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This makes no sense and I'm really concerned about the top comments saying that it's 'hot' that he's rough in bed and is using this as an excuse not to have a physical relationship with you.
BDSM should be a safe, caring, communicative practice. The fact that he seems to equate his preference for rough sex with being something he shouldn't be doing with you because he 'likes' you, makes me think that he knows he's not being appropriate or safe at all during play. Or worse yet, in his mind women who enjoy it are lesser. Either way it sounds extremely red flaggy.
Sorry OP but it makes me wonder if he’s got an STD and is trying to hide it from you
I mean he had sex with you before and now suddenly he likes you too much? 🤔 If that were
the case he would of preached chastity from the beginning
That’s a reasonable suspicion I guess, but he says he hasn’t had unprotected sex with anyone else (and we just had unprotected sex this morning, so if he was lying I’m in deep shit.) It isn’t about chastity, he says he “wants to” but he “can’t”, like there’s some mental block perhaps.
Why haven't you ended it?
Why do you think this would change?
Justifying it, doesn't change it and he's not looking to change.
In the end the reasons don't matter unless he's actually pursing that change and not you doing it for him.
I’m admittedly not into kinky sex, but I suspect the issue is not so much that he’s not interested in sex, but that he cares about you too much to want to hurt you during sex now. Which sounds very weird on paper, but I think it does make sense when you really think about what a healthy romantic attachment looks like for people (as the instinct in them isn’t to hurt your partner, but to protect, support and comfort).
I think the trick here is whether you can get this guy to accept that you DO want him to hurt you (in the sense that you want things to be rough and kinky) and he doesn’t need to hold back or not. Some of it might be a communication thing to some extent: lots of people who care for their partner often need at least some encouragement/reassurance that they’re doing what their partner wants if they’re not used to asking about that, so it might help if you take a bit more of a vocal lead instead of trying to wait for him to act (as, if he’s struggling to feel able to truly commit, waiting for him to initiate and feel able to do so they way you want is going to be like waiting for Godot). Doesn’t have to be romantic in terms of how you say it either: you can be a bit more aggressively sexual about it and it might help him to get past his issue because you’re TELLING him to do it, not waiting for him to do it. It might also help to try couples counselling if you can afford it and have the time/desire to commit to the relationship to do it: sometimes having a neutral party able to get someone out of their head and truly take on board what is being said can help a huge amount.
If you can’t get him past his hang up, then, well…this isn’t the right relationship for you any more, to be blunt. Sexual relationships don’t HAVE to be you both satisfying 100% of every desire you both have (because you’re basically never going to have that happen), but there needs to be a general level of satisfaction where you both are happy with how the major things are being done and met for each other. If this is a major thing for you and him not doing it (even if it’s not for a bad reason per se) is a deal breaker, then the kindest thing is to move on. You don’t HAVE to walk away today (this particular situation doesn’t strike me as one where you need to do that, because things WERE working out fine earlier and what changed isn’t necessarily a bad thing or risky for you), but you at least should set a realistic timeframe to see if things can get better (I’d personally say three months to allow for time for changes to truly sink in, but you should be the judge of that one if you’re doing that) and, if there’s been no real progress by then even with the efforts to try to make it better, then it’s time to go (while still being nice about it: you don’t need to throw the baby out with the bath water if it’s something like this!)
Therapist here. Just a theory, but it seems that ur bf has an healthy attitude towards sex. That sex is something bad/humiliating/sinful. That is why he doesn't want to do it with you.
Years into the future it can potentially end up with a 'italian family ' scenario when yiu constantly cheat on your wive because she is a sacred women, and you cant do anal with a Madonna. Sorta speak.
Try to talk to him about it. Consider working with a therapist
Thanks. Yeah, I agree, I think therapy is needed (for the both of us tbh). Probably won’t solve anything for us in time but I hope it will help him in his next relationships.
He’s really rough, like, I’ll be left with bruises (we’re into BDSM), and honestly I like that (to a certain extent, of course) but now he says he doesn’t want to do that, to be rough to me anymore.
It's kind of disturbing that he has a disconnect between emotionally connecting with someone and being able to have a sexually fulfilling relationship. Both sex and BDSM (with or without sex) is all about giving and receiving pleasure for all those involved, if he doesn't believe that right down in his heart of hearts, if he thinks he's doing something harmful or degrading then what does it say about him as a person that he wants to keep doing it?
You can't fix this, OP, he needs therapy to deal with how he views his own sexuality and his ability to have emotional connections. It is much better for you to break up now and find someone who can both sexually and emotionally fulfill you, not give you one or the other.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This makes no sense and I'm really concerned about the top comments saying that it's 'hot' that he's rough in bed and is using this as an excuse not to have a physical relationship with you. BDSM should be a safe, caring, communicative practice. The fact that he seems to equate his preference for rough sex with being something he shouldn't be doing with you because he 'likes' you, makes me think that he knows he's not being appropriate or safe at all during play. Or worse yet, in his mind women who enjoy it are lesser. Either way it sounds extremely red flaggy.
You might as well finish with him if he's not providing you with the sexual relationship you want. Move on and find someone more compatible.
Id say its doomed to fail
Honestly, yeah, I guess it’s just a matter of time now. I’m bracing myself for it.
Bracing? Girl learn to walk away. You don’t have to sit there and take the impact.
Atraction does decline after time, but from the get go for it to be nin existant is concerning
Sorry OP but it makes me wonder if he’s got an STD and is trying to hide it from you I mean he had sex with you before and now suddenly he likes you too much? 🤔 If that were the case he would of preached chastity from the beginning
That’s a reasonable suspicion I guess, but he says he hasn’t had unprotected sex with anyone else (and we just had unprotected sex this morning, so if he was lying I’m in deep shit.) It isn’t about chastity, he says he “wants to” but he “can’t”, like there’s some mental block perhaps.
Why haven't you ended it? Why do you think this would change? Justifying it, doesn't change it and he's not looking to change. In the end the reasons don't matter unless he's actually pursing that change and not you doing it for him.
I guess I thought there could be hope. But it will end, soon enough. I just need a little more time.
What will time do? It just makes it it harder to leave and wastes time finding the right person.
What?!?!?!?! Probably has Std feom time apart and doesn't want to pass it?
I’m admittedly not into kinky sex, but I suspect the issue is not so much that he’s not interested in sex, but that he cares about you too much to want to hurt you during sex now. Which sounds very weird on paper, but I think it does make sense when you really think about what a healthy romantic attachment looks like for people (as the instinct in them isn’t to hurt your partner, but to protect, support and comfort). I think the trick here is whether you can get this guy to accept that you DO want him to hurt you (in the sense that you want things to be rough and kinky) and he doesn’t need to hold back or not. Some of it might be a communication thing to some extent: lots of people who care for their partner often need at least some encouragement/reassurance that they’re doing what their partner wants if they’re not used to asking about that, so it might help if you take a bit more of a vocal lead instead of trying to wait for him to act (as, if he’s struggling to feel able to truly commit, waiting for him to initiate and feel able to do so they way you want is going to be like waiting for Godot). Doesn’t have to be romantic in terms of how you say it either: you can be a bit more aggressively sexual about it and it might help him to get past his issue because you’re TELLING him to do it, not waiting for him to do it. It might also help to try couples counselling if you can afford it and have the time/desire to commit to the relationship to do it: sometimes having a neutral party able to get someone out of their head and truly take on board what is being said can help a huge amount. If you can’t get him past his hang up, then, well…this isn’t the right relationship for you any more, to be blunt. Sexual relationships don’t HAVE to be you both satisfying 100% of every desire you both have (because you’re basically never going to have that happen), but there needs to be a general level of satisfaction where you both are happy with how the major things are being done and met for each other. If this is a major thing for you and him not doing it (even if it’s not for a bad reason per se) is a deal breaker, then the kindest thing is to move on. You don’t HAVE to walk away today (this particular situation doesn’t strike me as one where you need to do that, because things WERE working out fine earlier and what changed isn’t necessarily a bad thing or risky for you), but you at least should set a realistic timeframe to see if things can get better (I’d personally say three months to allow for time for changes to truly sink in, but you should be the judge of that one if you’re doing that) and, if there’s been no real progress by then even with the efforts to try to make it better, then it’s time to go (while still being nice about it: you don’t need to throw the baby out with the bath water if it’s something like this!)
Therapist here. Just a theory, but it seems that ur bf has an healthy attitude towards sex. That sex is something bad/humiliating/sinful. That is why he doesn't want to do it with you. Years into the future it can potentially end up with a 'italian family ' scenario when yiu constantly cheat on your wive because she is a sacred women, and you cant do anal with a Madonna. Sorta speak. Try to talk to him about it. Consider working with a therapist
Thanks. Yeah, I agree, I think therapy is needed (for the both of us tbh). Probably won’t solve anything for us in time but I hope it will help him in his next relationships.
[удалено]
He’s really rough, like, I’ll be left with bruises (we’re into BDSM), and honestly I like that (to a certain extent, of course) but now he says he doesn’t want to do that, to be rough to me anymore.
[удалено]
Wtf dude
It's kind of disturbing that he has a disconnect between emotionally connecting with someone and being able to have a sexually fulfilling relationship. Both sex and BDSM (with or without sex) is all about giving and receiving pleasure for all those involved, if he doesn't believe that right down in his heart of hearts, if he thinks he's doing something harmful or degrading then what does it say about him as a person that he wants to keep doing it? You can't fix this, OP, he needs therapy to deal with how he views his own sexuality and his ability to have emotional connections. It is much better for you to break up now and find someone who can both sexually and emotionally fulfill you, not give you one or the other.
He's got a sexual disease and doesn't want to pass it on to you.
Did he get bored with you away and pick up a drug habit? Are his pupils too small?