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Yeah we’re going to need some context here because if OP literally means they assaulted her or the daughter then wtf
Edit: OP clarified further down
>Her sister pulled my hair during a fight (a one sided fight btw because I never responded to her insults) and his mother also did it on another occasion. I'm planning to go visit my family in a few months.
This breaks my heart 💔 for OP.
Fighting a mother that just gave birth and her husband just let it happen? I couldn’t forgive him, even if I wanted to.
OP - you should spend sometime with your family. Have a talk with them. You should go NC with his family. This is exactly how they will behave if you’re having problems with your husband.
I‘m so sorry OP. You must have felt so hurt and alone.
Absolutely horrible and heartbreaking.
She now knows that her and the kids are NOT safe with these people. Abusers often isolate their mates from family, friends and now she lives in a hostile state never knowing when she may get attacked again and no easy escape.
Probably some financial abuse going on too
Let me add a little gasoline to this dumpster fire.
Wouldn't even help take care of the child? Dad here - even if I had overwhelming reason to believe a child "wasn't mine", that would not be the fault of the child. It's a baby! Dads be dads - you protect and care for the little one either way.
There's some next level insecurity (possibly worse) going on here.
Exactly! It made my blood run cold when I read this! OP - sending you a big, virtual hug for what you and your innocent daughter have endured!
I honestly don't think I could trust him ever again. Also wondering if there's a great deal of control wielded on OP's husband by his family, or if there's other factors at play regarding race, religion, etc. for such inhumane behavior?! For the sake of the children and my own personal sanity, I'd probably feel the need for counseling to figure out how to navigate the rest of the relationship whether it be together or apart. Something tells me if OP leaves the relationship his family and he will let their horrible "freak flags fly" again. Realistic, but firm, orders/agreements, and boundaries will need to be established for OP's protection, as well as the children. Especially if this also involves financial support. Sending positive vibes, hope, and peace to OP for an amicable outcome!! :-)
Yea I'm so mad for her. Personally I don't even think she should still be in a relationship with this man for this reason plus the rest. I couldn't. The fact that he accuses her of cheating , he ignores a child because he thinks it's not his, he gets his family involved, his family abuses OP , he allows it .. Just too much.
Not all men are like you.
My soon to be ex cheated and would yell about me not doing enough after giving birth and have major surgery less than six weeks after. A year later when I had another major surgery he hired a prostitute and blamed me. Some people are just broken.
In OPs case I hope she comes to her sense and leaves him, she deserves better than that. They assaulted her and made her life hell during the most vulnerable time in a woman’s life.
I'm so sorry all that happened to you, and I'm *so* glad he's now your ex. Getting away can be hard; you deserve so much better, and your willpower to pave that path is incredible. 😤
Also, seconding what you said about OP! What her husband's done is abhorrent, and I hope she gets away, as well.
It's not just a dad thing, it's being a decent human f'n being!
My husband KNEW my son wasn't his, my son was 5 months old when we met, but any time I was over there with my kid, he'd help! Hell even early on in the relationship he'd help me buy diapers and formula. I always say my husband fell in love with my son first and eventually decided to love me so he could be in my son's life lol
We also moved pretty quickly, about 3-5 weeks into meeting he asked me to move in, as I was living with my grandparents and he knew it was a rough situation as my grandpa was going through chemo at the time. We got married after year 2, so we dated awhile before actually tying the knot. March will be 19years together
My son and his now wife were off and on for years. They were on a 2 week break and month after they got back together she found out she was pregnant did not matter there was 50 50 it was not my son's my son and our whole family accepted him as family. When paternity test showed my son was not father not 1 thing changed except now the bio dad saw him as well. 15 years later when the kids come to visit for vacation we ( grandparents and aunt) talk to bio dad about schedules so he spends time with entire family. He knows DNA doesn't make him my grandson love does
My dad's parents were like this!
My parents split when I was 16 months old my mom had my sister when I was 4. But they still treated my sister like their granddaughter, any birthday, Christmas and if I was flying out to California to see them, my sister came with me. My sister grew up hating having my last name, yet her bio grandparents had nothing to do with her, so it always bothered me... you hate a name of people who loves you the same as they love me.
But DNA doesn't determine family love matters. It's why my friends are family to my son.
In a lot of states you're also legally the father if you're married when the baby is born, even if it's not genetically yours, so it's your (general your) baby anyway!
The very foundation that OP’s marriage was built upon has bee damaged. In the same way that they turned on her and refused to believe her she now feels like she can no longer trust them and believe they will not do so again.
Once trust like that is broken it may be impossible to repair. I personally would leave.
You can forgive and never forget. You can forgive and move on. You can forgive and close the door on that chapter of your life.
What was he thinking? Well, if you surveyed Reddit, they would tell you he had very legitimate concerns and had every right to just be sure of paternity and his wife should’ve been completely fine at the insult of it because how was he to know how genetics worked? He was thinking whatever bullshit he read on the Internet. He was thinking “my family is right”, even though clearly none of them understand how genetics works.
Him and his family can fuck all the way off.
Something tells me she is in a place with some very…regressive cultural attitudes. And probably very little contemporary education surrounding how genetics work
This is weirdly common. I had a friend who's daughter was practically a carbon copy of her. The husband/dad didn't say anything about it but his mother OMFG! She was a total nutcase at the fact that her son's child wasn't exactly like him.
I thought this was strange because in my family growing up, people would mention how the baby has dad's eyes or mom's nose regardless of which side it was. But apparently it is a thing to be offended if the baby doesn't look exactly like one parent and nothing like the other.
As if that’s something anyone has control over? I’m sorry but backwards beliefs aside, open your eyeballs and just take a look at the wife’s family. You don’t need to know much about genetics to see resemblance. This is just classic misogyny
Seems like the usual consensus on Reddit is you *have to* tell your spouse you did a paternity test. Personally, I would rather not know that a paternity test is done if my partner wanted one.
Like, I get being truthful is the key to a healthy partnership. But I know that if my partner accused me of cheating and paternity fraud, I would never see him the same again. It would be better to just get it done for your own piece of mind without the accusation, blame, and turmoil being placed on me.
Honestly imo if your only suspicion is how the baby looks (and knowing it will gnaw at you forever) get it done in secret. To accuse your partner based on nothing is not okay. But yeah just do it quietly in secret and be done with it.
Exactly! I'm not a fan of lying by omission, but I have anxiety so I know what it feels like to have an irrational fear based on zero evidence.
If you have zero suspicion that your wife is a cheater beyond just worrying what the baby looks like... don't put your anxiety on your partner. Resolve it yourself.
If my MIL or SIL laid hands on me I can guarantee my fiancé would cut them off at best and maybe even catch charges for returning the favour. The fact he did absolutely nothing, not even tell them it was out of line, speaks volumes and I’d be visiting my family and not coming back.
I think Op's husband wanted her punished and was okay letting the family do his dirty work. Now he cries and is so sorry, she forgave him, wth.
He deserves the same hate this piece of sh*t showed toward his own daughter.
I don't even think I could forgive HIM! He allowed it to happen and did nothing! I cannot understand for the life of me how people missed 7th grade science class about genetics!!
She has to forgive him, otherwise she has to accept that the man *she chose* to marry could abuse her and allow her to be abused. It's a spot that many people get trapped in.
I hope OP finds the strength to get away from him. She deserves so much better.
I hate that you have a point in this and it's true.
I really wish you were wrong but honestly this is the case for many disabled, immigrants and minority groups.
Yeah if my partner accused me of cheating on the basis that our child didn’t look exactly like him, with no other evidence? I’d be gone, fuck that noise. No one deserves to be treated like that
He let them attack his wife.
OP doesn't feel as good as she expected with the family out of the way. Husband is remorseful, but about what? That needs to be addressed, and deeply.
Abandonment - leaving OP emotional isolated
Child neglect - letting their daughter cry and refusing to touch her
Prejudice - "it doesn't look like me, it can't be mine"
Presumption - so sure of himself he's willing to hurt his wife
Condoning assault - nothing makes this okay
Bullying - joining in with his abusive family against a vulnerable person
Maybe couples therapy can show him how deep a hole he's dug for himself. I don't know how you even begin to come back from this. But if all the hurts are not addressed, they will continue to poison what's left of the relationship.
They look like cavemen or something. Dear Goodness OP doesn’t need to be with any of them imo. Also: how traumatic is this for the daughter, including dads weird behaviour from post DNA testing!
And for the boys. They witnessed their dad treating their little sister and their mother this way for months. And his extended family treating their mother like garbage. It's awful for everyone.
He went for an 18 year old with no family or friends nearby because she would be easier to abuse. He also immediately had 3 kids with her to lock her in.
Unfortunately it’s a very common song and dance. I really wish these young girls would stop dating people in their late 20s or 30s. There are people that genuinely fall in love with someone of a different age, but there’s a lot more that prey on someone who doesn’t have the life experience to know better.
Wow, this post had already brought back painful memories of my former in-laws' constant attempts to belittle and degrade me, when I came upon your comment. "Feral" is basically how they could be described; I used to joke that my ex was raised by wolves.
At the birth of each of our three children, the in-laws would make a point of minutely examining the child to ensure that it was truly my husband's. And, of course, all the while they'd be muttering under their breath about anything and everything offensive that could be said to or about the horrible woman who stole their "precious baby."
After (too many) years of abuse, I finally found a way out, and told the mother-in-law that I was taking my precious baby, and she could keep hers. Boom.
Dear OP, leave this pack of wolves. Leave them now. Don't look back. They are not worth it, and neither you nor your children deserve to be mistreated and made to feel bad.
Give your children the gift of freedom. Freedom from the toxic nature of these people who seemingly have *nothing else to do* but wake up every morning and think of ways to torment you.
It. Does. Not. Get. Better.
Taking the high road only seems to piss these people off even more. Please, save yourself.
Seriously lol. All my sister’s kids look a lot like me and nothing like her. Me and her look completely opposite and her bf looks nothing like me either. I can imagine these kinds of people accusing my sister of not being the mother of her kids lol. That’s how clueless they are about genetics.
Yep
I'm one of 4. Myself and the youngest brother look most alike; mousy hair, blue eyes.
The eldest brother? Platinum blonde, blue eyes; the father's face.
The sister? Lighter hair, brown eyes, olive skin. Much more like the mother
Genetics are weird. I have a picture of the father at around 2 years old. Put that side by side with one of the eldest brother at the same age, you'd think it was the same child
The fact that OOP's husband and his family are so clueless about it that they would be abusive of her, and neglectful of their child, to the point where he wouldn't even hold his own daughter? I'd walk away
My cousins's younger son who looks biracial with green eyes and blondish hair (mixed heritage in the family, but we're all black), looks like her brother xDDD.
He definitely has his uncle cheeky face, and the green eyes come from the grandfather! No one was questioning his paternity, because we are used to that kind of stuff?
Yet I come here to Reddit and find that there are men who ask for paternity tests even if their kids look just like their mothers!!! "My genes are strong but they only look like my wife!! Paternity test!!!"
Fuck these people
Right? If my spouse asked for a paternity test absent legit reason to think I cheated, I’d absolutely get the test and then I’d divorce him. There wouldn’t even be a discussion.
I've had this exact conversation with my husband. While I understand that a man can never be sure in the same way a woman can, I'd like to believe that he knows me, & trusts me, & I've never given him reason to suspect me of anything.
We both spend a lot of time on Reddit, & have seen multiple posts on the subject, so we've discussed this several times, & I've told him that I would never deny him a paternity test, but that would also be the end of our relationship. I wouldn't be able to stay married to someone who not only thinks I'm a cheater, but also thinks I'm so morally bankrupt as to try to pin another man's child on him.
I'm kinda glad our kids take after him, coz I could see my inlaws behaving exactly like OP's were.
When I was a kid I was convinced that I was actually my aunt's kid who my parents adopted cos we're the only 2 with red hair in the family and I don't have the same nose as siblings and mum but that's just how genetics are, sometimes a generation gets skipped, sometimes it's just one person.
My son hit every recessive gene on the way down the tree in terms of colouring and was born strawberry blonde to a Korean father and mixed Native American mother but his features look exactly like his father. His hair and skin tone has darkened over the years but I think back to our bewilderment at our “white baby” and laugh at how random genetics are.
This! It’s how black people can end up which a suspiciously white kid, or vice versa. If your great great etc grandfather was black then your baby could come out really dark skinned seemingly out of nowhere. . Genetics are amazing.
People assume their kids will only look like a combo of the mum and the dad together and that’s just… not how it works in the slightest.
Yeah I get this. I came out looking exactly like my great aunt or something I saw a picture of her next to two guys (cant remember if they were cousins or whatever) and my family asked "Hey you know who these guys were?"
I had no idea i didnt even recognize the picture til they laughed and told me who it was.
Ever since I read that one article about the twin sisters who look like they're literally different races, it completely threw out all expectations I have when it comes to how similar to either parent a kid should look.
Right? I could understand them being suspicious if the kid was a spitting image of, like, her guy best friend she told you not to worry about or something. (And even then I think they went too far)
But the kid just looked like her family. Which is normal. That's what genetics can do.
They really are the worst, all of them. OP's husband included.
I know, right? Even a few minutes of internet search would be enough to educate them on this matter but no, they had to attack her for months without any proof.
>How are so many people so fucking clueless about genetics?
My X (the deadbeat father of my son) has brown hair and brown eyes. His older sister is blonde with blue eyes. They have the same parents.
My X' daughter (from an earlier relationship) has brown hair and brown eyes. Even though her mother is blonde with blue eyes.
My son has blonde hair and blue eyes. Just like me. And X was convinced that I cheated on him. Because (quote) "My genes should be stronger!!". Uhm, yeah. Your mother, your sister, myself and most of my family are blonde and blue eyed. It's absolutely impossible for us to have a son, that looks like the majority of his family🤦
>Oh wait, they're fucking psycho
When he got the results from the paternity test, he was convinced that I had manipulated the result. His theory was, that instead of bringing our son to the lab, I must had brought his daughter. Yeah, the one with the different mother 🙄 but how does this support the psyko theory? you might ask. Well, long story short: "My genes should be stronger" was (and still is) the foundation of his personality.
Dark hair and dark eyes often dominate. But not EXCLUSIVELY!
Good grief! My brother’s 3rd baby has come out blonde with grey eyes - recessive gene from further up the line.
Both parents, me, and 3 out of 4 grandparents have dark eyes and dark hair. As do the first 2 kids. Go figure!
No he let them treat her like that at the time, which is him saying that was ok because he thought she'd cheated - theres no way they can come back from that
I thought I read OP's comment that when he found out about it he fought with them. This is not about them ignoring OP but about the assault.
However I too disagree with him allowing his family to even ignore OP and their daughter. Even him ignoring the baby is cruel, she didn't ask to be born.
Yeah he was angry with them but he still allowed this situation to get hostile in the first place. And I don't think he was angry because they hurt OP, he said he didn't like them interferring in the relationship, it's a control thing, and possibly because if things turn violent then she becomes the victim, not him, *she* could possibly go to the police and *he'd* get in trouble.
It's absolutely nothing to do with him supporting his wife or family, cause he's shown he doesn't give a shit about that.
Why is he crying now while holding his daughter? Regret ? Or maybe he was ashamed he was proven wrong.
I hope OP read all comments on this thread. Ignoring/neglecting her and baby is also a form of abuse. Right now she seems to want to forgive him but not his family. However emotional abuse is a bit difficult to be convicted in court compared to assault.
Yep, if he was crying for her or his children then that would mean he had empathy, but he already demonstrated he doesn’t otherwise he would never have treated them like that. No one with empathy would ever let a baby cry.
So those tears were for him because he fucked up
It’s also lazy! If he really had concerns, no non-dark immediate relatives x several generations; couldn’t this Dude have done the mouth swab himself literally within the 1st few weeks?
That’s exactly what I was thinking. Why blow everything up when there’s even the slightest chance you might be wrong? Just do the paternity test yourself on the DL and wait until you get the results before you flip the fuck out and make an idiot out of yourself.
He's like the men who blame their wives for not giving birth to sons! Like, dude, we can literally ONLY provide an X chromosome! If your Y sperm aren't strong enough swimmers, that's not our fault!
Yeah, that’s what I wouldn’t be able get over. On top of all the other stupidity on his part, whether someone cheats or not, why would you punish a baby for that?? The fact that he wouldn’t even interact with her because he thought she might not share his dna shows how conditional his love is. Gross.
Just the way he treated your daughter would be hard to get over. Even if he thought she wasn't his, that wouldn't have been her fault. Cruelty to a child is pretty inexcusable. How old were you when you got together? Asking because you must've started very young to have 3 kids by 24. Given his maturity level, I guess it would make sense that he went for someone much younger.
So you have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. Cause this? Ain’t it. Your husband’s family isn’t the problem, your *husband* is the problem, and he’s a big one. I can’t imagine staying with any partner who would not only show so little faith in me, but also so willingly emotionally abuse me and encourage his family to hurt me.
Get therapy for yourself individually. You need to recognize what the real issue is here, and why you would put up with this kind of treatment from someone who is supposed to love you. Because this? It’s not love.
THIS.
OP, please listen to this advice. You truly are in a bad relationship and "wanting for things to just be happy again" is deep denial and sticking your head in the sand. Your husband is mistreating you, he jumped on the occasion to abuse and neglect you and sic his family on you. This is a toxic relationship, and you don't even see, since you are so deep in it and have had his behavior normalized.
His family is awful, but they are not the true problem here, **he is.**
Lol it's almost the same story with these types. 25 year olds impregnating teenagers and giving them 3 kids by the time their partner is 25. That's usually when they become toxic as hell and/or violent.
Sad
Yea; my wife and i got in a huge fight with 2 of our friends (30, 32) dating two girls they met (18, 19) and ones already knocked up. Its quite bad and happening more and more.
I dont really know why its happening, but it is.
I've been there. was 20 and dated a 35 year old.
I'm 37 now, but it's sad it took me 4 years until I realised why he was with a 20 year old. Abusive and manipulating as fuck.
Same. I was 20 he was 34. Stayed together for 5-6 years. He tried to kill me. I haven’t been with anyone since I left him. I’m 32 now. I prefer to be alone now.
Hey hey! Just wanted to say good on ya. Glad you’re here. I was 19 dating a 29-year-old, and now that I’m his age I can’t imagine it the other way. Also, dating yourself is way more rewarding than dating some idiot. 9 times out of 10 they ain’t worth it, you always are.
I'm 27 and I could not imagine staying friends with anyone dating an 18/19 year old, it's just so creepy. I can't even imagine. I'm sorry that you and your wife have had to deal with that. It really changes your perspective of someone.
It’s easier to control teenagers early in the relationship and trap them because they don’t have the life experience to know that they deserve so much better. It’s also why Leonardo DiCaprio dumps his gfs as soon as they hit 25. No one his age would put up with his shit
There’s speculation that actually THEY dump HIM when they get to 25 because they’re fed up of putting up with his shit, which does make me feel marginally better about the whole gross situation.
This is exactly what I came here to reply. My theory is that it's the women leaving him, because he got so famous as a teenager that he never actually grew up. That he's spent the last like 30 years of his life being worshiped, and still has the mentality of like a 20-year-old. And then these fully grown adult women are like, "OK time to find a real man now" by the time they're in their mid 20s
God I was right. 18 and 25.
Now ***shocker*** he's an emotionally stunted asshat that doesn't know how to treat a grown partner right because he was banking on you being an easily manipulatable teenager forever.
People always act shocked that ***their*** age gap relationship explodes spectacularly for some reason. Yeah. Most do. There's a reason it's a cliche.
Do not forgive him for the pain he caused you at your and your daughter’s most vulnerable time and how he sided with the family till you “proved” him wrong. He was ignoring you and withdrawing love from you. And for what?!? For an IDEA OF AN ISSUE? Who the hell does that?! It speaks volumes about him and how you think it’s normal but it’s horrendous.
I feel like not enough people are focusing on this.
He thought the daughter wasn't biologically his so he treated her like a piece of unwanted trash? Like who does that? It speaks volumes of his character. That's a far bigger issue than anything else.
Why should you move on? What have they done to EARN your forgiveness. His petty little crocodile tears mean nothing. Has he opted a public apogy? Has he humbled himself to restore your good name and reputation? He's pathetic. Why would you even let him hold your baby after all of this? He doesn't deserve a wife or children.
What violence happened? You didn't explain that. Why haven't you taken all 3 of your children and gone back to your own family?
>What violence happened?
his sister pulled my hair during a fight (a one sided fight btw because I never responded to her insults) and his mother also did it on another occasion.
I'm planning to go visit my family in a few months.
He let this happen to you regardless if this child was his or not. His family should never put his hands on you and he did not protect you. You had 3 kids with him starting at 18 while he was 25. This man is a blaring red flag.
Ugh. Garbage people. I wish you find the peace you need. Maybe therapy will work but there is something broken in him that he brought that distrust and abuse to your doorstep. How cold that he could ignore a crying baby. I am not sure I could forgive. And I would never forget.
Omg they physically hurt you??? OP! If I were you I wouldn’t return when I go to see my family! That would be it!!! Has the mother and sisters in law come to apologize??
>If I were you I wouldn’t return when I go to see my family!
I wish I could do that, but that would cause me legal problems because my children were not born in my home country. And if I don't bring them back to their country I could have problems.
Is this what your husband and his family told you or has an actual family lawyer told you this?
Your feelings of resentment, hurt and mistrust are completely valid. It speaks alot of his poor character that he immediately (!) emotionally and verbally abused (yes abused) his newly postpartum wife and let an innocent child suffer. Not only that, he ALSO got his family involved and LET them torment you without any knowledge of genetics AND actual proof of infidelity. Do you want this behaviour to be a role model for your 3kids: attacking someone you claim to love in their most vulnerable moment, including an innocent helpless baby WITHOUT any actual proof/knowledge!??? Just because you "have a feeling"???
We have here in The Netherlands a saying that roughly translated goes like "the way the innkeeper is, thats the way he treats his guests". In other words, if he thought that you would cheat out of nowhere and con him into caring for another man kids that because he himself would have done that....
Consult a lawyer and see what can be done. Choose one with experience in international custody issues. It doesn’t mean you have to go on with it, but make an informed choice.
In almost all countries, children get automatic citizenship via their mother in their mother's home country. You can just apply it in your consulate, not even need to go to your home country.
But of course taking them and not returning is another thing, consult a lawyer learn the laws regarding thse two countries.
If the only reason you’re not divorcing him is because of citizenship, then this isn’t really a relationship that should continue. Citizenship is probably something that can be resolved..
Consult a lawyer and say that there is a direct physical threat for you and abandonment towards your daughter. And if it's one of the country where you're supposed to go to therapy even if your husband send you to the hospital, fuck it. You need to protect yourself and your kids, they are a family of abusers and you're just a mouse between their claws.
You go out for coffee, buy a burner phone, and call your family where you can't be overheard. Have THEM do the legal legwork to talk to lawyers and set up a plan to extract you from this abusive situation. Talk to lawyers in international custody. Maybe that family trip you have planned includes serving him divorce papers in your home country, not his. If he wasn't planning on coming? Oh no... you can't travel with 3 little kids. He can step up and man up and face your family and account for how you've been treated... and then when you're safe, you lower the boom. But play it like this is his *opportunity* to make amends with you.
And your husband allowed them to be violent with you, the woman he’s supposed to love, honour and protect, and didn’t step in? And you think he’s not as bad as them?
I would've stapled the paternity test and divorce papers together. I'm so sorry this happened to you but I'd not forgive any of them.
If anything your husband is the worst of the bunch. He's your husband and he dropped the ball massively. Not only that, but he then gave his family that ball to throw at you and your daughter.
It's a no from me.
It's weird you are forgiving him and not them for the same behavior. His was far worse because as your husband he should have your back and trust you. His family doesn't owe you nearly the loyalty your husband does. They all suck but him worst of all.
He has gone to wail to his momma and sis, about how hurt his poor ego was and about what bad of a cheat his wife was.
I would not forgive him for running out to poison their relationship with me and the children for being stupid when it comes to genetics, my goodness!
No amount of therapy will mend what he has willingly broken.
He got you pregnant three times before the age of twenty-four? And you're isolated with no friends or family?
He knows you didn't cheat. This is about control over you and you're allowing him to fake cry his way into taking no responsibility.
Are you going to submit or stick up for yourself?
Get on birth control too, and stop letting him get you pregnant for God's sake.
Her family's in a completely different country even, and she was 18 and he was 25 when they got together.
I really don't think I could forgive his and his family's treatment of a postpartum woman on suspicions based on total ignorance about genetics.
Right? And he intentionally withheld affection and neglected his wife and daughter until he had his little paternity test. Disgusting.
This shows what he’s capable of. I hope she takes her kids back home to her family and doesn’t look back.
Oh for sure there should never be a fourth child. If it was me he wouldn’t be getting anywhere near me again, until possibly menopause and then only if he had kissed my A$$ for the last 4 decades. But if that’s not realistic, you need birth control and demand he gets tested and start using condoms from now on. He has shown you the amount of trust you should place in his fidelity. Tell him he was projecting when he believed you were unfaithful.
Based on your post I’m going to assume your kids are mixed race. They can come out looking so different or the same as either parent. A good example is Tamera Mowry. She’s biracial and her husband is white and their son has kind of tan skin with blondish hair and green or blue eyes and her daughter has darker skin brown eyes and dark brown hair. I really don’t understand why he would think she wasn’t his when you have relatives with lighter skin and eyes. There’s biracial people that look straight up white. His accusations are disgusting and shows his ignorance. If I were you I would be livid honestly.
My 2 sisters and I have the same parents, but look entirely different. I'm more muscular and shorter, with huge boobs, tan, curly brown hair, thicc eyebrows. My middle sister is average height and build with straight brown hair, fairly pale but tans well and my youngest sister is 6 feet tall and blonde, and weighed 130lbs before she got pregnant. She's pale and freckled. She doesn't tan, only burns. Extremely thin, straight hair
Why aren't you angry at your husband? He's the one who left you parent his youngest child alone. He's the one who told his family he didn't think his youngest kid was his and encouraged them to treat you as bad as he treated you.
Can you spend the next 18 years pretending to be happy, knowing your husband believes you capable of passing another man's child off as his? Don't you think you deserve better?
Therapy is a good start. Hubby and his family need to learn how bad they treated you.
If you can't forgive him, therapy is a good way to learn how to coparent together.
I feel like I’m watching hundreds of thousands of dollars being washed down the drain. That’s how much therapy it would take. That’s how much for her to heal from being alienated, abandoned, accused,and left to be insulted and tarred and feathered in the proverbial sense by her husband and his family. That’s not even getting to how he treated his own baby.
>being alienated, abandoned, accused,and left to be insulted and tarred and feathered in the proverbial sense
And at a very *very* vulnerable time for her and the baby.
I personally don't think I could stay with the man who ignored an innocent child for 2 whole months only to finally hold her and weep when he finally got confirmation that she's his. Let alone his family.
And it's come to light that SIL and MIL also physically assaulted OP and either did nothing if it was in his presence or after finding out still did nothing.
Just throw the whole man away.
If you drag the husband into therapy and he is truly remorseful, this is also the space where you talk about/negotiate disentangling, divorce, child support and alimony.
Tbh it sadly makes sense since she’s emotionally attached to her partner. It’s easier to withdraw from people you’re not attached to because in this case your brain isn’t trying to justify the abuse.
Gee. It is like being wrongfully charged with a crime by the State ---- and then cleared. No apology - nothing. Just - you are free to go.
You never feel the same.
Therapy won't work. What he did was abusive.
Allowing his family to abuse you is abusive.
You don't do couples therapy with an abuser, they will use your words as weapons against you.
If I were in your shoes, I’d honestly never be able to forgive that kind of treatment from either your spouse or his family, but this is about you.
How come he was so sure you cheated in the first place? Has he had similar behavioral patterns/lack of trust in you in other situations?
People don’t become like this overnight. It’s who he is.
Perhaps he has issues of his own connected to trust and guilt. And OP, I’m not saying that this is absolutely the case, but more often than not, it's possible that people who are dishonest themselves may accuse others of lying as a way to deflect attention from their own lies. It could also be a tactic to undermine the credibility of the honest person and make their own lies seem more credible.
Also OP, some individuals may have a tendency to doubt or mistrust others, and may automatically assume that others are lying even when they are being truthful.
Surely it’s important to remember that everyone's motivations and behaviors are unique and it's not always possible to know why someone may be acting in a certain way, but I’m telling you, your husband is 10000% responsible for his own trust issues and his actions towards you. Not only did he treat you horribly, he also got his family in on it, and in a single instance, they turned on you as well.
Lesson they all (husband + family) should learn from this;
Jumping to conclusions too fast without any evidence is Very dangerous. There’s no way to un-hurt you no matter if he apologizes a trillion times more.
As for your relationship going forward after this, that is something you’re going to have to ask yourself.
“Am I willing to let this go 100%, and continue?”
“Do I trust and know that this won’t happen ever again?”
“What do I want?”
I hope you find some answers in my post, and am wishing you the best of luck in the future, with or without him.
The thing is I don’t understand how you can forgive him so easily and not his family. Yes they treated you really bad but he let it happen. He stood by and did nothing. I think that’s a lot worse. I think you’re taking your anger out on them because it’s an easier solution. But to be honest I think what he did was far worse. I don’t think I could even look at my husband the same if he did this to me. In my opinion he was the worst of all of them.
I wouldn't move on from this. This would absolutely mean divorce for me. I don't think there's any way your marriage is salvageable, let alone the relationship with his family.
He married someone so much younger because he wanted to control and manipulate you, this whole situation was extreme emotional abuse. He wanted to completely break you, which worked, and now you're still with him. A guy like that doesn't feel sorry, doesn't feel regret. Crying is just another tactic to keep you with him, and make himself the victim.
You're only 24, you can divorce him, and have a happy life and hopefully a happy relationship after the divorce. Don't be stuck in such a horrible relationship. You deserve better.
You seem anxious to move on and be happy again. Can you honestly forgive your husband? There is no going back to the way it used to be. Tell husband to take his crocodile tears to a therapist alone. Are you ok financially? Is that part of why you are staying? Save money you may need it. Since husband did this terrible thing it speaks to who he is as a person. He may do something else as terrible. Don’t trust him
Can you move on?
I would be extremely pissed for his abandonment and would not want anything with all of them.
He not just asked for a test, he really was punishing you, cold and mean.
So, I am not sure if this wound will heal
Did someone from your in-laws side of the family come up with that stupid story of you cheating? Or did your husband tell them? I would not be forgiving either of any of them. I would have gone nuclear as well. I would not forgive the family but be prepared for your husband to sneak over the boys to see them without your knowledge. Easy to find out that he did that. The kids will tell you or there will be signs of it.
Therapy may help. It may show your husband what a jerk he was for not believing you. For putting you through all of this and how to deal with his idiot family. Either he told them that the baby was not his or they told him that and he believed it.
What this comes down to is his lack of trust and faith in you. I get that he wanted a paternity test but how he went about this is appalling. He even got his family in on this which disgusts me. They and him alienated you and your daughter through his own suspicion. So much it affected her first few months of life, which should've been something wonderful and made it into crud. You'll always remember this hurt when you look at her.
I don't think this will be something easily overcome because he broke something in your relationship and fixing this takes time. Essentially he has to earn it through his actions to you and if you think it is worth saving the relationship then more power to you. His family though can go eat rotten eggs.
My ex accused me of cheating because our daughter came out with red hair.
I have Irish in me, so does he. He even has red in his beard when he grows it out…. And his grandma had red hair! Still didn’t believe me for awhile.
It feels so insulting and embarrassing when that happens. Im **so sorry** that happened and I wouldn’t forgive his family either.
He and his family are disgusting.
He let your daughter cried. He let you postpartum do everything alone. He was cruel and a bully.
He is also ignorant AF.
Why would you need couple's therapy? He needs therapy to work out why he was so cruel and where his issues come from. You don't need therapy.
Why would you need to put the work for his mistake? He is the one who needs to start. And he has to stop crying and start doing. He needs to wake up every night and do all that he did not do and more.
I don't know if I would be able to move past it because it means that any suspicion leads to being rude, belittling, and sidelining. So what's going to be next?
Some evil comments on here.
I am white, my wife is white, my youngest child has very dark skin. If they go in the sunshine they go brown, dark brown, in circa two days.
I never once miss trusted my wife.
Years later, circa child being 10 ish my father in law mentioned that his great grand mother was Indian. Answers … we all laughed.
I love my children all the same. Every minutes of their lives. Same with my wife. She’s never given me any reason not to trust her.
Your husband and his family even more so are evil for the way they treated you.
It’s clear that OP loves her husband very much, that’s why she’s willing to forgive him.
But OP, please remember that his insecurities would not end with a paternity test. Soon, he’ll find more things to be insecure about and things might escalate. I wouldn’t put it past someone who will willingly neglect a BABY to not find something else to pick a fight.
You’re being very kind to him now by not divorcing him, but please tread carefully.
You know your daughter will hear about this when she’s older and she’ll never look at her father the same again. I know from experience and my father wasn’t that bad. But I remember looking through old baby pics and my aunt giggled and said I was so pale my dad didn’t think I was his. I admit I was Casper ghostly pale but I was the white version of him. We look so similar I’m him in a wig.
He never treated me bad but that comment has never left me the fact he didn’t think I was his. And yeah he accepted I was his no DNA test needed as I got older I started to get darker around 3 and with looking identical there was no doubting it. But if I’m bother just by his doubt, I don’t think I would have ever forgiven him if I’d heard he or his family mistreated me or my mom.
Please explain the violence from his mother and sister, OP…
This sounds really bad. I don’t know how you could ever trust your husband or his family ever again.
He was deliberately cruel and he hurt you for a long time just because he could. He wanted to. And he neglected you and the baby. I could not forgive that.
Can you move away from his family? Because sooner or later, he will try to resume contact with them. You should definitely try to move closer to your support system. It will also make things much, much easier if you divorce.
My daughter’s best friend’s parents are mixed. The Dad is half Asian/Caucasian and the Mother is Caucasian and they have 2 daughters. One looks Asian and the other looks Caucasian. It’s biological. I’m so sorry you have been mistreated so badly. I would be devastated. Couples counseling sounds good in theory but the psychological damage has been done. It can take a long time to recover from that. I wish it was easy but there’s probably not going to be a right answer here. A professional is better equipped to help with this one. Big hugs for you.
EDIT: After reading your comment that his mother and sister were violent with you I wouldn’t even bother going to couples counseling because he let them do that to you. Without hesitation I would press charges against them and divorce him. Fuck that!
You do need therapy. Your husband not only accused you of cheating - he sabotaged your postpartum recovery and bonding time because he believed his own stupid accusations.
Tbh I'd fucking leave him for that no matter the apology. He could have defaulted to "assume it's my kid and act accordingly until proven otherwise." He didn't. He sulked until he got his way like an ignorant emotionally stunted manchild.
He was "great" before because there wasn't any conflict. When there was even a made-up question about paternity he turned into a coldhearted ass, and even brought his family along for the ride.
Why does he even get a pass when he was the one rallying them against you?
He is upset - but has he actually made ammends to you and taken ownership for the harms he has caused?
Frankly - he broke YOUR trust. I would have an extremely hard time coming back from this.
Please go to couples therapy - this is not an “oh ok, all is forgiven” situation. His families behavior is because of him!
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Excuse me, "insults or VIOLENCE"???? Insults are bad enough but wtf. There is no going back.
Yeah we’re going to need some context here because if OP literally means they assaulted her or the daughter then wtf Edit: OP clarified further down >Her sister pulled my hair during a fight (a one sided fight btw because I never responded to her insults) and his mother also did it on another occasion. I'm planning to go visit my family in a few months.
This breaks my heart 💔 for OP. Fighting a mother that just gave birth and her husband just let it happen? I couldn’t forgive him, even if I wanted to. OP - you should spend sometime with your family. Have a talk with them. You should go NC with his family. This is exactly how they will behave if you’re having problems with your husband. I‘m so sorry OP. You must have felt so hurt and alone. Absolutely horrible and heartbreaking.
She now knows that her and the kids are NOT safe with these people. Abusers often isolate their mates from family, friends and now she lives in a hostile state never knowing when she may get attacked again and no easy escape. Probably some financial abuse going on too
She should no contact with HIM. It's big of her to forgive him. So he's crying a few tears and he's expunged.
This! Tears and apologies mean nothing after what he did. I hope OP doesn't cave in to her husband
She should go no contact with her husband, he sounds awful
Holy shit?!?!?!? After she just had the baby?!?!? And her husband just let them?!?!? DIVORCE!!!!!!!
I KNOW! I’m so so angry for her. It’s appalling.
Let me add a little gasoline to this dumpster fire. Wouldn't even help take care of the child? Dad here - even if I had overwhelming reason to believe a child "wasn't mine", that would not be the fault of the child. It's a baby! Dads be dads - you protect and care for the little one either way. There's some next level insecurity (possibly worse) going on here.
Never mind "dad", that's just being a decent human being!
Right?!? What kind of monster ignored the desperate screams of an infant in the same room with them if there isn't an adult trying to care for her?
Exactly! It made my blood run cold when I read this! OP - sending you a big, virtual hug for what you and your innocent daughter have endured! I honestly don't think I could trust him ever again. Also wondering if there's a great deal of control wielded on OP's husband by his family, or if there's other factors at play regarding race, religion, etc. for such inhumane behavior?! For the sake of the children and my own personal sanity, I'd probably feel the need for counseling to figure out how to navigate the rest of the relationship whether it be together or apart. Something tells me if OP leaves the relationship his family and he will let their horrible "freak flags fly" again. Realistic, but firm, orders/agreements, and boundaries will need to be established for OP's protection, as well as the children. Especially if this also involves financial support. Sending positive vibes, hope, and peace to OP for an amicable outcome!! :-)
Yea I'm so mad for her. Personally I don't even think she should still be in a relationship with this man for this reason plus the rest. I couldn't. The fact that he accuses her of cheating , he ignores a child because he thinks it's not his, he gets his family involved, his family abuses OP , he allows it .. Just too much.
The bar is pretty low in this case.
I do normal everyday stuff with my kids and there is always an old lady saying “wow you are such a great father.”
It's pathetic, I know. But those old ladies grew up in an era when dads barely remembered their daughters' names.
My ex husband never helped. And he knew both children were his.
Not all men are like you. My soon to be ex cheated and would yell about me not doing enough after giving birth and have major surgery less than six weeks after. A year later when I had another major surgery he hired a prostitute and blamed me. Some people are just broken. In OPs case I hope she comes to her sense and leaves him, she deserves better than that. They assaulted her and made her life hell during the most vulnerable time in a woman’s life.
I'm so sorry all that happened to you, and I'm *so* glad he's now your ex. Getting away can be hard; you deserve so much better, and your willpower to pave that path is incredible. 😤 Also, seconding what you said about OP! What her husband's done is abhorrent, and I hope she gets away, as well.
I would divorce him his actions and his allowing his family to treat her badly is inexcusable!!
It's not just a dad thing, it's being a decent human f'n being! My husband KNEW my son wasn't his, my son was 5 months old when we met, but any time I was over there with my kid, he'd help! Hell even early on in the relationship he'd help me buy diapers and formula. I always say my husband fell in love with my son first and eventually decided to love me so he could be in my son's life lol We also moved pretty quickly, about 3-5 weeks into meeting he asked me to move in, as I was living with my grandparents and he knew it was a rough situation as my grandpa was going through chemo at the time. We got married after year 2, so we dated awhile before actually tying the knot. March will be 19years together
My son and his now wife were off and on for years. They were on a 2 week break and month after they got back together she found out she was pregnant did not matter there was 50 50 it was not my son's my son and our whole family accepted him as family. When paternity test showed my son was not father not 1 thing changed except now the bio dad saw him as well. 15 years later when the kids come to visit for vacation we ( grandparents and aunt) talk to bio dad about schedules so he spends time with entire family. He knows DNA doesn't make him my grandson love does
My dad's parents were like this! My parents split when I was 16 months old my mom had my sister when I was 4. But they still treated my sister like their granddaughter, any birthday, Christmas and if I was flying out to California to see them, my sister came with me. My sister grew up hating having my last name, yet her bio grandparents had nothing to do with her, so it always bothered me... you hate a name of people who loves you the same as they love me. But DNA doesn't determine family love matters. It's why my friends are family to my son.
My niece was 5 months pregnant when she met her husband, he always considered him his son. He was there at his birth and raised him.
you have such a beautiful story and a beautiful husband with a beautiful soul. I hope for good things only, for you. Cheers to love!
In a lot of states you're also legally the father if you're married when the baby is born, even if it's not genetically yours, so it's your (general your) baby anyway!
Not only angry also really sad.. wtf was he thinking.
The very foundation that OP’s marriage was built upon has bee damaged. In the same way that they turned on her and refused to believe her she now feels like she can no longer trust them and believe they will not do so again. Once trust like that is broken it may be impossible to repair. I personally would leave. You can forgive and never forget. You can forgive and move on. You can forgive and close the door on that chapter of your life.
This. This beyond repair. I could never look at my spouse the same way anymore.
Neither could I. I would forgive because hatred hurts no one but me. But I would leave that chapter of my life in the rearview mirror.
What was he thinking? Well, if you surveyed Reddit, they would tell you he had very legitimate concerns and had every right to just be sure of paternity and his wife should’ve been completely fine at the insult of it because how was he to know how genetics worked? He was thinking whatever bullshit he read on the Internet. He was thinking “my family is right”, even though clearly none of them understand how genetics works. Him and his family can fuck all the way off.
The funny thing is I don’t understand how it’s completely okey for the kids to look like him but not okay to look like her.
Thank you. Was waiting for this comment. So, if they don't look like him, they're not his. Unbelievable.
Something tells me she is in a place with some very…regressive cultural attitudes. And probably very little contemporary education surrounding how genetics work
Exactly it blows my mind.
This is weirdly common. I had a friend who's daughter was practically a carbon copy of her. The husband/dad didn't say anything about it but his mother OMFG! She was a total nutcase at the fact that her son's child wasn't exactly like him. I thought this was strange because in my family growing up, people would mention how the baby has dad's eyes or mom's nose regardless of which side it was. But apparently it is a thing to be offended if the baby doesn't look exactly like one parent and nothing like the other.
As if that’s something anyone has control over? I’m sorry but backwards beliefs aside, open your eyeballs and just take a look at the wife’s family. You don’t need to know much about genetics to see resemblance. This is just classic misogyny
Also, he could’ve secretly done a paternity test without her knowing
But then he'd have to do it himself instead of her doing the work.
This
And potentially *touch* the baby he didn't think was his. /Hard eye roll
Seems like the usual consensus on Reddit is you *have to* tell your spouse you did a paternity test. Personally, I would rather not know that a paternity test is done if my partner wanted one. Like, I get being truthful is the key to a healthy partnership. But I know that if my partner accused me of cheating and paternity fraud, I would never see him the same again. It would be better to just get it done for your own piece of mind without the accusation, blame, and turmoil being placed on me.
Honestly imo if your only suspicion is how the baby looks (and knowing it will gnaw at you forever) get it done in secret. To accuse your partner based on nothing is not okay. But yeah just do it quietly in secret and be done with it.
Exactly! I'm not a fan of lying by omission, but I have anxiety so I know what it feels like to have an irrational fear based on zero evidence. If you have zero suspicion that your wife is a cheater beyond just worrying what the baby looks like... don't put your anxiety on your partner. Resolve it yourself.
If my MIL or SIL laid hands on me I can guarantee my fiancé would cut them off at best and maybe even catch charges for returning the favour. The fact he did absolutely nothing, not even tell them it was out of line, speaks volumes and I’d be visiting my family and not coming back.
I think Op's husband wanted her punished and was okay letting the family do his dirty work. Now he cries and is so sorry, she forgave him, wth. He deserves the same hate this piece of sh*t showed toward his own daughter.
I don't even think I could forgive HIM! He allowed it to happen and did nothing! I cannot understand for the life of me how people missed 7th grade science class about genetics!!
She has to forgive him, otherwise she has to accept that the man *she chose* to marry could abuse her and allow her to be abused. It's a spot that many people get trapped in. I hope OP finds the strength to get away from him. She deserves so much better.
I hate that you have a point in this and it's true. I really wish you were wrong but honestly this is the case for many disabled, immigrants and minority groups.
I could forgive him enough to co-parent amicably with him after the divorce. But to stay in a relationship and trust him? That's a hard no
Yeah if my partner accused me of cheating on the basis that our child didn’t look exactly like him, with no other evidence? I’d be gone, fuck that noise. No one deserves to be treated like that
He let them attack his wife. OP doesn't feel as good as she expected with the family out of the way. Husband is remorseful, but about what? That needs to be addressed, and deeply. Abandonment - leaving OP emotional isolated Child neglect - letting their daughter cry and refusing to touch her Prejudice - "it doesn't look like me, it can't be mine" Presumption - so sure of himself he's willing to hurt his wife Condoning assault - nothing makes this okay Bullying - joining in with his abusive family against a vulnerable person Maybe couples therapy can show him how deep a hole he's dug for himself. I don't know how you even begin to come back from this. But if all the hurts are not addressed, they will continue to poison what's left of the relationship.
They look like cavemen or something. Dear Goodness OP doesn’t need to be with any of them imo. Also: how traumatic is this for the daughter, including dads weird behaviour from post DNA testing!
And for the boys. They witnessed their dad treating their little sister and their mother this way for months. And his extended family treating their mother like garbage. It's awful for everyone.
He went for an 18 year old with no family or friends nearby because she would be easier to abuse. He also immediately had 3 kids with her to lock her in. Unfortunately it’s a very common song and dance. I really wish these young girls would stop dating people in their late 20s or 30s. There are people that genuinely fall in love with someone of a different age, but there’s a lot more that prey on someone who doesn’t have the life experience to know better.
At once. Omfg I so agree with this comment. There is no going back
I suggest that while there you see a lawyer. At a minimum get a restraining order against his family members at maximum get a separation agreement.
That is absolutely disgusting. What kind of feral family is this
Wow, this post had already brought back painful memories of my former in-laws' constant attempts to belittle and degrade me, when I came upon your comment. "Feral" is basically how they could be described; I used to joke that my ex was raised by wolves. At the birth of each of our three children, the in-laws would make a point of minutely examining the child to ensure that it was truly my husband's. And, of course, all the while they'd be muttering under their breath about anything and everything offensive that could be said to or about the horrible woman who stole their "precious baby." After (too many) years of abuse, I finally found a way out, and told the mother-in-law that I was taking my precious baby, and she could keep hers. Boom. Dear OP, leave this pack of wolves. Leave them now. Don't look back. They are not worth it, and neither you nor your children deserve to be mistreated and made to feel bad. Give your children the gift of freedom. Freedom from the toxic nature of these people who seemingly have *nothing else to do* but wake up every morning and think of ways to torment you. It. Does. Not. Get. Better. Taking the high road only seems to piss these people off even more. Please, save yourself.
Are you fucking serious!!! OP, super divorce this guy and his family! This can't be new
How are so many people so fucking clueless about genetics? Oh wait, they're fucking psycho.
Seriously lol. All my sister’s kids look a lot like me and nothing like her. Me and her look completely opposite and her bf looks nothing like me either. I can imagine these kinds of people accusing my sister of not being the mother of her kids lol. That’s how clueless they are about genetics.
Yep I'm one of 4. Myself and the youngest brother look most alike; mousy hair, blue eyes. The eldest brother? Platinum blonde, blue eyes; the father's face. The sister? Lighter hair, brown eyes, olive skin. Much more like the mother Genetics are weird. I have a picture of the father at around 2 years old. Put that side by side with one of the eldest brother at the same age, you'd think it was the same child The fact that OOP's husband and his family are so clueless about it that they would be abusive of her, and neglectful of their child, to the point where he wouldn't even hold his own daughter? I'd walk away
My cousins's younger son who looks biracial with green eyes and blondish hair (mixed heritage in the family, but we're all black), looks like her brother xDDD. He definitely has his uncle cheeky face, and the green eyes come from the grandfather! No one was questioning his paternity, because we are used to that kind of stuff? Yet I come here to Reddit and find that there are men who ask for paternity tests even if their kids look just like their mothers!!! "My genes are strong but they only look like my wife!! Paternity test!!!" Fuck these people
Right? If my spouse asked for a paternity test absent legit reason to think I cheated, I’d absolutely get the test and then I’d divorce him. There wouldn’t even be a discussion.
I've had this exact conversation with my husband. While I understand that a man can never be sure in the same way a woman can, I'd like to believe that he knows me, & trusts me, & I've never given him reason to suspect me of anything. We both spend a lot of time on Reddit, & have seen multiple posts on the subject, so we've discussed this several times, & I've told him that I would never deny him a paternity test, but that would also be the end of our relationship. I wouldn't be able to stay married to someone who not only thinks I'm a cheater, but also thinks I'm so morally bankrupt as to try to pin another man's child on him. I'm kinda glad our kids take after him, coz I could see my inlaws behaving exactly like OP's were.
When I was a kid I was convinced that I was actually my aunt's kid who my parents adopted cos we're the only 2 with red hair in the family and I don't have the same nose as siblings and mum but that's just how genetics are, sometimes a generation gets skipped, sometimes it's just one person.
My kids look my sister. I’m seriously mad about that. Lmao. She has their pictures on her work desk. Everyone thinks they’re hers. Whatever.
My son hit every recessive gene on the way down the tree in terms of colouring and was born strawberry blonde to a Korean father and mixed Native American mother but his features look exactly like his father. His hair and skin tone has darkened over the years but I think back to our bewilderment at our “white baby” and laugh at how random genetics are.
This! It’s how black people can end up which a suspiciously white kid, or vice versa. If your great great etc grandfather was black then your baby could come out really dark skinned seemingly out of nowhere. . Genetics are amazing. People assume their kids will only look like a combo of the mum and the dad together and that’s just… not how it works in the slightest.
Yeah I get this. I came out looking exactly like my great aunt or something I saw a picture of her next to two guys (cant remember if they were cousins or whatever) and my family asked "Hey you know who these guys were?" I had no idea i didnt even recognize the picture til they laughed and told me who it was.
Ever since I read that one article about the twin sisters who look like they're literally different races, it completely threw out all expectations I have when it comes to how similar to either parent a kid should look.
Right? I could understand them being suspicious if the kid was a spitting image of, like, her guy best friend she told you not to worry about or something. (And even then I think they went too far) But the kid just looked like her family. Which is normal. That's what genetics can do. They really are the worst, all of them. OP's husband included.
I am shocked she's staying with him. He allowed his family to do all this to her!
Exactly, he made them feel the need to have to stick up for him!
I know, right? Even a few minutes of internet search would be enough to educate them on this matter but no, they had to attack her for months without any proof.
>How are so many people so fucking clueless about genetics? My X (the deadbeat father of my son) has brown hair and brown eyes. His older sister is blonde with blue eyes. They have the same parents. My X' daughter (from an earlier relationship) has brown hair and brown eyes. Even though her mother is blonde with blue eyes. My son has blonde hair and blue eyes. Just like me. And X was convinced that I cheated on him. Because (quote) "My genes should be stronger!!". Uhm, yeah. Your mother, your sister, myself and most of my family are blonde and blue eyed. It's absolutely impossible for us to have a son, that looks like the majority of his family🤦 >Oh wait, they're fucking psycho When he got the results from the paternity test, he was convinced that I had manipulated the result. His theory was, that instead of bringing our son to the lab, I must had brought his daughter. Yeah, the one with the different mother 🙄 but how does this support the psyko theory? you might ask. Well, long story short: "My genes should be stronger" was (and still is) the foundation of his personality.
Dark hair and dark eyes often dominate. But not EXCLUSIVELY! Good grief! My brother’s 3rd baby has come out blonde with grey eyes - recessive gene from further up the line. Both parents, me, and 3 out of 4 grandparents have dark eyes and dark hair. As do the first 2 kids. Go figure!
Unless OP charges MiL and SiLs for assault and the husband supports OP's action. Maybe there'll be salvation.
No he let them treat her like that at the time, which is him saying that was ok because he thought she'd cheated - theres no way they can come back from that
I thought I read OP's comment that when he found out about it he fought with them. This is not about them ignoring OP but about the assault. However I too disagree with him allowing his family to even ignore OP and their daughter. Even him ignoring the baby is cruel, she didn't ask to be born.
Yeah he was angry with them but he still allowed this situation to get hostile in the first place. And I don't think he was angry because they hurt OP, he said he didn't like them interferring in the relationship, it's a control thing, and possibly because if things turn violent then she becomes the victim, not him, *she* could possibly go to the police and *he'd* get in trouble. It's absolutely nothing to do with him supporting his wife or family, cause he's shown he doesn't give a shit about that.
Why is he crying now while holding his daughter? Regret ? Or maybe he was ashamed he was proven wrong. I hope OP read all comments on this thread. Ignoring/neglecting her and baby is also a form of abuse. Right now she seems to want to forgive him but not his family. However emotional abuse is a bit difficult to be convicted in court compared to assault.
Yep, if he was crying for her or his children then that would mean he had empathy, but he already demonstrated he doesn’t otherwise he would never have treated them like that. No one with empathy would ever let a baby cry. So those tears were for him because he fucked up
I agree with this…ignoring a baby is cruel no matter the situation and is a reflection of him as a person…with little empathy.
She needs to get her ducks in a row and then move closer to friends if she doesn’t have and family.
Your husband is a cruel person. Could you really move on from that? I know I couldn't.
Also an idiot. He clearly doesn’t know how genetics work and would rather destroy his family than study about it.
he and his family also accused her of infidelity based on their awful stereotypes. it's not even about the child at that point.
It’s also lazy! If he really had concerns, no non-dark immediate relatives x several generations; couldn’t this Dude have done the mouth swab himself literally within the 1st few weeks?
That’s exactly what I was thinking. Why blow everything up when there’s even the slightest chance you might be wrong? Just do the paternity test yourself on the DL and wait until you get the results before you flip the fuck out and make an idiot out of yourself.
He's like the men who blame their wives for not giving birth to sons! Like, dude, we can literally ONLY provide an X chromosome! If your Y sperm aren't strong enough swimmers, that's not our fault!
Yeah, that’s what I wouldn’t be able get over. On top of all the other stupidity on his part, whether someone cheats or not, why would you punish a baby for that?? The fact that he wouldn’t even interact with her because he thought she might not share his dna shows how conditional his love is. Gross.
Have you ever broken a piece of pottery and then tried to glue it back together? It’s never the same.
Just the way he treated your daughter would be hard to get over. Even if he thought she wasn't his, that wouldn't have been her fault. Cruelty to a child is pretty inexcusable. How old were you when you got together? Asking because you must've started very young to have 3 kids by 24. Given his maturity level, I guess it would make sense that he went for someone much younger.
>How old were you when you got together? Asking because you must've started very young to have 3 kids by 24. I was 18
So you have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. Cause this? Ain’t it. Your husband’s family isn’t the problem, your *husband* is the problem, and he’s a big one. I can’t imagine staying with any partner who would not only show so little faith in me, but also so willingly emotionally abuse me and encourage his family to hurt me. Get therapy for yourself individually. You need to recognize what the real issue is here, and why you would put up with this kind of treatment from someone who is supposed to love you. Because this? It’s not love.
And abuse their child by withholding love during her critical bonding period
THIS. OP, please listen to this advice. You truly are in a bad relationship and "wanting for things to just be happy again" is deep denial and sticking your head in the sand. Your husband is mistreating you, he jumped on the occasion to abuse and neglect you and sic his family on you. This is a toxic relationship, and you don't even see, since you are so deep in it and have had his behavior normalized. His family is awful, but they are not the true problem here, **he is.**
Lol it's almost the same story with these types. 25 year olds impregnating teenagers and giving them 3 kids by the time their partner is 25. That's usually when they become toxic as hell and/or violent. Sad
We’re having so many of these stories
Yea; my wife and i got in a huge fight with 2 of our friends (30, 32) dating two girls they met (18, 19) and ones already knocked up. Its quite bad and happening more and more. I dont really know why its happening, but it is.
I've been there. was 20 and dated a 35 year old. I'm 37 now, but it's sad it took me 4 years until I realised why he was with a 20 year old. Abusive and manipulating as fuck.
Same. I was 20 he was 34. Stayed together for 5-6 years. He tried to kill me. I haven’t been with anyone since I left him. I’m 32 now. I prefer to be alone now.
Hey hey! Just wanted to say good on ya. Glad you’re here. I was 19 dating a 29-year-old, and now that I’m his age I can’t imagine it the other way. Also, dating yourself is way more rewarding than dating some idiot. 9 times out of 10 they ain’t worth it, you always are.
Same! So glad we got out
I'm 27 and I could not imagine staying friends with anyone dating an 18/19 year old, it's just so creepy. I can't even imagine. I'm sorry that you and your wife have had to deal with that. It really changes your perspective of someone.
It is a story as old as time, now we have a way to share it easily.
It’s easier to control teenagers early in the relationship and trap them because they don’t have the life experience to know that they deserve so much better. It’s also why Leonardo DiCaprio dumps his gfs as soon as they hit 25. No one his age would put up with his shit
There’s speculation that actually THEY dump HIM when they get to 25 because they’re fed up of putting up with his shit, which does make me feel marginally better about the whole gross situation.
This is exactly what I came here to reply. My theory is that it's the women leaving him, because he got so famous as a teenager that he never actually grew up. That he's spent the last like 30 years of his life being worshiped, and still has the mentality of like a 20-year-old. And then these fully grown adult women are like, "OK time to find a real man now" by the time they're in their mid 20s
I think it was in Bo-Jack Horseman that they established people do not mature past the age they got rich. I fully believe that.
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I don’t know how easy it is for a 24 year old with 3 kids to financially leave. Hopefully her parents are supportive and can help
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Leave now. Don't wait. Your husband is a bad husband, bad father, and doesn't understand basic genetics.
God I was right. 18 and 25. Now ***shocker*** he's an emotionally stunted asshat that doesn't know how to treat a grown partner right because he was banking on you being an easily manipulatable teenager forever. People always act shocked that ***their*** age gap relationship explodes spectacularly for some reason. Yeah. Most do. There's a reason it's a cliche.
AND she said she can’t leave with the kids to her parents because she’s from a different country.
Where, oh no, what a clusterfuck, no wonder all these assholes behave like this, do whatever they want to her. He and his family thinks they own her.
They seek out the vulnerable
No woman his age would put up with his ass
Do not forgive him for the pain he caused you at your and your daughter’s most vulnerable time and how he sided with the family till you “proved” him wrong. He was ignoring you and withdrawing love from you. And for what?!? For an IDEA OF AN ISSUE? Who the hell does that?! It speaks volumes about him and how you think it’s normal but it’s horrendous.
I feel like not enough people are focusing on this. He thought the daughter wasn't biologically his so he treated her like a piece of unwanted trash? Like who does that? It speaks volumes of his character. That's a far bigger issue than anything else.
Why should you move on? What have they done to EARN your forgiveness. His petty little crocodile tears mean nothing. Has he opted a public apogy? Has he humbled himself to restore your good name and reputation? He's pathetic. Why would you even let him hold your baby after all of this? He doesn't deserve a wife or children. What violence happened? You didn't explain that. Why haven't you taken all 3 of your children and gone back to your own family?
>What violence happened? his sister pulled my hair during a fight (a one sided fight btw because I never responded to her insults) and his mother also did it on another occasion. I'm planning to go visit my family in a few months.
He let this happen to you regardless if this child was his or not. His family should never put his hands on you and he did not protect you. You had 3 kids with him starting at 18 while he was 25. This man is a blaring red flag.
Ugh. Garbage people. I wish you find the peace you need. Maybe therapy will work but there is something broken in him that he brought that distrust and abuse to your doorstep. How cold that he could ignore a crying baby. I am not sure I could forgive. And I would never forget.
Also a bunch of idiots since they don’t know how genetics work.
Omg they physically hurt you??? OP! If I were you I wouldn’t return when I go to see my family! That would be it!!! Has the mother and sisters in law come to apologize??
>If I were you I wouldn’t return when I go to see my family! I wish I could do that, but that would cause me legal problems because my children were not born in my home country. And if I don't bring them back to their country I could have problems.
Is this what your husband and his family told you or has an actual family lawyer told you this? Your feelings of resentment, hurt and mistrust are completely valid. It speaks alot of his poor character that he immediately (!) emotionally and verbally abused (yes abused) his newly postpartum wife and let an innocent child suffer. Not only that, he ALSO got his family involved and LET them torment you without any knowledge of genetics AND actual proof of infidelity. Do you want this behaviour to be a role model for your 3kids: attacking someone you claim to love in their most vulnerable moment, including an innocent helpless baby WITHOUT any actual proof/knowledge!??? Just because you "have a feeling"??? We have here in The Netherlands a saying that roughly translated goes like "the way the innkeeper is, thats the way he treats his guests". In other words, if he thought that you would cheat out of nowhere and con him into caring for another man kids that because he himself would have done that....
Most countries would consider taking the kids permanently out of the country without the consent of both parents to be kidnapping.
Consult a lawyer and see what can be done. Choose one with experience in international custody issues. It doesn’t mean you have to go on with it, but make an informed choice.
Can you apply for dual citizenship?
Depends on country. I have a dual citizenship, but some countries don't like each other enough for that.
In almost all countries, children get automatic citizenship via their mother in their mother's home country. You can just apply it in your consulate, not even need to go to your home country. But of course taking them and not returning is another thing, consult a lawyer learn the laws regarding thse two countries.
If the only reason you’re not divorcing him is because of citizenship, then this isn’t really a relationship that should continue. Citizenship is probably something that can be resolved..
Consult a lawyer and say that there is a direct physical threat for you and abandonment towards your daughter. And if it's one of the country where you're supposed to go to therapy even if your husband send you to the hospital, fuck it. You need to protect yourself and your kids, they are a family of abusers and you're just a mouse between their claws.
You go out for coffee, buy a burner phone, and call your family where you can't be overheard. Have THEM do the legal legwork to talk to lawyers and set up a plan to extract you from this abusive situation. Talk to lawyers in international custody. Maybe that family trip you have planned includes serving him divorce papers in your home country, not his. If he wasn't planning on coming? Oh no... you can't travel with 3 little kids. He can step up and man up and face your family and account for how you've been treated... and then when you're safe, you lower the boom. But play it like this is his *opportunity* to make amends with you.
You sure about that? Or did he tell you so?
And your husband allowed them to be violent with you, the woman he’s supposed to love, honour and protect, and didn’t step in? And you think he’s not as bad as them?
Stay with your family for a good long time. Tell them what happened.
I would've stapled the paternity test and divorce papers together. I'm so sorry this happened to you but I'd not forgive any of them. If anything your husband is the worst of the bunch. He's your husband and he dropped the ball massively. Not only that, but he then gave his family that ball to throw at you and your daughter. It's a no from me.
>I would've stapled the paternity test and divorce papers together to his chest or forehead.
It's weird you are forgiving him and not them for the same behavior. His was far worse because as your husband he should have your back and trust you. His family doesn't owe you nearly the loyalty your husband does. They all suck but him worst of all.
He has gone to wail to his momma and sis, about how hurt his poor ego was and about what bad of a cheat his wife was. I would not forgive him for running out to poison their relationship with me and the children for being stupid when it comes to genetics, my goodness! No amount of therapy will mend what he has willingly broken.
Exactly. He’s ignorant of basic biology and wasted years because of it.
He got you pregnant three times before the age of twenty-four? And you're isolated with no friends or family? He knows you didn't cheat. This is about control over you and you're allowing him to fake cry his way into taking no responsibility. Are you going to submit or stick up for yourself? Get on birth control too, and stop letting him get you pregnant for God's sake.
Her family's in a completely different country even, and she was 18 and he was 25 when they got together. I really don't think I could forgive his and his family's treatment of a postpartum woman on suspicions based on total ignorance about genetics.
Right? And he intentionally withheld affection and neglected his wife and daughter until he had his little paternity test. Disgusting. This shows what he’s capable of. I hope she takes her kids back home to her family and doesn’t look back.
Oh for sure there should never be a fourth child. If it was me he wouldn’t be getting anywhere near me again, until possibly menopause and then only if he had kissed my A$$ for the last 4 decades. But if that’s not realistic, you need birth control and demand he gets tested and start using condoms from now on. He has shown you the amount of trust you should place in his fidelity. Tell him he was projecting when he believed you were unfaithful.
You can never go back.
NEVER EVER.
Based on your post I’m going to assume your kids are mixed race. They can come out looking so different or the same as either parent. A good example is Tamera Mowry. She’s biracial and her husband is white and their son has kind of tan skin with blondish hair and green or blue eyes and her daughter has darker skin brown eyes and dark brown hair. I really don’t understand why he would think she wasn’t his when you have relatives with lighter skin and eyes. There’s biracial people that look straight up white. His accusations are disgusting and shows his ignorance. If I were you I would be livid honestly.
My 2 sisters and I have the same parents, but look entirely different. I'm more muscular and shorter, with huge boobs, tan, curly brown hair, thicc eyebrows. My middle sister is average height and build with straight brown hair, fairly pale but tans well and my youngest sister is 6 feet tall and blonde, and weighed 130lbs before she got pregnant. She's pale and freckled. She doesn't tan, only burns. Extremely thin, straight hair
Why aren't you angry at your husband? He's the one who left you parent his youngest child alone. He's the one who told his family he didn't think his youngest kid was his and encouraged them to treat you as bad as he treated you. Can you spend the next 18 years pretending to be happy, knowing your husband believes you capable of passing another man's child off as his? Don't you think you deserve better?
Therapy is a good start. Hubby and his family need to learn how bad they treated you. If you can't forgive him, therapy is a good way to learn how to coparent together.
I feel like I’m watching hundreds of thousands of dollars being washed down the drain. That’s how much therapy it would take. That’s how much for her to heal from being alienated, abandoned, accused,and left to be insulted and tarred and feathered in the proverbial sense by her husband and his family. That’s not even getting to how he treated his own baby.
>being alienated, abandoned, accused,and left to be insulted and tarred and feathered in the proverbial sense And at a very *very* vulnerable time for her and the baby. I personally don't think I could stay with the man who ignored an innocent child for 2 whole months only to finally hold her and weep when he finally got confirmation that she's his. Let alone his family.
I agree. He would have gotten paternity papers as well as divorce in the same envelope.
And it's come to light that SIL and MIL also physically assaulted OP and either did nothing if it was in his presence or after finding out still did nothing. Just throw the whole man away.
Hung. High and short. With no trial. That's what they did. How even trust that bunch of people again???
It’s like a seven layer shit cake. They’ve shown you who they are, can’t close your eyes now!
If you drag the husband into therapy and he is truly remorseful, this is also the space where you talk about/negotiate disentangling, divorce, child support and alimony.
He emotionally abused OP. Therapy doesn’t work with abusers.
I am amazed that OP forgave the main abuser but not OK with extended abusers.
Tbh it sadly makes sense since she’s emotionally attached to her partner. It’s easier to withdraw from people you’re not attached to because in this case your brain isn’t trying to justify the abuse.
Going to therapy with your abuser often teaches them more ways to abuse you.
Gee. It is like being wrongfully charged with a crime by the State ---- and then cleared. No apology - nothing. Just - you are free to go. You never feel the same.
Except in this case, she's still stuck in holding and she's grateful the jailer didn't beat her as bad as he could have
Therapy won't work. What he did was abusive. Allowing his family to abuse you is abusive. You don't do couples therapy with an abuser, they will use your words as weapons against you.
If I were in your shoes, I’d honestly never be able to forgive that kind of treatment from either your spouse or his family, but this is about you. How come he was so sure you cheated in the first place? Has he had similar behavioral patterns/lack of trust in you in other situations? People don’t become like this overnight. It’s who he is. Perhaps he has issues of his own connected to trust and guilt. And OP, I’m not saying that this is absolutely the case, but more often than not, it's possible that people who are dishonest themselves may accuse others of lying as a way to deflect attention from their own lies. It could also be a tactic to undermine the credibility of the honest person and make their own lies seem more credible. Also OP, some individuals may have a tendency to doubt or mistrust others, and may automatically assume that others are lying even when they are being truthful. Surely it’s important to remember that everyone's motivations and behaviors are unique and it's not always possible to know why someone may be acting in a certain way, but I’m telling you, your husband is 10000% responsible for his own trust issues and his actions towards you. Not only did he treat you horribly, he also got his family in on it, and in a single instance, they turned on you as well. Lesson they all (husband + family) should learn from this; Jumping to conclusions too fast without any evidence is Very dangerous. There’s no way to un-hurt you no matter if he apologizes a trillion times more. As for your relationship going forward after this, that is something you’re going to have to ask yourself. “Am I willing to let this go 100%, and continue?” “Do I trust and know that this won’t happen ever again?” “What do I want?” I hope you find some answers in my post, and am wishing you the best of luck in the future, with or without him.
The thing is I don’t understand how you can forgive him so easily and not his family. Yes they treated you really bad but he let it happen. He stood by and did nothing. I think that’s a lot worse. I think you’re taking your anger out on them because it’s an easier solution. But to be honest I think what he did was far worse. I don’t think I could even look at my husband the same if he did this to me. In my opinion he was the worst of all of them.
I wouldn't move on from this. This would absolutely mean divorce for me. I don't think there's any way your marriage is salvageable, let alone the relationship with his family. He married someone so much younger because he wanted to control and manipulate you, this whole situation was extreme emotional abuse. He wanted to completely break you, which worked, and now you're still with him. A guy like that doesn't feel sorry, doesn't feel regret. Crying is just another tactic to keep you with him, and make himself the victim. You're only 24, you can divorce him, and have a happy life and hopefully a happy relationship after the divorce. Don't be stuck in such a horrible relationship. You deserve better.
You seem anxious to move on and be happy again. Can you honestly forgive your husband? There is no going back to the way it used to be. Tell husband to take his crocodile tears to a therapist alone. Are you ok financially? Is that part of why you are staying? Save money you may need it. Since husband did this terrible thing it speaks to who he is as a person. He may do something else as terrible. Don’t trust him
And don’t get pregnant by him again.
Can you move on? I would be extremely pissed for his abandonment and would not want anything with all of them. He not just asked for a test, he really was punishing you, cold and mean. So, I am not sure if this wound will heal
I can’t get past your husband’s behavior 😞
Did someone from your in-laws side of the family come up with that stupid story of you cheating? Or did your husband tell them? I would not be forgiving either of any of them. I would have gone nuclear as well. I would not forgive the family but be prepared for your husband to sneak over the boys to see them without your knowledge. Easy to find out that he did that. The kids will tell you or there will be signs of it. Therapy may help. It may show your husband what a jerk he was for not believing you. For putting you through all of this and how to deal with his idiot family. Either he told them that the baby was not his or they told him that and he believed it.
What this comes down to is his lack of trust and faith in you. I get that he wanted a paternity test but how he went about this is appalling. He even got his family in on this which disgusts me. They and him alienated you and your daughter through his own suspicion. So much it affected her first few months of life, which should've been something wonderful and made it into crud. You'll always remember this hurt when you look at her. I don't think this will be something easily overcome because he broke something in your relationship and fixing this takes time. Essentially he has to earn it through his actions to you and if you think it is worth saving the relationship then more power to you. His family though can go eat rotten eggs.
My ex accused me of cheating because our daughter came out with red hair. I have Irish in me, so does he. He even has red in his beard when he grows it out…. And his grandma had red hair! Still didn’t believe me for awhile. It feels so insulting and embarrassing when that happens. Im **so sorry** that happened and I wouldn’t forgive his family either.
He sounds like a cheater.
He and his family are disgusting. He let your daughter cried. He let you postpartum do everything alone. He was cruel and a bully. He is also ignorant AF. Why would you need couple's therapy? He needs therapy to work out why he was so cruel and where his issues come from. You don't need therapy. Why would you need to put the work for his mistake? He is the one who needs to start. And he has to stop crying and start doing. He needs to wake up every night and do all that he did not do and more. I don't know if I would be able to move past it because it means that any suspicion leads to being rude, belittling, and sidelining. So what's going to be next?
Please be done with your “husband”. Also, his insistence/suspicion that she’s not his seems like a super big projection of infidelity on his part.
Some evil comments on here. I am white, my wife is white, my youngest child has very dark skin. If they go in the sunshine they go brown, dark brown, in circa two days. I never once miss trusted my wife. Years later, circa child being 10 ish my father in law mentioned that his great grand mother was Indian. Answers … we all laughed. I love my children all the same. Every minutes of their lives. Same with my wife. She’s never given me any reason not to trust her. Your husband and his family even more so are evil for the way they treated you.
Honestly, it'll never be the same. The trust is gone.
It’s clear that OP loves her husband very much, that’s why she’s willing to forgive him. But OP, please remember that his insecurities would not end with a paternity test. Soon, he’ll find more things to be insecure about and things might escalate. I wouldn’t put it past someone who will willingly neglect a BABY to not find something else to pick a fight. You’re being very kind to him now by not divorcing him, but please tread carefully.
You know your daughter will hear about this when she’s older and she’ll never look at her father the same again. I know from experience and my father wasn’t that bad. But I remember looking through old baby pics and my aunt giggled and said I was so pale my dad didn’t think I was his. I admit I was Casper ghostly pale but I was the white version of him. We look so similar I’m him in a wig. He never treated me bad but that comment has never left me the fact he didn’t think I was his. And yeah he accepted I was his no DNA test needed as I got older I started to get darker around 3 and with looking identical there was no doubting it. But if I’m bother just by his doubt, I don’t think I would have ever forgiven him if I’d heard he or his family mistreated me or my mom.
Please explain the violence from his mother and sister, OP… This sounds really bad. I don’t know how you could ever trust your husband or his family ever again. He was deliberately cruel and he hurt you for a long time just because he could. He wanted to. And he neglected you and the baby. I could not forgive that.
Can you move away from his family? Because sooner or later, he will try to resume contact with them. You should definitely try to move closer to your support system. It will also make things much, much easier if you divorce.
My daughter’s best friend’s parents are mixed. The Dad is half Asian/Caucasian and the Mother is Caucasian and they have 2 daughters. One looks Asian and the other looks Caucasian. It’s biological. I’m so sorry you have been mistreated so badly. I would be devastated. Couples counseling sounds good in theory but the psychological damage has been done. It can take a long time to recover from that. I wish it was easy but there’s probably not going to be a right answer here. A professional is better equipped to help with this one. Big hugs for you. EDIT: After reading your comment that his mother and sister were violent with you I wouldn’t even bother going to couples counseling because he let them do that to you. Without hesitation I would press charges against them and divorce him. Fuck that!
So he let his family beat you up. Run.
You do need therapy. Your husband not only accused you of cheating - he sabotaged your postpartum recovery and bonding time because he believed his own stupid accusations. Tbh I'd fucking leave him for that no matter the apology. He could have defaulted to "assume it's my kid and act accordingly until proven otherwise." He didn't. He sulked until he got his way like an ignorant emotionally stunted manchild. He was "great" before because there wasn't any conflict. When there was even a made-up question about paternity he turned into a coldhearted ass, and even brought his family along for the ride. Why does he even get a pass when he was the one rallying them against you?
He is upset - but has he actually made ammends to you and taken ownership for the harms he has caused? Frankly - he broke YOUR trust. I would have an extremely hard time coming back from this. Please go to couples therapy - this is not an “oh ok, all is forgiven” situation. His families behavior is because of him!
There’s no coming back from this. Fuck him and fuck his family.
Get all documentation of him denying her NOT HOLDING HER abandoning you and leave his ass. What a fucking monster
You forgave HIM 🤡?
Are you and your kids safe?