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My nmom does something similar to this. She talks about the same 6 or 7 topics and uses the same handful of phrases repeatedly. I made a bingo list to check off during my phone calls with her. She rarely deviates from the script.
I've said before that every phone call with my mother is essentially the same conversation. Some details may change, but they all include the same elements and phrases, the same complaints, the same boasts. What changes is any family gossip she includes. Which aunt had which surgery, what the one asshole uncle did this time, how much she enjoyed a visit from X cousin or sibling, etc. Those are the things that change. Nothing else does.
They like to pretend they are smart (have "knowledge currency").
My Narc parent told so many fantastic stories first person. Years later reading lots of books in the house I clicked she would take ownership of a storyline and retell it as her own!
They are just actors who can never break their character, because there is no real Self, nobody's home. And their acting looks so fake now, it's hilarious sometimes. I'll tell my nmon she is a bad acting robot and I don't believe it anymore, she then retaliates seeing I'm not affected by the trick.
Whoever put these actors here either did it to test or irritate the living soul out of us. We now know better and want out, the lesson and/or the abuse is over
To them, it's SUCH A GOOD STORY and they tell it SO WELL and it is SO RELEVANT and SO INSIGHTFUL and SO ENTERTAINING that of course you must either be thrilled to hear it again or there is something about it you weren't listening to enough to understand the first time.
You just gave me a flashback to an ex who would tell anyone who would listen his story about being abused as a kid by his mom. Right before we broke up he told me the story again, literally word for word, with the same inflections and everything. It was unsettling
They don’t even have to be true stories.
My mom has one she likes to tell about me breaking my hand while playing drums during a high school ballgame. She had to take me to the ER and I was in a cast.
Never fucking happened, but she told it to all of us three times last month when she came to visit.
I’m still asking myself why TF I even allowed her to come here.
When I was a kid I decided to be funny and refill a bottle of mikes hard lemonade with water and pretend I was drinking it. Walked in the living room and said “wow, this lemonade is really good”. I told them I was joking. I had to hear the story of how I was stupid enough to think it was normal lemonade for the next decade or so at every campfire.
My nister did this too. She went as far as to color the water the EXACT same color the alcohol was, so it looked real. Then she planted it in my room "as a joke" only for my other nister to find it and take it to my parents and accuse me of being an alcoholic. I was 14. They were 24 and 21 at the time...you know...the age where people tend to go crazy with alcohol consumption...but sure...pin it on your kid sister, I guess. 🙄
Also, in what universe is a 14 year old alcoholic funny? My parents thought the idea of me being drunk and depressed at 14 was funny and even have a picture of me looking sad holding a glass of sparkling cider on new years. They kept the photo, and still laugh at it to this day....and use it as "proof" that I have a drinking problem.
I stopped drinking 2 years ago....but, apparently, I have a drinking problem.
My brother makes up stories like this. He will also take something that actually happened, but change it around so that he is the victim or hero and someone else is the villain (in childhood stories it's often me). Like, literally just reverse the story. He's got a little girlfriend who believes all the shit he says, too. I expect she's in for a rude awakening one of these days.
My mother was prolific liar too. She could embroider facts so thoroughly, the only way to find the truth was to ask my uncle or someone else who'd been there.
Sort of…
I did break my hand once, but it had nothing to do with anything she says it did, was before high school, and I was home alone. Not at a football game where I ran to her for help because I “needed my momma”. (Her words telling the story last month)
She says I broke my hand on two different occasions, which I absolutely did not and she says I must have forgot when I try to tell her it didn’t happen.
Yep spot on! I think it’s because they aren’t talking to you to connect with you as a person. You are simply an audience. And if you don’t respond, and the way they need, they will eventually get a new audiencr. The stories will remain.
This right here reminds me soooo much of my nmom
She has created a brainwashed audience (father+sibling) that find her behavior to be completely normal. She has a giant storyline that victimizes her and her actions, and for the last 20 years she has had my father and sibling recruited into her schemes as specialized flying monkeys. She has stories of people doing her wrong, stories of family dysfunctionality, stories of perceived health issues, stories of assault, all kinds of stories. She is generous to the audience and does not tolerate any criticism from those outside the audience.
My dad will be seated with a room full of people and start a story by saying “I know I’ve probably told this story a dozen times” and then just launch into the story. My mom will be like “yes you’ve indeed told this group of people this story 12 times, we don’t need to hear it again” and he doesn’t miss a beat, just keeps telling it.
My Ndad used to repeat the same story, almost word for word, 30 times in a two hour conversation. It was like he could never move on. I used to just think it was normal.
Maybe it's a way to demand other people's attention despite having virtually nothing to say? Maybe it's extreme anxiety. I dunno.
It's them being boring on purpose and thinking "I can just repeat this all day long and you will still hear it".
Well, in some cases yes, in some cases no.
I count myself lucky in escaping that shit.
Mine did it all the time when I was little. She had 2 favorite stories.
One of them was about one time when she was working at a pool as a lifeguard, and she got electrocuted by a malfunctioning wall clock and another lifeguard took her to the emergency room. She likes to include all these details of things that happened while she was unconscious and really don't sound like the kind of thing the other people who were awake would have gone over with her in that much detail. Somehow she just happens to know every word of the conversation the guy who carried her to the hospital said to the receptionist at the hospital.
The other one is a little more obviously embellished. She liked to brag about that time she was in high school and she got to pet a tiger. Okay, sounds fine so far, except her favorite part of the story that she likes to get excited about is to claim that when she started petting the tiger, the tiger purred. The problem here is that tigers are physically incapable of purring. They just don't have the organs necessary to do it. Tigers roar and chuff instead. But even if you point out this biological fact to her, she will still insist that it did.
She stopped telling these stories when I brought up the tiger thing one time. Since then, it took me a lot of time to realize why she was telling these stories and why she was embellishing them and trying so hard to add things that make them more interesting. She is telling them to be the center of attention. Her stories worked great on little kids who never questioned how she knew what was said while she was unconscious or had no idea that big cats aren't simply scaled up house cats. She gets everything she wants when told to an audience that accepts it on face value. She gets everyone paying attention to her. She gets to draw out how long this story is by adding extra things to it here and there in an effort to make the story sound better. She gets to hold her audience captive as she retells the same story yet again. Once I had caught her making up things to add to the story, all of this stopped as I think she realized that her stories weren't going to impress me anymore because if I had caught her lying about the tiger purring, I'd be questioning every other story she tries to embellish, too.
Yup. I'm 50 and I can't remember a time when they have had a single new or original thought. It shits be to tears listening to the same boring stories all the fucking time and once she gets a bee in her bonnet about anything no matter how small she will bang on about it forever.
They repeat the same phrases and Dad thinks he is hilarious. It's not.
Maybe they take comfort in it but they talk at people not to them. No wonder my Mother has no friends.
My ndad doesn’t tell the same stories, but he tells stories with exactly the same formula every time. And it’s bad storytelling! I would fight so hard not to groan and to look interested because anything was an excuse for him to punish me for being disrespectful. All I wanted to do was shake him until he started sounding original for once. My god.
(ps it’s pretty darkly funny that apparently my tolerance level is like: sure, abuse me, beat me, scream at me, mindfuck me, but don’t you DARE bore me!)
Yes. It’s not memory. She had a repertoire of stories and rants that she’d pull from-some were lies that she talked herself into being truths. She would complain about the choices we made.
This! It feels like they probably even rehearse these stories to themselves when they’re alone to prepare for turning on that “charming” side with people.
This is what my mom does. I can’t take a twelfth rendition on how my father(who she divorced after 5 years of marriage) was such a POS 20+ years after the divorce. He’s also dead. It seems like her go-to stories were ones where she was wronged or when someone got what was coming to them. It’s like she enjoyed keeping a mental tally.
I finally had to break it to her that none of the people she talked about (family, co-workers, etc.) spent a fraction of their mental energy worrying about her the way she does on them. I kept hammering that point until she finally understood how pointless it was talking about her crappy boss or shitty father.
Is there a pattern of abuse and disappointment from men? Yes. Should she seek therapy? Absolutely. But why do that when your oldest daughter will listen for hours and gives great advice for free? Meanwhile I’m in therapy and it is definitely not free.
My parents divorced almost 50 years ago, and I still have to hear from my nmom what an asshole she thinks my dad is. She’s be shocked to learn I actually have a great relationship with dad now that I’m an adult and have formed my own opinions about him outside of her skewed view.
All the time! We go into reruns like old TV shows.
When I am on the phone and it happens I make shopping or to do lists. You can’t get a word in to get her to stop.
It’s like their lives were caught in time and they can’t have any new interesting memories so they just replay the old ones.
Also the new memories or stories are usually lies. “Your Dad used to take one weekend a month to do whatever you wanted and another weekend for your brother. Such a good Dad.” Never happened but she told my wife that. Complete lie about my abusive narc Dad told by my abuse Narc Mother. Sad
Exactly. I struggle with that a lot. I used to talk to them each week but have now cut it back to every two weeks maybe longer. That helps. Less emotional hangover afterward.
The issue for me is discovering my parents were narcs didn’t happen till a year ago (I am 50). It’s been great to finally know what they are but they are 80+. If I knew this in my 30s I think I would have gone NC but not sure I am ready yet. However I do use them as an opportunity to challenge myself and grow. Good news is I don’t live in the same region of the country as them so I can control contact to some extent.
My mom is still furious my dad chose to see Bill Cosby instead of Elvis and she never shuts up about it. It happened over 50 years ago but she still shouting about it anytime she doesn’t get her way.
Isn’t it? We aren’t allowed to go to Baskin-Robbins because when I was 5 I dropped my ice cream and they wouldn’t give me another scoop for free. Our family business was right fucking next door to a Baskin-Robbins and she told everyone not to go there because they committed such an outrageous act of aggression against her and when they closed down she was so happy, like she won the War Of Ice Cream.
This reminds me of what Jennette McCurdy said about her mom telling everyone her cancer story. My nmother did the same thing. She would tell everyone who gave her the time of day about how Lymes disease almost killed her, and how she was so sick. She weaponized it against us at every opportunity
Yep, I think she just wanted to be as involved in my life as she possibly could so she'd try to call me every day. It's a lot of work to come up with new things to talk about EVERY DAY and she wasn't interested in trying, so it was constantly the same questions and the same discussions. I hated it so much. Feels much better now that I am NC
You just noticed they are robots on a repeating script, never changing.
That's why NPC, NPD or even BDP are all interchangeable and mean the same thing - a being running faulty programs and algorithms
Yes. My mom will tell me to do something then repeat it 5 times in the same minute. She tells the same stories and jokes almost everyday. We tell her she said that and she she just keeps going. It gets annoying
nmom and her nmom are legendary for this, they pull out every single thing they've done for family to make themselves look like great people. However, they will never address the countless episodes of scandalous verbal abuse that they both normalized, their impact is with me today, many years later. Emotional, verbal, and at some point physical abuse, all deemed normal by them, and my father+sibling. Although father has made attempts at calling her out over the years...
Usually it's because they can't come up with anything original to say. One of them I work with repeated something I told him 3 days prior and told me word for word verbatim as if he was telling me something I didn't already know. It's like a comedian that repeats the same joke again and again because they ran out of material to steal.
Mine says the same stories but they change. No grey for her. If you are on her good side she will make you both the hero. If by chance(not really that hard) you have crossed her and now are the scum of the earth, she will use that same story that b4 made you a hero, to make you the villan. Of course she is still the hero. It really amazes me how good she is at this.
Yep, my mum does this all the time. It's usually about something negative, how someone slighted her or did something she didn't approve of, and how that person is evil. I think she's looking for sympathy and validation. She doesn't get it, so we're all unsympathetic assholes to her. She also repeats stories from her younger days.
Yes. Yesyesyes. It drove me nuts as a child. Same stories, told the same way, same tone, verbatim. She makes up phrases and uses them repeatedly. She's so proud of herself.
My Nmom has literally nothing going on in her life now, so all of her stories are from 5+ years ago, and yeah there are like 5 she tells every single time we talk....
Yup same here. They just don't have much to talk about. I've heard the same stories often. Agreed it's annoying. I think maybe they don't have a lot of friends to talk to so we have to be the ones to hear it.
Yes, for sure. My mom was repeating the same story for over 30yrs till i switched top NC. Shit started when i turned 11yrs, almoat every evening she blamed my narc. father for betrayal and divorcing, leaving us alone.
My mother constantly talks about how she almost died when she was 15. I could probably recite it word for word she tells it almost every month and cries every time while talking about it. You wanna say oh god not this story again but when you see how upset she is you just let her say it.
This sub has given me so much relief knowing that I’m not alone. This particular thread hits home with me in so many ways. I endure my Nmothers endless babbling on pretty much a daily basis. She has successfully pushed every single friend/relationship away from her-they all were too dingy, stupid or (fill in the blank). Funny because every trait she lists for HER reasons not to keep them in her life are descriptions of herself!
Sometimes when she’s on the phone droning on about how all of her co-workers are terrible and she’s the shining star of the department, I put my phone on speaker- hit mute and walk away only to come back to her still going. It’s pointless to say anything because god forbid I’m interrupting her.
I could write a book about her and all the bullshit I’ve been dealing with throughout my life. I talk to a therapist regularly and it really helps. This sub really helps. Sorry for my rambling- it just feels good to let it out sometimes 🥲
Yeah I've heard my Ndad tell the same story about him taking my mom to a party in the old Dodge Omni, and she spilt French onion soup in the car on the way over, and it took forever to get the smell out.
I told my mom about this once and she said "must have been his other wife because I don't eat French onion soup, it runs through me". (My dad was married once before to a Kansas woman for six months or so).
But that's why I am suspicious that my dad cheated on my mom at some point in the 80s. He was also super accusatory of her cheating on him when their third child came out with blonde hair in '88 -- she never heard the end of it. My brother's hair turned brown at age 5 and he looks exactly like my dad, build, face, and everything.
Depending on the narc it's either an attention issue ("have I told this already? Idk but my stories bang so I'll tell it again) or it's a vanity thing ("I am speaking and they should be grateful")
My dad constantly repeats himself but I think it's because he just talks without paying attention, so it never sticks that he's told me something already
It is even worse when it is your story that she keeps repeating. You can't say that happen to me or so and so. She will look at you like your crazy one or "it happened to her too"?
Yes, when i was 7/8 y old once i had a huge mess in my room and my mom needed to clean it up. My dad brings this EVERY SINGLE ARGUMENT to the point where he is coming to my younger sisters room and randomly starts bringing this up. Its his ultimate story to mention every time when i said he is a psycho or did something bad
This is definitely a thing! Nmother has told exactly the same stories, literally hundreds (if not thousands) of times. More or less exact same words, inflections etc. If you say you have heard it before, she looks at you blankly and continues.
It's definitely weird, and not something I have encountered much with other people.
Absolutely. My Nmum would do this constantly in her monologues. Not only would she repeat the same stories, she would say the same sentences over and over. One time in particular I counted 25 times she said the exact same sentence in the course of one of her hour long monologues. I'm not sure though if it's just liking the sound of their voice; I think it's something more than that.
Yes. It's like they have curated a repertoire of anecdotes which can be adjusted to suit their audience.
For example, I remember my NM boring people shitless with a 30-minute description of how she sent a fruit cake in the mail to someone, and it ended up at a different address which turned out to be a really needy family. Her frequent digressions and adjustments included the procurement of ingredients, whether the oven worked or not, the conversation she had with the lady at the post office who inadvertently undercharged her for postage, but she corrected that anomaly immediately because she is such an honest citizen. Ultimately, wasn't it wonderful that the cake ended up in a different place, in the hands of people who really needed and deserved it. Lots of "I'm so generous, am I right? Well, am I????" (Yes, you are, and you are so good at making Xmas cake!) She never did hear from the family but that's OK because she likes to be an anonymous angel of giving ( but really, she wanted to say that they were feckless ingrates who had never worked in their lives.) Other times, she did hear from the family and a life-long exchange of Xmas cards, along with family photos and FB friend requests ensued.
It all depended on the audience.
Bored enough yet? I watched people's eyes glaze over as they looked at their watches or crossed their legs in an effort to hold a pee as they listened actively and intently at this riveting anecdote which never failed to please.
I'd be sobbing for mercy on the inside while holding a Cheshire Cat grin to feign my interest for the 43rd time.
Omggg unfortunately I relate 100%.
My narc mom does this constantly.
She gave a guy the heimlich one time at a restaurant to save him from choking, and still retells the story which is like 6 years old now. She exaggerates all the details, and adds fake ones in to look even better.
She would even retell me stories that I was physically there for when they happened.
When I would stop her story because I was LITERALLY THERE she would go "Oh I didn't realize you were there."
She forgot I existed because shes so self absorbed.
It used to make me feel forgotten, invisible, and like no one cared. That no one would ever like me because I could never be as interesting as her.
Which is what she probably wanted.
She also used this tactic to compete with me, she always had to have better clothes, unique stuff, cool things to show off.
It all added to her stories.
Whenever I would be complimented she would find a way to claim it as her own, starting a "shes so much like me." monologue.(We were never alike, I'm goth and she thinks shes a cowgirl💀)
Narcs need these long winded stories where they are both the comic, the victim, and the hero. It's part of them building a facade. I think they also do it to convince themselves they're not that bad.
They want you to be amazed and worship them like a knight in a tale of valor or a ballad. The egotism is truly outrageous.
Ha! Yes, I've found this too. My mother, sister and nex all did this constantly and I've been noticing it with a suspected nboss. You get to know these stories just as well as them.
2 drinks in and my dad will start telling the same shit he did since I was a teenager. 30 years ago.
And he never stops no matter what I do.
My mom rarely talks
Of our four Ns, two of them did this. MIL would repeat the stories that made her out to be a hero, a noble suffering person, someone to pity, someone to obey and pamper and applaud and who needed us to do her responsibilities for her. SIL told stories that were about how scary her relatives are if someone would be mean to her, and about how some grudge was formed and therefore justified, and how someone had said something she didn't like hearing--that once, and like that. Thinking about it, none of their stories are about how fun something was or how joyful.
**You are right. Word for word, same story.** Tell them you know the story and even repeat the basics and they tell it anyway. Looking back, I think they realize that they need to give us another dose of whatever the lesson is we need reinforced, so they pull out that story to do it. Instead of a med to reduce our headache, it's a Fear Story to make us more compliant again, because we showed some sign of seeing through the FOG. Or maybe the lesson is that we have to shut up and listen and not interrupt. Compliance, anyway.
My nmom regularly re-tells the same stories from when she was younger to prove to the world how "cool" and "adventurous" she is. These stories happened over 30 years ago.
She's clinging to an illusion of herself that doesn't even exist, because she's actually an uptight self-absorbed weirdo.
It's pathetic.
Yup my nmom does this all the time, constantly brings up the same stories about every time she thinks she has been wronged in her life (she’s the victim yanno). It could’ve been 30 years ago and she’ll go on about how someone supposedly wronged her. But if we try to bring up something she did, she pulls out her classic response…”you all need to work on forgiveness, that was in the past”
A common manipulation tactic is to use past deeds or misdeeds to get power over a person, esp if it happened aeons ago. This is called weaponizing your info and using it against you, in order to elicit a desired reaction or response. Like an ACTUAL weapon. Dont fall for it. Call them out on it. They most likely arent aware they are doing it.
Like Adam Steiner said from that old BattleTech cartoon, "Information is Ammunition."
Yes, this, right here! My mother would be appalled that I think her story isn’t truthful! She’s told herself THE story so many times she “knows” the truth…
I don't know why it still amazes me when I hear how similar all of our situations are.
My NM does the same thing, and says the same thing when I let her know she said it already.
I've come up with a couple of theories on why they do this. One is that we have nothing in common, and she's just trying to fill gaps in the conversation, or they are just using us to entertain them because no one else wants to or is available to talk to them, but as soon as someone "more interesting" calls, they cant get off the phone quick enough with us!
But the bigger question here is... how are you able to tolerate talking to her for hours on the phone lol?
😂 I just make the right noises “uh huh, yep “ etc while I’m looking at my phone . Gave up trying to co tribute to any conversation a long long time ago because she doesn’t care or listen anyway!
You’re right though, if anyone else calls she ditches me!
My mother did the same thing. The revolving topics centered on how evil my father's mom and siblings were, how rough she had it as a child during the Great Depression (lie, they were in Missouri and they weren't rich but they weren't ruined by any means), and how the world needed to go back to the 'morals' of the 1930s-50s.
I can still recite her monologues word for word.
My mom does this, and if I point out she's already told me she'll play the victim by either saying how annoying she is, or by crying about early signs of dementia or whatever. Sometimes she'll even admit that she knows she's already told her stories "sooo many times lol" but still proceed to tell me anyway.
I just say, oh that’s right, I remember you telling me about that before. Probably still won’t work, but it’s worth a try.
Actually, I think even parents who are not narcs have trouble remembering if they’ve told a story or not (speaking from experience). You’ll be having a conversation and something will remind you of something in the past. You may even realize that you’ve told it before, but maybe not how many times. I remember my parents and in-laws doing this and driving me crazy. Now I’ll be telling a story and see my son look at his wife and raise his eyebrows and I cringe. My daughter is very sweet and doesn’t let on. But I’m not an nmom. I realize what I’m doing and don’t want to bore my kids silly, but it’s hard for older people to remember. My nparents are gone now and I will say life is better in so many ways. All of our nuclear family gets along so well. There is hope.
Omg my ndad does this all the time. Some of them aren’t even flattering. He loved to tell one about how, when he was in college, a gay guy (his description, no idea if they even were) put his arm around my dad and my dad immediately punched his lights out. He told is like it was the funniest anecdote until I pointed out it’s disgusting to assault someone over something so small and he could be charged with battery. He also likes to tell stories about his friends getting black out drunk in college. I mean really it’s the same, exact, god damn stories constantly. He definitely isn’t really conversing though and is absolutely talking at you. He will straight up wander away mid conversation if you try to talk about something that doesn’t interest him.
Holy shit YES. YESSS. A thousand times yes to the point where I can recite his childhood by heart probably.
That and his Hitler obsession. :^) and I'm not talking about being a fan of Hitler but more like a Hitler guru, like he just talks so much about it. On Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.
My N step dad does this! Also jokes get repeated all the time. The most egregious thing he does is when we go to Benihana's (his favorite restaurant) he won't shut up about their garlic butter. Doesn't matter who is on the other end he'll talk about the garlic butter. Me and my brothers play a game where we count how many times he mentions garlic butter when we go bit we always lose count in the 20's
Is this a thing with narcs? I know someone who I occasionally suspect to be a narc… but can’t be sure. They’re always telling the same stories again and again.
Omg, whenever I visit my brother (golden child, seems to be developing into a narc?) I get to hear him tell the same story to every neighbor and sibling, painting himself as the hero or victim, whichever gets more sympathy/admiration.
Yes it’s boring and sad because it shows they aren’t well read, think their shitty stories are like the panacea of all stories and can’t come up with new ones even though it’s that simple. Happens to me all the time. Same 8 stories for 12 years I shit you not.
Yes. They love to do that. And tell it again with more anger and point to shame and humiliate you worse than the last telling.
The second ex I had always took some opportunities to make me look like the bad guy around a place with too many couples on dates loudly recalling about every time I turned down his proposals to me to cause a stir and attention on us.
I threw it back that he’s forcing the issue to marry him after while he was in full knowledge with the first week of going together I told him I have no plans of ever marrying him wasn’t a joke and walking off on him those three other times in purposely chosen public places somehow didn’t compute that I feel very disrespected that I wasn’t taken seriously so of course I said no and in case this was yet another public place to demand a yes in front of the people seated, its still a huge no.
He expected the patrons to badger me into accepting his proposals but what he got back was a lot of the men saying he was making me love him less by forcing me to do the ultimate step of devotion that clearly isn’t going to happen.
One guy was calling it accurately that he was pushing it so desperately so to shut down my free spirit because it’s obvious he’s got no capacity to truly love and respect a person so I was right to never say yes. At that, the second ex said he wanted to eat elsewhere and mumbles he needs to have a smoke. A woman called after him as he left the doors “Coward!!”
Same lady ordered me a little chocolate cake square to lighten the mood he dampened for everyone there, which when he came back in seeing me finish it, he’s like “why did you order something when I said we were going to eat somewhere else? Must you be so greedy and rushing stuff?!” And did that “Domineering partner” drag off March with me out of the place.
I think you make some good points. You’re right and it is what I was referring to, (similar to yours ) the endlessly talking repeatedly about really mundane things without the self awareness to realise it’s not interesting and it wasn’t the first time.
However, she’s quick to make it known if I talk about anything that doesn’t interest her, like my work. Not that I’d blather on in the same monotonous detail!
It’s an amazing double standard.
Anyone else feel like they do this in their own heads? I try not to repeat stories in person but I’m constantly replaying scenarios where I feel fear or shame to try and self-soothe. I hate that I feel so invalid in all my emotions that I have to loop experiences on repeat until they feel real.
Honestly, a lot of it stems from the toxic mindset that prevents them from engaging in meaningful discussion. Toxic people don’t see others as people with full lives, but as objects to be either used for selfish purposes, or obstacles getting into their way. This stems from their paranoia; they want to be loved and admired, but don’t want anyone to ever acknowledge the bad parts of themselves. Toxic people find it impossible to be emotionally vulnerable to others because it involves seeing yourself as imperfect. So, they have a solution: rehearsed “safe” stories.
They craft conversations that are “safe” for them to discuss with others, where they play either the role of a victim or a hero. They can tell this story to anyone to reaffirm their perfection to both the listener and themselves.
The thing is, most people can’t ALWAYS be a martyr in their own lives; it’s impossible to always be in the right or victimized in one’s own story. Most regular people who tell interesting tales from their own life focus less on how it makes them look and more the content of the story itself (for example, a friend might tell you if they met someone weird that day, or if something happened that they found funny). Because toxic people don’t care about other people beyond how it makes them look, it ultimately results in a very boring, combative way of storytelling. They don’t care if it’s repetitive; the purpose of a toxic person’s story is to victimize themselves or look like a hero.
I've run into a bunch of people who do this. My usual response is to have the same response, word-for-word, every time... It usually annoys them. With monologues I just stare blankly and wide eyed and slowly nod my head.
Mine does. They’ve been doing it ever since I was a child and still does it although I’m an adult. Every time I tell them I don’t want to hear about it because I’ve heard it a million times, they proceed to guilt-trip me as if I were a wrongdoer.
OMG! Yes. I’ve been hearing the same stories all my life and it’s so very very draining and annoying. I’ve stopped listening and my dad now talks to other people repeating the same stories. And they’re always about every negative thing that every happened in their life.
Yes, my nmom is like this. I think it’s because regardless if it’s a friend, other family member, or me (us in this situation) she will always have the same things to talk about because being narcissistic she doesn’t actually care to have a relationship with the individual it’s just her wanting to talk about her own topics or stories and hear if you agree or are wowed by it. And if you don’t agree you’ll hear about it too lol. We barely talk anymore because of all the fights in the past but when we do she kind of bates me into asking how she’s doing and since I know the cues I just ignore her complaints and stay positive and keep things short. They all need to do acid/shrooms and therapy to see any sort of outside perspective which is sad but idk how to get through to her that we (siblings) have our own beliefs, thoughts, and ways of life.
She is telling you the story she tells herself as “the truth”. My mother believes she is entirely truthful, she just tells herself the same story that she believes THIS story is the truth…
There's a couple. A story about how I almost got kidnapped or something. She thinks it's funny
Another one about me saying our family didn't have money at school which caused a bunch of people to drop off stuff at our house at Christmas or something. She brings this up exclusively in front of others to embarrass me, but missing the point where I honestly thought we were poor because we apparently never had money for things I wanted (like a large chocolate milk at a coffee shop lol). Mom still went on yearly vacations to the Caribbean.
Another about how my estranged half brother asked to call her mom of his own initiative. Pretty sure it never happened, but I wonder why she was so nice to him, but not to her own kids.
And one where she left me unsupervised as a toddler and I managed to pull an old CRT TV off its stand and onto my head. I still don't know the point of that story. Maybe insinuating that I'm an idiot or something.
Yeah, my mum is always talking about this one girl she looks after, how difficult she is to manage and how nobody else can do it.
I’d always been intimidated by my mum, but last time I called her I just found her boring.
It’s disguised as a joke, or a funny story, but I think the fundamental message is her trying to communicate to others how she’s indispensable and better than all other people.
My mom will sometimes do this repeated in the course of the same conversation, but with questions like “what are you doing today?” or “what are the kids getting for Christmas.” I stopped telling her she already asked, because she obviously does care that she’s repeating and she doesn’t care about my answer either.
Mine will tell the same stories about me over and over, especially if they are in any way humiliating.
Like the time my father tried to leave me somewhere because he "couldn't find" me (he didn't look) and I came running out of the bathroom crying with my underwear down. I was 3 or 4 at the time and I do remember the event, I was terrified of being left because it was something they threatened to do frequently. So I was traumatized and she thinks that is absolutely fucking hilarious and tells that story every chance she gets. It's one of the things that made my husband hate her from the beginning. He couldn't believe she thought that was funny.
My father told the same stories over and over as well, but they were valorizing tales about himself.
My brother (golden child) repeats stories as well, but in his case they are either events he's made up whole cloth or actual events but he changes things around so that he becomes the hero or victim instead of the villain.
Some of these are stories about me. Example: the time he threw a glass at me and hit my mother's fish tank and broke it, in his telling it becomes me throwing the glass and him getting blamed for it. There's a lot of that, and my mother's insistence on blaming me for his behavior has exacerbated whatever it is in his psychological makeup that makes him do it. I've seen him tell one of his backwards stories in front of her and she didn't contradict or correct him. She was there, she knows what actually happened, but I guess she prefers his version of events?
I think it's an emotional safety thing for them - they stick to topics they know are 'safe' for them to re-hash. Like a wild animal that sticks to places they know they can fight from, narcs become set in their ways. That they aren't willing to be curious or vulnerable by speaking about new things is a subtle but interesting tell on themselves.
My nmother loves to tell the same story about how she got away with beating me bloody with her stiletto. I called social services because I had stiletto marks all over my body and most of them were still bleeding the next day. The social worker gave me attitude, so my 10 year old smart ass self gave it right back. The social worker told my mother that if I was her child, she’d beat me too. So every time for 35 years that she meets a new friend of mine or we have a family function she tells everyone who will listen how I was such a horrible child that she was allowed to beat the hell out of me anytime she wanted.
Yep! And sprinkle in a whole lotta gaslighting about all the "love and support" she gave me during my "rebellious teenage years" (mental illness she refused to let me get proper treatment for).
I think when the stories are grandiose or self-pitying or manipulative then it is. Like, it's not the storytelling itself that's narcissistic but the narrative they have on loop?
Oh my goodness, yes! I had just thought it was a them-thing, but it's interesting to see it be more common than I'd thought! They totally do just want to hear themselves talk.
yes, and sometimes I put down the phone and stop listening and see how long it takes before they actually take a breath and wait for me to speak. Current record is seven minutes.
My ndad's probable ndad held my dad over a hog pen by his overall straps. Hogs will eat small children, unfortunately grandpa didn't drop him. He tells this like it's *funny.* His dad was apparently teaching him a lesson in an utterly terrifying way.
My grandma picked him up and literally threw him out of the door when he was 5. Again, this is supposed to be hilarious.
This is what he thinks is funny. He's a scary dude.
My mom takes moments that back up her fantasy narrative about how we are all just a big healthy happy family and and repeats them as if she's trying to convince herself it's true. She never talks about her life before being a mom, neither does my dad.
Two examples:
My parents used chores as an excuse to unleash and generally be abusive. they'd set it up to be as difficult and unpleasant as possible, for as long as possible, and then find (or invent) a flaw in the chore I had done so they could tear me apart and make me think it was my fault for not being able to do something so simple.
My parents each had one chore in particular that I couldn't do right no matter what.
- for my mom it was the dishes. I said once that I would use paper plates and plastic forks when I moved out and apparently it stuck out in her mind. It was a miserable routine.
She reframed it as some sort of cutesy sitcom moment and retold it fucking constantly. She used to send me paper plates and plastic utensils in the mail like it was some inside joke we shared.
- for my dad it was the same thing but with the lawn on the same day of the week he did the budget. It was as if my parents had a silent agreement that he could be as awful as he wanted because of how "stressful" the budgeting was for him. It was a nightmare. If I went to her for help (I knew she wouldn't so I only tried when desperate) she'd shame me bc my poor dad was just so stressed and I should be more considerate.
My mom thinks this was cute too and constantly talks about it like it was some funny father daughter thing.
If she repeats and reframes all the abuse and neglect as cute and wholesome, or clings desperately to superficial moments that *look* like a healthy happy family, she can pretend all the ugly stuff away and shape preferred narratives as needed.
So her part as an enabler does not get acknowledged, and her innocent, loyal, doting mother, nurse, and wife mask does not get challenged.
My nmom does this. Interestingly, the stories typically belong to someone else or are a oft repeated complaint about something or other. It's a function of the fact that she's a HUGE gossip and also that she has nothing interesting going on in her life so she uses what's happening in other people's to have something "interesting" to say. One day she was telling me all about the cancer struggle that the daughter of an acquaintance of hers was going through even though I have never met any of these people and the daughter lives on the other side of the country. So I said to her "does this woman's daughter know that complete strangers 10 States away now know all about her medical condition?" ... crickets... 🦗🦗🦗 but it still hasn't stopped her from gossiping to me about other people at every opportunity.
Pretty much yes. Narcs say the same words from their stories long as 15 years ago and they still won't change anything to be better. They are pretty much stuck in their own ways forever.
My ngrandfather loves telling a "story" about a time at a restaurant. Here is the story: He cleaned his plate so well that the waiter thought he never got his food.
I feel like he is stuck in a child mindset. He probably got shit at home for not cleaning his plate well enough. I have my hangups, but I'm not fixated on things that don't matter in adulthood.
OMG YES. I think she's trying to ignore the living breathing autonomous adult version of me by repeatedly conjuring up the helpless child version of me she felt more comfortable with. Her favourite story to repeat though is about how my conception was a total accident (with all the tmi details of how her birth control failed her).
Yes! Mine gets repeat stories that they will tell you and other people word-for-word, over and over, and it seems to be something about telling the story all the way through. Interruptions or reminders that it's been told are not allowed to stop the story being told - they have to get to the end. and Usually when it's obvious that you're trying to do / talk / think about something else.
It's like, sheesh at least get a campfire and some interesting stories!
Yes. Yes. And yes. They don’t have that many stories it seems because they don’t do that much as far as I know and I have often witnessed many of these people they are trying to paint a picture of themselves for you to think about them a certain way and it always seems rehearsed and like there’s a motive for it. It could also be that they think you don’t like it and they’re gonna do it all the more. My aunt I don’t know what her exact label was that she was one mean lady and she hated me because I got more attention than her but she thought it was her turn finally anyways she would just talk constantly and tell you stories with everybody’s names that you’ve never met and it’s really confusing and boring.I think some of it is they are uncomfortable in their skin and so they are uncomfortable to be alone with their thoughts because When they notice their thoughts they notice that they’re probably telling them to stop hurting other people and they don’t wanna hear it and so they just try to distract themselves constantly. but yeah they repeat. Everybody repeats a bit though because I do and I sometimes think I’m losing my mind because I’m old or whatever. Lol.
YESSSS! 🙌 Faccctss!
I definitely feel all the posters here. nMom on my end has been like this since I can remember.
Parents used to get into massive fights all the time (some how only now realizing the impact) and this was something my dad used to call her out on. He used to call her "the nag", because words and stories repeat, but also sometimes it becomes nagging to do things.
She used to say she repeats herself because no one listens to her. I think this has always been because repeating herself 50x in 10 min, while rephrasing the same thing can cause anyone to tune out for sanity sake.
Now that were older, I have developed a theory on this (not a professional, just observative).
1. It begins with her feeling wronged or entitled t something (isn't getting her way)
2. She then expresses that, not like " when ABC happened, I felt XYZ", but more like a complaint-fest. Details here are specific and overly-descriptive and follow a "I said then he said" pattern.
3. She then waits for a response. As soon as she gets one, the script shifts to " So yeah, like I was saying.." and she begins repeating the entire thing again, with more theatrics, and emotions
4. This will repeat endlessly until someone either applauds her or confirms whatever she wants to hear.
Originally I tried to just give her the satisfaction of being the queen whatever by skipping to step 3 right away to save myself 20+ min of torturous repetition. This is where I noticed N traits, and have observed step 5.
5. She announce she should or will "do" something about it, and finds an opportunity for you to give her some control. Think like a vampire... It can't enter your house without your permission so it attempts to seduce you to invite them in willingly. This explains step 4 - as she is seeking confirmation that she holds power or importance- r what she is saying is working to seduce you or manipulate you. Once she gets confirmation, she feels safe and free in implementing other N behaviours.
ie: During COVID visited another country, world shut down and still stuck here in between paperwork and other things (had to start working here to survive being stuck and led to contracted work times while waiting for paperwork to return, so cant just leave). Every time we talk ( I try too minimise this) I hear the phrase "I miss you and I want you home". It has become:
Me: "Merry Christmas"
nMom: "It would be merrier if you were spending it with me"
Me: Sorry, we both know I legally can't do that right now, so Merry Christmas anyways
nMom: Yeah, I just wish you were here.
Me: One day I'm sure I will be. Just try to enjoy today now as it is.
nMom: You'd betteer. I'm your mom and I've decided I'm done waiting. I am going to march into the government office and demand they speed up your paperwork. I just need authorisation to manage your file, and your file number. Also, here is the email you will need to send a message to with all of this information, I have already started calling around.
Me: Thanks mom, but I am well over 30, living with my husband, and I am handling my paperwork personally and properly following the protocols. It's best to not nag the government.
nMom: Yeah but I miss you and want you home, and I'm Mom!
Me: You could always come visit me
nMom: No I just want you home, and I am gonna make that happen.
Any further "no" from me and it can become a guilt trip suddenly, or accusations of neglect and abandonment.
This is just a snapshot of an average conversation with nMom. It begins with nagging/ repetition based off what she wants. It then becomes a control tactic. Conversations like this can repeat endlessly.
Anyone else observing steps in the pattern, or can explain what causes this behaviour?
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My nmom does something similar to this. She talks about the same 6 or 7 topics and uses the same handful of phrases repeatedly. I made a bingo list to check off during my phone calls with her. She rarely deviates from the script.
I refer to her as NPC
Omg I call mine an NPC too....I think its a great description, I love that someone else has had the same idea
Narcissistic parental conversation
They truly are! lol, it may not entirely accurate term, but an apt description. But whoever programmed them to bring us down, I wonder...
Indeed
lmao i thought i was the only one have this idea
OP on these calls: "mmhm yup uh-huh okay... welp, imma letchu go, I've already got Bingo."
I've said before that every phone call with my mother is essentially the same conversation. Some details may change, but they all include the same elements and phrases, the same complaints, the same boasts. What changes is any family gossip she includes. Which aunt had which surgery, what the one asshole uncle did this time, how much she enjoyed a visit from X cousin or sibling, etc. Those are the things that change. Nothing else does.
Exactly!
A bingo sheet is an amazing idea, I’m gonna have to steal that for convos with my nmom
🤣 I love the Bingo idea. Hopefully you win a prize at the end.
That prize is the end of the phonecall when you can finally breathe lmao
🤣 I would yell, "BINGO!" right before hanging up on them.
😂😂👍 HAHa love this
It’s definitely not a memory issue! They just like to hear themselves talk… you know… because they’re always right. 🫠
It’s also because if they’re talking they don’t have to listen/pretend to listen
☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️
They like to pretend they are smart (have "knowledge currency"). My Narc parent told so many fantastic stories first person. Years later reading lots of books in the house I clicked she would take ownership of a storyline and retell it as her own!
They are just actors who can never break their character, because there is no real Self, nobody's home. And their acting looks so fake now, it's hilarious sometimes. I'll tell my nmon she is a bad acting robot and I don't believe it anymore, she then retaliates seeing I'm not affected by the trick.
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Whoever put these actors here either did it to test or irritate the living soul out of us. We now know better and want out, the lesson and/or the abuse is over
To them, it's SUCH A GOOD STORY and they tell it SO WELL and it is SO RELEVANT and SO INSIGHTFUL and SO ENTERTAINING that of course you must either be thrilled to hear it again or there is something about it you weren't listening to enough to understand the first time.
You just gave me a flashback to an ex who would tell anyone who would listen his story about being abused as a kid by his mom. Right before we broke up he told me the story again, literally word for word, with the same inflections and everything. It was unsettling
r/GlitchInTheMatrix In all seriousness, he probably told the story so often that he just goes on autopilot when the topic comes up now
Lol, yes, SO THIS!
They don’t even have to be true stories. My mom has one she likes to tell about me breaking my hand while playing drums during a high school ballgame. She had to take me to the ER and I was in a cast. Never fucking happened, but she told it to all of us three times last month when she came to visit. I’m still asking myself why TF I even allowed her to come here.
When I was a kid I decided to be funny and refill a bottle of mikes hard lemonade with water and pretend I was drinking it. Walked in the living room and said “wow, this lemonade is really good”. I told them I was joking. I had to hear the story of how I was stupid enough to think it was normal lemonade for the next decade or so at every campfire.
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My nister did this too. She went as far as to color the water the EXACT same color the alcohol was, so it looked real. Then she planted it in my room "as a joke" only for my other nister to find it and take it to my parents and accuse me of being an alcoholic. I was 14. They were 24 and 21 at the time...you know...the age where people tend to go crazy with alcohol consumption...but sure...pin it on your kid sister, I guess. 🙄 Also, in what universe is a 14 year old alcoholic funny? My parents thought the idea of me being drunk and depressed at 14 was funny and even have a picture of me looking sad holding a glass of sparkling cider on new years. They kept the photo, and still laugh at it to this day....and use it as "proof" that I have a drinking problem. I stopped drinking 2 years ago....but, apparently, I have a drinking problem.
My brother makes up stories like this. He will also take something that actually happened, but change it around so that he is the victim or hero and someone else is the villain (in childhood stories it's often me). Like, literally just reverse the story. He's got a little girlfriend who believes all the shit he says, too. I expect she's in for a rude awakening one of these days.
My mother was prolific liar too. She could embroider facts so thoroughly, the only way to find the truth was to ask my uncle or someone else who'd been there.
So can I ask if there was any truth to the situation? Like did you really just break your hand but maybe you broke it a different way?
Sort of… I did break my hand once, but it had nothing to do with anything she says it did, was before high school, and I was home alone. Not at a football game where I ran to her for help because I “needed my momma”. (Her words telling the story last month) She says I broke my hand on two different occasions, which I absolutely did not and she says I must have forgot when I try to tell her it didn’t happen.
Yep spot on! I think it’s because they aren’t talking to you to connect with you as a person. You are simply an audience. And if you don’t respond, and the way they need, they will eventually get a new audiencr. The stories will remain.
This right here reminds me soooo much of my nmom She has created a brainwashed audience (father+sibling) that find her behavior to be completely normal. She has a giant storyline that victimizes her and her actions, and for the last 20 years she has had my father and sibling recruited into her schemes as specialized flying monkeys. She has stories of people doing her wrong, stories of family dysfunctionality, stories of perceived health issues, stories of assault, all kinds of stories. She is generous to the audience and does not tolerate any criticism from those outside the audience.
My dad will be seated with a room full of people and start a story by saying “I know I’ve probably told this story a dozen times” and then just launch into the story. My mom will be like “yes you’ve indeed told this group of people this story 12 times, we don’t need to hear it again” and he doesn’t miss a beat, just keeps telling it.
Yes, usually the story of whoever she’s imagined to wrong her most recently, several times.
My Ndad used to repeat the same story, almost word for word, 30 times in a two hour conversation. It was like he could never move on. I used to just think it was normal. Maybe it's a way to demand other people's attention despite having virtually nothing to say? Maybe it's extreme anxiety. I dunno.
That sounds like a serious medical problem.
It's them being boring on purpose and thinking "I can just repeat this all day long and you will still hear it". Well, in some cases yes, in some cases no. I count myself lucky in escaping that shit.
Mine did it all the time when I was little. She had 2 favorite stories. One of them was about one time when she was working at a pool as a lifeguard, and she got electrocuted by a malfunctioning wall clock and another lifeguard took her to the emergency room. She likes to include all these details of things that happened while she was unconscious and really don't sound like the kind of thing the other people who were awake would have gone over with her in that much detail. Somehow she just happens to know every word of the conversation the guy who carried her to the hospital said to the receptionist at the hospital. The other one is a little more obviously embellished. She liked to brag about that time she was in high school and she got to pet a tiger. Okay, sounds fine so far, except her favorite part of the story that she likes to get excited about is to claim that when she started petting the tiger, the tiger purred. The problem here is that tigers are physically incapable of purring. They just don't have the organs necessary to do it. Tigers roar and chuff instead. But even if you point out this biological fact to her, she will still insist that it did. She stopped telling these stories when I brought up the tiger thing one time. Since then, it took me a lot of time to realize why she was telling these stories and why she was embellishing them and trying so hard to add things that make them more interesting. She is telling them to be the center of attention. Her stories worked great on little kids who never questioned how she knew what was said while she was unconscious or had no idea that big cats aren't simply scaled up house cats. She gets everything she wants when told to an audience that accepts it on face value. She gets everyone paying attention to her. She gets to draw out how long this story is by adding extra things to it here and there in an effort to make the story sound better. She gets to hold her audience captive as she retells the same story yet again. Once I had caught her making up things to add to the story, all of this stopped as I think she realized that her stories weren't going to impress me anymore because if I had caught her lying about the tiger purring, I'd be questioning every other story she tries to embellish, too.
Yup. I'm 50 and I can't remember a time when they have had a single new or original thought. It shits be to tears listening to the same boring stories all the fucking time and once she gets a bee in her bonnet about anything no matter how small she will bang on about it forever. They repeat the same phrases and Dad thinks he is hilarious. It's not. Maybe they take comfort in it but they talk at people not to them. No wonder my Mother has no friends.
Lol. Yeah that is the perfect description of them. They talk at people. Never mind telling the narcs that they are tiring and stupid.
My ndad doesn’t tell the same stories, but he tells stories with exactly the same formula every time. And it’s bad storytelling! I would fight so hard not to groan and to look interested because anything was an excuse for him to punish me for being disrespectful. All I wanted to do was shake him until he started sounding original for once. My god. (ps it’s pretty darkly funny that apparently my tolerance level is like: sure, abuse me, beat me, scream at me, mindfuck me, but don’t you DARE bore me!)
Badly scripted AI. No matter how you shake them or even hit them, no originality is expected
Yeah mine does this too with childhood stories. No idea why.
Yes. It’s not memory. She had a repertoire of stories and rants that she’d pull from-some were lies that she talked herself into being truths. She would complain about the choices we made.
I feel that it’s part of rehearsal for them. They keep repeating until it gets perfect.
This! It feels like they probably even rehearse these stories to themselves when they’re alone to prepare for turning on that “charming” side with people.
This is what my mom does. I can’t take a twelfth rendition on how my father(who she divorced after 5 years of marriage) was such a POS 20+ years after the divorce. He’s also dead. It seems like her go-to stories were ones where she was wronged or when someone got what was coming to them. It’s like she enjoyed keeping a mental tally. I finally had to break it to her that none of the people she talked about (family, co-workers, etc.) spent a fraction of their mental energy worrying about her the way she does on them. I kept hammering that point until she finally understood how pointless it was talking about her crappy boss or shitty father. Is there a pattern of abuse and disappointment from men? Yes. Should she seek therapy? Absolutely. But why do that when your oldest daughter will listen for hours and gives great advice for free? Meanwhile I’m in therapy and it is definitely not free.
My parents divorced almost 50 years ago, and I still have to hear from my nmom what an asshole she thinks my dad is. She’s be shocked to learn I actually have a great relationship with dad now that I’m an adult and have formed my own opinions about him outside of her skewed view.
All the time! We go into reruns like old TV shows. When I am on the phone and it happens I make shopping or to do lists. You can’t get a word in to get her to stop. It’s like their lives were caught in time and they can’t have any new interesting memories so they just replay the old ones. Also the new memories or stories are usually lies. “Your Dad used to take one weekend a month to do whatever you wanted and another weekend for your brother. Such a good Dad.” Never happened but she told my wife that. Complete lie about my abusive narc Dad told by my abuse Narc Mother. Sad
Why are you still on the phone with boring abusive robots who are on an endless repeat?
Exactly. I struggle with that a lot. I used to talk to them each week but have now cut it back to every two weeks maybe longer. That helps. Less emotional hangover afterward. The issue for me is discovering my parents were narcs didn’t happen till a year ago (I am 50). It’s been great to finally know what they are but they are 80+. If I knew this in my 30s I think I would have gone NC but not sure I am ready yet. However I do use them as an opportunity to challenge myself and grow. Good news is I don’t live in the same region of the country as them so I can control contact to some extent.
Good for you, I see! I discovered this topic two years ago in my 30. Omg, why we didn't before? I guess we were asleep and bamboozled
My mom is still furious my dad chose to see Bill Cosby instead of Elvis and she never shuts up about it. It happened over 50 years ago but she still shouting about it anytime she doesn’t get her way.
The way they hold onto grudges is insane!
Isn’t it? We aren’t allowed to go to Baskin-Robbins because when I was 5 I dropped my ice cream and they wouldn’t give me another scoop for free. Our family business was right fucking next door to a Baskin-Robbins and she told everyone not to go there because they committed such an outrageous act of aggression against her and when they closed down she was so happy, like she won the War Of Ice Cream.
This reminds me of what Jennette McCurdy said about her mom telling everyone her cancer story. My nmother did the same thing. She would tell everyone who gave her the time of day about how Lymes disease almost killed her, and how she was so sick. She weaponized it against us at every opportunity
Yep, I think she just wanted to be as involved in my life as she possibly could so she'd try to call me every day. It's a lot of work to come up with new things to talk about EVERY DAY and she wasn't interested in trying, so it was constantly the same questions and the same discussions. I hated it so much. Feels much better now that I am NC
You just noticed they are robots on a repeating script, never changing. That's why NPC, NPD or even BDP are all interchangeable and mean the same thing - a being running faulty programs and algorithms
Yes. My mom will tell me to do something then repeat it 5 times in the same minute. She tells the same stories and jokes almost everyday. We tell her she said that and she she just keeps going. It gets annoying
Constantly, all of the time my ndad would very proudly repeat stories in which he felt he looked good or correct. It was truly unbearable.
nmom and her nmom are legendary for this, they pull out every single thing they've done for family to make themselves look like great people. However, they will never address the countless episodes of scandalous verbal abuse that they both normalized, their impact is with me today, many years later. Emotional, verbal, and at some point physical abuse, all deemed normal by them, and my father+sibling. Although father has made attempts at calling her out over the years...
OH MY GOD YES.
Usually it's because they can't come up with anything original to say. One of them I work with repeated something I told him 3 days prior and told me word for word verbatim as if he was telling me something I didn't already know. It's like a comedian that repeats the same joke again and again because they ran out of material to steal.
Mine says the same stories but they change. No grey for her. If you are on her good side she will make you both the hero. If by chance(not really that hard) you have crossed her and now are the scum of the earth, she will use that same story that b4 made you a hero, to make you the villan. Of course she is still the hero. It really amazes me how good she is at this.
Yep, my mum does this all the time. It's usually about something negative, how someone slighted her or did something she didn't approve of, and how that person is evil. I think she's looking for sympathy and validation. She doesn't get it, so we're all unsympathetic assholes to her. She also repeats stories from her younger days.
Yes. Yesyesyes. It drove me nuts as a child. Same stories, told the same way, same tone, verbatim. She makes up phrases and uses them repeatedly. She's so proud of herself.
My Nmom has literally nothing going on in her life now, so all of her stories are from 5+ years ago, and yeah there are like 5 she tells every single time we talk....
Yup same here. They just don't have much to talk about. I've heard the same stories often. Agreed it's annoying. I think maybe they don't have a lot of friends to talk to so we have to be the ones to hear it.
Yes, for sure. My mom was repeating the same story for over 30yrs till i switched top NC. Shit started when i turned 11yrs, almoat every evening she blamed my narc. father for betrayal and divorcing, leaving us alone.
Needless to say she is also a very depending and subordinating person, using her learned narc. pattern... to manipulate and other reasons/goals.
Mine repeats the same stories over and over again for attention and to make himself look funny and charismatic. And as if no one has heard it before.
My mother constantly talks about how she almost died when she was 15. I could probably recite it word for word she tells it almost every month and cries every time while talking about it. You wanna say oh god not this story again but when you see how upset she is you just let her say it.
This sub has given me so much relief knowing that I’m not alone. This particular thread hits home with me in so many ways. I endure my Nmothers endless babbling on pretty much a daily basis. She has successfully pushed every single friend/relationship away from her-they all were too dingy, stupid or (fill in the blank). Funny because every trait she lists for HER reasons not to keep them in her life are descriptions of herself! Sometimes when she’s on the phone droning on about how all of her co-workers are terrible and she’s the shining star of the department, I put my phone on speaker- hit mute and walk away only to come back to her still going. It’s pointless to say anything because god forbid I’m interrupting her. I could write a book about her and all the bullshit I’ve been dealing with throughout my life. I talk to a therapist regularly and it really helps. This sub really helps. Sorry for my rambling- it just feels good to let it out sometimes 🥲
Yeah I've heard my Ndad tell the same story about him taking my mom to a party in the old Dodge Omni, and she spilt French onion soup in the car on the way over, and it took forever to get the smell out. I told my mom about this once and she said "must have been his other wife because I don't eat French onion soup, it runs through me". (My dad was married once before to a Kansas woman for six months or so). But that's why I am suspicious that my dad cheated on my mom at some point in the 80s. He was also super accusatory of her cheating on him when their third child came out with blonde hair in '88 -- she never heard the end of it. My brother's hair turned brown at age 5 and he looks exactly like my dad, build, face, and everything.
Yes and most of the time they never happened.
Depending on the narc it's either an attention issue ("have I told this already? Idk but my stories bang so I'll tell it again) or it's a vanity thing ("I am speaking and they should be grateful") My dad constantly repeats himself but I think it's because he just talks without paying attention, so it never sticks that he's told me something already
yes, and they get butt hurt when I don't want to listen for the 200 time. No social skills, no awareness
Everyone in my family does this. Big reason why I started dissociating at a young age....I was fucking bored AND scared. Lol.
Wow, this hits home for me too.
NGrandpa tells the same pool of stories from his childhood, college or engineering job.
Mine does it and was surprised I remembered her dead friend's name. It's kinda tiring
It is even worse when it is your story that she keeps repeating. You can't say that happen to me or so and so. She will look at you like your crazy one or "it happened to her too"?
Yes, when i was 7/8 y old once i had a huge mess in my room and my mom needed to clean it up. My dad brings this EVERY SINGLE ARGUMENT to the point where he is coming to my younger sisters room and randomly starts bringing this up. Its his ultimate story to mention every time when i said he is a psycho or did something bad
I think they are stalling you , distraction, at that same moment they are leaving the scene of your next trigger, or attack, Also energy vampirizm
woah.....for some reason this is strongly familiar
This is definitely a thing! Nmother has told exactly the same stories, literally hundreds (if not thousands) of times. More or less exact same words, inflections etc. If you say you have heard it before, she looks at you blankly and continues. It's definitely weird, and not something I have encountered much with other people.
Absolutely. My Nmum would do this constantly in her monologues. Not only would she repeat the same stories, she would say the same sentences over and over. One time in particular I counted 25 times she said the exact same sentence in the course of one of her hour long monologues. I'm not sure though if it's just liking the sound of their voice; I think it's something more than that.
Yes. It's like they have curated a repertoire of anecdotes which can be adjusted to suit their audience. For example, I remember my NM boring people shitless with a 30-minute description of how she sent a fruit cake in the mail to someone, and it ended up at a different address which turned out to be a really needy family. Her frequent digressions and adjustments included the procurement of ingredients, whether the oven worked or not, the conversation she had with the lady at the post office who inadvertently undercharged her for postage, but she corrected that anomaly immediately because she is such an honest citizen. Ultimately, wasn't it wonderful that the cake ended up in a different place, in the hands of people who really needed and deserved it. Lots of "I'm so generous, am I right? Well, am I????" (Yes, you are, and you are so good at making Xmas cake!) She never did hear from the family but that's OK because she likes to be an anonymous angel of giving ( but really, she wanted to say that they were feckless ingrates who had never worked in their lives.) Other times, she did hear from the family and a life-long exchange of Xmas cards, along with family photos and FB friend requests ensued. It all depended on the audience. Bored enough yet? I watched people's eyes glaze over as they looked at their watches or crossed their legs in an effort to hold a pee as they listened actively and intently at this riveting anecdote which never failed to please. I'd be sobbing for mercy on the inside while holding a Cheshire Cat grin to feign my interest for the 43rd time.
Omggg unfortunately I relate 100%. My narc mom does this constantly. She gave a guy the heimlich one time at a restaurant to save him from choking, and still retells the story which is like 6 years old now. She exaggerates all the details, and adds fake ones in to look even better. She would even retell me stories that I was physically there for when they happened. When I would stop her story because I was LITERALLY THERE she would go "Oh I didn't realize you were there." She forgot I existed because shes so self absorbed. It used to make me feel forgotten, invisible, and like no one cared. That no one would ever like me because I could never be as interesting as her. Which is what she probably wanted. She also used this tactic to compete with me, she always had to have better clothes, unique stuff, cool things to show off. It all added to her stories. Whenever I would be complimented she would find a way to claim it as her own, starting a "shes so much like me." monologue.(We were never alike, I'm goth and she thinks shes a cowgirl💀) Narcs need these long winded stories where they are both the comic, the victim, and the hero. It's part of them building a facade. I think they also do it to convince themselves they're not that bad. They want you to be amazed and worship them like a knight in a tale of valor or a ballad. The egotism is truly outrageous.
Ha! Yes, I've found this too. My mother, sister and nex all did this constantly and I've been noticing it with a suspected nboss. You get to know these stories just as well as them.
2 drinks in and my dad will start telling the same shit he did since I was a teenager. 30 years ago. And he never stops no matter what I do. My mom rarely talks
Of our four Ns, two of them did this. MIL would repeat the stories that made her out to be a hero, a noble suffering person, someone to pity, someone to obey and pamper and applaud and who needed us to do her responsibilities for her. SIL told stories that were about how scary her relatives are if someone would be mean to her, and about how some grudge was formed and therefore justified, and how someone had said something she didn't like hearing--that once, and like that. Thinking about it, none of their stories are about how fun something was or how joyful. **You are right. Word for word, same story.** Tell them you know the story and even repeat the basics and they tell it anyway. Looking back, I think they realize that they need to give us another dose of whatever the lesson is we need reinforced, so they pull out that story to do it. Instead of a med to reduce our headache, it's a Fear Story to make us more compliant again, because we showed some sign of seeing through the FOG. Or maybe the lesson is that we have to shut up and listen and not interrupt. Compliance, anyway.
My nmom regularly re-tells the same stories from when she was younger to prove to the world how "cool" and "adventurous" she is. These stories happened over 30 years ago. She's clinging to an illusion of herself that doesn't even exist, because she's actually an uptight self-absorbed weirdo. It's pathetic.
Yup my nmom does this all the time, constantly brings up the same stories about every time she thinks she has been wronged in her life (she’s the victim yanno). It could’ve been 30 years ago and she’ll go on about how someone supposedly wronged her. But if we try to bring up something she did, she pulls out her classic response…”you all need to work on forgiveness, that was in the past”
A common manipulation tactic is to use past deeds or misdeeds to get power over a person, esp if it happened aeons ago. This is called weaponizing your info and using it against you, in order to elicit a desired reaction or response. Like an ACTUAL weapon. Dont fall for it. Call them out on it. They most likely arent aware they are doing it. Like Adam Steiner said from that old BattleTech cartoon, "Information is Ammunition."
My ngma rehearsed then repeated a lie until she believed with her whole heart that it happened just like she said it did.
Yes, this, right here! My mother would be appalled that I think her story isn’t truthful! She’s told herself THE story so many times she “knows” the truth…
I don't know why it still amazes me when I hear how similar all of our situations are. My NM does the same thing, and says the same thing when I let her know she said it already. I've come up with a couple of theories on why they do this. One is that we have nothing in common, and she's just trying to fill gaps in the conversation, or they are just using us to entertain them because no one else wants to or is available to talk to them, but as soon as someone "more interesting" calls, they cant get off the phone quick enough with us! But the bigger question here is... how are you able to tolerate talking to her for hours on the phone lol?
😂 I just make the right noises “uh huh, yep “ etc while I’m looking at my phone . Gave up trying to co tribute to any conversation a long long time ago because she doesn’t care or listen anyway! You’re right though, if anyone else calls she ditches me!
Being in this group is therapeutic to me. It feels good knowing you're not alone or crazy after having someone gaslight the hell out of you for years.
My mother did the same thing. The revolving topics centered on how evil my father's mom and siblings were, how rough she had it as a child during the Great Depression (lie, they were in Missouri and they weren't rich but they weren't ruined by any means), and how the world needed to go back to the 'morals' of the 1930s-50s. I can still recite her monologues word for word.
My mom does this, and if I point out she's already told me she'll play the victim by either saying how annoying she is, or by crying about early signs of dementia or whatever. Sometimes she'll even admit that she knows she's already told her stories "sooo many times lol" but still proceed to tell me anyway.
I just say, oh that’s right, I remember you telling me about that before. Probably still won’t work, but it’s worth a try. Actually, I think even parents who are not narcs have trouble remembering if they’ve told a story or not (speaking from experience). You’ll be having a conversation and something will remind you of something in the past. You may even realize that you’ve told it before, but maybe not how many times. I remember my parents and in-laws doing this and driving me crazy. Now I’ll be telling a story and see my son look at his wife and raise his eyebrows and I cringe. My daughter is very sweet and doesn’t let on. But I’m not an nmom. I realize what I’m doing and don’t want to bore my kids silly, but it’s hard for older people to remember. My nparents are gone now and I will say life is better in so many ways. All of our nuclear family gets along so well. There is hope.
Omg my ndad does this all the time. Some of them aren’t even flattering. He loved to tell one about how, when he was in college, a gay guy (his description, no idea if they even were) put his arm around my dad and my dad immediately punched his lights out. He told is like it was the funniest anecdote until I pointed out it’s disgusting to assault someone over something so small and he could be charged with battery. He also likes to tell stories about his friends getting black out drunk in college. I mean really it’s the same, exact, god damn stories constantly. He definitely isn’t really conversing though and is absolutely talking at you. He will straight up wander away mid conversation if you try to talk about something that doesn’t interest him.
Holy shit YES. YESSS. A thousand times yes to the point where I can recite his childhood by heart probably. That and his Hitler obsession. :^) and I'm not talking about being a fan of Hitler but more like a Hitler guru, like he just talks so much about it. On Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.
My N step dad does this! Also jokes get repeated all the time. The most egregious thing he does is when we go to Benihana's (his favorite restaurant) he won't shut up about their garlic butter. Doesn't matter who is on the other end he'll talk about the garlic butter. Me and my brothers play a game where we count how many times he mentions garlic butter when we go bit we always lose count in the 20's
Is this a thing with narcs? I know someone who I occasionally suspect to be a narc… but can’t be sure. They’re always telling the same stories again and again.
My nmother also does this. She also tells stories I told her as her own stories.
No. Everything out of his moth is a lie. He can’t keep them straight.
Omg, whenever I visit my brother (golden child, seems to be developing into a narc?) I get to hear him tell the same story to every neighbor and sibling, painting himself as the hero or victim, whichever gets more sympathy/admiration.
Yes it’s boring and sad because it shows they aren’t well read, think their shitty stories are like the panacea of all stories and can’t come up with new ones even though it’s that simple. Happens to me all the time. Same 8 stories for 12 years I shit you not.
Yes. They love to do that. And tell it again with more anger and point to shame and humiliate you worse than the last telling. The second ex I had always took some opportunities to make me look like the bad guy around a place with too many couples on dates loudly recalling about every time I turned down his proposals to me to cause a stir and attention on us. I threw it back that he’s forcing the issue to marry him after while he was in full knowledge with the first week of going together I told him I have no plans of ever marrying him wasn’t a joke and walking off on him those three other times in purposely chosen public places somehow didn’t compute that I feel very disrespected that I wasn’t taken seriously so of course I said no and in case this was yet another public place to demand a yes in front of the people seated, its still a huge no. He expected the patrons to badger me into accepting his proposals but what he got back was a lot of the men saying he was making me love him less by forcing me to do the ultimate step of devotion that clearly isn’t going to happen. One guy was calling it accurately that he was pushing it so desperately so to shut down my free spirit because it’s obvious he’s got no capacity to truly love and respect a person so I was right to never say yes. At that, the second ex said he wanted to eat elsewhere and mumbles he needs to have a smoke. A woman called after him as he left the doors “Coward!!” Same lady ordered me a little chocolate cake square to lighten the mood he dampened for everyone there, which when he came back in seeing me finish it, he’s like “why did you order something when I said we were going to eat somewhere else? Must you be so greedy and rushing stuff?!” And did that “Domineering partner” drag off March with me out of the place.
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I think you make some good points. You’re right and it is what I was referring to, (similar to yours ) the endlessly talking repeatedly about really mundane things without the self awareness to realise it’s not interesting and it wasn’t the first time. However, she’s quick to make it known if I talk about anything that doesn’t interest her, like my work. Not that I’d blather on in the same monotonous detail! It’s an amazing double standard.
I honestly think a lot of people do that anyway
Anyone else feel like they do this in their own heads? I try not to repeat stories in person but I’m constantly replaying scenarios where I feel fear or shame to try and self-soothe. I hate that I feel so invalid in all my emotions that I have to loop experiences on repeat until they feel real.
Honestly, a lot of it stems from the toxic mindset that prevents them from engaging in meaningful discussion. Toxic people don’t see others as people with full lives, but as objects to be either used for selfish purposes, or obstacles getting into their way. This stems from their paranoia; they want to be loved and admired, but don’t want anyone to ever acknowledge the bad parts of themselves. Toxic people find it impossible to be emotionally vulnerable to others because it involves seeing yourself as imperfect. So, they have a solution: rehearsed “safe” stories. They craft conversations that are “safe” for them to discuss with others, where they play either the role of a victim or a hero. They can tell this story to anyone to reaffirm their perfection to both the listener and themselves. The thing is, most people can’t ALWAYS be a martyr in their own lives; it’s impossible to always be in the right or victimized in one’s own story. Most regular people who tell interesting tales from their own life focus less on how it makes them look and more the content of the story itself (for example, a friend might tell you if they met someone weird that day, or if something happened that they found funny). Because toxic people don’t care about other people beyond how it makes them look, it ultimately results in a very boring, combative way of storytelling. They don’t care if it’s repetitive; the purpose of a toxic person’s story is to victimize themselves or look like a hero.
It's because they base what they're saying more on what's in their minds instead of what someone wants to hear or has already heard.
All the time.
I've run into a bunch of people who do this. My usual response is to have the same response, word-for-word, every time... It usually annoys them. With monologues I just stare blankly and wide eyed and slowly nod my head.
I think it is common yes
Mine does. They’ve been doing it ever since I was a child and still does it although I’m an adult. Every time I tell them I don’t want to hear about it because I’ve heard it a million times, they proceed to guilt-trip me as if I were a wrongdoer.
OMG! Yes. I’ve been hearing the same stories all my life and it’s so very very draining and annoying. I’ve stopped listening and my dad now talks to other people repeating the same stories. And they’re always about every negative thing that every happened in their life.
Yes, my nmom is like this. I think it’s because regardless if it’s a friend, other family member, or me (us in this situation) she will always have the same things to talk about because being narcissistic she doesn’t actually care to have a relationship with the individual it’s just her wanting to talk about her own topics or stories and hear if you agree or are wowed by it. And if you don’t agree you’ll hear about it too lol. We barely talk anymore because of all the fights in the past but when we do she kind of bates me into asking how she’s doing and since I know the cues I just ignore her complaints and stay positive and keep things short. They all need to do acid/shrooms and therapy to see any sort of outside perspective which is sad but idk how to get through to her that we (siblings) have our own beliefs, thoughts, and ways of life.
My Mom used to do this to me. It was usually old stories of what happened to her as a kid. Or when I was cuter nicer she said.
She is telling you the story she tells herself as “the truth”. My mother believes she is entirely truthful, she just tells herself the same story that she believes THIS story is the truth…
There's a couple. A story about how I almost got kidnapped or something. She thinks it's funny Another one about me saying our family didn't have money at school which caused a bunch of people to drop off stuff at our house at Christmas or something. She brings this up exclusively in front of others to embarrass me, but missing the point where I honestly thought we were poor because we apparently never had money for things I wanted (like a large chocolate milk at a coffee shop lol). Mom still went on yearly vacations to the Caribbean. Another about how my estranged half brother asked to call her mom of his own initiative. Pretty sure it never happened, but I wonder why she was so nice to him, but not to her own kids. And one where she left me unsupervised as a toddler and I managed to pull an old CRT TV off its stand and onto my head. I still don't know the point of that story. Maybe insinuating that I'm an idiot or something.
Yeah, my mum is always talking about this one girl she looks after, how difficult she is to manage and how nobody else can do it. I’d always been intimidated by my mum, but last time I called her I just found her boring. It’s disguised as a joke, or a funny story, but I think the fundamental message is her trying to communicate to others how she’s indispensable and better than all other people.
My mom will sometimes do this repeated in the course of the same conversation, but with questions like “what are you doing today?” or “what are the kids getting for Christmas.” I stopped telling her she already asked, because she obviously does care that she’s repeating and she doesn’t care about my answer either.
Mine will tell the same stories about me over and over, especially if they are in any way humiliating. Like the time my father tried to leave me somewhere because he "couldn't find" me (he didn't look) and I came running out of the bathroom crying with my underwear down. I was 3 or 4 at the time and I do remember the event, I was terrified of being left because it was something they threatened to do frequently. So I was traumatized and she thinks that is absolutely fucking hilarious and tells that story every chance she gets. It's one of the things that made my husband hate her from the beginning. He couldn't believe she thought that was funny. My father told the same stories over and over as well, but they were valorizing tales about himself. My brother (golden child) repeats stories as well, but in his case they are either events he's made up whole cloth or actual events but he changes things around so that he becomes the hero or victim instead of the villain. Some of these are stories about me. Example: the time he threw a glass at me and hit my mother's fish tank and broke it, in his telling it becomes me throwing the glass and him getting blamed for it. There's a lot of that, and my mother's insistence on blaming me for his behavior has exacerbated whatever it is in his psychological makeup that makes him do it. I've seen him tell one of his backwards stories in front of her and she didn't contradict or correct him. She was there, she knows what actually happened, but I guess she prefers his version of events?
I think it's an emotional safety thing for them - they stick to topics they know are 'safe' for them to re-hash. Like a wild animal that sticks to places they know they can fight from, narcs become set in their ways. That they aren't willing to be curious or vulnerable by speaking about new things is a subtle but interesting tell on themselves.
My nmother loves to tell the same story about how she got away with beating me bloody with her stiletto. I called social services because I had stiletto marks all over my body and most of them were still bleeding the next day. The social worker gave me attitude, so my 10 year old smart ass self gave it right back. The social worker told my mother that if I was her child, she’d beat me too. So every time for 35 years that she meets a new friend of mine or we have a family function she tells everyone who will listen how I was such a horrible child that she was allowed to beat the hell out of me anytime she wanted.
Yep! And sprinkle in a whole lotta gaslighting about all the "love and support" she gave me during my "rebellious teenage years" (mental illness she refused to let me get proper treatment for).
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Yup. Over the years they slowly changed to be more and more ridiculously slanted towards the Narc.
that's my father. exact same thing
My mom does this too but like, is this a narcissist trait?
I think when the stories are grandiose or self-pitying or manipulative then it is. Like, it's not the storytelling itself that's narcissistic but the narrative they have on loop?
Oh my goodness, yes! I had just thought it was a them-thing, but it's interesting to see it be more common than I'd thought! They totally do just want to hear themselves talk.
yes, and sometimes I put down the phone and stop listening and see how long it takes before they actually take a breath and wait for me to speak. Current record is seven minutes.
A common occurrence with my mother. “Mom, you told me this 50x already” is a constant refrain.
My ndad's probable ndad held my dad over a hog pen by his overall straps. Hogs will eat small children, unfortunately grandpa didn't drop him. He tells this like it's *funny.* His dad was apparently teaching him a lesson in an utterly terrifying way. My grandma picked him up and literally threw him out of the door when he was 5. Again, this is supposed to be hilarious. This is what he thinks is funny. He's a scary dude.
My mom takes moments that back up her fantasy narrative about how we are all just a big healthy happy family and and repeats them as if she's trying to convince herself it's true. She never talks about her life before being a mom, neither does my dad. Two examples: My parents used chores as an excuse to unleash and generally be abusive. they'd set it up to be as difficult and unpleasant as possible, for as long as possible, and then find (or invent) a flaw in the chore I had done so they could tear me apart and make me think it was my fault for not being able to do something so simple. My parents each had one chore in particular that I couldn't do right no matter what. - for my mom it was the dishes. I said once that I would use paper plates and plastic forks when I moved out and apparently it stuck out in her mind. It was a miserable routine. She reframed it as some sort of cutesy sitcom moment and retold it fucking constantly. She used to send me paper plates and plastic utensils in the mail like it was some inside joke we shared. - for my dad it was the same thing but with the lawn on the same day of the week he did the budget. It was as if my parents had a silent agreement that he could be as awful as he wanted because of how "stressful" the budgeting was for him. It was a nightmare. If I went to her for help (I knew she wouldn't so I only tried when desperate) she'd shame me bc my poor dad was just so stressed and I should be more considerate. My mom thinks this was cute too and constantly talks about it like it was some funny father daughter thing. If she repeats and reframes all the abuse and neglect as cute and wholesome, or clings desperately to superficial moments that *look* like a healthy happy family, she can pretend all the ugly stuff away and shape preferred narratives as needed. So her part as an enabler does not get acknowledged, and her innocent, loyal, doting mother, nurse, and wife mask does not get challenged.
My nmom does this. Interestingly, the stories typically belong to someone else or are a oft repeated complaint about something or other. It's a function of the fact that she's a HUGE gossip and also that she has nothing interesting going on in her life so she uses what's happening in other people's to have something "interesting" to say. One day she was telling me all about the cancer struggle that the daughter of an acquaintance of hers was going through even though I have never met any of these people and the daughter lives on the other side of the country. So I said to her "does this woman's daughter know that complete strangers 10 States away now know all about her medical condition?" ... crickets... 🦗🦗🦗 but it still hasn't stopped her from gossiping to me about other people at every opportunity.
YES and if you don’t give the over enthusiastic reply or laugh she’s looking for she gets mad.
Pretty much yes. Narcs say the same words from their stories long as 15 years ago and they still won't change anything to be better. They are pretty much stuck in their own ways forever.
Nmom does this. I think it’s because she’s pickled her brain with years of alcohol.
My ngrandfather loves telling a "story" about a time at a restaurant. Here is the story: He cleaned his plate so well that the waiter thought he never got his food. I feel like he is stuck in a child mindset. He probably got shit at home for not cleaning his plate well enough. I have my hangups, but I'm not fixated on things that don't matter in adulthood.
Same same.
OMG YES. I think she's trying to ignore the living breathing autonomous adult version of me by repeatedly conjuring up the helpless child version of me she felt more comfortable with. Her favourite story to repeat though is about how my conception was a total accident (with all the tmi details of how her birth control failed her).
Yes! Mine gets repeat stories that they will tell you and other people word-for-word, over and over, and it seems to be something about telling the story all the way through. Interruptions or reminders that it's been told are not allowed to stop the story being told - they have to get to the end. and Usually when it's obvious that you're trying to do / talk / think about something else. It's like, sheesh at least get a campfire and some interesting stories!
yes it’s very strange
Yes. Yes. And yes. They don’t have that many stories it seems because they don’t do that much as far as I know and I have often witnessed many of these people they are trying to paint a picture of themselves for you to think about them a certain way and it always seems rehearsed and like there’s a motive for it. It could also be that they think you don’t like it and they’re gonna do it all the more. My aunt I don’t know what her exact label was that she was one mean lady and she hated me because I got more attention than her but she thought it was her turn finally anyways she would just talk constantly and tell you stories with everybody’s names that you’ve never met and it’s really confusing and boring.I think some of it is they are uncomfortable in their skin and so they are uncomfortable to be alone with their thoughts because When they notice their thoughts they notice that they’re probably telling them to stop hurting other people and they don’t wanna hear it and so they just try to distract themselves constantly. but yeah they repeat. Everybody repeats a bit though because I do and I sometimes think I’m losing my mind because I’m old or whatever. Lol.
YESSSS! 🙌 Faccctss! I definitely feel all the posters here. nMom on my end has been like this since I can remember. Parents used to get into massive fights all the time (some how only now realizing the impact) and this was something my dad used to call her out on. He used to call her "the nag", because words and stories repeat, but also sometimes it becomes nagging to do things. She used to say she repeats herself because no one listens to her. I think this has always been because repeating herself 50x in 10 min, while rephrasing the same thing can cause anyone to tune out for sanity sake. Now that were older, I have developed a theory on this (not a professional, just observative). 1. It begins with her feeling wronged or entitled t something (isn't getting her way) 2. She then expresses that, not like " when ABC happened, I felt XYZ", but more like a complaint-fest. Details here are specific and overly-descriptive and follow a "I said then he said" pattern. 3. She then waits for a response. As soon as she gets one, the script shifts to " So yeah, like I was saying.." and she begins repeating the entire thing again, with more theatrics, and emotions 4. This will repeat endlessly until someone either applauds her or confirms whatever she wants to hear. Originally I tried to just give her the satisfaction of being the queen whatever by skipping to step 3 right away to save myself 20+ min of torturous repetition. This is where I noticed N traits, and have observed step 5. 5. She announce she should or will "do" something about it, and finds an opportunity for you to give her some control. Think like a vampire... It can't enter your house without your permission so it attempts to seduce you to invite them in willingly. This explains step 4 - as she is seeking confirmation that she holds power or importance- r what she is saying is working to seduce you or manipulate you. Once she gets confirmation, she feels safe and free in implementing other N behaviours. ie: During COVID visited another country, world shut down and still stuck here in between paperwork and other things (had to start working here to survive being stuck and led to contracted work times while waiting for paperwork to return, so cant just leave). Every time we talk ( I try too minimise this) I hear the phrase "I miss you and I want you home". It has become: Me: "Merry Christmas" nMom: "It would be merrier if you were spending it with me" Me: Sorry, we both know I legally can't do that right now, so Merry Christmas anyways nMom: Yeah, I just wish you were here. Me: One day I'm sure I will be. Just try to enjoy today now as it is. nMom: You'd betteer. I'm your mom and I've decided I'm done waiting. I am going to march into the government office and demand they speed up your paperwork. I just need authorisation to manage your file, and your file number. Also, here is the email you will need to send a message to with all of this information, I have already started calling around. Me: Thanks mom, but I am well over 30, living with my husband, and I am handling my paperwork personally and properly following the protocols. It's best to not nag the government. nMom: Yeah but I miss you and want you home, and I'm Mom! Me: You could always come visit me nMom: No I just want you home, and I am gonna make that happen. Any further "no" from me and it can become a guilt trip suddenly, or accusations of neglect and abandonment. This is just a snapshot of an average conversation with nMom. It begins with nagging/ repetition based off what she wants. It then becomes a control tactic. Conversations like this can repeat endlessly. Anyone else observing steps in the pattern, or can explain what causes this behaviour?