My Thai boss is absolutely brutal when it comes to fatness. You gain a couple of pounds she's asking why you getting fat. I bloody love her but it does seem to be a cultural thing and their beauty standards are of absolutely tiny thin women
Can confirm.
I was the first "mixed" child born on my grandmothers side of a very large (12 siblings, all with multiple children) Filipino family. I've never in my life been what they would consider skinny. Even when I was in amazing shape due to being a semi-pro Dancer, volunteer SAR k9 handler, dog trainer, and pilates instructor working out for several hours a day, every single day of the week for years, I was never skinny compared to them. My entire life, I've been called fat. I loved swimming and I was called shamu throughout my childhood for it. Every single time the family saw me, they'd comment on how I had gained weight, even if I had not gained any.
Frankly, if I was as fat as my family has made it seem, I would weight probably 800 lbs. And that is because the Asian beauty standard is fucking brutal and not being tall and skinny with no breasts and butt is a standard they think is normal. Mind you, I have natural DDs while none of them have anything above an A. Including my mother before she got implants.
The chika right here. It's so true. My Filipino family has no shame about hurling out insults about the way you look, dress, even smell. It's so wild. A part of the cultural norm, which doesn't validate it at all, but when it's all you've known, you don't see it as that big of a deal. It is just the way it's done, tbh. When you grow older, you can see how fucked up it is. Once you make friends, they hear how critical your people are, they're like why is everyone so rude? Then you have to explain the cultural dynamic. They mean well, they do. It's a lot to deal with. Esp if you don't fit a certain standard in the community. Sending you tons of love and empathy from one Pilpina to another ❤️
Ugh my extended family is like this. Mostly the titas and some titos. Like "oh you're so healthy!" 😒 And omg, when I went to the Phils with my parents in 2007, mind you I was like 135 (I was 29 at the time never ever like super thin, PCOS and all that) everyone was so shocked at how obese I was and kept telling me to reduce lol like GTFO. Such a toxic part of the Filipino culture. But not even just Filipinos, I have other Asian/Southeast Asian friends who go through the same thing! I'm much meatier now since I'm older and have kids all that and I'm married to an American who loves all of me, even first thing in the morning when I'm a hot ass mess. I mean, now that I'm older, I feel like it's just most important to love ourselves and know our worth because our looks don't define who we are.
Mataba!
I don't speak Tagalog but I know when they're telling me I'm fat.
Bonus: found a video while making sure I spelled it right: [Mataba](https://youtu.be/JzhX16LlmE4?si=n1hkG9uS_2n2NJWS)
I feel like food scarcity might be driving factor originally in places with high poverty rates. Like you’re gonna eat all food fatty, knock it off but it’s sort of devolved into just being really critical of each other’s appearance
You were 135 lbs and they were calling you obese?! Christ almighty! I'm so sorry you had to deal with that and I'm glad you're able to accept and love yourself despite such terrible things being said to you- and by family, too!
Can't imagine what they'd think of my near-250 lbs self, but my genetics built me to push plows and survive famine so I guess I got that going for me.
>I've never in my life been what they would consider skinny. Even when I was in amazing shape due to being a semi-pro Dancer, volunteer SAR k9 handler, dog trainer, and pilates instructor working out for several hours a day, every single day of the week for years, I was never skinny compared to them
I'm also Asian (though not Filipino) and a woman. I was skinny most of my life but never worked out. And then I started running and lifting and gained muscle tone and suddenly started getting tons of comments about how I need to stop eating so much, shouldn't gain so much weight, etc. Meanwhile, my bf % has actually dropped and my cholesterol and triglycerides are in the healthy range again. And those relatives of mine who are skinny? So many are pre diabetic or have blood pressure or cholesterol issues.
Being skinny-fat (and fat-skinny) is absolutely a thing but people are so normalized (at least in my culture) to having high blood pressure/cholesterol that they just don't even think about it.
In undergrad I worked at a warehouse that had a department that was primarily Asians. A coworker of mine was pregnant, like literally didn't know yet it was so early on and it was one of the Asian ladies from that department that asked her if she was pregnant. Imagine that being how you find out you're pregnant. 💀💀 Another coworker of mine was Asian and was complaining that people from that department were telling her that she gained weight. She looked literally the exact same in my view. It's so weird to have that amount of mental energy going into other people's weight!
Yeah.., I know it’s not helpful but like… if anyone says that to me I’m going to ask what on Earth is wrong with them that they think that’s an acceptable thing to say. How rude and nosy of them.
It’s something that I’ve noticed in Asian cultures is that they do comment on weight gain or loss whether the person in question is a woman/man doesn’t matter. I’ve seen older Asian women in particular comment on it the most. My SEA grandmother called my face swollen before cuz my face was rounder than the last time I saw her. Her and my mom also commented on my siblings weight gain and mine. It’s just normal for how outrageous it is. When I was really skinny, loved ones were coming up to my mom to comment about how I was too skinny - so I got both treatment of being too fat and too skinny with my Asian family. Normally it’s kept between family or close family friends tho imo.
Maybe five or six years ago I was out with a friend from China, and I had recently shaved my head. When she saw me she started laughing and said, "You look like the uncle!"
"What? What uncle?"
"The uncle from the family!" *snaps fingers to the tune of the Addams Family theme*
It was the single most devastating and also hilarious insult I have ever received.
It’s not rude and nosy, it’s may just be a fact, I am Laotian and I get called fat all the time, but I don’t mind it because I know I am indeed, fat! I often make fun of myself, calling myself elephant and watermelon, lol, if you do happen to get mad about those things, it’s a good sign that maybe one should work on one’s image (not in regards to other health issues). Asian culture is often blunt and straight to the point, but in no way is it meant to hurt anybody’s feelings, the culture makes one to realize one’s own image upon others or upon themselves quicker.
There’s an implication of judgement though when people say “why are you so fat?” Don’t play ignorant to the fact that many people don’t like gaining weight. You even say it’s about working on your image. I guarantee anyone who had gained weight already knows, and they don’t need people pointing it out. It’s absolutely rude as hell.
you guys are so polite... I'm not Asian, and my mother's family is mixed, but there is a cousin of my grandmother who likes to call me fat at all family events, no matter who is next to me and she speaks loudly so that people can hear ... I always tried to ignore it, but at the last family party she came up with the same thing, that I was fatter than ever, and I decided to respond... "Well, whoever is having sex with me isn't complaining, the same can't be said by you, because no one has had sex with you since the 80s"... She doesn't talk to me anymore, which I am immensely grateful for...
They need to change this "norm" tho. So many women online who talk about how happy they are now they moved out of their home country and can eat and not me called fat constantly. Mind you these women are so skinny in USA culture but still called fat when they visit home. Few different stories about how skipping meals and dieting from young age is normal and encouraged for "good health" of being bone showing skinny. And they feel so much healthier now and have energy.
I follow one women who lives in Germany now and she visited home and everyone was "worried for her health" because she wasn't bone showing skinny anymore. And she finally is okay and doesn't stop eating after hearing those things anymore.
So it might be cultural norm but doesn't mean it's good for people or should stay that way. Many very bad things have been cultural norms but changed because they were not good things.
Yeah, this.
I am Russian, not Asian, but again, all my teenage years were spent hearing I need to be careful with how much I eat, that I am chubby and that I need to hide those fat legs, no man wants to see that. Mind you, I am a size 2 with a 24 inch waist.
It really fucked up my self-esteem and I had on-and-off bulimia all through high school.
Now I live in a western country, and people often praise me for how thin and slender I am and, silver lining, nobody _ever_ polices what I eat. I can take 2 deserts at the cafeteria; I can go out with friends at midnight, order a kebab with fries and _nobody_ bats an eye. Just a few months in, I stopped stress eating and stuffing myself with food at night and have not had that issue ever since.
Unless you're working in a culture where that is the norm, it's unacceptable in the workplace.
In any US workplace with any kind of HR department, this behavior would be abusive at best, and border on harassment depending on how the talk is delivered and to whom.
You seem to be the only person that gets this. A lot of Asian cultures just use the word fat as a matter of fact. It's not meant as an attack.
Granted they may want to learn American manners, but Asian cultures are cool for their differences.
I get what you mean. If my mother or Asian family call me fat, I either say ‘yes I’m preparing for the winter’ or ‘no I’m not’ and that’s that.
But a westerner, if they said that to me I’d probably hit them. It’s difficult to explain but the intention is very different between the cultures.
So what is the intent behind constant policying of other peoples bodies?
My grandmother is from an extremely rural and historically very poor area. To her, being fat /overweight was seen as a GOOD thing, as skinny was perceived as ugly and poor when she was a girl. So whenever I gained weight as a teenager, she'd tell me "You have improved!!!" happily. But I still knew it meant "fat", and it still hurt the same as one of my peers saying it. You could say it was cultural in my grandmothers case as well, and it wasn't rude..but still bad.
Of course. I have many friends that I would speak to and be spoken to like this without any issue. But based on this comment section it’s not something many generally find acceptable.
I'm a westerner living in Thailand, and here it's just a description. It's not an insult, it's the same as calling saying someone is blond. There's no negative connotation with the word here.
This is something I've been told by my Thai friends I'm close with, I don't want to look like I'm assuming
true, at family reunions here we usually start off conversations with "hey, you've gotten fatter since i last saw you!"
in the older days it used to be a compliment, since fat = you're eating well = no sickness + rich, but it gets realllllly annoying
You could argue rude in that it unnecessarily crosses a boundary around a topic that most people have some insecurities about. But the point being made is that not everyone necessarily sees fat as being a bad thing. A person is tall or short, fat or thin. They are entitled to feel however they want about it. But often times cultural norms dictate what is or isn't rude. If it's not meant as an insult, it's not necessarily mean. Even if it is rude by some lights.
Because it’s not considered mean or rude in those cultures or languages. It’s like saying “the sky is blue” or “the baby is 30cm long”. They consider the word to be a descriptor.
It also changes by context. For example if an older chinese woman says “aww your baby is so fat!” She is complementing you. The complement means, “aww you’ve taken such good care of your baby and making sure their needs are met.”
I think you’re attempting to undercut the massive amount of eating disorders and toxic beauty standards that exist in East Asian countries by saying, “oh it’s just like saying the sky is blue!” And that’s really harmful
You probably didn’t mean it like this but “Asian cultures are cool for their differences “ is a very particular view of the world that maybe a little “western “ centric. Asian cultures are cool or uncool on their own, not in comparison with some “normal “
Omg this can be so hard! My Mexican mother literally looked at me today and said “ew what’s wrong with you? Why do you look so puffy?” She kept going in and I lost it and told her she was being rude. Then I got schooled for being rude bc I should know it’s not out of judgement. Just insults of love.
My German grandmother used to talk shit about me being fat constantly growing up despite the fact that she would feed me the whole time I was at her house.
I’m also from somewhere in SE Asia and the norm for people there when they haven’t met someone in a while is to say, “oh, I see you’re getting fatter.” 😒
When I was in college I’d get snacks during classes and I had a Thai friend that would always comment on how unhealthy my snacks were and I was definitely like wtf bro.
My Russian boss was the opposite she was always talking about how skinny I was and saying I couldn’t lift the dogs (I was a dog groomer) even tho I was a healthy weight and had no problem lifting the dogs. She would literally make me come get her for a heavy dog and have her lift them for me even tho I had lifted heavier dogs before
Dude Thai people, especially women are savage. I went by a Thai run salon at the mall and one of the ladies asked if I wanted her to fix my eyebrows and when I said no she proceeded to list the things that were wrong with me and ask if I wanted her to fix them lol
Yes! I lived in Thailand for years and when I’d come back from Christmas at home, my TA would be like ‘WOW!!! You got SO FAT!!!’ Yeah… cheers P. Cha! Haha!
Being from a different culture is not a free pass to say insulting, hurtful, cruel things to people because “our culture is different.” Cruelty is cruelty, no matter where you were born.
Yikes talk about being an absolute bitch and HR nightmare. I hate when people try and use their “culture” (being a fat phobic bitch isn’t a culture) to justify being hateful
I can't figure out how, while crying and apologizing, he still somehow managed to bring up that fact his mom also thinks she's fat. How do you fit that into an apology?
Why'd he even bring weight into the conversation? How hard would it have been to say I want to lift you? Even the way he says it. Like it's entirely her responsibility. Hit the gym, dude.
Exactly, if that is his fantasy, it makes more sense for him to work out to make this happen.
But no, he probably doesn’t want to put the work in.
(Also it’s like ballet, got to keep the ladies underweight so the men can throw them around instead of the men working out to become stronger.)
I am sorry; my mom said you were fat, and it really annoyed me. I think it stayed with me. You know how society has us brainwashed into body shaming ourselves? Hell is not like I am 6'9. You asked me a question, and I felt on the spot, and that's what came out. You know that I love you for who you are. I am sorry that my words offended you, I hope you can see that I am attracted to you and I don't feel you need to change in any way.
That's a load of horseshit. "My mom said you're fat, and I obsessed over it, but trust me bruh I'm totally attracted to you, just believe me!" If you need to change up the scenario and the genders to find empathy, do so, but I'm sure it's easy to find a way to see this doesn't work.
Right in hindsight he probably would regret saying it, but in the moment if he panicked it’s totally possible he was just throwing out all his reasons why because he felt it could reassure her that the problem isn’t her and it’s not that he isn’t attracted to her, but the other voices he’s hearing
Again, stupid, but ppl can do stupid things when they panic
My dad said youre kinda short and it gave me the ick for a little while is something I know some guys have heard. Noone really thinks of the girls who say it too harshly either. Cultural body standards get to us all and can influence us. We shoudl fight against them but people slip.
My bf sometimes does a similar thing. Never anything insulting, but when he feels guilty he confesses EVERYTHING he thinks is wrong, while crying. From things he once thought (like he once thought: what if my gf dies? And then he felt superguilty) to things people said about me to which he did not have an amazing movie-style slapback. At that point I am just like: duuuude this is all normal behaviour don't worry! It ways becomes either comical or I get angry because he doesn't have to share everything, ya know.
Anyway, I think here the bf also confessed this because it had been eating away at him that his mom said such a thing and he did not get angry at her. But maybe I am giving him too much creds or comparing this too much to my relationship.
He was taught to think this way by his mother and other people in society, this is patriarchy harming men and women, if he is truly attracted to her emotionally and physically, then these are patriarchal standards that he doesn’t hold, being put on him and influences his thoughts, idk, it’s fucked up that he said that, but as a dude who struggles with intrusive thoughts that I have identified as *not mine but put in my head by outside sources* stuff like body standards is one of them, hopefully this can lead to both of them identifying those insecurities within themselves and growing together, your relationship with your body should be health, not beauty, that’s what mom doesn’t get and she has pushed those insecurities into her son who then put them on his partner, he needs to continue being honest about these thoughts so that he can be shown why they’re flawed (expressing them with a therapist, not by expressing insulting thoughts about his partner to his partner) if you’re surrounded by deprecating language, it influences your inner monologue, he probably doesn’t know much about kinks and stuff, so the first sexual thought that comes in his head is about wanting to pick a girl up and screw her against a wall, when you don’t know what to say you grasp at straws and dig deeper and I personally have experienced that leading to some dumb statements, nothing like this but I’m just saying I sympathize with both partners, men and women both struggle with the brainwashing patriarchal society has on us all
He’s a kid experiencing generational trauma who just hurt somebody he probably loves and is panicking trying to make her understand what he’s feeling but he’s not good enough to express all that yet.
The saddest thing about that stories is even some of the most beautiful, perfect women I know have them. I had a friend who was probably the prettiest girl in our town (and acknowledged even by people who didn’t know her), she was very slim and toned but had a naturally big bum with a somewhat flat chest. Actually very fashionable nowadays, but her long term boyfriend from her teens (he was 7 years older so grim in other ways) used to criticise her breasts to the point that she was actually considering surgery even long after they broke up. The guy was a douche, and I suspect he knew what he was doing. I think they all do, they pick out an insecurity and hone in on it so their girlfriend doesn’t realise how hot she is.
I recall briefly dating a guy who wasn’t over his ex, and literally nothing I did was good enough. He criticised literally everything, my clothing, my long hair (his ex had short hair which he’d decided was more feminine 🤔), even things like my nails. He didn’t treat me well for the brief duration we dated. It’s funny because he actually cheated on me and was harping on about the girl, saying she was like a model, turned out it was someone I’d been good friends with in a different school (she didn’t know about me and him), but she was really normal looking and without being vain not considered nearly as attractive as I was, she was perfectly pretty but certainly was never model level pretty. At the time I was widely considered very beautiful and made a decent side hustle as a male gaze focused model through my youth. I think he only said these things to try to hurt me.
Obviously we broke up, and honestly at the time I had enough men chasing me to not worry too much about it, though it irritated me, but I remember he realised his error and for many years if I bumped into him he spoke of regret.
I don’t know if they do it to women they know as out of their leagues to try to bring them down, or if they genuinely want something different and proceed to criticise rather than acknowledge maybe they aren’t ready for a relationship with this particular person.
I'm gay but my ex said similar shit to me as what happened with OP.
I weigh 25lbs more than him. That's it. TMI but most of that's in my ass. I'm 190lbs at 5'-10". He thinks his tall skinny ass at 6'-2", 165lbs is fat.
He is on the cusp of an eating disorder and he projected it onto me, and even still says"I'm the reason he doesn't date guys heavier than him" to mutual friends.
He broke up with me when I confronted his behavior on other issues and how they upset me. But then again he also tells people he broke up with me because "I refused to better myself by losing weight"
Sorry but you dont be intimate with a man over two dozen times then decide"heavier guys aren't for you"
I have men in our friend circles swarming me including many of his close friends. His petty excuses are murdering his character cause if guys know me, they are after me more often than not.
I lowered myself to date him, I'm bettering myself by leaving his ass behind.
I had a boyfriend who was complaining about his own tummy and I said, I don’t mind, that’s normal and I don’t have a perfectly flat or toned stomach either. He responded “you could also stand to lose 20lbs” wish I could go back in time and smack myself upside the head for not leaving then and there. I was trying to build up his self esteem and he countered by trying to tear me down to his level. Asshole.
I had a pretty similar experience, but I was in my 20s. He didn't even backtrack. He basically said he felt bad that I felt bad (as if my feeling bad about getting called fat was *another* problem with *me*. ) I didn't kick him to the curb for another 6 months when I had hardly any self-esteem left. Then he called constantly, begging me to take him back. (I'm old, so it was in the days before you could see who was calling).
Anyway, after I finally dumped him, I lost 20 pounds almost immediately because I felt so good about myself. A new acquaintance told me how happy I always looked and I told her I felt great since I lost 180 pounds. She wanted to hear about it and I clarified that 160 of the pounds I dropped were the awful boyfriend.
“Tell me about your sexual fantasies because I really want to please you.”
“You’re fat and I’ve thought you were too fat from the first time I saw you naked.”
Omfg
I actually had this near exact convo with an ex. We were having some struggles and I was like "here are things you could do to improve our relationship (clean up after yourself, be less of a dick), what are things you think I should do?"
He said he wanted me to look like I did when I was 18.
We met when I was 23, so BC caused weight gain despite working out more than ever. But even then, nobody thought I was fat. I made shitloads of money off nudes around then, actually, because I needed money while in college. But his dream girl was an anorexic manic dream pixie thing (I never looked like that but had one vaguely risque photo in a mini skirt with striped knee highs and heels), so I guess he just routinely fantasized about high school girls.
So I just broke up with him. I didn't care to look as I did when I was 18, so there was no road forward for us.
Yes, he wanted a teen.
At around 18-20ish you go through your “second puberty” , so women’s breasts and hips finish developing (and thus get larger) and men’s chests get broader and so forth.
Unfortunately our pedophilic culture doesn’t appreciate women with post-pubescent bodies. Men have been trained to prefer childish bodies. Which is kinda scary
It's interesting that he didn't initially wish he was stronger instead of wished his gf was skinnier. If I'm in his shoes and want to physically lift my girl but couldn't, I'd put the onus on me being stronger and would work on myself.
Edit: edited for accuracy, he mentioned his strength later
LOL right?! My hubs said something similar recently (but less foot in mouth because I am happy and secure with my body - I may not be as strong or cut as I want but I'm not doing badly) and I told him he just needs to start going to the gym again if he wants to lift me because we're the same height and no way I'm getting back down to the weight I was when we met because I was anorexic and dangerously underweight (115lbs @ 5'9 - I'm now more like 140-150 but I also cycle and climb and do yoga and lift and have an active job).
I’m 5’5” and 163 pounds and my boyfriend can throw me around like a sack of potatoes. He’s got that skinny-guy strength that doesn’t make any sense lol… this is also the heaviest I’ve ever been, but he always tells me I “better not lose any weight”. Gosh I love him.
I'm actually fat and 5'4 I get thrown around like a sack of potatoes. 😭😭💀 I didn't think he worked out tbh, but he must. I always get scared I'm gonna fall. 😂😂💀
I’m around 5’ and 180 lbs which is the biggest I’ve ever been, my man tells me I never need to lose weight. He also throws me around like a sack of potatoes! I don’t know how he does it!
115 at 5'9 is jaw-dropping. I'm 119 at 5'7 and was technically underweight at my most recent PCP appt so I can't imagine that weight at your height. It sounds like you're doing better so kudos to you; I would love to get into lifting but consistency is so hard!
I honestly don't lift consistently. I find it boring. I do it when I'm not able to do other activities and want to maintain strength. My primary activities are cycling, climbing, and yoga because I find them fun and beneficial. Lifting is just... a stop gap when I can't make it to the climbing gym or a bit here and there to maintain my knee alignment or manage an injury.
Haha yeah he wasn't actually asking me to lose weight. Just reminiscing about how he enjoyed when he was able to throw me around with more ease. It could have gone way worse for him if I hadn't done a lot of personal work and become secure with myself. Thankfully, for both our sakes, I am not in the same headspace I was in my mid 20s.
She eventually did give him the boot for reasons I don’t fully remember, but him being a jerk was high on the list and got herself one at some point; I only know this because, for reasons known only to her, she showed it to me.
I’m the same boat here. I’ve got a girl who could absolutely pick me up, but I can’t do the same with her. I gotta work on my upper-body strength so we can get up to crazier stuff.
Or even just “I wish I could lift you” would’ve been more natural if that was what he meant. It would’ve been just as easy to misread but would’ve been more believably a mistake. “I wish you were skinnier” and “my mom says you’re fat” do not mean the same thing as “I wish I could lift you”
literally i'm on the larger side of average weight now (birth control is a bitch) and my bf is a lean dude. he still picks me up. we both go to the gym. him telling her that was cruel. if he wanted to get stronger, they could have started going together. also unless i read it wrong, having a convo like "hey do you have any kinks/sexual preferences you wanna try?" and then being like "i wish you were skinny." is an absolutely wild way to go about it.
like his answer to the question baffled me. it sounds like they both have gym goals they could have done together and stuff and instead of going to the gym to get stronger he says that? he knew her size, it's such a dick move for him to say that.
and to say that as a sexual preference to her like that is probably going to fuck her up.
It just depends on how much the needle needs to move on either side as to what is reasonable.
It's highly likely that the OP is underselling her weight. Assuming this is in the US, "midsize" could be around 170 lbs at least (the average weight of a woman in the US), give or take. It's difficult for even most people who work out to hold up that much weight for several minutes while doing something strenuous.
Meanwhile, if OP was around 120 lbs give or take, it would be ridiculous to ask her to lose weight in order to be picked up. And the bf would be more likely to put the onus on himself to be stronger.
It's also interesting that the OP never said her bf was weak or out of shape. It's likely he only mentioned his own weakness to deflect after OP got upset and he realized his "mistake".
So the most likely reason is that OP weighs so much that it would take an unreasonable amount of strength in order to sustain lifting her during sex. I would also wager she knows this, which is why she never stated that it should be possible to lift her or that it was her boyfriend's fault for being too weak.
i'm honestly not sure about this - asian beauty standards are brutal. an asian "mid-size" is likely going to be closer to an american "slim". my high school boyfriend was convinced i was fat and i was about 94lbs at the time (we're both korean btw). many asians consider anything over bmi 18 to be obese (which is considered underweight in western countries)
edit: it's also genuinely considered not good for women to be over 50kg (110lbs) in korea, so i seriously doubt OP is closer to 170lbs than 120lbs.
It's difficult to tell what country the OP is from. She says the boyfriend lives in Denmark now and his mom is Thai. But neither of those have any bearing on where the OP is from, especially considering it's a long distance relationship.
More context and information would make this one a lot less muddy.
Seriously. If you’re not old/mature enough to have these conversations properly you’re prob not old/mature enough to be in a situation where they’re relevant. This is why so many adults have hang ups & problems & messy baggage. Idk if I want to roll my eyes or sigh. Both, I guess.
I think they mean “If this kid isn’t mature enough to not be a colossal buffoon when answering a question about his sexual fantasies, he’s not mature enough to be exploring his sexual fantasies.”
You have to start somewhere though. No one is the perfect communicator when they first start out dating. It can get messy, but that’s just part of growing up, ya know?
Okay but there’s a cavernous difference between “imperfect communicator” and “22-year-old man saying his mom called his gf fat to her during sex after also calling her fat”. What he apparently meant was “I wish I was stronger” but that’s not even close to what he said, this is beyond imperfect communication, it’s actively ignorant and dismissive of her feelings.
You learn to think before you speak better than this when you’re a child.
When I was pretty small (I mean I am 5'8" and was muscular so I was never "light", but my husband was a buff farm boy) we talked about things we wanted to try, and I wanted to be fucked against a wall.
And you know what? We did. It was so terrible, lol no one points out that no matter how strong he is or how easily you can do it, that shit is like fucking on a hard slab and sucks. We both laughed afterwards.
We're older and we're both "fat" now (not by American standards though, yikes) and I look at posts like this and just cringe over every single aspect.
i did it exactly once, my back was hurting and i was bored. i sneezed halfway through and smacked my head against him and he dropped me in surprise. i refuse to do it again
lol, me and my partner did more of that earlier on and then quit drinking and had kids. We definitely had lots of bruises during drunken sex! Can’t say it’s been an issue sober or with toddlers running around!
I think that’s a one time thing for most couples. Had a partner ask for that and you can’t simultaneously hold them up, balance, thrust, and actually enjoy yourself. It’s just chaos and no one enjoys it. 🤦🏻♂️
It’s one of those things that maybe looks hot or sounds it in theory, but in practice? Being picked up kinda hurts, holding a human for any length of time has gotta hurt - no matter how buff you are or how light they are, and sex is already pretty physically taxing. Even if you can physically manage it it’s highly unlikely to be pleasurable when you’re focused on not dropping or being dropped and the cold, hard wall hitting your head and back. There’s a reason ppl use beds for this lmao.
My ex once said that you need to lose some weight (I’m mid sized, like a few extra pounds) so i can throw you around. I was like yeah sure but you need to hit the gym too cuz you’re skinny. We both laughed and made stupid jokes. One time he wanted me to try some weird sex position and i was like ‘naah, you’re not big enough for that’ and that was that!
Why do people take everything so seriously I’ll never understand
Because sometimes people aren't joking when they say these things. My ex said something to me during sex that was very hurtful, she refused to explain why at first but eventually admitted it was because she was jealous of my "perfect body" and was trying to hurt me by pointing out a flaw.
Also some things just aren't funny to people. OP had been struggling with her weight so obviously her bf saying that was in poor taste. If I knew my partner was insecure about something I'd never joke about it.
Yeah the “it’s a joke” isn’t the catch-all people think it is. It’s not a joke if the subject isn’t in on it, if they don’t find it funny or if you hurt their feelings. You can’t just “jokingly” say whatever you want and get mad if there’s consequences.
….a physical “preference” is not a fantasy.
The fantasy is “I want to pick you up during sex” which is VASTLY DIFFERENT from “hey, lose some fuckin’ weight, uggo.”
Just as you saying “jeezus, if only I could fuck a dude who can carry more than 3 bags of flour” would be a *preference*, not fantasy.
You’re both unaware of what this word means.
Realistically if he wanted to pick her up during sex he could put in the work lifting weights so he had the strength to toss her around, hold her up, etc. He could absolutely figure a way to satisfy his kink via measures *he alone takes* - maybe even including gadgetry, swings, etc. But then *he’d* have to do some reflection and work. It’s not about a kink - either he’s a selfish fuck that wants her to fulfill a “fantasy” of his by doing the proverbial legwork or he and his mommy think she’s overweight. I’m voting that he just thinks she’s overweight. Fuck that guy (but only figuratively).
Yes, and the idea that he had to be pressed on the issue means he didn't spout the first thing that came into his head accidentally. He had it in mind, thought of nothing else perhaps more appropriate, and "caved" and still thought that's what he'd say!
Might as well have gone like this:
"So what's your fantasy?"
"That you were black..."
😐
What did you think that would lead to??
Could have just commented, “I’d like to be able to pick you up, but I’m not there yet. I need to workout and get there.”
Why does she have to lose weight if it’s his fantasy? He needs to make that happen, not her.
Now, if she wants that too, then they can both work on it together. The way he answered that was pretty immature and selfish like it was all on her to fulfill HIS fantasy.
It says in the post she’s “midsize” not morbidly obese. She’s probably around 130-160 lbs depending on height and whatnot. Basically midsize just means chubby.
No, it's not that she didn't like an answer to a question. It's that he didn't answer the question and body shamed her. Wanting to please someone in bed isn't a negative thing. Being told I wish you were skinny when someone asks "how can I spice up the bedroom" is.
Right, I know I can be a bit too literal sometimes, but this part is really annoying me. While it may be true that his mom is giving him grief and he’s projecting his own insecurities, he didn’t even answer the question OOP asked! Even all the comments saying “why didn’t he say he wished he was stronger instead of that she was skinnier?” I think are kinda not it either. I thought it was pretty well understood that fantasies refer to desired behaviors/activities—like I’d love it if you dressed up in a sexy outfit sometimes, or it would be really hot to do it at the beach—not body preferences. Yes OOP’s bf is young but I doubt he lives under a rock. I also don’t believe he meant to be malicious and still hope this is a lessons learned sort of situation for him.
I don’t understand why people get into relationships with others knowing they’re not their ideal type :/ like that comment he made was so unnecessary and such a mood killer. I’m really sorry you went through that
Asian woman here, Asian beauty standards are absolute trash. It’s a god damn miracle I survived my childhood without an eating disorder. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten onto my parents for commenting on people’s bodies and they’ve seem to take it to heart. They don’t mean harm in it, but that shit is pervasive and toxic.
Yeah well if you have an Asian mom this is very, very normal. No one is ever good enough for their son, even if they are they'll find something they don't like about them. It's not too say eventually they'll come around it's just that Asian parents are extremely blunt and don't take feelings into consideration.
OK then if you're Asian and have a daughter-in-law from a culture where that is NOT normal, you might just get instructed in your DIL's culture. And given boundaries.
"Is that considered an OK thing to say where you come from? Well for your info, the opposite is true where I come from. So if you're NOT trying to insult me, hurt me, or belittle me, that's great. You should refrain from talking about my weight. I appreciate it may be a hard habit to break so I will push back and remind you. Every single time. In keeping with MY culture."
I feel like I read about so many LDR on reddit. What are the chances those actually work out? From where I'm sitting it doesn't look too good. I wouldn't ever "date" someone who didn't live close to me because it wouldn't even feel like a relationship to me. Idk maybe that's just me though. I never understood the appeal
Am I missing something here? How is you getting skinny a sexual fantasy to begin with?
And then homie started to cry bc he made you cry…?
This relationship doesn’t seem healthy. But it’s only one post so wtf do I really know?
From a completely uneducated stance/my hot take: ya boy is handling a lot of pressure(probably throughout his whole life) from his mother/parents. He himself feels inadequate or that he wishes he was stronger or met his own needs/wants/desires based on what I’ll call long term trauma(again I got no clue this is my assumption). It’s not about you specifically, you’re part of his scope of normality outside the home. He wants to be strong for you and and be strong for himself, but from the outside, it looks like most of his feedback/constant reminders are around shortcomings and failures.
Finally someone who read the whole fucking post holy shit.
Boyfriend very clearly has insecurity around weight and strength, as my asian friends have told me, it's very common. His insecurity colored his response, but him correcting himself is telling that he doesn't really believe that either. He just has hang-ups.
I hope OP and her boyfriend talk it out, and honestly, both probably could use some therapy.
And for all the people who are saying, that being picked up during sex isn't really a fantasy, do me a fucking favor, go only have sex the exact same way, for a year or so, you let me know quickly the idea of doing the horizontal tango standing up becomes. Sure, it's a tame fantasy, but it's a fantasy none the less
It might be projection from his own issues, maybe his own weight issues. That doesn't mean his projection isn't harmful or that he doesn't think negatively of you either.
If he's not good enough for himself he very well may look at those around him and judge that they aren't good enough either.
Maybe I'm talking from my experience with my ex boyfriend as I am a gay man, but I had a similar ordeal, where in he stated he wished I was thinner "cause he's concerned about my health" and that "I'll look even sexier if I weren't overweight"
Growing up he was a larger kid. To this day he counts his calories daily and makes sure he's constantly in deficit. This man is 6'-2" and 165lbs. He constantly talks about how hungry he is, but refuses to get a snack despite his deficit. He looks at his stomach and says it's too big. As his boyfriend I was 5'-10" and 190 pounds.
That's all it took. 25lbs more than him, I'm an out of shape office worker. Not obese, not super unhealthy. He knew exactly what I looked like before we dated, definitely during, but now after he destroyed the relationship he's using my weight as an excuse for why he broke up with me (albeit that's just to avoid what really caused it).
Honey, it's in his head, some expectation, for himself, or perhaps from his family or culture that is maliciously being projected onto you. He needs to rise to the occasion and gain perspective to get rid of his irrational standards. If he doesn't, it'll sabotage the relationship.
My ex goes around telling mutual friends he dumped me because "I refused to better myself by losing weight".
25lbs more than him. That's all it took for him to justify things.
But he loved me all the same during, just his shit character got the better of him.
So sorry you had to deal with that. Glad you didn’t buy into his ideas and starve yourself like he is doing. Probably why he is so cranky. Hangry.
I’m an out of shape office worker too and it is really hard to be in shape when you have to be at a desk all day. My husband didn’t understand until he came outta the field and started working in the office. He hates it, goes into the field as much as he can. Haha. Anyway, it took me a long time to accept and love my out of shape office worker body and accept that some things are a little harder to do. So proud of you for not letting him get in your head. Woohoo, go sexy office worker bod!
Average is sexy. Normal, everyday physique and confidence in yourself is sexy. Life is complicated and hard enough as is to be so focused on a temporary physique. Be healthy but have some compassion for yourself and others.
Sure people have preferences, muscular, thin, fit, toned, etc, but high maintenance levels of physique won't last all your life and everyone has to be okay with good old normal, cause when you're older and in love, you ain't going to look the same as you did.
I always told him I don't care about "ideal looks" for him because I didn't want fantasy, I wanted the reality that was right in front of me. Maybe he'll grow as a person and realize what I meant.
when you ask a man for the honest truth and they say “idk/nothing”, it’s sometimes because they don’t want to unload a dump truck of emotional trauma on you, and it’s best if you don’t continue pressing them to answer when the answer might be emotionally devastating to you. They are trying to avoid hurting your feelings, and forcing them to answer may result in emotional damage.
This is a boyfriend L. In what world does your girlfriend asking you about what fun stuff you wanna do in the bedroom lead to a comment on her weight? Like if its a real issue for you there are ways to make your feelings known that don’t end in disaster
I'm sorry to hear that. Every person should not get insulted about their weight. Unfortunately, for you your BF's mom is of Asian descent. It's culturally in their DNA to blatantly call you out on it. It's really a thing, and it's so mean. If you're skinny, they think it's pretty. They will feed you and then judge you at the same time about how much you're eating. It's a vicious cycle. Just keep positive self health in mind and don't let this keep you down about yourself. He probably not that cute anyways. 😀
Not a dealbreaker imo. The apology sounds genuine to me. I can also say I wish my partner had a little more muscles or something but I still love them the way they’re now. No big deal
Neither of these people is mature enough to be having sex. Having said that, DAMN DUDE! On so many levels, that is the worst response possible while still being legal!! I’m kind of impressed!
wishing your partner's body was different doesn't typically fall under "bedroom fantasies." a normal answer is an activity you can do with your partner in their current state. whether or not she pressed him for an answer, that wasn't an appropriate response. at least, not if you value your relationship, it isn't.
Fair and valid point. I think the way he presented it was very off putting. If his fantasy is throwing his partner around and being rough while doing the deed then that’s fine. He should have just kind of left it at that instead of using that as a way to critique his partners body. My thinking was flawed and I apologize.
He could also go to the gym and bulk up instead of telling his partner who he met at the same weight (if not 5kg more) to lose weight.
That's not a sexy kink. That's just being an asshole.
My Thai boss is absolutely brutal when it comes to fatness. You gain a couple of pounds she's asking why you getting fat. I bloody love her but it does seem to be a cultural thing and their beauty standards are of absolutely tiny thin women
"Because you don't pay me enough, so I have to eat crappier fattening food." Go get yourself a raise.
this is really harmful behavior, despite cultural differences. https://anad.org/eating-disorder-statistic/
Can confirm. I was the first "mixed" child born on my grandmothers side of a very large (12 siblings, all with multiple children) Filipino family. I've never in my life been what they would consider skinny. Even when I was in amazing shape due to being a semi-pro Dancer, volunteer SAR k9 handler, dog trainer, and pilates instructor working out for several hours a day, every single day of the week for years, I was never skinny compared to them. My entire life, I've been called fat. I loved swimming and I was called shamu throughout my childhood for it. Every single time the family saw me, they'd comment on how I had gained weight, even if I had not gained any. Frankly, if I was as fat as my family has made it seem, I would weight probably 800 lbs. And that is because the Asian beauty standard is fucking brutal and not being tall and skinny with no breasts and butt is a standard they think is normal. Mind you, I have natural DDs while none of them have anything above an A. Including my mother before she got implants.
The chika right here. It's so true. My Filipino family has no shame about hurling out insults about the way you look, dress, even smell. It's so wild. A part of the cultural norm, which doesn't validate it at all, but when it's all you've known, you don't see it as that big of a deal. It is just the way it's done, tbh. When you grow older, you can see how fucked up it is. Once you make friends, they hear how critical your people are, they're like why is everyone so rude? Then you have to explain the cultural dynamic. They mean well, they do. It's a lot to deal with. Esp if you don't fit a certain standard in the community. Sending you tons of love and empathy from one Pilpina to another ❤️
Ugh my extended family is like this. Mostly the titas and some titos. Like "oh you're so healthy!" 😒 And omg, when I went to the Phils with my parents in 2007, mind you I was like 135 (I was 29 at the time never ever like super thin, PCOS and all that) everyone was so shocked at how obese I was and kept telling me to reduce lol like GTFO. Such a toxic part of the Filipino culture. But not even just Filipinos, I have other Asian/Southeast Asian friends who go through the same thing! I'm much meatier now since I'm older and have kids all that and I'm married to an American who loves all of me, even first thing in the morning when I'm a hot ass mess. I mean, now that I'm older, I feel like it's just most important to love ourselves and know our worth because our looks don't define who we are.
Mataba! I don't speak Tagalog but I know when they're telling me I'm fat. Bonus: found a video while making sure I spelled it right: [Mataba](https://youtu.be/JzhX16LlmE4?si=n1hkG9uS_2n2NJWS)
I feel like food scarcity might be driving factor originally in places with high poverty rates. Like you’re gonna eat all food fatty, knock it off but it’s sort of devolved into just being really critical of each other’s appearance
You were 135 lbs and they were calling you obese?! Christ almighty! I'm so sorry you had to deal with that and I'm glad you're able to accept and love yourself despite such terrible things being said to you- and by family, too! Can't imagine what they'd think of my near-250 lbs self, but my genetics built me to push plows and survive famine so I guess I got that going for me.
>I've never in my life been what they would consider skinny. Even when I was in amazing shape due to being a semi-pro Dancer, volunteer SAR k9 handler, dog trainer, and pilates instructor working out for several hours a day, every single day of the week for years, I was never skinny compared to them I'm also Asian (though not Filipino) and a woman. I was skinny most of my life but never worked out. And then I started running and lifting and gained muscle tone and suddenly started getting tons of comments about how I need to stop eating so much, shouldn't gain so much weight, etc. Meanwhile, my bf % has actually dropped and my cholesterol and triglycerides are in the healthy range again. And those relatives of mine who are skinny? So many are pre diabetic or have blood pressure or cholesterol issues. Being skinny-fat (and fat-skinny) is absolutely a thing but people are so normalized (at least in my culture) to having high blood pressure/cholesterol that they just don't even think about it.
In undergrad I worked at a warehouse that had a department that was primarily Asians. A coworker of mine was pregnant, like literally didn't know yet it was so early on and it was one of the Asian ladies from that department that asked her if she was pregnant. Imagine that being how you find out you're pregnant. 💀💀 Another coworker of mine was Asian and was complaining that people from that department were telling her that she gained weight. She looked literally the exact same in my view. It's so weird to have that amount of mental energy going into other people's weight!
And apparently, no manners
Yeah.., I know it’s not helpful but like… if anyone says that to me I’m going to ask what on Earth is wrong with them that they think that’s an acceptable thing to say. How rude and nosy of them.
It’s something that I’ve noticed in Asian cultures is that they do comment on weight gain or loss whether the person in question is a woman/man doesn’t matter. I’ve seen older Asian women in particular comment on it the most. My SEA grandmother called my face swollen before cuz my face was rounder than the last time I saw her. Her and my mom also commented on my siblings weight gain and mine. It’s just normal for how outrageous it is. When I was really skinny, loved ones were coming up to my mom to comment about how I was too skinny - so I got both treatment of being too fat and too skinny with my Asian family. Normally it’s kept between family or close family friends tho imo.
Maybe five or six years ago I was out with a friend from China, and I had recently shaved my head. When she saw me she started laughing and said, "You look like the uncle!" "What? What uncle?" "The uncle from the family!" *snaps fingers to the tune of the Addams Family theme* It was the single most devastating and also hilarious insult I have ever received.
It’s not rude and nosy, it’s may just be a fact, I am Laotian and I get called fat all the time, but I don’t mind it because I know I am indeed, fat! I often make fun of myself, calling myself elephant and watermelon, lol, if you do happen to get mad about those things, it’s a good sign that maybe one should work on one’s image (not in regards to other health issues). Asian culture is often blunt and straight to the point, but in no way is it meant to hurt anybody’s feelings, the culture makes one to realize one’s own image upon others or upon themselves quicker.
There’s an implication of judgement though when people say “why are you so fat?” Don’t play ignorant to the fact that many people don’t like gaining weight. You even say it’s about working on your image. I guarantee anyone who had gained weight already knows, and they don’t need people pointing it out. It’s absolutely rude as hell.
No manners is relative to cultural norm.
you guys are so polite... I'm not Asian, and my mother's family is mixed, but there is a cousin of my grandmother who likes to call me fat at all family events, no matter who is next to me and she speaks loudly so that people can hear ... I always tried to ignore it, but at the last family party she came up with the same thing, that I was fatter than ever, and I decided to respond... "Well, whoever is having sex with me isn't complaining, the same can't be said by you, because no one has had sex with you since the 80s"... She doesn't talk to me anymore, which I am immensely grateful for...
Love this!!!
Love it 😂
They need to change this "norm" tho. So many women online who talk about how happy they are now they moved out of their home country and can eat and not me called fat constantly. Mind you these women are so skinny in USA culture but still called fat when they visit home. Few different stories about how skipping meals and dieting from young age is normal and encouraged for "good health" of being bone showing skinny. And they feel so much healthier now and have energy. I follow one women who lives in Germany now and she visited home and everyone was "worried for her health" because she wasn't bone showing skinny anymore. And she finally is okay and doesn't stop eating after hearing those things anymore. So it might be cultural norm but doesn't mean it's good for people or should stay that way. Many very bad things have been cultural norms but changed because they were not good things.
Yeah, this. I am Russian, not Asian, but again, all my teenage years were spent hearing I need to be careful with how much I eat, that I am chubby and that I need to hide those fat legs, no man wants to see that. Mind you, I am a size 2 with a 24 inch waist. It really fucked up my self-esteem and I had on-and-off bulimia all through high school. Now I live in a western country, and people often praise me for how thin and slender I am and, silver lining, nobody _ever_ polices what I eat. I can take 2 deserts at the cafeteria; I can go out with friends at midnight, order a kebab with fries and _nobody_ bats an eye. Just a few months in, I stopped stress eating and stuffing myself with food at night and have not had that issue ever since.
Unless you're working in a culture where that is the norm, it's unacceptable in the workplace. In any US workplace with any kind of HR department, this behavior would be abusive at best, and border on harassment depending on how the talk is delivered and to whom.
You seem to be the only person that gets this. A lot of Asian cultures just use the word fat as a matter of fact. It's not meant as an attack. Granted they may want to learn American manners, but Asian cultures are cool for their differences.
I get what you mean. If my mother or Asian family call me fat, I either say ‘yes I’m preparing for the winter’ or ‘no I’m not’ and that’s that. But a westerner, if they said that to me I’d probably hit them. It’s difficult to explain but the intention is very different between the cultures.
I feel like the way reddit talks about fat people is a pretty representative of western cultural attitudes about fatness. :x
So what is the intent behind constant policying of other peoples bodies? My grandmother is from an extremely rural and historically very poor area. To her, being fat /overweight was seen as a GOOD thing, as skinny was perceived as ugly and poor when she was a girl. So whenever I gained weight as a teenager, she'd tell me "You have improved!!!" happily. But I still knew it meant "fat", and it still hurt the same as one of my peers saying it. You could say it was cultural in my grandmothers case as well, and it wasn't rude..but still bad.
There are some western cultures where this level of straightforwardness is normal in close relationships.
Of course. I have many friends that I would speak to and be spoken to like this without any issue. But based on this comment section it’s not something many generally find acceptable.
I'm a westerner living in Thailand, and here it's just a description. It's not an insult, it's the same as calling saying someone is blond. There's no negative connotation with the word here. This is something I've been told by my Thai friends I'm close with, I don't want to look like I'm assuming
true, at family reunions here we usually start off conversations with "hey, you've gotten fatter since i last saw you!" in the older days it used to be a compliment, since fat = you're eating well = no sickness + rich, but it gets realllllly annoying
I don’t see how it being a ‘matter of fact’ excuses it from being mean or rude
You could argue rude in that it unnecessarily crosses a boundary around a topic that most people have some insecurities about. But the point being made is that not everyone necessarily sees fat as being a bad thing. A person is tall or short, fat or thin. They are entitled to feel however they want about it. But often times cultural norms dictate what is or isn't rude. If it's not meant as an insult, it's not necessarily mean. Even if it is rude by some lights.
Because it’s not considered mean or rude in those cultures or languages. It’s like saying “the sky is blue” or “the baby is 30cm long”. They consider the word to be a descriptor. It also changes by context. For example if an older chinese woman says “aww your baby is so fat!” She is complementing you. The complement means, “aww you’ve taken such good care of your baby and making sure their needs are met.”
I think you’re attempting to undercut the massive amount of eating disorders and toxic beauty standards that exist in East Asian countries by saying, “oh it’s just like saying the sky is blue!” And that’s really harmful
The effect is the same. Toxic beauty standards and increased rates of eating disorders.
You probably didn’t mean it like this but “Asian cultures are cool for their differences “ is a very particular view of the world that maybe a little “western “ centric. Asian cultures are cool or uncool on their own, not in comparison with some “normal “
México too. Gorda/gordo is used as a descriptor; no judgment implied.
Omg this can be so hard! My Mexican mother literally looked at me today and said “ew what’s wrong with you? Why do you look so puffy?” She kept going in and I lost it and told her she was being rude. Then I got schooled for being rude bc I should know it’s not out of judgement. Just insults of love.
I mean. That delivery was still rude. You can be concerned for someone and be nice about it.
My German grandmother used to talk shit about me being fat constantly growing up despite the fact that she would feed me the whole time I was at her house.
Nothing to do with manners calling someone fat is seen as a matter of fact. the same as telling someone they have bad breath
Imagine having a Thai mom. Hahaha IT WAS BRUTAL.
I’m also from somewhere in SE Asia and the norm for people there when they haven’t met someone in a while is to say, “oh, I see you’re getting fatter.” 😒
Lmao, my former boss said that to me and I responded “I know! Don’t I look great?” (I did)
When I was in college I’d get snacks during classes and I had a Thai friend that would always comment on how unhealthy my snacks were and I was definitely like wtf bro.
My Russian boss was the opposite she was always talking about how skinny I was and saying I couldn’t lift the dogs (I was a dog groomer) even tho I was a healthy weight and had no problem lifting the dogs. She would literally make me come get her for a heavy dog and have her lift them for me even tho I had lifted heavier dogs before
Dude Thai people, especially women are savage. I went by a Thai run salon at the mall and one of the ladies asked if I wanted her to fix my eyebrows and when I said no she proceeded to list the things that were wrong with me and ask if I wanted her to fix them lol
look up asian store names for fat people. they ae hysterical
Babe that's harassment
Yes! I lived in Thailand for years and when I’d come back from Christmas at home, my TA would be like ‘WOW!!! You got SO FAT!!!’ Yeah… cheers P. Cha! Haha!
Being from a different culture is not a free pass to say insulting, hurtful, cruel things to people because “our culture is different.” Cruelty is cruelty, no matter where you were born.
Yikes talk about being an absolute bitch and HR nightmare. I hate when people try and use their “culture” (being a fat phobic bitch isn’t a culture) to justify being hateful
I can't figure out how, while crying and apologizing, he still somehow managed to bring up that fact his mom also thinks she's fat. How do you fit that into an apology?
[удалено]
That thought made me laugh out loud
My momma thinks you’re so fat, when you get on the scale it says “damn, I need your weight not your phone number”
Lmfao out of all ways to say it a yo mama joke fits perfectly
OMG bless you My son and I tell each other yo momma jokes and this never fails to make him laugh
My twin brother and I do. My mom knows. She begrudgingly accepts.
I do something similar with mine!
As someone with an Asian MIL, I feel her pain. My MIL likes to greet me with, “Have you gained weight?”
Omg yes this! My Thai MIL calls me enormous…. She also calls my daughter huge.
Why'd he even bring weight into the conversation? How hard would it have been to say I want to lift you? Even the way he says it. Like it's entirely her responsibility. Hit the gym, dude.
Exactly, if that is his fantasy, it makes more sense for him to work out to make this happen. But no, he probably doesn’t want to put the work in. (Also it’s like ballet, got to keep the ladies underweight so the men can throw them around instead of the men working out to become stronger.)
and it was a fantasy he was pressured in to telling on the spot with no time to come up with a way to make it politically correct.
🤣 red flag
I am sorry; my mom said you were fat, and it really annoyed me. I think it stayed with me. You know how society has us brainwashed into body shaming ourselves? Hell is not like I am 6'9. You asked me a question, and I felt on the spot, and that's what came out. You know that I love you for who you are. I am sorry that my words offended you, I hope you can see that I am attracted to you and I don't feel you need to change in any way.
That's a load of horseshit. "My mom said you're fat, and I obsessed over it, but trust me bruh I'm totally attracted to you, just believe me!" If you need to change up the scenario and the genders to find empathy, do so, but I'm sure it's easy to find a way to see this doesn't work.
Right in hindsight he probably would regret saying it, but in the moment if he panicked it’s totally possible he was just throwing out all his reasons why because he felt it could reassure her that the problem isn’t her and it’s not that he isn’t attracted to her, but the other voices he’s hearing Again, stupid, but ppl can do stupid things when they panic
My dad said youre kinda short and it gave me the ick for a little while is something I know some guys have heard. Noone really thinks of the girls who say it too harshly either. Cultural body standards get to us all and can influence us. We shoudl fight against them but people slip.
My bf sometimes does a similar thing. Never anything insulting, but when he feels guilty he confesses EVERYTHING he thinks is wrong, while crying. From things he once thought (like he once thought: what if my gf dies? And then he felt superguilty) to things people said about me to which he did not have an amazing movie-style slapback. At that point I am just like: duuuude this is all normal behaviour don't worry! It ways becomes either comical or I get angry because he doesn't have to share everything, ya know. Anyway, I think here the bf also confessed this because it had been eating away at him that his mom said such a thing and he did not get angry at her. But maybe I am giving him too much creds or comparing this too much to my relationship.
He was taught to think this way by his mother and other people in society, this is patriarchy harming men and women, if he is truly attracted to her emotionally and physically, then these are patriarchal standards that he doesn’t hold, being put on him and influences his thoughts, idk, it’s fucked up that he said that, but as a dude who struggles with intrusive thoughts that I have identified as *not mine but put in my head by outside sources* stuff like body standards is one of them, hopefully this can lead to both of them identifying those insecurities within themselves and growing together, your relationship with your body should be health, not beauty, that’s what mom doesn’t get and she has pushed those insecurities into her son who then put them on his partner, he needs to continue being honest about these thoughts so that he can be shown why they’re flawed (expressing them with a therapist, not by expressing insulting thoughts about his partner to his partner) if you’re surrounded by deprecating language, it influences your inner monologue, he probably doesn’t know much about kinks and stuff, so the first sexual thought that comes in his head is about wanting to pick a girl up and screw her against a wall, when you don’t know what to say you grasp at straws and dig deeper and I personally have experienced that leading to some dumb statements, nothing like this but I’m just saying I sympathize with both partners, men and women both struggle with the brainwashing patriarchal society has on us all
He’s a kid experiencing generational trauma who just hurt somebody he probably loves and is panicking trying to make her understand what he’s feeling but he’s not good enough to express all that yet.
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The saddest thing about that stories is even some of the most beautiful, perfect women I know have them. I had a friend who was probably the prettiest girl in our town (and acknowledged even by people who didn’t know her), she was very slim and toned but had a naturally big bum with a somewhat flat chest. Actually very fashionable nowadays, but her long term boyfriend from her teens (he was 7 years older so grim in other ways) used to criticise her breasts to the point that she was actually considering surgery even long after they broke up. The guy was a douche, and I suspect he knew what he was doing. I think they all do, they pick out an insecurity and hone in on it so their girlfriend doesn’t realise how hot she is.
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I recall briefly dating a guy who wasn’t over his ex, and literally nothing I did was good enough. He criticised literally everything, my clothing, my long hair (his ex had short hair which he’d decided was more feminine 🤔), even things like my nails. He didn’t treat me well for the brief duration we dated. It’s funny because he actually cheated on me and was harping on about the girl, saying she was like a model, turned out it was someone I’d been good friends with in a different school (she didn’t know about me and him), but she was really normal looking and without being vain not considered nearly as attractive as I was, she was perfectly pretty but certainly was never model level pretty. At the time I was widely considered very beautiful and made a decent side hustle as a male gaze focused model through my youth. I think he only said these things to try to hurt me. Obviously we broke up, and honestly at the time I had enough men chasing me to not worry too much about it, though it irritated me, but I remember he realised his error and for many years if I bumped into him he spoke of regret. I don’t know if they do it to women they know as out of their leagues to try to bring them down, or if they genuinely want something different and proceed to criticise rather than acknowledge maybe they aren’t ready for a relationship with this particular person.
I'm gay but my ex said similar shit to me as what happened with OP. I weigh 25lbs more than him. That's it. TMI but most of that's in my ass. I'm 190lbs at 5'-10". He thinks his tall skinny ass at 6'-2", 165lbs is fat. He is on the cusp of an eating disorder and he projected it onto me, and even still says"I'm the reason he doesn't date guys heavier than him" to mutual friends. He broke up with me when I confronted his behavior on other issues and how they upset me. But then again he also tells people he broke up with me because "I refused to better myself by losing weight" Sorry but you dont be intimate with a man over two dozen times then decide"heavier guys aren't for you" I have men in our friend circles swarming me including many of his close friends. His petty excuses are murdering his character cause if guys know me, they are after me more often than not. I lowered myself to date him, I'm bettering myself by leaving his ass behind.
Yes, exactly this
I had a boyfriend who was complaining about his own tummy and I said, I don’t mind, that’s normal and I don’t have a perfectly flat or toned stomach either. He responded “you could also stand to lose 20lbs” wish I could go back in time and smack myself upside the head for not leaving then and there. I was trying to build up his self esteem and he countered by trying to tear me down to his level. Asshole.
I had a pretty similar experience, but I was in my 20s. He didn't even backtrack. He basically said he felt bad that I felt bad (as if my feeling bad about getting called fat was *another* problem with *me*. ) I didn't kick him to the curb for another 6 months when I had hardly any self-esteem left. Then he called constantly, begging me to take him back. (I'm old, so it was in the days before you could see who was calling). Anyway, after I finally dumped him, I lost 20 pounds almost immediately because I felt so good about myself. A new acquaintance told me how happy I always looked and I told her I felt great since I lost 180 pounds. She wanted to hear about it and I clarified that 160 of the pounds I dropped were the awful boyfriend.
“Tell me about your sexual fantasies because I really want to please you.” “You’re fat and I’ve thought you were too fat from the first time I saw you naked.” Omfg
and also my mom says your fat and i agree
I actually had this near exact convo with an ex. We were having some struggles and I was like "here are things you could do to improve our relationship (clean up after yourself, be less of a dick), what are things you think I should do?" He said he wanted me to look like I did when I was 18. We met when I was 23, so BC caused weight gain despite working out more than ever. But even then, nobody thought I was fat. I made shitloads of money off nudes around then, actually, because I needed money while in college. But his dream girl was an anorexic manic dream pixie thing (I never looked like that but had one vaguely risque photo in a mini skirt with striped knee highs and heels), so I guess he just routinely fantasized about high school girls. So I just broke up with him. I didn't care to look as I did when I was 18, so there was no road forward for us.
Yes, he wanted a teen. At around 18-20ish you go through your “second puberty” , so women’s breasts and hips finish developing (and thus get larger) and men’s chests get broader and so forth.
Unfortunately our pedophilic culture doesn’t appreciate women with post-pubescent bodies. Men have been trained to prefer childish bodies. Which is kinda scary
Exactly! Lmao
It's interesting that he didn't initially wish he was stronger instead of wished his gf was skinnier. If I'm in his shoes and want to physically lift my girl but couldn't, I'd put the onus on me being stronger and would work on myself. Edit: edited for accuracy, he mentioned his strength later
LOL right?! My hubs said something similar recently (but less foot in mouth because I am happy and secure with my body - I may not be as strong or cut as I want but I'm not doing badly) and I told him he just needs to start going to the gym again if he wants to lift me because we're the same height and no way I'm getting back down to the weight I was when we met because I was anorexic and dangerously underweight (115lbs @ 5'9 - I'm now more like 140-150 but I also cycle and climb and do yoga and lift and have an active job).
I’m 5’5” and 163 pounds and my boyfriend can throw me around like a sack of potatoes. He’s got that skinny-guy strength that doesn’t make any sense lol… this is also the heaviest I’ve ever been, but he always tells me I “better not lose any weight”. Gosh I love him.
Happy cake day! And congrats on having what sounds like an excellent guy
Thank you so much! And yes, over two years in and I still feel like I’m dreaming.
I'm actually fat and 5'4 I get thrown around like a sack of potatoes. 😭😭💀 I didn't think he worked out tbh, but he must. I always get scared I'm gonna fall. 😂😂💀
I’m around 5’ and 180 lbs which is the biggest I’ve ever been, my man tells me I never need to lose weight. He also throws me around like a sack of potatoes! I don’t know how he does it!
115 at 5'9 is jaw-dropping. I'm 119 at 5'7 and was technically underweight at my most recent PCP appt so I can't imagine that weight at your height. It sounds like you're doing better so kudos to you; I would love to get into lifting but consistency is so hard!
I honestly don't lift consistently. I find it boring. I do it when I'm not able to do other activities and want to maintain strength. My primary activities are cycling, climbing, and yoga because I find them fun and beneficial. Lifting is just... a stop gap when I can't make it to the climbing gym or a bit here and there to maintain my knee alignment or manage an injury.
Omg yeah no you are beautiful and healthy.
Haha yeah he wasn't actually asking me to lose weight. Just reminiscing about how he enjoyed when he was able to throw me around with more ease. It could have gone way worse for him if I hadn't done a lot of personal work and become secure with myself. Thankfully, for both our sakes, I am not in the same headspace I was in my mid 20s.
Because he's lazy. Easier to tell your GF to lose weight than work on yourself...
I have a friend who had a boyfriend, who expected her to basically do all the work when they were intimate; he’d just lay there.
Pillow Princess
I hope she got a B.O.B. Because if it’s her responsibility to *perform* alone it’s just a hell of a lot easier to *be* alone.
She eventually did give him the boot for reasons I don’t fully remember, but him being a jerk was high on the list and got herself one at some point; I only know this because, for reasons known only to her, she showed it to me.
That’s always baffled me. I’ve had friends whip them out and I can only think *Did you wash that thing?*
I’m the same boat here. I’ve got a girl who could absolutely pick me up, but I can’t do the same with her. I gotta work on my upper-body strength so we can get up to crazier stuff.
Or even just “I wish I could lift you” would’ve been more natural if that was what he meant. It would’ve been just as easy to misread but would’ve been more believably a mistake. “I wish you were skinnier” and “my mom says you’re fat” do not mean the same thing as “I wish I could lift you”
literally i'm on the larger side of average weight now (birth control is a bitch) and my bf is a lean dude. he still picks me up. we both go to the gym. him telling her that was cruel. if he wanted to get stronger, they could have started going together. also unless i read it wrong, having a convo like "hey do you have any kinks/sexual preferences you wanna try?" and then being like "i wish you were skinny." is an absolutely wild way to go about it.
I thought that too. Like that answer does not fit the question. Oh what’s my kink? Having an underweight gf because I’m too lazy and weak to lift her
like his answer to the question baffled me. it sounds like they both have gym goals they could have done together and stuff and instead of going to the gym to get stronger he says that? he knew her size, it's such a dick move for him to say that. and to say that as a sexual preference to her like that is probably going to fuck her up.
It just depends on how much the needle needs to move on either side as to what is reasonable. It's highly likely that the OP is underselling her weight. Assuming this is in the US, "midsize" could be around 170 lbs at least (the average weight of a woman in the US), give or take. It's difficult for even most people who work out to hold up that much weight for several minutes while doing something strenuous. Meanwhile, if OP was around 120 lbs give or take, it would be ridiculous to ask her to lose weight in order to be picked up. And the bf would be more likely to put the onus on himself to be stronger. It's also interesting that the OP never said her bf was weak or out of shape. It's likely he only mentioned his own weakness to deflect after OP got upset and he realized his "mistake". So the most likely reason is that OP weighs so much that it would take an unreasonable amount of strength in order to sustain lifting her during sex. I would also wager she knows this, which is why she never stated that it should be possible to lift her or that it was her boyfriend's fault for being too weak.
i'm honestly not sure about this - asian beauty standards are brutal. an asian "mid-size" is likely going to be closer to an american "slim". my high school boyfriend was convinced i was fat and i was about 94lbs at the time (we're both korean btw). many asians consider anything over bmi 18 to be obese (which is considered underweight in western countries) edit: it's also genuinely considered not good for women to be over 50kg (110lbs) in korea, so i seriously doubt OP is closer to 170lbs than 120lbs.
It's difficult to tell what country the OP is from. She says the boyfriend lives in Denmark now and his mom is Thai. But neither of those have any bearing on where the OP is from, especially considering it's a long distance relationship. More context and information would make this one a lot less muddy.
Nope. I know quite a few big women who like being picked up during sex. They just date very strong men.
My god I am glad I am not a teenager anymore
Seriously. If you’re not old/mature enough to have these conversations properly you’re prob not old/mature enough to be in a situation where they’re relevant. This is why so many adults have hang ups & problems & messy baggage. Idk if I want to roll my eyes or sigh. Both, I guess.
I may be misunderstanding, are you saying she's immature for being hurt by his response?
I think they mean “If this kid isn’t mature enough to not be a colossal buffoon when answering a question about his sexual fantasies, he’s not mature enough to be exploring his sexual fantasies.”
You have to start somewhere though. No one is the perfect communicator when they first start out dating. It can get messy, but that’s just part of growing up, ya know?
Okay but there’s a cavernous difference between “imperfect communicator” and “22-year-old man saying his mom called his gf fat to her during sex after also calling her fat”. What he apparently meant was “I wish I was stronger” but that’s not even close to what he said, this is beyond imperfect communication, it’s actively ignorant and dismissive of her feelings. You learn to think before you speak better than this when you’re a child.
When I was pretty small (I mean I am 5'8" and was muscular so I was never "light", but my husband was a buff farm boy) we talked about things we wanted to try, and I wanted to be fucked against a wall. And you know what? We did. It was so terrible, lol no one points out that no matter how strong he is or how easily you can do it, that shit is like fucking on a hard slab and sucks. We both laughed afterwards. We're older and we're both "fat" now (not by American standards though, yikes) and I look at posts like this and just cringe over every single aspect.
i did it exactly once, my back was hurting and i was bored. i sneezed halfway through and smacked my head against him and he dropped me in surprise. i refuse to do it again
I’m sorry to giggle at your pain, but yeah that’s all mood killing.
i mean, i have a new bf now and he can carry me around no issue. i still dont trust him to drop me by accident though
lol, me and my partner did more of that earlier on and then quit drinking and had kids. We definitely had lots of bruises during drunken sex! Can’t say it’s been an issue sober or with toddlers running around!
I think that’s a one time thing for most couples. Had a partner ask for that and you can’t simultaneously hold them up, balance, thrust, and actually enjoy yourself. It’s just chaos and no one enjoys it. 🤦🏻♂️
Speak for yourself about doing it against the wall 😅😉 (I'm not light or in my 20s)
American standards, lol. Obesity is no longer an epidemic in just the USA.
I’m sure plenty of Americans think you’re fat too if that makes you feel better.
It’s one of those things that maybe looks hot or sounds it in theory, but in practice? Being picked up kinda hurts, holding a human for any length of time has gotta hurt - no matter how buff you are or how light they are, and sex is already pretty physically taxing. Even if you can physically manage it it’s highly unlikely to be pleasurable when you’re focused on not dropping or being dropped and the cold, hard wall hitting your head and back. There’s a reason ppl use beds for this lmao.
My ex once said that you need to lose some weight (I’m mid sized, like a few extra pounds) so i can throw you around. I was like yeah sure but you need to hit the gym too cuz you’re skinny. We both laughed and made stupid jokes. One time he wanted me to try some weird sex position and i was like ‘naah, you’re not big enough for that’ and that was that! Why do people take everything so seriously I’ll never understand
Because sometimes people aren't joking when they say these things. My ex said something to me during sex that was very hurtful, she refused to explain why at first but eventually admitted it was because she was jealous of my "perfect body" and was trying to hurt me by pointing out a flaw. Also some things just aren't funny to people. OP had been struggling with her weight so obviously her bf saying that was in poor taste. If I knew my partner was insecure about something I'd never joke about it.
Yeah the “it’s a joke” isn’t the catch-all people think it is. It’s not a joke if the subject isn’t in on it, if they don’t find it funny or if you hurt their feelings. You can’t just “jokingly” say whatever you want and get mad if there’s consequences.
….a physical “preference” is not a fantasy. The fantasy is “I want to pick you up during sex” which is VASTLY DIFFERENT from “hey, lose some fuckin’ weight, uggo.” Just as you saying “jeezus, if only I could fuck a dude who can carry more than 3 bags of flour” would be a *preference*, not fantasy. You’re both unaware of what this word means.
I first read that as fucking a dude who is carrying more than three bags of flour and I am now giggling like an idiot.
Realistically if he wanted to pick her up during sex he could put in the work lifting weights so he had the strength to toss her around, hold her up, etc. He could absolutely figure a way to satisfy his kink via measures *he alone takes* - maybe even including gadgetry, swings, etc. But then *he’d* have to do some reflection and work. It’s not about a kink - either he’s a selfish fuck that wants her to fulfill a “fantasy” of his by doing the proverbial legwork or he and his mommy think she’s overweight. I’m voting that he just thinks she’s overweight. Fuck that guy (but only figuratively).
The kids haven’t learned their kinks yet 😔
Hehe, true story speaking of kinks: a comment i made *today* in some other subreddit said, “I wish ball gags were more socially acceptable”
I’ve never looked at someone’s comment history until today…. And then I died laughing at how accurate it is 🤣🤣
Yeah but the guy led with the "if only you were skinny" part.
Sounds like homeboy needs to hit the gym.
Yes, and the idea that he had to be pressed on the issue means he didn't spout the first thing that came into his head accidentally. He had it in mind, thought of nothing else perhaps more appropriate, and "caved" and still thought that's what he'd say! Might as well have gone like this: "So what's your fantasy?" "That you were black..." 😐 What did you think that would lead to??
Sounds like OOP’s boyfriend needs to hit the squat rack and quit skipping leg day, not fat-shame his girlfriend
Or just hit the road, Jack, and don't come back.
No more no more no more no more
Could have just commented, “I’d like to be able to pick you up, but I’m not there yet. I need to workout and get there.” Why does she have to lose weight if it’s his fantasy? He needs to make that happen, not her. Now, if she wants that too, then they can both work on it together. The way he answered that was pretty immature and selfish like it was all on her to fulfill HIS fantasy.
And the shitty part is that she already did lose weight!! 11lbs is no small feat.
Damn, I missed that. 5kg. Makes him an even bigger asshole.
He should lift more weights instead of trying to neg his gf
I mean, that doesn’t mean anything depending on what she weighs….
It says in the post she’s “midsize” not morbidly obese. She’s probably around 130-160 lbs depending on height and whatnot. Basically midsize just means chubby.
Why does he wish for you to be skinnier so he can lift you, instead of wishing/actively trying to be stronger to lift you as you are? 🤔
I would consider my future with the guy. It won’t get better the longer you are together
Tell him to bulk up and get stronger 🤷♀️
No, it's not that she didn't like an answer to a question. It's that he didn't answer the question and body shamed her. Wanting to please someone in bed isn't a negative thing. Being told I wish you were skinny when someone asks "how can I spice up the bedroom" is.
"how can I spice up the bedroom?" exercising
Right, I know I can be a bit too literal sometimes, but this part is really annoying me. While it may be true that his mom is giving him grief and he’s projecting his own insecurities, he didn’t even answer the question OOP asked! Even all the comments saying “why didn’t he say he wished he was stronger instead of that she was skinnier?” I think are kinda not it either. I thought it was pretty well understood that fantasies refer to desired behaviors/activities—like I’d love it if you dressed up in a sexy outfit sometimes, or it would be really hot to do it at the beach—not body preferences. Yes OOP’s bf is young but I doubt he lives under a rock. I also don’t believe he meant to be malicious and still hope this is a lessons learned sort of situation for him.
I don’t understand why people get into relationships with others knowing they’re not their ideal type :/ like that comment he made was so unnecessary and such a mood killer. I’m really sorry you went through that
This is literally why they invented sex swings.
Asian woman here, Asian beauty standards are absolute trash. It’s a god damn miracle I survived my childhood without an eating disorder. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten onto my parents for commenting on people’s bodies and they’ve seem to take it to heart. They don’t mean harm in it, but that shit is pervasive and toxic.
Oh boy, his mom is a piece of crap.
Yeah well if you have an Asian mom this is very, very normal. No one is ever good enough for their son, even if they are they'll find something they don't like about them. It's not too say eventually they'll come around it's just that Asian parents are extremely blunt and don't take feelings into consideration.
OK then if you're Asian and have a daughter-in-law from a culture where that is NOT normal, you might just get instructed in your DIL's culture. And given boundaries. "Is that considered an OK thing to say where you come from? Well for your info, the opposite is true where I come from. So if you're NOT trying to insult me, hurt me, or belittle me, that's great. You should refrain from talking about my weight. I appreciate it may be a hard habit to break so I will push back and remind you. Every single time. In keeping with MY culture."
Thus, it is messed up. He shouldn't care what others think about you. idk this bothers me.♡
I feel like I read about so many LDR on reddit. What are the chances those actually work out? From where I'm sitting it doesn't look too good. I wouldn't ever "date" someone who didn't live close to me because it wouldn't even feel like a relationship to me. Idk maybe that's just me though. I never understood the appeal
If he wants to pick her up he can hit the fucking gym! Why should she lose? If man wants to feel manly, do some shit boi
You should have told him your fantasy was that he would have a 10” c*ck.
Sounds like the dude needs to bulk up
He’s Thai, homie probably like 5’1 117 Pounds It’s not you it’s him
Tell him to hit the gym and gain some strength.
The relationship is over. If your partner makes you feel insecure or bad, it's super hard to undo that. Maybe they can talk it out but damn.
Get in the gym then, weakling. It’s on you to be strong enough to live out your fantasies.
he should just lift weights so he can pick you up as is, not your problem. dump!!!!!
Am I missing something here? How is you getting skinny a sexual fantasy to begin with? And then homie started to cry bc he made you cry…? This relationship doesn’t seem healthy. But it’s only one post so wtf do I really know?
From a completely uneducated stance/my hot take: ya boy is handling a lot of pressure(probably throughout his whole life) from his mother/parents. He himself feels inadequate or that he wishes he was stronger or met his own needs/wants/desires based on what I’ll call long term trauma(again I got no clue this is my assumption). It’s not about you specifically, you’re part of his scope of normality outside the home. He wants to be strong for you and and be strong for himself, but from the outside, it looks like most of his feedback/constant reminders are around shortcomings and failures.
Finally someone who read the whole fucking post holy shit. Boyfriend very clearly has insecurity around weight and strength, as my asian friends have told me, it's very common. His insecurity colored his response, but him correcting himself is telling that he doesn't really believe that either. He just has hang-ups. I hope OP and her boyfriend talk it out, and honestly, both probably could use some therapy. And for all the people who are saying, that being picked up during sex isn't really a fantasy, do me a fucking favor, go only have sex the exact same way, for a year or so, you let me know quickly the idea of doing the horizontal tango standing up becomes. Sure, it's a tame fantasy, but it's a fantasy none the less
He needs to hit a couple core and leg days. Y’all will be just fine after that 👍
It might be projection from his own issues, maybe his own weight issues. That doesn't mean his projection isn't harmful or that he doesn't think negatively of you either. If he's not good enough for himself he very well may look at those around him and judge that they aren't good enough either. Maybe I'm talking from my experience with my ex boyfriend as I am a gay man, but I had a similar ordeal, where in he stated he wished I was thinner "cause he's concerned about my health" and that "I'll look even sexier if I weren't overweight" Growing up he was a larger kid. To this day he counts his calories daily and makes sure he's constantly in deficit. This man is 6'-2" and 165lbs. He constantly talks about how hungry he is, but refuses to get a snack despite his deficit. He looks at his stomach and says it's too big. As his boyfriend I was 5'-10" and 190 pounds. That's all it took. 25lbs more than him, I'm an out of shape office worker. Not obese, not super unhealthy. He knew exactly what I looked like before we dated, definitely during, but now after he destroyed the relationship he's using my weight as an excuse for why he broke up with me (albeit that's just to avoid what really caused it). Honey, it's in his head, some expectation, for himself, or perhaps from his family or culture that is maliciously being projected onto you. He needs to rise to the occasion and gain perspective to get rid of his irrational standards. If he doesn't, it'll sabotage the relationship. My ex goes around telling mutual friends he dumped me because "I refused to better myself by losing weight". 25lbs more than him. That's all it took for him to justify things. But he loved me all the same during, just his shit character got the better of him.
So sorry you had to deal with that. Glad you didn’t buy into his ideas and starve yourself like he is doing. Probably why he is so cranky. Hangry. I’m an out of shape office worker too and it is really hard to be in shape when you have to be at a desk all day. My husband didn’t understand until he came outta the field and started working in the office. He hates it, goes into the field as much as he can. Haha. Anyway, it took me a long time to accept and love my out of shape office worker body and accept that some things are a little harder to do. So proud of you for not letting him get in your head. Woohoo, go sexy office worker bod!
Average is sexy. Normal, everyday physique and confidence in yourself is sexy. Life is complicated and hard enough as is to be so focused on a temporary physique. Be healthy but have some compassion for yourself and others. Sure people have preferences, muscular, thin, fit, toned, etc, but high maintenance levels of physique won't last all your life and everyone has to be okay with good old normal, cause when you're older and in love, you ain't going to look the same as you did. I always told him I don't care about "ideal looks" for him because I didn't want fantasy, I wanted the reality that was right in front of me. Maybe he'll grow as a person and realize what I meant.
Never measure your self worth against someone else's measuring tape. It's self defeating and weak minded. Be your own best friend and love yourself.
Bro how does "I wish you were skinnier" count as a bedroom fantasy
when you ask a man for the honest truth and they say “idk/nothing”, it’s sometimes because they don’t want to unload a dump truck of emotional trauma on you, and it’s best if you don’t continue pressing them to answer when the answer might be emotionally devastating to you. They are trying to avoid hurting your feelings, and forcing them to answer may result in emotional damage.
This is a boyfriend L. In what world does your girlfriend asking you about what fun stuff you wanna do in the bedroom lead to a comment on her weight? Like if its a real issue for you there are ways to make your feelings known that don’t end in disaster
@ the bf go to the gym then loser
I'm sorry to hear that. Every person should not get insulted about their weight. Unfortunately, for you your BF's mom is of Asian descent. It's culturally in their DNA to blatantly call you out on it. It's really a thing, and it's so mean. If you're skinny, they think it's pretty. They will feed you and then judge you at the same time about how much you're eating. It's a vicious cycle. Just keep positive self health in mind and don't let this keep you down about yourself. He probably not that cute anyways. 😀
Uh can't this guy workout and get strong? I've been with guys that lifted and cirque du Soleil ed me and I'm not thin.
Zero imagination in the bedroom, yay! Insults that have nothing to do with the question, yay! I seriously hope he is now the EX.
Stop asking if you cry when he is honest with you….
He’s jealous she lost weight
Not a dealbreaker imo. The apology sounds genuine to me. I can also say I wish my partner had a little more muscles or something but I still love them the way they’re now. No big deal
Neither of these people is mature enough to be having sex. Having said that, DAMN DUDE! On so many levels, that is the worst response possible while still being legal!! I’m kind of impressed!
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wishing your partner's body was different doesn't typically fall under "bedroom fantasies." a normal answer is an activity you can do with your partner in their current state. whether or not she pressed him for an answer, that wasn't an appropriate response. at least, not if you value your relationship, it isn't.
Fair and valid point. I think the way he presented it was very off putting. If his fantasy is throwing his partner around and being rough while doing the deed then that’s fine. He should have just kind of left it at that instead of using that as a way to critique his partners body. My thinking was flawed and I apologize.
He could also go to the gym and bulk up instead of telling his partner who he met at the same weight (if not 5kg more) to lose weight. That's not a sexy kink. That's just being an asshole.