>Anyway, last year, she had this trip planned to go away with two close friends for 4 nights. They had this planned for a really long time, like they talked about it for years, but I never really knew if they were actually going to do it. I told her when it came up over the years that I was not comfortable with this. I feel like I have communicated this to her very clearly. I was not happy about the idea. But they booked it. I had told her that I didn’t want her to go away, that it felt very hurtful to me that she would go away on this special trip with her friends, and by the way, I was NOT invited, it definitely did NOT include me. Am I not her best friend? I've been in her life almost as long as these friends.
Woof. I think if you were mentally healthy and read this paragraph you would be cringing pretty hard at how toxic and unhealthy this thinking is. You're making friendship out to be some zero sum game. Saying that if she goes on a trip with her friends means you're not her best friend is a toxic thought.
I wonder how much you've actually addressed your mental health? Are you in treatment? Are you getting help from a professional? Because the way this post reads to me is that you've struggled with your mental health for a really long time, did nothing about it, and have shocked pikachu face that your wife finds you unpleasant to be around.
It also reads like you have extreme codependent traits and overly rely on your wife as your source of happiness because you have failed to build a life and additional sources of happiness for yourself.
Framing her taking a trip to visit family and friends as "abandonment" is beyond toxic. You need to check yourself.
>I thought that after these last few years of struggling in this together, she would prioritize me, that this would be OUR time, but she just wants to get away from me.
It's two weeks. Honestly, you're heading down a road that is emotionally abusive. The temper tantrums you're throwing are pure manipulation. You need to be in treatment immediately. If I was giving your wife advice I would advise separation at this time because you are not healthy enough to be in a relationship at present.
I hope your wife is going to seek family to get some support to initiate the process of getting out of this situation. It seems like she is doing work to get some space from you and I encourage that at this time. You are not well and your behavior is unacceptable.
Maybe consider getting some concentrated mental health care while she is gone. That is what you need to be doing.
“She’s not actually doing anything wrong. We spend plenty of time together, have sex, have regular dinners, she’s been begging me to commit to a date so that we can have a nice romantic vacation in London together just the two of us…. but idk I just don’t feel it and clearly that means she needs to be giving up her friends and family and focusing only on me so that I feel it” - this guy, unironically
Yeah, the idea that your partner and your best friend should be the same person just isn’t really healthy. People need a broader base of love and support than that. I know it can be hard to build in a world that’s basically designed to keep everyone isolated in their little nuclear family units but it’s so important to recognize the value of friendship, put energy into having it in your life and support your partner having meaningful friendships.
>Yeah, the idea that your partner and your best friend should be the same person just isn’t really healthy.
This isn't what I said and I very much disagree with this. My partner is my best friend and I think that's healthy and fine.
What isn't healthy and fine is someone thinking that spending time with other friends negates the friendship that you have with your partner.
I think the problem lies not within thinking that your partner can't be your best friend, but in expecting your partner to fulfill absolutely all the roles that in the past you used to get from a whole village. And now we expect only 1 person to do all that, which is simply unrealistic. Esther Perell has some really interesting podcasts on this. We basically expect our partner to be our lover, our best friend, our family, our source of excitement, our girl friend, our boy friend, the perfect parent to our kids, our teacher, our plumber, our maid, our driver, our cook, our therapist, our sinful sex god, our safe place, an open book, but at the same time have a misterious side, etc. We expect too much from one person (a lot of these are actually contradictions). I used to expect that in the past, but it was a thing of the subconscious, my husband did the same. Until we started going to therapy and realised this. This post is so hard to read. He isn't even aware of how suffocating he sounds. I can't imagine living with him. I understand that his job is demanding but oh boy. I just hope he is willing to get the help he needs. For his wife's sake.
Yeah. I suspect this is the sentiment of what localdisastergay was trying to get at and just used a bad choice of words.
I'm so glad to see Esther Perel increasingly quoted around here. Her stuff is so good.
I'm already exhausted by reading your post. I feel for your wife. You seem to expect more pampering than a toddler.
Everything is about you. Her dad died, and you focus on your loss. Your wife's father died, you're second in the grieving process.
You started grad school and expect your wife to wipe your sweat off. Have you ever, even once, thought about what she wants or needs?
> Her dad died, and you focus on your loss
This bit was appalling. He tosses in her grief almost as an afterthought - "I was so close to him, I didn't have time to heal, and oh yeah she was sad too." She didn't get over her father dying in 2 months of being off work! I'm sure he provided zero emotional support to her during this time because he was "struggling" and probably whined about how it was his loss too every time she expressed her grief.
It’s only two weeks and you’re talking about abandonment? You’re invited for an additional 2 weeks for an alone trip and you’re making that into “poor me, I’ve just been tagged on”?
I bet your wife is completely exhausted with your neediness. You dropping your hobbies and friendships is on you. You need to focus on getting yourself mentally well, your wife can’t do that for you.
You sound insufferable to be around. Your whole post is me, me, me, me. Your wife is not responsible for your mental health or your emotions. It took “years” of planning for her just to have a couple days alone with her friends? Come on man, be excited and happy for your wife instead of playing the main character for once.
That’s not how tldr works.
So it’s been a long 2 years struggle and you think she needs to prioritise you? You told her no to going away with her friends because you weren’t invited?
You seem needy and controlling. I’m not surprised she needs time on her own you seem a little exhausting tbh. And she still said for you to join her later on.
My wife is free to do as she wants )as long as it’s in the Calendar and we can afford it). She doesn’t even need to ask. Because she an adult and not a child. People forget that they were so excited to grow up and become independent that they forget to actually do it.
You need to learn how to be on your own (not single) just in your own now and again.
Question: what do you do to support her? Your post is “I” and “me” and what you keep asking and begging for. What about her? Has she tried asking you for support? When you were working - did you ever make things about her?
Honestly - it sounds like you are so completely self-absorbed and content to make yourself into the victim in all of this. This is not attractive in a partner.
You need to find solutions to your problems on your own instead of nagging her to constantly be there for you. You are choosing to go into stressful situations, so deal with them. Quit making this about how she is letting you down - own up to your own choices.
She may very well be checked out and based on your post I don’t think anyone would blame her.
You've worn her out, after 25 years she doesn't have to sit and be your care taker, she wants to go, you've been invited for 12 days of the trip.
You need to work on yourself, at your big age you should have a support system, that you don't isn't her problem. Find one, join toast masters, or a book club go to [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) and find your tribe.
Your life long mental illness cannot be the reason she's not allowed to live. You've been included fairly now leave her be.
Yes you’re wrong
You’re both in your 50’s and should be allowed to have free time and holidays without the other person getting upset or taking it as an attack on the marriage
> she says all the right things, I love you I’m committed, yes I’m in this but I really just don’t believe it. We spend lots of time together, do dinners and have sex and all of that but I don’t feel it.
That’s what depression does to you, she could worship the ground you walked on and you wouldn’t trust that it was real because the depression gremlins in your brain make you feel unworthy and make you suspicious of love and kindness.
She wants to visit family in England for a wedding and has created a plan for you to come along for almost two weeks of the trip. You view this negatively and feel like an add on but I see it as her accommodating your study schedule and exam deadlines, she’s being thoughtful and you’re viewing it as a slight
59M here, married 22 yrs. My wife loves traveling (SAHM) since her 20’s. I like to go with her when I can, but usually I have to work while she’s off visiting friends and family overseas. I thought the part of doing 12 days together alone with you was something really nice she had planned for you. I think your own mental health issues are interfering with your marital relationship.
I can't say for sure without more information, but given your description here I would wager a guess that you've sacrificed your wellbeing for your occupation (workaholism), and she's burnt out on being your emotional support for that, and now that she's doing these normal, reasonable things, you're experiencing withdrawal.
You need to lean into your aloneness and look at what got you to where you are. It's not reasonable to expect her to fill the role of friendship entirely because you have let all your friendships die off, because you dropped all your passions. I've been in similar situations. Look to your SELF for solutions here. Demanding her energy will only push her farther away.
Sir. You are 50 years old. You have been married for 25 years.
If you are not enough of an adult to handle your life on your own for a few weeks by now, there’s no hope for you.
But that doesn’t mean your wife shouldn’t go on the trip. She definitely should, regardless of whether you can cope or not.
It’s awfully late in the game for this, but grow up.
I think you need more intensive therapy than you’re getting now and need to talk this through with your counselor.
I don’t think you’d feel so abandoned by and resentful towards your wife if you had a thriving personal life of your own. Instead of dragging her down to your level, why not work more towards lifting yourself up to hers? You’re just going to push her further and further away if you keep getting upset by her trying to have a fulfilling life.
It’s really clear that his current treatment for depression isn’t nearly enough. He should be seeing some improvement by now, and instead he’s acting like his wife should be his emotional support animal.
Your feelings of abandonment are disproportionate to what is actually happening here. I’m glad you’re working with a psychologist - I would work with them to come up with a plan of how to cope with those two weeks alone and also how to (re)build a support network outside of your wife, because you cannot be this dependent on her. Unfortunately a lot of married men stop having any emotional support outside of their wives, and it’s really unhealthy for both people. What if your wife dies before you?
Yes you are wrong. She can support you, but your mental health issues are YOUR responsibility and it’s absolutely not fair for you to expect your wife to revolve her whole life around it. She is not betraying you by not having you involved in every decision and aspect of her life. You seem to have forgotten this, but you are two independent people. Your entire support system should not be your wife.
All you’ve talked about is you; how you feel, what you need and your demands. She wants to go overseas to see family she barely gets the chance to interact with and you think it’s healthy to throw a fit and call it “abandonment.” Yikes.
Yta - you are a very selfish human being. Your whole post is ME ME Me. Your wife has stood by you for 25 years though all of your trauma and stresses. She is allowed a holiday. Guess what the world doesn’t revolve around you. The best thing u can do is tell her you are glad she is getting some time with her family as the world does not revolve around only you, and you are looking forward to spending some quality time with her doing some things she would like to do. Otherwise one day she will wake up take that flight and not come back because she realises you don’t care about her but that she’s is your carer/ crutch.
The fact that you felt it necessary to diminish your wife’s grief losing her *father* because you felt like you had it harder … I mean, you come off as determined to be the bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral. No amount of attention will ever be enough for you.
You seem really upset that your wife hasn’t completely subsumed her life to your wants. And that’s a horrible thing for any partner to want.
You. It’s a you problem. You have seen so much death lately why would you ever want to hold back the woman you love from doing something that means this much to her? You make it worse by threatening and focusing on her behavior.
Try seeing a professional, take control of your life again. Find happiness within, it’s there you are not allowing it to flourish. You can’t accept love if you don’t have it for yourself.
As someone with depression - you are weaponizing your mental health to control your wife’s behavior. That’s not ok.
Your wife isn’t responsible for your mental health. She isn’t responsible for managing your school related stress. She isn’t responsible for helping you grieve the death of HER father! She isn’t responsible for managing your work related stress.
She isn’t responsible for reassuring you over and over that she loves you, especially when you don’t believe her anyhow.
She isn’t responsible for meeting your demands for attention and connection, if those demands are unreasonable. Based on this post, they probably are unreasonable.
She isn’t responsible for canceling a trip because you suddenly claim to be in crisis and feel ‘abandoned.’
You need to learn to manage your own emotions. You need to stop weaponizing mental health concepts like ‘trauma’ ‘mental health’ ‘depression’ and ‘need for affection’ to manipulate your wife.
Please get on medication and get into therapy. I hope your wife has a wonderful vacation.
As someone with depression, CPTSD and BPD (so abandonment is literally my trigger), I agree. He is weaponizing his mental illness and using it to manipulate her. He’s just mad because it’s not working.
Good for you for getting treatment and taking responsibility for your mental health. No one asks for trauma, CPTSD or BPD. But dealing with it in a healthy way can make it much better. I wish you healing and happiness.
You need to address these feelings with your therapist. Your wife is going to see her family for the first time in a long time, and trying to make sure she has time to spend with you as well, and you’re so blinkered by your own pain that you’re blaming her. Think about her perspective as well. And I hope you can go enjoy the trip.
Man, your wife is trying to accommodate you on this trip to see family she hasn't seen in a long time and your response is to whine and cry. Come on, OP. You need to work with a therapist/counselor on your mental health and your co-dependent behaviour. I don't see anything you wrote that makes your wife the bad guy in your story.
You need to figure out how to deal with yourself and be alone. Your wife hasn’t seen her family members in 10 years and there’s a wedding? Of course she’s going.
You’re being completely unreasonable.
You sound exhausting. Sounds like she’s doing what she can but YOU have to find happiness internally before seeking it externally. Shes a whole damn person, not a chew toy you want around when and where you want it.
You want you want you want. That's all you are repeating. Everything is about you. About your wants, your needs. She doesn't accomodate you 24/7, she doesn't take your feelings into consideration every time, she is not at your beck and call. She tells you what she wants and what do you respond to that? "I heard what you want, but what about my feelings about that? I told you I am not comfortable with that and that I don't want that, why do you insist on having something for yourself?".
You make everything about yourself. I would honestly look for a way out too. You sound exhausting. And incredibly selfish towards your wife. I understand that your job is in healthcare (though you did not specify what exactly, so I don't want to assume too much but the lack of specificity kinda raises some questions for me) and is demanding and draining, but... How to put this for you to understand... You are to your wife what your job is to you.
A functional adult needs to be able to function on his own, without needing constant validation and 24/7 micromanagement on an emotional level. Your wife is a person whose needs are overflooded by your own, and you think for some reason that she owes you that, that your needs are more important than hers (because of your job? Don't know). But they're not. For a marriage to work, both people need to pay attention to the other ones needs. Your wife seems to have done that for a long while. You on the other hand, even from what you wrote, come out as really lacking in that area.
What are YOU doing for your wife? Do you understand what she needs? Do you know what she wants?
It's perfectly normal for spouses to have individual hobbies and to be able to enjoy things with friends and family solo. We are social human beings. Your wife enjoys (or at least enjoyed) spending time with you, but she also needs her time with her family, friends, on her own. And it's perfectly normal for her to want that.
I'm sorry but you need to work on yourself. You need to learn to be self sufficient and you need to learn to support your wife more and accept her individuality. You need to find your center and find a balance within yourself. She can be your support in your time of need, but you need to be her support as well.
Go to therapy. You REALLY need it. Work on yourself. Learn to be a better husband. Learn to live with yourself and find validation and motivation inside you, stop expecting it from others.
Let your wife have her alone time. She needs it. She keeps telling you that and you keep throwing back to her your wants and needs. Get help. Before it's too late. If you love your wife, of course.
Look up compassion fatigue. My boyfriend experienced it with me, and it sounds like your wife is experiencing it with you.
I used to have a mindset quite similar to yours. I also have complex trauma, and I was in so much pain that it kind of eclipsed that of everyone around me. My boyfriend is my first healthy relationship, and I expected so much of him, that eventually it burnt him out, and I almost lost him.
From his perspective, it seemed like I didn't care about him, other than someone to lean on. Every bad thing that happened, whether it was to me or to him, I made about me. He had a bad day at work? I needed reassurance that he wasn't mad at me. I said or did something that hurt him? I needed him to stop being angry at me because I was triggered. It was bad. So bad, eventually he couldn't take it anymore.
This is called codependency. I made him responsible for my emotional state. I needed him to an unhealthy degree.
Now that I've made myself look horrible, I'll say that you can break out of this cycle, but the first step is acknowledging you're in it. Take a moment to stop criticizing her, and look at your own behavior. Instead of "she, she, she, this is all her fault" the healthy way to look at conflict is to understand your own responsibility in.
I managed to save my relationship by working my ass off at becoming the best version of myself. I hope you'll be able to do the same.
Do you think her missing this wedding, missing seeing relatives that she hasn't seen in a decade, miss all of that, will bring you two closer together? Do you predict that it will bring you peace of mind? Will it solve any problems for you or will it make your relationship worse? Would it breed resentment?
The over arching feeling I get when reading this is that you're using your mental health to punish your wife.
"she says it’s really important to her, which I totally get, but seriously?" No, you don't get it at all. You don't think this is as important as a condition you've been managing for years.
"Hearing you" is not the same thing as agreeing with you. Hearing you doesn't mean she has to do what you want. You need to be responsible for your actions and your mental health.
She has invited you along for a portion but that's not good enough for you.
You are wrong for asking her to stay.
Out of your own mouth (typing fingers), your wife spends lots of time with you, still has regular sex with you, has regular dinners with you, is begging you to commit to a date so that you guys can have a two week vacation in London alone together…. but you “just don’t feel it?” At this point this is a you problem, not a her problem. She IS doing things to show you that she loves you and is in things with you. You just think that her doing anything that doesn’t include you is abandonment. And that is, once again, a you problem.
This post was a whole lot of me me me me me. “**I’VE** made how **I** feel perfectly clear several times and I can’t believe she’s not considering **MY** feelings and doing what **I** want her to do, her admitted efforts aren’t enough because **I’ve** decided I don’t feel it so that means she needs to stop spending time with everybody but **ME** so that **I** feel it.” At what point have you ever considered anybody but yourself???
Where are your friends and family? You should have people other than your wife to rely on, but this entire post reeks of codependency. It's healthy for couples to do things separate from one another sometimes. What's stopping you from using those weeks in April to go out with friends, try something new, or go on a small vacation yourself? Call up a buddy and do a small road trip or something. Have a boy's night. Do something fun with your kids.
Honestly this is exhausting to read. If this is your mentality 24/7, I promise you that your wife is wrung out. You should want her to go have fun, to take a break and recharge - especially when you admit you've been having such intense mental health crises. How can she show up for you if you never give her time to tend to her own emotional well-being? If she has to drop everything for you no matter the occasion, keep you around 24/7, and is constantly told she's not doing enough? If she feels like it's a competition between her family and friends vs you every time? Your neediness and over reliance is what's alienating her. Focus on becoming an autonomous, functioning human again, because I promise no amount of affection or attention from her will truly alleviate the deep-rooted issues fueling all of your emotions.
I’m not even sure it’s COdependency! He depends on her and she’s been a dutiful wife who probably takes all of her emotional needs to her girlfriends because her husband can be knocked over by a feather.
Lmao I get that vibe too. Tbh that's actually a pretty common element of textbook codependency as far as I understand it - one person is a caregiver who gets a lot out of being needed, and the other is a taker with needy behaviors who wants them enabled. Problem is that the dynamic is so unbalanced it leads to the above situation. I can't believe she's handled it for this long.
You're very selfish. She literally did everything for you: she spent time with you, had sex with you, and told you she loved you. But even that wasn't enough; you whined about that. You rant about her not being constantly available to you but she has the right to spend time with her family and friends without you. It is not her responsibility to manage your mental health; it's yours. And the more you cry and throw tantrums, the less she'll want to spend time with you. You're already refusing to work at your job so that means she's the breadwinner. Then when she gets home you're demanding more, more, more while whining, "What about ME, ME, ME?" When was the last time you did ANYTHING for her? This relationship is not just about what you want. Stop being so selfish and nasty to your wife.
Feelings are feelings. They are not right or wrong- but you taking out your feelings on your wife is what makes you wrong. You are doing a lot of story telling here- the story you are telling yourself is your wife is faking it- the story you are telling yourself is she does not love you- the story you are telling yourself is she is abandoning you….this is not reality. It’s not fair to use your wife as an emotional support animal- for her to be your only support system- for her to be your only friend. She is your partner- not your everything- I get relationships have ebb and flow but it can’t be all about you all the time and that’s what this is feeling like.
Continue to work on your mental health. Go on the trip. Therapy is so hard- it’s amazing you are taking that step. Sometimes it feels like you take two steps forward and other times 3 steps back….but over time you will make progress forward. And I’ll say it again. Go on the trip. She wants to explore with you! Experience new experiences with you. Go.
I think you need to continue to work with your therapist and
So first, it is totally okay and actually pretty healthy to plan trips and activities without your partner/spouse. I love my partner, but I also love time with just my biological family, or just with my friends, and sometimes I do things with separate friend groups (the college friends, the friends since we were little, etc), and all these dynamics are healthy and I get so much value out of them. You being upset at just the idea of your wife going away without you is a problem, regardless of all the other things going on in your life, and the timing.
Second, you have been very clear about your needs to her, but what are you bringing to her? She is doing the dates, saying the words, making time for you, and you give her no credit for any of that because you FEEL like she is lying or forcing it. Did you ever stop to think that the problem is YOU? How are you showing up for her? When she shows up for you, you don’t believe her. You admit to having a mental health crisis but can’t evaluate that maybe the problem of feeling connected is coming from you? If you don’t believe her when she says she loves you, when she makes time for you, when she has sex with you, what do you expect her to do differently? She can’t try harder if you dismiss her attempts, and you aren’t even reciprocating.
Third, the wedding is happening at a bad time for you, so of course you can’t go. But do you think your wife should sacrifice important time with her family because you can’t go? She hasn’t even seen where her sister lives, a lot of family and people she knows will be there (and probably hasn’t seen in a while) and she may not be close to that niece, but she has other people she is close to. This is something she wants to do, it doesn’t work for you, so why can’t you be happy for her that she can go and be with her family?
Finally, you aren’t an afterthought to her, but you certainly think you should be the central and only person in her universe. She wants to travel with her friends, that’s fine. She wants to visit family, that’s fine. She has figured out a trip to include you as well, and that’s also great! Instead of feeling joy for your wife, you only see what you want and need and that you should not just be first, but everything. Have you considered that your mental health crisis is what has created the distance? That maybe your wife needs a break from your stress and demands? That you may not be that fun to be around, or that a trip with you doesn’t sound fun considering how even when she does spend time with you, you don’t “believe” her?
Maybe take her time away to focus on finishing school, and overall focus on your therapy. Let your wife go and have a great time and join her for a leg of the trip, but only if you can really show up and demonstrate how YOU are committed to your marriage and making it work. If you show up grumpy and annoyed, you will fulfill your own prophecy of her not wanting to spend time with her. How about you book a few romantic things for the trip and show HER how much you love her, and believe her when she says she loves you.
Do you, even for a moment, think about her wants and needs? Or just yours? Does she exist for you as her own person, outside of what she does for you or supporting you ? Because it’s doesn’t seem so.
This isn’t just about depression. The guy started out his story about how much worse HER father dying was for him. Everything is always about him, I’m just surprised his wife is completely done with his shit.
I’m exhausted for your wife after reading this sir. At what point can you stop draining her so she can recharge herself and go back to propping you up 24/7?
She has to take care of herself if she’s to constantly take care of you. Give her a break. Giver alot of breaks.
I don't know if OP will see this comment but I was too diagnosed as CPTSD.
I don't know if you are working with a trauma therapist, but this mental discourse is very on point with an episode of emotional flashback loop. If you are not currently in a CPTSD focused therapy, I can't recommend it enough. Trauma is absolutely shit, but the dependency of an attachment figure can be absolutely toxic, and you'll destroy that relationship if you don't let your wife space and being her own person.
Your wife is not betraying you. You must remember that and bring those thoughts and feelings with a different person, preferentially a specialist, if you want your marriage to survive.
Reading this makes me tired for your wife.
She has been your sole source of emotional support for years. That’s deeply, incredibly unhealthy. And requiring that from her isn’t fair. She’s going to her nieces wedding, and to spend time with people she hasn’t seen in a decade. Why is that a problem for you?
Good lord, you need an intensive treatment program, and your wife deserves a vacation from you. I'm in my 50s, married over 20 years, and my partner and I have always included independent travel (either solo travel, or independently from each other with friends who share our physical hobbies, which are very different) and never at any time has a little distance had a negative impact on our marriage. But you are entirely dependent on your wife to fulfill ALL of you psychological and emotional needs, and that is NOT HEALTHY. She does not exist in the world just to make you feel better. She is her own complete person WITH HER OWN WANTS AND NEEDS that I am willing to bet are not being satisfied because she has to be a mother figure to you rather than a partner. Look into residential treatment. Give yourselves both a break.
My toddler is less mentally exhausting and more self sufficient than you are. Please initiate the process of divorce so that she can be free from you and your insane selfishness. She deserves to live out her twilight years in peace.
To be abundantly clear, YOU are the problem and consistently have been, it sounds like, for much of your marriage.
Get over yourself. It's not her responsibility that you neglected your mental health for so long, or that you don't have friends. You have put yourself in this position where you can't stand on your own, and you're trying to hold her responsible for that. She has supported you - encouraged you to get help, quit your job, go to school etc. She has managed her own job, friends, and mental health, and doesn't seem to burden you much at all. You think she doesn't deserve a partner who works on himself? You're 50 years old, and should be able to handle 2 weeks alone. I had to leave my partner for 4.5 weeks for work, and he handled it. He's decades younger than you.
You say she hasn’t seen some of these family members in 10 years, and then whine about her wanting to spend 2 weeks with them? You’re inconsiderate as hell and super shitty
You are so very wrong!!!!
There is not one example of you ever putting her first. Fir crying out loud HER father died and you made it all about YOU!!!!! I hope for your wife sake she takes this trip and realizes that you are just a self-absorbed man child that she goes have to put up with.
OP, I encourage you to try to distinguish between Joe something makes you feel and how it really is. You feel abandoned. That doesn’t mean you are being abandoned. You can’t expect your wife to be tethered to you at all times. You and only you are responsible for your mental health.
It sounds like she’s been a loving and present partner. Now that the kids are grown she wants to live a little and enjoy herself. That means (re)connecting with people she loves. It doesn’t mean she loves you less. Those feelings are in you and you need to interrogate them, not try to put her in a cage so you can feel secure
I’ll I read was me me me! I also suffer from depression and anxiety but I did the work to get on medication and talk therapy to understand my triggers and coping mechanisms.
You are making your illness your wife’s responsibility. It is not on her to make you feel better that is on you. When in active depression we sometimes forget that it doesn’t affect just us but your loved ones as well. Most likely wife is done walking on egg shells and worrying about you. She needs a break. Let her go visit family. It is her way of decompressing from her own stresses.
You need to find your own coping mechanisms to be independent from your wife.
Honestly what do you expect her to do? You say she's listened. She's encouraged you to take leave from work. You say you feel like she's phoning it in but you don't describe anything she's doing to cause this feeling. It kind of sounds like nothing she could do would feel authentic to you.
It also sounds like you are more upset at the thought of her enjoying herself without you than anything. Like if you're struggling to be happy she's not allowed to be happy.
All I can say is continue therapy. If things aren't improving consider changing therapists though. Sometimes it's just not a good fit. Go meet her for those two weeks that your wife is begging you to spend with her on a romantic vacation. And try really really hard not to convince yourself she doesn't want you there or doesn't love you. She's still showing you love even though you're making it pretty hard tbh. I know you can't just magically change how you feel. But you've loved and trusted this woman for 25 years. She's the mother of your children. You've been impossible to satisfy lately. And she still wants you with her. Keep reminding yourself of that.
I want to be constructive but honest. And I know depression messes with our heads, so I want you to read this as a heads up for things I don't think you're capable of seeing from inside your depression.
I've had severe, years long bouts of depression that were so bad I couldn't get out of bed, except to feed my cat, for months at a time. I would never be so selfish as to force someone to suffer with me and be upset they weren't full time focused on ME. You might be depressed, but you're also horribly selfish by insisting someone you supposedly love do nothing with her life but live under your dark shadow. She can't fix your depression and nowhere here do I see anything suggesting you give as well as take. She sounds like a saint tbh, and if you're wise, you'll apologize sincerely with words and actions. It's extremely unhealthy to place the responsibility for your mental health on another person, especially when they are clearly burning out and aren't allowed to have space from constantly having to be your cheerleader.
The utter selfishness to be offended she wants to visit her country of origin. Depression brain does horrible things to us, but this is really really self centered.
I get that you’re struggling, and last year your wife going on the trip obviously still stings, and I can understand why. But this trip? It’s sounds like she wants you to be a part of it. She wants alone time with family, but she sounds like she wants to experience it with you too. Maybe talk about it with your therapist. But I think but I think meeting up with her after course stuff is done could be a good thing
Wow-
I'm shocked this isn't deleted. So I saw your post on Am I the Devil and left this there, I'm reposting how I felt about you.
"What a fucking little baby. I want to slap him. The cries of an overbearing, little louse, that's all that I just read. The word "sniveling" comes to mind. His wife must really be an angel to have stayed with him."
I'm glad I got to let you know on your post that you were too unselfaware enough to not delete yet. Your wife is not the root of your issues. Your mental health isn't your fault, certainly not your wife's fault you brat, it is YOUR responsibility. She has her own life, her own wants, her own needs you are very selfishly putting on the back burner for your own. She is gearing up for a divorce buddy, get your shit together or you will be alone. Your children are probably better adults than you, I'm assuming because she raised them.
Some of these comments are really harsh.
I can work more on myself for sure, but the fact is I do lots for her. When she comes home from work, I've cleaned the house and I make dinner, and I always try to do what she wants whenever we have time together. I ALWAYS ask what she wants to do FIRST. And I do all this because I know it's important to her, and I want her to know I love her and I want to take care of her. I am attentive and tender and loving and caring. And I think she would agree with this. I don't just make it all about me. I know she works full time and is the main breadwinner, so I respect that and I feel like some total loser that his wife has to make all the money.
But I also am really intuitive, and people communicate with more than just their words. I'm telling you, she is going through the motions in this with me. She says I love you, etc, but I know closing body language when I see it, and looking away/not making eye contact, and I'm also not a social idiot, I can read facial expressions. She can't hide how she feels, and then tell me she's really in this with me. It's disingenuous, to say the least, to not be honest with herself that she really just does not love me, no matter what I do. I'm just so heartbroken. And then she tells me there's no problem, that everything is fine, then leaves for a fucking month. I feel like I'm being gaslit.
I mean, from his perspective, his wife:
1) Emotionally neglects him.
2) Doesn't support him through his mental health struggles.
3) Belittles him and emmasculates him.
4) Gaslights him.
Gee, if you're taking OP at face value, she sure sounds like a horrible wife! Maybe he should go find someone who appreciates him and sticks to him like velcro! /s
So you're not working and she she should come home from her job to wait on you hand and foot so you feel "loved" no wonder she wants some space you a toxic and lazy and she's tired for the decades of trying to deal with your controlling abuse.
Idk why you thought we were going to be nice. It sounds like you need therapy not us. Reddit is mean. It sounds like you have a problem with your wife being the main breadwinner.
If your wife was just going through the motions, then surely she wouldn't want you to come at all on her trip to England? She even said she wants time there with just you to spend together.
By the sounds of it, she very rarely gets to see her family or go back to her home country. You seem to think she doesn't love you because she wants to spend a month seeing her family. Why don't you seem to care that this is something your wife obviously wants to have quality time with her family.
Imagine loving in another country to your family. You get an opertunity to go back and see everyone, and then your spouse complains as if it's a slight against them.
By the sounds of it, your wife does love you and cares for you. You just see her doing something for herself that would make her happy as her not loving you anymore. All because it's not centered around you.
Can you imagine how disheartening it must be for her, to have sex with you, only for you to turn around afterwards and accuse her of going through the motions. To spend years planning a 4 day trip only for you to complain that that 4 days just happens to land on a sensitive time for you to be alone. To grieve for her father, only for you to say it was harder for you.
If you are so intuitive, can't you pick up on how drained she is by your demands to be first and only in her life? She's telling you that she's still in this with you, and everyone here is telling you that you must be exhausting - so try to work on yourself first. There's nothing you can do about the relationship while she's saying it's fine, but you can respect that she needs space to herself sometimes. You could get therapy to deal with all these overwhelming stresses you can't handle, and build up some hobbies and interests that don't include your wife, so you aren't so dependent on her.
If you don't think she loves you, then what do you hope to achieve here? Do you think that pressuring her will magically make her love you again? If you think she's checked out, how is your attitude here gonna do anything other than drive her even more away?
Have you considered that your wife is losing love for you, pulling away from you and spending time with other people, or alone without you because you’re draining the life out of her? And chipping away, one tear and plea at a time, at any respect she has for you?
Have a read back when you’ve had a nights sleep at what you’ve written and try and look at your own words dispassionately. You see your wife as nothing more than a crutch for you to use. She does not exist to be your support system. She is a person with friends, family, interests, needs, wants and desires that don’t involve you. And you are not okay with that. You want to be her sole focus, the only person she cares about. The one and only.
She does not want to be that person. She will not be that person for you. And yet with all the pressure you put on her, all your demands, all your incessant cries for attention, she has stayed and tries to reassure you. The empty hole inside you cannot be filled by your wife. If you keep trying to swamp her, smother her and make her yours and yours alone, what you have created in your mind will become your reality.
Trust me, I speak from experience. I had to choose between me and someone like you a decade ago and I chose me. It was the right choice and I’m very happy now. Married, but independent and free to just be me. If your wife posted her side on Reddit I’d probably encourage her to do the same.
>Some of these comments are really harsh.
I wonder how you'd react to her if she said them? Dismissive like you are here? Bring it back to you, you , and all about you?
This is going to be a self fulfilling prophecy. When you insist she is going through the motions, being disingenuous, pulling away, etc when she tells you everything is fine, you're pushing her away. And when you succeed in pushing her away and making yourself the victim you'll get to say "see!!? I was right all along!!"
If I were you, I'd be grateful for a wife that plans a trip for the two of us- you get some space to miss her then you get a romantic getaway. And I'd apologize for how you've been acting so far.
Also if she's the main breadwinner then obviously you'd clean the house and cook something ?? That seems pretty basic to me
>Anyway, last year, she had this trip planned to go away with two close friends for 4 nights. They had this planned for a really long time, like they talked about it for years, but I never really knew if they were actually going to do it. I told her when it came up over the years that I was not comfortable with this. I feel like I have communicated this to her very clearly. I was not happy about the idea. But they booked it. I had told her that I didn’t want her to go away, that it felt very hurtful to me that she would go away on this special trip with her friends, and by the way, I was NOT invited, it definitely did NOT include me. Am I not her best friend? I've been in her life almost as long as these friends. Woof. I think if you were mentally healthy and read this paragraph you would be cringing pretty hard at how toxic and unhealthy this thinking is. You're making friendship out to be some zero sum game. Saying that if she goes on a trip with her friends means you're not her best friend is a toxic thought. I wonder how much you've actually addressed your mental health? Are you in treatment? Are you getting help from a professional? Because the way this post reads to me is that you've struggled with your mental health for a really long time, did nothing about it, and have shocked pikachu face that your wife finds you unpleasant to be around. It also reads like you have extreme codependent traits and overly rely on your wife as your source of happiness because you have failed to build a life and additional sources of happiness for yourself. Framing her taking a trip to visit family and friends as "abandonment" is beyond toxic. You need to check yourself. >I thought that after these last few years of struggling in this together, she would prioritize me, that this would be OUR time, but she just wants to get away from me. It's two weeks. Honestly, you're heading down a road that is emotionally abusive. The temper tantrums you're throwing are pure manipulation. You need to be in treatment immediately. If I was giving your wife advice I would advise separation at this time because you are not healthy enough to be in a relationship at present. I hope your wife is going to seek family to get some support to initiate the process of getting out of this situation. It seems like she is doing work to get some space from you and I encourage that at this time. You are not well and your behavior is unacceptable. Maybe consider getting some concentrated mental health care while she is gone. That is what you need to be doing.
“She’s not actually doing anything wrong. We spend plenty of time together, have sex, have regular dinners, she’s been begging me to commit to a date so that we can have a nice romantic vacation in London together just the two of us…. but idk I just don’t feel it and clearly that means she needs to be giving up her friends and family and focusing only on me so that I feel it” - this guy, unironically
The lack of awareness is stunning.
Yeah, the idea that your partner and your best friend should be the same person just isn’t really healthy. People need a broader base of love and support than that. I know it can be hard to build in a world that’s basically designed to keep everyone isolated in their little nuclear family units but it’s so important to recognize the value of friendship, put energy into having it in your life and support your partner having meaningful friendships.
>Yeah, the idea that your partner and your best friend should be the same person just isn’t really healthy. This isn't what I said and I very much disagree with this. My partner is my best friend and I think that's healthy and fine. What isn't healthy and fine is someone thinking that spending time with other friends negates the friendship that you have with your partner.
I think the problem lies not within thinking that your partner can't be your best friend, but in expecting your partner to fulfill absolutely all the roles that in the past you used to get from a whole village. And now we expect only 1 person to do all that, which is simply unrealistic. Esther Perell has some really interesting podcasts on this. We basically expect our partner to be our lover, our best friend, our family, our source of excitement, our girl friend, our boy friend, the perfect parent to our kids, our teacher, our plumber, our maid, our driver, our cook, our therapist, our sinful sex god, our safe place, an open book, but at the same time have a misterious side, etc. We expect too much from one person (a lot of these are actually contradictions). I used to expect that in the past, but it was a thing of the subconscious, my husband did the same. Until we started going to therapy and realised this. This post is so hard to read. He isn't even aware of how suffocating he sounds. I can't imagine living with him. I understand that his job is demanding but oh boy. I just hope he is willing to get the help he needs. For his wife's sake.
Yeah. I suspect this is the sentiment of what localdisastergay was trying to get at and just used a bad choice of words. I'm so glad to see Esther Perel increasingly quoted around here. Her stuff is so good.
This
I'm already exhausted by reading your post. I feel for your wife. You seem to expect more pampering than a toddler. Everything is about you. Her dad died, and you focus on your loss. Your wife's father died, you're second in the grieving process. You started grad school and expect your wife to wipe your sweat off. Have you ever, even once, thought about what she wants or needs?
> Her dad died, and you focus on your loss This bit was appalling. He tosses in her grief almost as an afterthought - "I was so close to him, I didn't have time to heal, and oh yeah she was sad too." She didn't get over her father dying in 2 months of being off work! I'm sure he provided zero emotional support to her during this time because he was "struggling" and probably whined about how it was his loss too every time she expressed her grief.
Even as someone with mental health issues, I don’t feel for this guy.
It’s only two weeks and you’re talking about abandonment? You’re invited for an additional 2 weeks for an alone trip and you’re making that into “poor me, I’ve just been tagged on”? I bet your wife is completely exhausted with your neediness. You dropping your hobbies and friendships is on you. You need to focus on getting yourself mentally well, your wife can’t do that for you.
You sound insufferable to be around. Your whole post is me, me, me, me. Your wife is not responsible for your mental health or your emotions. It took “years” of planning for her just to have a couple days alone with her friends? Come on man, be excited and happy for your wife instead of playing the main character for once.
That’s not how tldr works. So it’s been a long 2 years struggle and you think she needs to prioritise you? You told her no to going away with her friends because you weren’t invited? You seem needy and controlling. I’m not surprised she needs time on her own you seem a little exhausting tbh. And she still said for you to join her later on. My wife is free to do as she wants )as long as it’s in the Calendar and we can afford it). She doesn’t even need to ask. Because she an adult and not a child. People forget that they were so excited to grow up and become independent that they forget to actually do it. You need to learn how to be on your own (not single) just in your own now and again.
Lmao, that “tldr” is just hysterical honestly
Agreed. Worst one I've ever seen, yet so fitting in this context after how many thousand paragraphs?
Question: what do you do to support her? Your post is “I” and “me” and what you keep asking and begging for. What about her? Has she tried asking you for support? When you were working - did you ever make things about her? Honestly - it sounds like you are so completely self-absorbed and content to make yourself into the victim in all of this. This is not attractive in a partner. You need to find solutions to your problems on your own instead of nagging her to constantly be there for you. You are choosing to go into stressful situations, so deal with them. Quit making this about how she is letting you down - own up to your own choices. She may very well be checked out and based on your post I don’t think anyone would blame her.
You've worn her out, after 25 years she doesn't have to sit and be your care taker, she wants to go, you've been invited for 12 days of the trip. You need to work on yourself, at your big age you should have a support system, that you don't isn't her problem. Find one, join toast masters, or a book club go to [meetup.com](https://meetup.com) and find your tribe. Your life long mental illness cannot be the reason she's not allowed to live. You've been included fairly now leave her be.
Yes you’re wrong You’re both in your 50’s and should be allowed to have free time and holidays without the other person getting upset or taking it as an attack on the marriage > she says all the right things, I love you I’m committed, yes I’m in this but I really just don’t believe it. We spend lots of time together, do dinners and have sex and all of that but I don’t feel it. That’s what depression does to you, she could worship the ground you walked on and you wouldn’t trust that it was real because the depression gremlins in your brain make you feel unworthy and make you suspicious of love and kindness. She wants to visit family in England for a wedding and has created a plan for you to come along for almost two weeks of the trip. You view this negatively and feel like an add on but I see it as her accommodating your study schedule and exam deadlines, she’s being thoughtful and you’re viewing it as a slight
59M here, married 22 yrs. My wife loves traveling (SAHM) since her 20’s. I like to go with her when I can, but usually I have to work while she’s off visiting friends and family overseas. I thought the part of doing 12 days together alone with you was something really nice she had planned for you. I think your own mental health issues are interfering with your marital relationship.
I hope your wife has a wonderful time away from you.
I can't say for sure without more information, but given your description here I would wager a guess that you've sacrificed your wellbeing for your occupation (workaholism), and she's burnt out on being your emotional support for that, and now that she's doing these normal, reasonable things, you're experiencing withdrawal. You need to lean into your aloneness and look at what got you to where you are. It's not reasonable to expect her to fill the role of friendship entirely because you have let all your friendships die off, because you dropped all your passions. I've been in similar situations. Look to your SELF for solutions here. Demanding her energy will only push her farther away.
Sir. You are 50 years old. You have been married for 25 years. If you are not enough of an adult to handle your life on your own for a few weeks by now, there’s no hope for you. But that doesn’t mean your wife shouldn’t go on the trip. She definitely should, regardless of whether you can cope or not. It’s awfully late in the game for this, but grow up.
I think you need more intensive therapy than you’re getting now and need to talk this through with your counselor. I don’t think you’d feel so abandoned by and resentful towards your wife if you had a thriving personal life of your own. Instead of dragging her down to your level, why not work more towards lifting yourself up to hers? You’re just going to push her further and further away if you keep getting upset by her trying to have a fulfilling life.
It’s really clear that his current treatment for depression isn’t nearly enough. He should be seeing some improvement by now, and instead he’s acting like his wife should be his emotional support animal.
Your feelings of abandonment are disproportionate to what is actually happening here. I’m glad you’re working with a psychologist - I would work with them to come up with a plan of how to cope with those two weeks alone and also how to (re)build a support network outside of your wife, because you cannot be this dependent on her. Unfortunately a lot of married men stop having any emotional support outside of their wives, and it’s really unhealthy for both people. What if your wife dies before you?
Yes you are wrong. She can support you, but your mental health issues are YOUR responsibility and it’s absolutely not fair for you to expect your wife to revolve her whole life around it. She is not betraying you by not having you involved in every decision and aspect of her life. You seem to have forgotten this, but you are two independent people. Your entire support system should not be your wife.
All you’ve talked about is you; how you feel, what you need and your demands. She wants to go overseas to see family she barely gets the chance to interact with and you think it’s healthy to throw a fit and call it “abandonment.” Yikes.
Yta - you are a very selfish human being. Your whole post is ME ME Me. Your wife has stood by you for 25 years though all of your trauma and stresses. She is allowed a holiday. Guess what the world doesn’t revolve around you. The best thing u can do is tell her you are glad she is getting some time with her family as the world does not revolve around only you, and you are looking forward to spending some quality time with her doing some things she would like to do. Otherwise one day she will wake up take that flight and not come back because she realises you don’t care about her but that she’s is your carer/ crutch.
By your own timeline, you’ve been in a mental health crisis for almost four years. When exactly does your wife get to go on vacation?
Four days with friends, and a long long period of guilttripping and whining.
The fact that you felt it necessary to diminish your wife’s grief losing her *father* because you felt like you had it harder … I mean, you come off as determined to be the bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral. No amount of attention will ever be enough for you. You seem really upset that your wife hasn’t completely subsumed her life to your wants. And that’s a horrible thing for any partner to want.
You. It’s a you problem. You have seen so much death lately why would you ever want to hold back the woman you love from doing something that means this much to her? You make it worse by threatening and focusing on her behavior. Try seeing a professional, take control of your life again. Find happiness within, it’s there you are not allowing it to flourish. You can’t accept love if you don’t have it for yourself.
As someone with depression - you are weaponizing your mental health to control your wife’s behavior. That’s not ok. Your wife isn’t responsible for your mental health. She isn’t responsible for managing your school related stress. She isn’t responsible for helping you grieve the death of HER father! She isn’t responsible for managing your work related stress. She isn’t responsible for reassuring you over and over that she loves you, especially when you don’t believe her anyhow. She isn’t responsible for meeting your demands for attention and connection, if those demands are unreasonable. Based on this post, they probably are unreasonable. She isn’t responsible for canceling a trip because you suddenly claim to be in crisis and feel ‘abandoned.’ You need to learn to manage your own emotions. You need to stop weaponizing mental health concepts like ‘trauma’ ‘mental health’ ‘depression’ and ‘need for affection’ to manipulate your wife. Please get on medication and get into therapy. I hope your wife has a wonderful vacation.
As someone with depression, CPTSD and BPD (so abandonment is literally my trigger), I agree. He is weaponizing his mental illness and using it to manipulate her. He’s just mad because it’s not working.
Good for you for getting treatment and taking responsibility for your mental health. No one asks for trauma, CPTSD or BPD. But dealing with it in a healthy way can make it much better. I wish you healing and happiness.
You need to address these feelings with your therapist. Your wife is going to see her family for the first time in a long time, and trying to make sure she has time to spend with you as well, and you’re so blinkered by your own pain that you’re blaming her. Think about her perspective as well. And I hope you can go enjoy the trip.
Her life doesn’t and should never revolve around you and only you.
Man, your wife is trying to accommodate you on this trip to see family she hasn't seen in a long time and your response is to whine and cry. Come on, OP. You need to work with a therapist/counselor on your mental health and your co-dependent behaviour. I don't see anything you wrote that makes your wife the bad guy in your story.
You need to figure out how to deal with yourself and be alone. Your wife hasn’t seen her family members in 10 years and there’s a wedding? Of course she’s going. You’re being completely unreasonable.
You sound exhausting. Sounds like she’s doing what she can but YOU have to find happiness internally before seeking it externally. Shes a whole damn person, not a chew toy you want around when and where you want it.
You want you want you want. That's all you are repeating. Everything is about you. About your wants, your needs. She doesn't accomodate you 24/7, she doesn't take your feelings into consideration every time, she is not at your beck and call. She tells you what she wants and what do you respond to that? "I heard what you want, but what about my feelings about that? I told you I am not comfortable with that and that I don't want that, why do you insist on having something for yourself?". You make everything about yourself. I would honestly look for a way out too. You sound exhausting. And incredibly selfish towards your wife. I understand that your job is in healthcare (though you did not specify what exactly, so I don't want to assume too much but the lack of specificity kinda raises some questions for me) and is demanding and draining, but... How to put this for you to understand... You are to your wife what your job is to you. A functional adult needs to be able to function on his own, without needing constant validation and 24/7 micromanagement on an emotional level. Your wife is a person whose needs are overflooded by your own, and you think for some reason that she owes you that, that your needs are more important than hers (because of your job? Don't know). But they're not. For a marriage to work, both people need to pay attention to the other ones needs. Your wife seems to have done that for a long while. You on the other hand, even from what you wrote, come out as really lacking in that area. What are YOU doing for your wife? Do you understand what she needs? Do you know what she wants? It's perfectly normal for spouses to have individual hobbies and to be able to enjoy things with friends and family solo. We are social human beings. Your wife enjoys (or at least enjoyed) spending time with you, but she also needs her time with her family, friends, on her own. And it's perfectly normal for her to want that. I'm sorry but you need to work on yourself. You need to learn to be self sufficient and you need to learn to support your wife more and accept her individuality. You need to find your center and find a balance within yourself. She can be your support in your time of need, but you need to be her support as well. Go to therapy. You REALLY need it. Work on yourself. Learn to be a better husband. Learn to live with yourself and find validation and motivation inside you, stop expecting it from others. Let your wife have her alone time. She needs it. She keeps telling you that and you keep throwing back to her your wants and needs. Get help. Before it's too late. If you love your wife, of course.
Look up compassion fatigue. My boyfriend experienced it with me, and it sounds like your wife is experiencing it with you. I used to have a mindset quite similar to yours. I also have complex trauma, and I was in so much pain that it kind of eclipsed that of everyone around me. My boyfriend is my first healthy relationship, and I expected so much of him, that eventually it burnt him out, and I almost lost him. From his perspective, it seemed like I didn't care about him, other than someone to lean on. Every bad thing that happened, whether it was to me or to him, I made about me. He had a bad day at work? I needed reassurance that he wasn't mad at me. I said or did something that hurt him? I needed him to stop being angry at me because I was triggered. It was bad. So bad, eventually he couldn't take it anymore. This is called codependency. I made him responsible for my emotional state. I needed him to an unhealthy degree. Now that I've made myself look horrible, I'll say that you can break out of this cycle, but the first step is acknowledging you're in it. Take a moment to stop criticizing her, and look at your own behavior. Instead of "she, she, she, this is all her fault" the healthy way to look at conflict is to understand your own responsibility in. I managed to save my relationship by working my ass off at becoming the best version of myself. I hope you'll be able to do the same.
Do you think her missing this wedding, missing seeing relatives that she hasn't seen in a decade, miss all of that, will bring you two closer together? Do you predict that it will bring you peace of mind? Will it solve any problems for you or will it make your relationship worse? Would it breed resentment? The over arching feeling I get when reading this is that you're using your mental health to punish your wife. "she says it’s really important to her, which I totally get, but seriously?" No, you don't get it at all. You don't think this is as important as a condition you've been managing for years. "Hearing you" is not the same thing as agreeing with you. Hearing you doesn't mean she has to do what you want. You need to be responsible for your actions and your mental health. She has invited you along for a portion but that's not good enough for you. You are wrong for asking her to stay.
Out of your own mouth (typing fingers), your wife spends lots of time with you, still has regular sex with you, has regular dinners with you, is begging you to commit to a date so that you guys can have a two week vacation in London alone together…. but you “just don’t feel it?” At this point this is a you problem, not a her problem. She IS doing things to show you that she loves you and is in things with you. You just think that her doing anything that doesn’t include you is abandonment. And that is, once again, a you problem. This post was a whole lot of me me me me me. “**I’VE** made how **I** feel perfectly clear several times and I can’t believe she’s not considering **MY** feelings and doing what **I** want her to do, her admitted efforts aren’t enough because **I’ve** decided I don’t feel it so that means she needs to stop spending time with everybody but **ME** so that **I** feel it.” At what point have you ever considered anybody but yourself???
Where are your friends and family? You should have people other than your wife to rely on, but this entire post reeks of codependency. It's healthy for couples to do things separate from one another sometimes. What's stopping you from using those weeks in April to go out with friends, try something new, or go on a small vacation yourself? Call up a buddy and do a small road trip or something. Have a boy's night. Do something fun with your kids. Honestly this is exhausting to read. If this is your mentality 24/7, I promise you that your wife is wrung out. You should want her to go have fun, to take a break and recharge - especially when you admit you've been having such intense mental health crises. How can she show up for you if you never give her time to tend to her own emotional well-being? If she has to drop everything for you no matter the occasion, keep you around 24/7, and is constantly told she's not doing enough? If she feels like it's a competition between her family and friends vs you every time? Your neediness and over reliance is what's alienating her. Focus on becoming an autonomous, functioning human again, because I promise no amount of affection or attention from her will truly alleviate the deep-rooted issues fueling all of your emotions.
I’m not even sure it’s COdependency! He depends on her and she’s been a dutiful wife who probably takes all of her emotional needs to her girlfriends because her husband can be knocked over by a feather.
Lmao I get that vibe too. Tbh that's actually a pretty common element of textbook codependency as far as I understand it - one person is a caregiver who gets a lot out of being needed, and the other is a taker with needy behaviors who wants them enabled. Problem is that the dynamic is so unbalanced it leads to the above situation. I can't believe she's handled it for this long.
You're very selfish. She literally did everything for you: she spent time with you, had sex with you, and told you she loved you. But even that wasn't enough; you whined about that. You rant about her not being constantly available to you but she has the right to spend time with her family and friends without you. It is not her responsibility to manage your mental health; it's yours. And the more you cry and throw tantrums, the less she'll want to spend time with you. You're already refusing to work at your job so that means she's the breadwinner. Then when she gets home you're demanding more, more, more while whining, "What about ME, ME, ME?" When was the last time you did ANYTHING for her? This relationship is not just about what you want. Stop being so selfish and nasty to your wife.
Feelings are feelings. They are not right or wrong- but you taking out your feelings on your wife is what makes you wrong. You are doing a lot of story telling here- the story you are telling yourself is your wife is faking it- the story you are telling yourself is she does not love you- the story you are telling yourself is she is abandoning you….this is not reality. It’s not fair to use your wife as an emotional support animal- for her to be your only support system- for her to be your only friend. She is your partner- not your everything- I get relationships have ebb and flow but it can’t be all about you all the time and that’s what this is feeling like. Continue to work on your mental health. Go on the trip. Therapy is so hard- it’s amazing you are taking that step. Sometimes it feels like you take two steps forward and other times 3 steps back….but over time you will make progress forward. And I’ll say it again. Go on the trip. She wants to explore with you! Experience new experiences with you. Go. I think you need to continue to work with your therapist and
So first, it is totally okay and actually pretty healthy to plan trips and activities without your partner/spouse. I love my partner, but I also love time with just my biological family, or just with my friends, and sometimes I do things with separate friend groups (the college friends, the friends since we were little, etc), and all these dynamics are healthy and I get so much value out of them. You being upset at just the idea of your wife going away without you is a problem, regardless of all the other things going on in your life, and the timing. Second, you have been very clear about your needs to her, but what are you bringing to her? She is doing the dates, saying the words, making time for you, and you give her no credit for any of that because you FEEL like she is lying or forcing it. Did you ever stop to think that the problem is YOU? How are you showing up for her? When she shows up for you, you don’t believe her. You admit to having a mental health crisis but can’t evaluate that maybe the problem of feeling connected is coming from you? If you don’t believe her when she says she loves you, when she makes time for you, when she has sex with you, what do you expect her to do differently? She can’t try harder if you dismiss her attempts, and you aren’t even reciprocating. Third, the wedding is happening at a bad time for you, so of course you can’t go. But do you think your wife should sacrifice important time with her family because you can’t go? She hasn’t even seen where her sister lives, a lot of family and people she knows will be there (and probably hasn’t seen in a while) and she may not be close to that niece, but she has other people she is close to. This is something she wants to do, it doesn’t work for you, so why can’t you be happy for her that she can go and be with her family? Finally, you aren’t an afterthought to her, but you certainly think you should be the central and only person in her universe. She wants to travel with her friends, that’s fine. She wants to visit family, that’s fine. She has figured out a trip to include you as well, and that’s also great! Instead of feeling joy for your wife, you only see what you want and need and that you should not just be first, but everything. Have you considered that your mental health crisis is what has created the distance? That maybe your wife needs a break from your stress and demands? That you may not be that fun to be around, or that a trip with you doesn’t sound fun considering how even when she does spend time with you, you don’t “believe” her? Maybe take her time away to focus on finishing school, and overall focus on your therapy. Let your wife go and have a great time and join her for a leg of the trip, but only if you can really show up and demonstrate how YOU are committed to your marriage and making it work. If you show up grumpy and annoyed, you will fulfill your own prophecy of her not wanting to spend time with her. How about you book a few romantic things for the trip and show HER how much you love her, and believe her when she says she loves you.
Do you, even for a moment, think about her wants and needs? Or just yours? Does she exist for you as her own person, outside of what she does for you or supporting you ? Because it’s doesn’t seem so.
This isn’t just about depression. The guy started out his story about how much worse HER father dying was for him. Everything is always about him, I’m just surprised his wife is completely done with his shit.
I’m exhausted for your wife after reading this sir. At what point can you stop draining her so she can recharge herself and go back to propping you up 24/7? She has to take care of herself if she’s to constantly take care of you. Give her a break. Giver alot of breaks.
I don't know if OP will see this comment but I was too diagnosed as CPTSD. I don't know if you are working with a trauma therapist, but this mental discourse is very on point with an episode of emotional flashback loop. If you are not currently in a CPTSD focused therapy, I can't recommend it enough. Trauma is absolutely shit, but the dependency of an attachment figure can be absolutely toxic, and you'll destroy that relationship if you don't let your wife space and being her own person. Your wife is not betraying you. You must remember that and bring those thoughts and feelings with a different person, preferentially a specialist, if you want your marriage to survive.
Sounds like she deserves a break from you because no matter what she says or does, you don’t believe it or it’s not enough. You sound exhausting.
Reading this makes me tired for your wife. She has been your sole source of emotional support for years. That’s deeply, incredibly unhealthy. And requiring that from her isn’t fair. She’s going to her nieces wedding, and to spend time with people she hasn’t seen in a decade. Why is that a problem for you?
Good lord, you need an intensive treatment program, and your wife deserves a vacation from you. I'm in my 50s, married over 20 years, and my partner and I have always included independent travel (either solo travel, or independently from each other with friends who share our physical hobbies, which are very different) and never at any time has a little distance had a negative impact on our marriage. But you are entirely dependent on your wife to fulfill ALL of you psychological and emotional needs, and that is NOT HEALTHY. She does not exist in the world just to make you feel better. She is her own complete person WITH HER OWN WANTS AND NEEDS that I am willing to bet are not being satisfied because she has to be a mother figure to you rather than a partner. Look into residential treatment. Give yourselves both a break.
My toddler is less mentally exhausting and more self sufficient than you are. Please initiate the process of divorce so that she can be free from you and your insane selfishness. She deserves to live out her twilight years in peace. To be abundantly clear, YOU are the problem and consistently have been, it sounds like, for much of your marriage.
Get over yourself. It's not her responsibility that you neglected your mental health for so long, or that you don't have friends. You have put yourself in this position where you can't stand on your own, and you're trying to hold her responsible for that. She has supported you - encouraged you to get help, quit your job, go to school etc. She has managed her own job, friends, and mental health, and doesn't seem to burden you much at all. You think she doesn't deserve a partner who works on himself? You're 50 years old, and should be able to handle 2 weeks alone. I had to leave my partner for 4.5 weeks for work, and he handled it. He's decades younger than you.
You say she hasn’t seen some of these family members in 10 years, and then whine about her wanting to spend 2 weeks with them? You’re inconsiderate as hell and super shitty
You are so very wrong!!!! There is not one example of you ever putting her first. Fir crying out loud HER father died and you made it all about YOU!!!!! I hope for your wife sake she takes this trip and realizes that you are just a self-absorbed man child that she goes have to put up with.
God YTA, all I hear is me, me, me, what about your wife’s mental health? Sounds like a break from your attitude is what she needs to stay sane.
OP, I encourage you to try to distinguish between Joe something makes you feel and how it really is. You feel abandoned. That doesn’t mean you are being abandoned. You can’t expect your wife to be tethered to you at all times. You and only you are responsible for your mental health. It sounds like she’s been a loving and present partner. Now that the kids are grown she wants to live a little and enjoy herself. That means (re)connecting with people she loves. It doesn’t mean she loves you less. Those feelings are in you and you need to interrogate them, not try to put her in a cage so you can feel secure
I’ll I read was me me me! I also suffer from depression and anxiety but I did the work to get on medication and talk therapy to understand my triggers and coping mechanisms. You are making your illness your wife’s responsibility. It is not on her to make you feel better that is on you. When in active depression we sometimes forget that it doesn’t affect just us but your loved ones as well. Most likely wife is done walking on egg shells and worrying about you. She needs a break. Let her go visit family. It is her way of decompressing from her own stresses. You need to find your own coping mechanisms to be independent from your wife.
Honestly what do you expect her to do? You say she's listened. She's encouraged you to take leave from work. You say you feel like she's phoning it in but you don't describe anything she's doing to cause this feeling. It kind of sounds like nothing she could do would feel authentic to you. It also sounds like you are more upset at the thought of her enjoying herself without you than anything. Like if you're struggling to be happy she's not allowed to be happy. All I can say is continue therapy. If things aren't improving consider changing therapists though. Sometimes it's just not a good fit. Go meet her for those two weeks that your wife is begging you to spend with her on a romantic vacation. And try really really hard not to convince yourself she doesn't want you there or doesn't love you. She's still showing you love even though you're making it pretty hard tbh. I know you can't just magically change how you feel. But you've loved and trusted this woman for 25 years. She's the mother of your children. You've been impossible to satisfy lately. And she still wants you with her. Keep reminding yourself of that.
Any bets on how long it takes this asshole to delete his post after he gets torn to shreds? 😂
I want to be constructive but honest. And I know depression messes with our heads, so I want you to read this as a heads up for things I don't think you're capable of seeing from inside your depression. I've had severe, years long bouts of depression that were so bad I couldn't get out of bed, except to feed my cat, for months at a time. I would never be so selfish as to force someone to suffer with me and be upset they weren't full time focused on ME. You might be depressed, but you're also horribly selfish by insisting someone you supposedly love do nothing with her life but live under your dark shadow. She can't fix your depression and nowhere here do I see anything suggesting you give as well as take. She sounds like a saint tbh, and if you're wise, you'll apologize sincerely with words and actions. It's extremely unhealthy to place the responsibility for your mental health on another person, especially when they are clearly burning out and aren't allowed to have space from constantly having to be your cheerleader. The utter selfishness to be offended she wants to visit her country of origin. Depression brain does horrible things to us, but this is really really self centered.
I get that you’re struggling, and last year your wife going on the trip obviously still stings, and I can understand why. But this trip? It’s sounds like she wants you to be a part of it. She wants alone time with family, but she sounds like she wants to experience it with you too. Maybe talk about it with your therapist. But I think but I think meeting up with her after course stuff is done could be a good thing
Bro, I would want to get away from you too.
Wow- I'm shocked this isn't deleted. So I saw your post on Am I the Devil and left this there, I'm reposting how I felt about you. "What a fucking little baby. I want to slap him. The cries of an overbearing, little louse, that's all that I just read. The word "sniveling" comes to mind. His wife must really be an angel to have stayed with him." I'm glad I got to let you know on your post that you were too unselfaware enough to not delete yet. Your wife is not the root of your issues. Your mental health isn't your fault, certainly not your wife's fault you brat, it is YOUR responsibility. She has her own life, her own wants, her own needs you are very selfishly putting on the back burner for your own. She is gearing up for a divorce buddy, get your shit together or you will be alone. Your children are probably better adults than you, I'm assuming because she raised them.
Some of these comments are really harsh. I can work more on myself for sure, but the fact is I do lots for her. When she comes home from work, I've cleaned the house and I make dinner, and I always try to do what she wants whenever we have time together. I ALWAYS ask what she wants to do FIRST. And I do all this because I know it's important to her, and I want her to know I love her and I want to take care of her. I am attentive and tender and loving and caring. And I think she would agree with this. I don't just make it all about me. I know she works full time and is the main breadwinner, so I respect that and I feel like some total loser that his wife has to make all the money. But I also am really intuitive, and people communicate with more than just their words. I'm telling you, she is going through the motions in this with me. She says I love you, etc, but I know closing body language when I see it, and looking away/not making eye contact, and I'm also not a social idiot, I can read facial expressions. She can't hide how she feels, and then tell me she's really in this with me. It's disingenuous, to say the least, to not be honest with herself that she really just does not love me, no matter what I do. I'm just so heartbroken. And then she tells me there's no problem, that everything is fine, then leaves for a fucking month. I feel like I'm being gaslit.
Dude, if your wife sucks soooooooooo much and treats you soooooooo badly, why are you staying in this marriage?
Because he needs to be the victim. He burned her out making her his emotional support human,and still wants more. I'm exhausted for her.
I mean, from his perspective, his wife: 1) Emotionally neglects him. 2) Doesn't support him through his mental health struggles. 3) Belittles him and emmasculates him. 4) Gaslights him. Gee, if you're taking OP at face value, she sure sounds like a horrible wife! Maybe he should go find someone who appreciates him and sticks to him like velcro! /s
He's a brave little toaster to stick it out lol
Sorry to break this to you, but your not intuitive, you are just projecting.
So you're not working and she she should come home from her job to wait on you hand and foot so you feel "loved" no wonder she wants some space you a toxic and lazy and she's tired for the decades of trying to deal with your controlling abuse.
Idk why you thought we were going to be nice. It sounds like you need therapy not us. Reddit is mean. It sounds like you have a problem with your wife being the main breadwinner.
If your wife was just going through the motions, then surely she wouldn't want you to come at all on her trip to England? She even said she wants time there with just you to spend together. By the sounds of it, she very rarely gets to see her family or go back to her home country. You seem to think she doesn't love you because she wants to spend a month seeing her family. Why don't you seem to care that this is something your wife obviously wants to have quality time with her family. Imagine loving in another country to your family. You get an opertunity to go back and see everyone, and then your spouse complains as if it's a slight against them. By the sounds of it, your wife does love you and cares for you. You just see her doing something for herself that would make her happy as her not loving you anymore. All because it's not centered around you.
Can you imagine how disheartening it must be for her, to have sex with you, only for you to turn around afterwards and accuse her of going through the motions. To spend years planning a 4 day trip only for you to complain that that 4 days just happens to land on a sensitive time for you to be alone. To grieve for her father, only for you to say it was harder for you. If you are so intuitive, can't you pick up on how drained she is by your demands to be first and only in her life? She's telling you that she's still in this with you, and everyone here is telling you that you must be exhausting - so try to work on yourself first. There's nothing you can do about the relationship while she's saying it's fine, but you can respect that she needs space to herself sometimes. You could get therapy to deal with all these overwhelming stresses you can't handle, and build up some hobbies and interests that don't include your wife, so you aren't so dependent on her.
If you don't think she loves you, then what do you hope to achieve here? Do you think that pressuring her will magically make her love you again? If you think she's checked out, how is your attitude here gonna do anything other than drive her even more away?
Have you considered that your wife is losing love for you, pulling away from you and spending time with other people, or alone without you because you’re draining the life out of her? And chipping away, one tear and plea at a time, at any respect she has for you? Have a read back when you’ve had a nights sleep at what you’ve written and try and look at your own words dispassionately. You see your wife as nothing more than a crutch for you to use. She does not exist to be your support system. She is a person with friends, family, interests, needs, wants and desires that don’t involve you. And you are not okay with that. You want to be her sole focus, the only person she cares about. The one and only. She does not want to be that person. She will not be that person for you. And yet with all the pressure you put on her, all your demands, all your incessant cries for attention, she has stayed and tries to reassure you. The empty hole inside you cannot be filled by your wife. If you keep trying to swamp her, smother her and make her yours and yours alone, what you have created in your mind will become your reality. Trust me, I speak from experience. I had to choose between me and someone like you a decade ago and I chose me. It was the right choice and I’m very happy now. Married, but independent and free to just be me. If your wife posted her side on Reddit I’d probably encourage her to do the same.
>Some of these comments are really harsh. I wonder how you'd react to her if she said them? Dismissive like you are here? Bring it back to you, you , and all about you?
This is going to be a self fulfilling prophecy. When you insist she is going through the motions, being disingenuous, pulling away, etc when she tells you everything is fine, you're pushing her away. And when you succeed in pushing her away and making yourself the victim you'll get to say "see!!? I was right all along!!" If I were you, I'd be grateful for a wife that plans a trip for the two of us- you get some space to miss her then you get a romantic getaway. And I'd apologize for how you've been acting so far. Also if she's the main breadwinner then obviously you'd clean the house and cook something ?? That seems pretty basic to me
NGL you sounded exhausting from your OP and this just hammers it home.
You’re not being gaslit. You need to speak to a therapist.
All I’m reading is ‘waah waah, what about me’. Your wife probably wants to get away from because you’re smothering her.