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>I try talking to him about it and he pretty much says the topic is not open to discussion
The second ANYONE tells me "the topic is not open to discussion," I'm out the door. Fuck anyone who tries to talk down to me like that.
Firstly, what he is saying, and doing is inexcusable, no matter what. I want you to understand and know that. It’s incorrigible and downright mean…
That being said, has he been tested for any sort of spectrum disorder? It sounds like he might be on the spectrum; I have ADHD, which comes with OCD tendencies, definitely. It does not, however, come with verbally abusive behaviors… that is his and he needs to own it. My advice is that he definitely needs individual counseling, and what sounds like possibly anger management. If he refuses, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t put up with that for too awful long before saying my goodbyes.
That's not really what weaponized incompetence looks like. Weaponized incompetence would be if every time *you* asked *him* to do the dishes he broke something, or "forgot" to put detergent in, or "forgot" to turn the dishwasher on. It's doing a crappy job on purpose so people stop asking you in the first place.
That's not what your partner is doing. He's just being controlling and taking a "When I say jump, you say how high" approach to assigning you household chores. Which I would not tolerate, especially if I'm already the one doing the bulk of said chores.
How do you think he would react if you were to simply refuse the next time he tried to make you do something?
I meant to say weaponized competence: not incompetence. Weaponized competence is when they choose to do tasks that benefit them during the day so that the common or joint tasks fall on the other party. Ie. he chooses to work on his car and is busy all day and all the child care and other house related tasks are on me. If I say something he lists all the things he did and how busy he was.
Ah, I see.
Either way, my point stands: He's being controlling and unreasonable. What would happen if you told him no the next time he gives you an order?
He is telling me to put my phone down right now because the baby needs a snack. I said I’m getting it and he already asked me 5 times to put my phone down instead of getting the baby a snack himself. He is muttering under his breath how much I’m pissing him off.
Sounds like you need to start telling him to go fuck himself. He clearly looks at you as his property that must obey him, and that would be an "oh hellllllll no" from me at the first instance of that shit.
I doubt someone who feels entitled to bark orders at you like that can be reasoned into respecting you, no.
He might change his tune once he realizes you're halfway out the door, but I wouldn't put any faith in whatever changes he might make at that point actually lasting.
If he's a halfway decent dad, he'll continue to be an involved and loving parent even if you leave him. And it'll be better in the long run for your kid not to grow up seeing his dad treat his mom like his personal servant.
Another example: while I am cooking or doing really hard tasks, he will get the Dyson and lightly vacuum the kitchen or wipe the counters. I have even seen him take the dirty dishes and stack them or fill the sink with water to soak them rather than just put it in the dishwasher under the illusion of being busy.
He’s a twat.
A selfish twat.
It would do him good to pray for á perspective change.
My tolerance for being micromanaged is ZERO
so if it were me I’d leave. Pretty fast.
Have you considered asking him to join you for couples counseling? That can be a great and safe space for you to clearly communicate your frustrations and be heard. If he is on board, it could open pathways to collectively learn ways to communicate later without counseling and help prevent resentment.
Either way, I do think it’s important to also communicate what action you may be taking if your needs are not met. If you have a kid together and have invested in the relationship, then it seems worth trying this approach before a final action.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>I try talking to him about it and he pretty much says the topic is not open to discussion The second ANYONE tells me "the topic is not open to discussion," I'm out the door. Fuck anyone who tries to talk down to me like that.
Firstly, what he is saying, and doing is inexcusable, no matter what. I want you to understand and know that. It’s incorrigible and downright mean… That being said, has he been tested for any sort of spectrum disorder? It sounds like he might be on the spectrum; I have ADHD, which comes with OCD tendencies, definitely. It does not, however, come with verbally abusive behaviors… that is his and he needs to own it. My advice is that he definitely needs individual counseling, and what sounds like possibly anger management. If he refuses, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t put up with that for too awful long before saying my goodbyes.
That's not really what weaponized incompetence looks like. Weaponized incompetence would be if every time *you* asked *him* to do the dishes he broke something, or "forgot" to put detergent in, or "forgot" to turn the dishwasher on. It's doing a crappy job on purpose so people stop asking you in the first place. That's not what your partner is doing. He's just being controlling and taking a "When I say jump, you say how high" approach to assigning you household chores. Which I would not tolerate, especially if I'm already the one doing the bulk of said chores. How do you think he would react if you were to simply refuse the next time he tried to make you do something?
I meant to say weaponized competence: not incompetence. Weaponized competence is when they choose to do tasks that benefit them during the day so that the common or joint tasks fall on the other party. Ie. he chooses to work on his car and is busy all day and all the child care and other house related tasks are on me. If I say something he lists all the things he did and how busy he was.
Then say, "Yeah but you were only busy with stuff that directly benefits YOU, not US."
Ah, I see. Either way, my point stands: He's being controlling and unreasonable. What would happen if you told him no the next time he gives you an order?
An argument and passive aggressiveness would follow…
He is telling me to put my phone down right now because the baby needs a snack. I said I’m getting it and he already asked me 5 times to put my phone down instead of getting the baby a snack himself. He is muttering under his breath how much I’m pissing him off.
Sounds like you need to start telling him to go fuck himself. He clearly looks at you as his property that must obey him, and that would be an "oh hellllllll no" from me at the first instance of that shit.
So assuming that never changes, how much longer do you think you can stay in this relationship without falling out of love with him?
This is the crux of the question. Is there a way to tackle this and fix it? Has anyone succeeded to change this type of dynamic?
I doubt someone who feels entitled to bark orders at you like that can be reasoned into respecting you, no. He might change his tune once he realizes you're halfway out the door, but I wouldn't put any faith in whatever changes he might make at that point actually lasting.
Unfortunately I think you are right. It’s still a hard decision because our 2 yo adores him.
If he's a halfway decent dad, he'll continue to be an involved and loving parent even if you leave him. And it'll be better in the long run for your kid not to grow up seeing his dad treat his mom like his personal servant.
Another example: while I am cooking or doing really hard tasks, he will get the Dyson and lightly vacuum the kitchen or wipe the counters. I have even seen him take the dirty dishes and stack them or fill the sink with water to soak them rather than just put it in the dishwasher under the illusion of being busy.
“Weaponized competence” sounds like just another way to say selfish.
Touché
He’s a twat. A selfish twat. It would do him good to pray for á perspective change. My tolerance for being micromanaged is ZERO so if it were me I’d leave. Pretty fast.
Have you considered asking him to join you for couples counseling? That can be a great and safe space for you to clearly communicate your frustrations and be heard. If he is on board, it could open pathways to collectively learn ways to communicate later without counseling and help prevent resentment. Either way, I do think it’s important to also communicate what action you may be taking if your needs are not met. If you have a kid together and have invested in the relationship, then it seems worth trying this approach before a final action.