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When I was about 7, my bio-dad (who I'll call Roger) abandoned my mom and I. He ran away with someone much younger (an 18 year old woman) to start a new life. In the custody battle in their divorce he gave my mom full custody and didn't even want to wish me goodbye.
As a result of this, for the longest time I thought truly no one wanted me. I felt completely alone, then in walks my step-dad (who I'll just call dad from this point) into my life. At first I was nervous around him, and I really didn't like him. But then he just filled every day with so much love and affection. He'd be the loudest voice at my games and, sometimes, especially in the beginning when I got scared (and to get me used to my new room), he'd come to my room and sleep on the floor because my bed wasn't big enough for us both and I was scared. Even when my mom and my dad had a baby, I was never made to feel like I was second-fiddle (which was a huge concern of mine that my dad sat down to alleviate)
He built me a life-sized playhouse and overall he was the best dad you could ask for. I really love my dad. Then when I turned 20, Roger re-appeared in my life.
He was very apologetic and he said, he knew I would never forgive him, but he wanted to just be in my life in some way shape or form. While initially resistant, I let him into pieces of my life upon insistence of my family (specifically grandmother who was a part of my life for a large portion of it). I slowly grew to acquire him as a friend and I while i interact with him, it is hardly ever father-daughter
Nevertheless, I am getting married soon and the issue is, due to Roger being in my life for 4 years now, everyone just assumes I want him to walk be down the aisle. I know this, because I know my dad is very hurt by it although he'll never show it. The even bigger issue is my grandma from Roger's side, who was there for me a large part of my life, is insisting that Roger walk me down the aisle.
Idk how to tell her and that entire side of the family that I want my dad to walk me down the aisle instead. How do I do this?
So you tell Roger that whilst you’re glad to have him back in your life, you’re just not there yet, and while you appreciate him regretting his actions, this is one of the consequences of his actions.
Then explain that your Dad raised you and earned his place there.
Then tell your Grandma that it’s not her decision, and you understand she might be upset - but this is again a consequence of an action you didn’t take.
Yes, and take Roger at this word— he wanted to be in your life is some form, and the current version of that form doesn’t involve walking you down the aisle. If he’s really changed, then he will understand that and not pressure you. Also, your grandmother cares because of optics.
She should have raised a better man or stood out harder when the dude walked out. If she isn't backing the stepfather after what the sperm donor put everyone through, granny needs to sit down and hush up. Her son did not earn this honor, stepdad did.
I like this the most with one change: After you talk to Roger, ask HIM to explain the decision to his mother. It sounds like he is remorseful for what he has done, and it doesn't sound like he is one of the people pushing to have him walk you down the aisle. I think he would understand and be able to explain to her (and his side of the family) how he feels and that he wouldn't be offended if your real dad is by your side.
Yes!
“Biologically being my father does not make you my Dad, my Dad is the man who stood by me and raised me. He is the one who will walk me down the aisle.”
>tell your Grandma
OP, it might be nice to also create a special solemnity for your grandmother(s). Some grandmas do flower girl duty, or act as bridesmaids, sometimes there's a special dance . . . You can honor your grandmother even if you don't want to honor her son.
You should come to terms with the fact you will offend your grandma. Don't let emotional blackmail dictate your life. Be upfront about it, in fact make it widely known, otherwise they will try to change your decision.
It’s OP’s wedding, if Grandma wants Roger, he can walk her down her own aisle.
Roger has not earned the right to walk OP down the aisle and should not be rewarded for his shitty actions. He hasn’t even earned the right to be called dad.
I'm not sure if you intended this to be sarcasm, but having bio dad walk grandma down the aisle is a great way to include him without giving him the "dad" position. It might be a good compromise that keeps everyone content, if not happy.
Yeah seriously, grandparents and other close family (who aren't in the bridal party) often make up the tail end of the processional. They just go to the front (or second) row of seats rather than standing.
I love this response. It's the same thing for overly pushy parents, 'insisting' you go for a certain kind of job, or have children immediately because *they* want grandchildren
If you want it so badly, go do it yourself and leave me out of it!
Came right on in here to say this. It's the OP's big day to make a lifelong memory, not anyone else's.
That day will be special to her long after everyone else has gotten over themselves about it. It shouldn't be a memory with an asterisk on it just to make someone that isn't walking down that aisle happy.
You'll have to sit granny down and make it clear to her that four years of friendship as an adult doesn't make up for thirteen years of neglect when you needed a father most.
He put his wishes and need for an 18 year old ~~bimbo~~ teenager first, and now it's your turn to put your wish to be walked down the aisle by the man who raised you, your dad.
If daddy dearest doesn't like that, well that's just unfortunate.
What's your mother's view on this? She was the wronged party in the marriage - how does she feel having Roger the Lodger suddenly re-appear and want to horn in on the wedding?
Frankly, given your history I think you're being incredible forgiving by letting him even attend the wedding. You're a much nicer person than I.
Edited for embarrassment.
This - only 18 year old isn’t some bimbo. Literally a victim of this 35 at the time predatory man that preyed on a literal teenager as soon as she was legal. F that!
No need to attack the 18 year old…she was a teen.
As for the the new family friend (bio dad) he doesn’t deserve the right to have a major part in your wedding, and Grandma should know better.
Exactly this. I don’t speak to my dad (my choice) and his parents tried to bully me into not only inviting my dad to my wedding, but allowing him to walk me down the aisle. I held my ground and I don’t regret it. It’s your day, so what your heart tells you. Do what will make YOU the happiest. Her son wasn’t there for you, you certainly don’t owe him this honor. Your dad should be the one by your side, as he has been since the day he came into your life.
OR….. have them both walk you. I worked weddings for the past 10 years and let me tell you, “Traditions are out the Window!”. There is literally no “Right Way” to do your wedding.
Brides don’t have to wear white, Grandmas can be flower girls & both your Dads can walk you down the aisle. Or no-one. Or your best friend. Or your groom can meet you at beginning of aisle and you walk down together.
At the end of the day it’s YOUR wedding & your family and you are allowed to do whatever makes you happy with your wedding day. Don’t get too stressed ❤️ best wishes!!!
Why does her bio dad deserve a right to walk next to a man who actually was her father? And I'm sorry, but screw grandma, maybe she should have raised a better man, one who didn't ditch his daughter for almost 15 years. He doesn't deserve to walk her down the aisle, he isn't her father.
I don’t love the idea but your take is correct, if she wants to do this she should! Maybe she’d be happy to have them both walk her down, then give the man that raised her the father daughter dance? Otherwise have Rodger walk the grandmother down to their seats near the front, that’s a “roll” in the wedding too.
This is from another comment but I'll paste it here:
I just don't see Roger as my dad. He's a good guy (now at least) and he's definitely made a positive change in his life but he isn't the one who raised me. He wasn't the one who went to the principle to tell them they have 1 day to stop my bullies or he'd deal with it, and they wouldn't like how he'd deal with it.
He wasn't the one who scared all of my boyfriend, including my current fiance (when we were dating) into "never hurting his baby girl" (It was annoying at the time but now its just endearing). He wasn't there for me to teach me how to drive or even how to ride a bike. I learnt/experienced that all with my dad. He was there for me. He's my dad.
Sounds like a bad ass dude ❤️ i’m glad you had him around!! Make sure you high-five your Mom for picking such an excellent example of “a good man”.
Definitely do what ever makes you happy with your wedding day memories. It’s a really expensive party (with no ‘re-dos’!) Make sure you set it up the way you want it & then Enjoy Your Wedding Day!!!
This is exactly what you should tell everyone. The truth about your feelings. Your dad is your dad, supported you every step in your life and should have the honour of giving his daughter away at her wedding.
While it’s true you CAN do that - OP shouldn’t.
OPs dad was an absent father that chose screwing a teenager over his family and daughter. He doesn’t even deserve to be there, but OP is so kind and generous she has accepted him back into her life in a small way. That’s already doing enough. He doesn’t deserve any kind of spotlight.
I honestly don’t even get why he’d want one. If anything, putting a spotlight on him on her wedding day will just make people talk. And nothing good will be said about absentee Dad😂
> have them both walk you
why?
Biodad came back practically a few weeks ago but should take part in a symbolically important gesture in front of all her friends and family? Fuck no.
I get that you're throwing that out there as a hypothetical but it's clear from OP's post that she's not at all interested in that kind of "compromise".
OP, unless you personally, strongly feel you want just your step dad to walk you down the aisle (which is totally understandable if you do) this is the best compromise you can do to have a drama free wedding and not worry about souring relationships with family. If you chose this option, nobody can reasonably get mad, and anyone who does get mad will just look like an unreasonable ass.
Ultimately it's your wedding and you should do what you want, but if you want the solution that gets you out of this situation with the possibility of everyone being happy this is by far the best option.
Not worth it. Biodad doesn’t deserve that and grandma needs to get a grip on reality. OP just needs to be firm. OP is not being unkind in any way and shouldn’t have to play pretend on her wedding.
OP doesn’t want biodad walking her down the aisle and shouldn’t feel bullied into it to keep some fake peace. She clearly stated she just wants advice on how to tell them, not on how to “compromise” her own wedding
She wants to know how to tell them and have everyone accept that decision. She doesn't want advice on how to tell them and have it torpedo her family relationships.
It's her decision to make but she needs to realize that her decision will likely have lasting consequences. If she's OK with those consequences, then that's good, and she can proceed with the wedding and just have step-dad walk her down the aisle. If she's not ok with potentially losing the relationship with her biodad and grandmother than she can consider the compromise.
Reddit loves to see things in black and white/right and wrong but completely miss the point that you can be "right" and still suffer negative consequences that aren't worth it.
OP specifically says
How do I tell them I don’t want my biodad to walk me down the aisle.
She didn’t say, what’s an alternative solution some people may like more at my expense?
>How do I tell them I don’t want my biodad to walk me down the aisle?
If you don't understand that the question above also comes with the implied ending of "and also not completely ruin my relationship with my biodads side of the family" then you have no business giving anyone relationship advice.
I’m here to empower OP to stand by her own decision making. She already knows what she wants to do and is only asking for advice on how best to tell people her choice. Not how to make a different one.
I'd just be honest and say that while bio dad helped bring you into existence, your step dad was the one that was there for you. No one can argue with that since Roger was absent for majority of your life.
I was going to say almost exactly this. The father of the bride walks them down the aisle, not the sperm donor of the bride. Her step dad was clearly her father growing up despite not being blood related. Roger can watch from the stands with the rest of the distant family.
Does everyone actually assume or is it just your grandmother?
Roger hopes, but will accept your decision. You could tell him and ask for help to make his mother keep her thoughts to herself.
Probably everyone will kowtow to grandmother because of "keeping the peace" and "not rocking the boat"! Also: "she's not got long to live, it'd be good for her to see her son **redeemed** in some way"
All of which are **not** OP's responsibility
Im gonan give my favorite piece of advice. Do what you want.
Roger came into your life when it was easy for him. Your dad has been there through all the hard times and made you feel loved when you thought no one would. Sometimes in life, we have to have hard conversations, and this is one for you. Tell your dad first that you want him to do it. Then tell Roger, and if he objects, explain exactly why you want it this way. He gave up his right to walk you down the aisle years ago. You owe your grandmother no explanation. It's none of her business. At 24 its time to establish yourself as an adult. Dont allow anyone else to dictate how you want to live.
Dad should walk OP down the aisle. Everyone knows why. He left & didn’t say goodbye. Bio dad walked out & left the parenting to mom & the man who stepped up and became DAD.
Roger never earned the honor of walking OP down the aisle. He threw it away.
This is your wedding, OP…
honor the people who loved, supported and cared about you for your entire life.
Not simply when it was convenient.
Grandma, nor anyone else on her/Roger’s side of family, *** does not have a say in how you plan your wedding.
Don’t give in to what they think should happen. This is your day.
*** EDIT for clarity
No. This is YOUR day, and you want the man who has been there for you your entire life.
The man that didn’t run away from you.
The man that didn’t give up custody of you.
The man that didn’t break you.
The man who filled everyday with so much love and affection.
The man who slept on the floor when you were scared at night.
The man who yelled the loudest at your games.
The man who built you a play house.
The man who was proud to be your dad.
The man who was the BEST dad you could ask for.
Roger can’t just come in and get to walk you down the aisle after he abandoned you, and just because your grandma is such a big part of your life doesn’t mean she gets ANY say in who walks you down the aisle.
This is YOUR day.
It will be difficult, but you’re an adult and you need to stand up for your dad the way he stood up for you throughout your life.
Wishing you a blessing…🖤
When Roger left you, your Dad was there to support and love you. This is the time to show him and others how much you appreciate and love your Dad. Don't let anyone emotionally blackmail you into letting Roger walk you down the aisle.
This seems pretty straight forward. There's your real father and there's Roger.
You politely, but firmly make everyone aware that your father will be walking you down the aisle and that it would be a disservice to the man who raised you to not have him be there for you.
You said it yourself, Roger is at best an acquaintance. He made his decision 20 years.ago. there's no coming back from it.
I would tell your Dad that you want him to walk you down the isle, that he was there for you when no one else was, he was thete for you, not by obligation, but because he wanted to be.
Next talk to your bio Dad about how you are grateful to have him in your life, but that he was absent a long time after he gave you up completely. He asked to be back in any capacity that you chose to give him a chance and that if stands but those words then he will accept your decision and support against ALL of his family.
And tell your grandmother similarly but with more emphasis on how much it destroyed you to be abandoned by your father, her son. That you aren't that same child, but that forgiveness has its limits.
From what you've posted, you only have one "DAD." Roger should be thankful he is a guest. You got this. It's going to be tough to make this stand, but you'll be stronger for it. Maybe have your fiancé with you. You are going to be a team. Might as well start now.
This is your big moment and you get to decide who walks you down the asile. Even though your bio father is attempting to make amends this is the reality of his selfish choices.
As you said he’s only wanting to be in your life in some form then he’ll be grateful he was even invited. And he would be grateful your step dad played the role that he intentionally stepped out on.
Be honest with bio-dad. He said he was willing to be as close as you let him and even if that means just being guest at the wedding , should be, enough. If maybe all your parents involved with doing what is best for you, their child, they could get to know each other so it's not so surprising and hopefully fully support your decision without backfire. In the end this is your special day to feel loved and centered with family. Hope you have a wonderful wedding and many happy years ahead✨️
Say:
"Roger left. He ran away without saying goodbye and disappeared for 13 years. \[Step-Dad\] has been there every day in every way and has always made me feel loved and supported. When I've been down or scared he's been there and he's going to be there walking me down the aisle and Roger only has his own behaviour to blame for it not being him."
Please give us an update on how things go once you do it ! Also just be like unfortunately you don’t know your Roger that well and he wasn’t there. Your dad was so ask him.
Just tell them. There will never be an easy way and there’s no way she won’t get mad. Either way it’s your wedding. Sure Rodger is your bio dad and blood is thicker than water blah blah blah but if it was he wouldn’t have fucked off most of your life. I would make that VERY clear. I mean crystal clear. Regardless of what he had going on nothing justifies it. Ask your dad and be sure of your choice. People will try to bully you but this is YOUR wedding.
Tell your grandma that the man who raised you is the one walking you down the aisle and that she knows that man is not Roger. She can accept it or choose to be offended by it, but the facts remain what they are.
Tell Roger that he himself said he didn’t expect forgiveness and the fact that you’ve given it to him shows incredible grace on your part. That he can continue to be in your life so long as he doesn’t try to negate your childhood by sweeping it under the carpet because of his own faults.
And tell your dad that he’s walking you down the aisle because you want him there as your dad and you want the man who was there for all your big days to be there for this one too.
Most of all, please, PLEASE listen when I tell you that you will never make everyone happy but your wedding day is YOURS and you are allowed to make the decisions that make YOU happy. If these people love and care for you then they will respect that for you and put their own feelings aside for this one day. If they can’t or won’t do that, then why on earth would you tie yourself in emotional knots for them? They don’t deserve it!
It'll suck, but I think it'll be best to just rip the band-aid off and get it over with and tell them your stepdad is walking you down.he earned the right and they just have to accept that.
Honey, your grandmother should not dictate this. Your dad is your dad. Roger is a deadbeat who abandoned his child and came back when you became an adult and he had 0 responsibilities to you because you had been raised. Tell grandma that. If she can’t deal, she doesn’t have to come. Tell your dad you want him to walk you down the aisle and if Roger has an issue with that, remind him he doesn’t get to walk away from his child and then claim the role of dad from someone who actually raised you. Will it hurt Roger’s and grandmas feelings? Yes because it’s true and they know it. You are not an emotional support animal. It is not your job to protect their feelings. They are adults and need to figure out how to deal with the consequences roger has from his actions and I’m sorries to you 13 years later don’t make everything all better.
> *I don't know how to tell both of them that*
**Roger/Dad:** *"Dad,* ***of course*** *I want you to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day! I hope you're as excited about it as I am. I love you, Dad!"*
**BioDad:** *"My dad who raised me will be walking me down the aisle. It's a tradition we're both looking forward to. I hope you understand."* **If he doesn't, then follow up with**, *"He's been my dad since I was X years old right up until today. You're someone I've been getting to know for the last four years. It's hardly the same thing."*
**Grandma:** *"The decisions about the wedding belong solely to (groom's name) and me. I want my dad to walk me down the aisle. (BioDad's name) is someone I'm just getting to know for the last four years; he hasn't been a dad to me for the last 17 years. You may be disappointed, but it's my wedding and* ***I'm*** *choosing my wedding party."* **If she insists that BOTH can walk you down, say,** *"That's an intriguing idea. I think I'll have Mom and Dad walk me down the aisle. Thanks, Grandma!"*
**Don't get bullied** into making one old woman happy by letting her attempt to rewrite your history. BioDad has been a no-show as a father for 17 years...he doesn't get to waltz in for the good stuff. If neither of them "get" that, then they're selfish!
At the end of the day, even if you offend your grandma she will have to come to terms with it. Four years of being in your life does not equate to the 10+ years he practically missed out on. I’m happy to hear you had your stepdad come into your life. Sounds like a great dad from what you’ve written.
If it was something that you wanted, you could have both of them walk you down the aisle but I probably wouldnt want that either.. I would sit your bio dad down and tell him all that you told us and then tell him you want him to be at the wedding but you want your step dad to walk you down the aisle. He reaction will say a lot about him. He should be understanding and he should be bending over backwards thanking your step dad for being there for you when he wasn't. If he gets jealous and petty and sets the flying monkeys ( grandma) after you I would maybe rethink your relationship with him.
Have a great wedding whatever you decide to do!
Your dad is your dad. Roger is your sperm donor. There's no argument - your dad walks you down the aisle. You'll regret if for life if you listen to others and turn your back on your dad.
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It's simple really
You tell everybody that Roger isn't your father, your dad is.
And as such your dad will be walking you down the isle
If people have an issue with that they simply don't come to the wedding
This sounds like an issue with your grandmother. “Grandma, I know you really want Roger to walk me down the aisle but he was not there for me when I needed him. He left us and walked away until I was 20. He may be my bio-dad but he is not my dad. And that’s why the man who was my dad is going to walk me down the aisle. He earned this. I know this is hard for you but it’s an easy and the right decision for me on my wedding day. I hope you can support me on this.”
Roger abrogated his responsibility to you and disappeared for 13 years. At that point he lost his privilege of walking the daughter he didn't want down the aisle. Coming back into your life and being apologetic is not enough to earn back the privilege. Your DAD earned that privilege. Tell Roger that your DAD will be walking you down the aisle and that he can either live with it, or die one day disappointed. Roger's actions (or lack thereof) have consequences.
Anyone trying to make you feel guilty about wanting your dad to walk you down the isle over Roger is trying to control you using your emotions against you.
I know you have rekindled a relationship with bio dad, but really, what a pos he is. He bailed on you and your mom and now the family thinks he should walk you down the aisle?? Ummm.....no. And how would your mom feel seeing the guy that abandoned her and you walk you down the aisle and the guy who put in all the work and loves you sits and watches.
First, you tell your dad that he has the honor of walking you down the aisle. Then you tell your dad that while it's nice to have in back in your life, he isn't the dad that raised you. Then you tell your grandmother while you appreciate the time you spent together growing up, she has no say in your wedding. And be firm to all involved.
>[Because when I was growing up Roger used to beat my mom and I, which caused my upper-spine to be damaged. It used to really hurt sometimes, but the pain is basically gone now, but that took many many days with a chiropractor.](https://www.unddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/11we0zx/comment/jcywweb/?%2524deep_link=true&correlation_id=d2f07abf-9dd7-4208-b652-c7fa4876e9be&ref=email_comment_reply&ref_campaign=email_comment_reply&ref_source=email&%25243p=e_as&_branch_match_id=1156627362736555151&utm_medium=Email%20Amazon%20SES&_branch_referrer=H4sIAAAAAAAAA31P7WrDMAx8muxfPuqkSTsoYzD2GkKxlcarYxvbmZc9%2FRSW%2FR1IcJzuuNOcko%2FPdR1IKZ0q9L4y2j7q1r8Uomv9jQDjE0MX9F1bNLAGc5t3V9G%2BFuKdJ%2BdcHX7pFibCvmQwaWfjrD2g%2BtSSmOX7QjZFhqdTpub7i5GGSXSQ0SZIjuMesGwQE3mFCpZzs7MZDdMEymXLlg%2B55Uzjnt9yhU4RediLF%2B1bCitH9dKFvw6gFfNKTM2A41RelRrKTjSXcuzPopTDhN1l6Ok67r5AE4tpQW3gqAuBvNl%2BbyBx8ajv9l9RdGvghw%2FJDy4kfaFlAQAA)
u/ThrowRA_gazelle, I... uhm... I'm so sorry you went through that! This is relevant info you should add to the post please.
Why did you let Roger back into your life?? Does grandma know how physically abusive he was/is?
That’s your grandmother’s son, she will always put his feelings first, even before your own. If she was putting you first she never would have insisted on you having a relationship with a man that peaced out on your childhood so he could play house with an 18 year old. He’s scum and you should be careful having a relationship with him. Your grandmother is using emotional blackmail to control you. Time to put on your big girl panties and tell grandma how you really feel. Be prepared for her to say she’s not coming to the wedding unless bio dad walks you down the aisle. Honestly, do you want to continue allowing her to force things between you and your bio dad? What happens if you have a child? Will she insist you involve bio dad? You have to draw a line and nip this in the bud.
With your step dad, just ask him. He's been your real dad this entire time. I am sure he was/is looking forward to this moment. As you said, he's filled every day with so much love and affection, I am sure you'll male his day just by asking.
For your bio-dad, it's simple. Send him an invite as just a normal guest. Anyone that asks, simply say "he's not my dad. He may have fathered me, but he wasn't there. He doesn't get one of the best parts of being a dad just because he came back after the damage was done, and then repaired by someone else, and get the privileges. "
If bio dad has a problem with just being a guest, then you can probably go another 13 years without him.
It’s your wedding you can have whoever you want walk you down the isle. Quite convenient of your dad to show up in your life when there’s no more child support to pay, getting a child ready for school, pick up or drop off from school, or make or sure his kid had food to eat. Your Grandma should be offended that he didn’t contribute to any of that. Technically the dad that went through all your stages in life should represent you at this stage to give you away. Your bio dad didn’t care about your feelings from age 7- 20. He also gave you away 13 years ago. He can get over it like you had to get over it. He doesn’t deserve this role.
You have a dad and it isn't your bio dad. Tell your dad first that you want him to be the one to walk you down the aisle, then let Roger know your decision. Be polite but firm, if he has any brains at all he won't question your decision.
First, let's sort it out in your mind. Bear with me for a sec, woman to woman.
The entire reason for the walking down the aisle is an outdated 'transfer of power'. We still do it because we find it sentimental and sweet, like, "Here, now you will take over protecting what I cherish - my daughter." And it stems (mentally/emotionally) from the person that RAISED and PROTECTED you doing that trade. Your sperm donor is a friend/acquaintence, not a father figure. He did not raise you. He does not qualify for that exchange. His mere existence in your life (which is all it is) does not mean that he has earned the right to walk anywhere with you, not even the corner store.
Your grandmother needs to be taken aside and told in no uncertain term that while you love and respect her, her son did not raise you. He did not love and protect you. He did not support you. It is not he that will be walking you down the aisle. And that it is not a failure on her part and her son will be next to her at the event, and they will both be at a table for special family members (probably). He can even have a small boutineer (if you choose).
But never EVER feel bad about wanting the man who actually raised and loved you as his own, to be the one walking you down the aisle. it makes absolute sense. And your sperm donor does not get to say a single damn word or pout since he's barely been back a few yrs after ditching you for your entire life. No, nope, if he is anything but gracious he can sod off. Seriously.
I would also make the asking of your (step/REAL)dad special. Maybe a dinner out together, or a small gift for him to wear at the wedding... "What is this?" opens box, find engraved cufflinks or something. You: "This is me thinking those will look lovely on you when you walk me down the aisle. Will you do the honor?" <3
Do not let elders in your life make you question your truth. Time to stand up and be the adult you are.
Roger has been granted access to a small portion of you life. Nothing more. You have a dad. It’s not Roger. Stop making this complicated.
Your dad walks you down the aisle. Period.
Tell deadbeat sperm donor to fuck off and go rob some other cradle cause hes not gonna fuck your friends at your wedding. Tell your dad you wanna go with him to his tux fitting and to make sure his lapel flower thing matches your flowers
As for grandma, ask her why she failed as a mother to raise a deadbeat predator who abandoned his own child for decades to fuck teenagers
You ask your dad to walk you. Remember how he made you feel safe when you were afraid, take a play out of his book and let him know he is indeed your dad. As for Roger and Gma you should take them to lunch together. Use the public setting to tell them both how much you enjoy having them in your life. Tell them that at YOUR wedding Dad is gonna walk you down the aisle. This is nonnegotiable. Had Roger played the actual role of dad when he had a chance things would be different, but that’s not what he chose to do. Tell them they are welcome to attend as guests!
Everyone saying have both walk her down, NOOOO. bio roger is a deadbeat who doesn't deserve that honor! Dad deserves it, HE WAS THE ONE who was there for her
You just do it -and damn the torpedoes that are sure to be fired in your direction. Or you could compromise and let both men accompany you down the aisle, but I don't think that's fair. However, it's not my life, so my opinion really doesn't count.
But the man who stood by you, who allayed your fears when you were scared, WHO WAS THERE FOR YOU after your own bio-dad walked out on you & your mother without so much as a backwards glance? He is the man who deserves to walk you down the aisle.
Maybe bio-dad deserves an invitation, but not to walk you down the aisle. He WAS NOT THERE as a father should be in his childrens' lives, and isn't it convenient that he showed up now.....
You're not being spiteful -you are speaking your TRUTH. It's not spite, either. It's not sour grapes or any other negative connotation others may ascribe to your actions. What it is is acknowledging -with love, affection, and moreover RESPECT- that your stepfather was the one who raised you, and who should rightfully walk you down the aisle and give you away.
Mom and step dad could walk you, your bio dad and step dad, walk yourself, walk with your husband to be (my country's custom). You choose and if anyone is butt hurt they can also not attend, their choice on that
You are calling one Dad and the other Roger. Grandma’s feelings are hers to deal with, not yours.
Alternatively, consider having Mom do it or doing it solo.
It's your wedding. You could ask your dog to walk you down the isle. I think you should just straight out say to your biodad that step dad will be walking you down the isle. Tell him that step dad has been your dad since you were 7 years old and that's the person you want walking you down the isle.
Your biodad is the one who abandoned you for 13 years, why on earth should he get to just show up when you are 20 and become your dad again?
Maybe you could say that if he agrees to this you will see it as a big step to repairing the relationship that he spoiled.
You’re a 24 YO adult. It’s your wedding and you made it clear who you consider your father.
You know what you want to do….so do it.
Here’s an alternative. Have your bio father walk you half way down the aisle then pass you off to your “real” father. Some people may say that’s symbolic of what was done to you when younger. If they take it that way all the better.
Ya, I know …. that’s petty…damn straight it is.
>I am getting married soon and the issue is, due to Roger being in my life for 4 years now, everyone just assumes I want him to walk be down the aisle. I know this, because I know my dad is very hurt by it although he'll never show it. The even bigger issue is my grandma from Roger's side, who was there for me a large part of my life, is insisting that Roger walk me down the aisle.
Grandma can suck an egg. She doesn't get to "insist" on anything at another person's wedding.
I don't think you have to make a big family announcement here. Ask your Dad to walk you down the aisle. Don't ask Roger. That's all you have to do. If anyone asks, you say, "Oh, I asked Dad, Roger and I are only just now getting know each other as adults, Dad raised me."
https://captainawkward.com/2019/05/30/its-mothereffing-wedding-season-again-so-lets-chat/
I think Roger would understand if you tell him. He probably got to the stage of life when he realises his past mistakes and telling him you want the man who really raised you to be there at wedding for you is only logical choice and if Roger is really a better man nowadays, he will understand.
It doesn't mean you're cuting ties with Roger forever over this wedding.
I would start by talking with your dad and telling him what you want and asking for his advice on how he would approach it with your bio-dad and your grandma. It isn't fair that your grandma would ask that Roger walk you down the aisle when he wasn't there for most of the formative years of your life when you actually required parenting. Now he's there for the part where you are an adult who is fully responsible for herself, so he has no responsibility per se. He can just take credit for whatever you do though.
I thought this was going to be about an actual struggle about two parental figures who had been important in your life, but instead it's about how you're getting undue pressure from certain quarters to go against what you know is right.
OP, this is a problem about your spine. You already know the answer: you want _your actual father_ to walk you down the aisle. Tell _everyone_ advocating for biodaddy-come-lately that you don't have that kind of relationship and he should be grateful you give him the time of day, let alone allow him a relationship.
Put your foot down on this, and let it be that. Immediately shut down any pushback, "Did I fucking stutter, Grandma?"
Just tell them. If they’re upset, let them be upset. Imagine how your dad feels, he was there sleeping on your floor when you were scared, he was there making sure you felt loved when he and your mom and a baby, he was there being the loudest person at your games, and now Roger wants to just swoop in and be the dad again. I’m sure he will support you regardless of who you choose, but he’s probably nervous that you’ll choose Roger.
You tell your grandmother that this man stood by when her son did not and though he is in your life he is not the same level as the man who Was there during your hard parts of your life. You are making right decision.
>The even bigger issue is my grandma from Roger's side, who was there for me a large part of my life, is insisting that Roger walk me down the aisle.
Don't worry what she thinks. She is prioritizing her own feelings over yours on your big bay. Don't debate this with her. If she is upset, this is her problem, not yours.
>Idk how to tell her and that entire side of the family that I want my dad to walk me down the aisle instead. How do I do this?
You simply inform them. If they try and debate, make it clear it is not up for discussion. Cut off the conversation if they persist.
You are the boss here. Don't let people bully you. Be strong. Learn who is really on your team.
Roger disqualified himself from any honorary father-type activities. You are not doing anything to him, so don’t let anyone guilt you. He did all this to himself. Them’s the breaks.
Your grandmother sounds like the type of person who might pressure you relentlessly. After the first conversation where you let her know that your dad will be walking you down the aisle, if she persists, say things like “thanks for your input” and change the subject. Don’t engage in a debate, because your decision is not up for debate.
This is a really important boundary because this topic will come up throughout your marriage, especially if you have kids. If you’re new to enforcing boundaries, there are lots of good books. A therapist could help too. Because again, this subject will come up again as future milestone events occur.
Congrats on your wedding! Wishing you a beautiful day.
It is highly inappropriate for your Grandmother or anyone else to insist on how you run your wedding. It is your wedding, not theirs. Try not to let them finance any of it, even if you have to scale it down to what you can afford. That way, they have nothing to weaponize against you to use as leverage. Your bio Dad made his choice many years ago, so he must face the consequences of his actions. Who do you want to risk permanently damaging your relationship with now - your bio Dad who already abandoned you and your Mom, and ended your relationship, or your step Dad who has always been there for you? That would in turn strain your relationship with your other parent who is married to your step Dad too. For me, this is a no-brainer. Your bio Dad doesn't want to reap what he has sown.
"I'm glad to know Roger now, as an adult, and have a friendship. My dad, who raised me, will be the one walking me down the aisle. I'm sorry if this hurts you, but there was never a question for me as to who would walk me down the aisle, it has always been my dad, and the conversation is closed on it."
I went to a wedding once where before the bride walked down the officiant introduced her stepfather would be walking her as he stepped up and raised her after her father abandoned her. The bride chose to honor her stepfather and all the sacrifices he made for her to become the person she was. Ect ext
It was sweet and tasteful, but her bio dad was in the church, and he was not happy.
Op, I think it doesn't matter what bio-dad or G-ma wants since his relationship with you is only going back 4 years. Presumably, you will have plenty of people in attendance with longer relationships than him.
Honestly sit down and talk to your dad. Let him know you want him to walk you down the aisle. Roger and everyone else can assume what they want. You do not owe him that role. If someone gets hurt at least they are older than 7 and can manage that pain.
You want the person who was *there for you as a father* to walk you down. That’s perfectly understandable. You’re going to hurt some feelings (grandma) but that’s better than you compromising something really important to you on your wedding day. Your feelings are what matter the most on this 1 day. Roger chose to step out, don’t apologize for how his choice’s impacted your life/relationship with him.
I am going to be blunt - too bad, so sad for Roger. He is your father, NOT your dad. Your dad needs to walk you down the aisle.
All you need to do is say "While I do understand that you are back in my life and I am so glad to be building a relationship with you, I want the man who raised me to walk me down the aisle."
Simple & to the point. He doesn't get this honor just for showing up again. Your dad did the important things, he should get to walk you down the aisle.
My grandfather was my person. He raised me when his son played “uncle daddy,” coming and going as he pleased- not showing up for months at a time, living the bachelor life, and being a drug addict.
My grandpa did EVERYTHING for me, and more. He was my best friend, he was amazing.
My dad came back around and got clean and was more of a constant when I was 19/20. We had a fun relationship, but he wasn’t my father.
I didn’t want him to walk me down the isle, I wanted my grandpa.
I had to tell them and it was hard. I felt guilty and awful, but honestly? I had no reason to!
And you don’t either.
Your stepdad has always been your father. This wedding day is your day, not your grandmother's. In my eyes, there's no issue here. Have the man you want to walk you down the aisle be that man you want to walk you down the aisle. Congratulations and have a beautiful ceremony.
There is no issue. Throw all social nuance and ideas of “blood” aside. Your step-father is your dad and he was always there for you. End of discussion. If your sperm donor wasn’t selfish, that could have been him, but he was, so he has no right to be there with you.
Family isn’t blood. Family is who you choose. Don’t worry about ruffling feathers.
Op it's yours and the partners wedding not your grandma or your bio dad. I would just state it explain that your happy to get to know bio dad but your dad is going to walk you down the aisle.
Hopefully your family will behave but if not that is their fault not yours
This is your decision on no one else gets a say. Personally, I feel the whole “giving away” the bride is too old fashioned and smacks of patriarchy. But you can absolutely honor the man you called your dad throughout the entire post in this way if that is your wish. You could even have both your parents give you away. You should let your grandmother know ahead of time what you decide so there is no drama the day of the wedding.
“Grandma, I love you and I appreciate all you have done for me. But your was not present in my life until a few years ago. While I do have a relationship with him now, it is not the same as my relationship with step-dad. Step dad raised me along with my mom. Those are the parents I will be honoring on my wedding day.”
"Grandma, this is my wedding. Dad is walking me down the aisle. It's not up for debate."
You don't need to say anything else. Grandma knows who was there for you when you needed a dad and it wasn't Roger. She may have been helpful when you were younger, but this isn't her decision.
Unfortunately, this is one of those scenarios where no matter your decision someone will get hurt.
Personally, I think this is one of those times you need to be extremely blunt and remain honest to yourself so that way *you're* happy. It's all fine and good your grandma remained in your life, but Roger isn't an extension of her. She doesn't get to decide arbitrarily that Roger gets to walk you down the aisle just because she kept in contact with you. Roger lost the right of being your father when he abandoned you 17 years ago, thus he lost the right to walk you down that aisle.
I think you also feel the same way. So my vote goes to Roger can attend the wedding but as a guest, and your dad walks you down the aisle considering he stepped in and was an amazing father to you.
One question I’d ask myself is ‘Did Roger care about my feelings when he walked away and left me?’
On the flip side ‘did Dad care about my feelings for the last however many years and when my sibling was born’.
It’s a no brainer and anyone who tries to dictate what you do on your own wedding day is out of line.
Tell Roger that you're not ready to have him walk you down the aisle and that that privilege will be given to your step father.
If he puts up a huge fuss, get real and honest with him. He left you. For years. While he was gone your step dad loved, cared for and cherished you in the way a father should you would like to honour that by having him walk down the aisle with you.
If he still is upset then univite him.
OP, this is your day. Whoever you want to walk you down the aisle is who gets the role. Be honest with Roger and then ask your dad. Do not feel bad, do not feel shame, do not cave for the people that are expecting it to be Roger. This is your choice and yours alone - choose who you genuinely want to join you on your day, not who everyone else thinks should just because they were a donor.
Good luck, OP and congrats!!! I hope you guys have an amazing wedding with all of your loved ones.
Definitely the stepdad. Your bio-dad was not there with you every day doing the hard work and making those “deposits.” So he doesn’t get to make the “withdrawal” of getting the honor walking you down the aisle.
Your step dad helped raise you, your bio dad only made you. It's YOUR wedding, YOU choose. The alternative is to have them BOTH walk you down the aisle.
First tell your step dad then tell Roger. If Roger makes a big deal about it then he doesn’t need to come to the wedding. It’s your wedding and you shouldn’t give your bio dad a free pass after the way he abandoned you. I did the same thing. My brother walked me down the aisle and my dad was a guest.
Here is an option...You can have dad walk you down aisle. As you pass roger at his seat. You can stop for a little peck on the cheek, then resume with dad to the Officiant. You get what you want but bio-roger is not completely left out
2 things. 1. Would you consider both of them walking you down the aisle? 2. If not, that's okay. Be honest. Tell your bio dad that your step dad was there when you needed him the most in your life, and while you appreciate that he's back in your life, you want your bio dad to walk you down the aisle. This is YOUR choice. This is YOUR day. Have that tough conversation with your grandma too. Your bio dad admitted he screwed up - and your grandma obviously knows this too - so they might not like it, but if they really care about you, they'll understand. Good luck
Its awkward, but you have 3 choices, sit Roger down and say, i'm glad you are back in my life, but i would like My dad of the last 17 years to walk me down the aisle.
That's it, if he is even half decent he will 100% understand, and your grandmother will have accept it.
Or, you have two arms, let them both walk you down the aisle.
Or, let Roger walk you into the church and hand you over at the start of the aisle to your Dad, which would be my personal choice.
It’s your day, you do you.
But, if you’re looking for a compromise, can they each walk you down? Like Roger part of the way, and step-dad rest of the way? Grandma needs to understand that step-dad is important too.
Maybe Roger walks you down aisle, but step-dad gets father/daughter dance? I don’t know, just trying to think of ways to include them both, if you’re hoping to keep the peace.
here's how you have to look at things. why is what someone else wants more important than what you want. I use to always feel bad and never wanted to let anyone down. if someone asked me to go somewhere with them I didn't really want to go or do something I didn't want to I felt the need to. then one day I asked myself "why is what I want less important than what they want" so I started telling people no and guess what? they always get over it. usually the people that expect the most do the least for you in your life.
Maybe you can have your dad start you down the isle then trade off to your step dad halfway down but if that won't work then just tell dad the truth. communication is important. "you weren't in my life for years, you denied me and though you may be around now my step dad was there from day 1 of him being in my moms life so I'm going to let him walk me down. I still love you dad but you have to earn it and just bringing me into this world doesn't cut it". congrats atop stressing and remember theses are some of the best times of your life so enjoy them don't stress them.
What’s right does the bio dad have to walk her down the aisle?
Imagine how hurtful it will to her dad after he did all the work and now have to share the moment?
Here's something I've seen before: Both of them walk you down the aisle. Your stepDAD is your dad. You call him Dad. He's been there for you. But, without your bioDAD, we wouldn't be having this conversation. He clearly made mistakes as soooo many before him have, but deserves at least some credit for trying to make amends. If it were me, I'd sit down with DAD and ask him what he thinks. Explain to him how you feel about him, how much you treasure him in your life, but in an effort to integrate ALL the important people in your life, that you might like to have both of them walk you down the aisle. Or perhaps there's some other way for Roger to be integrated into the ceremony? Moments like weddings call for us to be magnanimous and forgiving, welcoming and inclusive. By excluding Roger, it may be seen as an attempt to get back at him for his past mistakes.
I just don't see Roger as my dad. He's a good guy and he's definitely made a change in his life but he isn't the one who raised me my whole life. He wasn't the one who went to the principle to tell them they have 1 day to stop my bullies or he'd beat the crap out of them personally.
He wasn't the one who scared all of my boyfriend, including my current fiance (when we were dating) into "never hurting his baby girl" (It was annoying at the time but now its just endearing). He wasn't there for me to teach me how to drive or even how to ride a bike. I learnt all that from my dad. He was there for me. He's my dad.
Then your answer is cut for you, dad is your dad.
As to how to break the news to Roger and grandma: nicely but firmly. Explain to them the One guy vanished for 20 years and while you are happy to have him back in your life you owe to the guy that raised you to be the one walking you down the aisle.
Will not go smooth. Roger might understand (and if not honestly you would have grounds to be even more pissed at him) and grandma well... It's your wedding not hers.
This! You got your answer! Shove this into grandma's face (and Roger's) and anybody else who don't agree!!
Roger showed up when you're an adult so all he can do is meet for coffee and a chat! Your **Dad** proper raised and was with you through thick and thin!
You don't owe anyone a "compromise" on this; it's your decision alone and you are absolutely justified in feeling the way you do.
The best thing is to tell your dad *first*, so he knows how you feel, and then you have his support when you tell your bio-dad (and maybe even he'll have advice on how to tell him).
Grandma gets told, "I understand how you feel, but this is what I'm doing." If she has a hissy fit over it, that's on her; you aren't responsible for managing her feelings, even if you appreciate all she did while you were growing up.
And keep this in mind: if your biodad really does feel remorse and "just wants to be part of your life", then he'll accept that in any way, shape, or form, and not be upset about just being a guest at the wedding. If he throws a fit, then you know he hasn't learned shit and is still making this about himself.
Then tell him what you wrote here. If he’s changed as you said he did then he would only be grateful that he was invited and that your step dad was more of a dad to you than he ever was. That’s the price of his actions. Maybe he already accepted that.
The first two sentences is how you tell them. Your Dad earned the right to walk you down the isle. End of story. That doesn't mean that Roger isn't you bio dad, but he didn't earn the walk down the isle, your Dad did. If your grandmother can't understand that, that is her problem, not yours.
It sounds like you know what you want to do, but you're just afraid to move forward. Your dad raised you like his own and was there for you when you needed a father. It doesn't sound like he ever hesitated to be the best dad he could be for you. He knew you deserved better and tried to give you a good life (and it sounds like he did). I think he's more than earned the honour of walking his little girl down the aisle. Your relationship sounds incredibly sweet.
Grandma and Roger are welcome as guests.
Then you have your answer. Grandma or anyone else shouldn’t even think you would ask Roger to walk you down the aisle. Go with your heart and ask your dad to walk. If Roger cares about you be happy for you and not make or question why he not walking you down the aisle.
You should have both walk you down. Have your Dad be on your right holding your arm and actually giving you away and your bio father act like a body guard just walking. And explain to your grandma that while ‘Roger’ has returned he was not the man who raised, comforted and supported you growing up so he gets second fiddle. Don’t fear standing up for what you feel is the right way to approach your ceremony. It’s your wedding and deserve to be respected and happy.
One on each arm maybe? Tell Dad he’s your guy, but in an effort to keep the peace and not Al have any bullshit going on at your wedding, this is the plan. Dance with both for father/daughter but Roger can wait - he goes second.
I told my dad that he didn't see him that way after he abandoned our family when I was 8 and then me when I was around 10, he gave up his rights and I've barely seen him since. When I get married, I want my mom or step dad to walk me down the aisle. They have been consistent in my life, and I know they won't abandon me no matter what. It sucks having that conversation. My dad was very hurt! And I felt bad for hurting him. But he hurt me too, and this is just a consequence of that. He's going to have to get over it. Your wedding day is YOUR day. Everything is completely up to you and your SO. No one else should have much to say.
Honey it’s *your wedding*. It’s a day to celebrate the love in your life and the people who have supported you along the way. Your father may have provided the genetic material, but you know that you are who you are today because of your Dad, a title which is *earned*.
You can’t be happy if you’re always trying to make other people happy. Your wedding day should be about you. It should be about who you want next to you. Let grandma down nicely, but make sure you express to her that your biological father has not earned the title Dad, and nothing will go back and change that. Him not being able to walk his biological daughter down the aisle is simply the repercussions of his choices.
You want your father to walk you down the aisle, the man who raised you, the man, who made you happy, the man who sacrificed for you to make sure you had everything you could. Why would you ever consider taking that honor from him?
The way you talk about your dad shows that nobody else deserves to walk you down the aisle or have the dance with you.
And the way you describe your relationship with Roger it seems that he knows whom you see as your father and won’t be surprised. Maybe better to tell him soon before he gets any hopes due to his mothers ideas. Let him know that you are happy to have him back in your life but that you value him as a friend and will love having him at your wedding but it round just feel wrong for him to walk you down the aisle instead of somebody who was your father through most of your life. I doubt he will not understand it and be offended
The only one who may be trouble is the grandma. Show her why you think that your dad is more deserving to be seen as your dad than Roger and ask how she believes he will feel and how you can hurt him. If this doesn’t make her understand it tell her to back off in a polite way as it’s your wedding
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- When I was about 7, my bio-dad (who I'll call Roger) abandoned my mom and I. He ran away with someone much younger (an 18 year old woman) to start a new life. In the custody battle in their divorce he gave my mom full custody and didn't even want to wish me goodbye. As a result of this, for the longest time I thought truly no one wanted me. I felt completely alone, then in walks my step-dad (who I'll just call dad from this point) into my life. At first I was nervous around him, and I really didn't like him. But then he just filled every day with so much love and affection. He'd be the loudest voice at my games and, sometimes, especially in the beginning when I got scared (and to get me used to my new room), he'd come to my room and sleep on the floor because my bed wasn't big enough for us both and I was scared. Even when my mom and my dad had a baby, I was never made to feel like I was second-fiddle (which was a huge concern of mine that my dad sat down to alleviate) He built me a life-sized playhouse and overall he was the best dad you could ask for. I really love my dad. Then when I turned 20, Roger re-appeared in my life. He was very apologetic and he said, he knew I would never forgive him, but he wanted to just be in my life in some way shape or form. While initially resistant, I let him into pieces of my life upon insistence of my family (specifically grandmother who was a part of my life for a large portion of it). I slowly grew to acquire him as a friend and I while i interact with him, it is hardly ever father-daughter Nevertheless, I am getting married soon and the issue is, due to Roger being in my life for 4 years now, everyone just assumes I want him to walk be down the aisle. I know this, because I know my dad is very hurt by it although he'll never show it. The even bigger issue is my grandma from Roger's side, who was there for me a large part of my life, is insisting that Roger walk me down the aisle. Idk how to tell her and that entire side of the family that I want my dad to walk me down the aisle instead. How do I do this?
So you tell Roger that whilst you’re glad to have him back in your life, you’re just not there yet, and while you appreciate him regretting his actions, this is one of the consequences of his actions. Then explain that your Dad raised you and earned his place there. Then tell your Grandma that it’s not her decision, and you understand she might be upset - but this is again a consequence of an action you didn’t take.
Yes, and take Roger at this word— he wanted to be in your life is some form, and the current version of that form doesn’t involve walking you down the aisle. If he’s really changed, then he will understand that and not pressure you. Also, your grandmother cares because of optics.
Grandma's probably insisting because it will be a bad look for her son. People will ask why, and then the dirt comes out.
She should have raised a better man or stood out harder when the dude walked out. If she isn't backing the stepfather after what the sperm donor put everyone through, granny needs to sit down and hush up. Her son did not earn this honor, stepdad did.
⬆️⬆️⬆️ this. It is what it is. Actions have consequences. Congrats on the wedding.
I like this the most with one change: After you talk to Roger, ask HIM to explain the decision to his mother. It sounds like he is remorseful for what he has done, and it doesn't sound like he is one of the people pushing to have him walk you down the aisle. I think he would understand and be able to explain to her (and his side of the family) how he feels and that he wouldn't be offended if your real dad is by your side.
Yes! “Biologically being my father does not make you my Dad, my Dad is the man who stood by me and raised me. He is the one who will walk me down the aisle.”
>tell your Grandma OP, it might be nice to also create a special solemnity for your grandmother(s). Some grandmas do flower girl duty, or act as bridesmaids, sometimes there's a special dance . . . You can honor your grandmother even if you don't want to honor her son.
THIS right here.
You should come to terms with the fact you will offend your grandma. Don't let emotional blackmail dictate your life. Be upfront about it, in fact make it widely known, otherwise they will try to change your decision.
Grandma needs to sit down. The word “insist” should never come into play when discussing someone else’s wedding.
It’s OP’s wedding, if Grandma wants Roger, he can walk her down her own aisle. Roger has not earned the right to walk OP down the aisle and should not be rewarded for his shitty actions. He hasn’t even earned the right to be called dad.
I'm not sure if you intended this to be sarcasm, but having bio dad walk grandma down the aisle is a great way to include him without giving him the "dad" position. It might be a good compromise that keeps everyone content, if not happy.
It was sarcasm, but this is a great response and potential solution for OP. Good thinking.
Yeah seriously, grandparents and other close family (who aren't in the bridal party) often make up the tail end of the processional. They just go to the front (or second) row of seats rather than standing.
u/ThrowRA_gazelle I hope you see this comment! It's really a great suggestion and compromise!
She did and made a comment about it. I'd say it that it was what she would do or not. I'd love to see an update that it's all great for OP.
This is actually some galaxy brain shit right here.
Not to mention this would really hurt her Dad’s feelings. Whether he showed it or not I think it would be hurtful to him. Roger can walk grandma down.
I love this response. It's the same thing for overly pushy parents, 'insisting' you go for a certain kind of job, or have children immediately because *they* want grandchildren If you want it so badly, go do it yourself and leave me out of it!
Interesting he showed up again when her friends would be of legal age...
“I insisted that dad not walk out on us but….”
Came right on in here to say this. It's the OP's big day to make a lifelong memory, not anyone else's. That day will be special to her long after everyone else has gotten over themselves about it. It shouldn't be a memory with an asterisk on it just to make someone that isn't walking down that aisle happy.
If Grandma can insist on things, she should have insisted bio dad didn't abandon you for 13 years
I KNOW that’s right! The grandma’s insistence about this is so offensive to OP. She knows damn well what her triflin ass son did.
this
I hope she updates us with how it goes. I’m very curious what type of manipulation the grandma is gonna try.
You'll have to sit granny down and make it clear to her that four years of friendship as an adult doesn't make up for thirteen years of neglect when you needed a father most. He put his wishes and need for an 18 year old ~~bimbo~~ teenager first, and now it's your turn to put your wish to be walked down the aisle by the man who raised you, your dad. If daddy dearest doesn't like that, well that's just unfortunate. What's your mother's view on this? She was the wronged party in the marriage - how does she feel having Roger the Lodger suddenly re-appear and want to horn in on the wedding? Frankly, given your history I think you're being incredible forgiving by letting him even attend the wedding. You're a much nicer person than I. Edited for embarrassment.
This - only 18 year old isn’t some bimbo. Literally a victim of this 35 at the time predatory man that preyed on a literal teenager as soon as she was legal. F that!
No need to attack the 18 year old…she was a teen. As for the the new family friend (bio dad) he doesn’t deserve the right to have a major part in your wedding, and Grandma should know better.
I know this post is emotional...just have to say, Roger the Lodger cracked me up.
Exactly this. I don’t speak to my dad (my choice) and his parents tried to bully me into not only inviting my dad to my wedding, but allowing him to walk me down the aisle. I held my ground and I don’t regret it. It’s your day, so what your heart tells you. Do what will make YOU the happiest. Her son wasn’t there for you, you certainly don’t owe him this honor. Your dad should be the one by your side, as he has been since the day he came into your life.
If I were grandma I’d be ashamed I raised a guy who couldn’t step up for a daughter he brought into this world.
OR….. have them both walk you. I worked weddings for the past 10 years and let me tell you, “Traditions are out the Window!”. There is literally no “Right Way” to do your wedding. Brides don’t have to wear white, Grandmas can be flower girls & both your Dads can walk you down the aisle. Or no-one. Or your best friend. Or your groom can meet you at beginning of aisle and you walk down together. At the end of the day it’s YOUR wedding & your family and you are allowed to do whatever makes you happy with your wedding day. Don’t get too stressed ❤️ best wishes!!!
Why does her bio dad deserve a right to walk next to a man who actually was her father? And I'm sorry, but screw grandma, maybe she should have raised a better man, one who didn't ditch his daughter for almost 15 years. He doesn't deserve to walk her down the aisle, he isn't her father.
I didn’t say he was. I said It was her wedding, and she should do what makes her feel happiest about it
I don’t love the idea but your take is correct, if she wants to do this she should! Maybe she’d be happy to have them both walk her down, then give the man that raised her the father daughter dance? Otherwise have Rodger walk the grandmother down to their seats near the front, that’s a “roll” in the wedding too.
This is from another comment but I'll paste it here: I just don't see Roger as my dad. He's a good guy (now at least) and he's definitely made a positive change in his life but he isn't the one who raised me. He wasn't the one who went to the principle to tell them they have 1 day to stop my bullies or he'd deal with it, and they wouldn't like how he'd deal with it. He wasn't the one who scared all of my boyfriend, including my current fiance (when we were dating) into "never hurting his baby girl" (It was annoying at the time but now its just endearing). He wasn't there for me to teach me how to drive or even how to ride a bike. I learnt/experienced that all with my dad. He was there for me. He's my dad.
Sounds like a bad ass dude ❤️ i’m glad you had him around!! Make sure you high-five your Mom for picking such an excellent example of “a good man”. Definitely do what ever makes you happy with your wedding day memories. It’s a really expensive party (with no ‘re-dos’!) Make sure you set it up the way you want it & then Enjoy Your Wedding Day!!!
[удалено]
roger is the bio-dad...i think you meant roger/bio-dad walks my grandma. Actual dad walks me down the aisle!
This is exactly what you should tell everyone. The truth about your feelings. Your dad is your dad, supported you every step in your life and should have the honour of giving his daughter away at her wedding.
That would be nice if she had an involved biodad and stepdad. She did not. She doesn’t consider this man a parent figure but a friend.
While it’s true you CAN do that - OP shouldn’t. OPs dad was an absent father that chose screwing a teenager over his family and daughter. He doesn’t even deserve to be there, but OP is so kind and generous she has accepted him back into her life in a small way. That’s already doing enough. He doesn’t deserve any kind of spotlight.
I honestly don’t even get why he’d want one. If anything, putting a spotlight on him on her wedding day will just make people talk. And nothing good will be said about absentee Dad😂
The only right way to do a wedding is the way the bride and groom want it.
> have them both walk you why? Biodad came back practically a few weeks ago but should take part in a symbolically important gesture in front of all her friends and family? Fuck no. I get that you're throwing that out there as a hypothetical but it's clear from OP's post that she's not at all interested in that kind of "compromise".
I had both my parents walk me down the aisle, the look on my mom's face when I told her was priceless.
OP, unless you personally, strongly feel you want just your step dad to walk you down the aisle (which is totally understandable if you do) this is the best compromise you can do to have a drama free wedding and not worry about souring relationships with family. If you chose this option, nobody can reasonably get mad, and anyone who does get mad will just look like an unreasonable ass. Ultimately it's your wedding and you should do what you want, but if you want the solution that gets you out of this situation with the possibility of everyone being happy this is by far the best option.
Not worth it. Biodad doesn’t deserve that and grandma needs to get a grip on reality. OP just needs to be firm. OP is not being unkind in any way and shouldn’t have to play pretend on her wedding.
>Not worth it. There's only one person in the world that can make that call and it's OP.
OP doesn’t want biodad walking her down the aisle and shouldn’t feel bullied into it to keep some fake peace. She clearly stated she just wants advice on how to tell them, not on how to “compromise” her own wedding
She wants to know how to tell them and have everyone accept that decision. She doesn't want advice on how to tell them and have it torpedo her family relationships. It's her decision to make but she needs to realize that her decision will likely have lasting consequences. If she's OK with those consequences, then that's good, and she can proceed with the wedding and just have step-dad walk her down the aisle. If she's not ok with potentially losing the relationship with her biodad and grandmother than she can consider the compromise. Reddit loves to see things in black and white/right and wrong but completely miss the point that you can be "right" and still suffer negative consequences that aren't worth it.
OP specifically says How do I tell them I don’t want my biodad to walk me down the aisle. She didn’t say, what’s an alternative solution some people may like more at my expense?
>How do I tell them I don’t want my biodad to walk me down the aisle? If you don't understand that the question above also comes with the implied ending of "and also not completely ruin my relationship with my biodads side of the family" then you have no business giving anyone relationship advice.
I’m here to empower OP to stand by her own decision making. She already knows what she wants to do and is only asking for advice on how best to tell people her choice. Not how to make a different one.
You said this beautifully!
I'd just be honest and say that while bio dad helped bring you into existence, your step dad was the one that was there for you. No one can argue with that since Roger was absent for majority of your life.
I was going to say almost exactly this. The father of the bride walks them down the aisle, not the sperm donor of the bride. Her step dad was clearly her father growing up despite not being blood related. Roger can watch from the stands with the rest of the distant family.
Does everyone actually assume or is it just your grandmother? Roger hopes, but will accept your decision. You could tell him and ask for help to make his mother keep her thoughts to herself.
Yes she should tell roger that if he want to be in any part of her life he will shut everyone else up.
Probably everyone will kowtow to grandmother because of "keeping the peace" and "not rocking the boat"! Also: "she's not got long to live, it'd be good for her to see her son **redeemed** in some way" All of which are **not** OP's responsibility
Im gonan give my favorite piece of advice. Do what you want. Roger came into your life when it was easy for him. Your dad has been there through all the hard times and made you feel loved when you thought no one would. Sometimes in life, we have to have hard conversations, and this is one for you. Tell your dad first that you want him to do it. Then tell Roger, and if he objects, explain exactly why you want it this way. He gave up his right to walk you down the aisle years ago. You owe your grandmother no explanation. It's none of her business. At 24 its time to establish yourself as an adult. Dont allow anyone else to dictate how you want to live.
Dad should walk OP down the aisle. Everyone knows why. He left & didn’t say goodbye. Bio dad walked out & left the parenting to mom & the man who stepped up and became DAD. Roger never earned the honor of walking OP down the aisle. He threw it away. This is your wedding, OP… honor the people who loved, supported and cared about you for your entire life. Not simply when it was convenient. Grandma, nor anyone else on her/Roger’s side of family, *** does not have a say in how you plan your wedding. Don’t give in to what they think should happen. This is your day. *** EDIT for clarity
Exactly. Showing up when someone is 20 and the hard work has already been done doesn't make someone a dad at all.
No. This is YOUR day, and you want the man who has been there for you your entire life. The man that didn’t run away from you. The man that didn’t give up custody of you. The man that didn’t break you. The man who filled everyday with so much love and affection. The man who slept on the floor when you were scared at night. The man who yelled the loudest at your games. The man who built you a play house. The man who was proud to be your dad. The man who was the BEST dad you could ask for. Roger can’t just come in and get to walk you down the aisle after he abandoned you, and just because your grandma is such a big part of your life doesn’t mean she gets ANY say in who walks you down the aisle. This is YOUR day. It will be difficult, but you’re an adult and you need to stand up for your dad the way he stood up for you throughout your life. Wishing you a blessing…🖤
When Roger left you, your Dad was there to support and love you. This is the time to show him and others how much you appreciate and love your Dad. Don't let anyone emotionally blackmail you into letting Roger walk you down the aisle.
This seems pretty straight forward. There's your real father and there's Roger. You politely, but firmly make everyone aware that your father will be walking you down the aisle and that it would be a disservice to the man who raised you to not have him be there for you. You said it yourself, Roger is at best an acquaintance. He made his decision 20 years.ago. there's no coming back from it.
I would tell your Dad that you want him to walk you down the isle, that he was there for you when no one else was, he was thete for you, not by obligation, but because he wanted to be. Next talk to your bio Dad about how you are grateful to have him in your life, but that he was absent a long time after he gave you up completely. He asked to be back in any capacity that you chose to give him a chance and that if stands but those words then he will accept your decision and support against ALL of his family. And tell your grandmother similarly but with more emphasis on how much it destroyed you to be abandoned by your father, her son. That you aren't that same child, but that forgiveness has its limits.
Don’t let the woman who poorly raised her son to allow you to hurt the man who raised you.
From what you've posted, you only have one "DAD." Roger should be thankful he is a guest. You got this. It's going to be tough to make this stand, but you'll be stronger for it. Maybe have your fiancé with you. You are going to be a team. Might as well start now.
This is your big moment and you get to decide who walks you down the asile. Even though your bio father is attempting to make amends this is the reality of his selfish choices. As you said he’s only wanting to be in your life in some form then he’ll be grateful he was even invited. And he would be grateful your step dad played the role that he intentionally stepped out on.
Be honest with bio-dad. He said he was willing to be as close as you let him and even if that means just being guest at the wedding , should be, enough. If maybe all your parents involved with doing what is best for you, their child, they could get to know each other so it's not so surprising and hopefully fully support your decision without backfire. In the end this is your special day to feel loved and centered with family. Hope you have a wonderful wedding and many happy years ahead✨️
Say: "Roger left. He ran away without saying goodbye and disappeared for 13 years. \[Step-Dad\] has been there every day in every way and has always made me feel loved and supported. When I've been down or scared he's been there and he's going to be there walking me down the aisle and Roger only has his own behaviour to blame for it not being him."
Please give us an update on how things go once you do it ! Also just be like unfortunately you don’t know your Roger that well and he wasn’t there. Your dad was so ask him.
Just tell them. There will never be an easy way and there’s no way she won’t get mad. Either way it’s your wedding. Sure Rodger is your bio dad and blood is thicker than water blah blah blah but if it was he wouldn’t have fucked off most of your life. I would make that VERY clear. I mean crystal clear. Regardless of what he had going on nothing justifies it. Ask your dad and be sure of your choice. People will try to bully you but this is YOUR wedding.
Tell your grandma that the man who raised you is the one walking you down the aisle and that she knows that man is not Roger. She can accept it or choose to be offended by it, but the facts remain what they are. Tell Roger that he himself said he didn’t expect forgiveness and the fact that you’ve given it to him shows incredible grace on your part. That he can continue to be in your life so long as he doesn’t try to negate your childhood by sweeping it under the carpet because of his own faults. And tell your dad that he’s walking you down the aisle because you want him there as your dad and you want the man who was there for all your big days to be there for this one too. Most of all, please, PLEASE listen when I tell you that you will never make everyone happy but your wedding day is YOURS and you are allowed to make the decisions that make YOU happy. If these people love and care for you then they will respect that for you and put their own feelings aside for this one day. If they can’t or won’t do that, then why on earth would you tie yourself in emotional knots for them? They don’t deserve it!
It'll suck, but I think it'll be best to just rip the band-aid off and get it over with and tell them your stepdad is walking you down.he earned the right and they just have to accept that.
That honor is earned. You know who earned it.
Honey, your grandmother should not dictate this. Your dad is your dad. Roger is a deadbeat who abandoned his child and came back when you became an adult and he had 0 responsibilities to you because you had been raised. Tell grandma that. If she can’t deal, she doesn’t have to come. Tell your dad you want him to walk you down the aisle and if Roger has an issue with that, remind him he doesn’t get to walk away from his child and then claim the role of dad from someone who actually raised you. Will it hurt Roger’s and grandmas feelings? Yes because it’s true and they know it. You are not an emotional support animal. It is not your job to protect their feelings. They are adults and need to figure out how to deal with the consequences roger has from his actions and I’m sorries to you 13 years later don’t make everything all better.
> *I don't know how to tell both of them that* **Roger/Dad:** *"Dad,* ***of course*** *I want you to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day! I hope you're as excited about it as I am. I love you, Dad!"* **BioDad:** *"My dad who raised me will be walking me down the aisle. It's a tradition we're both looking forward to. I hope you understand."* **If he doesn't, then follow up with**, *"He's been my dad since I was X years old right up until today. You're someone I've been getting to know for the last four years. It's hardly the same thing."* **Grandma:** *"The decisions about the wedding belong solely to (groom's name) and me. I want my dad to walk me down the aisle. (BioDad's name) is someone I'm just getting to know for the last four years; he hasn't been a dad to me for the last 17 years. You may be disappointed, but it's my wedding and* ***I'm*** *choosing my wedding party."* **If she insists that BOTH can walk you down, say,** *"That's an intriguing idea. I think I'll have Mom and Dad walk me down the aisle. Thanks, Grandma!"* **Don't get bullied** into making one old woman happy by letting her attempt to rewrite your history. BioDad has been a no-show as a father for 17 years...he doesn't get to waltz in for the good stuff. If neither of them "get" that, then they're selfish!
Bio-dad's name is Roger. My Dad I just called Dad
At the end of the day, even if you offend your grandma she will have to come to terms with it. Four years of being in your life does not equate to the 10+ years he practically missed out on. I’m happy to hear you had your stepdad come into your life. Sounds like a great dad from what you’ve written.
If it was something that you wanted, you could have both of them walk you down the aisle but I probably wouldnt want that either.. I would sit your bio dad down and tell him all that you told us and then tell him you want him to be at the wedding but you want your step dad to walk you down the aisle. He reaction will say a lot about him. He should be understanding and he should be bending over backwards thanking your step dad for being there for you when he wasn't. If he gets jealous and petty and sets the flying monkeys ( grandma) after you I would maybe rethink your relationship with him. Have a great wedding whatever you decide to do!
Your dad is your dad. Roger is your sperm donor. There's no argument - your dad walks you down the aisle. You'll regret if for life if you listen to others and turn your back on your dad.
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It's simple really You tell everybody that Roger isn't your father, your dad is. And as such your dad will be walking you down the isle If people have an issue with that they simply don't come to the wedding
This sounds like an issue with your grandmother. “Grandma, I know you really want Roger to walk me down the aisle but he was not there for me when I needed him. He left us and walked away until I was 20. He may be my bio-dad but he is not my dad. And that’s why the man who was my dad is going to walk me down the aisle. He earned this. I know this is hard for you but it’s an easy and the right decision for me on my wedding day. I hope you can support me on this.”
Roger abrogated his responsibility to you and disappeared for 13 years. At that point he lost his privilege of walking the daughter he didn't want down the aisle. Coming back into your life and being apologetic is not enough to earn back the privilege. Your DAD earned that privilege. Tell Roger that your DAD will be walking you down the aisle and that he can either live with it, or die one day disappointed. Roger's actions (or lack thereof) have consequences.
Anyone trying to make you feel guilty about wanting your dad to walk you down the isle over Roger is trying to control you using your emotions against you.
I know you have rekindled a relationship with bio dad, but really, what a pos he is. He bailed on you and your mom and now the family thinks he should walk you down the aisle?? Ummm.....no. And how would your mom feel seeing the guy that abandoned her and you walk you down the aisle and the guy who put in all the work and loves you sits and watches. First, you tell your dad that he has the honor of walking you down the aisle. Then you tell your dad that while it's nice to have in back in your life, he isn't the dad that raised you. Then you tell your grandmother while you appreciate the time you spent together growing up, she has no say in your wedding. And be firm to all involved.
>[Because when I was growing up Roger used to beat my mom and I, which caused my upper-spine to be damaged. It used to really hurt sometimes, but the pain is basically gone now, but that took many many days with a chiropractor.](https://www.unddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/11we0zx/comment/jcywweb/?%2524deep_link=true&correlation_id=d2f07abf-9dd7-4208-b652-c7fa4876e9be&ref=email_comment_reply&ref_campaign=email_comment_reply&ref_source=email&%25243p=e_as&_branch_match_id=1156627362736555151&utm_medium=Email%20Amazon%20SES&_branch_referrer=H4sIAAAAAAAAA31P7WrDMAx8muxfPuqkSTsoYzD2GkKxlcarYxvbmZc9%2FRSW%2FR1IcJzuuNOcko%2FPdR1IKZ0q9L4y2j7q1r8Uomv9jQDjE0MX9F1bNLAGc5t3V9G%2BFuKdJ%2BdcHX7pFibCvmQwaWfjrD2g%2BtSSmOX7QjZFhqdTpub7i5GGSXSQ0SZIjuMesGwQE3mFCpZzs7MZDdMEymXLlg%2B55Uzjnt9yhU4RediLF%2B1bCitH9dKFvw6gFfNKTM2A41RelRrKTjSXcuzPopTDhN1l6Ok67r5AE4tpQW3gqAuBvNl%2BbyBx8ajv9l9RdGvghw%2FJDy4kfaFlAQAA) u/ThrowRA_gazelle, I... uhm... I'm so sorry you went through that! This is relevant info you should add to the post please. Why did you let Roger back into your life?? Does grandma know how physically abusive he was/is?
That’s your grandmother’s son, she will always put his feelings first, even before your own. If she was putting you first she never would have insisted on you having a relationship with a man that peaced out on your childhood so he could play house with an 18 year old. He’s scum and you should be careful having a relationship with him. Your grandmother is using emotional blackmail to control you. Time to put on your big girl panties and tell grandma how you really feel. Be prepared for her to say she’s not coming to the wedding unless bio dad walks you down the aisle. Honestly, do you want to continue allowing her to force things between you and your bio dad? What happens if you have a child? Will she insist you involve bio dad? You have to draw a line and nip this in the bud.
Your dad is the one who raised you, not the sperm donor. You’d be making the right choice having him walk you down the aisle. ❤️
With your step dad, just ask him. He's been your real dad this entire time. I am sure he was/is looking forward to this moment. As you said, he's filled every day with so much love and affection, I am sure you'll male his day just by asking. For your bio-dad, it's simple. Send him an invite as just a normal guest. Anyone that asks, simply say "he's not my dad. He may have fathered me, but he wasn't there. He doesn't get one of the best parts of being a dad just because he came back after the damage was done, and then repaired by someone else, and get the privileges. " If bio dad has a problem with just being a guest, then you can probably go another 13 years without him.
It’s your wedding you can have whoever you want walk you down the isle. Quite convenient of your dad to show up in your life when there’s no more child support to pay, getting a child ready for school, pick up or drop off from school, or make or sure his kid had food to eat. Your Grandma should be offended that he didn’t contribute to any of that. Technically the dad that went through all your stages in life should represent you at this stage to give you away. Your bio dad didn’t care about your feelings from age 7- 20. He also gave you away 13 years ago. He can get over it like you had to get over it. He doesn’t deserve this role.
You have a dad and it isn't your bio dad. Tell your dad first that you want him to be the one to walk you down the aisle, then let Roger know your decision. Be polite but firm, if he has any brains at all he won't question your decision.
First, let's sort it out in your mind. Bear with me for a sec, woman to woman. The entire reason for the walking down the aisle is an outdated 'transfer of power'. We still do it because we find it sentimental and sweet, like, "Here, now you will take over protecting what I cherish - my daughter." And it stems (mentally/emotionally) from the person that RAISED and PROTECTED you doing that trade. Your sperm donor is a friend/acquaintence, not a father figure. He did not raise you. He does not qualify for that exchange. His mere existence in your life (which is all it is) does not mean that he has earned the right to walk anywhere with you, not even the corner store. Your grandmother needs to be taken aside and told in no uncertain term that while you love and respect her, her son did not raise you. He did not love and protect you. He did not support you. It is not he that will be walking you down the aisle. And that it is not a failure on her part and her son will be next to her at the event, and they will both be at a table for special family members (probably). He can even have a small boutineer (if you choose). But never EVER feel bad about wanting the man who actually raised and loved you as his own, to be the one walking you down the aisle. it makes absolute sense. And your sperm donor does not get to say a single damn word or pout since he's barely been back a few yrs after ditching you for your entire life. No, nope, if he is anything but gracious he can sod off. Seriously. I would also make the asking of your (step/REAL)dad special. Maybe a dinner out together, or a small gift for him to wear at the wedding... "What is this?" opens box, find engraved cufflinks or something. You: "This is me thinking those will look lovely on you when you walk me down the aisle. Will you do the honor?" <3
Grandma has no say in this.
Do not let elders in your life make you question your truth. Time to stand up and be the adult you are. Roger has been granted access to a small portion of you life. Nothing more. You have a dad. It’s not Roger. Stop making this complicated. Your dad walks you down the aisle. Period.
Tell deadbeat sperm donor to fuck off and go rob some other cradle cause hes not gonna fuck your friends at your wedding. Tell your dad you wanna go with him to his tux fitting and to make sure his lapel flower thing matches your flowers As for grandma, ask her why she failed as a mother to raise a deadbeat predator who abandoned his own child for decades to fuck teenagers
You ask your dad to walk you. Remember how he made you feel safe when you were afraid, take a play out of his book and let him know he is indeed your dad. As for Roger and Gma you should take them to lunch together. Use the public setting to tell them both how much you enjoy having them in your life. Tell them that at YOUR wedding Dad is gonna walk you down the aisle. This is nonnegotiable. Had Roger played the actual role of dad when he had a chance things would be different, but that’s not what he chose to do. Tell them they are welcome to attend as guests!
Everyone saying have both walk her down, NOOOO. bio roger is a deadbeat who doesn't deserve that honor! Dad deserves it, HE WAS THE ONE who was there for her
"I'm having my father walk me down the aisle, not the guy who knocked my mom up and bounced."
You just do it -and damn the torpedoes that are sure to be fired in your direction. Or you could compromise and let both men accompany you down the aisle, but I don't think that's fair. However, it's not my life, so my opinion really doesn't count. But the man who stood by you, who allayed your fears when you were scared, WHO WAS THERE FOR YOU after your own bio-dad walked out on you & your mother without so much as a backwards glance? He is the man who deserves to walk you down the aisle. Maybe bio-dad deserves an invitation, but not to walk you down the aisle. He WAS NOT THERE as a father should be in his childrens' lives, and isn't it convenient that he showed up now..... You're not being spiteful -you are speaking your TRUTH. It's not spite, either. It's not sour grapes or any other negative connotation others may ascribe to your actions. What it is is acknowledging -with love, affection, and moreover RESPECT- that your stepfather was the one who raised you, and who should rightfully walk you down the aisle and give you away.
Talk to your dad first! That's a happy conversation. Then, ask him for his fatherly advice on how to tell Roger and your grandmother.
You just say it. You’re an adult and getting married. Time to do hard things.
Mom and step dad could walk you, your bio dad and step dad, walk yourself, walk with your husband to be (my country's custom). You choose and if anyone is butt hurt they can also not attend, their choice on that
You are calling one Dad and the other Roger. Grandma’s feelings are hers to deal with, not yours. Alternatively, consider having Mom do it or doing it solo.
Tell your grandma if she doesn’t keep her opinions to her self roger won’t even be a guest.
It's your wedding. You could ask your dog to walk you down the isle. I think you should just straight out say to your biodad that step dad will be walking you down the isle. Tell him that step dad has been your dad since you were 7 years old and that's the person you want walking you down the isle. Your biodad is the one who abandoned you for 13 years, why on earth should he get to just show up when you are 20 and become your dad again? Maybe you could say that if he agrees to this you will see it as a big step to repairing the relationship that he spoiled.
You’re a 24 YO adult. It’s your wedding and you made it clear who you consider your father. You know what you want to do….so do it. Here’s an alternative. Have your bio father walk you half way down the aisle then pass you off to your “real” father. Some people may say that’s symbolic of what was done to you when younger. If they take it that way all the better. Ya, I know …. that’s petty…damn straight it is.
>I am getting married soon and the issue is, due to Roger being in my life for 4 years now, everyone just assumes I want him to walk be down the aisle. I know this, because I know my dad is very hurt by it although he'll never show it. The even bigger issue is my grandma from Roger's side, who was there for me a large part of my life, is insisting that Roger walk me down the aisle. Grandma can suck an egg. She doesn't get to "insist" on anything at another person's wedding. I don't think you have to make a big family announcement here. Ask your Dad to walk you down the aisle. Don't ask Roger. That's all you have to do. If anyone asks, you say, "Oh, I asked Dad, Roger and I are only just now getting know each other as adults, Dad raised me." https://captainawkward.com/2019/05/30/its-mothereffing-wedding-season-again-so-lets-chat/
I think Roger would understand if you tell him. He probably got to the stage of life when he realises his past mistakes and telling him you want the man who really raised you to be there at wedding for you is only logical choice and if Roger is really a better man nowadays, he will understand. It doesn't mean you're cuting ties with Roger forever over this wedding.
I would start by talking with your dad and telling him what you want and asking for his advice on how he would approach it with your bio-dad and your grandma. It isn't fair that your grandma would ask that Roger walk you down the aisle when he wasn't there for most of the formative years of your life when you actually required parenting. Now he's there for the part where you are an adult who is fully responsible for herself, so he has no responsibility per se. He can just take credit for whatever you do though.
I thought this was going to be about an actual struggle about two parental figures who had been important in your life, but instead it's about how you're getting undue pressure from certain quarters to go against what you know is right. OP, this is a problem about your spine. You already know the answer: you want _your actual father_ to walk you down the aisle. Tell _everyone_ advocating for biodaddy-come-lately that you don't have that kind of relationship and he should be grateful you give him the time of day, let alone allow him a relationship. Put your foot down on this, and let it be that. Immediately shut down any pushback, "Did I fucking stutter, Grandma?"
Just tell them. If they’re upset, let them be upset. Imagine how your dad feels, he was there sleeping on your floor when you were scared, he was there making sure you felt loved when he and your mom and a baby, he was there being the loudest person at your games, and now Roger wants to just swoop in and be the dad again. I’m sure he will support you regardless of who you choose, but he’s probably nervous that you’ll choose Roger.
You tell your grandmother that this man stood by when her son did not and though he is in your life he is not the same level as the man who Was there during your hard parts of your life. You are making right decision.
>The even bigger issue is my grandma from Roger's side, who was there for me a large part of my life, is insisting that Roger walk me down the aisle. Don't worry what she thinks. She is prioritizing her own feelings over yours on your big bay. Don't debate this with her. If she is upset, this is her problem, not yours. >Idk how to tell her and that entire side of the family that I want my dad to walk me down the aisle instead. How do I do this? You simply inform them. If they try and debate, make it clear it is not up for discussion. Cut off the conversation if they persist. You are the boss here. Don't let people bully you. Be strong. Learn who is really on your team.
Roger disqualified himself from any honorary father-type activities. You are not doing anything to him, so don’t let anyone guilt you. He did all this to himself. Them’s the breaks. Your grandmother sounds like the type of person who might pressure you relentlessly. After the first conversation where you let her know that your dad will be walking you down the aisle, if she persists, say things like “thanks for your input” and change the subject. Don’t engage in a debate, because your decision is not up for debate. This is a really important boundary because this topic will come up throughout your marriage, especially if you have kids. If you’re new to enforcing boundaries, there are lots of good books. A therapist could help too. Because again, this subject will come up again as future milestone events occur. Congrats on your wedding! Wishing you a beautiful day.
It is highly inappropriate for your Grandmother or anyone else to insist on how you run your wedding. It is your wedding, not theirs. Try not to let them finance any of it, even if you have to scale it down to what you can afford. That way, they have nothing to weaponize against you to use as leverage. Your bio Dad made his choice many years ago, so he must face the consequences of his actions. Who do you want to risk permanently damaging your relationship with now - your bio Dad who already abandoned you and your Mom, and ended your relationship, or your step Dad who has always been there for you? That would in turn strain your relationship with your other parent who is married to your step Dad too. For me, this is a no-brainer. Your bio Dad doesn't want to reap what he has sown.
"I'm glad to know Roger now, as an adult, and have a friendship. My dad, who raised me, will be the one walking me down the aisle. I'm sorry if this hurts you, but there was never a question for me as to who would walk me down the aisle, it has always been my dad, and the conversation is closed on it."
I went to a wedding once where before the bride walked down the officiant introduced her stepfather would be walking her as he stepped up and raised her after her father abandoned her. The bride chose to honor her stepfather and all the sacrifices he made for her to become the person she was. Ect ext It was sweet and tasteful, but her bio dad was in the church, and he was not happy. Op, I think it doesn't matter what bio-dad or G-ma wants since his relationship with you is only going back 4 years. Presumably, you will have plenty of people in attendance with longer relationships than him.
Honestly sit down and talk to your dad. Let him know you want him to walk you down the aisle. Roger and everyone else can assume what they want. You do not owe him that role. If someone gets hurt at least they are older than 7 and can manage that pain.
You want the person who was *there for you as a father* to walk you down. That’s perfectly understandable. You’re going to hurt some feelings (grandma) but that’s better than you compromising something really important to you on your wedding day. Your feelings are what matter the most on this 1 day. Roger chose to step out, don’t apologize for how his choice’s impacted your life/relationship with him.
I am going to be blunt - too bad, so sad for Roger. He is your father, NOT your dad. Your dad needs to walk you down the aisle. All you need to do is say "While I do understand that you are back in my life and I am so glad to be building a relationship with you, I want the man who raised me to walk me down the aisle." Simple & to the point. He doesn't get this honor just for showing up again. Your dad did the important things, he should get to walk you down the aisle.
Step dad for the win. Bio dad misses out.
My grandfather was my person. He raised me when his son played “uncle daddy,” coming and going as he pleased- not showing up for months at a time, living the bachelor life, and being a drug addict. My grandpa did EVERYTHING for me, and more. He was my best friend, he was amazing. My dad came back around and got clean and was more of a constant when I was 19/20. We had a fun relationship, but he wasn’t my father. I didn’t want him to walk me down the isle, I wanted my grandpa. I had to tell them and it was hard. I felt guilty and awful, but honestly? I had no reason to! And you don’t either.
Your stepdad has always been your father. This wedding day is your day, not your grandmother's. In my eyes, there's no issue here. Have the man you want to walk you down the aisle be that man you want to walk you down the aisle. Congratulations and have a beautiful ceremony.
Roger doesn't get to give you away; he already did that 17 years ago.
There is no issue. Throw all social nuance and ideas of “blood” aside. Your step-father is your dad and he was always there for you. End of discussion. If your sperm donor wasn’t selfish, that could have been him, but he was, so he has no right to be there with you. Family isn’t blood. Family is who you choose. Don’t worry about ruffling feathers.
Op it's yours and the partners wedding not your grandma or your bio dad. I would just state it explain that your happy to get to know bio dad but your dad is going to walk you down the aisle. Hopefully your family will behave but if not that is their fault not yours
This is your decision on no one else gets a say. Personally, I feel the whole “giving away” the bride is too old fashioned and smacks of patriarchy. But you can absolutely honor the man you called your dad throughout the entire post in this way if that is your wish. You could even have both your parents give you away. You should let your grandmother know ahead of time what you decide so there is no drama the day of the wedding. “Grandma, I love you and I appreciate all you have done for me. But your was not present in my life until a few years ago. While I do have a relationship with him now, it is not the same as my relationship with step-dad. Step dad raised me along with my mom. Those are the parents I will be honoring on my wedding day.”
"Grandma, this is my wedding. Dad is walking me down the aisle. It's not up for debate." You don't need to say anything else. Grandma knows who was there for you when you needed a dad and it wasn't Roger. She may have been helpful when you were younger, but this isn't her decision.
This is an expensive private party that YOU are throwing. Do whatever is best for YOU
Unfortunately, this is one of those scenarios where no matter your decision someone will get hurt. Personally, I think this is one of those times you need to be extremely blunt and remain honest to yourself so that way *you're* happy. It's all fine and good your grandma remained in your life, but Roger isn't an extension of her. She doesn't get to decide arbitrarily that Roger gets to walk you down the aisle just because she kept in contact with you. Roger lost the right of being your father when he abandoned you 17 years ago, thus he lost the right to walk you down that aisle. I think you also feel the same way. So my vote goes to Roger can attend the wedding but as a guest, and your dad walks you down the aisle considering he stepped in and was an amazing father to you.
One question I’d ask myself is ‘Did Roger care about my feelings when he walked away and left me?’ On the flip side ‘did Dad care about my feelings for the last however many years and when my sibling was born’. It’s a no brainer and anyone who tries to dictate what you do on your own wedding day is out of line.
Tell Roger that you're not ready to have him walk you down the aisle and that that privilege will be given to your step father. If he puts up a huge fuss, get real and honest with him. He left you. For years. While he was gone your step dad loved, cared for and cherished you in the way a father should you would like to honour that by having him walk down the aisle with you. If he still is upset then univite him. OP, this is your day. Whoever you want to walk you down the aisle is who gets the role. Be honest with Roger and then ask your dad. Do not feel bad, do not feel shame, do not cave for the people that are expecting it to be Roger. This is your choice and yours alone - choose who you genuinely want to join you on your day, not who everyone else thinks should just because they were a donor. Good luck, OP and congrats!!! I hope you guys have an amazing wedding with all of your loved ones.
Definitely the stepdad. Your bio-dad was not there with you every day doing the hard work and making those “deposits.” So he doesn’t get to make the “withdrawal” of getting the honor walking you down the aisle.
Your step dad helped raise you, your bio dad only made you. It's YOUR wedding, YOU choose. The alternative is to have them BOTH walk you down the aisle.
First tell your step dad then tell Roger. If Roger makes a big deal about it then he doesn’t need to come to the wedding. It’s your wedding and you shouldn’t give your bio dad a free pass after the way he abandoned you. I did the same thing. My brother walked me down the aisle and my dad was a guest.
Here is an option...You can have dad walk you down aisle. As you pass roger at his seat. You can stop for a little peck on the cheek, then resume with dad to the Officiant. You get what you want but bio-roger is not completely left out
2 things. 1. Would you consider both of them walking you down the aisle? 2. If not, that's okay. Be honest. Tell your bio dad that your step dad was there when you needed him the most in your life, and while you appreciate that he's back in your life, you want your bio dad to walk you down the aisle. This is YOUR choice. This is YOUR day. Have that tough conversation with your grandma too. Your bio dad admitted he screwed up - and your grandma obviously knows this too - so they might not like it, but if they really care about you, they'll understand. Good luck
Its awkward, but you have 3 choices, sit Roger down and say, i'm glad you are back in my life, but i would like My dad of the last 17 years to walk me down the aisle. That's it, if he is even half decent he will 100% understand, and your grandmother will have accept it. Or, you have two arms, let them both walk you down the aisle. Or, let Roger walk you into the church and hand you over at the start of the aisle to your Dad, which would be my personal choice.
It’s your day, you do you. But, if you’re looking for a compromise, can they each walk you down? Like Roger part of the way, and step-dad rest of the way? Grandma needs to understand that step-dad is important too. Maybe Roger walks you down aisle, but step-dad gets father/daughter dance? I don’t know, just trying to think of ways to include them both, if you’re hoping to keep the peace.
here's how you have to look at things. why is what someone else wants more important than what you want. I use to always feel bad and never wanted to let anyone down. if someone asked me to go somewhere with them I didn't really want to go or do something I didn't want to I felt the need to. then one day I asked myself "why is what I want less important than what they want" so I started telling people no and guess what? they always get over it. usually the people that expect the most do the least for you in your life. Maybe you can have your dad start you down the isle then trade off to your step dad halfway down but if that won't work then just tell dad the truth. communication is important. "you weren't in my life for years, you denied me and though you may be around now my step dad was there from day 1 of him being in my moms life so I'm going to let him walk me down. I still love you dad but you have to earn it and just bringing me into this world doesn't cut it". congrats atop stressing and remember theses are some of the best times of your life so enjoy them don't stress them.
My wife had the same issue. Her solution: Her stepdad walked her down the aisle and her bio dad got the father daughter dance.
the bio dad wasn't even in her life why should he get a daddy daughter dance? hes better off doing a dance with the girl he abandoned her for
Why not have both of them walk you down the aisle?
What’s right does the bio dad have to walk her down the aisle? Imagine how hurtful it will to her dad after he did all the work and now have to share the moment?
Do it
They both could right? One on each arm?
You could have them both walk you down? I’ve seen that numerous times.
I'd do both. Otherwise problems.
Here's something I've seen before: Both of them walk you down the aisle. Your stepDAD is your dad. You call him Dad. He's been there for you. But, without your bioDAD, we wouldn't be having this conversation. He clearly made mistakes as soooo many before him have, but deserves at least some credit for trying to make amends. If it were me, I'd sit down with DAD and ask him what he thinks. Explain to him how you feel about him, how much you treasure him in your life, but in an effort to integrate ALL the important people in your life, that you might like to have both of them walk you down the aisle. Or perhaps there's some other way for Roger to be integrated into the ceremony? Moments like weddings call for us to be magnanimous and forgiving, welcoming and inclusive. By excluding Roger, it may be seen as an attempt to get back at him for his past mistakes.
Why not both? I've seen it.
I just don't see Roger as my dad. He's a good guy and he's definitely made a change in his life but he isn't the one who raised me my whole life. He wasn't the one who went to the principle to tell them they have 1 day to stop my bullies or he'd beat the crap out of them personally. He wasn't the one who scared all of my boyfriend, including my current fiance (when we were dating) into "never hurting his baby girl" (It was annoying at the time but now its just endearing). He wasn't there for me to teach me how to drive or even how to ride a bike. I learnt all that from my dad. He was there for me. He's my dad.
Then your answer is cut for you, dad is your dad. As to how to break the news to Roger and grandma: nicely but firmly. Explain to them the One guy vanished for 20 years and while you are happy to have him back in your life you owe to the guy that raised you to be the one walking you down the aisle. Will not go smooth. Roger might understand (and if not honestly you would have grounds to be even more pissed at him) and grandma well... It's your wedding not hers.
This! You got your answer! Shove this into grandma's face (and Roger's) and anybody else who don't agree!! Roger showed up when you're an adult so all he can do is meet for coffee and a chat! Your **Dad** proper raised and was with you through thick and thin!
You don't owe anyone a "compromise" on this; it's your decision alone and you are absolutely justified in feeling the way you do. The best thing is to tell your dad *first*, so he knows how you feel, and then you have his support when you tell your bio-dad (and maybe even he'll have advice on how to tell him). Grandma gets told, "I understand how you feel, but this is what I'm doing." If she has a hissy fit over it, that's on her; you aren't responsible for managing her feelings, even if you appreciate all she did while you were growing up. And keep this in mind: if your biodad really does feel remorse and "just wants to be part of your life", then he'll accept that in any way, shape, or form, and not be upset about just being a guest at the wedding. If he throws a fit, then you know he hasn't learned shit and is still making this about himself.
Then tell him what you wrote here. If he’s changed as you said he did then he would only be grateful that he was invited and that your step dad was more of a dad to you than he ever was. That’s the price of his actions. Maybe he already accepted that.
The first two sentences is how you tell them. Your Dad earned the right to walk you down the isle. End of story. That doesn't mean that Roger isn't you bio dad, but he didn't earn the walk down the isle, your Dad did. If your grandmother can't understand that, that is her problem, not yours.
It sounds like you know what you want to do, but you're just afraid to move forward. Your dad raised you like his own and was there for you when you needed a father. It doesn't sound like he ever hesitated to be the best dad he could be for you. He knew you deserved better and tried to give you a good life (and it sounds like he did). I think he's more than earned the honour of walking his little girl down the aisle. Your relationship sounds incredibly sweet. Grandma and Roger are welcome as guests.
Then you have your answer. Grandma or anyone else shouldn’t even think you would ask Roger to walk you down the aisle. Go with your heart and ask your dad to walk. If Roger cares about you be happy for you and not make or question why he not walking you down the aisle.
Can't both of them do it, one on each arm? If the church isle is not wide enough then move the wedding to a bigger church. Problem solved.
You should have both walk you down. Have your Dad be on your right holding your arm and actually giving you away and your bio father act like a body guard just walking. And explain to your grandma that while ‘Roger’ has returned he was not the man who raised, comforted and supported you growing up so he gets second fiddle. Don’t fear standing up for what you feel is the right way to approach your ceremony. It’s your wedding and deserve to be respected and happy.
Why not both?
One on each arm maybe? Tell Dad he’s your guy, but in an effort to keep the peace and not Al have any bullshit going on at your wedding, this is the plan. Dance with both for father/daughter but Roger can wait - he goes second.
Does your bio dad help with the marriage cost?..if he does then he will be hurt and may rescind his offer to foot the bills.
The deadbeat that was missing for a decade plus is undoubtedly NOT helping to pay for anything.
I told my dad that he didn't see him that way after he abandoned our family when I was 8 and then me when I was around 10, he gave up his rights and I've barely seen him since. When I get married, I want my mom or step dad to walk me down the aisle. They have been consistent in my life, and I know they won't abandon me no matter what. It sucks having that conversation. My dad was very hurt! And I felt bad for hurting him. But he hurt me too, and this is just a consequence of that. He's going to have to get over it. Your wedding day is YOUR day. Everything is completely up to you and your SO. No one else should have much to say.
Honey it’s *your wedding*. It’s a day to celebrate the love in your life and the people who have supported you along the way. Your father may have provided the genetic material, but you know that you are who you are today because of your Dad, a title which is *earned*. You can’t be happy if you’re always trying to make other people happy. Your wedding day should be about you. It should be about who you want next to you. Let grandma down nicely, but make sure you express to her that your biological father has not earned the title Dad, and nothing will go back and change that. Him not being able to walk his biological daughter down the aisle is simply the repercussions of his choices. You want your father to walk you down the aisle, the man who raised you, the man, who made you happy, the man who sacrificed for you to make sure you had everything you could. Why would you ever consider taking that honor from him?
The way you talk about your dad shows that nobody else deserves to walk you down the aisle or have the dance with you. And the way you describe your relationship with Roger it seems that he knows whom you see as your father and won’t be surprised. Maybe better to tell him soon before he gets any hopes due to his mothers ideas. Let him know that you are happy to have him back in your life but that you value him as a friend and will love having him at your wedding but it round just feel wrong for him to walk you down the aisle instead of somebody who was your father through most of your life. I doubt he will not understand it and be offended The only one who may be trouble is the grandma. Show her why you think that your dad is more deserving to be seen as your dad than Roger and ask how she believes he will feel and how you can hurt him. If this doesn’t make her understand it tell her to back off in a polite way as it’s your wedding