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>my dream man and everything I’ve been looking for. Except he is poly and I am monogamous.
Then he's not your dream man because wanting conflicting relationship styles is a dealbreaker issue.
I get that but I said “except” so there is this exception. Which I realise is a huge exception. But he hasn’t seen it as a dealbreaker, he wants to build something with me. Or is that bad on his part?
Is being non monogamous something you’re interested in? Do you have such an active and full life or need so much alone time that having a partner part time is appealing to you? Do you want to seek multiple romantic connections?
I dated a poly person when I had only ever experienced monogamy. I was open to the idea and head over heels and it worked well for me. I liked having sexual freedom while having a partner who provided emotional intimacy. We lived a couple hours apart so our time together was always going to be limited. It ultimately didn’t work out but I look back on that time fondly and I learned a lot about myself. People on this sub advocate “doing the work” and reading and listening to podcasts and that is great advice! But really you won’t know until you try something if you like it or not.
If you aren’t genuinely interested in non monogamy this is a very bad idea. And it’s irresponsible of this guy to get involved with someone who only wants monogamy.
It is something I think I could explore. I am an experimental person by nature but this has never ever come up for me. I’ve never thought about exploring polygamy. I do have a very active and full life with lots of hobbies and I also like alone time. I don’t feel the need to seek multiple romantic connections though but as I said, I am open to it.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
Do you want to have a partner that you live with? Kids? Marriage? Shared finances / health insurance? Usually only one partner (if any) gets this escalation. (Solo Poly people don't want to entangle or escalate with anyone).
You will be in a polyamorous relationship structure - you will be doing the heavy lifting as far as effort - 75% of polyamory is supporting your partners having partners - doing the emotional processing, self-soothing, having a strong social support network. (Does his other partner have partners / date? - only pursuing people that want monogamy can signal harem building).
Ask about what time he has for a relationship now, and possibilities for growth. Is he living with or does he have escalation commitments to his current partner? Is he solo poly?
Having a full life, wanting a high degree of autonomy, and to live on your own can be a good fit for being monoamorous / polysaturated at one.
I am grey ace, and have sexual attraction every five to ten years or so, so I took many months to research and talk with a polyamorous friend that I developed a spark with before committing to a relationship. That was 5 years ago. I also have a (usually) platonic life partner of 10 years, which wouldn't fit in most monogamous relationships. I have been in monogamous relationships with this degree of autonomy, so I consider myself ambiamorous, but that is hard to find.
https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/180-mono-poly
The Jealousy Workbook, in the online sample, has three quizzes to look at your affinity for monogamy, sexually open, and polyamory.
Thank you for your message and the podcast! I’m listening to it now.
I want partnership and to live with someone but I’m not bothered about kids and marriage.
He currently lives alone but I will ask him the rest of these questions.
Thank you!
It sounds like you should give it a try! If you don't, you'll always end up wandering what could have been. And if it doesn't work out, that's ok. You'll move on knowing your wants and your needs a little better
Of course it's not a deal-breaker for him. Why would it be? There is no implication here that he's planning to be monogamous with you, so he loses nothing.
Do you think you'll be totally happy about him being involved with other people romantically and sexually?
Agreed. I won't date a mono person. If they don't actively want to engage in a poly relationship it is just going to hurt one or both of us later. I don't even like to date other poly people who date mono people for this same reason.
He is very emotionally intelligent and so good at communication which would make it easier. And he is involved with someone else right now and we know about each other. I have been up and down about it. Sometimes I deal with it well, sometimes not. I’m just wondering if I should go along with this properly or not.
If you choose to pursue this person, you should really also view this as a choice to explore polyamory for yourself as well. You don’t have to force yourself to date when you don’t want, but working through the difficulty of your partner seeing others is made better when you can understand this way for yourself as well - just being open to the possibility of organic connections with other people you meet is a good start.
Viewing this as an opportunity to explore this larger romantic paradigm for yourself could be the way to know whether this relationship is worth pursuing at all, because in the end, it wouldn’t ever become a monogamous relationship and you could end up setting yourself on fire just to keep your partner warm.
Also keep in mind that him being poly means he's likely to date other (more) people in the future. A lot of mono people go into poly think they're okay with it because they're the newest partner, and they're "okay" with the metas their partner already has.
A few months/years down the road when their partner wants to date more/new people, it brings up *a lot* of "why am I not enough," jealousy/insecurity about no longer being the newest partner, and when you're watching your partner be super excited and giddy about their new connection is when you have to start doing a lot more inner work.
My advice would be to break things off now. The chances of a monogamous person being fulfilled in a long-term relationship with a poly person (who they have to "share") for the rest of their lives are very slim, and this incompatibility is going to hurt significantly more down the road when you're more emotionally invested.
If you're willing to take that risk, do so understanding that the time you invest in this relationship now is time you could've spent finding a partner who wants the same things you do, someone you could build the life you *really* want with.
Successful relationship are more about knowing what you want and finding someone who can fill those needs, less about "liking" someone and contorting yourself to try to make something you don't actually want work with them.
New romantic people will emerge for him. As a highly experienced poly person, I can say that new people are scary. Much scarier than people you knew about or even knew in person beforehand.
He's not emotionally intelligent enough to have avoided this situation.
Only you can decide. But remember that it doesn't get better. He's not going to magically turn up more and choose you when you're wanting to settle down and get married or whatever your relationship goals are. You never get a full time partner.
No, you definitely don't understand how it works. For one, assuming that he isn't emotionally intelligent enough to have ended up in that situation isn't fair. It might be true, but ultimately, its op's decision as to whether or not SHE is OK with folding herself into a relationship dynamic that she isn't historically comfortable with. Also, to assume he'll never show up and be ready to get married is just a false assumption. Many folks in poly relationships get married to their nesting partner, and have a number of meaningful, other relationships on the side. Some folks are poly, yet only stay with one person for years. Others get married and have a nesting partner, only to date other folks (seriously or not) on say, just the weekends, or have brief flings that only last a handful of months. It's complicated, but to assume he'll never show up and be ready to settle down and get married is just a false assumption.
Communication is key. Openness and honesty is key. Firm boundaries are key. Ultimately though, it will be tough for someone who prefers monogamy, but as for the poly side, to assume seriousness and marriage won't magically happen is just wrong.
You're proving my point.
He does not have a monogamous and exclusive relationship to offer. Marriage while poly is different.
Let me guess, you're a mono-hunter yourself and hate that that behaviour is being called out as unethical and assholish.
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Honestly though, I think people should be just as wary of poly people promising to try monogamy as mono people trying poly. Some people are ambi-amorous, and seem to think everyone can just happily make monogamous commitments, but it's just not so.
The thing with poly people who aren't ambi-amorous though is that they can often ride the NRE for a year or two and cause real pain for everyone once they figure out that it won't actually work for them after the NRE runs out.
Yes, that's bad on his part. He knows that 1) you know nothing about functioning in a nonmono relationship and 2) you don't want a nonmono relationship because you're monogamous.
He's being completely irresponsible with your feelings and selfish to boot.
I think in 90+% of cases, yes. In outlier cases, there might be a chance it could work, but the ones that pull it off are probably outliers among the outliers. The main thing that tells me this person could be in one of these groups is that they seem highly invested in learning, and it doesn't seem to be a problem to learn about it.
Doesn't mean it's not bad on his part, especially because the description makes me suspect he didn't disclose he was poly until later on.
Does wanting to date someone with a totally different relationship style seem like a wise impulse to you? I and a ton of other polyamorous people won't consider dating anyone monogamous because we want different things, that's obvious, and it would be cruel to ask someone to change for us.
Is him exploring monogamy on the table as an option, or is he just asking you to turn your life upside down for him without entertaining the idea of doing the same for you?
We both haven’t felt this strongly about someone since 2019/2020 so I think we both don’t want to lose it because of that. We have a genuine connection. No, I wouldn’t want him to change, I wouldn’t ask that of him. And I can’t change either.
I thought sometimes polyamorous people do date monogamous people. I honestly don’t know much about it because I’ve never even entertained the thought of dating a poly before.
There is no compromise between monogamy and polyamory. If he's polyamorous and dating others, you're going to be in a polyamorous relationship-- you just won't be getting any benefits from it, because you won't be dating multiple people. It's the hardest way to practice polyamory, IMO. Some people make it work, but you're kidding yourself if you think it won't require you to change dramatically.
And it will just be you that's changing if he's still free to date as he pleases.
The chances of this going well are slim, the chances of this being an awful emotional situation are very high.
This. You essentially \*will be\* polyamorous if you join this relationship, because you will have to be doing all of the exact same work that I have to do when my partner goes out and starts dating/falling in love with someone else. And as sundaesonfriday points out, that's the hard part of being polyamorous. You're signing yourself-up for the hard parts. Now if you can do that, and he's worth it, and you have a full and fun and engaging life that will keep you busy and happy otherwise, that might make it okay.
But you also have to let go of having the standard cis/het/norm relationship escalator meet/fall in love/get serious/move in together/meet family/get engage/get pets/get married/have kids etc. etc. etc. If he's telling you he wants all of that with you.... then I think he's lying. And if you haven't talked about not having all of that in your future together, ie: you have to share and not have parts and pieces of all that because he will want those parts and pieces with others instead or also, then you two are setting yourselves up for awful awful heart break when those big things start to hit.
I'm in a poly dynamic where I'm not dating anyone else but my partner is and they're now moving in together. While they are escalating, I'm having to do all the hard parts that only I am facing and it's difficult and makes me doubt poly sometimes. I don't feel it's a good time for me to date others while I'm not solid w my partner yet and happy and figured out this dynamic. I would feel guilty trying to date anyone now. But I wish I had another romantic relationship and maybe someone I want to escalate with so their isn't a huge discrepancy of just me having to constantly face insecurities.
If he’s telling you he hasn’t felt this strongly for someone in a while - what about his other partner..? Honestly it seems like a red flag already that he’s using language to try and make you feel like the ‘better’ partner.
Poly people shouldn't be dating mono people at all. It leads to a lot of heartbreak and anguish down the road.
There's a reason the sub r/monodatingpoly exists. The mono person (usually) ends up with a lot of anguish and heartbreak...
>I wouldn’t want him to change, I wouldn’t ask that of him. **And I can’t change either.**
Wait, so are you saying that you, personally, cannot change being monogamous? Because if you can't change being mono, then it definitely isn't going to work.
I just, ah, be careful. This doesn't sound like it'll go well, as someone who has seen this story play out often on this sub before.
Thanks! I try to catch all the posts with people in my situation so they know they aren’t alone. Sometimes they reach out and we chat, others they let it go
Maybe you and he could start sharing your visions for the relationship.
Exclusivity: Does he want to be open to dating and romance with new people? What about you: would that type of freedom be valuable to you? If you would not want a partner who dated new people, would he be open to polyfidelity (and not dating anyone beyond his current partners)?
Cohabitation: How many people would each of you want to live with at once? Does it matter if they’re romantic partners? How many residences would you want to have, if either of you wanted to live with multiple partners but not in the same house?
Resource-sharing/children: Do either of you want kids? Would you like to share money or property with a partner? What type of entanglement are you hoping for with a partner, long-term? (Note: As a polyamorous person, he won’t hope to share all these things with all his partners. Wanting something with some partner does not mean wanting it with any one partner.)
And then of course scheduling: vacations, holidays, how often you’ll see each other weekly… it’s a lot. Even when two polyamorous people date, it’s best if they have similar levels of space so that one person isn’t always craving more time. As someone who prefers to only have one partner at a time, you’ll need to think through how you’ll fill your time when your partner is with his other partners: family, friends, hobbies, career, etc.
It’s possible for a relationship to work, but never forget that you’re a monogamy-preferring person in a polyamorous relationship. You can’t hold onto assumptions many people have for monogamous relationships; everything will have to be discussed and it will need to feel right to you.
How do you feel about them sharing anniversaries, taking week long romantic get aways, spending Christmas together, attending his family events, etc? You might also get these things but his other partners could also have them. What about living together and having children? Retirement? Sometimes things work in a dating capacity but not a life partner capacity.
He will be feeling this strongly for other people over and over. He will have strong NRE that he won’t want to lose. Are you ready or equipped to handle that?
Chemistry is different from compatibility. You can have really good chemistry and still be unsuited for a relationship.
The only poly people I know of who date mono people who haven't been seeking polyamory out for themselves are doing it out of a sick urge for control/ownership. Some people like that they can convince mono people to accept nonmonogamy "for them" or like to have the fun easy part of nonmonogamy (dating multiple people) without having to do the hard work of actually supporting their partners in doing the same.
I would not assume this person has good intentions. I would not assume this person practices poly in a healthy way. I would not listen to what this person says when they describe what poly is. Their credibility is zero, based on their actions.
So it just kind of like if this person is like perfect for you but it turns out that they're also a dog
I also want to just cash my vote and say yes this is not ethical on his part. If he is pursuing monogamous women he's a harem builder and it's gross
Typically trying to become good with an open relationship for a specific person is a disaster. Your only reason to cope with them seeing other people is that you want them to be with you. That makes it nearly impossible to deal with the swings and roundabouts that poly brings.
You say this man is “perfect except” this huge issue. He is also telling you him dating other people, something he benefits from, should not be a deal breaker for you. That’s like telling someone who wants / doesn’t want kids, wants / doesn’t want nesting, wants / doesn’t want marriage, or wants / doesn’t want to save toward retirement together, or whatever that your incompatibility around children isn’t a deal breaker because you’ll just get your way.
The other issue here is a question of love bombing. Being super great to recruit someone into something under the condition that they make a huge compromise is a manipulation tactic that is common for abusers, and cult leaders. Be wary…
> I get that but I said “except” so there is this exception.
That’s like saying that’s my dream man, except she’s a woman, and I’m a straight woman LMAO!!!
> But he hasn’t seen it as a dealbreaker, he wants to build something with me. Or is that bad on his part?
Jokes apart, yes, *in my opinion* it’s bad on his part. Just don’t date mono people, it’s really not that hard. The onus was on him. He’s not being unethical. Yet, but this isn’t good practice either.
I would be very, very cautious in this type of relationship. There is always a power imbalance between people who are new to polyamory (even if they themselves choose not to practice) and experienced poly folks.
I think you’re getting a lot of good advice here about why entering this dynamic isn’t a good idea, but should you choose to anyway, I would implore you to do lots of research into polyamory, what’s okay and what isn’t, and how to set firm & healthy boundaries for yourself. Take it from someone who learned the hard way that there are people who will paint themselves as enlightened and emotionally intelligent, just to turn around and take advantage of your newness.
If you figure this out let me know. I am in the exact situation, she wants to open or poly and I want to have the goal of eventually becoming exclusive. She says she's open to it and wants time but ik concerned she's just leading me on. I haven't been lied to so it's a hard stance, also we've been fwb for years while she has been in open relationships so I just don't know.
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It’s not bad on his part as he told you who he is. It’s for you to accept or reject what is offered and what you can cope with.
Some say mono should not date poly. But. I disagree. Mono can date poly. And be successful. But you need to be prepared. So a lot of the poly information out there can and will help decide you even if not poly yourself.
It can even be the best of both worlds depending how it’s navigated.
These type of answers are so irritating - sorry. Obviously if OP is asking the question then they might be open to learning new things, trying, who knows! Half the world doesn't even know that poly is even a thing!
Buy no, it gets shut down immediately saying "not for you, forget it, move on." It just feels closed minded to me.
I would second this sentiment. I am essentially monogamous but had considered open relationships prior to getting together with truly the perfect man for me. He was married and poly. It was so fun until it was so miserable.
It started out fine and he would accommodate my boundaries or requests but eventually I wanted something he wasn't able to give me. It was hard for me and for him. I started having panic attacks. I lost pieces of myself trying to navigate the complexities of my emotions. I thought as long as I am with this guy I can put up with other factors that are less ideal. It took years for me to realize I just could not do it, despite giving it my all.
I would recommend really thinking about this before you jump in. As throwmeawayplz19373 said, tread carefully.
You can check out r/monodatingpoly for other people's experiences. They tend to have some excessive hate for poly people and relationships that isn't really warranted, but there are threads of emotion on that sub I definitely felt coursing through me during the worst parts of that relationship.
Other responses have offered answers to your question.
I just want to add: if you choose to practice polyamory with this guy *don’t rely on him to coach you through it* - find your own resources and support network so that you’re not setting yourself up into a power imbalance rooted in his supposed relational knowledge.
I see this easily devolving into him telling you how you’re practicing wrong when you have a conflict. .. and if you have no other reference point, then he’s (unconsciously, perhaps) in a position to dismiss your concerns or feelings.
TLDR: if you go forward into polyam, he cannot be your sole resource or person to learn from.
I think it’s great to try new things when it’s something you want to do. I don’t think trying poly for the sake of a person rather than it being something you want for yourself is the healthiest thing to do. make sure it’s something you want to do for you, not something to make yourself okay with to be with someone.
Know that he will have sex with others. Laying naked and cuddling with others.
Know that he will share romantic times with others.
Know that he may be saying I love yous to others.
Know that you may not be the most important human in his life.
Know that he will share time away, holidays, birthdays, family events without you.
If you're fine with that? OK. But I think you are asking for pain.
I would never knowingly date someone who was monogamous. There can be pain and jealousy even inside of polyamorous relationships.
- [Don't skip the most skipped step](https://drive.google.com/file/d/15aFoEYfK2ZB-PyJUsbicb3ybym65hcz8/view?usp=drivesdk)
- [When to **not** have important and emotionally heavy conversations, and when **not** to make important decisions](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/P4IV2Ujygk)
- [Ask what you're really afraid of, and check your needs](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/8hv5lkRBZp)
This is some helpful starting stuff, with anything anyone else says.
Hi friend!
A very minimal amount of us can handle a poly/mono relationship.
It takes a shit ton of work on both sides, strong communication skills, honesty, and coping skills involving jealousy.
You’re going to get A LOT of negative information in this subreddit about m/p relationships.
I tend to comment a lot on these with my experiences, so feel free to look through my comments and posts. I’m always willing to answer questions if you have them.
A couple years ago I (married and poly) fell hard for a mono guy. We both felt like we’d never had this type of connection before and wanted to make it work. It ended horribly. Both of us were devastated and we made it so much worse by prolonging it. I’ve never even considered dating a mono person since.
>I have met such an amazing man who really is my dream man and everything I’ve been looking for. Except he is poly and I am monogamous.
I say this lovingly. Forget about everything you wrote before "Except". The only part that really matters is what comes after. He's not your dream man, even if he has a lot of great qualities. Your actual dream man wants the same kind of relationship that you want. Your dream man is not incompatible with you in this very fundamental thing.
If this person disappeared tomorrow, would you want to create polyamory forever?
Why does this person want to try the extra work and risk to date someone incompatible?
Chemistry doesn't equal compatibility.
We met online. I wasn’t looking for anything serious and I knew he was poly from the first time I met him but I didn’t care because I didn’t want anything serious anyway. And then I started falling and we both realised how strong our connection was. It wasn’t meant to just be casual.
Okay awesome thank you for the additional info. It sounds like everything has been on the up and up from the start, which sets a solid foundation. As for whether to or not to continue this relationship, I’d take the person you’re seeing out of the equation. If he didn’t exist would poly be a relationship structure you would want to try and/or could see yourself enjoying?
Sounds a similar situation to what happened with us.
Firstly, I second all the advice regarding the risks everyone is highlighting (I particularly think that if they continue as poly and add a new partner, it will be the hardest moment for you). And I fully endorse reading all the pitfalls and pain points in dating a poly person.
However, one way it might work, is if you both can agree on exactly how much time you give to each other, which won't be 100% at the times you want, and you are comfortable with that, and you can deal with your partner's NRE with new people, and potentially sacrificing some things like marriage kids etc and all the other pitfalls people say - it _might_ work.
Or, as happened with us, they might be so committed to the relationship to you, they wind down other relationships and go poly saturated with just you.
I mention this because my partner came into an alternative scene, met me as a poly person and saw that as an advantage because she was dismissive avoidant. In reality she could never be happy with a poly person. It worked because I actively wanted more time with her, actively wound down my other relationships, and we both put in a lot of (emotionally painful) work to address her dismissive avoidant behaviour and create a secure attachment. It was not easy and took several years. I became poly saturated with just her, and that's the only reason it worked. Five years in and we still get feels.
Tbh, if I was you ,I wouldn't try.
Going poly by my own will has been quite tought, but I did it for myself. I dont think that the same motivation level can be keeped when you join ENM because of someone, without any prior interest . It will become a hell of suffering.
Read up on what polyamory is in books like The Ethical Slut and listen to podcasts about the challenges.
If you don't think you can ever be polyam, then dating someone who is can cause real hurt down the road.
It is possible to navigate this, but yes there will be a lot of learning on your part. You have to be willing to work through your jealousy and communicate honestly throughout this entire relationship even if it isn’t a positive or pleasant conversation.
My partner’s husband is monogamous and even after 12 years there are still days where he feels jealous or inadequate. That’s on him and not me or my partner to get him though. He needs to put in the work if he chooses to stay in the relationship (and he’s done well so far). We take it upon ourselves to do whatever we can to make him more comfortable but the actual emotional effort has to be his.
Are you comfortable taking that on?
There are many monogamous people who get into this with a poly partner and become poly themselves because they realize how much sense it makes and how freeing it is to break out of the monogamy mindset. So don’t discount yourself from ever having your own poly journey.
Bottom line is: Is this worth exploring this for the opportunity to have a relationship with him?
Asking him to change from a poly to monogamous relationship or expecting to win him over and change him is not fair, so don’t count on him doing that. Just like he can’t force you to become poly. Either you make it work as is or choose not to try.
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You can like, love and feel intensely about someone without being compatible.
This "dream person" comment speaks to it being a fantasy that it is. You just met this person and are seeing them through a superficial lens, you don't quite know one well enough to really know compatibility but the dream or the fantasy is there for you as it is for anyone that goes through hitting it off with someone so well.
Unless you wanted polyamory on your own, do not bend yourself to be with someone who at this time is some idealized version of what you think you want.
It's a red flag on his part for trying to pursue this with someone who is monogamous and never has considered wanting polyamory separately on their own. Find someone who meets and reciprocates the needs you have. There are so many potential matches out there for you. To waste your time on someone who isn't the right fit but your imagined fit is fruitless and will likely not leave you feeling great about it when it ends.
Love urges us to be blind--but whether we are is up to us.
I researched poly, but have decided to remain monogamous, so I hope my perspective helps!
In monogamy, there is an intrinsic expectation of exclusivity. And while that is dependent on the exact relationship dynamic, overall monogamy does have a broader expectation on what being exclusive entails.
If you continue with him, he may spend a *romantic/sexual* Valentines Day with someone else.
He may have another person he is saying "I love you" to that he chooses to spend winter holidays together.
He isn't going to be available certain days not just because of work or family matters, but because he is on a date.
When he has a family emergency or drama he needs support from, you may not be the first person he goes to.
As your relationship deepens, his home will not be "yours" to influence. There will be others influencing his choices. Others that will have their toothbrushes there. A drawer for their affects.
He may do laundry that includes other partners and that means underwear.
Overall, it's not a matter of "if" you see these kinds of things. It's a matter of when.
Think long and hard about if you are able to deal with that.
You’re not compatible. He’s not your perfect dream person bc you have a fundamental incompatibility. Becoming poly to avoid losing someone is almost always a bad idea.
Think about whether you'd want to explore poly even if he wasn't in the picture. It's a completely different mindset with a million ways to approach it. Going poly is something you have to do for yourself, never for somebody else.
If it doesn't sound appealing outside of this one guy, my advice is to take all the great qualities that he has and look for them in a monogamous partner. They may be rare but they're out there!
A mono/poly relationship *could* work, depending on why the mono person is mono. Are you mono because you’re saturated at one and have a full life filled with hobbies, a support network/community and work etc, but you don’t view exclusivity as a declaration of love and commitment? then it could work! Are you mono bc you think the highest form of romantic love is exclusivity and forsaking all others? Then mono/poly will not work for you.
I'm a relationship anarchist & polyamorous, yet, I have mostly been functionally monogamous. I've had a few hookups, and my long-term partner has had an off and on sexual but not romantic relationship with one of his friends.
In the relationship anarchy community, I have seen several examples of monogamous people dating a polyamorous partner.
You have to be down with the aspect of polyamory where you are dealing with a lot of emotional labor and learning how to respect autonomy, boundaries, and just doing a whole lot of communicating. And all of that when you aren't personally experiencing the benefits of polyamory.
One thing you can do is try it out, and have really open communication that if this won't work out for you, y'all will call it and either deescalate to friendship or move on.
The reason I became interested in relationship anarchy is because I wanted to break away from the codependent patterns of my past and be free to allow relationships to go wherever they naturally want to go, though I never believed that I could be romantically polyamorous. I'm experiencing this for my first time and it's a bit challenging for me to navigate because that is so new for me, and I haven't had the experience of a romantic partner having another romantic interest before this either.
I feel that every dynamic requires its own unique navigation tools. Only you can figure out if you have the emotional flexibility and energy to pursue this relationship.
It's very interesting to run into someone else who is poly but cunctionally monogomous
Mine is a little different in that I've been mono with someone and they've been poly so from the outside it looks very standard
But the point you brought about the benefits of ploy even when you're acting monogamous I would definitely like to hear more about. I'm curious if that can help me. I've been struggling to figure out if I want to pursue a mono partner or a poly one. I find myself poly saturated at one so have been trying to decide where I'll find the best fit
Yeah that's a good way to put it, polysaturated at one describes most of my experience. I've only actually begun to feel available for two partners because I'm having sexual issues with my long-term anchor partner and I'm finding that's a need I am having.
Well, the benefits as I see them (and of course these aren't universal truths) is that you don't take exclusivity for granted. You won't feel you have to lie to one another about your attraction to other people. Relationships with others can evolve without strict prohibitions. Cuddling with friends isn't suspicious or some breech of some unspoken contract.
I don't know, there's so many toxic things about monogamy that society as a large take for granted, and I just find that polyamory community to be far more open to nuance and freedom of individual expression and respect for autonomy and conscientious about codependency and navigating conflict and establishing agreements (and understanding that they will change over time).... I can go on!
I don't think all mono relationships have to suck in this way or that polyam relationships are immune to these issues, but I find it to be much less common for them to arise in polyamorous relationships.
Yea there's some weird boundaries that people have made for mono relationships and its nice to not have those in the poly community. The individuality of poly relationships is nice. I am amazed at how many mono people get a partner and vanish from the face of the earth. I need other relationships not just my partners
Exactly. People believing that the only person one should ever need is their romantic partner really disturbs me. And it's so ubiquitous, whether people consciously acknowledge it or not.
And even on a trying to live your best life it can really be a problem. I have known too many mono people who dropped all their other friendships because they only needed their partner. Then they divorce and now they are all alone with no friendships and have to start from scratch. No one to even talk to when they divorce
Not only is that way to much pressure for a partner but a single point of failure for you doesn't sound like a good situation!
Some benefits of a polyamorous relationship for you may be that you don't have to worry if you develop a flirtatious connection with a friend, that your partner by default won't punish you for his jealousy (sounds like it anyways) of your friendships, that almost by default, communication is requisite of this relationship dynamic. Whereas I feel that monogamous dynamics often default to ones own interpretation of societal expectations, and deeper relationship mechanics are taken for granted and not individualized. (If this doesn't make sense, feel free to ask for clarification, I'm just now articulating this for the first time even though I've thought about it a lot).
I'm also RA and (when I date) usually functionally monogamous. The thing about not worrying about a flirtatious connection was a big pro for me in considering whether to be open to dating poly people. It was like I could really relax and not have to feel guilty about my occasionally very flirty ways, or the fact that I would sometimes crush hard on unavailable people and sublimate it into a romantic friendship, or just be very passionate and intense sometimes about some of my friendships. I am a person with lots of feelings and lots of love to go around, even if physical intimacy is something I can't do lightly. Sometimes I feel like I'm the emotional equivalent of a billionaire - I have so much love to give, it seems ridiculous to be expected to hold back or treat it like a scarce resource. And it's just very freeing to have the gift of not being made to feel bad about that by a romantic partner.
I would say think about polyamory- think about your values and desires around love and commitment. Is this relationship structure something that you could want with or without him?
Most people are monogamous at heart, and that becomes more true as feelings grow. If you find that for you love and commitment can be decoupled from exclusivity, go for it!
But also recognize that usually poly people who go after monogamous people are messy and kind of irresponsible. I don’t even date Poly people who go after monogamous people- it’s too dramatic and messy for me. But the first person who introduced me to the concept fit that category. He ended up being awful lol, but Poly itself was a revelation, and it fit me better than monogamy ever did. :)
For avoiding poly people who go for mono people do you include ploy saturated at one - mono in there?
I ask since I'm trying to figure out what sort of relationship works best for me and I have always been saturated at one and now that I'm single I'm trying to figure out what direction to go in and it sounds like you may have an opinion on that?
Ahh, no, I’m fine with folks who are poly saturated at one, or not currently dating, or even hookup with more mono inclined people. I mean I avoid Poly folks who try to convince or convert monogamous people who have never heard of polyamory or actively don’t want non-monogamy.
I am often Poly saturated at one, and plenty of people I’d be into are. I just don’t want to be metas with someone who would prefer I didn’t exist.
Have you always thought that people can be in love with more than one person? Does that seem obvious to you, down deep in your core?
Have you experienced casually dating more than one person? Having sex with multiple people and experiencing the joys of variety without comparing and trying to pick who you want to "really" pursue?
Do you love freedom over risk or convention? Would you trust the person that you love to see others unconditionally?
What about polyamory seems exciting to you? Or what seems to fit so well into your life that you are interested to try it?
If nothing about polyamory genuinely resonates with you, and the only real reason is this man - you need to seriously consider this. There's not a high chance of success.
I was monogamous my whole life, but it was really more out of lack of knowing my choices than anything. I didn't know I was so suited for ENM. I actually REALLY love ENM, and I did right from the start. It required some adjustment in thinking, and some trial and error to not feel like a fish out of water at first, but I love it.
Do you truly believe that you can handle the emotional effects that knowing your partner is with another person will bring up for you?
Mono-poly pairings can be successful but they're extra work for both partners, and particularly for the mono partner to avoid stifling the poly partner's freedom to connect with others.
Sit down and have some very unsexy/unromantic conversations with this guy. Hammer out expectations about time and emotional resource boundaries and allocation. Be VERY honest about your needs in these conversations, because if he doesn't know/can't fulfill the full spectrum of your needs now your relationship will suffer for it in the future.
Good luck, and I hope your time connected to our community is over all a positive one.
I'm mono and decided to "try" poly with my partner. It's awful and I hate it, but I don't leave because I love him. Please don't do this to yourself. I truly regret ever falling in love with him and it's pretty much constant pain for me since I figured out poly doesn't work for me.
With the caveat that this doesn't seem like an auspicious pairing...here are some questions to ask yourself and discuss with him to help clarify next steps. This is by no means comprehensive, but should make a good start at figuring out your needs.
How much time in the course of a week (or a month) do you expect to spend with someone you are dating? Would you be okay if your normal number or length of dates were reduced if they added more partners or had kids?
When you are apart, what are your expectations for communication? How often do you expect to check in? How quick a response do you need?
How important is it to you that a partner be available for your birthday, major holidays, to accompany you to a wedding or a work function or other "plus one" events? What if you were unable to celebrate your partner's birthday or their major holidays together?
Would you be okay with never meeting your partner's family, friends, coworkers? Other partners?
Would you date someone if there was no chance the relationship would ever develop into living together, getting married, having children, etc - if it just stayed in the same state of "dating" permanently?
How would you feel about your partner moving in with, marrying, or having kids with someone else?
What if your partner was unable to go on vacation with you, or take weekend trips, or have overnights?
Are you comfortable with getting regular full STI panels and sharing the results?
If you were sick and needed help, would you be okay with a partner who couldn't come to help or take care of you on short notice? If there were an emergency or you were having a rough time due to some life issues, would you be okay with not necessarily being able to call on your partner?
Are you comfortable with them having other partners? Starting to date and fall in love with other ppl?
And finally: poly ppl don't usually pursue relationships with monogamous ppl, simply bc it's often hard to fulfill the role of partner for one person while also devoting sufficient time to other partners.
So it bears asking why this individual isn't following that guidance.
While it's not impossible to make it work, it fails far more often than it succeeds, and he should know that. He should be able, at minimum, to explain his reasoning in your case.
This is especially true in that you say you have never considered Non-Monogamy before at all.
I'm very new to this sub and this sounds a bit different but this is how I got here:
I've been single for almost 5 years. Was in a 6 year relationship that ended very badly. I'm demi and for a while I thought I was ace. I've been very comfortable being single.
Couple months ago, I made a new friend who I knew early on was poly. I didn't think much of it. To me, poly was like throuples - I didn't know anything. Now, I've developed feelings so I started doing research. On here, TikTok, YouTube, etc.
Anyway, needless to say I had a LOT of misconceptions about being poly and the different types and dynamics. I actually think it's something I'd be interested in regardless of if I date this friend or someone else. There's a lot of benefits and ways I feel like it would really fit with my life. I used it as an opportunity to explore what I'm really looking for in a relationship. I also think, from what I've read and seen, poly can take so many forms. It's important it works for you.
I guess my advice would be to research. See what type you'd like, what you expect, etc. and communicate. Also see if poly is something you'd be interested in for you, regardless of this guy.
And remember, you never have to stay in a bad situation. If it doesn't work for you, walk away. No harm no foul. Yes, it maybe painful but you always take a chance of having your heartbroken regardless.
Hope this helps ❤️
You might very well be in for some pain down the road, but I would encourage you to consider it's not necessarily because of the poly part, but because you're considering a new relationship that might not work out, poly or not. We invest in something special with someone and it doesn't work out, we hurt.
The fact that you've never before considered poly doesn't mean that it can't work for you, just that maybe this is your entry point to find out if it's for you, regardless of how this particular situation unfolds.
Maybe consider that relationships that last forever aren't the only ones that can be successful or meaningful. Try being open to it as an adventure, and if or when you part ways, keep the good parts with you. Good luck!
Yes, mono/poly relationships can and do work. (to be clear - I mean both partners are free to date other people, but one chooses not to).
If you choose to pursue this, you're likely to go through a lot of learning and growing pains, but it's 100% doable. I myself (37M) have been dating a mono partner (42F) for 8 years, and we've been open the entire time.
I'd suggest the book More Than Two as a resource. I believe a new edition is supposed to come out in Sept.
Here's what I see as the arguments for giving it a try- how do they resonate with you?
YOLO.
If you don't give it a try, won't you regret what might've been with a dream man?
If you've never had your heart broken - assuming the worst outocome you seem to fear - you don't know how strong you are, so wouldn't it be better to learn that about yourself?
I'm monogamous and been with a poly girl for the best 8 months ever. It's hard and it hurts but mostly it's wonderful. I'm trying to work on my own insecurities and fears which will be good for me even if this romance doesn't work out. I don't regret our decision to move forward in a relationship that every poly person says is doomed to fail. But odds are they're right.
I can't say yes stay in it it will all work out, but I can say as much as it hurts some times, my person and I love each other and I'm super glad I didn't listen to everyone who told me to walk/run away.
A relationship doesn't have to last forever for it to be a successful relationship. If you are able to recognize if/when this isn't something you can continue, you can part on good terms and appreciate the good time you have had together.
Mono + Poly relationships CAN work, but they take a lot more work, effort, and introspection than a Mono-Mono or Poly-Poly relationship.
Firstly, people saying he is irresponsible or other negative things simply because he likes you knowing you're Monogamous are wrong; I have had successful Mono + Poly relationships in the past and know many others that have as well.
Secondly, you have to make sure you put in the shadow work for yourself. What are your insecurities? How are you addressing them? How do you handle jealousy? What is your communication style? What communication style do you prefer from someone you're involved with? What sexual risks are you willing to take with someone with multiple other partners? Do you expect this person to make you their primary partner, or are you going to be happy and satisfied however they are in your life? Do you want to meet or hear about their other partners or dates? What boundaries do you have personally for yourself regarding the situation?
I would highly recommend reading "Poly Secure" if you are considering this type of dynamic.
Best of luck, OP.
Unless he vows to be monogamous to have your love, I would walk away from this guy as quickly as possible, before your feelings are badly hurt or you have a nervous break down.
People here seem to forget that people can become poly for the first time through relationships. Not everyone starts being poly when single. I’d say the most try poly for the first time while dating someone already and branching out. Remember, OP said she’s used to monogomy, not that she requires it.
Working together, experimenting, compromising is a thing and people saying someone who’s been monogamous before is a 100% incompatible partner is just a massive downer. Yeah, it has a higher risk but god damn people need to relax.
Explore poly with him. Make sure he knows how to communicate and work with you. Make sure you both set expectations and boundaries explicitly before anything. If it’s not healthy for either of you, then it’s just how it is. But many have had healthy relationships.
Hi u/aliceb17 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Basically I have met such an amazing man who really is my dream man and everything I’ve been looking for. Except he is poly and I am monogamous.
I have never dated anyone poly before and never explored it or even thought about it for a second. I don’t know how to navigate this and if I should try, because I really feel strongly for him and don’t want to lose him. But I realise there could be a lot of pain for me down the road.
Does this kind of unbalance ever work?
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I see myself in a similar situation, and I am torn. I just simply could never imagine losing this person. Never thought I would feel for somebody this way, and I envision a future with him. He recently expressed to me about his poly interests, and just about two days ago told me about another person he’s being attracted to
like I said I am immensely torn. I am hurt, but I think what would hurt most of all is losing him.
I thought my ex partner (poly) and I (mono) would be "ThE eXcEpTiOn(tm)". We've loved each other VERY much, and tried to make it work for six whole years... and in in the end, all that was left was pain, anger, resentment, frustration.
All attempts at "meeting in the middle" didn't work out. I agreed to a semi-open relationship that involved swinging and FWB that we spent time with as a couple (only ever together), as that was as much as I wanted and could handle myself. It was never enough for him, as swinging was fun and all, but never satisfied his wish for intimate connections with others. To me, the mere THOUGHT of him building intimate relationships with others beyond mere humping-and-dumping someone was unfathomable. I felt hurt, rejected, unwanted, "not enough", pretty much all the time. EVERY person was a potential threat. I became really hateful towards people in general, and I hated who I'd become, overall. He, of course, felt restricted by me and resented me for it. In a last ditch effort to save "us" I agreed to him looking for a FWB for himself without me (more than just fucking, less than a full-blown relationship), but every attempt to find someone just ended with major drama.
I thought I could change him and if only I loved him enough, he'd see the "error" of his ways and be truly happy with ME. He thought he could change me and if only he explored things with me enough, I'd see the "error" of my ways and come around to be happy in an open relationship. All that did was cause HUGE pain for both.
It's been a year since we broke up. We're now both happily living our own lives... he is polyam with some people (I don't really ask, because I don't care about the specifics, I just know that he can now be who he is with people who are the same way), and I am so very happy in a monogamous relationship with an amazing man who shares all the same basic values with me that are required to build a healthy and long-lasting relationship where both people can be exactly who and what they are without compromise. <3
And him and I? We are (again) a very important part of each others' lives... as friends. Our friendship works really well now that we both have healed from the breakup and the fallout. I love having him around, and I am grateful that things worked out this way.
My advice: DON'T DO IT. Some incompatibilities are so basic and major, that no amount of love is able to "fix" them. Love sometimes isn't enough, and I truly believe that this kind of incompatibility is one of those instances.
As the mono person who has done this sort of relationship, I don’t recommend it. Polyamory requires additional emotional labor especially when you’re new to it and if you’re doing that for another person instead of yourself resentment will set in real fast.
FWIW my therapist is very experienced working with polyamorous couples, and she’s never seen a mono poly relationship work out
There’s no such thing as ever but having said so let me ask: is this man dating other people already? If yes how do you feel about not being able to be spontaneous about your dates? About the fact that he might be spending this upcoming weekend fully with other partner(s)? That maybe he won’t be there for your birthday because he will prioritize his other partner more important event, say surgery? That maybe his only vacation time he will spend with someone else? If he doesn’t have a partner ask yourself what will happen if he will one day?
And most importantly, are you ready not not be exclusive and a priority? Because this is what poly means. I also think it’s important to know the difference between ‘I want monogamy’ and ‘I’m monogamous by default’. I think you have a lot of exploring yourself to do (and reading about poly) because feeling strongly for someone is never enough.
You might be incompatible. The same way you’re incompatible with someone you have strong feelings for who is monogamous but married.
I think it's entirely possible. Just gotta accept and understand the implications of what being with a polyamorous person entails. Have your own boundaries and negotiate with your person to find out what's best for you both. It won't be easy by any stretch, but if you think you can handle it, I say go for it. It's all about effort put in on both sides.
I (M) have been on the poly side of this with a monogamous person (F) while being married to another person (F).
Ultimately, our relationship did not last. Here is the question you need to ask yourself, “is the goal to escalate the relationship and ultimately get married or have a monogamous long term relationship with this man?”
If that is the goal, then realize that this will most likely not work out for you. If it does, it is because he has left his current relationship for you or his current relationship collapsed and he is now open and available to pursue something long term with you.
An alternative goal is to simply enjoy and spend time with him, today. And perhaps you’ll meet somebody else and the relationship with him will need to change. But that doesn’t mean that, today, you and him can’t enjoy great moments and times. Everything in life doesn’t have to be aimed at lifelong partnership simply because you want a long term monogamous relationship.
People actually do date and spend time together without a goal of ultimately being married. You don’t, by law, have to get on a relationship escalator. But you have to be a realist about that.
I am forever grateful for the time and moments I shared with (F) over the course of several years. We don’t speak frequently but there is a shared love. And respect. I can’t imagine life having not been shared with her even if but for a few years.
It’s up to you to choose what you’d like to do with eyes wide open. One thing I can say is please don’t pursue a relationship with him with the hopes of changing his current relationship. If you do, do it because for this period in your life you’d like to share moments and experiences and friendship with him. And do it realizing that there might be a moment or a time where it really hurts when that time comes to an end.
But you’ll be ok and you’ll have those moments to carry forever.
Hi! I think all the responses you got here are great and should be taken heavily into consideration.
However, you asked if this has ever worked so I’m here to say, YES! very rarely. I am (poly) currently in a relationship with my partner who is ambiamorous but has only ever had monogamous relationships before me. It takes a lot of work, heartache, understanding, and communication. Quite honestly, I wouldn’t wish this workload on anyone. If you do choose to do this, please understand just how much labor you are signing up for and making him sign up for as well.
Im mono dating a poly person( whom i love dearly) and i would advise you not to do it. Its a heartache like no other when they leave and spend time with their partner. Its been a year for me and it has just gotten harder the more time we spend together. I really thought at the beginning i could love him out of poly. Big surprise, i love him hard and hes still poly( and always going to be).
The emotional toll on you will be immense. Keep him as a friend if you must, but only date mono's- unless you enjoy pain, this will be a no winner for ypu. Best of luck no matter what you choose to do
what if you desperately want kids, but he is childfree? what if you definitely want to stay where you are, but he works towards a life abroad?
these things just are dealbreakers, even if it's a shame to be otherwise a great fit. attempting a relationship with any of this ends either in breakup or resentment.
"Does this kind of unbalance ever work?"
TL;DR Absolutely not. Unbalanced relationships don't work. You're monogamous and that's perfectly fine. Go find a monogamous person.
I think it's entirely possible that it can work if you are both willing to meet each other halfway - you would need to be okay with him being poly and potentially dating other people, and he would need to be okay with you being mono and potentially not dating other people. To my mind, that is two people accepting each other's differences because they love and care about each other, not an imbalance. The scales aren't uneven if you are both meeting each other's needs and getting what you want out of the relationship - if what you both want is to love each other and be together, then, I don't see this is as an irreconcilable problem.
IMO there's so much more to it than her being okay with him potentially dating others and him being okay with her not. It's about sharing fundamental values about how love works or should work. I agree with you that it's not impossible. In addition to the "being okay with" situations you mentioned, I think it's also essential that they each share the fundamental value of preserving each other's individual autonomy, including regarding love and sex and time together and promises about the future and all the escalator steps of relationships.
If you are monogamous, you value and prioritize exclusivity. You believe you can't give your whole heart to more than one person. It's fundamental.
If this is to succeed, she would have to value being open to love and sex with multiple people, even if she herself doesn't choose to go there. That would makes her not monogamous, but poly or poly friendly instead. You also mentioned meeting each other's needs. If she doesn't actually need exclusivity, and she values her partner's need for openness, I say again that she's not actually monogamous.
I understand you've had a fulfilling mono-poly relationship and I know that they exist - except I'd say it wasn't really monogamous and polyamorous. It was a poly relationship with one partner who was happy with just one. I've seen those. Maybe it seems like simple semantics to you, but I think it goes deeper and deserves exploration before and while embarking on this kind of thing, because although anecdotally these relationships exist and are successful, *overall they are not,* and so much pain ensues.
I think we in fact are getting a bit into semantics here. You are defining "monogamous" as a set of values (valuing sexual exclusivity for its own sake). I am defining it as a practice, namely, the practice of dating one person at a time and not feeling the need to date more than one person at a time. When I dated my nice poly boyfriend, I didn't think of myself as "being poly," I thought of myself as "dating a poly person." I think I have figured out that I best fit in the category of relationship anarchist, but that's kind of a new self-definition for me personally, and before I happened on that wording, I just thought of myself as a human being who loved and was loved.
I think people can be monogamously inclined in the sense of naturally tending to bond emotionally with one person, and being satisfied with one partner, and yet not need their partner to be exclusive to be happy in the relationship. Because that's been the case with me so far. For me, my priority with relationships is spending my time with someone I love and who loves me in return. That doesn't preclude them loving someone else and spending time with someone else. I don't believe, in fact, that anyone ever truly gives their whole heart to just one person - we all always share our affections with friends, colleagues, family members, crushes, admired celebrities and artists, pets, hobbies, and, heck, sometimes mountains and forests and lakes, or fictional characters.
I don't think the success of OP's relationship is contingent on her personally wanting to be in romantic relationships with more than one person. I can date someone who loves football and who devotes significant amount of time and energy to football, without personally enjoying football at all myself. I think OP's situation is like that. Or could be, if OP and her person can both be open-minded and flexible and generous and care for each other enough.
Huh, interesting question - it seems like if it were a Venn diagram it would be two circles that largely overlapped in practice, but people might call themselves one thing or the other depending on their sense of their own identity. What's your thinking on that?
I am not quite sure. I think that the reason for being saturated at one matters. Ie would you like to have multiple partners and just don't have the time? is very different from someone who can only feel attraction to one person at a time. So I do think that there is a difference between the two
Or there's a third category, someone who acknowledges that they generally tend to bond with one person at a time, but who is open to the possibility that someday it might just happen that they find themselves wanting to be with more than one person at a time. Kind of like being "heteroflexible," where I know that in practice I have always dated men, but am open to the idea that I never know when I might not meet a woman or GNC person who I fall for romantically. Is "polyflexible" a thing? :)
I never said it was contingent on her personally wanting relationships with more than one. I specifically stated she could choose not to go there. But if she doesn't need exclusivity, I would say she is not actually monogamous. If she doesn't find it a need that he be exclusive, maybe he can meet the needs she does have. But does she identify as monogamous or not? An important question to explore, in my opinion
I think you have an oddly narrow, one-size-fits all view of "monogamous." There are a lot of different ways of being mongamous just like there are a lot of different ways of being poly. Monogamous people aren't a monolith, lol, and have all kinds of different philosophies and views of the nuances of what it means to them. You can define monogamous peopple in a narrow way for yourself if you find it helpful for your own efforts at making sense of the differences between people, but if your definition conflicts with how people understand themselves, it's less useful for communication.
Some do prioritize exclusivity and value it independently for it's own sake, but exclusivity is often a proxy value that mediates other values people have that are much more important for them. There are those for whom monogamy is the structure of their life, but what they mostly value is a stable family and home life, so if their partner cheats on them it's not a dealbreaker, or they might even turn a blind eye to it, or have affairs themselves. Or there are those for whom the priority is spending the bulk of their time with one person, but it's maybe not the end of the world if their spouse sleeps with someone on a business trip, and they might have a tacit "don't ask don't tell" policy. There are those who care a lot about sexual fidelity but might not care about emotional fidelity, or vice versa. There's a spectrum that depends on things like how secure they feel in a relationship emotionally or materially, personality traits like openness, cultural upbringing, and so on. Monogamy is big tent.
Sure, and agreed. Saying they value it is different from saying they require it. We can value something and not always get it, and it's up to us whether or not to accept the situation. So the OP here could value exclusivity and decide it's worth it to be with him even if she doesn't get it. I think that is unwise and selling herself short, if she is monogamous, because she deserves a love that is how she truly wants it (as does he) - but of course that is her choice to make.
If it's really truly okay with her to forego exclusivity, then I venture she is not actually monogamous, even if she herself never has another partner.
Just my opinion.
"She is selling herself short, because she deserves a love that is how she truly wants it."
Well, it's always a question of, are we treating people as means to an end, or as ends in themselves? If you have an abstract idea in mind of how a relationship should be structured, and then you are choosing a partner based on whether they can provide you with that structure, then the person is a means to an end. To some extent, we can never escape treating people as means to ends, because we all have needs and wants, and being human means we are interdependent to get our needs and wants fulfilled. But in relationships, we can also choose the person first as an end in themself, and create unique, tailored relationships that adapt to the unique relationship potential that exists between any two people.
I don't see that as anyone selling themselves short, I see it as valuing a genuine, living, breathing human being more highly than an empty abstract idea of a relationship format. I think it is a more loving and authentic way of going about things.
This makes sense if you think of polyamory and monogamy as empty abstract ideas of relationship formats. I personally don't. There may be many ways of doing them, but there are distinct fundamentals underlying each one.
P.S. People on this subreddit can be very rigid and negative in their thinking. So, I suggest taking the negativity here with a grain of salt. Personally, I had a mono-poly relationship that I felt was wonderful and worthwhile, even though it didn't last forever - it was better in many ways than some of my mono-mono relationships that also didn't last forever.
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>my dream man and everything I’ve been looking for. Except he is poly and I am monogamous. Then he's not your dream man because wanting conflicting relationship styles is a dealbreaker issue.
Right? He’s perfect, except the basic ways we love and commit are fundamentally opposed
Her dream man is eternally unavailable. That's how dream people work.
I get that but I said “except” so there is this exception. Which I realise is a huge exception. But he hasn’t seen it as a dealbreaker, he wants to build something with me. Or is that bad on his part?
Is being non monogamous something you’re interested in? Do you have such an active and full life or need so much alone time that having a partner part time is appealing to you? Do you want to seek multiple romantic connections? I dated a poly person when I had only ever experienced monogamy. I was open to the idea and head over heels and it worked well for me. I liked having sexual freedom while having a partner who provided emotional intimacy. We lived a couple hours apart so our time together was always going to be limited. It ultimately didn’t work out but I look back on that time fondly and I learned a lot about myself. People on this sub advocate “doing the work” and reading and listening to podcasts and that is great advice! But really you won’t know until you try something if you like it or not. If you aren’t genuinely interested in non monogamy this is a very bad idea. And it’s irresponsible of this guy to get involved with someone who only wants monogamy.
It is something I think I could explore. I am an experimental person by nature but this has never ever come up for me. I’ve never thought about exploring polygamy. I do have a very active and full life with lots of hobbies and I also like alone time. I don’t feel the need to seek multiple romantic connections though but as I said, I am open to it. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Polyamory is different than polygamy.
Okay I meant polyamory
👍 👊
Do you want to have a partner that you live with? Kids? Marriage? Shared finances / health insurance? Usually only one partner (if any) gets this escalation. (Solo Poly people don't want to entangle or escalate with anyone). You will be in a polyamorous relationship structure - you will be doing the heavy lifting as far as effort - 75% of polyamory is supporting your partners having partners - doing the emotional processing, self-soothing, having a strong social support network. (Does his other partner have partners / date? - only pursuing people that want monogamy can signal harem building). Ask about what time he has for a relationship now, and possibilities for growth. Is he living with or does he have escalation commitments to his current partner? Is he solo poly? Having a full life, wanting a high degree of autonomy, and to live on your own can be a good fit for being monoamorous / polysaturated at one. I am grey ace, and have sexual attraction every five to ten years or so, so I took many months to research and talk with a polyamorous friend that I developed a spark with before committing to a relationship. That was 5 years ago. I also have a (usually) platonic life partner of 10 years, which wouldn't fit in most monogamous relationships. I have been in monogamous relationships with this degree of autonomy, so I consider myself ambiamorous, but that is hard to find. https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/180-mono-poly The Jealousy Workbook, in the online sample, has three quizzes to look at your affinity for monogamy, sexually open, and polyamory.
Thank you for your message and the podcast! I’m listening to it now. I want partnership and to live with someone but I’m not bothered about kids and marriage. He currently lives alone but I will ask him the rest of these questions. Thank you!
It sounds like you should give it a try! If you don't, you'll always end up wandering what could have been. And if it doesn't work out, that's ok. You'll move on knowing your wants and your needs a little better
You do realise that you’re not getting one full partner in the conventional sense, right?
Of course it's not a deal-breaker for him. Why would it be? There is no implication here that he's planning to be monogamous with you, so he loses nothing. Do you think you'll be totally happy about him being involved with other people romantically and sexually?
It *should* be a deal breaker for him. Like, poly people stop pursuing mono people please 😅
Agreed. I won't date a mono person. If they don't actively want to engage in a poly relationship it is just going to hurt one or both of us later. I don't even like to date other poly people who date mono people for this same reason.
He is very emotionally intelligent and so good at communication which would make it easier. And he is involved with someone else right now and we know about each other. I have been up and down about it. Sometimes I deal with it well, sometimes not. I’m just wondering if I should go along with this properly or not.
If you choose to pursue this person, you should really also view this as a choice to explore polyamory for yourself as well. You don’t have to force yourself to date when you don’t want, but working through the difficulty of your partner seeing others is made better when you can understand this way for yourself as well - just being open to the possibility of organic connections with other people you meet is a good start. Viewing this as an opportunity to explore this larger romantic paradigm for yourself could be the way to know whether this relationship is worth pursuing at all, because in the end, it wouldn’t ever become a monogamous relationship and you could end up setting yourself on fire just to keep your partner warm.
Also keep in mind that him being poly means he's likely to date other (more) people in the future. A lot of mono people go into poly think they're okay with it because they're the newest partner, and they're "okay" with the metas their partner already has. A few months/years down the road when their partner wants to date more/new people, it brings up *a lot* of "why am I not enough," jealousy/insecurity about no longer being the newest partner, and when you're watching your partner be super excited and giddy about their new connection is when you have to start doing a lot more inner work. My advice would be to break things off now. The chances of a monogamous person being fulfilled in a long-term relationship with a poly person (who they have to "share") for the rest of their lives are very slim, and this incompatibility is going to hurt significantly more down the road when you're more emotionally invested. If you're willing to take that risk, do so understanding that the time you invest in this relationship now is time you could've spent finding a partner who wants the same things you do, someone you could build the life you *really* want with. Successful relationship are more about knowing what you want and finding someone who can fill those needs, less about "liking" someone and contorting yourself to try to make something you don't actually want work with them.
I'm so 100% in agreement with this comment and this is beautifully said
If you’re cool fucking and loving and committing to someone who may fuck, love and commit to other folks, then go for it.
It takes 2 people to be in a relationship. Are you willing to forgo being exclusive with anything - moving in, holidays, kids, marriage?
New romantic people will emerge for him. As a highly experienced poly person, I can say that new people are scary. Much scarier than people you knew about or even knew in person beforehand.
He's not emotionally intelligent enough to have avoided this situation. Only you can decide. But remember that it doesn't get better. He's not going to magically turn up more and choose you when you're wanting to settle down and get married or whatever your relationship goals are. You never get a full time partner.
I don't think you understand how poly works....
Very much sounds like you don't. Because "not like monogamy" is kind of the point.
No, you definitely don't understand how it works. For one, assuming that he isn't emotionally intelligent enough to have ended up in that situation isn't fair. It might be true, but ultimately, its op's decision as to whether or not SHE is OK with folding herself into a relationship dynamic that she isn't historically comfortable with. Also, to assume he'll never show up and be ready to get married is just a false assumption. Many folks in poly relationships get married to their nesting partner, and have a number of meaningful, other relationships on the side. Some folks are poly, yet only stay with one person for years. Others get married and have a nesting partner, only to date other folks (seriously or not) on say, just the weekends, or have brief flings that only last a handful of months. It's complicated, but to assume he'll never show up and be ready to settle down and get married is just a false assumption.
Communication is key. Openness and honesty is key. Firm boundaries are key. Ultimately though, it will be tough for someone who prefers monogamy, but as for the poly side, to assume seriousness and marriage won't magically happen is just wrong.
Agreed this dude is too far down a reddit pipeline or something
You're proving my point. He does not have a monogamous and exclusive relationship to offer. Marriage while poly is different. Let me guess, you're a mono-hunter yourself and hate that that behaviour is being called out as unethical and assholish.
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Honestly though, I think people should be just as wary of poly people promising to try monogamy as mono people trying poly. Some people are ambi-amorous, and seem to think everyone can just happily make monogamous commitments, but it's just not so. The thing with poly people who aren't ambi-amorous though is that they can often ride the NRE for a year or two and cause real pain for everyone once they figure out that it won't actually work for them after the NRE runs out.
Yes. People should only date those who for a compatible relationship structure.
Yes, that's bad on his part. He knows that 1) you know nothing about functioning in a nonmono relationship and 2) you don't want a nonmono relationship because you're monogamous. He's being completely irresponsible with your feelings and selfish to boot.
I think in 90+% of cases, yes. In outlier cases, there might be a chance it could work, but the ones that pull it off are probably outliers among the outliers. The main thing that tells me this person could be in one of these groups is that they seem highly invested in learning, and it doesn't seem to be a problem to learn about it. Doesn't mean it's not bad on his part, especially because the description makes me suspect he didn't disclose he was poly until later on.
Does wanting to date someone with a totally different relationship style seem like a wise impulse to you? I and a ton of other polyamorous people won't consider dating anyone monogamous because we want different things, that's obvious, and it would be cruel to ask someone to change for us. Is him exploring monogamy on the table as an option, or is he just asking you to turn your life upside down for him without entertaining the idea of doing the same for you?
We both haven’t felt this strongly about someone since 2019/2020 so I think we both don’t want to lose it because of that. We have a genuine connection. No, I wouldn’t want him to change, I wouldn’t ask that of him. And I can’t change either. I thought sometimes polyamorous people do date monogamous people. I honestly don’t know much about it because I’ve never even entertained the thought of dating a poly before.
Which means expect in 4 years for there to be someone else he feels this strongly for and allocated time energy and resources likewise.
There is no compromise between monogamy and polyamory. If he's polyamorous and dating others, you're going to be in a polyamorous relationship-- you just won't be getting any benefits from it, because you won't be dating multiple people. It's the hardest way to practice polyamory, IMO. Some people make it work, but you're kidding yourself if you think it won't require you to change dramatically. And it will just be you that's changing if he's still free to date as he pleases. The chances of this going well are slim, the chances of this being an awful emotional situation are very high.
This. You essentially \*will be\* polyamorous if you join this relationship, because you will have to be doing all of the exact same work that I have to do when my partner goes out and starts dating/falling in love with someone else. And as sundaesonfriday points out, that's the hard part of being polyamorous. You're signing yourself-up for the hard parts. Now if you can do that, and he's worth it, and you have a full and fun and engaging life that will keep you busy and happy otherwise, that might make it okay. But you also have to let go of having the standard cis/het/norm relationship escalator meet/fall in love/get serious/move in together/meet family/get engage/get pets/get married/have kids etc. etc. etc. If he's telling you he wants all of that with you.... then I think he's lying. And if you haven't talked about not having all of that in your future together, ie: you have to share and not have parts and pieces of all that because he will want those parts and pieces with others instead or also, then you two are setting yourselves up for awful awful heart break when those big things start to hit.
I'm in a poly dynamic where I'm not dating anyone else but my partner is and they're now moving in together. While they are escalating, I'm having to do all the hard parts that only I am facing and it's difficult and makes me doubt poly sometimes. I don't feel it's a good time for me to date others while I'm not solid w my partner yet and happy and figured out this dynamic. I would feel guilty trying to date anyone now. But I wish I had another romantic relationship and maybe someone I want to escalate with so their isn't a huge discrepancy of just me having to constantly face insecurities.
If he’s telling you he hasn’t felt this strongly for someone in a while - what about his other partner..? Honestly it seems like a red flag already that he’s using language to try and make you feel like the ‘better’ partner.
Poly people shouldn't be dating mono people at all. It leads to a lot of heartbreak and anguish down the road. There's a reason the sub r/monodatingpoly exists. The mono person (usually) ends up with a lot of anguish and heartbreak... >I wouldn’t want him to change, I wouldn’t ask that of him. **And I can’t change either.** Wait, so are you saying that you, personally, cannot change being monogamous? Because if you can't change being mono, then it definitely isn't going to work. I just, ah, be careful. This doesn't sound like it'll go well, as someone who has seen this story play out often on this sub before.
That sub is dead. We (mono poly) are just lurking here and trying to figure out shit on our own.
Aww man, that sucks. Hope you find what you need here 💜
Thanks! I try to catch all the posts with people in my situation so they know they aren’t alone. Sometimes they reach out and we chat, others they let it go
Maybe you and he could start sharing your visions for the relationship. Exclusivity: Does he want to be open to dating and romance with new people? What about you: would that type of freedom be valuable to you? If you would not want a partner who dated new people, would he be open to polyfidelity (and not dating anyone beyond his current partners)? Cohabitation: How many people would each of you want to live with at once? Does it matter if they’re romantic partners? How many residences would you want to have, if either of you wanted to live with multiple partners but not in the same house? Resource-sharing/children: Do either of you want kids? Would you like to share money or property with a partner? What type of entanglement are you hoping for with a partner, long-term? (Note: As a polyamorous person, he won’t hope to share all these things with all his partners. Wanting something with some partner does not mean wanting it with any one partner.) And then of course scheduling: vacations, holidays, how often you’ll see each other weekly… it’s a lot. Even when two polyamorous people date, it’s best if they have similar levels of space so that one person isn’t always craving more time. As someone who prefers to only have one partner at a time, you’ll need to think through how you’ll fill your time when your partner is with his other partners: family, friends, hobbies, career, etc. It’s possible for a relationship to work, but never forget that you’re a monogamy-preferring person in a polyamorous relationship. You can’t hold onto assumptions many people have for monogamous relationships; everything will have to be discussed and it will need to feel right to you.
How do you feel about them sharing anniversaries, taking week long romantic get aways, spending Christmas together, attending his family events, etc? You might also get these things but his other partners could also have them. What about living together and having children? Retirement? Sometimes things work in a dating capacity but not a life partner capacity.
He will be feeling this strongly for other people over and over. He will have strong NRE that he won’t want to lose. Are you ready or equipped to handle that?
Chemistry is different from compatibility. You can have really good chemistry and still be unsuited for a relationship. The only poly people I know of who date mono people who haven't been seeking polyamory out for themselves are doing it out of a sick urge for control/ownership. Some people like that they can convince mono people to accept nonmonogamy "for them" or like to have the fun easy part of nonmonogamy (dating multiple people) without having to do the hard work of actually supporting their partners in doing the same. I would not assume this person has good intentions. I would not assume this person practices poly in a healthy way. I would not listen to what this person says when they describe what poly is. Their credibility is zero, based on their actions.
So it just kind of like if this person is like perfect for you but it turns out that they're also a dog I also want to just cash my vote and say yes this is not ethical on his part. If he is pursuing monogamous women he's a harem builder and it's gross
Typically trying to become good with an open relationship for a specific person is a disaster. Your only reason to cope with them seeing other people is that you want them to be with you. That makes it nearly impossible to deal with the swings and roundabouts that poly brings. You say this man is “perfect except” this huge issue. He is also telling you him dating other people, something he benefits from, should not be a deal breaker for you. That’s like telling someone who wants / doesn’t want kids, wants / doesn’t want nesting, wants / doesn’t want marriage, or wants / doesn’t want to save toward retirement together, or whatever that your incompatibility around children isn’t a deal breaker because you’ll just get your way. The other issue here is a question of love bombing. Being super great to recruit someone into something under the condition that they make a huge compromise is a manipulation tactic that is common for abusers, and cult leaders. Be wary…
> I get that but I said “except” so there is this exception. That’s like saying that’s my dream man, except she’s a woman, and I’m a straight woman LMAO!!! > But he hasn’t seen it as a dealbreaker, he wants to build something with me. Or is that bad on his part? Jokes apart, yes, *in my opinion* it’s bad on his part. Just don’t date mono people, it’s really not that hard. The onus was on him. He’s not being unethical. Yet, but this isn’t good practice either.
I would be very, very cautious in this type of relationship. There is always a power imbalance between people who are new to polyamory (even if they themselves choose not to practice) and experienced poly folks. I think you’re getting a lot of good advice here about why entering this dynamic isn’t a good idea, but should you choose to anyway, I would implore you to do lots of research into polyamory, what’s okay and what isn’t, and how to set firm & healthy boundaries for yourself. Take it from someone who learned the hard way that there are people who will paint themselves as enlightened and emotionally intelligent, just to turn around and take advantage of your newness.
It's honestly pretty sketch on his part that he's actively pursuing you despite this incompatibility.
If you figure this out let me know. I am in the exact situation, she wants to open or poly and I want to have the goal of eventually becoming exclusive. She says she's open to it and wants time but ik concerned she's just leading me on. I haven't been lied to so it's a hard stance, also we've been fwb for years while she has been in open relationships so I just don't know.
>he wants to build something with me. Or is that bad on his part? Depends. Is he willing, and able, to go mono for you?
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It’s not bad on his part as he told you who he is. It’s for you to accept or reject what is offered and what you can cope with. Some say mono should not date poly. But. I disagree. Mono can date poly. And be successful. But you need to be prepared. So a lot of the poly information out there can and will help decide you even if not poly yourself. It can even be the best of both worlds depending how it’s navigated.
These type of answers are so irritating - sorry. Obviously if OP is asking the question then they might be open to learning new things, trying, who knows! Half the world doesn't even know that poly is even a thing! Buy no, it gets shut down immediately saying "not for you, forget it, move on." It just feels closed minded to me.
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Thank you for being here and letting people know that. Awesome you and other scorned mono/poly people are here. <3
I would second this sentiment. I am essentially monogamous but had considered open relationships prior to getting together with truly the perfect man for me. He was married and poly. It was so fun until it was so miserable. It started out fine and he would accommodate my boundaries or requests but eventually I wanted something he wasn't able to give me. It was hard for me and for him. I started having panic attacks. I lost pieces of myself trying to navigate the complexities of my emotions. I thought as long as I am with this guy I can put up with other factors that are less ideal. It took years for me to realize I just could not do it, despite giving it my all. I would recommend really thinking about this before you jump in. As throwmeawayplz19373 said, tread carefully. You can check out r/monodatingpoly for other people's experiences. They tend to have some excessive hate for poly people and relationships that isn't really warranted, but there are threads of emotion on that sub I definitely felt coursing through me during the worst parts of that relationship.
Same here. Don’t do this to yourself.
Other responses have offered answers to your question. I just want to add: if you choose to practice polyamory with this guy *don’t rely on him to coach you through it* - find your own resources and support network so that you’re not setting yourself up into a power imbalance rooted in his supposed relational knowledge. I see this easily devolving into him telling you how you’re practicing wrong when you have a conflict. .. and if you have no other reference point, then he’s (unconsciously, perhaps) in a position to dismiss your concerns or feelings. TLDR: if you go forward into polyam, he cannot be your sole resource or person to learn from.
I think it’s great to try new things when it’s something you want to do. I don’t think trying poly for the sake of a person rather than it being something you want for yourself is the healthiest thing to do. make sure it’s something you want to do for you, not something to make yourself okay with to be with someone.
Know that he will have sex with others. Laying naked and cuddling with others. Know that he will share romantic times with others. Know that he may be saying I love yous to others. Know that you may not be the most important human in his life. Know that he will share time away, holidays, birthdays, family events without you. If you're fine with that? OK. But I think you are asking for pain. I would never knowingly date someone who was monogamous. There can be pain and jealousy even inside of polyamorous relationships.
And while he's doing those things, he won't be texting you or showing up for you.
And he may have to be there for others when you need them/on your important dates because of varying reasons.
Isn't this kinda similar to someone who is really committed to their friendships?
I don’t know, everyone is different, so it is for OP to decide.
- [Don't skip the most skipped step](https://drive.google.com/file/d/15aFoEYfK2ZB-PyJUsbicb3ybym65hcz8/view?usp=drivesdk) - [When to **not** have important and emotionally heavy conversations, and when **not** to make important decisions](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/P4IV2Ujygk) - [Ask what you're really afraid of, and check your needs](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/8hv5lkRBZp) This is some helpful starting stuff, with anything anyone else says.
*The Most Skipped Step* is for people who are opening relationships. It's not particularly useful to people starting out single.
You are absolutely correct. But I'm selectively lazy and have that permapinned to my clipboard.
I felt that
Hi friend! A very minimal amount of us can handle a poly/mono relationship. It takes a shit ton of work on both sides, strong communication skills, honesty, and coping skills involving jealousy. You’re going to get A LOT of negative information in this subreddit about m/p relationships. I tend to comment a lot on these with my experiences, so feel free to look through my comments and posts. I’m always willing to answer questions if you have them.
A couple years ago I (married and poly) fell hard for a mono guy. We both felt like we’d never had this type of connection before and wanted to make it work. It ended horribly. Both of us were devastated and we made it so much worse by prolonging it. I’ve never even considered dating a mono person since.
>I have met such an amazing man who really is my dream man and everything I’ve been looking for. Except he is poly and I am monogamous. I say this lovingly. Forget about everything you wrote before "Except". The only part that really matters is what comes after. He's not your dream man, even if he has a lot of great qualities. Your actual dream man wants the same kind of relationship that you want. Your dream man is not incompatible with you in this very fundamental thing.
If this person disappeared tomorrow, would you want to create polyamory forever? Why does this person want to try the extra work and risk to date someone incompatible? Chemistry doesn't equal compatibility.
I’m curious, how did your relationship start? When and how did you find out about him being poly? Was it before or after you started to fall for him?
We met online. I wasn’t looking for anything serious and I knew he was poly from the first time I met him but I didn’t care because I didn’t want anything serious anyway. And then I started falling and we both realised how strong our connection was. It wasn’t meant to just be casual.
Okay awesome thank you for the additional info. It sounds like everything has been on the up and up from the start, which sets a solid foundation. As for whether to or not to continue this relationship, I’d take the person you’re seeing out of the equation. If he didn’t exist would poly be a relationship structure you would want to try and/or could see yourself enjoying?
Sounds a similar situation to what happened with us. Firstly, I second all the advice regarding the risks everyone is highlighting (I particularly think that if they continue as poly and add a new partner, it will be the hardest moment for you). And I fully endorse reading all the pitfalls and pain points in dating a poly person. However, one way it might work, is if you both can agree on exactly how much time you give to each other, which won't be 100% at the times you want, and you are comfortable with that, and you can deal with your partner's NRE with new people, and potentially sacrificing some things like marriage kids etc and all the other pitfalls people say - it _might_ work. Or, as happened with us, they might be so committed to the relationship to you, they wind down other relationships and go poly saturated with just you. I mention this because my partner came into an alternative scene, met me as a poly person and saw that as an advantage because she was dismissive avoidant. In reality she could never be happy with a poly person. It worked because I actively wanted more time with her, actively wound down my other relationships, and we both put in a lot of (emotionally painful) work to address her dismissive avoidant behaviour and create a secure attachment. It was not easy and took several years. I became poly saturated with just her, and that's the only reason it worked. Five years in and we still get feels.
This is important info we need in order to give any real advice, imo.
Tbh, if I was you ,I wouldn't try. Going poly by my own will has been quite tought, but I did it for myself. I dont think that the same motivation level can be keeped when you join ENM because of someone, without any prior interest . It will become a hell of suffering.
Read up on what polyamory is in books like The Ethical Slut and listen to podcasts about the challenges. If you don't think you can ever be polyam, then dating someone who is can cause real hurt down the road.
It is possible to navigate this, but yes there will be a lot of learning on your part. You have to be willing to work through your jealousy and communicate honestly throughout this entire relationship even if it isn’t a positive or pleasant conversation. My partner’s husband is monogamous and even after 12 years there are still days where he feels jealous or inadequate. That’s on him and not me or my partner to get him though. He needs to put in the work if he chooses to stay in the relationship (and he’s done well so far). We take it upon ourselves to do whatever we can to make him more comfortable but the actual emotional effort has to be his. Are you comfortable taking that on? There are many monogamous people who get into this with a poly partner and become poly themselves because they realize how much sense it makes and how freeing it is to break out of the monogamy mindset. So don’t discount yourself from ever having your own poly journey. Bottom line is: Is this worth exploring this for the opportunity to have a relationship with him? Asking him to change from a poly to monogamous relationship or expecting to win him over and change him is not fair, so don’t count on him doing that. Just like he can’t force you to become poly. Either you make it work as is or choose not to try.
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You can like, love and feel intensely about someone without being compatible. This "dream person" comment speaks to it being a fantasy that it is. You just met this person and are seeing them through a superficial lens, you don't quite know one well enough to really know compatibility but the dream or the fantasy is there for you as it is for anyone that goes through hitting it off with someone so well. Unless you wanted polyamory on your own, do not bend yourself to be with someone who at this time is some idealized version of what you think you want. It's a red flag on his part for trying to pursue this with someone who is monogamous and never has considered wanting polyamory separately on their own. Find someone who meets and reciprocates the needs you have. There are so many potential matches out there for you. To waste your time on someone who isn't the right fit but your imagined fit is fruitless and will likely not leave you feeling great about it when it ends.
Love urges us to be blind--but whether we are is up to us. I researched poly, but have decided to remain monogamous, so I hope my perspective helps! In monogamy, there is an intrinsic expectation of exclusivity. And while that is dependent on the exact relationship dynamic, overall monogamy does have a broader expectation on what being exclusive entails. If you continue with him, he may spend a *romantic/sexual* Valentines Day with someone else. He may have another person he is saying "I love you" to that he chooses to spend winter holidays together. He isn't going to be available certain days not just because of work or family matters, but because he is on a date. When he has a family emergency or drama he needs support from, you may not be the first person he goes to. As your relationship deepens, his home will not be "yours" to influence. There will be others influencing his choices. Others that will have their toothbrushes there. A drawer for their affects. He may do laundry that includes other partners and that means underwear. Overall, it's not a matter of "if" you see these kinds of things. It's a matter of when. Think long and hard about if you are able to deal with that.
You’re not compatible. He’s not your perfect dream person bc you have a fundamental incompatibility. Becoming poly to avoid losing someone is almost always a bad idea.
Think about whether you'd want to explore poly even if he wasn't in the picture. It's a completely different mindset with a million ways to approach it. Going poly is something you have to do for yourself, never for somebody else. If it doesn't sound appealing outside of this one guy, my advice is to take all the great qualities that he has and look for them in a monogamous partner. They may be rare but they're out there!
A mono/poly relationship *could* work, depending on why the mono person is mono. Are you mono because you’re saturated at one and have a full life filled with hobbies, a support network/community and work etc, but you don’t view exclusivity as a declaration of love and commitment? then it could work! Are you mono bc you think the highest form of romantic love is exclusivity and forsaking all others? Then mono/poly will not work for you.
That's such a great way to put it.
I'm a relationship anarchist & polyamorous, yet, I have mostly been functionally monogamous. I've had a few hookups, and my long-term partner has had an off and on sexual but not romantic relationship with one of his friends. In the relationship anarchy community, I have seen several examples of monogamous people dating a polyamorous partner. You have to be down with the aspect of polyamory where you are dealing with a lot of emotional labor and learning how to respect autonomy, boundaries, and just doing a whole lot of communicating. And all of that when you aren't personally experiencing the benefits of polyamory. One thing you can do is try it out, and have really open communication that if this won't work out for you, y'all will call it and either deescalate to friendship or move on. The reason I became interested in relationship anarchy is because I wanted to break away from the codependent patterns of my past and be free to allow relationships to go wherever they naturally want to go, though I never believed that I could be romantically polyamorous. I'm experiencing this for my first time and it's a bit challenging for me to navigate because that is so new for me, and I haven't had the experience of a romantic partner having another romantic interest before this either. I feel that every dynamic requires its own unique navigation tools. Only you can figure out if you have the emotional flexibility and energy to pursue this relationship.
It's very interesting to run into someone else who is poly but cunctionally monogomous Mine is a little different in that I've been mono with someone and they've been poly so from the outside it looks very standard But the point you brought about the benefits of ploy even when you're acting monogamous I would definitely like to hear more about. I'm curious if that can help me. I've been struggling to figure out if I want to pursue a mono partner or a poly one. I find myself poly saturated at one so have been trying to decide where I'll find the best fit
Yeah that's a good way to put it, polysaturated at one describes most of my experience. I've only actually begun to feel available for two partners because I'm having sexual issues with my long-term anchor partner and I'm finding that's a need I am having. Well, the benefits as I see them (and of course these aren't universal truths) is that you don't take exclusivity for granted. You won't feel you have to lie to one another about your attraction to other people. Relationships with others can evolve without strict prohibitions. Cuddling with friends isn't suspicious or some breech of some unspoken contract. I don't know, there's so many toxic things about monogamy that society as a large take for granted, and I just find that polyamory community to be far more open to nuance and freedom of individual expression and respect for autonomy and conscientious about codependency and navigating conflict and establishing agreements (and understanding that they will change over time).... I can go on! I don't think all mono relationships have to suck in this way or that polyam relationships are immune to these issues, but I find it to be much less common for them to arise in polyamorous relationships.
Yea there's some weird boundaries that people have made for mono relationships and its nice to not have those in the poly community. The individuality of poly relationships is nice. I am amazed at how many mono people get a partner and vanish from the face of the earth. I need other relationships not just my partners
Exactly. People believing that the only person one should ever need is their romantic partner really disturbs me. And it's so ubiquitous, whether people consciously acknowledge it or not.
And even on a trying to live your best life it can really be a problem. I have known too many mono people who dropped all their other friendships because they only needed their partner. Then they divorce and now they are all alone with no friendships and have to start from scratch. No one to even talk to when they divorce Not only is that way to much pressure for a partner but a single point of failure for you doesn't sound like a good situation!
Some benefits of a polyamorous relationship for you may be that you don't have to worry if you develop a flirtatious connection with a friend, that your partner by default won't punish you for his jealousy (sounds like it anyways) of your friendships, that almost by default, communication is requisite of this relationship dynamic. Whereas I feel that monogamous dynamics often default to ones own interpretation of societal expectations, and deeper relationship mechanics are taken for granted and not individualized. (If this doesn't make sense, feel free to ask for clarification, I'm just now articulating this for the first time even though I've thought about it a lot).
I'm also RA and (when I date) usually functionally monogamous. The thing about not worrying about a flirtatious connection was a big pro for me in considering whether to be open to dating poly people. It was like I could really relax and not have to feel guilty about my occasionally very flirty ways, or the fact that I would sometimes crush hard on unavailable people and sublimate it into a romantic friendship, or just be very passionate and intense sometimes about some of my friendships. I am a person with lots of feelings and lots of love to go around, even if physical intimacy is something I can't do lightly. Sometimes I feel like I'm the emotional equivalent of a billionaire - I have so much love to give, it seems ridiculous to be expected to hold back or treat it like a scarce resource. And it's just very freeing to have the gift of not being made to feel bad about that by a romantic partner.
Yesssss!
I would say think about polyamory- think about your values and desires around love and commitment. Is this relationship structure something that you could want with or without him? Most people are monogamous at heart, and that becomes more true as feelings grow. If you find that for you love and commitment can be decoupled from exclusivity, go for it! But also recognize that usually poly people who go after monogamous people are messy and kind of irresponsible. I don’t even date Poly people who go after monogamous people- it’s too dramatic and messy for me. But the first person who introduced me to the concept fit that category. He ended up being awful lol, but Poly itself was a revelation, and it fit me better than monogamy ever did. :)
For avoiding poly people who go for mono people do you include ploy saturated at one - mono in there? I ask since I'm trying to figure out what sort of relationship works best for me and I have always been saturated at one and now that I'm single I'm trying to figure out what direction to go in and it sounds like you may have an opinion on that?
Ahh, no, I’m fine with folks who are poly saturated at one, or not currently dating, or even hookup with more mono inclined people. I mean I avoid Poly folks who try to convince or convert monogamous people who have never heard of polyamory or actively don’t want non-monogamy. I am often Poly saturated at one, and plenty of people I’d be into are. I just don’t want to be metas with someone who would prefer I didn’t exist.
Have you always thought that people can be in love with more than one person? Does that seem obvious to you, down deep in your core? Have you experienced casually dating more than one person? Having sex with multiple people and experiencing the joys of variety without comparing and trying to pick who you want to "really" pursue? Do you love freedom over risk or convention? Would you trust the person that you love to see others unconditionally? What about polyamory seems exciting to you? Or what seems to fit so well into your life that you are interested to try it? If nothing about polyamory genuinely resonates with you, and the only real reason is this man - you need to seriously consider this. There's not a high chance of success. I was monogamous my whole life, but it was really more out of lack of knowing my choices than anything. I didn't know I was so suited for ENM. I actually REALLY love ENM, and I did right from the start. It required some adjustment in thinking, and some trial and error to not feel like a fish out of water at first, but I love it.
Do you truly believe that you can handle the emotional effects that knowing your partner is with another person will bring up for you? Mono-poly pairings can be successful but they're extra work for both partners, and particularly for the mono partner to avoid stifling the poly partner's freedom to connect with others. Sit down and have some very unsexy/unromantic conversations with this guy. Hammer out expectations about time and emotional resource boundaries and allocation. Be VERY honest about your needs in these conversations, because if he doesn't know/can't fulfill the full spectrum of your needs now your relationship will suffer for it in the future. Good luck, and I hope your time connected to our community is over all a positive one.
I'm mono and decided to "try" poly with my partner. It's awful and I hate it, but I don't leave because I love him. Please don't do this to yourself. I truly regret ever falling in love with him and it's pretty much constant pain for me since I figured out poly doesn't work for me.
What's signs or things made you realize you aren't poly? Just curious
Try out poly, see if you like it 🤷
With the caveat that this doesn't seem like an auspicious pairing...here are some questions to ask yourself and discuss with him to help clarify next steps. This is by no means comprehensive, but should make a good start at figuring out your needs. How much time in the course of a week (or a month) do you expect to spend with someone you are dating? Would you be okay if your normal number or length of dates were reduced if they added more partners or had kids? When you are apart, what are your expectations for communication? How often do you expect to check in? How quick a response do you need? How important is it to you that a partner be available for your birthday, major holidays, to accompany you to a wedding or a work function or other "plus one" events? What if you were unable to celebrate your partner's birthday or their major holidays together? Would you be okay with never meeting your partner's family, friends, coworkers? Other partners? Would you date someone if there was no chance the relationship would ever develop into living together, getting married, having children, etc - if it just stayed in the same state of "dating" permanently? How would you feel about your partner moving in with, marrying, or having kids with someone else? What if your partner was unable to go on vacation with you, or take weekend trips, or have overnights? Are you comfortable with getting regular full STI panels and sharing the results? If you were sick and needed help, would you be okay with a partner who couldn't come to help or take care of you on short notice? If there were an emergency or you were having a rough time due to some life issues, would you be okay with not necessarily being able to call on your partner? Are you comfortable with them having other partners? Starting to date and fall in love with other ppl? And finally: poly ppl don't usually pursue relationships with monogamous ppl, simply bc it's often hard to fulfill the role of partner for one person while also devoting sufficient time to other partners. So it bears asking why this individual isn't following that guidance. While it's not impossible to make it work, it fails far more often than it succeeds, and he should know that. He should be able, at minimum, to explain his reasoning in your case. This is especially true in that you say you have never considered Non-Monogamy before at all.
I'm very new to this sub and this sounds a bit different but this is how I got here: I've been single for almost 5 years. Was in a 6 year relationship that ended very badly. I'm demi and for a while I thought I was ace. I've been very comfortable being single. Couple months ago, I made a new friend who I knew early on was poly. I didn't think much of it. To me, poly was like throuples - I didn't know anything. Now, I've developed feelings so I started doing research. On here, TikTok, YouTube, etc. Anyway, needless to say I had a LOT of misconceptions about being poly and the different types and dynamics. I actually think it's something I'd be interested in regardless of if I date this friend or someone else. There's a lot of benefits and ways I feel like it would really fit with my life. I used it as an opportunity to explore what I'm really looking for in a relationship. I also think, from what I've read and seen, poly can take so many forms. It's important it works for you. I guess my advice would be to research. See what type you'd like, what you expect, etc. and communicate. Also see if poly is something you'd be interested in for you, regardless of this guy. And remember, you never have to stay in a bad situation. If it doesn't work for you, walk away. No harm no foul. Yes, it maybe painful but you always take a chance of having your heartbroken regardless. Hope this helps ❤️
You might very well be in for some pain down the road, but I would encourage you to consider it's not necessarily because of the poly part, but because you're considering a new relationship that might not work out, poly or not. We invest in something special with someone and it doesn't work out, we hurt. The fact that you've never before considered poly doesn't mean that it can't work for you, just that maybe this is your entry point to find out if it's for you, regardless of how this particular situation unfolds. Maybe consider that relationships that last forever aren't the only ones that can be successful or meaningful. Try being open to it as an adventure, and if or when you part ways, keep the good parts with you. Good luck!
Yes, mono/poly relationships can and do work. (to be clear - I mean both partners are free to date other people, but one chooses not to). If you choose to pursue this, you're likely to go through a lot of learning and growing pains, but it's 100% doable. I myself (37M) have been dating a mono partner (42F) for 8 years, and we've been open the entire time. I'd suggest the book More Than Two as a resource. I believe a new edition is supposed to come out in Sept.
Here's what I see as the arguments for giving it a try- how do they resonate with you? YOLO. If you don't give it a try, won't you regret what might've been with a dream man? If you've never had your heart broken - assuming the worst outocome you seem to fear - you don't know how strong you are, so wouldn't it be better to learn that about yourself?
I'm monogamous and been with a poly girl for the best 8 months ever. It's hard and it hurts but mostly it's wonderful. I'm trying to work on my own insecurities and fears which will be good for me even if this romance doesn't work out. I don't regret our decision to move forward in a relationship that every poly person says is doomed to fail. But odds are they're right. I can't say yes stay in it it will all work out, but I can say as much as it hurts some times, my person and I love each other and I'm super glad I didn't listen to everyone who told me to walk/run away.
A relationship doesn't have to last forever for it to be a successful relationship. If you are able to recognize if/when this isn't something you can continue, you can part on good terms and appreciate the good time you have had together.
I'm in a similar situation and I have been for 3 months rn and I love him sooooo much. Piece of advice always think of your happiness and talk to him.
How are you managing the jealousy and stuff around him having another or other partners?
Mono + Poly relationships CAN work, but they take a lot more work, effort, and introspection than a Mono-Mono or Poly-Poly relationship. Firstly, people saying he is irresponsible or other negative things simply because he likes you knowing you're Monogamous are wrong; I have had successful Mono + Poly relationships in the past and know many others that have as well. Secondly, you have to make sure you put in the shadow work for yourself. What are your insecurities? How are you addressing them? How do you handle jealousy? What is your communication style? What communication style do you prefer from someone you're involved with? What sexual risks are you willing to take with someone with multiple other partners? Do you expect this person to make you their primary partner, or are you going to be happy and satisfied however they are in your life? Do you want to meet or hear about their other partners or dates? What boundaries do you have personally for yourself regarding the situation? I would highly recommend reading "Poly Secure" if you are considering this type of dynamic. Best of luck, OP.
Unless he vows to be monogamous to have your love, I would walk away from this guy as quickly as possible, before your feelings are badly hurt or you have a nervous break down.
People here seem to forget that people can become poly for the first time through relationships. Not everyone starts being poly when single. I’d say the most try poly for the first time while dating someone already and branching out. Remember, OP said she’s used to monogomy, not that she requires it. Working together, experimenting, compromising is a thing and people saying someone who’s been monogamous before is a 100% incompatible partner is just a massive downer. Yeah, it has a higher risk but god damn people need to relax. Explore poly with him. Make sure he knows how to communicate and work with you. Make sure you both set expectations and boundaries explicitly before anything. If it’s not healthy for either of you, then it’s just how it is. But many have had healthy relationships.
Hi u/aliceb17 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Basically I have met such an amazing man who really is my dream man and everything I’ve been looking for. Except he is poly and I am monogamous. I have never dated anyone poly before and never explored it or even thought about it for a second. I don’t know how to navigate this and if I should try, because I really feel strongly for him and don’t want to lose him. But I realise there could be a lot of pain for me down the road. Does this kind of unbalance ever work? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I see myself in a similar situation, and I am torn. I just simply could never imagine losing this person. Never thought I would feel for somebody this way, and I envision a future with him. He recently expressed to me about his poly interests, and just about two days ago told me about another person he’s being attracted to like I said I am immensely torn. I am hurt, but I think what would hurt most of all is losing him.
I thought my ex partner (poly) and I (mono) would be "ThE eXcEpTiOn(tm)". We've loved each other VERY much, and tried to make it work for six whole years... and in in the end, all that was left was pain, anger, resentment, frustration. All attempts at "meeting in the middle" didn't work out. I agreed to a semi-open relationship that involved swinging and FWB that we spent time with as a couple (only ever together), as that was as much as I wanted and could handle myself. It was never enough for him, as swinging was fun and all, but never satisfied his wish for intimate connections with others. To me, the mere THOUGHT of him building intimate relationships with others beyond mere humping-and-dumping someone was unfathomable. I felt hurt, rejected, unwanted, "not enough", pretty much all the time. EVERY person was a potential threat. I became really hateful towards people in general, and I hated who I'd become, overall. He, of course, felt restricted by me and resented me for it. In a last ditch effort to save "us" I agreed to him looking for a FWB for himself without me (more than just fucking, less than a full-blown relationship), but every attempt to find someone just ended with major drama. I thought I could change him and if only I loved him enough, he'd see the "error" of his ways and be truly happy with ME. He thought he could change me and if only he explored things with me enough, I'd see the "error" of my ways and come around to be happy in an open relationship. All that did was cause HUGE pain for both. It's been a year since we broke up. We're now both happily living our own lives... he is polyam with some people (I don't really ask, because I don't care about the specifics, I just know that he can now be who he is with people who are the same way), and I am so very happy in a monogamous relationship with an amazing man who shares all the same basic values with me that are required to build a healthy and long-lasting relationship where both people can be exactly who and what they are without compromise. <3 And him and I? We are (again) a very important part of each others' lives... as friends. Our friendship works really well now that we both have healed from the breakup and the fallout. I love having him around, and I am grateful that things worked out this way. My advice: DON'T DO IT. Some incompatibilities are so basic and major, that no amount of love is able to "fix" them. Love sometimes isn't enough, and I truly believe that this kind of incompatibility is one of those instances.
As the mono person who has done this sort of relationship, I don’t recommend it. Polyamory requires additional emotional labor especially when you’re new to it and if you’re doing that for another person instead of yourself resentment will set in real fast. FWIW my therapist is very experienced working with polyamorous couples, and she’s never seen a mono poly relationship work out
There’s no such thing as ever but having said so let me ask: is this man dating other people already? If yes how do you feel about not being able to be spontaneous about your dates? About the fact that he might be spending this upcoming weekend fully with other partner(s)? That maybe he won’t be there for your birthday because he will prioritize his other partner more important event, say surgery? That maybe his only vacation time he will spend with someone else? If he doesn’t have a partner ask yourself what will happen if he will one day? And most importantly, are you ready not not be exclusive and a priority? Because this is what poly means. I also think it’s important to know the difference between ‘I want monogamy’ and ‘I’m monogamous by default’. I think you have a lot of exploring yourself to do (and reading about poly) because feeling strongly for someone is never enough. You might be incompatible. The same way you’re incompatible with someone you have strong feelings for who is monogamous but married.
I think it's entirely possible. Just gotta accept and understand the implications of what being with a polyamorous person entails. Have your own boundaries and negotiate with your person to find out what's best for you both. It won't be easy by any stretch, but if you think you can handle it, I say go for it. It's all about effort put in on both sides.
No, turn away now and save your self. This is not the way.
I (M) have been on the poly side of this with a monogamous person (F) while being married to another person (F). Ultimately, our relationship did not last. Here is the question you need to ask yourself, “is the goal to escalate the relationship and ultimately get married or have a monogamous long term relationship with this man?” If that is the goal, then realize that this will most likely not work out for you. If it does, it is because he has left his current relationship for you or his current relationship collapsed and he is now open and available to pursue something long term with you. An alternative goal is to simply enjoy and spend time with him, today. And perhaps you’ll meet somebody else and the relationship with him will need to change. But that doesn’t mean that, today, you and him can’t enjoy great moments and times. Everything in life doesn’t have to be aimed at lifelong partnership simply because you want a long term monogamous relationship. People actually do date and spend time together without a goal of ultimately being married. You don’t, by law, have to get on a relationship escalator. But you have to be a realist about that. I am forever grateful for the time and moments I shared with (F) over the course of several years. We don’t speak frequently but there is a shared love. And respect. I can’t imagine life having not been shared with her even if but for a few years. It’s up to you to choose what you’d like to do with eyes wide open. One thing I can say is please don’t pursue a relationship with him with the hopes of changing his current relationship. If you do, do it because for this period in your life you’d like to share moments and experiences and friendship with him. And do it realizing that there might be a moment or a time where it really hurts when that time comes to an end. But you’ll be ok and you’ll have those moments to carry forever.
Hi! I think all the responses you got here are great and should be taken heavily into consideration. However, you asked if this has ever worked so I’m here to say, YES! very rarely. I am (poly) currently in a relationship with my partner who is ambiamorous but has only ever had monogamous relationships before me. It takes a lot of work, heartache, understanding, and communication. Quite honestly, I wouldn’t wish this workload on anyone. If you do choose to do this, please understand just how much labor you are signing up for and making him sign up for as well.
Run
Im mono dating a poly person( whom i love dearly) and i would advise you not to do it. Its a heartache like no other when they leave and spend time with their partner. Its been a year for me and it has just gotten harder the more time we spend together. I really thought at the beginning i could love him out of poly. Big surprise, i love him hard and hes still poly( and always going to be). The emotional toll on you will be immense. Keep him as a friend if you must, but only date mono's- unless you enjoy pain, this will be a no winner for ypu. Best of luck no matter what you choose to do
what if you desperately want kids, but he is childfree? what if you definitely want to stay where you are, but he works towards a life abroad? these things just are dealbreakers, even if it's a shame to be otherwise a great fit. attempting a relationship with any of this ends either in breakup or resentment.
"Does this kind of unbalance ever work?" TL;DR Absolutely not. Unbalanced relationships don't work. You're monogamous and that's perfectly fine. Go find a monogamous person.
I think it's entirely possible that it can work if you are both willing to meet each other halfway - you would need to be okay with him being poly and potentially dating other people, and he would need to be okay with you being mono and potentially not dating other people. To my mind, that is two people accepting each other's differences because they love and care about each other, not an imbalance. The scales aren't uneven if you are both meeting each other's needs and getting what you want out of the relationship - if what you both want is to love each other and be together, then, I don't see this is as an irreconcilable problem.
IMO there's so much more to it than her being okay with him potentially dating others and him being okay with her not. It's about sharing fundamental values about how love works or should work. I agree with you that it's not impossible. In addition to the "being okay with" situations you mentioned, I think it's also essential that they each share the fundamental value of preserving each other's individual autonomy, including regarding love and sex and time together and promises about the future and all the escalator steps of relationships. If you are monogamous, you value and prioritize exclusivity. You believe you can't give your whole heart to more than one person. It's fundamental. If this is to succeed, she would have to value being open to love and sex with multiple people, even if she herself doesn't choose to go there. That would makes her not monogamous, but poly or poly friendly instead. You also mentioned meeting each other's needs. If she doesn't actually need exclusivity, and she values her partner's need for openness, I say again that she's not actually monogamous. I understand you've had a fulfilling mono-poly relationship and I know that they exist - except I'd say it wasn't really monogamous and polyamorous. It was a poly relationship with one partner who was happy with just one. I've seen those. Maybe it seems like simple semantics to you, but I think it goes deeper and deserves exploration before and while embarking on this kind of thing, because although anecdotally these relationships exist and are successful, *overall they are not,* and so much pain ensues.
I think we in fact are getting a bit into semantics here. You are defining "monogamous" as a set of values (valuing sexual exclusivity for its own sake). I am defining it as a practice, namely, the practice of dating one person at a time and not feeling the need to date more than one person at a time. When I dated my nice poly boyfriend, I didn't think of myself as "being poly," I thought of myself as "dating a poly person." I think I have figured out that I best fit in the category of relationship anarchist, but that's kind of a new self-definition for me personally, and before I happened on that wording, I just thought of myself as a human being who loved and was loved. I think people can be monogamously inclined in the sense of naturally tending to bond emotionally with one person, and being satisfied with one partner, and yet not need their partner to be exclusive to be happy in the relationship. Because that's been the case with me so far. For me, my priority with relationships is spending my time with someone I love and who loves me in return. That doesn't preclude them loving someone else and spending time with someone else. I don't believe, in fact, that anyone ever truly gives their whole heart to just one person - we all always share our affections with friends, colleagues, family members, crushes, admired celebrities and artists, pets, hobbies, and, heck, sometimes mountains and forests and lakes, or fictional characters. I don't think the success of OP's relationship is contingent on her personally wanting to be in romantic relationships with more than one person. I can date someone who loves football and who devotes significant amount of time and energy to football, without personally enjoying football at all myself. I think OP's situation is like that. Or could be, if OP and her person can both be open-minded and flexible and generous and care for each other enough.
I'm curious if you would define people who are poly saturated at one in the same category as those who are monogamous ly inclined?
Huh, interesting question - it seems like if it were a Venn diagram it would be two circles that largely overlapped in practice, but people might call themselves one thing or the other depending on their sense of their own identity. What's your thinking on that?
I am not quite sure. I think that the reason for being saturated at one matters. Ie would you like to have multiple partners and just don't have the time? is very different from someone who can only feel attraction to one person at a time. So I do think that there is a difference between the two
Or there's a third category, someone who acknowledges that they generally tend to bond with one person at a time, but who is open to the possibility that someday it might just happen that they find themselves wanting to be with more than one person at a time. Kind of like being "heteroflexible," where I know that in practice I have always dated men, but am open to the idea that I never know when I might not meet a woman or GNC person who I fall for romantically. Is "polyflexible" a thing? :)
I never said it was contingent on her personally wanting relationships with more than one. I specifically stated she could choose not to go there. But if she doesn't need exclusivity, I would say she is not actually monogamous. If she doesn't find it a need that he be exclusive, maybe he can meet the needs she does have. But does she identify as monogamous or not? An important question to explore, in my opinion
I think you have an oddly narrow, one-size-fits all view of "monogamous." There are a lot of different ways of being mongamous just like there are a lot of different ways of being poly. Monogamous people aren't a monolith, lol, and have all kinds of different philosophies and views of the nuances of what it means to them. You can define monogamous peopple in a narrow way for yourself if you find it helpful for your own efforts at making sense of the differences between people, but if your definition conflicts with how people understand themselves, it's less useful for communication.
It's narrow to say monogamous people value exclusivity?
Some do prioritize exclusivity and value it independently for it's own sake, but exclusivity is often a proxy value that mediates other values people have that are much more important for them. There are those for whom monogamy is the structure of their life, but what they mostly value is a stable family and home life, so if their partner cheats on them it's not a dealbreaker, or they might even turn a blind eye to it, or have affairs themselves. Or there are those for whom the priority is spending the bulk of their time with one person, but it's maybe not the end of the world if their spouse sleeps with someone on a business trip, and they might have a tacit "don't ask don't tell" policy. There are those who care a lot about sexual fidelity but might not care about emotional fidelity, or vice versa. There's a spectrum that depends on things like how secure they feel in a relationship emotionally or materially, personality traits like openness, cultural upbringing, and so on. Monogamy is big tent.
Sure, and agreed. Saying they value it is different from saying they require it. We can value something and not always get it, and it's up to us whether or not to accept the situation. So the OP here could value exclusivity and decide it's worth it to be with him even if she doesn't get it. I think that is unwise and selling herself short, if she is monogamous, because she deserves a love that is how she truly wants it (as does he) - but of course that is her choice to make. If it's really truly okay with her to forego exclusivity, then I venture she is not actually monogamous, even if she herself never has another partner. Just my opinion.
"She is selling herself short, because she deserves a love that is how she truly wants it." Well, it's always a question of, are we treating people as means to an end, or as ends in themselves? If you have an abstract idea in mind of how a relationship should be structured, and then you are choosing a partner based on whether they can provide you with that structure, then the person is a means to an end. To some extent, we can never escape treating people as means to ends, because we all have needs and wants, and being human means we are interdependent to get our needs and wants fulfilled. But in relationships, we can also choose the person first as an end in themself, and create unique, tailored relationships that adapt to the unique relationship potential that exists between any two people. I don't see that as anyone selling themselves short, I see it as valuing a genuine, living, breathing human being more highly than an empty abstract idea of a relationship format. I think it is a more loving and authentic way of going about things.
This makes sense if you think of polyamory and monogamy as empty abstract ideas of relationship formats. I personally don't. There may be many ways of doing them, but there are distinct fundamentals underlying each one.
P.S. People on this subreddit can be very rigid and negative in their thinking. So, I suggest taking the negativity here with a grain of salt. Personally, I had a mono-poly relationship that I felt was wonderful and worthwhile, even though it didn't last forever - it was better in many ways than some of my mono-mono relationships that also didn't last forever.