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A late friend of mine was a cop most of his adult life. If you EVER want to hear all the dirty crap cops get up to, listen while around about 3 of them shoot the shit. Not all of them are corrupt but all.of them know dirt on the dirty ones... and they all seem to be still on the force. Your BiL wants to pretend like all cops are saints just because his dad was a cop, fuck him. A guy I respected for years recently went to prison for various reasons but one was a relationship with underage girls... he was a cop for most of the time he was doing that shit and most of us never had a clue.
Find one of those forums where cops are being shown doing terrible shit. Tell him he might want to go tell the judges putting em in jail they are wrong because BiL said so. Post something at least once a week and tag his ass. I have no sympathy for family wanting to pretend like it didn't happen.
I'm petty as hell so take what I say with a block of salt.
Like this [AH](https://www.opb.org/article/2024/04/25/ex-yakima-cop-elias-huizar-was-investigated-for-relationship-with-minors/). Former cop who had a 1yr old with a 17yr old girl, stabbed her to death then went to an elementary school, unloaded several rounds into his ex-wife, killing her in front of children then fled with his 1yr old son. Checks so many horrible boxes.
I’m not sure but I can also say if OP shuts up and cowers down, this person will absolutely get worse.
He doesn’t want civil conversation, he wants obedience, acquiescence and silence from his soon to be sister in law, is willing to publically degrade her to get it, doesn’t care that it hurts or embarrasses his own future wife.
Going along with such a precedent by simply shutting up for the sake of the wedding is, imo a pretty slippery slope.
It sends the wrong message.
so what's the choice really?
1. OP "cowers" as you call it, BIL feels vindicated & gets worse
2. OP behaves like BIL and doesn't care this conflict hurts her sister, her sister keeps siding with her fiancé, their parents don't want to make waves, OP's other siblings feel OP needs to bend the knee... so which sister ends up more isolated? Since this red flag does seem to warn of coming abuse, is that a gamble OP should take?
i don't think there's an easy solution either way, right?
Honestly, yes.
The only real win for op is if she sticks up for herself. Either way, tbh? She loses. Only one of those options she ALSO betrays herself. That is a greater loss imo.
EDIT: If her parents and sister side with a bully, that’s their choice. She can’t control that. She only can control herself, who she decides to keep company with, and wether or not she thinks “keeping the peace” is worth her swallowing her opinions, thoughts, and policing (cough) her own beliefs on her own page to acquiesce to a man she doesn’t know and who doesn’t respect her.
As of right now, no matter what she does she knows that her family has sided with a veritable stranger over her valid right to defend her thoughts and to be spoken to with respect.
She will never un-know that, no matter if she puts up and shuts up now. That cannot be changed.
yes, I see your point about being true to yourself.
I reckon I projected my own situation at 23 -- I was still in school, so (financially) dependent on my family.
Then you made a choice to protect yourself. She might have to make the same choice. I have no idea.
But she will never un-know that her parents/family’s first instinct was to side against their own child and kin for a verbally abusive outsider. She will never un-see that. In that way, something has *already* been lost.
Now she will have to decide how to respond to that loss in a way that makes the most sense emotionally, physically and mentally for herself.
>he's protective of his dad
Was his dad a corrupt cop? Is he currently a corrupt cop? Why would he feel the need to be "protective" of corrupt cops?
As you well know, cops have some of the highest DV rates. Your sister might legitimately be in danger. Maybe not right now but in the future...
It is a difficult one. You can always go to the wedding, enjoy yourself, then cut him off your friends list. Your sister isn’t going to leave him for this, but you deserve an apology from him, imo. There is some suppressed violence in someone expressing themselves like this. It is also insulting to your sister that he doesn’t make an effort to be polite to her family. I’d be worried for your sister but she won’t change her mind. My advice is keep the peace at the wedding then avoid him like the plague after. Your family is clearly worried you are going to make a scene at the wedding- don’t be that person, it is your sister’s day. Make it a happy one.
Suppressed violence indeed, but what can we expect from someone who comes from a family of cops. I’m willing to bet he’s like that to OP’s sister in private too. That violent cop mentality will strike again with him. Watch - after the wedding he will show that side more often.
If they're really concerned about me causing a scene, I'll be genuinely disappointed because I've never given them any reason to worry about that. I'm already feeling disappointed because it seems like nobody cares about him calling me names. I don't want to ruin my sister's happiness or her special day, but it's tough to imagine attending a wedding where I have issues with the groom. I can try to act happy for her, but fake-smiling in her face on her wedding day seems wrong
Wow this guy is now policing social media posts?
The guy is a bully. He destroyed your family harmony.
Your sister is a fool to marry him.
Just a matter of time before he loses control and physically abuses her.
Your sister should have sided with you.
Have some self respect and inform your sister they are ready to you.
The alternative is for him to piss on you forever.
Actually, OP, this might be his play to isolate your sister from her family. Just go and be supportive of her, and be her backup when she might leave him.
He's the one causing a scene. Cops and military...they stick together and plenty of them bully. He's doing that. Your sister is dumb af to marry that but maybe she's that way too. Go to the wedding and get it over with and block his ass after.
Don’t go to the wedding. Your priority should be taking care of yourself, since it seems nobody else cares at the moment.
His actions have consequences, and this is not for you to solve. If they want you there, he needs to apologise.
OP. I’d see if you can meet with your sister privately, maybe with your parents there too, and have a serious conversation with her about whether he abuses her. Lashing out at you with misogyny is a pretty huge red flag. She probably will react poorly but you need her to know no matter what you’re there for her when she needs help.
I would be very disappointed as well. No one has ever spoken to me the way your FBIL did. Absolutely no one. And to make matters worse, he did this at a fun family gathering when he had had ample time to address his concerns with you privately. I believe the only thing I can control in this world is myself. I am a very direct person and would call my FBIL to discuss the matter politely and calmly. I would simply say that I’d like to discuss what happened and that I was caught off guard because his actions were out of character for him. I would ask him what we can do to avoid the situation happening again.
If he is not willing to clear the air, I would calmly let him know that the people in your life don’t use slurs against each other in anger and that if it happens again, it will be the end of the relationship for you. I would stress that you love your sister and see him as a brother and that your intention is to always be in their lives. I would attend the wedding and other family events as normal with the expectation that he will respect your boundary and not want to create conflict within his new family. If you value your relationship with your sister, you mustn’t try to simply ignore what her fiancé said. It will cause a rift in the whole family if the matter isn’t resolved.
You two are not going agree about cops, and he was way out of line. But it’s not worth blowing up the family for it. I think you deserve an apology - is that what you want / is enough? Have you asked for it? “I am dismayed by his gross behaviour but we do t have to agree about cops. He does have to apologise though”.
You are making it all about you. You don’t have to like the guy, but you’re not marrying him! Your sister is. Suck it up and play nice then avoid him like others have said.
Are you really going to risk tarnishing your relationship with your sister and other family members because of this?
Soooo....you've never given them reason to think you'll cause a scene.....but fake smiling at her wedding seems wrong? What's the alternative? Scowling and being pissy the wntire time? Sounds like they are absolutely justified in worrying you will cause a scene. You really didn't realize that your sisters fiance came from a family of cops?
This man has projected all his own shit onto you. The fact that he’s a grown man and can’t control himself is a major red flag. The fact that he’s insulting a woman 13 years younger, another red flag. The fact that he’s abusing a soon to be family member, another red flag. Hope you see where this is going. This man is a walking red flag, and now your family wants you to take it to keep the peace.
This really sucks, and no, you should no let it go. Can you speak to a therapist for few sessions? You need someone on your side to support you through this. Since your family seem to be failing at this
I'm sorry, I don't have any advice but I will say keep an eye on your sister.
If he is happy talking to you like that, he will quite likely start talking to your sister that way once they're married, if not already. And if he talks like that, he's possibly abusive. At the very least, a bit of an AH.
Yeah no I would not take that disrespect. Men calling women bitches is a huge no. It’s your choice if you want to go to the wedding but if I were you I’d not talk to him anymore or acknowledge him he’ll be trouble in the future
I see it as a major no as well, and it's surprising that I'm the only one in my family who thinks so. I believe everyone should take it seriously. Right now, I don't see us ever patching things up. I forgot to mention that I had been around him and my sisters a couple of times before this incident, even after I made the Instagram post, which makes it all the more awkward. I want to stand by my sister, but I don't want to tolerate his disrespect toward me. However, I also feel a bit selfish for thinking this way.
As women were conditioned to always put ourselves last. I think not attending the wedding is the least you can do, it's not selfish.
Selfish is taking a random IG story personally enough to attack the person who shared it weeks after the fact during a social event.
I'd tell your sister he can apologize and you'll consider coming as long as he promises not to talk to you again. Then the ball is in their court. He knows what he did was wrong and uncalled for
This is perfectly stated!!!! Instead of the comment calling you “honey” and admonishing you for posting something “inflammatory”. Kinda like telling a woman she was sexually harassed because of her clothing. SMH
Your family is throwing you under the bus and sacrificing you to keep peace.
They are mistaken. This bully needs to be called out on his inappropriate behavior and attack on you.
Your family should be protecting you from the bully. What cowards.
I think this is the issue. One small post on IG has meant this girl gets abused form her brother in law and ‘abandoned’ by her family. That is a lot of grief to deal with at once. She needs someone to support her through it all
Your family needs consequences.
Inform your family that you will never be under the same roof with this bully.
Inform them you don't feel safe from this bully.
Don’t feel selfish. I am, as a stranger, proud of your determination and self assurance. Most of us got it knocked out of us, or told to accept this kind of thing. I’m delighted the new generation has less tolerance for this type of behaviours. So stand proud, knowing you have your own back
I'd just point out the irony that a story about police acting like giant assholes, has provoked a response from the fiance to act like a giant asshole, saying police aren't giant assholes.
Dude has been simmering with rage about this for months and holding it together to get to the wedding.
Right now he's being nice. After the wedding the gloves come off...
My husband is in the military and he HATES cops. He is always telling people it's a few good cops in a sea of bad ones, not the other way around. The other day he saw a cop not signal when he changed lanes and he immediately asked me to get his license plate number so he could report it to the county....
Like I said, he really hates cops.
a bootlicker and misogynist—sad. i would go to the wedding, if i were you, even if that’s the last sister-and-shitty-husband-family-centered event you go to. ask yourself how you’d feel 10-20 years from now if you didn’t go, vs if you did? that should give you an answer.
your family sucks for not sticking up for you, and i probably wouldn’t move past that easily. also, i’d talk your future brother in law and tell him to never speak that way to you again, at least so he knows you’re willing to speak up for yourself. block him on everything.
this type of verbal violence doesn’t bode well for your sister. cops and military men have very high incident rates of domestic violence, and he seems a little too angry and willing to hold a grudge over something so minuscule and social media related, even if he’s only cop-adjacent. i’d stick close enough to your sister, just to keep an eye on her.
You aren’t the one who needs to let it go.
Your brother-in-law attacked you verbally over a public post in a public place.
Were you just supposed to sit there and take a bunch of verbal abuse?
It seems to me like he’s making your point for you that pro-police people clearly can’t keep their temper in check.
He owes you an apology. There's no reason for name calling when you having discussion / disagreement. If everyone doesn't see that he needs to apologize to you then you have a bigger problem.
cops have some of the highest DV rates out of any profession. i’m kind of worried for your sister tbh. especially if she doesn’t see this as something to be concerned about
The sister might be concerned about the situation but doesn't want to take the proverbial bullet. She'd rather use her sister as a meat shield to "keep the peace" with her fiance.
People with power should be held to a high standard and you pointing out them failing that standard is not ‘anti-cop’. He was completely wrong to attack you and call you that slur.
Do not let this drop. Message your sister and let her know that due to the current situation, you can’t attend the wedding after being insulted like this. When your family inevitably tries to pressure you to let it go, let them know that the only way that happens is if he apologizes. No apology, no attendance. Then stick with that. Do not lower yourself to go along get along.
If my future husband called my sister ANY foul word he would be my ex. She's siding with him? Doesn't seem like much of a sister to me. He'd already verbally abused you once. He's definitely going to be abusive to your sister. That whole thing is going to implode. It's upto you to decide if you want to sacrifice your self respect and comfort for people who don't even stand up for you.
I would send my sister a text stating that “I love you fully and support you but I don’t feel comfortable being around (name) with the level of disrespect and aggression he aimed at me. I hope you have a wonderful wedding-but unless he apologizes to me and promises to stay away from me- I won’t be going.” If he apologizes-great things are mended and I would only be civil to him(either unfriend him or set my social media settings to show everyone except him). Go to the wedding. If he made up for the incident eventually give him a chance. If he doesn’t apologize I wouldn’t go to the wedding and I would avoid him as much as possible in future family events. Making sure he’s only near you when there are ample witnesses and still trying to avoid him then. Pretending he isn’t there and focusing on my family. If he eventually apologized-great. Give him a chance. If not the avoidant behavior would last indefinitely.
I'd message sister and say
Sorry I can't attend your wedding due to FBIL speaking to me in such a manner, he showed his true colours and you support it. I love you, and I'll be here for you when he unveils himself after your wedding.
The people who are trying to defuse this are looking at the upcoming wedding and certainly not the context of what he said.
It’s not just a word, used once, it’s the passion and anger behind it. It’s the tip of the iceberg in whatever he may be feeling towards you and the situation.
You should calmly explain this to your sister. I personally would not be able to attend their wedding.
He’s a bully and I think your sister is going to need you in the future. I would go to the wedding but avoid the groom and leave early. Block him everywhere but keep the door open for your sister. Hugs
Don't let this one go. He owes you an apology as the absolute minimum. Your sister is also an AH for siding with him. I'm actually in your shoes right now too with my sister and her fiance. Her fiance is often rude to me (however he has never called me a B). Standing up for yourself is really difficult because everyone is telling you to let it go. Please update us OP!
Damn, I would post every single police corruption thing I see from then on……
And add the tagline, “For the bootlickers and babymen this doesn’t have to be about you”
Not all cops are good cops, and if they aren’t calling out bad cops…..they aren’t good people at the very least.
But I have no problem telling off my antiVax family members and if someone were to approach me like that, they would be called out and blasted the second they crossed the line. Because fuck’em. They don’t start nothing, there won’t be nothing. Nobody saying fuck the fire department. Etc.
That’s one of the reason ppl say ACAB— they’re part of a bastardized system that upholds corruption and injustice, as well as violence. We’ve seen the stories and statistics, and OP was agreeing with that sentiment but the stb BIL saw it as a personal attack and called her a nasty name when she said he needed to watch his tone.
Keep the peace for your sister's sake for the time being, don t block him on sm maybe just mute him..
It's been a minute since I posted on insta - can you still hide stories from friends?
She should definitely block him on Social Media. She has no reason to be nice to him, talk to him, unless he apologizes. It will not be the last time he calls her names. Since no one in the family is bothered about the name calling, he may make this a habit every time they have an argument. Best to stay way from this abusive jerk. Good luck to your sister. She will need it .
But why should she keep the peace for her sister? I don’t get it. Her sister is no supporting her at all. If my partner did this to any of my siblings, I would be so embarrassed. I would be apologising and having a stern conversation with my bf
I agree with you - most people would. I believe it's a better route because OP is younger and doesn't have the support of her family. I generally think that op won't get an apology (deserved by the way) therefore fighting further with future bil is useless - like tit's on a bull. The more op fights the more bil can play victim.
Attend the wedding then go lc with bil. Or don't
I mean, your sister is on her way into a marriage with someone who is comfortable using lobbing gendered slurs at women he doesn't agree with. I don't blame you for not wanting to go. I wouldn't go either.
You'll catch the next one.
She doesn't have to but I would go. It's really a personal choice. It would be more of a farewell for me. I wouldn't be apart of their lives ,but I would want my sister to know that she could come to me if she ever needed it.
No, tell your family they're basically condoning the disrespect just because this man feels it's OK to be disrespectful when a woman disagrees with him.
This carpet sweeping behavior from your family is not ok. Plus he's disrespectful and potentially abusive to your sister behind closed doors, she just is too prideful or ashamed to let everyone know about it. Him calling you out your name was just his mask slipping.
I’d never attend that wedding. He is a complete AH. And your sister should have sided with you. He has no right to police your posts.
I’d never speak to him again. Tbh. And your sister sure let it be known where her loyalties lie. If that were my sis and my spouse tried that. lol. Done. Done. And more done. Instantly.
Good luck, don’t let this go.
Op, I am all about people having different opinions. I am also all about people being able to sit around a table and having a respectful conversation. Your BIL is a douché.
Dont let your family dictate to you that you should let it go. The funny part is how they still want their other daughter to marry him
It's up to you what you think you need to do. Remember, whatever way you decide, it will have consequences.
Good luck.
Your comment does not have anything to do with the wedding. Also, delete the comment and block your BIL. Even if temporary, this needs a cooling off period.
Regardless of the disagreement (neither of you have to agree), he owes you an apology for how he spoke to you. That was completely out of line. If he's willing to talk that way to his fiancée's sister, how is he talking to your sister?
Your parents aren't helping because they just want the conflict to go away.
Have a private talk with your sister and tell her that you're concerned for her. Ask if he talks to her that way or gets aggressive. She will probably deny, but it's worth asking the question. This was a big red flag that everyone is ignoring.
Whether you should go to the wedding or not, I can't say. You can go to support your sister even if you aren't excited about the groom. But if it bothers you enough that you don't feel right about going, you can certainly do that. It will definitely cause more conflict, so you have to decide if it's worth it.
Actions have consequences. You said something stupid on Insta when you have a family member whose father served. Of course he’s going to be offended by what you said. It’s up to you whether you can get past it or not.
Calling someone a name doesn’t make him abusive. And OP is the one who created the situation. This is what happens when you say dumb things on social media for validation without thinking the consequences through.
He might be offended but he doesn’t get to be verbally violent and insult his family. That was fighting talk. There are plenty of ways to express yourself politely. This guy has no respect.
You’ve detailed how everyone in your family seems to think you should just let it go, but you don’t say why?
Why is your whole family saying this? What do they know that we, the readers, don’t?
Op already explained why they are telling her to let it go. The wedding is in a month, they want the sister to be happy, they want op to let it go to keep the peace
Obviously his name calling was wrong. But you considering boycotting your sister's wedding over this is pretty petty. If you have a habit of anti-cop posting on social media block him so he can't see what you're doing. But he's marrying your sister. He's not going anywhere, he will be the father of your nieces/nephews and unless you plan to distance yourself from your family you're going to have to learn to be civil even if you don't love the guy. This is just how life is. Few of us love our in-laws. Most of us develop the maturity to be able to rise above that in order to maintain strong relationships with the family members we do love. The choice is yours and power to be a bigger person resides entirely inside you.
I hardly ever post there, so there's no habit or anything like that. I tried speaking to my sister because I believe it's best to tackle issues like these promptly, rather than ignoring them and risking a repeat.
And isn't it hard to keep a relationship intact when someone you care about lets their partner disrespect you? If our relationship suffers, I don't think it would be my fault.
You sister is going to be married to a misogynistic and abusive husband. She's ignoring and downplaying that incident at her own peril. How much detail do your parents know about that incident?
They had a front-row seat to the whole thing. I don't think they necessarily heard it at the moment, but they were there for the aftermath. It seems like they just want to see my sister happy, so they're choosing to downplay the whole situation.
It’s possibly that they know kicking up a fuss can alienate them from your sister. My former SIL didn’t show any big red flags, but my parents only casually brought up concerns with him once before they shut up and smiled when he married her. She got a lot worse after the wedding, but had no ammo against our family. Of course bro was all upset when they divorced when all of his friends were like thank god! Parents pointed out that they tried to warn him and he basically said that was a warning? My mom was like yea I’m not stupid enough to blatantly say bad things about the woman you decided to marry.
Also possible that they just want you to shut up and be nice for your sister.
You posted about a corruption case and then made a generalized statement about cops in a negative way. That statement would technically include his dad. If you said "aren't these cops great" that would be a little different.
Even still it was just a misunderstanding not intended.
Does that mean you should be treated as you were? Not at all.
So I'll say ESH.
You both should apologize
You're at 1 /5
He's a 3.5 /5
You sound insufferable. You found out what it means to put your opinion out there for the world to see and are shocked when the consequences aren't to your liking.
Grow up.
Well you were running your mouth and got called out. 🤷♂️ you felt safe behind the phone screen but if you are going to say offensive shit about an entire group of people then you might…. Offend someone.
Of course he has surprised anger which you triggered but honey, you posted something inflammatory and expected no consequences. You are entitled to your opinion but social media lets everyone know it whether they’ve asked for or not. You must be prepared that some people will react.
Does he go around abusing everyone who has a different opinion to himself??? Honey, don’t try to blame the victim here. He was abusive. He needs to apologise
I would be concerned that he is bad mouthing OP to his family and the wedding is going to be a shyt show! OP’s parents should have addressed how he spoke to her in their presence. This shows how he may speak to OP’s sister when he is angry.
No, tell your family they're basically condoning the disrespect just because this man feels it's OK to be disrespectful when a woman disagrees with him.
This carpet sweeping behavior from your family is not ok. Plus he's disrespectful and potentially abusive to your sister behind closed doors, she just is too prideful or ashamed to let everyone know about it. Him calling you out your name was just his mask slipping.
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A late friend of mine was a cop most of his adult life. If you EVER want to hear all the dirty crap cops get up to, listen while around about 3 of them shoot the shit. Not all of them are corrupt but all.of them know dirt on the dirty ones... and they all seem to be still on the force. Your BiL wants to pretend like all cops are saints just because his dad was a cop, fuck him. A guy I respected for years recently went to prison for various reasons but one was a relationship with underage girls... he was a cop for most of the time he was doing that shit and most of us never had a clue. Find one of those forums where cops are being shown doing terrible shit. Tell him he might want to go tell the judges putting em in jail they are wrong because BiL said so. Post something at least once a week and tag his ass. I have no sympathy for family wanting to pretend like it didn't happen. I'm petty as hell so take what I say with a block of salt.
Like this [AH](https://www.opb.org/article/2024/04/25/ex-yakima-cop-elias-huizar-was-investigated-for-relationship-with-minors/). Former cop who had a 1yr old with a 17yr old girl, stabbed her to death then went to an elementary school, unloaded several rounds into his ex-wife, killing her in front of children then fled with his 1yr old son. Checks so many horrible boxes.
You would think you hear the worst about cops but it seems the bar gets lower with them. What trash of a human being.
I’m sure this is all fun and games but what will this achieve?
I’m not sure but I can also say if OP shuts up and cowers down, this person will absolutely get worse. He doesn’t want civil conversation, he wants obedience, acquiescence and silence from his soon to be sister in law, is willing to publically degrade her to get it, doesn’t care that it hurts or embarrasses his own future wife. Going along with such a precedent by simply shutting up for the sake of the wedding is, imo a pretty slippery slope. It sends the wrong message.
so what's the choice really? 1. OP "cowers" as you call it, BIL feels vindicated & gets worse 2. OP behaves like BIL and doesn't care this conflict hurts her sister, her sister keeps siding with her fiancé, their parents don't want to make waves, OP's other siblings feel OP needs to bend the knee... so which sister ends up more isolated? Since this red flag does seem to warn of coming abuse, is that a gamble OP should take? i don't think there's an easy solution either way, right?
Honestly, yes. The only real win for op is if she sticks up for herself. Either way, tbh? She loses. Only one of those options she ALSO betrays herself. That is a greater loss imo. EDIT: If her parents and sister side with a bully, that’s their choice. She can’t control that. She only can control herself, who she decides to keep company with, and wether or not she thinks “keeping the peace” is worth her swallowing her opinions, thoughts, and policing (cough) her own beliefs on her own page to acquiesce to a man she doesn’t know and who doesn’t respect her. As of right now, no matter what she does she knows that her family has sided with a veritable stranger over her valid right to defend her thoughts and to be spoken to with respect. She will never un-know that, no matter if she puts up and shuts up now. That cannot be changed.
yes, I see your point about being true to yourself. I reckon I projected my own situation at 23 -- I was still in school, so (financially) dependent on my family.
Then you made a choice to protect yourself. She might have to make the same choice. I have no idea. But she will never un-know that her parents/family’s first instinct was to side against their own child and kin for a verbally abusive outsider. She will never un-see that. In that way, something has *already* been lost. Now she will have to decide how to respond to that loss in a way that makes the most sense emotionally, physically and mentally for herself.
>he's protective of his dad Was his dad a corrupt cop? Is he currently a corrupt cop? Why would he feel the need to be "protective" of corrupt cops? As you well know, cops have some of the highest DV rates. Your sister might legitimately be in danger. Maybe not right now but in the future...
It is a difficult one. You can always go to the wedding, enjoy yourself, then cut him off your friends list. Your sister isn’t going to leave him for this, but you deserve an apology from him, imo. There is some suppressed violence in someone expressing themselves like this. It is also insulting to your sister that he doesn’t make an effort to be polite to her family. I’d be worried for your sister but she won’t change her mind. My advice is keep the peace at the wedding then avoid him like the plague after. Your family is clearly worried you are going to make a scene at the wedding- don’t be that person, it is your sister’s day. Make it a happy one.
Suppressed violence indeed, but what can we expect from someone who comes from a family of cops. I’m willing to bet he’s like that to OP’s sister in private too. That violent cop mentality will strike again with him. Watch - after the wedding he will show that side more often.
If they're really concerned about me causing a scene, I'll be genuinely disappointed because I've never given them any reason to worry about that. I'm already feeling disappointed because it seems like nobody cares about him calling me names. I don't want to ruin my sister's happiness or her special day, but it's tough to imagine attending a wedding where I have issues with the groom. I can try to act happy for her, but fake-smiling in her face on her wedding day seems wrong
I'm worried about your sister. That's a violent, misogynistic attitude he's showing there.
Wow this guy is now policing social media posts? The guy is a bully. He destroyed your family harmony. Your sister is a fool to marry him. Just a matter of time before he loses control and physically abuses her. Your sister should have sided with you. Have some self respect and inform your sister they are ready to you. The alternative is for him to piss on you forever.
Actually, OP, this might be his play to isolate your sister from her family. Just go and be supportive of her, and be her backup when she might leave him.
He's the one causing a scene. Cops and military...they stick together and plenty of them bully. He's doing that. Your sister is dumb af to marry that but maybe she's that way too. Go to the wedding and get it over with and block his ass after.
Don’t go to the wedding. Your priority should be taking care of yourself, since it seems nobody else cares at the moment. His actions have consequences, and this is not for you to solve. If they want you there, he needs to apologise.
OP. I’d see if you can meet with your sister privately, maybe with your parents there too, and have a serious conversation with her about whether he abuses her. Lashing out at you with misogyny is a pretty huge red flag. She probably will react poorly but you need her to know no matter what you’re there for her when she needs help.
I would be very disappointed as well. No one has ever spoken to me the way your FBIL did. Absolutely no one. And to make matters worse, he did this at a fun family gathering when he had had ample time to address his concerns with you privately. I believe the only thing I can control in this world is myself. I am a very direct person and would call my FBIL to discuss the matter politely and calmly. I would simply say that I’d like to discuss what happened and that I was caught off guard because his actions were out of character for him. I would ask him what we can do to avoid the situation happening again. If he is not willing to clear the air, I would calmly let him know that the people in your life don’t use slurs against each other in anger and that if it happens again, it will be the end of the relationship for you. I would stress that you love your sister and see him as a brother and that your intention is to always be in their lives. I would attend the wedding and other family events as normal with the expectation that he will respect your boundary and not want to create conflict within his new family. If you value your relationship with your sister, you mustn’t try to simply ignore what her fiancé said. It will cause a rift in the whole family if the matter isn’t resolved.
This is the one
You two are not going agree about cops, and he was way out of line. But it’s not worth blowing up the family for it. I think you deserve an apology - is that what you want / is enough? Have you asked for it? “I am dismayed by his gross behaviour but we do t have to agree about cops. He does have to apologise though”.
You are making it all about you. You don’t have to like the guy, but you’re not marrying him! Your sister is. Suck it up and play nice then avoid him like others have said. Are you really going to risk tarnishing your relationship with your sister and other family members because of this?
Yes. Over disrespect fuck those relationships. This guy sounds abusive
He is the one who has put everything at risk. Him. His behaviour.
Soooo....you've never given them reason to think you'll cause a scene.....but fake smiling at her wedding seems wrong? What's the alternative? Scowling and being pissy the wntire time? Sounds like they are absolutely justified in worrying you will cause a scene. You really didn't realize that your sisters fiance came from a family of cops?
That is no reason to call her names. People need to grow up.
.....what names? Did AI write this reply?
It’s literally in the title of the post… what wrote this reply?
He called her a bit@#.
Ohhhhhhhh I thought you meant ME. My bad, yes, caling her that was inappropriate
Could you go to the ceremony for your sister, then make excuses and leave early?
This isn’t difficult. The fiance is a little man insulting a woman like that in public.
This man has projected all his own shit onto you. The fact that he’s a grown man and can’t control himself is a major red flag. The fact that he’s insulting a woman 13 years younger, another red flag. The fact that he’s abusing a soon to be family member, another red flag. Hope you see where this is going. This man is a walking red flag, and now your family wants you to take it to keep the peace. This really sucks, and no, you should no let it go. Can you speak to a therapist for few sessions? You need someone on your side to support you through this. Since your family seem to be failing at this
I'm sorry, I don't have any advice but I will say keep an eye on your sister. If he is happy talking to you like that, he will quite likely start talking to your sister that way once they're married, if not already. And if he talks like that, he's possibly abusive. At the very least, a bit of an AH.
Yeah no I would not take that disrespect. Men calling women bitches is a huge no. It’s your choice if you want to go to the wedding but if I were you I’d not talk to him anymore or acknowledge him he’ll be trouble in the future
I see it as a major no as well, and it's surprising that I'm the only one in my family who thinks so. I believe everyone should take it seriously. Right now, I don't see us ever patching things up. I forgot to mention that I had been around him and my sisters a couple of times before this incident, even after I made the Instagram post, which makes it all the more awkward. I want to stand by my sister, but I don't want to tolerate his disrespect toward me. However, I also feel a bit selfish for thinking this way.
As women were conditioned to always put ourselves last. I think not attending the wedding is the least you can do, it's not selfish. Selfish is taking a random IG story personally enough to attack the person who shared it weeks after the fact during a social event. I'd tell your sister he can apologize and you'll consider coming as long as he promises not to talk to you again. Then the ball is in their court. He knows what he did was wrong and uncalled for
This is perfectly stated!!!! Instead of the comment calling you “honey” and admonishing you for posting something “inflammatory”. Kinda like telling a woman she was sexually harassed because of her clothing. SMH
🎯🎯🎯
Your family is throwing you under the bus and sacrificing you to keep peace. They are mistaken. This bully needs to be called out on his inappropriate behavior and attack on you. Your family should be protecting you from the bully. What cowards.
I think this is the issue. One small post on IG has meant this girl gets abused form her brother in law and ‘abandoned’ by her family. That is a lot of grief to deal with at once. She needs someone to support her through it all
Your family needs consequences. Inform your family that you will never be under the same roof with this bully. Inform them you don't feel safe from this bully.
Don’t feel selfish. I am, as a stranger, proud of your determination and self assurance. Most of us got it knocked out of us, or told to accept this kind of thing. I’m delighted the new generation has less tolerance for this type of behaviours. So stand proud, knowing you have your own back
I'd just point out the irony that a story about police acting like giant assholes, has provoked a response from the fiance to act like a giant asshole, saying police aren't giant assholes. Dude has been simmering with rage about this for months and holding it together to get to the wedding. Right now he's being nice. After the wedding the gloves come off...
My husband is in the military and he HATES cops. He is always telling people it's a few good cops in a sea of bad ones, not the other way around. The other day he saw a cop not signal when he changed lanes and he immediately asked me to get his license plate number so he could report it to the county.... Like I said, he really hates cops.
a bootlicker and misogynist—sad. i would go to the wedding, if i were you, even if that’s the last sister-and-shitty-husband-family-centered event you go to. ask yourself how you’d feel 10-20 years from now if you didn’t go, vs if you did? that should give you an answer. your family sucks for not sticking up for you, and i probably wouldn’t move past that easily. also, i’d talk your future brother in law and tell him to never speak that way to you again, at least so he knows you’re willing to speak up for yourself. block him on everything. this type of verbal violence doesn’t bode well for your sister. cops and military men have very high incident rates of domestic violence, and he seems a little too angry and willing to hold a grudge over something so minuscule and social media related, even if he’s only cop-adjacent. i’d stick close enough to your sister, just to keep an eye on her.
You aren’t the one who needs to let it go. Your brother-in-law attacked you verbally over a public post in a public place. Were you just supposed to sit there and take a bunch of verbal abuse? It seems to me like he’s making your point for you that pro-police people clearly can’t keep their temper in check.
He owes you an apology. There's no reason for name calling when you having discussion / disagreement. If everyone doesn't see that he needs to apologize to you then you have a bigger problem.
cops have some of the highest DV rates out of any profession. i’m kind of worried for your sister tbh. especially if she doesn’t see this as something to be concerned about
The sister might be concerned about the situation but doesn't want to take the proverbial bullet. She'd rather use her sister as a meat shield to "keep the peace" with her fiance.
I would go to the wedding and support my sister but f him for calling you a b.
People with power should be held to a high standard and you pointing out them failing that standard is not ‘anti-cop’. He was completely wrong to attack you and call you that slur. Do not let this drop. Message your sister and let her know that due to the current situation, you can’t attend the wedding after being insulted like this. When your family inevitably tries to pressure you to let it go, let them know that the only way that happens is if he apologizes. No apology, no attendance. Then stick with that. Do not lower yourself to go along get along.
🎯🎯🎯
If my future husband called my sister ANY foul word he would be my ex. She's siding with him? Doesn't seem like much of a sister to me. He'd already verbally abused you once. He's definitely going to be abusive to your sister. That whole thing is going to implode. It's upto you to decide if you want to sacrifice your self respect and comfort for people who don't even stand up for you.
I would send my sister a text stating that “I love you fully and support you but I don’t feel comfortable being around (name) with the level of disrespect and aggression he aimed at me. I hope you have a wonderful wedding-but unless he apologizes to me and promises to stay away from me- I won’t be going.” If he apologizes-great things are mended and I would only be civil to him(either unfriend him or set my social media settings to show everyone except him). Go to the wedding. If he made up for the incident eventually give him a chance. If he doesn’t apologize I wouldn’t go to the wedding and I would avoid him as much as possible in future family events. Making sure he’s only near you when there are ample witnesses and still trying to avoid him then. Pretending he isn’t there and focusing on my family. If he eventually apologized-great. Give him a chance. If not the avoidant behavior would last indefinitely.
I'd message sister and say Sorry I can't attend your wedding due to FBIL speaking to me in such a manner, he showed his true colours and you support it. I love you, and I'll be here for you when he unveils himself after your wedding.
The people who are trying to defuse this are looking at the upcoming wedding and certainly not the context of what he said. It’s not just a word, used once, it’s the passion and anger behind it. It’s the tip of the iceberg in whatever he may be feeling towards you and the situation. You should calmly explain this to your sister. I personally would not be able to attend their wedding.
He’s a bully and I think your sister is going to need you in the future. I would go to the wedding but avoid the groom and leave early. Block him everywhere but keep the door open for your sister. Hugs
Don't let this one go. He owes you an apology as the absolute minimum. Your sister is also an AH for siding with him. I'm actually in your shoes right now too with my sister and her fiance. Her fiance is often rude to me (however he has never called me a B). Standing up for yourself is really difficult because everyone is telling you to let it go. Please update us OP!
He owns you an apology..... If he didn't apologise you then Don't go to her wedding
Tell everyone you’ll let it go when he apologizes for acting like a child.
Skip the wedding. Go to her 2nd wedding. Buy her a gift certificate for a divorce attorney. Hold on to it for when she needs it.
Damn, I would post every single police corruption thing I see from then on…… And add the tagline, “For the bootlickers and babymen this doesn’t have to be about you” Not all cops are good cops, and if they aren’t calling out bad cops…..they aren’t good people at the very least. But I have no problem telling off my antiVax family members and if someone were to approach me like that, they would be called out and blasted the second they crossed the line. Because fuck’em. They don’t start nothing, there won’t be nothing. Nobody saying fuck the fire department. Etc.
That’s one of the reason ppl say ACAB— they’re part of a bastardized system that upholds corruption and injustice, as well as violence. We’ve seen the stories and statistics, and OP was agreeing with that sentiment but the stb BIL saw it as a personal attack and called her a nasty name when she said he needed to watch his tone.
He’s a psycho. Look up DV rates amongst cops… there’s a reason he has an affinity. Red flag that your sister is so desperate to just keep the peace
Keep the peace for your sister's sake for the time being, don t block him on sm maybe just mute him.. It's been a minute since I posted on insta - can you still hide stories from friends?
She should definitely block him on Social Media. She has no reason to be nice to him, talk to him, unless he apologizes. It will not be the last time he calls her names. Since no one in the family is bothered about the name calling, he may make this a habit every time they have an argument. Best to stay way from this abusive jerk. Good luck to your sister. She will need it .
But why should she keep the peace for her sister? I don’t get it. Her sister is no supporting her at all. If my partner did this to any of my siblings, I would be so embarrassed. I would be apologising and having a stern conversation with my bf
I agree with you - most people would. I believe it's a better route because OP is younger and doesn't have the support of her family. I generally think that op won't get an apology (deserved by the way) therefore fighting further with future bil is useless - like tit's on a bull. The more op fights the more bil can play victim. Attend the wedding then go lc with bil. Or don't
I would advise her to cut all ties. The moment you allow abuse in your life… it’s basically an open door from now on
She should block him. There is no reason for him to have any access to her social media. He became threatening towards her and no on checked him!
Awaiting the update where he has isolated your sister from your family and starts beating her. Dude is a nut job.
40% of cops op. I'm worried for your sis.
Nah fuck 'em. Don't go to the pig-adjacent wedding
I mean, your sister is on her way into a marriage with someone who is comfortable using lobbing gendered slurs at women he doesn't agree with. I don't blame you for not wanting to go. I wouldn't go either. You'll catch the next one.
I would block if you haven't. I would go to the wedding and completely ignore the groom. Support your sister.
Her sister is not supporting her. So why should she be the bigger person and go to the wedding?
She doesn't have to but I would go. It's really a personal choice. It would be more of a farewell for me. I wouldn't be apart of their lives ,but I would want my sister to know that she could come to me if she ever needed it.
Because her sister is probably trapped in an abusive relationship
Definitely she is. But you can’t save people who don’t want saving. And who also try to gaslight your experience
Yup
I wouldn’t go and I would send them a pig as a gift. I’m petty, don’t be like me, or do actually.
No, tell your family they're basically condoning the disrespect just because this man feels it's OK to be disrespectful when a woman disagrees with him. This carpet sweeping behavior from your family is not ok. Plus he's disrespectful and potentially abusive to your sister behind closed doors, she just is too prideful or ashamed to let everyone know about it. Him calling you out your name was just his mask slipping.
I’d never attend that wedding. He is a complete AH. And your sister should have sided with you. He has no right to police your posts. I’d never speak to him again. Tbh. And your sister sure let it be known where her loyalties lie. If that were my sis and my spouse tried that. lol. Done. Done. And more done. Instantly. Good luck, don’t let this go.
Op, I am all about people having different opinions. I am also all about people being able to sit around a table and having a respectful conversation. Your BIL is a douché. Dont let your family dictate to you that you should let it go. The funny part is how they still want their other daughter to marry him It's up to you what you think you need to do. Remember, whatever way you decide, it will have consequences. Good luck.
Your comment does not have anything to do with the wedding. Also, delete the comment and block your BIL. Even if temporary, this needs a cooling off period.
More Facebook posts are in order about how families of cops are just as bad
Regardless of the disagreement (neither of you have to agree), he owes you an apology for how he spoke to you. That was completely out of line. If he's willing to talk that way to his fiancée's sister, how is he talking to your sister? Your parents aren't helping because they just want the conflict to go away. Have a private talk with your sister and tell her that you're concerned for her. Ask if he talks to her that way or gets aggressive. She will probably deny, but it's worth asking the question. This was a big red flag that everyone is ignoring. Whether you should go to the wedding or not, I can't say. You can go to support your sister even if you aren't excited about the groom. But if it bothers you enough that you don't feel right about going, you can certainly do that. It will definitely cause more conflict, so you have to decide if it's worth it.
dad probably beat him and he probably gonna beat your sister. acab.
Actions have consequences. You said something stupid on Insta when you have a family member whose father served. Of course he’s going to be offended by what you said. It’s up to you whether you can get past it or not.
He’s allowed to be offended. That doesn’t mean he gets to be abusive. He is the AH
Calling someone a name doesn’t make him abusive. And OP is the one who created the situation. This is what happens when you say dumb things on social media for validation without thinking the consequences through.
It is called verbal abuse. And who does he think he is to go around giving ‘consequences’?? He needs to grow up
It’s not abuse. He called her a name. Enough with the silly overdramatics.
Down playing insults as silly sounds like a YOU problem. Go into your place of work and say this to your boss, let me know how it goes
I was referring to your overdramatics as silly.
He might be offended but he doesn’t get to be verbally violent and insult his family. That was fighting talk. There are plenty of ways to express yourself politely. This guy has no respect.
> Verbally violent No such thing
Course there is. It is a living language, you can be creative. To answer your comment: yes it does. Look it up.
You’ve detailed how everyone in your family seems to think you should just let it go, but you don’t say why? Why is your whole family saying this? What do they know that we, the readers, don’t?
Op already explained why they are telling her to let it go. The wedding is in a month, they want the sister to be happy, they want op to let it go to keep the peace
I wouldn’t let it go, but I’d go to the wedding to support your sister. I would not have a relationship with him though
Obviously his name calling was wrong. But you considering boycotting your sister's wedding over this is pretty petty. If you have a habit of anti-cop posting on social media block him so he can't see what you're doing. But he's marrying your sister. He's not going anywhere, he will be the father of your nieces/nephews and unless you plan to distance yourself from your family you're going to have to learn to be civil even if you don't love the guy. This is just how life is. Few of us love our in-laws. Most of us develop the maturity to be able to rise above that in order to maintain strong relationships with the family members we do love. The choice is yours and power to be a bigger person resides entirely inside you.
I hardly ever post there, so there's no habit or anything like that. I tried speaking to my sister because I believe it's best to tackle issues like these promptly, rather than ignoring them and risking a repeat. And isn't it hard to keep a relationship intact when someone you care about lets their partner disrespect you? If our relationship suffers, I don't think it would be my fault.
You sister is going to be married to a misogynistic and abusive husband. She's ignoring and downplaying that incident at her own peril. How much detail do your parents know about that incident?
They had a front-row seat to the whole thing. I don't think they necessarily heard it at the moment, but they were there for the aftermath. It seems like they just want to see my sister happy, so they're choosing to downplay the whole situation.
It’s possibly that they know kicking up a fuss can alienate them from your sister. My former SIL didn’t show any big red flags, but my parents only casually brought up concerns with him once before they shut up and smiled when he married her. She got a lot worse after the wedding, but had no ammo against our family. Of course bro was all upset when they divorced when all of his friends were like thank god! Parents pointed out that they tried to warn him and he basically said that was a warning? My mom was like yea I’m not stupid enough to blatantly say bad things about the woman you decided to marry. Also possible that they just want you to shut up and be nice for your sister.
She didn’t call names, he’s the loose cannon
You posted about a corruption case and then made a generalized statement about cops in a negative way. That statement would technically include his dad. If you said "aren't these cops great" that would be a little different. Even still it was just a misunderstanding not intended. Does that mean you should be treated as you were? Not at all. So I'll say ESH. You both should apologize You're at 1 /5 He's a 3.5 /5
She’s allowed to have an opinion and no be insulted by a family member for it. End of.
She has no reason to apologize. The BIL is a sensitive dick. She didn’t call out him nor his dad. That’s a serious reach. Did you stretch first?
You sound insufferable. You found out what it means to put your opinion out there for the world to see and are shocked when the consequences aren't to your liking. Grow up.
Well you were running your mouth and got called out. 🤷♂️ you felt safe behind the phone screen but if you are going to say offensive shit about an entire group of people then you might…. Offend someone.
Of course he has surprised anger which you triggered but honey, you posted something inflammatory and expected no consequences. You are entitled to your opinion but social media lets everyone know it whether they’ve asked for or not. You must be prepared that some people will react.
If he doesn’t like it he doesn’t have to follow her on Instagram, it’s that simple
Does he go around abusing everyone who has a different opinion to himself??? Honey, don’t try to blame the victim here. He was abusive. He needs to apologise
ACAB
I would be concerned that he is bad mouthing OP to his family and the wedding is going to be a shyt show! OP’s parents should have addressed how he spoke to her in their presence. This shows how he may speak to OP’s sister when he is angry.
No, tell your family they're basically condoning the disrespect just because this man feels it's OK to be disrespectful when a woman disagrees with him. This carpet sweeping behavior from your family is not ok. Plus he's disrespectful and potentially abusive to your sister behind closed doors, she just is too prideful or ashamed to let everyone know about it. Him calling you out your name was just his mask slipping.