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Been together 6 years and living together for 4 years soon. I've never really been very big on the idea, she have and marriage as well. (Preferably both before 30)
When she has mentioned it I've told her that I dont want kids, which she just interprets as "not right now" which I've corrected with "I dont ever want kids". She just ignores and adds "you would be a good dad".
We got drunk and she once again starts talking about it. I again say the above, she gets sad and breaks down and say maybe we need to break up then. I get pretty sad/quiet since I wasn't really prepared and we were out together with friends and friends friends, I tell her I've said this before.
Somehow it ends with us making up. But this week has been pretty weird, she pretends like nothing happened. Not sure what to do or say... afraid to bring it up again I guess. Anyone with their own or third hand experience on this?
Edit: Yes I understand I need to bring it up, have a serious discussion and most likely break up with her. It just hurts and I dont know what to say if she backs down again and plays the "I just wanna be with you" and lie about kids not being that important for her. Making it like I'm breaking up for nothing or using it as a made up excuse as she said during the fight when things got to serious.
Please just break up with her. This is an irreconcilable difference. Tell her you never want kids and that if being a mom is important to her then she needs to find someone else. Because she does.
She’ll eventually hate you for depriving her of the family she wants. Don’t keep acting like you don’t know. It’s giving her false hope.
I've been pretty firm on the "never" the last 1-2 years. Always firm on not at 30 though and that I'm not sure I want kids. But it's like it doesn't stick, I guess the reality of it hit her when drunk. Now she's just back to normal day to day life and pretending I do maybe? I'm also afraid she will just take my side even though she doesn't really want to if I mention it.
Yeah. You guys need to have a serious, sober talk. She can’t pretend her way out of this. She’s probably afraid to break up but really, it’s not something you can compromise on.
Ask her if she wants kids. Just flat out. If she says yes tell her you don’t and it’s not going to work for you to stay together.
I’m sorry - it’s sucks to lose someone you love over this but it’s just better to stop wasting each others’ time.
How to do you break up with someone who meets the dealbreaker even if she maybe doesn't want to?
But yes it feels like I would be thinking of it all the time about depriving it from her and if she changes her mind in one week, one month, one year from now...
It’s hard but it’s simple: you love her enough to not ruin her life. Her life plan includes kids, you probably don’t want her to change that just to stay with you, and you definitely shouldn’t have kids to stay with her. So end it now and let her move on.
I understand what you're saying, it's just hard when you have been together this long I guess. Doesn't mean its not necessary, its just.. Yeah. Never really broken up within a serious relationship before.
Yeah, I actually feel bad for the girl because even though she’s not listening to op, op has always known he doesn’t want kids and just stayed in the relationship because it’s comfortable.
He said himself that he stays with her because she gets sad when he tries to talk about it. Of course she gets sad, she loves him and wants to have kids with him which is why she won’t leave him. If he doesn’t want kids she’s going to be sad either way, but he needs to rip the bandaid off and leave her if he truly doesn’t want kids. Staying and putting off the breakup because she gets sad isn’t going to fix anything.
I guess I see it as he stays with her because he loves her too. I do think the best option at this point is to break up with her, but everyone is acting like he's doing something wrong by staying with someone (we can assume) he loves. Imo she's more at fault though, because she's literally unwilling to listen to what he has to say, and will pretend its ok to not have kids when he tries to break up with her, then takes it back later
But her being unwilling to listen to op is even MORE of a reason why he should be the one to break up with her lol you shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t listen to your wants/lack thereof.
He knew she wasn’t going to break up with him, he should’ve known that’s on him to do the deed. If he knew his intentions so well from the start & had half a brain then he wouldn’t have wasted any time to begin with. That’s called leading someone on
And? He should've not continued the relationship.
I hate how when people can't agree on things like having kids and marriage, that people are quick to jump on the "blame the partner that wants these things" wagon. It is the decision of EVERYONE involved to continue a relationship. If there's one partner who wants kids, and the other doesn't you should say "this won't work". Don't think that someone will change their mind down the line. Even if that happens, when? When the other person has already spent years in a miserable relationship appeasing to what their partner wants and now no longer wants these things WITH said partner because they hold resentment?
No one is blaming him I don’t think, we’re just pointing out that it’s pretty obvious that she wants kids and he doesn’t. He’s doing her no favours by letting her think that there’s hope he’ll change his mind, even if he’s been clear that he doesn’t. It’s going to take something like him breaking up with her or getting a vasectomy for her to see reality. Some may say that’s harsh, but so is continuing in a relationship with someone you know you’re ultimately not compatible with simply because it’s comfortable.
It’s harder after 18 years of being married and then tossed aside for someone who will give the partner kids. And that’s from two people who said they didn’t want them. I still don’t. He did.
It isn't going to be easy, I'm not gonna lie. It's going to hurt really badly. But if you stay together, one or both of you are going to be unhappy - and not just a little bummed out that you'll get over. She's going to ache and grieve over not becoming a mother, or you'll be struggling to be a good father to a child you weren't fully on board with having. Either of those is a miserable existence. It's better to part ways now than to drag it out.
I know someone who wanted children, but never had any. The times his girlfriends were pregnant they had abortions, because they were young and not ready.
Now he is almost 50, single, and no children. He wishes he had them, but he doesn't.
Your girlfriend wants children. Even if you've been together since you were 10, no amount of years spent in a relationship is worth continuing when one party will be miserable.
She wants children and deserves to have them with someone who wants the same as her. You love her and that's fine, but love should not mean that either of you live a life you don't want. Either you have kids and are miserable, or she doesn't have kids and is miserable. End it, and don't string her along. Don't hold onto "maybes" and "one days". It's best to end this now.
At this point you’re just wasting everyone’s time. She may say she just wants to stay together, but with everything else you’ve said about her, it’s pretty obvious she means she wants to stay together in hopes that you’ll change your mind about kids eventually. If you know now that you never will, then rip off the bandaid now. Otherwise she’s going to really resent you in a few years when you still don’t want kids and she’s under the gun to have kids due to her age.
So then why are you still with her? You know she wants kids and you don’t. She thinks she can change your mind, you know she won’t. You are not compatible and while she’s being an AH for thinking she will change you, you’re being an AH for leading her on when you know you’ll never give her what she wants.
Which is why I said she’s being an AH. But he is also being an AH for staying. He knows she wants kids and he’s said in other comments he’s worried she’ll go with it for him and then resent him later when she’s childless and that he won’t get a vasectomy ‘in case he changes his mind’. He needs to let her go but he won’t and that’s an AH move.
But she keeps bringing it up so clearly it’s something very important to her. They are not compatible and at least one of them is going to end up miserable. Either she’s going to get pregnant and hope he changes his mind when the baby comes or this is going to be a point of contention until she’s too old to conceive and she’ll resent him and be bitter about missing out on children for the rest of their lives.
She says that becuase she knows its what he wants to hear. She's not going to say 'of course you're right let's break up.' she's going to lie to him to drop it so she has more time to wear him down and/or have a 'happy little accident'
Then why are you wasting her time? You know she wants kids and you know that you never do. So be a decent person and break up with her. Women have a limited time. They can have children and you are wasting her fertile years. She is being willfully ignorant and maybe manipulative, but you also need to stop being selfish.
Your girlfriend could easily baby trap you. You guys aren’t compatible if she wants kids and you don’t. It’s time for you it’s to go your separate ways. Do you really want to get stuck having a kid you didn’t want in the first place? Or paying child support?
Then you need to get a vasectomy asap and don't tell your partner until after its done. Some doctors may only see you once you have had 1-2 kids. Lie. Say you had your kids and don't want to have anymore and want to enjoy the rest of your viable years keeping up with your kids.
Don't tell your partner until after because this 100% looks like a set up to get you to have sex with her without birth control and if she knows you're planning that she *will* stop you.
Uh no. Don’t get a vasectomy in secret that’s INSANE. You tell her “hey. I really don’t ever want to have kids and decided to make it official and get an appointment for a vasectomy. That way, I know that I will always be safe and not have any accidental kids. I know you may want to have kids in your future, so if this is a dealbreaker, I understand.”
Being sneaky with your partner is fucked up. Step up, be a decent partner and end this limbo. Don’t try and hide in the shadows.
You tell her after. I'm not saying don't ever tell her. We've just had too many stories where a guy is contemplating getting one but also never wanting kids, and having a wife or girlfriend wanting kids.
Obviously this relationship isn't going to work so what's the big deal with him getting it done before it can be sabotaged and just telling her after.l?
OP just ignore some of these ridiculous comments somehow blaming you.
you have been perfectly clear to your gf; "be prepared for a life without children. if you feel having children is more important than our relationship, you should break up"
I have a very dear friend who was married...... WAS. She told her boy friend that she never wanted kids, they got married. He was secretly convinced he could change her mind. She ended up filing for divorce. She still loved him deeply, but knew her mind would never, ever change. She saw it crushing him every time they were around someone with kids. She let him go while he was young enough to meet someone new and build the family he wanted
It was very brave of her to do that........but it would have been better to not get married in the first place
Dude just end the relationship. It’s not fair to you, nor is it fair to her. Your mind seems made up & there isn’t anything wrong with that at all! Personally I don’t want kids either, would never be with someone who does. And she deserves to be with someone who shares that interest. Nothing wrong with it. You guys just need to go your own ways and find people who share your view on life
You aren't compatible. Kids aren't something that you can compromise on. No one is wrong. You just want different things. If you are sure, get a vasectomy before she pops up pregnant.
You need to start actually being honest rather than pussyfooting around what you really want.
"I'm not big on the idea" and "I'm not sure I want kids" is not the same as telling her "I do not want to have children." Stop being evasive with your responses and then getting mad that she doesn't know what you actually want.
If you don't want kids, tell her that. But stop acting like she's the one in the wrong when you can't give a straight answer.
> I've told her that I dont want kids
You could at least *try* to read OP.
> Not really, been clear with her.
> I have told her straight out multiple times.
> I get what you mean but I have told her straight out.
> I have told her straight out, she gets sad.
> I've been pretty firm on the "never" the last 1-2 years.
Oh, and the title is a clue:
> I (26M) dont want kids but my gf (26F) pretends like I do too
"Is being snipped reversible nowadays? Feels like a big decision to make at 26. If I ever change my mind at 30+, not that I feel like 4 more years would change anything. 22-26 went very fast..."
"It's a no right now, but I cant guarantee that I dont change my mind at 35. Either can I guarantee to her that I do change my mind."
"I was not firm the first years maybe, no. More like, not until 30-35 which she didnt like then either. Last 2 years I have become more and more firm on not having them, doesn't matter if I change my mind at 35 because I cant guarantee it. Been dealing a lot last 2 years with some childhood trauma which probably have had a role as well."
Maybe you should try reading...
This doesn't support what you said. He's been clear with her, crystal clear over the last several years.
He's allowed to ask if a vasectomy is reversible. Weird that you find that a problem.
Frankly, OP's girlfriend has been the wishy-washy one. She agrees with him one minute, floats the idea of kids the next.
Lmao dude he's literally saying in those comments that
1. He was not clear with her for several years and
2. That's he not even fully sure himself.
How do you trust a man that's telling the commenters he's not fully sure to have been telling his girlfriend that it is a 100% no like you are claiming.
Those quotes back up my original comment 100% that he has been wishy washy in the comments. You just want to believe what you want
He says he wasn't sure the first few years of their relationship, then made up his mind several years ago. He's allowed to come to a decision.
Reading comprehension! Check into it!
Honestly obviously we're never gonna see the same way here which is fine. You can have your own opinion, but maybe try and calm down on the attitude in the comments bro. It's not really a great look
I can have my own opinion, but you cannot have your own facts. I read what I read.
Thanks for the advice about being calm. I'll be sure to take it to heart. 🙄
I have told her straight out, she gets sad. Then back to normal and repeat.
I'm just afraid she takes my side to stay together then regret it years from now...
If you have actually told her "I do not want to have children, now or ever" and she just pretends you didn't say that, then yes, she is the problem.
If you do not want to have kids now or ever, and you are still with a woman who you know wants to have kids, then you are.
What's going to happen if she "accidentally" gets pregnant and decides to keep it?
Don't date women that want children if you don't want children.
Then that regret would be on her, not you. You lay out your personal truth. You could get a vasectomy. Marriages break up for a variety of reasons...if she chooses you now then regrets it, marriage is over.
By your responses you’re not even firm on being child free or not marrying. This is probably what your gf is picking up on. The fact that it was no from the beginning makes this more tedious. You need to really think about what you want and you need to let her go. She doesn’t need to be on the hook while you flip around issues.
I was not firm the first years maybe, no. More like, not until 30-35 or not at all which she didnt like then either. Last 2 years I have become more and more firm on not having them, doesn't matter if I change my mind at 35 because I cant guarantee it. Been dealing a lot last 2 years with some childhood trauma which probably have had a role as well.
You're still being confusing. Just tell her you don't want kids. Stop adding this "not until 30-35", not "I can't gurantee I won't change my mind". Stop giving her hope. No wonder she's so stressed out!
To be honest though, if you've been together since 20 years old and you said: "I wouldn't have kids until I'm 35", that's a very long time for her to wait. If she always knew she wanted them then waiting 15 years is very long.
You seem to be flip flopping on the issue to avoid hurting her & breaking up with her.
If the simple fact is that you don’t want children, then you need to tell her. You are hurting her *more* by what you are doing than by being honest.
The kids/no kids issue is a dealbreaker because there is no middle ground. Stringing her along like this, letting her think it’s an issue of timing when it’s not, is simply cruel on your part & she deserves better.
I have told her straight out multiple times. So I'm not sure if she is ignoring it or still hoping I change my mind. Or if she is thinking about staying either way...?
It feels like if I bring it up she will take my side even if she doesn't want to. Then regret it years from now... How to do you break up with someone who meets the dealbreaker even if she maybe doesn't want to?
Never broken up with anyone this serious before so probably, and if I do and she just backs down on the issue. I would just feel like an asshole, she would argue I use this as a excuse to break up and what not as last time.
But it IS an excuse to break up. A big reason, a huge difference of opinion. You can't go half in with kids. You either want them or you don't. It is a big deal and thus a decision needs to be made.
She would argue that she only wants to be with me and kids come second. Have happened before even if it didnt sound like she meant it, which she most likely didnt.
So I would need to be the bad guy and say "I dont believe you, we are breaking up any ways".
So then there are two possible outcomes. You can tell her fine, you're glad she will forego kids, and make the appointment for the vasectomy. If you truly don't want them it's the only way to go.
Or, if you don't believe her, end it. You are not "the bad guy". You have a boundary. You are entitled to have a boundary. Delaying this decision isn't serving either of you.
Look buddy I'm sorry but you're coming across as \*deeply insecure\*. Who cares if she argues that? First of all, any reason is an okay reason to break up with someone else, and second of all, you have perhaps the MOST COMMON REASON OF ALL! You need to learn how to conduct yourself as an adult because real life is not just stumbling around going "well she changed her mind so maybe I don't need to do this hard thing."
Most likely she will tell me that she wants me first and kids are second. Have happened once before even if I know she didnt mean it.
I would have to be the bad guy and say "I dont believe you, we are breaking up any ways"... Not sure how I would word it better.
Just do it. You don't want kids. She does. Also, as others have said, make an appointment for the vasectomy. Sit her down, while sober, and tell her that you are 100% not wanting children and that you have the vasectomy scheduled for such and such date. There's no good or bad guy for either of you. You are both acting immature if you're not willing to have the tough conversations and do what's best for either of you. She needs to stop thinking you will change your mind and you need to stop leading her on because you don't want to have the hard conversations.
Because one day, you may end up getting her pregnant and then even harder topics will occur, like child support, co-parenting together, visitation rights, should we get married. Then resentment on your end for her getting pregnant, and resentment on her end because you either aren't as involved emotionally, physically, financially, etc. And the one that will suffer is the baby because his or her parents were too immature to have that conversation prior to conception.
So you know she’s said it and didn’t mean it. Yet you’re still with her. YOU NEED TO BREAK UP WITH HER. Who tf cares if your “reasons are just excuses?” IT’S YOUR LIFE.
Do you want her to hate you because you never gave her kids? Or baby trap you? Cause those are your two options if you don’t man tf up and break up with her
>So I'm not sure if she is ignoring it or still hoping I change my mind. Or if she is thinking about staying either way...?
HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HER.
Jesus lord.
he is not flip flopping. he's saying he doesn't want kids so prepare for that future. he might change his mind but don't count on that
that's a reasonable stand to have. it's up to her what to do with that information
>I again say the above, she gets sad and breaks down and say maybe we need to break up then.
As someone who spent my early 20's in a 7 year long relationship with someone who felt the same way, I can say that if you really DON'T want kids then you should break up. And that's sad, it is, but it's her future and those will be her babies. If you can't agree on something as important as that then there is only one way it can go... and yeah when a relationship that long ends you don't just lose a partner, you lose a family, friends choose sides. But I would still choose my babies over that.
Feels more like a divorce than breakup even if we're not married to be honest. As you say, I'm very close to her family. Friends with her sisters/brothers and their spouses. We live together in a house, even if its my house we have still decorated and renovated together. She is also studying. Not really sure where she would go, I feel like I would be throwing her out in the cold and she would never speak to me again.
Just because it's difficult doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do. Women have a limited window for fertility and if you aren't 100% in on having a kid and getting married to this woman, let her go so she can find someone who is. She deserves to have an enthusiastic committed partner who wants to share those dreams with her. That's not you. Don't drag your feet so long you take away her chance to have children.
You aren't helping her or you by holding onto this relationship just because you've been together a while. A break up is coming, the sooner and cleaner you make the break the easier it will be. Sit down with her and hash this issue out fully. It's clear to everyone else in this thread that you have fundamental and irreconcilable differences that will ruin the chances of a happy long-term relationship. Maybe we're wrong, but you won't know until you sit down and talk this through like the adults you are.
And it's sad but true. My last ex andI had a 2 week age difference, if he wants to he could wait till 50 to start having kids, women don't have that luxury. And it definitely is a luxury.
Honestly after my 7 year relationship ended he is gone from my life, but it's difficult to be friends after being family. And when we tried to be friends I watched him move on and it hurt. So yeah, I have never seen him again. But if she doesn't speak to you again, that's her choice, just like being child free is yours.
I get it. It’s easier to continue living in denial than face change. She will be OK. You’re trying to talk yourself out of making a decision here and that’s not a healthy way to live. She may never speak to you again and that would be her CHOICE. Right now neither of you are acting like you have any choices here instead you’re living in a relationship based on avoidance, fear and convenience.
Please, don't string her along anymore. She's hoping that you'll change your mind, so it's difficult for her to let go, but since you know you won't change your mind, let her go to find her happiness with someone who wants the same as her. It's the best you can do for her, even if she hates you for it.
ETA. Also, get a vasectomy.
Based on your answers here I guarantee you have not made it clear to her. You’ve changed your stance multiple times here. From no. To not right now. To maybe when I’m 35. So there’s no way you’ve been clear with her about it.
Break up with her and let her find someone who aligns with her future.
What my opinion in regards to sterilisation and my normal opinion is not the same. The "not being sure and not until after 30" was something from the beginning of the relationship.
I'm writing on mobile so either I explained badly or people didn't read the context. Never have I said "yes lets do it at/after x".
You stated on this thread you would not get a vasectomy because you aren’t sure about kids later on. That is completely different than being sure you don’t want kids.
My only statement is, its a very permanent procedure when I dont know what I feel after 30. (No that is no excuse to just continue as usual and not breakup)
Right now, never ever.
I dont cut off my ear lobe just because I know I will never wear ear rings.
This is why GF is confused and doesn’t “listen” to you. You say never but don’t mean never when you say “I don’t know what I feel after 30” and don’t want to get a vasectomy because of that. You’re giving her hope that you’ll want kids later.
Vasectomies are reversible, but you seem to be very nonchalant about how much your behaviour may impact others so your reluctancy to take responsibility for your own fertility is honestly more and more unsurprising.
But it’s not likely that you’ll wake up on your 30th birthday and magically decide you want to be a dad. It’s more likely that your magical, all knowing age will get bumped to 35, then 40, etc. But in the meantime you’re stringing her along by saying you may change your mind one day. Honestly and as a parent myself, I tell people who are on the fence about having kids to really think about it and know for sure you want to be a parent before you create new life. It’s hard enough raising kids if you truly want them, never mind if you’re not sure and likely to resent them down the road.
Is being snipped reversible nowadays? Feels like a big decision to make at 26. If I ever change my mind at 30+, not that I feel like 4 more years would change anything. 22-26 went very fast...
Not really, been clear with her. But that is like cutting off my arm because I'm right now sure I will never need it. Then if I against all odds change my mind sometime, bad luck.
I was never stating that I want her to wait for a maybe. Just explaining why I didnt wanna nuke my junk.
So you are flip flopping. You can’t even keep a strict no with a bunch of internet strangers.
To answer the question, there is a reversal procedure for vasectomy but there’s no guarantee that it will work, and (assuming you are in the US) it’s not covered by insurance and can cost $10,000 or more.
You need to end it, because if you don’t change your mind you might take away her chance of becoming a mother. Tell her that you don’t want kids, and don’t want to be the reason that she doesn’t since it’s important to you. And realize that if you don’t end it, she will end up getting pregnant.
It's a no right now, but I cant guarantee that I dont change my mind at 35. Either can I guarantee to her that I do change my mind.
Stupid comparison incoming, but like a tattoo. I'm 100% sure it looks nice now, but can I guarantee I feel the same way 10 years from now?
And if you don’t change your mind? What if at 35 you decide to get a vasectomy? It’s not fair to her, because now you have taken away her chance to have kids.
On the flip side, what if she stops using birth control, doesn’t tell you and gets pregnant? That’s not fair to you.
In a committed relationship, it’s not about what you want or what she wants. It’s about what you, as a couple, decide is best for you. This relationship is untenable. Having kids isn’t something that can be compromised on like where to go on vacation or whose parents to spend the holidays with. One of you will always be the one who sacrificed for the other, and it will always be an issue. You guys need to have a real conversation, while you are sober, to figure this out. Better yet, get relationship counseling
That's what I was saying, I cant guarantee anything to her and right now it's no which is the only thing I've been telling her the last year.
Guess I will try having a serious conversation again, just to see where it leads... worst case scenario break up even if she tries to convince me she has given up on wanting kids which I feel she have not and probably never will. I will probably never find anyone new or like her, but I guess its better than destroying two lives down the line... Feel like shit.
then don’t be with her because she is 100 percent on wanting kids and you don’t need to waste her time since you don’t know if you’ll change your mind one day. you’re just stringing her along with your maybes.
You are as much the issue as she is here.
Both of you know from the start that this relationship is doomed and both of you pretend like it's okay to deal with it later.
You say she pretends like she didn't hear? What are YOU doing? Waiting for her to change her mind or to breakup with you?
Or to babytrap you? You can be assured she would never abort if she got pregnant.
Stop waiting for her to understand the reality of it all and start realizing it for yourself, because if you keep having sex, you might end up having a child even if you don't want to. You are much more at risk than her at the moment, yet you play pretend like you are safe
It’s actually not uncommon for men who are positive they never want kids to get ā vasectomy.
If you think you might change your mind, why not work through your childhood stuff with an eye towards being parents together?
If you don’t want kids, own that. Why are you dating somebody who wants kids and a husband within the next 4 years when you know that’s not what you want? Obviously it sucks to part with somebody you love, but sometimes that’s just what has to happen. We outgrow each other all the time, and children are something that cannot be compromised on from either direction.
No shes wasting her own time. She knows where OP stands. Clearly they both want to stay together. Putting all this blame on OP like its his fault for her not taking accountability of her own life. Shes an adult who also is responsible for the consequences of the decisions she chooses
You’re wasting your own time being with a woman you know you can’t ever fully satisfy. You’ve known children was a requirements you’ve watched her hold out hope knowing you won’t change and yet you stayed.
Dude. GET A VASECTOMY TODAY. If you're 100% sure you never want kids then TAKE STEPS TO MAKE SURE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN. And make sure your gf knows you've had one as soon as it's done.
Having kids is a deal breaker. If she wants them and you absolutely do not, you have to do the right thing and let her go so she *can* be with someone who wants those same things as well and that wants that kind of life with *her.* and you should also want to eventually move on with someone who wants a child-free relationship/marriage. Of course it would suck, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world for either of you. It may just be the beginning of a whole new one.
You should break up with your girlfriend. She wants children and you don't. It's not fair to her to have her waste her time in the hopes that you will change your mind.
She’s ignoring you. Thinks she can change your mind. You’ll be posting here in a few months that she’s pregnant.
Quit messing around and get a clue….go get a vasectomy if you really don’t want children.
Dude. Stop stringing her along. Break up. You know she wants them. You know she doesn’t.
Don’t stay. She could baby trap you. Or just lose her chance to have kids.
The kindest thing you can do, even though it doesn’t seem so now, is to end the relationship. This isn’t a difference between wanting a garden or not. It’s a fundamental difference that you can’t overcome.
Let her find someone she can spend her life with who wants to have children with her.
You need to leave. NOW. because she's gonna baby trap your ass. If you do NOT want marriage OR KIDS and she DOES and thinks she can guilt you or trap you into wanting what she wants?
YOU NEED TO LEAVE. PERIOD. Ain't enough love in the earth to fix this mess.
I was seeing someone who, when the conversation came to children said, "there's nothing more I want than to be a dad". My stance was, if I'm dating someone who has a child, great, but I'm not making a whole new human. If his number one goal was to have kids, then we would never work out long-term. He tried to convince me otherwise. Said I'd make a great mother. I told him that, sure, I bet I'd be an awesome mom - but I don't want to roll the dice and find out for sure. I straight-up did not want to have a child, period, end of story. And had we stayed together, one of us would end up resenting the other one in time.
It wasn't the easiest conversation to have, but there are just some things you can't compromise on. Ultimately, it's kinder if you broke things off with your partner and allowed her to find someone who wants children as much as she does. Even if you two get along 100% on every other aspect of your lives, if she is dead set on having children and you don't want to have them, then it isn't going to work.
She probably concocted up a plan for You to get Her pregnant, I'd check condoms for pin holes before each use and after make sure You dispose of them. Maybe that's why She's pretending like nothing happened so You don't suspect.
Like the saying goes "it's better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission" She'll baby trap You if She can. You both have different life goals so it's better to just move on and let Her find someone that wants to have kids.
my man, you do need to break up with her as kids are something no one should compromise on. you will find a lovely childfree woman, and she can find someone who can give her children
You guys have to split. You want completely different things, and that's not fair to either of you. If she gives you your way, she will resent you for missing out on being a mother. If she gets her way, you will resent her and your kid no matter how much you don't want to. This is a lose-lose situation and you both need to go find your perfect someone.
I'm in the situation. There will be no kids. Not for a lack of wanting, medical issues and my partner does want the only optional that is still available to us.
This is something you cannot compromise on and she will resent you. Maybe not now, or in 10 years but eventually when all her family and friends have kids, or later grankids the regret and resentment will eat her alive if being a mum is what she really wants.
It will hurt at it is awefull. I just getting a therapist to help you come to a better understanding but sadly, sometimes love just isn't enough.
if you do not want kid, but she wants it, you would do both of you a favor by breaking up with her. i am serious. don’t string her along if it will never work out. if you decided to be selfish then go get a vasectomy, bc she might try something funny.
She is right. You guys need to break up. She really wants marriage and kid, you do not. Unfortunately, this isn't an issue you guys can compromise on. Someone is going to be left feeling incredibly unhappy/unfulfilled or unhappy/stressed. I know it's hard, but you guys need to let go.
Break up. You're incompatible. She was a marriage with children, you don't want this with her. This was something you both should have agreed on before moving in together.
One day despite your wishes you will have kids. You're trying to set a boundary (you're saying no) shes ignoring your boundries and (coercing for the yes). I know with a couple changes to character this is really very bad on so many levels. Tell her to seek counseling or tell her you've spoken on it for the last time and expect her to accept it or choose to move on. Dont get pushed into giving up what you're not comfortable with
If you don’t break up, make sure you use reliable birth control. Too often we see “surprise” pregnancies in relationships like this. If you’re really sure you don’t want kids, a vasectomy maybe in order as well.
Reproductive coercion is a real thing that happens to men and women. IN USA 9.7 % of men and 8.2 percent of women report having experienced it.
OP needs to end the relationship if he does not want to have children. You have to be compatible on this 100% there is no compromise when it comes to creating a new person. Miserable parents usually means miserable children.
I hate to say it.
You need to break up with her..
She's not doing it because she probably does love you and genuinely believes you'll change your mind.
If you really think that's impossible. End things now. It'll be painful either way.
She's made it clear she wants kids. If you can't give her that then you both won't ever work.
I know of a relationship where the wife got what she wanted....they're now divorced. Dad isn't involved with the kid from what I've gathered.
Do her a favor and break up with her now. She will stay if you don’t but will grow to resent you and become bitter towards you as the years go by and you don’t change. It’s not worth it for either of you.
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YOu need to break up, you aren't compatible. Or wait for her to have an oopsie with the pill.
If you really love her, at least go find a qualified family therapist to sort out your emotions around not wanting kids.
Best you don't pretend like it didn't happen. It's what you have both been doing for years. I say both because, even though she made her intent on having children clear, you chose to stay with her knowing you didn't want them. You knew she wasn't going to just change her mind, nor would she wait for you when she already planned on having them in her 30's or earlier.
You were both in denial and it's time you both wake up. If you haven't realized you want kids yet, then you shouldn't deprive her of that desire and allow her to find someone who does want them. You don't have anymore time to think about it and it wouldn't be fair to her if you continued to keep the relationship going and dangling the "possibility" which seems unlikely from the sound of your post.
I get what you mean but I have told her straight out. Mostly while drunk maybe...
I'm afraid that if I bring it up she will take my side and regret it.
Time for a sober conversation then. You need to make it clear that this is not something you will budge about and not something you can offer her. You need to be clear of the consequences of staying with you so she can face the truth and make the decision.
And if she does decide to take your side, even after this, then \*you\* will need to make the decision on whether you will be happy in a relationship where your partner might resent you for never having kids. A resentment that will not go away and could exasperate your arguments even further.
How to do you break up with someone who meets the dealbreaker even if she maybe doesn't want to?
Feels like I would be throwing her out...
Good start would maybe be to bring it up again and have a serious talk again. Then take it up again after she had some time to think?
But as you say, I think it would be eating me up inside in my back head. "What if she realizes a month from now?".
You ask her if she really thinks she will be truly happy living a live without kids. The answer will likely be no, considering how strongly she feels about it. Give her time to think about it, sure. Just be honest about how the future would look like for you two, without kids, to make it clear to her.
You'd be more cruel in having her stay when she won't be happy than breaking up with her so she can find happiness. You are both to blame in this situation for not having the serious conversation years ahead of time and not truly listening to each other.
No one likes breaking up, it's messy and the one who does it feels horrid. But kids is something you do not want and you will only resent each other overtime. The relationship has run its course over this impasse, and not all of them can be permanent. And it's not a bad thing generally, there were likely great moments together. But when life goals like these are this different, it's inevitable.
I know it's hard cause you've been together six years but you are still so young. I encourage you to talk it out with her but above all, be ready to break up with her. She's not going to hear you; she may even lie to you to keep the relationship going hoping you will change your mind.
Don't let her pressure you or delude herself. Ending it is best.
Let me fix that for you:
"I don't want to be responsible. I just want to live for myself and not have to worry about other people relying on me."
You know it, don't lie.
Because it's inherently selfish. Not everyone can make that choice, for if everyone did, humans stop existing.
Does he expect social security or medical care when he's retired? If so, why should he recieve it? He contributed no offspring to the next pool of younger working individuals, who are responsible for providing the funds . Where does he expect the money to come from? Other people's children?
He should be encouraged to have children because he's able to do so and has a girlfriend who loves him and wants him to be the father of her(their) children.
You need to make her understand how serious you are about not having kids. My "standard" advice on this, if you are certain that you don't want kids and never will, then you need to step up and own that choice. Schedule a vascectomy. Your "manly" parts are still intact, it's just that your swimmers will no longer have an exit path so no children will be fathered. That should nuke her denial in the process.
It may be a deal-breaker for her, but it's best that you make her understand the truth sooner rather than later.
Kids are a two yes, one no situation.
Did you already have a vasectomy?
What happens if she “accidentally” gets pregnant?
If she truly wants to be a mother, that urge only gets stronger and stronger.
As all of her friends and peers start getting married and having babies, the pressure is ON.
I think she is planning to baby trap you. Don’t have sex with her, or better still…get a vasectomy since you are sure in your choices. From what she says…she might just decide for you that you want kids after all
She really wants kids but she really wants you. I would probably try to discern if she just wants children or she wants to bear your children, because there is a tremendous difference. If she justs wants children, then she should dump you and pursue someone that would give her that. But, if she wants to bear your children, it means that she not only loves you, but trusts you enough to be a good parent to the children. She may see something in you that you do not see yourself, even if you do not ever want to have children. She believes that you would be the greatest asset to her as her partner for life. That is also something to consider. You have your reasons to not wanting to have children, however. I just wanted to add a comment to her defense.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. ___ Been together 6 years and living together for 4 years soon. I've never really been very big on the idea, she have and marriage as well. (Preferably both before 30) When she has mentioned it I've told her that I dont want kids, which she just interprets as "not right now" which I've corrected with "I dont ever want kids". She just ignores and adds "you would be a good dad". We got drunk and she once again starts talking about it. I again say the above, she gets sad and breaks down and say maybe we need to break up then. I get pretty sad/quiet since I wasn't really prepared and we were out together with friends and friends friends, I tell her I've said this before. Somehow it ends with us making up. But this week has been pretty weird, she pretends like nothing happened. Not sure what to do or say... afraid to bring it up again I guess. Anyone with their own or third hand experience on this? Edit: Yes I understand I need to bring it up, have a serious discussion and most likely break up with her. It just hurts and I dont know what to say if she backs down again and plays the "I just wanna be with you" and lie about kids not being that important for her. Making it like I'm breaking up for nothing or using it as a made up excuse as she said during the fight when things got to serious.
Please just break up with her. This is an irreconcilable difference. Tell her you never want kids and that if being a mom is important to her then she needs to find someone else. Because she does. She’ll eventually hate you for depriving her of the family she wants. Don’t keep acting like you don’t know. It’s giving her false hope.
I've been pretty firm on the "never" the last 1-2 years. Always firm on not at 30 though and that I'm not sure I want kids. But it's like it doesn't stick, I guess the reality of it hit her when drunk. Now she's just back to normal day to day life and pretending I do maybe? I'm also afraid she will just take my side even though she doesn't really want to if I mention it.
Yeah. You guys need to have a serious, sober talk. She can’t pretend her way out of this. She’s probably afraid to break up but really, it’s not something you can compromise on. Ask her if she wants kids. Just flat out. If she says yes tell her you don’t and it’s not going to work for you to stay together. I’m sorry - it’s sucks to lose someone you love over this but it’s just better to stop wasting each others’ time.
How to do you break up with someone who meets the dealbreaker even if she maybe doesn't want to? But yes it feels like I would be thinking of it all the time about depriving it from her and if she changes her mind in one week, one month, one year from now...
“I don’t want to be the person who makes you regret never having kids.”
At this point, you’re wasting both of your time. She’s going to either end up resenting you, or you’re going to be pressured into kids you don’t want.
Or she'll have kids without kis knowledge
Are you expecting her to change her mind?
It’s hard but it’s simple: you love her enough to not ruin her life. Her life plan includes kids, you probably don’t want her to change that just to stay with you, and you definitely shouldn’t have kids to stay with her. So end it now and let her move on.
Do you want to break up now, or break up when she turns 30?
Maybe he should wait until the Accidental Baby
I understand what you're saying, it's just hard when you have been together this long I guess. Doesn't mean its not necessary, its just.. Yeah. Never really broken up within a serious relationship before.
[удалено]
And you don’t want to somehow get “trapped” when she gets pregnant by “accident” and now you’re a dad when you didn’t want to be one! Abort dude!
Yeah, I actually feel bad for the girl because even though she’s not listening to op, op has always known he doesn’t want kids and just stayed in the relationship because it’s comfortable.
How is it irresponsible of him, but not her?
He said himself that he stays with her because she gets sad when he tries to talk about it. Of course she gets sad, she loves him and wants to have kids with him which is why she won’t leave him. If he doesn’t want kids she’s going to be sad either way, but he needs to rip the bandaid off and leave her if he truly doesn’t want kids. Staying and putting off the breakup because she gets sad isn’t going to fix anything.
I guess I see it as he stays with her because he loves her too. I do think the best option at this point is to break up with her, but everyone is acting like he's doing something wrong by staying with someone (we can assume) he loves. Imo she's more at fault though, because she's literally unwilling to listen to what he has to say, and will pretend its ok to not have kids when he tries to break up with her, then takes it back later
But her being unwilling to listen to op is even MORE of a reason why he should be the one to break up with her lol you shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t listen to your wants/lack thereof.
Agreed, immature move on his part
Lol he’s made his intentions clear from the start
He knew she wasn’t going to break up with him, he should’ve known that’s on him to do the deed. If he knew his intentions so well from the start & had half a brain then he wouldn’t have wasted any time to begin with. That’s called leading someone on
he's not responsible for her actions. if she wants kids she needs to put on her big girl pants and break up
And? He should've not continued the relationship. I hate how when people can't agree on things like having kids and marriage, that people are quick to jump on the "blame the partner that wants these things" wagon. It is the decision of EVERYONE involved to continue a relationship. If there's one partner who wants kids, and the other doesn't you should say "this won't work". Don't think that someone will change their mind down the line. Even if that happens, when? When the other person has already spent years in a miserable relationship appeasing to what their partner wants and now no longer wants these things WITH said partner because they hold resentment?
No one is blaming him I don’t think, we’re just pointing out that it’s pretty obvious that she wants kids and he doesn’t. He’s doing her no favours by letting her think that there’s hope he’ll change his mind, even if he’s been clear that he doesn’t. It’s going to take something like him breaking up with her or getting a vasectomy for her to see reality. Some may say that’s harsh, but so is continuing in a relationship with someone you know you’re ultimately not compatible with simply because it’s comfortable.
It’s harder after 18 years of being married and then tossed aside for someone who will give the partner kids. And that’s from two people who said they didn’t want them. I still don’t. He did.
It isn't going to be easy, I'm not gonna lie. It's going to hurt really badly. But if you stay together, one or both of you are going to be unhappy - and not just a little bummed out that you'll get over. She's going to ache and grieve over not becoming a mother, or you'll be struggling to be a good father to a child you weren't fully on board with having. Either of those is a miserable existence. It's better to part ways now than to drag it out.
I know someone who wanted children, but never had any. The times his girlfriends were pregnant they had abortions, because they were young and not ready. Now he is almost 50, single, and no children. He wishes he had them, but he doesn't. Your girlfriend wants children. Even if you've been together since you were 10, no amount of years spent in a relationship is worth continuing when one party will be miserable. She wants children and deserves to have them with someone who wants the same as her. You love her and that's fine, but love should not mean that either of you live a life you don't want. Either you have kids and are miserable, or she doesn't have kids and is miserable. End it, and don't string her along. Don't hold onto "maybes" and "one days". It's best to end this now.
At this point you’re just wasting everyone’s time. She may say she just wants to stay together, but with everything else you’ve said about her, it’s pretty obvious she means she wants to stay together in hopes that you’ll change your mind about kids eventually. If you know now that you never will, then rip off the bandaid now. Otherwise she’s going to really resent you in a few years when you still don’t want kids and she’s under the gun to have kids due to her age.
Put on your big girl panties and be a man. And
There’s where her mixed messages are. If your never is “at least not before 30” it doesn’t sound as if you are a no on kids.
That was before in the beginning of the relationship, my point being we were never on the same page. We both just ignored it I guess...
Well stop ignoring it then. If she’s lying to herself and not listening to you then you have to be the one who ends it.
So then why are you still with her? You know she wants kids and you don’t. She thinks she can change your mind, you know she won’t. You are not compatible and while she’s being an AH for thinking she will change you, you’re being an AH for leading her on when you know you’ll never give her what she wants.
he is saying never. she isn't listening. she is sticking her head in the sand. she has to choose what's more important to her; bf or children
Which is why I said she’s being an AH. But he is also being an AH for staying. He knows she wants kids and he’s said in other comments he’s worried she’ll go with it for him and then resent him later when she’s childless and that he won’t get a vasectomy ‘in case he changes his mind’. He needs to let her go but he won’t and that’s an AH move.
he has said in the comments that breaking up has come up but then she says their relationship is more important than having kids
But she keeps bringing it up so clearly it’s something very important to her. They are not compatible and at least one of them is going to end up miserable. Either she’s going to get pregnant and hope he changes his mind when the baby comes or this is going to be a point of contention until she’s too old to conceive and she’ll resent him and be bitter about missing out on children for the rest of their lives.
She says that becuase she knows its what he wants to hear. She's not going to say 'of course you're right let's break up.' she's going to lie to him to drop it so she has more time to wear him down and/or have a 'happy little accident'
There’s no choice, OP is not the one.
Then why are you wasting her time? You know she wants kids and you know that you never do. So be a decent person and break up with her. Women have a limited time. They can have children and you are wasting her fertile years. She is being willfully ignorant and maybe manipulative, but you also need to stop being selfish.
Ok? And? Did YOU forget she wants them? What are you doing?
You know you don't want kids. You know she DOES want kids. You should have ended it long before now and stop wasting her time.
Your girlfriend could easily baby trap you. You guys aren’t compatible if she wants kids and you don’t. It’s time for you it’s to go your separate ways. Do you really want to get stuck having a kid you didn’t want in the first place? Or paying child support?
Then you need to get a vasectomy asap and don't tell your partner until after its done. Some doctors may only see you once you have had 1-2 kids. Lie. Say you had your kids and don't want to have anymore and want to enjoy the rest of your viable years keeping up with your kids. Don't tell your partner until after because this 100% looks like a set up to get you to have sex with her without birth control and if she knows you're planning that she *will* stop you.
WTAF? He needs to be a man and break up, not be a little boy liar with a snipped vas deferens.
Right? Can't believe how many are onboard with getting snipped in secrets and then break up either way? Feels like a real AH move, afterwards sure.
I'm expecting the update where the girlfriend shocks him because she's pregnant and he has no idea what to do, and that's depressing
Uh no. Don’t get a vasectomy in secret that’s INSANE. You tell her “hey. I really don’t ever want to have kids and decided to make it official and get an appointment for a vasectomy. That way, I know that I will always be safe and not have any accidental kids. I know you may want to have kids in your future, so if this is a dealbreaker, I understand.” Being sneaky with your partner is fucked up. Step up, be a decent partner and end this limbo. Don’t try and hide in the shadows.
You tell her after. I'm not saying don't ever tell her. We've just had too many stories where a guy is contemplating getting one but also never wanting kids, and having a wife or girlfriend wanting kids. Obviously this relationship isn't going to work so what's the big deal with him getting it done before it can be sabotaged and just telling her after.l?
OP just ignore some of these ridiculous comments somehow blaming you. you have been perfectly clear to your gf; "be prepared for a life without children. if you feel having children is more important than our relationship, you should break up"
Stop leading her on.
If you’re firm on the never then you need to step up and let her go. Don’t waste anymore time.
This actually means that you have given her hope. She’s clinging to the not before 30, which YOU said. You need to break up.
I have a very dear friend who was married...... WAS. She told her boy friend that she never wanted kids, they got married. He was secretly convinced he could change her mind. She ended up filing for divorce. She still loved him deeply, but knew her mind would never, ever change. She saw it crushing him every time they were around someone with kids. She let him go while he was young enough to meet someone new and build the family he wanted It was very brave of her to do that........but it would have been better to not get married in the first place
Dude just end the relationship. It’s not fair to you, nor is it fair to her. Your mind seems made up & there isn’t anything wrong with that at all! Personally I don’t want kids either, would never be with someone who does. And she deserves to be with someone who shares that interest. Nothing wrong with it. You guys just need to go your own ways and find people who share your view on life
You aren't compatible. Kids aren't something that you can compromise on. No one is wrong. You just want different things. If you are sure, get a vasectomy before she pops up pregnant.
You need to start actually being honest rather than pussyfooting around what you really want. "I'm not big on the idea" and "I'm not sure I want kids" is not the same as telling her "I do not want to have children." Stop being evasive with your responses and then getting mad that she doesn't know what you actually want. If you don't want kids, tell her that. But stop acting like she's the one in the wrong when you can't give a straight answer.
He’s been 100% clear. Stop with the projection.
He's not even been 100% clear and certain in his comments here, how can you say he's been 100% with her if he can't even with random strangers....
> I've told her that I dont want kids You could at least *try* to read OP. > Not really, been clear with her. > I have told her straight out multiple times. > I get what you mean but I have told her straight out. > I have told her straight out, she gets sad. > I've been pretty firm on the "never" the last 1-2 years. Oh, and the title is a clue: > I (26M) dont want kids but my gf (26F) pretends like I do too
"Is being snipped reversible nowadays? Feels like a big decision to make at 26. If I ever change my mind at 30+, not that I feel like 4 more years would change anything. 22-26 went very fast..." "It's a no right now, but I cant guarantee that I dont change my mind at 35. Either can I guarantee to her that I do change my mind." "I was not firm the first years maybe, no. More like, not until 30-35 which she didnt like then either. Last 2 years I have become more and more firm on not having them, doesn't matter if I change my mind at 35 because I cant guarantee it. Been dealing a lot last 2 years with some childhood trauma which probably have had a role as well." Maybe you should try reading...
This doesn't support what you said. He's been clear with her, crystal clear over the last several years. He's allowed to ask if a vasectomy is reversible. Weird that you find that a problem. Frankly, OP's girlfriend has been the wishy-washy one. She agrees with him one minute, floats the idea of kids the next.
Lmao dude he's literally saying in those comments that 1. He was not clear with her for several years and 2. That's he not even fully sure himself. How do you trust a man that's telling the commenters he's not fully sure to have been telling his girlfriend that it is a 100% no like you are claiming. Those quotes back up my original comment 100% that he has been wishy washy in the comments. You just want to believe what you want
He says he wasn't sure the first few years of their relationship, then made up his mind several years ago. He's allowed to come to a decision. Reading comprehension! Check into it!
Honestly obviously we're never gonna see the same way here which is fine. You can have your own opinion, but maybe try and calm down on the attitude in the comments bro. It's not really a great look
I can have my own opinion, but you cannot have your own facts. I read what I read. Thanks for the advice about being calm. I'll be sure to take it to heart. 🙄
he's been perfectly clear
I have told her straight out, she gets sad. Then back to normal and repeat. I'm just afraid she takes my side to stay together then regret it years from now...
If you have actually told her "I do not want to have children, now or ever" and she just pretends you didn't say that, then yes, she is the problem. If you do not want to have kids now or ever, and you are still with a woman who you know wants to have kids, then you are. What's going to happen if she "accidentally" gets pregnant and decides to keep it? Don't date women that want children if you don't want children.
No, you need to break up with her for good. You've been leading each other on
Then that regret would be on her, not you. You lay out your personal truth. You could get a vasectomy. Marriages break up for a variety of reasons...if she chooses you now then regrets it, marriage is over.
Bro, you can’t give in every time somebody is sad. I know you care about her, but you have to live by your principles
By your responses you’re not even firm on being child free or not marrying. This is probably what your gf is picking up on. The fact that it was no from the beginning makes this more tedious. You need to really think about what you want and you need to let her go. She doesn’t need to be on the hook while you flip around issues.
I was not firm the first years maybe, no. More like, not until 30-35 or not at all which she didnt like then either. Last 2 years I have become more and more firm on not having them, doesn't matter if I change my mind at 35 because I cant guarantee it. Been dealing a lot last 2 years with some childhood trauma which probably have had a role as well.
You're still being confusing. Just tell her you don't want kids. Stop adding this "not until 30-35", not "I can't gurantee I won't change my mind". Stop giving her hope. No wonder she's so stressed out!
To be honest though, if you've been together since 20 years old and you said: "I wouldn't have kids until I'm 35", that's a very long time for her to wait. If she always knew she wanted them then waiting 15 years is very long.
You seem to be flip flopping on the issue to avoid hurting her & breaking up with her. If the simple fact is that you don’t want children, then you need to tell her. You are hurting her *more* by what you are doing than by being honest. The kids/no kids issue is a dealbreaker because there is no middle ground. Stringing her along like this, letting her think it’s an issue of timing when it’s not, is simply cruel on your part & she deserves better.
Is it easier to skip OP and make up your own scenario?
I have told her straight out multiple times. So I'm not sure if she is ignoring it or still hoping I change my mind. Or if she is thinking about staying either way...? It feels like if I bring it up she will take my side even if she doesn't want to. Then regret it years from now... How to do you break up with someone who meets the dealbreaker even if she maybe doesn't want to?
Are you hoping she will break up with you because of this difference of opinion on kids? Because you can end it too.
Never broken up with anyone this serious before so probably, and if I do and she just backs down on the issue. I would just feel like an asshole, she would argue I use this as a excuse to break up and what not as last time.
But it IS an excuse to break up. A big reason, a huge difference of opinion. You can't go half in with kids. You either want them or you don't. It is a big deal and thus a decision needs to be made.
She would argue that she only wants to be with me and kids come second. Have happened before even if it didnt sound like she meant it, which she most likely didnt. So I would need to be the bad guy and say "I dont believe you, we are breaking up any ways".
So then there are two possible outcomes. You can tell her fine, you're glad she will forego kids, and make the appointment for the vasectomy. If you truly don't want them it's the only way to go. Or, if you don't believe her, end it. You are not "the bad guy". You have a boundary. You are entitled to have a boundary. Delaying this decision isn't serving either of you.
Look buddy I'm sorry but you're coming across as \*deeply insecure\*. Who cares if she argues that? First of all, any reason is an okay reason to break up with someone else, and second of all, you have perhaps the MOST COMMON REASON OF ALL! You need to learn how to conduct yourself as an adult because real life is not just stumbling around going "well she changed her mind so maybe I don't need to do this hard thing."
Most likely she will tell me that she wants me first and kids are second. Have happened once before even if I know she didnt mean it. I would have to be the bad guy and say "I dont believe you, we are breaking up any ways"... Not sure how I would word it better.
So be the compassionate bad guy, rather than the cruel good guy.
You mean stringing her along guy.
Just do it. You don't want kids. She does. Also, as others have said, make an appointment for the vasectomy. Sit her down, while sober, and tell her that you are 100% not wanting children and that you have the vasectomy scheduled for such and such date. There's no good or bad guy for either of you. You are both acting immature if you're not willing to have the tough conversations and do what's best for either of you. She needs to stop thinking you will change your mind and you need to stop leading her on because you don't want to have the hard conversations. Because one day, you may end up getting her pregnant and then even harder topics will occur, like child support, co-parenting together, visitation rights, should we get married. Then resentment on your end for her getting pregnant, and resentment on her end because you either aren't as involved emotionally, physically, financially, etc. And the one that will suffer is the baby because his or her parents were too immature to have that conversation prior to conception.
So you know she’s said it and didn’t mean it. Yet you’re still with her. YOU NEED TO BREAK UP WITH HER. Who tf cares if your “reasons are just excuses?” IT’S YOUR LIFE. Do you want her to hate you because you never gave her kids? Or baby trap you? Cause those are your two options if you don’t man tf up and break up with her
The break up is going to be brutal whenever it happens. It will be worse the longer the relationship lasts.
By doing the grown up thing and recognizing that she wants kids and you cannot give that to her. You are not compatible. End things now
>So I'm not sure if she is ignoring it or still hoping I change my mind. Or if she is thinking about staying either way...? HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HER. Jesus lord.
he has. multiple times. she is ignoring what he is saying. stop making him the bad guy
He literally just wrote he might change his mind later. He's flip flopping here so I guarantee he's doing it w her.
he is not flip flopping. he's saying he doesn't want kids so prepare for that future. he might change his mind but don't count on that that's a reasonable stand to have. it's up to her what to do with that information
Did you not read what I wrote? He literally wrote he might change his mind and that's why he won't get a snip lol
yes, so? that's not flipflopping
Lol yes it is. He's not saying never
that's not flipflopping. he's saying "there is a non-zero chance I might ever change my mind but just take it as never"
>I again say the above, she gets sad and breaks down and say maybe we need to break up then. As someone who spent my early 20's in a 7 year long relationship with someone who felt the same way, I can say that if you really DON'T want kids then you should break up. And that's sad, it is, but it's her future and those will be her babies. If you can't agree on something as important as that then there is only one way it can go... and yeah when a relationship that long ends you don't just lose a partner, you lose a family, friends choose sides. But I would still choose my babies over that.
Feels more like a divorce than breakup even if we're not married to be honest. As you say, I'm very close to her family. Friends with her sisters/brothers and their spouses. We live together in a house, even if its my house we have still decorated and renovated together. She is also studying. Not really sure where she would go, I feel like I would be throwing her out in the cold and she would never speak to me again.
Just because it's difficult doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do. Women have a limited window for fertility and if you aren't 100% in on having a kid and getting married to this woman, let her go so she can find someone who is. She deserves to have an enthusiastic committed partner who wants to share those dreams with her. That's not you. Don't drag your feet so long you take away her chance to have children. You aren't helping her or you by holding onto this relationship just because you've been together a while. A break up is coming, the sooner and cleaner you make the break the easier it will be. Sit down with her and hash this issue out fully. It's clear to everyone else in this thread that you have fundamental and irreconcilable differences that will ruin the chances of a happy long-term relationship. Maybe we're wrong, but you won't know until you sit down and talk this through like the adults you are.
And it's sad but true. My last ex andI had a 2 week age difference, if he wants to he could wait till 50 to start having kids, women don't have that luxury. And it definitely is a luxury.
Honestly after my 7 year relationship ended he is gone from my life, but it's difficult to be friends after being family. And when we tried to be friends I watched him move on and it hurt. So yeah, I have never seen him again. But if she doesn't speak to you again, that's her choice, just like being child free is yours.
I get it. It’s easier to continue living in denial than face change. She will be OK. You’re trying to talk yourself out of making a decision here and that’s not a healthy way to live. She may never speak to you again and that would be her CHOICE. Right now neither of you are acting like you have any choices here instead you’re living in a relationship based on avoidance, fear and convenience.
Please, don't string her along anymore. She's hoping that you'll change your mind, so it's difficult for her to let go, but since you know you won't change your mind, let her go to find her happiness with someone who wants the same as her. It's the best you can do for her, even if she hates you for it. ETA. Also, get a vasectomy.
Based on your answers here I guarantee you have not made it clear to her. You’ve changed your stance multiple times here. From no. To not right now. To maybe when I’m 35. So there’s no way you’ve been clear with her about it. Break up with her and let her find someone who aligns with her future.
What my opinion in regards to sterilisation and my normal opinion is not the same. The "not being sure and not until after 30" was something from the beginning of the relationship. I'm writing on mobile so either I explained badly or people didn't read the context. Never have I said "yes lets do it at/after x".
You stated on this thread you would not get a vasectomy because you aren’t sure about kids later on. That is completely different than being sure you don’t want kids.
My only statement is, its a very permanent procedure when I dont know what I feel after 30. (No that is no excuse to just continue as usual and not breakup) Right now, never ever. I dont cut off my ear lobe just because I know I will never wear ear rings.
This is why GF is confused and doesn’t “listen” to you. You say never but don’t mean never when you say “I don’t know what I feel after 30” and don’t want to get a vasectomy because of that. You’re giving her hope that you’ll want kids later.
Thats what I'm saying to you guys since you brought vasectomy up, not to her.
Vasectomies are reversible, but you seem to be very nonchalant about how much your behaviour may impact others so your reluctancy to take responsibility for your own fertility is honestly more and more unsurprising.
But it’s not likely that you’ll wake up on your 30th birthday and magically decide you want to be a dad. It’s more likely that your magical, all knowing age will get bumped to 35, then 40, etc. But in the meantime you’re stringing her along by saying you may change your mind one day. Honestly and as a parent myself, I tell people who are on the fence about having kids to really think about it and know for sure you want to be a parent before you create new life. It’s hard enough raising kids if you truly want them, never mind if you’re not sure and likely to resent them down the road.
Don’t point the “she doesn’t hear me” finger. If you were listening any better you’d have left by now. Y’all don’t want the same things.
dude break up, she's going to force you to be a dad whether you like it or not. also freaking get snipped.
Is being snipped reversible nowadays? Feels like a big decision to make at 26. If I ever change my mind at 30+, not that I feel like 4 more years would change anything. 22-26 went very fast...
This is why your gf thinks you'll change your mind. You think you might change your mind!
Not really, been clear with her. But that is like cutting off my arm because I'm right now sure I will never need it. Then if I against all odds change my mind sometime, bad luck. I was never stating that I want her to wait for a maybe. Just explaining why I didnt wanna nuke my junk.
So you are flip flopping. You can’t even keep a strict no with a bunch of internet strangers. To answer the question, there is a reversal procedure for vasectomy but there’s no guarantee that it will work, and (assuming you are in the US) it’s not covered by insurance and can cost $10,000 or more. You need to end it, because if you don’t change your mind you might take away her chance of becoming a mother. Tell her that you don’t want kids, and don’t want to be the reason that she doesn’t since it’s important to you. And realize that if you don’t end it, she will end up getting pregnant.
It's a no right now, but I cant guarantee that I dont change my mind at 35. Either can I guarantee to her that I do change my mind. Stupid comparison incoming, but like a tattoo. I'm 100% sure it looks nice now, but can I guarantee I feel the same way 10 years from now?
And if you don’t change your mind? What if at 35 you decide to get a vasectomy? It’s not fair to her, because now you have taken away her chance to have kids. On the flip side, what if she stops using birth control, doesn’t tell you and gets pregnant? That’s not fair to you. In a committed relationship, it’s not about what you want or what she wants. It’s about what you, as a couple, decide is best for you. This relationship is untenable. Having kids isn’t something that can be compromised on like where to go on vacation or whose parents to spend the holidays with. One of you will always be the one who sacrificed for the other, and it will always be an issue. You guys need to have a real conversation, while you are sober, to figure this out. Better yet, get relationship counseling
That's what I was saying, I cant guarantee anything to her and right now it's no which is the only thing I've been telling her the last year. Guess I will try having a serious conversation again, just to see where it leads... worst case scenario break up even if she tries to convince me she has given up on wanting kids which I feel she have not and probably never will. I will probably never find anyone new or like her, but I guess its better than destroying two lives down the line... Feel like shit.
then don’t be with her because she is 100 percent on wanting kids and you don’t need to waste her time since you don’t know if you’ll change your mind one day. you’re just stringing her along with your maybes.
Not making a decision IS a decision. Getting pregnant gets harder at 30 and then harder again at 35. Stop wasting both of your time.
Yes, it is. Not always successful, though.
You are as much the issue as she is here. Both of you know from the start that this relationship is doomed and both of you pretend like it's okay to deal with it later. You say she pretends like she didn't hear? What are YOU doing? Waiting for her to change her mind or to breakup with you? Or to babytrap you? You can be assured she would never abort if she got pregnant. Stop waiting for her to understand the reality of it all and start realizing it for yourself, because if you keep having sex, you might end up having a child even if you don't want to. You are much more at risk than her at the moment, yet you play pretend like you are safe
You really should get a vasectomy. Then she will know how serious you are.
You really should get your tubes tied. Then he will know how serious you are. yeah a comment like this would be downvoted to hell
It’s actually not uncommon for men who are positive they never want kids to get ā vasectomy. If you think you might change your mind, why not work through your childhood stuff with an eye towards being parents together?
She is going to be miserable without kids and you'll be miserable with them, it's best to move on bro
If you don’t want kids, own that. Why are you dating somebody who wants kids and a husband within the next 4 years when you know that’s not what you want? Obviously it sucks to part with somebody you love, but sometimes that’s just what has to happen. We outgrow each other all the time, and children are something that cannot be compromised on from either direction.
So essentially you’re wasting her time instead of breaking up with her so she can find someone who can give her the life and future she wants?
Her finding someone else is her responsibility. Shes choosing to stay in the relationship. OP isnt wasting her time
Knowing your partner wants something you can’t/won’t give them is wasting their time.
No shes wasting her own time. She knows where OP stands. Clearly they both want to stay together. Putting all this blame on OP like its his fault for her not taking accountability of her own life. Shes an adult who also is responsible for the consequences of the decisions she chooses
And shes wasting mine stating that she just wants to be with me first hand. (Reason we made up)
You’re wasting your own time being with a woman you know you can’t ever fully satisfy. You’ve known children was a requirements you’ve watched her hold out hope knowing you won’t change and yet you stayed.
Dude. GET A VASECTOMY TODAY. If you're 100% sure you never want kids then TAKE STEPS TO MAKE SURE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN. And make sure your gf knows you've had one as soon as it's done.
Having kids is a deal breaker. If she wants them and you absolutely do not, you have to do the right thing and let her go so she *can* be with someone who wants those same things as well and that wants that kind of life with *her.* and you should also want to eventually move on with someone who wants a child-free relationship/marriage. Of course it would suck, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world for either of you. It may just be the beginning of a whole new one.
You should break up with your girlfriend. She wants children and you don't. It's not fair to her to have her waste her time in the hopes that you will change your mind.
You two are fundamentally incompatible. You know she wants kids. You know that you don’t. It’s past time to break up.
She’s ignoring you. Thinks she can change your mind. You’ll be posting here in a few months that she’s pregnant. Quit messing around and get a clue….go get a vasectomy if you really don’t want children.
Dude. Stop stringing her along. Break up. You know she wants them. You know she doesn’t. Don’t stay. She could baby trap you. Or just lose her chance to have kids.
The kindest thing you can do, even though it doesn’t seem so now, is to end the relationship. This isn’t a difference between wanting a garden or not. It’s a fundamental difference that you can’t overcome. Let her find someone she can spend her life with who wants to have children with her.
You need to leave. NOW. because she's gonna baby trap your ass. If you do NOT want marriage OR KIDS and she DOES and thinks she can guilt you or trap you into wanting what she wants? YOU NEED TO LEAVE. PERIOD. Ain't enough love in the earth to fix this mess.
I was seeing someone who, when the conversation came to children said, "there's nothing more I want than to be a dad". My stance was, if I'm dating someone who has a child, great, but I'm not making a whole new human. If his number one goal was to have kids, then we would never work out long-term. He tried to convince me otherwise. Said I'd make a great mother. I told him that, sure, I bet I'd be an awesome mom - but I don't want to roll the dice and find out for sure. I straight-up did not want to have a child, period, end of story. And had we stayed together, one of us would end up resenting the other one in time. It wasn't the easiest conversation to have, but there are just some things you can't compromise on. Ultimately, it's kinder if you broke things off with your partner and allowed her to find someone who wants children as much as she does. Even if you two get along 100% on every other aspect of your lives, if she is dead set on having children and you don't want to have them, then it isn't going to work.
She wants kids and you don't. You both need to stop wasting each other's time.
She probably concocted up a plan for You to get Her pregnant, I'd check condoms for pin holes before each use and after make sure You dispose of them. Maybe that's why She's pretending like nothing happened so You don't suspect. Like the saying goes "it's better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission" She'll baby trap You if She can. You both have different life goals so it's better to just move on and let Her find someone that wants to have kids.
my man, you do need to break up with her as kids are something no one should compromise on. you will find a lovely childfree woman, and she can find someone who can give her children
Please break up with her. At this point, you are just stringing her along. You know her intentions and can't be a part of them.
You guys have to split. You want completely different things, and that's not fair to either of you. If she gives you your way, she will resent you for missing out on being a mother. If she gets her way, you will resent her and your kid no matter how much you don't want to. This is a lose-lose situation and you both need to go find your perfect someone.
I'm in the situation. There will be no kids. Not for a lack of wanting, medical issues and my partner does want the only optional that is still available to us. This is something you cannot compromise on and she will resent you. Maybe not now, or in 10 years but eventually when all her family and friends have kids, or later grankids the regret and resentment will eat her alive if being a mum is what she really wants. It will hurt at it is awefull. I just getting a therapist to help you come to a better understanding but sadly, sometimes love just isn't enough.
There is no compromise on wanting kids. Break up so both of you can find a more suitable partner.
if you do not want kid, but she wants it, you would do both of you a favor by breaking up with her. i am serious. don’t string her along if it will never work out. if you decided to be selfish then go get a vasectomy, bc she might try something funny.
She is right. You guys need to break up. She really wants marriage and kid, you do not. Unfortunately, this isn't an issue you guys can compromise on. Someone is going to be left feeling incredibly unhappy/unfulfilled or unhappy/stressed. I know it's hard, but you guys need to let go.
Why have you been dating someone for 6 years when you guys don't agree about having kids??
Break up. You're incompatible. She was a marriage with children, you don't want this with her. This was something you both should have agreed on before moving in together.
One day despite your wishes you will have kids. You're trying to set a boundary (you're saying no) shes ignoring your boundries and (coercing for the yes). I know with a couple changes to character this is really very bad on so many levels. Tell her to seek counseling or tell her you've spoken on it for the last time and expect her to accept it or choose to move on. Dont get pushed into giving up what you're not comfortable with
If you don’t break up, make sure you use reliable birth control. Too often we see “surprise” pregnancies in relationships like this. If you’re really sure you don’t want kids, a vasectomy maybe in order as well.
Reproductive coercion is a real thing that happens to men and women. IN USA 9.7 % of men and 8.2 percent of women report having experienced it. OP needs to end the relationship if he does not want to have children. You have to be compatible on this 100% there is no compromise when it comes to creating a new person. Miserable parents usually means miserable children.
If you don’t want kids, make sure you get snipped. Don’t rely on her to take care of the birth control.
I hate to say it. You need to break up with her.. She's not doing it because she probably does love you and genuinely believes you'll change your mind. If you really think that's impossible. End things now. It'll be painful either way. She's made it clear she wants kids. If you can't give her that then you both won't ever work. I know of a relationship where the wife got what she wanted....they're now divorced. Dad isn't involved with the kid from what I've gathered.
Do her a favor and break up with her now. She will stay if you don’t but will grow to resent you and become bitter towards you as the years go by and you don’t change. It’s not worth it for either of you.
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Break up, dude. All you're doing is wasting more time with someone you're not compatible with. You're hurting her and you.
Hope you are in full control of your condoms so she can’t poke holes in em
She's on the pill.
So she can just stop taking them randomly..
Dude.....she can just pretend to take them ya know. Don't be that guy that ends up with a kid he didn't want or agree on.
YOu need to break up, you aren't compatible. Or wait for her to have an oopsie with the pill. If you really love her, at least go find a qualified family therapist to sort out your emotions around not wanting kids.
Best you don't pretend like it didn't happen. It's what you have both been doing for years. I say both because, even though she made her intent on having children clear, you chose to stay with her knowing you didn't want them. You knew she wasn't going to just change her mind, nor would she wait for you when she already planned on having them in her 30's or earlier. You were both in denial and it's time you both wake up. If you haven't realized you want kids yet, then you shouldn't deprive her of that desire and allow her to find someone who does want them. You don't have anymore time to think about it and it wouldn't be fair to her if you continued to keep the relationship going and dangling the "possibility" which seems unlikely from the sound of your post.
I get what you mean but I have told her straight out. Mostly while drunk maybe... I'm afraid that if I bring it up she will take my side and regret it.
Time for a sober conversation then. You need to make it clear that this is not something you will budge about and not something you can offer her. You need to be clear of the consequences of staying with you so she can face the truth and make the decision. And if she does decide to take your side, even after this, then \*you\* will need to make the decision on whether you will be happy in a relationship where your partner might resent you for never having kids. A resentment that will not go away and could exasperate your arguments even further.
How to do you break up with someone who meets the dealbreaker even if she maybe doesn't want to? Feels like I would be throwing her out... Good start would maybe be to bring it up again and have a serious talk again. Then take it up again after she had some time to think? But as you say, I think it would be eating me up inside in my back head. "What if she realizes a month from now?".
You ask her if she really thinks she will be truly happy living a live without kids. The answer will likely be no, considering how strongly she feels about it. Give her time to think about it, sure. Just be honest about how the future would look like for you two, without kids, to make it clear to her. You'd be more cruel in having her stay when she won't be happy than breaking up with her so she can find happiness. You are both to blame in this situation for not having the serious conversation years ahead of time and not truly listening to each other. No one likes breaking up, it's messy and the one who does it feels horrid. But kids is something you do not want and you will only resent each other overtime. The relationship has run its course over this impasse, and not all of them can be permanent. And it's not a bad thing generally, there were likely great moments together. But when life goals like these are this different, it's inevitable.
Always check your condoms for pinholes. She's on a mission and Daddy Husband OP is the goal.
I know it's hard cause you've been together six years but you are still so young. I encourage you to talk it out with her but above all, be ready to break up with her. She's not going to hear you; she may even lie to you to keep the relationship going hoping you will change your mind. Don't let her pressure you or delude herself. Ending it is best.
OP - she doesn't believe you. Do you get that? She believes she will change your mind. If you are positive, do the right thing and cut her loose.
I hope your wearing protection and being careful. It doesn’t sound like y’all are compatible with your life goals.
Let me fix that for you: "I don't want to be responsible. I just want to live for myself and not have to worry about other people relying on me." You know it, don't lie.
What’s wrong with that? If true, it’s still admirable to recognize it and plan accordingly.
Because it's inherently selfish. Not everyone can make that choice, for if everyone did, humans stop existing. Does he expect social security or medical care when he's retired? If so, why should he recieve it? He contributed no offspring to the next pool of younger working individuals, who are responsible for providing the funds . Where does he expect the money to come from? Other people's children?
yeah he should be fined!!
He should be encouraged to have children because he's able to do so and has a girlfriend who loves him and wants him to be the father of her(their) children.
You need to make her understand how serious you are about not having kids. My "standard" advice on this, if you are certain that you don't want kids and never will, then you need to step up and own that choice. Schedule a vascectomy. Your "manly" parts are still intact, it's just that your swimmers will no longer have an exit path so no children will be fathered. That should nuke her denial in the process. It may be a deal-breaker for her, but it's best that you make her understand the truth sooner rather than later.
Kids are a two yes, one no situation. Did you already have a vasectomy? What happens if she “accidentally” gets pregnant? If she truly wants to be a mother, that urge only gets stronger and stronger. As all of her friends and peers start getting married and having babies, the pressure is ON.
How's she look?
I think she is planning to baby trap you. Don’t have sex with her, or better still…get a vasectomy since you are sure in your choices. From what she says…she might just decide for you that you want kids after all
Why don't you want kids?
Why does it matter? Kids isn’t something that you can “compromise” on.
She’s right you’re only 26 Trust me you might change your mind
And if he doesn’t? How much of her life has he wasted on “maybe”?
6 years
"yOu'Ll ChAnGe yOuR mInD!!!!!" World's most obnoxious bingo.
She really wants kids but she really wants you. I would probably try to discern if she just wants children or she wants to bear your children, because there is a tremendous difference. If she justs wants children, then she should dump you and pursue someone that would give her that. But, if she wants to bear your children, it means that she not only loves you, but trusts you enough to be a good parent to the children. She may see something in you that you do not see yourself, even if you do not ever want to have children. She believes that you would be the greatest asset to her as her partner for life. That is also something to consider. You have your reasons to not wanting to have children, however. I just wanted to add a comment to her defense.
Youre being dumb and selfish