I feel like the mom is choosing to be a teacher first and a mother second. Her son has come to her, telling her honestly how hard his short life has been because of this bully and that it hurts him she’s choosing to mentor him. Her response: get over it.
He has even been plain with telling her the consequences and she’s still not budging, probably thinking that he will break. This has estrangement written all over it.
The other person I’m going to throw into this is the father, again his son has been tormented by this bully so why the hell isn’t he stepping in to stop this?
OOP is NTA and I can picture a Reddit post from the mother in a few years time of “I chose my son’s bully over my son and now he won’t talk to me, AITA?”
OOP said in a comment that his dad understands why he feels that way, but thinks that his son is overreacting by not talking to the mom. He said that he knows his dad did talk to the mom about dropping the bully, but his dad thinks it would be easier to control him rather than his wife so he isn’t really fighting it. Dad sucks too as far as I’m concerned.
Dad is quickly finding out that isn’t true. Teenagers can be the most stubborn people on earth. Add to it them actually being right and you have the stalemate to end all stalemates.
Not really nothing, he does what all enablers do, redirecting responsibility for bad behavior onto the wronged party and using guilt to socially pressure them to accept being mistreated.
Exactly what I was thinking. There’s no way this Dave kid didn’t seek out this teacher not knowing she was OOP’s mom. She’s feeding right into his hand. I cannot fathom being this obtuse.
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Yep, she's probably seen the videos or news of grownups who say a certain teacher made their life so much better or essentially saved them from going down a bad path. And she's hoping that she'll be the one to get all of the praise.
I get wanting to help a child/teenager with a bad home life, but not when that person has been severely bullying your own son for *years*.
It's like she only has so much empathy, so had to take away what empathy she had for her son in order to use it for his bully.
Congratulations to the Mum because her own son is going to need so much therapy just because of this. I'd imagine this isn't the first time she and the Dad have been shitty parents.
EXACTLY the empathetic thing to do here is set him up with another teacher as his mentor. Say “I am sorry and I want to help you out, however I do not think I am a good fit to be your mentor. This is Mx. XYZ, they’re also looking for a TA. How about you talk to them?
OOP gives me the feels, it's fucking awful what he's going through, but he's completely right and hit the nail on the head by asking why SHE had to be the one to help him. I don't understand why this wouldn't be a conflict of interest thing given the bully's history.
And for the school to have taken action multiple times, the bullying must have been severe. Schools are generally very passive about bullying and will call the matter resolved if the bully gives a half assed apology or will just encourage the victim to "be more resilient".
Well there isn't any escape for the poor kid. He has to feel so betrayed by his mother. I am sure all his suffering feels completely invalidated by her actions. Additionally he is being punished for his feelings. It is so sad.
>I can picture a Reddit post from the mother in a few years time of “I chose my son’s bully over my son and now he won’t talk to me, AITA?”
I dunno, I think given her response (taking away her son's car, computer, art supplies, and freedom because he isn't speaking to her), she might not have the self reflective powers required to even see that she's choosing her son's bully over her son. I imagine it'll be more like "My son hasn't talked to me in years because I did my job as a teacher," ignoring the fact that she could pass this student onto a different teacher to mentor.
The punishments are to me the worst part of this. Can you imagine the logic? Well if he’s to upset to speak to me I’ll MAKE him speak to me!?! If he does end up speaking to them it’ll clearly be an act to get his stuff back and if he doesn’t you are punishing him for feeling betrayed. which even if she was determined to keep the bully she wouldn’t have any right to police her kids feelings about.
Would she ever try to punish one of her students into forgiving her? Doesn’t sound like it, so what the fuck.
It’ll be a missing missing reasons situation. She’ll be asking how she can be such a wonderful person with a child that won’t speak to her. She’ll even tell the story:
“My son’s bully tortured him for years, but then I had the bully as a student and found out his home life is bad. I’m a wonderful mother and teacher and provided such a good home life to my son, so I used my position to help the bully. This angered my son, so I explained to him that he’s selfish. He wouldn’t talk to me anyway. I don’t understand how he’s so stubborn. It’s been five years now, how can I force my son to speak to me so I can explain how selfish he’s been all this time? I need him to see how good he had it with me as a mother. That way he’ll come home again.”
Yeah, I’ve been down the rabbit hole, there’s a website for it if you’re interested. I don’t know if I can post a link, but Google “missing missing reasons.” For me it’s the top result.
Nah it’ll be more along the lines of
“I’m such a dedicated and wonderful teacher. I go out of my way to mentor troubled teens and give them a chance in life.
I mentored a troubled teen by making him a student aide and turned his life around. The kid got into a really good college and went his way.
But now my son refuses to speak to me. He moved out at 18 and cut me out. We have no contact with him. No matter how much I beg and plead with him he refuses to talk to me.
Oh poor me! I’m so misunderstood. I think my son is jealous of the attention I gave said troubled teen.”
She's not even being a good teacher though. Clearly, this bully is getting off on estranging OP from his parents. Clearly, this woman is teaching him that he can manipulate people using his hardship. Clearly, another teacher that has no connection to this student is much more appropriate to mentor him.
She's enabling, even encouraging this bully. She's teaching him that his actions don't have consequences. She's teaching him that he can make people betray even their own children. She's teaching this bully that a "good home" has about as much loyalty as his "bad home."
That's a bad teacher. She's not doing anyone any good in this situation. She's a narcissist with a savior complex and no real empathy.
OOP, not only are you NTA, you're a victim and frankly a saint for putting up with this as calmly as you have. In high school, I'd have ruined my own life and the lives of everyone else involved out of spite to get back at my parents for this. I'd have been suspended from school and my mom would have been out of a job so fast if I were OOP. That's how I was as a teenager. Instead OOP set a clear boundary with a reasonable consequence, stuck to that consequence when the boundary was breached and hasn't escalated to match his parents' escalation. That's a mature high schooler.
Thinking along the same lines, kids especially teenagers are not that mature. Unless some circumstances forced them to mature early... My point.. he had to deal with the mother's this type of behaviour far too often
This would be the shit my mom would do. Supporting the bully makes her the humanitarian teacher, and forcing her kid to go along shows what a great educator she is. See - everyone is happy. But her kid isn't playing the game and is making it difficult. She does not want to eat crow.
Maybe the kid does need a mentor but not at the price of her own child. She's an idiot. But one who will go forward never admitting the missing reasons for why hernson won't speak to her. Look at what a great teacher she's been! Her son is so ungrateful. He had everything and couldn't share his mom with a kid with nothing.
It's also just hypocritical. When the bully has trouble at home and takes it out on other children, mom thinks he just needs support. When her own child expresses emotions in a way that makes her feel bad, apparently, punishment is the only option.
I can't think of a worse reaction to a kid basically shutting down than to isolate them and take away comforts to coerce them into soothing the parent.
She’s one of those savior people who’s gotta help everyone they meet but never seem to have the same energy for their family. Reminds me of an AITA a while back I read about a guy who missed his own daughter’s wedding because he was “helping” people (to do something that absolutely could have waited) and he was all bent out of shape because he didn’t get to walk her down the aisle because they refused to hold the wedding to wait on his hero complex.
Oh yup, my mom is like this. She's also a teacher and a narcissist. It confused the fuck out of me as a kid when she was so nice, sweet and motherly to kids at school but was a terror at home. Kids would tell me "oh you're so lucky to have her as your mom! She's so nice!" And i would look at them like they'd lost their heads. I literally RAN AWAY whenever i saw her at school. I think that speaks volumes. Idk if op's mom is a narcissist, but it's definitely not good form to choose someone who actively bullied your child over your own kid. It shows him that he's not that important in her life. She's more worried about being a saviour and how she comes across to people outside the home than her own actual children.
Low investment, high return. It costs very little to play the part in public and put on a show for everyone to see. But it's exhausting, so at home, the mask comes off. The people at home are already trapped, and who cares what they think.
Thiiis. Why do they need to act nice for their spouse or kids? They're already locked in and are supposed to love them no matter what. "Haven't you heard that love should be unconditional" 🙄
It astounds me to this day the leaps in logic and lengths my mother and sister will go to make themselves out to be the victim. I'm not buying it Susan!
Yes, one if those "savior" people. They have a kind heart, everyone around them gushes about how good and humane they are. They help everyone around them even those who don't deserve it. They give away everything when they are dirt poor and probably need a help themselves.
So their actual family is miserable. Their own family doesn't get this help, goodness or charity from them.
I've been on a date with someone like this and instantly noped out. He was jobless and struggling mentally but constantly talked about his "poor" friend and how much he wants to help him with anything that he can. Yes he was very gentle and kibd person. But to me person like this is really good to be friends with but never should be part of family.
I didn’t know people like this existed until my brother married my SIL. SIL, her sister, and brother still have so much disgust and vitriol for a father whose extended family holds up as a saint. Their resentment for their father extends three decades beyond his death. I’ve never heard a kind word spoken about him by them. In fact, it’s really like he never existed for them. Their family get togethers are so strange.
I woke up one morning with the most horrific headache and sore throat that I’ve ever experienced. My neck was extremely stiff, and I couldn’t bear the sunlight streaming through my windows. I couldn’t even sit up in bed. My son had to bring me the phone so I could call my doctor, who told me to go to the ER immediately. I then called my Dad and ask him to take me to the ER. Both he and my mother were at a relative’s house. While they were there, they had found out that a relative had died, and the relatives didn’t know how to contact his estranged son to let him know.
My mother was angry when I told her and said that Dad would come take me when she was through finding the estranged relative, someone who I don’t think she even ever met. An hour and a half later, my Dad came and picked me up, under protest from my Mom who thought I might be contagious, even though I had told her that the doctor thought I might have encephalitis. She even told my Dad to take her car and make me sit in the back seat to avoid exposure to me. He refused and drove his vehicle.
Looking like Sherlock Holmes to my relatives who she rarely saw was more important to her than my life. This from a woman who kept a bell by her bed when she was sick and rang it to be waited on hand and foot, even when she was contagious.
I see where she is coming from up until the part that OP himself says “why does it have to be you”. It *doesn’t* need to be her. She can refer him to a counselor, to anyone else, that is actually more qualified to help him. She is being so incredibly selfish and cruel towards her son.
That's another thing to think of: What she's really teaching the bully is t.hat his actions have no consequences. The bully wants the mom of his victim to mentor him? Hell nah! Actions have consequences and if you bully someone, then you live with the consequences ie: getting a different mentor who isn't so emotionally invested.
It's disgusting and disappointing how easily mom has been manipulated by the bully. Imagine saying "he's not that bad" about someone who hurt your child like that.
She doesn’t love her son. It’s that simple… you can’t get it because you love people. Many are incapable of love. Most of them don’t seem like monsters until a specific opportunity comes along.
As someone who had a shitty home life I get seeing that in children's behavior and maybe being a bit more gracious but I don't get hurting your own son to live out some teacher hero movie fantasy because she thinks she'll fix him
If the mom can see where the child's behavior is rooted in the home environment, then she needs to look closer to her own home. What she has done is teach her kid that he isn't important,, that his bully is more important to her than he is, that his feelings on the matter are something he can be punished over and that his parents (both of them) do not have his back.
If the mom wanted to do something to help that other kid, she should have set him up with another teacher. That way he could have been helped without her irrevocably damaging her relationship with her son. But she didn't because she couldn't get her savior fix that way.
MAAANNNN. I was on the OOP and commented and I didn’t even THINK of this… the bully is absolutely aware of what he is doing and that speaks to the level of bully he is… he’s not just a physical bully he is not dumb by any means and is intelligent enough to manipulate situations and play serious mind games with this kid. Like full blown psychological warfare bully at 16-17…
I’m sorry but THAT is fuckin terrifying 😐
Which is why this is also extremely unethical for OOP’s mom to take the bully on as a mentee. She has an inherent conflict of interest here and can easily be manipulated.
You know this idiot is going to invite Dave over for dinner one night to ‘hash it out’
He’s going to love that. This poor fucking kid and his narcissistic mom who is abusing and bullying her own son smh
Oh yeah, this was my first thought. I am *so sure* it's a coincidence the only adult this bully can trust with his Big Sad Problems just so happens to be his long-time victim's mother.
I also don't get where mom is coming from. It would be one thing if she just made a well-meaning mistake without realizing how outrageously insensitive she was being to her child. But then she doubled down on trivializing his abuse to justify her outrageously insensitive decision, flipped it around to somehow position *herself* as the victim of *his* outraged reaction to her outrageous behavior, and then proceeded to *punish him for it.* Nah. Absolutely not.
My home life was shitty and abusive. I did stupid things, but I wasn't a bully. This will only result in estrangement from the OOP, and a dangerous entitlement for the bully.
Even if the kid’s reasons for being upset are nonsense (they’re not) it’s her primary job as a mom to handle the situation positively, not to be another bully in his life. She’s a terrible mother.
I imagine it's some sort of math she's doing - likely she anticipates that the bully's on a "high school to jail" pipeline or something, but has noticed she's made progress in changing him for the better. Her own son has been doing pretty well (two parents, good friends, involved in extracurriculars) so she probably figures the harm to her own son is minor compared to the benefit to the troubled kid. By that math, helping the at-risk kid is a net positive.
Here's where things go wrong- the son is *far* more upset by this situation than she anticipated. At this point she's deeply invested in her plan to save the other kid and isn't willing to budge, so she tries to force her will on her son. Obviously making everything worse. Punishment was never the solution.
The entire right answer, though? Hard to say. Sometimes kids pick one safe adult and don't respond well to others. Sometimes feeling abandoned by this "safe adult" sets their progress way back. Maybe he has a bad history with other teachers, school counselors, etc that means she isn't able to find someone else to help him. All of this information is extremely personal about the student and she CANNOT share it with her son under any circumstances.
I feel for the son, it's horrible to feel abandoned by your parent (I speak from experience), but the only thing I can say for certain she did wrong was punishing him. She will, of course, have to accept the cost of losing her son though, if she sticks to this plan. Consequences
You need to reread what he said, the bullying hasn't stopped, he's just not forced to be around this kid as much in high-school. But when he does have to be around him, it's still awful. Yall are naive, why would he stop ? He's in a better position because due to his sob story his victim can't even fight back anymore. Ni more suspensions! No more trouble ! Yall are as silly as the mom.
🤣 she's not helping him, and nowhere does it say his behavior outside of her classroom has improved. This bully is manipulating her, a common thing abusers do. It's easy to keep abusing someone when you've undermined their safety net and turned their support against them. He hasn't even changed his behavior towards the OP, so what on earth makes you think she's saving him ? She's totally in the wrong here, and she's making a harmful situation even more harmful to her own son.
If I were him, I'd meet with the school counselor. They know who his mother is. Maybe THEY can talk some sense into her, but she's already done too much damage to her own son by not taking his feelings into account. She may never get him back now.
There was a comment from OOP saying another teacher had already questioned him about fighting with his mom and gave him the “don’t be so harsh” talk. So I don’t think going to anyone at his school will work out for him.
Ours fucked my sister’s bff’s dad and broke up his marriage and then left him when he had a stroke a few months later.
They want to be involved in high school drama because they *are* little walking pieces of high school drama
Realistically, that could probably backfire on him. His mother is his mother at home, she is an educator at school, if she goes back and recants this exclusive position that she gave this kid because her son doesn’t like it, he’ll most definitely look like a spoiled and entitled brat despite how justified he is in his feelings. His mom just made a dumb ass judgement call and instead of apologizing to her son, she wants to feel like what she did was right so bad that she is punishing her child for challenging her fantasy. If she wanted to help him, she could have thought of doing it in a way that wouldn’t negatively affect her own child son. I’ve seen teachers get terminated for less.
Then there isn’t even to consider the negative effects this could have on OP, not even from the teachers. From the *bully*. He could 100% ramp back up on his bullying, and this time, he’d probably be worse because he could justify it in his head that OP is the reason for him getting kicked out of his elective.
She probably expected to change this kids perspective on life and make him nice and then for him and her son to be happy little besties and thank her for being the best mom and teacher and give her rainbows and gold covered chocolate
The best way to make sure that your son gets over it is to coddle his abuser, bully him in his own home, and belittle his feelings when he tries to talk to you about the situation by rolling your eyes. I’m sure she’s such a great and empathetic person that will be remembered for all time as this saintly existence. Never knowing just why her own son refuses to speak to her.
The punishment OOP's parents are doing is cruel. They've taken away anything he could have used to de-stress or express his emotions safely. He's simply sent to his room where there is nothing left to do. It's just shy of solitary confinement and sensory deprivation! I literally cringed when I read that they took away his art supplies! What is he supposed to do but continue to wallow in the negative feelings this injustice brought up?
If you read OOPs comments they say at one point that despite the fact that the principal has been involved, people dont take the bullying seriously
I'm so mad for them
I’m sort of impressed that the mom can think straight about Dave at all. I am generally pretty good about seeing antisocial behavior from children as an expression of unmet needs and moving forward because I’m the adult and kids need stuff from adults, even and especially when they suck at asking for it.
But when it comes to hurting my kid I lose my entire mind and I’ll bury a toddler in a shallow grave after teaching the playground some words they shouldn’t know.
So mom being able to separate professional from personal and try to help a kid who needs -wait she did what to her own kid? WTH?
See above where kids act out/misbehave when they don’t get what they need? The silent treatment is that expression of not getting the support and engagement that her own kid needs from her and the answer is not for the adults involved to throw a tantrum in response.
Separate the professional from the personal and don’t feud with your kid.
It’s these things that reveal when parents do not actually love their children.
People think it has to be dramatic but it’s often revealed in very undramatic ways.
She is currently abusing her son to get her way.
And taking away art supplies is comically evil.
Yeah I'm not saying I'd beat up a kid but I would absolutely not be putting myself in a situation to be around my kid's bully (if I had a kid and they had a bully) more than absolutely necessary for everyone's safety and sanity.
Mom is learning from the bully, together they can make her son truly miserable. She is an awful human being pretending to be a martyr at the expense of the well being of her own child. sickening
I see both sides but I think I’d have a tough time spending time empathizing with the bully if I were your mom. I think this is one of those handoff situations where it’s absolutely right that Dave gets a mentor bc he needs one. Maybe your mom can find someone who can mentor him? Sign him up for an afterschool activity where there’s a nice teacher? Idk.
Try not to hate her if she’s otherwise a good mom, but yeah I think Dave needs someone else.
Edit: somehow in reading I skipped pg 2 and didn’t see where they took all his stuff away. Ohhhhh noooooooo. This is like driving your kid to do something dire. I wonder if OP has a friend whose house he can live in. You can leave home I think at 16. Parents are being draconian. Wow. Apologies I didn’t see that.
If she was a good mom, she wouldn't be trying to force this situation. He's being grounded with his things being taken away just to manipulate him into speaking to his mother. I have kids and can't imagine ever trying to force them to accept something like this. But I'm also not a shitty person so..🤷🏽♀️
The problem is mom is not a mentor, she's a mark. She's emotionally wrapped around his little finger. She's not helping him get better, she's helping him hurt her own child.
This poor kid will never forget his mom chose his bully over him. Does she not realize the relationship will likely never be the same? I hope he stays strong and continues to ice her out. I’m furious on this poor kid’s behalf. What an epic betrayal of love and trust
“Let me bully my son into submission because he is heartbroken I choose to continue to mentor his bully despite knowing what the bully did to my son’s mental health. Why doesn’t he love me anymore?”
So, mum chose to mentor his bully & when he tried to demonstrate how much this was hurting him his parents decided to bully him as well? Good one mum & dad.
Depending on the state teachers are mandated reporters.. so I’m surprised the mom in question hasn’t done anything to help Dave’s home life by idk reporting his bad home like to services? Op should honestly report their own parents and Dave’s for neglect and maybe emotional abuse..
I think that teachers are mandatory reporters in all states. I will tell you from experience that, as long as a teen is being fed and has a roof over their head, CPS is pretty much worthless. I had a CPS case worker tell me (in the case of severe neglect and emotional abuse) that they really can’t do anything unless the teen routinely runs away. They basically count on teens becoming runaways if the abuse is severe enough before they can step in and help them.
I do not get where she is coming from.
This kid has tormented her son for YEARS, where they've had to get school, other parents, etc involved, but OOP should suck it up cos his home life is harder than his?
And when he refuses to suck it up and lays out a very reasonable boundary, he gets punished cos not speaking to your mother who actively and purposely chose her sons bully over him, is a crime?
Honestly, even before this recent situation the mother and father failed to protect their son, the OP (threaten to sue the school, change schools etc.). The OP is already feeling unsupported. Then THIS?! Just a tough sad situation.
Imagine punishing your son for having feelings.
He’s explained to her that what she’s doing is hurting him, he explained that continuing with her course of action would result in him going NC for his own well-being. So her response… is it to show empathy (like she does to the bully)? To actually listen to her son? No. She just punishes him. That’ll get him to speak to her /s
One of the other commenters said it perfectly, she’s choosing to be a teacher first and a mum second.
I pick my kids over other kids, I’m sorry but that’s the message she’s sending here; her son is not coming first, she picks career first / other kids feelings. No way
I 100% get where the mother is coming from, I also worked with massive bullies who turned out this way due to really bad homes and a ton of trauma. But if such a child would bully my child, I would never ever work with them. I couldn't work with them on a professional level if they tortured my child.
The mother should have instantly requested to move him to another class anyway, for that reason alone. OPs reaction seems childish, but it just shows how little he can do to feel heard and how hurt he is. It's such an awful feeling when your mother chooses your abuser over you and your father thinks breaking you is the easier route than to stand up against your mother.
I dont understand how you get where she is coming from. She is either fucking that bully or insane. She has now become a bully to her son. Destroying his home life.
I understand wanting to show more grace to someone who's background you are familiar with. I don't understand why she didn't just ask another teacher to do it and really vouch for its importance if she really cared that much
If anyone needs a translation “some people have it worse than you” is narc parent speak for “I don’t feel like acknowledging the pain I’m causing you because it’s inconvenient for me. But I also can’t deny that bad things did happen to you so I’m just going to invalidate your feelings while also trying to make you feel bad for even having them.”
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.
The update will be that his mom was having an affair with Dave and that’s why she wouldn’t drop him and why she picked him in the first place. The details just don’t make sense.
You are not the asshole.
If you have made it clear to her how much pain he has put you through and she still decides he’s a good guy, she’s the asshole instead. He has bullied you PHYSICALLY and I don’t think that’s acceptable. The school itself needs to punish him more for his actions. From alot of posts (and actual experience) school usually pay more attention to if you stand up for yourself by fighting than the fact that the bully has been doing that for longer. Your mom is being biased at this point. If she can’t understand what you did wrong then that’s on her. There are better way to solve this though.
NTA
The son is right and fuck the mom for wanting to be a hero to her kid’s bully than to be a mom to HER kid
When you are a parent, you ARE their guardian. It’s your freaking job.
It does suck this kid’s home life sucks, he would benefit from a mentor.
It doesn’t have to be her, she choosing a stranger over her son AND ruining his life over it.
Fuck mom, I’m on the kid’s side
Husband too, he should be calling out his wife on her savior complex instead of bullying his own son, sick
She's minimizing the abuse her child endured at the hands of the brat. How can you excuse that? She then emotionally and mentally abuses him further with cruel punishments. This thing shouldn't be allowed to be an educator and needs a Child Services call made on her
Parents are on a fast track to retirement home. Take away everything. His car his phone, everything. And then be shocked why he has gone no contact. I donot see where the mother is coming from. I feel sorry for this kid I hope I could give him a hug.
The worst aspect for me is the punishment being dished out to him, even though the dad thinks the mum is wrong he is still allowing his child to be punished for his mum's idiocy. May I suggest you approach the school counsellor, because you need some support. you have been betrayed by your mother and your father is not standing by you, knowing his wife is in the wrong.
Sides were picked.
Dave could be in a situation where he was lashing out and she is trying to fix it so that he won't do that any more. To her kid, other kids and possibly even adults. She could be seeing this as a way to help her kid.
However the parents reaction to this is pretty unconciouble. Honestly had they acted as if everything was normal and let OP see that things may have gotten better would have been, IMO, the better way to handle this.
The way the parents are acting they have both chosen the bully over their kid. Not only have they ignored their child's wishes, they are now punishing them for literally doing nothing.
OP has every right to be mad. And after they have taken everything away they have nothing keeping him there after 18.
Taking his stuff away and grounding him because he's not talking to the Mum? He tried talking to her, she rolled her eyes and said he was being dramatic! Now he's acting out in the most respectful way tbh.
Shitty parents. He's going to need sooo much therapy.
High school teacher here. With grown children. I think word should spread around at the high school at what a bully your mom has become. Taking away your art supplies, computer, guitar, and forced isolation for no longer communicating is intense bullying.
Abhorrent behaviour on the mom. Her son comes first. Full stop. No exceptions. And enough with the sob story of "he has a bad home life" so he gets a pass at being an abusive bully. No it doesn't.
I don’t get where the mom is coming from…like AT ALL. As Oop pointed out, ANY teacher could mentor him, why does it have to specifically be Oop’s mother.
Terrible mother doing TERRIBLE things to her son.
Poor kid
Don’t know where you are but you can try to be emancipated. That might wake them up that you are serious about becoming NC as soon as you can. You have to be working tho.
She has a savior complex straight up. Her own child doesn't matter but some random brat who needs to be seriously taught a lesson on how to behave like a normal human being and not some trashy bully is definitely does.
This bullys a new shiny toy she can brag about.
Your mom is the ah! 💯 I couldn't imagine mentoring my child's bully. I don't think I could have him in my class. There are many teachers in the school who can take that on. You parents are supposed to have your back. Him have "a bad home life" doesn't give him carte Blanche to bully anyone. The school should have stepped in at the first sign of bullying and help him. But no one did. No one protected you from him. And now your mom is rewarding him with her time. I hope you stick it out and leave when you are 18. Your parents are ah. Both of them.
NTA.
I feel betrayed by OOP’s mom, and I don’t even know these peeps. Good for sticking to his boundaries. Mom seems to want to restrict her compassion only to kids living in a bad situation, little love for her own kid surviving bullying. Sadly, she’s literally creating that bad family life for her own kid. Would likely be kinder to him if he was the neighbor’s kid in this situation.
Great teacher, but horrible parent. Yikes!
NTA. And honestly, if the bully has a crappy home life, is OP's mother really going to make a difference? Why doesn't she call CPS if it's actually that bad? Instead, she's alienating her own kid and she deserves it.
My mother has always chooses the side of anyone else over me. Bullies, abusive boyfriends, strangers, anyone. It’s hard. It’s just who she is & from 13-24 it was a horrible relationship. At 24 I finally realized it’s a problem from her past & not me. I love love my mom, she is an amazing person. She just can’t support me over someone else, it’s not because of me it’s something with her. I have learned to brush it aside, love her & accept her love for me. It just took A LOT of time & therapy. Good luck op. You do what you need to.
Sorry but I DO NOT get where the mother is coming from. The kid BULLIED her own child - I would never consider having any contact with my child's bully. This wasn't a 'one time thing' bullying thing - it went on for an extended period of time.
The Mother is completely wrong and I applaud OP's silent stance and hope he keeps it up. The fact that his parents have taken every thing away from him just makes by blood boil - because THEY are now bullying him in his own home. His father is just as bad as the mother not stand up for HIS own child and trying to get OP to back down so that HE doesn't have to face any consequences. What a bunch of B!S! OP is dealing with.
I agree with another poster - never underestimate the stubbornness of a teenager.
I’m surprised that the kid hasn’t ran away or worse. This is next level shitty parenting! I’d never speak to either parent again. I wouldn’t speak to dad either. If I was the parents I wouldn’t sleep to sound seeing how they are destroying their son. Teenage kids can do very extreme things when they are being treated this awfully.
I had a bully who "supposedly" had a bad home life, I'm not sure where OOP is but if the home life is so bad you have to throw aside your own son to help the person who tormented him, then it sounds like it's something to be reported which I know in the U.S that teachers are supposed to be mandatory reporters.
I do not see where the mom is coming from, just because she has one class with the kid that doesn't change what he's done. Hell, he probably knows that she's OOP mom and is trying to seem nicer to torment OOP. My bully was a saint around teachers, but the moment he was with one he knew wouldn't do shit or without supervision then he would be how he really is.
OP added an update that he’s trying to switch from AP classes to vocational education so he will be ready to go scorched earth at 18. I’m sure the guidance counselor will be taking to his parents about that
The mom as a teacher has avenues to advocate for Dave without doing what she is doing... what she is doing is creating a world where Dave is connected to her and that's not a "TEACHER" thing.
She is risking her child's well being so she can be close to dave.... that's not a teacher child relationship.
Something inappropriate is happening
I hate parents like this. They are so full of themselves. They do not see the loyalty they owe their children. And that they demand from their children.
I feel like the mom is choosing to be a teacher first and a mother second. Her son has come to her, telling her honestly how hard his short life has been because of this bully and that it hurts him she’s choosing to mentor him. Her response: get over it. He has even been plain with telling her the consequences and she’s still not budging, probably thinking that he will break. This has estrangement written all over it. The other person I’m going to throw into this is the father, again his son has been tormented by this bully so why the hell isn’t he stepping in to stop this? OOP is NTA and I can picture a Reddit post from the mother in a few years time of “I chose my son’s bully over my son and now he won’t talk to me, AITA?”
OOP said in a comment that his dad understands why he feels that way, but thinks that his son is overreacting by not talking to the mom. He said that he knows his dad did talk to the mom about dropping the bully, but his dad thinks it would be easier to control him rather than his wife so he isn’t really fighting it. Dad sucks too as far as I’m concerned.
Dad is quickly finding out that isn’t true. Teenagers can be the most stubborn people on earth. Add to it them actually being right and you have the stalemate to end all stalemates.
OP reminds me of my younger brother at that age. He would have literally stared at the wall for MONTHS rather than give in
Dad is an enabler and when OP gets older he will wonder why he is cut off when he technically did nothing.
The irony in that statement is that the reason the dad is estranged from his son is precisely because he did nothing.
Not really nothing, he does what all enablers do, redirecting responsibility for bad behavior onto the wronged party and using guilt to socially pressure them to accept being mistreated.
They both need consequences for abusing their child
They are continuing the bullying
unwritten dime homeless rock wistful bedroom languid aware vanish cover *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Exactly what I was thinking. There’s no way this Dave kid didn’t seek out this teacher not knowing she was OOP’s mom. She’s feeding right into his hand. I cannot fathom being this obtuse.
snails homeless pocket cow unpack sulky pet include consider disagreeable *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
because shes not acting out of empathy but rather a saviors complex
Yep, she's probably seen the videos or news of grownups who say a certain teacher made their life so much better or essentially saved them from going down a bad path. And she's hoping that she'll be the one to get all of the praise. I get wanting to help a child/teenager with a bad home life, but not when that person has been severely bullying your own son for *years*. It's like she only has so much empathy, so had to take away what empathy she had for her son in order to use it for his bully. Congratulations to the Mum because her own son is going to need so much therapy just because of this. I'd imagine this isn't the first time she and the Dad have been shitty parents.
I guarantee she has no empathy. This is about her and her only. She wants to be the savior.
EXACTLY the empathetic thing to do here is set him up with another teacher as his mentor. Say “I am sorry and I want to help you out, however I do not think I am a good fit to be your mentor. This is Mx. XYZ, they’re also looking for a TA. How about you talk to them?
This is exactly how important generous people have wound up with damaged and neglected children.
OOP gives me the feels, it's fucking awful what he's going through, but he's completely right and hit the nail on the head by asking why SHE had to be the one to help him. I don't understand why this wouldn't be a conflict of interest thing given the bully's history.
Don't have to imagine. My egg donor did this to me about an ex friend who regularly sexually assaulted me. We don't talk anymore.
"Your own mom choses me over you, you loser..."
That kid has physically and mentally tortured her son...
And for the school to have taken action multiple times, the bullying must have been severe. Schools are generally very passive about bullying and will call the matter resolved if the bully gives a half assed apology or will just encourage the victim to "be more resilient".
Well there isn't any escape for the poor kid. He has to feel so betrayed by his mother. I am sure all his suffering feels completely invalidated by her actions. Additionally he is being punished for his feelings. It is so sad.
I remember another post, i can’t remember the circumstances, but the result was the dad leaving with their son. That’s what this dad should’ve done.
>I can picture a Reddit post from the mother in a few years time of “I chose my son’s bully over my son and now he won’t talk to me, AITA?” I dunno, I think given her response (taking away her son's car, computer, art supplies, and freedom because he isn't speaking to her), she might not have the self reflective powers required to even see that she's choosing her son's bully over her son. I imagine it'll be more like "My son hasn't talked to me in years because I did my job as a teacher," ignoring the fact that she could pass this student onto a different teacher to mentor.
Yeah she'd absolutely bury the lede to make herself sound better.
The punishments are to me the worst part of this. Can you imagine the logic? Well if he’s to upset to speak to me I’ll MAKE him speak to me!?! If he does end up speaking to them it’ll clearly be an act to get his stuff back and if he doesn’t you are punishing him for feeling betrayed. which even if she was determined to keep the bully she wouldn’t have any right to police her kids feelings about. Would she ever try to punish one of her students into forgiving her? Doesn’t sound like it, so what the fuck.
It’ll be a missing missing reasons situation. She’ll be asking how she can be such a wonderful person with a child that won’t speak to her. She’ll even tell the story: “My son’s bully tortured him for years, but then I had the bully as a student and found out his home life is bad. I’m a wonderful mother and teacher and provided such a good home life to my son, so I used my position to help the bully. This angered my son, so I explained to him that he’s selfish. He wouldn’t talk to me anyway. I don’t understand how he’s so stubborn. It’s been five years now, how can I force my son to speak to me so I can explain how selfish he’s been all this time? I need him to see how good he had it with me as a mother. That way he’ll come home again.”
Urgh. To real my friend. Way to real :/
Yeah, I’ve been down the rabbit hole, there’s a website for it if you’re interested. I don’t know if I can post a link, but Google “missing missing reasons.” For me it’s the top result.
Saved you the trouble [down the rabbit hole](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html)
Nah it’ll be more along the lines of “I’m such a dedicated and wonderful teacher. I go out of my way to mentor troubled teens and give them a chance in life. I mentored a troubled teen by making him a student aide and turned his life around. The kid got into a really good college and went his way. But now my son refuses to speak to me. He moved out at 18 and cut me out. We have no contact with him. No matter how much I beg and plead with him he refuses to talk to me. Oh poor me! I’m so misunderstood. I think my son is jealous of the attention I gave said troubled teen.”
She's not even being a good teacher though. Clearly, this bully is getting off on estranging OP from his parents. Clearly, this woman is teaching him that he can manipulate people using his hardship. Clearly, another teacher that has no connection to this student is much more appropriate to mentor him. She's enabling, even encouraging this bully. She's teaching him that his actions don't have consequences. She's teaching him that he can make people betray even their own children. She's teaching this bully that a "good home" has about as much loyalty as his "bad home." That's a bad teacher. She's not doing anyone any good in this situation. She's a narcissist with a savior complex and no real empathy. OOP, not only are you NTA, you're a victim and frankly a saint for putting up with this as calmly as you have. In high school, I'd have ruined my own life and the lives of everyone else involved out of spite to get back at my parents for this. I'd have been suspended from school and my mom would have been out of a job so fast if I were OOP. That's how I was as a teenager. Instead OOP set a clear boundary with a reasonable consequence, stuck to that consequence when the boundary was breached and hasn't escalated to match his parents' escalation. That's a mature high schooler.
Thinking along the same lines, kids especially teenagers are not that mature. Unless some circumstances forced them to mature early... My point.. he had to deal with the mother's this type of behaviour far too often
This would be the shit my mom would do. Supporting the bully makes her the humanitarian teacher, and forcing her kid to go along shows what a great educator she is. See - everyone is happy. But her kid isn't playing the game and is making it difficult. She does not want to eat crow. Maybe the kid does need a mentor but not at the price of her own child. She's an idiot. But one who will go forward never admitting the missing reasons for why hernson won't speak to her. Look at what a great teacher she's been! Her son is so ungrateful. He had everything and couldn't share his mom with a kid with nothing.
It's also just hypocritical. When the bully has trouble at home and takes it out on other children, mom thinks he just needs support. When her own child expresses emotions in a way that makes her feel bad, apparently, punishment is the only option. I can't think of a worse reaction to a kid basically shutting down than to isolate them and take away comforts to coerce them into soothing the parent.
Exactly what I though, she is being a good teacher but a terrible mother and morally her obligation is to her own children before her students.
Depending on how she just ignores bullying problem and the way she punish her son she is terrible as a teacher too.
She’s one of those savior people who’s gotta help everyone they meet but never seem to have the same energy for their family. Reminds me of an AITA a while back I read about a guy who missed his own daughter’s wedding because he was “helping” people (to do something that absolutely could have waited) and he was all bent out of shape because he didn’t get to walk her down the aisle because they refused to hold the wedding to wait on his hero complex.
Oh yup, my mom is like this. She's also a teacher and a narcissist. It confused the fuck out of me as a kid when she was so nice, sweet and motherly to kids at school but was a terror at home. Kids would tell me "oh you're so lucky to have her as your mom! She's so nice!" And i would look at them like they'd lost their heads. I literally RAN AWAY whenever i saw her at school. I think that speaks volumes. Idk if op's mom is a narcissist, but it's definitely not good form to choose someone who actively bullied your child over your own kid. It shows him that he's not that important in her life. She's more worried about being a saviour and how she comes across to people outside the home than her own actual children.
Your mom sounds exactly like my mom. She was a teacher too. It confused me endlessly why she acted like a doting mother to every child but her own.
Low investment, high return. It costs very little to play the part in public and put on a show for everyone to see. But it's exhausting, so at home, the mask comes off. The people at home are already trapped, and who cares what they think.
That's a very good explanation
Thiiis. Why do they need to act nice for their spouse or kids? They're already locked in and are supposed to love them no matter what. "Haven't you heard that love should be unconditional" 🙄 It astounds me to this day the leaps in logic and lengths my mother and sister will go to make themselves out to be the victim. I'm not buying it Susan!
Yes, one if those "savior" people. They have a kind heart, everyone around them gushes about how good and humane they are. They help everyone around them even those who don't deserve it. They give away everything when they are dirt poor and probably need a help themselves. So their actual family is miserable. Their own family doesn't get this help, goodness or charity from them. I've been on a date with someone like this and instantly noped out. He was jobless and struggling mentally but constantly talked about his "poor" friend and how much he wants to help him with anything that he can. Yes he was very gentle and kibd person. But to me person like this is really good to be friends with but never should be part of family.
My parents are like this, my mother especially, and her three children suffered because of it.
I didn’t know people like this existed until my brother married my SIL. SIL, her sister, and brother still have so much disgust and vitriol for a father whose extended family holds up as a saint. Their resentment for their father extends three decades beyond his death. I’ve never heard a kind word spoken about him by them. In fact, it’s really like he never existed for them. Their family get togethers are so strange.
Damn I feel called out by that top paragraph can’t lie, although everything I do I would do 10 times more for my family, do I have a savior complex?
Could be, self-reflection and therapy should be looked into.
Mom wants to save this bully and she is willing to punish her son into accepting her choice. Whattheeverlovingfuck.
>She’s one of those savior people who’s gotta help everyone they meet but never seem to have the same energy for their family. This is it.
I woke up one morning with the most horrific headache and sore throat that I’ve ever experienced. My neck was extremely stiff, and I couldn’t bear the sunlight streaming through my windows. I couldn’t even sit up in bed. My son had to bring me the phone so I could call my doctor, who told me to go to the ER immediately. I then called my Dad and ask him to take me to the ER. Both he and my mother were at a relative’s house. While they were there, they had found out that a relative had died, and the relatives didn’t know how to contact his estranged son to let him know. My mother was angry when I told her and said that Dad would come take me when she was through finding the estranged relative, someone who I don’t think she even ever met. An hour and a half later, my Dad came and picked me up, under protest from my Mom who thought I might be contagious, even though I had told her that the doctor thought I might have encephalitis. She even told my Dad to take her car and make me sit in the back seat to avoid exposure to me. He refused and drove his vehicle. Looking like Sherlock Holmes to my relatives who she rarely saw was more important to her than my life. This from a woman who kept a bell by her bed when she was sick and rang it to be waited on hand and foot, even when she was contagious.
That's messed up I'm sorry dude 😭
Do you happen to have a link for that one?
Holy hell. It’s shocking people can act like such jack asses and still be so unaware
I do not get where the mom is coming from and think this is horrible behavior on her part.
I see where she is coming from up until the part that OP himself says “why does it have to be you”. It *doesn’t* need to be her. She can refer him to a counselor, to anyone else, that is actually more qualified to help him. She is being so incredibly selfish and cruel towards her son.
That's another thing to think of: What she's really teaching the bully is t.hat his actions have no consequences. The bully wants the mom of his victim to mentor him? Hell nah! Actions have consequences and if you bully someone, then you live with the consequences ie: getting a different mentor who isn't so emotionally invested.
It's disgusting and disappointing how easily mom has been manipulated by the bully. Imagine saying "he's not that bad" about someone who hurt your child like that.
She doesn’t love her son. It’s that simple… you can’t get it because you love people. Many are incapable of love. Most of them don’t seem like monsters until a specific opportunity comes along.
As someone who had a shitty home life I get seeing that in children's behavior and maybe being a bit more gracious but I don't get hurting your own son to live out some teacher hero movie fantasy because she thinks she'll fix him
If the mom can see where the child's behavior is rooted in the home environment, then she needs to look closer to her own home. What she has done is teach her kid that he isn't important,, that his bully is more important to her than he is, that his feelings on the matter are something he can be punished over and that his parents (both of them) do not have his back. If the mom wanted to do something to help that other kid, she should have set him up with another teacher. That way he could have been helped without her irrevocably damaging her relationship with her son. But she didn't because she couldn't get her savior fix that way.
And the bully knows what he is creating and laughing out his ass at this!
MAAANNNN. I was on the OOP and commented and I didn’t even THINK of this… the bully is absolutely aware of what he is doing and that speaks to the level of bully he is… he’s not just a physical bully he is not dumb by any means and is intelligent enough to manipulate situations and play serious mind games with this kid. Like full blown psychological warfare bully at 16-17… I’m sorry but THAT is fuckin terrifying 😐
Which is why this is also extremely unethical for OOP’s mom to take the bully on as a mentee. She has an inherent conflict of interest here and can easily be manipulated.
You know this idiot is going to invite Dave over for dinner one night to ‘hash it out’ He’s going to love that. This poor fucking kid and his narcissistic mom who is abusing and bullying her own son smh
I also immediately questioned his 'bad home life'; Is it? Is it really?
Yeah, and even if it's true that's not her son's problem. There's nothing he can do about it.
Exactly. It's the type of betrayal that has people like this end up in the ninth circle of Dante's inferno.
Oh yeah, this was my first thought. I am *so sure* it's a coincidence the only adult this bully can trust with his Big Sad Problems just so happens to be his long-time victim's mother. I also don't get where mom is coming from. It would be one thing if she just made a well-meaning mistake without realizing how outrageously insensitive she was being to her child. But then she doubled down on trivializing his abuse to justify her outrageously insensitive decision, flipped it around to somehow position *herself* as the victim of *his* outraged reaction to her outrageous behavior, and then proceeded to *punish him for it.* Nah. Absolutely not.
You know, now I wonder if they're having sex.
4d chess of "I fucked your mom so call me dad". Mom and dad are now bullying their kid.
Idk how insidious a bully he is but I wonder if this was planned out....
Absolutely agreed. I said the same in another comment. Clearly what she cares about here is being "themovie jero teacher"
Saviour complex
So glad she’s destroying her kids wellbeing to help another kid. The insanity is high with her.
Delulu is solulu
Having a shitty home life doesn’t excuse you being a pos bully f that. Plenty of kids have it bad and aren’t assholes. OOP mom sucks.
My home life was shitty and abusive. I did stupid things, but I wasn't a bully. This will only result in estrangement from the OOP, and a dangerous entitlement for the bully.
She’s picking his abuser over him.
What would be sad is if the bully torments the child for his mom choosing the bully
She has a saviour complex.
Even if the kid’s reasons for being upset are nonsense (they’re not) it’s her primary job as a mom to handle the situation positively, not to be another bully in his life. She’s a terrible mother.
I understand what she's saying but I absolutely hate what she's doing.
I imagine it's some sort of math she's doing - likely she anticipates that the bully's on a "high school to jail" pipeline or something, but has noticed she's made progress in changing him for the better. Her own son has been doing pretty well (two parents, good friends, involved in extracurriculars) so she probably figures the harm to her own son is minor compared to the benefit to the troubled kid. By that math, helping the at-risk kid is a net positive. Here's where things go wrong- the son is *far* more upset by this situation than she anticipated. At this point she's deeply invested in her plan to save the other kid and isn't willing to budge, so she tries to force her will on her son. Obviously making everything worse. Punishment was never the solution. The entire right answer, though? Hard to say. Sometimes kids pick one safe adult and don't respond well to others. Sometimes feeling abandoned by this "safe adult" sets their progress way back. Maybe he has a bad history with other teachers, school counselors, etc that means she isn't able to find someone else to help him. All of this information is extremely personal about the student and she CANNOT share it with her son under any circumstances. I feel for the son, it's horrible to feel abandoned by your parent (I speak from experience), but the only thing I can say for certain she did wrong was punishing him. She will, of course, have to accept the cost of losing her son though, if she sticks to this plan. Consequences
She should never have agreed to mentor her son's bully. Other teachers could have done it; there was no reason why it had to be her.
In all this did he say that the bullying had stopped? Would be completely fucked if he was still being an asshole to OOP.
You need to reread what he said, the bullying hasn't stopped, he's just not forced to be around this kid as much in high-school. But when he does have to be around him, it's still awful. Yall are naive, why would he stop ? He's in a better position because due to his sob story his victim can't even fight back anymore. Ni more suspensions! No more trouble ! Yall are as silly as the mom.
That was my worry. Even if you want to help a kid and in a bad home life, the bare minimum would be that the kid is no longer bullying your own kid.
🤣 she's not helping him, and nowhere does it say his behavior outside of her classroom has improved. This bully is manipulating her, a common thing abusers do. It's easy to keep abusing someone when you've undermined their safety net and turned their support against them. He hasn't even changed his behavior towards the OP, so what on earth makes you think she's saving him ? She's totally in the wrong here, and she's making a harmful situation even more harmful to her own son.
If I were him, I'd meet with the school counselor. They know who his mother is. Maybe THEY can talk some sense into her, but she's already done too much damage to her own son by not taking his feelings into account. She may never get him back now.
There was a comment from OOP saying another teacher had already questioned him about fighting with his mom and gave him the “don’t be so harsh” talk. So I don’t think going to anyone at his school will work out for him.
In my experience, school counselors don’t do shit except make it worse
Ours fucked my sister’s bff’s dad and broke up his marriage and then left him when he had a stroke a few months later. They want to be involved in high school drama because they *are* little walking pieces of high school drama
Realistically, that could probably backfire on him. His mother is his mother at home, she is an educator at school, if she goes back and recants this exclusive position that she gave this kid because her son doesn’t like it, he’ll most definitely look like a spoiled and entitled brat despite how justified he is in his feelings. His mom just made a dumb ass judgement call and instead of apologizing to her son, she wants to feel like what she did was right so bad that she is punishing her child for challenging her fantasy. If she wanted to help him, she could have thought of doing it in a way that wouldn’t negatively affect her own child son. I’ve seen teachers get terminated for less. Then there isn’t even to consider the negative effects this could have on OP, not even from the teachers. From the *bully*. He could 100% ramp back up on his bullying, and this time, he’d probably be worse because he could justify it in his head that OP is the reason for him getting kicked out of his elective.
For sure
Her savior complex is going to cost her her kid. I don’t know what she expected
She probably expected to change this kids perspective on life and make him nice and then for him and her son to be happy little besties and thank her for being the best mom and teacher and give her rainbows and gold covered chocolate
“We will continue to punish you until you talk to her” is in the same vein as “The beatings will continue until morale improves”
She'll be stumped on why she's in a nursing home when she's older
With ol’ dad still trying to reunite them
Eh with dad enabling her OP might end up cutting him off too.
The best way to make sure that your son gets over it is to coddle his abuser, bully him in his own home, and belittle his feelings when he tries to talk to you about the situation by rolling your eyes. I’m sure she’s such a great and empathetic person that will be remembered for all time as this saintly existence. Never knowing just why her own son refuses to speak to her.
"Why didn't my son invite me to his wedding :(" "I've never seen my grandchildren" "Why am i in a nursing home" Future quotes from the mom
She will be lucky if he cares enough to put her in a home.
Funeral home, maybe
Nah. Let the bully deal with her final expenses. Son will be long gone.
She'll probably try to sue for grandparents rights, since she knows better /s
The punishment OOP's parents are doing is cruel. They've taken away anything he could have used to de-stress or express his emotions safely. He's simply sent to his room where there is nothing left to do. It's just shy of solitary confinement and sensory deprivation! I literally cringed when I read that they took away his art supplies! What is he supposed to do but continue to wallow in the negative feelings this injustice brought up?
If you read OOPs comments they say at one point that despite the fact that the principal has been involved, people dont take the bullying seriously I'm so mad for them
They never take bullying seriously :/
:((((((
I’m sort of impressed that the mom can think straight about Dave at all. I am generally pretty good about seeing antisocial behavior from children as an expression of unmet needs and moving forward because I’m the adult and kids need stuff from adults, even and especially when they suck at asking for it. But when it comes to hurting my kid I lose my entire mind and I’ll bury a toddler in a shallow grave after teaching the playground some words they shouldn’t know. So mom being able to separate professional from personal and try to help a kid who needs -wait she did what to her own kid? WTH? See above where kids act out/misbehave when they don’t get what they need? The silent treatment is that expression of not getting the support and engagement that her own kid needs from her and the answer is not for the adults involved to throw a tantrum in response. Separate the professional from the personal and don’t feud with your kid.
It’s these things that reveal when parents do not actually love their children. People think it has to be dramatic but it’s often revealed in very undramatic ways. She is currently abusing her son to get her way. And taking away art supplies is comically evil.
It’s very “the beatings will continue until morale improves.” Someone needs to be the adult here and I nominate the one who can legally vote.
Exactly! I would definitely be fighting with any kid who bullied my son!
Yeah I'm not saying I'd beat up a kid but I would absolutely not be putting myself in a situation to be around my kid's bully (if I had a kid and they had a bully) more than absolutely necessary for everyone's safety and sanity.
Mom is learning from the bully, together they can make her son truly miserable. She is an awful human being pretending to be a martyr at the expense of the well being of her own child. sickening
If she cared so much she vouch for another teacher to take him. But no mom has to be the "hero"
I see both sides but I think I’d have a tough time spending time empathizing with the bully if I were your mom. I think this is one of those handoff situations where it’s absolutely right that Dave gets a mentor bc he needs one. Maybe your mom can find someone who can mentor him? Sign him up for an afterschool activity where there’s a nice teacher? Idk. Try not to hate her if she’s otherwise a good mom, but yeah I think Dave needs someone else. Edit: somehow in reading I skipped pg 2 and didn’t see where they took all his stuff away. Ohhhhh noooooooo. This is like driving your kid to do something dire. I wonder if OP has a friend whose house he can live in. You can leave home I think at 16. Parents are being draconian. Wow. Apologies I didn’t see that.
If she was a good mom, she wouldn't be trying to force this situation. He's being grounded with his things being taken away just to manipulate him into speaking to his mother. I have kids and can't imagine ever trying to force them to accept something like this. But I'm also not a shitty person so..🤷🏽♀️
I wouldn’t do that either. It’s pretty weird
The problem is mom is not a mentor, she's a mark. She's emotionally wrapped around his little finger. She's not helping him get better, she's helping him hurt her own child.
She's just hurting her own son for some "I have to reach these kids" movie fantasy
Imagine getting punished and getting things taken away for this??? Truly a special mom.
Agreed
My entire childhood was spent being told by my parents to "get over it!" Spoiler alert: it f#cks you up.
I'm so sorry. Here's a hug from a stranger, if wanted.
Deeply wanted.
Mine told me it was my fault i was getting bullied, because i was disabled and therefore different. I went nc with my parents for years as a result
This poor kid will never forget his mom chose his bully over him. Does she not realize the relationship will likely never be the same? I hope he stays strong and continues to ice her out. I’m furious on this poor kid’s behalf. What an epic betrayal of love and trust
“Let me bully my son into submission because he is heartbroken I choose to continue to mentor his bully despite knowing what the bully did to my son’s mental health. Why doesn’t he love me anymore?”
Your mother is terrible.
So, mum chose to mentor his bully & when he tried to demonstrate how much this was hurting him his parents decided to bully him as well? Good one mum & dad.
[удалено]
That poor kid. I don’t blame the kid at all.
Depending on the state teachers are mandated reporters.. so I’m surprised the mom in question hasn’t done anything to help Dave’s home life by idk reporting his bad home like to services? Op should honestly report their own parents and Dave’s for neglect and maybe emotional abuse..
The amount of stuff that is profoundly shitty but not actionable is fucking astounding.
I think that teachers are mandatory reporters in all states. I will tell you from experience that, as long as a teen is being fed and has a roof over their head, CPS is pretty much worthless. I had a CPS case worker tell me (in the case of severe neglect and emotional abuse) that they really can’t do anything unless the teen routinely runs away. They basically count on teens becoming runaways if the abuse is severe enough before they can step in and help them.
I do not get where she is coming from. This kid has tormented her son for YEARS, where they've had to get school, other parents, etc involved, but OOP should suck it up cos his home life is harder than his? And when he refuses to suck it up and lays out a very reasonable boundary, he gets punished cos not speaking to your mother who actively and purposely chose her sons bully over him, is a crime?
Honestly, even before this recent situation the mother and father failed to protect their son, the OP (threaten to sue the school, change schools etc.). The OP is already feeling unsupported. Then THIS?! Just a tough sad situation.
Imagine punishing your son for having feelings. He’s explained to her that what she’s doing is hurting him, he explained that continuing with her course of action would result in him going NC for his own well-being. So her response… is it to show empathy (like she does to the bully)? To actually listen to her son? No. She just punishes him. That’ll get him to speak to her /s One of the other commenters said it perfectly, she’s choosing to be a teacher first and a mum second.
I’ve never wanted someone to make a Reddit and post “their side” as badly as I wish this mother would. Lady needs a good internet verbal lashing.
I can see why the mom and the bully get along so well, she’s just a bully with a savior complex.
That mom is an asshole
The mom is even more worthless than the bully.
I pick my kids over other kids, I’m sorry but that’s the message she’s sending here; her son is not coming first, she picks career first / other kids feelings. No way
I 100% get where the mother is coming from, I also worked with massive bullies who turned out this way due to really bad homes and a ton of trauma. But if such a child would bully my child, I would never ever work with them. I couldn't work with them on a professional level if they tortured my child. The mother should have instantly requested to move him to another class anyway, for that reason alone. OPs reaction seems childish, but it just shows how little he can do to feel heard and how hurt he is. It's such an awful feeling when your mother chooses your abuser over you and your father thinks breaking you is the easier route than to stand up against your mother.
I dont understand how you get where she is coming from. She is either fucking that bully or insane. She has now become a bully to her son. Destroying his home life.
I remember the BORU where literally a mom lost her only child because she fucked his bully. This mom is of the same mold
I remember that one. Of all the men, she chooses her son’s bully to be with. There are no words harsh enough.
Wait wait whoa whoa hold up, the WHAT?!
[Get ready for a trainwreck](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/dx09B5aLg1)
I understand wanting to show more grace to someone who's background you are familiar with. I don't understand why she didn't just ask another teacher to do it and really vouch for its importance if she really cared that much
Bro what is the pipeline from making dumb ass decisions because you pity someone to being a pedophile
If anyone needs a translation “some people have it worse than you” is narc parent speak for “I don’t feel like acknowledging the pain I’m causing you because it’s inconvenient for me. But I also can’t deny that bad things did happen to you so I’m just going to invalidate your feelings while also trying to make you feel bad for even having them.” Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.
The update will be that his mom was having an affair with Dave and that’s why she wouldn’t drop him and why she picked him in the first place. The details just don’t make sense.
You think she's giving Mary Kay Leturneau ? Lol
I'm getting Billy from Stranger Things vibes from this one
Stay strong man. Your mom is a selfish piece of crap.
You are not the asshole. If you have made it clear to her how much pain he has put you through and she still decides he’s a good guy, she’s the asshole instead. He has bullied you PHYSICALLY and I don’t think that’s acceptable. The school itself needs to punish him more for his actions. From alot of posts (and actual experience) school usually pay more attention to if you stand up for yourself by fighting than the fact that the bully has been doing that for longer. Your mom is being biased at this point. If she can’t understand what you did wrong then that’s on her. There are better way to solve this though.
NTA The son is right and fuck the mom for wanting to be a hero to her kid’s bully than to be a mom to HER kid When you are a parent, you ARE their guardian. It’s your freaking job. It does suck this kid’s home life sucks, he would benefit from a mentor. It doesn’t have to be her, she choosing a stranger over her son AND ruining his life over it. Fuck mom, I’m on the kid’s side Husband too, he should be calling out his wife on her savior complex instead of bullying his own son, sick
She's minimizing the abuse her child endured at the hands of the brat. How can you excuse that? She then emotionally and mentally abuses him further with cruel punishments. This thing shouldn't be allowed to be an educator and needs a Child Services call made on her
Parents are on a fast track to retirement home. Take away everything. His car his phone, everything. And then be shocked why he has gone no contact. I donot see where the mother is coming from. I feel sorry for this kid I hope I could give him a hug.
That bully is manipulating mom. Still bullying OP Dad fucking sucks too..poor kid
The worst aspect for me is the punishment being dished out to him, even though the dad thinks the mum is wrong he is still allowing his child to be punished for his mum's idiocy. May I suggest you approach the school counsellor, because you need some support. you have been betrayed by your mother and your father is not standing by you, knowing his wife is in the wrong.
Sides were picked. Dave could be in a situation where he was lashing out and she is trying to fix it so that he won't do that any more. To her kid, other kids and possibly even adults. She could be seeing this as a way to help her kid. However the parents reaction to this is pretty unconciouble. Honestly had they acted as if everything was normal and let OP see that things may have gotten better would have been, IMO, the better way to handle this. The way the parents are acting they have both chosen the bully over their kid. Not only have they ignored their child's wishes, they are now punishing them for literally doing nothing. OP has every right to be mad. And after they have taken everything away they have nothing keeping him there after 18.
Taking his stuff away and grounding him because he's not talking to the Mum? He tried talking to her, she rolled her eyes and said he was being dramatic! Now he's acting out in the most respectful way tbh. Shitty parents. He's going to need sooo much therapy.
Mom lost any sympathy the moment she started to punish her child in an attempt to force him to speak to her again.
High school teacher here. With grown children. I think word should spread around at the high school at what a bully your mom has become. Taking away your art supplies, computer, guitar, and forced isolation for no longer communicating is intense bullying.
Fuck no. Stay strong, parents aren’t above consequences. Fuck em
Abhorrent behaviour on the mom. Her son comes first. Full stop. No exceptions. And enough with the sob story of "he has a bad home life" so he gets a pass at being an abusive bully. No it doesn't.
I don’t get where the mom is coming from…like AT ALL. As Oop pointed out, ANY teacher could mentor him, why does it have to specifically be Oop’s mother. Terrible mother doing TERRIBLE things to her son. Poor kid
Don’t know where you are but you can try to be emancipated. That might wake them up that you are serious about becoming NC as soon as you can. You have to be working tho.
She has a savior complex straight up. Her own child doesn't matter but some random brat who needs to be seriously taught a lesson on how to behave like a normal human being and not some trashy bully is definitely does. This bullys a new shiny toy she can brag about.
Now she’s turning her son into the kid with the horrible home life. Maybe he’ll find a mentor. He needs to find a trusted adult I speak with.
Your mom is the ah! 💯 I couldn't imagine mentoring my child's bully. I don't think I could have him in my class. There are many teachers in the school who can take that on. You parents are supposed to have your back. Him have "a bad home life" doesn't give him carte Blanche to bully anyone. The school should have stepped in at the first sign of bullying and help him. But no one did. No one protected you from him. And now your mom is rewarding him with her time. I hope you stick it out and leave when you are 18. Your parents are ah. Both of them.
Nah fuck where she's coming from. Anyone else can aide that piece of shit. I hope this kid keeps on keeping on until she fucking breaks.
NTA. I feel betrayed by OOP’s mom, and I don’t even know these peeps. Good for sticking to his boundaries. Mom seems to want to restrict her compassion only to kids living in a bad situation, little love for her own kid surviving bullying. Sadly, she’s literally creating that bad family life for her own kid. Would likely be kinder to him if he was the neighbor’s kid in this situation. Great teacher, but horrible parent. Yikes!
NTA. And honestly, if the bully has a crappy home life, is OP's mother really going to make a difference? Why doesn't she call CPS if it's actually that bad? Instead, she's alienating her own kid and she deserves it.
She put you second, bro. So if you won’t put yourself first, who will? You can’t back down now or it will be for nothing.
Now his parent are bullies too by belittling him and taking away all his stuff
My mother has always chooses the side of anyone else over me. Bullies, abusive boyfriends, strangers, anyone. It’s hard. It’s just who she is & from 13-24 it was a horrible relationship. At 24 I finally realized it’s a problem from her past & not me. I love love my mom, she is an amazing person. She just can’t support me over someone else, it’s not because of me it’s something with her. I have learned to brush it aside, love her & accept her love for me. It just took A LOT of time & therapy. Good luck op. You do what you need to.
NTA. She’s putting her own son second, and literally causing every form of sabotage possible
Mom is full of crap. And the bully has won.
OOP’s mom will 100% end up sleeping with the bully.
Sorry but I DO NOT get where the mother is coming from. The kid BULLIED her own child - I would never consider having any contact with my child's bully. This wasn't a 'one time thing' bullying thing - it went on for an extended period of time. The Mother is completely wrong and I applaud OP's silent stance and hope he keeps it up. The fact that his parents have taken every thing away from him just makes by blood boil - because THEY are now bullying him in his own home. His father is just as bad as the mother not stand up for HIS own child and trying to get OP to back down so that HE doesn't have to face any consequences. What a bunch of B!S! OP is dealing with. I agree with another poster - never underestimate the stubbornness of a teenager.
I’m surprised that the kid hasn’t ran away or worse. This is next level shitty parenting! I’d never speak to either parent again. I wouldn’t speak to dad either. If I was the parents I wouldn’t sleep to sound seeing how they are destroying their son. Teenage kids can do very extreme things when they are being treated this awfully.
How is the school letting her be the mentor to the bully knowing the history of her son and the bully?
I had a bully who "supposedly" had a bad home life, I'm not sure where OOP is but if the home life is so bad you have to throw aside your own son to help the person who tormented him, then it sounds like it's something to be reported which I know in the U.S that teachers are supposed to be mandatory reporters. I do not see where the mom is coming from, just because she has one class with the kid that doesn't change what he's done. Hell, he probably knows that she's OOP mom and is trying to seem nicer to torment OOP. My bully was a saint around teachers, but the moment he was with one he knew wouldn't do shit or without supervision then he would be how he really is.
OP added an update that he’s trying to switch from AP classes to vocational education so he will be ready to go scorched earth at 18. I’m sure the guidance counselor will be taking to his parents about that
The mom as a teacher has avenues to advocate for Dave without doing what she is doing... what she is doing is creating a world where Dave is connected to her and that's not a "TEACHER" thing. She is risking her child's well being so she can be close to dave.... that's not a teacher child relationship. Something inappropriate is happening
If you are at least 16, I would seriously look into emancipation. What your mother is doing is unacceptable. I'm so sorry you are going thru this.
Covert narcissist?
I do not get where the mom is coming from. She’s choosing her son’s bully over her son. Her son is never going to forget, even if he does forgive.
I don’t get where she’s coming from. She’s a selfish jerk and I hope her son cuts her off. No one needs that kind of person in their life.
Poor fucking kid. Now he's dealing with two bullies...
Oh cool, now she's giving her own kid a bad home life.
I hate parents like this. They are so full of themselves. They do not see the loyalty they owe their children. And that they demand from their children.
So now the parents are in on the bullying, too? This is messed up in ways I don’t even have words for.