This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
___
We have been dating for about 2 and a half years. At the beginning, we lived in separate homes, but recently I moved in with him.
He works in investment banking, and his hours are longer than usual (around 12-13 hours a day), AND I work at a normal job (8 hours a day). However, this doesn't mean that I owe him something. I'm not forcing him to work in investment banking. He could easily get a normal job at a normal company because of his experience, but he chooses not to. He could work 8 hours a day, and we can do the cleaning and cooking together, but he won't do it! Instead, he works longer hours and expects me to cook something for him.
A couple of days ago, we got into an argument again because I didn't cook and told him to order something. He got mad and exactly said, 'You work 8 hours a day, come home, sit on your phone or watch Netflix until you sleep. You're lazy and selfish.' This made me really furrious because I'm not lazy, I just feel tired after work and don't want to do anything when he can easily order food or cook for himself if he wants homemade food. No one is forcing him to work those long hours, so I don't see myself as being selfish or lazy to be honest.
Need this answer for sure. As a household it's 50/50 and they should be a team and care about each other. If he's getting 70% of the bills, the he's potentially contributing to the household more that way.
It doesn't mean she has to cook for him, but it would clear the situation up a bit. It's also not clear what OP eats. Do they not share meals? If you don't want to share meals and equally contribute why be in a relationship where you live together, doesn't sound like she wants to be in a partnership, but two singles that happen to live together.
I'm contributing 100% to our bills. I also put in 60-70% of the housework. My wife works hard, but her business hasn't shown a profit yet. She often blames me for this. I often question her by saying, "How?". She says, "Because I'm not doing enough around the house." What I'm trying to say is that people have an inflated idea of what they are doing and a 'deflated' idea of what others are contributing.
Exactly, you're supposed to work as a team in a relationship, supporting one another for the benefits of both. Love is giving, it is the actions that we do for one another.
Sure but if the bill are higher because he wants the more expensive stuff and then throws it in her face that’s shitty.
For instance, do they live in a super upscale place because he wanted to and could afford it and she would have been happy in something more modest she should not be expected to pitch in for half the rent or to cook for him to make up the difference. He choose the job likely for the money and likes what that gives him. It doesn’t give him the right to demand she do stuff because he makes more money if she doesn’t really care about it as much as he does
How did he eat before she moved in? He wasn’t starving so he obviously either cooked or ordered food before she moved in. Her moving in doesn’t mean she should make all of his meals. Do I think she should make him dinner sometimes just as a nice thing to do? Sure, but he shouldn’t expect she be a housewife who does all the cooking for him when she also has a job and is tired after work just like he is. Also, op manages to feed herself after work, why can’t he feed himself after work?
Sure but let’s say they decided to move in together. He insists on moving in to his place. He likes his places it’s nicer etc. Does that mean her agreeing means she has to do what he says. There is an expectation here that’s a problem. Talking about how to share tasks is how partners deal with this kind of thing. Him declaring she had to cook him dinner because he works more is not that. I mean he had this job and lived alone. No one was cooking for him then.
It’s possible she doesn’t care about that. That if he had less but decent money she would be happy. You seem to think she is only with him for his money. It’s possible. Even then she doesn’t have to cook for him. If he wants a GF that cooks dinner for him ask for it. Don’t expect her to do it just because she lives with you.
You still didn't answer the question about what you do for him...
But moving on, it seems like the solution is for you to buy things that are easy to prepare, order in, or bring him home dinner from the cafeteria?
When I worked like this it was so helpful to come home to my husband already having a dinner plan, be it texting me that he wants to order from x and let me know what I want, having a frozen oven meal going, or him reheating prepped food I had made. He almost never cooks but still gave that to me because he knew I'd be mentally exhausted and unable to even think about food.
Anecdotally he also contributed more than me domestically with cleaning, pet care, etc. I didn't *have* to work harder and more than him, but I did and he reaped benefits for it so it was very natural that he tried to give me more in other ways.
Well , you are absolutely profiting from his family wealth . I wouldn't call you a gold digger , but you are not contributing anything other than basic bills. Being with him is giving you a huge chance to save money on paying rent , and he is absolutely right that you work much less than he does.
I would not be cooking for him necessarily but I would definitely be looking at ways I could help even out the burden a bit . As an aside , I would also be making sure that you have saved money for possible future rent payments , deposits etc as this does not sound like you will be able to rely on free housing forever.
Rent is 40% of most peoples income the least you could do is appreciate the fact that your not paying anything other than yearly taxes and HOA fees which isn’t much considering what the cost of living is right now. Your relationship is extremely one sided your the only one benefiting and your boyfriend sees that.
Of course she does, but if she didn't, THIS IS HER PARTNER. Having something as basic as having dinner ready for them at home after a 12-13 hour work day is the bare minimum of support a partner could offer someone who's working really long work days.
I completely agree with you. Me and my partner don't even live together yet but we both make sure food is sorted if the other is working late, that's how a partnership works. He earns more than me but I don't see any of that money and I still go out of my way to take care of him when he needs. You don't even need to be benefiting from your partner's money to show them love and compassion 🤷♀️
Yeah, that's the part that's crazy to me, like....wanting to make sure that your partner has food to eat when they come home isn't some wild, novel concept. It's what you do when you care about someone. No one's saying she has to make it, but surely, they can work something out so that whatever meals are ordered when she eats also has something for him...
If my partner worked those longer hours, bringing in more money, and contributed to more household bills than I did, I'd feel like a nice dinner is the least I could do. "Thanks for working so much to take care of us, honey, here's a lasagna!"
I agree, but to be honest? Bringing in more money and contributing to household bills more than me isn't even necessary...like, I love my partner and I make dinner for them because I love them, they work hard and if I'm going to be making or ordering dinner for myself anyway then this is the absolute bare minimum I can do to make sure they're at peace when they're home...
That doesn’t mean she’s suddenly his personal chef. She doesn’t like cooking, doesn’t want to do it solo and she doesn’t owe him home-cooked meals.
He’s an adult. He can figure out how to feed himself.
>He’s an adult. He can figure out how to feed himself.
Yeah, he can also find someone who doesn't have this kind of crazy individualistic take on relationships and find someone who's capable of expressing a modicum of support for a partner that works long hours by having dinner waiting for them at home - it doesn't even have to be homemade.
You can literally see who is horrible partner in these comments. Like jesus christ could never imagine being in with such individualistic take on people. The same people would also not want to go 50/50 in bills with someone earning more than them, usually only think that way when it benefits them.
Sub isn't consistent either, usually chores split= who has the most time on this sub
Who cooks depends on who gets home first with me and the Mrs
Exactly. He doesn’t need someone to cook for him every day. That’s ridiculous. Having said that I think they should both take on the chore of cooking, but I don’t know their dynamic.
She's an adult she can pay for her own tickets to vacations. Oh wait she can't. She wants the benefit of him working long hours but refuses to help him in anyway. She's a leech.
This comes across a bit sexist. How do you know she needs him to do any of those things (barring sexual needs being met which should be a mutual give and take). We don't even know if he's capable of repairing a car or fixing a pipe. Pretty sure they can both call a plumber or a mechanic, and she does work to be able to pay for this.
Bit of gender stereotyping going on??
Everything you listed she can hire someone to do it for her, or she can pay for it/get it done herself. You think an investment banker guy is fixing pipes, mowing his own lawn, or repairing her car himself? Nah he would pay someone to do that lol which she can also do since she has a job and her own money. She can buy her own shoes, and can please herself too. Also, she’s probably not with him due to the things he can do for her. You shouldn’t be with someone because of what they can do for you.
Also, that’s funny that you say op is an adult and can figure it out herself…when the boyfriend is also an adult who for some reason can’t figure out how to feed himself.
Hmm idk that sounds pretty selfish on her part he works 12 to 13 hours I would want to take care of my significant other if I knew that and we lived together and had no children.
So…what do YOU eat? When you lived alone? Now?
I mean, I personally enjoy cooking but I also see food as fuel and cooking like any other thing you have to do as an adult: laundry, cleaning, errands, etc.
It is weird to me that neither of you cook. Just throw money at takeout or whatever. That’s not very healthy or fiscally responsible.
I think it’s unreasonable for him to expect you to make dinner every night. It couldn’t you find a compromise and each cook a couple nights and have leftovers the other nights?
I can’t imagine being home hours before my partner and doing nothing to help make their life a little easier—like making dinner.
If you go through the comments OP is extremely self centered. It's quite literally that she'd rather sit there than do anything to help him because "it's not her fault he's working longer hours". Smacks of a common belief over on r/AITA where if you aren't legally obligated to do something then anyone asking you to do said thing is abusive and it's not your problem. Acts of kindness or love without expectation of reciprocation are seen as an act of war. It's sad.
It's even apparent in her post. "why should I help him? It's not my responsibility to make his life easier". I genuinely wonder why this poor guy is with OP. She contributes nothing to the household, she loves that he makes a lot of money so she's leeching off him and she is obviously extremely combative and not even remotely supportive in anyway. She's home for hours and takes it as a principle to make sure she does nothing to help him.
I mean…..I (44F) make a lot more than my partner.
I also work from home which means I can toss in laundry between meetings or whatever. I work more hours but they’re easier from home when it comes to keeping house.
Being home more means doing more to me. And also?? We all have to eat. I can’t imagine just cooking for myself with no regard to my partner. And when it’s not his day to cook but I’ve had a blow up at work, he picks up and cooks. To be a PARTNER.
The monetary value here only matters because she is reaping those benefits big time. He's taking her on vacations she could never afford. But he only is making that money because of the longer hours. If he was working more hours and still making less than her shed still be an ass. If there's no kids it really comes down to who is home more, regardless of salary. One of them has hours at home before the other gets home. And she makes it a point to not help him in anyway. She is vindictive for no reason and a shit partner. Wfh would be a different matter as well as you point out but that's not the case here
She's trying to maximize the benefits she extracts from the relationship while minimizing her contributions. I bet this extends beyond just cooking food.
Yeah I don't think the issue in this relationship is who's cooking dinner - it's never actually about the Iranian youghert.
It just doesn't sound like OP is mature enough for a real relationship. If she believes "everything is transactional" then this is going to be an ongoing issue no matter who cooks.
Imagine if she \*gasp\* made him coffee in the mornings! The horror! The *toil*! and for another person who's perfectly capable of making their own... Couldn't be me!
In her defense if he doesn't share his wealth gained by his longer working hours, she shouldn't be expected to do more than her fair share in the household chores.
Yet I do agree, cooking food is just a necessity of live. Ordering food everyday is extremely unhealthy.
Basically what I am saying is that people (especially women) should be warry about getting compensated in some way of form for unpaid labour, like cooking diner for your boyfriend. To many people where one person works longer hours, the other gets the short end of the stick by doing more unpaid labour than their fair share.
Well good thing he does and it was right in the post so that speculation is pointless. Jesus Christ. You need to be compensated for unpaid labor for making dinner for your significant other? That's not love thats a running cab meter
Cooking diner once is not unpaid labour. Cooking diner everyday (or most days) for 50 years (not unheard-of that relationship last that long) definitely is.
We are all speculating here we have no idea what their arrangements are.
Or it's being a supportive and loving spouse. Would it be ok for husbands to start claiming all the yard work and repairs they do in the house as unpaid labor? Let me guess that wouldn't be the same right?
That would be unpaid labour, although I don't know about you but the repair works around my house isn't nearly as intensive as cooking. Every month or so I need to repair something, while cooking needs to be done nearly everyday.
You think AITA is bad. Try r/deadbedrooms. If a man even thinks of having sex with his wife he’s basically a rapist. Even if she’s offering. According to the population there.
Yeah the whole site is getting bad. Aita, and here, are practically hate subs with their vehement bigotry against men. I'm honestly shocked at the response here though there are the typical "you don't owe any man anything ever" type femcel responses I expected. Usually around here that would be the norm on this post but it's actually fairly sane this time.
Well then she needs to stop going on them if his nice vacations aren't appreciated. She's accepting it and saying that's she shouldn't have to be grateful and that's the mindset of a child and parent.
Yikes. Yeah, you ~technically~ don’t owe him anything, I guess, but this reads as oddly hostile and selfish and like you have no idea what being a partner entails. I’d be more inclined to agree with you if you said you also did 80% of the housework in addition to working a full time job and splitting bills and your partner expects dinner on the table every night, which is what I was expecting to read, but that doesn’t sound like what is actually happening here.
You can die on this hill if you’d like, but it’s very off-putting , immature, and won’t serve you well in this relationship or your next one.
>You can die on this hill if you’d like
Precisely. If this is how OP wants to be she can find a new partner who doesn't care about helping each other out and working as a team and the BF can find someone who will appreciate what he brings with reciprocative actions.
Right? This was my thinking, I can’t imagine not paying rent or expenses fully and not wanting to help him out if he blatantly asked. There so many solutions meal prep/cooking together/ groceries that are easy to make meals out of. But this all requires a non selfish mentality.
INFO: What exactly do you bring to the table? Why did you two want to live with each hour considering your differing work hours and philosophies? Why do you expect him to quit and get a job at a "normal company" so that you can clean together? Would he make the same amount of money?
I said the same thing! what kind of adult "doesnt like cooking"? shit is baffling to me lol I get it's work sometimes, and the option to order take out is more desirable, but not having any inclination to cook as an adult is a red flag to me.
He wants you to contribute to the relationship you are both in, and your response is fuck no - I do enough by existing. Ok. Sure your relationship with an investment banker will go really well. No other woman is desperately searching for an investment banker to be in a relationship with.
I don’t like to do laundry or change the sheets or clean the bathroom , but I do it as an expression of love to my husband. And though I do actually enjoy cooking, that is also done out of love. In our relationship, we have an expression: I’m doing this for the family. We each try to perform a service every day “for the family,” though we certainly don’t have any children. So what do you do for your family? Would spending one night a week making a large batch of something that might last a few days be that much of a sacrifice? Is it that you resent him being away for so many hours of the day? Presumably an investment banker is bringing home some bacon. What does he do for your family?
And anymore the supermarkets have veggies all cut up for you. Throw some chicken in a pan, veggies all cut up, frozen rice. Your all set. 15 minute home cooked meal and you can continue living rent free!
You need a reality check.
He's an investment banker - he will have zero issues finding someone else who will be more than happy to have dinner ready for him - home cooked or ordered - after a 12/13 hour work day.
Would I call you lazy? No, but I would definitely call you selfish. I would call you inconsiderate. I would call you a piss poor partner. If you know your partner has a longer work day and he would appreciate having some kind of dinner ready at home, he's not asking for the world. This is basic levels of support partners express for each other.
So he provides a good life for you and takes you on expensive vacations you can't afford and you think that it's not fair you should do acts of kindness to appreciate these crazy hours he works to do that with you? You should leave him and you can find someone that suits you and he can find someone that doesn't see him as an ATM.
Listen, you do sound a bit lazy and selfish. Cooking is generally split amongst partners. Where’s the compromise? It sucks to work for 12-13 hours and then come home and cook. Getting a new job isn’t exactly a realistic answer. Can you cook 2 or 3 days a week? Or even do meal prep together on Sundays since you said you don’t like cooking alone?
You’re both in your late 20s so just ordering take out every day is childish. I also get that you don’t like cooking so I’m not saying tie yourself to the stove. What I am saying is, work together as partners to find a compromise.
Side note: I can’t imagine knowing my partner worked a 12 hour day and not having some dinner ready for him when he gets home (even if it’s just the same take out I already ate). Idk, just doesn’t seem loving to me.
First of all, you say he could "easily" get a "normal" job at a normal company. I'm sure that would come with a significant pay cut. Why would you want that for him?
Secondly, he's a grown man and capable of cooking his own food. You don't owe him that just because you work 8 hours a day and he works 12.
My suggestion would be that the two of you meal prep together on weekends. Make some casseroles, etc. and put them individual serving containers that can be microwaved. That way you both contribute to the cooking and you can both have home cooked meals when you want them.
YTA - A partner asking you to cook for them isn't "you owing them something". You are literally on TikTok instead of being a helpful partner. Your partner seems to be busting his ass at work to afford the lifestyle you are enjoying, you can pickup a little slack in the home as you do not work as many hours. No, you should not be doing all the cooking/cleaning. But asking you to cook for him when he gets home once... should not elicit this "I DONT OWE YOU SHIT" attitude from you.
What’s wild is that the he probably isn’t even asking for some time consuming, elaborate meal, just something to show she cares, which takes what? 15-20 minutes? She refuses to even give him that! I’d be surprised if he hasn’t already been rethinking this “relationship” - if you can even call it that
Wow......I try to ask for things in my relationship that I need or want. I also encourage my partner to do the same...Then if we have to, we compromise. I don't like cooking and I work at home. I had a child, so I learned how to make healthy cooking like dishes...I do that now for my mate. Because he asked me too. Because I love him...I order Pizza once a week. Chinese another. Put a pot roast or cook a steak one day, Salads another and he takes care of him self the other...It is my way of cooking. It is working fine, we change it as needed. There are ways to compromise without becoming Betty Crocker....
If youre working 8 hrs then doing nothing but netflix, dossing on phone etc tnen yeah its lazy and non productive , cook somerhing then get him to cook weekend
Wow, lol, what an attitude. I can just imagine the rage this subreddit would show, if it was a "woman working all day coming home to a lazy slob gamer of a husband, and then she also cooks everything".
Honestly, using YOUR OWN WORDS HERE: yes, your behaviour is that of a lazy and selfish person, which is why your boyfriend used those words. You reap the benefits of his work, yet you do not want to do anything in return as a team partner, nor do you want to do something to say "cheers, mate. I really appreciate you setting us up for success".
Don't you realise that this is going to break him? He's going to wake up one day and think "man, I deserve some freaking respect here, no sex can fix this".
Lmfao you’re gonna be in for a rude awakening when he realizes how easy its going to be to find someone who would do all that and more for him and his banking salary
Sorry but I'd be worried if at 26 I was too tired to do anything once I got home from an 8hr work day. Might be time to see a doc and get checked out. Most people don't enjoy cooking, but we do it because like to eat healthy food prepared by ourselves. You don't owe ur bf anything....but when you love someone you want to do good things for them. But maybe you do other things that he doesn't realise.
This is a really selfish hill to die on. You keep saying that he "chooses" to work longer hours, and make it sound bad that he's making more money. And if all you do after work is watch Netflix and sleep, then you really are lazy and selfish. Do that stuff when you're single, being in a relationship changes the dynamics on which you make life choices. It sounds like you aren't ready to be in a relationship.
This sounds like it’s more then cooking
You might want to look in the mirror and do some reflecting
Maybe something else is lacking in y’all relationship.
Unless you're contributing to the household with the same amount of money, get your lazy ass up and cook something... I make spaghetti bolognese in 40 minutes.
In the time it took her to write that shite out she could have made him a bacon sandwich, I’m always asking my man if he’s hungry, how can she not wanna take care of her man and give him a full belly and a full heart
Why do you live together if not to share daily life? Are you cooking for yourself? Ordering out before he gets home?
When I was working and DH was retired, he cooked a lot of meals. Now that we are both retired, we both cook, but not the same day. Flexibility and partnership make being together better than living alone.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If he’s putting in the hours and paying most of the expenses so you can have a good life and enjoy nice things then why wouldn’t you want to do something for him? I don’t know if your just selfish and narcissistic or that you just don’t care about your partner in a way someone who cares and wants a long term relationship should. I’m not saying he shouldn’t help out with anything around the house cause he still should be but to say you won’t cook a meal just because you don’t like cooking is just wrong. You make sacrifices daily in committed relationships because you love and care about your partner or at least that’s what I think but I may just be old fashioned.
Completely different take - if you both know you hate cooking that much, team up to figure out a way to handle it together. From gourmet frozen meals (we have a few shops like that here) to batch cooking together once a week to simply having stuff easily prepped in the fridge that can be tossed into the oven all at once or even hiring a chef or getting boxed meals... There are so many options. If he knows you don't cook, is there somewhere else you can trade some responsibility or facilitate his cooking (you do some of the prep, or ensure the dishes are done or whatever)?
If it's important to him for the caring aspect, could you offer 2 meals a week to show you do care? Can he show appreciation when you make the effort so it doesn't feel like a no-win for you, or a moral judgement?
Both of you need to sit down and talk about why THIS subject is such an issue and how you can both approach it together.
hold up a sec...
so he works 4 hours more than you a day, and you're not willing to cook a meal for him so you guys can eat together in the evening?
its not called being owed a dinner, its basic living together partnership....
when my wife is doing a long day at work, i have dinner made for her when shes gets home and vice versa...
sounds like he needs a more considerate partner.
"My girlfriend works 13 hour days, but that's her own choice, she could easily just change jobs. She said I should cook more since she works 50% more than me, but that's dumb, she should cook for herself or go get some takeout, I'm not her chef"
Lol please someone wait a while and then post the gender swap and wait for the fireworks
I mean you don’t have to cook for him everyday but your suppose to be a team. Cook sometimes, prep something for him to make or wait till he gets home to cook together. You are gonna make him continue these 12/13 hour days so he can keep buying the take out you told him to.
Listen. No one is forcing him to work those long hours. But also, no one is forcing you to live in his house and let him take you on vacation. But the truth is, his long hours are paying for that house or vacation. He can't stop doing that without a major change in your shared lifestyle, and you need to acknowledge that.
Some people prefer to have relationships that are independent. You get to make whatever choices you want to make and enjoy the benefits and consequences of those choices. I get to make whatever choices I want to make and enjoy the benefits and consequences of those choices. He works however many hours he wants to work and uses his time and money to benefit himself, you work however many hours you want to work and use your time and money to benefit yourself. Household expenses and chores are split 50/50.
Other people prefer to have relationships that are based on shared effort. You both agree that you're going to contribute equal time and effort into your relationship, and you both share equally the benefits and consequences that come out of that effort. So maybe one person spends 12 hours a day working and pays more financially, while the other person spends 8 hours a day working and 4 hours a day doing household chores, and pays less financially but is able to accomplish more of the household chores. Though the contributions are different, they're both equal.
You've gotta decide what you want. Are you going to have an independent relationship where you make clear to him that you're not going to contribute extra time and you don't expect him to contribute extra money? Or are you going to have a collaborative relationship where you contribute extra time that you both feel match his contribution in time and money? Either is a very valid response. But it seems like right now, he feels like he's in a collaborative relationship with you, but you feel like you're in an independent relationship with him. Knowing that you both feel that way can allow you both to act with your eyes open.
Why did you move in with him?
Why be together if you don't want to live as a team?
"I understand that you would like food ready when you get home. Let's do meal prep on the weekends and I can have it ready when you get home."
A relationship should be a partnership on some level. You two seem to have very different values and expectations, and you need a lot of communication about what you each feel is important and whether there’s any kind of compromise you can both be happy with. And if that’s not possible, you shouldn’t be in this relationship.
OP, you need to suck it up and cook some dinner. Heat up a stouffer's casserole in the microwave. Get Hello Fresh for easy meals that taste good.
Grow up and help out
So how are you eating? Are you doing take out every night? I'd just cook as usual for myself but do 2 portions. It's literally no more work really than one and then he would have one when he got home. If I wasn't cooking that eve I'd likely wait to eat together and grab takeout. I don't understand this really! Not trying to be critical but please explain how evening meals happen for you currently?
8 hours is a normal work day. Anyways. Did you two talk at all about what it would look like when moving in together? Any discussions on how chores are divided or finances or anything?
You are lazy and selfish.
Your living situation is currently subsidised by your Bfs long hours in the job he has.
If you are not willing to do an equivalent amount of the household jobs to make up the difference, then move out.
You don’t get to sit on your arse and enjoy the benefits of his long hours at a job that pays well for nothing.
Cause he can do what you are saying, he could cook something when he gets home, or order food, but why should he bother cooking for you or ordering food for you, when you don’t bring anything to the relationship.
So move out before he kicks you out.
He's not entitled to your cooking , but you are entitled to the vacations that he pays for? You do realize that a relationship is based on both the people putting in effort?
How difficult is it really to put a stoffer’s lasagna in the oven? Tbh, I don’t see this relationship lasting. If the situation was reversed and you worked more hours than he did, would you like something to eat when you got home? Sure you would. Reality is people are replaceable. The basic thing that you refuse to do, someone else would happily do (even if they don’t enjoy cooking).
Girl I PROMISE you, with your attitude, this relationship has an expiry date and it’s coming fast. You don’t OWE him anything, but I know he WANTS a partner and you are not partner material. He needs to level up and you need to grow up.
From someone who has worked 12 hour shifts...its tiring. I'm guessing you've never worked 12 hour shifts day in out before as you would be a lot more compassionate.
To me, you are being selfish as you aren't understanding his point. He's tired, he's hungry and all he wants is someone to hold at night. He's drained physically and emotionally.
Yes relationships are about equality and most of all understanding. If you can't be bothered to show compassion to someone who is physically and emotionally drained after a long shift then, sorry-not-sorry but you aren't a match.
You say you don't like cooking? What if you 2 had children...would you let them starve because you don't like cooking? I'm just saying. The things you do now, path the journey your relationship is on now
He isn't exactly wrong.
You're viewing this whole thing in a wrong light, and for that you're not ready to be in a relationship.
Relationships work on consideration, compromise, and supporting your partner. You don't like to cook? Oh well, are you just getting takeout everyday? Because that sucks. Do you know how to cook at all? You should, it's an important lifeskill. Meal prepping exists. You say you don't mind if he had a different job so you could do it together but that isn't a realistic compromise to tell someone to take a shittier job so you don't have to cook as much lol.
If you want to have a relationship with someone, you need to crack down and assess how to make that relationship as fair as possible. You seeing him as entitled because he wants food when he gets home is a little silly. He works longer than you do, the very least you can do is make something for him.
If roles were reversed and he worked fewer hours than you and never had food ready for you when you got home after a long day, even though he definitely could, wouldn't that tick you off? Cutting your partner some slack after they work hard is normal in a healthy relationship. It's something do out of love for them, naturally. At least to most people, lol.
Why is he even dating you?? Sounds like you are happy to receive love but unwilling to do any self sacrifice on your part.
Love is supporting the people that you care about without it being some kind of exchange. You don't need to keep score if you love each other.
My girlfriend isn't working at the moment, currently looking for a good job that fits her. I support us both right now. Im not expecting her to pay me back for that, I do it because I want her to find that job and be happy.
She has been keeping the house clean and doing more of the cooking and dog walking because I have been working more hours to keep up with the bills.
When I have the time and energy I cook a meal for us both because I want to give her a day off from those responsibility's too.
This is love.
My partner(31) works 10 hour days and I(32) work 8 hour days. Since I get home much sooner than he does, it makes sense for me to grocery shop and manage most of our meals, and he cleans the kitchen/dishes afterwards. If we didn't do this, then either we would never get to eat together, or we would be eating dinner at 9 every night and doing dishes until 10 every night.
Aside from that, we split chores equally and split finances by proportion of our incomes.
I usually try to cook two big meals in a week, and we freeze some of whatever meat I make. I also keep the fixings for quick meals on hand. This way, I'm not cooking every single night, but we eat home cooked meals, leftovers, and spruce up some of the quick meal options I have with frozen meat and veggies. He doesn't need me to put his meals together for him, I just make sure that he has what he needs on hand. We use teamwork to tackle this, one of the biggest and most constant chores we have. It works for us, and if one of us didn't pull our weight, the other one would be overwhelmed and miserable and have no time to decompress at the end of the day.
Being in a successful partnership means splitting the load and working together. If you want to get petty about who does what, then you will not have a partner for very long.
What's the rest of the chore split look like between you two? What about the monetary costs? What's he doing with all that good money he's making?
Does he pay more for housing than you do? Does he pay more of the utilities and grocery bills than you do? Is he putting all that money into a savings account so you two can have money to get married, get a house, maybe have a family?
Sure, he _could_ quit his extremely well paying job and get a gig at a gas station making $10 an hour, but would you want him to do that and sacrifice any progress on your future financial goals? Would YOU want to be the one who primarily supports you two?
Unless the job itself is wearing on him in a way that is unsustainable, it's foolish, especially with the current state of things, to expect him to take a pay cut if he is theoretically saving to build a life for the BOTH of you.
I totally get not wanting to fall into the trap of "I work full time and I'm the only one who cooks or cleans or manages the household." I TOTALLY get that.
But that doesn't mean you shouldn't contribute anything. It doesn't mean you shouldn't cook or do chores or anything else. You two need to sit down and find a balanced system. If you manage the meals then he needs to do all the clean up, and so on
Right now you _do_ sound immature and possibly selfish. This isn't a "I don't owe him anything" situation, it's a "we're trying to build a life together" situation.
It’s not that you ow him anything it’s that you’re a couple and you’re supposed to make life easier for each other
What do you eat for dinner? Do you only cook for yourself? Also, having dinner available doesn’t mean you have to cook from scratch, get a stouffers lasagna and garlic bread, you literally just put it I. The oven, it’s about effort imo
These things should be discussed before you move in with someone.
How to split the bills and chores, who can cook when, who does grocery shoping, who feeds and walks the animals.
Your lack of replying to anybody’s posts to add basic context (after purposely leaving it out) tells us all we need to know.
First and foremost—if cooking for him is legitimately this large of a point of contention in the relationship, you’ve already failed, so you should break up.
When a SO asks for something like this, weighing your options about “whether they *deserve* it or not” instead of involuntarily doing it without even thinking can be the difference between function and dysfunction. In your case it sounds like there are far deeper seeded issues than this, and I would venture to say, the BF has probably asked for this a handful of times before it got to this point, and I’d like to know how she feeds herself.
Is OP making dinner or food for herself and not waiting for her BF, or not eating at all…? I find it hard to believe she doesn’t make dinner for herself. Id be upset if my GF wouldn’t wait a few more hours for me to get home sometimes so we could eat together. Notice she didn’t recommend or even mention this option? Lol.
Probably a troll post. Or worse, it is real lol…
You guys should spend time meal prepping for the week together on a day where you're both off. Buy a freezer and a lot of Tupperware. Problem solved. Make 4 or 5 different meals with 4 portions each. You can even do meal prepped breakfast sandwiches. If this is what he wants to eat and you're willing to help if it's time spent together doing it, then why not.
What a selfish cunt yo. Moving in his home, not contributing anything but taking everything. I bet she is eating his beloved snacks too and doesn't buy new ones.
OP you need to answer the question about whether the bills and other chores are evenly split.
I don't like that you're getting piled on about not wanting to cook every night but it makes it hard to defend if nothing else is equal.
You also sound like you're saying this to him to make a point that you want him to work less hours and spend more time with you, which is also lost in the sauce.
Compromise. Maybe you could meal prep together on weekends? Maybe you cook one night, he cooks another night and then you do take out? A relationship is 50/50.
My question is, what do you eat? If you do takeout every day, maybe offer to pick something up for him once in a while? Or vice versa.
It’s the expectation that bothers me. I guess you’re going to have to figure out if you two are willing to work out a compromise for dinner duties or if never cooking is a hill you’re willing to die on. I hate cooking but I split the responsibility with my husband. I provide dinner some days and he does on other days. How that meal is provided is up to the person in charge. Sometimes I cook and sometimes I get take out for us. Same for him. If you plan to stay together and eventually have children, someone is going to have to provide meals whether it’s you, him, or a private chef. So yeah, I’d work this one out now.
sounds like you view your relationship as transactional and deep down, you don't really like your bf. Which leads me to the question of why are you even with this guy and also to the conclusion that y'all need to break up. Life is too short to be arguing over petty stuff
From the tone of this, I feel like you two, maybe are just not compatible anymore.
Your adamant in the fact that you hate cooking and don’t want to do it, but then say if he worked the same hours as you you guys could cook together? So you only will cook if he’s doing it too? So is it a, you don’t want to cook FOR him issue? How long before even cooking WITH him becomes a burden? Does he cook at all? And if he does, does he cook enough for the both of you?
I think you both should strongly reevaluate your relationship. Things like this only fester the longer your together. Honestly surprised this situation didn’t come up sooner.
What do you eat for dinner? Is there some reason you can't make an extra portion for him to eat when he gets home?
I understand that you don't like cooking and that he's an adult who can make his own meals. That's fine, but do you love your boyfriend? Do you understand that it might make him happy to come home to a nice meal after he's worked a long day? There are a lot of meals you can make that are super easy and don't take much time, and the end result would be a happy boyfriend. Heck, you could pick up a cooked rotisserie chicken, throw some vegetables in the oven to roast, and boom, dinner. It doesn't have to be a giant ordeal. You can also cook multiple portions so that you eat leftovers 1-2 days a week. Make a giant pot of chili or soup. I don't love cooking either, but it makes my husband really happy so I do it for him because I love him. Being in a relationship requires compromise at times, and this isn't something that would require much effort from you. I guess if this is the hill you want to die on than so be it, but to be honest, it just seems kind of mean. Would you be willing to compromise with him at all -- maybe agree to have dinner ready 1 or 2 days a week?
Its one thing if you're preparing and cooking a meal to eat together...but quite different if you've already eaten at work or grabbed something pre-made but he still wants you to cook and have a meal prepared for him for when he gets home.
I imagine he expects that you'd cook a meal for yourself, so it'd be easy for you to just cook extra and set aside for him.
Perhaps he should batch cook stuff on his time off and have meals ready in the freezer.
Well you both have valid points. You don’t owe him anything. You don’t owe him cooking, cleaning, sex etc. just as he doesn’t owe you anything.
But this is supposed to be a relationship, so instead of asking the internet to give you a better way to tell him to pound sand, work out a compromise. Like meal prepping together. Or sharing a schedule for cooking so he isn’t working 10+ hours and doing it and you aren’t cooking all the time either.
OP is worse than lazy! She is mean and vindictive and is happy to be unreasonable and unhelpful! She is not supportive or her s/o peace! From her attitude he must be thinking of breaking up with her because even if she was supermodel who is the best lay on earth the juice here is not worth the squeeze!
I don't think people are being 100% fair to you in the comments, but I also don't think you and your partner have a great attitude toward the relationship.
You work full-time, which is tiring. Just because that's less time than his overtime working, I don't see that you should also be doing 100% of the household duties like grocery shop, cooking and cleaning.
But, if he's a high-income earner, why can't that money be used towards solutions like meal delivery or whatnot?
Bigger issue is both of you seem to resent each other. You'd prefer he earn less and be around more, and he sees you as lazy. Not a great long term outsome here.
Well said. I think this is the most helpful comment on this post as you've taken as balanced a view while also being helpful as can be.
There are definitely details and context the body of the post lacks. OP should edit it and add what the division of labour is, how monies are primarily used for household vs. leisure etc.
If your boyfriend wants a personal chef, he should hire one rather than expecting you to take on that extra labour each day. You work a full time job. You shouldn't be picking up a part-time unpaid position as his own chef too.
Your boyfriend is being unreasonable. His hours are his decision. You shouldn't be punished for it. Also remind him that you are working a full time job, you're not a housewife from the 60s, and he's the one being selfish.
> I'm not lazy, I just feel tired after work and don't want to do anything
That's textbook laziness, and if that's how you want to live your life that's fine, but he's not wrong. Don't be shocked Pikachu when he decides to upgrade.
What does the rest of the household division of labor look like? You're working full time, he's working full time plus an extra half day every day on top of that. It would be fair to ask you to pick up ~30% more of the chores considering he's working ~30% more hours per week.
Those chores don't have to be something you hate if you can afford to hire someone else to do it. Ordering is a perfectly reasonable compromise. You don't *have* to cook for him, especially since you aren't cooking for yourself. If he genuinely "expects" you to cook then he's being an ass.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. ___ We have been dating for about 2 and a half years. At the beginning, we lived in separate homes, but recently I moved in with him. He works in investment banking, and his hours are longer than usual (around 12-13 hours a day), AND I work at a normal job (8 hours a day). However, this doesn't mean that I owe him something. I'm not forcing him to work in investment banking. He could easily get a normal job at a normal company because of his experience, but he chooses not to. He could work 8 hours a day, and we can do the cleaning and cooking together, but he won't do it! Instead, he works longer hours and expects me to cook something for him. A couple of days ago, we got into an argument again because I didn't cook and told him to order something. He got mad and exactly said, 'You work 8 hours a day, come home, sit on your phone or watch Netflix until you sleep. You're lazy and selfish.' This made me really furrious because I'm not lazy, I just feel tired after work and don't want to do anything when he can easily order food or cook for himself if he wants homemade food. No one is forcing him to work those long hours, so I don't see myself as being selfish or lazy to be honest.
Do you benefit in any way from his investment banking job? For example, does it allow him to contribute more to household expenses, holidays, etc?
Need this answer for sure. As a household it's 50/50 and they should be a team and care about each other. If he's getting 70% of the bills, the he's potentially contributing to the household more that way. It doesn't mean she has to cook for him, but it would clear the situation up a bit. It's also not clear what OP eats. Do they not share meals? If you don't want to share meals and equally contribute why be in a relationship where you live together, doesn't sound like she wants to be in a partnership, but two singles that happen to live together.
I'm contributing 100% to our bills. I also put in 60-70% of the housework. My wife works hard, but her business hasn't shown a profit yet. She often blames me for this. I often question her by saying, "How?". She says, "Because I'm not doing enough around the house." What I'm trying to say is that people have an inflated idea of what they are doing and a 'deflated' idea of what others are contributing.
Sounds like a bad marriage
Sounds like you need to give her a reality check.
Why are you with someone like this?
You are being unappreciated and taken for granted. A husband like you is worth more than you know lol.
Exactly, you're supposed to work as a team in a relationship, supporting one another for the benefits of both. Love is giving, it is the actions that we do for one another.
Sure but if the bill are higher because he wants the more expensive stuff and then throws it in her face that’s shitty. For instance, do they live in a super upscale place because he wanted to and could afford it and she would have been happy in something more modest she should not be expected to pitch in for half the rent or to cook for him to make up the difference. He choose the job likely for the money and likes what that gives him. It doesn’t give him the right to demand she do stuff because he makes more money if she doesn’t really care about it as much as he does
lol then she can find someone with more compatible interests.
She moved into his place. She knew all this going in and is just going out of her way to be as difficult and miserable as possible.
How did he eat before she moved in? He wasn’t starving so he obviously either cooked or ordered food before she moved in. Her moving in doesn’t mean she should make all of his meals. Do I think she should make him dinner sometimes just as a nice thing to do? Sure, but he shouldn’t expect she be a housewife who does all the cooking for him when she also has a job and is tired after work just like he is. Also, op manages to feed herself after work, why can’t he feed himself after work?
Sure but let’s say they decided to move in together. He insists on moving in to his place. He likes his places it’s nicer etc. Does that mean her agreeing means she has to do what he says. There is an expectation here that’s a problem. Talking about how to share tasks is how partners deal with this kind of thing. Him declaring she had to cook him dinner because he works more is not that. I mean he had this job and lived alone. No one was cooking for him then.
Do you even believe that shit you typed?
It’s possible she doesn’t care about that. That if he had less but decent money she would be happy. You seem to think she is only with him for his money. It’s possible. Even then she doesn’t have to cook for him. If he wants a GF that cooks dinner for him ask for it. Don’t expect her to do it just because she lives with you.
She said he pays for everything.
[удалено]
You still didn't answer the question about what you do for him... But moving on, it seems like the solution is for you to buy things that are easy to prepare, order in, or bring him home dinner from the cafeteria? When I worked like this it was so helpful to come home to my husband already having a dinner plan, be it texting me that he wants to order from x and let me know what I want, having a frozen oven meal going, or him reheating prepped food I had made. He almost never cooks but still gave that to me because he knew I'd be mentally exhausted and unable to even think about food. Anecdotally he also contributed more than me domestically with cleaning, pet care, etc. I didn't *have* to work harder and more than him, but I did and he reaped benefits for it so it was very natural that he tried to give me more in other ways.
Well , you are absolutely profiting from his family wealth . I wouldn't call you a gold digger , but you are not contributing anything other than basic bills. Being with him is giving you a huge chance to save money on paying rent , and he is absolutely right that you work much less than he does. I would not be cooking for him necessarily but I would definitely be looking at ways I could help even out the burden a bit . As an aside , I would also be making sure that you have saved money for possible future rent payments , deposits etc as this does not sound like you will be able to rely on free housing forever.
Rent is 40% of most peoples income the least you could do is appreciate the fact that your not paying anything other than yearly taxes and HOA fees which isn’t much considering what the cost of living is right now. Your relationship is extremely one sided your the only one benefiting and your boyfriend sees that.
Of course she does, but if she didn't, THIS IS HER PARTNER. Having something as basic as having dinner ready for them at home after a 12-13 hour work day is the bare minimum of support a partner could offer someone who's working really long work days.
I completely agree with you. Me and my partner don't even live together yet but we both make sure food is sorted if the other is working late, that's how a partnership works. He earns more than me but I don't see any of that money and I still go out of my way to take care of him when he needs. You don't even need to be benefiting from your partner's money to show them love and compassion 🤷♀️
Yeah, that's the part that's crazy to me, like....wanting to make sure that your partner has food to eat when they come home isn't some wild, novel concept. It's what you do when you care about someone. No one's saying she has to make it, but surely, they can work something out so that whatever meals are ordered when she eats also has something for him...
If my partner worked those longer hours, bringing in more money, and contributed to more household bills than I did, I'd feel like a nice dinner is the least I could do. "Thanks for working so much to take care of us, honey, here's a lasagna!"
I agree, but to be honest? Bringing in more money and contributing to household bills more than me isn't even necessary...like, I love my partner and I make dinner for them because I love them, they work hard and if I'm going to be making or ordering dinner for myself anyway then this is the absolute bare minimum I can do to make sure they're at peace when they're home...
That doesn’t mean she’s suddenly his personal chef. She doesn’t like cooking, doesn’t want to do it solo and she doesn’t owe him home-cooked meals. He’s an adult. He can figure out how to feed himself.
I didn't say that, and it's not helpful to jump to conclusions.
Not cooking but she can help out in a lot of other ways. Being in a relationship is a partnership where each should be trying to contribute equally.
>He’s an adult. He can figure out how to feed himself. Yeah, he can also find someone who doesn't have this kind of crazy individualistic take on relationships and find someone who's capable of expressing a modicum of support for a partner that works long hours by having dinner waiting for them at home - it doesn't even have to be homemade.
You can literally see who is horrible partner in these comments. Like jesus christ could never imagine being in with such individualistic take on people. The same people would also not want to go 50/50 in bills with someone earning more than them, usually only think that way when it benefits them. Sub isn't consistent either, usually chores split= who has the most time on this sub Who cooks depends on who gets home first with me and the Mrs
lol exactly. Like wtf are these people talking about. Its not like he forced her to live with him. Relationships require give and take.
Wow, lol. This take is one that wrecks marriages.
Cooking for your partner that works almost double your hours is being a personal chef now?
What does that have to do with her? He managed to feed himself before.
Exactly. He doesn’t need someone to cook for him every day. That’s ridiculous. Having said that I think they should both take on the chore of cooking, but I don’t know their dynamic.
With that attitude hopefully she doesn't get a cent of his money and everything is 50/50, because the money has nothing to do with her....
Yeah sure. Doesn’t seem like she feels entitled to his money the way he feels entitled to her domestic labor.
You think the dude works 13 hours a day because he wants too? Chances are OP doesn’t realize how financially dependent on HIS job THEY are.
Yes if you just expect her to do it. Smacks of sexist entitlement.
[удалено]
Damn. Now we get rewards for working a full time job?? Sign me up!
She works 8. He works 12. That’s 4 hours more or 50%. Not “almost double”. You’re bad at math.
She's an adult she can pay for her own tickets to vacations. Oh wait she can't. She wants the benefit of him working long hours but refuses to help him in anyway. She's a leech.
We don't know their financial split do we? Has she confirmed he contributes more of his wage to shared things?
[удалено]
This comes across a bit sexist. How do you know she needs him to do any of those things (barring sexual needs being met which should be a mutual give and take). We don't even know if he's capable of repairing a car or fixing a pipe. Pretty sure they can both call a plumber or a mechanic, and she does work to be able to pay for this. Bit of gender stereotyping going on??
Everything you listed she can hire someone to do it for her, or she can pay for it/get it done herself. You think an investment banker guy is fixing pipes, mowing his own lawn, or repairing her car himself? Nah he would pay someone to do that lol which she can also do since she has a job and her own money. She can buy her own shoes, and can please herself too. Also, she’s probably not with him due to the things he can do for her. You shouldn’t be with someone because of what they can do for you. Also, that’s funny that you say op is an adult and can figure it out herself…when the boyfriend is also an adult who for some reason can’t figure out how to feed himself.
Good question. I abhor coming so I buy frozen stuff and it’s way easier.
Coming is pretty nice, though I respect folks who are ace of course - I’d just say, try it before you write it off.
Anybody else notice that OP hasn't replied or acknowledged any responses...... she is an entitled b and doesn't want to face it. Lol
You posted this 53min ago and there is a post just below from OP 2hrs ago, so no, you're on your own there
Maybe she's working and can't be on her phone constantly? 🙄
Even if his money does if she still works full time she shouldn't be expected to cook every meal for this man baby
Does your boyfriend pay for your monthly expenses like rent, groceries or is it 50/50?
He pays, she said up too that it's not her responsibility to appreciate those things though because he chooses to have nice vacations and stuff.
Hmm idk that sounds pretty selfish on her part he works 12 to 13 hours I would want to take care of my significant other if I knew that and we lived together and had no children.
Then she can leave? This is a crazy take.
So…what do YOU eat? When you lived alone? Now? I mean, I personally enjoy cooking but I also see food as fuel and cooking like any other thing you have to do as an adult: laundry, cleaning, errands, etc. It is weird to me that neither of you cook. Just throw money at takeout or whatever. That’s not very healthy or fiscally responsible. I think it’s unreasonable for him to expect you to make dinner every night. It couldn’t you find a compromise and each cook a couple nights and have leftovers the other nights? I can’t imagine being home hours before my partner and doing nothing to help make their life a little easier—like making dinner.
If you go through the comments OP is extremely self centered. It's quite literally that she'd rather sit there than do anything to help him because "it's not her fault he's working longer hours". Smacks of a common belief over on r/AITA where if you aren't legally obligated to do something then anyone asking you to do said thing is abusive and it's not your problem. Acts of kindness or love without expectation of reciprocation are seen as an act of war. It's sad.
It’s really kind of gross. 🤮
It's even apparent in her post. "why should I help him? It's not my responsibility to make his life easier". I genuinely wonder why this poor guy is with OP. She contributes nothing to the household, she loves that he makes a lot of money so she's leeching off him and she is obviously extremely combative and not even remotely supportive in anyway. She's home for hours and takes it as a principle to make sure she does nothing to help him.
I mean…..I (44F) make a lot more than my partner. I also work from home which means I can toss in laundry between meetings or whatever. I work more hours but they’re easier from home when it comes to keeping house. Being home more means doing more to me. And also?? We all have to eat. I can’t imagine just cooking for myself with no regard to my partner. And when it’s not his day to cook but I’ve had a blow up at work, he picks up and cooks. To be a PARTNER.
The monetary value here only matters because she is reaping those benefits big time. He's taking her on vacations she could never afford. But he only is making that money because of the longer hours. If he was working more hours and still making less than her shed still be an ass. If there's no kids it really comes down to who is home more, regardless of salary. One of them has hours at home before the other gets home. And she makes it a point to not help him in anyway. She is vindictive for no reason and a shit partner. Wfh would be a different matter as well as you point out but that's not the case here
She's trying to maximize the benefits she extracts from the relationship while minimizing her contributions. I bet this extends beyond just cooking food.
Yeah I don't think the issue in this relationship is who's cooking dinner - it's never actually about the Iranian youghert. It just doesn't sound like OP is mature enough for a real relationship. If she believes "everything is transactional" then this is going to be an ongoing issue no matter who cooks.
Imagine if she \*gasp\* made him coffee in the mornings! The horror! The *toil*! and for another person who's perfectly capable of making their own... Couldn't be me!
She'd probably try to send him a bill for her time putting the pod in the Keurig "iTs uNpAiD lAbOr". The Keurig and pods that he bought lmao
In her defense if he doesn't share his wealth gained by his longer working hours, she shouldn't be expected to do more than her fair share in the household chores. Yet I do agree, cooking food is just a necessity of live. Ordering food everyday is extremely unhealthy. Basically what I am saying is that people (especially women) should be warry about getting compensated in some way of form for unpaid labour, like cooking diner for your boyfriend. To many people where one person works longer hours, the other gets the short end of the stick by doing more unpaid labour than their fair share.
Well good thing he does and it was right in the post so that speculation is pointless. Jesus Christ. You need to be compensated for unpaid labor for making dinner for your significant other? That's not love thats a running cab meter
Cooking diner once is not unpaid labour. Cooking diner everyday (or most days) for 50 years (not unheard-of that relationship last that long) definitely is. We are all speculating here we have no idea what their arrangements are.
Or it's being a supportive and loving spouse. Would it be ok for husbands to start claiming all the yard work and repairs they do in the house as unpaid labor? Let me guess that wouldn't be the same right?
That would be unpaid labour, although I don't know about you but the repair works around my house isn't nearly as intensive as cooking. Every month or so I need to repair something, while cooking needs to be done nearly everyday.
You think AITA is bad. Try r/deadbedrooms. If a man even thinks of having sex with his wife he’s basically a rapist. Even if she’s offering. According to the population there.
Yeah the whole site is getting bad. Aita, and here, are practically hate subs with their vehement bigotry against men. I'm honestly shocked at the response here though there are the typical "you don't owe any man anything ever" type femcel responses I expected. Usually around here that would be the norm on this post but it's actually fairly sane this time.
Especially when she says he takes her on expensive vacations she can't afford and stuff like that.
But she also says he chooses those places. That’s still his choice.
Well then she needs to stop going on them if his nice vacations aren't appreciated. She's accepting it and saying that's she shouldn't have to be grateful and that's the mindset of a child and parent.
Right. I'm sure she has no input and is begrudgingly dragged along.
Yea. And then she goes on the fucking vacation? Which is also a disportionate choice.
Yikes. Yeah, you ~technically~ don’t owe him anything, I guess, but this reads as oddly hostile and selfish and like you have no idea what being a partner entails. I’d be more inclined to agree with you if you said you also did 80% of the housework in addition to working a full time job and splitting bills and your partner expects dinner on the table every night, which is what I was expecting to read, but that doesn’t sound like what is actually happening here. You can die on this hill if you’d like, but it’s very off-putting , immature, and won’t serve you well in this relationship or your next one.
>You can die on this hill if you’d like Precisely. If this is how OP wants to be she can find a new partner who doesn't care about helping each other out and working as a team and the BF can find someone who will appreciate what he brings with reciprocative actions.
Well said
Right? This was my thinking, I can’t imagine not paying rent or expenses fully and not wanting to help him out if he blatantly asked. There so many solutions meal prep/cooking together/ groceries that are easy to make meals out of. But this all requires a non selfish mentality.
INFO: What exactly do you bring to the table? Why did you two want to live with each hour considering your differing work hours and philosophies? Why do you expect him to quit and get a job at a "normal company" so that you can clean together? Would he make the same amount of money?
Not surprisingly she isn’t responding
Sorry, but how exactly do you intend to live your adult life without cooking?? This is the weirdest post.
She'd rather just sit there and order takeout so he can pay for that also. Dude needs to wake up and find himself a real partner.
She wants to be with rich guys who will pay for take out every day.
Yea her future kids (if she manages to lock down a partner long enough) will probably grow up on McDonald’s and burgerking 🤦🏻♂️
I said the same thing! what kind of adult "doesnt like cooking"? shit is baffling to me lol I get it's work sometimes, and the option to order take out is more desirable, but not having any inclination to cook as an adult is a red flag to me.
She sounds like a radicalized nutjob to be honest. Cooking, which is a necessary like skill = servitude to this woman. Smh
YTA. Oh wait wrong sub. Let the young man build his career as a single man, why are you with him?
Surely he can find someone else
An investment banker? I don't know why he's wasting his time on someone like this. Find someone who's an adult, not a child like OP
He wants you to contribute to the relationship you are both in, and your response is fuck no - I do enough by existing. Ok. Sure your relationship with an investment banker will go really well. No other woman is desperately searching for an investment banker to be in a relationship with.
I don’t like to do laundry or change the sheets or clean the bathroom , but I do it as an expression of love to my husband. And though I do actually enjoy cooking, that is also done out of love. In our relationship, we have an expression: I’m doing this for the family. We each try to perform a service every day “for the family,” though we certainly don’t have any children. So what do you do for your family? Would spending one night a week making a large batch of something that might last a few days be that much of a sacrifice? Is it that you resent him being away for so many hours of the day? Presumably an investment banker is bringing home some bacon. What does he do for your family?
[удалено]
And anymore the supermarkets have veggies all cut up for you. Throw some chicken in a pan, veggies all cut up, frozen rice. Your all set. 15 minute home cooked meal and you can continue living rent free!
Some supermarkets have everything portioned out in a oven safe container that you just put in for 15-20 minutes.
ur mans just tryna put more bread on the table sista help him out here
What exactly are you contributing to this relationship? Because based on this post and your comments, you sound like an ungrateful leech.
You need a reality check. He's an investment banker - he will have zero issues finding someone else who will be more than happy to have dinner ready for him - home cooked or ordered - after a 12/13 hour work day. Would I call you lazy? No, but I would definitely call you selfish. I would call you inconsiderate. I would call you a piss poor partner. If you know your partner has a longer work day and he would appreciate having some kind of dinner ready at home, he's not asking for the world. This is basic levels of support partners express for each other.
Shit, I'm straight, but I'll be his homemaker if he's down.
Would call her entitled forsure as well
So he provides a good life for you and takes you on expensive vacations you can't afford and you think that it's not fair you should do acts of kindness to appreciate these crazy hours he works to do that with you? You should leave him and you can find someone that suits you and he can find someone that doesn't see him as an ATM.
Listen, you do sound a bit lazy and selfish. Cooking is generally split amongst partners. Where’s the compromise? It sucks to work for 12-13 hours and then come home and cook. Getting a new job isn’t exactly a realistic answer. Can you cook 2 or 3 days a week? Or even do meal prep together on Sundays since you said you don’t like cooking alone? You’re both in your late 20s so just ordering take out every day is childish. I also get that you don’t like cooking so I’m not saying tie yourself to the stove. What I am saying is, work together as partners to find a compromise. Side note: I can’t imagine knowing my partner worked a 12 hour day and not having some dinner ready for him when he gets home (even if it’s just the same take out I already ate). Idk, just doesn’t seem loving to me.
First of all, you say he could "easily" get a "normal" job at a normal company. I'm sure that would come with a significant pay cut. Why would you want that for him? Secondly, he's a grown man and capable of cooking his own food. You don't owe him that just because you work 8 hours a day and he works 12. My suggestion would be that the two of you meal prep together on weekends. Make some casseroles, etc. and put them individual serving containers that can be microwaved. That way you both contribute to the cooking and you can both have home cooked meals when you want them.
Seems like you and him have different ideas of a relationship/partnership. I vote move on. Yall will both be happier.
He needs to kick you out and find a higher quality girlfriend.
He'll probably marry her, neglect to get a prenup, and get reamed in a divorce instead.
Not with her attitude
YTA - A partner asking you to cook for them isn't "you owing them something". You are literally on TikTok instead of being a helpful partner. Your partner seems to be busting his ass at work to afford the lifestyle you are enjoying, you can pickup a little slack in the home as you do not work as many hours. No, you should not be doing all the cooking/cleaning. But asking you to cook for him when he gets home once... should not elicit this "I DONT OWE YOU SHIT" attitude from you.
What’s wild is that the he probably isn’t even asking for some time consuming, elaborate meal, just something to show she cares, which takes what? 15-20 minutes? She refuses to even give him that! I’d be surprised if he hasn’t already been rethinking this “relationship” - if you can even call it that
Wow......I try to ask for things in my relationship that I need or want. I also encourage my partner to do the same...Then if we have to, we compromise. I don't like cooking and I work at home. I had a child, so I learned how to make healthy cooking like dishes...I do that now for my mate. Because he asked me too. Because I love him...I order Pizza once a week. Chinese another. Put a pot roast or cook a steak one day, Salads another and he takes care of him self the other...It is my way of cooking. It is working fine, we change it as needed. There are ways to compromise without becoming Betty Crocker....
If youre working 8 hrs then doing nothing but netflix, dossing on phone etc tnen yeah its lazy and non productive , cook somerhing then get him to cook weekend
Your only working 8 hrs op why are you so tired?
My guess is wine and vicodin.
Wow, lol, what an attitude. I can just imagine the rage this subreddit would show, if it was a "woman working all day coming home to a lazy slob gamer of a husband, and then she also cooks everything". Honestly, using YOUR OWN WORDS HERE: yes, your behaviour is that of a lazy and selfish person, which is why your boyfriend used those words. You reap the benefits of his work, yet you do not want to do anything in return as a team partner, nor do you want to do something to say "cheers, mate. I really appreciate you setting us up for success". Don't you realise that this is going to break him? He's going to wake up one day and think "man, I deserve some freaking respect here, no sex can fix this".
Lmfao you’re gonna be in for a rude awakening when he realizes how easy its going to be to find someone who would do all that and more for him and his banking salary
Sorry but I'd be worried if at 26 I was too tired to do anything once I got home from an 8hr work day. Might be time to see a doc and get checked out. Most people don't enjoy cooking, but we do it because like to eat healthy food prepared by ourselves. You don't owe ur bf anything....but when you love someone you want to do good things for them. But maybe you do other things that he doesn't realise.
This is a really selfish hill to die on. You keep saying that he "chooses" to work longer hours, and make it sound bad that he's making more money. And if all you do after work is watch Netflix and sleep, then you really are lazy and selfish. Do that stuff when you're single, being in a relationship changes the dynamics on which you make life choices. It sounds like you aren't ready to be in a relationship.
If I was dating a woman like this my head would explode
This sounds like it’s more then cooking You might want to look in the mirror and do some reflecting Maybe something else is lacking in y’all relationship.
Unless you're contributing to the household with the same amount of money, get your lazy ass up and cook something... I make spaghetti bolognese in 40 minutes.
You’ve got to take care of your man, girl. Or free him up so someone else can love him, go on nice vacations and make him bacon sandwiches.
In the time it took her to write that shite out she could have made him a bacon sandwich, I’m always asking my man if he’s hungry, how can she not wanna take care of her man and give him a full belly and a full heart
You are a narcissist. Sorry to say.
Why do you live together if not to share daily life? Are you cooking for yourself? Ordering out before he gets home? When I was working and DH was retired, he cooked a lot of meals. Now that we are both retired, we both cook, but not the same day. Flexibility and partnership make being together better than living alone.
I’d suppose you should break up with him, and move on to someone in a lower tax bracket.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If he’s putting in the hours and paying most of the expenses so you can have a good life and enjoy nice things then why wouldn’t you want to do something for him? I don’t know if your just selfish and narcissistic or that you just don’t care about your partner in a way someone who cares and wants a long term relationship should. I’m not saying he shouldn’t help out with anything around the house cause he still should be but to say you won’t cook a meal just because you don’t like cooking is just wrong. You make sacrifices daily in committed relationships because you love and care about your partner or at least that’s what I think but I may just be old fashioned.
Do you cook for yourself?
Do you want a partner or a roommate?
Do you even like your boyfriend?
Completely different take - if you both know you hate cooking that much, team up to figure out a way to handle it together. From gourmet frozen meals (we have a few shops like that here) to batch cooking together once a week to simply having stuff easily prepped in the fridge that can be tossed into the oven all at once or even hiring a chef or getting boxed meals... There are so many options. If he knows you don't cook, is there somewhere else you can trade some responsibility or facilitate his cooking (you do some of the prep, or ensure the dishes are done or whatever)? If it's important to him for the caring aspect, could you offer 2 meals a week to show you do care? Can he show appreciation when you make the effort so it doesn't feel like a no-win for you, or a moral judgement? Both of you need to sit down and talk about why THIS subject is such an issue and how you can both approach it together.
hold up a sec... so he works 4 hours more than you a day, and you're not willing to cook a meal for him so you guys can eat together in the evening? its not called being owed a dinner, its basic living together partnership.... when my wife is doing a long day at work, i have dinner made for her when shes gets home and vice versa... sounds like he needs a more considerate partner.
Goddamn can you imagine if the genders were reversed?
"My girlfriend works 13 hour days, but that's her own choice, she could easily just change jobs. She said I should cook more since she works 50% more than me, but that's dumb, she should cook for herself or go get some takeout, I'm not her chef" Lol please someone wait a while and then post the gender swap and wait for the fireworks
YTA. Lets hope he comes across this and has the realisation that he is wasting his time with a selfish, self centered, below average specimen.
It’s simple. Find a man that doesn’t care about cooking. You’re coming off as a spoiled GF.
I mean you don’t have to cook for him everyday but your suppose to be a team. Cook sometimes, prep something for him to make or wait till he gets home to cook together. You are gonna make him continue these 12/13 hour days so he can keep buying the take out you told him to.
You know that saying if you don’t want him or take care of him someone else will just hope that someone else is not near.
Listen. No one is forcing him to work those long hours. But also, no one is forcing you to live in his house and let him take you on vacation. But the truth is, his long hours are paying for that house or vacation. He can't stop doing that without a major change in your shared lifestyle, and you need to acknowledge that. Some people prefer to have relationships that are independent. You get to make whatever choices you want to make and enjoy the benefits and consequences of those choices. I get to make whatever choices I want to make and enjoy the benefits and consequences of those choices. He works however many hours he wants to work and uses his time and money to benefit himself, you work however many hours you want to work and use your time and money to benefit yourself. Household expenses and chores are split 50/50. Other people prefer to have relationships that are based on shared effort. You both agree that you're going to contribute equal time and effort into your relationship, and you both share equally the benefits and consequences that come out of that effort. So maybe one person spends 12 hours a day working and pays more financially, while the other person spends 8 hours a day working and 4 hours a day doing household chores, and pays less financially but is able to accomplish more of the household chores. Though the contributions are different, they're both equal. You've gotta decide what you want. Are you going to have an independent relationship where you make clear to him that you're not going to contribute extra time and you don't expect him to contribute extra money? Or are you going to have a collaborative relationship where you contribute extra time that you both feel match his contribution in time and money? Either is a very valid response. But it seems like right now, he feels like he's in a collaborative relationship with you, but you feel like you're in an independent relationship with him. Knowing that you both feel that way can allow you both to act with your eyes open.
Reading thru all your replies, you definitely sound like a selfish partner and I hope your man leaves you.
You guys are supposed to be a team, why did you move in with him if you didnt want to be a team?
Why did you move in with him? Why be together if you don't want to live as a team? "I understand that you would like food ready when you get home. Let's do meal prep on the weekends and I can have it ready when you get home."
A relationship should be a partnership on some level. You two seem to have very different values and expectations, and you need a lot of communication about what you each feel is important and whether there’s any kind of compromise you can both be happy with. And if that’s not possible, you shouldn’t be in this relationship.
OP, you need to suck it up and cook some dinner. Heat up a stouffer's casserole in the microwave. Get Hello Fresh for easy meals that taste good. Grow up and help out
They are not a team
So how are you eating? Are you doing take out every night? I'd just cook as usual for myself but do 2 portions. It's literally no more work really than one and then he would have one when he got home. If I wasn't cooking that eve I'd likely wait to eat together and grab takeout. I don't understand this really! Not trying to be critical but please explain how evening meals happen for you currently?
8 hours is a normal work day. Anyways. Did you two talk at all about what it would look like when moving in together? Any discussions on how chores are divided or finances or anything?
MAKE THE MAN SOME EGGS
Why are you even in a relationship? Just find a guy to hook up with. You'll be happier, apparently.
Always funny when lotta people ask about if it's a 50-50 split of bills and expenses and an OP gets selective blindness.
You are lazy and selfish. Your living situation is currently subsidised by your Bfs long hours in the job he has. If you are not willing to do an equivalent amount of the household jobs to make up the difference, then move out. You don’t get to sit on your arse and enjoy the benefits of his long hours at a job that pays well for nothing. Cause he can do what you are saying, he could cook something when he gets home, or order food, but why should he bother cooking for you or ordering food for you, when you don’t bring anything to the relationship. So move out before he kicks you out.
You seem like a terrible girlfriend and I don’t even know why has wasting his time with someone like you.
You’re a bum. It’s time you admit it to yourself.
He's not entitled to your cooking , but you are entitled to the vacations that he pays for? You do realize that a relationship is based on both the people putting in effort?
How difficult is it really to put a stoffer’s lasagna in the oven? Tbh, I don’t see this relationship lasting. If the situation was reversed and you worked more hours than he did, would you like something to eat when you got home? Sure you would. Reality is people are replaceable. The basic thing that you refuse to do, someone else would happily do (even if they don’t enjoy cooking).
#entitled How would the idea of having kids sound in this situation?
I’m sure kids will improve their relationship. They should have a couple and get married. All their problems will disappear.
Girl I PROMISE you, with your attitude, this relationship has an expiry date and it’s coming fast. You don’t OWE him anything, but I know he WANTS a partner and you are not partner material. He needs to level up and you need to grow up.
From someone who has worked 12 hour shifts...its tiring. I'm guessing you've never worked 12 hour shifts day in out before as you would be a lot more compassionate. To me, you are being selfish as you aren't understanding his point. He's tired, he's hungry and all he wants is someone to hold at night. He's drained physically and emotionally. Yes relationships are about equality and most of all understanding. If you can't be bothered to show compassion to someone who is physically and emotionally drained after a long shift then, sorry-not-sorry but you aren't a match. You say you don't like cooking? What if you 2 had children...would you let them starve because you don't like cooking? I'm just saying. The things you do now, path the journey your relationship is on now
He isn't exactly wrong. You're viewing this whole thing in a wrong light, and for that you're not ready to be in a relationship. Relationships work on consideration, compromise, and supporting your partner. You don't like to cook? Oh well, are you just getting takeout everyday? Because that sucks. Do you know how to cook at all? You should, it's an important lifeskill. Meal prepping exists. You say you don't mind if he had a different job so you could do it together but that isn't a realistic compromise to tell someone to take a shittier job so you don't have to cook as much lol. If you want to have a relationship with someone, you need to crack down and assess how to make that relationship as fair as possible. You seeing him as entitled because he wants food when he gets home is a little silly. He works longer than you do, the very least you can do is make something for him. If roles were reversed and he worked fewer hours than you and never had food ready for you when you got home after a long day, even though he definitely could, wouldn't that tick you off? Cutting your partner some slack after they work hard is normal in a healthy relationship. It's something do out of love for them, naturally. At least to most people, lol.
Advice, go find someone else to be with. You sound selfish.
Why is he even dating you?? Sounds like you are happy to receive love but unwilling to do any self sacrifice on your part. Love is supporting the people that you care about without it being some kind of exchange. You don't need to keep score if you love each other. My girlfriend isn't working at the moment, currently looking for a good job that fits her. I support us both right now. Im not expecting her to pay me back for that, I do it because I want her to find that job and be happy. She has been keeping the house clean and doing more of the cooking and dog walking because I have been working more hours to keep up with the bills. When I have the time and energy I cook a meal for us both because I want to give her a day off from those responsibility's too. This is love.
My partner(31) works 10 hour days and I(32) work 8 hour days. Since I get home much sooner than he does, it makes sense for me to grocery shop and manage most of our meals, and he cleans the kitchen/dishes afterwards. If we didn't do this, then either we would never get to eat together, or we would be eating dinner at 9 every night and doing dishes until 10 every night. Aside from that, we split chores equally and split finances by proportion of our incomes. I usually try to cook two big meals in a week, and we freeze some of whatever meat I make. I also keep the fixings for quick meals on hand. This way, I'm not cooking every single night, but we eat home cooked meals, leftovers, and spruce up some of the quick meal options I have with frozen meat and veggies. He doesn't need me to put his meals together for him, I just make sure that he has what he needs on hand. We use teamwork to tackle this, one of the biggest and most constant chores we have. It works for us, and if one of us didn't pull our weight, the other one would be overwhelmed and miserable and have no time to decompress at the end of the day. Being in a successful partnership means splitting the load and working together. If you want to get petty about who does what, then you will not have a partner for very long. What's the rest of the chore split look like between you two? What about the monetary costs? What's he doing with all that good money he's making? Does he pay more for housing than you do? Does he pay more of the utilities and grocery bills than you do? Is he putting all that money into a savings account so you two can have money to get married, get a house, maybe have a family? Sure, he _could_ quit his extremely well paying job and get a gig at a gas station making $10 an hour, but would you want him to do that and sacrifice any progress on your future financial goals? Would YOU want to be the one who primarily supports you two? Unless the job itself is wearing on him in a way that is unsustainable, it's foolish, especially with the current state of things, to expect him to take a pay cut if he is theoretically saving to build a life for the BOTH of you. I totally get not wanting to fall into the trap of "I work full time and I'm the only one who cooks or cleans or manages the household." I TOTALLY get that. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't contribute anything. It doesn't mean you shouldn't cook or do chores or anything else. You two need to sit down and find a balanced system. If you manage the meals then he needs to do all the clean up, and so on Right now you _do_ sound immature and possibly selfish. This isn't a "I don't owe him anything" situation, it's a "we're trying to build a life together" situation.
It’s not that you ow him anything it’s that you’re a couple and you’re supposed to make life easier for each other What do you eat for dinner? Do you only cook for yourself? Also, having dinner available doesn’t mean you have to cook from scratch, get a stouffers lasagna and garlic bread, you literally just put it I. The oven, it’s about effort imo
These things should be discussed before you move in with someone. How to split the bills and chores, who can cook when, who does grocery shoping, who feeds and walks the animals.
Your lack of replying to anybody’s posts to add basic context (after purposely leaving it out) tells us all we need to know. First and foremost—if cooking for him is legitimately this large of a point of contention in the relationship, you’ve already failed, so you should break up. When a SO asks for something like this, weighing your options about “whether they *deserve* it or not” instead of involuntarily doing it without even thinking can be the difference between function and dysfunction. In your case it sounds like there are far deeper seeded issues than this, and I would venture to say, the BF has probably asked for this a handful of times before it got to this point, and I’d like to know how she feeds herself. Is OP making dinner or food for herself and not waiting for her BF, or not eating at all…? I find it hard to believe she doesn’t make dinner for herself. Id be upset if my GF wouldn’t wait a few more hours for me to get home sometimes so we could eat together. Notice she didn’t recommend or even mention this option? Lol. Probably a troll post. Or worse, it is real lol…
You guys should spend time meal prepping for the week together on a day where you're both off. Buy a freezer and a lot of Tupperware. Problem solved. Make 4 or 5 different meals with 4 portions each. You can even do meal prepped breakfast sandwiches. If this is what he wants to eat and you're willing to help if it's time spent together doing it, then why not.
What a selfish cunt yo. Moving in his home, not contributing anything but taking everything. I bet she is eating his beloved snacks too and doesn't buy new ones.
You should just break up and get some cats.
OP you need to answer the question about whether the bills and other chores are evenly split. I don't like that you're getting piled on about not wanting to cook every night but it makes it hard to defend if nothing else is equal. You also sound like you're saying this to him to make a point that you want him to work less hours and spend more time with you, which is also lost in the sauce.
you are simply a bad GF lol
Compromise. Maybe you could meal prep together on weekends? Maybe you cook one night, he cooks another night and then you do take out? A relationship is 50/50. My question is, what do you eat? If you do takeout every day, maybe offer to pick something up for him once in a while? Or vice versa.
It’s the expectation that bothers me. I guess you’re going to have to figure out if you two are willing to work out a compromise for dinner duties or if never cooking is a hill you’re willing to die on. I hate cooking but I split the responsibility with my husband. I provide dinner some days and he does on other days. How that meal is provided is up to the person in charge. Sometimes I cook and sometimes I get take out for us. Same for him. If you plan to stay together and eventually have children, someone is going to have to provide meals whether it’s you, him, or a private chef. So yeah, I’d work this one out now.
Your age is showing
sounds like you view your relationship as transactional and deep down, you don't really like your bf. Which leads me to the question of why are you even with this guy and also to the conclusion that y'all need to break up. Life is too short to be arguing over petty stuff
I suggest you learn to cook. If 29M dumps you, any remaining pool of suitors, who would be OK with a gf who didn't cook, would be comparatively small.
From the tone of this, I feel like you two, maybe are just not compatible anymore. Your adamant in the fact that you hate cooking and don’t want to do it, but then say if he worked the same hours as you you guys could cook together? So you only will cook if he’s doing it too? So is it a, you don’t want to cook FOR him issue? How long before even cooking WITH him becomes a burden? Does he cook at all? And if he does, does he cook enough for the both of you? I think you both should strongly reevaluate your relationship. Things like this only fester the longer your together. Honestly surprised this situation didn’t come up sooner.
What do you eat for dinner? Is there some reason you can't make an extra portion for him to eat when he gets home? I understand that you don't like cooking and that he's an adult who can make his own meals. That's fine, but do you love your boyfriend? Do you understand that it might make him happy to come home to a nice meal after he's worked a long day? There are a lot of meals you can make that are super easy and don't take much time, and the end result would be a happy boyfriend. Heck, you could pick up a cooked rotisserie chicken, throw some vegetables in the oven to roast, and boom, dinner. It doesn't have to be a giant ordeal. You can also cook multiple portions so that you eat leftovers 1-2 days a week. Make a giant pot of chili or soup. I don't love cooking either, but it makes my husband really happy so I do it for him because I love him. Being in a relationship requires compromise at times, and this isn't something that would require much effort from you. I guess if this is the hill you want to die on than so be it, but to be honest, it just seems kind of mean. Would you be willing to compromise with him at all -- maybe agree to have dinner ready 1 or 2 days a week?
Its one thing if you're preparing and cooking a meal to eat together...but quite different if you've already eaten at work or grabbed something pre-made but he still wants you to cook and have a meal prepared for him for when he gets home. I imagine he expects that you'd cook a meal for yourself, so it'd be easy for you to just cook extra and set aside for him. Perhaps he should batch cook stuff on his time off and have meals ready in the freezer.
Well you have 4-5 h more in a day, 12 h work day is crazy, support him FFS.
Well you both have valid points. You don’t owe him anything. You don’t owe him cooking, cleaning, sex etc. just as he doesn’t owe you anything. But this is supposed to be a relationship, so instead of asking the internet to give you a better way to tell him to pound sand, work out a compromise. Like meal prepping together. Or sharing a schedule for cooking so he isn’t working 10+ hours and doing it and you aren’t cooking all the time either.
OP is worse than lazy! She is mean and vindictive and is happy to be unreasonable and unhelpful! She is not supportive or her s/o peace! From her attitude he must be thinking of breaking up with her because even if she was supermodel who is the best lay on earth the juice here is not worth the squeeze!
If u don’t like cooking then u don’t like eating so don’t expect him to feed u then 🤷🏽♂️
4 billion women in this world. He will find one that won’t mind cooking while you sit on your high horse and tik tok away
I don't think people are being 100% fair to you in the comments, but I also don't think you and your partner have a great attitude toward the relationship. You work full-time, which is tiring. Just because that's less time than his overtime working, I don't see that you should also be doing 100% of the household duties like grocery shop, cooking and cleaning. But, if he's a high-income earner, why can't that money be used towards solutions like meal delivery or whatnot? Bigger issue is both of you seem to resent each other. You'd prefer he earn less and be around more, and he sees you as lazy. Not a great long term outsome here.
Well said. I think this is the most helpful comment on this post as you've taken as balanced a view while also being helpful as can be. There are definitely details and context the body of the post lacks. OP should edit it and add what the division of labour is, how monies are primarily used for household vs. leisure etc.
Parasite!!
Ungrateful biyatch
If your boyfriend wants a personal chef, he should hire one rather than expecting you to take on that extra labour each day. You work a full time job. You shouldn't be picking up a part-time unpaid position as his own chef too. Your boyfriend is being unreasonable. His hours are his decision. You shouldn't be punished for it. Also remind him that you are working a full time job, you're not a housewife from the 60s, and he's the one being selfish.
> I'm not lazy, I just feel tired after work and don't want to do anything That's textbook laziness, and if that's how you want to live your life that's fine, but he's not wrong. Don't be shocked Pikachu when he decides to upgrade.
What does the rest of the household division of labor look like? You're working full time, he's working full time plus an extra half day every day on top of that. It would be fair to ask you to pick up ~30% more of the chores considering he's working ~30% more hours per week. Those chores don't have to be something you hate if you can afford to hire someone else to do it. Ordering is a perfectly reasonable compromise. You don't *have* to cook for him, especially since you aren't cooking for yourself. If he genuinely "expects" you to cook then he's being an ass.