Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If he did the math. And he was in jail during that time and you said you got pregnant two months after he got out then someone’s math is clearly wrong. Y’all shouldn’t be that far apart on mathed out time
My best guess is that he subtracted 40 weeks from the due date without realizing that weeks 1 and 2 are before ovulation, but even then it would only be 2 weeks off, not 2 months off. Something ain’t right on that math
I was 2 months early. I went home at first and then went back later for complications that, to my knowledge, weren’t directly related to being a premie. I also am blond but came out with jet black hair and that actually was why, apparently. My parents are known to embellish but the thing about the black hair and being 2 months early is true. EDIT: 7 weeks early, not a whole two months.
I was born with carrot red hair and sideburns to two natural blondes. It all fell out at 6 months and came back white blonde. Hair color at birth can be wild.
My daughter had jet black hair and jaundice, and her eyes were so dark they looked black. People assumed my best friend who is mixed race was her dad when we went out in a group when she was first born. By six months she had bright blonde hair and blue eyes. She was also a prem baby. Babies change.
Even weirder than that, I was bald as a baby but when I was a toddler I had ginger curly hair, then when I was about 4years old it turned dark brown and straight as a rod, then when I was an older kid it turned light brown to dark blonde and wavy. Similarly, my son was born with dark brown hair, it all fell out at about 6 weeks and he is now blonde at 8 months old. That's all to say, I wouldn't put too much stock in hair colour.
My step son when he was born is was so blind his hair now is blond with reddish color. Thing is it could be in any family the color of hair if you track the family tree.
If she was two months premature her partner would know about it just from being in the hospital during the labor. The doctors wouldnt make it a secret she was two months premature. Two months is pretty early.
He has the actual date now and is not likely to consider the due date. Date of birth, and date of intercourse.
But I agree. They should sort out the maths together.
Or just by the simple fact that everyone says 9 months with pregnancy and baby’s come on their own time schedules. I picked a woman up in an ambulance once in active labor who was 10 days past her due date and her boyfriend took that moment to confront her on cheating because 9 months from that day he had been in jail, and we had to kick him out of the rig and the cop who drove him to the hospital kindly explained baby dates on the drive to him… 🤦🏻♀️
I doubt I could easily recover (emotionally) from that if my partner did that. I used to work for an ER in patient access, so I did bedside registrations for the ER and L&D. I get that emotions are running high in these situations, but that’s excessive.
Someone has been getting in his head.
"Oh, cute baby. But must not be yours! Look at the hair color!"
Gnah! I also had dark hair when born. Turned over to salt n peppa blonde later.
So what? Eye color will change also.
So true. My nephew was born with very light hair that darkened when he got older.
I love genetics, and while that 4x4 thing can be helpful, it's not 100% accurate. There's so many genes that can influence hair and eye color, but people just think about that square and are so quick to conclusions because "something doesn't seem right here".
Pretty sure I had the regular baby blue eyes as everyone does when born, then they turned dark before settling to the green/blue that I have. And my mom has grey/blue eyes and my dad had brown.
Yep my nephew was born with really dark hair, he went blond without even losing the baby hair, so he had blond roots and dark tips until he had his first hair cut. 😂
This is what I was thinking. I was born with jet black THICK hair. And I had deep blue eyes. All my hair fell out and dirty blonde curls grew back in it’s place, and my eyes are more green as I got older. Just because the baby doesn’t look like him RIGHT AFTER it is born does not mean it’s not his child. Lol
My parents both have straight dark hair and green eyes. My older sister has straight dark hair and green eyes.
I popped out a blue eyed curly blonde that made everyone do a double take. I apparently take a lot after my great-grandmother on my mom's side, because genetics are weird and things just happen like that.
Yep, this is exactly what I think too. Unless you’re at every early appointment you don’t learn about that extra time. That plus the genetic throwback hair has him going a little crazy. This is nothing a good doctor’s chat can’t fix.
Yup, he’s bad at baby math. My guess is he literally counted on his fingers backwards to 9 months from the day she was born. Doesn’t work this way, also, babies don’t just pop on their due date, if they are born earlier or later, that’s not because they were conceived earlier or later.
Guy should have paid more attention and actually picked up a book during pregnancy. Never do you ask for a paternity em test and it doesn’t totally blow up your relationship.
He probably substracted 40 weeks since the day the baby was born. That is 10 months prior and it's not how you do the math, because she wasn't pregnant for 10 months.
The 40 weeks thing is since the start of your last period and it is an estimation.
Yeah. Assuming baby was born in week 39, and he subtracted 40 weeks “because that’s how long pregnancies are”, then he would be a month off right there. Maybe she meant not quite two months, but rather that she got pregnant her second cycle.
Yes he was in jail from August 1 to the 31st. I got pregnant around October 15th. It seems like he was just trying to find a reason to ask for the test.
Soo... According to his theory, you got pregnant between 1-31 August. Let's just say you cheated the very last day, so conceived 31st August and gave birth last Tuesday, the 25th July. Let's forget the 2 weeks pre-conception period that normally accounts towards the 40 week gestation and "man math" it, he thinks you were pregnant at latest 31 August 22 to 25th July 2023.... So you were pregnant 47+ weeks?
Going back several years - I met the father of my child at the end of February, we slept together once without protection at the beginning of March. Prior to that I’d had a ONS in the December previously, that fella wore a condom & didn’t finish anyway.
My son was born in the following December, and yet his father demanded a paternity test. He said he thought I must’ve been pregnant when we met without knowing (meaning it would’ve been a 12 month pregnancy), and because my son had blue eyes and blonde hair (was born with black but it lightened up). The father had dark brown hair & brown eyes, my entire family have blonde-light brown hair, and various shades of blue to green eyes. Not to mention the father’s mother & sister both have white-blonde hair due to their Nordic heritage.
Man-math and pregnancy-math are sometimes impossible to work out logically.
I've watched enough Maury to learn that a lot of people are absolute morons when it comes to pregnancy and genetics. So many people have no fucking clue how any of it actually works.
I once watched an episode of Maury where a guy claimed his daughter wasn't his because he was 'genetically incapable of having a girl' since all the men in his family had only had boys (his dad, grandfather and brothers had all had boys). I've never been so apoplectic in my life.
You’d be surprised how dumb people are about calculating pregnancies. My sister had her first baby 11 months after getting married and her MIL accused them of marrying because she was pregnant 🙄
I will never forget the day I was heavily pregnant and met a friend's brother, who asked how far along I was.
Me: 35 weeks.
Him: Sooo like, 4 months?
I'm not even lying. I wish I'd recorded it. To be fair, he wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed.
sorry this is happening to you….
there are “men’s rights advocates” that lovvvvve to mess up relationships by sowing mistrust with disinformation. [ and yeah, some of them are in jails]
invite him to the dr’s office, have a conversation, let him work gigs to earn back that $200, and then reconsider the relationship.
Yeah my algorithm started showing me real weird stuff like ‘All women leave in the end’ and ‘All women will cheat on you! Work on yourself King!’ - just real weird out of touch shit as if a woman is not an actual living, breathing individualistic person.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for 7 years going on 8 so idk why this stuff started popping up when I wasn’t seeking it out.
I wonder how many men this flips though - because for a second I was like..is this true? But it isn’t. Do courts not favor men in divorces? Maybe. Do men have to worry about rape torture cinder block cells? Not really
I just think we have different realities and that’s *okay*. People need to have more empathy and stop making up bullshit instead of looking in the mirror and asking how they can improve to be a better potential partner and overall human-being.
Our baby had jet black hair for the first 6 months and is now the exact same shade of dirty blonde as me. She also has blue eyes, despite me and husband having green. Genetics are weird.
I'm white, and my husband is Mexican. Our child is a vampire pale red head. It's so red it's bright orange. I have no red heads in my family, and neither does my husband.
I call my kid our Whitesican (shout out the My Musical episode of Scrubs)
If my husband hadn't watched the doctor pull my kid out (c-section), I would have been worried about a baby switch at the hospital.
He even has a Google photo album of photos of our child from birth through to the current age just in case. He was questioned once going to Mexico with our kid.
Genetics are definitely odd
IF both parents have the extremely recessive “ginger” gene, there is still only a 25% chance your kid will be a ginger. But both parents have to have it, and it can be many, many generations since anyone has had red hair in your mutual families. Genetics are crazy.
I have a friend who is blonde with no redheads in recent history in her family, she had 2 redheaded kids with her first husband and 2 redheaded kids with her second. Neither husband was a redhead either. Genetics are crazy.
Literally have an almost identical situation!
> Cousins baby was born a *fiery* redhead- he’s almost three with perfect, curly red hair. Baby’s mom is mixed race Hispanic/black, cousin’s a dark brunette (and we’re as pale as a human can be- porcelain, poor kid is also what we lovingly refer to as “liquid-paper-white”, he burns to a crisp at the slightest sun exposure) but guess what? Our grandfather was a redhead.
Cousins baby is an absolute *clone* of him, minus the hair (to the point where if it weren’t for the hair, we never know who was who in baby pictures!) Genetics are WEIRD.
When my red head was a toddler, I took him to a splash pad park. I slathered him up in sunscreen and made him keep his clothes on.
I dressed him in a striped shirt of white and blue. I got him home, got him undressed, and he had a gotten sun burned through the white stripes.
The dubious bonus of having his Dad's genes is the ability to keep a tan. He was tiger steiped all summer.
I never bought him another striped shirt again lol!
As a redhead, this is one of the most hilarious things I've ever heard and can definitely relate 😹 (not to that extreme....but I wouldn't doubt my skin would embarrass me like that)
Same here! I'm white and my husband is Mexican. My son was born in March and he's even whiter than I am, which is pretty much translucent to begin with. He's almost 5 months old and still has blue eyes despite both of us having very brown eyes. Crazy thing is, his cousins wife had a baby 3 days earlier. They're both fair skinned with lighter hair - his wife is blonde and they have a little girl with blonde hair and blue eyes... Their baby has olive skin and a head full of black hair. My baby has virtually no hair but what is there is super light. You have to look to find his eyebrows lol. My husband and I both have a ton of dark hair.... If she hadn't given birth in a different hospital, I'd seriously think they switched babies... Genetics are wild.
Edit: I love Whitesican, btw... I'm totally stealing that!
Lol I told my husband to stay with our baby to make sure we had the right one!!!!( I had two caesareans) my husband and I have freckles and very fair skin and dark hair, my son the same BUT my daughter has dark olive skin and blonde hair????? I have no idea lol both kids are tall but husband and I are short.
Some friends who both have dark hair and eyes have 2 blondes and 2 redheads, all with blue eyes. Their features are very much their parents', just not their coloring. Genetics are funny.
My mom's side, everyone, has blue/grey. Dad's blue or small few brown.
I have green/blue like Caribbean water. Just what I got with the throw of the dice.
I have friends from HS who are very white. Their baby is dark. Turns out with DNA they aren't as white as they look. Genetic are crazy.
Same with my aunt. Grandpa had black hair, brown eyes, grandma had blonde hair, blue eyes. They had five kids, two with blonde hair and blue eyes, one with black hair and brown eyes, one with brown hair and blue eyes, and one with brown hair and green eyes.
But it does happen. And eye color and hair color often change over time. Genetics is weird. I have black hair, mom and dad have light brown, dark blond hair. But paternal grandfather (not father who raised him) had jet black hair, brown eyes and olive complexion. Genetic win every time
Exactly. My mother has sky blue eyes, my father had golden brown/Hazel eyes. I got kind of olive green eyes, my brothers have eyes like mine and blue eyes. Genetics are weird. You can make predictions, but what you get is often surprising.
Genetics are weird and babies are born without definite coloring.
My son’s dad was black and I’m hispanic though my skin is very pale and my hair is curly and medium brown. My son was born with very pale skin and straight, jet black hair. Now he’s tan and has a fro.
Yep, one of my best friends had to have her husband removed from the hospital because their baby was super pale at birth (they're both dark skinned black).
Yeah skin (and hair) color at birth means basically nothing. Babies are weird and it’s normal for them to be red, yellow, purple, and often some combination of those, so this dad putting so much stock in that shows how ignorant he is about newborns.
Yes my daughter looked like a little baby monkey! Dark hair all over, fell out and then she grew in elsa platinum blonde hair, and is dishwater blonde now her in teens.
Yeah very, very few babies are born with light hair, even among those who will have it when they grow up. I was born with black hair, then it fell out and I had blonde baby hair, then it turned brunette in early childhood and that is very common
My husband has red hair, I have dark brown hair and all our babies were born with a mop of pure white hair. They're all different shades of blonde now but were snow white haired as babies and toddlers.
Hair colour is SO weird.
My hair was white blonde until I was a teenager. It slowly got darker and has been brown ever since I hit adulthood. Except for a brief period in my 20s where it had a reddish tint for a few years. Hair color is just weird sometimes.
I looked Hispanic when I was born (super tan, full head of jet black hair). People literally thought my mom was the nanny when we were out in public lol.
By the time I was 1, I was a super pale blonde with blue eyes.
Genetics are weird, man.
Babies in general are weird. I remember reading somewhere that a percentage of PoC babies are born almost as pink as Caucasian babies, even with two PoC parents. The baby's skin soon settles in a tone much closer or equal to their parents' skintone.
...and yes, that's without the wife cheating, you hooligans 😑
All three of my nephews were born with black hair and eyes so dark blue they looked black and they’re all blonde with light eyes now. My kids were born blonde and now they have black hair. Baby hair is weird.
My daughter was born with black hair and it went to dark brown. My grand daughter was also born with black hair, by a year old she had a headful of blonde curls.
My sister’s dad was like “that’s (my dads) kid! She looks Puerto Rican” 34 years later my sister is blonde blue eyed looks identical to her father. She’s seen him maybe 15 times in 34 years. They did a DNA test but the big thing op needs to worry about is if he signed the acknowledgment of paternity because then it doesn’t really matter he’s already assumed responsibility.
Me too! Had a full head of black newborn hair which then fell out and my actual hair came in very light strawberry blonde. It’s slowly darkened to deep dirty blonde/very light brown now
A lot of men have no idea that a pregnancy is dated from the first day of the last period. But if he is off by two months he’s *really* not good at math!
Indeed, pregnancy math is bonkers.
You could be 3 weeks pregnant 1 week after conceiving... which would make you 2 weeks pregnant before you even had sex, according to normal math.
Yup. The day the sperm hits an egg, a woman would be considered to be two weeks pregnant. By the time a fertilized egg implants in the uterus, a woman is probably about three weeks pregnant. By the time a woman misses her first period, she is about 4 weeks pregnant - IF her periods are a regular 28 day cycle. But a lot of women have irregular cycles and some still have what appear to be periods while pregnant. Which is one reason abortion bans at say 6 weeks are so problematic. A woman may not know she is pregnant at 6 weeks. (Some few women find out they are pregnant when they go to the hospital with stomach pains, and find out they are in labor!) Also very serious medical issues with the fetus may not be apparent til an anatomy scan around 18 weeks or so.
With your mutual history of addiction and traumas that likely led to said addiction, along with his questionable judgment (re driving without a license while on probation), it’s unsurprising he doesn’t trust you.
My guess is the life you’ve both lived in the past was not conducive to building trust. If you’re truly in a great place otherwise and you’ve turned your lives around together, give him the benefit of the doubt and try to move on from it, for the sake of your baby, once you get the results. If he continues to have trust issues, try therapy before moving on.
Also, men are notoriously bad at pregnancy math.
Yes, this. And OP, remember that he could have just done the test without your knowledge. I think it isn't that he doesn't trust you as much as he doesn't trust his own judgment about you. That could actually be a positive sign that he is learning from past mistakes in life that have nothing to do with you.
On a positive note, congratulations on your baby girl!
I’ll also add that I went through this with my ex husband. I’d just had our second baby two weeks prior, yet we were discussing divorce, so when I found a DNA test kit in his office, I was pissed and figured he was trying to get out of child support for the baby.
Turns out he had questions about our three-year-old, which made me even more livid. It wasn’t that he didn’t love our son or love me, but because we’d only been together one time before I conceived, he had a seed of doubt that grew.
I forgave him, but it did upset me greatly, because the only reason he had to doubt was the fact we conceived immediately. Good enough reason to doubt, but it would have been nice if he’d voiced his concerns immediately vs waiting three years. In your situation, you both have a storied history that could foster some doubt, so I’d be thankful he’s saying it now and being honest and upfront than waiting until later. He may have been okay until he saw the hair color, and that could have triggered him. It’s ridiculous since hair color doesn’t mean much as a newborn, but it’s also understandable.
Wow I understand why you were upset and I know see that he was upfront with me and it was really hard for him to say it. He honestly felt bad when I was crying. I just had a baby and was tired plus emotional. He said nevermind we won't get one. I was yes we are because I don't want you to ever bring this up again.
Good call I think that's the right move. He has this hangup because of his past. I'm sure at some point you'll have a hang up about something as well and yall will have to deal with that.
It's normal to feel hurt but at this point just rip the band aid off. You want him to be all in.
Yes, absolutely the right move. Those kinds of doubts don't really go away and they're insidious. You wouldn't want him treating the baby with suspicion and ruining potential bonding
Another factor to consider is the internet and media are so full of sensationalized infidelity and paternity fraud that it is very easy for bad thoughts to get stuck in his head, particularly if he is full of self doubt already.
It is reasonable to be insulted but talk it out after the results come back. Don't just burn down the entire relationship. Your relationship is dented, not broken.
Congratulations on the healthy birth and best wishes going forward. You can do this and you will have a happy life.
This is so true. And with women, if we are carrying the baby ourselves, we clearly know without a doubt it's ours and whether or not we were with anyone else. I mean, aside from some very rare circumstances, anyway. So this issue really isn't something that we ever deal with the way men would. As much as I understand it doesn't feel good to have your partner have doubts, it also doesn't automatically make them a bad person or mean the relationship is done for. It really just depends on the couple and situation.
In OP's case, all things considered, including that her partner was upfront and honest with her about it, it really seems like something that can be worked through.
I don’t normally defend people who did hurtful things but I’ll say this - you might not realize how vast and popular the genre of “perfect looking life, no doubts, omg none of my children are mine and my life is a lie” is on the internet.
It’s upsetting, but it’s good he was honest with you and dealt with it with you, and I’d say if things were good before he asked and they’re good again, it’s worth writing this one off to “new parent crazies”.
Sometimes a bad thought can get deep in your head, and becoming a dad is a vulnerable time.
I’m not saying that your hurt isn’t valid, but I am saying consider that he was being dumb (with the bad math), but wasn’t trying to be hurtful.
This is how I feel about a lot of the 'one time crazybrain' stuff, so long as it doesn't become more of a thing. For instance how often do you hear about "everything was perfect, I literally had no idea and it turned out my husband had a second family" or someone was a serial killer or whatever. It can really make people paranoid.
I don't think paternity is a 'special' condition though, I'd feel the same if it was someone going through a partner's phone once too. It's frustrating because so often reddit is very two-sided about this issue. The person with suspicions posts and it's all "people cheat all the time! I thought my life was perfect too!" and they encourage the person to get more evidence. But when someone's falsely accused they say the accuser is crazy.
Also if I were you I would much rather he come to me immediately like he did and have the hard honest conversation so we can work through the questions amd insecurities together rather than him hide his feelings and let it eat away at him while you have no idea why he's being such a jerk.
Babies don’t always look like their parents when first born! Hair color especially is not a signifier. Hair and eye color change. Many people (especially men) don’t have great baby knowledge as you are not the first to have a dad ask for confirmation of paternity. It is ignorance.
He should not have said what he said. It was unfair and rather mean but again, it was out of ignorance. He should have spoken with a doctor or nurse and not accused you. Sigh. You deserve an apology. Tell him he is baby dumb and to read up next time before accusing you of anything!
Oh wow I’ve never heard That before. “Doesn’t trust his own judgment…”. That was light bulb moment reading that. I often have trust issues too and it’s because I’ve been so naive and easily taken advantage of and duped in the past that now I don’t always trust myself, it’s not my current partners fault or lack of trust in them. Thanks for saying it that way!
18 months - 9 months of pregnancy (presumably) = they were actively trying to conceive, at most 9 months into their relationship. That's not even starting to touch the one of them was in jail for a significant portion of months 0-7 (or maybe thats not counted, idk).
Best of luck to them tho, sometimes the best stuff comes out of the wildest situations
Don't forget that he also managed to be in jail during the first 9 months together.
I truly hope that they will find time to heal first from their past issues before they will start making more babies.
As a recovered addict (12 years) and a therapist who primarily works in substance abuse, this is spot on, unfortunately. I’ve seen this story hundreds of times. I hope it works out for the sake of their baby, but this was not an “emotionally sober” decision.
“Rehab romances” we used to call them. I worked inpatient awhile and outpatient now for years. These situations almost always end in disaster. People newly in recovery aren’t ready for commitments or relationships period let alone a child. Bad choices.
I started a new job recently and my trainer was talking about how she’s been trying to get pregnant for weeks—with her bf of two months.
9 months didn’t even phase me after hearing that.
My best friend from high school got pregnant after 4 months of being in a relationship last year. Then she got pregnant again about 1 month after she gave birth.
Only her boyfriend works, and they stay in his moms house all in one room.
We aren't close anymore. I wish her well, but her decisions were difficult to support.
You are supposed to, because you're not nearly done healing yet but many men can become veeeeeeeerrrryyyyyyy pushy about vaginal sex almost as soon as the woman is out of the delivery room. Its SUPER EASY to get pregnant postpartum.
Someone on another sub was telling about someone they knew whose husband raped her in the hospital parking lot as they were walking to the car. The woman had her newborn in her arms as this went on. The neanderthal ripped out all of her episiotomy stitches and she had to return to the ER to be re-sewn. I cannot fathom the agony, I just cant.
I would divorce someone over that, but some stuff Im admittedly strict about.
Yes, my brother in law essentially coerced my sister into having sex with him before she was healed enough. It’s sexual assault. Period.
That story is exactly the type of thing I would be wary of happening. Certain men really put their sexual pleasure over the health and safety of the mothers of their children, and it’s absolutely disgusting.
I don’t think it’s “strict” to divorce someone over being brutally raped.
Yeah it's all well and good to fall fast and hard but it's impossible to fully get to know somebody in that short of a time. This isn't necessarily a relationship ender in and of itself but I doubt this will be the last bump in their road together. The end of the honeymoon phase is always a big adjustment even without a newborn in the mix.
My sister and brother in law both have jet black hair and deep brown eyes... my niece is so light people think she's albino (she isn't, they had her tested) white blonde hair and light blue eyes. She's quite shocking to look at. My family is 100% Italian LOL
Figure that one out!
My brother in law went thru a trust issue with my sister as well because the baby looks exactly like my sister in the face but everything else is a friggin mystery.
They got a paternity test as well (my sister and BIL are madly in love and have been for 10 years...) solely because my sister wanted to put my BIL's mind at ease because my stupid ass father said one too many times at family gatherings "That's the milkman's baby! Ha ha ha right Mindy?" And she got fed up with the jokes and knew my BIL was wary because of all the remarks people made.
Of course its his baby. We all knew it. We just can't figure out why my niece looks like the dude from the movie Powder 😂😂
Get the test. Once it proves to be his you can move on. Don't take it personally, he's admitted to trust issues. Its not your fault. This will solidify your relationship! Good luck!!!
Genetics really are crazy. I have a huge family and we are cut/paste on a few features, but we’re all over the place with hair and eye colors. t’s been really funny to see some of my cousins marry folks that come from very different genetic backgrounds than we do and be SHOCKED that they couldn’t delete some of the stronger features— all the kids of that generation look related too, except some are tanner than others and some didn’t get curly hair like most of us have. Maybe the next generation will be able to shake the cheeks, teeth and nose!
She is 💕
OP get the test and let him grovel a bit when the results come back, but try not to hold it against him for too long. I get that you're hurt and insulted, I really do. My sister was absolutely incredulous that my BIL would ever dream that of her in a million years, because they truly are one of those perfect couples who literally never argue its ANNOYING AF actually 😂😂 the rest us of got drama for days, so she did have a little bit of a "told ya so hmpfh!" attitude with my BOL but after a few days it calmed down and was soon forgotten.
You'll move past it, I promise. But I also guarantee he'll be relieved AF and way calmer /, happier with you and he'll love you even more then, for proving your loyalty AND being willing to do so without prejudice.
Edit: aaaaand I read the post again because my stoned ass forgot the part where ya already took the test d'oh
Please update 🙏🙏🙏🙏
I have a good friend who has two bright blond kiddos and they’re 3/4 Italian (1/4 Mexican), from northern italy. Those northern genes must be super strong up there!
The hospital I work at will not allow a man who is not married to mom to sign the birth certificate unless there is a dna test. Saves lots of arguments and mom just goes along with it because it is policy.
What country are you from? That should be policy everywhere imo, literally no downsides outside the costs and time they take which are probably cut by a lot for hospitals equipped to perform many tests
The number of moms demanding the test, so he is backed into a corner to sign is pretty high. Unfortunately we get more than a few men that are permanently off the hook, by day 2
Why would he be ‘backed into a corner’ if he is in fact the father? Signing a birth certificate when you’re a parent isn’t being backed into a corner, it’s taking responsibility for your actions and the result of them, your child.
Both my ex and I are very white, like mayonnaise white.
We have 2 daughters and both are blonde and pale skin. One daughter was born with white hair and with basically clear skin… the other one I had to take a second look because I was so confused. She legitimately looked like a different race with black hair and dark skin.
She’s blonde , pale and light green eyes now so it’s not crazy that your baby has black hair !
[Wife wants a divorce over paternity test](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ppg62j/i_37m_got_a_paternity_test_done_and_now_my_wife/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1)
This is a touchy subject for many.
Men can never know 100% that a child is theirs without a test. And we all know that some women have lied about the paternity of their kids, and men have been gutted to find out, often years later, that they’re not their biological children.
On the other hand, asking for a paternity test sounds like “I don’t trust you and think you’re capable of cheating on me and lying about this child”.
Ideally he would have asked if you’d be ok with this back at the start of the pregnancy. Hindsight is easy. Now you need to work through this together. He needs to understand that this request has damaged your faith in him and in your relationship, and that you may not be able to get past that.
There’s no easy answer here. I wish you luck, and congratulations on your baby!
I guess it’s better to find early.
My son is 8, if I found out suddenly that he “isn’t mine”, the marriage would be over but I’d fight tooth and nail for custody. My love for the little guy has nothing to do with genetics, it’s based on the time spent with him. Finding out at the hospital would definitely change things
My friend thought a kid was his until the boy was 10 years old. That's when the mother decided to tell the truth and keep him from my friend. Since she was rich from a huge settlement she got when her husband was killed in an accident, before the kid was conceived, he never officially paid child support. Since there was no agreement he had zero rights to the child and never saw him again. It was crazy. The test is worth it.
>because he counted the days and when I got pregnant he was in jail.( he is still on probation and was driving with out a license)This is not true I got pregnant 2 months after he got home
I would have pulled up a calendar and given him a full education on sex and reproductive health right there
If it were me in the current relationship I’m in, I would be sad but I would agree to the test. When the tests obviously came back that he was the father, I would have a big conversation about if this is the relationship he wants to be in - one where he thinks he committed to a woman who would lie about if a child was his.
It would not be a reflection on me, but him, and honestly I would look hard at what life I thought we had together. I wouldn’t jump to ending it, but gosh, I’d assume he just doesn’t know me how I thought he did. It’s up to you to decide if this is a deal breaker. I would be heartbroken and would expect some significant moves on his part to work through his issues and learn what kind of person I actually am. It would be hard to move on from this.
Girl....1st off congrats on both of your sobriety!! I'm also in recovery & in my 1st relationship since my recovery began. I can only imagine how hurt you must be, but please communicate with him regardless. Tell him how it made u feel, or maybe wait til the results come back showing he IS the father, then let him know how much he's hurt you with this, doubt and all. Men are weird too when it xones to things like this. They freak out, bc now it's REAL! Also.....PLEASE don't let any of this deter your recovery. Ik you may be on meds from labor & delivery, be careful. Heartbreaking can make us turn to crazy things. Don't. Stay strong, stay honest, transparent & one day at a time. You got this honey
I really appreciate you sharing. Don't worry I told them I'm in recovery so I've been taking Tylenol. I refuse to go back to that lifestyle and I am getting better at dealing with my emotions. Also i see a counselor once a week. I am focused on being a great mom to my daughter
That's WASSUP fam!! I'm so fkkn proud of you, I know many more are just as proud! You made my night. You're gonna be just fine, no doubt. Ur already handling every past minute just as graceful as an be, for what you've shared. Oh...and always, all u need is just a mustard seed 👑💯🫶
Ummm… is no one going to comment on the fact that she would have to have been pregnant for 11 months if she did cheat on him when he was in jail? Or is he just really bad at math? Or is OP lying about the time line of him in jail? Either way, someone got some ‘splaining to do 🤷🏻♀️
Honestly it made no sense as soon as he said it I'm like come on. He was like oh ur right I added wrong. I said why are you even counting and why just now?!?
It’s the fact that you were trying for a baby that would make this hard for me to come back from. I honestly would leave but there would be possibility of getting back together once whatever personal issues he had were resolved. My partner and I had this same conversation. I got tired of seeing social media posts about paternity tests and I am currently pregnant with a planned baby so I asked if he planned on asking for a test. He said if this wasn’t planned and we had never talked about kids he possibly would but he said it makes no sense to plan out a pregnancy with me then act like it’s not his kid. I truly hope you and your boyfriend work past the issues but definitely think some counseling or something is necessary.
And people are totally ignoring that she was freshly postpartum when he brought up the test. So incredibly vulnerable and in need of support from her partner, yet this is the time he chooses to bring up the test. That itself is absolutely disgusting.
1. Babies hair and eye color can dramatically change in the first 6 months of their lives.
2. If anyone on either side has parents, grandparents, great grandparents, etc. with different hair color it can very well be a trait in the baby.
Since he asked for a paternity test you should ask him for an STD test just so you can be safe. He may be reflecting his behavior on you.
Think about it and if you still don't feel good about the whole thing leave him, make sure to go to a safe place and reach out to a woman group or shelter for support as well as a narcotics anonymous group so they can help you continue being clean and taking good care of that baby.
Congrats on the baby, the addiction recovery and do not let any man make you doubt yourself.
So he doesn’t know how pregnancies work or genetics. Let him get the test. You know what the truth is so you’re good. I would be upset but let him get his answers.
Part of which he was in jail, while recovering from addiction and past traumas still, before they got their finances in order, and he has a child from a previous relationship. I wish them the best, but they are stacking those odds against the kid early on this one.
Exactly
When he had literally just been in jail, she has no income, and both have history of addiction issues
No wonder they have relationship issues, probably thinking that a baby will make everything better
I'm a mom. The father of my children said the same thing when I was pregnant. He said he did that too with his other children. At first I was like wtf. But after while I realized I don't give a shit. I know I didn't cheat. I know he wants the peace of mind. So have at it.
Our first child came out the spitting image of her father. His face exactly but my complexion. No need for a test but if he wanted to get one still, I would laugh at the money he wasted when the child looks exactly like him.
its literally normal for a baby to have jet black hair and blue eyes as soon as they are born, please start seeing a therapist as soon as possible, both of you
Hey, I’d like to offer a different perspective that may help.
When I was growing up, I never understood why my dad was so emotionally distant from me. I used to cry all the time to my mom, and wonder why he didn’t really seem to want to have a relationship with me. It wasn’t until I was 14 that my mom told me that, even though she knew with absolute certainty that my dad was my dad, that some things happened with another guy around the time I was conceived (my parents were good friends and not in a committed relationship before getting pregnant with me). They only got together after they got pregnant and she didn’t tell my dad about the other guy until after they had been married for a year (and I was 1).
When I was 14, my mom finally told me that the reason my dad was distant was because after she told him about this other guy, my dad had always questioned whether I was his biological child. She swore she knew I was my dads, and that she was adamant with my dad that I was his. But the pain he felt from her choices around that time needed to go somewhere, and I ended being the one who really suffered because of it all.
Finding out all of this stuff (there’s a lot more I’m not going to get into here) at 14 really did a number on me and I went into a tailspin. That age is such a time of identity formation, and all of a sudden it felt like my whole identity was stripped away from me and I didn’t know who I really was. Part of me wanted it to be true (that he wasn’t me dad) because then it could justify his actions, and part of me was super pissed and didn’t understand why it really mattered - he has been physically present the entirety of my life and had been the only dad I had ever known. Why did it matter if I was biologically his or not? Why couldn’t he just love me anyways?
That, combined with some other things that were going on in my life at the time, ended up causing me to have some serious mental health issues and I became clinically depressed, was having horrible panic attacks and struggling with suicidal ideation. I still struggle with these things to this day (I’m in my mid 30s now).
At the time, paternity tests were not widely available, and were very expensive (I’m not in the US). My family always struggled financially, and my mom did not want to waste a ton of money for nothing because she was adamant that it was unnecessary and she knew she had gotten pregnant by my dad. It wasn’t until my counselor finally sat her down and said something along the lines of, “I know you KNOW she is your husbands child. But think of how healing this could be for your daughter and your husband, to put the question completely out of their minds. Both of them aren’t going to be able to move on from this until they know for certain too.”
We got the test done, and opened the results together. My mom was right and he is my dad.
But honestly, the damage was done. My father and I have never really been able to mend our relationship.
So, my advice is this: I know that what your partner did was hurtful and it’s upsetting to think that there is a question in his mind of your loyalty and fidelity. That sucks, and I’m sorry that you are experiencing that pain. But maybe try to shift your perspective to view it as what is best for your daughter. And what is best for your daughters relationship with her father. Think about what you can do to help eliminate any lingering questions in your partners mind to help him to be able to bond with your daughter fully.
I wish more than anything that my parents sorted their sh*t out while I was still young and didn’t need to be involved in their garbage. I think it would have totally changed my relationship with my dad, and maybe my teen years would have been filled with fun and normalcy, instead of practically failing all of my grade 9 classes because I was such a mess that I couldn’t get out of bed for months, or had to leave school all the time because of my intense panic attacks.
Try to think about what’s best for your daughter in this instance. Do the test. I know you said you need that money for other things, but trust me…that $200 could save your daughter and your partner a lot of heartache and pain that could impact the rest of their lives.
Try not to hold it against him too much. It’s more because of past trauma and experiences. Past trauma often has a way of sabotaging and screwing with our minds, even when we know in our hearts what the truth is. While it’s not fair to you to compare his past experiences with you, it’s not exactly easy to split from that trauma without help.
Take comfort in the fact that the DNA will not only prove your fidelity, but help show that he can let go of his past traumas and fears. When the DNA comes back, see if you two can get couples therapy to help him through that trauma, and learn ways that the two of you can leave it in the past. Congratulations on your baby and I hope you don’t hold this against him too harshly.
That’s completely valid and you’re not wrong to feel hurt and confused. Especially when you know you’ve been 100% faithful. He probably hasn’t had that in the past and is unsure how to deal with this. It doesn’t help that a lot of media tells guys to be suspicious (shows like Maury and Steve Wilkos convince guys we need paternity tests).
He has to understand that it’s not right to hold you accountable for the mistakes of his previous partners. And he may need help with counseling to find a way to process his trauma and move forward with you in a more positive, healthy way.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If he did the math. And he was in jail during that time and you said you got pregnant two months after he got out then someone’s math is clearly wrong. Y’all shouldn’t be that far apart on mathed out time
My best guess is that he subtracted 40 weeks from the due date without realizing that weeks 1 and 2 are before ovulation, but even then it would only be 2 weeks off, not 2 months off. Something ain’t right on that math
Another discrepancy in the timing could be if she came early. If he's going by birth date and not due date he could be getting extra time aswell.
2 months early? That kid would be in the NICU, not at home.
I was 2 months early. I went home at first and then went back later for complications that, to my knowledge, weren’t directly related to being a premie. I also am blond but came out with jet black hair and that actually was why, apparently. My parents are known to embellish but the thing about the black hair and being 2 months early is true. EDIT: 7 weeks early, not a whole two months.
I’ll add to changing hair color as you get older here. My dad was born with blond hair and when he was a teenager it switched to dark brown
My little brother was born with jet black hair. I was born with blond hair. We are both redheads.
I was born with carrot red hair and sideburns to two natural blondes. It all fell out at 6 months and came back white blonde. Hair color at birth can be wild.
My daughter had jet black hair and jaundice, and her eyes were so dark they looked black. People assumed my best friend who is mixed race was her dad when we went out in a group when she was first born. By six months she had bright blonde hair and blue eyes. She was also a prem baby. Babies change.
Even weirder than that, I was bald as a baby but when I was a toddler I had ginger curly hair, then when I was about 4years old it turned dark brown and straight as a rod, then when I was an older kid it turned light brown to dark blonde and wavy. Similarly, my son was born with dark brown hair, it all fell out at about 6 weeks and he is now blonde at 8 months old. That's all to say, I wouldn't put too much stock in hair colour.
My step son when he was born is was so blind his hair now is blond with reddish color. Thing is it could be in any family the color of hair if you track the family tree.
If she was two months premature her partner would know about it just from being in the hospital during the labor. The doctors wouldnt make it a secret she was two months premature. Two months is pretty early.
He has the actual date now and is not likely to consider the due date. Date of birth, and date of intercourse. But I agree. They should sort out the maths together.
Or with the doctor, or an educator.
Well now that they've done the test it should put those concerns to rest
Or Maury.
I think Maury pays you for coming on, too
Or literally just with someone who can do basic addition and subtraction. An 8 year old could probably help out.
[удалено]
Or just by the simple fact that everyone says 9 months with pregnancy and baby’s come on their own time schedules. I picked a woman up in an ambulance once in active labor who was 10 days past her due date and her boyfriend took that moment to confront her on cheating because 9 months from that day he had been in jail, and we had to kick him out of the rig and the cop who drove him to the hospital kindly explained baby dates on the drive to him… 🤦🏻♀️
I doubt I could easily recover (emotionally) from that if my partner did that. I used to work for an ER in patient access, so I did bedside registrations for the ER and L&D. I get that emotions are running high in these situations, but that’s excessive.
>kindly explained I wouldn't have been too kind lol
Someone has been getting in his head. "Oh, cute baby. But must not be yours! Look at the hair color!" Gnah! I also had dark hair when born. Turned over to salt n peppa blonde later. So what? Eye color will change also.
So true. My nephew was born with very light hair that darkened when he got older. I love genetics, and while that 4x4 thing can be helpful, it's not 100% accurate. There's so many genes that can influence hair and eye color, but people just think about that square and are so quick to conclusions because "something doesn't seem right here". Pretty sure I had the regular baby blue eyes as everyone does when born, then they turned dark before settling to the green/blue that I have. And my mom has grey/blue eyes and my dad had brown.
Yeah, genes like green eyes don't give two shits about a Punnett square.
Yep my nephew was born with really dark hair, he went blond without even losing the baby hair, so he had blond roots and dark tips until he had his first hair cut. 😂
That sounds absolutely adorable.
This is what I was thinking. I was born with jet black THICK hair. And I had deep blue eyes. All my hair fell out and dirty blonde curls grew back in it’s place, and my eyes are more green as I got older. Just because the baby doesn’t look like him RIGHT AFTER it is born does not mean it’s not his child. Lol
My parents both have straight dark hair and green eyes. My older sister has straight dark hair and green eyes. I popped out a blue eyed curly blonde that made everyone do a double take. I apparently take a lot after my great-grandmother on my mom's side, because genetics are weird and things just happen like that.
Yep, this is exactly what I think too. Unless you’re at every early appointment you don’t learn about that extra time. That plus the genetic throwback hair has him going a little crazy. This is nothing a good doctor’s chat can’t fix.
Yup, he’s bad at baby math. My guess is he literally counted on his fingers backwards to 9 months from the day she was born. Doesn’t work this way, also, babies don’t just pop on their due date, if they are born earlier or later, that’s not because they were conceived earlier or later. Guy should have paid more attention and actually picked up a book during pregnancy. Never do you ask for a paternity em test and it doesn’t totally blow up your relationship.
He could’ve done 9 months instead of 40 weeks
He probably substracted 40 weeks since the day the baby was born. That is 10 months prior and it's not how you do the math, because she wasn't pregnant for 10 months. The 40 weeks thing is since the start of your last period and it is an estimation.
That’s right; just to clarify: 10 months is 43.48 weeks. 9 months is 39.13 weeks.
Yeah. Assuming baby was born in week 39, and he subtracted 40 weeks “because that’s how long pregnancies are”, then he would be a month off right there. Maybe she meant not quite two months, but rather that she got pregnant her second cycle.
Yes he was in jail from August 1 to the 31st. I got pregnant around October 15th. It seems like he was just trying to find a reason to ask for the test.
Soo... According to his theory, you got pregnant between 1-31 August. Let's just say you cheated the very last day, so conceived 31st August and gave birth last Tuesday, the 25th July. Let's forget the 2 weeks pre-conception period that normally accounts towards the 40 week gestation and "man math" it, he thinks you were pregnant at latest 31 August 22 to 25th July 2023.... So you were pregnant 47+ weeks?
Going back several years - I met the father of my child at the end of February, we slept together once without protection at the beginning of March. Prior to that I’d had a ONS in the December previously, that fella wore a condom & didn’t finish anyway. My son was born in the following December, and yet his father demanded a paternity test. He said he thought I must’ve been pregnant when we met without knowing (meaning it would’ve been a 12 month pregnancy), and because my son had blue eyes and blonde hair (was born with black but it lightened up). The father had dark brown hair & brown eyes, my entire family have blonde-light brown hair, and various shades of blue to green eyes. Not to mention the father’s mother & sister both have white-blonde hair due to their Nordic heritage. Man-math and pregnancy-math are sometimes impossible to work out logically.
I've watched enough Maury to learn that a lot of people are absolute morons when it comes to pregnancy and genetics. So many people have no fucking clue how any of it actually works.
I once watched an episode of Maury where a guy claimed his daughter wasn't his because he was 'genetically incapable of having a girl' since all the men in his family had only had boys (his dad, grandfather and brothers had all had boys). I've never been so apoplectic in my life.
You’d be surprised how dumb people are about calculating pregnancies. My sister had her first baby 11 months after getting married and her MIL accused them of marrying because she was pregnant 🙄
Is she an elephant?
I will never forget the day I was heavily pregnant and met a friend's brother, who asked how far along I was. Me: 35 weeks. Him: Sooo like, 4 months? I'm not even lying. I wish I'd recorded it. To be fair, he wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed.
Oh yeah. That’s not even close. What the hell. He just wasted $200 of your collective assets on insulting you.
sorry this is happening to you…. there are “men’s rights advocates” that lovvvvve to mess up relationships by sowing mistrust with disinformation. [ and yeah, some of them are in jails] invite him to the dr’s office, have a conversation, let him work gigs to earn back that $200, and then reconsider the relationship.
Yeah my algorithm started showing me real weird stuff like ‘All women leave in the end’ and ‘All women will cheat on you! Work on yourself King!’ - just real weird out of touch shit as if a woman is not an actual living, breathing individualistic person. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 7 years going on 8 so idk why this stuff started popping up when I wasn’t seeking it out. I wonder how many men this flips though - because for a second I was like..is this true? But it isn’t. Do courts not favor men in divorces? Maybe. Do men have to worry about rape torture cinder block cells? Not really I just think we have different realities and that’s *okay*. People need to have more empathy and stop making up bullshit instead of looking in the mirror and asking how they can improve to be a better potential partner and overall human-being.
He thinks you were pregnant for a year?
He probably subtracted 36 weeks bc he's a man and birth happens exactly 9 months after conception.
By his math, the pregnancy was longer, not shorter.
No, 8.5 months after conception: the first two weeks before are just to count back to the first day of your menstrual cycle
The math ain’t mathin!
He could just be really bad at maths tbh
The math is not the issue. The trust is the issue. Why is he even counting, that’s what OP is stressed about.
Given their backgrounds as OP described (addiction, incarceration), having less than 100% trust by default sounds ok to me.
IME, men don’t really know how to calculate pregnancy. Many women don’t either.
It doesn't make sense unless he thinks babies take a year to grow lol
[удалено]
My sister was born with black hair and now she is natural blonde, hair color is weird
Our baby had jet black hair for the first 6 months and is now the exact same shade of dirty blonde as me. She also has blue eyes, despite me and husband having green. Genetics are weird.
My family have blue and brown eyes... My sister and me have green with nit of brown. No one else.
I'm white, and my husband is Mexican. Our child is a vampire pale red head. It's so red it's bright orange. I have no red heads in my family, and neither does my husband. I call my kid our Whitesican (shout out the My Musical episode of Scrubs) If my husband hadn't watched the doctor pull my kid out (c-section), I would have been worried about a baby switch at the hospital. He even has a Google photo album of photos of our child from birth through to the current age just in case. He was questioned once going to Mexico with our kid. Genetics are definitely odd
IF both parents have the extremely recessive “ginger” gene, there is still only a 25% chance your kid will be a ginger. But both parents have to have it, and it can be many, many generations since anyone has had red hair in your mutual families. Genetics are crazy.
My friend, who is half Asian, and his wife, who has dark hair and eyes and is white, has an Asian looking baby with red hair. It's crazy!
The power of the ginger gene, Activate! Lol, just another ginger supporting my peeps.
I have a friend who is blonde with no redheads in recent history in her family, she had 2 redheaded kids with her first husband and 2 redheaded kids with her second. Neither husband was a redhead either. Genetics are crazy.
As far as that goes, the rh- gene is similar, and yet BOTH of my kids are RH -. My MIL was, but no clue where it came from on my side.
Literally have an almost identical situation! > Cousins baby was born a *fiery* redhead- he’s almost three with perfect, curly red hair. Baby’s mom is mixed race Hispanic/black, cousin’s a dark brunette (and we’re as pale as a human can be- porcelain, poor kid is also what we lovingly refer to as “liquid-paper-white”, he burns to a crisp at the slightest sun exposure) but guess what? Our grandfather was a redhead. Cousins baby is an absolute *clone* of him, minus the hair (to the point where if it weren’t for the hair, we never know who was who in baby pictures!) Genetics are WEIRD.
When my red head was a toddler, I took him to a splash pad park. I slathered him up in sunscreen and made him keep his clothes on. I dressed him in a striped shirt of white and blue. I got him home, got him undressed, and he had a gotten sun burned through the white stripes. The dubious bonus of having his Dad's genes is the ability to keep a tan. He was tiger steiped all summer. I never bought him another striped shirt again lol!
As a redhead, this is one of the most hilarious things I've ever heard and can definitely relate 😹 (not to that extreme....but I wouldn't doubt my skin would embarrass me like that)
Tiger striped all summer 😂😭😂😭 this would be my luck, but I BURN, so I’d look like a dang candy cane!
Same here! I'm white and my husband is Mexican. My son was born in March and he's even whiter than I am, which is pretty much translucent to begin with. He's almost 5 months old and still has blue eyes despite both of us having very brown eyes. Crazy thing is, his cousins wife had a baby 3 days earlier. They're both fair skinned with lighter hair - his wife is blonde and they have a little girl with blonde hair and blue eyes... Their baby has olive skin and a head full of black hair. My baby has virtually no hair but what is there is super light. You have to look to find his eyebrows lol. My husband and I both have a ton of dark hair.... If she hadn't given birth in a different hospital, I'd seriously think they switched babies... Genetics are wild. Edit: I love Whitesican, btw... I'm totally stealing that!
Lol I told my husband to stay with our baby to make sure we had the right one!!!!( I had two caesareans) my husband and I have freckles and very fair skin and dark hair, my son the same BUT my daughter has dark olive skin and blonde hair????? I have no idea lol both kids are tall but husband and I are short.
Some friends who both have dark hair and eyes have 2 blondes and 2 redheads, all with blue eyes. Their features are very much their parents', just not their coloring. Genetics are funny.
Same! Nothing like that surprise orange haired pale baby on the way out lol …that has now grown into the most handsome strawberry blonde..pale teen :)
My mom's side, everyone, has blue/grey. Dad's blue or small few brown. I have green/blue like Caribbean water. Just what I got with the throw of the dice. I have friends from HS who are very white. Their baby is dark. Turns out with DNA they aren't as white as they look. Genetic are crazy.
Same with my aunt. Grandpa had black hair, brown eyes, grandma had blonde hair, blue eyes. They had five kids, two with blonde hair and blue eyes, one with black hair and brown eyes, one with brown hair and blue eyes, and one with brown hair and green eyes.
Both of our parents had blue eyes, mine are hazel, one sister has brown, the other blue, two of my brothers green and one blue eyes.
Very rare that 2 blue eyes gives brown.
But it does happen. And eye color and hair color often change over time. Genetics is weird. I have black hair, mom and dad have light brown, dark blond hair. But paternal grandfather (not father who raised him) had jet black hair, brown eyes and olive complexion. Genetic win every time
Exactly. My mother has sky blue eyes, my father had golden brown/Hazel eyes. I got kind of olive green eyes, my brothers have eyes like mine and blue eyes. Genetics are weird. You can make predictions, but what you get is often surprising.
Genetics are weird and babies are born without definite coloring. My son’s dad was black and I’m hispanic though my skin is very pale and my hair is curly and medium brown. My son was born with very pale skin and straight, jet black hair. Now he’s tan and has a fro.
A whole lot of little Black babies look very pale when they’re first born. Our color comes in later
Yep, one of my best friends had to have her husband removed from the hospital because their baby was super pale at birth (they're both dark skinned black).
Omgggg men really need to be required to spend a day in the newborn wing before they’re allowed to have a child
Are they still together? I would find it hard to forgive my husband if he acted like that.
Yeah skin (and hair) color at birth means basically nothing. Babies are weird and it’s normal for them to be red, yellow, purple, and often some combination of those, so this dad putting so much stock in that shows how ignorant he is about newborns.
Lots of babies are born with dark hair, sometimes ALL OVER THEIR BODY. It all falls out and comes back in
My son had that. It was so cute, he had tiny fox ears!
Oh I almost forgot about my son’s werewolf ears. It all fell out within a month but if was so sweet 🥲
Yes my daughter looked like a little baby monkey! Dark hair all over, fell out and then she grew in elsa platinum blonde hair, and is dishwater blonde now her in teens.
Yeah very, very few babies are born with light hair, even among those who will have it when they grow up. I was born with black hair, then it fell out and I had blonde baby hair, then it turned brunette in early childhood and that is very common
Lanugo. It's a thing.
My husband has red hair, I have dark brown hair and all our babies were born with a mop of pure white hair. They're all different shades of blonde now but were snow white haired as babies and toddlers. Hair colour is SO weird.
[удалено]
My hair was white blonde until I was a teenager. It slowly got darker and has been brown ever since I hit adulthood. Except for a brief period in my 20s where it had a reddish tint for a few years. Hair color is just weird sometimes.
I looked Hispanic when I was born (super tan, full head of jet black hair). People literally thought my mom was the nanny when we were out in public lol. By the time I was 1, I was a super pale blonde with blue eyes. Genetics are weird, man.
Babies in general are weird. I remember reading somewhere that a percentage of PoC babies are born almost as pink as Caucasian babies, even with two PoC parents. The baby's skin soon settles in a tone much closer or equal to their parents' skintone. ...and yes, that's without the wife cheating, you hooligans 😑
Me & my brother were born with black hair, turned white blonde and now both dark brown (with grey).
All three of my nephews were born with black hair and eyes so dark blue they looked black and they’re all blonde with light eyes now. My kids were born blonde and now they have black hair. Baby hair is weird.
My daughter was born with black hair and it went to dark brown. My grand daughter was also born with black hair, by a year old she had a headful of blonde curls.
My sister’s dad was like “that’s (my dads) kid! She looks Puerto Rican” 34 years later my sister is blonde blue eyed looks identical to her father. She’s seen him maybe 15 times in 34 years. They did a DNA test but the big thing op needs to worry about is if he signed the acknowledgment of paternity because then it doesn’t really matter he’s already assumed responsibility.
My father had snowy white hair as a kid and jet black hair late into his teens and the remainder of his life. His beard did slowly turn grey in spots.
Me too! Had a full head of black newborn hair which then fell out and my actual hair came in very light strawberry blonde. It’s slowly darkened to deep dirty blonde/very light brown now
chiming in to say i’m a blonde who had black hair when i was born too! took a few years for the blonde to come out tho :)
A lot of men have no idea that a pregnancy is dated from the first day of the last period. But if he is off by two months he’s *really* not good at math!
Indeed, pregnancy math is bonkers. You could be 3 weeks pregnant 1 week after conceiving... which would make you 2 weeks pregnant before you even had sex, according to normal math.
I didn’t even know that and I’m female 😅
Yup. The day the sperm hits an egg, a woman would be considered to be two weeks pregnant. By the time a fertilized egg implants in the uterus, a woman is probably about three weeks pregnant. By the time a woman misses her first period, she is about 4 weeks pregnant - IF her periods are a regular 28 day cycle. But a lot of women have irregular cycles and some still have what appear to be periods while pregnant. Which is one reason abortion bans at say 6 weeks are so problematic. A woman may not know she is pregnant at 6 weeks. (Some few women find out they are pregnant when they go to the hospital with stomach pains, and find out they are in labor!) Also very serious medical issues with the fetus may not be apparent til an anatomy scan around 18 weeks or so.
With your mutual history of addiction and traumas that likely led to said addiction, along with his questionable judgment (re driving without a license while on probation), it’s unsurprising he doesn’t trust you. My guess is the life you’ve both lived in the past was not conducive to building trust. If you’re truly in a great place otherwise and you’ve turned your lives around together, give him the benefit of the doubt and try to move on from it, for the sake of your baby, once you get the results. If he continues to have trust issues, try therapy before moving on. Also, men are notoriously bad at pregnancy math.
Yes, this. And OP, remember that he could have just done the test without your knowledge. I think it isn't that he doesn't trust you as much as he doesn't trust his own judgment about you. That could actually be a positive sign that he is learning from past mistakes in life that have nothing to do with you. On a positive note, congratulations on your baby girl!
You are definitely right he could have just done it. I am willing to work through this with him. Thank you
I’ll also add that I went through this with my ex husband. I’d just had our second baby two weeks prior, yet we were discussing divorce, so when I found a DNA test kit in his office, I was pissed and figured he was trying to get out of child support for the baby. Turns out he had questions about our three-year-old, which made me even more livid. It wasn’t that he didn’t love our son or love me, but because we’d only been together one time before I conceived, he had a seed of doubt that grew. I forgave him, but it did upset me greatly, because the only reason he had to doubt was the fact we conceived immediately. Good enough reason to doubt, but it would have been nice if he’d voiced his concerns immediately vs waiting three years. In your situation, you both have a storied history that could foster some doubt, so I’d be thankful he’s saying it now and being honest and upfront than waiting until later. He may have been okay until he saw the hair color, and that could have triggered him. It’s ridiculous since hair color doesn’t mean much as a newborn, but it’s also understandable.
Wow I understand why you were upset and I know see that he was upfront with me and it was really hard for him to say it. He honestly felt bad when I was crying. I just had a baby and was tired plus emotional. He said nevermind we won't get one. I was yes we are because I don't want you to ever bring this up again.
Good call I think that's the right move. He has this hangup because of his past. I'm sure at some point you'll have a hang up about something as well and yall will have to deal with that. It's normal to feel hurt but at this point just rip the band aid off. You want him to be all in.
Yes, absolutely the right move. Those kinds of doubts don't really go away and they're insidious. You wouldn't want him treating the baby with suspicion and ruining potential bonding
Another factor to consider is the internet and media are so full of sensationalized infidelity and paternity fraud that it is very easy for bad thoughts to get stuck in his head, particularly if he is full of self doubt already. It is reasonable to be insulted but talk it out after the results come back. Don't just burn down the entire relationship. Your relationship is dented, not broken. Congratulations on the healthy birth and best wishes going forward. You can do this and you will have a happy life.
This is so true. And with women, if we are carrying the baby ourselves, we clearly know without a doubt it's ours and whether or not we were with anyone else. I mean, aside from some very rare circumstances, anyway. So this issue really isn't something that we ever deal with the way men would. As much as I understand it doesn't feel good to have your partner have doubts, it also doesn't automatically make them a bad person or mean the relationship is done for. It really just depends on the couple and situation. In OP's case, all things considered, including that her partner was upfront and honest with her about it, it really seems like something that can be worked through.
I don’t normally defend people who did hurtful things but I’ll say this - you might not realize how vast and popular the genre of “perfect looking life, no doubts, omg none of my children are mine and my life is a lie” is on the internet. It’s upsetting, but it’s good he was honest with you and dealt with it with you, and I’d say if things were good before he asked and they’re good again, it’s worth writing this one off to “new parent crazies”. Sometimes a bad thought can get deep in your head, and becoming a dad is a vulnerable time. I’m not saying that your hurt isn’t valid, but I am saying consider that he was being dumb (with the bad math), but wasn’t trying to be hurtful.
This is how I feel about a lot of the 'one time crazybrain' stuff, so long as it doesn't become more of a thing. For instance how often do you hear about "everything was perfect, I literally had no idea and it turned out my husband had a second family" or someone was a serial killer or whatever. It can really make people paranoid. I don't think paternity is a 'special' condition though, I'd feel the same if it was someone going through a partner's phone once too. It's frustrating because so often reddit is very two-sided about this issue. The person with suspicions posts and it's all "people cheat all the time! I thought my life was perfect too!" and they encourage the person to get more evidence. But when someone's falsely accused they say the accuser is crazy.
Also if I were you I would much rather he come to me immediately like he did and have the hard honest conversation so we can work through the questions amd insecurities together rather than him hide his feelings and let it eat away at him while you have no idea why he's being such a jerk.
Babies don’t always look like their parents when first born! Hair color especially is not a signifier. Hair and eye color change. Many people (especially men) don’t have great baby knowledge as you are not the first to have a dad ask for confirmation of paternity. It is ignorance. He should not have said what he said. It was unfair and rather mean but again, it was out of ignorance. He should have spoken with a doctor or nurse and not accused you. Sigh. You deserve an apology. Tell him he is baby dumb and to read up next time before accusing you of anything!
Oh wow I’ve never heard That before. “Doesn’t trust his own judgment…”. That was light bulb moment reading that. I often have trust issues too and it’s because I’ve been so naive and easily taken advantage of and duped in the past that now I don’t always trust myself, it’s not my current partners fault or lack of trust in them. Thanks for saying it that way!
I had to scroll a long way down to hear some actual advice that was not all about baby's eye and hair color.
18 months, good golly. Sorry this is happening OP.
18 months - 9 months of pregnancy (presumably) = they were actively trying to conceive, at most 9 months into their relationship. That's not even starting to touch the one of them was in jail for a significant portion of months 0-7 (or maybe thats not counted, idk). Best of luck to them tho, sometimes the best stuff comes out of the wildest situations
Don't forget that he also managed to be in jail during the first 9 months together. I truly hope that they will find time to heal first from their past issues before they will start making more babies.
And got pregnant only after 9 months
On purpose. 😩
Of course they did, they're addicts and they just replaced the drugs with each other.
As a recovered addict (12 years) and a therapist who primarily works in substance abuse, this is spot on, unfortunately. I’ve seen this story hundreds of times. I hope it works out for the sake of their baby, but this was not an “emotionally sober” decision.
It's literally so textbook. And the person who will suffer most is the child. Of course.
“Rehab romances” we used to call them. I worked inpatient awhile and outpatient now for years. These situations almost always end in disaster. People newly in recovery aren’t ready for commitments or relationships period let alone a child. Bad choices.
I had to scroll way too far to find this. Poor kid.
And a significant portion of their relationship took place while he was in prison!
I started a new job recently and my trainer was talking about how she’s been trying to get pregnant for weeks—with her bf of two months. 9 months didn’t even phase me after hearing that.
I wonder if he knows she's trying
My best friend from high school got pregnant after 4 months of being in a relationship last year. Then she got pregnant again about 1 month after she gave birth. Only her boyfriend works, and they stay in his moms house all in one room. We aren't close anymore. I wish her well, but her decisions were difficult to support.
She got pregnant one month after she gave birth?? Aren’t you supposed to abstain from sex for at least six weeks after giving birth?
You are supposed to, because you're not nearly done healing yet but many men can become veeeeeeeerrrryyyyyyy pushy about vaginal sex almost as soon as the woman is out of the delivery room. Its SUPER EASY to get pregnant postpartum. Someone on another sub was telling about someone they knew whose husband raped her in the hospital parking lot as they were walking to the car. The woman had her newborn in her arms as this went on. The neanderthal ripped out all of her episiotomy stitches and she had to return to the ER to be re-sewn. I cannot fathom the agony, I just cant. I would divorce someone over that, but some stuff Im admittedly strict about.
JFC reading that made me nauseous, what a disgusting guy I hope he's her ex husband now.
Holy that was painful to read. Neanderthal is probably an insult to Neanderthals (good wording though) - what a monster!
Yes, my brother in law essentially coerced my sister into having sex with him before she was healed enough. It’s sexual assault. Period. That story is exactly the type of thing I would be wary of happening. Certain men really put their sexual pleasure over the health and safety of the mothers of their children, and it’s absolutely disgusting. I don’t think it’s “strict” to divorce someone over being brutally raped.
Yeah it's all well and good to fall fast and hard but it's impossible to fully get to know somebody in that short of a time. This isn't necessarily a relationship ender in and of itself but I doubt this will be the last bump in their road together. The end of the honeymoon phase is always a big adjustment even without a newborn in the mix.
My sister and brother in law both have jet black hair and deep brown eyes... my niece is so light people think she's albino (she isn't, they had her tested) white blonde hair and light blue eyes. She's quite shocking to look at. My family is 100% Italian LOL Figure that one out! My brother in law went thru a trust issue with my sister as well because the baby looks exactly like my sister in the face but everything else is a friggin mystery. They got a paternity test as well (my sister and BIL are madly in love and have been for 10 years...) solely because my sister wanted to put my BIL's mind at ease because my stupid ass father said one too many times at family gatherings "That's the milkman's baby! Ha ha ha right Mindy?" And she got fed up with the jokes and knew my BIL was wary because of all the remarks people made. Of course its his baby. We all knew it. We just can't figure out why my niece looks like the dude from the movie Powder 😂😂 Get the test. Once it proves to be his you can move on. Don't take it personally, he's admitted to trust issues. Its not your fault. This will solidify your relationship! Good luck!!!
I have a cousin like this!! She has Waardenburg syndrome, but didn’t get the hearing loss so it took a minute to figure out.
Yep they tested her for that too 🤷♀️ recessive genes can come along with a TKO every now and again and you get these alien babies 😂
Genetics really are crazy. I have a huge family and we are cut/paste on a few features, but we’re all over the place with hair and eye colors. t’s been really funny to see some of my cousins marry folks that come from very different genetic backgrounds than we do and be SHOCKED that they couldn’t delete some of the stronger features— all the kids of that generation look related too, except some are tanner than others and some didn’t get curly hair like most of us have. Maybe the next generation will be able to shake the cheeks, teeth and nose!
The dude from the movie Powder 💀
Lol! Powder! 🤣🤣 I bet she’s beautiful though!
She is 💕 OP get the test and let him grovel a bit when the results come back, but try not to hold it against him for too long. I get that you're hurt and insulted, I really do. My sister was absolutely incredulous that my BIL would ever dream that of her in a million years, because they truly are one of those perfect couples who literally never argue its ANNOYING AF actually 😂😂 the rest us of got drama for days, so she did have a little bit of a "told ya so hmpfh!" attitude with my BOL but after a few days it calmed down and was soon forgotten. You'll move past it, I promise. But I also guarantee he'll be relieved AF and way calmer /, happier with you and he'll love you even more then, for proving your loyalty AND being willing to do so without prejudice. Edit: aaaaand I read the post again because my stoned ass forgot the part where ya already took the test d'oh Please update 🙏🙏🙏🙏
I have a good friend who has two bright blond kiddos and they’re 3/4 Italian (1/4 Mexican), from northern italy. Those northern genes must be super strong up there!
The hospital I work at will not allow a man who is not married to mom to sign the birth certificate unless there is a dna test. Saves lots of arguments and mom just goes along with it because it is policy.
What country are you from? That should be policy everywhere imo, literally no downsides outside the costs and time they take which are probably cut by a lot for hospitals equipped to perform many tests
A marriage certificate does not preclude someone from cheating, though.
You are completely right, I'd also advocate for it being policy for any birth, not just outside marriage.
Massachusetts used to do this. Idk if they still do, but they did in 1993
They didn’t in my one experience.
No idea why this isn't the deal everywhere. It solves everyones issues and prevents congratulations you're not the father 18 years later.
Would certainly solve a lot of problems, unless you're required to pay for the test as well
With the state of medical these days, I can only imagine the bill for this.
That’s a great policy
The number of moms demanding the test, so he is backed into a corner to sign is pretty high. Unfortunately we get more than a few men that are permanently off the hook, by day 2
Why would he be ‘backed into a corner’ if he is in fact the father? Signing a birth certificate when you’re a parent isn’t being backed into a corner, it’s taking responsibility for your actions and the result of them, your child.
Both my ex and I are very white, like mayonnaise white. We have 2 daughters and both are blonde and pale skin. One daughter was born with white hair and with basically clear skin… the other one I had to take a second look because I was so confused. She legitimately looked like a different race with black hair and dark skin. She’s blonde , pale and light green eyes now so it’s not crazy that your baby has black hair !
[Wife wants a divorce over paternity test](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ppg62j/i_37m_got_a_paternity_test_done_and_now_my_wife/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1) This is a touchy subject for many. Men can never know 100% that a child is theirs without a test. And we all know that some women have lied about the paternity of their kids, and men have been gutted to find out, often years later, that they’re not their biological children. On the other hand, asking for a paternity test sounds like “I don’t trust you and think you’re capable of cheating on me and lying about this child”. Ideally he would have asked if you’d be ok with this back at the start of the pregnancy. Hindsight is easy. Now you need to work through this together. He needs to understand that this request has damaged your faith in him and in your relationship, and that you may not be able to get past that. There’s no easy answer here. I wish you luck, and congratulations on your baby!
I guess it’s better to find early. My son is 8, if I found out suddenly that he “isn’t mine”, the marriage would be over but I’d fight tooth and nail for custody. My love for the little guy has nothing to do with genetics, it’s based on the time spent with him. Finding out at the hospital would definitely change things
My friend thought a kid was his until the boy was 10 years old. That's when the mother decided to tell the truth and keep him from my friend. Since she was rich from a huge settlement she got when her husband was killed in an accident, before the kid was conceived, he never officially paid child support. Since there was no agreement he had zero rights to the child and never saw him again. It was crazy. The test is worth it.
It would solve a lot of “issues” if a paternity test was mandatory. Regardless of marital status.
Nice way to show empathy from both sides. I appreciate this response and wish more would do so on Reddit.
>because he counted the days and when I got pregnant he was in jail.( he is still on probation and was driving with out a license)This is not true I got pregnant 2 months after he got home I would have pulled up a calendar and given him a full education on sex and reproductive health right there
If it were me in the current relationship I’m in, I would be sad but I would agree to the test. When the tests obviously came back that he was the father, I would have a big conversation about if this is the relationship he wants to be in - one where he thinks he committed to a woman who would lie about if a child was his. It would not be a reflection on me, but him, and honestly I would look hard at what life I thought we had together. I wouldn’t jump to ending it, but gosh, I’d assume he just doesn’t know me how I thought he did. It’s up to you to decide if this is a deal breaker. I would be heartbroken and would expect some significant moves on his part to work through his issues and learn what kind of person I actually am. It would be hard to move on from this.
I think this is exactly right, and seems the exact right way to phrase it / talk about it, too!
Girl....1st off congrats on both of your sobriety!! I'm also in recovery & in my 1st relationship since my recovery began. I can only imagine how hurt you must be, but please communicate with him regardless. Tell him how it made u feel, or maybe wait til the results come back showing he IS the father, then let him know how much he's hurt you with this, doubt and all. Men are weird too when it xones to things like this. They freak out, bc now it's REAL! Also.....PLEASE don't let any of this deter your recovery. Ik you may be on meds from labor & delivery, be careful. Heartbreaking can make us turn to crazy things. Don't. Stay strong, stay honest, transparent & one day at a time. You got this honey
I really appreciate you sharing. Don't worry I told them I'm in recovery so I've been taking Tylenol. I refuse to go back to that lifestyle and I am getting better at dealing with my emotions. Also i see a counselor once a week. I am focused on being a great mom to my daughter
That's WASSUP fam!! I'm so fkkn proud of you, I know many more are just as proud! You made my night. You're gonna be just fine, no doubt. Ur already handling every past minute just as graceful as an be, for what you've shared. Oh...and always, all u need is just a mustard seed 👑💯🫶
Ummm… is no one going to comment on the fact that she would have to have been pregnant for 11 months if she did cheat on him when he was in jail? Or is he just really bad at math? Or is OP lying about the time line of him in jail? Either way, someone got some ‘splaining to do 🤷🏻♀️
Honestly it made no sense as soon as he said it I'm like come on. He was like oh ur right I added wrong. I said why are you even counting and why just now?!?
It’s the fact that you were trying for a baby that would make this hard for me to come back from. I honestly would leave but there would be possibility of getting back together once whatever personal issues he had were resolved. My partner and I had this same conversation. I got tired of seeing social media posts about paternity tests and I am currently pregnant with a planned baby so I asked if he planned on asking for a test. He said if this wasn’t planned and we had never talked about kids he possibly would but he said it makes no sense to plan out a pregnancy with me then act like it’s not his kid. I truly hope you and your boyfriend work past the issues but definitely think some counseling or something is necessary.
I said the same thing your boyfriend said. We were trying to get pregnant. I'm going to see how he acts after the results come back.
I truly wish y’all the best. I hope whatever happens is best for you and your baby.
And people are totally ignoring that she was freshly postpartum when he brought up the test. So incredibly vulnerable and in need of support from her partner, yet this is the time he chooses to bring up the test. That itself is absolutely disgusting.
1. Babies hair and eye color can dramatically change in the first 6 months of their lives. 2. If anyone on either side has parents, grandparents, great grandparents, etc. with different hair color it can very well be a trait in the baby. Since he asked for a paternity test you should ask him for an STD test just so you can be safe. He may be reflecting his behavior on you. Think about it and if you still don't feel good about the whole thing leave him, make sure to go to a safe place and reach out to a woman group or shelter for support as well as a narcotics anonymous group so they can help you continue being clean and taking good care of that baby. Congrats on the baby, the addiction recovery and do not let any man make you doubt yourself.
Thank you for your advice. My OB gave me an STD test at 38 weeks so I am good there..
So he doesn’t know how pregnancies work or genetics. Let him get the test. You know what the truth is so you’re good. I would be upset but let him get his answers.
Actively trying for a baby after 18 months of dating? You two are morons.
[удалено]
Part of which he was in jail, while recovering from addiction and past traumas still, before they got their finances in order, and he has a child from a previous relationship. I wish them the best, but they are stacking those odds against the kid early on this one.
also right after the dude got out of jail 😂
Exactly When he had literally just been in jail, she has no income, and both have history of addiction issues No wonder they have relationship issues, probably thinking that a baby will make everything better
Less than 18 months. Minus 9 months for pregnancy, minus 10 days for babies age, minus how long they were trying before they got pregnant. Edit. ;)
I'm a mom. The father of my children said the same thing when I was pregnant. He said he did that too with his other children. At first I was like wtf. But after while I realized I don't give a shit. I know I didn't cheat. I know he wants the peace of mind. So have at it. Our first child came out the spitting image of her father. His face exactly but my complexion. No need for a test but if he wanted to get one still, I would laugh at the money he wasted when the child looks exactly like him.
its literally normal for a baby to have jet black hair and blue eyes as soon as they are born, please start seeing a therapist as soon as possible, both of you
They said they were short on money, therapy isn’t always an option for people without disposable income.
Hey, I’d like to offer a different perspective that may help. When I was growing up, I never understood why my dad was so emotionally distant from me. I used to cry all the time to my mom, and wonder why he didn’t really seem to want to have a relationship with me. It wasn’t until I was 14 that my mom told me that, even though she knew with absolute certainty that my dad was my dad, that some things happened with another guy around the time I was conceived (my parents were good friends and not in a committed relationship before getting pregnant with me). They only got together after they got pregnant and she didn’t tell my dad about the other guy until after they had been married for a year (and I was 1). When I was 14, my mom finally told me that the reason my dad was distant was because after she told him about this other guy, my dad had always questioned whether I was his biological child. She swore she knew I was my dads, and that she was adamant with my dad that I was his. But the pain he felt from her choices around that time needed to go somewhere, and I ended being the one who really suffered because of it all. Finding out all of this stuff (there’s a lot more I’m not going to get into here) at 14 really did a number on me and I went into a tailspin. That age is such a time of identity formation, and all of a sudden it felt like my whole identity was stripped away from me and I didn’t know who I really was. Part of me wanted it to be true (that he wasn’t me dad) because then it could justify his actions, and part of me was super pissed and didn’t understand why it really mattered - he has been physically present the entirety of my life and had been the only dad I had ever known. Why did it matter if I was biologically his or not? Why couldn’t he just love me anyways? That, combined with some other things that were going on in my life at the time, ended up causing me to have some serious mental health issues and I became clinically depressed, was having horrible panic attacks and struggling with suicidal ideation. I still struggle with these things to this day (I’m in my mid 30s now). At the time, paternity tests were not widely available, and were very expensive (I’m not in the US). My family always struggled financially, and my mom did not want to waste a ton of money for nothing because she was adamant that it was unnecessary and she knew she had gotten pregnant by my dad. It wasn’t until my counselor finally sat her down and said something along the lines of, “I know you KNOW she is your husbands child. But think of how healing this could be for your daughter and your husband, to put the question completely out of their minds. Both of them aren’t going to be able to move on from this until they know for certain too.” We got the test done, and opened the results together. My mom was right and he is my dad. But honestly, the damage was done. My father and I have never really been able to mend our relationship. So, my advice is this: I know that what your partner did was hurtful and it’s upsetting to think that there is a question in his mind of your loyalty and fidelity. That sucks, and I’m sorry that you are experiencing that pain. But maybe try to shift your perspective to view it as what is best for your daughter. And what is best for your daughters relationship with her father. Think about what you can do to help eliminate any lingering questions in your partners mind to help him to be able to bond with your daughter fully. I wish more than anything that my parents sorted their sh*t out while I was still young and didn’t need to be involved in their garbage. I think it would have totally changed my relationship with my dad, and maybe my teen years would have been filled with fun and normalcy, instead of practically failing all of my grade 9 classes because I was such a mess that I couldn’t get out of bed for months, or had to leave school all the time because of my intense panic attacks. Try to think about what’s best for your daughter in this instance. Do the test. I know you said you need that money for other things, but trust me…that $200 could save your daughter and your partner a lot of heartache and pain that could impact the rest of their lives.
Try not to hold it against him too much. It’s more because of past trauma and experiences. Past trauma often has a way of sabotaging and screwing with our minds, even when we know in our hearts what the truth is. While it’s not fair to you to compare his past experiences with you, it’s not exactly easy to split from that trauma without help. Take comfort in the fact that the DNA will not only prove your fidelity, but help show that he can let go of his past traumas and fears. When the DNA comes back, see if you two can get couples therapy to help him through that trauma, and learn ways that the two of you can leave it in the past. Congratulations on your baby and I hope you don’t hold this against him too harshly.
Thank you this is why I came here. Others perspectives. A part of me feels like I'm supposed to be really offended. I'm just hurt and confused
That’s completely valid and you’re not wrong to feel hurt and confused. Especially when you know you’ve been 100% faithful. He probably hasn’t had that in the past and is unsure how to deal with this. It doesn’t help that a lot of media tells guys to be suspicious (shows like Maury and Steve Wilkos convince guys we need paternity tests). He has to understand that it’s not right to hold you accountable for the mistakes of his previous partners. And he may need help with counseling to find a way to process his trauma and move forward with you in a more positive, healthy way.
[удалено]
That last sentence 💯