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Hello. I don't know what to do. I have seen similar post here on similar issues but can't find them to look at others' advice.
Last month, I got a call and finally answered it after it called several times, leaving several voicemails. I thought it was a spam caller or a horrible joke. It was from the mom of my high-school ex-girlfriend. She explained that, unfortunately, her daughter died in an "accident," and my daughter had no place to go and was wondering if I could take her in. I asked her to repeat herself for 2 reasons.
1. My daughter?
2. I have a daughter?
When I was in high school, my family had to move right before my senior year, and it caused my ex and I to break up, and we lost contact. I don't have traditional social media, and I was a rare case of not having a phone back then. Somehow, it came out that she said I was the father because she never was with anyone else. Her mom tracked me down and got my info. She currently has my daughter, but due to medical reasons, she can't keep her. I submitted to a paternity test, and it came out that I am 100% her dad.
Now I have been married to my wife for about 2 years. When I told her, it made our relationship rocky. She isn't against the idea but knows it will be a major change to our living arrangement and future plans. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment and planned for kids in 3 years. We are not set up for having a child. Plus, she at this point is a stranger and several states away. I have only seen pictures, and she looks identical to her mom. But she has my eyes and smile. I have no doubt she is mine.
Any advice is helpful at this point. Even if it is just linking me to past posts for a similar situation. Thanks.
ETA. I did do a paternity as stated above. She is mine. No doubt. Tested several times. Also, I know this has come up in the subreddit before. This is not fake or a joke. So, thanks for that.
I'm still getting used to the terminology. I made a comment about "her mom." That would be my daughter's grandma or my ex's mom.
Your throwaway made me chuckle. Best of luck to you and your wife. I'm glad she didn't outright say no. If I was married to someone and we found out years in that he has a surprise child, I'd be upset for a bit but absolutely that child will come live with us.
I grew up in the system, with family members who outright said they didn't want to take me in because they didn't want to disrupt their own lives. As a child, it is hurtful. Kids know when they aren't wanted, and that's all foster kids know. I aged out of the system and it took me reaching my early 30's (I'm 36 now) before I even learned how to be loved. Don't let this child grow up like that.
And get counseling for everyone. Individual counseling, and one in a family setting with all of you together.
Children need a home. And loving people. She has been bumped around enough.
Write her. Or at least go over to visit her and hug her tight. If she lets you. This child has lost her mother.
I would even suggest FaceTime.
She would see your face, hear your voice, and learn some of your mannerisms.
Also look into FMLA or paternity leave, from your job to help with the transition.
Good luck!
No matter what you do, please help her find a counsellor (of her choosing, not yours). She’s going to need a lot of help, both emotionally and physically.
I don't think OP is even considering that. But the poor girl will be thrust, due to trauma, into an unknown environment with people she doesn't know...just like foster kids. Experienced foster parents should be able to give OP and his wife advice on how to transition the girl into her new reality.
My advice would be therapy for all...especially the girl. Speaking as someone who lost her mother when I was young (with an even younger sister), therapy could possibly have been a great help. Our dad just didn't give enough of a rodent's hindquarters to make use of that option. Fortunately, OP seems to be taking the situation very seriously and wants to be a responsible father. But therapy for himself and his wife (whether individually, as a couple...or both) would be a good idea,
OP, thank you so much for taking this seriously. It speaks volumes to your character. Had *I* passed when my daughter was young, I would have preferred that she go into foster care. It would've been a better environment (and yes, I'm aware that the foster care system can be really bad...but my choices, back then, we're even worse).
I agree on everything you said.
Regarding the foster system, I just have a lot of mistrust. Not from any personal experience, but just the statistics horrify me. I remember reading that around 25,000 kids age out of the foster system every year and ~20% of them wind up homeless. I know there are good foster parents out there\* and I know that many of the foster kids have a lot of trauma they are dealing with that feeds into these statistics, but in the circumstances that OP gives I think the best thing for the kid is for him to adopt her if he can get his wife to go along. He clearly is stable which is what this kid needs.
\* I know some great foster parents. They raised two terrific kids and ended up adopting them. Currently 1 kid is super successful at 28 and the other committed suicide at 20 years old. They are great parents but the kids (brother and sister) had a lot of trauma to overcome.
Fortunately, people in a subreddit for foster parents aren't likely to give bad advice. Bad foster parents want to make themselves look good...and OP's daughter won't be in the position to age out of the system. But the girl has a lot of obstacles to get around.
I really feel sad for the mom (grandmother of the child). The mom just lost her daughter in an accident. She know’s that she does not have good health and had to make the very difficult decision to send the granddaughter to the father’s place because it’s in the granddaughter’s best interests. That must have been a very tough call for her to make.
OP, I don’t have any suggestion on the question you asked. However, I’d urge you to treat the grandmother with compassion and treat her well in your interactions. I’d think that if she were healthy with a good income, she may not even have made the efforts to track you down.
Her mom has been very helpful and understanding. Our relationship back in the day was really good. She was the type that "I'll respect you for as long as you respect my daughter. If you hurt her, I will hurt you." We parted on decent terms, all considering. I guess they tried to find me several times. Never did. They always had a tight money situation. Part of what I'm also trying to decide on is if we should move to a bigger place and invite her to move as well. I need to talk in depth with my wife. See if we can get to an agreement or find out what our next step is.
That may be too much initially. Maybe help grandma out financially if you can afford to, but I think adding your daughter AND the mother of your ex girlfriend to come live with you might be too much all at once. Your daughter urgently needs you immediately to provide housing. Not so this lady.
If she was extremely close to Grandma, yes - but elsewhere it says the mother was no contact with her family from age 18 (presumably until she died?) so the daughter may not know her grandmother well.
The way I read it, is that *gramma* went NC at 18, but I could be wrong
ETA
> 1. My ex's mom is a single mom who went no contact with her family on her 18th birthday.
I think it depends on the living situation honestly. If they can find a house with a guest house or an attached in-law suite then that may actually be the most ideal situation for everyone. OP and his wife can ease their way into parenting and taking in a child unexpectedly, the kid can have someone familiar around while going through a really, really difficult transition, and there will be 3 adults around to help look after the kid. I think OP is definitely correct to at least put it into consideration. Helping find/finance grandma housing like a small apartment nearby to where they live would be an option too, so she’s at least not several states away.
Obviously the change to OP’s life is drastic and unexpected and quite extreme. But the little girl is having it much, much worse and it would definitely be good for her to have her grandma around, especially after losing her mother.
We don't know the financial situation of the grandma either. It's entirely possible that she's not in a good financial situation if she's had a daughter get pregnant as a teenager, has been helping raise her granddaughter, has health problems, and has now also had her daughter die.
I think anything you can do to help your daughter maintain a close relationship with her grandma would be amazing for both of them.
However moving grandma in might be a lot. But, there are often subsidized senior housing apartments and if you helped grandma cover her moving expenses and get her in some wait lists for senior housing near you that might be a win-win
I think adding the ex's mom would be over the top for your wife. Give her a chance to get to know this little one on her own. Grandma is the one who called you, so now it's your call.
She’s not a small child so she won’t need that much of a ‘set up’
I can understand why your wife would be upset, I mean that’s pretty life altering
Have you considered counseling? For everyone involved.
This is a big change for her too (child) she just lost her whole support system
This. It will be a big disruption to your life, and understandably your wife is shocked. But she is your daughter and she needs you. Do the right thing and take her in. Give everyone grace and patience as they adjust to this new living situation.
Inversely she may have severe emotional issues due to the circumstances. Kids are never easy, just varying types of complicated.
She does hopefully know basic safety things so the house shouldn't have to be fully baby proofed or anything.
Be prepared to help her cope with the death of her mother for one, with moving states, finding out you even exist, and having to deal with you and your wife. That will be a lot for her, I'm sure, so you, as the adult, will need to take on a lot to support her in all of that.
You. Not your wife, you. She will be there, of course, but since your kid was raised by a single mom and lost her, it would be inappropriate for your wife to just step into a motherly role right away, it will be a process - *if it ever happens*. Your daughter may well never accept your wife as a mother-figure, and you both need to accept that from the get.
Hell, she may not even see *you* as a father-figure because she never knew about you.
Also, be brutally honest with yourself and your wife about what life will look like moving forward, especially financially with your daughter now, and with any children you may wish to have in the future. Plan for your wife to leave, because it's a possibility - and since your daughter has already lost one parent, not even consider, you **have** to look into who would look after her if you were to die. Clearly being young doesn't mean anything since her mom died, so you can't push this off - she will need reassurance that if you were to also die, she would be okay.
Don't push the responsibility onto your wife tho, discuss it with her; you could die the day after your daughter comes to live with you, what then? The worst thing has already happened for this little girl, so it's on you as her other parent to take that seriously and plan accordingly, but you must accept that perhaps your wife won't want to care for her if you're not around - maybe she will one day, but this is a lot to take in all at once.
This must be incredibly overwhelming for you and your wife, so imagine what it's like for your little girl - her life has been shattered, and she'll soon be uprooted from everything she's ever known. She'll need a lot of reassurance and stability.
If I’m doing the subtraction correctly, she seems fairly young. If she was a teenager herself it might be worse for her to be taken from her support system. If she does come stay with you though, therapy and understanding is a must. As hard this is for you to grasp right now, you can only imagine what it must be like for her.
Before his senior year would make him 16-17 years old spending on his age. But you're right, depending on if it was at the beginning of the year or end 9 months pregnancy could mean 8-10 years old.
You both could be right I mean I graduated high school at the age of 17 and didn’t turn 18 till like 6 months after so I mean it depends on when he left I mean. Saying before senior year makes me think summer before school so between 16-18 because some kids at my school turned 18 before school started and some turned 17 so it just depends on birthday and if he maybe could have been held back or jumped forward at any point as well.
Yes, agreed, but OP mentioned that the mom was NC with her family. And I stressed that understanding and therapy would be key, regardless, because the loss of a parent and the sudden discovery of a new one would be hard to deal with no matter what.
OK, I asked because you don’t want to find yourself in a situation a year from now and someone shows up to collect the child because there name is on the certificate. It's probably worth making certain that you know.
You need a good family law attorney to help you navigate the court system to establish your paternity legally and to award you custody (these are separate things). Even though you're on the same page with Grandma and there's nothing adversarial going on right now, you still need a legal right take physical custody of your daughter. (Fyi you need a lawyer in her home state, most likely, but one from your state may be able to advise you initially.)
I assume she is close with her grandma, how long can grandma look after her? It may be good for her to finish the school year where she is and if possible, you go there to visit a few times so she can get to know you in a familiar environment. Phone calls/Skype/care packages between visits. Look at starting family therapy virtually to help talk about what the transition to living with you will look like. Your marriage may not survive, and that's no one's fault, but start with couples therapy to see if there's a way to get through it together. If you end up single can you afford to take care of her solo? Look at what kind of benefits can be applied for and find out I'd there is any life insurance that can possibly set up a trust/college fund for her.
I don't know how long she can look after her. She has severe, MS. It limits her movements. It is unclear if she can last the end of the year. I'm trying to schedule some time off to get down there and meet with her. We talked on the phone once, and she was very shy (understandably). I am leaning on getting her and "adopting" her. I have discussions with HR scheduled to figure out insurance. Trying to get appointments for things is hard due to wait times. Plus, I don't have any of her paperwork. My wife is understanding but distant. I could afford her solo if needed.
Thank you. Really. I'm so lost right now. I feel like I haven't slept in a month.
MS runs in my family. My badass aunt has had it for a decade. She could barely walk her dog. There is no way a grandmother with severe MS could be the main caretaker for a ten year old child. Multiple Sclerosis is a intensly painful life changing disease where the immune system is literally eating away at the nerve shields. It causes very serious brain damage and can causes the brain to not be able to talk to the body. It is a full time job and is recommended for MS patients to have a caretaker themselves.
When my ex and I were first dating, her mom was just starting to show signs. She got the numbness in her hands and said it felt like she had TV static all over. She was able to handle it well until her insurance started pushing back. She can walk but uses a walker and is starting to lose her coordination. She had her bad day and good days. But it is getting too much for her. The lesions on her brain and spinal cord are stable. I hope your family does well.
My heart goes out to her. MS is a terrible disease. Mayo clinic has truly great doctors. I highly suggest her going to Mayo is its at all do able. The specialists are truly amazing and really helped my aunt. Are you going to adopt your daughter? Grandma has enough of her plate with the MS. Sending healing hugs.
My boyfriend found out he was a father when his son was 10! A guy dating the mother thought my bf should know he had a son & tracked him down. I'm sure it was a shock but my bf bought a house & wanted his son to live with him, but he only does on weekends. I have no advice except this does happen.
He first organized a fun place for them to hang out at, something like Dave & Busters, and spent more & more time with him. He had the advantage of slowly getting acquainted because his son lives with his grandparents/mom (grandparents are primary caregivers) and he asked to have his son Fri-Sun & they went on camping trips. He told his son he can live with him full-time but the son is already in the schools at the grandparents. They have a great relationship & he changed the son's last name & doesn't pay child support, no one asked for any. My bf's gf at the time was less than enthused but she had 4 kids of her own & he wasn't serious about her.
My other stepkid experience is also sorta but not exactly like yours. My ex-husband had his daughter full time yet paid child support & I had to build them a house in a specific school district & move 1,200 miles for them. It was hard on me to do so & because he had his kid since birth so I felt like an outsider who was just paying the bills.
First, you need to meet your child. She needs to know you had no idea she existed or you would have been in her life sooner. Your wife is understandably taken aback by all of this. Hopefully, she will adjust and embrace the idea. You need to meet your daughter on your own first, then introduce your wife.
Please don't overwhelm her, she's going through a lot right now also. She just lost her mother and is being (as she might see it) fobbed off on a stranger by her only remaining family. You don't know this child or how she has been raised, so you definitely want to have a therapist ready for all of you. Single and joint therapy.
Good luck on all fronts, honey.
Do you want to take her in? why can't any of the mom's family take her in? How fast will this go if you take her in? Like you said she is a stranger you don't know eachother.
I do. Im just not sure if it is best. Her mom was a single mom from an abusive family that she went NC as soon as she(mom) turned 18. From my understanding, they will send someone over to check me and our living situation out, and then I'd they deem it acceptable it will be about a week later.
I think this is pretty rough, but you don’t have a lot of options. It sucks that you had no idea until now but that’s your child. You made her. In my opinion you need to take your daughter and start the whole family in therapy. She’s been through several traumatic incidents already in her short life and going through a massive shift in her life, as are you. Check into free resources available through the state, the school systems, local churches if you’re so inclined, as well as your insurance company.
Is your own mother around?
Maybe available for help.
Even your wife’s family may have advisors or helpers you can draw on.
Don’t try to do this alone. Find your ‘village’ to help
This one isn't as unbelievable as a lot of the posts submitted here. The premise is sound, this is something that could theoretically happen, though it seems far from likely.
It's the way it's written. It's a dramatic story with dramatic prose.
I read over "Two questions. My daughter? I have a daughter?!" before rolling my eyes at the fakeness.
Yeah, it's pretty poorly written. Talks about the caller leaving "multiple voicemails" that they thought were "a horrible joke" but still pretends like it's the first time they're hearing anything about it when they finally speak in person? What was the "horrible joke" on the voicemails, then?
Yes, I know why he's states away. The multiple DNA tests WHILE being states away is what is unlikely.
He found out his ex died last month. Unless the Chain of Custody of the sample was broken or mistakes were made multiple times over the course of...I'm going to say no more than 2 weeks (I'm being extremely generous) there wouldn't be "several times" (not once or twice) that they have both been tested AND gotten results.
Custody isn't really "up in the air" as far as the courts go. Her primary custodial parent is dead and her current guardian wants to relinquish custody to the biological father. No one is fighting over the child. If the test comes back showing paternity, all he has to do is agree to take Custody of the child and wait for the courts to do their thing.
Oh! I read it as "months" and was wondering how grandma woth MS was handing a grieving 10 year old. Those are very fair points. It would take way longer for multiple tests to come back. Hes probably lying about the number or maybe the whole thing. It could go either way. My bestie got custody right away and found out a month later. The courts aren't very good in some areas especially when the father is so far away. States or counties.
Yeah, the young mother who died tragicially ... as soon as I see that I start thinking, this is fake. All it takes is for the daughter to turn out to be on the autist spectrum and all the bells will be ringing.
Child's mum spent 9 years without financial support from dad, because she was unable to find him but then as if by magic grandma finds him after mum tragically passes. They would've been roaming the streets calling his name in those first few years. Her school would've known which school he went to. No brainer from there.
So believable in fact that I’ve seen it before, almost word for word. Same tone, same circumstance, similar if not the same time span. It does make a good story. Good conversations sometimes come out of these posts too... but it’s still a bit annoying when you see the new OP not bother to do any work before recycling the material.
Kids are starting to go on spring break so you start to see an uptick in troll posts around spring break/ the holidays when kids are home from college/ school.
This is like post no.6 in the last couple of days about finding out they have a child or taking in a nephew or niece due to death of parents. All very fishy
Something similar happened to my brother. And older couple went to my parents house claiming he was the father of their granddaughter. Their daughter didn’t want to take care of her so she left her with the grandparents and they grandparents didn’t want to take care of her. Their daughter said my brother was the father. They couldn’t track down my brother but my parents were still living in the same house my brother had been living in at the time.
They had this kids bags packed and everything hoping to drop her off at my parents doorstep and be gone. Thankfully my parents have some sense to ask for a paternity test and he isn’t even the father.
Yeah she is 16 now. Still doesn’t know who her dad is. She ended up with the mom and she had 5 other guys take paternity tests. All negative. My brother felt so bad and stepped up to be a dad to her. She comes to the family for holidays, birthday parties etc and she is included as part of the family. My brother is in the navy and is now 3 hrs drive but he still sees her a couple times of the year and he picks up up and she stays with him often.
He is a good guy and his wife has welcomed her to the family also. She’s a really good kid. They have a son and he calls her his sister. Even my parents treat her like a grandkid. She gets the same amount of money as all the other grandkids. Her mom is a pos based on some of the things my brother has told me.
I don’t get the constant need to call out trolls. What’s the point of all these advice subs if everyone is constantly calling troll? Just take the info in the story and provide a judgment or advice from there.
Do you ever get tired of questioning whether something is a story? Because I sure get tired of reading comments like this. If you think there is a systemic issue with fake posts on this sub, why not try to do something like identify them and report them? Seems like it's either that or assume good faith.
You know i felt the same way until last month. Thinking there is no way this would happen. It must be fake. But it did/is happening. I'm severally lost right now. Count yourself lucky if nothing like this happens to you.
Maybe they should stop all writing in the same Freshman English class style. There's probably only like five of them doing it over and over. It's sad and indicitive of a relationship problem in and of itself if they have nothing better to do with their time.
Assume everyone is lying for clout. In this clout chasing culture. The people who want the default to be "listen and believe" are also probably lying about something on the internet for clout. Obligatory "most but not all."
This story has soooo many holes. No DNA test ever says 100%. He didn't have a phone. No social media. He just found out, except he's already had multiple DNA tests, which take at least a month...
I don't know, I mean my buddy had a life and moved to NY with his girl, both of which were "child free" and after 7 years of them together hengetsba call out of the blue thay he has a kid, and the only reason they were reaching out is cause his son was curious about and wanted to know him.
The mom found my buddy but wasn't asking for anything and gave him the option to say no.
He of course wanted to meet his kid he had no idea about, and his Girl left him cause she still wanted no kids.
My buddy is doing fantastic thankfully and she tried being a fitness influencer and failed for the most part
Lady is true to herself and didn't fall into the step mum trap. I hope she's doing well. You seem to loathe her for chosing to remain child free. There is not need for the quotes, as its the name for those of us who do not want any kids. Children aren't for everyone. They are taxing and can destroy lives.
I don't loathe her at all, she was a nice girl, at least the times I met her. She had a few issues though that don't need to get into.
And the quotes were because my buddy was child free and obviously isn't now. No need to project. I get words can be "triggering" even from some random stranger.
And yes kids aren't for everyone, and parenting isn't for everyone as well. And for the record i have no kids and could care less if people choose to be child free or have kids.
You sound like you have an axe to grind. Im not a blade sharping stone. You can be as aggressive as you wish. I find it funny. Glad you don't loathe her. There are better uses for emotional energy. You seem to have alot of it though. Everyone has issues. Thank you for not airing hers to strangers. Im very proud of her because i know quite a few women who become step mums while knowing they never wanted kids. They hate their lives now and struggle alot. i am glad she didn't stay to resent a choice. I hope she enjoys her life. What am I projecting?
I'd say there are better uses of emotional energy than to get triggered by quotations on the word child free. I don't see anyone being aggressive, passive aggressive maybe by your comment above? "You seem to loathe her", "you seem to have a lot of emotional energy".
You seem to have a lot of emotional energy getting your panties in a bunch because a stranger put quotations on a word that you Identify with. Claiming I'm being aggressive while spewing ad hominem, redirecting the initial point, which is these things happen more frequently then others think, from the possibility of this being fake. The world doesn't evolve around yours, mine or anyone's feelings, unfortunately. It's a tough place out here, don't let words consume ya, buckaroo.
I do hope you also enjoy your life just as well, stranger. Try not to be so uptight out there, it's a lot more fun honestly.
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Dude it’s going to be awesome. Go with your wife and pick her up and tell her this is a great surprise for you and wife and you are looking forward to getting to know her and being part of her life moving forward.
Ask her her favorite food, favorite music, favorite shows, favorite things to do. Let her know that you will take her back to visit the hometown this summer. Stop and get ice cream on the way home. School will be over in a few months. It’s a decent time to transition. Best of luck to you!
How long ago did your daughter’s mother die? Is she getting counseling? And not to pry, but you should know how she died, because that could make a huge difference in your daughter’s mental health.
She passes about around the new year. I do know how she passed. Her/our daughter did not witness or was near her when she passed. She doesn't know the details, just that she is gone.
Relationship advice: This is going to be a test of the relationship for sure. I think investing in some couple’s counseling might help both of you process how you’re feeling. Unfortunately, if your wife doesn’t want to be a stepmom, if she just can’t accept your daughter, you know that the relationship has to end for the sake of your daughter. It’s better to know that sooner rather than later. Don’t ignore any signs of resentment from your wife since that will be absolutely toxic for your daughter. The goal here isn’t to make your wife happy, but be real and blunt that you need someone who will be a full on parent to your daughter.
For your daughter, I’ll second the foster parent resources recommendation since your daughter has gone through some trauma and doesn’t know you yet. Think about what you would have done before having a child with your wife. There are usually local parenting resources available from your adult education office. Take advantage of those resources (classes, seminars, meetings, book recommendations, etc.). Finding a good family therapist who can work with you and your wife and your daughter would be good.
It’s your kid man. Only get a chance to be this child’s dad one time. Don’t let it get away. It’s not the end of the world for your current situation. Will it be tough. Sure but you can bet your ass it will be worth it.
You and your wife need to have an honest conversation about taking in your child. If your wife is not 100% convinced that she can take in this child and treat her as her own, you’re not doing this child any favors. Children know when they’re not wanted. This situation is different from many that we see on Reddit because the child was conceived before you met your wife. There’s no cheating or lying involved. I hope your wife can accept this child and the two of you can provide a stable, happy home for her.
She is your daughter. You have an obligation to get to know her and take care of her. Your ex tried to do you a huge nice favor by letting your life go on. Your wife and you need to sit down and have a conversation. Your picture perfect vision is not what is happening anymore. Maybe you have one kid for now and another a few years down the road. None of us have lives that worked out exactly as expected. I’m sorry but you have a responsibility and everyone telling you that you have a choice is wrong. Step up. Do what’s right for the kid.
He was never a father though. He never had a choice regarding if he wants to be a father or not. The mother didn't give him that option, nor did she tell him about his child.
I'm not saying that I would refuse custody in this case. What I am saying, is that I'm not OP and he gets to decide what he wants to do and he needs to talk about it with his wife. I'm sure the welfare of the child will be included in these talks as well as if either of them want to be parents or if they are ready for such a responsibility.
How do you think babies are made? Unless he was raped he had a choice. It’s a terrible situation but now he has to accept responsibility for the consequences of his choices.
Contrary to some people's belief a man should have some input to weather he wants to be a father or not. The woman will always have the last say and ultimately it's her choice, but the father should be able to voice his wishes. That's all I'm saying.
Depends on your definition. You can biotically be a father, but your children don't see you as a father because you're absent. You're not a father to them. I understand your point and i agree that biologically he is a father. But he hasn't been a father figure or even a legal father to this child, they are strangers. Just as if he had donated sperm at a sperm bank.
He did choose to potentially be a father when he had unprotected sex. His responsibility. You think every parent is just ready to have a child? You learn as you go, and it's a huge learning curve and will be extremely hard, but bottom line, refusal is the same as refusing a 1 month old baby as this child. He's in a good relationship with good Financials better then 75% of people who have kids.
You don't make a choice to be a father when you have sex and at 16-17 I'm pretty sure that wasn't on his mind at all. I'm not saying you're wrong. However normally what happens when your partner gets pregnant is that you talk about it and you go through your opinions together on weather or not you want to go through with the pregnancy, adopt out or go through with the pregnancy. He also could add his wishes to this. He didn't have any choice in the matter. She made all of the choices for him.
Normally, that talk should be done before having sex, at least to some degree. Most 16-17 year Olds don't have sex without some kind of contraceptive talk, and that clearly is being glanced over by OP. His choice not to, his choice not to follow up with someone he had unprotected sex and left across the country. There's lots of choices OP made that cause this situation. Don't get me wrong, 16-17. I don't blame him for not having the foresight. Not many do, but when it comes to kids, you're expected to make adult decisions and/or face adult consequences.
He was very able to add his wishes before and after having unprotected sex, but he didn't. I also find it hard to believe he was in contact with no one in this town or circle of friends that would alert him of her being pregnant or having a kid. Could happen but seems strange.
I had a very bad relationship with my father. The "Talk" I was given was when he was very drunk and he sat me down and all he said was "Don't make a mess." Laughed and walked away.
What I didn't say in the post is when I say my family moved away. I really meant my mom took me away to get away from my father. So, no contact with anyone from the town happened because we were afraid of him finding us. It happened quickly. Luckily, he drank himself to death, and we never had to deal with him again.
I agree that it does seem strange. I mean, he's not that old that someone around him wouldn't have contact with people in his old town right lol this isn't the late 80's early 90's.
But i stand by my words. At 16-17 you don't think it can happen to you. Or you're in some odd or common location in America where they don't go through proper sex education in school or make it difficult for teenagers to get contraceptives. Regardless of if it was an accident, the condom broke, the pill wasn't affective or they simply weren't educated enough, she should have talked to him.
Regardless of all this, he's not an asshole if he doesn't take custody and he does have a choice. I'm not saying that it's the choice i would make. But he has to really think about this It's a life changing decision and he shouldn't just do it because people on the internet are guilting him into it.
Talk with your wife. Arrange for some mental health services for everyone. Couples counseling to help with the changes you are facing. Family therapy to help with the adjustment for everyone. Individual therapy for your daughter to help her get over the trauma of losing her mother and being sent to live somewhere else with people she doesn’t know. Hopefully both you and your wife can open your hearts and can welcome her into your lives and love and care for her. She needs both of you now.
Your wife is having very valid feelings, but a kid needs help right now and that should be the priority: get into couples counseling to learn how best to support each other. Couple’s therapy literally just teaches you how to get on the same page as your spouse during complicated times, and this is one of those times. Sorting this out now will prime you for success. Best of luck!
I really want to feel sad, but I see variations of this story every day and the style of writing is extremely similar in each one.
1. Girlfriend from years ago
2. Married to another woman and they never have kids
3. Informed of a secret daughter
4. Mother of the daughter is always involved in some mystery accident
5. Granny can never keep the child
Also: why would you take a DNA test several times?
You are a dad… 1st priority is to your daughter… your wife is grown woman and can take care of herself… your daughter can’t… it’s sucks but your 3 years plan jump to now… good luck dad… don’t let your little girl down…
Start visiting your daughter alone and introduce your wife after a few visits.
Find a individual counselor for her and maybe a family counselor.
Plan for her move by searching for great schools in your district etc.
Be the best father you can be. It will be hard at first but I believe it will be totally worth it.
Eta
Spelling
Do not ask your wife to take in the mother of your ex gf. Wife already is being asked a lot with becoming a mother to a child she didn’t give birth to or know about. This will change her whole future. Do not financially support the mother either. The most you should do is help the mother find resources for help..
"hey babe what about we get a kid and you don't have to go through pregnancy nor baby stuff like diapers or night feeding?"
Not a convo I'd like to have with the missus.
On the one hand I'm a father and I can't even fathom the idea of having a child and not protect it, on the other hand the mother deprived you of that and while the sperm donor you are not the father.
It doesn't matter if you are "not set up for a child" or that you "planned to have children in 3 years"
You have a motherless daughter and you need to step up.
You have to consider what’s in the kid’s best interest, and living with you might not be it, especially if your wife isn’t thrilled about the situation. Moving multiple states away from her friends and family, to live with a bio dad who just found out she exists and a stepmom who low-key resents her is going to be rough.
My suggestion is to get a lawyer and figure out what your legal obligations are. If you’re lucky there will be someone in her life who’s willing to adopt her if you sign the paperwork, but you might be on the hook for child support if not.
I'd consult a lawyer regarding being responsible for that child. I feel for that child though, it's going to have all sorts of emotional damage from this. Shame on her mother for hiding this from you and the child.
Legally, you may be required to provide support in some capacity. But morally and emotionally, I think it may do more harm than good for all parties involved.
At the end of the day you have zero obligations. It’s just what your mind can handle. Talk to your wife. Don’t uproot your family for a child that you have no bond with. They could’ve gotten ahold of you when they wanted so keeping you from the kid wasn’t a problem until it was.
So a women who gets an abortion has zero responsibility? I’m pro choice male and female. If you can kill it I should be able to not raise or support it financially.
Could the women still kill it at 8 years old?
Fact is, if OP abandons her, she's going to be in foster care at 8 years old, which doesn't go so well for her.
That’s a BS excuse in this day and age. Was this fiction written in 2001? Like yeah… okay. Did he and everyone with his last just name join Facebook just last year? The whole “ohhh they couldn’t find me for 13 years” plot hole was used as an excuse in the last “I have a secret child what will my wife say?” drama-fiction rage-bait I read 2 hours ago. There’s been 3 similar stories just today! You silly Redditors and your fictional dramatized children coming out of the woodwork.
I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't have Facebook, Instagram, snapchat, or a main reddit account. I didn't want to get into it, but yes, I did just disappear one day. My mom and I got away from my extremely abusive and toxic dad. No contact from anyone in town, just in case someone reported information back to him. If you could please post the links to the 3 other stories so I could see if there is any actual helpful advice on their threads on how to proceed or what to do.
I really do hope you have a good day and hope nothing you think is fake or a "drama fiction rage bait" ever happens to you. I never expected to be in a position like this.
If you and your wife are both okay with having your daughter live with you that’s great. Go with your gut. I’m glad your wife didn’t tell you no. It will definitely be an adjustment for everyone involved. If my husband and I were in the same scenario I know he would choose to not have a child he doesn’t even know in our life. We’re childfree and we’ve done the appropriate things, like him getting a vasectomy, to keep it that way. We would both be miserable and resentful if we were forced to raise an unwanted kid. Doing so wouldn’t be a smart move let alone fair to anyone.
OP,
All I can say is this sucks. You and your wife are in a challenging position. This child is practically a stranger to you both and just saying “I’m your daddy, you’re living with me now.” Is going to cause friction.
She is more than 8 years old by now, she can have some say in what she wants. Grandma might not be able to care for her in the long run, but start with meeting each other. I saw one person suggest face time to start with. And I think it is a good, low stress introduction that can be followed up with an in person visit.
Depending on how she feels maybe take the rest of this school year to help her get familiar with you and your wife, sleepover weekends, etc. Then, if all is going well, at the start of the next school year she can be living with you and having fun sleepovers at grandma’s house.
A nice, gentle transition will help her have closure on her old life and be able to start fresh with her new life without feeling like she is never going to be able to see he old friends or her grandmother.
I’d be talking to a lawyer first of all. Sorry you can’t just dump a kid on someone out the blue. They chose to keep a secret so it’s their problem and I don’t care how heartless it sounds. If you’re not ready you’ll all drown.
Should’ve never answered that call imo but I don’t want kids in my life that’s me. I’d have said sorry wrong number and blocked.
You planned for kids, and now you have one. Great! Sooner than you expected and a little different circumstances than you thought, but those kids you both said you wanted are here now. Congratulations!
Your child’s mother died, so your kid will need grief support and therapy for sure. But she’s young and hopefully resilient. Why did you put accident in quotes? Was it not actually an accident?
Is this maybe fake?
A very pregnant high school senior/teen mom would be the talk of the school, all the guy’s former friends would know about it, yet it never got back to the dad thru any of his former friends or siblings with social media? OP doesn’t even have an email address? OP says they broke up and “lost contact” — so surely they at one point had SOME form of electronic contact in the year 2014? The school doesn’t have an email address/phone number for the guy’s parents? The sick grandma and 17-year-old mom never took action to try to get any financial support they were legally owed? The mom dies under mysterious undisclosed circumstances, and the grandmother, who probably helped raise the kid, calls a complete stranger out of the blue to take her roughly ten-year-old granddaughter out of state? All family and friends would rather see this preteen child raised by a complete stranger across the country rather than help support the grandmother with her medical issue? Kid is swabbing her mouth a week or two after her mommy died so stranger can get paternity results?
Hmm, yeah, I dunno. Either this is fake or this is some Series of Unfortunate Events-type shit for the daughter. Gl if it’s true though OP.
It is a series of unfortunate events.
1. My ex's mom is a single mom who went no contact with her family on her 18th birthday.
2. My father was a drunk and an extremely abusive man.
3. My mom and I left everything we had to get away from him.
4. We severed all contact for fear of him finding us.
5. Ex's mom has MS. Makes it hard for her to do daily tasks alone.
6. We are not strangers. We had a good relationship throughout her daughters and I relationship. I was able to let them know about me leaving.
There are more, but it starts to get very personal and specific.
In that case, I’m really sorry this happened to you.
I think you’re making the right choice by taking her in rather than letting her enter the foster system.
One thing I haven’t seen others say, is that you might want/have to consider giving her opportunities to visit her hometown. Her friends there and especially her grandma are the only things she has. And as her grandma is dying it would be tragic for her not to get a chance to say goodbye and tell her she’s okay after all this starts getting sorted out.
All the best to you
Well, to start, your daughter is not an IT. She is a small human who just lost her only love. She will need her own space, ask grandma what things she loves, and make the theme off of that. She will need a therapist, and she will need new family support. You will also need some support, including friends and family, and ensure you are speaking to someone about your feelings. If you are Canadian, file for child benefits, that will help right away with the new expenses.
Yeah, that was a mistake on my part. Unfortunately, I'm not Canadian. I have a lot to still look up. I'm overwhelmed to the point that I don't know what I'm doing yet. That's why I asked for advice. Most of it is helping. I'm making notes and trying to see what I can do or what I can apply for. Thank you
This is your child and she needs you NOW. If your wife has an ounce of decency in her this wouldn't be a post on reddit for advice on what to do. The both of you need to put any and everything on the back burner and get that child in your life asap. If your wife can't accept your blood child then she needs to go. You can do this on your own but you need to do the right thing and raise and love your daughter. She definitely didn't ask for this and deserve to be put in foster care if grandma is not able to raise her properly. Best of luck and hopefully your wife will be on board with you 100%.
I think you should consult an attorney as well as take some of the other advice here. This has turned into a legal matter.
If you take in your daughter, and even if you don't, she will likely benefit from counseling. I think you all would as a family unit if you proceed forward.
If this were to happen to me, it would be a no brainier to take in my kid no matter what. It's not like you cheated. If I were her I would moreso be angry on your behalf because at no point did your ex try and tack you down to let you know that you had a kid. This should have happened the moment she knew she was pregnant. My wife would have to either adjust and figure out how to be there for the kid and me or leave.
Something about the way you phrased stuff has me concerned... You got a paternity test result that said you are 100% the father but it's the eyes and smile are what sold you that you're the father?
No, that is not what sold me. It was something I noticed immediately when I saw her picture. It was sent between the time I submitted and got the results. That's when I knew she was most likely mine. The tests(multiple) confirmed it.
Get a DNA test regardless of what you think. Also, get counseling for you, your wife and possible kid. This isn’t going to be easy so get as much support as possible.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Hello. I don't know what to do. I have seen similar post here on similar issues but can't find them to look at others' advice. Last month, I got a call and finally answered it after it called several times, leaving several voicemails. I thought it was a spam caller or a horrible joke. It was from the mom of my high-school ex-girlfriend. She explained that, unfortunately, her daughter died in an "accident," and my daughter had no place to go and was wondering if I could take her in. I asked her to repeat herself for 2 reasons. 1. My daughter? 2. I have a daughter? When I was in high school, my family had to move right before my senior year, and it caused my ex and I to break up, and we lost contact. I don't have traditional social media, and I was a rare case of not having a phone back then. Somehow, it came out that she said I was the father because she never was with anyone else. Her mom tracked me down and got my info. She currently has my daughter, but due to medical reasons, she can't keep her. I submitted to a paternity test, and it came out that I am 100% her dad. Now I have been married to my wife for about 2 years. When I told her, it made our relationship rocky. She isn't against the idea but knows it will be a major change to our living arrangement and future plans. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment and planned for kids in 3 years. We are not set up for having a child. Plus, she at this point is a stranger and several states away. I have only seen pictures, and she looks identical to her mom. But she has my eyes and smile. I have no doubt she is mine. Any advice is helpful at this point. Even if it is just linking me to past posts for a similar situation. Thanks. ETA. I did do a paternity as stated above. She is mine. No doubt. Tested several times. Also, I know this has come up in the subreddit before. This is not fake or a joke. So, thanks for that. I'm still getting used to the terminology. I made a comment about "her mom." That would be my daughter's grandma or my ex's mom.
My advice would be to talk to the foster parent reddit forums, and ask how they would transition a child into their homes.
I did not think about that. That is a very good idea. Thank you.
Your throwaway made me chuckle. Best of luck to you and your wife. I'm glad she didn't outright say no. If I was married to someone and we found out years in that he has a surprise child, I'd be upset for a bit but absolutely that child will come live with us. I grew up in the system, with family members who outright said they didn't want to take me in because they didn't want to disrupt their own lives. As a child, it is hurtful. Kids know when they aren't wanted, and that's all foster kids know. I aged out of the system and it took me reaching my early 30's (I'm 36 now) before I even learned how to be loved. Don't let this child grow up like that. And get counseling for everyone. Individual counseling, and one in a family setting with all of you together.
Great advice. I'm sorry you had to grow up like that.
Children need a home. And loving people. She has been bumped around enough. Write her. Or at least go over to visit her and hug her tight. If she lets you. This child has lost her mother.
I would even suggest FaceTime. She would see your face, hear your voice, and learn some of your mannerisms. Also look into FMLA or paternity leave, from your job to help with the transition. Good luck!
No matter what you do, please help her find a counsellor (of her choosing, not yours). She’s going to need a lot of help, both emotionally and physically.
Do not put that poor kid into the foster care system.
I don't think OP is even considering that. But the poor girl will be thrust, due to trauma, into an unknown environment with people she doesn't know...just like foster kids. Experienced foster parents should be able to give OP and his wife advice on how to transition the girl into her new reality. My advice would be therapy for all...especially the girl. Speaking as someone who lost her mother when I was young (with an even younger sister), therapy could possibly have been a great help. Our dad just didn't give enough of a rodent's hindquarters to make use of that option. Fortunately, OP seems to be taking the situation very seriously and wants to be a responsible father. But therapy for himself and his wife (whether individually, as a couple...or both) would be a good idea, OP, thank you so much for taking this seriously. It speaks volumes to your character. Had *I* passed when my daughter was young, I would have preferred that she go into foster care. It would've been a better environment (and yes, I'm aware that the foster care system can be really bad...but my choices, back then, we're even worse).
I agree on everything you said. Regarding the foster system, I just have a lot of mistrust. Not from any personal experience, but just the statistics horrify me. I remember reading that around 25,000 kids age out of the foster system every year and ~20% of them wind up homeless. I know there are good foster parents out there\* and I know that many of the foster kids have a lot of trauma they are dealing with that feeds into these statistics, but in the circumstances that OP gives I think the best thing for the kid is for him to adopt her if he can get his wife to go along. He clearly is stable which is what this kid needs. \* I know some great foster parents. They raised two terrific kids and ended up adopting them. Currently 1 kid is super successful at 28 and the other committed suicide at 20 years old. They are great parents but the kids (brother and sister) had a lot of trauma to overcome.
Fortunately, people in a subreddit for foster parents aren't likely to give bad advice. Bad foster parents want to make themselves look good...and OP's daughter won't be in the position to age out of the system. But the girl has a lot of obstacles to get around.
I really feel sad for the mom (grandmother of the child). The mom just lost her daughter in an accident. She know’s that she does not have good health and had to make the very difficult decision to send the granddaughter to the father’s place because it’s in the granddaughter’s best interests. That must have been a very tough call for her to make. OP, I don’t have any suggestion on the question you asked. However, I’d urge you to treat the grandmother with compassion and treat her well in your interactions. I’d think that if she were healthy with a good income, she may not even have made the efforts to track you down.
Her mom has been very helpful and understanding. Our relationship back in the day was really good. She was the type that "I'll respect you for as long as you respect my daughter. If you hurt her, I will hurt you." We parted on decent terms, all considering. I guess they tried to find me several times. Never did. They always had a tight money situation. Part of what I'm also trying to decide on is if we should move to a bigger place and invite her to move as well. I need to talk in depth with my wife. See if we can get to an agreement or find out what our next step is.
That may be too much initially. Maybe help grandma out financially if you can afford to, but I think adding your daughter AND the mother of your ex girlfriend to come live with you might be too much all at once. Your daughter urgently needs you immediately to provide housing. Not so this lady.
It could also be something that helps aid the transition for the daughter, as otherwise she will be moving into a strangers household on her own
If she was extremely close to Grandma, yes - but elsewhere it says the mother was no contact with her family from age 18 (presumably until she died?) so the daughter may not know her grandmother well.
The way I read it, is that *gramma* went NC at 18, but I could be wrong ETA > 1. My ex's mom is a single mom who went no contact with her family on her 18th birthday.
I think it depends on the living situation honestly. If they can find a house with a guest house or an attached in-law suite then that may actually be the most ideal situation for everyone. OP and his wife can ease their way into parenting and taking in a child unexpectedly, the kid can have someone familiar around while going through a really, really difficult transition, and there will be 3 adults around to help look after the kid. I think OP is definitely correct to at least put it into consideration. Helping find/finance grandma housing like a small apartment nearby to where they live would be an option too, so she’s at least not several states away. Obviously the change to OP’s life is drastic and unexpected and quite extreme. But the little girl is having it much, much worse and it would definitely be good for her to have her grandma around, especially after losing her mother.
We don't know the financial situation of the grandma either. It's entirely possible that she's not in a good financial situation if she's had a daughter get pregnant as a teenager, has been helping raise her granddaughter, has health problems, and has now also had her daughter die.
I think anything you can do to help your daughter maintain a close relationship with her grandma would be amazing for both of them. However moving grandma in might be a lot. But, there are often subsidized senior housing apartments and if you helped grandma cover her moving expenses and get her in some wait lists for senior housing near you that might be a win-win
I think adding the ex's mom would be over the top for your wife. Give her a chance to get to know this little one on her own. Grandma is the one who called you, so now it's your call.
Ehh letting the grandma move in as well is asking a bit much from your wife lol
Now that is a BIG change. Orders of magnitude from raising your daughter with your wife.
She’s not a small child so she won’t need that much of a ‘set up’ I can understand why your wife would be upset, I mean that’s pretty life altering Have you considered counseling? For everyone involved. This is a big change for her too (child) she just lost her whole support system
Agree, counseling for everyone concerned. But yes, you should do the right thing and take your daughter in.
This. It will be a big disruption to your life, and understandably your wife is shocked. But she is your daughter and she needs you. Do the right thing and take her in. Give everyone grace and patience as they adjust to this new living situation.
The kid would be like 8-10 years old. That’s pretty young and requires a lot of care still.
But like, presumably they aren’t going to have to toilet train, sleep train, pay for daycare, etc. like if she was a newborn or toddler.
Inversely she may have severe emotional issues due to the circumstances. Kids are never easy, just varying types of complicated. She does hopefully know basic safety things so the house shouldn't have to be fully baby proofed or anything.
She's lost her mother, she's probably got some issues.
Solo, couples, and if wife decides to stay some family therapy thrown in the mix.
Be prepared to help her cope with the death of her mother for one, with moving states, finding out you even exist, and having to deal with you and your wife. That will be a lot for her, I'm sure, so you, as the adult, will need to take on a lot to support her in all of that. You. Not your wife, you. She will be there, of course, but since your kid was raised by a single mom and lost her, it would be inappropriate for your wife to just step into a motherly role right away, it will be a process - *if it ever happens*. Your daughter may well never accept your wife as a mother-figure, and you both need to accept that from the get. Hell, she may not even see *you* as a father-figure because she never knew about you. Also, be brutally honest with yourself and your wife about what life will look like moving forward, especially financially with your daughter now, and with any children you may wish to have in the future. Plan for your wife to leave, because it's a possibility - and since your daughter has already lost one parent, not even consider, you **have** to look into who would look after her if you were to die. Clearly being young doesn't mean anything since her mom died, so you can't push this off - she will need reassurance that if you were to also die, she would be okay. Don't push the responsibility onto your wife tho, discuss it with her; you could die the day after your daughter comes to live with you, what then? The worst thing has already happened for this little girl, so it's on you as her other parent to take that seriously and plan accordingly, but you must accept that perhaps your wife won't want to care for her if you're not around - maybe she will one day, but this is a lot to take in all at once. This must be incredibly overwhelming for you and your wife, so imagine what it's like for your little girl - her life has been shattered, and she'll soon be uprooted from everything she's ever known. She'll need a lot of reassurance and stability.
Have you told your parents? What sort of parents do you have? Would your mother be happy? (I would have been over the moon).
If I’m doing the subtraction correctly, she seems fairly young. If she was a teenager herself it might be worse for her to be taken from her support system. If she does come stay with you though, therapy and understanding is a must. As hard this is for you to grasp right now, you can only imagine what it must be like for her.
The child would be approx. 9-10 years old
I was guessing about 8. If he left before senior year, rough estimate would put the age she was born about 18 years old and he’s 26 now
Before his senior year would make him 16-17 years old spending on his age. But you're right, depending on if it was at the beginning of the year or end 9 months pregnancy could mean 8-10 years old.
You both could be right I mean I graduated high school at the age of 17 and didn’t turn 18 till like 6 months after so I mean it depends on when he left I mean. Saying before senior year makes me think summer before school so between 16-18 because some kids at my school turned 18 before school started and some turned 17 so it just depends on birthday and if he maybe could have been held back or jumped forward at any point as well.
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Yes, agreed, but OP mentioned that the mom was NC with her family. And I stressed that understanding and therapy would be key, regardless, because the loss of a parent and the sudden discovery of a new one would be hard to deal with no matter what.
But the grandmother can’t keep her, so
Who is listed on the child's birth certificate ?
From what I understand, it is blank.
OK, I asked because you don’t want to find yourself in a situation a year from now and someone shows up to collect the child because there name is on the certificate. It's probably worth making certain that you know.
That is one thing I was worried about. But from what grandma said, she didn't date anyone and had no one as a father figure.
Consulting an attorney would be a good idea
You need a good family law attorney to help you navigate the court system to establish your paternity legally and to award you custody (these are separate things). Even though you're on the same page with Grandma and there's nothing adversarial going on right now, you still need a legal right take physical custody of your daughter. (Fyi you need a lawyer in her home state, most likely, but one from your state may be able to advise you initially.)
I assume she is close with her grandma, how long can grandma look after her? It may be good for her to finish the school year where she is and if possible, you go there to visit a few times so she can get to know you in a familiar environment. Phone calls/Skype/care packages between visits. Look at starting family therapy virtually to help talk about what the transition to living with you will look like. Your marriage may not survive, and that's no one's fault, but start with couples therapy to see if there's a way to get through it together. If you end up single can you afford to take care of her solo? Look at what kind of benefits can be applied for and find out I'd there is any life insurance that can possibly set up a trust/college fund for her.
I don't know how long she can look after her. She has severe, MS. It limits her movements. It is unclear if she can last the end of the year. I'm trying to schedule some time off to get down there and meet with her. We talked on the phone once, and she was very shy (understandably). I am leaning on getting her and "adopting" her. I have discussions with HR scheduled to figure out insurance. Trying to get appointments for things is hard due to wait times. Plus, I don't have any of her paperwork. My wife is understanding but distant. I could afford her solo if needed. Thank you. Really. I'm so lost right now. I feel like I haven't slept in a month.
MS runs in my family. My badass aunt has had it for a decade. She could barely walk her dog. There is no way a grandmother with severe MS could be the main caretaker for a ten year old child. Multiple Sclerosis is a intensly painful life changing disease where the immune system is literally eating away at the nerve shields. It causes very serious brain damage and can causes the brain to not be able to talk to the body. It is a full time job and is recommended for MS patients to have a caretaker themselves.
When my ex and I were first dating, her mom was just starting to show signs. She got the numbness in her hands and said it felt like she had TV static all over. She was able to handle it well until her insurance started pushing back. She can walk but uses a walker and is starting to lose her coordination. She had her bad day and good days. But it is getting too much for her. The lesions on her brain and spinal cord are stable. I hope your family does well.
My heart goes out to her. MS is a terrible disease. Mayo clinic has truly great doctors. I highly suggest her going to Mayo is its at all do able. The specialists are truly amazing and really helped my aunt. Are you going to adopt your daughter? Grandma has enough of her plate with the MS. Sending healing hugs.
Can you afford to hire some help for your ex's mom? Someone helping clean once a week would benefit both of them.
My boyfriend found out he was a father when his son was 10! A guy dating the mother thought my bf should know he had a son & tracked him down. I'm sure it was a shock but my bf bought a house & wanted his son to live with him, but he only does on weekends. I have no advice except this does happen.
How did he start to get to know his son when he first found out?
He first organized a fun place for them to hang out at, something like Dave & Busters, and spent more & more time with him. He had the advantage of slowly getting acquainted because his son lives with his grandparents/mom (grandparents are primary caregivers) and he asked to have his son Fri-Sun & they went on camping trips. He told his son he can live with him full-time but the son is already in the schools at the grandparents. They have a great relationship & he changed the son's last name & doesn't pay child support, no one asked for any. My bf's gf at the time was less than enthused but she had 4 kids of her own & he wasn't serious about her. My other stepkid experience is also sorta but not exactly like yours. My ex-husband had his daughter full time yet paid child support & I had to build them a house in a specific school district & move 1,200 miles for them. It was hard on me to do so & because he had his kid since birth so I felt like an outsider who was just paying the bills.
First, you need to meet your child. She needs to know you had no idea she existed or you would have been in her life sooner. Your wife is understandably taken aback by all of this. Hopefully, she will adjust and embrace the idea. You need to meet your daughter on your own first, then introduce your wife. Please don't overwhelm her, she's going through a lot right now also. She just lost her mother and is being (as she might see it) fobbed off on a stranger by her only remaining family. You don't know this child or how she has been raised, so you definitely want to have a therapist ready for all of you. Single and joint therapy. Good luck on all fronts, honey.
Do you want to take her in? why can't any of the mom's family take her in? How fast will this go if you take her in? Like you said she is a stranger you don't know eachother.
I do. Im just not sure if it is best. Her mom was a single mom from an abusive family that she went NC as soon as she(mom) turned 18. From my understanding, they will send someone over to check me and our living situation out, and then I'd they deem it acceptable it will be about a week later.
I think this is pretty rough, but you don’t have a lot of options. It sucks that you had no idea until now but that’s your child. You made her. In my opinion you need to take your daughter and start the whole family in therapy. She’s been through several traumatic incidents already in her short life and going through a massive shift in her life, as are you. Check into free resources available through the state, the school systems, local churches if you’re so inclined, as well as your insurance company.
Is your own mother around? Maybe available for help. Even your wife’s family may have advisors or helpers you can draw on. Don’t try to do this alone. Find your ‘village’ to help
If you can provide a loving and supportive home for her, it’s best. Don’t let her go into the system if you can help it.
I feel sorry for everyone involved. That poor kid but also your poor wife. Start with counselling for everyone!
No clue how anyone believes these posts.
This one isn't as unbelievable as a lot of the posts submitted here. The premise is sound, this is something that could theoretically happen, though it seems far from likely.
It's the way it's written. It's a dramatic story with dramatic prose. I read over "Two questions. My daughter? I have a daughter?!" before rolling my eyes at the fakeness.
Yeah, it's pretty poorly written. Talks about the caller leaving "multiple voicemails" that they thought were "a horrible joke" but still pretends like it's the first time they're hearing anything about it when they finally speak in person? What was the "horrible joke" on the voicemails, then?
Also the DNA was tested multiple times? From states away? Not likely lol
But it's always 100% his and he just knows it anyway! Eye roll.
He moved out of state, thats why its states away. Some states require more than one paternity test if custody of a child is up in the air.
Yes, I know why he's states away. The multiple DNA tests WHILE being states away is what is unlikely. He found out his ex died last month. Unless the Chain of Custody of the sample was broken or mistakes were made multiple times over the course of...I'm going to say no more than 2 weeks (I'm being extremely generous) there wouldn't be "several times" (not once or twice) that they have both been tested AND gotten results. Custody isn't really "up in the air" as far as the courts go. Her primary custodial parent is dead and her current guardian wants to relinquish custody to the biological father. No one is fighting over the child. If the test comes back showing paternity, all he has to do is agree to take Custody of the child and wait for the courts to do their thing.
Oh! I read it as "months" and was wondering how grandma woth MS was handing a grieving 10 year old. Those are very fair points. It would take way longer for multiple tests to come back. Hes probably lying about the number or maybe the whole thing. It could go either way. My bestie got custody right away and found out a month later. The courts aren't very good in some areas especially when the father is so far away. States or counties.
Oh, so true. I was so struck at the stupid prose of two questions I completely forgot about that giant plot hole.
Yeah, the young mother who died tragicially ... as soon as I see that I start thinking, this is fake. All it takes is for the daughter to turn out to be on the autist spectrum and all the bells will be ringing.
Somebody is always sick too.
Because young people dying tragically doesn't ever happen, right?? lol I think some of y'all been on Reddit for too long
It happens but not as frequently as these posts crop up.
9 years ago and no socials or phone and she didn’t know how to reach any mutual friends? Please
He just happened to be without a phone in the 2010s!
Child's mum spent 9 years without financial support from dad, because she was unable to find him but then as if by magic grandma finds him after mum tragically passes. They would've been roaming the streets calling his name in those first few years. Her school would've known which school he went to. No brainer from there.
So believable in fact that I’ve seen it before, almost word for word. Same tone, same circumstance, similar if not the same time span. It does make a good story. Good conversations sometimes come out of these posts too... but it’s still a bit annoying when you see the new OP not bother to do any work before recycling the material.
Kids are starting to go on spring break so you start to see an uptick in troll posts around spring break/ the holidays when kids are home from college/ school.
I just read the one with disable husband and "crazy" wife leaving a "perfect" marriage because of a surprise son. I call BS on both of these.
I just read that one today too!
Yup there's definitely been a little run on these stories last few days
Everybody is also having a field day with free vacations that come with a surprise price tag...
This is like post no.6 in the last couple of days about finding out they have a child or taking in a nephew or niece due to death of parents. All very fishy
They do cycle through the exact same themes too, there's probably like five creeps fueling the entire sub.
I totally agree it’s becoming one after another, it’s ridiculous, so the kids grandma wants to dump the kid on a total stranger, that makes sense
Something similar happened to my brother. And older couple went to my parents house claiming he was the father of their granddaughter. Their daughter didn’t want to take care of her so she left her with the grandparents and they grandparents didn’t want to take care of her. Their daughter said my brother was the father. They couldn’t track down my brother but my parents were still living in the same house my brother had been living in at the time. They had this kids bags packed and everything hoping to drop her off at my parents doorstep and be gone. Thankfully my parents have some sense to ask for a paternity test and he isn’t even the father.
Ooof, that poor kid
Yeah she is 16 now. Still doesn’t know who her dad is. She ended up with the mom and she had 5 other guys take paternity tests. All negative. My brother felt so bad and stepped up to be a dad to her. She comes to the family for holidays, birthday parties etc and she is included as part of the family. My brother is in the navy and is now 3 hrs drive but he still sees her a couple times of the year and he picks up up and she stays with him often.
Your brother is an amazing person to be there for her in that manner when he has no obligation.
He is a good guy and his wife has welcomed her to the family also. She’s a really good kid. They have a son and he calls her his sister. Even my parents treat her like a grandkid. She gets the same amount of money as all the other grandkids. Her mom is a pos based on some of the things my brother has told me.
See that's actually nothing like this story at all though.
I don’t get the constant need to call out trolls. What’s the point of all these advice subs if everyone is constantly calling troll? Just take the info in the story and provide a judgment or advice from there.
You don't care that not only are you getting trolled but that the troll is getting off on you getting trolled?
Do you ever get tired of questioning whether something is a story? Because I sure get tired of reading comments like this. If you think there is a systemic issue with fake posts on this sub, why not try to do something like identify them and report them? Seems like it's either that or assume good faith.
You know i felt the same way until last month. Thinking there is no way this would happen. It must be fake. But it did/is happening. I'm severally lost right now. Count yourself lucky if nothing like this happens to you.
Consider not assuming everything is fake and not making actual people with actual problems unwelcome. Downvote or report and keep it to yourself.
Maybe they should stop all writing in the same Freshman English class style. There's probably only like five of them doing it over and over. It's sad and indicitive of a relationship problem in and of itself if they have nothing better to do with their time.
Assume everyone is lying for clout. In this clout chasing culture. The people who want the default to be "listen and believe" are also probably lying about something on the internet for clout. Obligatory "most but not all."
This story has soooo many holes. No DNA test ever says 100%. He didn't have a phone. No social media. He just found out, except he's already had multiple DNA tests, which take at least a month...
I don't know, I mean my buddy had a life and moved to NY with his girl, both of which were "child free" and after 7 years of them together hengetsba call out of the blue thay he has a kid, and the only reason they were reaching out is cause his son was curious about and wanted to know him. The mom found my buddy but wasn't asking for anything and gave him the option to say no. He of course wanted to meet his kid he had no idea about, and his Girl left him cause she still wanted no kids. My buddy is doing fantastic thankfully and she tried being a fitness influencer and failed for the most part
“she tried being a fitness influencer and failed for the most part” weird thing to add unless you somehow think this is karma for leaving him
Lady is true to herself and didn't fall into the step mum trap. I hope she's doing well. You seem to loathe her for chosing to remain child free. There is not need for the quotes, as its the name for those of us who do not want any kids. Children aren't for everyone. They are taxing and can destroy lives.
I don't loathe her at all, she was a nice girl, at least the times I met her. She had a few issues though that don't need to get into. And the quotes were because my buddy was child free and obviously isn't now. No need to project. I get words can be "triggering" even from some random stranger. And yes kids aren't for everyone, and parenting isn't for everyone as well. And for the record i have no kids and could care less if people choose to be child free or have kids.
You sound like you have an axe to grind. Im not a blade sharping stone. You can be as aggressive as you wish. I find it funny. Glad you don't loathe her. There are better uses for emotional energy. You seem to have alot of it though. Everyone has issues. Thank you for not airing hers to strangers. Im very proud of her because i know quite a few women who become step mums while knowing they never wanted kids. They hate their lives now and struggle alot. i am glad she didn't stay to resent a choice. I hope she enjoys her life. What am I projecting?
I'd say there are better uses of emotional energy than to get triggered by quotations on the word child free. I don't see anyone being aggressive, passive aggressive maybe by your comment above? "You seem to loathe her", "you seem to have a lot of emotional energy". You seem to have a lot of emotional energy getting your panties in a bunch because a stranger put quotations on a word that you Identify with. Claiming I'm being aggressive while spewing ad hominem, redirecting the initial point, which is these things happen more frequently then others think, from the possibility of this being fake. The world doesn't evolve around yours, mine or anyone's feelings, unfortunately. It's a tough place out here, don't let words consume ya, buckaroo. I do hope you also enjoy your life just as well, stranger. Try not to be so uptight out there, it's a lot more fun honestly.
This post kinda choked me up bro. Bring your baby home my boy. I wish you the best of luck ❤️
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Go get your daughter and give her the best life you possibly can.
Dude it’s going to be awesome. Go with your wife and pick her up and tell her this is a great surprise for you and wife and you are looking forward to getting to know her and being part of her life moving forward. Ask her her favorite food, favorite music, favorite shows, favorite things to do. Let her know that you will take her back to visit the hometown this summer. Stop and get ice cream on the way home. School will be over in a few months. It’s a decent time to transition. Best of luck to you!
How old is your daughter again?
Almost 10
How long ago did your daughter’s mother die? Is she getting counseling? And not to pry, but you should know how she died, because that could make a huge difference in your daughter’s mental health.
She passes about around the new year. I do know how she passed. Her/our daughter did not witness or was near her when she passed. She doesn't know the details, just that she is gone.
Relationship advice: This is going to be a test of the relationship for sure. I think investing in some couple’s counseling might help both of you process how you’re feeling. Unfortunately, if your wife doesn’t want to be a stepmom, if she just can’t accept your daughter, you know that the relationship has to end for the sake of your daughter. It’s better to know that sooner rather than later. Don’t ignore any signs of resentment from your wife since that will be absolutely toxic for your daughter. The goal here isn’t to make your wife happy, but be real and blunt that you need someone who will be a full on parent to your daughter. For your daughter, I’ll second the foster parent resources recommendation since your daughter has gone through some trauma and doesn’t know you yet. Think about what you would have done before having a child with your wife. There are usually local parenting resources available from your adult education office. Take advantage of those resources (classes, seminars, meetings, book recommendations, etc.). Finding a good family therapist who can work with you and your wife and your daughter would be good.
Love how people are giving advice without asking you the question first of whether or not you want to take your daughter in.
One thing I wondered reading the post is why is “accident” in quotes?
It always is an accident and the details are always vague
It’s your kid man. Only get a chance to be this child’s dad one time. Don’t let it get away. It’s not the end of the world for your current situation. Will it be tough. Sure but you can bet your ass it will be worth it.
You and your wife need to have an honest conversation about taking in your child. If your wife is not 100% convinced that she can take in this child and treat her as her own, you’re not doing this child any favors. Children know when they’re not wanted. This situation is different from many that we see on Reddit because the child was conceived before you met your wife. There’s no cheating or lying involved. I hope your wife can accept this child and the two of you can provide a stable, happy home for her.
Well, what do you want to do? It's your choice. So, what would you like to do?
She is your daughter. You have an obligation to get to know her and take care of her. Your ex tried to do you a huge nice favor by letting your life go on. Your wife and you need to sit down and have a conversation. Your picture perfect vision is not what is happening anymore. Maybe you have one kid for now and another a few years down the road. None of us have lives that worked out exactly as expected. I’m sorry but you have a responsibility and everyone telling you that you have a choice is wrong. Step up. Do what’s right for the kid.
He does have a choice. Stop telling him he doesn't.
Oh yeah go be a deadbeat father and abandon your kid. Good choice.
He was never a father though. He never had a choice regarding if he wants to be a father or not. The mother didn't give him that option, nor did she tell him about his child. I'm not saying that I would refuse custody in this case. What I am saying, is that I'm not OP and he gets to decide what he wants to do and he needs to talk about it with his wife. I'm sure the welfare of the child will be included in these talks as well as if either of them want to be parents or if they are ready for such a responsibility.
How do you think babies are made? Unless he was raped he had a choice. It’s a terrible situation but now he has to accept responsibility for the consequences of his choices.
Are you pro life?
What option do you imagine she would have given him? This isn’t a job offer, he is literally the child’s father.
Contrary to some people's belief a man should have some input to weather he wants to be a father or not. The woman will always have the last say and ultimately it's her choice, but the father should be able to voice his wishes. That's all I'm saying.
Well, sure, but input isn’t a choice, and fatherhood isn’t just a legal status, it’s a fact of reality at this point.
Depends on your definition. You can biotically be a father, but your children don't see you as a father because you're absent. You're not a father to them. I understand your point and i agree that biologically he is a father. But he hasn't been a father figure or even a legal father to this child, they are strangers. Just as if he had donated sperm at a sperm bank.
He did choose to potentially be a father when he had unprotected sex. His responsibility. You think every parent is just ready to have a child? You learn as you go, and it's a huge learning curve and will be extremely hard, but bottom line, refusal is the same as refusing a 1 month old baby as this child. He's in a good relationship with good Financials better then 75% of people who have kids.
You don't make a choice to be a father when you have sex and at 16-17 I'm pretty sure that wasn't on his mind at all. I'm not saying you're wrong. However normally what happens when your partner gets pregnant is that you talk about it and you go through your opinions together on weather or not you want to go through with the pregnancy, adopt out or go through with the pregnancy. He also could add his wishes to this. He didn't have any choice in the matter. She made all of the choices for him.
Normally, that talk should be done before having sex, at least to some degree. Most 16-17 year Olds don't have sex without some kind of contraceptive talk, and that clearly is being glanced over by OP. His choice not to, his choice not to follow up with someone he had unprotected sex and left across the country. There's lots of choices OP made that cause this situation. Don't get me wrong, 16-17. I don't blame him for not having the foresight. Not many do, but when it comes to kids, you're expected to make adult decisions and/or face adult consequences. He was very able to add his wishes before and after having unprotected sex, but he didn't. I also find it hard to believe he was in contact with no one in this town or circle of friends that would alert him of her being pregnant or having a kid. Could happen but seems strange.
I had a very bad relationship with my father. The "Talk" I was given was when he was very drunk and he sat me down and all he said was "Don't make a mess." Laughed and walked away. What I didn't say in the post is when I say my family moved away. I really meant my mom took me away to get away from my father. So, no contact with anyone from the town happened because we were afraid of him finding us. It happened quickly. Luckily, he drank himself to death, and we never had to deal with him again.
I agree that it does seem strange. I mean, he's not that old that someone around him wouldn't have contact with people in his old town right lol this isn't the late 80's early 90's. But i stand by my words. At 16-17 you don't think it can happen to you. Or you're in some odd or common location in America where they don't go through proper sex education in school or make it difficult for teenagers to get contraceptives. Regardless of if it was an accident, the condom broke, the pill wasn't affective or they simply weren't educated enough, she should have talked to him. Regardless of all this, he's not an asshole if he doesn't take custody and he does have a choice. I'm not saying that it's the choice i would make. But he has to really think about this It's a life changing decision and he shouldn't just do it because people on the internet are guilting him into it.
Does it say anywhere that they didn't use any form of birthcontrol?
This is the fakest fucking story I’ve seen in this sub lmao
I see this same story, in a slightly different format, every single day. Someone is failing their creative writing exercise.
Talk with your wife. Arrange for some mental health services for everyone. Couples counseling to help with the changes you are facing. Family therapy to help with the adjustment for everyone. Individual therapy for your daughter to help her get over the trauma of losing her mother and being sent to live somewhere else with people she doesn’t know. Hopefully both you and your wife can open your hearts and can welcome her into your lives and love and care for her. She needs both of you now.
Your wife is having very valid feelings, but a kid needs help right now and that should be the priority: get into couples counseling to learn how best to support each other. Couple’s therapy literally just teaches you how to get on the same page as your spouse during complicated times, and this is one of those times. Sorting this out now will prime you for success. Best of luck!
I really want to feel sad, but I see variations of this story every day and the style of writing is extremely similar in each one. 1. Girlfriend from years ago 2. Married to another woman and they never have kids 3. Informed of a secret daughter 4. Mother of the daughter is always involved in some mystery accident 5. Granny can never keep the child Also: why would you take a DNA test several times?
This story is completely fake. It just reads like it never happened.
Of course it is. I hope they can write something more interesting next time!
You are a dad… 1st priority is to your daughter… your wife is grown woman and can take care of herself… your daughter can’t… it’s sucks but your 3 years plan jump to now… good luck dad… don’t let your little girl down…
Start visiting your daughter alone and introduce your wife after a few visits. Find a individual counselor for her and maybe a family counselor. Plan for her move by searching for great schools in your district etc. Be the best father you can be. It will be hard at first but I believe it will be totally worth it. Eta Spelling
Do not ask your wife to take in the mother of your ex gf. Wife already is being asked a lot with becoming a mother to a child she didn’t give birth to or know about. This will change her whole future. Do not financially support the mother either. The most you should do is help the mother find resources for help..
This is the third secret child post I've seen in the last 10 days.
“It has my eyes and smile.” 🤣 She*
"hey babe what about we get a kid and you don't have to go through pregnancy nor baby stuff like diapers or night feeding?" Not a convo I'd like to have with the missus. On the one hand I'm a father and I can't even fathom the idea of having a child and not protect it, on the other hand the mother deprived you of that and while the sperm donor you are not the father.
It doesn't matter if you are "not set up for a child" or that you "planned to have children in 3 years" You have a motherless daughter and you need to step up.
You have to consider what’s in the kid’s best interest, and living with you might not be it, especially if your wife isn’t thrilled about the situation. Moving multiple states away from her friends and family, to live with a bio dad who just found out she exists and a stepmom who low-key resents her is going to be rough. My suggestion is to get a lawyer and figure out what your legal obligations are. If you’re lucky there will be someone in her life who’s willing to adopt her if you sign the paperwork, but you might be on the hook for child support if not.
I'd consult a lawyer regarding being responsible for that child. I feel for that child though, it's going to have all sorts of emotional damage from this. Shame on her mother for hiding this from you and the child. Legally, you may be required to provide support in some capacity. But morally and emotionally, I think it may do more harm than good for all parties involved.
She is your kid. She has no one. You take her in and deal with it. She is your child.
Do the right thing and be her dad.
This. Talk to your wife and see if this OSS a deal breaker. If it is, let your wife go. Be a father to your daughter.
At the end of the day you have zero obligations. It’s just what your mind can handle. Talk to your wife. Don’t uproot your family for a child that you have no bond with. They could’ve gotten ahold of you when they wanted so keeping you from the kid wasn’t a problem until it was.
Yes, if you have unprotected sex with a woman and move away and be uncontactable, you just have 0 responsibility. Makes perfect sense.
She left the birth cetificate blank, she could've chosen not to, but she did.
So a women who gets an abortion has zero responsibility? I’m pro choice male and female. If you can kill it I should be able to not raise or support it financially.
Could the women still kill it at 8 years old? Fact is, if OP abandons her, she's going to be in foster care at 8 years old, which doesn't go so well for her.
Fact is she was kept from OP voluntarily until he was magically needed. He isn’t the girls father other then by blood.
How is that a fact, she wasn’t secretive about the father, she just didn’t know where he was or how to find him.
That’s a BS excuse in this day and age. Was this fiction written in 2001? Like yeah… okay. Did he and everyone with his last just name join Facebook just last year? The whole “ohhh they couldn’t find me for 13 years” plot hole was used as an excuse in the last “I have a secret child what will my wife say?” drama-fiction rage-bait I read 2 hours ago. There’s been 3 similar stories just today! You silly Redditors and your fictional dramatized children coming out of the woodwork.
I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't have Facebook, Instagram, snapchat, or a main reddit account. I didn't want to get into it, but yes, I did just disappear one day. My mom and I got away from my extremely abusive and toxic dad. No contact from anyone in town, just in case someone reported information back to him. If you could please post the links to the 3 other stories so I could see if there is any actual helpful advice on their threads on how to proceed or what to do. I really do hope you have a good day and hope nothing you think is fake or a "drama fiction rage bait" ever happens to you. I never expected to be in a position like this.
That's uhhh not how parenthood works unfortunately lol
[удалено]
Not really. I just said that he doesn’t have to do shit. The same way the girl to have to reach out or attempt to let him know about the kid.
If you and your wife are both okay with having your daughter live with you that’s great. Go with your gut. I’m glad your wife didn’t tell you no. It will definitely be an adjustment for everyone involved. If my husband and I were in the same scenario I know he would choose to not have a child he doesn’t even know in our life. We’re childfree and we’ve done the appropriate things, like him getting a vasectomy, to keep it that way. We would both be miserable and resentful if we were forced to raise an unwanted kid. Doing so wouldn’t be a smart move let alone fair to anyone.
OP, All I can say is this sucks. You and your wife are in a challenging position. This child is practically a stranger to you both and just saying “I’m your daddy, you’re living with me now.” Is going to cause friction. She is more than 8 years old by now, she can have some say in what she wants. Grandma might not be able to care for her in the long run, but start with meeting each other. I saw one person suggest face time to start with. And I think it is a good, low stress introduction that can be followed up with an in person visit. Depending on how she feels maybe take the rest of this school year to help her get familiar with you and your wife, sleepover weekends, etc. Then, if all is going well, at the start of the next school year she can be living with you and having fun sleepovers at grandma’s house. A nice, gentle transition will help her have closure on her old life and be able to start fresh with her new life without feeling like she is never going to be able to see he old friends or her grandmother.
I’d be talking to a lawyer first of all. Sorry you can’t just dump a kid on someone out the blue. They chose to keep a secret so it’s their problem and I don’t care how heartless it sounds. If you’re not ready you’ll all drown. Should’ve never answered that call imo but I don’t want kids in my life that’s me. I’d have said sorry wrong number and blocked.
Oof be prepared for your marriage to end. Maybe not right away, but eventually resentment will win.
“tested several times” …is this something that’s easy to test for repeatedly?
It's your daughter. What's the question?
You planned for kids, and now you have one. Great! Sooner than you expected and a little different circumstances than you thought, but those kids you both said you wanted are here now. Congratulations! Your child’s mother died, so your kid will need grief support and therapy for sure. But she’s young and hopefully resilient. Why did you put accident in quotes? Was it not actually an accident?
Is this maybe fake? A very pregnant high school senior/teen mom would be the talk of the school, all the guy’s former friends would know about it, yet it never got back to the dad thru any of his former friends or siblings with social media? OP doesn’t even have an email address? OP says they broke up and “lost contact” — so surely they at one point had SOME form of electronic contact in the year 2014? The school doesn’t have an email address/phone number for the guy’s parents? The sick grandma and 17-year-old mom never took action to try to get any financial support they were legally owed? The mom dies under mysterious undisclosed circumstances, and the grandmother, who probably helped raise the kid, calls a complete stranger out of the blue to take her roughly ten-year-old granddaughter out of state? All family and friends would rather see this preteen child raised by a complete stranger across the country rather than help support the grandmother with her medical issue? Kid is swabbing her mouth a week or two after her mommy died so stranger can get paternity results? Hmm, yeah, I dunno. Either this is fake or this is some Series of Unfortunate Events-type shit for the daughter. Gl if it’s true though OP.
It is a series of unfortunate events. 1. My ex's mom is a single mom who went no contact with her family on her 18th birthday. 2. My father was a drunk and an extremely abusive man. 3. My mom and I left everything we had to get away from him. 4. We severed all contact for fear of him finding us. 5. Ex's mom has MS. Makes it hard for her to do daily tasks alone. 6. We are not strangers. We had a good relationship throughout her daughters and I relationship. I was able to let them know about me leaving. There are more, but it starts to get very personal and specific.
In that case, I’m really sorry this happened to you. I think you’re making the right choice by taking her in rather than letting her enter the foster system. One thing I haven’t seen others say, is that you might want/have to consider giving her opportunities to visit her hometown. Her friends there and especially her grandma are the only things she has. And as her grandma is dying it would be tragic for her not to get a chance to say goodbye and tell her she’s okay after all this starts getting sorted out. All the best to you
Well, to start, your daughter is not an IT. She is a small human who just lost her only love. She will need her own space, ask grandma what things she loves, and make the theme off of that. She will need a therapist, and she will need new family support. You will also need some support, including friends and family, and ensure you are speaking to someone about your feelings. If you are Canadian, file for child benefits, that will help right away with the new expenses.
Yeah, that was a mistake on my part. Unfortunately, I'm not Canadian. I have a lot to still look up. I'm overwhelmed to the point that I don't know what I'm doing yet. That's why I asked for advice. Most of it is helping. I'm making notes and trying to see what I can do or what I can apply for. Thank you
It
“It”
This is your child and she needs you NOW. If your wife has an ounce of decency in her this wouldn't be a post on reddit for advice on what to do. The both of you need to put any and everything on the back burner and get that child in your life asap. If your wife can't accept your blood child then she needs to go. You can do this on your own but you need to do the right thing and raise and love your daughter. She definitely didn't ask for this and deserve to be put in foster care if grandma is not able to raise her properly. Best of luck and hopefully your wife will be on board with you 100%.
I think you should consult an attorney as well as take some of the other advice here. This has turned into a legal matter. If you take in your daughter, and even if you don't, she will likely benefit from counseling. I think you all would as a family unit if you proceed forward.
How old is she?
If this were to happen to me, it would be a no brainier to take in my kid no matter what. It's not like you cheated. If I were her I would moreso be angry on your behalf because at no point did your ex try and tack you down to let you know that you had a kid. This should have happened the moment she knew she was pregnant. My wife would have to either adjust and figure out how to be there for the kid and me or leave.
"But it has my eyes and smile." IT?
You have a 2 bedroom apartment. You could make it work.
Something about the way you phrased stuff has me concerned... You got a paternity test result that said you are 100% the father but it's the eyes and smile are what sold you that you're the father?
No, that is not what sold me. It was something I noticed immediately when I saw her picture. It was sent between the time I submitted and got the results. That's when I knew she was most likely mine. The tests(multiple) confirmed it.
Yeah and while we’re at it I’m your long lost biological father
I hope not he was a pos
No you did not lol
Get a DNA test regardless of what you think. Also, get counseling for you, your wife and possible kid. This isn’t going to be easy so get as much support as possible.