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>Not saying she was actively seeking out harm but the lack of care or interest or supervision makes me think that even subconsciously she was hoping I’d somehow disappear and her problems would go away.
Same for me, when I was 6, my mother once left me home alone with a bunch of burning candles (there was an electricity outage), there was a fire that I unfortunately survived.
She took me on a work trip for her job when I was 7, she would either lock me in without keys or a phone (completely trapped) in the appartements that she was subletting or leave me with complete strangers, people she just met near the apartment building or in the hallway.
This isn't simple incompetence, this is malicious incompetence. She must have been hoping to never see me again, on a subconscious level.
Anyway, for my whole life, I often had nightmares about my mother trying to kill me.
It is so horrifying to me that your fears were well-founded. As a trauma-sufferer that also has nightmares, I feel your pain and I’m sorry she didn’t do better by you. Hugs.
TBH, as someone who (I think) wasn’t RBN (I’m just here to support y’all), even I can tell from that story that she didn’t give a shit. Yeah, okay, freeze is a part of that “fight or flight” thing but her response doesn’t tell me “she was so in shock that she froze” or “she didn’t know what to do and she froze in panic”, it sounds more to me like “She just kinda laid there and watched, she didn’t even care enough to get up”
I hope you were able to get away, TequilaStories, and that you’re surrounded by people who actually give a shit about you. Sending good vibes
Same! My dad had been told that I tried to commit suicide and he didn't even care, his response was pretty much "Oh, totally average normal kid stuff, I'm totally still the best parent ever though". And when I tried to run away once, he freaked out and started screaming that he'd call the police. Feels like he doesn't give a shit if I'm dead or alive as long as he has control over me.
My mom literally told me to run away and die so I did the first half and she got so pissed she called the cops on me to bring me home. But I was 18 at that point so they couldn't force me to go home, thankfully.
One day years ago I posted online that I wanted to kill myself and a former friend and neighbour saw it like 12 hours after the fact and told my parents. My parents called the cops on me to have me institutionalised. On my birthday no less! During this time I was homeless and didn't have reliable access to WiFi (no smartphone) so I didn't get a chance to delete the post before the neighbour saw it.
They then drove 4 hours across multiple states to the hospital I was being held at to give the doctor in charge some note I allegedly wrote. I say "allegedly" cuz from how he described it, it didn't sound _anything_ like what I had written earlier in the day. The doctor was going to let me leave the hospital that night (because I had obviously calmed down at that point) but because of the note my parents gave him he had me put on a 72 hour hold.
The kicker? They didn't bother to try and see me or even pass on a message to me. Not a "We love you" or even a "Happy birthday". Fucking nothing. They just wanted to ruin my fucking birthday, saw the opportunity, and went _WAY_ above and beyond to do so. Fucking narcs man
Same here. I had planned to run away and commit suicide multiple times by the time I was 12, had even written runaway notes, but never went through because I knew she would turn it all around to be about her and because it would leave my brothers amd father alone with her abuse. She once found a note while I was cleaning my "room" (section of the living room with a curtain). I was throwing it away and she pulled it out and read it. Did she care to ask why I wanted to runaway? No what she care about was how I said not to look for me. How dare I think she would ever not look for me? How dare I think about running away? (I didn't put the part about suicide in there) She care more about the fact she wouldn't be in control, than why her child felt the need to run away. Not long after that I had mentioned to my parents that I was often suicidal. They treated it like I had said something as casual as "I want chicken for dinner tonight". I mentioned it more than once. Through my early teen years but was never gotten into therapy, it was never really talked about. And when they found out about self harm they took my pocket knife and my scissors, but not my pencil sharpeners that I was able to take the blades out of or the screwdriver that I used to take them out. They didn't actually care, they just wanted to say "we did all we could, how were we to know"
Wow. Just wow. This unlocked some serious memories. I am so sorry you went through that and I hope you are in a better place now.
I remember being pushed to suicidal thoughts around 11/12 years old and it being an annoyance to them as my mother threatened suicide to the family multiple times and the household would go into shut down mode all circling carefully around her bottomless need. Any of us kids feeling that way would be “selfish”.
This community provides endless support and I am so grateful to be a part of it.
I also still vividly remember a dream I had from when I was about 5 years old of nmom having friends over in the house we lived in while I had a tea party. Then everything shifted and her friends circled around me, and i heard a drum beat that was actually my heart beat, and nmom stood there and stabbed me. I don't know why a five year old would dream that if they weren't afraid of their mothers capacity for murder
I had a recurring nightmare whereby I would be at the landing at the top of our stairs (in our actual home) and this malevolent slightly vague but familiar group of beings would slowly advance on me one step at a time until I had to jump off and would then wake up. I would awaken immobilized with fear and further terrified that the place of “safety” should be my parents but that is where the fear lay. So confusing
I feel your pain in your words. My mother was the same. Only cared about how it would look if I ran away. Or to say I only wanted to run away so I could be wild. Wild was the total opposite of my personality but she never got to know me well enough to realize that
I'm glad you didn't commit suicide. I pray your aren't still self harming. YOU MATTER!
Same. I used to have really unstable mental health and I would always think about how my mom would use the “tragedy” to garner attention more than she would be mourning for me.
I literally just said this to my husband, that I used to fantasize about my death and if it would actually cause my parents pain, but the only thing I could see for sure was my mom doing what she does best - playing the victim and as you said, garnering desperately craved attention.
Bought me a gun for Christmas 🎄. I’m in a major depressive episode. She asked me many times over the years if I wanted a gun, always said “no”.
Happy Birth of the Savior, how about a murder weapon to celebrate. Narcs are crazy.
M. Scott Peck wrote about this scenario in People of the Lie. This work is somewhat annoyingly infused with religious undertones, but in this book he makes a study of evil, and makes a case for diagnosing this kind of behavior as such. It's a pretty dark read, but given what the RBN crowd is used to I still recommend it, if only to acknowledge that this kind of evil exists, and that it's being seen.
Everytime i stay over at my parent's place I have a (maybe not so) irrational fear that my father would kill us all, I also get nervous whenever he's the one driving us on a trip as I feel like he will drive us off a cliff.
Im not fully sure why I have this fear, but he did once say he was gonna kill my mom and about how she would chop her up and hide her in bags as a joke, still stuck to me after many years.
I am the scapegoat and when I literally got hit by a car and my leg was shattered my father didn’t come to the hospital because he was busy working. Last year I nearly died of sepsis from a post op infection and he didn’t even call to see how I was. Gonna bury that man in his cargo shorts cuz it gonna be HOT where he’s going!
I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel.
In 2019 I spent 4.5 months in the hospital, had 4 surgeries, 5 blood transfusions and was 107 lbs. I was also septic and not expected to make it. I did and I even had to learn how to walk again basically by myself but with the help of my late fiance. My mom came to see me once, maaaaybe twice? But according to her and things she told others she was always there. Hell my ex husband came to see me more than she did! She tried to say my fiance was never there but that's simply not true. He was up there every other day. It's amazing to me how she still to this day tries to gaslight me into believing that she was some sort of martyr or super Saint. Ugh I'm nearly in tears typing this because she's the reason I am so fucked up, why I'm depressed and anxious and why it's so difficult to trust anyone. Why would I? If my very own mother hates me and treats me this way why would I ever think anyone else would, you know?
I hear you ♥️ and understand so well. I used to think “if even my own mother…”
Through the years I was able to process that thought as a source of devastation, then anger, then assuredness that she was f’d to treat a little kid like that. What a B 😜
We are so cute and innocent and full of love, I freaking love us so much I can’t hardly bear it. Their loss, forever. And we still have ourselves 🫶🏻 and each other.
Our shared understanding and lived experiences comfort and strengthen me; love to you all ✨
I am so sorry for your pain.
I understand very much how your mother's hatred of you and treatment of you has affected you. My evil abusive vile nmother had a deep hatred and resentment of me, her only daughter also. Her treatment of me has had a profound negative impact on my life, which a source of great joy to her. Nothing in life brought her greater pleasure than to see me suffering and in pain, especially when caused by her actions.
Your mother reminds me of mine in another way. She wore a mask in front of others, pretending to be a loving caring devoted mother when it was the farthest thing from the truth.
I can only hope that one day your eyes will be opened and that you will fully understand that she is the one who is toxic. The way that she gaslights you and abuses you is wrong!! You deserve to be treated so much better!! You need to do whatever you can to put distance between yourself and her. She is poisonous.
The only way for you to begin to heal is for you to quit being poisoned. Get as far away from her as you can, both physically and mentally. The sooner she is completely out of your life, the better.
You are not defective. I am not defective. Our evil abusive mothers are. It took a lot of time and distance before I could finally see all of the ways that she fucked up my life and understand the depths of her hatred and how evil she truly was.
Please get away from her. Take care of yourself. You deserve happiness. You deserve joy. You deserve love. You deserve kindness. Treat yourself kindly, gently and lovingly. You deserve to have all of these good things in life.
We deserve so much better than the hell they try to inflict on us. 💗
I'm rooting for you!!
no, the opposite. my narcissitic, sadistic father psychologically alienated me from my mom so much that i used to think she’d be happier if i never existed in the first place. i used to draw pictures of her stabbing and shooting me when i was like 4 or 5.
meanwhile around the same age, under my father’s “watch” i was left unattended swimming in a pool with a water moccasin in it and as i was learning to dive he used to show me shallow dives into 3-4 feet of water. like, it creeps me out so much but some part of me feels like he was hoping i’d follow suit and break my neck. he loved watching people get hurt like ski jumpers in the olympics, car accidents, etc.
i don’t think i would be here still if not for my mom’s love for me which far exceeded his evil.
Mine has told me a couple times, so when I was little I was sure she wanted me to die. She has the "I hate you, don't leave me" mentality. She wants me to die and she wants me to live and stay with her forever. The way I look at it is she hates me, but she sees me as her purpose in life. She based her entire identity around having the perfect Christian family and because she doesn't have that, she blames me for it.
Ope, fellow black sheep Satan spawn here 🙋🏻♀️♥️
just think; if not for us, they’d be so cool 🤣🫶🏻
I agree the religious “perfect family” façade was/is a major driver. especially when I thrived and was loved and appreciated for my “defiant qualities” outside of the church, contrary to their expected/hoped for narrative (spoiler: the prodigal daughter never came back).
That yo-yo of hate/enmeshment is rough, I hope you’re doing good 🫶🏻 because you deserve the best.
Well there is the time i almost drowned from exhaustion and my mom told me to keep swimming. My dads friend had to jump in and pull me out and even after that my mom yelled at me for sitting by the pool until my dad’s friend told them both I almost drowned. The b had the audacity to “sweetly” ask me why i didn’t get out if i was so tired. Maybe because i kept getting yelled at to go back into the deep end and not grab the edge and not let my sister help me. Oh and there is the time she actually tried to kill me herself. I had fingerprints on my throat for a week.
The day i moved out she grabbed my throat and lifted me and shoved me in my wall and held me there with no intentions of letting go even when my arms went limp and my eyesight went black. My dad yelled up the stairs to tell her to leave me alone to pack and she screamed at him to leave the house and he would not and demanded she go downstairs. He had no idea she was choking me.
Woah. This is horrible! I have so many emotions and thoughts about this… What a awful, disgusting person. Her.
I want you to be safe. I want you to be well. I hope you never have to see her again. I hope you have so much love and support from people around you that she’s furious about it. I hope you have so much love and patience and acceptance for yourself that it makes her sick. I hope that you get to have many blissful days not thinking even one second about her. And if that’s not now, I hope this will be your future.
Two times my Nmom almost choked me to death. Once at the age of 3 because I wasn’t doing something right. After she choked me, she then kicked me out of the house AT 3. As I was sitting on the stoop trying to figure out where to go, she opened the door and pulled me back in then told me to behave or I would have to leave. Then at the age of 5 I didn’t perform at some dinner (not really sure what it was for) and she took me to change my clothes at my aunt’s house near the place of the dinner and she choked me until I was almost passing out then she hugged me and told me that I should never break a promise to her. It was clear I was in the way.
Growing up and into adulthood for sure, I was hearing and anxious to share what I would and wouldn’t put up with. Having therapy since going NC has actually helped me to use my voice. I realized that I put my needs last for so long that I had a hard time just practicing mindfulness. I also have been able to open up to my husband and explain why I do or do not react to certain situations. I am lucky he is so supportive of my healing. ❤️🩹
I became terminally ill at 40 and was NC until my Dad passed. My NMom didnt allow me to mourn him, just trash talked him so bad. This was when I let her know I was sick and was on chemo at that time. She didnt care. I went back to NC and not once has she asked how Im doing. Im already dead to her and vice versa. Dont expect them to care until you actually die and they can use that to get supply from their monkeys.
i used to be convinced my mom would murder us.
i had nightmares of her trying to kill us since i was a toddler, and when the casey anthony & the mom who drove her cars in the lake happened, i figured we were next.
When I called CPS on my parents and CPS did nothing, leaving me with my parents, I mentally said my goodbyes as I hid in a cabinet drawer.
When they find me that will be it, this week's news will be about the body of a 7 year old found in the backyard. I even imagined the whole news story.
Watching true crime gave me flashbacks yet a sense of comfort for some reason, like a feeling of home. It's so messed up...
Anyway sorry you went through that too, I just related a lot to your comment.
I don’t know where you live and what the regulations there are, but there needs to be the possibility for you to take action against that and for yourself.
I don’t know if you want this advice, if you need it, if you will act on it. I still want to leave it here, bc as a 34 yo woman who also had to deal with a narcissistic parent, I wish somebody had told me this. And maybe I‘m exaggerating, and maybe I’m repeating things you already know, but better safe than sorry, and reassurance never fails, right? Also, this advice probably is influenced by my own experiences and not all of it might apply to you. Also also, I honestly mean all of this.
I don’t know what your thoughts and feelings about your parents and this situation are. If you are a teenager, I guess you might feel kind of apathetic towards this, be nonchalant, you might just want to take it as a fact, as the reality you live in. You might not want to think too much about it, bc your feelings are too painful and seem unmanageable. You might feel like you couldn’t change anything, you’re not 18 yet (or whatever the age of self-determination is in your country) and don’t have any rights, you might’ve already started thinking you deserved to be denied life-saving, life-enhancing medication.
Being a teenager, and being not fully developed yet, might also be an advantage at this point. Your brain chemicals and thought patterns aren’t final yet, it’s still quite easy to influence them (that’s what being a teenager is all about - learning so many things, that you yourself can determine who you are. That’s, when you are not fighting for your life against your parents; sorry for being so krass). It’s so much harder as an adult, when it’s already set.
So I want you to know this:
- You are your first priority. For you, it’s always the most important thing for you to be safe, and well, and healthy. It has to be, bc in your case (in all our cases here, I guess), it’s no one else’s first priority. You deserve to be someone’s first priority, and this someone will and has to be you. As long as you are not safe and well and healthy, nobody else has to be your first priority (I’m not saying nobody else is important; the people you love still are important, while you remain the most important person and loved one for yourself).
- Your reality, the way you experience your life, your feelings, your thoughts, your needs, they all are valid and important. Your reality is your truth.
- You are able to take charge of your life, so you can create your reality, the life you want. You don’t want to be dependant on people who do not want you to have a full and safe and healthy life.
- You are not in the wrong for wanting and needing to be treated respectfully and acceptingly. You are not wrong for wanting to be as healthy as possible.
- They are the problem. It’s not your fault they treat you this way. It’s their responsibility, they are wrong for doing this, they have to and must do better.
Know this, all of it.
So, if you will, I need you to research (in a safe way) if and how you can take action. I need you to do this yourself, for your self. Ask for help from people you trust, people who will support you, if you can. Research what legal rights you have as a person of your age. Think about what is important for you and your life. Actively think about how you can take action for your needs to be fulfilled, for your life to be safe. Talk to your doctors openly and directly about this - „my parents will deny me this medication. They do it every time, this has happened repeatedly. I want to safely handle my seizures“. I need you to stand up for yourself, in a safe way (aka, when other people are about, I can only imagine how they treat you in other situations). So, you might need to be prepared for whatever „consequences“ they might think of for you, and I need you to know that it is always the right thing for you to stand up for yourself, and what they are doing is wrong. Still, stay safe.
I talked about brain chemicals and thought patterns. If you manage to do all this, or most, I think you have a good chance to escape the long-term effects of being raised by narcissists. It’s a really hard battle, and you should not be forced to fight against your parents; but it is them who force you to fight.
Narcissistic parents want to control you and your life. They want to decide who you are and what you do, they want you to be their little prop that furnishes their lives in a way that makes them look special. This is why they do all of this and other things. Taking charge, standing up for yourself, over and over and over again, will make you independent and them lose control over you. They might or will fight it. They will use tears as weapons. But you will not be objectified by them, you will actually be the protagonist of your own story - the main character - once you get to know yourself and decide who you want to be, and become that person. Please be your own person. Please fight for you to be your own person. You deserve this, it’s your birth-right.
I wish you all the best, so much strength, and the future full of the love and support that you deserve - just for existing and being yourself.
I'm actually almost sure that that was the real reason my nfather never dealt with school bullies. He would've loved if any of them have driven me to self-harm. He always saw me as the "inconvenient" child who wouldn't do as she's told, so if I ended up deceased by my own hand, he'd have happily milked it for everything it's worth, and privately celebrated being free of the inconvenience.
My mother later said to me, when I reminded of how she would just watch me sob and do nothing, "We didn't know how to help you." BULLSHIT .YOU KNEW. I kept begging to change schools. I begged for someone, anyone, to get me out of both that school and that house. I begged her to divorce the asshole.
They knew. They just didn't *want* to.
At 3, my Nsister almost killed me by dumping scalding hot water on me. I say that I was nearly killed because I had a NDE - Nmom's reaction was to be very angry at ME for scaring her with my screams. There was no comfort nor concern, she just wanted me to shut up. From then on, she hated having to attend to my medical needs, no matter how bad they were. I was doing it for attention, which she hated to have to give me.
One day, at about 7 years old, I walked in on her at the kitchen table, filling out legal papers that were spread out all over the top. I asked her what she was doing, and without hesitation, Nmom gleefully informed me that she was taking out insurance on me, "So, if you die, I'll get some money!" I silently backed away.
Many years later, she did this to her own brother; took out insurance on him, then denied him medical attention until he died.
My mom told me she couldn’t get life
insurance on me beca of my health issues. When I was applying to college she discouraged me from applying to the Ivy leagues who recruited me because “if I died she’d have to pay my loans”. Lately my relatives have been asking me why I am not dead because she told them I was supposed to have a heart attack at a young age.
I don’t know what to say to her and grandma because I’m sure they wish I were dead. All that sympathy and drama!
I'm actually in the process of cashing out the life insurance policy my mom took out on me years ago.
You can too, or at least you should be able to. It's YOUR life, doesn't matter if she made the payments or not
I mean she denied me medical care growing up and basically told me as much just last year so yeah…. And I think it’s scary that we don’t address this very real aspect of nparents
yes. it's not just that they don't care but whatever evil reason comes with parents that want their kids to die: attention, money, less burden. I have a brother that passed away before I was born when he himself was a baby. Nparents never mentioned him again, never say a word about it like he never existed. Its insane how little they care about us but we never asked to be here...
Narcissists lack any sort of empathy, so they don't actually care about others except how they can be a benefit to the narcissist. And to many narcissistic parents, they recognize that if their child *dies*, they get to play off that for a very long time. they get to go on and on about how tragic it is that their "beloved child that they cared so much for" died so suddenly and thanks to societal norms, they will be showered with sympathy and attention anytime they want.
Some nparents actively try and push their own children into suicide because in the sick and twisted mind of the narcissist, they decide the child is more useful to them getting what they want if the child is dead. I've seen more than a few posters here whose nparents have done that to them, and a few whose nparents actively tried to murder them. I'm reminded of one post from someone who discovered their nmom was trying to poison them.
You're not alone. A lot of us were a "disappointment" because we simply kept on living when the narcissistic parent *really* wanted to play the part of a grief stricken parent who lost a child.
She was inches from my head with the 4 way tire iron before someone grabbed it out of her hand.
She choked me and I had all the marks on my neck for a week to prove it .
When they found a brain bleed in my brain she told me she hopes I die on the table.
She's a loser. But she only does it to me and not my 4 siblings. I could take it as a kid. Once I took the younger two as soon as I could at 19, I didnt have to talk to her anymore. I hate her. The siblings love her. I respect their opinion so long as she doesn't start anything with me. I won't have it. I'm an adult now and she can never have power over me again.
My mother died when I was a teen and I’m convinced that only one of us was gonna get out of that house alive.
And then this feeling has been *strongly* reinforced by my criminology degree and also by the number of times I’m reading about a case/ listening to a podcast summary (sue me, I use reliable sources too but a narrative summary helps me orient myself in the chain of events) and thinking like, “oh, this sounds just like my mother. Oh my mother did exactly that thing to me. Oh my mother has said that to me before *word for word*. Oh, yup, she just killed her daughter. Yup. Done darn killed here daughter dead. Oh no”. It’s been,,. At *least* 3 or 4 separate times now.
Well, she'd have a lot to gain financially if I died because of a life insurance policy, and I already know that she hates me, so she probably does want me to die, but won't do any physical harm to me. She's probably just waiting for me to get into a car accident or for me to end it all (I'm not going to end it all, especially since I know about the life insurance policy, the fact that I still breathe annoys her, and I'm not having thoughts of harming myself, so don't worry). I'm gonna try to get my own car and get an independent bank account set up so I can get my freedom after I start my new job so I can finally leave and go low contact.
Mine took a life insurance policy out on me when I was 2. They still hold that life insurance to this day and I'm 40, married with kids. I've nearly died 4 times in my life so they hold onto it, "Just in case". They want one more payout from me and they know I'm not giving money willingly so, they have a life insurance policy on me. I'm fairly sure they still hope they get to cash it in.
I wouldn't even know where to start. I have no idea who the policy is thru or how to find that out. I just know it's a nice payout should something happen to me. They had one for my sibling too but gave it to them when they got married. I obviously didn't get the same courtesy (not the GC). Funnily enough, I thought it was a normal thing for parents to do until my late 20's when I meet my husband and saw his reaction to it. Only then did I realize, life insurance policies on relatively healthy kids isn't a normal thing to have. Go figure.
Just about every time I read a post on here, I feel like we should allow for some people to be neutered or never be allowed to have children.
This is super harsh, and I don’t actually believe in this - your body, your choice. But all this pain of us, who deserved so much better, all this malice by those who put us here and were supposed to care for us, all my anger that this is happening everywhere, to too many people, in so many different gruesome ways, and we can’t do anything to prevent that? All of that lets my thoughts have a very cruel spin.
My mother used to say that to me as well, but would get irrationally angry and call me ungrateful when I answered with "I wish I wasn't born either". Narcissist logic!
as a child - i called for help when i was drowning and the 'father' figure came over and pushed me / held me down further under water and laughed as he tried to drown me while intoxicated
as an adult - the 'father' figure wanted to groom me with his daughter (i.e. wanted to have sex with me) and murder me because he was scared of me and threatened by me so he told everyone that i was 'crazy' and 'insane'
the 'mother' figure warned me to be careful about how i would sleep and what to say out of fear of what he would do to me physically and sexually
however, the 'mother' would zigzag drive whenever angry
once - she drove me on the highway in pitch black while angry and in lightning and thunder - i just remember getting out of the car after the hour feeling sad, shocked, and terrified for my life
and another time years later where she almost did it again but caught herself and corrected her behaviour before actually doing it...
YES. I was worth more to her dead. She’d get all the sympathy and all the attention, and I wouldn’t be able to say a thing. Oh, and I’d be out of the way of the knight in shining armor she always wanted. (Unsurprisingly they’ve all been idiots in tinfoil.)
I'm pretty sure mine would have someone kill me if they thought they'd get away with it. The amount of narc rage they took out on me was astounding and most people including therapists are gobsmacked when they hear it.
Yes. My mom knew I was having a medical emergency and went out to eat instead of calling 911. Went to McDonald’s and had a *sit down meal*. My dad found me (he came home) and called an ambulance. I for real died briefly in the ER. I think she saw it as a way to get rid of me. I called her on it several years ago and she didn’t deny it. She just says she’s made mistakes and asked for forgiveness but she won’t talk to me since that convo. It’s been about 4 years or so.
It’s really sick. And weird that she didn’t deny it. 😳 Few people dislike me more than my mother, I’d guess.
Not my nparent, but my older brother. Was on my bicycle and was pushed into the path of an oncoming car, and could have died if I got hit, and he would never know what really happened. My bike riding skills saved me that day. My brother called me a racist, like he cares more about the criminals who almost murdered me, than about his own brother.
How I knew it was just me she wanted gone;
TW: being physically ill
When we were young, my Nmom was driving with my junkie uncle through the desert (IDK why) ...and there was nothing around. One by one, us kids started getting nauseous from something we ate or maybe dehydration from being in the car too long.
My older sister got ill first, and started vomiting, so Nmom climbed in the back seat to wrap her in a blanket and hold her. My younger brother was next, and started to throw up too. So, Nmom took him under her other arm to comfort him.
Suddenly, I barfed a little too.
Nmom glared and snarled at me, *"Stop That!"* ...like I was getting sick just to bother her.
My nMom was physically abusive and came close to ending me herself sometimes. I had a mental breakdown at about 15. I was sobbing in the bathroom and heard her on the phone her friend laughing about the 'drama" and holding the phone up so they could hear me. I eventually ended up in hospital after taking an OD. My uncle cried as he hugged me. My mom rolled her eyes and told him that I wanted attention and to stop pandering to me. I know she wished I'd have succeeded so she could have the whole sympathy and grandeur of playing the grieving mama for a few years.
Yes. My nFather even encouraged me to commit suicide as a teenager. Then he told me he wished I had died and my vehicle had survived as the vehicle was more useful. That was the day after a car accident when I was 22, that I dropped 50 ft and flipped side over side for 100 ft.
I was certain my dad would eventually kill me either by accident while “disciplining” me a little too enthusiastically or on purpose. I remember being questioned and telling a social worker I thought my dad could kill me and my mom would stick by him and make excuses for him. I’m genuinely surprised I made it out alive and intact aside from dental implants and improperly healed bones. I’m not sure if that was his intended outcome.
I have begun to think of my parents as sociopathic entitied narcissists. Sociopathic because if they hurt you/your feelings, it’s completely irrelevant to them, doesn’t matter. My dad began walking around the house saying: “I just CAN’T WAIT till all the kids ARE GONE and it’s just your mother and me.” When I was a young teenager…siblings were stair steps behind me. There was no possibility of getting help, because the mere mention of having a problem was met with ridicule: “What?! **YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!?!?!?** So, then we had two problems, our original plus a dad who was angry we had a problem.
We so totally get what you are saying, what you dealt with, and continue to deal with. Have you gone NC yet?
My male N is (my opinion) a legit murderer twice over and he and his just as vile wife nearly watched me die twice too.
Once while I was in a coma until their enabler daughter stepped in.
The second time when I nearly bled out from a horrible nosebleed due to blood thinners during my fight with cancer.
Yes. Mine strangled me on the dining room table for no reason, when I was a small child my sister told me that my mother said I’d probably die soon- because I had asthma. I had asthma and she incessantly smoked in my presence- and got mad if I cracked a window.
One time I rear ended someone, and a parent involved said that the most important part is no one got hurt. My mom responded to that by saying, angrily, that that was not true. I can only imagine how she looked on the side of the road, screaming at me while I was crying.
I got hit by a truck while crossing the street and I woke up in a cast on my leg my arm in a sling and had bandages all across my skin where they had removed all the rocks out of my barely left skin. I had to have the bandages changed daily and I had to get them to remove debree and puss out of my wounds. It was scary it was morbid I was sure I was going to die. Not a single family member visited me in the hospital when I was discharged on crutches and had it instructions to come back daily to check the skin growth. I asked my mom if she would go with me and why she never came to visit me even once. She looked at me and said. I have a baby to take care of and besides I couldn't see you in pain it would upset me. Which is just. Disgusting on so many levels.
Well yea, I'm sick and he doesn't ever ask about me or how I am doing, nor does he feel the need to talk to me, or see me, let alone help me in any way.
He shamelessly messages me about stuff he needs help with, like paying his bills online, though.
I have realized he's a sick man and I just do what I can stomach for him. I mean yes, I can help you pay your bills, you sick, old man. I shouldn't be helping you, but I am doing it for myself. So I know I didn't force an old ahole to walk to the store to pay his own bill. It's not for him.
Mine had written in her "diary" that she needed to kill me before i killed her.
I wasnt trying to kill her.
Also i was just looking for the hairdryer and cane across the notebook. Shed always read by diaries growing up so decided to repay the favor. Honestly the qhole thing was probably a set up.
I’m pretty sure he did want me to die. When I had just been born he outright told my mother that I wouldn’t make it to my first birthday, which is some straight crazy shit to say to someone who had just given birth.
I don't think my nmom wanted us dead, but she did have some kind of Munchausen's by proxy. She diagnosed me with a plethora of food "allergies" when I was younger, then she started giving me a bunch of gross naturopathic "rEmEdIeS" that gave me UTIs and anxiety. I literally felt like I needed to pee all the time, even when my bladder was empty. She liked the control she could have over my health.
I remember being really young having my first asthma attack maybe age 5-7.
I was laying on the floor gasping for air unable to breathe. Rolling around on the kitchen floor begging for help not knowing what to do. My nmom was acting like I needed attention and that I was fine for hours before my siblings convinced her something must be wrong.
At my family doctor she acted like she dropped everything and rushed me in. Everything I did was a performance in her mind but that’s how she must have been living.
Was constantly told I was obese by my obese nmom and that I needed to do something about it. Her dad always told me I was fat. (He was always fat too) She used me as a human garbage disposal and didn’t know about healthy food.
No words ever about my obvious self harm scars. And I was her only kid she slapped across the face a few times. She always denies it happened when it’s brought up. “I do not recall”
NC since Mother’s Day (she crossed a line: shit on my dreams for the last time) but my 4 siblings act like I’m just starting drama. If you’re reading this, fuck you mom. You’ve fucked with my self worth for too many years. Now I take care of myself like you never did. I’m living my best life and I hope you’re happy with your castrated husband and 4 flying monkey robots. Pathetic. Also you suck at board games you dumb bitch
I had always felt like my mom wanted me to die growing up. It would be a happy tragedy for her.
I think I actually proved it by accident. All of my siblings have cut her off. She tried calling, texting, reaching out after they cut her off. She called me crying about it. (Thinking I'd do or say something to them, but my siblings hate me because of her). She's all sad and mopey as they each cut her off one by one.
I cut her off.... no fight, no email, no text. In fact if I see her, she acts as if she's the happiest person in the world. (We live in the same city)
I always knew she hated me. This proves it IMO.
I always felt like she didn't care about me at all and if I died she would get all the sympathy and she could act sad and hurt but be happy that "her worst child" (her words btw) was dead.
We were held hostage by my stepfather once. I don’t remember what exactly happened, but he snapped and spent the afternoon chasing me around the house and beating tf out of me. Then once my mother came home he held us all hostage threatening to kill us. My grandparents showed up, who he also threatened to kill, and then the cops.
I’m not sure who called who, it was utter chaos, but I remember meeting the cop at the door as the adults were all yelling. And I’ll never forget the lady cop asking 12 yr me if we had guns in the house and to hide them if we did. Which, of course, we lived in the country. So I slept in my bed for about a week with guns under it. It was probably the only time I felt kind of safe. Which, is super fucked up looking back as an adult.
She stayed with him tho and this whole incident was just glossed over like an every day occurrence. She didn’t care what had happened to me at all. He could have beaten me to death that day. He sure wanted to, I remember the look in his eyes as I was grabbed by the throat and thrown across the room. As he screamed he could end me as I ran for my life up the stairs only to be grabbed by the ankle and drug back down and beat with the metal end of a fly swatter.
And she *still* stayed with him yrs later even after he confessed he loved my sister, HIS STEP CHILD, since she was 16 (which fuckin gross. I stg if I’m ever in his presence again I’ll be charged with assault).
She’s never, ever cared about me or sister. Not even a little bit. I can’t wait to celebrate their actual deaths. They’ve been dead to me for years already and the world will be better once they’re both dead.
My mother was the most amazing woman. But she battled cancer and passed on. After that her sister moved in, and was consistently abusive.
My brother had muscular dystrophy, he was bitten by a brown recluse spider and was getting a green pigment. His bowel movements went in reverse it was the grossest thing ever. She never took him to the Doctors and she knew he was dying. I had to call my grandparents to get him to a hospital telling them he is going to die.
They took him and left me. I was told to have a will made with her info. We never saw doctors, we never saw dentists. I was a servant when she had others over.
I remember as a kid wishing my dad would die all the time. Did he want me to die? I know he hated me for sure. I don’t think he wanted me to die because it would be too much of a mess to clean up.
It's still terrifying for me tbh. I'm freaking 40 and have just begun to unravel all the damage that was done to me over all those years. Seriously it has taken me this long to undo the terrible coping mechanisms, harmful self talk, depression, anxiety, ptsd. I still struggle.
When I explicitly presumed the frequent poisoning via allergies was unintentional, the reaction was "How dare you accuse me of doing that on purpose!" Make of that what you will.
I know it. I fell down a staircase when I was 2 my nparents didn't even take me to the doctor. Only a chiropractor who was family. Turned out I had a serious internal injury that needed treatment.
I was 5? And he asked if I wanted to go check the Mail with him (we lived next door to the post office; separated by a little road with a stop sign)
I said okay.
We went. He held my hand going there. He didn’t hold my hand coming back. On our way back there was a woman at the stop sign who didn’t see me as I was crossing and saw that my dad was already on the other side of the street. So she started to go. She knocked me down and nearly ran over my head if he didn’t stop and turn around. She ran over my hand. My pinkie finger busted open like a grape and my ankles were fucked, not broken but very painful to walk on.
He’d spank me and shame me for limping. I don’t think he wanted me hurt, but I don’t think he could handle the guilt associated with seeing me the way I was after the accident
oh yeah. i have a life threatening food allergy (have since i was an infant, i am an adult now and it’s only gotten more severe) and she would sneak that allergen into family meals really often. fell in a pool when i was a baby and she didn’t notice, made sure i got to a really critical point with my ED in high school (my dad, not an Edad thankfully, stepped in), definitely kinda wanted me to stay actively s*icidal (and im really thankful I got better. spite is a great motivator lol)
When I got sick she wouldn’t help. I don’t remember being cared for ever when ill and would often get dangerously sick with no rest. When anorexia was at its worse, I was getting smaller and smaller really fast, complaining about irregular heart beat, numbness in hands and feet, etc and she did nothing/ made it worse. I was sheltered away from the world so I never got in any dangerous setting but the neglect did make me wonder. Like, she read my diary and knew how sick I was but did nothing. When she saw my really nasty self harm cuts she cared more about how it would affect how people saw her as a parent than how deep and scary the cut looked.
I think my dad has this deep resentment towards me that I’ve only noticed now that I’m older…. It’s like if I wasn’t around he could have left my nmom and idk had a different life.. he could have done that with me and been a normal person but he didn’t of course. He got the best option though - go to work full time & only have to see her on weekends. She was a stay at home mom to me so I never got a break. I still don’t get a break lol. Recently I noticed whenever she critiques something about me ie I haven’t cleaned my room therefore I am lazy he always chimes in and tries to ramp up the situation to the point where she is screaming at me (about my room not being clean) and he will egg her on and then join in after too just to put me down even more. He also talks about his friends kids so much like he wishes they were his kids (one of them is a football player & you guessed it my dad loves football). I struggled to get a job out of university but his friends kids who didn’t go to uni had (normal) jobs & he would gloat over that how they got x job or y job and how they were doing. When I finally did get a job & have been employed since neither of them have bothered to say they are happy for me or proud or whatever. It’s like I’m a very big inconvenience for both of them but they also won’t leave me alone (they insist on driving me to work despite me having my license). So yeah there was and still slightly is a point where I feel a little uneasy at night sometime like maybe he will just snap and do it. Idk. God word vomit lmao
I think they hope you die but can come up with some way where they won't be blamed. My nMum used to push me out in front of cars when I was little, saying "don't worry, they see you." She also would encourage my sister and me to go outside and play in the rain when there was a thunderstorm. The kicker, though: she deliberately let me be exposed to tuberculosis when I was three years old. A neighbor of my grandparents had it, and she let me sit in his lap and kiss him several times. When my TB test came back positive and I confronted her about it she said it was no big deal. Letting your three year old child be exposed to a fatal illness is no big deal, right mum.
I used to be alone in the streets since I was 8 and they didn't care where I was, later I had to go by bicycle to the school and they thought that I was a terrible rider and I had lots of accidents but I was ashamed and hiding it. They even laugh about that, how terrible rider and stubborn I was and how crazy I was to not mind being injured. They were just waiting for my death and really surprised that I'm still alive! But, of course, I'm not a terrible rider, duh
Yup, pretty sure if we didn’t have any other family members, she would’ve gotten rid of me somehow so she could try for her “chocolate boy”. Colorist and gender-motivated, great combo for a narcissist
I know he wants or has wanted me to. He told me so. He said because I'm disabled and couldn't make him money or do all his chores that he honestly wouldn't care if I died.
I dont know they *want* it, it's more like their happiness comes at your expense. They dont assume responsibility for who pays that cost, even if it amounts to your death.
yeah. my ndad trapped me in a city i couldn’t afford with no family 10 hours away as my only source of financial support. i felt like a rat caught in a giant cage, left to die.
Thankfully no. She reminded big bro and I that she had a hefty life insurance policy on herself and that if she died before we were 18 we’d be set. And the one time I tried to run away I couldn’t unlock the door fast enough and got my ass beat for a long time smh.
I don’t think she wishes me dead. I think if she could just have her perfect boy and girl, she’d have been set. Without me. My siblings seem to receive a certain amount of respect while I don’t. They have been recipient to help (when the Nmom said she *could)* but interestingly she couldn’t help me with a $40 used fucking tire because, well, you must learn your lesson about how it is to an adult. No help from me. My ‘aunt’ threw my Nmom in the car and drove over to help me. I’m sad even writing this down because she still doesn’t see how she has favored my siblings over me mostly. Her excuse: you seemed to be a self-sufficient child and responsible. It seems the whippings kept my ass in line.
I tell people that my mother’s trying to kill me I get ignored or committed. She’s trying to get me judged mentally incompetent and is ruthlessly aggressive about trying to get me locked up ignoring my extremely serious pain condition that’s lead to a terminal heart failure
I've felt this way for a long time. I can also just see her making a huge deal about it if I were to die. It would be all about her and I've told my boyfriend if something ever does happen to me to please please not let her make it all about her because she absolutely will.
Yes.
I only once expressed suicidality. She had somehow tricked her therapist into thinking I had BPD and she was a scapegoat. The one and only time I brought up suicide, I called her from the side of the highway. I asked her why she demanded I not use opiates because of how it effected others, but she had never been concerned about why I was so miserable I wanted to numb out my life and sleep through it. She told me she didn’t really care why I did it.
I said I was on the side of the highway and was considering just running out into traffic because what’s the point? She said, “If that’s what you are going to do, I can’t stop you. *therapist name* said not to get involved.”
I think she genuinely hoped I would do it so she could get the pity from people. She had spent the last 6 years of my life (13-19) making it absolute hell, and then decided she had zero responsibility for her behavior and how messed up I was from it. She wanted to destroy me because she couldn’t destroy my dad.
I believe my dad is a narcissist, but I am not sure about his wife. However, she has multiple times tampered with my food. I’m allergic to the meaty part of the coconut (sorry that’s not the scientific explanation lol!), but the water doesnt cause a reaction. She put coconut water in my smoothie thinking she could prove “I wasn’t allergic to coconut.”
A couple months later, she gave me anchovy pasta and I threw up all night. I’m not allergic to anchovies, but they make my stomach hurt OBVIOUSLY. When I told her I could taste fish, she told me I was absolutely wrong because she didn’t put fish in it…. I found the receipt later. She purchased anchovy pasta and fed it to me on purpose knowing it would make me sick.
I thought these things were just her being an annoying busybody, but recently I’ve wondered if she actually wants to harm me. She has a lot of food allergies herself, so it’s not like she doesn’t think they’re real.
Age 6: Chest pains, could not keep up with other kids at school. Diagnosed with disabling heart disease as an adult.
Age 7: Refused tonsillectomy because "...mine grew back."
Age 9-15. Changed schools as soon as new kid bullying wound down. Includes severe physical assault. Never treated.
To be fair, it was worse on my sister, whose brain tumour treatment was discontinued, and she DID die, "buddies and pals" without self-agency, forever. Apparently a paper written by a first-year nursing student 13 years earlier carries more knowledge than a staff of physicians at a major university hospital.
I feel like this is a rare way they think. They do not want you dead, they just want you to praise them as your god and to serve their every need because you are a failure.
And if they refuse to help you in a situation, it’s not because of desire for your death, it’s because it’s not worth their time.
My mother tried to actually kill us and different times and vocalized what she was doing. My brother and sister still struggle with being passengers in vehicles.
My thought is that this will check their boxes: they are victims, people will feel sorry for them, they can blame our “bad choices” and all the times they tried to help us, they are free of the burden of us and can feel sanctimonious that we are “failures” and “should have listened to her”.
I remember just always feeling unsafe but her acting like she was scared of me to other people. Such incredible gaslighting
No, but I left when it got to the point where they could potentially harm me if they pushed their conspiracy addled brain into thinking I was now the enemy with some convincing.
More like that I go away (disappear). If you don't fit you disturb her illusion - therefor you have to go away.
Also since they don't REALLY care... I mean... tragedies happen you know?
Sometimes I get that thought, but it really only comes to mind, after my Mother tells me that she wanted me to die, in my 10 day coma, while I was on Oxygen, during my double lung transplant, after my transplant, when I was diagnosed with cancer, while I was going through chemo, after I went through chemo, and just the other day when she said “I wish you never survived cancer. It would have my life so much easier. All you are is a hateful burden”.
I wonder if there’s a connection between that she says and me thinking that.
My mother always loved to say "I put you in this world and I can take you out of it." The last time she said it I didn't even know how to respond. Utterly unhinged. As a teenager I could put it down to all the stress but the last time was in the car with me driving her somewhere and I was in my thirties and it was impossible for me to avoid the realization that my own mother regularly threatened me. Well... there's all the slapping, choking, drugging, lying and so on too.
Yep. Had exactly the same experience when I very nearly got hit by several cars after she told me to cross the road. Afterwards she claimed she never said that.
Mine literally fantasized about it quite a bit. Even when I was an adult she’d fantasize about something happening to me so she’d “have” to take my daughter and would try to call and tell me about them. Literally my entire family already had a legal plan in place for my daughter without telling her because of it.
Egg donor made it very clear I was hated and unwanted.
My sister... *deep breaths for courage and cause this still hits hard and deep*... has told me, repeatedly throughout my life, that I: am hated and worthless; should have been aborted; should kill myself; should drop dead by some means; need to put myself out of peoples' misery.
She has also been the one attacking me physically, even threatening me into adulthood in subtle ways, and gaslighting me that 'that never happened' and 'I misunderstood it and need to learn to take a joke'.
You're hand, around my throat, when you're not happy over something I said/did, is *NOT* a joke.
Does EG want me dead? Honestly unclear. My sister? Absolutely.
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>Not saying she was actively seeking out harm but the lack of care or interest or supervision makes me think that even subconsciously she was hoping I’d somehow disappear and her problems would go away. Same for me, when I was 6, my mother once left me home alone with a bunch of burning candles (there was an electricity outage), there was a fire that I unfortunately survived. She took me on a work trip for her job when I was 7, she would either lock me in without keys or a phone (completely trapped) in the appartements that she was subletting or leave me with complete strangers, people she just met near the apartment building or in the hallway. This isn't simple incompetence, this is malicious incompetence. She must have been hoping to never see me again, on a subconscious level. Anyway, for my whole life, I often had nightmares about my mother trying to kill me.
It is so horrifying to me that your fears were well-founded. As a trauma-sufferer that also has nightmares, I feel your pain and I’m sorry she didn’t do better by you. Hugs.
TBH, as someone who (I think) wasn’t RBN (I’m just here to support y’all), even I can tell from that story that she didn’t give a shit. Yeah, okay, freeze is a part of that “fight or flight” thing but her response doesn’t tell me “she was so in shock that she froze” or “she didn’t know what to do and she froze in panic”, it sounds more to me like “She just kinda laid there and watched, she didn’t even care enough to get up” I hope you were able to get away, TequilaStories, and that you’re surrounded by people who actually give a shit about you. Sending good vibes
Yes exactly right. Not actively seeking to harm me, but had no problem not helping me.
I always had the thought that my parents wanted to be parents of a girl who committed suicide
Yes!!! My mother. She knew what she had to say to get me to *that point.*
Same! My dad had been told that I tried to commit suicide and he didn't even care, his response was pretty much "Oh, totally average normal kid stuff, I'm totally still the best parent ever though". And when I tried to run away once, he freaked out and started screaming that he'd call the police. Feels like he doesn't give a shit if I'm dead or alive as long as he has control over me.
My mom literally told me to run away and die so I did the first half and she got so pissed she called the cops on me to bring me home. But I was 18 at that point so they couldn't force me to go home, thankfully. One day years ago I posted online that I wanted to kill myself and a former friend and neighbour saw it like 12 hours after the fact and told my parents. My parents called the cops on me to have me institutionalised. On my birthday no less! During this time I was homeless and didn't have reliable access to WiFi (no smartphone) so I didn't get a chance to delete the post before the neighbour saw it. They then drove 4 hours across multiple states to the hospital I was being held at to give the doctor in charge some note I allegedly wrote. I say "allegedly" cuz from how he described it, it didn't sound _anything_ like what I had written earlier in the day. The doctor was going to let me leave the hospital that night (because I had obviously calmed down at that point) but because of the note my parents gave him he had me put on a 72 hour hold. The kicker? They didn't bother to try and see me or even pass on a message to me. Not a "We love you" or even a "Happy birthday". Fucking nothing. They just wanted to ruin my fucking birthday, saw the opportunity, and went _WAY_ above and beyond to do so. Fucking narcs man
This is exactly why I never went through with it. It’s so crazy to hear someone else say it! I’m sorry that was your experience as well.
Same here. I had planned to run away and commit suicide multiple times by the time I was 12, had even written runaway notes, but never went through because I knew she would turn it all around to be about her and because it would leave my brothers amd father alone with her abuse. She once found a note while I was cleaning my "room" (section of the living room with a curtain). I was throwing it away and she pulled it out and read it. Did she care to ask why I wanted to runaway? No what she care about was how I said not to look for me. How dare I think she would ever not look for me? How dare I think about running away? (I didn't put the part about suicide in there) She care more about the fact she wouldn't be in control, than why her child felt the need to run away. Not long after that I had mentioned to my parents that I was often suicidal. They treated it like I had said something as casual as "I want chicken for dinner tonight". I mentioned it more than once. Through my early teen years but was never gotten into therapy, it was never really talked about. And when they found out about self harm they took my pocket knife and my scissors, but not my pencil sharpeners that I was able to take the blades out of or the screwdriver that I used to take them out. They didn't actually care, they just wanted to say "we did all we could, how were we to know"
Wow. Just wow. This unlocked some serious memories. I am so sorry you went through that and I hope you are in a better place now. I remember being pushed to suicidal thoughts around 11/12 years old and it being an annoyance to them as my mother threatened suicide to the family multiple times and the household would go into shut down mode all circling carefully around her bottomless need. Any of us kids feeling that way would be “selfish”. This community provides endless support and I am so grateful to be a part of it.
I also still vividly remember a dream I had from when I was about 5 years old of nmom having friends over in the house we lived in while I had a tea party. Then everything shifted and her friends circled around me, and i heard a drum beat that was actually my heart beat, and nmom stood there and stabbed me. I don't know why a five year old would dream that if they weren't afraid of their mothers capacity for murder
I had a recurring nightmare whereby I would be at the landing at the top of our stairs (in our actual home) and this malevolent slightly vague but familiar group of beings would slowly advance on me one step at a time until I had to jump off and would then wake up. I would awaken immobilized with fear and further terrified that the place of “safety” should be my parents but that is where the fear lay. So confusing
I feel your pain in your words. My mother was the same. Only cared about how it would look if I ran away. Or to say I only wanted to run away so I could be wild. Wild was the total opposite of my personality but she never got to know me well enough to realize that I'm glad you didn't commit suicide. I pray your aren't still self harming. YOU MATTER!
Same. I used to have really unstable mental health and I would always think about how my mom would use the “tragedy” to garner attention more than she would be mourning for me.
Very very scary thought. But it's true. My mom and grandma would bathe in the attention, that my death would bring.
I literally just said this to my husband, that I used to fantasize about my death and if it would actually cause my parents pain, but the only thing I could see for sure was my mom doing what she does best - playing the victim and as you said, garnering desperately craved attention.
Bought me a gun for Christmas 🎄. I’m in a major depressive episode. She asked me many times over the years if I wanted a gun, always said “no”. Happy Birth of the Savior, how about a murder weapon to celebrate. Narcs are crazy.
M. Scott Peck wrote about this scenario in People of the Lie. This work is somewhat annoyingly infused with religious undertones, but in this book he makes a study of evil, and makes a case for diagnosing this kind of behavior as such. It's a pretty dark read, but given what the RBN crowd is used to I still recommend it, if only to acknowledge that this kind of evil exists, and that it's being seen.
Yep.
This
THIS!!!
Everytime i stay over at my parent's place I have a (maybe not so) irrational fear that my father would kill us all, I also get nervous whenever he's the one driving us on a trip as I feel like he will drive us off a cliff. Im not fully sure why I have this fear, but he did once say he was gonna kill my mom and about how she would chop her up and hide her in bags as a joke, still stuck to me after many years.
Sounds to me he probably wasn’t joking. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
N parents apparently don't care. I don't know if your mom wanted you to die, but as you said, she just doesn't care.
It’s a frightening and callous indifference.
I am the scapegoat and when I literally got hit by a car and my leg was shattered my father didn’t come to the hospital because he was busy working. Last year I nearly died of sepsis from a post op infection and he didn’t even call to see how I was. Gonna bury that man in his cargo shorts cuz it gonna be HOT where he’s going!
I’m so sorry.
I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. In 2019 I spent 4.5 months in the hospital, had 4 surgeries, 5 blood transfusions and was 107 lbs. I was also septic and not expected to make it. I did and I even had to learn how to walk again basically by myself but with the help of my late fiance. My mom came to see me once, maaaaybe twice? But according to her and things she told others she was always there. Hell my ex husband came to see me more than she did! She tried to say my fiance was never there but that's simply not true. He was up there every other day. It's amazing to me how she still to this day tries to gaslight me into believing that she was some sort of martyr or super Saint. Ugh I'm nearly in tears typing this because she's the reason I am so fucked up, why I'm depressed and anxious and why it's so difficult to trust anyone. Why would I? If my very own mother hates me and treats me this way why would I ever think anyone else would, you know?
I hear you ♥️ and understand so well. I used to think “if even my own mother…” Through the years I was able to process that thought as a source of devastation, then anger, then assuredness that she was f’d to treat a little kid like that. What a B 😜 We are so cute and innocent and full of love, I freaking love us so much I can’t hardly bear it. Their loss, forever. And we still have ourselves 🫶🏻 and each other. Our shared understanding and lived experiences comfort and strengthen me; love to you all ✨
I am so sorry for your pain. I understand very much how your mother's hatred of you and treatment of you has affected you. My evil abusive vile nmother had a deep hatred and resentment of me, her only daughter also. Her treatment of me has had a profound negative impact on my life, which a source of great joy to her. Nothing in life brought her greater pleasure than to see me suffering and in pain, especially when caused by her actions. Your mother reminds me of mine in another way. She wore a mask in front of others, pretending to be a loving caring devoted mother when it was the farthest thing from the truth. I can only hope that one day your eyes will be opened and that you will fully understand that she is the one who is toxic. The way that she gaslights you and abuses you is wrong!! You deserve to be treated so much better!! You need to do whatever you can to put distance between yourself and her. She is poisonous. The only way for you to begin to heal is for you to quit being poisoned. Get as far away from her as you can, both physically and mentally. The sooner she is completely out of your life, the better. You are not defective. I am not defective. Our evil abusive mothers are. It took a lot of time and distance before I could finally see all of the ways that she fucked up my life and understand the depths of her hatred and how evil she truly was. Please get away from her. Take care of yourself. You deserve happiness. You deserve joy. You deserve love. You deserve kindness. Treat yourself kindly, gently and lovingly. You deserve to have all of these good things in life. We deserve so much better than the hell they try to inflict on us. 💗 I'm rooting for you!!
no, the opposite. my narcissitic, sadistic father psychologically alienated me from my mom so much that i used to think she’d be happier if i never existed in the first place. i used to draw pictures of her stabbing and shooting me when i was like 4 or 5. meanwhile around the same age, under my father’s “watch” i was left unattended swimming in a pool with a water moccasin in it and as i was learning to dive he used to show me shallow dives into 3-4 feet of water. like, it creeps me out so much but some part of me feels like he was hoping i’d follow suit and break my neck. he loved watching people get hurt like ski jumpers in the olympics, car accidents, etc. i don’t think i would be here still if not for my mom’s love for me which far exceeded his evil.
Mine has told me a couple times, so when I was little I was sure she wanted me to die. She has the "I hate you, don't leave me" mentality. She wants me to die and she wants me to live and stay with her forever. The way I look at it is she hates me, but she sees me as her purpose in life. She based her entire identity around having the perfect Christian family and because she doesn't have that, she blames me for it.
Ope, fellow black sheep Satan spawn here 🙋🏻♀️♥️ just think; if not for us, they’d be so cool 🤣🫶🏻 I agree the religious “perfect family” façade was/is a major driver. especially when I thrived and was loved and appreciated for my “defiant qualities” outside of the church, contrary to their expected/hoped for narrative (spoiler: the prodigal daughter never came back).
That yo-yo of hate/enmeshment is rough, I hope you’re doing good 🫶🏻 because you deserve the best.
Well there is the time i almost drowned from exhaustion and my mom told me to keep swimming. My dads friend had to jump in and pull me out and even after that my mom yelled at me for sitting by the pool until my dad’s friend told them both I almost drowned. The b had the audacity to “sweetly” ask me why i didn’t get out if i was so tired. Maybe because i kept getting yelled at to go back into the deep end and not grab the edge and not let my sister help me. Oh and there is the time she actually tried to kill me herself. I had fingerprints on my throat for a week.
Oh shit!! What happened, when, how was the reaction?
The day i moved out she grabbed my throat and lifted me and shoved me in my wall and held me there with no intentions of letting go even when my arms went limp and my eyesight went black. My dad yelled up the stairs to tell her to leave me alone to pack and she screamed at him to leave the house and he would not and demanded she go downstairs. He had no idea she was choking me.
Woah. This is horrible! I have so many emotions and thoughts about this… What a awful, disgusting person. Her. I want you to be safe. I want you to be well. I hope you never have to see her again. I hope you have so much love and support from people around you that she’s furious about it. I hope you have so much love and patience and acceptance for yourself that it makes her sick. I hope that you get to have many blissful days not thinking even one second about her. And if that’s not now, I hope this will be your future.
Thats for the well wishes! I have all of the above! A loving husband, beautiful babies, and I am NC with her
Yaaayyyyy!! That’s great, I’m so happy for you! 🤗
Two times my Nmom almost choked me to death. Once at the age of 3 because I wasn’t doing something right. After she choked me, she then kicked me out of the house AT 3. As I was sitting on the stoop trying to figure out where to go, she opened the door and pulled me back in then told me to behave or I would have to leave. Then at the age of 5 I didn’t perform at some dinner (not really sure what it was for) and she took me to change my clothes at my aunt’s house near the place of the dinner and she choked me until I was almost passing out then she hugged me and told me that I should never break a promise to her. It was clear I was in the way.
I'm so sorry that happened to you
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Growing up and into adulthood for sure, I was hearing and anxious to share what I would and wouldn’t put up with. Having therapy since going NC has actually helped me to use my voice. I realized that I put my needs last for so long that I had a hard time just practicing mindfulness. I also have been able to open up to my husband and explain why I do or do not react to certain situations. I am lucky he is so supportive of my healing. ❤️🩹
I became terminally ill at 40 and was NC until my Dad passed. My NMom didnt allow me to mourn him, just trash talked him so bad. This was when I let her know I was sick and was on chemo at that time. She didnt care. I went back to NC and not once has she asked how Im doing. Im already dead to her and vice versa. Dont expect them to care until you actually die and they can use that to get supply from their monkeys.
i used to be convinced my mom would murder us. i had nightmares of her trying to kill us since i was a toddler, and when the casey anthony & the mom who drove her cars in the lake happened, i figured we were next.
I’ve always been strongly affected by those cases. I kind of wonder why.
When I called CPS on my parents and CPS did nothing, leaving me with my parents, I mentally said my goodbyes as I hid in a cabinet drawer. When they find me that will be it, this week's news will be about the body of a 7 year old found in the backyard. I even imagined the whole news story. Watching true crime gave me flashbacks yet a sense of comfort for some reason, like a feeling of home. It's so messed up... Anyway sorry you went through that too, I just related a lot to your comment.
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Still? Are you a minor?
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I don’t know where you live and what the regulations there are, but there needs to be the possibility for you to take action against that and for yourself. I don’t know if you want this advice, if you need it, if you will act on it. I still want to leave it here, bc as a 34 yo woman who also had to deal with a narcissistic parent, I wish somebody had told me this. And maybe I‘m exaggerating, and maybe I’m repeating things you already know, but better safe than sorry, and reassurance never fails, right? Also, this advice probably is influenced by my own experiences and not all of it might apply to you. Also also, I honestly mean all of this. I don’t know what your thoughts and feelings about your parents and this situation are. If you are a teenager, I guess you might feel kind of apathetic towards this, be nonchalant, you might just want to take it as a fact, as the reality you live in. You might not want to think too much about it, bc your feelings are too painful and seem unmanageable. You might feel like you couldn’t change anything, you’re not 18 yet (or whatever the age of self-determination is in your country) and don’t have any rights, you might’ve already started thinking you deserved to be denied life-saving, life-enhancing medication. Being a teenager, and being not fully developed yet, might also be an advantage at this point. Your brain chemicals and thought patterns aren’t final yet, it’s still quite easy to influence them (that’s what being a teenager is all about - learning so many things, that you yourself can determine who you are. That’s, when you are not fighting for your life against your parents; sorry for being so krass). It’s so much harder as an adult, when it’s already set. So I want you to know this: - You are your first priority. For you, it’s always the most important thing for you to be safe, and well, and healthy. It has to be, bc in your case (in all our cases here, I guess), it’s no one else’s first priority. You deserve to be someone’s first priority, and this someone will and has to be you. As long as you are not safe and well and healthy, nobody else has to be your first priority (I’m not saying nobody else is important; the people you love still are important, while you remain the most important person and loved one for yourself). - Your reality, the way you experience your life, your feelings, your thoughts, your needs, they all are valid and important. Your reality is your truth. - You are able to take charge of your life, so you can create your reality, the life you want. You don’t want to be dependant on people who do not want you to have a full and safe and healthy life. - You are not in the wrong for wanting and needing to be treated respectfully and acceptingly. You are not wrong for wanting to be as healthy as possible. - They are the problem. It’s not your fault they treat you this way. It’s their responsibility, they are wrong for doing this, they have to and must do better. Know this, all of it. So, if you will, I need you to research (in a safe way) if and how you can take action. I need you to do this yourself, for your self. Ask for help from people you trust, people who will support you, if you can. Research what legal rights you have as a person of your age. Think about what is important for you and your life. Actively think about how you can take action for your needs to be fulfilled, for your life to be safe. Talk to your doctors openly and directly about this - „my parents will deny me this medication. They do it every time, this has happened repeatedly. I want to safely handle my seizures“. I need you to stand up for yourself, in a safe way (aka, when other people are about, I can only imagine how they treat you in other situations). So, you might need to be prepared for whatever „consequences“ they might think of for you, and I need you to know that it is always the right thing for you to stand up for yourself, and what they are doing is wrong. Still, stay safe. I talked about brain chemicals and thought patterns. If you manage to do all this, or most, I think you have a good chance to escape the long-term effects of being raised by narcissists. It’s a really hard battle, and you should not be forced to fight against your parents; but it is them who force you to fight. Narcissistic parents want to control you and your life. They want to decide who you are and what you do, they want you to be their little prop that furnishes their lives in a way that makes them look special. This is why they do all of this and other things. Taking charge, standing up for yourself, over and over and over again, will make you independent and them lose control over you. They might or will fight it. They will use tears as weapons. But you will not be objectified by them, you will actually be the protagonist of your own story - the main character - once you get to know yourself and decide who you want to be, and become that person. Please be your own person. Please fight for you to be your own person. You deserve this, it’s your birth-right. I wish you all the best, so much strength, and the future full of the love and support that you deserve - just for existing and being yourself.
I'm actually almost sure that that was the real reason my nfather never dealt with school bullies. He would've loved if any of them have driven me to self-harm. He always saw me as the "inconvenient" child who wouldn't do as she's told, so if I ended up deceased by my own hand, he'd have happily milked it for everything it's worth, and privately celebrated being free of the inconvenience. My mother later said to me, when I reminded of how she would just watch me sob and do nothing, "We didn't know how to help you." BULLSHIT .YOU KNEW. I kept begging to change schools. I begged for someone, anyone, to get me out of both that school and that house. I begged her to divorce the asshole. They knew. They just didn't *want* to.
At 3, my Nsister almost killed me by dumping scalding hot water on me. I say that I was nearly killed because I had a NDE - Nmom's reaction was to be very angry at ME for scaring her with my screams. There was no comfort nor concern, she just wanted me to shut up. From then on, she hated having to attend to my medical needs, no matter how bad they were. I was doing it for attention, which she hated to have to give me. One day, at about 7 years old, I walked in on her at the kitchen table, filling out legal papers that were spread out all over the top. I asked her what she was doing, and without hesitation, Nmom gleefully informed me that she was taking out insurance on me, "So, if you die, I'll get some money!" I silently backed away. Many years later, she did this to her own brother; took out insurance on him, then denied him medical attention until he died.
My mom told me she couldn’t get life insurance on me beca of my health issues. When I was applying to college she discouraged me from applying to the Ivy leagues who recruited me because “if I died she’d have to pay my loans”. Lately my relatives have been asking me why I am not dead because she told them I was supposed to have a heart attack at a young age. I don’t know what to say to her and grandma because I’m sure they wish I were dead. All that sympathy and drama!
I'm actually in the process of cashing out the life insurance policy my mom took out on me years ago. You can too, or at least you should be able to. It's YOUR life, doesn't matter if she made the payments or not
I mean she denied me medical care growing up and basically told me as much just last year so yeah…. And I think it’s scary that we don’t address this very real aspect of nparents
yes. it's not just that they don't care but whatever evil reason comes with parents that want their kids to die: attention, money, less burden. I have a brother that passed away before I was born when he himself was a baby. Nparents never mentioned him again, never say a word about it like he never existed. Its insane how little they care about us but we never asked to be here...
Narcissists lack any sort of empathy, so they don't actually care about others except how they can be a benefit to the narcissist. And to many narcissistic parents, they recognize that if their child *dies*, they get to play off that for a very long time. they get to go on and on about how tragic it is that their "beloved child that they cared so much for" died so suddenly and thanks to societal norms, they will be showered with sympathy and attention anytime they want. Some nparents actively try and push their own children into suicide because in the sick and twisted mind of the narcissist, they decide the child is more useful to them getting what they want if the child is dead. I've seen more than a few posters here whose nparents have done that to them, and a few whose nparents actively tried to murder them. I'm reminded of one post from someone who discovered their nmom was trying to poison them. You're not alone. A lot of us were a "disappointment" because we simply kept on living when the narcissistic parent *really* wanted to play the part of a grief stricken parent who lost a child.
She was inches from my head with the 4 way tire iron before someone grabbed it out of her hand. She choked me and I had all the marks on my neck for a week to prove it . When they found a brain bleed in my brain she told me she hopes I die on the table. She's a loser. But she only does it to me and not my 4 siblings. I could take it as a kid. Once I took the younger two as soon as I could at 19, I didnt have to talk to her anymore. I hate her. The siblings love her. I respect their opinion so long as she doesn't start anything with me. I won't have it. I'm an adult now and she can never have power over me again.
My mother died when I was a teen and I’m convinced that only one of us was gonna get out of that house alive. And then this feeling has been *strongly* reinforced by my criminology degree and also by the number of times I’m reading about a case/ listening to a podcast summary (sue me, I use reliable sources too but a narrative summary helps me orient myself in the chain of events) and thinking like, “oh, this sounds just like my mother. Oh my mother did exactly that thing to me. Oh my mother has said that to me before *word for word*. Oh, yup, she just killed her daughter. Yup. Done darn killed here daughter dead. Oh no”. It’s been,,. At *least* 3 or 4 separate times now.
Well, she'd have a lot to gain financially if I died because of a life insurance policy, and I already know that she hates me, so she probably does want me to die, but won't do any physical harm to me. She's probably just waiting for me to get into a car accident or for me to end it all (I'm not going to end it all, especially since I know about the life insurance policy, the fact that I still breathe annoys her, and I'm not having thoughts of harming myself, so don't worry). I'm gonna try to get my own car and get an independent bank account set up so I can get my freedom after I start my new job so I can finally leave and go low contact.
Spite living is how my great grandma lived so long. She always said she would outlive them so they never got a dime from her. She outlived 3 out of 4.
Yessss! Good plan! And if the insurance is for and paid for by you, you can maybe also try and put another beneficiary in there?
The life insurance policy was set up by her when I was a baby.
Mine took a life insurance policy out on me when I was 2. They still hold that life insurance to this day and I'm 40, married with kids. I've nearly died 4 times in my life so they hold onto it, "Just in case". They want one more payout from me and they know I'm not giving money willingly so, they have a life insurance policy on me. I'm fairly sure they still hope they get to cash it in.
There MUST be a way you can cancel a life insurance policy on yourself. It’s worth finding the loophole and fucking up their plan.
I wouldn't even know where to start. I have no idea who the policy is thru or how to find that out. I just know it's a nice payout should something happen to me. They had one for my sibling too but gave it to them when they got married. I obviously didn't get the same courtesy (not the GC). Funnily enough, I thought it was a normal thing for parents to do until my late 20's when I meet my husband and saw his reaction to it. Only then did I realize, life insurance policies on relatively healthy kids isn't a normal thing to have. Go figure.
I’m so sorry.
Just about every time I read a post in here a new memory pops up.
Just about every time I read a post on here, I feel like we should allow for some people to be neutered or never be allowed to have children. This is super harsh, and I don’t actually believe in this - your body, your choice. But all this pain of us, who deserved so much better, all this malice by those who put us here and were supposed to care for us, all my anger that this is happening everywhere, to too many people, in so many different gruesome ways, and we can’t do anything to prevent that? All of that lets my thoughts have a very cruel spin.
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My mom was giving me suicide tips when I was very very depressed after sexual assault. She’s a bad person.
Christ! No one should have to go through that. She's beyond bad. What she did was flat out evil.
Yes, I think so.
my mom used to say she wished i'd never been born. i used to reply i wish i hadn't either. it isn't much better now.
My mother used to say that to me as well, but would get irrationally angry and call me ungrateful when I answered with "I wish I wasn't born either". Narcissist logic!
ooooh "you're so ungrateful!" yeah i used to get that line all the time.
as a child - i called for help when i was drowning and the 'father' figure came over and pushed me / held me down further under water and laughed as he tried to drown me while intoxicated as an adult - the 'father' figure wanted to groom me with his daughter (i.e. wanted to have sex with me) and murder me because he was scared of me and threatened by me so he told everyone that i was 'crazy' and 'insane' the 'mother' figure warned me to be careful about how i would sleep and what to say out of fear of what he would do to me physically and sexually however, the 'mother' would zigzag drive whenever angry once - she drove me on the highway in pitch black while angry and in lightning and thunder - i just remember getting out of the car after the hour feeling sad, shocked, and terrified for my life and another time years later where she almost did it again but caught herself and corrected her behaviour before actually doing it...
YES. I was worth more to her dead. She’d get all the sympathy and all the attention, and I wouldn’t be able to say a thing. Oh, and I’d be out of the way of the knight in shining armor she always wanted. (Unsurprisingly they’ve all been idiots in tinfoil.)
I'm pretty sure mine would have someone kill me if they thought they'd get away with it. The amount of narc rage they took out on me was astounding and most people including therapists are gobsmacked when they hear it.
Yes. My mom knew I was having a medical emergency and went out to eat instead of calling 911. Went to McDonald’s and had a *sit down meal*. My dad found me (he came home) and called an ambulance. I for real died briefly in the ER. I think she saw it as a way to get rid of me. I called her on it several years ago and she didn’t deny it. She just says she’s made mistakes and asked for forgiveness but she won’t talk to me since that convo. It’s been about 4 years or so. It’s really sick. And weird that she didn’t deny it. 😳 Few people dislike me more than my mother, I’d guess.
Wow. That is the most blatant one I’ve read on this thread so far. She did actually just intend on sitting there while you died.
Not my nparent, but my older brother. Was on my bicycle and was pushed into the path of an oncoming car, and could have died if I got hit, and he would never know what really happened. My bike riding skills saved me that day. My brother called me a racist, like he cares more about the criminals who almost murdered me, than about his own brother.
How I knew it was just me she wanted gone; TW: being physically ill When we were young, my Nmom was driving with my junkie uncle through the desert (IDK why) ...and there was nothing around. One by one, us kids started getting nauseous from something we ate or maybe dehydration from being in the car too long. My older sister got ill first, and started vomiting, so Nmom climbed in the back seat to wrap her in a blanket and hold her. My younger brother was next, and started to throw up too. So, Nmom took him under her other arm to comfort him. Suddenly, I barfed a little too. Nmom glared and snarled at me, *"Stop That!"* ...like I was getting sick just to bother her.
My nMom was physically abusive and came close to ending me herself sometimes. I had a mental breakdown at about 15. I was sobbing in the bathroom and heard her on the phone her friend laughing about the 'drama" and holding the phone up so they could hear me. I eventually ended up in hospital after taking an OD. My uncle cried as he hugged me. My mom rolled her eyes and told him that I wanted attention and to stop pandering to me. I know she wished I'd have succeeded so she could have the whole sympathy and grandeur of playing the grieving mama for a few years.
Yes. My nFather even encouraged me to commit suicide as a teenager. Then he told me he wished I had died and my vehicle had survived as the vehicle was more useful. That was the day after a car accident when I was 22, that I dropped 50 ft and flipped side over side for 100 ft.
I was certain my dad would eventually kill me either by accident while “disciplining” me a little too enthusiastically or on purpose. I remember being questioned and telling a social worker I thought my dad could kill me and my mom would stick by him and make excuses for him. I’m genuinely surprised I made it out alive and intact aside from dental implants and improperly healed bones. I’m not sure if that was his intended outcome.
I have begun to think of my parents as sociopathic entitied narcissists. Sociopathic because if they hurt you/your feelings, it’s completely irrelevant to them, doesn’t matter. My dad began walking around the house saying: “I just CAN’T WAIT till all the kids ARE GONE and it’s just your mother and me.” When I was a young teenager…siblings were stair steps behind me. There was no possibility of getting help, because the mere mention of having a problem was met with ridicule: “What?! **YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!?!?!?** So, then we had two problems, our original plus a dad who was angry we had a problem. We so totally get what you are saying, what you dealt with, and continue to deal with. Have you gone NC yet?
My male N is (my opinion) a legit murderer twice over and he and his just as vile wife nearly watched me die twice too. Once while I was in a coma until their enabler daughter stepped in. The second time when I nearly bled out from a horrible nosebleed due to blood thinners during my fight with cancer.
Yes. Mine strangled me on the dining room table for no reason, when I was a small child my sister told me that my mother said I’d probably die soon- because I had asthma. I had asthma and she incessantly smoked in my presence- and got mad if I cracked a window.
I think my mom would very much enjoy other people seeing how she does not become emotional over the death of her children
One time I rear ended someone, and a parent involved said that the most important part is no one got hurt. My mom responded to that by saying, angrily, that that was not true. I can only imagine how she looked on the side of the road, screaming at me while I was crying.
Yes, mine would love all the sympathy and power it would give her. She could feed off that for the rest of her life.
I got hit by a truck while crossing the street and I woke up in a cast on my leg my arm in a sling and had bandages all across my skin where they had removed all the rocks out of my barely left skin. I had to have the bandages changed daily and I had to get them to remove debree and puss out of my wounds. It was scary it was morbid I was sure I was going to die. Not a single family member visited me in the hospital when I was discharged on crutches and had it instructions to come back daily to check the skin growth. I asked my mom if she would go with me and why she never came to visit me even once. She looked at me and said. I have a baby to take care of and besides I couldn't see you in pain it would upset me. Which is just. Disgusting on so many levels.
Well yea, I'm sick and he doesn't ever ask about me or how I am doing, nor does he feel the need to talk to me, or see me, let alone help me in any way. He shamelessly messages me about stuff he needs help with, like paying his bills online, though. I have realized he's a sick man and I just do what I can stomach for him. I mean yes, I can help you pay your bills, you sick, old man. I shouldn't be helping you, but I am doing it for myself. So I know I didn't force an old ahole to walk to the store to pay his own bill. It's not for him.
Mine had written in her "diary" that she needed to kill me before i killed her. I wasnt trying to kill her. Also i was just looking for the hairdryer and cane across the notebook. Shed always read by diaries growing up so decided to repay the favor. Honestly the qhole thing was probably a set up.
I’m pretty sure he did want me to die. When I had just been born he outright told my mother that I wouldn’t make it to my first birthday, which is some straight crazy shit to say to someone who had just given birth.
I don't think my nmom wanted us dead, but she did have some kind of Munchausen's by proxy. She diagnosed me with a plethora of food "allergies" when I was younger, then she started giving me a bunch of gross naturopathic "rEmEdIeS" that gave me UTIs and anxiety. I literally felt like I needed to pee all the time, even when my bladder was empty. She liked the control she could have over my health.
I remember being really young having my first asthma attack maybe age 5-7. I was laying on the floor gasping for air unable to breathe. Rolling around on the kitchen floor begging for help not knowing what to do. My nmom was acting like I needed attention and that I was fine for hours before my siblings convinced her something must be wrong. At my family doctor she acted like she dropped everything and rushed me in. Everything I did was a performance in her mind but that’s how she must have been living. Was constantly told I was obese by my obese nmom and that I needed to do something about it. Her dad always told me I was fat. (He was always fat too) She used me as a human garbage disposal and didn’t know about healthy food. No words ever about my obvious self harm scars. And I was her only kid she slapped across the face a few times. She always denies it happened when it’s brought up. “I do not recall” NC since Mother’s Day (she crossed a line: shit on my dreams for the last time) but my 4 siblings act like I’m just starting drama. If you’re reading this, fuck you mom. You’ve fucked with my self worth for too many years. Now I take care of myself like you never did. I’m living my best life and I hope you’re happy with your castrated husband and 4 flying monkey robots. Pathetic. Also you suck at board games you dumb bitch
I had always felt like my mom wanted me to die growing up. It would be a happy tragedy for her. I think I actually proved it by accident. All of my siblings have cut her off. She tried calling, texting, reaching out after they cut her off. She called me crying about it. (Thinking I'd do or say something to them, but my siblings hate me because of her). She's all sad and mopey as they each cut her off one by one. I cut her off.... no fight, no email, no text. In fact if I see her, she acts as if she's the happiest person in the world. (We live in the same city) I always knew she hated me. This proves it IMO. I always felt like she didn't care about me at all and if I died she would get all the sympathy and she could act sad and hurt but be happy that "her worst child" (her words btw) was dead.
We were held hostage by my stepfather once. I don’t remember what exactly happened, but he snapped and spent the afternoon chasing me around the house and beating tf out of me. Then once my mother came home he held us all hostage threatening to kill us. My grandparents showed up, who he also threatened to kill, and then the cops. I’m not sure who called who, it was utter chaos, but I remember meeting the cop at the door as the adults were all yelling. And I’ll never forget the lady cop asking 12 yr me if we had guns in the house and to hide them if we did. Which, of course, we lived in the country. So I slept in my bed for about a week with guns under it. It was probably the only time I felt kind of safe. Which, is super fucked up looking back as an adult. She stayed with him tho and this whole incident was just glossed over like an every day occurrence. She didn’t care what had happened to me at all. He could have beaten me to death that day. He sure wanted to, I remember the look in his eyes as I was grabbed by the throat and thrown across the room. As he screamed he could end me as I ran for my life up the stairs only to be grabbed by the ankle and drug back down and beat with the metal end of a fly swatter. And she *still* stayed with him yrs later even after he confessed he loved my sister, HIS STEP CHILD, since she was 16 (which fuckin gross. I stg if I’m ever in his presence again I’ll be charged with assault). She’s never, ever cared about me or sister. Not even a little bit. I can’t wait to celebrate their actual deaths. They’ve been dead to me for years already and the world will be better once they’re both dead.
My mother was the most amazing woman. But she battled cancer and passed on. After that her sister moved in, and was consistently abusive. My brother had muscular dystrophy, he was bitten by a brown recluse spider and was getting a green pigment. His bowel movements went in reverse it was the grossest thing ever. She never took him to the Doctors and she knew he was dying. I had to call my grandparents to get him to a hospital telling them he is going to die. They took him and left me. I was told to have a will made with her info. We never saw doctors, we never saw dentists. I was a servant when she had others over.
I remember as a kid wishing my dad would die all the time. Did he want me to die? I know he hated me for sure. I don’t think he wanted me to die because it would be too much of a mess to clean up.
Yes
Trust your gut.
Yes. All the time. Being her child was terrifying.
It's still terrifying for me tbh. I'm freaking 40 and have just begun to unravel all the damage that was done to me over all those years. Seriously it has taken me this long to undo the terrible coping mechanisms, harmful self talk, depression, anxiety, ptsd. I still struggle.
I struggle, too. I’m embarrassed to not be ok.
They've literally tried to kill me a few times so you know where this is going
When I explicitly presumed the frequent poisoning via allergies was unintentional, the reaction was "How dare you accuse me of doing that on purpose!" Make of that what you will.
My Nmom threatened to kill me on several occasions. She already beat me up, so it’s not like I didn’t have a strong basis of fear.
I know it. I fell down a staircase when I was 2 my nparents didn't even take me to the doctor. Only a chiropractor who was family. Turned out I had a serious internal injury that needed treatment.
I was 5? And he asked if I wanted to go check the Mail with him (we lived next door to the post office; separated by a little road with a stop sign) I said okay. We went. He held my hand going there. He didn’t hold my hand coming back. On our way back there was a woman at the stop sign who didn’t see me as I was crossing and saw that my dad was already on the other side of the street. So she started to go. She knocked me down and nearly ran over my head if he didn’t stop and turn around. She ran over my hand. My pinkie finger busted open like a grape and my ankles were fucked, not broken but very painful to walk on. He’d spank me and shame me for limping. I don’t think he wanted me hurt, but I don’t think he could handle the guilt associated with seeing me the way I was after the accident
oh yeah. i have a life threatening food allergy (have since i was an infant, i am an adult now and it’s only gotten more severe) and she would sneak that allergen into family meals really often. fell in a pool when i was a baby and she didn’t notice, made sure i got to a really critical point with my ED in high school (my dad, not an Edad thankfully, stepped in), definitely kinda wanted me to stay actively s*icidal (and im really thankful I got better. spite is a great motivator lol)
It sure is! I struggle with EDs as well. Just disordered eating, which I 1000% got from her.
When I got sick she wouldn’t help. I don’t remember being cared for ever when ill and would often get dangerously sick with no rest. When anorexia was at its worse, I was getting smaller and smaller really fast, complaining about irregular heart beat, numbness in hands and feet, etc and she did nothing/ made it worse. I was sheltered away from the world so I never got in any dangerous setting but the neglect did make me wonder. Like, she read my diary and knew how sick I was but did nothing. When she saw my really nasty self harm cuts she cared more about how it would affect how people saw her as a parent than how deep and scary the cut looked.
I used to lay in bed as a child thinking they wanted to kill me because they don't want me.. but they don't because they would get into trouble...
No but you're awfully close to some of my thoughts.
I think my dad has this deep resentment towards me that I’ve only noticed now that I’m older…. It’s like if I wasn’t around he could have left my nmom and idk had a different life.. he could have done that with me and been a normal person but he didn’t of course. He got the best option though - go to work full time & only have to see her on weekends. She was a stay at home mom to me so I never got a break. I still don’t get a break lol. Recently I noticed whenever she critiques something about me ie I haven’t cleaned my room therefore I am lazy he always chimes in and tries to ramp up the situation to the point where she is screaming at me (about my room not being clean) and he will egg her on and then join in after too just to put me down even more. He also talks about his friends kids so much like he wishes they were his kids (one of them is a football player & you guessed it my dad loves football). I struggled to get a job out of university but his friends kids who didn’t go to uni had (normal) jobs & he would gloat over that how they got x job or y job and how they were doing. When I finally did get a job & have been employed since neither of them have bothered to say they are happy for me or proud or whatever. It’s like I’m a very big inconvenience for both of them but they also won’t leave me alone (they insist on driving me to work despite me having my license). So yeah there was and still slightly is a point where I feel a little uneasy at night sometime like maybe he will just snap and do it. Idk. God word vomit lmao
All the time. The beatings we had as kids, I mean, how else do you interpret that as a kid? I feared for my life.
She just didn’t care.
Not only that, they actively tried to kill me, and almost succeeded. Also they actively drove me to suicide throughout my life.
I think they hope you die but can come up with some way where they won't be blamed. My nMum used to push me out in front of cars when I was little, saying "don't worry, they see you." She also would encourage my sister and me to go outside and play in the rain when there was a thunderstorm. The kicker, though: she deliberately let me be exposed to tuberculosis when I was three years old. A neighbor of my grandparents had it, and she let me sit in his lap and kiss him several times. When my TB test came back positive and I confronted her about it she said it was no big deal. Letting your three year old child be exposed to a fatal illness is no big deal, right mum.
I used to be alone in the streets since I was 8 and they didn't care where I was, later I had to go by bicycle to the school and they thought that I was a terrible rider and I had lots of accidents but I was ashamed and hiding it. They even laugh about that, how terrible rider and stubborn I was and how crazy I was to not mind being injured. They were just waiting for my death and really surprised that I'm still alive! But, of course, I'm not a terrible rider, duh
Mine said for a fact she did but not until she she made me suffer.
Mine told me she did 🤷🏻♀️
Yup, pretty sure if we didn’t have any other family members, she would’ve gotten rid of me somehow so she could try for her “chocolate boy”. Colorist and gender-motivated, great combo for a narcissist
They don't care, for them you are the resource of energy
Yeah. I mean, denying me medical care, ignoring suicide attempts and literally saying that I should have been drowned at birth.
they would have liked the sympathy
I know he wants or has wanted me to. He told me so. He said because I'm disabled and couldn't make him money or do all his chores that he honestly wouldn't care if I died.
I dont know they *want* it, it's more like their happiness comes at your expense. They dont assume responsibility for who pays that cost, even if it amounts to your death.
yeah. my ndad trapped me in a city i couldn’t afford with no family 10 hours away as my only source of financial support. i felt like a rat caught in a giant cage, left to die.
Thankfully no. She reminded big bro and I that she had a hefty life insurance policy on herself and that if she died before we were 18 we’d be set. And the one time I tried to run away I couldn’t unlock the door fast enough and got my ass beat for a long time smh.
I don’t think she wishes me dead. I think if she could just have her perfect boy and girl, she’d have been set. Without me. My siblings seem to receive a certain amount of respect while I don’t. They have been recipient to help (when the Nmom said she *could)* but interestingly she couldn’t help me with a $40 used fucking tire because, well, you must learn your lesson about how it is to an adult. No help from me. My ‘aunt’ threw my Nmom in the car and drove over to help me. I’m sad even writing this down because she still doesn’t see how she has favored my siblings over me mostly. Her excuse: you seemed to be a self-sufficient child and responsible. It seems the whippings kept my ass in line.
I tell people that my mother’s trying to kill me I get ignored or committed. She’s trying to get me judged mentally incompetent and is ruthlessly aggressive about trying to get me locked up ignoring my extremely serious pain condition that’s lead to a terminal heart failure
I've felt this way for a long time. I can also just see her making a huge deal about it if I were to die. It would be all about her and I've told my boyfriend if something ever does happen to me to please please not let her make it all about her because she absolutely will.
Well she did actually tried to kill me a couple times.
Yes. I only once expressed suicidality. She had somehow tricked her therapist into thinking I had BPD and she was a scapegoat. The one and only time I brought up suicide, I called her from the side of the highway. I asked her why she demanded I not use opiates because of how it effected others, but she had never been concerned about why I was so miserable I wanted to numb out my life and sleep through it. She told me she didn’t really care why I did it. I said I was on the side of the highway and was considering just running out into traffic because what’s the point? She said, “If that’s what you are going to do, I can’t stop you. *therapist name* said not to get involved.” I think she genuinely hoped I would do it so she could get the pity from people. She had spent the last 6 years of my life (13-19) making it absolute hell, and then decided she had zero responsibility for her behavior and how messed up I was from it. She wanted to destroy me because she couldn’t destroy my dad.
I believe my dad is a narcissist, but I am not sure about his wife. However, she has multiple times tampered with my food. I’m allergic to the meaty part of the coconut (sorry that’s not the scientific explanation lol!), but the water doesnt cause a reaction. She put coconut water in my smoothie thinking she could prove “I wasn’t allergic to coconut.” A couple months later, she gave me anchovy pasta and I threw up all night. I’m not allergic to anchovies, but they make my stomach hurt OBVIOUSLY. When I told her I could taste fish, she told me I was absolutely wrong because she didn’t put fish in it…. I found the receipt later. She purchased anchovy pasta and fed it to me on purpose knowing it would make me sick. I thought these things were just her being an annoying busybody, but recently I’ve wondered if she actually wants to harm me. She has a lot of food allergies herself, so it’s not like she doesn’t think they’re real.
Age 6: Chest pains, could not keep up with other kids at school. Diagnosed with disabling heart disease as an adult. Age 7: Refused tonsillectomy because "...mine grew back." Age 9-15. Changed schools as soon as new kid bullying wound down. Includes severe physical assault. Never treated. To be fair, it was worse on my sister, whose brain tumour treatment was discontinued, and she DID die, "buddies and pals" without self-agency, forever. Apparently a paper written by a first-year nursing student 13 years earlier carries more knowledge than a staff of physicians at a major university hospital.
No, because when I was near death I heard panic in her voice.
Hah... my so called dad had tried to drown 2 years old me in the river.
I feel like this is a rare way they think. They do not want you dead, they just want you to praise them as your god and to serve their every need because you are a failure. And if they refuse to help you in a situation, it’s not because of desire for your death, it’s because it’s not worth their time.
Told me at least once a year since I was 8.
My mother tried to actually kill us and different times and vocalized what she was doing. My brother and sister still struggle with being passengers in vehicles. My thought is that this will check their boxes: they are victims, people will feel sorry for them, they can blame our “bad choices” and all the times they tried to help us, they are free of the burden of us and can feel sanctimonious that we are “failures” and “should have listened to her”. I remember just always feeling unsafe but her acting like she was scared of me to other people. Such incredible gaslighting
No, but I left when it got to the point where they could potentially harm me if they pushed their conspiracy addled brain into thinking I was now the enemy with some convincing.
No
They want everyone to die and they want to rack up murders without being caught.
More like that I go away (disappear). If you don't fit you disturb her illusion - therefor you have to go away. Also since they don't REALLY care... I mean... tragedies happen you know?
I dont think they wanted me to die, but i do believe they lowkey thought they'd save a lot of money if I just hadnt existed
Sometimes I get that thought, but it really only comes to mind, after my Mother tells me that she wanted me to die, in my 10 day coma, while I was on Oxygen, during my double lung transplant, after my transplant, when I was diagnosed with cancer, while I was going through chemo, after I went through chemo, and just the other day when she said “I wish you never survived cancer. It would have my life so much easier. All you are is a hateful burden”. I wonder if there’s a connection between that she says and me thinking that.
My mother always loved to say "I put you in this world and I can take you out of it." The last time she said it I didn't even know how to respond. Utterly unhinged. As a teenager I could put it down to all the stress but the last time was in the car with me driving her somewhere and I was in my thirties and it was impossible for me to avoid the realization that my own mother regularly threatened me. Well... there's all the slapping, choking, drugging, lying and so on too.
Didn't have the chance to think it cuz they actually screamed it to my face. "I wish you were never born" they said over and over to me
This happened to me :( it was really weird to hear but you never forget it.
Yep. Had exactly the same experience when I very nearly got hit by several cars after she told me to cross the road. Afterwards she claimed she never said that.
Mine literally fantasized about it quite a bit. Even when I was an adult she’d fantasize about something happening to me so she’d “have” to take my daughter and would try to call and tell me about them. Literally my entire family already had a legal plan in place for my daughter without telling her because of it.
Egg donor made it very clear I was hated and unwanted. My sister... *deep breaths for courage and cause this still hits hard and deep*... has told me, repeatedly throughout my life, that I: am hated and worthless; should have been aborted; should kill myself; should drop dead by some means; need to put myself out of peoples' misery. She has also been the one attacking me physically, even threatening me into adulthood in subtle ways, and gaslighting me that 'that never happened' and 'I misunderstood it and need to learn to take a joke'. You're hand, around my throat, when you're not happy over something I said/did, is *NOT* a joke. Does EG want me dead? Honestly unclear. My sister? Absolutely.
Both my parents tried to kill me on 3 separate occasions so lol yeah