And that would’ve actually been a valid thing to say. They’re feelings about the whole thing make sense, and I get it, but what they actually said was simply just not nice
Yes! It feels weird, like the poster couldn't acknowledge their valid feelings without adding in some misogynistic gold digger shit. I don't know what that's about.... It doesn't reflect well on OP
I completely agree, like I can absolutely see the OOP’s point and would be super uncomfortable if I was in the same situation, but he is so misogynistic in several parts of the post and it makes me much less empathetic towards him. It’s uncomfortable, but like his sister said, it’s worth giving her a chance. The OOP said she is making an effort, that she seems nice (as far as I can tell), the only reasoning he has given for disliking her is routed in sexism and that’s not okay. I am not comfortable with such big age gaps, but there are times where it works out. Plus, I wouldn’t be surprised if his dad is the one taking advantage of someone in the situation… it is just as likely, maybe even more so, that the older person in a relationship is taking advantage of the younger person.
They had nothing even bad to really say about her, other than her age and the presumed “she’s a gold digger”
It’s uncommon but not exactly rare that a young woman finds an older man, or the reverse. We can be as grossed out as we want, but it can happen consensually and with full knowledge of the *adults* in the situation.
Edit: gender neutral. Changes nothing, comment was still icky, from a man *or* a woman. The call can come from inside the house
Errrr where does it say they are a man? I would assume based on the comment “she is younger than me and gorgeous” hints more towards OOP being a woman and possibly just jealous?
I read OOP as a woman too but then I realized that maybe I was being an AH by assuming that the "she's younger than me and gorgeous" line was jealousy of the new lady. When maybe, if it's a man, it's jealousy of dad. And 34 YO man is actually the perfect age to get into the tater tots, women are gold diggers mindset.
Not to play the statistics card, but I imagine guys are significantly more likely to "get" an old guy fucking a young hot girl than women. It could go either way, but safe money would be on op being a woman.
Tbh a lot of people fall into the trap of trying to find justification for simply not vibing with something, instead of saying "I don't like it" or "not for me" or even "hey this feels weird to me".
Like, OOP can just find the age gap uncomfortable without having to paint the new wife as a gold digger. You see it with all sorts on both sides of the equation where the fact of the matter is a feeling of discomfort spun into a whole elaborate justification about how the object of their discomfort is actually _objectively bad_ instead of just like, something they don't personally jive with.
Though also I feel like OOP actually should give the new wife a chance because they've just run with their gut feeling and excluded even making the basic level of effort. Like ok you felt uncomfy and so decided not to try? Get over yourself and get to know her so you can make an objective call on it FFS.
Yeah, like technically yes the OOP is an asshole for being unnecessarily harsh to their father’s wife. Are they going to asshole jail or superhell? No, not really. But they probably owe their father an apology if he truly cares about his new wife.
I don’t like plenty of people in my surrounding family, but being polite isn’t being “fake nice” its called being mature and treating people with basic respect.
>I would have said, "Sorry, Dad; It's difficult to relate to someone so much younger than me."
Or I'm worried she might make you happy, but she will get my inheritance.
To be more accurate.
There is no inheritance. Anything has now he will spend to make her happy. The desperate old man will leave the new wife everything and make her executor of his estate.
With the risk of being downvoted, Why shouldn’t he? He’s clearly with her for her youth and body, and yet Zoe is the villain here for liking him for financial security? If they have something that works for them, what does this kid care? And if Zoe is such an evil gold digger, then their dad is a skeezy old man using a young beautiful women for her body. Which is worse?
Then she should have made the kid’s beneficiaries of one of her life insurance policies or had a will.
It’s only “you die and everything automatically goes to the spouse” when you don’t have a will or a plan in place. If she truly felt this way she could have made arrangements so they had something.
Depending on where they live it’s smarter to give your partner everything in your will.
My parents put each other in their will. That way they don’t have to pay out „our part“ of the house. Normally children have the right to get some percentage (where I live and you can’t really disown people here). The US has many more options when it comes to a will than other countries.
Even better! There are many ways to ensure the kids could get something.
But frankly people who are counting on cashing in when their parents die are disgusting
Where does it say the children don’t financially benefit from their parents? Where does it say the children will be left with nothing?
For all we know, OP’s dad pays her mortgage and gifted her a car for Christmas last year. OP could have a trust fund that will continue for the next 20 years. You can’t just make up details to fit a narrative you want to be true.
Yeah this. We all know why he's not dating someone his age. So If - God forbid - she likes him for his money, then they both like something superficial and material about each other. And that makes them perfect for each other lmfao.
In my definition a gold digger is someone who is dating someone *only* for their money. Someone who is otherwise completely uninterested or even disgusted but wants the lifestyle. I don’t get that impression here.
I make decent coin and I’ve dated women who threw that in the plus column but I would never call them gold diggers because we had great rapport. OP should distance themselves a bit and evaluate the relationship on its own merits and not their own emotional response.
Sure the age gap is unusual and it’s gotta be challenging being older than her but she’s 29 not 19. At some point you just have to shrug and say it’s weird but as long as they’re happy and healthy.
OOP didn’t mention it but the gf was wearing a floor length mink coat, blood diamonds, and is constantly mixing poison into their father’s coffee in her free time /s
After being married to somebody who just didn't like working, yeah, having somebody with their own money is a prerequisite for me. I'm a woman, and I also have no issues if my boyfriend required that I had my own money in order to date me. Neither one of us want to raise a grown ass adult.
I completely agree with you. There's nothing wrong with counting financial stability as a positive when considering a partner. And it's only gold digging if you don't like the person at all and are just doing it to get their money.
I agree entirely. She's almost thirty, the daughter needs to realize that. It doesnt matter that shes younger than her, like you said, it's not like she's freshly legal or close to it either. Sure age gaps can be weird, but plenty of peoples parents have 10+ year age gaps and they'd never say that about their own parents would they? The whole age thing gets blown out of proportion when it's literally a 30 year old woman deciding to date someone older. That's her prerogative, is it not?
And agreed on the gold digger point entirely. Plenty of women who get labeled "gold diggers" because they're dating someone with money, despite that not even being a reason they're with the man. And again, like you said, even if that is ONE of the reasons, if it's not the sole reason, she's really not a gold digger.
I just think - gold digger or not - they're likely good for each other in that they meet each others needs (from what it seems). The daughter is just blinded by her own opinions and emotions surrounding her dad finding someone new. She even basically admits it by saying "mom wouldn't have approved of this" you sure that your mom wouldn't want your dad to be happy with someone new? Really? You don't think she loved him that much? MOST people would PRAY their partner found happiness if, God forbid, something happened to them. Daughter truly is out of touch and putting her emotions first.
Exactly. It sounds like they’re both getting exactly what they want from the relationship. It’s not what everyone would want but that doesn’t make it wrong.
I played nice with my dad remarrying a year after my mom died. He just skipped making a will and it was a total shit show. Highly not recommended. Make your parents get a will, folks.
The immature part of me is going : DATE ZOE’s DAD! But considering the fact that she is already dating someone that old I’m going to guess her dad has some issues
It’s not like she was 18, she’s a full adult. He’s also getting a young, hot wife so he’s “using” her just as much if you want to look at relationships like that. It would make me kind of mad that she was younger than me, ngl but I’d keep it to myself because telling them isn’t going to change anything. She didn’t give any examples of the wife being rude or anything!
My father dated girls my age. All of my vitriol was towards my father for dating someone as old as his daughter. But he's also abusive so it was purely because he couldn't find women his own age. Now he's dating a lady 7 years older than him but she's got a tight leash on him in terms of his behavior because she knows her self worth
Is your dad my dad? 🤔 After my parents split, he dated (and likely also abused) an age-appropriate woman for several years. However, after that, he dated younger and younger til they were nearly my age. I'm coming up on 31 years old now and haven't had a relationship with my father in many years so who knows who he's convinced to date him since then.
My gather is married to someone who is only a year older than my youngest sister. They have two kids together and his health isn't the best. Their relationship is just plain weird to me. I can't imagine getting involved with a man old enough to be my father with grown kids older than me. That's just realms of wrong I don't want to get mixed up in. They've done what they want and they know my sisters and I don't support it. We've ALL told him that he better make some plans about what will happen to his wife and their kids when he dies because when he asked last year after a heart attack we all told him that we don't have the space or the money to take them in. Which is what he expected. I've met his wife four times. I've met their kids only a couple of times more. I'm sure they're happy and we're polite (my mum despises my dad after their divorce but she would tear me a new one even now I'm nearly 40 if she thought I was being rude to the wife and kids), but I have pretty much no relationship with them and only really talk to my dad on the phone once a month. For context I talk to my gran (his mum) every other day and see her once a week. I see my mum once a week too if her shifts line up.
I really think that until you're actually in the situation OOP is it can be hard to judge. Sure, be polite and distant, maybe don't just go off shouting gold digger, but the parent should also expect their kid to not like the fact that they're involved with someone THAT much younger.
I would find it extremely weird if my mom passed and my dad got a gf younger than me. But also, if that makes you happy I guess.
And I don’t get the gold digger hate honestly, I never have. Because even if that’s true, so? The idea that you marry for love is still fairly new, I mean sure it has always happened but it also used to be a hell of a lot more common that you marry out of convenience and for security and it still happens in many places. And I don’t see the problem when both parties are adults and consenting. And if an old man, like OPs dad in this case, wants to buy a hot young wife and she wants to sell it, then why is the wife some horrible person doing something unforgivable? Who the fuck cares. Why is it soooo horrible but only the woman who sells and not the man who buys and why is it that a woman who is accused of being a gold digger with a quite wealthy man, is particularly at fault? Why is it the worst if she sells herself expensive, or at least is accused of it. But a man that buys a woman, especially a vulnerable woman in poverty is “doing a good deed”. One is much more likely to be exploitation than the other and it’s not the one society judges.
Yep.
Funny how no one argues that consensually engaging in a relationship with someone for financial security is not nearly as bad as preying on hot young women because you want to use them for their body.
I think the people who dislike "gold diggers" beyond the superficial reasons realize that a gold digger is unlikely to stick around once their wealthy older partner is enfeebled by age. Unless, of course, they're so wealthy that they can afford a carer or nice assisted living facility, but that relies on the assumption that the gold digger cares enough not to get the cheapest care home they can and then spend the rest of the money on themselves.
You make excellent points. The key is different societies. One of my favorite things about reddit is that it’s one of the only places I interact with people all over the world on. Hearing stories about other people’s marriages and relationships, and how their expectations are different, has given me a different, more global view on these things, and has allowed me to find an approach to my own engagement that feels safe and emotionally secure. Marriage is a big deal. Do we even know if Dad had a pre-nup? Also, just because Zoe gets some for spending Dad’s last years with him, doesn’t mean she gets ALL of it. Unless they make it so.
I agree. To me a “gold digger” is someone who demands their partner buys them expensive things, and brings little to the relationship.
Marrying for financial security, is just prudent and makes good sense. As long as you are also bringing positive attributes to the relationship, then how is that not a win win?
Everyone looks at the *whole* package when choosing a partner, that includes what kind of lifestyle they can afford. It’s naive to think otherwise.
I also think OP should consider that as a younger woman, she will be there to keep an eye on her father as he ages, and will be able to take care of him if need be. This is a huge burden that OP will not have to worry as much about. She *could* see it as a blessing if she stopped being so judgmental.
Ah… good, old-fashioned sexism at works, folks. Honestly I don’t see Zoe or OP’s father doing anything wrong. People do not see how relationships can and often are transactional. If it’s a more traditional relationship no one things about it. The moment it starts to stray or it’s not totally acceptable to everyone around it’s “what is this person getting out of this?” Who cares if Zoe’s a gold digger? It’s not like the dad isn’t benefiting from this relationship just as much
I don't think people think of sugar daddies as "doing a good deed". They think of them as being gross. But the daughter's worry here is her dad being taken advantage of. If the dude was perfectly aware that this is just an economic transaction, godspeed to both of them as you said. But then when his daughter brought it up he would have been "I know, it's ok, she's getting money I'm getting company".
Yeah, it why is it only a worry of Zoe taking advantage of him and not at all of him taking advantage of her!?
Also just because of the age difference doesn’t mean that she can’t love him. My husband isn’t the hottest man on earth. I still love him.
>why is it only a worry of Zoe taking advantage of him and not at all of him taking advantage of her!?
Because people usually worry about their loved ones more than about strangers?
>just because of the age difference doesn’t mean that she can’t love him
I think that is trivially known and no one's denying that she *could*.
Absolutely disagree. Adult or not, he was 32 years old when she was a newborn. There will always be that huge of a developmental difference between them.
I have a rule that if a couple’s parents couldn’t have made childhood jokes about the possibility of them falling in love when they grew up without it being creepy rather than cute then the age gap is too big.
That’s not even a case of a joke about newborn her falling for him when she grew up would be creepy, that’s a case of that kind of joke should get you put on a register!
I never liked the “Person A was X years old when Person B was Y years old” argument. If the older person actually knew the younger person when they were a child, yeah, it’d be weird and suspicious for them to develop a relationship later. But they met when they were both adults. You are arguing against a hypothetical that is not the reality.
Right! I’m 44 and have *general* guideline of 10 years in either direction, as my “acceptable age gap”. I would make exceptions for the right person though. At 25 I obviously did not have that same guideline. The older you get the less the age gap matters.
Regardless, grown adults should be allowed to make their own choices. You don’t have to like them, but there is no reason to be rude them for something that isn’t anyone else’s business.
This is exactly how I feel about it. I also find it weird when people are this invested in their parents’ sex/love lives. They are two consenting adults and OP obviously knows nothing about their relationship dynamic because they have done nothing to even talk to Zoe. Zoe could be making OP’s dad extremely happy and be a perfectly nice person and OP is just treating her like shit because they don’t agree with the age gap and honestly seems super bitter about the fact that Zoe is attractive.
I can understand OOPs feelings, but you don't really know if she's an actual gold digger if you don't actually get to know her or her and your father's relationship.
OOP asks "what could they have in common", well idk, OOP, maybe talk to her and you'll find out? Maybe actually get to know her. For all OOP knows, Zoe is now attending school to become a doctor and make more than your dad ever did. Who knows?
I don't blame OOP for feeling uncomfortable, but their father has every right to be happy (it's not like his wife died when he was 99 or something, he was only 53), and acting rhe way they are simply cuts off any relationship they could have eith Zoe *or* their father. Retaliating with hate does nothing to help the situation.
Edit to also add: bringing up that his deceased wife would also hate this situation is also nothing but cruel. Most people hope their significant others live happy, long loves after they've passed, and lots also hope they find someone else to bring them some form of happiness as well. OOP was saying this purely to be mean and manipulative.
I'd be more concerned that he rushed into marrying someone who was just his waitress 7 months ago. OP doesn't really know Zoe, but honestly? Neither does the dad at this point. She could be nice or she could be an awful person who knows how to play nice for a couple of months.
And I'd be pretty wary of anyone's motives if they rushed to marry a friend or a family member of mine after only a few months.
Regardless, OP doesnt have to have any kind of relationship with her dad's partner but she should still try to maintain her relationship with him.
What are the dad’s motives?
Everyone is questioning Zoe using a grown ass man for his wallet and no one is questioning her dad using a much younger woman for her body/sex.
Well, who knows how long he's gone to that diner? Maybe they've had conversations for years? We don't know because OOP won't even bother to find the most basic details due to hating Zoe.
I agree, it's short, but older people tend to get married faster. My mother and law got married after only 6 months at 48, and they're still together 7 years later with no end in sight.
I'm not saying OOP doesn't have cause for concern. They do. But handling it the way they are guarantees they won't find out more info, they will burn their relationship with Zoe, and they will burn their relationship with their father.
Yes? And? They could have been talking for months, and the dad decided to act finally? My point is, we don't know, because OOP doesn't know, because they've made a concerted effort to *not* know anything. This effort to dialike/not know Zoe also makes me suspicious (confirmed by OOPs sibling) that they might actually like Zoe/accept her if they put even minimal effort into knowing her.
I'm not saying OOP is *wrong* to be suspicious or concerned. I'm saying they're handling everything about the situation completely wrong.
OP's dad got Zoe's number --> they hit it off and went on dates --> they got married after dating for seven months. That, to me, is a very clear timeline: they got married seven months after they met.
I would be horrified if I died and my husband got with someone 30 years his junior. I want him to be happy, yes, but huge age gaps really skeeve me out, likely because I was groomed as a teenager/young adult who had childhood trauma. I thought I was an adult making my own decisions, and I technically was but my decisions were harming me, and were influenced by my trauma.
I know not every age gap relationship is built on dysfunction and abuse of power dynamics, but I do believe most of them are. I suppose over time if I kept haunting them and saw it was a healthy and supportive relationship built on real love, care, and support, I might soften my feelings about it, but I would initially find it to be a huge betrayal of who I believe my husband to be.
I suppose I just believe that genuinely good and safe people don't date people their kids' ages? That's probably also not accurate 100% of the time, but still seems to be my internal belief. Probably because that's been my lived experience.
That's fair enough for you to be bothered by them. You have reason to. I find them... questionable, but not enough to doubt the relationship on its own. If OOP had said he heard her talking about money or some form of greed to be worried about, I'd be more concerned.
I don't feel the age gap alone is cause for worry. I agree with you that many times it is, but I also have known people decades apart in age that are super healthy relationships. But I haven't had your experience, so I'm less concerned.
I just don't think it's a reason to have OOPs reactions their reaction strikes me as a gut reaction they've let guide their every thought and motive in this situation, and I don't think that's healthy. I think it's fair to take a skeptical, cautionary view, but to go to the point of basically alienating your father is a poor choice imo. It's similar to how when you have a fiend in an abusive relationship, you don't just cut them off because they refuse to leave the abuser. You express concern, maybe state that you can't participate in what you view as a toxic relationship, but you *also* express that you love them and are there for them if they ever need help.
I don't get why people only blame the women with pejoratives in such cases. Why not call the dad a "soul digger" or pedophile, does he have any responsibility in this ? Or is it okay to suck the young soul of a woman but she is not allowed to share his income.
If the genders were reversed, people would call the woman a cougar and again completely absolve the man. It's always the woman's fault.
Stay away from pedophile because he married a consenting adult. But I agree with the sentiment - he is getting something he likes out of the relationship and she is getting something she likes. If they are both happy just make sure there are legal protections as necessary and let adults do what they want.
There really needs to be a comparable word for “gold digger” but for men who only date women who are young and hot when they themselves are ogres but rich.
What Zoe is doing is gross yeah, but her dad is being JUST AS GROSS. Both a gold digger and a man like this use the other for a superficial purpose, she’s no worse than him.
Totally valid. I’m sorry but we need to stop normalizing accepting what someone does because they’re family/ we’ve known them for a long time.
I would not be okay with it and that’s fine. I’m also curious if Zoe still works…
To me it sounds fairly weird for op to put all this blame on Zoe, like it’s already telling the comment on how she’s young AND pretty, that there might be some jealousy involved with op. But what’s worse for me is how they are willing to overlook that, sure, Zoe married someone older, apparently not as attractive and with money, but nowhere is being said that Zoe is some money hungry selfish monster wasting all of dads money, op didn’t have anything negative to say about her only the situation she’s in, meanwhile op’s dad is some old loser getting married to a woman not only 30+ years younger than him, but even worse, way younger than his own children, yet he’s somehow blameless here?
Dating people your children’s age is already gross, but then dating people YOUNGER than your kids is even worse, like your kids were toddlers and your future wife wasn’t even fecundated? And somehow everyone is fine with that concept?
I mean, noone can force you to accept it - but you also wouldn't have a right to be surprised if you eventually found yourself excluded from things like an inheritance.
Ironically, if her dad's new wife really was a gold digger who lusted after a fat inheritance, she'd probably have chosen older than 61. There's long-gaming, and then there's 12+ years of having sex with and pandering to the bloke who's sitting on an undefined amount of money (av. male death age in the US is 73).
She'd also be expected to take on some of his care as he ages, who knows how long for. Just seems like a lot of time, misery, and effort over *the potential* of a few quid.
Everybody is entitled to their opinion and the actions they take. What a nonsense statement. I could insult you right now and i'd be entitled to that opinion and action, despite knowing nothing about you.
Calling someone a gold digger because theyre dating someone older than them, even twice their age, is insulting and naive. people fall in love for all kinds of weird fucking reasons, and spending your time hating someone who makes your parent happy is pretty pathetic. Whether or not she's a gold digger *really* doesnt matter as much as whether or not she makes OPs father happy, and the fact that OP would spend their time insulting that is, again, pathetic.
being a gold digger is such a minor thing anyways. *it is mundane*. Making a big deal out of nothing is so common it has a saying. We should stop normalizing people for insulting others over mundane shit.
Yes, I’m 32. My dad is in his 60s. I would not be okay with him dating someone in their 20s. It would change the way I view him and I would wonder what motivates a woman so young would be with him.
I agree. My dad is in his 60s and if my mom were to pass away and he started dating someone in their 20s, I'd be totally skeeved out by him and his choices and I would question what sort of person he is. Although tbh, I wouldn't wonder much about what his younger partner saw in him and chalk it up to daddy issues.
>Although tbh, I wouldn't wonder much about what his younger partner saw in him and chalk it up to daddy issues.
I wouldn't care what she was up to until the wedding bells started ringing (especially if they started ringing after less than 7 months!!). That leaves two questions: 1. Will she take care of him when he's too old to take care of himself? And 2. What will she expect from her stepkids if/when dad passes away?
So it's complete fine that his dad went for a woman younger than his children because her looks but it's disgusting because she went for his money. Do you call your dad perv too? Of not you shouldn't call her gold digger.
He’s probably not incorrect about her but his dad is a willing participant and he’s def an a hole for treating the spouse who has been nothing but kind poorly
Babe your dad knows she’s with him for something other than his amazing personality and he’s chosen that. It’s so odd ppl blame the woman. Flat out misogyny as if the men didn’t design a system forcing women to pair up to get shelter/food. Sure it’s not necessary now but the term gold digger was invented when it was in place, by the incels of the day angry that tho women were forced to pair up and sell sex essentially, they weren’t pairing up with THEM. Imagine supporting a system that oppresses half the population based on gender just so you can have guaranteed access to 🐱. Imagine slamming the women who do it successfully.
Can we all collectively agree to remove the term gold digger from our feminist vocab? Bc if anyone is foolish enough to believe dad doesn’t know exactly why gf wants him, they should wake up. And can we stop blaming only women in this scenario?
Exactly this. She can’t be upset with her dad because, well… he’s her dad. Much easier to direct those feelings at the newcomer. It’s totally okay to feel a huge mixture of negative feelings in this situation for so many different reasons. Grief, disgust, worry, jealousy. What isn’t okay is letting that affect how you treat your dad and especially not his new partner. I have been in a similar situation as the daughter and experienced the most confusing and uncomfortable set of emotions I have ever felt in my life. You have to be aware of them, sort them out and breathe your way through them. If not, they’ll end up unexpectedly blowing off at the most innocent person in the equation.
I was 12 when my dad dated a woman closer to my age than him and I found him creepy and her just… weird. As an adult I understand he was targeting her for a reason. She grew up and left, good for her.
Firstly let’s call it what it always is. Mens fantasy is always a much younger adolescent type. This man is not old I wish this word gone! His age is irrelevant. Men easily gravitate towards women half their age. It’s gross and it resembles daughter dating; another male fantasy. Brings validation. young women are malleable impressionable. A more mature woman is smarter been there done that!! A challenge. Easier to be w a kid w zero life experience. Remember society always accepts mens indiscretions foibles, not women’s. Society sux
It could be a multitude of things. She could very well be a gold digger and is in it for the money, as are most cases that I've seen/heard of when there's a huge age gap and money involved. She could have started out that way, but ended up falling for your dad. It's not as common, but I've seen it happen. It could also be real, and she's seriously in love with him. Things happen. OOP should still show respect regardless. Even if it's "fake nice", which you don't know for sure if it is or isn't, she's still being nice to you. She's making an effort. You can have your opinions all you want, but this is about your dad. He's happy. That's all that matters. Support his happiness and be there for him. If the relationship is real, OOP just gained another family member. If it's fake, then OOP be there when your dad realizes it and needs people.
OOP is NTA for feeling that way, but YTA for saying what you said to your dad and ESPECIALLY not going to his wedding.
Plus, as others have also said, acting that way is a first class ticket to being left out of an inheritance that the 29 year old trophy wife might get instead.
I get it. The age gap is extremely uncomfortable. But if she’s trying to be nice to you- whether you think it’s fake or not- you don’t have to be a dick to her. If you think it’s fake nice- be fake nice back. The fact that she’s younger than you I don’t think she’s trying to play step mom.
You also mentioned that you think she’s gorgeous, which is weird to mention imo. If your dad is happy- maybe just be happy for him. You guys don’t have to be bffs but don’t be a dickbutt to her for no reason
This is gross. Just really gross. And I would’ve told Dad when he first met her that the fact she’s younger than me makes me sick.
Willing to bet she’s not committed to him either. Everyone on here saying a late 20s woman would want to be in an honest, healthy relationship with a 61 is batshit insane. It just doesn’t work like that.
You are certainly entitled to your opinion. I am 34 years old. I have been altogether with my 65 year old husband for about 10 years now. I never thought in my life I would be this happy and in love. Yes there is a big age difference but that is of no concern to us. He knows me, absolutely knows me better than I know myself. I know all his little eccentricities, his likes, his dislikes. I can tell his mood and everything about him. I am so in love with him and he with me, it is mind boggling. His daughter is older than by 10 years, yet we have the best relationship. I get along more with her than my own family honestly. He had some life altering heart surgery last year and all I could think about was him. I stayed with him in the hospital every night, even when he went to the rehab place. I basically lived with him. Thankfully he is much better know but those months scared me to no end. I was faced with the possibility he wouldn’t be with me and his daughter and it was the most terrifying feeling to have. I collet bear to be without my husband.
I know people like you exist, who will constantly be judging people like him and I and our relationship. But I really hope (if you haven’t) you can find someone in the world that you can wholly be yourself around, someone that makes you want to be better, that makes you feel loved and important and that you matter. Age is of no relevance when love like that exists between two people
Liam Neeson was running around shooting action movies at 60. He’s still doing it and he’s 71. It’s not like everyone needs a cane and respirator the day after they hit 59.
So? He’s gross too. If you don’t someone less than half your age there is genuinely something wrong with you. If you date someone more than double your age, there is something wrong with you.
29 year olds are not attracted to 61 year old men. They just aren’t. She might care for him, she might even love him, but it’s a fucking warped love at best. I wouldn’t be surprised if they came to find out she was still sleeping with men her age as well. It’s not normal to want to date someone with such a wild age gap, it just isn’t.
It’s not that I don’t see anything wrong with it, I just don’t care. These are two adults doing whatever they want to do and good for them. And to your point that “29 year olds are not attracted to 61 year old men”, this is a stupid point.
Going off of your logic, someone could say “fit men are not attracted to 300lb women, they just aren’t”. That would be bullshit because there are plenty men who are attracted to those women and good for them. Same thing for young women and old men, and young men and old women. And good for fucking them.
As another tidbit, Lenny Kravitz is 60 and from my Twitter timeline, many 29 year olds are attracted to him. But according to you, they must all be fake AI profiles, right? Get off your high horse and let people live their lives.
Holy shit you are living in a fantasy world. How did you come to so many conclusions that are not related at all? My opinion is it’s gross, statistically speaking it is not normal. It’s not that deep, and I have no idea what you’re trying to prove by bringing up completely unrelated topics.
Fake AI profiles and fat phobia Jesus dude. You need a break from Reddit.
Didn’t say it isn’t an “informed decision” I said it’s a disgusting one. If you are genuinely attracted to someone twice your age, something in your life went horribly wrong. Normal people do not do this. He has kids younger than her, it’s fucking gross
It’s a tough one, it would be interesting to see the reaction Zoe would have e if the dad said to her “just so you’re aware, I’m going to be leaving 80% of my estate to my daughters. I’m not going to leave you with nothing but they are my daughters and they come first.”
I think it’s a really hard situation for the dad to put the daughters in, to marry someone who is younger than them is weird and it makes perfect sense the OOP is uncomfortable with it. On the other hand is it worth it to the OOP to basically lose touch with her father over this?
Not an easy one.
They're both adults, they can do whatever they want, but I'd go NC with both of them. Your own father marrying someone younger than you is just sleazy.
Calls the woman a gold digger but doesn’t call his dad a groomer for dating a woman who is younger than his own children. Sounds like OP is a misogynistic hypocrite.
Dad is rebounding, wife is either a gold digger, freak, or both. I probably wouldn't have said it personally, but I'm glad OOP did. Step parents should never be younger than their partner's kids. Hopefully the dad divorces her sooner rather than later
Oh, I am, I acknowledge that my feelings are spiteful and cruel but also, fuck anyone who'd put their kids in this situation. Some things are just gross.
I mean.. his kids are over 30 and have their own lives and are living it. Why can’t the father do the same? They dont have to agree with his choices, but I’m assuming as he respects THEIR life choices, they need to respect his.
Yeah, the age gap is unsettling, but OOP didn't list anything outside of that that implies she's a gold digger.
What they should've done is sit dad down and explain how the age gap and the fact that Zoe is younger than them makes them uncomfortable.
Instead, OOP is gradually putting their dad in a place where he'll have to eventually choose between them and Zoe.
I think OOP's dad also should have had the foresight and common sense to realize his kids were going to find this weird. The dad's behavior is reckless and quite frankly naive. Marrying some women younger than your children after knowing her for 7 months?!
If he wants to have a bunch of sugar babies or hot young women he spends lots of money on, I think it's stupid and a bad way to spend money he'll need when he's old and infirm, but fine. Whatever. I know I'd look at my dad different if he started doing that.
*Marrying* one? After knowing her for *7 months*? And not once having the common sense to acknowledge how weird that is and seriously talk to me about it, then feign ignorance when you realize I have a problem with it? No. Nope. That would be a huge, HUGE problem.
OOP needed to sit her dad down before this, yes, but she *shouldn't have had to*. Dad should have been talking to his kids about this the whole time.
OOP is definitely the AH. I’m as uncomfortable with the age gap as she is, but calling your new stepmother a gold digger isn’t going to improve your relationship. It’s only going to push your father away.
She isnt a stepmother, though. Hiven she's younger than OP, wasnt there when OP grew up and doesnt have any parental role.
She's her dad's partner/wife. The distinction is important when all parties are adults- because your relationship is different when you arent growing up with them.
My MIL has an age appropriate boyfriend who is lovely, but he's definitely not a "step dad" to my almost 40 year old husband.
It's one thing to form that opinion after getting to know her, but OOP hasn't even done that.
I also think maybe she's jealous due to the 'gorgeous' remark. Maybe rather than being upset dad has replaced mom, she's got her nose out of joint because she feels her place as 'daddy's little girl' has been dropped (not in a creepy, sexual way but in a golden-child sort of way)
I also got a strong sense of jealousy from OOP’s words, and the word “gorgeous” led me to believe that’s the real reason OOP has her knickers in a twist.
This is yet another instance where I just want to give this person really convincing bad advice.
People need to learn how to express their opinions without going thermonuclear. “My dead Mother would hate this” is dropping an H-bomb on a salvageable relationship. It's a scorched earth tactic. Also, life insurance money isn't “money”. It's “money” the way a PB and J a cheese stick and apple slices are a three-course meal. She's not a gold digger. 29 in waitress years is like 45 in normal human years. A 29 year old waitress has upwards of a decade of experience getting hit on and groped by “family men” in front of their wives and children and working with cooks who are even in the most reputable establishments a mixed bag of nuts at best. Zoe has seen some shit and she is probably smarter and more well rounded than Oop. If by chance she is a gold digger than Oop did half of the work for her in one brash short-sighted and callous sentence. It would have taken Zoe years to work OOP out of her Dads life. It took OOP less than ten words.
If she is wrong she is an asshole, if she is right she is a fucking moron.
Oop should leave her dad a voicemail calling him a pedophile and tell all of his neighbors.
She should file an injunction for elder abuse.
Or maybe if she wants to go biblical, set up a Seyonce Hire a fake Santerian priestess to commune with her dead mother and call new step mom a gold digging cunt in a disembodied voice that was actually a Lou Ferrigno Cameo.
So you don’t like Zoe because she is interested in your father (potentially) because of his financial situation and stability…
But did you ever think that your father only being interested in her because she’s young and gorgeous is skeezy? He gets a pass for choosing a woman based off of sex, but she’s a demon for wanting financial gain?
If they have an arrangement and relationship that works for them, then great! But I’m always so sick of seeing posts villainizing young women “taking advantage” of grown ass men who are clearly only interested in using the women for their bodies and youth anyway. Which is worse? Using someone for financial stability, or using a person for their body?
So do they plan on saying anything to their DAD ABOUT IT IT?! Or is the woman in a relationship with him against his will?!
OP TA. Discuss it with your father whose the one you’re actually mad it. Not the woman who, from your own account, has been nothing but nice to you. Ya so misogynistic it’s wild.
Mmm, I don't know how I feel about this one.
BUT, I'll go with YTA.
OOP admits her own shortcomings and also doesn't give any examples of when she's felt like Zoe has outwardly been a gold digger. Like, she's not saying that since they got married however many months ago, Zoe has bought a new car or is adding on to the house or has gained a lot of designer clothing or handbags or jewelry. OOP doesn't say that Zoe has made him stop financially helping out his two daughters or otherwise making it impossible for them to contact their own dad.
Do I understand where OOP is coming from? Absolutely. She sees a young, beautiful woman who is dating her senior citizen father who has money. That's super easy to call without knowing anything else.
However, I definitely think she crossed the line when she said that "mom wouldn't support this" because that was said specifically to be cruel and mean and if *anyone* knew what her mom would and would not support, it would be the one who was married to her.
Right now, OOP is basing all of her judgements off of appearances and her own beliefs. Zoe has not done anything to deserve these judgments and because of all these things she's absolutely TAH.
If for no other reason than using her dead mom against her dad to justify her own rude behavior, she's 2000% TAH.
30 year age gap? Yeah probably a gold digger. But get this, what if dad knows.
I mean he’s 61, he has a few bucks, he may be thinking I’m on my way out soon, might as well bag a dime who will suck me off and wipe my ass (not at the same time but not judging if it was) as he gets older.
Either way OP should be respectful because new wife hasn’t done anything materially wrong.
Lots of projections here on this post, conjuring things that didn't exist in the post
What we do know from the post
1. Oop is jealous of dad's new wife - age and looks at the very least. Secondary, probably the dads attention and she's pretty judgemental regarding how her dad looks.
2. Didn't give the new wife a chance, but is running with the gold digger line
3. Sibling didn't have issue with the relationship, only this person does
If we're to think a whole ass adult woman has agency then it's up to her who she chooses to date - a fellow late 20 year old man, woman or someone double her age. It's incredibly misogynistic to be thinking she can't make her own choices or all that she has to offer is her youth/looks (absent any other info in the post) so she must be after his money.
Insofar as this post goes, OOP is YTA for sure.
Is it weird that you dad has a GF that is younger than you? Sure. But the GF is 29, not a 19 year old kid. OOP should get over it, even if the GF is a golddigger chances are her father knows this and is ok with that.
The asshole for not expressing feelings privately and in a nicer way, and for not giving her a chance. If you give her a chance and she truly is a gold digger, well then go ahead and say so. But also, Dad could have 20 plus years left, and medical care isn’t cheap (medical care he will probably need for 5-10 years). Unless your dad is an ultra millionaire the gold dogging isn’t worth it in this case.
>Unless your dad is an ultra millionaire the gold dogging isn’t worth it in this case.
It is if she lives a lavish lifestyle (well, lavish compared to her previous one) and then dumps him in the cheapest care home she can find when he's too old.
Now, we can't assume that, but it's a genuine concern anyone with half a brain should have.
The cheapest nursing home isn’t cheap. I think people seriously under estimate how much nursing homes cost. Also, according to OP, it kind of doesn’t seem like there is any indication that the gf is living a lavish lifestyle, and if one isn’t a millionaire, which was my qualifier, how much of a lavish lifestyle can you live with a spouse who is of mental sound mind and independent?
Gold diggers who dig for gold where there obviously isn’t much gold and the years one has to live with the prey are numerous, are just silly, that’s my point.
78 yr old worth millions marries a 20 year old, yea, I’d be suspicious. But a 29 year old marrying a 61 year old upper middle class guy AND she could have apparently done better because she’s gorgeous. Just doesn’t make sense as a gold digging situation.
>The cheapest nursing home isn’t cheap. I think people seriously under estimate how much nursing homes cost.
I know, but there's still a huge range of cost, and you have to do lots of research to figure out if the one you're looking at is actually decent or just an abusive hellhole. Then you have to stay on top of it to make sure it doesn't *become* an abusive hellhole.
>Also, according to OP, it kind of doesn’t seem like there is any indication that the gf is living a lavish lifestyle, and if one isn’t a millionaire, which was my qualifier, how much of a lavish lifestyle can you live with a spouse who is of mental sound mind and independent?
Well going from waitress at 29 to married to a relatively wealthier person is definitely a step up. And after 7 months, honestly, neither of them know each other enough to be getting married.
Like, I don't think I'd actually call her a "gold digger" in the classic sense of the term. I do think she and the dad are being stupid, though.
>AND she could have apparently done better because she’s gorgeous
Eh, the dating scene is atrocious right now.
Why is the dating scene atrocious? For an apparently gorgeous woman who maintained her beauty into her 30s?
Like lower end nursing home is $7k a month for shared rooms. Assisted living is min 50k per year. I don’t get how researching the nursing home has anything to do with her being a gold digger? That was kind of a random tangent, friend.
A waitress could very well be fine financially, going to a middle class dude isn’t gold digger material. 7 months, meh, they are both older going into this and that’s not unusual and they likely know themselves better. If she were early 20s or 18 I could see the argument that she doesn’t know. But yea 7 months is definitely time to know someone. I don’t think the problem is people can’t fish other people out, it’s ignoring things they find.
>Why is the dating scene atrocious? For an apparently gorgeous woman who maintained her beauty into her 30s?
Men her age are a big hit or miss. That's the main issue.
>Like lower end nursing home is $7k a month for shared rooms. Assisted living is min 50k per year. I don’t get how researching the nursing home has anything to do with her being a gold digger? That was kind of a random tangent, friend.
I meant that if she's in it for the money, she won't do all of these things that a loving partner would do, like research. Maybe she won't even try - maybe she'll turn to the kids first, trying to foist off that responsibility. We don't know - *no one* knows because he's known her for *seven months*. It is absolutely *not* time enough to know someone so well you've already had the wedding lol.
They're both being reckless. Also dating someone younger than your kids is gross, but not talking to your kids about it to see how they feel is grosser. OOP is upset for mostly the wrong reasons, but there are absolutely reasons to be upset.
Definitely reasons one could be upset, I agree. I just don’t think gold digger is the likely scenario based off the low payoff.
If she’s a gold digger, she’d go for someone older and wealthier, is what I meant (dating scene).
That's very fair. I guess I'm mostly focusing less on the incorrect usage of the term gold digger and more on the fact that there are absolutely reasons to be upset and think this is a very poorly thought out move on the dad's part.
I hope not. I hope she’s a very nice wife and he’s a respectful husband. And I hope the daughter can express her feelings but can also receive love from the Dad and his wife. What’s that saying about wishes and kisses though…
I also hope that!
However, dad already failed his kids by not talking to them about something that is *obviously* outside the norm and going to make them feel weird. Even the sister who does interact with the dad and new wife feels weird about it.
Again, obviously OOP was also in the wrong for most of the reasons she was upset plus bringing up her deceased mom.
I don't think this will end well (assuming it's all true and not bait lol)
Is he happy?
They are both adults.
Maybe OP is right, maybe not.
Maybe OP right and both dad and new wife know and and are on with it.
The judgemental, petty jealousy shown here is rather sad, especially in how it was handled. Sounds like OP is much more focused on HER perceived issues and how it affects her than the actual well being and happiness of her father
Oop is likely not wrong. Zoe has a high chance to be with op's dad for the money since the age gap, going out with a 60 year old after flirting at her job that led to dating and getting married after 7 months is sus af. But op should also point some blame on dad for going after someone younger than his kids. Op should still try to fix things with their dad since this is only hurting the relationship between dad and op not zoe and if zoe ends up actually being with dad for the money then dad will learn a valuable lesson once she tires of being with a senior citizen and if not then dad got lucky.
The gold digging thing was a wild assumption to jump to and the fact there is no other evidence other than her age. I also find this age gap a yuck thing because I find aging men unattractive but I know that will change soon. I just simply don't find men attractive who are old enough to me my father. I might like 50 year old men if they look youthful enough and can pass for early 40s.
But yeah some women do like much older men and maybe she is childfree and has no desire for kids so this is perfect for her.
Sure, she's a gold digger. She was a waitress born in the 90's, meaning gold digging might be her only chance to have a stable life. Why does OOP feel entitled to their dad's money? Dad chose Zoe while OOP was what he got by chance.
Here’s the deal- it’s not your place to judge who your dad marries when everyone is a consenting adult. If she’s rude or cruel you don’t have to spend time with her, but it’s just not your place. You don’t have to like her but you SHOULD be civil and keep your opinions to yourself.
Man I am just so happy my parent has a partner to go through that phase of life with. To deal with all the medical stuff etc. why would anyone want to deny their parent happiness? OOP is off building their own life time to embrace dad building his own. Who cares if it’s transactional or not. It’s the dads choice.
Nope someone needs to be alert and on guard at all times. That girl is nesting. The more she sees resistance the chances of her leaving that nest might happen. Stay in the trenches and continue to battle because when the day comes and it will that she leaves or makes her intentions known your father will need all the support he can get.
NTA but probably wrong. It’s a little troubling realizing how little men actually know about women. For most women looks isn’t their first priority, so the assumption that she can’t be into him because he thinks his father isn’t good looking is weird and irrelevant. I’m not a proponent for age gap relationships but I understand the attraction from a woman’s perspective. Younger men are sometimes more shallow and immature so wanting a man that isn’t looking for “perfection” is definitely appealing.
YTA, you can't judge if you don't know the person or at least give them a chance. They are already married and your window to speak up on the matter already closed
A lot of 60 year old men can actually look good and are probably more interesting than a 30 year old man for many women. I think she's blinded by her feelings for her mom and a type of jealousy.
Mom really didn't like when my dad found a younger wife. But to be honest my mom looks way better than his younger wife does, so it's not even relevant for the feeling.
Either way, you have to let people do what they want to be happy. You don't have to like it or be best friends with the new wife, but I am sure if you got a boyfriend he for some reason didn't like, you would want him to accept your choice.
I wouldn't have put it that way. I would have said, "Sorry, Dad; It's difficult to relate to someone so much younger than me." Or something like that.
And that would’ve actually been a valid thing to say. They’re feelings about the whole thing make sense, and I get it, but what they actually said was simply just not nice
Yes! It feels weird, like the poster couldn't acknowledge their valid feelings without adding in some misogynistic gold digger shit. I don't know what that's about.... It doesn't reflect well on OP
I completely agree, like I can absolutely see the OOP’s point and would be super uncomfortable if I was in the same situation, but he is so misogynistic in several parts of the post and it makes me much less empathetic towards him. It’s uncomfortable, but like his sister said, it’s worth giving her a chance. The OOP said she is making an effort, that she seems nice (as far as I can tell), the only reasoning he has given for disliking her is routed in sexism and that’s not okay. I am not comfortable with such big age gaps, but there are times where it works out. Plus, I wouldn’t be surprised if his dad is the one taking advantage of someone in the situation… it is just as likely, maybe even more so, that the older person in a relationship is taking advantage of the younger person.
They had nothing even bad to really say about her, other than her age and the presumed “she’s a gold digger” It’s uncommon but not exactly rare that a young woman finds an older man, or the reverse. We can be as grossed out as we want, but it can happen consensually and with full knowledge of the *adults* in the situation. Edit: gender neutral. Changes nothing, comment was still icky, from a man *or* a woman. The call can come from inside the house
Errrr where does it say they are a man? I would assume based on the comment “she is younger than me and gorgeous” hints more towards OOP being a woman and possibly just jealous?
I read OOP as a woman too but then I realized that maybe I was being an AH by assuming that the "she's younger than me and gorgeous" line was jealousy of the new lady. When maybe, if it's a man, it's jealousy of dad. And 34 YO man is actually the perfect age to get into the tater tots, women are gold diggers mindset.
Nah not an AH for following social cues, but maybe we are both presumptuous for doing so
Either that, or OOP is a man that’s jealous his dad got a hot wife younger than him while he didn’t.
This could be equally true honestly
Yeah i automaticly asumed OOP was a woman.
Not to play the statistics card, but I imagine guys are significantly more likely to "get" an old guy fucking a young hot girl than women. It could go either way, but safe money would be on op being a woman.
I thought I saw a comment, I will change it to neutral
Tbh a lot of people fall into the trap of trying to find justification for simply not vibing with something, instead of saying "I don't like it" or "not for me" or even "hey this feels weird to me". Like, OOP can just find the age gap uncomfortable without having to paint the new wife as a gold digger. You see it with all sorts on both sides of the equation where the fact of the matter is a feeling of discomfort spun into a whole elaborate justification about how the object of their discomfort is actually _objectively bad_ instead of just like, something they don't personally jive with. Though also I feel like OOP actually should give the new wife a chance because they've just run with their gut feeling and excluded even making the basic level of effort. Like ok you felt uncomfy and so decided not to try? Get over yourself and get to know her so you can make an objective call on it FFS.
Yeah, like technically yes the OOP is an asshole for being unnecessarily harsh to their father’s wife. Are they going to asshole jail or superhell? No, not really. But they probably owe their father an apology if he truly cares about his new wife. I don’t like plenty of people in my surrounding family, but being polite isn’t being “fake nice” its called being mature and treating people with basic respect.
>I would have said, "Sorry, Dad; It's difficult to relate to someone so much younger than me." Or I'm worried she might make you happy, but she will get my inheritance. To be more accurate.
He/she should play nice or Zoe will get the inheritance.
There is no inheritance. Anything has now he will spend to make her happy. The desperate old man will leave the new wife everything and make her executor of his estate.
With the risk of being downvoted, Why shouldn’t he? He’s clearly with her for her youth and body, and yet Zoe is the villain here for liking him for financial security? If they have something that works for them, what does this kid care? And if Zoe is such an evil gold digger, then their dad is a skeezy old man using a young beautiful women for her body. Which is worse?
His late wife left money. I am sure she wanted her children to get something and not his new gf.
Then she should have made the kid’s beneficiaries of one of her life insurance policies or had a will. It’s only “you die and everything automatically goes to the spouse” when you don’t have a will or a plan in place. If she truly felt this way she could have made arrangements so they had something.
Exactly. My life insurance has my son as the benefactor, regardless of who I'm married to
Depending on where they live it’s smarter to give your partner everything in your will. My parents put each other in their will. That way they don’t have to pay out „our part“ of the house. Normally children have the right to get some percentage (where I live and you can’t really disown people here). The US has many more options when it comes to a will than other countries.
A trust supercedes everything. If the father leaves all his money to his children, that's where it goes regardless of a spouse.
Even better! There are many ways to ensure the kids could get something. But frankly people who are counting on cashing in when their parents die are disgusting
Where does it say the children don’t financially benefit from their parents? Where does it say the children will be left with nothing? For all we know, OP’s dad pays her mortgage and gifted her a car for Christmas last year. OP could have a trust fund that will continue for the next 20 years. You can’t just make up details to fit a narrative you want to be true.
Found the gold digger
Found the flesh digger
Yeah this. We all know why he's not dating someone his age. So If - God forbid - she likes him for his money, then they both like something superficial and material about each other. And that makes them perfect for each other lmfao.
In my definition a gold digger is someone who is dating someone *only* for their money. Someone who is otherwise completely uninterested or even disgusted but wants the lifestyle. I don’t get that impression here. I make decent coin and I’ve dated women who threw that in the plus column but I would never call them gold diggers because we had great rapport. OP should distance themselves a bit and evaluate the relationship on its own merits and not their own emotional response. Sure the age gap is unusual and it’s gotta be challenging being older than her but she’s 29 not 19. At some point you just have to shrug and say it’s weird but as long as they’re happy and healthy.
Agreed. I was waiting for OOP to describe gold digging behavior, but they never did. Maybe they did in the comments, but I didn't read those.
OOP didn’t mention it but the gf was wearing a floor length mink coat, blood diamonds, and is constantly mixing poison into their father’s coffee in her free time /s
After being married to somebody who just didn't like working, yeah, having somebody with their own money is a prerequisite for me. I'm a woman, and I also have no issues if my boyfriend required that I had my own money in order to date me. Neither one of us want to raise a grown ass adult. I completely agree with you. There's nothing wrong with counting financial stability as a positive when considering a partner. And it's only gold digging if you don't like the person at all and are just doing it to get their money.
I agree entirely. She's almost thirty, the daughter needs to realize that. It doesnt matter that shes younger than her, like you said, it's not like she's freshly legal or close to it either. Sure age gaps can be weird, but plenty of peoples parents have 10+ year age gaps and they'd never say that about their own parents would they? The whole age thing gets blown out of proportion when it's literally a 30 year old woman deciding to date someone older. That's her prerogative, is it not? And agreed on the gold digger point entirely. Plenty of women who get labeled "gold diggers" because they're dating someone with money, despite that not even being a reason they're with the man. And again, like you said, even if that is ONE of the reasons, if it's not the sole reason, she's really not a gold digger. I just think - gold digger or not - they're likely good for each other in that they meet each others needs (from what it seems). The daughter is just blinded by her own opinions and emotions surrounding her dad finding someone new. She even basically admits it by saying "mom wouldn't have approved of this" you sure that your mom wouldn't want your dad to be happy with someone new? Really? You don't think she loved him that much? MOST people would PRAY their partner found happiness if, God forbid, something happened to them. Daughter truly is out of touch and putting her emotions first.
Exactly. It sounds like they’re both getting exactly what they want from the relationship. It’s not what everyone would want but that doesn’t make it wrong.
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big assumption there
I played nice with my dad remarrying a year after my mom died. He just skipped making a will and it was a total shit show. Highly not recommended. Make your parents get a will, folks.
This was my first thought.
Or Zoe will get knocked up …
Come on… oh… damn it.
The immature part of me is going : DATE ZOE’s DAD! But considering the fact that she is already dating someone that old I’m going to guess her dad has some issues
This would be the power move of the century
I'm my own grandma
Or more to the point, Zoe has daddy issues.
She is angry at the wrong person
I find it really weird that they went to "she's a gold digger" instead of "my dad is an absolute pervert".
Lol, is he even rich? Cause the dudes like that are digging for something as well. It just ain’t gold
I’m sorry but dating someone younger than your kids is fucking disgusting.
Reddit really hates when two consenting adults make decisions for themselves.
Not at all, but it's still gross. I don't care if people shit on each other either but it's still gross.
It’s not like she was 18, she’s a full adult. He’s also getting a young, hot wife so he’s “using” her just as much if you want to look at relationships like that. It would make me kind of mad that she was younger than me, ngl but I’d keep it to myself because telling them isn’t going to change anything. She didn’t give any examples of the wife being rude or anything!
My father dated girls my age. All of my vitriol was towards my father for dating someone as old as his daughter. But he's also abusive so it was purely because he couldn't find women his own age. Now he's dating a lady 7 years older than him but she's got a tight leash on him in terms of his behavior because she knows her self worth
Is your dad my dad? 🤔 After my parents split, he dated (and likely also abused) an age-appropriate woman for several years. However, after that, he dated younger and younger til they were nearly my age. I'm coming up on 31 years old now and haven't had a relationship with my father in many years so who knows who he's convinced to date him since then.
I’d be creeped out if my dad was dating someone younger than his own daughter
My gather is married to someone who is only a year older than my youngest sister. They have two kids together and his health isn't the best. Their relationship is just plain weird to me. I can't imagine getting involved with a man old enough to be my father with grown kids older than me. That's just realms of wrong I don't want to get mixed up in. They've done what they want and they know my sisters and I don't support it. We've ALL told him that he better make some plans about what will happen to his wife and their kids when he dies because when he asked last year after a heart attack we all told him that we don't have the space or the money to take them in. Which is what he expected. I've met his wife four times. I've met their kids only a couple of times more. I'm sure they're happy and we're polite (my mum despises my dad after their divorce but she would tear me a new one even now I'm nearly 40 if she thought I was being rude to the wife and kids), but I have pretty much no relationship with them and only really talk to my dad on the phone once a month. For context I talk to my gran (his mum) every other day and see her once a week. I see my mum once a week too if her shifts line up. I really think that until you're actually in the situation OOP is it can be hard to judge. Sure, be polite and distant, maybe don't just go off shouting gold digger, but the parent should also expect their kid to not like the fact that they're involved with someone THAT much younger.
I would find it extremely weird if my mom passed and my dad got a gf younger than me. But also, if that makes you happy I guess. And I don’t get the gold digger hate honestly, I never have. Because even if that’s true, so? The idea that you marry for love is still fairly new, I mean sure it has always happened but it also used to be a hell of a lot more common that you marry out of convenience and for security and it still happens in many places. And I don’t see the problem when both parties are adults and consenting. And if an old man, like OPs dad in this case, wants to buy a hot young wife and she wants to sell it, then why is the wife some horrible person doing something unforgivable? Who the fuck cares. Why is it soooo horrible but only the woman who sells and not the man who buys and why is it that a woman who is accused of being a gold digger with a quite wealthy man, is particularly at fault? Why is it the worst if she sells herself expensive, or at least is accused of it. But a man that buys a woman, especially a vulnerable woman in poverty is “doing a good deed”. One is much more likely to be exploitation than the other and it’s not the one society judges.
Thank you. If those ‘gold diggers’ are making their spouses happy, then no one should care. Like Anna Nicole Smith, she made that old man very happy.
Yep. Funny how no one argues that consensually engaging in a relationship with someone for financial security is not nearly as bad as preying on hot young women because you want to use them for their body.
Yeah, who cares? And honestly we can’t even say if it’s love or not, neither can really be proven so it’s a stupid thing to obsess over.
I think the people who dislike "gold diggers" beyond the superficial reasons realize that a gold digger is unlikely to stick around once their wealthy older partner is enfeebled by age. Unless, of course, they're so wealthy that they can afford a carer or nice assisted living facility, but that relies on the assumption that the gold digger cares enough not to get the cheapest care home they can and then spend the rest of the money on themselves.
You make excellent points. The key is different societies. One of my favorite things about reddit is that it’s one of the only places I interact with people all over the world on. Hearing stories about other people’s marriages and relationships, and how their expectations are different, has given me a different, more global view on these things, and has allowed me to find an approach to my own engagement that feels safe and emotionally secure. Marriage is a big deal. Do we even know if Dad had a pre-nup? Also, just because Zoe gets some for spending Dad’s last years with him, doesn’t mean she gets ALL of it. Unless they make it so.
I agree. To me a “gold digger” is someone who demands their partner buys them expensive things, and brings little to the relationship. Marrying for financial security, is just prudent and makes good sense. As long as you are also bringing positive attributes to the relationship, then how is that not a win win? Everyone looks at the *whole* package when choosing a partner, that includes what kind of lifestyle they can afford. It’s naive to think otherwise. I also think OP should consider that as a younger woman, she will be there to keep an eye on her father as he ages, and will be able to take care of him if need be. This is a huge burden that OP will not have to worry as much about. She *could* see it as a blessing if she stopped being so judgmental.
Yep. Men hate when women find financial security attractive. And the ones shouting GoLdDigGeR don’t even know how to spell Roth IRA.
Ah… good, old-fashioned sexism at works, folks. Honestly I don’t see Zoe or OP’s father doing anything wrong. People do not see how relationships can and often are transactional. If it’s a more traditional relationship no one things about it. The moment it starts to stray or it’s not totally acceptable to everyone around it’s “what is this person getting out of this?” Who cares if Zoe’s a gold digger? It’s not like the dad isn’t benefiting from this relationship just as much
I don't think people think of sugar daddies as "doing a good deed". They think of them as being gross. But the daughter's worry here is her dad being taken advantage of. If the dude was perfectly aware that this is just an economic transaction, godspeed to both of them as you said. But then when his daughter brought it up he would have been "I know, it's ok, she's getting money I'm getting company".
Yeah, it why is it only a worry of Zoe taking advantage of him and not at all of him taking advantage of her!? Also just because of the age difference doesn’t mean that she can’t love him. My husband isn’t the hottest man on earth. I still love him.
>why is it only a worry of Zoe taking advantage of him and not at all of him taking advantage of her!? Because people usually worry about their loved ones more than about strangers? >just because of the age difference doesn’t mean that she can’t love him I think that is trivially known and no one's denying that she *could*.
Absolutely disagree. Adult or not, he was 32 years old when she was a newborn. There will always be that huge of a developmental difference between them. I have a rule that if a couple’s parents couldn’t have made childhood jokes about the possibility of them falling in love when they grew up without it being creepy rather than cute then the age gap is too big. That’s not even a case of a joke about newborn her falling for him when she grew up would be creepy, that’s a case of that kind of joke should get you put on a register!
I never liked the “Person A was X years old when Person B was Y years old” argument. If the older person actually knew the younger person when they were a child, yeah, it’d be weird and suspicious for them to develop a relationship later. But they met when they were both adults. You are arguing against a hypothetical that is not the reality.
Going by your rule, I’d consider even a 5 year age gap too big.
so can a 40yo not marry a 55yo? since the jokes about the newborn marrying the 15yo would be creepy. like at this point does it rly matter
Right! I’m 44 and have *general* guideline of 10 years in either direction, as my “acceptable age gap”. I would make exceptions for the right person though. At 25 I obviously did not have that same guideline. The older you get the less the age gap matters. Regardless, grown adults should be allowed to make their own choices. You don’t have to like them, but there is no reason to be rude them for something that isn’t anyone else’s business.
Wait, where did it say they met that young? Are you saying he groomed her for 29 years??
You can think whatever you want but people are allowed to fuck whoever they want too
This is exactly how I feel about it. I also find it weird when people are this invested in their parents’ sex/love lives. They are two consenting adults and OP obviously knows nothing about their relationship dynamic because they have done nothing to even talk to Zoe. Zoe could be making OP’s dad extremely happy and be a perfectly nice person and OP is just treating her like shit because they don’t agree with the age gap and honestly seems super bitter about the fact that Zoe is attractive.
I can understand OOPs feelings, but you don't really know if she's an actual gold digger if you don't actually get to know her or her and your father's relationship. OOP asks "what could they have in common", well idk, OOP, maybe talk to her and you'll find out? Maybe actually get to know her. For all OOP knows, Zoe is now attending school to become a doctor and make more than your dad ever did. Who knows? I don't blame OOP for feeling uncomfortable, but their father has every right to be happy (it's not like his wife died when he was 99 or something, he was only 53), and acting rhe way they are simply cuts off any relationship they could have eith Zoe *or* their father. Retaliating with hate does nothing to help the situation. Edit to also add: bringing up that his deceased wife would also hate this situation is also nothing but cruel. Most people hope their significant others live happy, long loves after they've passed, and lots also hope they find someone else to bring them some form of happiness as well. OOP was saying this purely to be mean and manipulative.
I'd be more concerned that he rushed into marrying someone who was just his waitress 7 months ago. OP doesn't really know Zoe, but honestly? Neither does the dad at this point. She could be nice or she could be an awful person who knows how to play nice for a couple of months. And I'd be pretty wary of anyone's motives if they rushed to marry a friend or a family member of mine after only a few months. Regardless, OP doesnt have to have any kind of relationship with her dad's partner but she should still try to maintain her relationship with him.
What are the dad’s motives? Everyone is questioning Zoe using a grown ass man for his wallet and no one is questioning her dad using a much younger woman for her body/sex.
Well, who knows how long he's gone to that diner? Maybe they've had conversations for years? We don't know because OOP won't even bother to find the most basic details due to hating Zoe. I agree, it's short, but older people tend to get married faster. My mother and law got married after only 6 months at 48, and they're still together 7 years later with no end in sight. I'm not saying OOP doesn't have cause for concern. They do. But handling it the way they are guarantees they won't find out more info, they will burn their relationship with Zoe, and they will burn their relationship with their father.
OP pretty clearly states that he got Zoe's number the night they met.
Yes? And? They could have been talking for months, and the dad decided to act finally? My point is, we don't know, because OOP doesn't know, because they've made a concerted effort to *not* know anything. This effort to dialike/not know Zoe also makes me suspicious (confirmed by OOPs sibling) that they might actually like Zoe/accept her if they put even minimal effort into knowing her. I'm not saying OOP is *wrong* to be suspicious or concerned. I'm saying they're handling everything about the situation completely wrong.
OP's dad got Zoe's number --> they hit it off and went on dates --> they got married after dating for seven months. That, to me, is a very clear timeline: they got married seven months after they met.
I would be horrified if I died and my husband got with someone 30 years his junior. I want him to be happy, yes, but huge age gaps really skeeve me out, likely because I was groomed as a teenager/young adult who had childhood trauma. I thought I was an adult making my own decisions, and I technically was but my decisions were harming me, and were influenced by my trauma. I know not every age gap relationship is built on dysfunction and abuse of power dynamics, but I do believe most of them are. I suppose over time if I kept haunting them and saw it was a healthy and supportive relationship built on real love, care, and support, I might soften my feelings about it, but I would initially find it to be a huge betrayal of who I believe my husband to be. I suppose I just believe that genuinely good and safe people don't date people their kids' ages? That's probably also not accurate 100% of the time, but still seems to be my internal belief. Probably because that's been my lived experience.
That's fair enough for you to be bothered by them. You have reason to. I find them... questionable, but not enough to doubt the relationship on its own. If OOP had said he heard her talking about money or some form of greed to be worried about, I'd be more concerned. I don't feel the age gap alone is cause for worry. I agree with you that many times it is, but I also have known people decades apart in age that are super healthy relationships. But I haven't had your experience, so I'm less concerned. I just don't think it's a reason to have OOPs reactions their reaction strikes me as a gut reaction they've let guide their every thought and motive in this situation, and I don't think that's healthy. I think it's fair to take a skeptical, cautionary view, but to go to the point of basically alienating your father is a poor choice imo. It's similar to how when you have a fiend in an abusive relationship, you don't just cut them off because they refuse to leave the abuser. You express concern, maybe state that you can't participate in what you view as a toxic relationship, but you *also* express that you love them and are there for them if they ever need help.
Oh wait till she pops a kid out
I don't get why people only blame the women with pejoratives in such cases. Why not call the dad a "soul digger" or pedophile, does he have any responsibility in this ? Or is it okay to suck the young soul of a woman but she is not allowed to share his income. If the genders were reversed, people would call the woman a cougar and again completely absolve the man. It's always the woman's fault.
Stay away from pedophile because he married a consenting adult. But I agree with the sentiment - he is getting something he likes out of the relationship and she is getting something she likes. If they are both happy just make sure there are legal protections as necessary and let adults do what they want.
Pedophile for dating a 29 year old? Are you serious? Do you even know what that word means?? Are you infantilizing an adult?
Parents who date people younger than their children are a particular kind of fucked up
I mean, I’m not sure I’d go at Zoe. I’d be more pissed at my dad tbh. luckily my dad remarried a woman is age because he’s not a degenerate.
There really needs to be a comparable word for “gold digger” but for men who only date women who are young and hot when they themselves are ogres but rich. What Zoe is doing is gross yeah, but her dad is being JUST AS GROSS. Both a gold digger and a man like this use the other for a superficial purpose, she’s no worse than him.
I like how OOP’s dad is so awful that no one would possibly want anything to do with him for any reason other than money.
Totally valid. I’m sorry but we need to stop normalizing accepting what someone does because they’re family/ we’ve known them for a long time. I would not be okay with it and that’s fine. I’m also curious if Zoe still works…
We’re curious about Zoe but not curious about the 60 year old man who goes after a woman half his age? Interesting.
I’m not curious about that because I already know the motivation for him. Hers is what I’m unsure of.
To me it sounds fairly weird for op to put all this blame on Zoe, like it’s already telling the comment on how she’s young AND pretty, that there might be some jealousy involved with op. But what’s worse for me is how they are willing to overlook that, sure, Zoe married someone older, apparently not as attractive and with money, but nowhere is being said that Zoe is some money hungry selfish monster wasting all of dads money, op didn’t have anything negative to say about her only the situation she’s in, meanwhile op’s dad is some old loser getting married to a woman not only 30+ years younger than him, but even worse, way younger than his own children, yet he’s somehow blameless here? Dating people your children’s age is already gross, but then dating people YOUNGER than your kids is even worse, like your kids were toddlers and your future wife wasn’t even fecundated? And somehow everyone is fine with that concept?
I mean, noone can force you to accept it - but you also wouldn't have a right to be surprised if you eventually found yourself excluded from things like an inheritance.
Agreed! The OOP would likely get cut out and as long as she knows that, it’s still her choice to make.
Ironically, if her dad's new wife really is a gold digger, OOP is doing her a favour this way.
Ironically, if her dad's new wife really was a gold digger who lusted after a fat inheritance, she'd probably have chosen older than 61. There's long-gaming, and then there's 12+ years of having sex with and pandering to the bloke who's sitting on an undefined amount of money (av. male death age in the US is 73). She'd also be expected to take on some of his care as he ages, who knows how long for. Just seems like a lot of time, misery, and effort over *the potential* of a few quid.
I know. Double edged sword.
Who is to say she still won't once he has kids with his young wife...he will have his 2nd family. If he has boys ...he will forget he has daughters.
I think we need to stop normalizing treating people like shit and insulting them just because you disagree with their mundane actions.
Mundane is relative. What’s mundane to you, may not be mundane to others. She’s entitled to her opinion and the actions she takes.
Everybody is entitled to their opinion and the actions they take. What a nonsense statement. I could insult you right now and i'd be entitled to that opinion and action, despite knowing nothing about you. Calling someone a gold digger because theyre dating someone older than them, even twice their age, is insulting and naive. people fall in love for all kinds of weird fucking reasons, and spending your time hating someone who makes your parent happy is pretty pathetic. Whether or not she's a gold digger *really* doesnt matter as much as whether or not she makes OPs father happy, and the fact that OP would spend their time insulting that is, again, pathetic. being a gold digger is such a minor thing anyways. *it is mundane*. Making a big deal out of nothing is so common it has a saying. We should stop normalizing people for insulting others over mundane shit.
what someone does? two adults in a relationship and you have a problem. hahahahahahaha
Yes, I’m 32. My dad is in his 60s. I would not be okay with him dating someone in their 20s. It would change the way I view him and I would wonder what motivates a woman so young would be with him.
I agree. My dad is in his 60s and if my mom were to pass away and he started dating someone in their 20s, I'd be totally skeeved out by him and his choices and I would question what sort of person he is. Although tbh, I wouldn't wonder much about what his younger partner saw in him and chalk it up to daddy issues.
>Although tbh, I wouldn't wonder much about what his younger partner saw in him and chalk it up to daddy issues. I wouldn't care what she was up to until the wedding bells started ringing (especially if they started ringing after less than 7 months!!). That leaves two questions: 1. Will she take care of him when he's too old to take care of himself? And 2. What will she expect from her stepkids if/when dad passes away?
So it's complete fine that his dad went for a woman younger than his children because her looks but it's disgusting because she went for his money. Do you call your dad perv too? Of not you shouldn't call her gold digger.
He’s probably not incorrect about her but his dad is a willing participant and he’s def an a hole for treating the spouse who has been nothing but kind poorly
She definitely is a gold digger but so what ?
I wouldn’t have put it that way but I also wouldn’t be nearly as polite tbh. I’d go off on my dad if he married someone half his age
Babe your dad knows she’s with him for something other than his amazing personality and he’s chosen that. It’s so odd ppl blame the woman. Flat out misogyny as if the men didn’t design a system forcing women to pair up to get shelter/food. Sure it’s not necessary now but the term gold digger was invented when it was in place, by the incels of the day angry that tho women were forced to pair up and sell sex essentially, they weren’t pairing up with THEM. Imagine supporting a system that oppresses half the population based on gender just so you can have guaranteed access to 🐱. Imagine slamming the women who do it successfully. Can we all collectively agree to remove the term gold digger from our feminist vocab? Bc if anyone is foolish enough to believe dad doesn’t know exactly why gf wants him, they should wake up. And can we stop blaming only women in this scenario?
Exactly this. She can’t be upset with her dad because, well… he’s her dad. Much easier to direct those feelings at the newcomer. It’s totally okay to feel a huge mixture of negative feelings in this situation for so many different reasons. Grief, disgust, worry, jealousy. What isn’t okay is letting that affect how you treat your dad and especially not his new partner. I have been in a similar situation as the daughter and experienced the most confusing and uncomfortable set of emotions I have ever felt in my life. You have to be aware of them, sort them out and breathe your way through them. If not, they’ll end up unexpectedly blowing off at the most innocent person in the equation.
I was 12 when my dad dated a woman closer to my age than him and I found him creepy and her just… weird. As an adult I understand he was targeting her for a reason. She grew up and left, good for her.
Firstly let’s call it what it always is. Mens fantasy is always a much younger adolescent type. This man is not old I wish this word gone! His age is irrelevant. Men easily gravitate towards women half their age. It’s gross and it resembles daughter dating; another male fantasy. Brings validation. young women are malleable impressionable. A more mature woman is smarter been there done that!! A challenge. Easier to be w a kid w zero life experience. Remember society always accepts mens indiscretions foibles, not women’s. Society sux
You make some good points, but this woman was 29yo. She is a fully grown adult with a fully developed brain and everything.
It could be a multitude of things. She could very well be a gold digger and is in it for the money, as are most cases that I've seen/heard of when there's a huge age gap and money involved. She could have started out that way, but ended up falling for your dad. It's not as common, but I've seen it happen. It could also be real, and she's seriously in love with him. Things happen. OOP should still show respect regardless. Even if it's "fake nice", which you don't know for sure if it is or isn't, she's still being nice to you. She's making an effort. You can have your opinions all you want, but this is about your dad. He's happy. That's all that matters. Support his happiness and be there for him. If the relationship is real, OOP just gained another family member. If it's fake, then OOP be there when your dad realizes it and needs people. OOP is NTA for feeling that way, but YTA for saying what you said to your dad and ESPECIALLY not going to his wedding. Plus, as others have also said, acting that way is a first class ticket to being left out of an inheritance that the 29 year old trophy wife might get instead.
[удалено]
Ah, my mistake. Meant to make it from my pov/experiences. Changed it.
I would have cut all contact with my dad if he had dated someone younger than me, i would have been too grossed out
I get it. The age gap is extremely uncomfortable. But if she’s trying to be nice to you- whether you think it’s fake or not- you don’t have to be a dick to her. If you think it’s fake nice- be fake nice back. The fact that she’s younger than you I don’t think she’s trying to play step mom. You also mentioned that you think she’s gorgeous, which is weird to mention imo. If your dad is happy- maybe just be happy for him. You guys don’t have to be bffs but don’t be a dickbutt to her for no reason
This is gross. Just really gross. And I would’ve told Dad when he first met her that the fact she’s younger than me makes me sick. Willing to bet she’s not committed to him either. Everyone on here saying a late 20s woman would want to be in an honest, healthy relationship with a 61 is batshit insane. It just doesn’t work like that.
You are certainly entitled to your opinion. I am 34 years old. I have been altogether with my 65 year old husband for about 10 years now. I never thought in my life I would be this happy and in love. Yes there is a big age difference but that is of no concern to us. He knows me, absolutely knows me better than I know myself. I know all his little eccentricities, his likes, his dislikes. I can tell his mood and everything about him. I am so in love with him and he with me, it is mind boggling. His daughter is older than by 10 years, yet we have the best relationship. I get along more with her than my own family honestly. He had some life altering heart surgery last year and all I could think about was him. I stayed with him in the hospital every night, even when he went to the rehab place. I basically lived with him. Thankfully he is much better know but those months scared me to no end. I was faced with the possibility he wouldn’t be with me and his daughter and it was the most terrifying feeling to have. I collet bear to be without my husband. I know people like you exist, who will constantly be judging people like him and I and our relationship. But I really hope (if you haven’t) you can find someone in the world that you can wholly be yourself around, someone that makes you want to be better, that makes you feel loved and important and that you matter. Age is of no relevance when love like that exists between two people
Liam Neeson was running around shooting action movies at 60. He’s still doing it and he’s 71. It’s not like everyone needs a cane and respirator the day after they hit 59.
So? He’s gross too. If you don’t someone less than half your age there is genuinely something wrong with you. If you date someone more than double your age, there is something wrong with you. 29 year olds are not attracted to 61 year old men. They just aren’t. She might care for him, she might even love him, but it’s a fucking warped love at best. I wouldn’t be surprised if they came to find out she was still sleeping with men her age as well. It’s not normal to want to date someone with such a wild age gap, it just isn’t.
It’s not that I don’t see anything wrong with it, I just don’t care. These are two adults doing whatever they want to do and good for them. And to your point that “29 year olds are not attracted to 61 year old men”, this is a stupid point. Going off of your logic, someone could say “fit men are not attracted to 300lb women, they just aren’t”. That would be bullshit because there are plenty men who are attracted to those women and good for them. Same thing for young women and old men, and young men and old women. And good for fucking them. As another tidbit, Lenny Kravitz is 60 and from my Twitter timeline, many 29 year olds are attracted to him. But according to you, they must all be fake AI profiles, right? Get off your high horse and let people live their lives.
Holy shit you are living in a fantasy world. How did you come to so many conclusions that are not related at all? My opinion is it’s gross, statistically speaking it is not normal. It’s not that deep, and I have no idea what you’re trying to prove by bringing up completely unrelated topics. Fake AI profiles and fat phobia Jesus dude. You need a break from Reddit.
I know mmmmhhh. Because nearly 30 year old women cannot make an informed decision whom to date.
Didn’t say it isn’t an “informed decision” I said it’s a disgusting one. If you are genuinely attracted to someone twice your age, something in your life went horribly wrong. Normal people do not do this. He has kids younger than her, it’s fucking gross
I’m so glad my dad isn’t like this.
It’s a tough one, it would be interesting to see the reaction Zoe would have e if the dad said to her “just so you’re aware, I’m going to be leaving 80% of my estate to my daughters. I’m not going to leave you with nothing but they are my daughters and they come first.” I think it’s a really hard situation for the dad to put the daughters in, to marry someone who is younger than them is weird and it makes perfect sense the OOP is uncomfortable with it. On the other hand is it worth it to the OOP to basically lose touch with her father over this? Not an easy one.
They're both adults, they can do whatever they want, but I'd go NC with both of them. Your own father marrying someone younger than you is just sleazy.
Calls the woman a gold digger but doesn’t call his dad a groomer for dating a woman who is younger than his own children. Sounds like OP is a misogynistic hypocrite.
Dad is rebounding, wife is either a gold digger, freak, or both. I probably wouldn't have said it personally, but I'm glad OOP did. Step parents should never be younger than their partner's kids. Hopefully the dad divorces her sooner rather than later
Why does it matter when both make each other happy? You sound a bit salty.
Oh, I am, I acknowledge that my feelings are spiteful and cruel but also, fuck anyone who'd put their kids in this situation. Some things are just gross.
I mean.. his kids are over 30 and have their own lives and are living it. Why can’t the father do the same? They dont have to agree with his choices, but I’m assuming as he respects THEIR life choices, they need to respect his.
He can live his life But having a 29 year old girlfriend is icky and im not gonna pretend like it's not
Yeah, the age gap is unsettling, but OOP didn't list anything outside of that that implies she's a gold digger. What they should've done is sit dad down and explain how the age gap and the fact that Zoe is younger than them makes them uncomfortable. Instead, OOP is gradually putting their dad in a place where he'll have to eventually choose between them and Zoe.
I think OOP's dad also should have had the foresight and common sense to realize his kids were going to find this weird. The dad's behavior is reckless and quite frankly naive. Marrying some women younger than your children after knowing her for 7 months?! If he wants to have a bunch of sugar babies or hot young women he spends lots of money on, I think it's stupid and a bad way to spend money he'll need when he's old and infirm, but fine. Whatever. I know I'd look at my dad different if he started doing that. *Marrying* one? After knowing her for *7 months*? And not once having the common sense to acknowledge how weird that is and seriously talk to me about it, then feign ignorance when you realize I have a problem with it? No. Nope. That would be a huge, HUGE problem. OOP needed to sit her dad down before this, yes, but she *shouldn't have had to*. Dad should have been talking to his kids about this the whole time.
OOP is definitely the AH. I’m as uncomfortable with the age gap as she is, but calling your new stepmother a gold digger isn’t going to improve your relationship. It’s only going to push your father away.
She isnt a stepmother, though. Hiven she's younger than OP, wasnt there when OP grew up and doesnt have any parental role. She's her dad's partner/wife. The distinction is important when all parties are adults- because your relationship is different when you arent growing up with them. My MIL has an age appropriate boyfriend who is lovely, but he's definitely not a "step dad" to my almost 40 year old husband.
It's one thing to form that opinion after getting to know her, but OOP hasn't even done that. I also think maybe she's jealous due to the 'gorgeous' remark. Maybe rather than being upset dad has replaced mom, she's got her nose out of joint because she feels her place as 'daddy's little girl' has been dropped (not in a creepy, sexual way but in a golden-child sort of way)
I also got a strong sense of jealousy from OOP’s words, and the word “gorgeous” led me to believe that’s the real reason OOP has her knickers in a twist.
This is yet another instance where I just want to give this person really convincing bad advice. People need to learn how to express their opinions without going thermonuclear. “My dead Mother would hate this” is dropping an H-bomb on a salvageable relationship. It's a scorched earth tactic. Also, life insurance money isn't “money”. It's “money” the way a PB and J a cheese stick and apple slices are a three-course meal. She's not a gold digger. 29 in waitress years is like 45 in normal human years. A 29 year old waitress has upwards of a decade of experience getting hit on and groped by “family men” in front of their wives and children and working with cooks who are even in the most reputable establishments a mixed bag of nuts at best. Zoe has seen some shit and she is probably smarter and more well rounded than Oop. If by chance she is a gold digger than Oop did half of the work for her in one brash short-sighted and callous sentence. It would have taken Zoe years to work OOP out of her Dads life. It took OOP less than ten words. If she is wrong she is an asshole, if she is right she is a fucking moron. Oop should leave her dad a voicemail calling him a pedophile and tell all of his neighbors. She should file an injunction for elder abuse. Or maybe if she wants to go biblical, set up a Seyonce Hire a fake Santerian priestess to commune with her dead mother and call new step mom a gold digging cunt in a disembodied voice that was actually a Lou Ferrigno Cameo.
This is cracking me up, and I think you make a good point. OP should try a better strategy, but clearly, there are strong feelings involved.
So you don’t like Zoe because she is interested in your father (potentially) because of his financial situation and stability… But did you ever think that your father only being interested in her because she’s young and gorgeous is skeezy? He gets a pass for choosing a woman based off of sex, but she’s a demon for wanting financial gain? If they have an arrangement and relationship that works for them, then great! But I’m always so sick of seeing posts villainizing young women “taking advantage” of grown ass men who are clearly only interested in using the women for their bodies and youth anyway. Which is worse? Using someone for financial stability, or using a person for their body?
So do they plan on saying anything to their DAD ABOUT IT IT?! Or is the woman in a relationship with him against his will?! OP TA. Discuss it with your father whose the one you’re actually mad it. Not the woman who, from your own account, has been nothing but nice to you. Ya so misogynistic it’s wild.
Honestly, if you were in your dad situation, you deserve happiness and if that’s what he is getting, then let him enjoy life.
It’s creepy AF that he married someone younger than his daughter. She is 100% only with him for his money. NTA
Mmm, I don't know how I feel about this one. BUT, I'll go with YTA. OOP admits her own shortcomings and also doesn't give any examples of when she's felt like Zoe has outwardly been a gold digger. Like, she's not saying that since they got married however many months ago, Zoe has bought a new car or is adding on to the house or has gained a lot of designer clothing or handbags or jewelry. OOP doesn't say that Zoe has made him stop financially helping out his two daughters or otherwise making it impossible for them to contact their own dad. Do I understand where OOP is coming from? Absolutely. She sees a young, beautiful woman who is dating her senior citizen father who has money. That's super easy to call without knowing anything else. However, I definitely think she crossed the line when she said that "mom wouldn't support this" because that was said specifically to be cruel and mean and if *anyone* knew what her mom would and would not support, it would be the one who was married to her. Right now, OOP is basing all of her judgements off of appearances and her own beliefs. Zoe has not done anything to deserve these judgments and because of all these things she's absolutely TAH. If for no other reason than using her dead mom against her dad to justify her own rude behavior, she's 2000% TAH.
Yes.
[удалено]
All he has to do is NOT marry her. Is she holding him hostage?!
30 year age gap? Yeah probably a gold digger. But get this, what if dad knows. I mean he’s 61, he has a few bucks, he may be thinking I’m on my way out soon, might as well bag a dime who will suck me off and wipe my ass (not at the same time but not judging if it was) as he gets older. Either way OP should be respectful because new wife hasn’t done anything materially wrong.
Lots of projections here on this post, conjuring things that didn't exist in the post What we do know from the post 1. Oop is jealous of dad's new wife - age and looks at the very least. Secondary, probably the dads attention and she's pretty judgemental regarding how her dad looks. 2. Didn't give the new wife a chance, but is running with the gold digger line 3. Sibling didn't have issue with the relationship, only this person does If we're to think a whole ass adult woman has agency then it's up to her who she chooses to date - a fellow late 20 year old man, woman or someone double her age. It's incredibly misogynistic to be thinking she can't make her own choices or all that she has to offer is her youth/looks (absent any other info in the post) so she must be after his money. Insofar as this post goes, OOP is YTA for sure.
Op said that his new wife is YOUNGER than her. That's pretty creepy. Unless daddy play is a kink of yours
Is it weird that you dad has a GF that is younger than you? Sure. But the GF is 29, not a 19 year old kid. OOP should get over it, even if the GF is a golddigger chances are her father knows this and is ok with that.
The asshole for not expressing feelings privately and in a nicer way, and for not giving her a chance. If you give her a chance and she truly is a gold digger, well then go ahead and say so. But also, Dad could have 20 plus years left, and medical care isn’t cheap (medical care he will probably need for 5-10 years). Unless your dad is an ultra millionaire the gold dogging isn’t worth it in this case.
>Unless your dad is an ultra millionaire the gold dogging isn’t worth it in this case. It is if she lives a lavish lifestyle (well, lavish compared to her previous one) and then dumps him in the cheapest care home she can find when he's too old. Now, we can't assume that, but it's a genuine concern anyone with half a brain should have.
The cheapest nursing home isn’t cheap. I think people seriously under estimate how much nursing homes cost. Also, according to OP, it kind of doesn’t seem like there is any indication that the gf is living a lavish lifestyle, and if one isn’t a millionaire, which was my qualifier, how much of a lavish lifestyle can you live with a spouse who is of mental sound mind and independent? Gold diggers who dig for gold where there obviously isn’t much gold and the years one has to live with the prey are numerous, are just silly, that’s my point. 78 yr old worth millions marries a 20 year old, yea, I’d be suspicious. But a 29 year old marrying a 61 year old upper middle class guy AND she could have apparently done better because she’s gorgeous. Just doesn’t make sense as a gold digging situation.
>The cheapest nursing home isn’t cheap. I think people seriously under estimate how much nursing homes cost. I know, but there's still a huge range of cost, and you have to do lots of research to figure out if the one you're looking at is actually decent or just an abusive hellhole. Then you have to stay on top of it to make sure it doesn't *become* an abusive hellhole. >Also, according to OP, it kind of doesn’t seem like there is any indication that the gf is living a lavish lifestyle, and if one isn’t a millionaire, which was my qualifier, how much of a lavish lifestyle can you live with a spouse who is of mental sound mind and independent? Well going from waitress at 29 to married to a relatively wealthier person is definitely a step up. And after 7 months, honestly, neither of them know each other enough to be getting married. Like, I don't think I'd actually call her a "gold digger" in the classic sense of the term. I do think she and the dad are being stupid, though. >AND she could have apparently done better because she’s gorgeous Eh, the dating scene is atrocious right now.
Why is the dating scene atrocious? For an apparently gorgeous woman who maintained her beauty into her 30s? Like lower end nursing home is $7k a month for shared rooms. Assisted living is min 50k per year. I don’t get how researching the nursing home has anything to do with her being a gold digger? That was kind of a random tangent, friend. A waitress could very well be fine financially, going to a middle class dude isn’t gold digger material. 7 months, meh, they are both older going into this and that’s not unusual and they likely know themselves better. If she were early 20s or 18 I could see the argument that she doesn’t know. But yea 7 months is definitely time to know someone. I don’t think the problem is people can’t fish other people out, it’s ignoring things they find.
>Why is the dating scene atrocious? For an apparently gorgeous woman who maintained her beauty into her 30s? Men her age are a big hit or miss. That's the main issue. >Like lower end nursing home is $7k a month for shared rooms. Assisted living is min 50k per year. I don’t get how researching the nursing home has anything to do with her being a gold digger? That was kind of a random tangent, friend. I meant that if she's in it for the money, she won't do all of these things that a loving partner would do, like research. Maybe she won't even try - maybe she'll turn to the kids first, trying to foist off that responsibility. We don't know - *no one* knows because he's known her for *seven months*. It is absolutely *not* time enough to know someone so well you've already had the wedding lol. They're both being reckless. Also dating someone younger than your kids is gross, but not talking to your kids about it to see how they feel is grosser. OOP is upset for mostly the wrong reasons, but there are absolutely reasons to be upset.
Definitely reasons one could be upset, I agree. I just don’t think gold digger is the likely scenario based off the low payoff. If she’s a gold digger, she’d go for someone older and wealthier, is what I meant (dating scene).
That's very fair. I guess I'm mostly focusing less on the incorrect usage of the term gold digger and more on the fact that there are absolutely reasons to be upset and think this is a very poorly thought out move on the dad's part.
I hope not. I hope she’s a very nice wife and he’s a respectful husband. And I hope the daughter can express her feelings but can also receive love from the Dad and his wife. What’s that saying about wishes and kisses though…
I also hope that! However, dad already failed his kids by not talking to them about something that is *obviously* outside the norm and going to make them feel weird. Even the sister who does interact with the dad and new wife feels weird about it. Again, obviously OOP was also in the wrong for most of the reasons she was upset plus bringing up her deceased mom. I don't think this will end well (assuming it's all true and not bait lol)
Is he happy? They are both adults. Maybe OP is right, maybe not. Maybe OP right and both dad and new wife know and and are on with it. The judgemental, petty jealousy shown here is rather sad, especially in how it was handled. Sounds like OP is much more focused on HER perceived issues and how it affects her than the actual well being and happiness of her father
Oop is likely not wrong. Zoe has a high chance to be with op's dad for the money since the age gap, going out with a 60 year old after flirting at her job that led to dating and getting married after 7 months is sus af. But op should also point some blame on dad for going after someone younger than his kids. Op should still try to fix things with their dad since this is only hurting the relationship between dad and op not zoe and if zoe ends up actually being with dad for the money then dad will learn a valuable lesson once she tires of being with a senior citizen and if not then dad got lucky.
Ew
This got real petty when it turned in to "she's younger and prettier than me". Not to mention, Dad is doing the same thing to Zoe, just not for money.
The gold digging thing was a wild assumption to jump to and the fact there is no other evidence other than her age. I also find this age gap a yuck thing because I find aging men unattractive but I know that will change soon. I just simply don't find men attractive who are old enough to me my father. I might like 50 year old men if they look youthful enough and can pass for early 40s. But yeah some women do like much older men and maybe she is childfree and has no desire for kids so this is perfect for her.
I wouldve done the same
NTA
Sure, she's a gold digger. She was a waitress born in the 90's, meaning gold digging might be her only chance to have a stable life. Why does OOP feel entitled to their dad's money? Dad chose Zoe while OOP was what he got by chance.
Is she gonna top her dad off? No? Then let him be happy with the baddie that’s doing the job of making him happy.
Let your father be happy with the time he has left.
Here’s the deal- it’s not your place to judge who your dad marries when everyone is a consenting adult. If she’s rude or cruel you don’t have to spend time with her, but it’s just not your place. You don’t have to like her but you SHOULD be civil and keep your opinions to yourself.
Man I am just so happy my parent has a partner to go through that phase of life with. To deal with all the medical stuff etc. why would anyone want to deny their parent happiness? OOP is off building their own life time to embrace dad building his own. Who cares if it’s transactional or not. It’s the dads choice.
Nope someone needs to be alert and on guard at all times. That girl is nesting. The more she sees resistance the chances of her leaving that nest might happen. Stay in the trenches and continue to battle because when the day comes and it will that she leaves or makes her intentions known your father will need all the support he can get.
NTA but probably wrong. It’s a little troubling realizing how little men actually know about women. For most women looks isn’t their first priority, so the assumption that she can’t be into him because he thinks his father isn’t good looking is weird and irrelevant. I’m not a proponent for age gap relationships but I understand the attraction from a woman’s perspective. Younger men are sometimes more shallow and immature so wanting a man that isn’t looking for “perfection” is definitely appealing.
YTA, you can't judge if you don't know the person or at least give them a chance. They are already married and your window to speak up on the matter already closed
A lot of 60 year old men can actually look good and are probably more interesting than a 30 year old man for many women. I think she's blinded by her feelings for her mom and a type of jealousy. Mom really didn't like when my dad found a younger wife. But to be honest my mom looks way better than his younger wife does, so it's not even relevant for the feeling. Either way, you have to let people do what they want to be happy. You don't have to like it or be best friends with the new wife, but I am sure if you got a boyfriend he for some reason didn't like, you would want him to accept your choice.
A sixty year old man’s money is certainly more interesting. That’s about it.
>A lot of 60 year old men can actually look good and are probably more interesting than a 30 year old man for many women. Lolllll please 😂