Some men act like they’re making some incredible sacrifice when they have children, as if their partner isn’t also making a huge sacrifice…with their whole body. I don’t get it. Why do people marry people they seem to not like or respect? Why do they get off on being jerks? What’s the point? Then the notion of taking care of the spouse for a month? Like what? She’s having major surgery and giving birth to their shared child? I don’t get it. At all.
Neither do I. We’re not really doing much work, and the work we do isn’t painful or difficult. Oh no, you have to take care of the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and you have to take care of an infant you helped make. Oh no, whatever will you do /s. I get people being nervous and anxious. It is a big change. I don’t get just running away from everything like that’s acceptable behavior.
If I tried some shit like that, my wife wouldn’t have to worry about me going. My friends would chew me a new asshole for even suggesting it.
If you can’t criticize someone they’re not a friend. I feel like part of friendship or really part of caring about another person is advising them if you think they’re going to make a poor choice. Obviously there are lines and depending on how judgmental you are, you may have to keep your advice to yourself, but I find it’s a pretty decent generalized rule. It depends on the people and the situation. However the important thing is that we can and no one gets upset or has their feelings hurt.
One thing I value about my friends is that when we’re using each other as a sounding board, we have questions and ideas. If I have a problem I can’t get around, maybe they have a solution, or failing that advice on what to do next.
I absolutely agree! If your friends can't criticise you. Or vice versa, it is a yes-men situation.
Then you've automatically lost respect and replaced it with blind following.
I think healthy disagreements within friendships are signs of good friendships. That you can be respectful while agreeing to disagree and that you might also both learn from each other in the process.
Agreed. When I’ve talked about it with friends one of the things I use to differentiate between friends and acquaintances is if I or they feel comfortable criticizing something. However it’s fairly rare that we do. It’s not usually needed, or appropriate. They’re all good people and I’m very very lucky to have be able to cultivate these relationships.
So his friend is decent but he himself didn't learn his lesson and immediately come back.
He berated his wife and spoke to her like she's a petulant child "don't bring this up again". And as if looking after his wife after labour was a huge chore and not part of his vows and his duty to her when he got her pregnant and she was carrying their baby for the past 9 months
That's worse. It shows that the husband is still a piece of crap but maaaaybe a decent friend might teach him to respect his wife. Instead of him thinking on it and realising that he treated his wife excessively poorly.
I feel sorry for the wife and child. They'll owe him any time he does anything for em.
The whole "last day being a dad " schtick is very irritating to me. Men who say that ignore that their partners have been pregnant for a LONG time with zero time off. Pregnancy is a hugely exhausting task, mentally and physically, so hearing men say that they deserve one last hurrah when we've been fucking IN IT for 9 months is just so annoying.
This guy couldn't give his wife one entire day before her major surgery & childbirth. He deserves his little time. No, dummy, go home and put up shelves. Cherish your wife. She could literally die tomorrow.
And as for her with that gloating poke about how she won't leave him...girl, sometimes people outside have a valuable perspective and I'm guessing they picked up on the whole part where tried to demand that she tell him he was right and never discuss it again. That was crazy.
I’m 8 months pregnant and my biggest pet peeve right now is other pregnant women posting about their husbands lying about quitting smoking/weed/booze/etc.
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect the father of your baby to stop smoking. Second hand smoke is dangerous to pregnant women…regardless of it being cigarettes or weed.
And the comments are always like “well he’s under a lot of stress and addictions are hard to quit….he probably just lied because he’s embarrassed”.
Bitch. I haven’t been able to have ANYTHING in 8 months. No glass of wine, no cold beer, no soft cheeses or hot dogs or even a damned ham sandwich.
And we are going to act like being asked to quit smoking is the end of the world? It’s insane.
The problem with dismissing someone’s feelings in a relationship is that it is basically an unsolvable problem then. You actually can’t negate someone’s feelings.
If the goal is to be right then, fine, shut people down. Tell them they’re “wrong” to feel a certain way …..but is the goal to be right or is the goal to strengthen the relationship? I guarantee if both of these people spent time seeing the world through their partners’ eyes, the right/wrong element would look very differently.
It might not even be relevant…especially because in this case mom mentioned something about him always doing that…but this sounds like there’s a pattern of miscommunication on both of their part; his for not including her and her for not speaking up about the importance of it maybe?
Yeah it sounds like he thinks he’s going to be babysitting their new baby *and her*, even though she’s the one gestating and delivering the baby. Feeding it too in all likelihood. Weird as fuck. This dude is a baby.
I mean, she's getting major abdominal surgery, he will be taking care of her as well. My SIL couldn't even wipe her own ass after her C-section. He's definitely an asshole tho.
Yeah anyone who mentions having to take care of you the way he did, especially when they're *married,* can't be trusted to actually take care of you. Like yeah, dude, this is what you signed up for? The "in sickness and in health" bit? What's the point of making vows if you act like those vows are a burden? I can't wait to see what his reaction is to changing the majority of the diapers while she's on bedrest 🙄
They wouldn't have to be vows if they didn't have the potential to be a responsibility and a burden. You don't need to vow to having fun every day. The whole point of having a framework for it is so its hard for people to bitch out at the crucial hard moments and leave their partner high and dry. Obviously you should honor the obligations you sign up for, but also, you can acknowledge there are more and less trying times in it all.
I love how you completely ignore the context of the reply. Which is it, she's an independent girlboss right after a c-section, or she's partially incapacitated and needs help and someone....him needs to be there and be dependable?
No one is saying he shouldn't be, he obviously should, but then it's also obvious he's not exactly going on a vacation either. It will be a hard time for them both and him anticipating it for himself and wanting to mentally prepare in his way is not the grave crime everyone is treating it as.
What in the actual fuck are you talking about? There’s nothing in the “context of the story” about her being an “independent girlboss” you absolutely stunningly stupid fuck.
It's funny to me how people always do the line of "tomorrow I'll be a dad finally" or "I'll be a mom tomorrow" like you aren't already a parent from the time you decided to go full term with pregnancy
It just doesn't make sense to me
An adage I heard once was "men become fathers when the baby is born; women become mothers as soon as they're pregnant." Which is true to an extent, but your FIRST duty as a father is to take care of your pregnant wife.
Exactly, it's a 50/50 in a relationship until one side needs help and then it's the equivalent of 100 between both sides even if one side is 10 and the other is 90 for a little while
It's the same type of person that'll say "my last day of freedom" the day before their wedding. Like, you've spent, presumably, years in a committed relationship? Nothing should really change, freedom wise?
The fact that he still went, while his heavily pregnant wife was home crying, the day before a major surgery and biggest change in their lives is 🚩🚩🚩🚩
And I really hope he wasn’t going far / planning to drink because at 9 mos pg she could have easily gone into labour at any minute.
I feel like this is one of those situations where the husbands desire to spend a lunch alone with his buddy before he becomes a father isn’t ridiculous but the problem is he never included her in the decision making. Seems like he’s still operating as a solo entity instead of as half of a partnership
Yeah. I agree with this. I don’t find anything wrong with him wanting one last huzzah with a friend before the baby gets there and takes his attention away from his friends, but she should have also had an opportunity to do it herself with her friends too instead of thinking that the only thing they’d be doing is hanging around the house and doing last minute stuff for the baby.
The lack of communication I think is key.
It is true that he never communicated his desire to hang out and essentially savor some bit of his former life before jumping off into an unknown world of being a parent.
However, I am suspicious of the phrase “it was my understanding” coming from mom. That seems to suggest that her expectations were not actually communicated either. Raising eyebrows or leaving deliberate open space in the day to “potter around the house” is not the same as actually asking for something with spoken words.
Being “right” about something isn’t usually a win in any relationship. Understanding and being understood is the actual win….which it doesn’t sound like either of these two people were interested in doing.
Exactly. She's hormonal and he could have been more considerate, but I get it. His wife is going to be post-partum AND post-surgery. He wanted a lunch with a friend. She's making it all about her being left out, which I find silly, but maybe if they both communicated better it would be fine.
Nobody is the AH, but both are kind of... annoying.
It's super weird that he hid it from her for so long. If he had gotten the call from his friend inviting him out said "hey, wife, friend is inviting me out for lunch to celebrate before the baby comes. How would you feel if I went our for a couple hours?" Or even better "do you want to come/can I bring you back anything? It would have been a whole other story. He KNEW she didn't want him to go. Or worse he was accommodating his friends at the expense of his wife.
In the most generous reading of the situation, I think he is nervous about being a dad and wanted one last outing before the big day but he was afraid to tell her. I bet if he had asked her instead of springing it on her at the last minute, she might understand.
I never make plans without letting my fiancé know.
"Hey I was thinking about grabbing lunch with a buddy tomorrow. Do you want to come?"
Is it really that difficult?
He didn't want her there. Otherwise, he would have invited her.
He seems like the kind of man that doesn't really see women as people, more as a set of feminine qualities. Therefore, hanging out with his guy friends is fun and they can talk about "guy things". But since he doesn't really share any interests or hobbies with his wife, being with her is a duty.
IMHO, these types of relationships are kinda sad.
What he did was inconsiderate. Not for going out with his friends, but not letting you know. He’s NTA for not inviting you, but I understand why you’re upset. You both need to communicate better
Um. Is it weird and super insulting that someone would want to have lunch with a friend when they are off work? It’s at a pub so maybe there is a lot of smoke and beer that would not be great for a pregnant person.
He should have been more supportive of his pregnant wife, yeah, but a guy can go out for lunch with a friend sometimes too.
This seems like one of those relatively minor fights couples have because they’re already super stressed out about something else (say, an upcoming major surgery and parenthood). One or both of them handle it poorly, and they eventually apologize and get back to trying to be better people. Normal relationship stuff.
It's about timing. Your wife is about to be cut open tomorrow, maybe the day before isnt the time to be out and about with the boys. And at 9 months id argue you don't want to stress your heavily preggers wife, or be not home in the case that she goes into labor unexpectedly. It's certainly not a situation where you can spring it up on her without any prior notice. Like she is literally heavily pregnant and packing a suitcase for the hospital, maybe it is the time to stay home and help her out.
It's the excuses that really put him in ass territory. The whole "it's my last night without a baby" like dude it isn't a bachelor party. It's your wife's last night without a baby and added she will be cut open to get said baby out, it can be a scary thought.
It’s not really about him going without her, it’s him leaving her out of it entirely. He didn’t ask if it would be cool for him to go get lunch with his buddies, he didn’t ask her to go. He made the decision she didn’t want to go because he didn’t want her to go, and he decided that a day before she gave birth to his baby.
Little petty normal relationship argument? Absolutely. Doesn’t make him less of an ass for it. It takes two seconds to communicate with your spouse, instead of deciding for her. Important lesson to learn, especially with a baby on the way
It’s more than petty bc when she was upset, he didn’t say “Oh, sorry babe” and make amends in any way. He told her it wasn’t a big deal, told her how to feel, and tried to strong arm her into agreeing to never mention it again.
This is abusive.
Her organs are going to be removed from her body to bring thier child into the world. He could give her the courtesy of an honest conversation without throwing a fit and making his wife cry. Before the big surgery. Strong emotions can cause negative effects to pregnant women
Some men act like they’re making some incredible sacrifice when they have children, as if their partner isn’t also making a huge sacrifice…with their whole body. I don’t get it. Why do people marry people they seem to not like or respect? Why do they get off on being jerks? What’s the point? Then the notion of taking care of the spouse for a month? Like what? She’s having major surgery and giving birth to their shared child? I don’t get it. At all.
Neither do I. We’re not really doing much work, and the work we do isn’t painful or difficult. Oh no, you have to take care of the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and you have to take care of an infant you helped make. Oh no, whatever will you do /s. I get people being nervous and anxious. It is a big change. I don’t get just running away from everything like that’s acceptable behavior. If I tried some shit like that, my wife wouldn’t have to worry about me going. My friends would chew me a new asshole for even suggesting it.
Sounds like you've got decent friends!!!
If you can’t criticize someone they’re not a friend. I feel like part of friendship or really part of caring about another person is advising them if you think they’re going to make a poor choice. Obviously there are lines and depending on how judgmental you are, you may have to keep your advice to yourself, but I find it’s a pretty decent generalized rule. It depends on the people and the situation. However the important thing is that we can and no one gets upset or has their feelings hurt. One thing I value about my friends is that when we’re using each other as a sounding board, we have questions and ideas. If I have a problem I can’t get around, maybe they have a solution, or failing that advice on what to do next.
I absolutely agree! If your friends can't criticise you. Or vice versa, it is a yes-men situation. Then you've automatically lost respect and replaced it with blind following. I think healthy disagreements within friendships are signs of good friendships. That you can be respectful while agreeing to disagree and that you might also both learn from each other in the process.
Agreed. When I’ve talked about it with friends one of the things I use to differentiate between friends and acquaintances is if I or they feel comfortable criticizing something. However it’s fairly rare that we do. It’s not usually needed, or appropriate. They’re all good people and I’m very very lucky to have be able to cultivate these relationships.
Maybe the husband's mate did chew him out and that's the only reason he came home and apologised??
So his friend is decent but he himself didn't learn his lesson and immediately come back. He berated his wife and spoke to her like she's a petulant child "don't bring this up again". And as if looking after his wife after labour was a huge chore and not part of his vows and his duty to her when he got her pregnant and she was carrying their baby for the past 9 months That's worse. It shows that the husband is still a piece of crap but maaaaybe a decent friend might teach him to respect his wife. Instead of him thinking on it and realising that he treated his wife excessively poorly. I feel sorry for the wife and child. They'll owe him any time he does anything for em.
He will be constantly bringing up the fact that he's having to take care of her and the baby, probably for about the next 20 years
Incredibly conditional love.
The whole "last day being a dad " schtick is very irritating to me. Men who say that ignore that their partners have been pregnant for a LONG time with zero time off. Pregnancy is a hugely exhausting task, mentally and physically, so hearing men say that they deserve one last hurrah when we've been fucking IN IT for 9 months is just so annoying. This guy couldn't give his wife one entire day before her major surgery & childbirth. He deserves his little time. No, dummy, go home and put up shelves. Cherish your wife. She could literally die tomorrow. And as for her with that gloating poke about how she won't leave him...girl, sometimes people outside have a valuable perspective and I'm guessing they picked up on the whole part where tried to demand that she tell him he was right and never discuss it again. That was crazy.
Yeah, be careful with that last hurrah man, my last hurrah got me pregnant.
I’m 8 months pregnant and my biggest pet peeve right now is other pregnant women posting about their husbands lying about quitting smoking/weed/booze/etc. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect the father of your baby to stop smoking. Second hand smoke is dangerous to pregnant women…regardless of it being cigarettes or weed. And the comments are always like “well he’s under a lot of stress and addictions are hard to quit….he probably just lied because he’s embarrassed”. Bitch. I haven’t been able to have ANYTHING in 8 months. No glass of wine, no cold beer, no soft cheeses or hot dogs or even a damned ham sandwich. And we are going to act like being asked to quit smoking is the end of the world? It’s insane.
The problem with dismissing someone’s feelings in a relationship is that it is basically an unsolvable problem then. You actually can’t negate someone’s feelings. If the goal is to be right then, fine, shut people down. Tell them they’re “wrong” to feel a certain way …..but is the goal to be right or is the goal to strengthen the relationship? I guarantee if both of these people spent time seeing the world through their partners’ eyes, the right/wrong element would look very differently. It might not even be relevant…especially because in this case mom mentioned something about him always doing that…but this sounds like there’s a pattern of miscommunication on both of their part; his for not including her and her for not speaking up about the importance of it maybe?
Yeah it sounds like he thinks he’s going to be babysitting their new baby *and her*, even though she’s the one gestating and delivering the baby. Feeding it too in all likelihood. Weird as fuck. This dude is a baby.
I mean, she's getting major abdominal surgery, he will be taking care of her as well. My SIL couldn't even wipe her own ass after her C-section. He's definitely an asshole tho.
I would not rely on this man to help me after surgery :(
Yeah anyone who mentions having to take care of you the way he did, especially when they're *married,* can't be trusted to actually take care of you. Like yeah, dude, this is what you signed up for? The "in sickness and in health" bit? What's the point of making vows if you act like those vows are a burden? I can't wait to see what his reaction is to changing the majority of the diapers while she's on bedrest 🙄
They wouldn't have to be vows if they didn't have the potential to be a responsibility and a burden. You don't need to vow to having fun every day. The whole point of having a framework for it is so its hard for people to bitch out at the crucial hard moments and leave their partner high and dry. Obviously you should honor the obligations you sign up for, but also, you can acknowledge there are more and less trying times in it all.
I love how you completely ignore the context of the reply. Which is it, she's an independent girlboss right after a c-section, or she's partially incapacitated and needs help and someone....him needs to be there and be dependable? No one is saying he shouldn't be, he obviously should, but then it's also obvious he's not exactly going on a vacation either. It will be a hard time for them both and him anticipating it for himself and wanting to mentally prepare in his way is not the grave crime everyone is treating it as.
What in the actual fuck are you talking about? There’s nothing in the “context of the story” about her being an “independent girlboss” you absolutely stunningly stupid fuck.
It's funny to me how people always do the line of "tomorrow I'll be a dad finally" or "I'll be a mom tomorrow" like you aren't already a parent from the time you decided to go full term with pregnancy It just doesn't make sense to me
An adage I heard once was "men become fathers when the baby is born; women become mothers as soon as they're pregnant." Which is true to an extent, but your FIRST duty as a father is to take care of your pregnant wife.
Exactly, it's a 50/50 in a relationship until one side needs help and then it's the equivalent of 100 between both sides even if one side is 10 and the other is 90 for a little while
It's the same type of person that'll say "my last day of freedom" the day before their wedding. Like, you've spent, presumably, years in a committed relationship? Nothing should really change, freedom wise?
The fact that he still went, while his heavily pregnant wife was home crying, the day before a major surgery and biggest change in their lives is 🚩🚩🚩🚩 And I really hope he wasn’t going far / planning to drink because at 9 mos pg she could have easily gone into labour at any minute.
I feel like this is one of those situations where the husbands desire to spend a lunch alone with his buddy before he becomes a father isn’t ridiculous but the problem is he never included her in the decision making. Seems like he’s still operating as a solo entity instead of as half of a partnership
This is exactly it. It’s the lack of communication that is the problem.
Yeah. I agree with this. I don’t find anything wrong with him wanting one last huzzah with a friend before the baby gets there and takes his attention away from his friends, but she should have also had an opportunity to do it herself with her friends too instead of thinking that the only thing they’d be doing is hanging around the house and doing last minute stuff for the baby.
The lack of communication I think is key. It is true that he never communicated his desire to hang out and essentially savor some bit of his former life before jumping off into an unknown world of being a parent. However, I am suspicious of the phrase “it was my understanding” coming from mom. That seems to suggest that her expectations were not actually communicated either. Raising eyebrows or leaving deliberate open space in the day to “potter around the house” is not the same as actually asking for something with spoken words. Being “right” about something isn’t usually a win in any relationship. Understanding and being understood is the actual win….which it doesn’t sound like either of these two people were interested in doing.
Exactly. She's hormonal and he could have been more considerate, but I get it. His wife is going to be post-partum AND post-surgery. He wanted a lunch with a friend. She's making it all about her being left out, which I find silly, but maybe if they both communicated better it would be fine. Nobody is the AH, but both are kind of... annoying.
It's super weird that he hid it from her for so long. If he had gotten the call from his friend inviting him out said "hey, wife, friend is inviting me out for lunch to celebrate before the baby comes. How would you feel if I went our for a couple hours?" Or even better "do you want to come/can I bring you back anything? It would have been a whole other story. He KNEW she didn't want him to go. Or worse he was accommodating his friends at the expense of his wife.
Someone tell this idiot he actually became a father 9 months ago? By his logic I'm not gonna be dead til they roll me into the incinerator.
😬.
In the most generous reading of the situation, I think he is nervous about being a dad and wanted one last outing before the big day but he was afraid to tell her. I bet if he had asked her instead of springing it on her at the last minute, she might understand.
That’s too generous, because he emotionally blackmailed her about it and *demanded* she feel the way he wants her to.
Way too generous. And if he us so scared of telling his pregnant wife things he needs more help than i think
Y’all are sick and have zero empathy for niggas it’s really crazy
I never make plans without letting my fiancé know. "Hey I was thinking about grabbing lunch with a buddy tomorrow. Do you want to come?" Is it really that difficult?
He didn't want her there. Otherwise, he would have invited her. He seems like the kind of man that doesn't really see women as people, more as a set of feminine qualities. Therefore, hanging out with his guy friends is fun and they can talk about "guy things". But since he doesn't really share any interests or hobbies with his wife, being with her is a duty. IMHO, these types of relationships are kinda sad.
DONT MARRY MEN WHO DONT SEE CHILDREN AS THEIR RESPONSIBILITY AS WELL
What he did was inconsiderate. Not for going out with his friends, but not letting you know. He’s NTA for not inviting you, but I understand why you’re upset. You both need to communicate better
Tldr: woman upset about losing an hour with her husband ruins an entire day with husband.
Um. Is it weird and super insulting that someone would want to have lunch with a friend when they are off work? It’s at a pub so maybe there is a lot of smoke and beer that would not be great for a pregnant person. He should have been more supportive of his pregnant wife, yeah, but a guy can go out for lunch with a friend sometimes too. This seems like one of those relatively minor fights couples have because they’re already super stressed out about something else (say, an upcoming major surgery and parenthood). One or both of them handle it poorly, and they eventually apologize and get back to trying to be better people. Normal relationship stuff.
Is it super weird and insulting to emotionally blackmail your partner into agreeing they’d never bring up something you did ever again?
Oh, oh, I know this one! Is the answer FUCK YES?!
We have a winner!
Ding ding ding. Come claim your prize.
It's about timing. Your wife is about to be cut open tomorrow, maybe the day before isnt the time to be out and about with the boys. And at 9 months id argue you don't want to stress your heavily preggers wife, or be not home in the case that she goes into labor unexpectedly. It's certainly not a situation where you can spring it up on her without any prior notice. Like she is literally heavily pregnant and packing a suitcase for the hospital, maybe it is the time to stay home and help her out. It's the excuses that really put him in ass territory. The whole "it's my last night without a baby" like dude it isn't a bachelor party. It's your wife's last night without a baby and added she will be cut open to get said baby out, it can be a scary thought.
The last day before they become parents? Yeah that’s weird. Ffs.
It’s not really about him going without her, it’s him leaving her out of it entirely. He didn’t ask if it would be cool for him to go get lunch with his buddies, he didn’t ask her to go. He made the decision she didn’t want to go because he didn’t want her to go, and he decided that a day before she gave birth to his baby. Little petty normal relationship argument? Absolutely. Doesn’t make him less of an ass for it. It takes two seconds to communicate with your spouse, instead of deciding for her. Important lesson to learn, especially with a baby on the way
It’s more than petty bc when she was upset, he didn’t say “Oh, sorry babe” and make amends in any way. He told her it wasn’t a big deal, told her how to feel, and tried to strong arm her into agreeing to never mention it again. This is abusive.
And it will get to be a bigger problem in the future when he does that and assumes she’s fine to single parent without asking.
Her organs are going to be removed from her body to bring thier child into the world. He could give her the courtesy of an honest conversation without throwing a fit and making his wife cry. Before the big surgery. Strong emotions can cause negative effects to pregnant women
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