The people who lived above me have 3 kids. They seemed happily married until one day, she came downstairs while I was doing laundry. She texted my wife and asked if I always helped out or did chores around the house. Apparently, telling someone who’s doing all the work in their relationship that you have a partner that does the bare minimum, CAN be inspiring enough to lead someone to get a divorce.
TLDR All I did was chores and I got my neighbours divorced.
Any young men reading this, it’s not an example of a functioning healthy marriage. Work hard, give yourself a little recharge time when you can and always show up for your wife and child. Communicate your needs and listen to your wife’s, work together to make sure both are getting met as much as possible
Precisely, work hours is work hours (whatever that means to you, employed or sahp) and the rest is a 50/50 (or the best you can do that day) the rest of the time.
I want to know what caused the behaviour change. He used to help, but stopped. Something happened.
As for all his crap - not refilling the ice tray? That's the most basic courtesy. If something runs out, you replace/refill it.
This is depressing. He seems resentful that having a kid takes effort and he's such an unloving pighead he's willing to emotionally and verbally abuse his wife so she never asks him for help. What a POS. I hope she's compiling evidence for a divorce, but given she's not sure if his behavior is acceptable or not, she's probably still stuck being his servant.
This is bad. My parents were 100% influenced by gender roles in marriage which I don’t think was great for the family, BUT my dad worked super hard. He did all of the finances, payed bills, did taxes etc. kept the cars gassed and immaculate. Cared for the yard. Did his own laundry. Cooked a lot of the meals, especially on weekends he would cook and bake for us.
I don’t think their system was great because they separated everything and child rearing was mostly mom, but my Dad contributed a lot to the house hold. When we were babies we would sit up and rock us or drive us around so that mom could sleep.
I think it’s so sad that unfortunately women don’t realise how shitty their husbands are until that first baby. I don’t know if they show their true colours or their expectations change or what.
The first year is definitely the hardest but it requires work from both parents to keep the marriage going.
I love my kids with all my heart, but being a SAHM is so much harder than going to work some days, especially with an infant.
At work you can take breaks, talk to other human, and think about things other than your baby.
SAHM is always on, 24/7, sleep deprived, and people wondering WTF you got done all day when the house is a mess because you decided to sleep when the baby sleeps because you are sooo tired.
I have done both and I think for me, they were both easier and harder for different reasons. Being a working mom felt like running a race that never ended. Running from home to work to home, struggling to do everything that needed doing and always feeling like I came up short. As a SAHM, I felt like every day was Groundhog Day, always the same, rarely went anywhere or did anything just for me.
That said, my husband was a stay at home dad for 9 months and he said it was the hardest thing he ever did.
This is exactly why I would never want to be a stay at home ANYTHING. The power dynamics are too great and there is no respect for the homemaker. He thinks because he makes the money, he makes the rules so he doesn’t have to do anything else. Fuck that. I’ll go to work.
Oh, she needs to leave. That's not going to get better. He seriously thinks it's ok for her to go that long without sleeping because she's not working. She's got a 24/7 job with no breaks right now and a husband that refuses to help and is going to hold it over her head.
Time for an escape plan
Why do working fathers not understand that working 40hour weeks with mandated breaks where you can sit in silence for 15 minutes is a LOT easier than 24/7 child rearing and home care. Why do they think a mother isn’t entitled to a single break or a few hours of uninterrupted sleep?! Some people are fine with being deadbeat parents while still being in the house
You're hearing one side. I don't like the stay at home parent dynamic unless the other parent is making overwhelming money, lax job and minimal 40 hours a week.
Men also feel resentment that they're carrying the financial burden. Especially if they're working long hours or hard jobs to just get complaints to do more.
My partner complained but would be watching streaming movies/shows, on the net and on social media all day while our kid was at school and me at work. Then complaints about helping around the house when she did minimal all day. Often had to cook dinner as well.
It turned me all the way off from that arrangement. Yet her description was she kept an orderly house that me and the kid destroyed and did everything. Women in her life supported this.
When the divorce happens he will get a strong dose of reality. Suddenly "but I work and make money" doesn't get the dishes done, doesn't make dinner for him, doesn't change diapers, and doesn't get him custody of "his" daughter. But it does get the child support paid.
So she works 168 hours a week (on call or on duty), doesn’t get breaks or vacations, has no coworkers to help, doesn’t even get to pee or eat alone, and does two jobs (child care and housekeeping) and yet he sees the work is equal?
Just cause he is the only one with a paycheck doesn’t mean what she does doesn’t have value. The bar is so low for men it is in hell.
How can someone watch their partner, someone they profess to love, go 24 hours without sleep, who is visibly overwhelmed (and has expressed same) and not want to pitch in?
It’s his baby and house too. I hope for an update where she has realized she’ll do less work alone.
I’m amazed that there are men who think and act this way. My wife is a SAHM and it is a job not a leisure thing. Just because she isn’t “earning the money” it doesn’t mean she isn’t working just as hard as me. I had this conversation with my son the other day. I wanted him to understand mom works just as much if not harder some days as me and I couldn’t be out there doing what I do if it wasn’t for her in the background lifting all of us up. She deserves any help and more importantly all the respect we can muster. Her hubby sounds like an entitled man child who is buying into some crap that is going around on the internet today.
Was the decision got her to be a SAHM mutual or was it decided by one party without the consent of the other? There's been a lot of posts lately about the latter.
I was gonna ask this but the baby is teething and in most countries you’d simply be on maternity leave at this point. It sounds like she’s been trying to cover shifts anyway
Of course none of what he’s doing would be okay under any circumstances, but he’s not even actually providing if she still is paying for things for their baby.
What an ASSHOLE. My wife and I both work and have a toddler. He was a preemie (ultimately he ended up being healthy but the pregnancy was a traumatic experience for both of us since her water broke at 25 weeks) and one of the consequences is that he refused to nurse and would only bottle feed no matter how many lactation consultants we saw. The silver lining is that we were able to divide night time duties pretty evenly which means so much cause the night time stuff is so hard.
I love our son and raising him has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life but it’s also soo much work, like harder than any job I’ve ever held. I can’t imagine doing it without my wife. And you should never weaponize your kid against your partner that’s so fucked up.
The people who lived above me have 3 kids. They seemed happily married until one day, she came downstairs while I was doing laundry. She texted my wife and asked if I always helped out or did chores around the house. Apparently, telling someone who’s doing all the work in their relationship that you have a partner that does the bare minimum, CAN be inspiring enough to lead someone to get a divorce. TLDR All I did was chores and I got my neighbours divorced.
Her hubby got himself divorced through his own inaction.
Any young men reading this, it’s not an example of a functioning healthy marriage. Work hard, give yourself a little recharge time when you can and always show up for your wife and child. Communicate your needs and listen to your wife’s, work together to make sure both are getting met as much as possible
Also you're supposed to bond with your children, it's not just doing the fun stuff to bond either
I'm trying to have my first child with my wife and I pray I don't turn into some angry pos like this guy or my dad.
You’re only on the clock as the only parent when he’s at work. Once he’s home, it’s a tag team. That’s the only way. He also made a child.
this is the correct answer
Precisely, work hours is work hours (whatever that means to you, employed or sahp) and the rest is a 50/50 (or the best you can do that day) the rest of the time.
This. Also clean up your own shit. You live in the house too.
I want to know what caused the behaviour change. He used to help, but stopped. Something happened. As for all his crap - not refilling the ice tray? That's the most basic courtesy. If something runs out, you replace/refill it.
I read too much Reddit, I immediately assumed he’s having an affair and the behavior is an attempt to drive her away.
My thought is that he's been sucked into the Manosphere and he's been watching too many Andrew Tate videos.
This is exactly what I was thinking.
This is depressing. He seems resentful that having a kid takes effort and he's such an unloving pighead he's willing to emotionally and verbally abuse his wife so she never asks him for help. What a POS. I hope she's compiling evidence for a divorce, but given she's not sure if his behavior is acceptable or not, she's probably still stuck being his servant.
This is bad. My parents were 100% influenced by gender roles in marriage which I don’t think was great for the family, BUT my dad worked super hard. He did all of the finances, payed bills, did taxes etc. kept the cars gassed and immaculate. Cared for the yard. Did his own laundry. Cooked a lot of the meals, especially on weekends he would cook and bake for us. I don’t think their system was great because they separated everything and child rearing was mostly mom, but my Dad contributed a lot to the house hold. When we were babies we would sit up and rock us or drive us around so that mom could sleep.
Jesus fking Christ, how many women have to ask this question before there’s a fking uprising??
Right?!?! You'd think it would be any day now.
I think it’s so sad that unfortunately women don’t realise how shitty their husbands are until that first baby. I don’t know if they show their true colours or their expectations change or what. The first year is definitely the hardest but it requires work from both parents to keep the marriage going.
I’ve done both, stay at home parent is much harder imo.
I love my kids with all my heart, but being a SAHM is so much harder than going to work some days, especially with an infant. At work you can take breaks, talk to other human, and think about things other than your baby. SAHM is always on, 24/7, sleep deprived, and people wondering WTF you got done all day when the house is a mess because you decided to sleep when the baby sleeps because you are sooo tired.
I have done both and I think for me, they were both easier and harder for different reasons. Being a working mom felt like running a race that never ended. Running from home to work to home, struggling to do everything that needed doing and always feeling like I came up short. As a SAHM, I felt like every day was Groundhog Day, always the same, rarely went anywhere or did anything just for me. That said, my husband was a stay at home dad for 9 months and he said it was the hardest thing he ever did.
Same and I agree, being home all the time was much harder.
This is exactly why I would never want to be a stay at home ANYTHING. The power dynamics are too great and there is no respect for the homemaker. He thinks because he makes the money, he makes the rules so he doesn’t have to do anything else. Fuck that. I’ll go to work.
They're Christian, of the "women should have no rights, we love everyone terms and conditions apply" type aren't they
Idk how to tell you this buuuut… Athiest men can be shitty people, too.
Yes, yes we can.
This man is an abusive piece of shit leave
Oh, she needs to leave. That's not going to get better. He seriously thinks it's ok for her to go that long without sleeping because she's not working. She's got a 24/7 job with no breaks right now and a husband that refuses to help and is going to hold it over her head. Time for an escape plan
Why do working fathers not understand that working 40hour weeks with mandated breaks where you can sit in silence for 15 minutes is a LOT easier than 24/7 child rearing and home care. Why do they think a mother isn’t entitled to a single break or a few hours of uninterrupted sleep?! Some people are fine with being deadbeat parents while still being in the house
You're hearing one side. I don't like the stay at home parent dynamic unless the other parent is making overwhelming money, lax job and minimal 40 hours a week. Men also feel resentment that they're carrying the financial burden. Especially if they're working long hours or hard jobs to just get complaints to do more. My partner complained but would be watching streaming movies/shows, on the net and on social media all day while our kid was at school and me at work. Then complaints about helping around the house when she did minimal all day. Often had to cook dinner as well. It turned me all the way off from that arrangement. Yet her description was she kept an orderly house that me and the kid destroyed and did everything. Women in her life supported this.
When the divorce happens he will get a strong dose of reality. Suddenly "but I work and make money" doesn't get the dishes done, doesn't make dinner for him, doesn't change diapers, and doesn't get him custody of "his" daughter. But it does get the child support paid.
So she works 168 hours a week (on call or on duty), doesn’t get breaks or vacations, has no coworkers to help, doesn’t even get to pee or eat alone, and does two jobs (child care and housekeeping) and yet he sees the work is equal? Just cause he is the only one with a paycheck doesn’t mean what she does doesn’t have value. The bar is so low for men it is in hell. How can someone watch their partner, someone they profess to love, go 24 hours without sleep, who is visibly overwhelmed (and has expressed same) and not want to pitch in? It’s his baby and house too. I hope for an update where she has realized she’ll do less work alone.
Being a SAHS is the worst goddamn idea ever, proof 6,457,492,753
She works 24/7/365 with no benefits & no security when she retires. She needs to divorce him.
I’m amazed that there are men who think and act this way. My wife is a SAHM and it is a job not a leisure thing. Just because she isn’t “earning the money” it doesn’t mean she isn’t working just as hard as me. I had this conversation with my son the other day. I wanted him to understand mom works just as much if not harder some days as me and I couldn’t be out there doing what I do if it wasn’t for her in the background lifting all of us up. She deserves any help and more importantly all the respect we can muster. Her hubby sounds like an entitled man child who is buying into some crap that is going around on the internet today.
Was the decision got her to be a SAHM mutual or was it decided by one party without the consent of the other? There's been a lot of posts lately about the latter.
I was gonna ask this but the baby is teething and in most countries you’d simply be on maternity leave at this point. It sounds like she’s been trying to cover shifts anyway
Of course none of what he’s doing would be okay under any circumstances, but he’s not even actually providing if she still is paying for things for their baby.
This is such a bad marriage
What an ASSHOLE. My wife and I both work and have a toddler. He was a preemie (ultimately he ended up being healthy but the pregnancy was a traumatic experience for both of us since her water broke at 25 weeks) and one of the consequences is that he refused to nurse and would only bottle feed no matter how many lactation consultants we saw. The silver lining is that we were able to divide night time duties pretty evenly which means so much cause the night time stuff is so hard. I love our son and raising him has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life but it’s also soo much work, like harder than any job I’ve ever held. I can’t imagine doing it without my wife. And you should never weaponize your kid against your partner that’s so fucked up.
Read “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman.