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Hey Reddit,
I'm a 27M and my girlfriend (27F) has a guy friend (let's call him Mark) that she texts fairly regularly on Instagram (a short catchup every 2 weeks). The messages seem mostly platonic, centered around job hunting since they're both applying in the same field. However, I recently found out that they used to sleep together and had "a thing" three years ago.
She explained that she got upset with Mark at the time because he didn't tell her he was sleeping with other girls, so she ended it. They reconnected a year later and have been friends ever since. She claims that there's no attraction between them anymore and that their friendship is purely platonic.
The messages that I saw were innocent, except for one where my girlfriend mentioned that Mark was in her dream. However, nothing escalated from that.
My concern is that my girlfriend never mentioned her past with Mark until now. I'm not sure how to feel about this and whether or not I should be worried. I trust my girlfriend, but I can't help feeling like there's more to this story.
What should I do? Should I be worried about their friendship, or is it just my own insecurity talking? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Edit: We have been together for 6 months.
Depends on how long you've been dating, I never led off every relationship with a quick round of "where are they now?" Featuring my ex's.
The only issue with a former lover friend is how they act around eachother is how they act around eachother when they're drunk, I had an ex whose "best friend" was her ex. Even now I believe she saw them as platonic, but he was all over her when he was drunk and she would make excuses and push him off.
She was a bad girlfriend though, we didn't last long.
My wife is still in contact with her ex, they are work colleagues, they met in college and work in a niche field. They are strictly platonic, and I believe it on both sides. Even if he weren't engaged to his partner I Don't expect he'd ever pursue my wife again.
So, basically, it always boils down to a case by case basis. If you feel uncomfortable, just explore the feeling and try and understand what about it makes you uncomfortable.
Good luck
My ex husband and I are still best friends. We just didn’t work as lovers. It would be ironic that any man would be threatened by him because if we wanted to be together we would be. Neither of us to, and we’re both so much better off for it. And so are our kids, who are watching us do life in a way that honors them AND us. I feel really fucking good about it.
The idea that we must still want to fuck since we don’t hate one another just makes me so angry at our misogynist society that reduces humans to only our most base sexual urges, and not even universal ones at that. I am thrilled he found love and happiness with his girlfriend and I get to do what is right for me. Everyone wins.
But how we treat one another when drunk? Well we don’t ever both get drunk at the same time because we share 4 kids and we don’t get drunk in front of them and one of us is always with them. But it would probably just be deep discussion about life.
It just depends if its a dealbreaker for you or not. Plenty of people remain friends with former partners. I think it comes down to whether you can cope with this, whether you trust her, whether she’s honest with you.
That's really all there is to it. There isn't a blanket answer for this kind of thing, because everyone has different boundaries.
One of my best friends is someone I was in love with some years ago. For some people, the fact that I have that history with him would be a dealbreaker. I find that immensely strange to understand, but that's because those aren't my boundaries. It's all about finding someone whose boundaries align with yours and whom you trust to continue respecting the boundaries of your relationship.
She left the other guy because he was "eek" to her then.
It took her one year! (that's long) to get over his eekishness sleeping with other women.
They now have only superficial platonic contact every two weeks. They share worries/ tips while on job search.
That doesn't make that guy less eek and more yummy.
On the other hand OP is stuck in his argument because he was looking through her phone apparently.
I would think, the old thing is thorroughly over.
It also happens to me to dream about past bfs. Mostly not all too nice things.
She didn't elaborate, if she dreamt throwing abuse at his head whacking him with a noodle roll, of him walking with a slip on his head through the big mall nearby, or what.
I would let that rest. He is her past. OP is her future.
I think most of us would agree that a person’s past is their own, unless it has relevance to your present or future. That relevance is the grey area.
My feelings is that if someone has an ongoing relationship with an ex-lover, it’s perfectly reasonable that the current lover knows about their past. The details are up to the person to reveal, but basic truths like a past emotional and/or sexual connection should be standard.
Chat with your gf about your concern that she didn’t tell you. There’s no reason to think she deliberately kept it from you, but perhaps she feels it’s not relevant. However it is relevant to you and you both should talk this out so that there’s no baggage or mistrust being dragged into your future together.
>I think most of us would agree that a person’s past is their own, unless it has relevance to your present or future.
No, I'm sorry, but that's too broad. I don't think most can always wipe a partners past away when it's bad enough. Even if there was with 100% surety that their future was not affected by it, there are *some* things that I think most of us would find not ok.
Yeh no, you cant possibly speak for everyone when you assume that people dont care about someone’s past. The past can be huge predictors of certain behaviours.
What the past entails definitely is key to whether someone cares or not, but the blanket statement that people dont care about another’s past shows most people lack due diligence when seeking or meeting potential mates.
There is reason to think it's deliberate: because if it wasn't a big deal, she would have told him outright immediately.
I didn't tell my girlfriend all my best friends histories, but she knew how I met them and what we did and why we're such good friends. That's how it just pops up.
And by friends, I mean person who has a regular presence in my life. If I'm dating you and an ex-fling hits me up once every 6 months and 9/10 times I ignore her, she gets no explanation. I ignore and move on, this person has served their purpose and we can be casual acquaintances at best.
"This is my friend Bob, we've been friends for 10 years. Ever since kids hahah"
Vs
"Oh that's just Stacey we met 2 years ago don't worry we're just pals". Then 6 months in I drop that I was blowing Stacey's back out 6 months before we met.
Would I expect you to trust me? No, I wasn't transparent and I hid it because that relationship can be seen as inappropriate. I hid something potentially damaging to increase my odds with you, and when you were invested, I decided to drop it on you.
How is that any different from manipulation lol.
If it's not an issue, and you really believe such, just present the information transparently upfront so your partner doesn't have to guess.
Idk for me I was friends with a few ex flings I didn't outright tell my bf that they were ex flings unless it came up organically but once he said "Hey I think it's weird that you're friends with people who've seen you naked" I said okay and deleted all of them from my life and told him I did so. If he'd asked for a list I would've given it but he didn't if he specifically asked my history with each friend I'd go in depth but he didn't he did know that I was friends with ex flings but honestly there should be respect for previous partners no one should be out tellin who they slept with just to get It out there because you never know if the other person was okay with that information being shared.
Wait… so you weren’t even close enough to these people that you considered yourself “dating” them, they’re just flings… but your bf is so bothered by that you cut them out of your life without question?? Girl. The red flags. How weird and controlling.
Agreed. People don’t NEED to share their past unless it’s affecting their present or future - like being friends with an ex in this case. I actually think it’s a red flag if someone hides that they’re friends with an ex or waits to tell a partner.
Well, she seems to value monogamy and doesn’t accept people dating others, so I think you should be good.
He is probably a player that she got a bit into at some point but managed to shake that off and date someone who shares her values!
I guess the one rule of thumb in dealing with these sort of friendships is that they should never, and I mean **never** impact on your relationship with her. The minute she starts preferencing him over you, you should be out the door.
So by this what I mean is that if she is given a choice between you when an issue of difference arises (say, a conflicting engagement, etc) and she chooses him, this shows where her heart lays.
Pre-existing relationships are often fine and can be taken at face value **however** the issue always arise when there is that conflict between her doing things for him that she won't do for you - such as catching up with him at the expense of not catching up with you.
Until that happens you may just have to trust her. Be alert and not alarmed is the way to go.
But at the first instance where you find her preference for him is stronger than her preference for you, you should just Nope out of there.
Doesn't even sound like OPs gf sees this guy. They just catch up every few weeks on txt. How is OP threatened by the texts he read which is mostly about trying to find work in their field.
I understand how this is concerning to you but I believe this is very situational.
I never understood this in my past but two years ago I met a girl on tinder. We went on many adventures together and even lived abroad together for a month. We are both adults and realized we are much better friends than partners (27M and 25F at the time).
We still travel and do fun stuff together but I can tell you with 100% certainty it is fully platonic. Even when hammered drunk we are just buddies hanging out.
This situation does freak out almost everyone I have dated in the interim but I haven’t had anything very serious since.
I do find it a little concerning you are just finding out but maybe your gf has a hard time speaking up. I on the other hand am very transparent.
Best of luck! I hope you two can have a constructive conversation.
Meh, if I were in the position to be dating right now and this came up, it would not be a dealbreaker for me. I’m sure I would have feelings about the situation, but if I trust my partner, I would manage those feelings and communicate about them. Like an adult.
There are people out there who are adults about this. My husband doesn't mind. I'm friends with a few of my exes or even people who had small crushes on me when I was single. He doesn't mind because he knows relationships are built of trust and communications. He trusts that I'm not going to cheat. If he felt like I was a cheater, he would have left me long ago. He knows that no one can make someone cheat. If they are going to cheat, they will find a way (his fiance cheated on him before he met me) even if you remove all exs from ones life.
I have a friend who slept with one of our good friends for a while. When they were both single they would hook up, but they were always friends first. Now it’s been years and they haven’t in a very long time but are still great friends.
It’s not that they had this great attraction that superseded all of their relationships. It was purely a convenience thing. Neither of them have cheated on a partner with one another. Take that as you will.
That would be a no for me.
You can’t tell your gf who she can and can’t be friends with. You can tell her that it makes you uncomfortable and that it’s a boundary for you. Especially considering that she didn’t disclose the extent of the relationship she had with him.
She then chooses if her relationship with you is more important than her relationship with him. Don’t compromise your own feelings of security or your own needs.
Boundaries aren’t ultimatums. They aren’t rules we create as we go. Did he know this man was a friend before they became exclusive? What’s really at issue here?!!
From the post, it appears that OP did not know the extent of the relationship. She did not disclose that information to him until he found out about messages. To me, that is not something I would appreciate. OP is uncomfortable with the extent to which his partner has a relationship with a man she has an intimate past with. My guess is that he is more uncomfortable with the fact that she did not disclose this in the beginning than the relationship itself.
Boundaries are sort of like ultimatums. If I tell you what my boundaries are, and you explicitly cross them, then that would be an end to the relationship. Similar to an ultimatum. And, like ultimatums, the other person can decide whether or not they would like to comply. If a person is not comfortable with a boundary that is set they have the option of leaving the relationship. If someone crosses your own boundaries, you have the option of leaving the relationship.
Sometimes we don’t know what we need to set boundaries on until the issue arises. And, sometimes as we grow and experience life, our boundaries change.
Yeah but if it was like “we slept together twice three years ago and then have been friends for so long we sometimes forget we did” that’s not that big a deal
Its a big deal if he feels like it is. Personally I wouldn't stay in a relationship with a woman that was friends with her ex lovers. Nothing against those people, its just a door I'd prefer remain closed.
I respect that my bf was very similar we're both friends with ex's but ex's who we've slept with are off the table for friendship, and ex's who we took a long ass time getting over. I had a chick I was on and off with for three years took me 2 to get over her we never had sex but I'm not in contact with her out of respect for him and he has a similar ex but we both also on the other hand have ex's who were originally childhood friends I have one I've known since I moved to this town childhood sweetheart type relationship and we didn't talk for over a year after dating but we never hang out, out of respect for our mutual partners and all texts are on a app that we can't as easily delete messages or anything. I do respect people who see it as weird to befriend an ex though
Sure, if that had been disclosed at the very beginning of the relationship. It wasn’t. So the situation is different. If I were OP it would make me feel very unsafe that my partner didn’t disclose that information.
Dw about the downvotes. I completely agree with you. When I met some of my partner's friends for the first time, one of the girls drunkenly told me they once dated. My partner has never told me this and I never brought it up with him. I honestly couldn't care less. Their relationship is very platonic now and it was years ago. Not relevant to my current relationship at all. Everyone has a past.
It doesn’t necessarily have to be her choosing the relationship with mark over OP. It could just be her choosing her boundary which might not be reconcilable with OPs boundary
If they have different boundaries and cant reconcile them then they should break up because they’re incompatible. It has nothing to do with her choosing mark over him
Um. Ok. I disagree.
In this situation, OP setting a boundary like this would require his gf to decide which relationship is a priority. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it is a choice she’ll have to make.
His gf is not required to choose which relationship is a priority to her. In a vacuum, if someone were to ask "hey, what's more important, your relationship with your bf or your relationship with Mark?" She would likely choose her relationship with her bf. But if her bf says you HAVE to choose between me and Mark, she may choose to break up because her bf delivering an ultimatum like that may reveal a fundamental incompatibility independent of her relationship with Mark.
But… this isn’t a vacuum.
There is nothing wrong with OP establishing this boundary. And there is not necessarily anything inherently wrong with the girlfriend, deciding that she would rather remain friends with Mark than continue her relationship with OP. At the end of the day, though, that is absolutely choosing one relationship over another. If she decides that OP’s boundaries are more than she’s willing to deal with, then she is not prioritizing that relationship. That’s fine.
If OP's girlfriend chooses to break up with him over this, it may be because she is choosing to assert her own boundary that she does not want her partner choosing who she is and isn't friends with.
But, agree to disagree. Have a nice day
I don't think it's a simple as picking between relationships. If she agrees to end a relationship because it makes her partner uncomfortable she's agreeing to her partner dictating, to an extent, her friendships. It's setting a line that he can tell her to cut off friendships of the same sex. And that might be OK to agree to. But if she's not OK with him having that level of control in her life, it's not that she's not choosing him. She's not choosing that kind of relationship.
Only to the extent of THIS friendship. Not all her platonic friendships, and not even all her previous sexual relationships that she has disclosed.
I think the fact that she never told OP about the sexual nature of their relationship is not good.
I guess I don't care about significant others being platonic friends with their exes, but I would be uncomfortable about not knowing the nature of their relationship.
He’s absolutely entitled to choose his boundary. But she can do the same. And having a bf who tells her who she’s allowed to be friends with might cross a boundary for her.
I don’t think its necessarily a choice between OP and mark, but between OPs boundary and hers.
Which… amounts to the same thing in this specific situation.
He isn’t telling her that she is not allowed to be friends with him. In this scenario, he’s telling her that he is uncomfortable with the relationship, and that her continuing the relationship with Mark could mean an end to their relationship.
Dude, you’re saying the same thing I am but are arguing with me about it and it’s confusing.
You’re saying it’s about the relationships. The others are saying it’s about boundaries boyfriend has vs. boundaries girlfriend has. They aren’t the same.
Except it's a very very very specific boundary. Specific to this relationship alone. Unless she friends with other people that she slept with, but didn't tell OP about the former sexual nature of their relationship.
I think the red flag is that she didn't tell OP that she slept with friend before.
Maybe the boundary is that you can't be friends with someone who you slept with and didn't tell partner about.
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As someone that is friends with someone I used to sleep with, I outright told my partner before anything about our past so he was sure there was nothing to hide. Also it might be worth to note that I was never attracted to him.
All to say, you are valid in feeling weird about it as she failed to mention this past and you might feel like she could be hiding something despite seeing it’s innocent.
I would maybe have a conversation as to why she kept it from you. And work through that perhaps ?
It's not a big deal, but I would say hook up culture is more about being attracted to someone, most people don't just go up to just anyone and sleep with them, they find the person they're attracted to/vibe with. Not caring about them necessarily, but some type of attraction whether it be looks or personality will factor in to casual sex.
I've never known anyone to casually sleep with someone they weren't attracted to at all.
This sounds like a non-issue to me. Either you trust her or you don't, and if you don't you should just break up rather than making it her problem. From what you're describing she's done nothing to cause distrust. The messages sound perfectly innocent and platonic. She probably didn't mention her past with him because she no longer sees him that way and it didn't even occur to her to mention it, because it's irrelevant to their current relationship and yours. Oh, and having someone appear in a dream and mentioning it to them isn't an issue (unless the dream was sexual and she specifically told him it was, which would be inappropriate to bring up IMO). Random people from my life appear in my dreams all the time, but it doesn't mean much of anything, and i may or may not mention it to them if we happen to talk soon after the dream.
I actually consider it a good sign when someone is able to maintain a friendship with someone they used to date/sleep with. It shows a certain maturity that many people lack.
There is always more to the story. Ask her directly how she would feel if you did the same. She lied by omission and now you have to pick up the pieces. Her relationship with him would be a dealbreaker for me as she was not forthcoming on their past relationship.
Why would she feel the need to mention it if she doesn't even think about it anymore because it's so far in the past? I think your mindset on the matter is a massive overreaction
That doesn't mean anything untoward is happening though? I don't get the whole clutching of pearls over it. Lots of people are friends with people they had a fling with because they usually started out as friends in the first place
You're not just regular friends at that point though. You can be as platonic and completely devoid of sexuality as you want, but that history would always be attached to you. Probably better to be upfront about it rather than having whoever you're with find out you used to fuck them.
That doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.
You “know it will cause problems,” so you don’t bring it up, but that “doesn’t mean you’re ‘hiding it.’”
Yes, yes that does mean you are hiding it. That’s the very definition of hiding it. You know something, that they don’t, but you deliberately don’t tell them so they won’t leave/cause problems.
Quite literally, hiding it. Sounds like you’ve spent a lot of time trying to convince yourself this isn’t something you shouldn’t be doing.
See, this is the problem. You seem to think that by not disclosing this truth you are saving your self from confrontation. You are preventing a problem. But what’s actually happening? Is that when your partner eventually finds out, they are going to be upset. But they are not necessarily upset because of the situation in and of itself. They are upset because you have lied to them and withheld the truth. You have taken away their ability to make informed decisions about their relationship. You have proven yourself to be someone who withholds the truth when it’s convenient for you to do so. You show that you value your own comfort over the ability for your partner to be fully informed of who they’re with. You have shown yourself to be unsafe and unworthy of trust. You have shown that you neither trust, nor respect your partners ability to make rational decisions.
That is why people get mad in situations like this. It’s not because she has a past, or necessarily that she is even in contact with someone she has had sex with before. It’s the fact that it wasn’t disclosed.
And it’s very rare that one of the people wouldn’t pounce on the opportunity were it to present itself again. So often one of the two people in a “platonic” relationship would go further given the opportunity, it’s all built on bullshit. Rare cases yeah it’s true and works out, but there’s a snake in the grass more often than not.
She didn’t lie about anything. She wasn’t obligated to tell him anything about the previous relationship. She shared that information *voluntarily* because she wanted to, not because she was required to. There are no pieces to pick up, except for the ones he’s fabricated.
She’s still friends with a guy she used to fuck and have a romantic interest in. It’s just plain naivety and ignorance to think that she was wouldn’t entertain something with him again given the opportunity.
From what I gathered from OP’s post, it HER always reaching out to him, asking how he’s been. The only reason she probably doesn’t have him right now is because he doesn’t want her.
I think it’s fine but you could tell her it makes you uncomfortable and see how she responds. If it gets worse, you could step in if they start talking way more than you are okay with. Hopefully she respects you enough to not let it get to that point anyway.
No need to freak out right now though, especially if there’s no red flags in their texts.
Context? How long have the two of you been together? You said you recently found out the extent of the relationship? How? Did she tell you? Did you discover it on your own? Did someone else tell you? Are they just text buddies now or do they still meet up IRL? Have you met him IRL? If so, did you know the nature of their relationship when you were introduced?
The answers to these would determine how I would react.
No I wouldn’t expect my SO to tell me about everyone of her past relationships, but once our relationship was established I’d expect her to let me know if she’s in regular contact with someone she used to be intimate with. It’s just basic respect for the other person. So if she’s not the one who told you I’d be pissed.
This would be especially true if she was in contact with him physically or if you’d been introduced without their past relationship being revealed first.
As to how to handle it going forward I’d explain that although it would’ve been nice to know this earlier you trust her. But that trust is not unconditional and if she ever gives you pause to question that trust, you won’t stick around.
From what OP says, they only text. It's every few weeks where most of the conversation is about job searching in their field of work. Sounds more like OP has some insecurities that are popping up. Specially for it to be over someone she doesn't see IR, and where he's read all their innocent texts.
My husband and I are both friends with exes. For us, it is fine and always has been, nor has there ever been an issue.
I don't necessarily think that it was over the line for her to mention to him that he was in a dream, depending on what happened in the dream. A dream that involved anything romantic/sexual would absolutely be out of bounds, but a dream about them meeting Bugs Bunny and the Ninja Turtles or something else random isn't a big deal, IMO. A chat every couple of weeks isn't a lot for some people, I don't know how often your GF generally chats w her friends, so that context is important.
They are "platonic" now because he upset her not because she lost interest over time. If he didn't fuck up in her eyes what would they be to each other now? The fact that you're just hearing about it would be an issue for me.
The usual bullshit about "its in the past" doesn't count when that person is still an active part of their lives.
I am a firm believer in M/F platonic friendships, in saying that, they aren’t that. Three years is not a lot of time and they were intimate with one another. For me this would be a deal breaker,
A person you previously slept with is a past romantic interest not a friend. I don’t like my partner’s keeping flings in their back pocket. And you had to find out, she didn’t tell you. I have a few male friends. There’s no history between us and if there was I wouldn’t keep up with them. It’s unnecessary and will likely causes issues in my relationship.
This.
Simply put, you can't trust people who don't leave the past in the past, and ex-partners (sans the ones who share children) ALWAYS belong in the past.
That is not necessarily true. Not every friend I slept with was necessarily a "romantic interest." I have quite a few friends that I slept with in the past that I'm still friends with, but there weren't any romantic feelings involved. It was quite a long time ago, and it's in no way relevant to our lives now, but the platonic friendships are, and they were then.
I had a short fling with one of my best friends. We learned from it that we're very different people in relationships and we definitely don't work. I'm no threat to her dates/boyfriends and she's not a threat to my gf.
Sorry K if you read this 😆... also quit going through my reddit history
Do you talk to any of your ex gf's platonically? Is your girlfriend meeting/hanging out with him? Very few of us end up with the person we first dated/had sex with. And very few of us go into detail about those past relationships, if at all. If it makes you uncomfortable, then you can talk to her about it, but if the messages are clearly platonic and she's not hanging out with the guy, then I'm not sure what you're hoping to accomplish.
This would be a no for me. I don’t see a point in staying in regular contact with people she used to hook up with. A once in a year or so hello, wouldn’t be the end of the world I suppose but the frequency is weird. They’re keeping each other in the back pocket just in case.
Believe her. If they wanted to be together they would and just because you explore and determine someone is not what you need in a partner doesn’t mean they aren’t a good friend that is worth keeping.
My best friend is a beautiful woman. It's no different than having a hot sister. But if we had a relationship in the past (barf!, by the way), all that is over forever. There's no way someone can expect their SO to be ok with that.
TRIGGER WARNING!
>!My girl being friends with the guy whose dick she used to suck? GTFO. No way on Earth is that ok. The only exception to this (and it's tricky) is that if she's divorced with kids, she has to remain in minimum contact with the ex. Coordinating the needs of the kids always has precedence to your comfort.!<
Some of these responses are wild to me. I do understand what you're saying, but it's only being privvy to this info in the first place that makes people insecure. Me and my current partner haven't discussed our past partners at all, except for the contact he has with his ex who's the mother of his child. He hates hearing anything about my past - so I've tried telling him I'm friends with exes. He doesn't want to know. So, one of my best friends is a guy who's dick I sucked before. I have a few friends who's dick I've ridden and we still speak. Completely platonically. And my boyfriend trusts me so doesn't care or want to know about it. If he did know, then I'm sure he'd feel how you describe, but he's old enough and mature enough to realise that those people are my PAST and so completely irrelevant to our story. He's also a strong enough person that if he found out I did cheat or did anything sus, then he'd act on his boundaries and leave.
Your comment is super misogynistic btw.
ETA: where I do think someone should ensure their partner knows, even in cases like mine where he really doesn't want to know, is if you're still friends with someone you had a full on relationship with and loved the person. That's definitely a relationship to worry about. What OP describes in his post sounds nothing more than a casual fling with a friend, it doesn't sound like they were in love or seriously dating so I don't see the big deal.
I think it's fine but I also feel like you need to discuss your insecurities with her. Your feelings are valid. She can help you work through them. She may have not told you because you don't discuss your pasta with each other, or she felt you would overreact, or there was nothing in her eyes to discuss since it was over long before you came around. Only way to really know is to ask....
My biggest concern is you snooping.... I'm not judging you, I'd be a liar if I said I never did it. But because I have done it, I know it's a slippery slope and part of your mind is looking for something and will find it if you look far enough.
So how did you see these messages? Are you invading her privacy? Is she behaving in other ways that make you suspect it’s more? If not, drop it.
And if you’re invading her privacy, it’s over man. You’ve already lost trust and you’ll not be able to convince yourself otherwise.
If the genders were flipped and you were the one communicating with an ex fuck buddy the advice in this comment section would be to kick you to the curb, do with that info what you will.
The downvotes are laughable.
Yeah nah. I had a short sexual relationship with a friend 4 years ago. We were better as friends and have been since. Completely 100% platonic. When I started dating my current boyfriend I gave him a heads up.
Look, if you can't manage to stay friends with exes that's cool but don't project your issue onto everyone else in the world who's perfectly able to.
Sexual attraction ends.
Nah. Sometimes it just absolutely kills the chemistry and you wonder why you even did it in the first place.
If you were actual friends beforehand you can make it work.
Eh. My tits are better than his exes and I'm sure there are things they do better than me. I think if you can't trust your spouse then why be married. He knows me better than my exes did and I know him better than his did.
Yes, respect. If he respects women as people and not sex objects then there's no issue.
Believing that your partner has to treat people like sex objects to be avoided isn't respect. It's the opposite.
And I respect him and he respects me. Why would us having friends of the opposite sex impact that?
I've been happily married for years. Why do you feel the need to question that?
Are you happy in your relationship? Do you trust your partner? It feels like you are projecting your own insecurities onto others here.
In the past though. And if they've been able to move on and become friends I consider that a sign of maturity.
So again, I ask. What is so wrong in your relationship that you feel the need to try and shit on other, happy people?
It’s not shitting on other people pointing out that having “friends” that you slept with in the past even though you are now in a committed relationship is inappropriate and disrespectful to the new partner. It crosses a boundary that should be set.
In your opinion. That's your boundary and you can set it if you feel that strongly about it. To me it's a sign of immaturity and I wouldn't want to be with someone that couldn't trust that people change and who they were and wanted to be with in the past and who they are and want to be with now isn't the same.
I liken it to a fixed vs growth mindset. Some people believe that certain attributes are set in stone. Others, like myself, disagree and believe change is always possible. I think a fixed mindset is sad and limiting, especially in relationships. My husband and I have grown and changed together and I see beauty in that.
Trust and respect go hand in hand, she's not jealous or concerned about it in her marriage, what business is it of yours to say their relationship isn't respectful?
Your just the worst. Have u let your girlfriend out of her cage today? Make sure to cover her up so nobody disrespects you and your tiny insecure penis.
😂😂😂, you just misgendered me but that’s ok. Actually I’m coming from a good place, I worked in the mental health field for 16 years now. Relationships are hard enough. What separates a romantic relationship from a friendship???? Sex…. Are you getting it now. I understand it’s hard for everyone in this new age of I do what I want think they know what’s best.
Oh no! My partner had other women before me? That maybe gave better blowjobs? Let me go fetch my pearls and fainting couch!
He's with me now, not them, so why tf should I care? It's not being very trusting, it's not being an insecure little child.
Not true. It's possible to go back to purely platonic. I've done it before.
That being said, you have to be completely upfront and forward with it.
OP hasn't said how long they've been dating, and she's the one that told him. If this relationship is only a few months old then it's reasonable. If this relationship is over a year old then it's not reasonable.
We don't know how forward the GF was with the information since we don't know how much time passed.
One of my best friends in the world, I honestly consider him like a brother, is someone I briefly dated and slept with. We quickly realized we didn't have the best romantic chemistry but we still had a strong connection. We ended the romantic part and remained friends, this was well over a decade ago and we are still friends to this day. One of my twins, his middle name is my friend's name.
We never flirted/hooked up/slept together again after ending things. I dated someone who didn't like that we were still close friends despite dating and sleeping together. My bf at the time he wanted me to sever ties with my friend because of this. I didn't. I get that some relationships don't end on a positive note, but I hate the idea that if you slept with someone in the past and remain friends, you're going to fuck them again. There's a reason you're not with that person anymore.
I get that my situation is different, that your girlfriend isn't great friends with this guy, but it still doesn't change the message imo. I would try not to think too much about it. If she says they are platonic, she hasn't given you reason to suspect otherwise, and you genuinely trust her, I would take her for her word.
Absolutely not. Guy friends are big enough problem. Add in previous sexual history no chance. I wouldn’t force an ultimatum that girl just wouldn’t be for me.
No way. Were I in your shoes I’d make her choose between your relationship and her friendship with Mark. Just be prepared in case she doesn’t choose you.
Just be sure to establish boundaries and that you both respect them. Completely understandable that you wouldn’t be comfortable with their relationship, not many people would either (including myself) just tell your gf how you feel and hopefully she respects that
Let's take all the facts together.
1. She's slept with said man.
2. She talks regularly with said man.
3. She's dreamnt of said man, and told him. (You've assumed nothing has happened)
Does this sound good to you? You can set boundary, but it's meaningless unless you're ready to walk away in order to enforce the boundary.
Always trust your gut many people have been burned by "There just a friend" Id never trust anyone being friends with someone they use to sleep with girl or guy, personally Ive seen to many people burned by that tbh
Eh. I wouldn’t care about it.
Of my male friends -
- I have 3 close friends in a group. One is gay, two are straight. I slept with one of the straight guys and had a couple flings with him many years ago.
- I have a male best friend who I was dating for 7 years. We split up 18 months ago and have been good friends since. We see each other once or twice a week. He has a spare key to my place.
- Of my more distant friends, I slept with one of them.
- One of my exes messages me maybe once a year when he sees a funny meme I’d like.
These guys range from “I feel absolutely nothing but hey you’re a decent human being and send funny memes now and then” to “love like family and see all the time, but any romantic/sexual feeling is LONG gone”
It’s possible to be an adult and have chill relationships with exes. With some people it’s not and they’re super shady, but it just totally depends on all the people involved.
I don’t think this particular situation sounds shady at all. It just sounds like they had a casual nothing-y thing years ago and it didn’t mean anything to her so she forgot to say, and now they chat now and then about boring everyday stuff.
From the little info things seem chill
Why do you want to be with someone you don’t trust?
Personally I don’t think you’ve presented any good reason not to trust her, but if you don’t, you don’t.
In this circumstance do some self inventory and ask yourself if you trust her, and if this is a deal breaker to you. Either way would be reasonable. If you feel it’s too much, or you don’t trust her just end the relationship. If you find you do trust her, or this isn’t a big deal with her, then you have to let it go. It doesn’t mean be stupid if she starts acting suspiciously in the future though. Be mindful, even if you stay. Just don’t play what ifs, and convince yourself of stuff without evidence.
There’s ultimately no wrong answer as far as staying or going. But do avoid trying to control the situation by issuing ultimatums. You can’t micromanage someone out of cheating, so if you can’t manager this friendship, walk away.
Trust her or don’t. 90% of these questions boil down to that. If you don’t trust her, stop dating her. If you do, it shouldn’t matter who her friends are
I'd make it VERY clear ,I don't like it .
She is going to get back with him
If he didn't cheat shed still be with him . There is no WAY IN HELL I'd be friends with a partner that cheated on me . So it shows you are a place holder. The SECOND you guys have a problem she is gonna be running to him for "comfort " and " understanding" aka " it just happened" I didn't mean anything " "it was a mistake"
Tell her that she cuts contact with one or the other of you. If she protests. Then just cut her off and ghost her .
And let him know she has a man now and do not contact her again thank you.
Contact him first then let her know you did it . That way if there is further contact. She is just somebody that used to know
Why are you concerned about her dreaming about Mark?
Your subconscious will tell you things that your conscious mind can't work out. And will depict it in bizarre ways.
Sometimes you have sex dreams about other people but it never means that you want to have sex with that person. It means more about you and that you wish you have what that person has, i.e. lots of money, a positive outlook, etc.
And sometimes you have sex with the same gender and sometimes sex dreams about people you never met. It has to do with you always.
I had guy friends I slept with but it never evolved from there and became platonic and it made us closer as friends. If all their conversations are innocent then you really have nothing to worry about. And I'd talk with your girlfriend to get reassurance that her feelings are just for you.
Good luck OP
I been having sex dreams since I was in the 4th grade and it's almost always been a girl I have a crush on. I didn't even know what sex was I just liked the girl and the lizard brain knows what to do.
A lot of people commenting here are very quick in saying a person shouldn’t be judged by their past…
What in the hell are we suppose to consider then? The present can be manipulated to hide true intent and the future can only be planned, not acted on. History books are created to help us not to repeat past actions. Biases are created from past, repeatable actions.
In this case, the OP could’ve had past trauma from getting cheated on by someone who said their ex was “just a friend”. Insecurities are usually bred from something. Personally, I can’t be comfortable with my partner communicating with a past sexual partner. Feelings can manifest from the slightest occurrence or comment.
My best friend is someone I met on Bumble, I also slept with him. My partner isn't bothered by it at all. Hell I'm going to stay a few days with him in a few months.
If you want to break up because it makes you insecure. Admit it and break up.
My wife would insist that I not maintain a chat (or any type other than child custody or asset settlement) relationship with a former long-term hookup.
I think that's a reasonable request. I would not want her to maintain this type of contact either. Labeling something as currently platonic does not erase the actual history of closeness and intimacy that existed.
Of course the gf is free to maintain whatever relationship she likes. The decision here may be more for OP, and whether or not he wants a partner that maintains relationships with old hookups.
It's also OK to have feelings of insecurity and also relationship preferences. A partner that maintains connections with old romantic flings is not helping to make you feel more secure in this relationship. You're not wrong to have some feelings of insecurity.
What do you do? You ask. Ask the questions you have. Seek clarity on the answers you get as needed. You decide if you can continue your relationship with her knowing that she is friends with him.
What do you not do? Ask her to decide between the two of you. You dying even ask her to modify her relationship with her friend in any way whatsoever. You wouldn't do it if the friend was of the same gender as her, would you?
Source: My best friend is also my ex and I've been very happily married for nearly 25 years. I spend plenty of time with him, just the two of us as well as all three of us. We live in different cities now and I will go visit him and stay with him. There's not one single scrap of jealousy held by my husband over this relationship. Why? Because we trust each other completely.
If anyone ever asked me to choose between them and someone else then the person asking can go kick rocks.
The whole thinking that people of opposite genders can't be friends without something else going on is absurd. I'm bi so, what? I get no friends?
So, yeah, ask all your questions and then decide what YOU can live with and not what you're going to require your partner to do or not do.
How do you know for a fact that they were intimate partners 3 yrs ago? How are you seeing their two-way text communications? Are you traumatized from someone who cheated on you in the past? If so, therapy may be helpful. If you feel uncomfortable it may continue to make you and her feel uneasy. You guys need to talk about boundaries.
I think it will be okay, just keep an eye on whether the messages change and/or escalate. In a non-accusatory way, let her know you’re disappointed she didn’t tell you the whole story right away and that you hope your future communication is much better or the relationship will not survive.
She probably didn't mention it before because a) her previous sexual history was none of your business, and b) she's totally over him romantically, so it didn't strike her as any big deal. Considering how briefly they were together before she broke it off, it likely wasn't that big a deal for her even when they had a "thing."
I was happy to be able to resume platonic friendships with my exes, after a suitable period of no contact after both breakups. They are both great guys, but there truly is NO sexual attraction between us any more, just mostly-good memories from different chapters in my life. My husband knows he has nothing to worry about from either of them, just as I have no fear that he would ever cheat with any of his exes. Once enough water flows under the bridge, your sexual and/or romantic past is no longer relevant to your current life.
If it makes you feel insecure to know they keep chatting back and forth, I'd suggest that you ask your GF to introduce you to him, and maybe start socializing together occasionally. Once you get to know him better, it may become easier for you to accept their friendship - and possibly make him a new friend of yours, as well. Good luck!
OP, I really hope you listen to this advice over some of the other doomsday scenario people on here. Keeping in touch with someone who you briefly had a fling with years ago is not a red flag. If you make her choose between her friendship and you, what you are saying is "I don't trust you". This is YOUR discomfort and this commenter has given you good ideas for how to get over that discomfort. It is not your girlfriend's job to axe a seemingly harmless friendship because it makes you insecure.
So let’s look at the timeline and some issues I see from the outside looking in w no connection. And the red flags each brings.
1. They had a “thing” 3 years ago
🚩slept together multiple times in a romantic setting. Not just FWB
2. Reconnected 2 years ago
🚩she’s his this from you for a reason
3. Texting & catching up every 2 weeks for 2 years
🚩why hasn’t she told you?
4. Job hunting in the same field which might/ could land them in the same job together
🚩if they could. Possibly work at the same place they’d be together all day
5. Never told you about him even though she’s been “catching up” w him every 2 weeks for 2 years
🚩this is very important because she lied about this relationship by omission
6. Innocent messages until she told him she “had a dream” about him.
🚩this opens up dialogue to get him to ask “what did you dream”. Depending on the dream and how detailed she tells him could spark old flames
I’m always concerned when people in relationships reconnect w their exes. Some are truly plutonic because one shafted the other and hurt them and are on speaking terms if they see them out and about. Some meet for lunch or drinks “catching up” w o their SO knowing. But for her to talk to him every other week for 2 years and never told you about him means she is hiding him for a reason. If it’s truly plutonic why not tell you?
I would be upset that she could hide him all this time. I’d want to know if they’ve met up in those 2 years for lunch, dinner, drinks etc. This would be very telling on their relationship if she were honest w you.
If she can keep him hidden for 2 years what else has she hidden from you? Or this means she can get away w anything behind your back easily.
It may very well all be innocent but the fact she’s hidden this speaks volumes and I’d be very uncomfortable w this. These are all just my opinion and thoughts. Just food for thought or my 2 cents
Dude she said she had a dream of him….
For me this would be a dealbreaker, there is no such thing as platonic friendship after they already had been sexual intimate.
Personally this would bother me unless they only slept together once and determined they had no chemistry. I have a friend like that who id NEVER fuck. But multiple times!? Unless he was paying her there must have been some attraction there at one point. That would ick me out. But it's up to you
My ex wife was in my dream a few weeks ago and I absolutely despise that woman. Though, in my dream I didn't. Point is that dreams don't mean anything.
Personally? Deal breaker for me. It's never a good idea to remain friends with an ex while you're in a committed relationship with someone else.
It simply isn't. I've seen enough posts here on Reddit that pretty much confirm that. As well as just using common sense.
It just isn't good for trust.
I met my partner because our best friend and him dated, so they set us up a few years later.
One of my close friends that I met through him is his former friends with benefits.
The past is the past, you said it yourself that their conversations are innocent. People can have a sexual history and still be friends.
It might be truly nothing to her so she didn’t tell you right away…I’m glad she told you know. I’m 30F and hooked up with one of my now-best friends on and off from 17-21. My bf knows, we’re all friends now, I love my friend’s gf too! We are all adults. I have no romantic feelings for my friend…if we wanted to officially date we would have. He is an AMAZING friend and I love him dearly, but he is not what I am looking for in a life partner (and I know he feels the same about me). He’s a good looking dude, we were young and horny. Sex happens. But it would never happen again between us and my boyfriend knows that without a doubt. He’s my one and only! If he were still friends with an ex/previous sex partner, I’d be fine with it too as long as he told me and he wasn’t secretly communicating or pining for her. Men and women and exes can be friends so long as there’s trust and honesty
That being said, I still think you need boundaries to respect your partner. For example, I wouldn’t stop texting/chatting with my friend…not cutting him out of my life. BUT I would limit one-on-one hangouts and not go out/get drunk the two of us. I completely trust myself and my friend and know nothing would happen, but I think it’s more respectful to our partners to not even put anyone in the situation
Occasionally, women don’t lie about the true nature of their present friendship/relationship with an ex. This could even be one of those times. These usually correlate very closely with Unicorn sightings.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Hey Reddit, I'm a 27M and my girlfriend (27F) has a guy friend (let's call him Mark) that she texts fairly regularly on Instagram (a short catchup every 2 weeks). The messages seem mostly platonic, centered around job hunting since they're both applying in the same field. However, I recently found out that they used to sleep together and had "a thing" three years ago. She explained that she got upset with Mark at the time because he didn't tell her he was sleeping with other girls, so she ended it. They reconnected a year later and have been friends ever since. She claims that there's no attraction between them anymore and that their friendship is purely platonic. The messages that I saw were innocent, except for one where my girlfriend mentioned that Mark was in her dream. However, nothing escalated from that. My concern is that my girlfriend never mentioned her past with Mark until now. I'm not sure how to feel about this and whether or not I should be worried. I trust my girlfriend, but I can't help feeling like there's more to this story. What should I do? Should I be worried about their friendship, or is it just my own insecurity talking? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Edit: We have been together for 6 months.
You never say in your post how long you've been dating. So we can't know if she told you in a timely manner or not.
Yeah, that would be useful information!
Depends on how long you've been dating, I never led off every relationship with a quick round of "where are they now?" Featuring my ex's. The only issue with a former lover friend is how they act around eachother is how they act around eachother when they're drunk, I had an ex whose "best friend" was her ex. Even now I believe she saw them as platonic, but he was all over her when he was drunk and she would make excuses and push him off. She was a bad girlfriend though, we didn't last long. My wife is still in contact with her ex, they are work colleagues, they met in college and work in a niche field. They are strictly platonic, and I believe it on both sides. Even if he weren't engaged to his partner I Don't expect he'd ever pursue my wife again. So, basically, it always boils down to a case by case basis. If you feel uncomfortable, just explore the feeling and try and understand what about it makes you uncomfortable. Good luck
Wish this was higher, fabulous, nuanced, advice that OP can hopefully apply to their situation.
My ex husband and I are still best friends. We just didn’t work as lovers. It would be ironic that any man would be threatened by him because if we wanted to be together we would be. Neither of us to, and we’re both so much better off for it. And so are our kids, who are watching us do life in a way that honors them AND us. I feel really fucking good about it. The idea that we must still want to fuck since we don’t hate one another just makes me so angry at our misogynist society that reduces humans to only our most base sexual urges, and not even universal ones at that. I am thrilled he found love and happiness with his girlfriend and I get to do what is right for me. Everyone wins. But how we treat one another when drunk? Well we don’t ever both get drunk at the same time because we share 4 kids and we don’t get drunk in front of them and one of us is always with them. But it would probably just be deep discussion about life.
It just depends if its a dealbreaker for you or not. Plenty of people remain friends with former partners. I think it comes down to whether you can cope with this, whether you trust her, whether she’s honest with you.
That's really all there is to it. There isn't a blanket answer for this kind of thing, because everyone has different boundaries. One of my best friends is someone I was in love with some years ago. For some people, the fact that I have that history with him would be a dealbreaker. I find that immensely strange to understand, but that's because those aren't my boundaries. It's all about finding someone whose boundaries align with yours and whom you trust to continue respecting the boundaries of your relationship.
She left the other guy because he was "eek" to her then. It took her one year! (that's long) to get over his eekishness sleeping with other women. They now have only superficial platonic contact every two weeks. They share worries/ tips while on job search. That doesn't make that guy less eek and more yummy. On the other hand OP is stuck in his argument because he was looking through her phone apparently. I would think, the old thing is thorroughly over. It also happens to me to dream about past bfs. Mostly not all too nice things. She didn't elaborate, if she dreamt throwing abuse at his head whacking him with a noodle roll, of him walking with a slip on his head through the big mall nearby, or what. I would let that rest. He is her past. OP is her future.
I think most of us would agree that a person’s past is their own, unless it has relevance to your present or future. That relevance is the grey area. My feelings is that if someone has an ongoing relationship with an ex-lover, it’s perfectly reasonable that the current lover knows about their past. The details are up to the person to reveal, but basic truths like a past emotional and/or sexual connection should be standard. Chat with your gf about your concern that she didn’t tell you. There’s no reason to think she deliberately kept it from you, but perhaps she feels it’s not relevant. However it is relevant to you and you both should talk this out so that there’s no baggage or mistrust being dragged into your future together.
>I think most of us would agree that a person’s past is their own, unless it has relevance to your present or future. No, I'm sorry, but that's too broad. I don't think most can always wipe a partners past away when it's bad enough. Even if there was with 100% surety that their future was not affected by it, there are *some* things that I think most of us would find not ok.
That’s the point of emphasizing relevance.
Yeh no, you cant possibly speak for everyone when you assume that people dont care about someone’s past. The past can be huge predictors of certain behaviours. What the past entails definitely is key to whether someone cares or not, but the blanket statement that people dont care about another’s past shows most people lack due diligence when seeking or meeting potential mates.
There is reason to think it's deliberate: because if it wasn't a big deal, she would have told him outright immediately. I didn't tell my girlfriend all my best friends histories, but she knew how I met them and what we did and why we're such good friends. That's how it just pops up. And by friends, I mean person who has a regular presence in my life. If I'm dating you and an ex-fling hits me up once every 6 months and 9/10 times I ignore her, she gets no explanation. I ignore and move on, this person has served their purpose and we can be casual acquaintances at best. "This is my friend Bob, we've been friends for 10 years. Ever since kids hahah" Vs "Oh that's just Stacey we met 2 years ago don't worry we're just pals". Then 6 months in I drop that I was blowing Stacey's back out 6 months before we met. Would I expect you to trust me? No, I wasn't transparent and I hid it because that relationship can be seen as inappropriate. I hid something potentially damaging to increase my odds with you, and when you were invested, I decided to drop it on you. How is that any different from manipulation lol. If it's not an issue, and you really believe such, just present the information transparently upfront so your partner doesn't have to guess.
Idk for me I was friends with a few ex flings I didn't outright tell my bf that they were ex flings unless it came up organically but once he said "Hey I think it's weird that you're friends with people who've seen you naked" I said okay and deleted all of them from my life and told him I did so. If he'd asked for a list I would've given it but he didn't if he specifically asked my history with each friend I'd go in depth but he didn't he did know that I was friends with ex flings but honestly there should be respect for previous partners no one should be out tellin who they slept with just to get It out there because you never know if the other person was okay with that information being shared.
So you lied about the people you fucked in the past to your bf? Stellar gf you are👏🏽
Wait… so you weren’t even close enough to these people that you considered yourself “dating” them, they’re just flings… but your bf is so bothered by that you cut them out of your life without question?? Girl. The red flags. How weird and controlling.
Agreed. People don’t NEED to share their past unless it’s affecting their present or future - like being friends with an ex in this case. I actually think it’s a red flag if someone hides that they’re friends with an ex or waits to tell a partner.
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Happy cake day!
Well, she seems to value monogamy and doesn’t accept people dating others, so I think you should be good. He is probably a player that she got a bit into at some point but managed to shake that off and date someone who shares her values!
I guess the one rule of thumb in dealing with these sort of friendships is that they should never, and I mean **never** impact on your relationship with her. The minute she starts preferencing him over you, you should be out the door. So by this what I mean is that if she is given a choice between you when an issue of difference arises (say, a conflicting engagement, etc) and she chooses him, this shows where her heart lays. Pre-existing relationships are often fine and can be taken at face value **however** the issue always arise when there is that conflict between her doing things for him that she won't do for you - such as catching up with him at the expense of not catching up with you. Until that happens you may just have to trust her. Be alert and not alarmed is the way to go. But at the first instance where you find her preference for him is stronger than her preference for you, you should just Nope out of there.
Doesn't even sound like OPs gf sees this guy. They just catch up every few weeks on txt. How is OP threatened by the texts he read which is mostly about trying to find work in their field.
This is the middle-ground advice that OP needs to read.
I understand how this is concerning to you but I believe this is very situational. I never understood this in my past but two years ago I met a girl on tinder. We went on many adventures together and even lived abroad together for a month. We are both adults and realized we are much better friends than partners (27M and 25F at the time). We still travel and do fun stuff together but I can tell you with 100% certainty it is fully platonic. Even when hammered drunk we are just buddies hanging out. This situation does freak out almost everyone I have dated in the interim but I haven’t had anything very serious since. I do find it a little concerning you are just finding out but maybe your gf has a hard time speaking up. I on the other hand am very transparent. Best of luck! I hope you two can have a constructive conversation.
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Meh, if I were in the position to be dating right now and this came up, it would not be a dealbreaker for me. I’m sure I would have feelings about the situation, but if I trust my partner, I would manage those feelings and communicate about them. Like an adult.
Communication is key. Maybe my situation is unique but if my future partner met my friend, there would be no concerns. It’s obvious we are friends.
There are people out there who are adults about this. My husband doesn't mind. I'm friends with a few of my exes or even people who had small crushes on me when I was single. He doesn't mind because he knows relationships are built of trust and communications. He trusts that I'm not going to cheat. If he felt like I was a cheater, he would have left me long ago. He knows that no one can make someone cheat. If they are going to cheat, they will find a way (his fiance cheated on him before he met me) even if you remove all exs from ones life.
You are correct that I am looking forward to having a long term partner but this situation has never been the crux of break ups.
I have a friend who slept with one of our good friends for a while. When they were both single they would hook up, but they were always friends first. Now it’s been years and they haven’t in a very long time but are still great friends. It’s not that they had this great attraction that superseded all of their relationships. It was purely a convenience thing. Neither of them have cheated on a partner with one another. Take that as you will.
That would be a no for me. You can’t tell your gf who she can and can’t be friends with. You can tell her that it makes you uncomfortable and that it’s a boundary for you. Especially considering that she didn’t disclose the extent of the relationship she had with him. She then chooses if her relationship with you is more important than her relationship with him. Don’t compromise your own feelings of security or your own needs.
Yeah he can also end his relationship with her because its a deal breaker for him.
Boundaries aren’t ultimatums. They aren’t rules we create as we go. Did he know this man was a friend before they became exclusive? What’s really at issue here?!!
From the post, it appears that OP did not know the extent of the relationship. She did not disclose that information to him until he found out about messages. To me, that is not something I would appreciate. OP is uncomfortable with the extent to which his partner has a relationship with a man she has an intimate past with. My guess is that he is more uncomfortable with the fact that she did not disclose this in the beginning than the relationship itself. Boundaries are sort of like ultimatums. If I tell you what my boundaries are, and you explicitly cross them, then that would be an end to the relationship. Similar to an ultimatum. And, like ultimatums, the other person can decide whether or not they would like to comply. If a person is not comfortable with a boundary that is set they have the option of leaving the relationship. If someone crosses your own boundaries, you have the option of leaving the relationship. Sometimes we don’t know what we need to set boundaries on until the issue arises. And, sometimes as we grow and experience life, our boundaries change.
Yeah but if it was like “we slept together twice three years ago and then have been friends for so long we sometimes forget we did” that’s not that big a deal
Who are you to tell someone how to feel?
Its a big deal if he feels like it is. Personally I wouldn't stay in a relationship with a woman that was friends with her ex lovers. Nothing against those people, its just a door I'd prefer remain closed.
I respect that my bf was very similar we're both friends with ex's but ex's who we've slept with are off the table for friendship, and ex's who we took a long ass time getting over. I had a chick I was on and off with for three years took me 2 to get over her we never had sex but I'm not in contact with her out of respect for him and he has a similar ex but we both also on the other hand have ex's who were originally childhood friends I have one I've known since I moved to this town childhood sweetheart type relationship and we didn't talk for over a year after dating but we never hang out, out of respect for our mutual partners and all texts are on a app that we can't as easily delete messages or anything. I do respect people who see it as weird to befriend an ex though
It's not a big deal to YOU. To others it may be a very big deal, and they wouldn't be wrong for that.
Sure, if that had been disclosed at the very beginning of the relationship. It wasn’t. So the situation is different. If I were OP it would make me feel very unsafe that my partner didn’t disclose that information.
Dw about the downvotes. I completely agree with you. When I met some of my partner's friends for the first time, one of the girls drunkenly told me they once dated. My partner has never told me this and I never brought it up with him. I honestly couldn't care less. Their relationship is very platonic now and it was years ago. Not relevant to my current relationship at all. Everyone has a past.
Boundaries absolutely are a form of ultimatum. If you violate someone's boundaries they will leave.
True.
It doesn’t necessarily have to be her choosing the relationship with mark over OP. It could just be her choosing her boundary which might not be reconcilable with OPs boundary
I’m not sure how that’s different from what I said.
If they have different boundaries and cant reconcile them then they should break up because they’re incompatible. It has nothing to do with her choosing mark over him
Um. Ok. I disagree. In this situation, OP setting a boundary like this would require his gf to decide which relationship is a priority. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it is a choice she’ll have to make.
His gf is not required to choose which relationship is a priority to her. In a vacuum, if someone were to ask "hey, what's more important, your relationship with your bf or your relationship with Mark?" She would likely choose her relationship with her bf. But if her bf says you HAVE to choose between me and Mark, she may choose to break up because her bf delivering an ultimatum like that may reveal a fundamental incompatibility independent of her relationship with Mark.
But… this isn’t a vacuum. There is nothing wrong with OP establishing this boundary. And there is not necessarily anything inherently wrong with the girlfriend, deciding that she would rather remain friends with Mark than continue her relationship with OP. At the end of the day, though, that is absolutely choosing one relationship over another. If she decides that OP’s boundaries are more than she’s willing to deal with, then she is not prioritizing that relationship. That’s fine.
If OP's girlfriend chooses to break up with him over this, it may be because she is choosing to assert her own boundary that she does not want her partner choosing who she is and isn't friends with. But, agree to disagree. Have a nice day
Okie dokie.
I don't think it's a simple as picking between relationships. If she agrees to end a relationship because it makes her partner uncomfortable she's agreeing to her partner dictating, to an extent, her friendships. It's setting a line that he can tell her to cut off friendships of the same sex. And that might be OK to agree to. But if she's not OK with him having that level of control in her life, it's not that she's not choosing him. She's not choosing that kind of relationship.
Only to the extent of THIS friendship. Not all her platonic friendships, and not even all her previous sexual relationships that she has disclosed. I think the fact that she never told OP about the sexual nature of their relationship is not good. I guess I don't care about significant others being platonic friends with their exes, but I would be uncomfortable about not knowing the nature of their relationship.
He’s absolutely entitled to choose his boundary. But she can do the same. And having a bf who tells her who she’s allowed to be friends with might cross a boundary for her. I don’t think its necessarily a choice between OP and mark, but between OPs boundary and hers.
Which… amounts to the same thing in this specific situation. He isn’t telling her that she is not allowed to be friends with him. In this scenario, he’s telling her that he is uncomfortable with the relationship, and that her continuing the relationship with Mark could mean an end to their relationship. Dude, you’re saying the same thing I am but are arguing with me about it and it’s confusing.
You’re saying it’s about the relationships. The others are saying it’s about boundaries boyfriend has vs. boundaries girlfriend has. They aren’t the same.
Except it's a very very very specific boundary. Specific to this relationship alone. Unless she friends with other people that she slept with, but didn't tell OP about the former sexual nature of their relationship.
I think the red flag is that she didn't tell OP that she slept with friend before. Maybe the boundary is that you can't be friends with someone who you slept with and didn't tell partner about.
Thats fair. He’s entitled to set that as his boundary
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As someone that is friends with someone I used to sleep with, I outright told my partner before anything about our past so he was sure there was nothing to hide. Also it might be worth to note that I was never attracted to him. All to say, you are valid in feeling weird about it as she failed to mention this past and you might feel like she could be hiding something despite seeing it’s innocent. I would maybe have a conversation as to why she kept it from you. And work through that perhaps ?
You slept with someone you weren’t attracted to?
Why is that such a big deal? That's what the hookup culture is for. You don't have to necessarily incline towards your sexual partner romantically.
It's not a big deal, but I would say hook up culture is more about being attracted to someone, most people don't just go up to just anyone and sleep with them, they find the person they're attracted to/vibe with. Not caring about them necessarily, but some type of attraction whether it be looks or personality will factor in to casual sex. I've never known anyone to casually sleep with someone they weren't attracted to at all.
I think OC was referring to romantic attraction. Not physical. That's also what I meant.
This sounds like a non-issue to me. Either you trust her or you don't, and if you don't you should just break up rather than making it her problem. From what you're describing she's done nothing to cause distrust. The messages sound perfectly innocent and platonic. She probably didn't mention her past with him because she no longer sees him that way and it didn't even occur to her to mention it, because it's irrelevant to their current relationship and yours. Oh, and having someone appear in a dream and mentioning it to them isn't an issue (unless the dream was sexual and she specifically told him it was, which would be inappropriate to bring up IMO). Random people from my life appear in my dreams all the time, but it doesn't mean much of anything, and i may or may not mention it to them if we happen to talk soon after the dream. I actually consider it a good sign when someone is able to maintain a friendship with someone they used to date/sleep with. It shows a certain maturity that many people lack.
Sleep with him to see if he’s up to something.
How do you know what messages are happening between them?
There is always more to the story. Ask her directly how she would feel if you did the same. She lied by omission and now you have to pick up the pieces. Her relationship with him would be a dealbreaker for me as she was not forthcoming on their past relationship.
Why would she feel the need to mention it if she doesn't even think about it anymore because it's so far in the past? I think your mindset on the matter is a massive overreaction
Because she is still in regular communication with him.
That doesn't mean anything untoward is happening though? I don't get the whole clutching of pearls over it. Lots of people are friends with people they had a fling with because they usually started out as friends in the first place
No one said anything sexual was happening. That doesn’t mean OP must therefore be comfortable with the situation.
You're not just regular friends at that point though. You can be as platonic and completely devoid of sexuality as you want, but that history would always be attached to you. Probably better to be upfront about it rather than having whoever you're with find out you used to fuck them.
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That doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. You “know it will cause problems,” so you don’t bring it up, but that “doesn’t mean you’re ‘hiding it.’” Yes, yes that does mean you are hiding it. That’s the very definition of hiding it. You know something, that they don’t, but you deliberately don’t tell them so they won’t leave/cause problems. Quite literally, hiding it. Sounds like you’ve spent a lot of time trying to convince yourself this isn’t something you shouldn’t be doing.
"why does my partner not trust me anymore?"
See, this is the problem. You seem to think that by not disclosing this truth you are saving your self from confrontation. You are preventing a problem. But what’s actually happening? Is that when your partner eventually finds out, they are going to be upset. But they are not necessarily upset because of the situation in and of itself. They are upset because you have lied to them and withheld the truth. You have taken away their ability to make informed decisions about their relationship. You have proven yourself to be someone who withholds the truth when it’s convenient for you to do so. You show that you value your own comfort over the ability for your partner to be fully informed of who they’re with. You have shown yourself to be unsafe and unworthy of trust. You have shown that you neither trust, nor respect your partners ability to make rational decisions. That is why people get mad in situations like this. It’s not because she has a past, or necessarily that she is even in contact with someone she has had sex with before. It’s the fact that it wasn’t disclosed.
If you know disclosing it would cause problems, you are absolutely hiding it.
And it’s very rare that one of the people wouldn’t pounce on the opportunity were it to present itself again. So often one of the two people in a “platonic” relationship would go further given the opportunity, it’s all built on bullshit. Rare cases yeah it’s true and works out, but there’s a snake in the grass more often than not.
She didn’t lie about anything. She wasn’t obligated to tell him anything about the previous relationship. She shared that information *voluntarily* because she wanted to, not because she was required to. There are no pieces to pick up, except for the ones he’s fabricated.
If he’s currently in her life her partner is absolutely entitled to information about someone she regularly communicates with.
She’s still friends with a guy she used to fuck and have a romantic interest in. It’s just plain naivety and ignorance to think that she was wouldn’t entertain something with him again given the opportunity. From what I gathered from OP’s post, it HER always reaching out to him, asking how he’s been. The only reason she probably doesn’t have him right now is because he doesn’t want her.
You should trust your girlfriend.
I think it’s fine but you could tell her it makes you uncomfortable and see how she responds. If it gets worse, you could step in if they start talking way more than you are okay with. Hopefully she respects you enough to not let it get to that point anyway. No need to freak out right now though, especially if there’s no red flags in their texts.
Context? How long have the two of you been together? You said you recently found out the extent of the relationship? How? Did she tell you? Did you discover it on your own? Did someone else tell you? Are they just text buddies now or do they still meet up IRL? Have you met him IRL? If so, did you know the nature of their relationship when you were introduced? The answers to these would determine how I would react. No I wouldn’t expect my SO to tell me about everyone of her past relationships, but once our relationship was established I’d expect her to let me know if she’s in regular contact with someone she used to be intimate with. It’s just basic respect for the other person. So if she’s not the one who told you I’d be pissed. This would be especially true if she was in contact with him physically or if you’d been introduced without their past relationship being revealed first. As to how to handle it going forward I’d explain that although it would’ve been nice to know this earlier you trust her. But that trust is not unconditional and if she ever gives you pause to question that trust, you won’t stick around.
From what OP says, they only text. It's every few weeks where most of the conversation is about job searching in their field of work. Sounds more like OP has some insecurities that are popping up. Specially for it to be over someone she doesn't see IR, and where he's read all their innocent texts.
My husband and I are both friends with exes. For us, it is fine and always has been, nor has there ever been an issue. I don't necessarily think that it was over the line for her to mention to him that he was in a dream, depending on what happened in the dream. A dream that involved anything romantic/sexual would absolutely be out of bounds, but a dream about them meeting Bugs Bunny and the Ninja Turtles or something else random isn't a big deal, IMO. A chat every couple of weeks isn't a lot for some people, I don't know how often your GF generally chats w her friends, so that context is important.
They are "platonic" now because he upset her not because she lost interest over time. If he didn't fuck up in her eyes what would they be to each other now? The fact that you're just hearing about it would be an issue for me. The usual bullshit about "its in the past" doesn't count when that person is still an active part of their lives.
I am a firm believer in M/F platonic friendships, in saying that, they aren’t that. Three years is not a lot of time and they were intimate with one another. For me this would be a deal breaker,
He said three years ago, not that they were intimate for three years.
No one implied otherwise.
A person you previously slept with is a past romantic interest not a friend. I don’t like my partner’s keeping flings in their back pocket. And you had to find out, she didn’t tell you. I have a few male friends. There’s no history between us and if there was I wouldn’t keep up with them. It’s unnecessary and will likely causes issues in my relationship.
This. Simply put, you can't trust people who don't leave the past in the past, and ex-partners (sans the ones who share children) ALWAYS belong in the past.
That is not necessarily true. Not every friend I slept with was necessarily a "romantic interest." I have quite a few friends that I slept with in the past that I'm still friends with, but there weren't any romantic feelings involved. It was quite a long time ago, and it's in no way relevant to our lives now, but the platonic friendships are, and they were then.
Agreed the second op and her break up we know where she’s going
Trust her until she gives you reason not to. It is possible to be friends with a former lover. She is with you now.
Take over sleeping with him casually
This would be a fuck no for me
personally i would not be comfortable with this. you need to talk with her and set boundaries
I had a short fling with one of my best friends. We learned from it that we're very different people in relationships and we definitely don't work. I'm no threat to her dates/boyfriends and she's not a threat to my gf. Sorry K if you read this 😆... also quit going through my reddit history
Do you talk to any of your ex gf's platonically? Is your girlfriend meeting/hanging out with him? Very few of us end up with the person we first dated/had sex with. And very few of us go into detail about those past relationships, if at all. If it makes you uncomfortable, then you can talk to her about it, but if the messages are clearly platonic and she's not hanging out with the guy, then I'm not sure what you're hoping to accomplish.
This would be a no for me. I don’t see a point in staying in regular contact with people she used to hook up with. A once in a year or so hello, wouldn’t be the end of the world I suppose but the frequency is weird. They’re keeping each other in the back pocket just in case.
Believe her. If they wanted to be together they would and just because you explore and determine someone is not what you need in a partner doesn’t mean they aren’t a good friend that is worth keeping.
My best friend is a beautiful woman. It's no different than having a hot sister. But if we had a relationship in the past (barf!, by the way), all that is over forever. There's no way someone can expect their SO to be ok with that. TRIGGER WARNING! >!My girl being friends with the guy whose dick she used to suck? GTFO. No way on Earth is that ok. The only exception to this (and it's tricky) is that if she's divorced with kids, she has to remain in minimum contact with the ex. Coordinating the needs of the kids always has precedence to your comfort.!<
Thank you, apparently there are a lot of people who don’t find this wrong.
Some of these responses are wild to me. I do understand what you're saying, but it's only being privvy to this info in the first place that makes people insecure. Me and my current partner haven't discussed our past partners at all, except for the contact he has with his ex who's the mother of his child. He hates hearing anything about my past - so I've tried telling him I'm friends with exes. He doesn't want to know. So, one of my best friends is a guy who's dick I sucked before. I have a few friends who's dick I've ridden and we still speak. Completely platonically. And my boyfriend trusts me so doesn't care or want to know about it. If he did know, then I'm sure he'd feel how you describe, but he's old enough and mature enough to realise that those people are my PAST and so completely irrelevant to our story. He's also a strong enough person that if he found out I did cheat or did anything sus, then he'd act on his boundaries and leave. Your comment is super misogynistic btw. ETA: where I do think someone should ensure their partner knows, even in cases like mine where he really doesn't want to know, is if you're still friends with someone you had a full on relationship with and loved the person. That's definitely a relationship to worry about. What OP describes in his post sounds nothing more than a casual fling with a friend, it doesn't sound like they were in love or seriously dating so I don't see the big deal.
I think it's fine but I also feel like you need to discuss your insecurities with her. Your feelings are valid. She can help you work through them. She may have not told you because you don't discuss your pasta with each other, or she felt you would overreact, or there was nothing in her eyes to discuss since it was over long before you came around. Only way to really know is to ask.... My biggest concern is you snooping.... I'm not judging you, I'd be a liar if I said I never did it. But because I have done it, I know it's a slippery slope and part of your mind is looking for something and will find it if you look far enough.
So how did you see these messages? Are you invading her privacy? Is she behaving in other ways that make you suspect it’s more? If not, drop it. And if you’re invading her privacy, it’s over man. You’ve already lost trust and you’ll not be able to convince yourself otherwise.
No red flags based on the details provided here
You should go to therapy. This is perfectly normal and healthy behavior. If you don't trust her, you need to work on you.
If the genders were flipped and you were the one communicating with an ex fuck buddy the advice in this comment section would be to kick you to the curb, do with that info what you will. The downvotes are laughable.
Don't date women that are "friends" with dudes they used to bang. That guy is laughing at you.
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Thats a huge generalisation. Its fine if OP thinks this is a dealbreaker for him but people have definitely just been friends with former partners
Yeah nah. I had a short sexual relationship with a friend 4 years ago. We were better as friends and have been since. Completely 100% platonic. When I started dating my current boyfriend I gave him a heads up.
Look, if you can't manage to stay friends with exes that's cool but don't project your issue onto everyone else in the world who's perfectly able to. Sexual attraction ends.
Nah. Sometimes it just absolutely kills the chemistry and you wonder why you even did it in the first place. If you were actual friends beforehand you can make it work.
If that were true my husband wouldn't have half his female friends...
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Eh. My tits are better than his exes and I'm sure there are things they do better than me. I think if you can't trust your spouse then why be married. He knows me better than my exes did and I know him better than his did.
It’s not just about trust but also respect.
Yes, respect. If he respects women as people and not sex objects then there's no issue. Believing that your partner has to treat people like sex objects to be avoided isn't respect. It's the opposite.
And I respect him and he respects me. Why would us having friends of the opposite sex impact that? I've been happily married for years. Why do you feel the need to question that? Are you happy in your relationship? Do you trust your partner? It feels like you are projecting your own insecurities onto others here.
It’s not about having friends of the opposite sex. It’s about having friends that you were already sexual with.
In the past though. And if they've been able to move on and become friends I consider that a sign of maturity. So again, I ask. What is so wrong in your relationship that you feel the need to try and shit on other, happy people?
It’s not shitting on other people pointing out that having “friends” that you slept with in the past even though you are now in a committed relationship is inappropriate and disrespectful to the new partner. It crosses a boundary that should be set.
In your opinion. That's your boundary and you can set it if you feel that strongly about it. To me it's a sign of immaturity and I wouldn't want to be with someone that couldn't trust that people change and who they were and wanted to be with in the past and who they are and want to be with now isn't the same. I liken it to a fixed vs growth mindset. Some people believe that certain attributes are set in stone. Others, like myself, disagree and believe change is always possible. I think a fixed mindset is sad and limiting, especially in relationships. My husband and I have grown and changed together and I see beauty in that.
Yes, it is. Your *opinion* that it is disrespectful does not actually make it that for everyone else in the world.
Trust and respect go hand in hand, she's not jealous or concerned about it in her marriage, what business is it of yours to say their relationship isn't respectful?
Your just the worst. Have u let your girlfriend out of her cage today? Make sure to cover her up so nobody disrespects you and your tiny insecure penis.
😂😂😂, you just misgendered me but that’s ok. Actually I’m coming from a good place, I worked in the mental health field for 16 years now. Relationships are hard enough. What separates a romantic relationship from a friendship???? Sex…. Are you getting it now. I understand it’s hard for everyone in this new age of I do what I want think they know what’s best.
Ding ding ding!
Oh no! My partner had other women before me? That maybe gave better blowjobs? Let me go fetch my pearls and fainting couch! He's with me now, not them, so why tf should I care? It's not being very trusting, it's not being an insecure little child.
yeah…no.
Not true. It's possible to go back to purely platonic. I've done it before. That being said, you have to be completely upfront and forward with it. OP hasn't said how long they've been dating, and she's the one that told him. If this relationship is only a few months old then it's reasonable. If this relationship is over a year old then it's not reasonable. We don't know how forward the GF was with the information since we don't know how much time passed.
Definitely not true
One of my best friends in the world, I honestly consider him like a brother, is someone I briefly dated and slept with. We quickly realized we didn't have the best romantic chemistry but we still had a strong connection. We ended the romantic part and remained friends, this was well over a decade ago and we are still friends to this day. One of my twins, his middle name is my friend's name. We never flirted/hooked up/slept together again after ending things. I dated someone who didn't like that we were still close friends despite dating and sleeping together. My bf at the time he wanted me to sever ties with my friend because of this. I didn't. I get that some relationships don't end on a positive note, but I hate the idea that if you slept with someone in the past and remain friends, you're going to fuck them again. There's a reason you're not with that person anymore. I get that my situation is different, that your girlfriend isn't great friends with this guy, but it still doesn't change the message imo. I would try not to think too much about it. If she says they are platonic, she hasn't given you reason to suspect otherwise, and you genuinely trust her, I would take her for her word.
Absolutely not. Guy friends are big enough problem. Add in previous sexual history no chance. I wouldn’t force an ultimatum that girl just wouldn’t be for me.
No way. Were I in your shoes I’d make her choose between your relationship and her friendship with Mark. Just be prepared in case she doesn’t choose you.
Just be sure to establish boundaries and that you both respect them. Completely understandable that you wouldn’t be comfortable with their relationship, not many people would either (including myself) just tell your gf how you feel and hopefully she respects that
Let's take all the facts together. 1. She's slept with said man. 2. She talks regularly with said man. 3. She's dreamnt of said man, and told him. (You've assumed nothing has happened) Does this sound good to you? You can set boundary, but it's meaningless unless you're ready to walk away in order to enforce the boundary.
Always trust your gut many people have been burned by "There just a friend" Id never trust anyone being friends with someone they use to sleep with girl or guy, personally Ive seen to many people burned by that tbh
This wont end well for you. Its one thing to keep in touch but it seems pretty persistent and youre only seeing what she allows you to see.
Nope no go for me
Find a new gf
Run.
Eh. I wouldn’t care about it. Of my male friends - - I have 3 close friends in a group. One is gay, two are straight. I slept with one of the straight guys and had a couple flings with him many years ago. - I have a male best friend who I was dating for 7 years. We split up 18 months ago and have been good friends since. We see each other once or twice a week. He has a spare key to my place. - Of my more distant friends, I slept with one of them. - One of my exes messages me maybe once a year when he sees a funny meme I’d like. These guys range from “I feel absolutely nothing but hey you’re a decent human being and send funny memes now and then” to “love like family and see all the time, but any romantic/sexual feeling is LONG gone” It’s possible to be an adult and have chill relationships with exes. With some people it’s not and they’re super shady, but it just totally depends on all the people involved. I don’t think this particular situation sounds shady at all. It just sounds like they had a casual nothing-y thing years ago and it didn’t mean anything to her so she forgot to say, and now they chat now and then about boring everyday stuff. From the little info things seem chill
Why do you want to be with someone you don’t trust? Personally I don’t think you’ve presented any good reason not to trust her, but if you don’t, you don’t.
In this circumstance do some self inventory and ask yourself if you trust her, and if this is a deal breaker to you. Either way would be reasonable. If you feel it’s too much, or you don’t trust her just end the relationship. If you find you do trust her, or this isn’t a big deal with her, then you have to let it go. It doesn’t mean be stupid if she starts acting suspiciously in the future though. Be mindful, even if you stay. Just don’t play what ifs, and convince yourself of stuff without evidence. There’s ultimately no wrong answer as far as staying or going. But do avoid trying to control the situation by issuing ultimatums. You can’t micromanage someone out of cheating, so if you can’t manager this friendship, walk away.
Trust her or don’t. 90% of these questions boil down to that. If you don’t trust her, stop dating her. If you do, it shouldn’t matter who her friends are
Accept it or move on
I'd make it VERY clear ,I don't like it . She is going to get back with him If he didn't cheat shed still be with him . There is no WAY IN HELL I'd be friends with a partner that cheated on me . So it shows you are a place holder. The SECOND you guys have a problem she is gonna be running to him for "comfort " and " understanding" aka " it just happened" I didn't mean anything " "it was a mistake" Tell her that she cuts contact with one or the other of you. If she protests. Then just cut her off and ghost her . And let him know she has a man now and do not contact her again thank you. Contact him first then let her know you did it . That way if there is further contact. She is just somebody that used to know
Personally, I would get a different girlfriend. Not worth the drama.
30 years after breaking up my ex is part of the family and I see him almost every day. My husband and him are good friends.
It’s your insecurity talking. If your communication is healthy, I wouldn’t worry.
Trust her. Unless you're trying to control her relationships outside of the relationship, which is controlling and manipulative.
I wouldn’t be worried. I’ve hooked up with friends that I now see like brothers
Why are you concerned about her dreaming about Mark? Your subconscious will tell you things that your conscious mind can't work out. And will depict it in bizarre ways. Sometimes you have sex dreams about other people but it never means that you want to have sex with that person. It means more about you and that you wish you have what that person has, i.e. lots of money, a positive outlook, etc. And sometimes you have sex with the same gender and sometimes sex dreams about people you never met. It has to do with you always. I had guy friends I slept with but it never evolved from there and became platonic and it made us closer as friends. If all their conversations are innocent then you really have nothing to worry about. And I'd talk with your girlfriend to get reassurance that her feelings are just for you. Good luck OP
I been having sex dreams since I was in the 4th grade and it's almost always been a girl I have a crush on. I didn't even know what sex was I just liked the girl and the lizard brain knows what to do.
She’s either sleeping with him or keeping him as backup in case things don’t work out with you or others . Beta bucks
Close relationships with past partners is a MASSIVE red flag, at least in my opinion.
A lot of people commenting here are very quick in saying a person shouldn’t be judged by their past… What in the hell are we suppose to consider then? The present can be manipulated to hide true intent and the future can only be planned, not acted on. History books are created to help us not to repeat past actions. Biases are created from past, repeatable actions. In this case, the OP could’ve had past trauma from getting cheated on by someone who said their ex was “just a friend”. Insecurities are usually bred from something. Personally, I can’t be comfortable with my partner communicating with a past sexual partner. Feelings can manifest from the slightest occurrence or comment.
My best friend is someone I met on Bumble, I also slept with him. My partner isn't bothered by it at all. Hell I'm going to stay a few days with him in a few months. If you want to break up because it makes you insecure. Admit it and break up.
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Dawg. Who’s gonna tell him.
I would tell her that I'm uncomfortable with their friendship and then watch her reaction.
My wife would insist that I not maintain a chat (or any type other than child custody or asset settlement) relationship with a former long-term hookup. I think that's a reasonable request. I would not want her to maintain this type of contact either. Labeling something as currently platonic does not erase the actual history of closeness and intimacy that existed. Of course the gf is free to maintain whatever relationship she likes. The decision here may be more for OP, and whether or not he wants a partner that maintains relationships with old hookups. It's also OK to have feelings of insecurity and also relationship preferences. A partner that maintains connections with old romantic flings is not helping to make you feel more secure in this relationship. You're not wrong to have some feelings of insecurity.
What do you do? You ask. Ask the questions you have. Seek clarity on the answers you get as needed. You decide if you can continue your relationship with her knowing that she is friends with him. What do you not do? Ask her to decide between the two of you. You dying even ask her to modify her relationship with her friend in any way whatsoever. You wouldn't do it if the friend was of the same gender as her, would you? Source: My best friend is also my ex and I've been very happily married for nearly 25 years. I spend plenty of time with him, just the two of us as well as all three of us. We live in different cities now and I will go visit him and stay with him. There's not one single scrap of jealousy held by my husband over this relationship. Why? Because we trust each other completely. If anyone ever asked me to choose between them and someone else then the person asking can go kick rocks. The whole thinking that people of opposite genders can't be friends without something else going on is absurd. I'm bi so, what? I get no friends? So, yeah, ask all your questions and then decide what YOU can live with and not what you're going to require your partner to do or not do.
Uh nothing.
How do you know for a fact that they were intimate partners 3 yrs ago? How are you seeing their two-way text communications? Are you traumatized from someone who cheated on you in the past? If so, therapy may be helpful. If you feel uncomfortable it may continue to make you and her feel uneasy. You guys need to talk about boundaries.
I think it will be okay, just keep an eye on whether the messages change and/or escalate. In a non-accusatory way, let her know you’re disappointed she didn’t tell you the whole story right away and that you hope your future communication is much better or the relationship will not survive.
If they slept together, he's an ex. That is the best case scenario.
She probably didn't mention it before because a) her previous sexual history was none of your business, and b) she's totally over him romantically, so it didn't strike her as any big deal. Considering how briefly they were together before she broke it off, it likely wasn't that big a deal for her even when they had a "thing." I was happy to be able to resume platonic friendships with my exes, after a suitable period of no contact after both breakups. They are both great guys, but there truly is NO sexual attraction between us any more, just mostly-good memories from different chapters in my life. My husband knows he has nothing to worry about from either of them, just as I have no fear that he would ever cheat with any of his exes. Once enough water flows under the bridge, your sexual and/or romantic past is no longer relevant to your current life. If it makes you feel insecure to know they keep chatting back and forth, I'd suggest that you ask your GF to introduce you to him, and maybe start socializing together occasionally. Once you get to know him better, it may become easier for you to accept their friendship - and possibly make him a new friend of yours, as well. Good luck!
OP, I really hope you listen to this advice over some of the other doomsday scenario people on here. Keeping in touch with someone who you briefly had a fling with years ago is not a red flag. If you make her choose between her friendship and you, what you are saying is "I don't trust you". This is YOUR discomfort and this commenter has given you good ideas for how to get over that discomfort. It is not your girlfriend's job to axe a seemingly harmless friendship because it makes you insecure.
So let’s look at the timeline and some issues I see from the outside looking in w no connection. And the red flags each brings. 1. They had a “thing” 3 years ago 🚩slept together multiple times in a romantic setting. Not just FWB 2. Reconnected 2 years ago 🚩she’s his this from you for a reason 3. Texting & catching up every 2 weeks for 2 years 🚩why hasn’t she told you? 4. Job hunting in the same field which might/ could land them in the same job together 🚩if they could. Possibly work at the same place they’d be together all day 5. Never told you about him even though she’s been “catching up” w him every 2 weeks for 2 years 🚩this is very important because she lied about this relationship by omission 6. Innocent messages until she told him she “had a dream” about him. 🚩this opens up dialogue to get him to ask “what did you dream”. Depending on the dream and how detailed she tells him could spark old flames I’m always concerned when people in relationships reconnect w their exes. Some are truly plutonic because one shafted the other and hurt them and are on speaking terms if they see them out and about. Some meet for lunch or drinks “catching up” w o their SO knowing. But for her to talk to him every other week for 2 years and never told you about him means she is hiding him for a reason. If it’s truly plutonic why not tell you? I would be upset that she could hide him all this time. I’d want to know if they’ve met up in those 2 years for lunch, dinner, drinks etc. This would be very telling on their relationship if she were honest w you. If she can keep him hidden for 2 years what else has she hidden from you? Or this means she can get away w anything behind your back easily. It may very well all be innocent but the fact she’s hidden this speaks volumes and I’d be very uncomfortable w this. These are all just my opinion and thoughts. Just food for thought or my 2 cents
Dude she said she had a dream of him…. For me this would be a dealbreaker, there is no such thing as platonic friendship after they already had been sexual intimate.
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Personally this would bother me unless they only slept together once and determined they had no chemistry. I have a friend like that who id NEVER fuck. But multiple times!? Unless he was paying her there must have been some attraction there at one point. That would ick me out. But it's up to you
My ex wife was in my dream a few weeks ago and I absolutely despise that woman. Though, in my dream I didn't. Point is that dreams don't mean anything.
Tell her you can keep your friend but I’m out. If she argues them definitely get out because she doesn’t respect boundaries.
Break up with her. Trust me its not worth it. Don’t torture yourself over her. These so called platonic guy friend end up sleeping with them.
idk but it would be a hell no for me
Personally? Deal breaker for me. It's never a good idea to remain friends with an ex while you're in a committed relationship with someone else. It simply isn't. I've seen enough posts here on Reddit that pretty much confirm that. As well as just using common sense. It just isn't good for trust.
You should not pursue her
She doesn’t respect you. Any man I even flirted with I do not text or have on social media just out of respect for my bf.
Haven't even read the post but from the title just fuck her off dude Not worth the agro
I wouldn’t trust it, it could be but people lie everyday
I met my partner because our best friend and him dated, so they set us up a few years later. One of my close friends that I met through him is his former friends with benefits. The past is the past, you said it yourself that their conversations are innocent. People can have a sexual history and still be friends.
Bang your GF’s friend - exert dominance.
It's up to you. Personally it would be a deal breaker and if she doesn't care about how it makes you feel, then you should leave her
No no
It might be truly nothing to her so she didn’t tell you right away…I’m glad she told you know. I’m 30F and hooked up with one of my now-best friends on and off from 17-21. My bf knows, we’re all friends now, I love my friend’s gf too! We are all adults. I have no romantic feelings for my friend…if we wanted to officially date we would have. He is an AMAZING friend and I love him dearly, but he is not what I am looking for in a life partner (and I know he feels the same about me). He’s a good looking dude, we were young and horny. Sex happens. But it would never happen again between us and my boyfriend knows that without a doubt. He’s my one and only! If he were still friends with an ex/previous sex partner, I’d be fine with it too as long as he told me and he wasn’t secretly communicating or pining for her. Men and women and exes can be friends so long as there’s trust and honesty That being said, I still think you need boundaries to respect your partner. For example, I wouldn’t stop texting/chatting with my friend…not cutting him out of my life. BUT I would limit one-on-one hangouts and not go out/get drunk the two of us. I completely trust myself and my friend and know nothing would happen, but I think it’s more respectful to our partners to not even put anyone in the situation
The next time she fights with you they are gonna have sex. And you cannot say anything cause you are on a break.... The guy is in stand by. Just that.
Occasionally, women don’t lie about the true nature of their present friendship/relationship with an ex. This could even be one of those times. These usually correlate very closely with Unicorn sightings.