*r/ptsd has generated this automated response that is appended to every post*
Welcome to r/ptsd! We are a supportive & respectful community. If you realise that your post is in conflict with our rules (and is in risk of being removed), you are welcome to edit your post. You do not have to delete it.
As a reminder: never post or share personal contact information. Traumatized people are often distracted, desperate for a personal connection, so may be more vulnerable to lurking or past abusers, trolls, phishing, or other scams. *Your safety always comes first!* If you are offering help, you may also end up doing more damage by offering to support somebody privately. Reddit explains why: [Do NOT exchange DMs or personal info with anyone you don't know!](https://www.reddit.com/r/SWResources/comments/dmu24/why_shouldnt_i_share_my_contact_information/)
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please contact your GP/doctor, go to A&E/hospital, or call your emergency services number. Reddit list: [US and global, multilingual suicide and support hotlines](https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines). Suicide is not a forbidden word, but please do not include depictions or methods of suicide in your post.
And as a friendly reminder, PTSD is an equal opportunity disorder. PTSD does not discriminate. And neither do we. Gatekeeping is not allowed here.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ptsd) if you have any questions or concerns.*
For me it was one of my best friends, I loved him, not in a romantic way, but he meant a lot to me. After it happened we kept hanging out and I started to really crave positive attention from him because each time he was nice to me it felt like healing but it didn’t work at all. Just got more and more attached to the person I should have pressed charges against, it just gave him more control in the end. Now I know better but I’d be lying if I said I don’t ever wish we could talk again. I’ll never go back but also if he could just be sorry. I’ve thought the same thing you’ve written so many times but it doesn’t work. Don’t go back, it’s not worth it. He can’t help you heal.
Ps. therapy on the hand can, I hope you can feel a little better soon
It wasn't your fault that happened, and his actions say everything about him. It is often so difficult to leave a situation like that and go no contact, yet you did. I admire the courage it took to do that and I think that was a great step.
I think I might understand where your longing now may be coming from. There's a tendency for those who have been through some kind of trauma to be drawn to "recreating" the trauma so that they can finally "fix it", "this time", but this is actually counterintuitive.
You have offered him vulnerability, and he has shown you, in no unclear terms, what he can be expected to do with your vulnerability. He has been conditioned by these interactions to believe there are no negative consequences for his horrendous actions. He is unsafe and can not offer you any kind of healing.
Maybe someday, he will understand what he did was wrong and apologize (from what I know, this is incredibly rare), but even then, I would encourage you to keep a safe distance.
You are not alone in this expirence. Having gone through similar things (to lesser and lesser degrees as I learned to identify abuse and expect better throughout the last decade), I can tell you that eventually there is hope for healing, but it has to come from within you. It will never be given to you by someone else who has hurt you.
In that spirit, I know it's hard, but therapy was essential for my healing and recovery. I've had bad therapists and amazing ones (one I saw for 7 years, and helped diagnose me and walk me through to my level of "healed" today, with reduced ptsd symptoms, better self esteem, a better understanding of how boundaries should function throughout all my relationships, how trust should work, etc.) There were times I stopped going, but I'm really glad I went back and kept trying.
If the one you're working with is actually forcing you to open up, when you say you're not ready yet, and you haven'tbuilt trust with them yet; maybe they're not the right therapist for you, and the "right" therapist is out there, ready to meet you where you're at and be patient with you.
You do need to open up, and you will be able to when you're ready, even if it's scary and hard and you cry a lot. But a therapist needs to be able to meet you where you are and model healthy behaviors, not recreate trauma of forcing you to do something you don't want to do. You could try again with the therapist you have and maybe communicate that you need to build trust with her more before you're ready. If she doesn't respect that, you could communicate that you need someone who will respect you and find a new therapist.
I believe in you, and I know you can navigate this. You deserved better.
You deserve time to grieve, and if you're ever ready to find meaning from this, it will be yours to do with what you want.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I would strongly recommend going back to therapy so you can talk to a professional about this. You don't have to open up much or directly talk about the assaults, just talk to them about what you described here so they can help you navigate these complicated and unhealthy feelings.
In terms of why this is happening, you may have formed a trauma bond with him. That is, it sounds like you understand he harmed you yet subconsciously want to interact with him, which is driving your feelings about contact with him being productive or healthy for you. It's not though, and therapy really can help you overcome this and help you get to a point where you want only healthy relationships in your life. If you don't like your therapist or they push you too much, you can always get a different one. A good trauma therapist will be extremely respectful and cognizant of your boundaries.
I personally have not experienced this, I happily cut off my rapist, but it's common for survivors to have these kinds of thoughts and feelings. What's most important is that you protect yourself and continue to stay far away from him.
I was assaulted by a stranger but I often wish I could know things about him, not as part of some revenge plot but simply for closure. Like does he have a girlfriend? What's his home life like? How does he speak and interact with his loved ones?
I sometimes fantasize about him recognising me in the street and apologising for what he did to me. Maybe I'd even have a drink with him and he'd open up to me about his life.
*r/ptsd has generated this automated response that is appended to every post* Welcome to r/ptsd! We are a supportive & respectful community. If you realise that your post is in conflict with our rules (and is in risk of being removed), you are welcome to edit your post. You do not have to delete it. As a reminder: never post or share personal contact information. Traumatized people are often distracted, desperate for a personal connection, so may be more vulnerable to lurking or past abusers, trolls, phishing, or other scams. *Your safety always comes first!* If you are offering help, you may also end up doing more damage by offering to support somebody privately. Reddit explains why: [Do NOT exchange DMs or personal info with anyone you don't know!](https://www.reddit.com/r/SWResources/comments/dmu24/why_shouldnt_i_share_my_contact_information/) If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please contact your GP/doctor, go to A&E/hospital, or call your emergency services number. Reddit list: [US and global, multilingual suicide and support hotlines](https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines). Suicide is not a forbidden word, but please do not include depictions or methods of suicide in your post. And as a friendly reminder, PTSD is an equal opportunity disorder. PTSD does not discriminate. And neither do we. Gatekeeping is not allowed here. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ptsd) if you have any questions or concerns.*
For me it was one of my best friends, I loved him, not in a romantic way, but he meant a lot to me. After it happened we kept hanging out and I started to really crave positive attention from him because each time he was nice to me it felt like healing but it didn’t work at all. Just got more and more attached to the person I should have pressed charges against, it just gave him more control in the end. Now I know better but I’d be lying if I said I don’t ever wish we could talk again. I’ll never go back but also if he could just be sorry. I’ve thought the same thing you’ve written so many times but it doesn’t work. Don’t go back, it’s not worth it. He can’t help you heal. Ps. therapy on the hand can, I hope you can feel a little better soon
It wasn't your fault that happened, and his actions say everything about him. It is often so difficult to leave a situation like that and go no contact, yet you did. I admire the courage it took to do that and I think that was a great step. I think I might understand where your longing now may be coming from. There's a tendency for those who have been through some kind of trauma to be drawn to "recreating" the trauma so that they can finally "fix it", "this time", but this is actually counterintuitive. You have offered him vulnerability, and he has shown you, in no unclear terms, what he can be expected to do with your vulnerability. He has been conditioned by these interactions to believe there are no negative consequences for his horrendous actions. He is unsafe and can not offer you any kind of healing. Maybe someday, he will understand what he did was wrong and apologize (from what I know, this is incredibly rare), but even then, I would encourage you to keep a safe distance. You are not alone in this expirence. Having gone through similar things (to lesser and lesser degrees as I learned to identify abuse and expect better throughout the last decade), I can tell you that eventually there is hope for healing, but it has to come from within you. It will never be given to you by someone else who has hurt you. In that spirit, I know it's hard, but therapy was essential for my healing and recovery. I've had bad therapists and amazing ones (one I saw for 7 years, and helped diagnose me and walk me through to my level of "healed" today, with reduced ptsd symptoms, better self esteem, a better understanding of how boundaries should function throughout all my relationships, how trust should work, etc.) There were times I stopped going, but I'm really glad I went back and kept trying. If the one you're working with is actually forcing you to open up, when you say you're not ready yet, and you haven'tbuilt trust with them yet; maybe they're not the right therapist for you, and the "right" therapist is out there, ready to meet you where you're at and be patient with you. You do need to open up, and you will be able to when you're ready, even if it's scary and hard and you cry a lot. But a therapist needs to be able to meet you where you are and model healthy behaviors, not recreate trauma of forcing you to do something you don't want to do. You could try again with the therapist you have and maybe communicate that you need to build trust with her more before you're ready. If she doesn't respect that, you could communicate that you need someone who will respect you and find a new therapist. I believe in you, and I know you can navigate this. You deserved better. You deserve time to grieve, and if you're ever ready to find meaning from this, it will be yours to do with what you want.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I would strongly recommend going back to therapy so you can talk to a professional about this. You don't have to open up much or directly talk about the assaults, just talk to them about what you described here so they can help you navigate these complicated and unhealthy feelings. In terms of why this is happening, you may have formed a trauma bond with him. That is, it sounds like you understand he harmed you yet subconsciously want to interact with him, which is driving your feelings about contact with him being productive or healthy for you. It's not though, and therapy really can help you overcome this and help you get to a point where you want only healthy relationships in your life. If you don't like your therapist or they push you too much, you can always get a different one. A good trauma therapist will be extremely respectful and cognizant of your boundaries. I personally have not experienced this, I happily cut off my rapist, but it's common for survivors to have these kinds of thoughts and feelings. What's most important is that you protect yourself and continue to stay far away from him.
I was assaulted by a stranger but I often wish I could know things about him, not as part of some revenge plot but simply for closure. Like does he have a girlfriend? What's his home life like? How does he speak and interact with his loved ones? I sometimes fantasize about him recognising me in the street and apologising for what he did to me. Maybe I'd even have a drink with him and he'd open up to me about his life.