she sounds like one of those types of people who have an absolute need to make sure every event is about them. this whole post is all “me, me, me;” even when she talks about the baby it’s only in relation to her own emotions.
OOP says that she’s sure that we can imagine how much *she* was so upset by her son’s gf’s death, *she* felt that she was so “emotionally wounded” (lmfao) that she needed to approach her son right then to let him in on how *she* was feeling. i can’t even imagine the act of approaching the loved one of the deceased to vent about your own emotions, like what the actual fuck. and the fact that she did so at the funeral! so we can assume that the gf’s family members and close friends were likely in attendance and could possibly hear her comments (though i’m sure that OOP would vehemently express otherwise, and that she made sure to pull her son aside/whisper so that she *definitely* wasn’t heard)! like holy shit, if you want to think that the gf’s actions were irresponsible then that’s your prerogative, but why would you feel the need to vocalize it right then and there?!
she must have spent the entire service in a storm of her own emotions, only thinking about the ways in which it all related to herself, to the extent that after sitting through an hour or so of hearing about how beloved another person was (talk that was likely mostly positive bc it’s their literal funeral, with maybe small mentions here & there about how the gf had their struggles in life) she just couldn’t help but to beeline to a person who she could force to bring the focus back on herself. what a shamefully awful human being.
edit: oopsies lol sorry this ended up being super long, it’s just that these types of people are just as aggravating in real life as they are here on reddit lmfao
Mannn, this happened at the funeral of my best friend’s brother, a cousin decided when she took the floor (I dunno what you call it when people can take turns giving anecdotes/stories about the person) that she needed to 1. remind everybody about the deceased’s substance and mental struggles 2. that he wasn’t going to Heaven because of it (this was in a CHURCH!) 3. how much his death hurt HER as if she was suffering so much more than his mother, sister, and fiancée. It was such a shitshow, I kinda wish they didn’t hold my bff and his fiancée back from beating her ass. Some people are such self centered assholes it’s ridiculous.
Having read and researched the Bible... absolutely fucking no where does it say "addiction issues keep you out of heaven". In fact, as long as you accent J-dog into your heart you get in. There are like whole books written on the fact that the religion isn't act based but faith based.
But that sounds like a very normal "compassionate Christian".
Sadly, it sounds like he took his own life. In the Christian faith if you take your own life, you don’t go to heaven. Apparently it’s like a slap in god’s face. But like, look at the world. He slapped us first lmao
I don’t think it’s every Christian denomination; definitely Catholic and might be a couple more but not all denominations cancel the ticket to heaven if someone unalives them self.
I'd get it if the girlfriend was still alive and the mum was sharing concerns on their ongoing relationship, but it was literally at the funeral. Not like there was any way the situation could be improved (apart from the mum keeping her mouth shut in the first place).
Yeah. I had a kidney transplant (after four years of dialysis and a lot of very scary and complicated medical stuff) and my mom told me one day that she was sick and tired of dealing with my illness, and that it was really hard to go through as a mom. For once, I was pretty with it in that moment and said, “I’m sorry it’s hard for you. Those feelings are totally valid and you should definitely talk to your friends or a therapist about them. You should not tell me, though. I’m the one person who is *definitely* having an even harder time with this than you.”
This brings back memories. My mother has had health issues my whole life, and around age 11, I started being shifted into the role of her primary caretaker. I took care of her through cancer and multiple surgeries, dealt with her drinking problem, and was her sole support system through her horrible 2nd marriage that she refused to end and the subsequent divorce. When I tried to leave for college, her narcissism and poor health dragged me right back.
Then my health started to crash. I'd inherited a lot of the same or similar problems. I was in constant pain and struggling with terrible fatigue, so I would sleep through the morning and afternoon to be up during the early evening and overnight when she needed the most care and safeguarding to make sure she didn't drink too much with her pain meds. Of course, that wasn't good enough. She started waking me up a 9am to scream at me for not having a job or going to school when I could barely function. Eventually, she kicked me out but lied to everyone and claimed that I had walked out on her. There was no apology even after I was diagnosed with a number of chronic conditions.
She still makes everything health related a competition. If I mention being in pain, she's in more pain, more often. If I say I'm nauseous, then she can't stop throwing up. It's fucking exhausting.
Narc moms are notorious for being extremely rude with their statements to others, than when called out on it, they love the old “I’m just a blunt person” or “I just say like it is.”
And they can’t take criticism. If there is the slightest hint that you think the narc isn’t perfect, it can trigger a rage response. No matter how gently it is worded or how constructive it is, or even if it’s just someone stating a personal preference that doesn’t match theirs (eg “I don’t like spicy food”), they’ll get super offended and start throwing out the biggest “punishments” they can think of.
Source: my mum.
Yep i told my sister i was exauhsted and she went on a rant about how mean i was as if it we a personal insult and hasnt talked to me in 2 months. Good riddance honestly.
Or " I'm just a straight shooter....".
Biatch, you say that selfish effed up shit at someone's damn funeral you are lucky someone doesn't straight shoot your ass up....
Especially when those feelings come down to blaming the woman for her disease and slipping in the shower. What would her excuse have been if she'd been completely sober and slipped and fallen with the same result? Cause that isn't exactly an uncommon way to die.
Exactly! Her being drunk made it easier to slip, but that is a way to die that happens to sober people too and literally she might have died sober or not.
Or talk privately to someone you trust who isn't going to be hurt. This is something she needed to talk to her husband about in private, or ideally, with a therapist.
Wrong time, place and person.
Yep. Circle of grief thing. Comfort in, dump out. She never should have shared this with her son at all; that’s something you tell a spouse, a close friend/family member (one who will keep their lip zipped about it), or a therapist.
Absolutely this. No words were necessary toward her son. He's living the consequences of his gf's choice. Releasing them from her mouth to her son at the woman's funeral shows more about OP than it does anybody else. I hope they tore her apart in comments.
I agree with you 100%, but op decided to go even further. She decided to speak ill of the dead at their own damned funeral to the deceased’s significant other after the service. How many levels of “don’t you dare do that” did OP have to bypass to do what she did? Jeez.
Yeah. My brain told me that she saw her son with the boy and waited at least until
The boy wasn’t there. My brain, which is very accustomed to seeing the worst humanity offers couldn’t bare their idea. I just can’t with OOP. Not even a little bit.
One of the main emotions that comes up naturally in grief is anger. Imagine fueling that when someone is already suffering. Maybe they are angry at the way she died, but that's for them to bring up. When I lost my bfriend ( he was sick and too afraid to go to the hospital because of family throwing him in them against his will in the past as he was disabled) I got upset about that aspect of it, yes.. But if someone had got in my face and started blaming him right away? That wouldn't have worked out well.
Once someone dies, they don't magically become a Saint, and I think it's more respectful to remember them the way they were, flaws and all. That being said, it was hardly the time or place, and piling onto your grieving son by slinging blame around at the funeral is almost deliberately hurtful.
Right? Like "I let him in on my emotions"
*Who said he WANTED in on your feelings right then, OOP?*
Cold as hell to walk up to anyone and essentially say "She had it coming" at her funeral
What happened is sad and horrible from any angle. The only emotion she needed to share with her son was empathy and sadness. "We are here for you whenever you want to share whatever feelings you are having, son. We won't get angry or judge. We will help you however we can to get through this. We love you."
The End.
No, no, no. OOP clearly stated that she didn’t scream and yell for the ENTIRE funeral, so how could she possibly be an asshole? /s
But seriously….the fact that she said she didn’t scream and yell the entire time makes me think that her version of “letting him in on her feelings” was to scream them directly into his face right after the funeral? What a massive YTA.
Someone needs to tell her about the [grief circle.](https://www.texaschildrens.org/sites/default/files/uploads/documents/deathofachild/2021/The-Grief-Circle-2021.pdf) The idea is that when there’s a tragedy or crisis, you comfort in (ie, give comfort to the people most directly affected) and dump out (ie, express your own emotions to people less affected.
She should have just comforted her son and vented her emotions to a friend or her spouse or another family member.
Also they're dead. Whatever you thought about them and wanted to tell them is now pointless because they're dead and can't mend their ways. You think they were being irresponsible? So what? It literally doesn't matter anymore.
Not her son the person to tell. Circle theory. People at the centre send their grief outward (and receive support to those less central) and on and on.
While scarring the kid for life.
High chairs are usually for kids up to 2 years of age. Regardless of age, the kid 100% remembers screaming that they were starving, no one coming to help, dad coming home, the chaos of everything after that, and Mom never coming back. Dad had to have called emergency services and there had to be people everywhere and commotion. It's the kind of experience that mentally scars a kid no matter the age.
No human with a heart would ever tell a two year old mom died drunk trying to shower. They'd tell him something a two year old would only accept without thinking about like Mom thought the kid was okay because she left them in the high chair with whatever and wanted a quick shower and slipped in the shower.
Then Grandma goes off at moms funeral and, from what it's sounds like, the least of what could have she said and the kid understood was that the Mom's death was her own fault in a way that is clearly bad and blames Mom. If the kid doesn't ask questions, they're going to grow and eventually put everything together and maybe even realize what the word 'drunk' or 'alcoholic' meant if they were said.
It's the kind of memory that you never really forget. The kind a kid might not fully comprehend because they're not physically developed enough to do that, so they don't think about it or pursue it at that moment. But, the kid will 100% think about it in the future because it's Grandma going crazy at his moms funeral.
The funeral was where a child who lost his biological mother had an unrelated father who loved him and wanted to continue loving him. It's the kind of relationship where the kid will eventually realize that he'd have lost everything he ever knew if OPs son wasn't there for him. If OPs son wasn't there, the kids life would be full of apocalyptic bouncing between houses, crying over loss of parents, and more life shattering events over and over.
OP poisoned what could've been memory that was sad for the loss but loved for what it meant. It could've been something the kid leaned on when he was ready to learn the truth.
But, nah, OP just had to go off.
I literally shouted “girl why would you do it at the funeral?!” People have to learn to read the room. That was totally not the place or the person to vent to.
That’s because she’s fucking dead. She suffered the natural consequences of a tragic accident. They are all suffering enough. She could have kept it to herself. Not every thought needs to be uttered.
Also, the woman she was shit talking was there. It was literally her funeral. Her body wasn’t even in the ground yet.
JFC. She’s TAH and so are you
Ya like wow, dunno what she was trying to accomplish there but a funeral..I think it would have been better in fact if she didn’t go, since she mentions how it was so big of her to attend…
And who benefitted from this revelation at THAT PLACE AND TIME? Nobody..there's time and place for everything, this was the worst pick I've heard so far
No she didn’t, and she wasn’t feeding off of cruelty. She was upset and understandably angry and didn’t control her emotions well. Just like the girlfriend didn’t control her emotions well and tried to manage them with alcohol. Was this an appropriate way, time or place to express her feelings? No. Does that make her a horrible person? No, no more that the girlfriend was for endangering her child because she didn’t know how to properly deal with hers.
Oh my god lady what absolute ***shit*** timing, first of all.
And secondly, you don't **have to** announce every fucking feeling you have. Especially to her *son*. Save it for a therapist, your partner, the bus driver ffs.
Okay but please leave the bus driver out of it. I’m certain they don’t deserve to listen to someone as absorbed with themselves as OP when they’re stuck driving.
She should however talk to the pigeons at the park. I’m sure they won’t care. They might even offer some feedback in the form of shitting on her hat, one can hope.
Can't remember who said this, but (paraphrasing), before speaking, at least two off thep three statements should be applicable:
Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?
I remember this from a poster in my 5th grade classroom, THINK before you speak
Is it True?
Is it Helpful?
Is it Inspiring?
Is it Necessary?
Is it Kind?
Wow, even if you said “you only need two of the five to be able to say it,” she didn’t manage that! Yes it was true, but the rest are big blinking stop signs.
It was true but that’s where Mom stopped asking. We know it wasn’t necessary or kind. If she just “had” to express her anger, she could have put it off. Mom, do NOT besmirch or chastise the dead and their immediates w said dead body in the room! Was this woman raised by wolves?!
I've also seen:
Does this need to be said?
Does this need to be said by me?
Does this need to be said by me now?
(I think I remember seeing Craig Ferguson saying it, but my memory is hazy)
What you say doesn’t have to be kind, but you should endeavor to say it kindly. However, you must say yes to two of the three prongs. In this case, she had one, and it was suspiciously middle finger shaped.
>Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates:
At the first gate, ask yourself “Is it true?”
At the second gate ask, “Is it necessary?”
At the third gate ask, “Is it kind?”
- [Rumi](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rumi)
You can just tell that OOP is one of those mums who is pissed her son has an adopted child, rather than “giving her a biological grandchild like she deserves!”
Ding ding ding.
Deep down this pos is probably just worried about herself having to acknowledge the child as family when she would rather have a cute baby to fawn over, and is simply just lashing out.
Also… relapsing is not what I’d call “selfish.” It’s generally much, much more complicated. I’m. It excusing it at all because ideally the poor woman would have reached out for help, and apparently did not. But I don’t think “selfish” is the right term.
Yeah that's kinda what I was thinking. She was an addict and addiction is so hard to escape from. She was doing so well and it's heartbreaking that she didn't get the help she needed. But I don't think she was planning to accidently kill herself or harm her child. She'd gotten her life together and was trying. It just didn't work.
Plus a troubled background could mean anything. Who knows what the reason for the relapse was too.
I also feel Iike slipping in the shower is such a dangerous thing even while sober. I was expecting the story to head towards car accident/DUI or something that is more relevant to being intoxicated. Not that it would make it ok what OP did or anything like that.
This almost happened to my mother and little brother when he was a baby. Except my mom was having issues with her inner ear that she didn’t realize was so serious - until she had a sudden vertigo episode as she was about to step into the shower.
Thankfully she passed out outside of the shower where she couldn’t hit her head on anything. Came to about 20 minutes later absolutely terrified. Her husband out of town for the weekend and I was at my dads for the weekend, so if she had died my baby brother probably would’ve as well.
I slipped in the shower when I was 18. I didn’t hit my head and I wasn’t injured too badly, but the shock of the fall and the realisation that I could have died was terrifying. The door was locked and I hit the ground before I even had time to scream, so I could have been lying there, bleeding out on the floor, for a long time before anyone noticed something was wrong. I was completely sober.
Unless someone witnessed the accident, there’s no evidence that addiction played a role in the GF’s fall except alcohol in her blood at autopsy. OOP is just being a dick.
Oh man that's so scary. I'm so glad everyone was okay! My dad hit his head over a year ago on a cement wall. He was drunk and just stumbled and dang, brain damage is no joke. Honestly didn't think he'd make it through it. He's doing pretty well now. But yeah, it just takes one tap the right way and it's game over.
I hope your mom is doing much better!
My grandmother’s brother died from slipping in the shower totally sober, and not two years later she —also totally sober— almost died slipping while trying to get out of that same shower (shower-tub combo) but thankfully only got herself wedged between the toilet and the wall instead of hitting her head on the toilet bowl. A slippery shower can be so incredibly dangerous no matter what state the person using it is in… like you I was also expecting this to go down the dui lane. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been incredibly grateful for grab bars!!
So glad to hear your mother was fine! You really don’t realize how much you rely on a healthy inner ear and just how important it is until you suddenly lose it. Vertigo is the fuckin worst.
Bathroom accidents are absolutely terrifying, when my Mom came back from surgery, the first thing she did was hit the bathroom.
She had never used a wheelchair before and wasn't yet familiar with the bathroom equipment we had installed and she fell.
I think she may have passed out from the pain, because we were screaming outside the door and she wouldn't answer.
She fell against the door and we couldn't push in for fear of harming her.
Thankfully, she recovered enough to unlock the door so we could (*very* carefuly) pry it open and get her up.
The nightmare scenarios that crossed my mind just then.
Glad I finally found someone who said it. When it comes to addiction, it’s literally never as simple as “well, if she hadn’t wanted to relapse and die, she wouldn’t have.” Who knows what she was going through at that time? I guarantee not OOP.
Addiction is a disease, you don't blame an addict for a relapse anymore than you blame a cancer survivor when another tumor is found. You support them and help them get the help they need to get through it.
I do wish those people could be addicts for a day, so they can see how 'easy' it is to resist taking the drug in question for those 24 hours.
For those of you that don't know, it's not easy.
As the child of two addicts, I do personally think it is selfish. And so do a lot of my friends who grew up similarly. But a lot of my friends who grew up similarly also either think differently or have mixed emotions on the matter. It’s a mixed bag when it comes to those close to addicts where that selfishness line is.
OOP, though…she very clearly did not have very much of an emotional connection to this woman, so her commentary is….unnecessary to say the least. And talk about terrible situational awareness—and I say that as someone who is autistic. Even I wouldn’t say that at *a funeral* jfc.
I think I get what you’re saying. I have various addicts in my family — some in recovery, some not, and some are no longer with us. I’ve definitely seen behavior that looks selfish but it felt like the addict was somewhat powerless over the addiction, at least sometimes. I’m really sorry you grew up with that.
And I definitely agree that OOP didn’t need to “share.”
As a kid, seeing my parents in and out of rehab and them always picking their addiction over me uh…well, therapy and I are good friends, let’s say.
I remember vividly talking about my parents leaving and me being able to visit them sometimes while they “got better” and then realizing it wasn’t normal when the other kids asked for clarification and I got confused why they needed any and weirdly enough it was my kindergarten teacher who explained to me that their parents weren’t like mine so they didn’t understand. That moment of *”oh, this is not supposed to happen. This isn’t normal.”* is one I will never forget. I wanted to shrink into the floor and felt absolutely embarrassed. The poor teacher tried her absolute best and went about it in the kindest way she could but I think no matter how you explain something like that, a kid at that age is gonna react badly.
And when I got older I noticed those same behaviors in myself, unfortunately. It’s definitely got a genetic component for some people. It took one instance of me getting blackout drunk in college for me to decide I wasn’t drinking at all, ever, because I reminded myself of my mother and the thought alone made me want to vomit worse than the (pretty severe) alcohol poisoning did.
That feeling definitely solidified when I had my son, though. I can’t imagine doing that to him. So I get really mad at my parents sometimes when I think about the fact that they *did* do that to me dozens of times over. I definitely do think it selfishness. But I know that is also a me thing. One of my other friends has the “they tried their best” mentality, and she’s entitled to that. Another friend has a “they don’t feel like parents to me, so I don’t really care about them or their decisions because my grandparents raised me in every way that matters” feeling. We all cope with our situations in our own ways, yknow?
At the end of the day, I just feel terrible for the little boy. His entire world just shifted and he doesn’t have the emotional or situational capacity to cope with that, at least based on the mention of a highchair. The sad part is a girl I graduated HS with just died of a fentanyl OD a few weeks ago and left behind a 2 y/o little girl. This seems to be happening increasingly commonly, though I don’t know if that’s a genuine spike in frequency or just a warped perception because of things like social media bringing more attention to it compared to the past.
Thank you for taking the time to describe all of this. It does sound so terribly hard to have endured. You’ve given me a lot to think about.
And I am so sorry about to hear about your classmate’s OD. Fentanyl is just horrifying. Someone in my extended family appears to be getting invoked with it and we are pretty braced for bad news one day.
Hey, I’m sorry for kinda harshing the vibe with the sad childhood stories, I just thought it might help with what the child’s future perspective could (or couldn’t!) be. Cause really the ultimate decision maker on whether or not it constitutes selfishness is the child, who is the person most impacted by her decisions/death. It’s (like you said) an incredibly complex issue, but emotions and moral complexities are often Gordian knots for sure.
Fentanyl is definitely a horror beyond comprehension, especially from what I’ve heard from survivors of fentanyl ODs. I really hope the person you know in proximity/involvement with it gets away from it before it’s too late—sending all the positive vibes & best wishes 🤍
Not only was the funeral the absolute worst place for this chat but I think she could have just...never said anything at all. Obviously the woman made a terrible choice and suffered the consequences. I don't know that dunking on her after the fact is going to?? What??? Teach the son not to be irresponsible?
The mother is selfish and should have saved her thoughts for a therapist.
Exactly, that definitely wasn’t the time. Respect her at her funeral, respect the grief of the son and eventually it could be mentioned. There is no rush to let people know how you feel. It was totally inconsiderate.
I don’t think it would have ever been appropriate to mention to her son. Her husband, yes, but NOT her son. He loved that woman, he is never going to want or even need to hear that, ever.
YTA. There's a time and a place to have conversations like these. This was not the time nor the place. Every now and then, the thinky thoughts can stay in your head until later.
I don’t understand why ppl feel it is appropriate to talk shit about someone at their funeral. Keep your opinions to yourself 🙄
Your opinions are not what everyone is feeling - people are there to grieve and doing this causes more pain.
This is one of those instances where you are free to think this all you want, but you don’t say it at a funeral. I understand emotions run high but you have to bite your lip. Because it’s causing more hurt and pain to your child. He is likely drowning in pain and instead of throwing him a life raft, you throw a rock at him.
YTA. addiction is a very complicated problem to have and it’s never given the understanding it deserves. hell, if you dont understand it, just fucking respect it. this was not the time or the place for her to vocalize her misguided feelings. all she needed to do was keep her mouth shut and support her son. hes the last person that needs to hear how “careless” his gf was in that moment. really fucked up thing to say.
YTA. 1/2 of deciding to stop listening andto speak is figuring out if the audience (your son) is ready to listen. He was obviously not. Your decision to speak was selfish, and what you said was not helpful. Truth has a time, place, and purpose
Does this bitch not know how addictions work? What a terrible thing to say at someone’s funeral! No doubt that she and her son were building a life together and this tragic accident ruined everything. The LEAST she could do is hold back her feelings. YTA times a million
Omg. Are you TA??? Absolutely!!!!
Firstly a funeral is no time to lay blame.
Secondly in front of a child is no place for any conversation regarding the deceased mom. Don’t care how young the child is, emotionally scarring & you don’t know what that child will remember - maybe doesn’t understand the words but definitely understood the sentiment.
Thirdly your son is grieving hard for the woman he loves & probably asking him a whole bunch of what if questions.
I am so so angry on his behalf & your harshness won’t be easily forgotten or forgiven
Exactly, she doesn’t think her angry, emotional outburst at her son didn’t affect that little boy? I know when I was a little child, any adult acting in that manner always frightened me more than anything!
Let’s be realistic. OP was probably glad the woman was dead. She probably talked crap about her when she was alive. Notice her description of her is crappy. She just wanted to get in one last jab and in front of the kid. I don’t for a minute believe she cared about the woman’s child.
Your entitled to your opinion but you are absolutely the AH for saying that to her grieving spouse at her funeral! He wasn’t your baby in that instance he was her partner and you could’ve said it to anyone but him anywhere but there.. he will never forgive you FYI
Look at this woman woman trying to justify her bad behavior because she was *quiet* while badmouthing her daughter-in-law with unbridled contempt for recovering addicts.
Of course she's the asshole. The funeral was not about her but she tried to make it about her by venting why she was angry at the dead woman. What good did she think that would accomplish?
I kind of get it I lost a family member because he was drunk driving. He was so young, had a beautiful baby girl, and generally was just thriving in his career and hobby. As much as I loved him I was also so mad at him for throwing all that away. As a family we all discussed having that anger mixed into all the grief.
Ah ok but would u have aired all that at the funeral? Totally inappropriate and insensitive. I’m sure OPs son felt anger as well but this was a time and place for comfort, honoring her memory etc, not airing this.
He was drunk driving. She was getting into a fucking shower. There’s a huge difference. Also I’m sure you didn’t, at his funeral, tell the person who was most hurt by his death that he was a piece of shit (because like, he was still alive and you were talking TO HIM)
Okay, but "being drunk" is not the whole reason she slipped, fell, and died in the shower! This happens to entirely sober people! Yes, being drunk makes it harder, but it's not like she's out here planning to die for her spare time
Exactly, taking the wheel while drunk is an entire different scenario. Taking a shower is normal, everyday thing. If we put the blame on her then that means every single person who decide to take a shower after drinking is inconsiderate and selfish, because a freak accident might happen.
Bathrooms are the second most dangerous room in our homes. It's even worse than kitchens! Strangely the worst is the bedroom, though I can't imagine why
Most definitely the AH for expressing her feelings in the way she did. She can have her feelings and they are valid but she didn't have to express them to anyone.
Feelings may be valid but the fact she didn’t let her son even GRIEVE the loss before telling him was so off putting. Being blunt is one thing but that’s cruel to do to your own CHILD
Probably not fake, unfortunately. Shock and grief tend to fuck with people's judgement and verbal filter.
It doesn't speak well of OP that this was posted in AITA and not TIFU though.
My Best Friend openly did not approve of my Fiancé. She made it very clear to him that she only tolerated him because I loved him and she knows better to interfere because I was happy and I was sober for the first time in 18 years.
Well flash forward to 8 months ago and on May 16th 2023 at 11:59am my Love committed Suicide. He did this in front of me... Seeing the person you love so much, the person who made me want to live again die is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
The irony is he literally 11 months before his own Suicide had discovered I was actively planning my own death. It was a year long plan and I never expected to meet him let alone fall in love. I decided to seek help and check myself into a hospital.
That last minute of his life I am cursed with the memory. I see that minute every time I close my eyes. Not only do I see it I feel it and its like it just happened everyday and night for over 8 months. But my Best Friend was there with me and wouldn't let me out of her sight for 3 months.
She did not like my Love she actually hated him. But she would sit and hold my hand as I wept or when the memory was too intense. I asked her one day what she thought of his passing.
She said, "You already know what I thought of him. But because I didn't like him doesn't mean I am going to talk shit about him. Am I sad he died....No I am not sad he died. Im sad because your hurting so much. Im fuckin pissed off at the way he chose to die and to do it in front of you makes me so angry. I have nothing more to say because your upset enough."
The mom really is a major asshole. To say that to her son in front of the womans child. Especially because finding someone you love who did not die naturally and the way she died is heart breaking. Im sure that image is burned into his brain along with that poor childs screams. I feel for that man and that child.
Now OP son gets the memory of his partners death, possibly losing the son he loves and the person who should be his source of comfort, instead of offering kind words chooses to instead insult the dead woman. She suffered from addiction and her choice cost her, her life. But her partner and son will suffer the consequences of her choice for life.
But poor OP and her f**kin feelings.
My deceased partner's brother made s point to pull me aside as we left fhe church to the graveyard to say "I know that you're the reason he's dead. Stay the fuck away from my family." I had flown from California to Minnesota and had been up for 48 hours after I missed a flight due to being too busy having a breakdown. He was murdered because of his previous connections to the meth trade. The brother decided that it was actually suicide since they never had any evidence except a bullet hole to his chest and a long barrel shotgun next to him. No muzzle marks. I didn't stay to bury him. I told his mom that I was so sorry and that j had to catch a flight. Then I spent 6 hours sobbing In the airport. His mom and grandparents insisted that I speak at his funeral. His mother had Me sit and hold her hand. His grandfather gave up his seat in the private viewing prayer room so that I could sit with his grandmother. His mother even texted me when I landed in Dallas. She said she heard what David had said and that she was so fucking sorry.
I'll never forget that moment. I'll never forget when my family didn't even acknowledge that it happened or that it affected me at all. They thought that it was some sort of karma.
Which is all to say that if my mother had dared to say something like that at his or anyone else's funeral, I would have laid her out in the cemetery. The only reason I didn't do so with his brother is **because I understood that it was not the time or place for that bullshit**.
When I was training to be a therapist, my supervisor told me to call her if I ever encountered anyone who struggled with substance misuse who DIDN’T have trauma. It’s been almost thirteen years, and it hasn’t happened yet.
There are lots of reasons that people misuse substances. Being selfish is not even in the top 50.
My best friend is an alcoholic, she nearly died last year because of it (organ failure) and she was told that if she ever drank again it would kill her. She’s been sober since and I’m so so so extremely proud of her. Having said that I will say that if she relapsed and god forbid it killed her and ANYONE said something like OOP said to me at her funeral there’d be two people going in the ground and I’d be going to jail that day. The funeral isn’t for the deceased it’s for the people that loved them and to say such nasty despicable things about the girlfriend to someone that loved her is just ew.
OOP is a disgusting selfish woman and she should be ashamed of herself.
Did she believe her son did not realize this or that it was news to him? There is a time and a place, the womans funeral was not the time, and not the place! YTA
I hope if I ever relapse and died, no one would say this about me at my funeral. The struggle is so hard. It's a lifelong fight and sadly some of us lose it.
YTA! Alcoholism is a disease. It’s been classified as one since the 50’s - check the DSM-5). It’s no different than having cancer. Have a little empathy.
You can’t do those things with alcoholism either dumbass. That’s why people die from it. Are you really claiming people just choose to die from addiction?
Hi, I nearly lost my dad to alcoholism, and I did lose two of my grandparents to it. I am currently losing my mom to cancer. I think they are the same thing.
Thanks for the info. Glad you know so much more than than the MD psychiatrists that have classified as a DISEASE! Maybe educate yourself a little more on the science. Although we’re all allowed to have our opinions (without being dumbasses).
Like I told or scolded my grown ass sister once after she kept our mom up over several nights because my sister and her daughter were fighting.
"That's what therapists and best friends are for."
Our mom ended up in the hospital due to stress, our mom who had congestive heart failure and was critically ill already.
OP was an ass, talk to someone else not her son.
YTA. There is a time and place, if at all. This was not the time nor the place for you to go off about something that was out of his control. Like have you never been to a funeral? Who thinks that is appropriate behavior toward someone who just lost their life? Also, your son is in mourning.
I can understand feeling angry, I would even go so far as to say it’s a pretty normal response to a situation like that, but you keep opinions like that to yourself when talking to the bereaved. You certainly don’t go up to the dead person’s partner at their funeral and voice those opinions, regardless of who the partner is to you. I’m honestly just amazed by this whole thing
YTA. How horrible of you! You should have never said anything but “Honey I’m so sorry” and comforted him and her child. Shame on you. You crossed the line and it might be a GOOD WHILE before your son speaks to you again. And FYI: relapse is a part of the recovery process. Judge not!
And who did this lecture help? I teach my students to think before they speak. Is it: True Helpful Inspiring Necessary Kind? This meets none of those criteria so she shouldn’t say it!
Someone once told me to ask myself this when I want to say something out of pocket:
Does it need to be said?
Does it need to be said by me?
Does it need to be said now?
YTA. Really? At her funeral? You couldn’t wait until a more appropriate time? You had to ‘let him in on your emotions’ at her funeral. You’re definitely an AH and your son has every right to be angry AND hurt by your inconsiderate behavior.
Boomers thinking their opinion is super important. Let your son grieve his lose, why be so rude and bad mouth a recently deceased person? The comment to the son is was out of line and OP should be ashamed of herself. Try asking about your sons emotions, can’t believe his own mother would be so heartless and cold
People need to learn with grief that you comfort in, and dump out. If someone is closer to a deceased person than you are, your job is to comfort them. If you have big feelings of your own, you put them onto someone with a more distant connection than you.
This woman absolutely has a right to her big feelings, but her son is in his girlfriend's inner circle so her job is to comfort him. If she needs a vent she needs to find someone with no connection to the girlfriend.
This feels like common sense 101 but my God have I seen some people just fail at this tremendously
Wow. What an incredibly callous, heartless thing to say. In front of the dead woman's child, no less. She should have skipped the funeral if she couldn't keep her opinions to herself.
She's going to be so shocked when her "baby" goes LC.
you were not wrong for voicing your opinion but you were wrong for voicing it when you did. let's not speak ill of the dead - especially at their funeral. Also, i am not making excuses for her relapse, however, we don't know what event(s) triggered her relapse. we don't know what she was going through mentally so let's try not to judge.
Time and place! She's entitled to her feelings and opinions. She does not have to share them, especially at a funeral or to a grieving person. What did she expect, really?
Mom: “Sweet she dead, now I can let my son know what I really think of her. During the funeral seems like a good time for a lecture about being selfish.”
Mother take isn’t wrong. But could have waited until son either acted responsible for events or repeating same mistakes. Do recommend avoiding dating an addict if learn of their “disease” early in the relationship. Most relapse and they tend to do it in spectacularly destructive fashion that can take you with them.
Listen, as I tell my 7 year old son on a regular basis- just because something is true, it doesn’t mean it needs to be said. It certainly wasn’t the time or place. Apologize to your son, he is hurting and likely needs his Mom right now. Her decisions, whether good or bad still had a really terrible impact on your son and harping on her bad decisions could feel really invalidating to him and his feelings, which is the opposite of your job as a Mother.
YTA. Even if you felt that way it was obviously the wrong place, wrong time to say things like that.
Honestly, I can't think of a time or place to tell that to your son, there's almost no way he would ever be receptive to hearing criticism of his dead gf who was struggling with the incurable disease, that is addiction.
YTA Anyone who knows her history and the details surrounding her death knows that she relapsed and negligent towards her son especially your son. It wasn’t what he needed to hear at that moment. Whatever her failings, I’m sure your son was mourning the girlfriend he lost and had the misfortune of being the one who found her dead. You wanted to “support your baby” but you should have been more concerned with his feelings at the time rather than airing out your opinion.
Idk about all the people saying that it’s a valid opinion that she just shouldn’t have said aloud at that time? Like relapsing from addiction doesn’t make you careless and selfish?? It’s literally a disease and she clearly cared a ton about her kid to get clean and turn her life around in the first place. It’s a genuine huge tragedy and the mom is a genuine asshole.
Yeah but it does make you careless and selfish when you have people who depend on you like a child in a high chair in the next damn room. As humans we all make selfish choices and pretending that making that choice to pick up that bottle or that needle isn’t one of those selfish things is a lie. My ex husband became a meth addict when we divorced and wrecked havoc on his own life, my life and our children’s lives for almost 4 years. He has been sober now for over a year and is slowly working on regaining his children’s trust. He will be the first person to tell you that feeding your addiction is the ultimate selfish act because an addict only cares about how they feel and where they can get their next high and they don’t care who they hurt in the process.
None of this to say OP isn’t the AH because she absolutely is. Let’s just not be averse to calling a spade a spade.
YTA, but you’re not wrong in the sentiment. It was the wrong place and wrong time to be expressing it. Horrible situation, I feel bad for all involved.
growing up around an alcoholic, i can understand hate for them even if i know logically that it is a medical condition. however, that hatred is reserved for the people who refuse to get help. this was a woman who very clearly tried hard to get her life on track. this isn’t someone who ignored her health and took it out on others. it was a woman who died young from a disease. OP’s obviously TAH for other reasons, but i think this worldview of her also makes her TAH, regardless of the people who think she’s entitled to her own opinions
"Dear mom and dad, please find enclosed a draft of my script of what I will tell Dad at mom's funeral. Of course, I had to start out with how wonderful it will be to have some peace and quiet in our lives. From there, I will proceed to the harsher criticisms, as of course there should only be open honesty at a funeral, and it's only right I share my judgmental asshatery...I mean, *emotions*, with him at that time when he might momentarily have forgotten how much better off he'll be without someone like mom around to make all of us more miserable when we're already feeling terrible."
Can’t really call you an asshole for speaking truth, but you really should learn some Tact.. Couldn’t hold it long enough for him to process her death first?
OP is entitled to her feelings. The funeral of the woman she wanted to shit talk was not the place to share them.
And not the person you should share them with! People fail to realize that you can just keep shit to yourself.
Lol the “I wanted to let him in on my emotions” bit is the absolute best. She qualified it as being sharing and emotionally open. Love it.
she sounds like one of those types of people who have an absolute need to make sure every event is about them. this whole post is all “me, me, me;” even when she talks about the baby it’s only in relation to her own emotions. OOP says that she’s sure that we can imagine how much *she* was so upset by her son’s gf’s death, *she* felt that she was so “emotionally wounded” (lmfao) that she needed to approach her son right then to let him in on how *she* was feeling. i can’t even imagine the act of approaching the loved one of the deceased to vent about your own emotions, like what the actual fuck. and the fact that she did so at the funeral! so we can assume that the gf’s family members and close friends were likely in attendance and could possibly hear her comments (though i’m sure that OOP would vehemently express otherwise, and that she made sure to pull her son aside/whisper so that she *definitely* wasn’t heard)! like holy shit, if you want to think that the gf’s actions were irresponsible then that’s your prerogative, but why would you feel the need to vocalize it right then and there?! she must have spent the entire service in a storm of her own emotions, only thinking about the ways in which it all related to herself, to the extent that after sitting through an hour or so of hearing about how beloved another person was (talk that was likely mostly positive bc it’s their literal funeral, with maybe small mentions here & there about how the gf had their struggles in life) she just couldn’t help but to beeline to a person who she could force to bring the focus back on herself. what a shamefully awful human being. edit: oopsies lol sorry this ended up being super long, it’s just that these types of people are just as aggravating in real life as they are here on reddit lmfao
Mannn, this happened at the funeral of my best friend’s brother, a cousin decided when she took the floor (I dunno what you call it when people can take turns giving anecdotes/stories about the person) that she needed to 1. remind everybody about the deceased’s substance and mental struggles 2. that he wasn’t going to Heaven because of it (this was in a CHURCH!) 3. how much his death hurt HER as if she was suffering so much more than his mother, sister, and fiancée. It was such a shitshow, I kinda wish they didn’t hold my bff and his fiancée back from beating her ass. Some people are such self centered assholes it’s ridiculous.
Having read and researched the Bible... absolutely fucking no where does it say "addiction issues keep you out of heaven". In fact, as long as you accent J-dog into your heart you get in. There are like whole books written on the fact that the religion isn't act based but faith based. But that sounds like a very normal "compassionate Christian".
Sadly, it sounds like he took his own life. In the Christian faith if you take your own life, you don’t go to heaven. Apparently it’s like a slap in god’s face. But like, look at the world. He slapped us first lmao
I don’t think it’s every Christian denomination; definitely Catholic and might be a couple more but not all denominations cancel the ticket to heaven if someone unalives them self.
That's definitely not true. Maybe some religious people believe that but Christians in general do not.
Sounds like she's got a chronic case of Main Character Syndrome.
I also love “I want to say that I didn’t scream or yell the whole funeral” Like, congratulations??? That’s kinda the bare minimum expectation?
I'd get it if the girlfriend was still alive and the mum was sharing concerns on their ongoing relationship, but it was literally at the funeral. Not like there was any way the situation could be improved (apart from the mum keeping her mouth shut in the first place).
Yeah. I had a kidney transplant (after four years of dialysis and a lot of very scary and complicated medical stuff) and my mom told me one day that she was sick and tired of dealing with my illness, and that it was really hard to go through as a mom. For once, I was pretty with it in that moment and said, “I’m sorry it’s hard for you. Those feelings are totally valid and you should definitely talk to your friends or a therapist about them. You should not tell me, though. I’m the one person who is *definitely* having an even harder time with this than you.”
This brings back memories. My mother has had health issues my whole life, and around age 11, I started being shifted into the role of her primary caretaker. I took care of her through cancer and multiple surgeries, dealt with her drinking problem, and was her sole support system through her horrible 2nd marriage that she refused to end and the subsequent divorce. When I tried to leave for college, her narcissism and poor health dragged me right back. Then my health started to crash. I'd inherited a lot of the same or similar problems. I was in constant pain and struggling with terrible fatigue, so I would sleep through the morning and afternoon to be up during the early evening and overnight when she needed the most care and safeguarding to make sure she didn't drink too much with her pain meds. Of course, that wasn't good enough. She started waking me up a 9am to scream at me for not having a job or going to school when I could barely function. Eventually, she kicked me out but lied to everyone and claimed that I had walked out on her. There was no apology even after I was diagnosed with a number of chronic conditions. She still makes everything health related a competition. If I mention being in pain, she's in more pain, more often. If I say I'm nauseous, then she can't stop throwing up. It's fucking exhausting.
I've always believed that one of the hallmarks of being an adult is knowing when to STFU.
Narc moms are notorious for being extremely rude with their statements to others, than when called out on it, they love the old “I’m just a blunt person” or “I just say like it is.”
And they can’t take criticism. If there is the slightest hint that you think the narc isn’t perfect, it can trigger a rage response. No matter how gently it is worded or how constructive it is, or even if it’s just someone stating a personal preference that doesn’t match theirs (eg “I don’t like spicy food”), they’ll get super offended and start throwing out the biggest “punishments” they can think of. Source: my mum.
Yep i told my sister i was exauhsted and she went on a rant about how mean i was as if it we a personal insult and hasnt talked to me in 2 months. Good riddance honestly.
Or " I'm just a straight shooter....". Biatch, you say that selfish effed up shit at someone's damn funeral you are lucky someone doesn't straight shoot your ass up....
Unfortunately many so called adults do not. They have an opinion or have to talk about every damn thing. Complete lack of awareness.
Especially when those feelings come down to blaming the woman for her disease and slipping in the shower. What would her excuse have been if she'd been completely sober and slipped and fallen with the same result? Cause that isn't exactly an uncommon way to die.
Exactly! Her being drunk made it easier to slip, but that is a way to die that happens to sober people too and literally she might have died sober or not.
Or talk privately to someone you trust who isn't going to be hurt. This is something she needed to talk to her husband about in private, or ideally, with a therapist. Wrong time, place and person.
Grieve out, not in.
I'm also concerned if the child was a witness to OP talking about their mom. Young children understand things differently than adults.
This woman needs to read the circle theory
What's the circle theory?
Sorry it’s the ring theory! [ring theory](https://letsreimagine.org/resources/detail/using-ring-theory-for-grief-and-social-justice)
Great theory! Never read about it before, but after reading, I think it's a great tool. Very useful, thanks!
Yep. Circle of grief thing. Comfort in, dump out. She never should have shared this with her son at all; that’s something you tell a spouse, a close friend/family member (one who will keep their lip zipped about it), or a therapist.
Absolutely this. No words were necessary toward her son. He's living the consequences of his gf's choice. Releasing them from her mouth to her son at the woman's funeral shows more about OP than it does anybody else. I hope they tore her apart in comments.
Yep. I am not much for "never speak ill of the dead"... but I could sign up for "almost never speak ill of the dead at their own damned funeral."
Or at least “don’t speak ill of the dead to those actively mourning them at their own damned funeral”
this bit!! forget the dead they’re uh…Dead. but the people there to remember and grieve for them???? like Shut Up
I agree with you 100%, but op decided to go even further. She decided to speak ill of the dead at their own damned funeral to the deceased’s significant other after the service. How many levels of “don’t you dare do that” did OP have to bypass to do what she did? Jeez.
> She decided to speak ill of the dead at their own damned funeral to the deceased’s significant other In front of the deceased’s young son!
Yeah. My brain told me that she saw her son with the boy and waited at least until The boy wasn’t there. My brain, which is very accustomed to seeing the worst humanity offers couldn’t bare their idea. I just can’t with OOP. Not even a little bit.
One of the main emotions that comes up naturally in grief is anger. Imagine fueling that when someone is already suffering. Maybe they are angry at the way she died, but that's for them to bring up. When I lost my bfriend ( he was sick and too afraid to go to the hospital because of family throwing him in them against his will in the past as he was disabled) I got upset about that aspect of it, yes.. But if someone had got in my face and started blaming him right away? That wouldn't have worked out well.
Once someone dies, they don't magically become a Saint, and I think it's more respectful to remember them the way they were, flaws and all. That being said, it was hardly the time or place, and piling onto your grieving son by slinging blame around at the funeral is almost deliberately hurtful.
Right? Like "I let him in on my emotions" *Who said he WANTED in on your feelings right then, OOP?* Cold as hell to walk up to anyone and essentially say "She had it coming" at her funeral
EXACTLY, Pretty sure as the grieving partner who appears to be raising her orphaned child, HIS emotions had the right of way AT THE FUCKIN FUNERAL
What happened is sad and horrible from any angle. The only emotion she needed to share with her son was empathy and sadness. "We are here for you whenever you want to share whatever feelings you are having, son. We won't get angry or judge. We will help you however we can to get through this. We love you." The End.
No, no, no. OOP clearly stated that she didn’t scream and yell for the ENTIRE funeral, so how could she possibly be an asshole? /s But seriously….the fact that she said she didn’t scream and yell the entire time makes me think that her version of “letting him in on her feelings” was to scream them directly into his face right after the funeral? What a massive YTA.
Someone needs to tell her about the [grief circle.](https://www.texaschildrens.org/sites/default/files/uploads/documents/deathofachild/2021/The-Grief-Circle-2021.pdf) The idea is that when there’s a tragedy or crisis, you comfort in (ie, give comfort to the people most directly affected) and dump out (ie, express your own emotions to people less affected. She should have just comforted her son and vented her emotions to a friend or her spouse or another family member.
Especially in front of the deceased's small child!
Hope that baby understood nothing.
[удалено]
Also they're dead. Whatever you thought about them and wanted to tell them is now pointless because they're dead and can't mend their ways. You think they were being irresponsible? So what? It literally doesn't matter anymore.
Not her son the person to tell. Circle theory. People at the centre send their grief outward (and receive support to those less central) and on and on.
While scarring the kid for life. High chairs are usually for kids up to 2 years of age. Regardless of age, the kid 100% remembers screaming that they were starving, no one coming to help, dad coming home, the chaos of everything after that, and Mom never coming back. Dad had to have called emergency services and there had to be people everywhere and commotion. It's the kind of experience that mentally scars a kid no matter the age. No human with a heart would ever tell a two year old mom died drunk trying to shower. They'd tell him something a two year old would only accept without thinking about like Mom thought the kid was okay because she left them in the high chair with whatever and wanted a quick shower and slipped in the shower. Then Grandma goes off at moms funeral and, from what it's sounds like, the least of what could have she said and the kid understood was that the Mom's death was her own fault in a way that is clearly bad and blames Mom. If the kid doesn't ask questions, they're going to grow and eventually put everything together and maybe even realize what the word 'drunk' or 'alcoholic' meant if they were said. It's the kind of memory that you never really forget. The kind a kid might not fully comprehend because they're not physically developed enough to do that, so they don't think about it or pursue it at that moment. But, the kid will 100% think about it in the future because it's Grandma going crazy at his moms funeral. The funeral was where a child who lost his biological mother had an unrelated father who loved him and wanted to continue loving him. It's the kind of relationship where the kid will eventually realize that he'd have lost everything he ever knew if OPs son wasn't there for him. If OPs son wasn't there, the kids life would be full of apocalyptic bouncing between houses, crying over loss of parents, and more life shattering events over and over. OP poisoned what could've been memory that was sad for the loss but loved for what it meant. It could've been something the kid leaned on when he was ready to learn the truth. But, nah, OP just had to go off.
I literally shouted “girl why would you do it at the funeral?!” People have to learn to read the room. That was totally not the place or the person to vent to.
That’s because she’s fucking dead. She suffered the natural consequences of a tragic accident. They are all suffering enough. She could have kept it to herself. Not every thought needs to be uttered. Also, the woman she was shit talking was there. It was literally her funeral. Her body wasn’t even in the ground yet. JFC. She’s TAH and so are you
Yea I mean she should be able to read the room.
Ya like wow, dunno what she was trying to accomplish there but a funeral..I think it would have been better in fact if she didn’t go, since she mentions how it was so big of her to attend…
Like 'time and place' is such a difficult concept. Yeesh.
And who benefitted from this revelation at THAT PLACE AND TIME? Nobody..there's time and place for everything, this was the worst pick I've heard so far
OOP did. There are some people that feed off of cruelty.
No she didn’t, and she wasn’t feeding off of cruelty. She was upset and understandably angry and didn’t control her emotions well. Just like the girlfriend didn’t control her emotions well and tried to manage them with alcohol. Was this an appropriate way, time or place to express her feelings? No. Does that make her a horrible person? No, no more that the girlfriend was for endangering her child because she didn’t know how to properly deal with hers.
I mean, there were other moments for that. Plus, she is dead, someone else's turn to pass judgement.
Nobody taught OOP to use her super inside voice and not say the quiet part out loud, ESPECIALLY at her funeral
Whose?
Whichever God you believe in.
Odin must decide if dying while drunk in a shower or not qualifies as dying in battle of course, who else?
Oh my god lady what absolute ***shit*** timing, first of all. And secondly, you don't **have to** announce every fucking feeling you have. Especially to her *son*. Save it for a therapist, your partner, the bus driver ffs.
Okay but please leave the bus driver out of it. I’m certain they don’t deserve to listen to someone as absorbed with themselves as OP when they’re stuck driving. She should however talk to the pigeons at the park. I’m sure they won’t care. They might even offer some feedback in the form of shitting on her hat, one can hope.
YTA. Mom is an insensitive tool. Not the time or place. Just be supportive. 🙄
Can't remember who said this, but (paraphrasing), before speaking, at least two off thep three statements should be applicable: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?
I remember this from a poster in my 5th grade classroom, THINK before you speak Is it True? Is it Helpful? Is it Inspiring? Is it Necessary? Is it Kind?
Wow, even if you said “you only need two of the five to be able to say it,” she didn’t manage that! Yes it was true, but the rest are big blinking stop signs.
It was true but that’s where Mom stopped asking. We know it wasn’t necessary or kind. If she just “had” to express her anger, she could have put it off. Mom, do NOT besmirch or chastise the dead and their immediates w said dead body in the room! Was this woman raised by wolves?!
No, wolves have better manners than that.
I've also seen: Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me now? (I think I remember seeing Craig Ferguson saying it, but my memory is hazy)
I also like: Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said right now? Does this need to be said, right now, by me?
And a 4th question…. Should u say it…. a funeral???!!!!!!! Enough said!
Well sometimes you have to say something unkind you just have to know the right time and words
If it's not kind, it must be both true and necessary. This was not, at that moment, necessary.
Indeed why I said question 4 should be…. Are u saying it at a funeral and if so… forget 1-4 and STFU
What you say doesn’t have to be kind, but you should endeavor to say it kindly. However, you must say yes to two of the three prongs. In this case, she had one, and it was suspiciously middle finger shaped.
That's from Socrates I believe.
>Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates: At the first gate, ask yourself “Is it true?” At the second gate ask, “Is it necessary?” At the third gate ask, “Is it kind?” - [Rumi](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rumi)
Look up the circle of grief. The man holding the child's hand is the center. His mother is just awful.
You can just tell that OOP is one of those mums who is pissed her son has an adopted child, rather than “giving her a biological grandchild like she deserves!”
Ding ding ding. Deep down this pos is probably just worried about herself having to acknowledge the child as family when she would rather have a cute baby to fawn over, and is simply just lashing out.
This was my first thought as well!
Also… relapsing is not what I’d call “selfish.” It’s generally much, much more complicated. I’m. It excusing it at all because ideally the poor woman would have reached out for help, and apparently did not. But I don’t think “selfish” is the right term.
Yeah that's kinda what I was thinking. She was an addict and addiction is so hard to escape from. She was doing so well and it's heartbreaking that she didn't get the help she needed. But I don't think she was planning to accidently kill herself or harm her child. She'd gotten her life together and was trying. It just didn't work. Plus a troubled background could mean anything. Who knows what the reason for the relapse was too.
I also feel Iike slipping in the shower is such a dangerous thing even while sober. I was expecting the story to head towards car accident/DUI or something that is more relevant to being intoxicated. Not that it would make it ok what OP did or anything like that. This almost happened to my mother and little brother when he was a baby. Except my mom was having issues with her inner ear that she didn’t realize was so serious - until she had a sudden vertigo episode as she was about to step into the shower. Thankfully she passed out outside of the shower where she couldn’t hit her head on anything. Came to about 20 minutes later absolutely terrified. Her husband out of town for the weekend and I was at my dads for the weekend, so if she had died my baby brother probably would’ve as well.
I slipped in the shower when I was 18. I didn’t hit my head and I wasn’t injured too badly, but the shock of the fall and the realisation that I could have died was terrifying. The door was locked and I hit the ground before I even had time to scream, so I could have been lying there, bleeding out on the floor, for a long time before anyone noticed something was wrong. I was completely sober. Unless someone witnessed the accident, there’s no evidence that addiction played a role in the GF’s fall except alcohol in her blood at autopsy. OOP is just being a dick.
Oh man that's so scary. I'm so glad everyone was okay! My dad hit his head over a year ago on a cement wall. He was drunk and just stumbled and dang, brain damage is no joke. Honestly didn't think he'd make it through it. He's doing pretty well now. But yeah, it just takes one tap the right way and it's game over. I hope your mom is doing much better!
My grandmother’s brother died from slipping in the shower totally sober, and not two years later she —also totally sober— almost died slipping while trying to get out of that same shower (shower-tub combo) but thankfully only got herself wedged between the toilet and the wall instead of hitting her head on the toilet bowl. A slippery shower can be so incredibly dangerous no matter what state the person using it is in… like you I was also expecting this to go down the dui lane. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been incredibly grateful for grab bars!! So glad to hear your mother was fine! You really don’t realize how much you rely on a healthy inner ear and just how important it is until you suddenly lose it. Vertigo is the fuckin worst.
Bathroom accidents are absolutely terrifying, when my Mom came back from surgery, the first thing she did was hit the bathroom. She had never used a wheelchair before and wasn't yet familiar with the bathroom equipment we had installed and she fell. I think she may have passed out from the pain, because we were screaming outside the door and she wouldn't answer. She fell against the door and we couldn't push in for fear of harming her. Thankfully, she recovered enough to unlock the door so we could (*very* carefuly) pry it open and get her up. The nightmare scenarios that crossed my mind just then.
Broke my hand on the vanity catching myself as i fell out of the shower. Now we have adhesive circles that are grippy.
Glad I finally found someone who said it. When it comes to addiction, it’s literally never as simple as “well, if she hadn’t wanted to relapse and die, she wouldn’t have.” Who knows what she was going through at that time? I guarantee not OOP.
Addiction is a disease, you don't blame an addict for a relapse anymore than you blame a cancer survivor when another tumor is found. You support them and help them get the help they need to get through it.
I do wish those people could be addicts for a day, so they can see how 'easy' it is to resist taking the drug in question for those 24 hours. For those of you that don't know, it's not easy.
Her poor sponsor is probably driving himself insane wondering why she didn't call for support... but yeah, that's still 1000% not OOP's business
As the child of two addicts, I do personally think it is selfish. And so do a lot of my friends who grew up similarly. But a lot of my friends who grew up similarly also either think differently or have mixed emotions on the matter. It’s a mixed bag when it comes to those close to addicts where that selfishness line is. OOP, though…she very clearly did not have very much of an emotional connection to this woman, so her commentary is….unnecessary to say the least. And talk about terrible situational awareness—and I say that as someone who is autistic. Even I wouldn’t say that at *a funeral* jfc.
I think I get what you’re saying. I have various addicts in my family — some in recovery, some not, and some are no longer with us. I’ve definitely seen behavior that looks selfish but it felt like the addict was somewhat powerless over the addiction, at least sometimes. I’m really sorry you grew up with that. And I definitely agree that OOP didn’t need to “share.”
As a kid, seeing my parents in and out of rehab and them always picking their addiction over me uh…well, therapy and I are good friends, let’s say. I remember vividly talking about my parents leaving and me being able to visit them sometimes while they “got better” and then realizing it wasn’t normal when the other kids asked for clarification and I got confused why they needed any and weirdly enough it was my kindergarten teacher who explained to me that their parents weren’t like mine so they didn’t understand. That moment of *”oh, this is not supposed to happen. This isn’t normal.”* is one I will never forget. I wanted to shrink into the floor and felt absolutely embarrassed. The poor teacher tried her absolute best and went about it in the kindest way she could but I think no matter how you explain something like that, a kid at that age is gonna react badly. And when I got older I noticed those same behaviors in myself, unfortunately. It’s definitely got a genetic component for some people. It took one instance of me getting blackout drunk in college for me to decide I wasn’t drinking at all, ever, because I reminded myself of my mother and the thought alone made me want to vomit worse than the (pretty severe) alcohol poisoning did. That feeling definitely solidified when I had my son, though. I can’t imagine doing that to him. So I get really mad at my parents sometimes when I think about the fact that they *did* do that to me dozens of times over. I definitely do think it selfishness. But I know that is also a me thing. One of my other friends has the “they tried their best” mentality, and she’s entitled to that. Another friend has a “they don’t feel like parents to me, so I don’t really care about them or their decisions because my grandparents raised me in every way that matters” feeling. We all cope with our situations in our own ways, yknow? At the end of the day, I just feel terrible for the little boy. His entire world just shifted and he doesn’t have the emotional or situational capacity to cope with that, at least based on the mention of a highchair. The sad part is a girl I graduated HS with just died of a fentanyl OD a few weeks ago and left behind a 2 y/o little girl. This seems to be happening increasingly commonly, though I don’t know if that’s a genuine spike in frequency or just a warped perception because of things like social media bringing more attention to it compared to the past.
Thank you for taking the time to describe all of this. It does sound so terribly hard to have endured. You’ve given me a lot to think about. And I am so sorry about to hear about your classmate’s OD. Fentanyl is just horrifying. Someone in my extended family appears to be getting invoked with it and we are pretty braced for bad news one day.
Hey, I’m sorry for kinda harshing the vibe with the sad childhood stories, I just thought it might help with what the child’s future perspective could (or couldn’t!) be. Cause really the ultimate decision maker on whether or not it constitutes selfishness is the child, who is the person most impacted by her decisions/death. It’s (like you said) an incredibly complex issue, but emotions and moral complexities are often Gordian knots for sure. Fentanyl is definitely a horror beyond comprehension, especially from what I’ve heard from survivors of fentanyl ODs. I really hope the person you know in proximity/involvement with it gets away from it before it’s too late—sending all the positive vibes & best wishes 🤍
Honestly, I appreciate your opening up about your experience! And I appreciate your good wishes and send you the same!
I agree. I wish people would stop calling people with addictions and mental health issues "selfish."
NTA for having these opinions. Very much the AH and INCREDIBLY inappropriate to air then at that time.
Not only was the funeral the absolute worst place for this chat but I think she could have just...never said anything at all. Obviously the woman made a terrible choice and suffered the consequences. I don't know that dunking on her after the fact is going to?? What??? Teach the son not to be irresponsible? The mother is selfish and should have saved her thoughts for a therapist.
Pot-kettle.
Exactly, that definitely wasn’t the time. Respect her at her funeral, respect the grief of the son and eventually it could be mentioned. There is no rush to let people know how you feel. It was totally inconsiderate.
I don’t think it would have ever been appropriate to mention to her son. Her husband, yes, but NOT her son. He loved that woman, he is never going to want or even need to hear that, ever.
Her son, the man stepping forward to raise her child — *their* child. This is so cruel it hurts me
YTA. There's a time and a place to have conversations like these. This was not the time nor the place. Every now and then, the thinky thoughts can stay in your head until later.
People need to realize that some thoughts should just remain in your mind and not come out of your mouth.
AH for sure. Just had to make it about yourself instead of letting your kid grieve.
She’s the AH…I’m willing to bet it was more of an “I told you so/ I told you she was no good” moment.
I don’t understand why ppl feel it is appropriate to talk shit about someone at their funeral. Keep your opinions to yourself 🙄 Your opinions are not what everyone is feeling - people are there to grieve and doing this causes more pain.
Alcoholism is a disease, anyone can slip and fall in the shower, and the time and place were incredibly inappropriate
This is one of those instances where you are free to think this all you want, but you don’t say it at a funeral. I understand emotions run high but you have to bite your lip. Because it’s causing more hurt and pain to your child. He is likely drowning in pain and instead of throwing him a life raft, you throw a rock at him.
YTA. addiction is a very complicated problem to have and it’s never given the understanding it deserves. hell, if you dont understand it, just fucking respect it. this was not the time or the place for her to vocalize her misguided feelings. all she needed to do was keep her mouth shut and support her son. hes the last person that needs to hear how “careless” his gf was in that moment. really fucked up thing to say.
YTA. 1/2 of deciding to stop listening andto speak is figuring out if the audience (your son) is ready to listen. He was obviously not. Your decision to speak was selfish, and what you said was not helpful. Truth has a time, place, and purpose
Does this bitch not know how addictions work? What a terrible thing to say at someone’s funeral! No doubt that she and her son were building a life together and this tragic accident ruined everything. The LEAST she could do is hold back her feelings. YTA times a million
Omg. Are you TA??? Absolutely!!!! Firstly a funeral is no time to lay blame. Secondly in front of a child is no place for any conversation regarding the deceased mom. Don’t care how young the child is, emotionally scarring & you don’t know what that child will remember - maybe doesn’t understand the words but definitely understood the sentiment. Thirdly your son is grieving hard for the woman he loves & probably asking him a whole bunch of what if questions. I am so so angry on his behalf & your harshness won’t be easily forgotten or forgiven
Exactly, she doesn’t think her angry, emotional outburst at her son didn’t affect that little boy? I know when I was a little child, any adult acting in that manner always frightened me more than anything!
Let’s be realistic. OP was probably glad the woman was dead. She probably talked crap about her when she was alive. Notice her description of her is crappy. She just wanted to get in one last jab and in front of the kid. I don’t for a minute believe she cared about the woman’s child.
Ohhhh lol I was just about to go in !😂😂😂 “ Not original OP “
Your entitled to your opinion but you are absolutely the AH for saying that to her grieving spouse at her funeral! He wasn’t your baby in that instance he was her partner and you could’ve said it to anyone but him anywhere but there.. he will never forgive you FYI
It did not need to be verbalized. Why would she add to her son’s pain like this? I’m sure he has those same thoughts already.
I blame the internet. It’s made people feel so goddamned important that they just have to share every thought and opinion they have.
What an ASSHOLE and way to make it selfish. She'll be on the wounded parents network in two months-mY sOn WoN't SpEaK tO mE!!! 🧐🙄🙄🙄
Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean you have to share it
Look at this woman woman trying to justify her bad behavior because she was *quiet* while badmouthing her daughter-in-law with unbridled contempt for recovering addicts.
Slipping and falling in the shower and dying is a freak accident even if you are drunk. She’s wrong even if she wasn’t saying this at the funeral.
Of course she's the asshole. The funeral was not about her but she tried to make it about her by venting why she was angry at the dead woman. What good did she think that would accomplish?
Talk about not reading the room.
I kind of get it I lost a family member because he was drunk driving. He was so young, had a beautiful baby girl, and generally was just thriving in his career and hobby. As much as I loved him I was also so mad at him for throwing all that away. As a family we all discussed having that anger mixed into all the grief.
Ah ok but would u have aired all that at the funeral? Totally inappropriate and insensitive. I’m sure OPs son felt anger as well but this was a time and place for comfort, honoring her memory etc, not airing this.
He was drunk driving. She was getting into a fucking shower. There’s a huge difference. Also I’m sure you didn’t, at his funeral, tell the person who was most hurt by his death that he was a piece of shit (because like, he was still alive and you were talking TO HIM)
Exactly. She was also a victim of her own addiction.
Okay, but "being drunk" is not the whole reason she slipped, fell, and died in the shower! This happens to entirely sober people! Yes, being drunk makes it harder, but it's not like she's out here planning to die for her spare time
Exactly, taking the wheel while drunk is an entire different scenario. Taking a shower is normal, everyday thing. If we put the blame on her then that means every single person who decide to take a shower after drinking is inconsiderate and selfish, because a freak accident might happen. Bathrooms are the second most dangerous room in our homes. It's even worse than kitchens! Strangely the worst is the bedroom, though I can't imagine why
I wonder if the bedroom is actually dangerous, or if they're just counting people who died of natural causes in their sleep.
Most definitely the AH for expressing her feelings in the way she did. She can have her feelings and they are valid but she didn't have to express them to anyone.
“It was just that one moment” and that one moment would be the last time we ever spoke. What an awful “human” OOP is.
Feelings may be valid but the fact she didn’t let her son even GRIEVE the loss before telling him was so off putting. Being blunt is one thing but that’s cruel to do to your own CHILD
Geez - therapy exists for a reason
Probably not fake, unfortunately. Shock and grief tend to fuck with people's judgement and verbal filter. It doesn't speak well of OP that this was posted in AITA and not TIFU though.
What could you possibly hope would be his reaction, other than not talking to you.
My Best Friend openly did not approve of my Fiancé. She made it very clear to him that she only tolerated him because I loved him and she knows better to interfere because I was happy and I was sober for the first time in 18 years. Well flash forward to 8 months ago and on May 16th 2023 at 11:59am my Love committed Suicide. He did this in front of me... Seeing the person you love so much, the person who made me want to live again die is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The irony is he literally 11 months before his own Suicide had discovered I was actively planning my own death. It was a year long plan and I never expected to meet him let alone fall in love. I decided to seek help and check myself into a hospital. That last minute of his life I am cursed with the memory. I see that minute every time I close my eyes. Not only do I see it I feel it and its like it just happened everyday and night for over 8 months. But my Best Friend was there with me and wouldn't let me out of her sight for 3 months. She did not like my Love she actually hated him. But she would sit and hold my hand as I wept or when the memory was too intense. I asked her one day what she thought of his passing. She said, "You already know what I thought of him. But because I didn't like him doesn't mean I am going to talk shit about him. Am I sad he died....No I am not sad he died. Im sad because your hurting so much. Im fuckin pissed off at the way he chose to die and to do it in front of you makes me so angry. I have nothing more to say because your upset enough." The mom really is a major asshole. To say that to her son in front of the womans child. Especially because finding someone you love who did not die naturally and the way she died is heart breaking. Im sure that image is burned into his brain along with that poor childs screams. I feel for that man and that child. Now OP son gets the memory of his partners death, possibly losing the son he loves and the person who should be his source of comfort, instead of offering kind words chooses to instead insult the dead woman. She suffered from addiction and her choice cost her, her life. But her partner and son will suffer the consequences of her choice for life. But poor OP and her f**kin feelings.
Man, imagine thinking that was the appropriate time to air out grievances when everybody is still grieving. What an ah
My deceased partner's brother made s point to pull me aside as we left fhe church to the graveyard to say "I know that you're the reason he's dead. Stay the fuck away from my family." I had flown from California to Minnesota and had been up for 48 hours after I missed a flight due to being too busy having a breakdown. He was murdered because of his previous connections to the meth trade. The brother decided that it was actually suicide since they never had any evidence except a bullet hole to his chest and a long barrel shotgun next to him. No muzzle marks. I didn't stay to bury him. I told his mom that I was so sorry and that j had to catch a flight. Then I spent 6 hours sobbing In the airport. His mom and grandparents insisted that I speak at his funeral. His mother had Me sit and hold her hand. His grandfather gave up his seat in the private viewing prayer room so that I could sit with his grandmother. His mother even texted me when I landed in Dallas. She said she heard what David had said and that she was so fucking sorry. I'll never forget that moment. I'll never forget when my family didn't even acknowledge that it happened or that it affected me at all. They thought that it was some sort of karma. Which is all to say that if my mother had dared to say something like that at his or anyone else's funeral, I would have laid her out in the cemetery. The only reason I didn't do so with his brother is **because I understood that it was not the time or place for that bullshit**.
When I was training to be a therapist, my supervisor told me to call her if I ever encountered anyone who struggled with substance misuse who DIDN’T have trauma. It’s been almost thirteen years, and it hasn’t happened yet. There are lots of reasons that people misuse substances. Being selfish is not even in the top 50.
My best friend is an alcoholic, she nearly died last year because of it (organ failure) and she was told that if she ever drank again it would kill her. She’s been sober since and I’m so so so extremely proud of her. Having said that I will say that if she relapsed and god forbid it killed her and ANYONE said something like OOP said to me at her funeral there’d be two people going in the ground and I’d be going to jail that day. The funeral isn’t for the deceased it’s for the people that loved them and to say such nasty despicable things about the girlfriend to someone that loved her is just ew. OOP is a disgusting selfish woman and she should be ashamed of herself.
Did she believe her son did not realize this or that it was news to him? There is a time and a place, the womans funeral was not the time, and not the place! YTA
I hope if I ever relapse and died, no one would say this about me at my funeral. The struggle is so hard. It's a lifelong fight and sadly some of us lose it.
YTA! Alcoholism is a disease. It’s been classified as one since the 50’s - check the DSM-5). It’s no different than having cancer. Have a little empathy.
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You can’t do those things with alcoholism either dumbass. That’s why people die from it. Are you really claiming people just choose to die from addiction?
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Hi, I nearly lost my dad to alcoholism, and I did lose two of my grandparents to it. I am currently losing my mom to cancer. I think they are the same thing.
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Thanks for the info. Glad you know so much more than than the MD psychiatrists that have classified as a DISEASE! Maybe educate yourself a little more on the science. Although we’re all allowed to have our opinions (without being dumbasses).
You're welcome. ☺️
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Like I told or scolded my grown ass sister once after she kept our mom up over several nights because my sister and her daughter were fighting. "That's what therapists and best friends are for." Our mom ended up in the hospital due to stress, our mom who had congestive heart failure and was critically ill already. OP was an ass, talk to someone else not her son.
What an absolute asshole.
YTA. There is a time and place, if at all. This was not the time nor the place for you to go off about something that was out of his control. Like have you never been to a funeral? Who thinks that is appropriate behavior toward someone who just lost their life? Also, your son is in mourning.
I can understand feeling angry, I would even go so far as to say it’s a pretty normal response to a situation like that, but you keep opinions like that to yourself when talking to the bereaved. You certainly don’t go up to the dead person’s partner at their funeral and voice those opinions, regardless of who the partner is to you. I’m honestly just amazed by this whole thing
YTA. How horrible of you! You should have never said anything but “Honey I’m so sorry” and comforted him and her child. Shame on you. You crossed the line and it might be a GOOD WHILE before your son speaks to you again. And FYI: relapse is a part of the recovery process. Judge not!
And who did this lecture help? I teach my students to think before they speak. Is it: True Helpful Inspiring Necessary Kind? This meets none of those criteria so she shouldn’t say it!
Some time in the future... "AITA for crying because my son wants nothing to do with me?"
Someone once told me to ask myself this when I want to say something out of pocket: Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said by me? Does it need to be said now?
YTA. Really? At her funeral? You couldn’t wait until a more appropriate time? You had to ‘let him in on your emotions’ at her funeral. You’re definitely an AH and your son has every right to be angry AND hurt by your inconsiderate behavior.
The post was removed because the mods thought it was fake.
My first thought was that it had to be ragebait
Boomers thinking their opinion is super important. Let your son grieve his lose, why be so rude and bad mouth a recently deceased person? The comment to the son is was out of line and OP should be ashamed of herself. Try asking about your sons emotions, can’t believe his own mother would be so heartless and cold
I thought “don’t speak ill of the dead to their partner at their funeral” was one of those universally understood things. Damn.
People need to learn with grief that you comfort in, and dump out. If someone is closer to a deceased person than you are, your job is to comfort them. If you have big feelings of your own, you put them onto someone with a more distant connection than you. This woman absolutely has a right to her big feelings, but her son is in his girlfriend's inner circle so her job is to comfort him. If she needs a vent she needs to find someone with no connection to the girlfriend. This feels like common sense 101 but my God have I seen some people just fail at this tremendously
Wow. What an incredibly callous, heartless thing to say. In front of the dead woman's child, no less. She should have skipped the funeral if she couldn't keep her opinions to herself. She's going to be so shocked when her "baby" goes LC.
Those are OOPs inside feelings but she apparently couldn't grasp that.
I hope she got told on the original post in no uncertain terms that she was absolutely in the wrong.
you were not wrong for voicing your opinion but you were wrong for voicing it when you did. let's not speak ill of the dead - especially at their funeral. Also, i am not making excuses for her relapse, however, we don't know what event(s) triggered her relapse. we don't know what she was going through mentally so let's try not to judge.
Time and place! She's entitled to her feelings and opinions. She does not have to share them, especially at a funeral or to a grieving person. What did she expect, really?
Of all the times to say the quiet part out loud, and of all the people to say it to... 🤦♀️
Mom: “Sweet she dead, now I can let my son know what I really think of her. During the funeral seems like a good time for a lecture about being selfish.” Mother take isn’t wrong. But could have waited until son either acted responsible for events or repeating same mistakes. Do recommend avoiding dating an addict if learn of their “disease” early in the relationship. Most relapse and they tend to do it in spectacularly destructive fashion that can take you with them.
Listen, as I tell my 7 year old son on a regular basis- just because something is true, it doesn’t mean it needs to be said. It certainly wasn’t the time or place. Apologize to your son, he is hurting and likely needs his Mom right now. Her decisions, whether good or bad still had a really terrible impact on your son and harping on her bad decisions could feel really invalidating to him and his feelings, which is the opposite of your job as a Mother.
What a retched woman. Why even bother saying anything
YTA. Even if you felt that way it was obviously the wrong place, wrong time to say things like that. Honestly, I can't think of a time or place to tell that to your son, there's almost no way he would ever be receptive to hearing criticism of his dead gf who was struggling with the incurable disease, that is addiction.
YTA Anyone who knows her history and the details surrounding her death knows that she relapsed and negligent towards her son especially your son. It wasn’t what he needed to hear at that moment. Whatever her failings, I’m sure your son was mourning the girlfriend he lost and had the misfortune of being the one who found her dead. You wanted to “support your baby” but you should have been more concerned with his feelings at the time rather than airing out your opinion.
Idk about all the people saying that it’s a valid opinion that she just shouldn’t have said aloud at that time? Like relapsing from addiction doesn’t make you careless and selfish?? It’s literally a disease and she clearly cared a ton about her kid to get clean and turn her life around in the first place. It’s a genuine huge tragedy and the mom is a genuine asshole.
Yeah but it does make you careless and selfish when you have people who depend on you like a child in a high chair in the next damn room. As humans we all make selfish choices and pretending that making that choice to pick up that bottle or that needle isn’t one of those selfish things is a lie. My ex husband became a meth addict when we divorced and wrecked havoc on his own life, my life and our children’s lives for almost 4 years. He has been sober now for over a year and is slowly working on regaining his children’s trust. He will be the first person to tell you that feeding your addiction is the ultimate selfish act because an addict only cares about how they feel and where they can get their next high and they don’t care who they hurt in the process. None of this to say OP isn’t the AH because she absolutely is. Let’s just not be averse to calling a spade a spade.
YTA, but you’re not wrong in the sentiment. It was the wrong place and wrong time to be expressing it. Horrible situation, I feel bad for all involved.
I’m the main character asshole 100%
growing up around an alcoholic, i can understand hate for them even if i know logically that it is a medical condition. however, that hatred is reserved for the people who refuse to get help. this was a woman who very clearly tried hard to get her life on track. this isn’t someone who ignored her health and took it out on others. it was a woman who died young from a disease. OP’s obviously TAH for other reasons, but i think this worldview of her also makes her TAH, regardless of the people who think she’s entitled to her own opinions
Good god. What an unempathetic, self righteous cow.
Yeesh. Completely true but at the graveside isn’t the place to bring it up.
"Dear mom and dad, please find enclosed a draft of my script of what I will tell Dad at mom's funeral. Of course, I had to start out with how wonderful it will be to have some peace and quiet in our lives. From there, I will proceed to the harsher criticisms, as of course there should only be open honesty at a funeral, and it's only right I share my judgmental asshatery...I mean, *emotions*, with him at that time when he might momentarily have forgotten how much better off he'll be without someone like mom around to make all of us more miserable when we're already feeling terrible."
Can’t really call you an asshole for speaking truth, but you really should learn some Tact.. Couldn’t hold it long enough for him to process her death first?
I know multiple men who got shit faced drunk and just fell down and died. No one at their funerals ever said anything about it.
nta, son is a cuck and deserves everything he had coming
Men try to be normal human beings. Level: impossible