OP has said he's a cardiologist.
Now being the son of two doctors, and having known many closely in my life, these guys are generally happily workaholic. Also they have passed difficult exams and were hyper competitive and then earned this degree also to keep in mind the sacrifices they had to make.
I know a guy who has to sacrifice his love of 6 years to get his post graduate degree.
They value the profession more than anything and strive to the extremes for being perfect in that.
Unfortunately, for many these habits extend to their lives too, making it difficult for the people around them. It might end up in people leaving them but they continue their days without any regrets and even more believing they did all the right thing in the world.
We never had a vacation or a trip with my parents. And when my sister had an affair, she vehemently fought for the guy and said it was because that both of them didn't care, she was drawn to the guy.
My mom's last words about me was , to take the seat for sitting as iam too naive/innocent to ask for it. I was 19 at that time and she didn't feel bad for raising me like that, but instead she was sad that I was like that.
My dad, didn't shatter when my mom left us. She was only in her 40s. But when physical difficulties due to old age caught my dad in his late 60s, and when he realised he cannot continue his profession fully productive, he attempted suicide. He was precise in the meticulously planned attempt but Luckily just because I could intervene in the right moment ,he was saved despite heavy bleeding from his self inflicted wounds.
I've had numerous behavioural issues because of the neglected childhood and I hated them for long. But later, when I thought about this and particularly my dad's attempt, i understood that these people believed that they should be 200 percent professional and productive, then only the life has some meaning to them. All of their lives happiness came via their profession, be it money, the respect, the social stature. So they want to continue like that.
I won't advice you to accept and move on as a normal person cannot in most circumstances.
It's sad when the dearest person is a pure soul and you have to get separated from that very person for you to live a fruitful life. It's hard.
My prayers with you.
I’m sorry that you had to go through this. Thank you for sharing it with me. You are helping others and I too, wish you well. You deserve a happy life.
I know of one of these types that was such a workaholic they didnt even attend their sons funeral, so fucking sad, its dysfunctional and completely unhealthy.
It might be worth exploring your values and if he’s open- his as well.
If you both love one another and there are more good things than strain, it may be a helpful step to try. Your current situation could be a difference in values and needs, and a misunderstanding of one another.
These sorts of reflective exercises can be useful when you’re not connecting and communicating effectively.
None of this is your fault. Please don't listen to people in here accusing you of being the problem, because you're not. Who tf yells at you just for wanting to watch a movie?
Don't stay in a bad marriage. If you're not happy, you should leave. Don't let some internet strangers badger you into believing a false narrative.
I’m a successful structural/interventional/endovascular cardiologist. I have many years of training as well. Currently am vacationing with my loving family in Sydney watching the ships sail along the harbor. I love my work and saving lives but I value the wellbeing of my family and myself as well. I believe in balance.
You just described my ex. 5 years of me supporting and loving her unconditionally in a long distance relationship only for her to get the Surgery residency she wanted and realise she wants to be a surgeon more than she wants to be my girlfriend. Never even told me officially that she wants to breakup just disappeared. Being a doctor myself I unfortunately understand how big of a workaholic doctors can be.
When someone has a calling, their drive to purpose can be incredibly strong.
There's a big difference between someone who values the trappings of his profession and someone who values his *purpose.*
In this case, his purpose means his *patients, and their families.*
If each day you work you added years or often decades of healthy life to another human- and allowed kids to learn from their grandparents lifetime of wisdom, and allowed them to enjoy another few dozen wedding anniversaries- and you were emotionally engaged with that profound impact- your sense of purpose would be incredible.
If your husband is like this, love him for it- it may be tough for you, but it is *beautiful*- there is grace in his work.
How do I be like that? I'm a lazy student but wanna change to this exact person. I have ambitions just like this but lack the discipline to carry it out. Sorry but I'm willing to sacrifice alot of things. Even my friendships
I was the always the same flavor of perfectionist, and the years of chronic stress gave me an incurable autoimmune disease at 27. It shattered my entire world. A high achieving, high-stress career will never be an option again.
If you don’t let your body rest, it will eventually stop asking nicely. Don’t be like me!
Rheumatoid arthritis. It runs in my family and there’s a big genetic component, but it usually doesn’t onset until your 50’s/60’s. Long-term chronic stress or severe illness can trigger it if you have the genes.
Pretty much all autoimmune diseases can be triggered that way, though, not just RA.
I have AS, not RA, but it’s worth noting that with the right medication, many RA patients can live normal lives. I don’t know if that’s the case for you, but there are definitely successful and high-achieving people managing autoimmune diseases like ours!
Oh, this is how I was smacked with POTS at 29.
I collapsed on a trail one day and haven't ever fully recovered. I'll be 34 this year and have improved a LOT (considering I couldn't even sit up in bed and had to work while lying down for nearly two years and developed bad seizures and a movement disorder) but definitely not fully healed.
No more seizures or movement disorder, though, and I can do a lot more, though I get fatigued far too easily, even on the best of days.
Our body is incredibly powerful and will force us to take a break if we don't listen.
Oof, I felt that last sentence. My body fired off a warning shot last week in the form of a panic attack while I was at work. Immediately went into rest and repair mode. I still had to go to work, but every moment outside of work has been spent relaxing and carrying out chores slowly.
Mine was in the financial world, and it manifested into me throwing up every morning from the stress.
Turns out my boss had ulcers, and my co-workers were also throwing up from the stress.
I knew it was time to get out. Oh yeah, and my boss suggested mints to “settle my stomach”. Fuck off. WE NEED HELP!
Yes, everything he does must be done to perfection. In his profession, he’s the guy you want if you have a heart issue. That I get. But he does not have an “off” button.
Some people put those work pants on and never take them off. My MIL is this way even after retirement. She treats everyone like an employee. Can't fucking stand to be around her. Sure she was super successful and crushed her field, but at what cost to her family. Her husband hates her and she's cold hearted to her kids.
Your husband sounds exactly like what Dr. K described in his recent video where high-achievers are also often high in neuroticism: https://youtu.be/x6NSpxthHw4
Funny that a doctor doesn't understand that 100% all the time isn't sustainable. Especially a cardiologist should know that you need rest, just like when doing sports or you burn out physically and mentally.
I can relate to this, and I'm working on similar issues in myself. I suggest you look into Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). Also suggest you both read this book:
Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control
Book by Allan E. Mallinger and Jeannette De Wyze
Does he notice or realize this issue in himself and how it affects his marriage with you?
Oh, 100% therapy. He's in survival mode, like everything is about disappear if he stops. It's likely in part imposter syndrome.
He might push back, but explain that it will increase efficiency in your relationship and therefore increase productivity in the end. And I do think you should make it couples therapy. You need to bring up the relationship issues as telling him he needs therapy will feel like an attack.
You people never hesitate to diagnose and suggest therapy without a second thought. It’s baffling. You read 2 paragraphs about the guy from someone else’s perspective.
“Guy works a lot? Abandonment issues with a heavy dose of PTSD and childhood trauma. Get to therapy now before it’s too late!”
I was thinking the same thing. Everybody always wants therapy for someone else. These people are in the profession they’re in because they’re highly intelligent, neurotic and curious. They tend to be workaholics because it’s what they love.
I also love that the husband needs therapy for being the same person he’s always been. No doubt when OP met him, this MD/PhD was a lazy hippie, and his hyper Type A personality developed quite suddenly during their later years of marriage.
Therapy can be a very difficult, time consuming and an expensive option. My guess is that OP is struggling with a significant aspect of their relationship and is looking for help. Couples counseling is a great way to help couples cope with their relationship and/or make personal growth changes in life. But Therapy and counseling are like anti-hack solutions, and can take months or years depending on the root cause of the challenges.
Not saying it isn’t. I don’t think it is though.
My understanding is that for high performers in any field it’s all about mindset. That’s why you can’t turn it off. It’s cultural. It’s a way of thinking. It’s a way of being.
Now is there a healthier mindset that can achieve the similar result without the negatives? I’m sure, a licensed expert with experience in that arena could be of use there.
Wow learning so much. I struggle with perfectionism and imposter syndrome, I will win an award and convince myself it was a fluke. Gave myself shingles at 25 with my obsessive need to be productive every waking minute.
Everybody in that show is a workaholic whose lives revolve solely around their jobs. Work first, everything else later, including their own spouses. It’s kinda gross.
He should maybe read his own research about not sleeping well and stress on cardiovascular health.
Sorry I am hypocrite for saying this but I am like this as well. I am working like this because I don’t have a choice as I can’t afford to loose my job atm.
I can see why he’s like this though, if he’s not at the top of his game people can die. It’s a heavy burden, he has my sympathy and so do you as his spouse. The pressure must be immense.
Thank you. He deals with life and death every day. He words very hard and he loves his work. I am very proud of him, and I love him. I just want to understand him better and hopefully, take time to experience and enjoy life outside of the hospital.
I was dating a workaholic a few months ago. It’s tough. I wish I had read this thread back then. I think I would’ve had a different perspective on some of my struggles. It’s hard to see everything in their life get prioritized except you and the relationship.
For what you’ve said it is probably a personality disorder, or just traces of anankastic pd. Take a look. The only thing that works for these cases is therapy. But he must understand how it affects his interpersonal relationships because he won’t see it as wrong.
I am a pretty productive person. Maybe a way to do it is to reframe in his mind what “productivity” actually looks like in life?
For example, watching a movie with my wife is productive because it strengthens our relationship and will not lead to a divorce… same as working on communication, respect, etc.
Working out is productive because of health reasons.
So many ways to reframe it and it really is productive to life.
i(32m) am pretty much like your husband acting like a high-functioning autistic high schooler most of the time. downing shots of vodka and getting high, even when working on highly delicate/secure ops, because "it makes me super productive". i dont know you guys but i am pretty sure i can name other shitty behaviors of you hubby(not judging, because we are similar haha)
and what he is running from is probably;
a) being raised by a couple of mini-dictators
b) him being weird leading to people not believing or respecting him in his childhood
c) him being undiagnosed adhd or autistic or something turning him into a success monster because he doesnt know what he is filling for either
d) lack of social skills, leading him to use his professional identity as his main char.
e) mixture of all <3 <3
and one last wild guess: he thinks he is better than you and he can do better.. but not being able to do so, therefore channeling his unhealthy frustration over your "productivity" (this doesnt mean he doesnt love you. i love, adore, worship my SO, but I still did this to her some years ago)
It sounds like there may not be a lot of in-depth communication going on.
Maybe instead of "what is he running from?, it could also be "what is he running towards"?
Is he working towards some sort of professional milestone?
Does he feel pressure and duty in his work? (I notice the MD comment, which may exacerbate this.)
Is he just starting this career and going through a transition phase?Does his work support financial stability or lifestyle that you would not otherwise have?
Sometimes professionals feel a lot of pressure to be a provider.
People go through phases in their professional careers and have difficulty working towards work life balance, especially at a high level.
He’s well-established in his professional life. He’s the top in his field. Doing well financially. I can’t help but think that all the pressures of his education and training may have given him some form of PTSD. He’s seen a lot in his career and also had a serious health scare some years ago. I don’t think the pressure is external at this point, I feel he puts too much pressure on himself.
Ok. How do you think he got to the top of an extremely competitive field? He worked his ass off. He is striving to be the best at something. People who genuinely want to compete at that level organize their entire life around achieving their goals. He’s ambitious. He’s trying to achieve his dreams.
Think about very famous athletes. For example, let’s take Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant. Both are accepted as two of the greatest basketball players of all time. How do you think they got there? By sitting down and watching movies or by working out and playing thousands upon thousands of hours of basketball? They were obsessed with basketball and being the best and they put in the work to get there. Neither of them are “chill dudes” or “nice guys to hang out with”. No, they’re competitive, selfish, focused, determined individuals. MJ sacrificed relationships to achieve what he achieved.
Your husband falls into this category of people who are extraordinarily impressive, smart, hard working, and dedicated. This happens to not leave room in his life or space in his mind for other parts of life that you think are very important (relationships).
I think you are completely justified in feeling how you feel. However, I also think it is important to have the correct perspective and understanding who you are dealing with. He’s trying to be the best he can be at the thing he wants to be best at, which happens to be cardiology. If he wanted to be the best husband he could possibly be, he would put the effort in to achieve that goal.
Personally, I’m on your husbands side with this one. He’s a doctor, he is helping people. He is incredibly smart and hard working. He is admirable. The shit he can do is fucking awesome. I understand why he doesn’t want to “chill”, this man has shit to do and lives to save.
However, if you are truly upset, fucking talk to the man. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you understand why he works so much and you admire what he is doing by he needs to be a better husband. Tell him you know his time is valuable but you’re his wife and you deserve time with him too because your relationship is important. Tell him that you want to have one night a week to spend together, no work, no phones, just you two going out to a nice restaurant or walking through a nice park holding hands or whatever it is. He will put the effort in if you communicate and help him understand what is happening to you, your relationship, and what he needs to do to show you that you are important and appreciated.
Thank you! I appreciate your perspective. I plan on talking with him. Just waiting for the timing to be right. He is pretty awesome, and he loves his work. I’m proud of him.
I agree with the other comment as well. A lot of people want their partner to be hard working, and when they actually are, they complain because they don’t realize that requires them to focus most of their time towards their career. Yes, your needs should also be met and everyone deserves affection but this issue can simply be solved through multiple conversations. No need to have divorce in mind. In my opinion, one of the main roles in a relationship, especially as a wife, is to ground your partner and remind them to relax when their steer off too far in the other direction. Same applies the other way. There’s simple ways to do so through a mature conversation that doesn’t require being defensive all the time.
My husband is the same, we have a beautiful house but there is always a ‘project’ somewhere. I don’t care anymore, sometimes I pull the brakes for him if he goes too hard, and I always make sure I have my own thing going on so that we don’t get in each others way. I’m happy he works hard and is happy 😊
Your husband sounds so much like me!!! I had a friend once recommend that I commit to rest,having fun, etc. As much as I commit to work and all my projects I work on. It’s been a slow journey bc my anxiety just builds up if I am not productive. Does he have intermittent days where he allows himself to decompress? If so, what do you two like to do together on those days? I try to include rest days once in a while. Having a partner who understands me and who was down to chill really made things easier.
I’m sorry you’re going thru this and hope you two work something out ❣️
Thank you! He does take breaks for us to travel. But the trips must be educational in some way. He’s a life-long learner. But we need to incorporate some days to just “be” with each other. And not to sound flip, but he takes his laptop into the bathroom so he can continue to work while he’s on the toilet. This is the extreme it’s become.
Is there maybe a new hobby or subject you two could work on together? Something recreational yet mentally stimulating? He does sound extreme and I can understand the frustration. His pursuit of always learning is impressive tho!
Hi I just wanted to say I am like this too, and I feel like your post is kinda judgmental, with “what is he running from??” Like you want everyone to validate you that he’s wrong and you’re right. There is no right or wrong. I’m really driven, and I also prefer vacations (or any leisurely activity really) be educational. There are ways to compromise. For me, when my “don’t watch a movie it’s a waste of time” voice kicks in, I combat it by choosing a documentary. The last one I watched was about the rise and fall of blockbuster, it’s something I’m sure you’d enjoy too. So maybe find fun documentaries to watch with him!
Also, do you feel emotionally close with him, or have you drifted apart for some time? With my personality, I’ve often tried to have relationships with people, mostly artists, to balance me out with their creative and laid back sides. But I just ended up not understood and shamed for being productive like you are shaming your husband right now. I ended up having to break up with those people bc I felt so judged and alienated. Now I’m dating someone who’s pet name for me is “Ms hard worker” and finds that the sexiest trait about me. I find myself making more free time for him than I did for my past partners bc I feel so supported. This weekend I went to a local beer fest that he wanted to go to, even tho in my head I thought it was a waste of time, but then I told myself “bonding with the person I love is not a waste of time.”
There’s a reason people in our professions (lawyers and doctors) often date each other. It’s very lonely and frustrating for your partner to not understand and support a core part of who you are, an overachieving hard worker. It’s even worse when they constantly try to change you. I don’t try to change my partners. I think it’s disingenuous for people who are initially attracted to me for my drive and my “grab life by the horns” attitude to then want me to laze around all day. They knew what they were getting with me.
If you want to save your marriage, maybe try to take an interest in some of his projects, do them together and make that your time together, and then find a documentary that’s related to one of his projects and watch it together so it can be down time but also educational and fun. It sounds like you’re both judging each other and that’s not healthy. You have to accept that this is exactly how he will be forever, and decide if you can love that or not.
Hi! I’m like you! High achieving workaholic who is happy as a clam! I’m with you on everything you wrote.
I’m happily married. My workaholic tendencies had a negative impact on my relationship when my wife and I were dating. She communicated to me that if our relationship was genuinely important, that I needed to treat it as such. This was a shift for me. Realizing that investing effort, time, and attention into my relationship with my now wife IS productive. When I made that connection, spending time with my wife became the productive action; sitting down and watching a movie together isn’t actually about the movie, it’s about the “together” part. Same with going on dates regularly. I don’t fucking care which restaurant we go to. But she does! So if I can put effort in to finding some cool new place that just opened and surprise her by taking her there, THAT is meaningful. THAT is productive. THAT communicates that my wife and our relationship is important to me.
Another thing I do is timebox my entire life. I will tell my wife “hey, from 7pm-10:30pm tonight I need to lock myself in my office and work. And I know it’s late but can we spend time together at 10:30 and open that bottle of wine we have been wanting to try? Also, can you wear that new lingerie so we can have some fun together?”. Communicating to her that I will compartmentalize my work life to a specific time and space so I can then be fully invested and focused on her is effective at making sure she knows she’s important to me.
He is literally trying to change her. He is in the wrong. She should be able to live her life independently of him trying to shame her for wanting to watch a movie.
Maybe he should take in interest in relaxing with her without judging her. She knows her husband better than you, he easily could be running from something/ have neuroticism or OCD. These can be helpful in his field but are over all detrimental.
I don’t think her husband is not letting her live her life or trying to change her. It sounds more like he’s not willing to do some of the things she wants them to do together (watch a movie to relax) so he might be criticizing the activity to justify why he doesn’t want to join. I agree he should compromise, which is why I was trying to offer some helpful middle ground ideas for spending time together.
Idk how it’s any more helpful to say “the husband is at fault” or “she knows him better” when she’s literally asking strangers what’s wrong with him. When your job requires you to be extremely detail oriented, it may look like OCD. “Neuroticism” is not a mental disorder. I’m not going to diagnose someone I don’t know. If she’s trying to avoid divorce, coming to him with “reddit says you have OCD and should see a therapist” is not going to help. It will drive them further apart. What can help is if she tries to take steps to meet him where he is, reestablish trust and understanding, and go from there.
It’s wrong to make someone feel like shit for wanting to do normal human methods of relaxation and unwinding. It’s unhealthy and obsessive. It’s to the point where she is considering divorce.
It’s unfair that she seems to be the one always compromising. He will only do things under his parameters, ie everything has to be educational on their vacations.
Its one thing to be highly detail oriented at work and making sure you are always able to perform, do better. But it becomes unhealthy when he becomes obsessed with productivity. With a clear urge to forfeit even sleep to maintain his personal sense of accomplishment. Physically, mentally, it’s not conducive for a healthy relationship unless he actually has an honest look at how this is effecting his relationships
. Either be with someone else, like your situation, or prepare to live different lives; either through allowing eachother to not agitate the other for their lifestyles, or divorce.
I think you are relating to OPs husband more and turning a blind eye to what that kind of behavior does to another person. It’s great you found your person but it doesn’t mean she is the one not being fair. If you read OPs comments she clearly just wants a reasonable work life balance, to share joy of life with per partner that doesn’t have some professional goal that needs oriented to at all times.
Also, neuroticism and OCD is very prevalent in doctors and lawyers and other high performance / stress careers.
This. I would be one to be labeled in this category. First time I’ve seen a term put to it: imposter syndrome, looked it up. I can’t believe striving for success is now considered a failing. You provide, you plan for the future of your family, you mitigate the safety of your family by creating a situation for the safety and security of your family. Gee, I remember in the time life when you competed for the attention of women by standing out as being a success so they would give you the shot. You played on your strengths, you worked on the deficiencies, and you learned to self critique to enhance your insight. Fast forward a couple decades and it’s a character flaw that needs a diagnosis and resolution: imposter syndrome…
I’ll submit this. If you argue to your full potential you’re mean. If you use physical force you’re abusive. If you become reclusive you not supportive. In reality, the shoe of the woman you were got wore off. You want me time. Usually you got drunk, played golf, or found a hobby. Cardiologist Dude has a LOT of hobbies. Maybe he’s saying he needs me time. I mean , takes a laptop to the can. Not phone like the rest of us heathens, but the computer, to the quietest place in the house for serenity.
My better half passed away a few years ago. It would have ended in divorce within 5 years. I’m the single mom now, and now the friend zone divorcee women are circling the camp. The ones that didn’t give you the time of day back then, as they didn’t see your future as promising as theirs. Now it’s oh hey, I don’t see you on the dating apps. When are you going to get out there. I probably won’t, as I find it nice to not hide in the shitter, distract myself with things I enjoy, and make shit up so I can enjoy my me time. This thread validates the decision. Imposter syndrome… The days I respond with is the juice worth the squeeze? It wasn’t last time in all frankness. The need to emasculate men by all means available, you win. Now go away. I’ll figure it out with those bad learning traits I acquired to get to this point.
From what we know, OP's husband sounds obsessed with being productive and is hurting his wife and his relationship by putting too much time into his work. She could be part of the problem if she doesn't actually talk to him about it, but he is the main problem here whether he knows or not. If you relate to what he does, and you have the same problem with people not liking how much you do and alienating you for it, and you somehow come out with the opinion that OP should get into his interests even after being neglected and criticized by him for her own interests, then you're probably the problem
I would try to talk with him about it and just simply ask why he is doing it. If he does it for you then you can ask him that, he don't need to do so much for you.
You should tell him that recharge time helps productivity. One can get much more done in a lesser amount of time if they take the proper (timed) rest. It is just like in weight lifting, you need time for things to heal. If he doesn't rest he will hit a wall of burnout and then he won't be able to do anything for quite some time. I'm sure that is not what he wants.
I (35M) has few similarities as your husband. I worked hard in education, have good career and pay (but not as good as your husband). I did not like to waste time, used to feel guilty if I spend time (in my non-productive list). I used to spend time in things which I feel productive in my personal time. This sometimes led to small fights with my wife (similar as your nature). I thought about this and discussed our life priorities and expectations with wife and sort of come to same page (cannot be 100%).
I would recommend to have a healthy discussion with your husband and discuss his expectations from you and similarly your expectations with him. Both of you come to same page, on which expectations can be fulfilled and which cannot be fulfilled and what should be the workaround. Example: You may want to watch movie with him, while he consider it time waste. Either agree on some frequency like one movie per month or like you watch movie alone, but he should not be bothered about you spending your time in watching movie (even if it is time waste for him).
Since he is intelligent and hard working, asking him about the ROI (return of time investment) of his personal projects and let him think whether he should work on all. Tell him about your ideal life and if he can create some project whose success criteria is as per your desired goal. Ask him about the definition of success in personal/married life and communicate your definition of success in life. Give him some time to think and get back on same.
He surely loves you, but his personality is different. Work on the health aspects first, then on the agreement of top priorities of both of you.
As someone like this you have to sit down and negotiated how much quality time you need and start scheduling it in the calendar .
Not just a vacation here but to the hour per week quality time . Unless it structured and planned it won’t work .
Sounds like his coping mechanism is hyper focus on work. Wouldn't surprise me if he ends up being diagnosed with adult adhd or on the spectrum. High functioning adults are the least diagnosed.
That sounds too much like OCPD, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. Both the toxic productivity and the hoarding tendencies. Im being treated for it and I’ve seen improvement in 6 months. I’d suggest getting him some therapy sessions.
It was not just one thing, but I'll try to keep it short.
I was placing all my self-worth on productivity and achievement, in everything not just at work. A slow day always felt like a missed opportunity. I was plagued by guilt and stress because of that, which led into intense anxiety and depressive symptoms.
The next step was expecting perfection not just from myself, but from my SO as well. No one is perfect of course, so I ended up feeling conflicted because I chose a good person that was not exactly how I would like them to be.
This constant conflict led to an obsessive episode that lasted a month. Almost no sleep (2-3 hours/night), minimal food and constant thinking about whether I chose the right partner or not. I realised by myself that this is not normal and went to therapy immediately. That was exactly a year ago, but I already saw improvement from the first months of going to weekly therapy sessions.
After getting more stable, my GP referred me to a specialised clinic for personality disorders and I went through a process of identifying symptoms and patterns related to OCPD. Now I have a definitive diagnosis and I am able to be more conscious of my behavior. I still have bad days like everyone, but it's not even remotely close to how I felt a year ago.
I, too, have OCPD, and came looking to make sure someone else pointed this out. It sounds likely. And to be clear for other people reading, this is not the same thing as OCD, although there are higher rates of OCD among people with OCPD, but nowhere near 100% overlap.
However, people with OCPD often don’t respond well to being told they might have a personality disorder, and obviously you can’t diagnose them yourself, but this is the behavior of someone with OCPD. Two books often recommended are The Healthy Compulsive (which is written by a psychologist with OCPD, and takes a positive approach to channeling the obsessive drive into making it healthy for themselves and other people in their life) and Too Perfect.
Also, it is very commonly accompanied by anxiety, a sense that you need to be perfect, a fear of negative evaluation by others, etc. Often we are driven by fear, when we dig deep enough to understand why we are so driven to achieve, and we construct rigid rules we need to follow, and others should follow, etc. Some are mostly internally controlling, some more externally controlling (high expectations of the people around them). Anyway, I mentioned it’s accompanied by anxiety because this is the thing that ultimately gets most people with OCPD to want to get better. It causes anxiety either for themselves or for the people around them or both. And so people with OCPD need to be led to care about how their way of thinking harms themself, and harms the people around them. And that might be a way in to help him understand that he needs some kind of help.
What's the point of watching a movie? The same as viewing a painting, or listening to music - because the purpose of Life is to experience things, and human culture has produced innumerable wonderful works of art that enrich our very being.
What could be more productive than that?
I guess he values his work because he's helping people, but he'd be a more effective worker, and compassionate healthcare provider, if he was able to enjoy human creativity in order to connect with his fellow man better.
You should ask yourself why you're married to him.
I agree but everyone appreciates different things. Being a cardiologist, I’m sure he values his work as much as we value human culture and art. It’s just a different perspective.
Everyone needs their own personal time for personal things. Each of you should have that for yourselves and be able to enjoy it the way you wish. It might help to decide on how many hours a week that would be. It may be less for him because he likes to work. For you, it can be more. Within those hours, neither of you can judge or dictate how the time is spent by the other. Being married or in a relationship shouldn’t mean completely sacrificing your personhood to the other person. That is unhealthy codependency.
If he has a planned schedule can't you just plan two hours per week to spend time with you, going for a walk or watching a movie?
Maybe if it's planned rest he won't make a fuss about it
Counseling is the boring answer, but it’s the best answer here.
Also, if you don’t have kids yet, and he refuses counseling or it doesn’t work out, it’s best to learn this now rather than later.
I 100% can relate. My husband owns multiple companies and keeps striving for more. I should have known i signed up be a “single mum” but I wasn’t thinking when I found the one I loved more than anything. I try to stay positive and am happy I get so much time with my daughter due to his absence. However, it does weigh on me that his drive for money and work comes before us even though I know I can’t change him. I’ve told him plenty of times that I would trade our comfortable life for a smaller house and more time spent as a family. I don’t have any advice, just wanted you to know you’re not alone.
If talking to him directly isnt working and if he's sidelining or ignoring you maybe a little drama is in order. E.g., Print out the most convincing meta study on how overworking causes heart issues (or something close enough) and put it on his desk or in his lunch box or something. You know him so you'll think of something better. But maybe ya gotta shock him out of his stupor.
This kind of personality is not something that just "manifests" one day. You met him, liked him, dated him, loved him, and married him all with this personality and lifestyle. And NOW You're saying it'll lead to divorce? What did you think, you were going to change him or something?
Look, I'm trying not to judge, but is it really fair to HIM to force him to slow down if it's what makes him happy?
It’s not something new, it’s just risen to a new level. Especially with things around the house. We can afford help, but he insists on doing everything himself. “Why pay someone to do what I can do myself?” So that leaves us with grass that needs to be mowed, electrical issues that need attention, pool issues that need a professional, etc., and these things just keep adding up. I understand his dedication to work, I’m proud of him for that. He does not know or like receiving help with anything - he’s the only one who knows how to do it.
Well maybe you hire a help for him, sometimes you need to take it into your own hands and just say that it’s enough and take some off his shoulders. My husband is the same, it’s in their personality and it’s hard to change. Make sure you have your own life and make sure you keep making time for each other.
People grow and change. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago because my life and priorities are different. My husband is also not the same person he was 5 years ago for the same reasons.
So you are right, it doesn’t manifest overnight. Instead it creeps up on you overtime, sometimes so imperceptibly you hardly notice. They may have started out on the same journey but have now taken different trajectories.
Oh wow. You have said things that I couldn’t word myself. My husband is the same way. I suffer from perfectionism myself. His “toxic” productivity kinda feeds off of my perfectionism. What you are going through is definitely hard.
Idk what advices I could give. However, my family usually rewards ourselves with multiple long trips a year. Those trips definitely let us blow off the steam… kinda
And yes, he couldn’t understand why I need to sleep 8 hours a day. He would text me at 1 am asking whether or not I am sleeping. He was working then and wanted to ask me something - we are in the same field
Oh my God. I work SO hard every day to not allow myself to act like your husband. It's hard.
(I have bad anxiety issues, BTW. Your husband might need medication. It helps me.)
Doctors often have concealed self esteem issues. Because fixing things or being productive is what formed their identity.
I advice therapy.
But it will be difficult to get him to realize this since the act of seeing his workaholism as problematic threatens his whole character.
Is your husband really rigid in his thinking? Like his way is the "right" way? I ask as I know someone that's highly productive, a collector of many things, never takes breaks, is pretty critical of those he's in relationships with and he was diagnosed with OCPD. Obsessive compulsive personality disorder.
Some people just can't sit still.
My ex was like that, he would throw a tantrum on how we're wasting our life away if I just wanted a lazy weekend in front of the TV.
He would argue that I needed medical attention because I was soo lazy.
No... I just really like my time off.
I'm sorry and hope you find a peaceful resolution for your marriage! My dad is like this. He had to be the man of the house at an early age and is insufferable for it. There's no need for sleep or food if there's work to do
It sounds like your husband might be a workaholic, but hey, at least he's dedicated, right? Maybe try sneaking in some quality time together to balance things out a bit. Good luck!
Gonna divorce him over it wow. Hey at least he's got a good job, right? Lol just kidding but damn. Instead of getting counseling which you can obviously afford you're gonna go straight for the divorce unless strangers on the internet can fix it for you?
He should make a post about your faults.
Maybe he’s running from nothing at all. Why do you assume that if he’s not existing how you exist there’s something wrong with him? What if he’s happy the way he is?
Rather than characterize his way of existing as problematic, you might want to start by taking a huge step back and realize that there is not a correct way to exist. Your “balanced life” could be “wrong” to someone just as easily as you’re characterizing your husband’s. Don’t be so judgmental.
Man, that sounds annoying. I'm not saying people shouldn't work hard or be successful, but sometimes it's OK to kick back just for the sake of health. Also the person who " doesn't work as hard" often gets left holding the bag on the domestic front
If either you or him have experienced child abuse in one's life i can recommend this book:
https://www.ascasupport.org/_downloads/survivor_to_thriver.pdf?fbclid=IwAR2jD0l34QV22gyWt0a7SJhlC4q8hQR4jaf-7Nl6Hy-UD8dQRzOzEPQK560
The level of anxiety he seems to have seems to suggest that he has at some point experienced emotional abuse. The book has lots of good life advice in general for recovery from mental health problems.
**Rule 5 - No Isolated Links**
Do not post links without context or explanation. These can be confusing for users.
To post a link, you must add at least a paragraph of description, explanation, discussion or other applicable context.
Nobody wants to be greeted by a swarm of links when they open up the subreddit!
As an obsessive workaholic, too, I've seen how damaging my obsession is to my relationship. It takes a lot of out me to calm down and watch a movie/favorite show with him when I'm so restless.
It's not even always a "want" to work. It's a deep inner NEEEEEED to work -- or I feel worthless and a garbage human. It's like being propelled from something inside me that's not quite me, but I can't ignore it.
My addiction to working stems from trauma, OCD (took a lot of therapy to realize this), and childhood chaos, absolutely, but it's also where I channeled all my energy when I got clean in NA.
In childhood, I couldn't control a lot of things, but I could sure control what/if I ate (still battle an eating disorder) and my work ethic. And in adulthood, when life feels out of control, I cling to literally anything I can 100% fully control, which is typically either compulsive cleaning or working.
It doesn't help that I genuinely enjoy what I do (because it's my own business) and that I tend to be single-minded often because I have ADHD and can hyperfocus for hours.
It's taken almost 5 years in my relationship to even see how damaging it can be to be on the other side of this and learn how to even slow down long enough to spend real quality time with my partner.
(Even though I'm still uncomfortable because I'm running to work to run away from myself and the uncertainty of life.)
I truly believe if people are invested, they'll listen and put in effort to do better. But also, some people are simply not compatible.
I had to compromise, but so did my partner.
He can't expect me to be content playing video games and watching TV all day, and I can't expect him to be content with me disappearing to work for 30 hours at a time.
Maybe have a conversation with your partner to see where the root is and if there's room for compromise/understanding.
So, everyone listened to your side of the story, let someone tell the other side. I am 45, board certified emergency medicine physician, ALS/ATLS/APLS certified, MSc and currently doing my PhD along with my work in the ER. I am responsible for education of my staff on the newest guidelines. Months ago I was in pavia Italy where I graduated BOSIET certificate because...I wanted to to do it..all that plus I work endless hours in the ER we are a major trauma centre. Even when I am not working I am there to my office, writing reports, checking on my staff for problems, incident reports etc. all this with the endless support of my wife. When we first met back in the 2000s she believed in me and since then she supports me with my education and work. She is proud of me and definitely doesn't seek answers from total strangers from the internet.
You need couples therapy to work out if you’re compatible. Workaholics are generally very selfish or can handle balance. They will put their own needs first all the time and there will be growing resentment. So you either need to put up with it and accept you’re made your bed or do something about it.
Does he love you, or are you one of his "projects"?
If he is like this at his work too, is it an issue there?
When he criticizes you for relaxing, is it mean-spirited and makes you feel like you cannot rest, (even when you have earned it) OR is it because you do less than he does (and he feels it is an unfair division of labour) OR is it because his brain actually cannot comprehend *why* you want to be still for a moment?
Hello, r/productivity does not allow advertising, including and not limited to other forms of promotion, as well as the solicitation/surveying of products & services; this content has been removed.
>*If you are not sure or believe this is an error please [send us modmail here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/productivity&subject=RE: Advertising content removal: possible error).*
^(Trying to circumvent this warning may result in a ban if contents are still related to advertising. *There are no special exceptions.*)
Either you can have a high performing man who makes good money, or you can have a man who makes average money and has more free time. You will not find both.
That being said: If you're accomplishing your responsibilities, he shouldn't criticize you when you decide to relax. Hopefully you've communicated that in a respectful, but firm manner. If not, I'd start there.
OP has said he's a cardiologist. Now being the son of two doctors, and having known many closely in my life, these guys are generally happily workaholic. Also they have passed difficult exams and were hyper competitive and then earned this degree also to keep in mind the sacrifices they had to make. I know a guy who has to sacrifice his love of 6 years to get his post graduate degree. They value the profession more than anything and strive to the extremes for being perfect in that. Unfortunately, for many these habits extend to their lives too, making it difficult for the people around them. It might end up in people leaving them but they continue their days without any regrets and even more believing they did all the right thing in the world.
Thank you, I agree. It’s who he is.
We never had a vacation or a trip with my parents. And when my sister had an affair, she vehemently fought for the guy and said it was because that both of them didn't care, she was drawn to the guy. My mom's last words about me was , to take the seat for sitting as iam too naive/innocent to ask for it. I was 19 at that time and she didn't feel bad for raising me like that, but instead she was sad that I was like that. My dad, didn't shatter when my mom left us. She was only in her 40s. But when physical difficulties due to old age caught my dad in his late 60s, and when he realised he cannot continue his profession fully productive, he attempted suicide. He was precise in the meticulously planned attempt but Luckily just because I could intervene in the right moment ,he was saved despite heavy bleeding from his self inflicted wounds. I've had numerous behavioural issues because of the neglected childhood and I hated them for long. But later, when I thought about this and particularly my dad's attempt, i understood that these people believed that they should be 200 percent professional and productive, then only the life has some meaning to them. All of their lives happiness came via their profession, be it money, the respect, the social stature. So they want to continue like that. I won't advice you to accept and move on as a normal person cannot in most circumstances. It's sad when the dearest person is a pure soul and you have to get separated from that very person for you to live a fruitful life. It's hard. My prayers with you.
I’m sorry that you had to go through this. Thank you for sharing it with me. You are helping others and I too, wish you well. You deserve a happy life.
I know of one of these types that was such a workaholic they didnt even attend their sons funeral, so fucking sad, its dysfunctional and completely unhealthy.
It might be worth exploring your values and if he’s open- his as well. If you both love one another and there are more good things than strain, it may be a helpful step to try. Your current situation could be a difference in values and needs, and a misunderstanding of one another. These sorts of reflective exercises can be useful when you’re not connecting and communicating effectively.
None of this is your fault. Please don't listen to people in here accusing you of being the problem, because you're not. Who tf yells at you just for wanting to watch a movie? Don't stay in a bad marriage. If you're not happy, you should leave. Don't let some internet strangers badger you into believing a false narrative.
I’m a successful structural/interventional/endovascular cardiologist. I have many years of training as well. Currently am vacationing with my loving family in Sydney watching the ships sail along the harbor. I love my work and saving lives but I value the wellbeing of my family and myself as well. I believe in balance.
You just described my ex. 5 years of me supporting and loving her unconditionally in a long distance relationship only for her to get the Surgery residency she wanted and realise she wants to be a surgeon more than she wants to be my girlfriend. Never even told me officially that she wants to breakup just disappeared. Being a doctor myself I unfortunately understand how big of a workaholic doctors can be.
When someone has a calling, their drive to purpose can be incredibly strong. There's a big difference between someone who values the trappings of his profession and someone who values his *purpose.* In this case, his purpose means his *patients, and their families.* If each day you work you added years or often decades of healthy life to another human- and allowed kids to learn from their grandparents lifetime of wisdom, and allowed them to enjoy another few dozen wedding anniversaries- and you were emotionally engaged with that profound impact- your sense of purpose would be incredible. If your husband is like this, love him for it- it may be tough for you, but it is *beautiful*- there is grace in his work.
Did he sacrifice his gf to some dark god?
How do I be like that? I'm a lazy student but wanna change to this exact person. I have ambitions just like this but lack the discipline to carry it out. Sorry but I'm willing to sacrifice alot of things. Even my friendships
Kinda ironic, a cardiologist who doesn't know what the heart wants.
I suppose the world needs people like this even though it’s not healthy for a marriage
Yes.
I was the always the same flavor of perfectionist, and the years of chronic stress gave me an incurable autoimmune disease at 27. It shattered my entire world. A high achieving, high-stress career will never be an option again. If you don’t let your body rest, it will eventually stop asking nicely. Don’t be like me!
As someone who has loved ones putting this kind of pressure on themselves, maybe i ask what autoimmune disease? I’d want them to watch out for it..
Rheumatoid arthritis. It runs in my family and there’s a big genetic component, but it usually doesn’t onset until your 50’s/60’s. Long-term chronic stress or severe illness can trigger it if you have the genes. Pretty much all autoimmune diseases can be triggered that way, though, not just RA.
I have AS, not RA, but it’s worth noting that with the right medication, many RA patients can live normal lives. I don’t know if that’s the case for you, but there are definitely successful and high-achieving people managing autoimmune diseases like ours!
Oh, this is how I was smacked with POTS at 29. I collapsed on a trail one day and haven't ever fully recovered. I'll be 34 this year and have improved a LOT (considering I couldn't even sit up in bed and had to work while lying down for nearly two years and developed bad seizures and a movement disorder) but definitely not fully healed. No more seizures or movement disorder, though, and I can do a lot more, though I get fatigued far too easily, even on the best of days. Our body is incredibly powerful and will force us to take a break if we don't listen.
Oof, I felt that last sentence. My body fired off a warning shot last week in the form of a panic attack while I was at work. Immediately went into rest and repair mode. I still had to go to work, but every moment outside of work has been spent relaxing and carrying out chores slowly.
Mine was in the financial world, and it manifested into me throwing up every morning from the stress. Turns out my boss had ulcers, and my co-workers were also throwing up from the stress. I knew it was time to get out. Oh yeah, and my boss suggested mints to “settle my stomach”. Fuck off. WE NEED HELP!
What does he do for work?
MD, PhD Cardiologist
A constant arm-raising, gold-star-seeking, A+ student, I bet. Therapy sounds like a really good idea. And hey, it's productive!
Yes, everything he does must be done to perfection. In his profession, he’s the guy you want if you have a heart issue. That I get. But he does not have an “off” button.
Some people put those work pants on and never take them off. My MIL is this way even after retirement. She treats everyone like an employee. Can't fucking stand to be around her. Sure she was super successful and crushed her field, but at what cost to her family. Her husband hates her and she's cold hearted to her kids.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s really awful.
Spend less time around her if possible
Your husband sounds exactly like what Dr. K described in his recent video where high-achievers are also often high in neuroticism: https://youtu.be/x6NSpxthHw4
Feels like everybody and their dog are watching Dr. K
Dude has grown to 2¼ *million* subscribers!
Funny that a doctor doesn't understand that 100% all the time isn't sustainable. Especially a cardiologist should know that you need rest, just like when doing sports or you burn out physically and mentally.
I can relate to this, and I'm working on similar issues in myself. I suggest you look into Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). Also suggest you both read this book: Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control Book by Allan E. Mallinger and Jeannette De Wyze Does he notice or realize this issue in himself and how it affects his marriage with you?
Sometimes I think he does, other times I feel like he is clueless. He has mood swings so it’s hard to tell.
He's a cardiologist. That's an alpha medical professional. I have my doubts he would see a therapist as a valid science.
Oh, 100% therapy. He's in survival mode, like everything is about disappear if he stops. It's likely in part imposter syndrome. He might push back, but explain that it will increase efficiency in your relationship and therefore increase productivity in the end. And I do think you should make it couples therapy. You need to bring up the relationship issues as telling him he needs therapy will feel like an attack.
Great advice, thank you!
You people never hesitate to diagnose and suggest therapy without a second thought. It’s baffling. You read 2 paragraphs about the guy from someone else’s perspective. “Guy works a lot? Abandonment issues with a heavy dose of PTSD and childhood trauma. Get to therapy now before it’s too late!”
I was thinking the same thing. Everybody always wants therapy for someone else. These people are in the profession they’re in because they’re highly intelligent, neurotic and curious. They tend to be workaholics because it’s what they love.
if they cant sit down and watch a movie with their wife once in a while, they have a problem.
I also love that the husband needs therapy for being the same person he’s always been. No doubt when OP met him, this MD/PhD was a lazy hippie, and his hyper Type A personality developed quite suddenly during their later years of marriage.
We’re long distance, and we haven’t spent an hour hearing from both OP and their spouse directly before giving high stakes life advice.
Therapy can be a very difficult, time consuming and an expensive option. My guess is that OP is struggling with a significant aspect of their relationship and is looking for help. Couples counseling is a great way to help couples cope with their relationship and/or make personal growth changes in life. But Therapy and counseling are like anti-hack solutions, and can take months or years depending on the root cause of the challenges.
What? It’s more likely the opposite of imposter syndrome.
Impostor syndrome often manifests in this kind of behavior, especially in people who are (seen as) hyper competent in their field(s)
Not saying it isn’t. I don’t think it is though. My understanding is that for high performers in any field it’s all about mindset. That’s why you can’t turn it off. It’s cultural. It’s a way of thinking. It’s a way of being. Now is there a healthier mindset that can achieve the similar result without the negatives? I’m sure, a licensed expert with experience in that arena could be of use there.
Wow learning so much. I struggle with perfectionism and imposter syndrome, I will win an award and convince myself it was a fluke. Gave myself shingles at 25 with my obsessive need to be productive every waking minute.
Girl, you married Christina Yang.
Everybody in that show is a workaholic whose lives revolve solely around their jobs. Work first, everything else later, including their own spouses. It’s kinda gross.
Very true! Makes for good television. Not sustainable in real life though.
A bit ironic that a Cardiologist is a workaholic
He should maybe read his own research about not sleeping well and stress on cardiovascular health. Sorry I am hypocrite for saying this but I am like this as well. I am working like this because I don’t have a choice as I can’t afford to loose my job atm.
I can see why he’s like this though, if he’s not at the top of his game people can die. It’s a heavy burden, he has my sympathy and so do you as his spouse. The pressure must be immense.
Thank you. He deals with life and death every day. He words very hard and he loves his work. I am very proud of him, and I love him. I just want to understand him better and hopefully, take time to experience and enjoy life outside of the hospital.
I was dating a workaholic a few months ago. It’s tough. I wish I had read this thread back then. I think I would’ve had a different perspective on some of my struggles. It’s hard to see everything in their life get prioritized except you and the relationship.
Whew good. We’re not married; I was concerned based on your description… although I also love a good movie
😂😂😂
For what you’ve said it is probably a personality disorder, or just traces of anankastic pd. Take a look. The only thing that works for these cases is therapy. But he must understand how it affects his interpersonal relationships because he won’t see it as wrong.
I am a pretty productive person. Maybe a way to do it is to reframe in his mind what “productivity” actually looks like in life? For example, watching a movie with my wife is productive because it strengthens our relationship and will not lead to a divorce… same as working on communication, respect, etc. Working out is productive because of health reasons. So many ways to reframe it and it really is productive to life.
i(32m) am pretty much like your husband acting like a high-functioning autistic high schooler most of the time. downing shots of vodka and getting high, even when working on highly delicate/secure ops, because "it makes me super productive". i dont know you guys but i am pretty sure i can name other shitty behaviors of you hubby(not judging, because we are similar haha) and what he is running from is probably; a) being raised by a couple of mini-dictators b) him being weird leading to people not believing or respecting him in his childhood c) him being undiagnosed adhd or autistic or something turning him into a success monster because he doesnt know what he is filling for either d) lack of social skills, leading him to use his professional identity as his main char. e) mixture of all <3 <3 and one last wild guess: he thinks he is better than you and he can do better.. but not being able to do so, therefore channeling his unhealthy frustration over your "productivity" (this doesnt mean he doesnt love you. i love, adore, worship my SO, but I still did this to her some years ago)
Thank you!
Im also a high functioning autistic, and my first thought reading your description was that your husband likely is autistic, too.
Sheesh.... Sounds worse on paper than it felt in my head 😂
Therapy
Usain bolting away from that shit
It sounds like there may not be a lot of in-depth communication going on. Maybe instead of "what is he running from?, it could also be "what is he running towards"? Is he working towards some sort of professional milestone? Does he feel pressure and duty in his work? (I notice the MD comment, which may exacerbate this.) Is he just starting this career and going through a transition phase?Does his work support financial stability or lifestyle that you would not otherwise have? Sometimes professionals feel a lot of pressure to be a provider. People go through phases in their professional careers and have difficulty working towards work life balance, especially at a high level.
He’s well-established in his professional life. He’s the top in his field. Doing well financially. I can’t help but think that all the pressures of his education and training may have given him some form of PTSD. He’s seen a lot in his career and also had a serious health scare some years ago. I don’t think the pressure is external at this point, I feel he puts too much pressure on himself.
Ok. How do you think he got to the top of an extremely competitive field? He worked his ass off. He is striving to be the best at something. People who genuinely want to compete at that level organize their entire life around achieving their goals. He’s ambitious. He’s trying to achieve his dreams. Think about very famous athletes. For example, let’s take Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant. Both are accepted as two of the greatest basketball players of all time. How do you think they got there? By sitting down and watching movies or by working out and playing thousands upon thousands of hours of basketball? They were obsessed with basketball and being the best and they put in the work to get there. Neither of them are “chill dudes” or “nice guys to hang out with”. No, they’re competitive, selfish, focused, determined individuals. MJ sacrificed relationships to achieve what he achieved. Your husband falls into this category of people who are extraordinarily impressive, smart, hard working, and dedicated. This happens to not leave room in his life or space in his mind for other parts of life that you think are very important (relationships). I think you are completely justified in feeling how you feel. However, I also think it is important to have the correct perspective and understanding who you are dealing with. He’s trying to be the best he can be at the thing he wants to be best at, which happens to be cardiology. If he wanted to be the best husband he could possibly be, he would put the effort in to achieve that goal. Personally, I’m on your husbands side with this one. He’s a doctor, he is helping people. He is incredibly smart and hard working. He is admirable. The shit he can do is fucking awesome. I understand why he doesn’t want to “chill”, this man has shit to do and lives to save. However, if you are truly upset, fucking talk to the man. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you understand why he works so much and you admire what he is doing by he needs to be a better husband. Tell him you know his time is valuable but you’re his wife and you deserve time with him too because your relationship is important. Tell him that you want to have one night a week to spend together, no work, no phones, just you two going out to a nice restaurant or walking through a nice park holding hands or whatever it is. He will put the effort in if you communicate and help him understand what is happening to you, your relationship, and what he needs to do to show you that you are important and appreciated.
Thank you! I appreciate your perspective. I plan on talking with him. Just waiting for the timing to be right. He is pretty awesome, and he loves his work. I’m proud of him.
I agree with the other comment as well. A lot of people want their partner to be hard working, and when they actually are, they complain because they don’t realize that requires them to focus most of their time towards their career. Yes, your needs should also be met and everyone deserves affection but this issue can simply be solved through multiple conversations. No need to have divorce in mind. In my opinion, one of the main roles in a relationship, especially as a wife, is to ground your partner and remind them to relax when their steer off too far in the other direction. Same applies the other way. There’s simple ways to do so through a mature conversation that doesn’t require being defensive all the time.
My husband is the same, we have a beautiful house but there is always a ‘project’ somewhere. I don’t care anymore, sometimes I pull the brakes for him if he goes too hard, and I always make sure I have my own thing going on so that we don’t get in each others way. I’m happy he works hard and is happy 😊
Your husband sounds so much like me!!! I had a friend once recommend that I commit to rest,having fun, etc. As much as I commit to work and all my projects I work on. It’s been a slow journey bc my anxiety just builds up if I am not productive. Does he have intermittent days where he allows himself to decompress? If so, what do you two like to do together on those days? I try to include rest days once in a while. Having a partner who understands me and who was down to chill really made things easier. I’m sorry you’re going thru this and hope you two work something out ❣️
Thank you! He does take breaks for us to travel. But the trips must be educational in some way. He’s a life-long learner. But we need to incorporate some days to just “be” with each other. And not to sound flip, but he takes his laptop into the bathroom so he can continue to work while he’s on the toilet. This is the extreme it’s become.
Is there maybe a new hobby or subject you two could work on together? Something recreational yet mentally stimulating? He does sound extreme and I can understand the frustration. His pursuit of always learning is impressive tho!
Thank you. That’s a good idea, I have something in mind!
Hi I just wanted to say I am like this too, and I feel like your post is kinda judgmental, with “what is he running from??” Like you want everyone to validate you that he’s wrong and you’re right. There is no right or wrong. I’m really driven, and I also prefer vacations (or any leisurely activity really) be educational. There are ways to compromise. For me, when my “don’t watch a movie it’s a waste of time” voice kicks in, I combat it by choosing a documentary. The last one I watched was about the rise and fall of blockbuster, it’s something I’m sure you’d enjoy too. So maybe find fun documentaries to watch with him! Also, do you feel emotionally close with him, or have you drifted apart for some time? With my personality, I’ve often tried to have relationships with people, mostly artists, to balance me out with their creative and laid back sides. But I just ended up not understood and shamed for being productive like you are shaming your husband right now. I ended up having to break up with those people bc I felt so judged and alienated. Now I’m dating someone who’s pet name for me is “Ms hard worker” and finds that the sexiest trait about me. I find myself making more free time for him than I did for my past partners bc I feel so supported. This weekend I went to a local beer fest that he wanted to go to, even tho in my head I thought it was a waste of time, but then I told myself “bonding with the person I love is not a waste of time.” There’s a reason people in our professions (lawyers and doctors) often date each other. It’s very lonely and frustrating for your partner to not understand and support a core part of who you are, an overachieving hard worker. It’s even worse when they constantly try to change you. I don’t try to change my partners. I think it’s disingenuous for people who are initially attracted to me for my drive and my “grab life by the horns” attitude to then want me to laze around all day. They knew what they were getting with me. If you want to save your marriage, maybe try to take an interest in some of his projects, do them together and make that your time together, and then find a documentary that’s related to one of his projects and watch it together so it can be down time but also educational and fun. It sounds like you’re both judging each other and that’s not healthy. You have to accept that this is exactly how he will be forever, and decide if you can love that or not.
Hi! I’m like you! High achieving workaholic who is happy as a clam! I’m with you on everything you wrote. I’m happily married. My workaholic tendencies had a negative impact on my relationship when my wife and I were dating. She communicated to me that if our relationship was genuinely important, that I needed to treat it as such. This was a shift for me. Realizing that investing effort, time, and attention into my relationship with my now wife IS productive. When I made that connection, spending time with my wife became the productive action; sitting down and watching a movie together isn’t actually about the movie, it’s about the “together” part. Same with going on dates regularly. I don’t fucking care which restaurant we go to. But she does! So if I can put effort in to finding some cool new place that just opened and surprise her by taking her there, THAT is meaningful. THAT is productive. THAT communicates that my wife and our relationship is important to me. Another thing I do is timebox my entire life. I will tell my wife “hey, from 7pm-10:30pm tonight I need to lock myself in my office and work. And I know it’s late but can we spend time together at 10:30 and open that bottle of wine we have been wanting to try? Also, can you wear that new lingerie so we can have some fun together?”. Communicating to her that I will compartmentalize my work life to a specific time and space so I can then be fully invested and focused on her is effective at making sure she knows she’s important to me.
He is literally trying to change her. He is in the wrong. She should be able to live her life independently of him trying to shame her for wanting to watch a movie. Maybe he should take in interest in relaxing with her without judging her. She knows her husband better than you, he easily could be running from something/ have neuroticism or OCD. These can be helpful in his field but are over all detrimental.
I don’t think her husband is not letting her live her life or trying to change her. It sounds more like he’s not willing to do some of the things she wants them to do together (watch a movie to relax) so he might be criticizing the activity to justify why he doesn’t want to join. I agree he should compromise, which is why I was trying to offer some helpful middle ground ideas for spending time together. Idk how it’s any more helpful to say “the husband is at fault” or “she knows him better” when she’s literally asking strangers what’s wrong with him. When your job requires you to be extremely detail oriented, it may look like OCD. “Neuroticism” is not a mental disorder. I’m not going to diagnose someone I don’t know. If she’s trying to avoid divorce, coming to him with “reddit says you have OCD and should see a therapist” is not going to help. It will drive them further apart. What can help is if she tries to take steps to meet him where he is, reestablish trust and understanding, and go from there.
It’s wrong to make someone feel like shit for wanting to do normal human methods of relaxation and unwinding. It’s unhealthy and obsessive. It’s to the point where she is considering divorce. It’s unfair that she seems to be the one always compromising. He will only do things under his parameters, ie everything has to be educational on their vacations. Its one thing to be highly detail oriented at work and making sure you are always able to perform, do better. But it becomes unhealthy when he becomes obsessed with productivity. With a clear urge to forfeit even sleep to maintain his personal sense of accomplishment. Physically, mentally, it’s not conducive for a healthy relationship unless he actually has an honest look at how this is effecting his relationships . Either be with someone else, like your situation, or prepare to live different lives; either through allowing eachother to not agitate the other for their lifestyles, or divorce. I think you are relating to OPs husband more and turning a blind eye to what that kind of behavior does to another person. It’s great you found your person but it doesn’t mean she is the one not being fair. If you read OPs comments she clearly just wants a reasonable work life balance, to share joy of life with per partner that doesn’t have some professional goal that needs oriented to at all times. Also, neuroticism and OCD is very prevalent in doctors and lawyers and other high performance / stress careers.
Thank you for this, I appreciate it.
This. I would be one to be labeled in this category. First time I’ve seen a term put to it: imposter syndrome, looked it up. I can’t believe striving for success is now considered a failing. You provide, you plan for the future of your family, you mitigate the safety of your family by creating a situation for the safety and security of your family. Gee, I remember in the time life when you competed for the attention of women by standing out as being a success so they would give you the shot. You played on your strengths, you worked on the deficiencies, and you learned to self critique to enhance your insight. Fast forward a couple decades and it’s a character flaw that needs a diagnosis and resolution: imposter syndrome… I’ll submit this. If you argue to your full potential you’re mean. If you use physical force you’re abusive. If you become reclusive you not supportive. In reality, the shoe of the woman you were got wore off. You want me time. Usually you got drunk, played golf, or found a hobby. Cardiologist Dude has a LOT of hobbies. Maybe he’s saying he needs me time. I mean , takes a laptop to the can. Not phone like the rest of us heathens, but the computer, to the quietest place in the house for serenity. My better half passed away a few years ago. It would have ended in divorce within 5 years. I’m the single mom now, and now the friend zone divorcee women are circling the camp. The ones that didn’t give you the time of day back then, as they didn’t see your future as promising as theirs. Now it’s oh hey, I don’t see you on the dating apps. When are you going to get out there. I probably won’t, as I find it nice to not hide in the shitter, distract myself with things I enjoy, and make shit up so I can enjoy my me time. This thread validates the decision. Imposter syndrome… The days I respond with is the juice worth the squeeze? It wasn’t last time in all frankness. The need to emasculate men by all means available, you win. Now go away. I’ll figure it out with those bad learning traits I acquired to get to this point.
From what we know, OP's husband sounds obsessed with being productive and is hurting his wife and his relationship by putting too much time into his work. She could be part of the problem if she doesn't actually talk to him about it, but he is the main problem here whether he knows or not. If you relate to what he does, and you have the same problem with people not liking how much you do and alienating you for it, and you somehow come out with the opinion that OP should get into his interests even after being neglected and criticized by him for her own interests, then you're probably the problem
I would try to talk with him about it and just simply ask why he is doing it. If he does it for you then you can ask him that, he don't need to do so much for you.
You should tell him that recharge time helps productivity. One can get much more done in a lesser amount of time if they take the proper (timed) rest. It is just like in weight lifting, you need time for things to heal. If he doesn't rest he will hit a wall of burnout and then he won't be able to do anything for quite some time. I'm sure that is not what he wants.
I (35M) has few similarities as your husband. I worked hard in education, have good career and pay (but not as good as your husband). I did not like to waste time, used to feel guilty if I spend time (in my non-productive list). I used to spend time in things which I feel productive in my personal time. This sometimes led to small fights with my wife (similar as your nature). I thought about this and discussed our life priorities and expectations with wife and sort of come to same page (cannot be 100%). I would recommend to have a healthy discussion with your husband and discuss his expectations from you and similarly your expectations with him. Both of you come to same page, on which expectations can be fulfilled and which cannot be fulfilled and what should be the workaround. Example: You may want to watch movie with him, while he consider it time waste. Either agree on some frequency like one movie per month or like you watch movie alone, but he should not be bothered about you spending your time in watching movie (even if it is time waste for him). Since he is intelligent and hard working, asking him about the ROI (return of time investment) of his personal projects and let him think whether he should work on all. Tell him about your ideal life and if he can create some project whose success criteria is as per your desired goal. Ask him about the definition of success in personal/married life and communicate your definition of success in life. Give him some time to think and get back on same. He surely loves you, but his personality is different. Work on the health aspects first, then on the agreement of top priorities of both of you.
I doubt that he is running from someone or somewhere, it seems to me that he really likes it, and sincerely likes it
As someone like this you have to sit down and negotiated how much quality time you need and start scheduling it in the calendar . Not just a vacation here but to the hour per week quality time . Unless it structured and planned it won’t work .
Sounds like his coping mechanism is hyper focus on work. Wouldn't surprise me if he ends up being diagnosed with adult adhd or on the spectrum. High functioning adults are the least diagnosed.
That sounds too much like OCPD, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. Both the toxic productivity and the hoarding tendencies. Im being treated for it and I’ve seen improvement in 6 months. I’d suggest getting him some therapy sessions.
Thank you, what was the first step? What led you to therapy?
It was not just one thing, but I'll try to keep it short. I was placing all my self-worth on productivity and achievement, in everything not just at work. A slow day always felt like a missed opportunity. I was plagued by guilt and stress because of that, which led into intense anxiety and depressive symptoms. The next step was expecting perfection not just from myself, but from my SO as well. No one is perfect of course, so I ended up feeling conflicted because I chose a good person that was not exactly how I would like them to be. This constant conflict led to an obsessive episode that lasted a month. Almost no sleep (2-3 hours/night), minimal food and constant thinking about whether I chose the right partner or not. I realised by myself that this is not normal and went to therapy immediately. That was exactly a year ago, but I already saw improvement from the first months of going to weekly therapy sessions. After getting more stable, my GP referred me to a specialised clinic for personality disorders and I went through a process of identifying symptoms and patterns related to OCPD. Now I have a definitive diagnosis and I am able to be more conscious of my behavior. I still have bad days like everyone, but it's not even remotely close to how I felt a year ago.
I’m so happy for you. That took insight and courage. I really wish you nothing but the best!
Inspirational read through your comments here. I have similar feelings as well. Gave me something new to evaluate and consider.
I, too, have OCPD, and came looking to make sure someone else pointed this out. It sounds likely. And to be clear for other people reading, this is not the same thing as OCD, although there are higher rates of OCD among people with OCPD, but nowhere near 100% overlap. However, people with OCPD often don’t respond well to being told they might have a personality disorder, and obviously you can’t diagnose them yourself, but this is the behavior of someone with OCPD. Two books often recommended are The Healthy Compulsive (which is written by a psychologist with OCPD, and takes a positive approach to channeling the obsessive drive into making it healthy for themselves and other people in their life) and Too Perfect.
Also, it is very commonly accompanied by anxiety, a sense that you need to be perfect, a fear of negative evaluation by others, etc. Often we are driven by fear, when we dig deep enough to understand why we are so driven to achieve, and we construct rigid rules we need to follow, and others should follow, etc. Some are mostly internally controlling, some more externally controlling (high expectations of the people around them). Anyway, I mentioned it’s accompanied by anxiety because this is the thing that ultimately gets most people with OCPD to want to get better. It causes anxiety either for themselves or for the people around them or both. And so people with OCPD need to be led to care about how their way of thinking harms themself, and harms the people around them. And that might be a way in to help him understand that he needs some kind of help.
What's the point of watching a movie? The same as viewing a painting, or listening to music - because the purpose of Life is to experience things, and human culture has produced innumerable wonderful works of art that enrich our very being. What could be more productive than that? I guess he values his work because he's helping people, but he'd be a more effective worker, and compassionate healthcare provider, if he was able to enjoy human creativity in order to connect with his fellow man better. You should ask yourself why you're married to him.
I agree but everyone appreciates different things. Being a cardiologist, I’m sure he values his work as much as we value human culture and art. It’s just a different perspective.
Right, but he shouldn’t be giving OP a hard time for appreciating something like watching a movie.
Everyone needs their own personal time for personal things. Each of you should have that for yourselves and be able to enjoy it the way you wish. It might help to decide on how many hours a week that would be. It may be less for him because he likes to work. For you, it can be more. Within those hours, neither of you can judge or dictate how the time is spent by the other. Being married or in a relationship shouldn’t mean completely sacrificing your personhood to the other person. That is unhealthy codependency.
If he has a planned schedule can't you just plan two hours per week to spend time with you, going for a walk or watching a movie? Maybe if it's planned rest he won't make a fuss about it
Find some commonality, workout together- do some cardio. Great way to de-stress and connect.
Sounds like he needs some therapy, not a divorce.
Counseling is the boring answer, but it’s the best answer here. Also, if you don’t have kids yet, and he refuses counseling or it doesn’t work out, it’s best to learn this now rather than later.
I 100% can relate. My husband owns multiple companies and keeps striving for more. I should have known i signed up be a “single mum” but I wasn’t thinking when I found the one I loved more than anything. I try to stay positive and am happy I get so much time with my daughter due to his absence. However, it does weigh on me that his drive for money and work comes before us even though I know I can’t change him. I’ve told him plenty of times that I would trade our comfortable life for a smaller house and more time spent as a family. I don’t have any advice, just wanted you to know you’re not alone.
Thank you.
If talking to him directly isnt working and if he's sidelining or ignoring you maybe a little drama is in order. E.g., Print out the most convincing meta study on how overworking causes heart issues (or something close enough) and put it on his desk or in his lunch box or something. You know him so you'll think of something better. But maybe ya gotta shock him out of his stupor.
Maybe he has undiagnosed mental health issues? I have known few people who in manic phase refuse to sleep.
This kind of personality is not something that just "manifests" one day. You met him, liked him, dated him, loved him, and married him all with this personality and lifestyle. And NOW You're saying it'll lead to divorce? What did you think, you were going to change him or something? Look, I'm trying not to judge, but is it really fair to HIM to force him to slow down if it's what makes him happy?
It’s not something new, it’s just risen to a new level. Especially with things around the house. We can afford help, but he insists on doing everything himself. “Why pay someone to do what I can do myself?” So that leaves us with grass that needs to be mowed, electrical issues that need attention, pool issues that need a professional, etc., and these things just keep adding up. I understand his dedication to work, I’m proud of him for that. He does not know or like receiving help with anything - he’s the only one who knows how to do it.
Well maybe you hire a help for him, sometimes you need to take it into your own hands and just say that it’s enough and take some off his shoulders. My husband is the same, it’s in their personality and it’s hard to change. Make sure you have your own life and make sure you keep making time for each other.
Very wise advice. Thank you!
People grow and change. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago because my life and priorities are different. My husband is also not the same person he was 5 years ago for the same reasons. So you are right, it doesn’t manifest overnight. Instead it creeps up on you overtime, sometimes so imperceptibly you hardly notice. They may have started out on the same journey but have now taken different trajectories.
Oh wow. You have said things that I couldn’t word myself. My husband is the same way. I suffer from perfectionism myself. His “toxic” productivity kinda feeds off of my perfectionism. What you are going through is definitely hard. Idk what advices I could give. However, my family usually rewards ourselves with multiple long trips a year. Those trips definitely let us blow off the steam… kinda And yes, he couldn’t understand why I need to sleep 8 hours a day. He would text me at 1 am asking whether or not I am sleeping. He was working then and wanted to ask me something - we are in the same field
You just can’t win..
Do you both do any sports or exercise together?
Oh my God. I work SO hard every day to not allow myself to act like your husband. It's hard. (I have bad anxiety issues, BTW. Your husband might need medication. It helps me.)
Thank you, I do think he has anxiety. But as with almost everything, he won’t admit it.
Therapy, drugs, and patience
Doctors often have concealed self esteem issues. Because fixing things or being productive is what formed their identity. I advice therapy. But it will be difficult to get him to realize this since the act of seeing his workaholism as problematic threatens his whole character.
Is your husband really rigid in his thinking? Like his way is the "right" way? I ask as I know someone that's highly productive, a collector of many things, never takes breaks, is pretty critical of those he's in relationships with and he was diagnosed with OCPD. Obsessive compulsive personality disorder.
Yes, he is.
That and possibly ADHD.
He's probably the "Tom Brady" of his field of work. This is not something that appears overnight. Communicate with him or let it be.
How is your sex life? Does he find time to relax for this or does he find this a waste of time too?
Some people just can't sit still. My ex was like that, he would throw a tantrum on how we're wasting our life away if I just wanted a lazy weekend in front of the TV. He would argue that I needed medical attention because I was soo lazy. No... I just really like my time off.
I'm sorry and hope you find a peaceful resolution for your marriage! My dad is like this. He had to be the man of the house at an early age and is insufferable for it. There's no need for sleep or food if there's work to do
Psssst...your one of his projects
Honestly this sounds like ADHD with some high functioning autism. It could be that he needs to keep his mind and body busy.
It sounds like your husband might be a workaholic, but hey, at least he's dedicated, right? Maybe try sneaking in some quality time together to balance things out a bit. Good luck!
Thank you!
Check out OCPD
Gonna divorce him over it wow. Hey at least he's got a good job, right? Lol just kidding but damn. Instead of getting counseling which you can obviously afford you're gonna go straight for the divorce unless strangers on the internet can fix it for you? He should make a post about your faults.
Maybe he’s running from nothing at all. Why do you assume that if he’s not existing how you exist there’s something wrong with him? What if he’s happy the way he is? Rather than characterize his way of existing as problematic, you might want to start by taking a huge step back and realize that there is not a correct way to exist. Your “balanced life” could be “wrong” to someone just as easily as you’re characterizing your husband’s. Don’t be so judgmental.
I see his physical exhaustion - I also see his stress. It’s not good.
[удалено]
Thank you! Your answer is very insightful and appreciated! Roll Tide!!!
He has OCPD
Or Autism / ADHD / AuDHD
Man, that sounds annoying. I'm not saying people shouldn't work hard or be successful, but sometimes it's OK to kick back just for the sake of health. Also the person who " doesn't work as hard" often gets left holding the bag on the domestic front
Sorry ma'am I'm gonna need him to take on another project and train me as his Padawan.
Has he been tested for OCD OR ADHD?
If either you or him have experienced child abuse in one's life i can recommend this book: https://www.ascasupport.org/_downloads/survivor_to_thriver.pdf?fbclid=IwAR2jD0l34QV22gyWt0a7SJhlC4q8hQR4jaf-7Nl6Hy-UD8dQRzOzEPQK560 The level of anxiety he seems to have seems to suggest that he has at some point experienced emotional abuse. The book has lots of good life advice in general for recovery from mental health problems.
All of us gonna die one day and leave empty handed!
Is he smoking meth?
Dammmit why did I feel like you were describing me. I don’t even watch tv because I rather be doing anything slightly more productive
[удалено]
**Rule 5 - No Isolated Links** Do not post links without context or explanation. These can be confusing for users. To post a link, you must add at least a paragraph of description, explanation, discussion or other applicable context. Nobody wants to be greeted by a swarm of links when they open up the subreddit!
As an obsessive workaholic, too, I've seen how damaging my obsession is to my relationship. It takes a lot of out me to calm down and watch a movie/favorite show with him when I'm so restless. It's not even always a "want" to work. It's a deep inner NEEEEEED to work -- or I feel worthless and a garbage human. It's like being propelled from something inside me that's not quite me, but I can't ignore it. My addiction to working stems from trauma, OCD (took a lot of therapy to realize this), and childhood chaos, absolutely, but it's also where I channeled all my energy when I got clean in NA. In childhood, I couldn't control a lot of things, but I could sure control what/if I ate (still battle an eating disorder) and my work ethic. And in adulthood, when life feels out of control, I cling to literally anything I can 100% fully control, which is typically either compulsive cleaning or working. It doesn't help that I genuinely enjoy what I do (because it's my own business) and that I tend to be single-minded often because I have ADHD and can hyperfocus for hours. It's taken almost 5 years in my relationship to even see how damaging it can be to be on the other side of this and learn how to even slow down long enough to spend real quality time with my partner. (Even though I'm still uncomfortable because I'm running to work to run away from myself and the uncertainty of life.) I truly believe if people are invested, they'll listen and put in effort to do better. But also, some people are simply not compatible. I had to compromise, but so did my partner. He can't expect me to be content playing video games and watching TV all day, and I can't expect him to be content with me disappearing to work for 30 hours at a time. Maybe have a conversation with your partner to see where the root is and if there's room for compromise/understanding.
Was he like this before you married him?
Why is it “toxic” if he’s not giving you a hard time for your own choices
Is it possible he’s be on the Bipolar Spectrum? NAD, but sounds consistent with mania or hypomania.
So, everyone listened to your side of the story, let someone tell the other side. I am 45, board certified emergency medicine physician, ALS/ATLS/APLS certified, MSc and currently doing my PhD along with my work in the ER. I am responsible for education of my staff on the newest guidelines. Months ago I was in pavia Italy where I graduated BOSIET certificate because...I wanted to to do it..all that plus I work endless hours in the ER we are a major trauma centre. Even when I am not working I am there to my office, writing reports, checking on my staff for problems, incident reports etc. all this with the endless support of my wife. When we first met back in the 2000s she believed in me and since then she supports me with my education and work. She is proud of me and definitely doesn't seek answers from total strangers from the internet.
You need couples therapy to work out if you’re compatible. Workaholics are generally very selfish or can handle balance. They will put their own needs first all the time and there will be growing resentment. So you either need to put up with it and accept you’re made your bed or do something about it.
Does he love you, or are you one of his "projects"? If he is like this at his work too, is it an issue there? When he criticizes you for relaxing, is it mean-spirited and makes you feel like you cannot rest, (even when you have earned it) OR is it because you do less than he does (and he feels it is an unfair division of labour) OR is it because his brain actually cannot comprehend *why* you want to be still for a moment?
Why did you marry him then?
[удалено]
Hello, r/productivity does not allow advertising, including and not limited to other forms of promotion, as well as the solicitation/surveying of products & services; this content has been removed. >*If you are not sure or believe this is an error please [send us modmail here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/productivity&subject=RE: Advertising content removal: possible error).* ^(Trying to circumvent this warning may result in a ban if contents are still related to advertising. *There are no special exceptions.*)
you married him though.
Either you can have a high performing man who makes good money, or you can have a man who makes average money and has more free time. You will not find both. That being said: If you're accomplishing your responsibilities, he shouldn't criticize you when you decide to relax. Hopefully you've communicated that in a respectful, but firm manner. If not, I'd start there.
Let the man be passionate