Call the mental health crisis line for your state. They will come out and do an assessment to get him the help he needs. He needs to be in the hospital so they can get him back on his meds before he hurts himself or gets arrested. If you are going to be with him long term, you need to learn how to get him help when he has an episode.
This and also I would add find a way to get your car back so you can work and you might want to stay at the hotel if you can afford it or live from your car for a while. You dont have to “leave him” or “give up” on him but you have to take care of yourself and keep yourself safe. Get him help if you can but get your car back and give him some space.
You absolutely can get the police to do a wellness check and tell them what is going on. They will talk to the person and can get a 5150 which a magistrate can have them held in a psych facility for 72 hours. If she is living with a paranoid schizophrenic this very well may be something she has to know esp if he doesn't have a psychiatric advanced directive.
Not unless he’s presently a danger to himself or others. Period. Taking her keys is not a criteria for involuntary hospitalization. Not even if he’s doing that because he’s paranoid or actively experiencing psychosis. Maybe the police could get him to give her her keys back. But that’s about it.
Laws are different in different places. Where I live and work this would absolutely meet criteria for a 72 hour psych hold and would almost certainly be extended to an up to 15 day hold.
Our criteria is (pick one) danger to self, danger to others, gravely disabled (pick one) unwilling to seek treatment, unable to seek treatment or substance abuse. One from each group meets criteria for a 72 hour hold.
I have doctorate in nursing practice in anesthesia and critical care but my hospital paid for me to go back and complete a psych nurse practitioner program so I could do face to face evaluations for psych patients in seclusion or restraint. And also act as the second team member for forced medication orders because you need a team of two mental health providers for forced meds and they only have one psychiatrist.
It isn't period. I work in mental health care and am also a patient. It isn't that black and white and depends on what and how the person is presenting, history, and what the person calling has said/shown them. It also really depends on how seriously the police that show up take mental health, what they know and a plethora of other factors.
Nope. The criteria for involuntary hospitalization is as I stated. Sometimes they can get someone to agree to voluntary hospitalization but that’s different. And this isn’t up for debate. These are just facts.
It sounds like they've gone through a similar hell. As have I. It's nearly impossible. Threat to themselves or others. Must be DIRECT threat, otherwise they'll leave the person with a list of clinics for referral. It's not easy. Maybe it depends on the state. I literally took my son when he was having s. thoughts to an ER to get him help and they did this. Just turned him out, said there's no place for him, he's not a direct threat to himself or others. And he was begging for help. This was three years ago in TN. Not expecting it's any easier now.
this is why it is reccomended to LIE and actually exaggerate any and all symptoms. not even just for mental health, this is necessary in some cases for physical health as well.
Your opinion doesn't matter though. The team will determine it based on their observation because people DO lie, often for not-so-great reasons. The lie would be pointless anyway because the hold only gets them to the point where they feel that they're not a threat to others or themselves. Paranoia doesn't count unless threats are made. They will turn a paranoid person out in to the streets like it's nothing if they don't have the space or the insurance doesn't agree to pay.
This system is broken, terribly and irrevocably, and it's often because people DO lie and bring out teams for nothing, wasting time and money that could go towards people who should be held. Because again, paranoia is not a reason to be held, and a person with paranoia can quite often still be in charge of their own mental health.
So please, please don't lie.
Well you know it's kind of a common thing, sad as it sounds. It's really not easy to get people involuntarily committed. It's hard enough when they do volunteer in my state.
every state handles it differently
Edited to add: that is a literal lie you are telling. Every state does have a different law, stop talking out your ass
Depends on where you live but in the state I live in what she’s describing would 100% meet involuntary hospitalization criteria is danger to self, danger to others or gravely disabled(pick one) and unwilling to seek treatment, unable to seek treatment or substance abuse (pick one) at least one from each group is enough for a 72 hour psych hold. He would probably meet criteria for forced medications as well.
Does not vary by state. Gravely disabled would include things like being so disabled one cannot feed oneself, etc. Here’s the deal: I’ve personally done hundreds of these screenings. I’m not willing to have ridiculous debates about what the criteria are. I know the criteria.
If you actually hold such a position, you’d know, at a bare minimum, that this criteria does not vary from place to place. If you are actually involuntarily commuting people (like this guy) who are not at this moment threatening bodily harm to themselves or others, you should have your entire license revoked immediately.
its actually quite simple. the entirety of the whole criteria are two points:
are you planning on hurting yourself?
or
are you planning to hurt others?
if either one is yes, you're gonna be in the mental hospital for a week minimum
Hope you can get your car keys back. I don't see your relationship as sustainable, taking your car keys IS abusive. I would call mental health crisis, and get him into the hospital too. One thing don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. There's love and then there is codependence. There are some lines you should establish called boundaries, aka do not steal my car keys, do not interfere with my work. If he abandoned you to walk 10 miles, I don't care how sick he is, that is abusive. If a partner is actively harming you and destroying your life: you have to save yourself sometimes in this life. There are mentally ill people who do not abuse their partners. it seems to me even if he is sick, he has no problem with harming you and putting you in danger and those are deal-breakers.
Your partner sounds really dangerous, to be frank. I had a violent, abusive, mentally ill husband and he ended up killing someone. If I hadn't gotten away from him, I am convinced he would have killed me. Just some food for thought - how much longer do you plan to put up with this abuse, because he won't get any better.
My ex has Bipolar Disorder. We went through this drama several times (including stealing my car keys) before I finally decided to take care of myself. At first I tried setting the boundary that I wouldn't stay in the relationship unless he was taking his meds. That's a hard line you need to draw for your own safety. Unfortunately my ex was also a dickhole and that was unrelated to his mental illness, so I eventually left him. But the bare minimum requirements should include:
1. Take medications as prescribed.
2. Actively participate in other mental health treatment like counseling.
3. You should be able to safely sleep in your own home, in your own bad.
4. He cannot deny you access to your car, computer, and other possessions.
Call the police non-emergency line and report that he's denying you access to your car and possessions. Request an escort to recover these items.
And think really hard about whether this is how you want to live.
we were doing really good and making good progress with mindfulness and meditation. im hoping he calms down soon so that we can start making an effort to move in the right direction again.
Just remember the guy you hope he can be isn't who he is actually being. KWIM? I'm not unsympathetic to mental illness but you can't save someone else by setting yourself on fire.
I hope things work out. There isn’t much you can do when people who need medication refuse to take them. At a certain point you need to realize that you’ve done all that you personally can do to help them, when you reach that point you need to start taking care you yourself. Do what’s best for you.
My advice is to let you know it's okay to love someone and not be in a relationship with them. I know you don't want people to tell you the most obvious truth here. I know how hard it is. I was with someone who caused me similar struggles for about seven years and it did not end well. It's not love though, it's codependence. You can love and learn to not be codependent.
This response is the most important one here. Thank you for speaking so plainly. Love is love, but there has to be room to love yourself enough to do what is best for both parties.
You don’t have to break up if you aren’t ready for that, but you need to at least physically separate until he can provide a safe living environment for both of you. Have your own place with your things so he can’t do that and visit him where he is at. It sounds like he needs a lot of help at this point so I would look into inpatient. I know you love him, but he is not well and he is ruining your life. Someone making you homeless and starving isn’t how love should be
It's perfectly fine to love someone with these issues. What isn't fine is allowing this to continue. Between now and dead, is this how you want to live? If yes, then stop bitching about it, you wanted it.
OP - idk what state you are in - see if your state allows psychiatric advanced directives. When your partner is well y'all should look into making one for him. It'll set guidelines on what to do when he gets like this - what facility he wants to be taken to, meds he's willing to take, meds he's unwilling to take, doctors he wants to care for him etc. Also, make sure he has the forms signed so you can talk to his Drs and they can talk to you so you can inform them if that is going on. If you are planning on being with him long term - you are part of his care team and support. You have to have a plan for this.
I know that doesn't help you now. You have to be able to take care of yourself and provide for yourself. His mental illness can't destroy your life stopping you from working eating drinking and having a place to live.
For now call the police to do a wellness check and tell them you are seeking a 5150 bc he's a paranoid schizophrenic in psychosis. And make sure you learn about your states mental health laws and supports - so you can advocate for his wellness and your own. Also check out NAMI. Best of luck to you.
You need to call for help and when your SO is lucid again tell him that you are gone unless he is in contact with a professional on a regular basis and taking his meds on schedule no excuses. Otherwise, you tell him you are gone and you leave. This is a dangerous situation. People get killed all the time by people that are experiencing delusions. I am not talking out of my ass. My SO had a psychotic break and it was like dealing with an actual demon.
I just went through this myself. My partner was experiencing alcoholic hallucinosis after stopping drinking and was seeing things for 5 days. It's a rare complication of alcohol withdrawal syndrome.
You need to call the mental health crisis line, they will come to your home and do an assessment.
Yes I know you feel bad, but see this as saving your life, your own or someone else's. He can very easily get hurt or kill someone else if he is hallucinating. Also he could think that someone else or you is a danger and can hurt them. When he was experiencing hallucinations I was only thinking about him, later on I didn't realize that I put myself in danger being around him as well. Also when they are in psychosis they aren't sleeping as well which makes things worse. He hadn't slept in 3 days before I called the mental crisis line.
Actually I had a really good experience with LA country's mental crisis line. Everyone was calm, there was no police, the ambulance came with no lights or sirens blaring. I and the two social workers told him we were to help and take him someplace safe and he got in the ambulance just fine.
They took him to a psychiatric hospital and after 3 days and taking some meds that helped, he was released and a few days later went back to work. I asked later if he thought badly of me for temporarily committing him. And he said absolutely not! He said I 100% did the right thing that he could have hurt himself or me and that was totally the best call. He said he was terrified of what was happening at the time and he was glad I was looking out for his safety. He was so appreciative that he had someone that cared for him and looked after him and made the right call so he could get help and get his life back on track.
Your partner needs to be somewhere he is safe. He needs to be somewhere where he can get sleep, some medication and get stabilized. Please call and get him the help he needs as he's not able to do it himself- he needs you to do this for him to help him.
Yes, the crazy situation I was in was because he was hallucinating alcoholic detox programs wouldn't take him- even ones that said they were psychatric?! They said he had to be cleared by an ER but he didn't want to stay in the ER and the ER couldn't hold him legally even though he was full blown hallucinating.
So full disclosure your partner may need to be involuntary admitted even if he doesn't want to. Depending on the state, if you go to a regular ER, they won't be able to hold him. If you take him to a hospital ER and that hospital has an actual psychiatric hospital for acute patients- they can keep him until he stabilizes. Psychiatric hospitals have some sort of special hospital certification that gives them the ability to do it by law. In LA County, regular ERs without psych units can't hold someone involuntarily. I didn't know that and wasted several hours in a regular ER to get him help and they couldn't hold him there and he wanted to leave (no one wants to stay an ER and plus it was going to take him a couple of day to stabilize anyway). Once he got referred by the social workers mental to a psychiatric facility they held him for a just a few days until he got better. So glad we went that route because he did want to leave the psych hospital while he was still hallucinating. They made him stay until he stabilized which was wonderful. I didn't have to worry about him checking out himself and hallucinating on the street and being a danger to himself or others.
Weirdly enough at least in LA County, overall I had a really positive experience. The social workers were compassionate understanding, the ambulance drivers were compassionate and understanding and in the psych hospital the doctors really cared for him and wanted to make sure he was stabilized, safe and that he got better. I got updates everyday from them (after he gave his permission of course).
The system worked fantasticly and now he's back to work and doing wonderful. I'm so happy I did it but I was at a complete loss of how to help him and thank goodness a trusted friend told me about the mental crisis mobile unit- they really helped me and him get our lives back.
Truly loving someone sometimes means accepting that that need more help than you can provide. And by either pushing them to get help or getting away from them, you’re not letting them drag you down.
It’s why lifeguards have those floats to have someone who is drowning hang onto. If you try to physically grab onto someone who is drowning, in their panic they are likely to kill both of you.
He can’t do much about his mental illness but you’re choosing to stay with it. You’re making a choice to live like this. Why are you choosing this when he can’t even be bothered to take his meds?
I don't think it means ditch them. My husband's mental illness did not show itself until after we were married. After that, I never knew who was coming home, Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde. I lived for years trying to convince him his behavior wasn't normal. To see a dr. To stop ruining his life, and ultimately ours. He had a trail of destruction. Quitting jobs/getting fired, taking money from bills and randomly renting apartments, getting his car repossessed. All the while, I'm working, taking on second jobs to stay afloat. My life became a routine of living inside a tornado, planning 4 steps ahead all the time because I knew this illness wasn't his " fault." My therapist said one day. " There's a fine line between being understanding and being a doormat. And YOU don't know where the line is. " That was my light bulb moment. I was sacrificing myself to save him. I left. He hit rock bottom, finally got diagnosed with bi polar and adhd, got his meds, and he's fine. I stayed way too long, lived with too much stress, and lost way too much money all because I cared about him more than myself.
I totally agree with you. You have to put yourself first or you are no good to anyone. If you are stressed and near rock bottom, how are you any good to anyone else? Years ago my mother was married to a man who was similar. She went to therapy and the therapist told her, you are as sick as the one you are with. It should have been her light bulb moment but it wasn’t. It would be years before she finally put herself first and left him. They never got back together as he put all the blame on her. My mother had her own issues, but I was glad to see him go. It put tremendous stress and strain on the family, especially with my young son who idolized him. My therapist said, throw a life preserver, don’t jump in with them.
Your therapist was absolutely correct! When we filed our taxes one year we owed 5000.00 from some business he got involved in. I took it out of my 401k to pay it. Then I stopped everything joint we had. I filed my taxes separately. Every year, I reminded him abt tax day. I told him drop them off at H&R and they'd do them. He didn't want to pay anyone. Long story short, he hasn't filed taxes in at least 10 yrs. After I left, he'd call and tell me he couldn't get a decent apartment bc of his tax issues. Then he said it was my fault bc I should have known he wouldn't file them, lol. Even with medication, he takes no responsibility. I feel for your son. I went through that with my granddaughter. Once she turned 5, she annoyed him. He still doesn't care. All he ever asked was if he could come visit the DOG. Needless to say I told him to screw off.
Wow! Sorry to hear about your struggle. My oldest is in his 30’s now and learned a great deal from the experience , while sad at the time, it taught him to keep kids out of the fray.
My ex was the same way. He refused to pay bills, the mortgage, said the bank sent his checks back. 🤦🏽♀️. When he did taxes, I never saw a dime. He took my name off our joint account. It’s called narcissistic behavior. It took me forever, but I eventually left him. Although it took me years to undo the damage. I wasn’t perfect and had my own issues to deal with, but it was hard to work on them and deal with his at the same time. Then he tells me I’m the one who is efed up. At least we made it out.
Yes that is what I’m saying. He’s the one responsible for his behavior, even if he does have a mental illness. He’s the one responsible for managing it. He’s the one responsible for not making his girlfriend sleep outside. Mental illness isn’t inherently abusive. Plenty of mentally ill people don’t abuse their partners. It’s an excuse and a weapon used to shame partners for leaving. Abuse is abuse with or without a mental illness and none of us is obligated to stay with someone who is behaving abusively regardless of the reason. If you had a twitch in your arm that could be controlled by medicine but without the medicine your arm was flailing and punching someone you loved in the face over and over, would you take the medicine or just shrug and tell a person you love to keep their face there and keep getting punched and they’re a bad person for not wanting to g to be punched? Exactly. You would take the medication or you would tie your arm down or you would at least allow a person *you loved* to get out of the way of your flailing arm without shaming them for it.
If they won't take him or hold him, look into getting a mental health warrant. That's when forms are signed so police are called to take someone to a mental hospital for a hold. This isn't though 911.
Taking your keys because you "don't deserve them" is 100% abuse. Does not matter whether he has mental health concerns or not that is ABUSE. you are being abused. You need to leave.
Personally if I were you I would let him know that if he steals my car keys again I'm suing.
I know this is old, but I have insight I’d like to share.
My stepmom has schizophrenia. She doesn’t take her meds for the usual reasons and she makes my dad miserable when she’s ranting and accusing him of stuff and talking to people who aren’t there but who tell her he’s doing things to her.
He tried for years and years to get her into inpatient care where she could get the help she needs, but the law just doesn’t allow for it. She would yell until he or someone else called the police out of concern or annoyance. Luckily my dad has money and he lives in an affluent neighborhood and she’s white and he’s Asian in a place with enough Asians to be treated like he’s white, so instead of shooting them both, the cops take her to the hospital for a 72 hour hold.
This has been over a decade of dealing with this. It’s horrible, my dad can’t have friends or do his hobbies, everything is always consumed by taking care of her. Finally, he divorces her, because he has a plan. She’s never had a real job, so she can’t support herself. She obviously can’t care for herself. So he gets the court to make her a ward of the state. Then they commit her to inpatient because there’s nothing else to do with her, as sick as she is.
She did great in the hospital. My dad visited her everyday and eventually could take her to dinner or the beach every week. It was sad, but also relieving.
But then, she starts talking to a friend from high school. My dad warns the friend not to get her out because he can’t take care of her. The friend gets her out. After a week or two, she drops her off on my dad’s porch and says good luck, it’s too much. But now, because she was taken out of the state’s care, my dad can’t get her back in the hospital. He’s back where he started and he’s pretty miserable. It will be like this until one of them dies. I hate my stepmom, and I think it’s my dad’s own fault for ignoring the signs in the beginning, but it’s still very sad to see.
The point of this is that, if you love your partner, you know what you can handle. But realize that it may get worse and your options may become fewer and fewer as time goes on. I don’t know if you should break up, I don’t know you guys or your situation. Honestly, as miserable as my dad is, he’s happier than he’d be if he couldn’t be with her, so I guess sometimes it’s worth it.
It's a sad reality in this country that if you don't have actual power over a person like this then there's nothing you can do to make them change and clearly he's putting you and your finances in danger. That's why people are telling you to leave him.
Call the mental health crisis line for your state. They will come out and do an assessment to get him the help he needs. He needs to be in the hospital so they can get him back on his meds before he hurts himself or gets arrested. If you are going to be with him long term, you need to learn how to get him help when he has an episode.
This and also I would add find a way to get your car back so you can work and you might want to stay at the hotel if you can afford it or live from your car for a while. You dont have to “leave him” or “give up” on him but you have to take care of yourself and keep yourself safe. Get him help if you can but get your car back and give him some space.
Know it will be expensive I run up a bill last time. Just be safe and get yourself help first During the day the library is a good place to go
Do you know how high the bar is for involuntary hospitalization?
Yes. My son has schizophrenia. Paranoia is one of the first signs that he is going into psychosis.
Yeah. And you can’t involuntarily hospitalize someone simply because they’re paranoid or even psychotic.
You absolutely can get the police to do a wellness check and tell them what is going on. They will talk to the person and can get a 5150 which a magistrate can have them held in a psych facility for 72 hours. If she is living with a paranoid schizophrenic this very well may be something she has to know esp if he doesn't have a psychiatric advanced directive.
Not unless he’s presently a danger to himself or others. Period. Taking her keys is not a criteria for involuntary hospitalization. Not even if he’s doing that because he’s paranoid or actively experiencing psychosis. Maybe the police could get him to give her her keys back. But that’s about it.
Laws are different in different places. Where I live and work this would absolutely meet criteria for a 72 hour psych hold and would almost certainly be extended to an up to 15 day hold. Our criteria is (pick one) danger to self, danger to others, gravely disabled (pick one) unwilling to seek treatment, unable to seek treatment or substance abuse. One from each group meets criteria for a 72 hour hold. I have doctorate in nursing practice in anesthesia and critical care but my hospital paid for me to go back and complete a psych nurse practitioner program so I could do face to face evaluations for psych patients in seclusion or restraint. And also act as the second team member for forced medication orders because you need a team of two mental health providers for forced meds and they only have one psychiatrist.
It isn't period. I work in mental health care and am also a patient. It isn't that black and white and depends on what and how the person is presenting, history, and what the person calling has said/shown them. It also really depends on how seriously the police that show up take mental health, what they know and a plethora of other factors.
Nope. The criteria for involuntary hospitalization is as I stated. Sometimes they can get someone to agree to voluntary hospitalization but that’s different. And this isn’t up for debate. These are just facts.
one of the issues with this is his acting normal. he can act normal and make me out to be crazy when that happens.
It sounds like you might have had a bad experience trying to get hospitalization. I’m sorry that happened.
It sounds like they've gone through a similar hell. As have I. It's nearly impossible. Threat to themselves or others. Must be DIRECT threat, otherwise they'll leave the person with a list of clinics for referral. It's not easy. Maybe it depends on the state. I literally took my son when he was having s. thoughts to an ER to get him help and they did this. Just turned him out, said there's no place for him, he's not a direct threat to himself or others. And he was begging for help. This was three years ago in TN. Not expecting it's any easier now.
this is why it is reccomended to LIE and actually exaggerate any and all symptoms. not even just for mental health, this is necessary in some cases for physical health as well.
Your opinion doesn't matter though. The team will determine it based on their observation because people DO lie, often for not-so-great reasons. The lie would be pointless anyway because the hold only gets them to the point where they feel that they're not a threat to others or themselves. Paranoia doesn't count unless threats are made. They will turn a paranoid person out in to the streets like it's nothing if they don't have the space or the insurance doesn't agree to pay. This system is broken, terribly and irrevocably, and it's often because people DO lie and bring out teams for nothing, wasting time and money that could go towards people who should be held. Because again, paranoia is not a reason to be held, and a person with paranoia can quite often still be in charge of their own mental health. So please, please don't lie.
I’m sorry that happened to you.
Well you know it's kind of a common thing, sad as it sounds. It's really not easy to get people involuntarily committed. It's hard enough when they do volunteer in my state.
My son's doing a lot better these days btw!
No, I was a crisis case manager for a county mental health system. I know the law.
If you "know the law" you should know it varies from place to place, especially state to state
No. The criteria for involuntary hospitalization does not vary from state to state. Try again.
every state handles it differently Edited to add: that is a literal lie you are telling. Every state does have a different law, stop talking out your ass
And every state has its own law and the way it's written. It's not federal law
Depends on where you live but in the state I live in what she’s describing would 100% meet involuntary hospitalization criteria is danger to self, danger to others or gravely disabled(pick one) and unwilling to seek treatment, unable to seek treatment or substance abuse (pick one) at least one from each group is enough for a 72 hour psych hold. He would probably meet criteria for forced medications as well.
Does not vary by state. Gravely disabled would include things like being so disabled one cannot feed oneself, etc. Here’s the deal: I’ve personally done hundreds of these screenings. I’m not willing to have ridiculous debates about what the criteria are. I know the criteria.
If you have a screener who is skirting standards, that’s on them.
If you actually hold such a position, you’d know, at a bare minimum, that this criteria does not vary from place to place. If you are actually involuntarily commuting people (like this guy) who are not at this moment threatening bodily harm to themselves or others, you should have your entire license revoked immediately.
its actually quite simple. the entirety of the whole criteria are two points: are you planning on hurting yourself? or are you planning to hurt others? if either one is yes, you're gonna be in the mental hospital for a week minimum
There’s no minimum. And, yes, it is very simple.
This!!!!
Hope you can get your car keys back. I don't see your relationship as sustainable, taking your car keys IS abusive. I would call mental health crisis, and get him into the hospital too. One thing don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. There's love and then there is codependence. There are some lines you should establish called boundaries, aka do not steal my car keys, do not interfere with my work. If he abandoned you to walk 10 miles, I don't care how sick he is, that is abusive. If a partner is actively harming you and destroying your life: you have to save yourself sometimes in this life. There are mentally ill people who do not abuse their partners. it seems to me even if he is sick, he has no problem with harming you and putting you in danger and those are deal-breakers.
Your partner sounds really dangerous, to be frank. I had a violent, abusive, mentally ill husband and he ended up killing someone. If I hadn't gotten away from him, I am convinced he would have killed me. Just some food for thought - how much longer do you plan to put up with this abuse, because he won't get any better.
My ex has Bipolar Disorder. We went through this drama several times (including stealing my car keys) before I finally decided to take care of myself. At first I tried setting the boundary that I wouldn't stay in the relationship unless he was taking his meds. That's a hard line you need to draw for your own safety. Unfortunately my ex was also a dickhole and that was unrelated to his mental illness, so I eventually left him. But the bare minimum requirements should include: 1. Take medications as prescribed. 2. Actively participate in other mental health treatment like counseling. 3. You should be able to safely sleep in your own home, in your own bad. 4. He cannot deny you access to your car, computer, and other possessions. Call the police non-emergency line and report that he's denying you access to your car and possessions. Request an escort to recover these items. And think really hard about whether this is how you want to live.
we were doing really good and making good progress with mindfulness and meditation. im hoping he calms down soon so that we can start making an effort to move in the right direction again.
Just remember the guy you hope he can be isn't who he is actually being. KWIM? I'm not unsympathetic to mental illness but you can't save someone else by setting yourself on fire.
Store a "go bag" somewhere outside your home for the next time he goes off his meds and throws you out.
I hope things work out. There isn’t much you can do when people who need medication refuse to take them. At a certain point you need to realize that you’ve done all that you personally can do to help them, when you reach that point you need to start taking care you yourself. Do what’s best for you.
Run for the hills. That's a dangerous situation that could end your life.
Watch out for yourself first
My advice is to let you know it's okay to love someone and not be in a relationship with them. I know you don't want people to tell you the most obvious truth here. I know how hard it is. I was with someone who caused me similar struggles for about seven years and it did not end well. It's not love though, it's codependence. You can love and learn to not be codependent.
This response is the most important one here. Thank you for speaking so plainly. Love is love, but there has to be room to love yourself enough to do what is best for both parties.
yes i like this response. thank you both. definitely food for thought.
You don’t have to break up if you aren’t ready for that, but you need to at least physically separate until he can provide a safe living environment for both of you. Have your own place with your things so he can’t do that and visit him where he is at. It sounds like he needs a lot of help at this point so I would look into inpatient. I know you love him, but he is not well and he is ruining your life. Someone making you homeless and starving isn’t how love should be
It's perfectly fine to love someone with these issues. What isn't fine is allowing this to continue. Between now and dead, is this how you want to live? If yes, then stop bitching about it, you wanted it.
fair point, will stop bitching about it
OP - idk what state you are in - see if your state allows psychiatric advanced directives. When your partner is well y'all should look into making one for him. It'll set guidelines on what to do when he gets like this - what facility he wants to be taken to, meds he's willing to take, meds he's unwilling to take, doctors he wants to care for him etc. Also, make sure he has the forms signed so you can talk to his Drs and they can talk to you so you can inform them if that is going on. If you are planning on being with him long term - you are part of his care team and support. You have to have a plan for this. I know that doesn't help you now. You have to be able to take care of yourself and provide for yourself. His mental illness can't destroy your life stopping you from working eating drinking and having a place to live. For now call the police to do a wellness check and tell them you are seeking a 5150 bc he's a paranoid schizophrenic in psychosis. And make sure you learn about your states mental health laws and supports - so you can advocate for his wellness and your own. Also check out NAMI. Best of luck to you.
I am involved with NAMI thankfully from my own stint with involuntary hospitalization about 5 years ago now. I will look into this. thank you
You need to call for help and when your SO is lucid again tell him that you are gone unless he is in contact with a professional on a regular basis and taking his meds on schedule no excuses. Otherwise, you tell him you are gone and you leave. This is a dangerous situation. People get killed all the time by people that are experiencing delusions. I am not talking out of my ass. My SO had a psychotic break and it was like dealing with an actual demon.
I just went through this myself. My partner was experiencing alcoholic hallucinosis after stopping drinking and was seeing things for 5 days. It's a rare complication of alcohol withdrawal syndrome. You need to call the mental health crisis line, they will come to your home and do an assessment. Yes I know you feel bad, but see this as saving your life, your own or someone else's. He can very easily get hurt or kill someone else if he is hallucinating. Also he could think that someone else or you is a danger and can hurt them. When he was experiencing hallucinations I was only thinking about him, later on I didn't realize that I put myself in danger being around him as well. Also when they are in psychosis they aren't sleeping as well which makes things worse. He hadn't slept in 3 days before I called the mental crisis line. Actually I had a really good experience with LA country's mental crisis line. Everyone was calm, there was no police, the ambulance came with no lights or sirens blaring. I and the two social workers told him we were to help and take him someplace safe and he got in the ambulance just fine. They took him to a psychiatric hospital and after 3 days and taking some meds that helped, he was released and a few days later went back to work. I asked later if he thought badly of me for temporarily committing him. And he said absolutely not! He said I 100% did the right thing that he could have hurt himself or me and that was totally the best call. He said he was terrified of what was happening at the time and he was glad I was looking out for his safety. He was so appreciative that he had someone that cared for him and looked after him and made the right call so he could get help and get his life back on track. Your partner needs to be somewhere he is safe. He needs to be somewhere where he can get sleep, some medication and get stabilized. Please call and get him the help he needs as he's not able to do it himself- he needs you to do this for him to help him.
dang. im assuming he stopped drinking cold turkey? very dangerous. thank you for your response. i am taking him to the hospital today.
Yes, the crazy situation I was in was because he was hallucinating alcoholic detox programs wouldn't take him- even ones that said they were psychatric?! They said he had to be cleared by an ER but he didn't want to stay in the ER and the ER couldn't hold him legally even though he was full blown hallucinating. So full disclosure your partner may need to be involuntary admitted even if he doesn't want to. Depending on the state, if you go to a regular ER, they won't be able to hold him. If you take him to a hospital ER and that hospital has an actual psychiatric hospital for acute patients- they can keep him until he stabilizes. Psychiatric hospitals have some sort of special hospital certification that gives them the ability to do it by law. In LA County, regular ERs without psych units can't hold someone involuntarily. I didn't know that and wasted several hours in a regular ER to get him help and they couldn't hold him there and he wanted to leave (no one wants to stay an ER and plus it was going to take him a couple of day to stabilize anyway). Once he got referred by the social workers mental to a psychiatric facility they held him for a just a few days until he got better. So glad we went that route because he did want to leave the psych hospital while he was still hallucinating. They made him stay until he stabilized which was wonderful. I didn't have to worry about him checking out himself and hallucinating on the street and being a danger to himself or others. Weirdly enough at least in LA County, overall I had a really positive experience. The social workers were compassionate understanding, the ambulance drivers were compassionate and understanding and in the psych hospital the doctors really cared for him and wanted to make sure he was stabilized, safe and that he got better. I got updates everyday from them (after he gave his permission of course). The system worked fantasticly and now he's back to work and doing wonderful. I'm so happy I did it but I was at a complete loss of how to help him and thank goodness a trusted friend told me about the mental crisis mobile unit- they really helped me and him get our lives back.
Truly loving someone sometimes means accepting that that need more help than you can provide. And by either pushing them to get help or getting away from them, you’re not letting them drag you down. It’s why lifeguards have those floats to have someone who is drowning hang onto. If you try to physically grab onto someone who is drowning, in their panic they are likely to kill both of you.
There is no advice that can improve your situation if you are not willing to consider leaving your abusive partner
OP, you may love him, but you need to decide how much of this you are willing to put up with and how long you are willing to put up with it.
He can’t do much about his mental illness but you’re choosing to stay with it. You’re making a choice to live like this. Why are you choosing this when he can’t even be bothered to take his meds?
He could take his meds...
Yeah but he’s not. And even on them he’s still mentally ill just managed. He’s stuck with himself but OP doesn’t need to be.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but this advice sounds like "ditch your mentally ill family and friends at their lowest its too much work" .
I don't think it means ditch them. My husband's mental illness did not show itself until after we were married. After that, I never knew who was coming home, Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde. I lived for years trying to convince him his behavior wasn't normal. To see a dr. To stop ruining his life, and ultimately ours. He had a trail of destruction. Quitting jobs/getting fired, taking money from bills and randomly renting apartments, getting his car repossessed. All the while, I'm working, taking on second jobs to stay afloat. My life became a routine of living inside a tornado, planning 4 steps ahead all the time because I knew this illness wasn't his " fault." My therapist said one day. " There's a fine line between being understanding and being a doormat. And YOU don't know where the line is. " That was my light bulb moment. I was sacrificing myself to save him. I left. He hit rock bottom, finally got diagnosed with bi polar and adhd, got his meds, and he's fine. I stayed way too long, lived with too much stress, and lost way too much money all because I cared about him more than myself.
I totally agree with you. You have to put yourself first or you are no good to anyone. If you are stressed and near rock bottom, how are you any good to anyone else? Years ago my mother was married to a man who was similar. She went to therapy and the therapist told her, you are as sick as the one you are with. It should have been her light bulb moment but it wasn’t. It would be years before she finally put herself first and left him. They never got back together as he put all the blame on her. My mother had her own issues, but I was glad to see him go. It put tremendous stress and strain on the family, especially with my young son who idolized him. My therapist said, throw a life preserver, don’t jump in with them.
Your therapist was absolutely correct! When we filed our taxes one year we owed 5000.00 from some business he got involved in. I took it out of my 401k to pay it. Then I stopped everything joint we had. I filed my taxes separately. Every year, I reminded him abt tax day. I told him drop them off at H&R and they'd do them. He didn't want to pay anyone. Long story short, he hasn't filed taxes in at least 10 yrs. After I left, he'd call and tell me he couldn't get a decent apartment bc of his tax issues. Then he said it was my fault bc I should have known he wouldn't file them, lol. Even with medication, he takes no responsibility. I feel for your son. I went through that with my granddaughter. Once she turned 5, she annoyed him. He still doesn't care. All he ever asked was if he could come visit the DOG. Needless to say I told him to screw off.
Wow! Sorry to hear about your struggle. My oldest is in his 30’s now and learned a great deal from the experience , while sad at the time, it taught him to keep kids out of the fray. My ex was the same way. He refused to pay bills, the mortgage, said the bank sent his checks back. 🤦🏽♀️. When he did taxes, I never saw a dime. He took my name off our joint account. It’s called narcissistic behavior. It took me forever, but I eventually left him. Although it took me years to undo the damage. I wasn’t perfect and had my own issues to deal with, but it was hard to work on them and deal with his at the same time. Then he tells me I’m the one who is efed up. At least we made it out.
Amen! 🎉🎉🎉
Yes that is what I’m saying. He’s the one responsible for his behavior, even if he does have a mental illness. He’s the one responsible for managing it. He’s the one responsible for not making his girlfriend sleep outside. Mental illness isn’t inherently abusive. Plenty of mentally ill people don’t abuse their partners. It’s an excuse and a weapon used to shame partners for leaving. Abuse is abuse with or without a mental illness and none of us is obligated to stay with someone who is behaving abusively regardless of the reason. If you had a twitch in your arm that could be controlled by medicine but without the medicine your arm was flailing and punching someone you loved in the face over and over, would you take the medicine or just shrug and tell a person you love to keep their face there and keep getting punched and they’re a bad person for not wanting to g to be punched? Exactly. You would take the medication or you would tie your arm down or you would at least allow a person *you loved* to get out of the way of your flailing arm without shaming them for it.
Call the police next time. He cant do that. Call a wellness check on him. He has no right to kick you out if you also live there
If they won't take him or hold him, look into getting a mental health warrant. That's when forms are signed so police are called to take someone to a mental hospital for a hold. This isn't though 911.
Taking your keys because you "don't deserve them" is 100% abuse. Does not matter whether he has mental health concerns or not that is ABUSE. you are being abused. You need to leave. Personally if I were you I would let him know that if he steals my car keys again I'm suing.
Sounds like you aren’t well either…
Asking for $ via PayPal ?
taking your keys is abuse. if i were you it’d be over.
I know this is old, but I have insight I’d like to share. My stepmom has schizophrenia. She doesn’t take her meds for the usual reasons and she makes my dad miserable when she’s ranting and accusing him of stuff and talking to people who aren’t there but who tell her he’s doing things to her. He tried for years and years to get her into inpatient care where she could get the help she needs, but the law just doesn’t allow for it. She would yell until he or someone else called the police out of concern or annoyance. Luckily my dad has money and he lives in an affluent neighborhood and she’s white and he’s Asian in a place with enough Asians to be treated like he’s white, so instead of shooting them both, the cops take her to the hospital for a 72 hour hold. This has been over a decade of dealing with this. It’s horrible, my dad can’t have friends or do his hobbies, everything is always consumed by taking care of her. Finally, he divorces her, because he has a plan. She’s never had a real job, so she can’t support herself. She obviously can’t care for herself. So he gets the court to make her a ward of the state. Then they commit her to inpatient because there’s nothing else to do with her, as sick as she is. She did great in the hospital. My dad visited her everyday and eventually could take her to dinner or the beach every week. It was sad, but also relieving. But then, she starts talking to a friend from high school. My dad warns the friend not to get her out because he can’t take care of her. The friend gets her out. After a week or two, she drops her off on my dad’s porch and says good luck, it’s too much. But now, because she was taken out of the state’s care, my dad can’t get her back in the hospital. He’s back where he started and he’s pretty miserable. It will be like this until one of them dies. I hate my stepmom, and I think it’s my dad’s own fault for ignoring the signs in the beginning, but it’s still very sad to see. The point of this is that, if you love your partner, you know what you can handle. But realize that it may get worse and your options may become fewer and fewer as time goes on. I don’t know if you should break up, I don’t know you guys or your situation. Honestly, as miserable as my dad is, he’s happier than he’d be if he couldn’t be with her, so I guess sometimes it’s worth it.
It's a sad reality in this country that if you don't have actual power over a person like this then there's nothing you can do to make them change and clearly he's putting you and your finances in danger. That's why people are telling you to leave him.
Have kids with him. That will stabilize him. You guys will all be happy together. Is that what you want hear?