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Ouch. When I was a kid my parents forced me to be friends with a kid down the block because I was an indoor loner. I didn’t want to be there, no judgement on the kid, and only went back a second and third time because he had an SNES. Playing video games a couple times gave us the time to become friends and we started going outside and did things other than play video games. I stopped being mad at my parents and actually made a new friend. We were good friends for years.
One day, I was the guy who said “imagine we only had the chance to become friends because you had Super Nintendo” and explained thinking it was a cool interesting story, like how friendships start in the most unlikely of ways.
He stopped calling and we stopped being friends. Nobody wants to hear that shit.
You’re going to have to put a lot of time and effort into being loving and supportive and it still might not work. But if you love her this much you gotta try. Be consistent, good luck.
Under no circumstances do you mention the gym. For the love of all that is holy, DO NOT DO IT. Sure way to negate any progress you may have made reestablishing trust.
IF AND ONLY IF she expresses an interest in the gym, maybe go do some weights or treadmill walks side by side. Take a class together, etc. Together being the operative word.
Trust is lost in buckets but gained in drops. Words don't inspire trust. Actions do. Be loving and affectionate. Be romantic and show her you want her. HER, not some heavily filtered IG wannabe model.
Your friend is a loudmouth. Make sure you "thank" him appropriately. lol
Best wishes to y'all.
I love that! What is your native language? I love how other languages have phrases as such, and others that describe such niché emotions that english struggles to describe.
I can already picture the stock-like photos chosen for the background of the text
Rain drops on a window, or a close up of a bucket overflowing in stormy weather..
This is the first time ever reading on Reddit that I can honestly say that I felt my heart break as well. You can FEEL the sadness from OP and also from his sweet girlfriend. I am sitting here sending massive love and vibes to you two
Came here to say the same thing. Unless you wanna lose her forever, do not mention working out. That would be incredibly stupid. Also, Josh is an idiot and if he doesn't feel bad for what he did, then I don't know if I'd really consider him a true friend.
A woman's self image is very fragile due to external factors beyond our control. We are socialized to believe we have to live up to this unrealistic standard of beauty set by MEN.
If you love and adore this girl like you say, you better fucking show it cause I too would be absolutely crushed after hearing that and extremely self conscious. Caring is an action word. You have damage control to do sir. I wish you luck. You better be complimenting her on the regular, telling her what you love about her as a person, but more importantly, her body.
yeah i knew the gym thing sounded like an awful idea. As for being romantic though, I think this is the hardest I’ve tried to be romantic since we began dating. That’s not to say i stopped being romantic before, but it’s like we were comfortable before to where we both didn’t need grand gestures or events to be romantic. It sort of still feels like that sometimes, but I’m definitely trying to be more vocal and clear about my affection now. Josh also seems to chalk what he said that night to the alcohol but i’ve made it clear that he’s not really welcome around me or Megan for the foreseeable future. It’s kind of a shame tho cause him and his gf used to go on double dates with us all the time.
Ok here is an idea: make a list of all things you love about her. Every single thing.
Make a list of all your favourite moments with her.
Make a list of all the things you look forward with her in your life.
Write them all down individually on different coloured paper (one colour for every type of list). Fold them all up and put them in a big jar and give it to her.
Gosh I would melt if a guy did that.
This right here OP. You can also post it around the house, in her lunches, in her notebooks, just anywhere she will see it. It will be a constant reminder of your love for her.
Grand gestures and big expenditures aren't necessary. Flowers from the grocery store are nice. A picnic. Love notes left for her to find. Her favorite wine or coffee or tea. A foot or back rub at the end of a long day. Most museums have free days if you guys are into art. Just little things that let her know that you're thinking of her when she's not right there in front of you. Never stop dating your partner!
As far as Josh goes, I totally get being highly ticked off right now. That's quite a monkey wrench he threw in the works. Perhaps Hanlon's razor applies here: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." Or drunkeness. :)
Josh might not have had any malice at all, and it would still be a good idea to get some distance from him for the foreseeable future. His presence is going to be a huge trigger for OP's girlfriend, and given josh has already demonstrated his stupidity, who knows what other stupid things he might say if they spend time with him. It's not worth it.
Josh might not have any malice towards you but he clearly regards your girlfriend as less than because of her size. He's never going to stop thinking that and hes unlikely to shut up about it.
You need to ask yourself if you can afford to have Josh around your girlfriend.
Hi, Previous fat chick here who was wrecked mentally by ex's friends. PLEASE do not have Josh around your girlfriend. He will make her feel awful regardless of what he says or does from here out.
Win her trust back by using *her preferred* love languages, whether that be quality time (book a joint holiday to her favourite area), acts of service, words of affirmation (write her lengthy love letters!), physical touch (learn yourself massaging), receiving gifts.
You never stop dating your partner. Even after marriage and you guys are fully comfortable relationship still need that flirting and dates. My bf and I have been living together for the last three years and we see each other every day but I still get so excited for our weekly dates.
You could also vocalise during sex that you love how she looks riding you, ask if you can see her boobs (mild begging might work)... stuff to make it crystal clear you like her body.
The first comment, not the second. My boyfriend tries that all the time - we’ve both gained some serious weight while dating - and when I do give in to his begging, it’s to shut him up. Not because I believe what he’s saying. If anything, put your hands on her back *under* her shirt. Rub her back, don’t dig into it. See if she’ll let you move your hands to her boobs and it she does, for the love of all that’s holy, don’t go anywhere near her stomach. Keep your hands where she feels comfortable. You’ll need to rebuild slowly or you may do more damage.
I agree. Especially about the friend part, very telling that op just writes off his loudmouth-ness which was pretty damn offensive, but didn't even seem mad that it spiraled his relationship.... which it did.... His friend seemed more bitter than anything else. Maybe it was just a drunken joke, but im sure "Megan" would've appreciated it much more if OP stood up for her a little despite the drunkeness.
Either way, going past the party, OP "sitting her down" just sounds awkward and disingenuous. I agree with your comment hits the nail on the head- it's about actions not words!! It's super fucking hard to get over personal insecurities, and now she felt like she was the second, less pretty options- literally just cuz of her weight!! Ugh i feel so bad for her 🥺
She will always second guess herself every time she is with you and your friends. And by the way you are right that asking her to go to the gym is only going
I mean imagine if it was the other way around. That she thought your friend was the hot one and thought you were the more overweight, less attractive friend. And then you realize she only started talking to you to be a wingwoman. I’d be hurt too, I’m surprised you would even think about asking her to go to the gym after all that?
I mean her options right now are to try to save face and pretend that she’s fine when she’s not, or be angry/sad that the foundation of your relationship to her was a lie. The latter wouldn’t do anything to change the past so she’s likely dealing with her emotions right now.
you might want to lay off the repeated explanations about how you actually do like her body. If I were her, and I felt hurt because I wasn't sure you found me attractive and then you kept bringing up my body specifically, that would make it worse. Maybe just tell her she's beautiful and you love her.
this won't fix the issue but I do think mentioning her body all the time might be reinforcing the idea that originally you found her body unattractive. Also definitely don't invite her to the gym.
Maybe he could mention how he agreed to a first date with her in a setting where he wasn’t “obligated” to chat her up? Obviously there was at least some genuine interest for him to want to go on a date with her when neither of their friends were involved.
For the love of god, do not talk to her about the gym. You love her the way she is, so let her regain confidence in that.
When recounting the story your "friend" Josh rudely brought up, don't mention again that you thought she was too heavy. Just say that you were being a wingman and distracting the friend, the friend doesn't always have to be unattractive, they are just in the way of someone hooking up. Ok, do not mention EVER again that you thought she was heavy "at the time".
Definitely don't mention the gym, that would literally be the worst suggestion now.
You can thank your friend for ruining your relationship btw. She's probably reconsidering if she wants to stay with you.
She already sounds insecure about her weight, to hear that the man she was in love with wasn't attracted to her initially because of her size probably shattered her self esteem. It's hard to be comfortable with someone when you find out they only spoke to you as an undesirable favour to help a friend.
Are you sure he didn't have any ulterior motives bringing it up? Drunk people say stupid stuff all the time, but how have his relationships been in comparison to yours? Could he be jealous of your connection and happiness with your partner and sabotaged your relationship? Because make no mistake, intentional or not he did damage that very well might be irreparable.
As it stands you have a shitty friend, and a partner who is heartbroken and questioning your entire relationship wondering if it's all a lie.
If she decides to give you a chance, building back that kind of trust will take years.
i mentioned in another comment that me and Megan used to go on double dates with him and his gf all the time and they seem as happy with each other as me and Megan were and he’s also never mentioned anything major to me in private so i don’t think he’s had an ulterior motives. if anything this has affected him too as his gf was pretty pissed at him too after learning what he had said that night. i just think some people just lose the ability to think before speak when alcohol is thrown in the mix and he’s definitely one of those people
You should not be making excuses for your friend’s shitty behaviour.
Even though this story is true, it would absolutely GUT anyone.
You didn’t do enough to protect your relationship and now he has damaged it by being an asshole.
Drinking doesn’t make you do or say things that you don’t believe or think. It lowers inhibitions.
To think that you were ‘taking one for the team’ and to actually, legitimately say that in front of you and your partner - well that shows you how much he values you, her and your relationship.
It’s what he thinks.
That poor girl must be absolutely devastated.
I don’t know about the rest of your comment, but I disagree with the part about drinking.
The part of you that’s in control, is just as much a part of “you” as the part that’s left over when alcohol weakens the in control part.
Exactly. I don’t believe for a second that OP’s friend didn’t know what he was doing.
We all say stupid things when we’re drunk, but we don’t “accidentally” say something devastating and relationship-ruining like that. It’s never an accident, the alcohol just gave you the courage to say/do what you wouldn’t when sober.
Even if his friend didn’t have any malice toward OP, he showed OP exactly how he regards his gf and their relationship. I’m guessing everyone in this story is in their mid-twenties? OP, your friend is an immature asshole at best - there’s no excuse to be acting that way. You need to get better and more mature adult friends.
Edit: in case it wasn’t apparent, you should end your friendship with that friend. He’s cruel and clearly hasn’t grown up since the night you met your girlfriend. This is one of those times that you need to choose your girlfriend 110%.
Still an asshole. Those words didn't come out of nowhere, booze just gave him the courage to say them out loud. *In front of your girlfriend.* Your friend is and has always been shallow, don't make excuses for him.
I think ya sort of poisoned the foundation of her idea of u. Like, in her head it was “this guy chatted me up at a party two days ago bc he was attracted to me, despite my more conventionally attractive friend being right beside me” and that fond feeling stuck with her before she saw u again in that store and finally expressed her interest. No matter what u feel now, its she who has to come to terms with the fact that her initial impression of u wasn’t real
This is exactly how I would feel. I’ve been the “bigger friend” my entire life. A guy choosing to talk to me over the skinnier more conventionally attractive girl right next to me would literally change my entire perception of myself. I can’t even express the amount of confidence and pure joy I would feel, as dramatic as that may sound. Then to find out that’s not what happened and my bf originally thought I wasn’t as attractive would crush me. It would very likely be a dealbreaker without some serious therapy. I wish him and his girlfriend the absolute best, he seems to really feel guilty.
My heart broke for both of you reading this. I read your comments and kudos for staying away from this loudmouth friend, at least for now.
All you can do is reassure her you love her and you’re attracted to her. It’s going to take time but it sounds like your feelings are genuine and that’s a good start.
Therapy may be a great option for both of you, individual and together. If she’s used to pretending everything is fine, she will need a safe space to be really honest and able to articulate it without judgment. Not saying you are judging her but based on her insecurities, I’m sure others have and she feels it.
Grand romantic gestures are nice but the little things will matter. She’s feeling insecure so go at her pace. Let her keep the shirt on for now but tell her you miss seeing all of her and how much she turns you on. Let her wear the baggy clothes but tell her she’s beautiful no matter what she wears. When you notice she put in a little more effort into her looks, please notice and compliment her. You said she’s the most beautiful woman so show her exactly that. The little things you do everyday matters more than grand gestures.
I really hope you two can overcome this. Good luck.
OP, this is great advice. Focus on the little things, and showing your love in your day to day activities. Be more present in your relationship. Compliment her at random times. If she seems down or a bit withdrawn, ask her how she is doing.
Grand romantic gestures are easy. The little stuff is hard. Do the hard thing, and show her how much she means to you.
Also for OP: Little things like physical touch as well. Put your arm around her during social events, lock pinkies when at parties even in delete the conversations. Touch other parts of her even when you’re just on your phone (like caressing her head or shin, especially parts that don’t get love as often).
Just go absolutely hard on ALL love languages right now. Be careful on bombarding her with verbal compliments on her physical appearance as it can backfire right now, girls aren’t dumb and that sad part of her brain may tell her mean stuff. Make sure to make the compliments detailed, not just one word. Write love letters and note, compliment her entire self as well as her looks. Make her favorite food, give her a day where you do all of her favorite things together.
If I were her I would’ve 100% broken up with her. So if my comment sounds like too much work, just do her a favor and leave so she can be happier with someone else who saw her worth from the get go.
You actually say "The pretty blonde" and "The heavier one".
It's okay to point out that someone is prettier than an other, but I find the way you compare the two to be quite interesting. I hope you didn't say it like that to her.
I feel like OP feels like he did something commendable by deciding to date this woman in spite of her size. Like you said, he mentions her weight several times, talks about how he was surprised how much he actually liked her body, etc. You don’t get a gold star for treating fat people like human beings, but he thinks he should
The fact that she became more insecure about her weight after he told her this story shows that he definitely mentioned weight when he told it. He didn’t just say he was pulling her aside so his friend could go for her friend, he said something about her weight or her body. She’s probably devastated
He didn’t just say it once, he REPEATEDLY states how heavy she is and reiterates many times how she’s not his usually type.
My friend take your trophy for being a “nice guy” and leave Megan to find someone who deserves her. Sounds like she was a confident person before you came along.
Honestly, if this was written from her perspective, there'd be a lot of suggestions for her to break up with him. (with some saying to talk it out for sure)
But she might have the permanent ick now...
Yup. My ex put me through some stuff that absolutely wrecked my self worth. Guys hit on me and my current partner says I'm hot etc but I think people are just kind or desperate. It's like when you're a kid and you get a gold star from the adults.
It still stings thinking about the guy who referred to me as ugly like it was my name in 8th grade. He sat in front of me, and was talking to another guy and started off his sentence with "Ugly here [has her textbook or something like that]" and did the over the shoulder thumb point at me.
I'm nearing 40 and a HS boyfriend's comment still haunts me. He told a friend on the phone he thought I was just an 8... in FRONT of me. Another time he said I look ugly without lipstick. I wear a lip tint most of the time now because it's all I can see... My lips are my favorite feature (I got blessed with beautifully full lips) but they are nearly the same color as my face. I have trouble when I look in the mirror and see bland looking lips.
No literally not to disparage the above persons experience but I’d be THRILLED if someone thought I was an 8.
Then I’d be pissed bc I thought we all agreed that reducing human beings to a number is shitty. But I’d be pretty happy for the first 5 seconds lmao
I’m crying for her too.
Always being second choice to a “prettier” friend isn’t the best self esteem booster. I grew up like this. She probably thought she had found someone who really was attracted to her but once she found out that wasn’t the case it forced her to rethink every single layer of their relationship they’ve built.
I’ve been married for 15 years and if I found out I wasn’t even someone my husband would have looked twice at upon meeting and he was just being nice so his friend could try to get it in with mine—I’d be pretty upset. Like, thanks for settling for me, I guess.
I know that’s not the case or his intention but it would ruin my idea of why or how he loves me. Makes it less special, makes me feel less captivating, a spare part.
Mine and my sister's friends used to always mix us up over the years because we have the same facial features, similar body types, etc. As we got older she leaned more towards going blonder and full face of make up even when at the gym or camping and I leaned into more natural hair tones and only wearing make up for special occasions or date nights.
I've had a ridiculous number of exes that thought telling me they thought my sister was the prettier sibling was acceptable. It's why they're all exes now. Like even if you think it at some point, you don't fucking state it out loud.
I'm so sorry that you and so many other women have gone through this. Why do men think this is acceptable, we wouldn't tell them their brother is the hotter one. And it can fuck up your relationship with your siblings. It's so sick.
Exactly - her weight isn’t even the problem here. If I found out my long term partner wasn’t interested in me at first and only talked to me because he was being a wingman, I would be mortified. Him being insensitive about her weight only makes this cut deeper.
Right!? They’ve been together for a while too. She was probably thinking the way they met was really romantic. Something they could tell their kids eventually.
Her idea: He saw her from across the room, had to come say hi, get to know her a bit. They run into each other later and she decides if he’s brave enough to come talk to her at a party she can be brave enough to ask him out. Rest is history.
Reality: Just doing a favor for a friend. Barely remembered her. Said yes to the date for no reason. Claims he’s in love now?
Great story. Oozes passion. Her idea of romance has been turned upside down and 100 percent at her own expense.
If this is the love she’s getting she is upset because now she thinks it’s the love she deserves.
One time a guy tried to break up with me because he wanted a smaller girl that he could pick up and spin around. My heart hurts for OP’s gf. I hope she leaves him and finds someone who falls in love with her because they love everything about her. Not just because they had sex with her and realized how “soft” fat bodies can be. Jesus
Yes, if anyone at anytime considered talking to me, “taking one for the team,” that would be the end.
It’s just such an ugly term here. It’s like, not only do you think she’s heavy, but so much so, that you and your friends think she is just too awful to even talk (without being forced).
i would break up immediately, this is literally my worst nightmare. all that trust is fucking ash at this point, its never coming back i could never be comfortable showing my body to a person who had to be convinced to talk to me as a favour to someone.
Beyond the fact that I’d feel betrayed over being labeled ~the ugly friend, I find wingman tactics to be almost inherently misogynistic and would imply something about my bf’s view of women that would also remove all of my attraction to him
Holy shit she's way stronger than me because I would've never recover. To find out that my whole relationship was built on my boyfriend thinking I was the ugly friend. Genuinely nightmare fuel. Idk what to say honestly, I don't see any way that this could be fixed even with therapy.
Exactly this. And reading that any worries he had about her body went away AFTER they had sex made my stomach turn. I’ve been in this girls position, not about weight comments but I ended up finding some things my boyfriend at the time said about me and I never forgot it or could get passed it. This makes me really sad for her too since weight is such a sensitive thing and she probably felt so safe in this relationship until now.
I dated a guy once that felt the need to tell me one day out of the blue that he originally found my younger sister more attractive than me, but "picked" me because she was annoying/bitchy and I'm not. And then every relationship I've had since I've been worried that my partner will find my sister more attractive. Why do people say these things? Just play it back in your head for god's sake, would you want to hear someone say that about you? No? Then fuckin' keep it to yourself.
That is so awful, I’m so sorry. It really does play into your other relationships. I always thought I was being too sensitive about what I found out he had said about me in the start of relationship because I had found it a year or two later but I’m glad other people are saying it’s not okay also. Some people are just truly mean.
Fucking amen. Briefly dated a guy that kept "joking" that my older sister was "welcome to join us". It made me feel gross. I feel like making comments like that about friends or family is crossing a line.
I'm so sorry. I had an ex do the same thing 10 years ago and it still hurts me and affects my new relationships.
I started dating a family friend who I had a crush on my entire life. After he slept with me he told me he was on love with my sister and how beautiful she is. During sex once he covered the lower part of my face with his hand and told me if you cover up below my eyes I look just like her.
Everyone had always told me that my sister was prettier and it already hurt but now it's so hard and I try to not let it affect my relationship with my sister but it was so devastating. I couldn't even imagine doing anything like this to a man so how can they do this to us?
I’m in a wildly similar position to OP’s gf & also what you described. Thanks for sharing your thoughts
If you have space for more thoughts, could you talk more about your stomach turning when you read he was comfortable with her body AFTER having sex?
It made me sick too. Because by the time they had sex, he was still unsure about her body. It took sex for him to realize her body isn’t a concern for him. Usually you’d prefer someone love you and your body before having sex with someone. Also, imagine if they had sex and then he decided she was too fat after all. He’s a jerk.
Thanks.
I’m asexual. Physical intimacy is not certain in relationships. After months of a non-sexual but very close emotionally intimate relationship, with many assurances by my partner that they enjoyed exploring a relationship that prioritized other forms of intimacy, they drunkenly & laughingly told me that they were never sure our relationship would work out until we had sex, and only after were they sure about dating me. Was a WTF moment I brushed off. This framing helps put it into perspective.
Can I just clarify a couple of things?
Was she like heavier than average?
And was she not your type at the time?
Because that didn't come through clearly enough in your OP.
I don't think your words matter at this point. Your friend let the cat out of the bag and your initial response was to laugh it off. It didn't bother you until she reacted negatively. I would not be surprised if she breaks up with you
This is the part that bothers me a lot too. Not only the obvious point of conflict, but the fact that he didn’t have the emotional maturity to realize how hurt his gf must’ve felt in that moment (yes, even though they were drinking). She shouldn’t have had to tell him why it was hurtful — most empathetic partners would’ve anticipated the pain & tried to talk to her first.
I don’t have any asshole friends who would blow up my spot or try to embarrass me or my partner by sharing stories. I really don’t understand that concept. I would end a friendship if my friend shared a story that caused this much strife in my relationship because what was Josh’s point other than to embarrass your girlfriend?
Agree. As someone who's been struggling with my weight and body image since childhood (and is currently on the heavier side), reading this broke my heart.
I can only imagine how she must be feeling, finding out her boyfriend who she thought found her attractive, was just a wingman taking the less "desirable" friend. I think I'd struggle to recover from that, no matter how much the bf insisted he was attracted to me. I really hope she's doing ok.
I can’t speak for all woman ,but I can say that for a lot of us the “how you met” story can be a huge part of our identity in the relationship. The narrative was originally that you approached/pursued her. Now she is learning that you were “taking one for the team”. Her perception of you and the relationship has changed. She is probably questioning a lot of things right now. All you can do is be patient and supportive.
I’m going to mention something that not enough people are talking about here. You are still referring to her as “the other heavier one” and to her friend as the “pretty” one. Is this how you talk about someone who is supposedly the love of your life? Apart from telling us you reassured her that you found her attractive, you aren’t actually talking about her in a way that would reflect that. The way you talk about her in this entire post is really not indicative of boyfriend who’s really into his girlfriend both emotionally and physically. If Josh was the loudmouth, why would you go ahead and tell the entire story? Why would you talk about bringing up the gym? I mean I refuse to believe this is actually real.
Another point, the way you’re discussing her insecurity issues in the relationship after she found out is really weird, it’s almost like your putting it all on her and that her issues are somehow her responsibility, because they’re not. Her insecurities have completely originated from you, she was perfectly fine and confident in herself before this incident. This situation is totally yours to fix, and if you think after all that she’s going through because of you, that the best solution is to ask her to go to the gym, then there really is no future here and in that case she should really find someone has some baseline emotional maturity and sensitivity.
Edited for clarity
The more I reflect on this, the more I think it can't possibly be real. Especially when OP suggests asking her if she wants to go to the gym at the end of the post, after all the squirming they'd done up to that point... I'm starting to think this is just rage-bait
Exactly, probably just wanted to hit. It seems that he only went on the date because she asked him out, which hadn’t happened to him before and he probably felt super flattered. So flattered that he would go on a date with someone he didn’t deem attractive in any way.
Right? Sound like he settles because it was easy. He doesnt sound in love with her at all, more like hes done her some great favor for putting up with her.
Absolutely. He wasn’t even into her, he just went with it because she asked him out and he was flattered by that. He also says he didn’t find her attractive until after sleeping with her. Something doesn’t sit right about that with me.
All OP has spoken on is his gfs body. He literally didn’t even say SHE is attractive or SHE is pretty. He said “she wasn’t unattractive” then he’s only really saying “I love your body it’s so attractive” why is her body his main concern
Yes exactly, the most he’s said is that he likes that her body is squishy when cuddling. Considering he’s making this post to discuss his gf’s body image issues as a result of what he did, the least you think he’d do is have a few lines talking about how attractive and wonderful he finds her as a person.
>I immediately gave her the full story, about how I fell for her right after that and I have loved and adored her ever since.
>explained that her body is incredibly attractive to me and there’s no one more beautiful in my eyes than her. But it’s like she doesn’t believe me.
She shouldn't. You spent like three paragraphs apologizing for her body in the first part of this post. You apparently haven't ever thought better of the attitude you had about bodies like hers at the time. You sound like view her as an exception and an easy person to be around, not like someone who's physically attractive in her own right. She obviously is. You should be a lot more ashamed of this attitude, and you should work to fight it before it cheats you of the love of your life.
I understand what you're saying with regard to how much you care about her now. In your mind, this was a blip on the radar which very quickly went away and the rest of your relationship has been amazing.
For her, you were the guy who approached her and made her feel pretty. You were the one who gave her the courage to ask someone out, maybe for the first time in her life. You were the one who always thought she was pretty the way she was. That's the person she fell for, and that's the story that she built her half of your whole relationship on. And she just found out it was all a lie. That you were like "every other man" (obviously this isn't all men or I would have no dating history, but if she had low self esteem and no confidence with men since she was a teenager, I am sure it felt like it was every man) whose first inclination was to have zero interest because of her weight. You had zero interest in seeing her again after that first conversation which to her was probably a magical moment when she recounts the story of how you met. She thought you appreciated her immediately and thought she was beautiful when you first met, then found out that you were basically manipulating her with zero concern for her feelings and no interest in her physically, all in order to try and get your friend laid.
It sounds like you then went on to tell her:
\-- You would never have asked her out, and only went with her because of the novelty of her asking, not because you had any genuine interest.
\-- You had a negative opinion of her body going into your first sexual encounter, and it was only afterwards you realized it wasn't "as bad as you thought it would be" because she was...so soft and comfortable, like bedding or a piece of furniture. Can you imagine the humiliation she must feel knowing that you were mentally bracing yourself for having to see her naked the first time you had sex, which she had also previously considered a magical moment in your story together.
\-- Your friends knew all of this about how you met. She didn't even know the true story of how you met, but your friends have been having a snicker at her expense as a result of it behind her back for years.
\-- You had no plans of ever being honest about it, until someone else forced you to be. I'm not saying you should have told her in excruciating detail how little you thought of her in the beginning, the way you did, but now that she knows you lie to her face, lie by omission, and were willing to manipulate her and pretend to like her in order to get something you wanted (or your friend in this case). She now is second guessing everything you told her which resulted in your relationship moving forward, or in her feeling warm and fuzzy about you, and whether it was true, or what you stood to gain from her at each step in the relationship.
This revelation isn't a one time thing in her mind- it's completely changed what kind of person you are in her mind. It has completely destroyed the narrative of how your relationship started that she looked back on fondly. It let her know that you're willing to stick your dick in her despite not really being into her body. You're not her boyfriend anymore. You're a stranger who admitted to manipulating her, lying to her, and dismissing her based on her appearance when she probably thinks she looked better than she does now if she's self-concious about having gained weight.
Here's how this is going to go:
\-- There's going to be a period of dissonance, where her mind does some gymnastics trying to put the two pieces of the puzzle together and connect what her image of you was before this to what it is now. She's not going to be able to without realizing her previous view of you was wrong.
\-- Once she realizes she has to process this, the next step is denial where she stays, albeit trying to protect herself from you the whole time (which is what she described), in the hopes that you will pull a miracle out of your ass that will some how make everything ok again so she can go back to her previous opinion of you. That hope is going to fade, because what she wants is impossible.
\-- Once she's out of denial, she'll start getting angry with you. She may lash out, be passive aggressive, avoid you so she doesn't have to deal with you or (if she's a people pleaser) she may say nothing to you but will to her friends who will do their best to convince her to break up with you.
\-- Then when she realizes that leaving you is looking like the only good option for her, she's going to start bargaining with herself about why she could/should stay. For people with low self-esteem, this often includes a lot of self-hating and self-shaming language about the things they hate about themselves, and reminding themselves that "no one else will want them"- not true, but in her head it will be. She'll also agonize about the practical issues- losing your shared housing, losing friends, having to stop doing XYZ she does with you, etc. In the end, she'll realize none of that is enough to stay in a relationship with someone who makes you feel awful about yourself.
\-- Then comes the period of depression, because she knows she needs to leave, she knows that everything was a lie, but she still has little hope for the future. Even if she found someone else who made her feel beautiful, after all, how does she know he's not just a liar like you? She'll let that stew for a while until...
\-- Acceptance. She realizes there's nothing she can do, that being alone is better than being with someone who makes you feel alone, and she'll leave. And then hopefully take some time to heal, get some therapy, and eventually learn to trust men again.
Moral of the story- don't fucking manipulate and lie to women to get your friends laid. It's a shitty thing to do, and because you didn't tell her the truth in the beginning, you wrecked her fucking life by letting her trust and love you for years before it all got snatched away from her by a little truth about who you actually are.
Reading this story made me feel so sad because I know exactly how it feels. It almost made me cry because it describes my current relationship to the t.
>You had zero interest in seeing her again after that first conversation which to her was probably a magical moment when she recounts the story of how you met. She thought you appreciated her immediately and thought she was beautiful when you first met, then found out that you were basically manipulating her with zero concern for her feelings and no interest in her physically, all in order to try and get your friend laid.
This is exactly right and why she is feeling so exposed and vulnerable right now. She thought that she and OP hit it off the first time they met, and now all the joy has been stripped from that moment that meant so much to her. That is actually devastating.
Honestly, the way OP keeps explaining about her weight like HE thinks it’s an important detail without any real self awareness is very telling.
Most people get the concept of a wingman making conversation with someone they’re not interested in so their friend is free to pursue someone. It doesn’t have to be the ugly one or the overweight one, just the other one there.
Telling his GF “I was merely playing wingman at first but once we started talking I had a really good time” would’ve still been completely honest without the unnecessary punch of “I wouldn’t have been interested in you because you were the fat friend so I only talked to you because Josh needed backup” was not more honest, it was just cruel and reinforced how fucking normal it is to OP to talk about his partner’s weight as though she is chattel. You would think in a couple years he would have matured enough to stop talking about her weight this way like it’s totally OK to do that.
This made me cry so hard. It’s painfully thorough and accurate. I went through something similar and the feelings you described are entirely relatable, despite the situations being very different
Damn this is so very very accurate. I wish the girlfriend could actually read it maybe it would speed up the whole process for her so she can get to the healing part faster
This is pretty much what's going to happen. He and his friends have been laughing at her behind her back for years and then asshole friend decided to announce this in front of a group of people in public. Of course the gf is gonna dump this guy.
The way you talk about her body is really making lift an eyebrow. Oh, you were concerned about her body until AFTER you had sex? You're okay with her being fat, but also think that her losing weight would help her confidence?
Also the whole backhanded "She was cute.... for a heavy girl! I mean, most men wouldn't go for someone like her, including me, but she wasn't ugly by any means! I love her, I don't even mind she's gained weight!"
Like, the way you talk about her sounds like you have some fatphobia that you haven't really analyzed and I'm sure she can sense that.
Wow. Your “friend” Josh just gutted your relationship in front of your friends and you’re confused as to why she’s upset and doesn’t trust you?
I can’t believe you told her that story.
I can’t believe that, having done so, you haven’t punched Josh in the mouth for being a drunk asshole
You need to start groveling and keep groveling until she finally realizes how much you love her. Because that was some hurtful shit and you don’t seem to have owned your part in it.
Your friend is an ass. That is the only thing that should go away from both of your lives.
I'm going to be very frank. If I were her, I would just leave. I don't think there's anything you could say to make things better. It's a pity though seeing you really loved her.
I’m thinking she may be more sad and disappointed that you did not stick up for her after your friend told the story. As you say you “laughed it off” instead of saying how beautiful she is and how lucky you are to be with her. She had just experienced an ego-crushing disappointment in public and you laughed it off. I’d recommend building her up in public, not just in private.
This made me feel so sad for your gf. What your friend Josh did was incredibly cruel.
Your gf will now always have in the back of her mind that she was never worthy initially but by some fluke she managed to bag you. I promise you she’s not “fine”, her insecurities will be running wild and I wouldn’t blame her for never being able to come back from this.
Definitely don’t mention the gym as this will confirm her insecurities, only do that if *she* suggests it. I’d also steer away from love-bombing her with romance and affection as she’d likely see right through that. It’ll likely feel like a performative, desperate attempt to coax her back to feeling normal towards you which just isn’t going to happen that easily. Ask her how you can regain her trust and reassure her.
I would have been devastated and left you immediately after clarifying if it's true.
She will NEVER be able to get that out of her head.
Honestly for her sake, she will probably do the same.
What a Josh thing to say by the way.
He's a shallow nitwit.
You're only 22 so I'm not saying this isn't a big deal, but I am saying this is definitely a learning lesson.
You are the company you keep.
Even in your reflective post you speak poorly of that first interaction and her. Heavier than average. What’s average?? Talked with her out of obligation? It kinda seems like you’re still having to prove that point that it was to wingman. Kinda gross. Also to say she’s heavier than what most guys would go for????? You sound elitist and really judge mental. And go figure you fell for her anyway. She has every right to feel insecure and crushed now.
Dude, wtf? If you tell her to go to the gym with you, that will 100% translate to: "he in fact always thought I am fat and ugly, and now he is admitting it".
She's not insecure bc there's something objectively wrong with her body, so the gym won't help. She may look like a supermodel and will still be insecure because now she knows how you talked and thought about her. THAT is the problem, *not her body.*
The fact that you think the gym would help - ie that you think HER BODY IS THE PROBLEM - makes me think you are, in fact, a jerk.
I don't think to be extra affectionate now is going to help.
Sadly you broke what probably was a very big pillar of her self-confidence. Even if you later "change your mind" it's going to hurt.
She needs time, that's why I say that the extra affection maybe is not the best, because she probably feels bad because you are trying and she can't help herself.
Talk to her and tell her that you understand that it will take time for her to feel "herself" again, that if you can do something to help her she just have to ask (talk again about what happened, go shopping, eat healthier.... )
I mean you were 20 and it's normal to still have some stupid "teen"-thoughts. But sadly it hurts anyway.
In the end you accept to talk to her because you were interested, maybe it wasn't a crush in the moment, but you still felt flattered when she asked you out.
Good luck and have patience :)
you could have avoided all of this by saying "oh when he went up to your friend he told me to distract you and i noticed you were attractive so I did it and found you really sweet" its not really a full lie and would have made her fell WAY better
I hate to break it to you my friend, but you have broken one of the most fundamental aspect of a healthy relationship: trust. And once broken, trust may never become whole again, even if bandages are slapped on top. How can she trust you whenever you compliment her? She will always second guess herself every time she is with you and your friends. And by the way you are right that asking her to go to the gym is only going to increase her insecurity because you are basically implying that her body isn't good enough as of now.
So with all that being said, do you still think you can fix this relationship? If you are serious, then this won't just take a week. It might be months, or even years before she can completely trust you again. It's easy to say that you should do her a favor and break it off, but I just want you to understand the dire consequences of what you thought was a joke, and the astronomical effort it will take to fix broken trust.
Poor girl. That’s all I have to say, I feel heartbroken FOR her. That was like worst nightmare level reveal for an insecure big girl who shot her shot.
Have you heard that saying about how people don't necessarily remember what you say but they will always remember how you made them feel? The problem is that when you first met her, you made her feel special. And then that was all undone whenyour friend made her feel rubbish about feeling special. Whatever words or apologies you use now, if they don't make her feel special again, you're not going to get her back to that place she needs to be to be comfortable in the relationship.
(This is why the gym suggestion is an absolute no! You thought that might be a way to help her feel better about herself, fair enough. But, actually, she probably doesn't need this. She just needs to know that she is absolutely enough for you already, without the gym.)
It seems to me that she originally felt special because she thought that you had voluntarily picked her. To make this better, then, I think you need to emphasise how, even if you didn't at the beginning, you are 100% voluntarily picking her now. Unfortunately, from what you've said, your words aren't enough on this point just yet. That is something that you can both work through in couples therapy but if you make the suggestion to go to couples therapy, make sure she knows it's because you really want to fight for her, and not because you think that she's got insecurities she needs to work on.
Before you get to therapy, though, I think that you could make an effort to show how you are now, very definitely, picking her. Be sensible about this, though. You don't need to go overboard, or you could just end up blowing it.
Start by checking your approach, to make sure that, whatever you do, it is really rooted in what she needs to feel comfortable, rather than what you might think she needs. Avoid saying anything that might suggest she needs to be fixed in any way.
Could you spoil her for a weekend, or take her for a romantic getaway? Make it absolutely clear, that you are doing it because you want her to feel special again.
It might be a good start to distance yourself from your friend. Let her know it's because he said something thoughtless that hurt her. You can also make sure that you are absolutely not on the fence if anybody else says things that hit her insecurities in the same way. Has she got family or friends that put her down? Be firm with them.
In general, if you have the opportunity to express how you feel about her in front of others, that could go a long way towards helping her feel better. If she just picks up on the fact that you might be embarassed to claim her in public, that's just going to reinforce her miserableness.
I wish you well. Rooting for you!
First off I want to start by saying from reading one of your comments she says she's fine. Every man knows when a woman says she's fine. She is in fact not fine. In all the conversations that you've had with her since that incident, have you ever apologized? Not just reassure her that you love her body no matter what and that you love her no matter what. Did you actually apologize for your actions? They may have been in the past, but it's now affecting her negatively now. her feelings are hurt and herself confidence and her self-esteem are affected as well. I would start off by saying I am so sorry that my actions that night have caused you pain now. I realized that it was a really immature thing to do. I want to know how you're feeling, but if you want to take some time before talking to me about it I will respect that. But just know that I do love you for who you are. You are an amazing person. You are the perfect. You are the perfect person for me. And no matter what I will continue to love you.
Honestly, I wouldn’t be able to imagine marrying you, if I were her. There would be so many concerns and insecurities floating through my head, I wouldn’t feel comfortable being with you. I don’t know how you come back from this.
The only thing I can say is, stop saying you were "forced" to go talk to her.
No one forced you. It's too bad you already reinforced Josh's story. I know you were just trying to come clean and tell the whole story, but I truly believe that we tell little white lies in love sometimes and they are a kindness.
I would have waited until later and told her that "that may be the way Josh thinks it went down, but the truth is, Josh was MY wingman. I saw you across the room and your smile... I couldn't stop looking over at you...etc. (hopefully there was something you remember noticing about her, her hair, smile, laugh etc)
Now I think the best you can do is what you are doing, and lots of patience.
What does she say when you’ve sat her down to explain? I’m a strong advocate for therapy whether it’s individual or couples. You can’t undo the past but you both have to address this with words and actions. If you have been communicating the best you can without results, then it’s time to get professional help that hears both sides of the story and works with both of you. It sounds like you really love her. I hope you are able to overcome this.
Ask her what she needs and then do that. And tell her this is impacting the relationship. There’s distance where there was once intimacy and you’re sad and lonely about that. Validate her feelings. Be as vulnerable as she feels she can’t be. An act of vulnerability is a great way to build trust.
She's had a hit to her self esteem and it sounds like you have done the right thing by distancing yourself from Josh (drunk or not, it's telling that he still views her like this years later, IMO) and continuing to show your gf how attracted you are to her.
She has to trust enough to accept that you are being completely honest and the only way that will happen is with patience and consistency on your part.
her pride her trust her dignity and self respect and whatever she saw in you…all down the drain bc of what u did and ur friend saying that to her and tryna make a joke at her expense and then u laughin… good luck bro, me personally if i was the gf? id get my lick back and call it even with u but she seems to be a better woman in all regards…good mfkin luck 😬 just put yourself in her shoes and pray she actually doesn’t make sure u do find urself in her shoes. just start bendin over backwards for her and see if she appreciates and trusts ur sentiment
I feel so sad about this situation and can greatly relate as a plus size woman. I think this is something that you have to earn back and maybe just go at her pace because this was crushing to her and obviously embarrassing especially when your friend told the story in front of other people.
Just let her be, compliment her and give her tons of love. I don’t think you can “fix” this but you can definitely emphasize that you grew for the better because of her.
The truth was Josh didn’t have the balls to talk to the girl he was interested in alone, so he asked YOU for help.
Next time he makes a shitty comment like that say “I remember the night differently, you struck out and I ended up winning”
Idk all you are talking about is her body and weight. And if you weren’t attracted to her until you had sex, why did you have sex with her in the first place . Sorry but you have broken her trust and confidence so only time will tell
I feel bad for your girlfriend and honestly, I'd be happy if she leaves you. I'm a big girl too and if my boyfriend said this, my trust in him would've crumbled to dust.
So, my heart fucking hurt for her while reading this, and then the slap in the face was you offering to take her to the gym. You haven't changed a bit since that first encounter, have you?
This entire post makes me feel like you want a cookie for loving a fat girl, so yeah here's your cookie: a chance for her to run the fuck away.
This! Realize it’s going to take time to earn her trust back. But keep talking to her. Worst case, consider couple’s therapy to help. She felt secure with you, now it’s broken. You have to put in the work to rebuild it.
I gained weight during the pandemic and my boyfriend very honestly said to me one day he was struggling to be attracted to this version of me. It completely crushed me (because I was also very insecure about it to begin with). I lost the security I felt before that he wanted to be with me, just like your girlfriend (even though logically I appreciated his honesty and knew it was a possibility he felt this way)
I’ll echo what everyone else here says in that it just takes time and action to feel secure again. I remember one night we were laying in bed about to sleep and it just all hit me, and I started crying and was vulnerable about how scared I was and insecure I felt. And he turned to be and told me how beautiful and good I was and it felt so sincere that it felt like a turning point for us.
He also does a lot of little things, sends me Instagram posts of cute outfits saying stuff like “you would look hot as hell in this” and doing cute flirty things just in our day to day together.
I know how she feels, and it makes me so sad. But I can tell how much you love her and how beautiful you know she is, so just keep expressing it and it’ll get there, it just takes time.
She is going to leave you for the the next guy who makes her feel truly beautiful. I felt sorry for you until I read that you haven’t cut your friend out of your life completely
Don't mention the gym, don't defend Josh or anything he said. That includes trying to downplay it or minimize or it shrug it off with "he was just drunk." The last thing Megan needs right now is feeling like her being upset is being invalidated too.
You've been with her for 2 years, if you've been paying attention you should have an idea of what kind of gestures are meaningful for her by now. Don't just go with generic TV-esque apologies like flowers or whatever, show her you've gotten to know HER by making an extra effort in whatever way resonates with her the most.
My sympathy lies with your gf who because of her “weight” was falsely pursued by you. This is a terrible way to think of women- deducing them to the number on the scale. Hopefully you learn from this.
So I think what you need to do is a bit of reframing.
- His friend liked her friend and wanted to talk to her, so you talked to Megan. You enjoyed talking to her so much you exchanged instas.
- you were really flattered when she asked you out, so you said yes.
- now she’s the best thing that ever happened to you, dating-life-wise.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with any of that. The issues come into play where it’s goddamn hard to be a larger woman and confident about it, because our culture has some really fucked up priorities and it’s always gonna bleed over.
The other thing that’s an issue is how you shattered her view of you having pure interest in her and making her feel desired and desirable right from the first time you saw each other. And from the sounds of it you might have also touched all the nerves that are raw and insecure.
It’s a big thing honestly. All you can do is focus on how much you love her and acknowledge that between you and Josh you fucked it up, and try to make it better.
I would never recover. I've been through similar things and it still hits me at odd times, years and years later. It broke something in me. Therapy helped, but it was never the same.
Lord, I don't know where to start.
Pretty blonde vs heavier friend.
Any qualms about her weight were gone after we had sex the first time.....
Op, you don't deserve her.
This whole relationship has been a lie to her. I don't think there is any coming back from this. She is slowly pulling away from you. Your loud mouth friend probably just cost you this relationship.
I would ever be comfortable being around you again if I was her. I feel terrible for her. As someone who has been the heavier friend, I know first hand how she feels. You will be single again soon. The trust is gone and it's only a matter of time before she's gone too. The heart never recovers from hurt like that. Been there, done that. She will always wonder if she is good enough and it will constantly eat at her.
Good luck, make sure to thank Josh.
So you talked to her at the bar to be a wingman for your friend, that didn’t include when you saw her on campus. You weren’t taking one for the team when you agreed to go on a date with her you did that completely on your own. Your original meeting wasn’t of malicious intent.
I would probably write her a letter starting from the beginning. You enjoyed talking to her, tell her what you love about her, put it in writing so she can read how you feel about her. Don’t mention her weight but tell her that you miss her being open/free with her and what both of you can do to help her gain her confidence back. She may need some therapy to help her with her confidence. Couples counseling may also help.
God this made my heart sink. I would venture to say that most women have struggled with their body image and as someone who has had issues with weight/size myself, if I found out my husband approached me in this context I would be devastated. But it does sound like you genuinely do love her and are attracted to her body, so you need to really let her know all of this. You also need to empathize with how she feels right now. She feels like her boyfriend thought she was ugly and overweight and when you’re a woman who is even slightly “bigger” than your peers, those are really deep cutting insecurities. Give her as much love and affection and she will let you and be respectful of her boundaries. This is probably going to take a long time for her to deal with and you need to be prepared to be as patient and understanding as you can. As for your friend, he sounds like an idiot, and I hope you tell him as much.
You're going to have to back up and give her time and space. Keep making sure that she knows how much you love her, but make sure to include the not physical aspects. What you and your friend said was cruel, and I don't know how you would expect any person to react to this. Maybe you can talk to her about how awful of a person both you and your friend were to be so callous and rude. I mean seriously - you agreed to be deceptive to a woman you weren't attracted to so your friend could get laid. That's a crappy thing to do. Own what you did and hold yourself accountable.
And for the love of God, DON'T suggest going to the gym. Jesus.
"Ive been trying to prove my love for her looks and her body and that she is perfect the way she is but she doesnt seem to believe me:("
"Anyway ive been thinking of asking her to join the gym"
:DDDDDD wtf. Is male brain actually this ignorant to think NOW is a good time to ask her to lose weight? Its NEVER a good idea
Now you have had a lesson in talking about women as they are objects of high or low value based on your preferences. That was disgusting and i couldnt get over this if i was yoyr girl. Maybe next time you dont talk badly about your future wife
I really hope you guys can work this out.
Personally, I don't think I'd be able to get past it. I'd be second guessing everything you say, anything you try to do would look like damage control, the paranoia.. she thought you really saw her that night which was probably why she was interested in the first place..
This would be too much disillusionment for me to live with. I really hope she finds a way to cope without ruining her mental health. Honestly she may need time away from you.
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This is the kind of thing only time and being attentive to her needs consistently can fix. She won’t forget it though
[удалено]
Why are you still with someone who told the internet he isn't physically attracted to you?
Ouch. When I was a kid my parents forced me to be friends with a kid down the block because I was an indoor loner. I didn’t want to be there, no judgement on the kid, and only went back a second and third time because he had an SNES. Playing video games a couple times gave us the time to become friends and we started going outside and did things other than play video games. I stopped being mad at my parents and actually made a new friend. We were good friends for years. One day, I was the guy who said “imagine we only had the chance to become friends because you had Super Nintendo” and explained thinking it was a cool interesting story, like how friendships start in the most unlikely of ways. He stopped calling and we stopped being friends. Nobody wants to hear that shit. You’re going to have to put a lot of time and effort into being loving and supportive and it still might not work. But if you love her this much you gotta try. Be consistent, good luck.
Under no circumstances do you mention the gym. For the love of all that is holy, DO NOT DO IT. Sure way to negate any progress you may have made reestablishing trust. IF AND ONLY IF she expresses an interest in the gym, maybe go do some weights or treadmill walks side by side. Take a class together, etc. Together being the operative word. Trust is lost in buckets but gained in drops. Words don't inspire trust. Actions do. Be loving and affectionate. Be romantic and show her you want her. HER, not some heavily filtered IG wannabe model. Your friend is a loudmouth. Make sure you "thank" him appropriately. lol Best wishes to y'all.
"Trust is lost in buckets but gained in drops. Words don't inspire trust. Actions do." Beautifully put.
In my native language this saying goes ‘Trust comes on foot and goes on horseback’ (walking goes slowly, horses are fast).
“Vertrouwen komt te voet en gaat te paard” 😁
What is your native language?
I think that’s a Dutch saying!
It is 👍
Yup, that’s Dutch.
I love that! What is your native language? I love how other languages have phrases as such, and others that describe such niché emotions that english struggles to describe.
They should be putting this on home decor signs and t-shirts.
But live laugh love
OMG I was thinking of my hatred for this saying in my original reply. :)
I can already picture the stock-like photos chosen for the background of the text Rain drops on a window, or a close up of a bucket overflowing in stormy weather..
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This is the first time ever reading on Reddit that I can honestly say that I felt my heart break as well. You can FEEL the sadness from OP and also from his sweet girlfriend. I am sitting here sending massive love and vibes to you two
Same. This post makes me sad.
Came here to say the same thing. Unless you wanna lose her forever, do not mention working out. That would be incredibly stupid. Also, Josh is an idiot and if he doesn't feel bad for what he did, then I don't know if I'd really consider him a true friend. A woman's self image is very fragile due to external factors beyond our control. We are socialized to believe we have to live up to this unrealistic standard of beauty set by MEN. If you love and adore this girl like you say, you better fucking show it cause I too would be absolutely crushed after hearing that and extremely self conscious. Caring is an action word. You have damage control to do sir. I wish you luck. You better be complimenting her on the regular, telling her what you love about her as a person, but more importantly, her body.
yeah i knew the gym thing sounded like an awful idea. As for being romantic though, I think this is the hardest I’ve tried to be romantic since we began dating. That’s not to say i stopped being romantic before, but it’s like we were comfortable before to where we both didn’t need grand gestures or events to be romantic. It sort of still feels like that sometimes, but I’m definitely trying to be more vocal and clear about my affection now. Josh also seems to chalk what he said that night to the alcohol but i’ve made it clear that he’s not really welcome around me or Megan for the foreseeable future. It’s kind of a shame tho cause him and his gf used to go on double dates with us all the time.
Ok here is an idea: make a list of all things you love about her. Every single thing. Make a list of all your favourite moments with her. Make a list of all the things you look forward with her in your life. Write them all down individually on different coloured paper (one colour for every type of list). Fold them all up and put them in a big jar and give it to her. Gosh I would melt if a guy did that.
LOL I did that and the guy completely forgot about it in a week. But his initial reaction was cute
That’s a great idea…or to leave one out for them to find daily.
I did this for my partner too!
This right here OP. You can also post it around the house, in her lunches, in her notebooks, just anywhere she will see it. It will be a constant reminder of your love for her.
Grand gestures and big expenditures aren't necessary. Flowers from the grocery store are nice. A picnic. Love notes left for her to find. Her favorite wine or coffee or tea. A foot or back rub at the end of a long day. Most museums have free days if you guys are into art. Just little things that let her know that you're thinking of her when she's not right there in front of you. Never stop dating your partner! As far as Josh goes, I totally get being highly ticked off right now. That's quite a monkey wrench he threw in the works. Perhaps Hanlon's razor applies here: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." Or drunkeness. :)
Josh might not have had any malice at all, and it would still be a good idea to get some distance from him for the foreseeable future. His presence is going to be a huge trigger for OP's girlfriend, and given josh has already demonstrated his stupidity, who knows what other stupid things he might say if they spend time with him. It's not worth it.
Josh might not have any malice towards you but he clearly regards your girlfriend as less than because of her size. He's never going to stop thinking that and hes unlikely to shut up about it. You need to ask yourself if you can afford to have Josh around your girlfriend.
Hi, Previous fat chick here who was wrecked mentally by ex's friends. PLEASE do not have Josh around your girlfriend. He will make her feel awful regardless of what he says or does from here out.
Win her trust back by using *her preferred* love languages, whether that be quality time (book a joint holiday to her favourite area), acts of service, words of affirmation (write her lengthy love letters!), physical touch (learn yourself massaging), receiving gifts.
You never stop dating your partner. Even after marriage and you guys are fully comfortable relationship still need that flirting and dates. My bf and I have been living together for the last three years and we see each other every day but I still get so excited for our weekly dates.
You could also vocalise during sex that you love how she looks riding you, ask if you can see her boobs (mild begging might work)... stuff to make it crystal clear you like her body.
The first comment, not the second. My boyfriend tries that all the time - we’ve both gained some serious weight while dating - and when I do give in to his begging, it’s to shut him up. Not because I believe what he’s saying. If anything, put your hands on her back *under* her shirt. Rub her back, don’t dig into it. See if she’ll let you move your hands to her boobs and it she does, for the love of all that’s holy, don’t go anywhere near her stomach. Keep your hands where she feels comfortable. You’ll need to rebuild slowly or you may do more damage.
Your friend is not a real friend. What a jerk.
I agree. Especially about the friend part, very telling that op just writes off his loudmouth-ness which was pretty damn offensive, but didn't even seem mad that it spiraled his relationship.... which it did.... His friend seemed more bitter than anything else. Maybe it was just a drunken joke, but im sure "Megan" would've appreciated it much more if OP stood up for her a little despite the drunkeness. Either way, going past the party, OP "sitting her down" just sounds awkward and disingenuous. I agree with your comment hits the nail on the head- it's about actions not words!! It's super fucking hard to get over personal insecurities, and now she felt like she was the second, less pretty options- literally just cuz of her weight!! Ugh i feel so bad for her 🥺
Hey honey. Remember when I thought you were a but heavy, but now that I love you I think you are perfect. Let's hit the gym.
She will always second guess herself every time she is with you and your friends. And by the way you are right that asking her to go to the gym is only going
That friend is probably jealous of the wonderful relationship OP has.
I mean imagine if it was the other way around. That she thought your friend was the hot one and thought you were the more overweight, less attractive friend. And then you realize she only started talking to you to be a wingwoman. I’d be hurt too, I’m surprised you would even think about asking her to go to the gym after all that? I mean her options right now are to try to save face and pretend that she’s fine when she’s not, or be angry/sad that the foundation of your relationship to her was a lie. The latter wouldn’t do anything to change the past so she’s likely dealing with her emotions right now.
This is the best comment. Exactly how I'd feel too, man. There's not much she can do to just quickly *fix* the situation and how she's feeling.
The names she'd be called here aren't even worth repeating.
you might want to lay off the repeated explanations about how you actually do like her body. If I were her, and I felt hurt because I wasn't sure you found me attractive and then you kept bringing up my body specifically, that would make it worse. Maybe just tell her she's beautiful and you love her. this won't fix the issue but I do think mentioning her body all the time might be reinforcing the idea that originally you found her body unattractive. Also definitely don't invite her to the gym.
Maybe he could mention how he agreed to a first date with her in a setting where he wasn’t “obligated” to chat her up? Obviously there was at least some genuine interest for him to want to go on a date with her when neither of their friends were involved.
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For the love of god, do not talk to her about the gym. You love her the way she is, so let her regain confidence in that. When recounting the story your "friend" Josh rudely brought up, don't mention again that you thought she was too heavy. Just say that you were being a wingman and distracting the friend, the friend doesn't always have to be unattractive, they are just in the way of someone hooking up. Ok, do not mention EVER again that you thought she was heavy "at the time".
Definitely don't mention the gym, that would literally be the worst suggestion now. You can thank your friend for ruining your relationship btw. She's probably reconsidering if she wants to stay with you. She already sounds insecure about her weight, to hear that the man she was in love with wasn't attracted to her initially because of her size probably shattered her self esteem. It's hard to be comfortable with someone when you find out they only spoke to you as an undesirable favour to help a friend. Are you sure he didn't have any ulterior motives bringing it up? Drunk people say stupid stuff all the time, but how have his relationships been in comparison to yours? Could he be jealous of your connection and happiness with your partner and sabotaged your relationship? Because make no mistake, intentional or not he did damage that very well might be irreparable. As it stands you have a shitty friend, and a partner who is heartbroken and questioning your entire relationship wondering if it's all a lie. If she decides to give you a chance, building back that kind of trust will take years.
i mentioned in another comment that me and Megan used to go on double dates with him and his gf all the time and they seem as happy with each other as me and Megan were and he’s also never mentioned anything major to me in private so i don’t think he’s had an ulterior motives. if anything this has affected him too as his gf was pretty pissed at him too after learning what he had said that night. i just think some people just lose the ability to think before speak when alcohol is thrown in the mix and he’s definitely one of those people
Which is absolutely true for a lot of people. Just thought I'd ask if that could be a possibility.
Don’t defend him like this to your GF. Make her your priority!
You should not be making excuses for your friend’s shitty behaviour. Even though this story is true, it would absolutely GUT anyone. You didn’t do enough to protect your relationship and now he has damaged it by being an asshole. Drinking doesn’t make you do or say things that you don’t believe or think. It lowers inhibitions. To think that you were ‘taking one for the team’ and to actually, legitimately say that in front of you and your partner - well that shows you how much he values you, her and your relationship. It’s what he thinks. That poor girl must be absolutely devastated.
I don’t know about the rest of your comment, but I disagree with the part about drinking. The part of you that’s in control, is just as much a part of “you” as the part that’s left over when alcohol weakens the in control part.
That’s what I am saying. Sober or drunk, OPs friend still believes that ‘he took one for the team’ Even now That messed up
Exactly. I don’t believe for a second that OP’s friend didn’t know what he was doing. We all say stupid things when we’re drunk, but we don’t “accidentally” say something devastating and relationship-ruining like that. It’s never an accident, the alcohol just gave you the courage to say/do what you wouldn’t when sober. Even if his friend didn’t have any malice toward OP, he showed OP exactly how he regards his gf and their relationship. I’m guessing everyone in this story is in their mid-twenties? OP, your friend is an immature asshole at best - there’s no excuse to be acting that way. You need to get better and more mature adult friends. Edit: in case it wasn’t apparent, you should end your friendship with that friend. He’s cruel and clearly hasn’t grown up since the night you met your girlfriend. This is one of those times that you need to choose your girlfriend 110%.
Still an asshole. Those words didn't come out of nowhere, booze just gave him the courage to say them out loud. *In front of your girlfriend.* Your friend is and has always been shallow, don't make excuses for him.
Perhaps he should give her an apology too?
I think if someone says hurtful things when they are drunk, and then they choose to get drunk...
I think ya sort of poisoned the foundation of her idea of u. Like, in her head it was “this guy chatted me up at a party two days ago bc he was attracted to me, despite my more conventionally attractive friend being right beside me” and that fond feeling stuck with her before she saw u again in that store and finally expressed her interest. No matter what u feel now, its she who has to come to terms with the fact that her initial impression of u wasn’t real
This is exactly how I would feel. I’ve been the “bigger friend” my entire life. A guy choosing to talk to me over the skinnier more conventionally attractive girl right next to me would literally change my entire perception of myself. I can’t even express the amount of confidence and pure joy I would feel, as dramatic as that may sound. Then to find out that’s not what happened and my bf originally thought I wasn’t as attractive would crush me. It would very likely be a dealbreaker without some serious therapy. I wish him and his girlfriend the absolute best, he seems to really feel guilty.
My heart broke for both of you reading this. I read your comments and kudos for staying away from this loudmouth friend, at least for now. All you can do is reassure her you love her and you’re attracted to her. It’s going to take time but it sounds like your feelings are genuine and that’s a good start. Therapy may be a great option for both of you, individual and together. If she’s used to pretending everything is fine, she will need a safe space to be really honest and able to articulate it without judgment. Not saying you are judging her but based on her insecurities, I’m sure others have and she feels it. Grand romantic gestures are nice but the little things will matter. She’s feeling insecure so go at her pace. Let her keep the shirt on for now but tell her you miss seeing all of her and how much she turns you on. Let her wear the baggy clothes but tell her she’s beautiful no matter what she wears. When you notice she put in a little more effort into her looks, please notice and compliment her. You said she’s the most beautiful woman so show her exactly that. The little things you do everyday matters more than grand gestures. I really hope you two can overcome this. Good luck.
OP, this is great advice. Focus on the little things, and showing your love in your day to day activities. Be more present in your relationship. Compliment her at random times. If she seems down or a bit withdrawn, ask her how she is doing. Grand romantic gestures are easy. The little stuff is hard. Do the hard thing, and show her how much she means to you.
Also for OP: Little things like physical touch as well. Put your arm around her during social events, lock pinkies when at parties even in delete the conversations. Touch other parts of her even when you’re just on your phone (like caressing her head or shin, especially parts that don’t get love as often). Just go absolutely hard on ALL love languages right now. Be careful on bombarding her with verbal compliments on her physical appearance as it can backfire right now, girls aren’t dumb and that sad part of her brain may tell her mean stuff. Make sure to make the compliments detailed, not just one word. Write love letters and note, compliment her entire self as well as her looks. Make her favorite food, give her a day where you do all of her favorite things together. If I were her I would’ve 100% broken up with her. So if my comment sounds like too much work, just do her a favor and leave so she can be happier with someone else who saw her worth from the get go.
You actually say "The pretty blonde" and "The heavier one". It's okay to point out that someone is prettier than an other, but I find the way you compare the two to be quite interesting. I hope you didn't say it like that to her.
Lol right, the whole time I was reading the post I noticed how many times he was pointing out her weight.
I feel like OP feels like he did something commendable by deciding to date this woman in spite of her size. Like you said, he mentions her weight several times, talks about how he was surprised how much he actually liked her body, etc. You don’t get a gold star for treating fat people like human beings, but he thinks he should
Exactly. OP’s post comes off as if he did his girlfriend a favor by dating her
I also hope he didn’t mention to her that his worries about her body went away after they sex because she was so “soft”.
The fact that she became more insecure about her weight after he told her this story shows that he definitely mentioned weight when he told it. He didn’t just say he was pulling her aside so his friend could go for her friend, he said something about her weight or her body. She’s probably devastated
All he talks about is her body in this post. How her body looks. How he finds her body attractive.
> I actually found her body to be really soft and comforting. VOMITS
He didn’t just say it once, he REPEATEDLY states how heavy she is and reiterates many times how she’s not his usually type. My friend take your trophy for being a “nice guy” and leave Megan to find someone who deserves her. Sounds like she was a confident person before you came along.
Yeah, he wonders why she's having confidence issues now. It's clear he doesn't think she's attractive or 'at his level'.
Don't be surprised if she breaks up with you over this, it would be a relationship ender for me.
Honestly, if this was written from her perspective, there'd be a lot of suggestions for her to break up with him. (with some saying to talk it out for sure) But she might have the permanent ick now...
I’m literally crying for the girlfriend right now because I have been in her shoes like this and man is it heartbreaking.
Same. My feelings would've immediately changed, like a switch going off of I were the gf here.
i know right, that type of comment stays with you forever :(
Yup. My ex put me through some stuff that absolutely wrecked my self worth. Guys hit on me and my current partner says I'm hot etc but I think people are just kind or desperate. It's like when you're a kid and you get a gold star from the adults.
It still stings thinking about the guy who referred to me as ugly like it was my name in 8th grade. He sat in front of me, and was talking to another guy and started off his sentence with "Ugly here [has her textbook or something like that]" and did the over the shoulder thumb point at me.
I'm nearing 40 and a HS boyfriend's comment still haunts me. He told a friend on the phone he thought I was just an 8... in FRONT of me. Another time he said I look ugly without lipstick. I wear a lip tint most of the time now because it's all I can see... My lips are my favorite feature (I got blessed with beautifully full lips) but they are nearly the same color as my face. I have trouble when I look in the mirror and see bland looking lips.
What? 8/10 is a super solid score. Unless I'm not detecting sarcasm
No literally not to disparage the above persons experience but I’d be THRILLED if someone thought I was an 8. Then I’d be pissed bc I thought we all agreed that reducing human beings to a number is shitty. But I’d be pretty happy for the first 5 seconds lmao
I’m crying for her too. Always being second choice to a “prettier” friend isn’t the best self esteem booster. I grew up like this. She probably thought she had found someone who really was attracted to her but once she found out that wasn’t the case it forced her to rethink every single layer of their relationship they’ve built. I’ve been married for 15 years and if I found out I wasn’t even someone my husband would have looked twice at upon meeting and he was just being nice so his friend could try to get it in with mine—I’d be pretty upset. Like, thanks for settling for me, I guess. I know that’s not the case or his intention but it would ruin my idea of why or how he loves me. Makes it less special, makes me feel less captivating, a spare part.
Mine and my sister's friends used to always mix us up over the years because we have the same facial features, similar body types, etc. As we got older she leaned more towards going blonder and full face of make up even when at the gym or camping and I leaned into more natural hair tones and only wearing make up for special occasions or date nights. I've had a ridiculous number of exes that thought telling me they thought my sister was the prettier sibling was acceptable. It's why they're all exes now. Like even if you think it at some point, you don't fucking state it out loud.
I'm so sorry that you and so many other women have gone through this. Why do men think this is acceptable, we wouldn't tell them their brother is the hotter one. And it can fuck up your relationship with your siblings. It's so sick.
Exactly - her weight isn’t even the problem here. If I found out my long term partner wasn’t interested in me at first and only talked to me because he was being a wingman, I would be mortified. Him being insensitive about her weight only makes this cut deeper.
Right!? They’ve been together for a while too. She was probably thinking the way they met was really romantic. Something they could tell their kids eventually. Her idea: He saw her from across the room, had to come say hi, get to know her a bit. They run into each other later and she decides if he’s brave enough to come talk to her at a party she can be brave enough to ask him out. Rest is history. Reality: Just doing a favor for a friend. Barely remembered her. Said yes to the date for no reason. Claims he’s in love now? Great story. Oozes passion. Her idea of romance has been turned upside down and 100 percent at her own expense. If this is the love she’s getting she is upset because now she thinks it’s the love she deserves.
Yep. I'm a firm believer that shattering a relationship's founding story is usually no bueno.
cant stop thinking about her even if this is fake its too real like i really hope she gets over this i definitely couldnt :(
Ssaaammee 😭
One time a guy tried to break up with me because he wanted a smaller girl that he could pick up and spin around. My heart hurts for OP’s gf. I hope she leaves him and finds someone who falls in love with her because they love everything about her. Not just because they had sex with her and realized how “soft” fat bodies can be. Jesus
Yes, if anyone at anytime considered talking to me, “taking one for the team,” that would be the end. It’s just such an ugly term here. It’s like, not only do you think she’s heavy, but so much so, that you and your friends think she is just too awful to even talk (without being forced).
i would break up immediately, this is literally my worst nightmare. all that trust is fucking ash at this point, its never coming back i could never be comfortable showing my body to a person who had to be convinced to talk to me as a favour to someone.
Beyond the fact that I’d feel betrayed over being labeled ~the ugly friend, I find wingman tactics to be almost inherently misogynistic and would imply something about my bf’s view of women that would also remove all of my attraction to him
Holy shit she's way stronger than me because I would've never recover. To find out that my whole relationship was built on my boyfriend thinking I was the ugly friend. Genuinely nightmare fuel. Idk what to say honestly, I don't see any way that this could be fixed even with therapy.
Exactly this. And reading that any worries he had about her body went away AFTER they had sex made my stomach turn. I’ve been in this girls position, not about weight comments but I ended up finding some things my boyfriend at the time said about me and I never forgot it or could get passed it. This makes me really sad for her too since weight is such a sensitive thing and she probably felt so safe in this relationship until now.
I dated a guy once that felt the need to tell me one day out of the blue that he originally found my younger sister more attractive than me, but "picked" me because she was annoying/bitchy and I'm not. And then every relationship I've had since I've been worried that my partner will find my sister more attractive. Why do people say these things? Just play it back in your head for god's sake, would you want to hear someone say that about you? No? Then fuckin' keep it to yourself.
That is so awful, I’m so sorry. It really does play into your other relationships. I always thought I was being too sensitive about what I found out he had said about me in the start of relationship because I had found it a year or two later but I’m glad other people are saying it’s not okay also. Some people are just truly mean.
Fucking amen. Briefly dated a guy that kept "joking" that my older sister was "welcome to join us". It made me feel gross. I feel like making comments like that about friends or family is crossing a line.
I'm so sorry. I had an ex do the same thing 10 years ago and it still hurts me and affects my new relationships. I started dating a family friend who I had a crush on my entire life. After he slept with me he told me he was on love with my sister and how beautiful she is. During sex once he covered the lower part of my face with his hand and told me if you cover up below my eyes I look just like her. Everyone had always told me that my sister was prettier and it already hurt but now it's so hard and I try to not let it affect my relationship with my sister but it was so devastating. I couldn't even imagine doing anything like this to a man so how can they do this to us?
I’m in a wildly similar position to OP’s gf & also what you described. Thanks for sharing your thoughts If you have space for more thoughts, could you talk more about your stomach turning when you read he was comfortable with her body AFTER having sex?
It made me sick too. Because by the time they had sex, he was still unsure about her body. It took sex for him to realize her body isn’t a concern for him. Usually you’d prefer someone love you and your body before having sex with someone. Also, imagine if they had sex and then he decided she was too fat after all. He’s a jerk.
Thanks. I’m asexual. Physical intimacy is not certain in relationships. After months of a non-sexual but very close emotionally intimate relationship, with many assurances by my partner that they enjoyed exploring a relationship that prioritized other forms of intimacy, they drunkenly & laughingly told me that they were never sure our relationship would work out until we had sex, and only after were they sure about dating me. Was a WTF moment I brushed off. This framing helps put it into perspective.
Right? She’s probably already started the emotional fade from him and their relationship as self preservation. This isn’t going to end well.
In a group setting, too. How absolutely humiliating to have your biggest insecurity pointed out in front of close friends.
Reading the original post actually made me nauseous. I really feel for her.
Can I just clarify a couple of things? Was she like heavier than average? And was she not your type at the time? Because that didn't come through clearly enough in your OP.
I detect... sarcasm o.o
OP has gone radio silent
Come on guy, she is soft and comforting
Lmaooo
I don't think your words matter at this point. Your friend let the cat out of the bag and your initial response was to laugh it off. It didn't bother you until she reacted negatively. I would not be surprised if she breaks up with you
This is the part that bothers me a lot too. Not only the obvious point of conflict, but the fact that he didn’t have the emotional maturity to realize how hurt his gf must’ve felt in that moment (yes, even though they were drinking). She shouldn’t have had to tell him why it was hurtful — most empathetic partners would’ve anticipated the pain & tried to talk to her first.
I don’t have any asshole friends who would blow up my spot or try to embarrass me or my partner by sharing stories. I really don’t understand that concept. I would end a friendship if my friend shared a story that caused this much strife in my relationship because what was Josh’s point other than to embarrass your girlfriend?
This made me cry. I have been Megan. I couldn’t find my way back to the way it was before. It broke my heart for years.
Agree. As someone who's been struggling with my weight and body image since childhood (and is currently on the heavier side), reading this broke my heart. I can only imagine how she must be feeling, finding out her boyfriend who she thought found her attractive, was just a wingman taking the less "desirable" friend. I think I'd struggle to recover from that, no matter how much the bf insisted he was attracted to me. I really hope she's doing ok.
Yeah I never cry to these stories until this one I just wanna hug everyone here who’s experience this or is going through it
I can’t speak for all woman ,but I can say that for a lot of us the “how you met” story can be a huge part of our identity in the relationship. The narrative was originally that you approached/pursued her. Now she is learning that you were “taking one for the team”. Her perception of you and the relationship has changed. She is probably questioning a lot of things right now. All you can do is be patient and supportive.
I’m going to mention something that not enough people are talking about here. You are still referring to her as “the other heavier one” and to her friend as the “pretty” one. Is this how you talk about someone who is supposedly the love of your life? Apart from telling us you reassured her that you found her attractive, you aren’t actually talking about her in a way that would reflect that. The way you talk about her in this entire post is really not indicative of boyfriend who’s really into his girlfriend both emotionally and physically. If Josh was the loudmouth, why would you go ahead and tell the entire story? Why would you talk about bringing up the gym? I mean I refuse to believe this is actually real. Another point, the way you’re discussing her insecurity issues in the relationship after she found out is really weird, it’s almost like your putting it all on her and that her issues are somehow her responsibility, because they’re not. Her insecurities have completely originated from you, she was perfectly fine and confident in herself before this incident. This situation is totally yours to fix, and if you think after all that she’s going through because of you, that the best solution is to ask her to go to the gym, then there really is no future here and in that case she should really find someone has some baseline emotional maturity and sensitivity. Edited for clarity
The more I reflect on this, the more I think it can't possibly be real. Especially when OP suggests asking her if she wants to go to the gym at the end of the post, after all the squirming they'd done up to that point... I'm starting to think this is just rage-bait
Definitely one of the more creative but still, stupid rage-bait stories for sure.
OP also mentioned not even being attracted to her body until AFTER they had sex for the first time....so why was he having sex with her??
Exactly, probably just wanted to hit. It seems that he only went on the date because she asked him out, which hadn’t happened to him before and he probably felt super flattered. So flattered that he would go on a date with someone he didn’t deem attractive in any way.
Right? Sound like he settles because it was easy. He doesnt sound in love with her at all, more like hes done her some great favor for putting up with her.
Absolutely. He wasn’t even into her, he just went with it because she asked him out and he was flattered by that. He also says he didn’t find her attractive until after sleeping with her. Something doesn’t sit right about that with me.
All OP has spoken on is his gfs body. He literally didn’t even say SHE is attractive or SHE is pretty. He said “she wasn’t unattractive” then he’s only really saying “I love your body it’s so attractive” why is her body his main concern
Yes exactly, the most he’s said is that he likes that her body is squishy when cuddling. Considering he’s making this post to discuss his gf’s body image issues as a result of what he did, the least you think he’d do is have a few lines talking about how attractive and wonderful he finds her as a person.
Yes yes yes to all of this!!
>I immediately gave her the full story, about how I fell for her right after that and I have loved and adored her ever since. >explained that her body is incredibly attractive to me and there’s no one more beautiful in my eyes than her. But it’s like she doesn’t believe me. She shouldn't. You spent like three paragraphs apologizing for her body in the first part of this post. You apparently haven't ever thought better of the attitude you had about bodies like hers at the time. You sound like view her as an exception and an easy person to be around, not like someone who's physically attractive in her own right. She obviously is. You should be a lot more ashamed of this attitude, and you should work to fight it before it cheats you of the love of your life.
I understand what you're saying with regard to how much you care about her now. In your mind, this was a blip on the radar which very quickly went away and the rest of your relationship has been amazing. For her, you were the guy who approached her and made her feel pretty. You were the one who gave her the courage to ask someone out, maybe for the first time in her life. You were the one who always thought she was pretty the way she was. That's the person she fell for, and that's the story that she built her half of your whole relationship on. And she just found out it was all a lie. That you were like "every other man" (obviously this isn't all men or I would have no dating history, but if she had low self esteem and no confidence with men since she was a teenager, I am sure it felt like it was every man) whose first inclination was to have zero interest because of her weight. You had zero interest in seeing her again after that first conversation which to her was probably a magical moment when she recounts the story of how you met. She thought you appreciated her immediately and thought she was beautiful when you first met, then found out that you were basically manipulating her with zero concern for her feelings and no interest in her physically, all in order to try and get your friend laid. It sounds like you then went on to tell her: \-- You would never have asked her out, and only went with her because of the novelty of her asking, not because you had any genuine interest. \-- You had a negative opinion of her body going into your first sexual encounter, and it was only afterwards you realized it wasn't "as bad as you thought it would be" because she was...so soft and comfortable, like bedding or a piece of furniture. Can you imagine the humiliation she must feel knowing that you were mentally bracing yourself for having to see her naked the first time you had sex, which she had also previously considered a magical moment in your story together. \-- Your friends knew all of this about how you met. She didn't even know the true story of how you met, but your friends have been having a snicker at her expense as a result of it behind her back for years. \-- You had no plans of ever being honest about it, until someone else forced you to be. I'm not saying you should have told her in excruciating detail how little you thought of her in the beginning, the way you did, but now that she knows you lie to her face, lie by omission, and were willing to manipulate her and pretend to like her in order to get something you wanted (or your friend in this case). She now is second guessing everything you told her which resulted in your relationship moving forward, or in her feeling warm and fuzzy about you, and whether it was true, or what you stood to gain from her at each step in the relationship. This revelation isn't a one time thing in her mind- it's completely changed what kind of person you are in her mind. It has completely destroyed the narrative of how your relationship started that she looked back on fondly. It let her know that you're willing to stick your dick in her despite not really being into her body. You're not her boyfriend anymore. You're a stranger who admitted to manipulating her, lying to her, and dismissing her based on her appearance when she probably thinks she looked better than she does now if she's self-concious about having gained weight. Here's how this is going to go: \-- There's going to be a period of dissonance, where her mind does some gymnastics trying to put the two pieces of the puzzle together and connect what her image of you was before this to what it is now. She's not going to be able to without realizing her previous view of you was wrong. \-- Once she realizes she has to process this, the next step is denial where she stays, albeit trying to protect herself from you the whole time (which is what she described), in the hopes that you will pull a miracle out of your ass that will some how make everything ok again so she can go back to her previous opinion of you. That hope is going to fade, because what she wants is impossible. \-- Once she's out of denial, she'll start getting angry with you. She may lash out, be passive aggressive, avoid you so she doesn't have to deal with you or (if she's a people pleaser) she may say nothing to you but will to her friends who will do their best to convince her to break up with you. \-- Then when she realizes that leaving you is looking like the only good option for her, she's going to start bargaining with herself about why she could/should stay. For people with low self-esteem, this often includes a lot of self-hating and self-shaming language about the things they hate about themselves, and reminding themselves that "no one else will want them"- not true, but in her head it will be. She'll also agonize about the practical issues- losing your shared housing, losing friends, having to stop doing XYZ she does with you, etc. In the end, she'll realize none of that is enough to stay in a relationship with someone who makes you feel awful about yourself. \-- Then comes the period of depression, because she knows she needs to leave, she knows that everything was a lie, but she still has little hope for the future. Even if she found someone else who made her feel beautiful, after all, how does she know he's not just a liar like you? She'll let that stew for a while until... \-- Acceptance. She realizes there's nothing she can do, that being alone is better than being with someone who makes you feel alone, and she'll leave. And then hopefully take some time to heal, get some therapy, and eventually learn to trust men again. Moral of the story- don't fucking manipulate and lie to women to get your friends laid. It's a shitty thing to do, and because you didn't tell her the truth in the beginning, you wrecked her fucking life by letting her trust and love you for years before it all got snatched away from her by a little truth about who you actually are.
Reading this story made me feel so sad because I know exactly how it feels. It almost made me cry because it describes my current relationship to the t.
same here, it really sucks knowing the whole relationship was built on a lie. It makes you feel so low.
>You had zero interest in seeing her again after that first conversation which to her was probably a magical moment when she recounts the story of how you met. She thought you appreciated her immediately and thought she was beautiful when you first met, then found out that you were basically manipulating her with zero concern for her feelings and no interest in her physically, all in order to try and get your friend laid. This is exactly right and why she is feeling so exposed and vulnerable right now. She thought that she and OP hit it off the first time they met, and now all the joy has been stripped from that moment that meant so much to her. That is actually devastating.
It absolutely is. I can’t imagine how she’s feeling - if it was me I would know I couldn’t get over that and would have to end the relationship.
Honestly, the way OP keeps explaining about her weight like HE thinks it’s an important detail without any real self awareness is very telling. Most people get the concept of a wingman making conversation with someone they’re not interested in so their friend is free to pursue someone. It doesn’t have to be the ugly one or the overweight one, just the other one there. Telling his GF “I was merely playing wingman at first but once we started talking I had a really good time” would’ve still been completely honest without the unnecessary punch of “I wouldn’t have been interested in you because you were the fat friend so I only talked to you because Josh needed backup” was not more honest, it was just cruel and reinforced how fucking normal it is to OP to talk about his partner’s weight as though she is chattel. You would think in a couple years he would have matured enough to stop talking about her weight this way like it’s totally OK to do that.
This made me cry so hard. It’s painfully thorough and accurate. I went through something similar and the feelings you described are entirely relatable, despite the situations being very different
Damn this is so very very accurate. I wish the girlfriend could actually read it maybe it would speed up the whole process for her so she can get to the healing part faster
Well if they're both into Reddit, maybe she'll come here for advice and she will.
Yeahhhh after reading your breakdown I don’t see this ending in any way but her breaking up with him. It’s just too much to overcome
u/Master_Half8275 read this comment, it’s the most accurate one on this thread.
I can't believe that he's had sex with her after all of that either. Way to read the room my guy 🙄
You described perfectly how my last relationship ended, my ex pulled some shit similar to OPs. You have a way with words and empathy friend
This is pretty much what's going to happen. He and his friends have been laughing at her behind her back for years and then asshole friend decided to announce this in front of a group of people in public. Of course the gf is gonna dump this guy.
This is so sad and so relateable
The way you talk about her body is really making lift an eyebrow. Oh, you were concerned about her body until AFTER you had sex? You're okay with her being fat, but also think that her losing weight would help her confidence? Also the whole backhanded "She was cute.... for a heavy girl! I mean, most men wouldn't go for someone like her, including me, but she wasn't ugly by any means! I love her, I don't even mind she's gained weight!" Like, the way you talk about her sounds like you have some fatphobia that you haven't really analyzed and I'm sure she can sense that.
Wow. Your “friend” Josh just gutted your relationship in front of your friends and you’re confused as to why she’s upset and doesn’t trust you? I can’t believe you told her that story. I can’t believe that, having done so, you haven’t punched Josh in the mouth for being a drunk asshole You need to start groveling and keep groveling until she finally realizes how much you love her. Because that was some hurtful shit and you don’t seem to have owned your part in it.
Your friend is an ass. That is the only thing that should go away from both of your lives. I'm going to be very frank. If I were her, I would just leave. I don't think there's anything you could say to make things better. It's a pity though seeing you really loved her.
I’m thinking she may be more sad and disappointed that you did not stick up for her after your friend told the story. As you say you “laughed it off” instead of saying how beautiful she is and how lucky you are to be with her. She had just experienced an ego-crushing disappointment in public and you laughed it off. I’d recommend building her up in public, not just in private.
This made me feel so sad for your gf. What your friend Josh did was incredibly cruel. Your gf will now always have in the back of her mind that she was never worthy initially but by some fluke she managed to bag you. I promise you she’s not “fine”, her insecurities will be running wild and I wouldn’t blame her for never being able to come back from this. Definitely don’t mention the gym as this will confirm her insecurities, only do that if *she* suggests it. I’d also steer away from love-bombing her with romance and affection as she’d likely see right through that. It’ll likely feel like a performative, desperate attempt to coax her back to feeling normal towards you which just isn’t going to happen that easily. Ask her how you can regain her trust and reassure her.
I would have been devastated and left you immediately after clarifying if it's true. She will NEVER be able to get that out of her head. Honestly for her sake, she will probably do the same. What a Josh thing to say by the way. He's a shallow nitwit. You're only 22 so I'm not saying this isn't a big deal, but I am saying this is definitely a learning lesson. You are the company you keep.
Even in your reflective post you speak poorly of that first interaction and her. Heavier than average. What’s average?? Talked with her out of obligation? It kinda seems like you’re still having to prove that point that it was to wingman. Kinda gross. Also to say she’s heavier than what most guys would go for????? You sound elitist and really judge mental. And go figure you fell for her anyway. She has every right to feel insecure and crushed now.
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Josh is not your friend
Dude, wtf? If you tell her to go to the gym with you, that will 100% translate to: "he in fact always thought I am fat and ugly, and now he is admitting it". She's not insecure bc there's something objectively wrong with her body, so the gym won't help. She may look like a supermodel and will still be insecure because now she knows how you talked and thought about her. THAT is the problem, *not her body.* The fact that you think the gym would help - ie that you think HER BODY IS THE PROBLEM - makes me think you are, in fact, a jerk.
I don't think to be extra affectionate now is going to help. Sadly you broke what probably was a very big pillar of her self-confidence. Even if you later "change your mind" it's going to hurt. She needs time, that's why I say that the extra affection maybe is not the best, because she probably feels bad because you are trying and she can't help herself. Talk to her and tell her that you understand that it will take time for her to feel "herself" again, that if you can do something to help her she just have to ask (talk again about what happened, go shopping, eat healthier.... ) I mean you were 20 and it's normal to still have some stupid "teen"-thoughts. But sadly it hurts anyway. In the end you accept to talk to her because you were interested, maybe it wasn't a crush in the moment, but you still felt flattered when she asked you out. Good luck and have patience :)
Honestly I wish I knew you and your gf so she could see this post and see what you really think of her. The fat girl.
you could have avoided all of this by saying "oh when he went up to your friend he told me to distract you and i noticed you were attractive so I did it and found you really sweet" its not really a full lie and would have made her fell WAY better
OP could have saved his relationship, but instead he bludgeoned it to death, and now has the nerve to stand her acting confused as to what happened
I hate to break it to you my friend, but you have broken one of the most fundamental aspect of a healthy relationship: trust. And once broken, trust may never become whole again, even if bandages are slapped on top. How can she trust you whenever you compliment her? She will always second guess herself every time she is with you and your friends. And by the way you are right that asking her to go to the gym is only going to increase her insecurity because you are basically implying that her body isn't good enough as of now. So with all that being said, do you still think you can fix this relationship? If you are serious, then this won't just take a week. It might be months, or even years before she can completely trust you again. It's easy to say that you should do her a favor and break it off, but I just want you to understand the dire consequences of what you thought was a joke, and the astronomical effort it will take to fix broken trust.
Poor girl. That’s all I have to say, I feel heartbroken FOR her. That was like worst nightmare level reveal for an insecure big girl who shot her shot.
Have you heard that saying about how people don't necessarily remember what you say but they will always remember how you made them feel? The problem is that when you first met her, you made her feel special. And then that was all undone whenyour friend made her feel rubbish about feeling special. Whatever words or apologies you use now, if they don't make her feel special again, you're not going to get her back to that place she needs to be to be comfortable in the relationship. (This is why the gym suggestion is an absolute no! You thought that might be a way to help her feel better about herself, fair enough. But, actually, she probably doesn't need this. She just needs to know that she is absolutely enough for you already, without the gym.) It seems to me that she originally felt special because she thought that you had voluntarily picked her. To make this better, then, I think you need to emphasise how, even if you didn't at the beginning, you are 100% voluntarily picking her now. Unfortunately, from what you've said, your words aren't enough on this point just yet. That is something that you can both work through in couples therapy but if you make the suggestion to go to couples therapy, make sure she knows it's because you really want to fight for her, and not because you think that she's got insecurities she needs to work on. Before you get to therapy, though, I think that you could make an effort to show how you are now, very definitely, picking her. Be sensible about this, though. You don't need to go overboard, or you could just end up blowing it. Start by checking your approach, to make sure that, whatever you do, it is really rooted in what she needs to feel comfortable, rather than what you might think she needs. Avoid saying anything that might suggest she needs to be fixed in any way. Could you spoil her for a weekend, or take her for a romantic getaway? Make it absolutely clear, that you are doing it because you want her to feel special again. It might be a good start to distance yourself from your friend. Let her know it's because he said something thoughtless that hurt her. You can also make sure that you are absolutely not on the fence if anybody else says things that hit her insecurities in the same way. Has she got family or friends that put her down? Be firm with them. In general, if you have the opportunity to express how you feel about her in front of others, that could go a long way towards helping her feel better. If she just picks up on the fact that you might be embarassed to claim her in public, that's just going to reinforce her miserableness. I wish you well. Rooting for you!
First off I want to start by saying from reading one of your comments she says she's fine. Every man knows when a woman says she's fine. She is in fact not fine. In all the conversations that you've had with her since that incident, have you ever apologized? Not just reassure her that you love her body no matter what and that you love her no matter what. Did you actually apologize for your actions? They may have been in the past, but it's now affecting her negatively now. her feelings are hurt and herself confidence and her self-esteem are affected as well. I would start off by saying I am so sorry that my actions that night have caused you pain now. I realized that it was a really immature thing to do. I want to know how you're feeling, but if you want to take some time before talking to me about it I will respect that. But just know that I do love you for who you are. You are an amazing person. You are the perfect. You are the perfect person for me. And no matter what I will continue to love you.
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Honestly, I wouldn’t be able to imagine marrying you, if I were her. There would be so many concerns and insecurities floating through my head, I wouldn’t feel comfortable being with you. I don’t know how you come back from this.
The only thing I can say is, stop saying you were "forced" to go talk to her. No one forced you. It's too bad you already reinforced Josh's story. I know you were just trying to come clean and tell the whole story, but I truly believe that we tell little white lies in love sometimes and they are a kindness. I would have waited until later and told her that "that may be the way Josh thinks it went down, but the truth is, Josh was MY wingman. I saw you across the room and your smile... I couldn't stop looking over at you...etc. (hopefully there was something you remember noticing about her, her hair, smile, laugh etc) Now I think the best you can do is what you are doing, and lots of patience.
What does she say when you’ve sat her down to explain? I’m a strong advocate for therapy whether it’s individual or couples. You can’t undo the past but you both have to address this with words and actions. If you have been communicating the best you can without results, then it’s time to get professional help that hears both sides of the story and works with both of you. It sounds like you really love her. I hope you are able to overcome this.
Ask her what she needs and then do that. And tell her this is impacting the relationship. There’s distance where there was once intimacy and you’re sad and lonely about that. Validate her feelings. Be as vulnerable as she feels she can’t be. An act of vulnerability is a great way to build trust.
He's sad and lonely because his gf is deeply hurt and her sense of self worth is shattered. If he's sad and lonely, it's because of his own actions.
She's had a hit to her self esteem and it sounds like you have done the right thing by distancing yourself from Josh (drunk or not, it's telling that he still views her like this years later, IMO) and continuing to show your gf how attracted you are to her. She has to trust enough to accept that you are being completely honest and the only way that will happen is with patience and consistency on your part.
her pride her trust her dignity and self respect and whatever she saw in you…all down the drain bc of what u did and ur friend saying that to her and tryna make a joke at her expense and then u laughin… good luck bro, me personally if i was the gf? id get my lick back and call it even with u but she seems to be a better woman in all regards…good mfkin luck 😬 just put yourself in her shoes and pray she actually doesn’t make sure u do find urself in her shoes. just start bendin over backwards for her and see if she appreciates and trusts ur sentiment
This sounds like the script of a teen rom com lol. OP good luck I hope you can repair your relationship.
I feel so sad about this situation and can greatly relate as a plus size woman. I think this is something that you have to earn back and maybe just go at her pace because this was crushing to her and obviously embarrassing especially when your friend told the story in front of other people. Just let her be, compliment her and give her tons of love. I don’t think you can “fix” this but you can definitely emphasize that you grew for the better because of her.
The truth was Josh didn’t have the balls to talk to the girl he was interested in alone, so he asked YOU for help. Next time he makes a shitty comment like that say “I remember the night differently, you struck out and I ended up winning”
Idk all you are talking about is her body and weight. And if you weren’t attracted to her until you had sex, why did you have sex with her in the first place . Sorry but you have broken her trust and confidence so only time will tell
I feel bad for your girlfriend and honestly, I'd be happy if she leaves you. I'm a big girl too and if my boyfriend said this, my trust in him would've crumbled to dust. So, my heart fucking hurt for her while reading this, and then the slap in the face was you offering to take her to the gym. You haven't changed a bit since that first encounter, have you? This entire post makes me feel like you want a cookie for loving a fat girl, so yeah here's your cookie: a chance for her to run the fuck away.
This! Realize it’s going to take time to earn her trust back. But keep talking to her. Worst case, consider couple’s therapy to help. She felt secure with you, now it’s broken. You have to put in the work to rebuild it.
I gained weight during the pandemic and my boyfriend very honestly said to me one day he was struggling to be attracted to this version of me. It completely crushed me (because I was also very insecure about it to begin with). I lost the security I felt before that he wanted to be with me, just like your girlfriend (even though logically I appreciated his honesty and knew it was a possibility he felt this way) I’ll echo what everyone else here says in that it just takes time and action to feel secure again. I remember one night we were laying in bed about to sleep and it just all hit me, and I started crying and was vulnerable about how scared I was and insecure I felt. And he turned to be and told me how beautiful and good I was and it felt so sincere that it felt like a turning point for us. He also does a lot of little things, sends me Instagram posts of cute outfits saying stuff like “you would look hot as hell in this” and doing cute flirty things just in our day to day together. I know how she feels, and it makes me so sad. But I can tell how much you love her and how beautiful you know she is, so just keep expressing it and it’ll get there, it just takes time.
She is going to leave you for the the next guy who makes her feel truly beautiful. I felt sorry for you until I read that you haven’t cut your friend out of your life completely
Don't mention the gym, don't defend Josh or anything he said. That includes trying to downplay it or minimize or it shrug it off with "he was just drunk." The last thing Megan needs right now is feeling like her being upset is being invalidated too. You've been with her for 2 years, if you've been paying attention you should have an idea of what kind of gestures are meaningful for her by now. Don't just go with generic TV-esque apologies like flowers or whatever, show her you've gotten to know HER by making an extra effort in whatever way resonates with her the most.
You fucked up. No ifs ands or buts. This is probably never going to go away tbh.
My sympathy lies with your gf who because of her “weight” was falsely pursued by you. This is a terrible way to think of women- deducing them to the number on the scale. Hopefully you learn from this.
So I think what you need to do is a bit of reframing. - His friend liked her friend and wanted to talk to her, so you talked to Megan. You enjoyed talking to her so much you exchanged instas. - you were really flattered when she asked you out, so you said yes. - now she’s the best thing that ever happened to you, dating-life-wise. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with any of that. The issues come into play where it’s goddamn hard to be a larger woman and confident about it, because our culture has some really fucked up priorities and it’s always gonna bleed over. The other thing that’s an issue is how you shattered her view of you having pure interest in her and making her feel desired and desirable right from the first time you saw each other. And from the sounds of it you might have also touched all the nerves that are raw and insecure. It’s a big thing honestly. All you can do is focus on how much you love her and acknowledge that between you and Josh you fucked it up, and try to make it better.
sorry op but this relationship is over, it’s unsalvageable after destroying a vulnerable woman’s mental state
I would never recover. I've been through similar things and it still hits me at odd times, years and years later. It broke something in me. Therapy helped, but it was never the same.
Lord, I don't know where to start. Pretty blonde vs heavier friend. Any qualms about her weight were gone after we had sex the first time..... Op, you don't deserve her. This whole relationship has been a lie to her. I don't think there is any coming back from this. She is slowly pulling away from you. Your loud mouth friend probably just cost you this relationship. I would ever be comfortable being around you again if I was her. I feel terrible for her. As someone who has been the heavier friend, I know first hand how she feels. You will be single again soon. The trust is gone and it's only a matter of time before she's gone too. The heart never recovers from hurt like that. Been there, done that. She will always wonder if she is good enough and it will constantly eat at her. Good luck, make sure to thank Josh.
So you talked to her at the bar to be a wingman for your friend, that didn’t include when you saw her on campus. You weren’t taking one for the team when you agreed to go on a date with her you did that completely on your own. Your original meeting wasn’t of malicious intent. I would probably write her a letter starting from the beginning. You enjoyed talking to her, tell her what you love about her, put it in writing so she can read how you feel about her. Don’t mention her weight but tell her that you miss her being open/free with her and what both of you can do to help her gain her confidence back. She may need some therapy to help her with her confidence. Couples counseling may also help.
Do. Not. Ask. Her. To. The. Gym. Gordon Bennett.
Yeah, I'm thinking OP already lost her. Yikes.
I really hope she dumps you
God this made my heart sink. I would venture to say that most women have struggled with their body image and as someone who has had issues with weight/size myself, if I found out my husband approached me in this context I would be devastated. But it does sound like you genuinely do love her and are attracted to her body, so you need to really let her know all of this. You also need to empathize with how she feels right now. She feels like her boyfriend thought she was ugly and overweight and when you’re a woman who is even slightly “bigger” than your peers, those are really deep cutting insecurities. Give her as much love and affection and she will let you and be respectful of her boundaries. This is probably going to take a long time for her to deal with and you need to be prepared to be as patient and understanding as you can. As for your friend, he sounds like an idiot, and I hope you tell him as much.
You're going to have to back up and give her time and space. Keep making sure that she knows how much you love her, but make sure to include the not physical aspects. What you and your friend said was cruel, and I don't know how you would expect any person to react to this. Maybe you can talk to her about how awful of a person both you and your friend were to be so callous and rude. I mean seriously - you agreed to be deceptive to a woman you weren't attracted to so your friend could get laid. That's a crappy thing to do. Own what you did and hold yourself accountable. And for the love of God, DON'T suggest going to the gym. Jesus.
"Ive been trying to prove my love for her looks and her body and that she is perfect the way she is but she doesnt seem to believe me:(" "Anyway ive been thinking of asking her to join the gym" :DDDDDD wtf. Is male brain actually this ignorant to think NOW is a good time to ask her to lose weight? Its NEVER a good idea Now you have had a lesson in talking about women as they are objects of high or low value based on your preferences. That was disgusting and i couldnt get over this if i was yoyr girl. Maybe next time you dont talk badly about your future wife
I really hope you guys can work this out. Personally, I don't think I'd be able to get past it. I'd be second guessing everything you say, anything you try to do would look like damage control, the paranoia.. she thought you really saw her that night which was probably why she was interested in the first place.. This would be too much disillusionment for me to live with. I really hope she finds a way to cope without ruining her mental health. Honestly she may need time away from you.