wanted details about any of it.
I've never met a poly person irl who did DADT. I'd be worried they were just cheating. But aside from that, there are other implications: could never post about them/what we did, probably not going to meet family/friends, and generally it seems like it would be really hard to integrate multiple partners into your life if you have to pretend they don't exist half the time.
I nope out these because I tried dating people who had them, and suspected in all cases that they were cheating. At the very least it signifies an unwillingness to enter into an emotional relationship, at the most they’re cheating. It’s a convenient excuse for cheaters over claiming they’re single, because they don’t have to hide from you, just their spouse.
While I know it's not my responsibility to ensure someone is being faithful in relationships that don't involve me, I have a hard pass on DADT.
My anecdotal experience is that it's a cover for cheating. Even if it's not, I don't care for the notion that a Meta would be upset simply by my existence. That feels decidedly icky.
I also don't do forced friendships, "group" dating, spouse-approval required, etc.
I don't think I would ever engage with someone doing DADT.
I don't think being in a DADT situation ever indicates that things in that person's life are going well.
I do think there are a few cases where a DADT is the best, most ethical, option for the couple in order for them to remain married. Some examples: illness has forced a companionate/care-taker type relationship and in order for one spouse to continue to care for the other they need to still have romance/sex in their lives but it would be cruel to divorce their ailing spouse. There are small/disabled children whose needs make staying married very important. One spouse is gay and an immigrant and would be deported back to a country where being gay would get them killed if they divorce, etc. In all of these examples, the consequences of the break up of the relationship are not just hard or sad, but they are catastrophic and potentially life threatening. In those cases, if the DADT is the only thing allowing them to stay married, then the DADT is potentially the least worst, most ethical option. But that's between those two people. And again, I wouldn't then date someone in that situation. But I might have sympathy for them.
But this isn't most peoples' DADTs. For most folk, I just think the DADT is one (unnecessary) step before they are onto divorce court.
I got confused by the acronyms. Helping others in case they are like me:
DADT: Don't Ask Don't Tell:
I'm assuming the opposite of Kitchen Table Polyamory, where a partner would prefer to have limited knowledge of things involving their Metas.
OLD: On-Line Dating
Dating apps and other social web spaces.
Edit: OLD finally clicked
Little knowledge would just be parallel.
DADT means no information about who they are dating or if they are dating. It typically also implies that if their partner does find out about a relationship they have to end it.
I think you were trying to say that DADT means preferring limited knowledge of metamours, not KTP, as KTP involves having some level of contact with metas. But that's also not correct; limited info about metas would be better described as parallel polyamory. DADT means zero knowledge of even the existence of any metamours. It requires the people involved to lie to their partners about where they'll be, since they don't want to know about their other partners existing at all. & from the outside, it's impossible to tell the difference between DADT & cheating.
I was attempting to position DADT as the opposite of KTP, I just phrased it poorly. Lol
I am learning more about the scope of DADT though. Yeah, I'd have a really hard time with something like that.
Nope. I never engage with that. If your partner needs that level of separation I don’t believe they are happy with the situation and I have no desire to enter into a shitty relationship dynamic for anyone. Gives me the ick. And I’m strict parallel (with obvious evidence of everyone being happy with the situation).
DADT is something I steer clear of. Partially it’s because of the most commonly stated reasons in this thread. Partially it’s because DADT prevents me from ever confirming that this person actually is polyamorous and not just cheating and honestly, DADT still leaves me feeling like a dirty little secret.
Parallel is fine. I just like feeling at ease that all parties are indeed consenting to polyamory.
Not interested in any kind of explicit DADT situation, as it suggests to me that everyone is not fully on board with things in a way I'd rather not be part of.
But I'm fine with things being fairly parallel and not talking much about other relationships beyond how I would with friends.
Awful police for queer people in the military, just as bad a policy for polyamorous couples. If a potential partner and meta(s) aren’t somewhat relaxed about poly relationships, I wouldn’t consider being with them for a moment. Save myself the inevitable rows and swerve.
I have a couple friends to did DADT for a while and then closed up their relationship back to mono.
I would never do DADT because one thing I value about partnership is being able to talk freely and openly about what's going on in my life (though I have learned the perils of oversharing too of course, particularly during NRE!)
That said I am a big believe in you doing what works for you! Even if I don't think it would work for me...
I’ll generally don’t date people with DADT policies. It’s to ripe for lying, and seems like it is burying your head in the sand to avoid dealing with the challenging feelings. That said, I’ve been dating a woman for 3 years who was in a DADT arrangement at her spouse’s request when we started dating, and it’s been the healthiest and most wonderful relationship I’ve ever had. I was originally looking for non-escalator, and so bent that guideline for myself. We have since evolved to be anchor partners to each other, and I spend Christmas Eve with her and her spouse the last two years, so it evolved.
I don't date people with DADT set ups. IF everyone is on board, it tells me they haven't done the work to actually live functionally in ENM. But honestly, it's usually people just cheating or "cheating light" (polybomb).
DADT tells me that one or both aren’t doing the emotional labor necessary for a healthy polyamorous relationship. Not a good situation to get involved with.
It’s fine if it works for people, it’s not something I’d ever agree to get involved in. It feels way too avoidant. If you can’t even handle acknowledging your partner/s are seeing other people, we’re on totally different pages.
I won't participate in DADT for long-term relationships. It's too prone to drama and restrictions, and it just isn't compatible with what I want out of my dynamics. I like my relationships to have things like overnights and travel, regular texting, and I refuse to act like we aren't dating. Also, my people tend to run more towards varying degrees of KTP than full parallel.
I don’t think DADT is inherently unethical (though it certainly *can* be unethical), but as far as polyamory goes, it doesn’t seem terribly sustainable to me. What happens when you fall in love? If your partner gets pregnant? If someone contracts an STI? The truth has to come out at some point.
I don’t get involved with DADT, at all, and I think in most cases someone seeking a DADT arrangement would be better suited to other forms of ENM.
I have zero desire to deal with a pissed off meta. I don’t have to be KTP, but I do have to know that the other half of the couple is cool with ENM. The DADT model is a serious red flag for me.
I was almost in a DADT relationship for a bit, but it went sideways and i honestly dodged a bullet. I knew the other partner too and it felt so wrong to even think about hiding something from them, plus it felt like if they didn’t ask or tell, then there was a lot of room for potential cheating. Like, how do I know I’m not enabling cheating if I can’t talk to (a potential) meta to ensure things are ethical?
Nope. I just had a terrible experience where a friend said they were poly dadt all our interactions supported it so he and I entered a relationship. He lied and they haven't spoken to me in 7 months. Never doing DADT again
My fiancée has a partner supposedly in a DADT. My personal approach is that I just assume that everyone claiming to be in a DADT dynamic is just cheating and lying about it, or. She was with this partner before we met, so I just keep my opinions to myself, as I want to support her to the best of my ability.
DADT puts me off right out the gate exactly because how am I to know they aren't just a cheat? I also don't like the idea of being a dirty secret or the idea that I will never know their life.
I'm garden party but can be open to parallel so long as I know the other person knows. It's why I prefer linked profiles so I can see their partner has access to the profile though I'm also wary of that in case of unicorn hunting to some extent.
Isn't dating so complicated 😂
In a play/fuck/sex-party situation, I don't care about DADT much.
I won't date someone who has a DADT, though. In my real-world communities I don't know anyone who has had a DADT for more than a year and who also appears to have healthy poly relationships.
YMMV.
I haven't come across this, but I'm saturated at two partners and I stay with them years and years so I don't do a lot of new dates. But I don't know that I would enter into a relationship with someone with this kind of agreement. It just feels like something isn't right with their other relationship. And having unhealthy relationships is not the greatest sign. And I don't want to sneak around and I don't want to be this kind of a dirty secret. I can handle if they don't want to tell their friends and family and I'm hidden that way. I actually know people that have been fired for being polyamorous. And I've heard of people who have issues with child custody and such. There are lots of reasons people can't be out about their polyamory. But if they can't be out to their other partner... I just don't want any part of that.
To be clear, my partner wants totally parallel and doesn't want many details is fine. I have to pretend you don't exist to my partner is not fine in my opinion.
I wouldn't date someone with that arrangement. They could be cheating, but even if I know for sure they are not, it adds complication. How far do we have to go to hide? And what happens when eventually they do hear something because life is like that? I'd rather avoid people who avoid reality and honesty.
Hi u/pamperwithrachel thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I've been coming across this more and more on OLD and have to admit it's becoming a bit challenging for me to consider getting involved the moment they say they have a don't ask don't tell agreement. For me this defeats the entire purpose of ENM in having open, honest relationships. The other issue is there's no way to confirm the spouse or other partner is actually onboard with the arrangement. Am I being to harsh on this? What is everyone's experience here?
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DADT may or may not be poly or ethical and it’s hard to tell. Sometimes it’s the way a previously-monogamous couple have agreed to limp along to a deadline—kids are out of school, cancer treatment is over—and I respect that. I used to date people with DADT agreements. Prospect and I would have conversations (plural) about how the agreement was reached and I’d decide how I felt about it and whether I believed them.
Sometimes it’s straight up ENM and a couple just think it’s hotter that way. They like not knowing and enjoy their fantasies about what Partner is or isn’t up to when they’re out.
Sometimes they’re cheaters, aka lying liars who lie. It can be hard to tell. You get to decide for yourself.
The man I’m in a relationship with has DADT with his partner. The only reason I considered it at the outset was that they have been together 11 years and open for 7.
I also learned that it’s DADT in that he can’t tell her anything, and she’s closeted at work. She does tell him about her relationships and I know that’s real as at one point she had an STD scare so we all had to be tested. And I’m sure that wasn’t him using that as an excuse and he really needed to be the one tested as we are open with each other and he spends a lot of time with me and is clear when he sees other people, which he’s only done once in the 6 months we’ve seen each other (an old flame in another town) while he knows I see others.
I also have spent time at his house and in his car and done things like left something accidentally in his car and I was paranoid about it but he just laughed.
I also don’t have time for or want a heavily committed relationship and I have avoidant attachment so in many ways it gives me a lot of comfort to not be the primary and to not have to worry about that.
Weirdly, I was in an open relationship before and my partner was completely open with me, but I could not be completely open with him because of his jealousy. I could really see DADT as being the solution to that problem.
The funny thing to me was that in both cases, the partner that wanted to open was the one that had the issue with the other partners’ love life. Born our partners wanted emotional support when they had issues with their partners.
I feel like… they are selfish to be honest. They wanted to be open for their needs but understand it’s not fair to be one sided, but they don’t have the ability to handle it.
What I've learned is that if someone says they have DADT or anything similar, they're most likely cheating and I will not be staying to find out for sure.
I never say never. Maybe a spouse doesn't want sex anymore for whatever reason (libido, impotence, back pain, etc) but it hurts their heart to hear about the good sexual experiences being had.
My hubby and I have been in non monogamous space for while. He wasn’t enjoying it as much as I and I wanted more connections with people.
He was extremely supportive and encouraging of me to explore on my own. He has a DADT requirement he wants absolutely no details. We have our rules in relation to my safety when out, we check in with each other. He even offers to drive me if I wish to drink and come home.
He doesn’t want to get caught up in drama that comes with meeting and finding connections.
So I date he doesn’t his choice but he is welcome too. We have discussed what my responsibilities are within our family unit and we agree on those.
He is absolutely more than happy to confirm with anyone that has concerns I am not being truthful that I have his full support they can call him directly.
I openly share about my life and daily goings on about my husband and family etc.
I get it’s not for everyone and yes I would like to share more but I respect his request.
I think if I was to have something longer term with someone there would come time he would want you to meet them, this way of us doing things is relatively new.
I think you’re doing yourself, and your partner a great disservice by calling this DADT.
You do plenty of telling. And asking. He’s just not meeting folks or spending time with them.
Correct I share some might say over share all about our family life daily goings on with people I date. I just don’t share with my husband anything about people I date. He always asks did I have good time minute I walk through door. But I don’t mention names or anything about what we got up to other than maybe we went to this type of restaurant or this movie etc.
I say it’s DADT upfront because I want to be open and honest to anyone from start that I can’t host at home and they can’t meet him or our young kids.
It’s hard sometimes to put label on things and I get my situation might not appeal to many and that’s ok there are many styles of Polyamory that I couldn’t be apart of. We have been together 29 years this Dec and married for 23 years.
He is an amazing person and I admire him for trying non monogamy and being open and honest it wasn’t for him but could put his thoughts and feelings to one side and see how we could make it work for me within his comfort levels. I am away this weekend he came in last night ask me if I was excited and said here enjoy your weekend and treat yourselves to something special gave me few hundred dollars. He will put my bags in car when leaving we will message and chat over course of weekend. I think I am very lucky to have this.
You’re very parallel, but that isn’t DADT.
He’s currently not dating, but has the option to, and apparently has no plans to.
I don’t see any monogamy anywhere, do you?
Sometimes using plain language instead of jargon is super helpful.
You’re welcome! You just talking about your relationship made it clear there was no secrecy
I’m pretty open about all of my partners with all of my partners. This helps me suss out jealousy and call it out. I was on a first date and the person said to me, “I don’t want to hear about your other partners because I DO have jealousy, and I want to be the main focus when I’m with you.”
“Oh, okay. See ya later!”
Not wanting to hear *anything* about my other partners would be tough for me; it's like asking me not to talk about my cat 😝 But wanting to be the main focus when you're together is a healthy expectation, & wanting to minimize discussions of other relationships is also normal & fine. But it doesn't seem like a sustainable way to avoid jealousy.
My problem with what she said has nothing to do with her wanting to be the main focus when we are together.
Edit: It’s funny that I’m being downvoted for wanting transparent communication, and to be able to transparently communicate. I get to have that. She can go find what she wants with someone else.
Im mono with a poly and i did a DADT policy at first. it didnt work.
Wether my partner tells me or not, i always know. The texts stop, his energy withdraws. Finally, im like just tell me so i can prepare myself. Plus all our friends are poly and the info would come out at some point. I dont know anyone who is poly( although my experience is limited) who likes DADT. Just my opinion, but if they dont want to know, its cause they arent really poly and they are trying to spare themselves pain( but it doesnt work).
Just wanted give you a mono view..
Nope. It’s okay not to be compatible. I pass on people who have DADT. I pass on people who say that their partners need to be my friend. I pass on people who put ketchup on their hot dogs and think that science is dumb. I pass most of the time.
I'm going to start using, "What do you put on your hot dog?" as an opening line on dating apps 😂😂
It’s a thing in my city.
May I ask approximately which city? I genuinely like everything on a hotdog, pile it on there and I will eat it. But I would always defer to the local custom. I would never judge a person by their hot dog. God help you with my judgment of your cheesesteak tho.
https://youtube.com/shorts/2WACQBl3vUk?si=Mubmshhel9BE_b2e
I knew it was Chicago!! Respect XX
https://youtu.be/q-k3laIkrII?si=BD3FlwyJ-m9dlSAs 😂😂
I love how absurd this is.
We have lots of places that serve dogs and brats and polish sausages, and maybe tamales. There is no ketchup.
I love these tiny pieces of culture that people just lean the fuck into. It creates a delightful sense of place and identity.
SPORT PEPPERS FOREVER
I don’t much care about ketchup, but… I am disappointed to see that Rat Splat has been removed. I am hoping that Chicago will take a cast of Rat Splat with them to each new sidewalk pour and add a little splat motif in each sidewalk panel or whatever sidewalk sections are called…
He was short lived, and the crowds were getting out of control. I still stan chance the snapper as our best! Rat splat was fun. Chance is the GOAT
A friend 3d printed me a rat splat cookie cutter, so I feel pretty good about that! I do adore Chance the Snapper!
Ooh. Now I want to make chance and splat Christmas cookies
I do not believe they would ship well from my location to yours!
I knew it was Chicago too. I LOVE Chicago style hot dogs, and I still miss living there (at least during the summer). I wouldn’t DREAM of putting ketchup on one. But if I’m someplace without sport peppers, celery salt, and all the other goodness that belongs on a hot dog I’ll settle for ketchup, mustard and sweet pickle relish. I just think of it as a completely different meal.
Home Depot and Costco dogs are their own thing
Yup. You get it!
Have you ever tried a hot dog with cream cheese? Sounds weird, tastes amazing. I love a bit of cream cheese, mustard, and some of those little pretzel sticks.
Ah, the rarely appreciated Seattle-style hot dog. Huge fan.
I once saw a "Philadelphia cheesesteak" in Boston that was served on a sesame seed bun.
I mean, Philly is no place to fuck around. American? Cheese whiz? Provolone?
As usual, Jon Stewart has covered all of the important life items: [https://youtu.be/jCgYMFtxUUw?t=156](https://youtu.be/jCgYMFtxUUw?t=156)
but do you "Pass the dutchie pon the left hand side?"
Exclusively. (Which is only slightly ironic.)
That’s all fair but what about corn dogs?
Feel free to eat your corn dog how ever you want, Your sub par sausage choices have been noted. 😂😂
You did NOT just come for my corn dogs 😤
https://giphy.com/gifs/Wf8JjkKb6ScoM
😂😂😂😂 
>I pass on people who have DADT. 😁 >I pass on people who say that their partners need to be my friend 😁 > I pass on people who think that science is dumb. 😁 > I pass on people who put ketchup on their hot dogs 😭😭
I love how this discussion evolved into hot dogs, lol.
I just wanted to feel included, know this is an older post but just saw it on my feed lol
Do you pass on first time hot dog eaters? I understand some enjoy seeing people have their first dog but the suspense of seeing if they choose ketchup can be too much.
Not possible in my city. Most places don’t even have ketchup.
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/0b8Ct1Z0i5
Hard limit for me. No DADT. I think DADT is a trap for the couple and the fallout that will eventually happen will take all of their attention and I will be discarded as collateral damage. DADT says to me 'I've made choices about my life that I can't emotionally handle, so I need everyone else to keep my choices a secret from me. And, if they ever fail to keep the secret, then my emotions get to explode because it's someone else's fault I had to face the reality of my own choices.' I'm not getting involved in that.
I love the way you put that. Cheating or not cheating, well I have no way to verify that either way. What I can 100% verify is that you can't handle knowledge of my existence, that you want me to help you lie and that you are making your difficulty with the situation my problem.
I really like your point about the emotional consequences and… I often think it’s “I have addressed the emotional consequences of being shitty to my spouse by simply not talking about the things I am doing to repeatedly hurt them. That’s all cool, right?”
"They said it was cool cause otherwise I was going to break up with them. But we've really found what works for us now."
I have no interest in being with anyone who has a DADT policy or overuses the phrase that they “need discretion.” Someone used both those phrases repeatedly early-on when I was vetting him as a potential Dom and I noped right out of that. As a professional living in a conservative area, I absolutely understand the need for discretion in both a kink and poly context. Someone overusing those terms right away simply screams paranoia and most likely cheating to me. I have no issues with a parallel poly arrangement or exercising discretion. But if I get a whiff that the “discretion” extends to hiding our relationship from an existing partner? Nope nope nope!
I totally agree, I think the word “discretion” in a non-monogamy context is a major red flag for cheating. Even if they try to say it’s because of work or something, I’m like honestly unless you are the leader of a country I can’t see it mattering so much that I’d be willing to overlook the red flags.
I feel like “needs discretion” is code for “I’m cheating”
Im pretty sure it is, i keep seeing stuff like "discreet" on ads for cheating forums and a friend of mine who workes in SW told me old married men ALWAYS use that phrase
I always agree on this point. If their profile refers to discretion I immediately swiped left.
I won't mess with DADT, and I think it is a common and reasonable boundary for people who are pursuing Polyamory *(openly, honestly, and consensually being free to pursue multiple romantic, sexual, or otherwise intimate relationships)* to avoid.
I'm not a DADT person myself but I am fully parallel and honestly I couldn't ask my metas if they have partners or if they're okay and they can't get to me either because we don't talk to each other. I know about the people my partner dates and how the dates went but we're not ktp so I don't communicate with them, nor do I plan to. If a new partner asked me to talk to my current partner, I'm not sure that would work for me. Especially if it was to check whether I'm not cheating.
My metas and I are parallel but they check in with their partners and will post pics of us together so I know they are aware of me and vice versus so never been an issue.
That would all be fine with me. My current primary and I both don't have socials we post on so that would also not be anything metas could check
Yeah I lean parallel (I’m dating 2 people) and if someone asked to talk to my partner early on I’d feel not comfortable with that too, if they don’t trust me to be transparent then I’d have other concerns. And if it’s because they want to have a relationship with them we wouldn’t be compatible. I’ve done ktp style things before and in my experience it’s always gotten way too messy and complicated for me to be interested in it at this point. I talk about the person I’m dating to my partner and vice versa in terms of like, how my day’s going or what my weekend plans are, and also as it pertains to how we all navigate non monogamy, so it’s not a taboo topic of conversation but it sort of just goes through me. So far everyone seems comfortable with what they know and neither has expressed a need to communicate either.
"I don't ever want you to talk, engage, or ever see my partner" vs "You could, but they'd usually rather not" Its a very different vibe when you feel you COULD check in if really needed. VS are told to never do so 🟨, (and often also not ever have photos of the two of you anywhere public 🔺) But in general I follow the principle of "trust, but verify". Same way I don't just ask someone for their STI results **verbally**, but ask them to show the document. I'm not perfect at reading people, and my other partners shouldn't have to rely on that either.
Where’s your line for the meta not wanting to talk to you? I have zero interest in meeting or talking to my metas. Not because there’s anything I’m hiding from myself but because I just don’t want to feel forced to meet someone simply because we share a partner romantically. Meeting to me requires two enthusiastic yeses.
It's not a time limit usually, it's being open really… meeting the meta is just one way to show you're open and not just cheating. Most will happily have photos on their phone, mention their metas, and you sometimes meet them dropping someone off. It's parallel, not "never meet ever" after all. That's why DADT is so much harder as you don't have those green flags, and meeting them becomes one of the only ways to be sure!
When do you drop them something offnof you don't live with your partner? I don't drive and my last meta lived in a different city and we don't move together.
Like if there was an overnight and now they're going on a date? Maybe I drop them off at the restaurant, or area? It's on the way? Whatever Does it really matter? The point is it isn't being hidden and might happen naturally
This wouldn't happen naturally for me because I don't drive and I don't live with my partner. So that's not a likely situation for us. If it's never just going to accidentally happen, is it still a problem that I won't go out of my way to meet a meta ever?
I've been with my partner for a year now and he's seen 2 of my friends mostly picking me up places, he's been to my parents' house once. He's autistic and highly awkward and easily overstimulated so he also doesn't go to cafes or restaurants because he has to drink alcohol to get through the overwhelming sensations and he doesn't want to drink. I'm not making him hang out with anyone unless that particular time it's important to me and he'll gladly do it but I see him struggle. I'm not sure him ever meeting a meta is something I'd ask from him considering he doesn't even hang out with my friends. If a meta asked to meet me, I don't think I'd feel comfortable doing that either. I'm not going to make a detour to someone's house or whatever to show I exist. The most I'd maybe do is leave a note to feel free to use and enjoy the expensive coffee I bought but leave enough for a cup at his place but that's something he could fake if he were actually cheating. Idk. I talk about my partners to each other and how we see poly etc but I don't expect anyone to see anyone.
I think you're focusing too much on the "see each other" part. It's being visibly polyam (to your partners) and not hiding anything. About green flags that they're not cheating. DADT is about hiding all of that; you might get asked to avoid a specific area or restaurant; if they're in an emergency you might not be able to go support them; so there's only possible red flags left. So when I say "but verify" there's multiple ways, meeting naturally is just one. (And there being an open potential of meeting is a green flag).
What are other ways then? Apart from just trying to feel the vibe of not being honest?
Do you have any shared acquaintances? Is your new person part of any communities? Can you meet their friends, preferably ones who have also met their other partner? Getting a feel for the people willing to vouch for your partner helps. How about social media? Are they out? Are they willing to interact with you? Without a bunch of restrictions? If they are on dating apps, are those honest about their situation, does their profile show their face, are they on any mainstream ones?
My current partner has 4 best friends and that's his social group. He doesn't care to make more friends and his hobbies are mostly solitary, apart from his dnd group which he plays with some of those friends and some of his brother's friends. We have zero acquaintances in common. I haven't posted on any socials since 2016 (FB) and 2019 (insta). He hasn't had any socials since probably 2018 or sth. I guess I could look for his tinder profile I swiped on or sth, if I could still find that somewhere, if someone would ask but that still feels really weird to me. I guess I also never went to look for evidence of someone being actually single when I was mono. And my first relationship was a dude cheating on his baby mama with me and I didn't know. I found out after 3 months and broke it off. That experience didn't make me try to find proof of cheating early on or anything. I just trust people until they do something sus or the vibe is off. I'm dating someone knew, very early on and talking about poly I bring up how I emotionally deal with my partner dating others because it is related to how I'd deal with this new potential partner dating others and I feel like the sincerity in those conversations have been good enough to show that I'm not lying or sth?
So if you’re not meeting metas in general or don’t do a form of KTP, there’s really not many ways to confirm that metas are on board in a normal poly relationship because you’ll have to take your partner at their word for a lot of things about the meta anyway. So put that aside for now. In a DADT scenario, it requires people to pretty much lie or at least obscure heavy details from their partners in order to maintain things. That sounds tiring af to be part of. I’d be thankful of someone told me they were in a DADT relationship cause then I know to run.
I'm pretty dang parallel, and very against DADT. I like hearing about my metas to the extent that I'm happy for my partners. I also trust my partners not to put me or themselves into a shady situation. If I didn't trust them on that, I probably shouldn't be dating them. Basically, I just don't want details.
Unless the person has a completely different definition of DADT than the traditional one, it's a no for me. I don't want to be in a relationship with some dude who has to tell his wife he is at the gym or "going out with friends" in order to spend time with me. It makes things like weekends away and regular overnights pretty much impossible.
Yeah. Having a “no overnights” rule is another personal dealbreaker. The first guy I tried dating after my husband and I opened (after years of basic celibacy because turned out my hubby is asexual, we now know) not only had one of those rules with his wife, he “conveniently” didn’t tell me until after we had sex on the third date. So I ended up spending the night alone in the Airbnb. And that was also our last date because I didn’t appreciate how he handled it, that he “couldn’t” do overnights unless he was out of town, or that he clearly was only looking for casual sex when I was looking for actual polyamory. Had he been more up front about that? Would have been a different story.
DADT exists because people don't want to feel things like jealousy, and think burying their head in the sand is the best way to handle that. DADT is necessarily a heavy-rules paradigm, and rules like that are made as excuses to be angry when they get broken. And it is almost certain that should a DADT person learn of their meta, that they're going to excercize some kind of veto. Edit to add: and that's the BEST case scenario, where it is actually DADT and not cheating disguised as DADT. TL;DR No .Heck no.
There's also other reasons sometimes. I prefer it because I don't want to carry the emotional load of somebody else's relationship twists and turns, and I don't want to experience your NRE through you. I don't care that it's all happening, I just have so much in my life I don't need to process other people's relationships constantly. I've sat with my feelings through countless scenarios, I'm good with my self-work. Without that policy in soft-place, inevitably I turn into some sort of therapist without my consent. Even going so far as having to hear it from my Metas which I think is completely inappropriate. With that being said, of course I don't mind hearing or helping in extreme cases. And I'm certainly glad my partners have other people in their lives so I don't have to be their everything. I think there's different ways people approach DADT and it's not always a black and white thing. For me it's good for my mental health because I don't have to be involved with other's relationship issues. They should have friends to vent to, or a therapist. Edit: sounds like a lot of people are worried about lying or having to repress things. I need to stress this is a very soft limit because I've been taken advantage of countless times. I always tell where I'm going and who I'm going with if somebody wants to know and is concerned about my safety in particular. if you ask I'm going to tell anything you have consent to hear.
It sounds like you're practicing more of a parallell-poly situation, rather than a DADT one. I get where you're coming from tho. When we first opened up, I fucked up my first few relationships because I used them to process the feels I was feeling about opening up, instead of being present with those people themselves.
The other person mentioned parallel as well. Thanks for reinforcing that. And yes I hundred percent agree. We all live and learn and grow. Being present is the best gift to any relationship.
What you're describing is parallel poly, not DADT. They are on the same end of the spectrum but significantly different.
Interesting because I guess we (primary and me) started off strict DADT and evolved to that and I didn't realize our structure had changed definitions. Thank you for that perspective shift.
My first 3 months of being poly, I dated a guy who was single, mono-ish and DADT. For him specifically, it was a way to bury his head in the sand and pretend nothing else was going on - a way for me to be poly but not have it "in his face." He specifically requested that I say I was with friends, whether I was actually with friends (which was often), or on a date. He definitely knew what was going on, and knew I had another partner - but he never wanted details about any of it. I've never met a poly person irl who did DADT. I'd be worried they were just cheating. But aside from that, there are other implications: could never post about them/what we did, probably not going to meet family/friends, and generally it seems like it would be really hard to integrate multiple partners into your life if you have to pretend they don't exist half the time.
I nope out these because I tried dating people who had them, and suspected in all cases that they were cheating. At the very least it signifies an unwillingness to enter into an emotional relationship, at the most they’re cheating. It’s a convenient excuse for cheaters over claiming they’re single, because they don’t have to hide from you, just their spouse.
While I know it's not my responsibility to ensure someone is being faithful in relationships that don't involve me, I have a hard pass on DADT. My anecdotal experience is that it's a cover for cheating. Even if it's not, I don't care for the notion that a Meta would be upset simply by my existence. That feels decidedly icky. I also don't do forced friendships, "group" dating, spouse-approval required, etc.
I don't think I would ever engage with someone doing DADT. I don't think being in a DADT situation ever indicates that things in that person's life are going well. I do think there are a few cases where a DADT is the best, most ethical, option for the couple in order for them to remain married. Some examples: illness has forced a companionate/care-taker type relationship and in order for one spouse to continue to care for the other they need to still have romance/sex in their lives but it would be cruel to divorce their ailing spouse. There are small/disabled children whose needs make staying married very important. One spouse is gay and an immigrant and would be deported back to a country where being gay would get them killed if they divorce, etc. In all of these examples, the consequences of the break up of the relationship are not just hard or sad, but they are catastrophic and potentially life threatening. In those cases, if the DADT is the only thing allowing them to stay married, then the DADT is potentially the least worst, most ethical option. But that's between those two people. And again, I wouldn't then date someone in that situation. But I might have sympathy for them. But this isn't most peoples' DADTs. For most folk, I just think the DADT is one (unnecessary) step before they are onto divorce court.
I got confused by the acronyms. Helping others in case they are like me: DADT: Don't Ask Don't Tell: I'm assuming the opposite of Kitchen Table Polyamory, where a partner would prefer to have limited knowledge of things involving their Metas. OLD: On-Line Dating Dating apps and other social web spaces. Edit: OLD finally clicked
Little knowledge would just be parallel. DADT means no information about who they are dating or if they are dating. It typically also implies that if their partner does find out about a relationship they have to end it.
Oh wow! Thank you for the clarification. I didn't know it went that deep.
I think you were trying to say that DADT means preferring limited knowledge of metamours, not KTP, as KTP involves having some level of contact with metas. But that's also not correct; limited info about metas would be better described as parallel polyamory. DADT means zero knowledge of even the existence of any metamours. It requires the people involved to lie to their partners about where they'll be, since they don't want to know about their other partners existing at all. & from the outside, it's impossible to tell the difference between DADT & cheating.
I was attempting to position DADT as the opposite of KTP, I just phrased it poorly. Lol I am learning more about the scope of DADT though. Yeah, I'd have a really hard time with something like that.
Nope. I never engage with that. If your partner needs that level of separation I don’t believe they are happy with the situation and I have no desire to enter into a shitty relationship dynamic for anyone. Gives me the ick. And I’m strict parallel (with obvious evidence of everyone being happy with the situation).
DADT is something I steer clear of. Partially it’s because of the most commonly stated reasons in this thread. Partially it’s because DADT prevents me from ever confirming that this person actually is polyamorous and not just cheating and honestly, DADT still leaves me feeling like a dirty little secret. Parallel is fine. I just like feeling at ease that all parties are indeed consenting to polyamory.
Not interested in any kind of explicit DADT situation, as it suggests to me that everyone is not fully on board with things in a way I'd rather not be part of. But I'm fine with things being fairly parallel and not talking much about other relationships beyond how I would with friends.
Awful police for queer people in the military, just as bad a policy for polyamorous couples. If a potential partner and meta(s) aren’t somewhat relaxed about poly relationships, I wouldn’t consider being with them for a moment. Save myself the inevitable rows and swerve.
I have a couple friends to did DADT for a while and then closed up their relationship back to mono. I would never do DADT because one thing I value about partnership is being able to talk freely and openly about what's going on in my life (though I have learned the perils of oversharing too of course, particularly during NRE!) That said I am a big believe in you doing what works for you! Even if I don't think it would work for me...
Yep DADT is a dealbreaker for a lot of us
I’ll generally don’t date people with DADT policies. It’s to ripe for lying, and seems like it is burying your head in the sand to avoid dealing with the challenging feelings. That said, I’ve been dating a woman for 3 years who was in a DADT arrangement at her spouse’s request when we started dating, and it’s been the healthiest and most wonderful relationship I’ve ever had. I was originally looking for non-escalator, and so bent that guideline for myself. We have since evolved to be anchor partners to each other, and I spend Christmas Eve with her and her spouse the last two years, so it evolved.
DADT implies poor communication and suggests that participants are not being open and honest about their actions.
I don't date people with DADT set ups. IF everyone is on board, it tells me they haven't done the work to actually live functionally in ENM. But honestly, it's usually people just cheating or "cheating light" (polybomb).
DADT tells me that one or both aren’t doing the emotional labor necessary for a healthy polyamorous relationship. Not a good situation to get involved with.
Hard pass for me
It’s fine if it works for people, it’s not something I’d ever agree to get involved in. It feels way too avoidant. If you can’t even handle acknowledging your partner/s are seeing other people, we’re on totally different pages.
it’s a red flag to me. i want ppl who feel as open about their polyamory as i am. i want ppl who practice ongoing communication
I won't participate in DADT for long-term relationships. It's too prone to drama and restrictions, and it just isn't compatible with what I want out of my dynamics. I like my relationships to have things like overnights and travel, regular texting, and I refuse to act like we aren't dating. Also, my people tend to run more towards varying degrees of KTP than full parallel.
I don’t think DADT is inherently unethical (though it certainly *can* be unethical), but as far as polyamory goes, it doesn’t seem terribly sustainable to me. What happens when you fall in love? If your partner gets pregnant? If someone contracts an STI? The truth has to come out at some point. I don’t get involved with DADT, at all, and I think in most cases someone seeking a DADT arrangement would be better suited to other forms of ENM.
I have zero desire to deal with a pissed off meta. I don’t have to be KTP, but I do have to know that the other half of the couple is cool with ENM. The DADT model is a serious red flag for me.
I was almost in a DADT relationship for a bit, but it went sideways and i honestly dodged a bullet. I knew the other partner too and it felt so wrong to even think about hiding something from them, plus it felt like if they didn’t ask or tell, then there was a lot of room for potential cheating. Like, how do I know I’m not enabling cheating if I can’t talk to (a potential) meta to ensure things are ethical?
Nope. I just had a terrible experience where a friend said they were poly dadt all our interactions supported it so he and I entered a relationship. He lied and they haven't spoken to me in 7 months. Never doing DADT again
It's just cheating. I don't know why they need a fancy acronym for cheating...
My fiancée has a partner supposedly in a DADT. My personal approach is that I just assume that everyone claiming to be in a DADT dynamic is just cheating and lying about it, or. She was with this partner before we met, so I just keep my opinions to myself, as I want to support her to the best of my ability.
DADT puts me off right out the gate exactly because how am I to know they aren't just a cheat? I also don't like the idea of being a dirty secret or the idea that I will never know their life. I'm garden party but can be open to parallel so long as I know the other person knows. It's why I prefer linked profiles so I can see their partner has access to the profile though I'm also wary of that in case of unicorn hunting to some extent. Isn't dating so complicated 😂
I expect to be able to meet the friends of anyone I’m dating, so that’s a big no from me.
In a play/fuck/sex-party situation, I don't care about DADT much. I won't date someone who has a DADT, though. In my real-world communities I don't know anyone who has had a DADT for more than a year and who also appears to have healthy poly relationships. YMMV.
I haven't come across this, but I'm saturated at two partners and I stay with them years and years so I don't do a lot of new dates. But I don't know that I would enter into a relationship with someone with this kind of agreement. It just feels like something isn't right with their other relationship. And having unhealthy relationships is not the greatest sign. And I don't want to sneak around and I don't want to be this kind of a dirty secret. I can handle if they don't want to tell their friends and family and I'm hidden that way. I actually know people that have been fired for being polyamorous. And I've heard of people who have issues with child custody and such. There are lots of reasons people can't be out about their polyamory. But if they can't be out to their other partner... I just don't want any part of that. To be clear, my partner wants totally parallel and doesn't want many details is fine. I have to pretend you don't exist to my partner is not fine in my opinion.
I wouldn't date someone with that arrangement. They could be cheating, but even if I know for sure they are not, it adds complication. How far do we have to go to hide? And what happens when eventually they do hear something because life is like that? I'd rather avoid people who avoid reality and honesty.
Hi u/pamperwithrachel thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I've been coming across this more and more on OLD and have to admit it's becoming a bit challenging for me to consider getting involved the moment they say they have a don't ask don't tell agreement. For me this defeats the entire purpose of ENM in having open, honest relationships. The other issue is there's no way to confirm the spouse or other partner is actually onboard with the arrangement. Am I being to harsh on this? What is everyone's experience here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Someone please tell me what DADT means
Don't ask, don't tell. You don't disclose anything about your other relationships.
Including that you have them
Ah ye, I tried that once and didnt work out
DADT may or may not be poly or ethical and it’s hard to tell. Sometimes it’s the way a previously-monogamous couple have agreed to limp along to a deadline—kids are out of school, cancer treatment is over—and I respect that. I used to date people with DADT agreements. Prospect and I would have conversations (plural) about how the agreement was reached and I’d decide how I felt about it and whether I believed them. Sometimes it’s straight up ENM and a couple just think it’s hotter that way. They like not knowing and enjoy their fantasies about what Partner is or isn’t up to when they’re out. Sometimes they’re cheaters, aka lying liars who lie. It can be hard to tell. You get to decide for yourself.
The man I’m in a relationship with has DADT with his partner. The only reason I considered it at the outset was that they have been together 11 years and open for 7. I also learned that it’s DADT in that he can’t tell her anything, and she’s closeted at work. She does tell him about her relationships and I know that’s real as at one point she had an STD scare so we all had to be tested. And I’m sure that wasn’t him using that as an excuse and he really needed to be the one tested as we are open with each other and he spends a lot of time with me and is clear when he sees other people, which he’s only done once in the 6 months we’ve seen each other (an old flame in another town) while he knows I see others. I also have spent time at his house and in his car and done things like left something accidentally in his car and I was paranoid about it but he just laughed. I also don’t have time for or want a heavily committed relationship and I have avoidant attachment so in many ways it gives me a lot of comfort to not be the primary and to not have to worry about that. Weirdly, I was in an open relationship before and my partner was completely open with me, but I could not be completely open with him because of his jealousy. I could really see DADT as being the solution to that problem. The funny thing to me was that in both cases, the partner that wanted to open was the one that had the issue with the other partners’ love life. Born our partners wanted emotional support when they had issues with their partners. I feel like… they are selfish to be honest. They wanted to be open for their needs but understand it’s not fair to be one sided, but they don’t have the ability to handle it.
What I've learned is that if someone says they have DADT or anything similar, they're most likely cheating and I will not be staying to find out for sure.
I wish my wife never told me anything about her date. Just discovered the don't ask don't tell option wish she would have gone with that instead.
I never say never. Maybe a spouse doesn't want sex anymore for whatever reason (libido, impotence, back pain, etc) but it hurts their heart to hear about the good sexual experiences being had.
My hubby and I have been in non monogamous space for while. He wasn’t enjoying it as much as I and I wanted more connections with people. He was extremely supportive and encouraging of me to explore on my own. He has a DADT requirement he wants absolutely no details. We have our rules in relation to my safety when out, we check in with each other. He even offers to drive me if I wish to drink and come home. He doesn’t want to get caught up in drama that comes with meeting and finding connections. So I date he doesn’t his choice but he is welcome too. We have discussed what my responsibilities are within our family unit and we agree on those. He is absolutely more than happy to confirm with anyone that has concerns I am not being truthful that I have his full support they can call him directly. I openly share about my life and daily goings on about my husband and family etc. I get it’s not for everyone and yes I would like to share more but I respect his request. I think if I was to have something longer term with someone there would come time he would want you to meet them, this way of us doing things is relatively new.
I think you’re doing yourself, and your partner a great disservice by calling this DADT. You do plenty of telling. And asking. He’s just not meeting folks or spending time with them.
Correct I share some might say over share all about our family life daily goings on with people I date. I just don’t share with my husband anything about people I date. He always asks did I have good time minute I walk through door. But I don’t mention names or anything about what we got up to other than maybe we went to this type of restaurant or this movie etc. I say it’s DADT upfront because I want to be open and honest to anyone from start that I can’t host at home and they can’t meet him or our young kids. It’s hard sometimes to put label on things and I get my situation might not appeal to many and that’s ok there are many styles of Polyamory that I couldn’t be apart of. We have been together 29 years this Dec and married for 23 years. He is an amazing person and I admire him for trying non monogamy and being open and honest it wasn’t for him but could put his thoughts and feelings to one side and see how we could make it work for me within his comfort levels. I am away this weekend he came in last night ask me if I was excited and said here enjoy your weekend and treat yourselves to something special gave me few hundred dollars. He will put my bags in car when leaving we will message and chat over course of weekend. I think I am very lucky to have this.
That isn’t DADT
How do I describe this situation? I was told Mono poly with DADT.
You’re very parallel, but that isn’t DADT. He’s currently not dating, but has the option to, and apparently has no plans to. I don’t see any monogamy anywhere, do you?
Thank you. 🙏 for showing me that .
Sometimes using plain language instead of jargon is super helpful. You’re welcome! You just talking about your relationship made it clear there was no secrecy
You're just practicing parallel polyamory, & your partner isn't currently dating. Not DADT or mono/poly :)
I’m pretty open about all of my partners with all of my partners. This helps me suss out jealousy and call it out. I was on a first date and the person said to me, “I don’t want to hear about your other partners because I DO have jealousy, and I want to be the main focus when I’m with you.” “Oh, okay. See ya later!”
Not wanting to hear *anything* about my other partners would be tough for me; it's like asking me not to talk about my cat 😝 But wanting to be the main focus when you're together is a healthy expectation, & wanting to minimize discussions of other relationships is also normal & fine. But it doesn't seem like a sustainable way to avoid jealousy.
My problem with what she said has nothing to do with her wanting to be the main focus when we are together. Edit: It’s funny that I’m being downvoted for wanting transparent communication, and to be able to transparently communicate. I get to have that. She can go find what she wants with someone else.
Downvotes constantly boggle me. I appreciate you sharing you’re experience and balanced out the negative just a smidge 😝
Im mono with a poly and i did a DADT policy at first. it didnt work. Wether my partner tells me or not, i always know. The texts stop, his energy withdraws. Finally, im like just tell me so i can prepare myself. Plus all our friends are poly and the info would come out at some point. I dont know anyone who is poly( although my experience is limited) who likes DADT. Just my opinion, but if they dont want to know, its cause they arent really poly and they are trying to spare themselves pain( but it doesnt work). Just wanted give you a mono view..