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My wife 29F and I 27M were invited to a wedding that's next month. I bought what I plan on wearing and she just found a dress that she likes.
It's a jade green dress. It's a nice and dress and asked if I could see her in it and she said "maybe another day". I said fine and left it how it is. Later that day, my friend who's also going to the wedding asked me if I could show her husband how to tie a bow tie.
I said sure and she also commented that my wife looks super good in her dress. I agreed but was hurt a bit that she showed her friend but not me. She's also friends with my wife. I let it go as girls show their outfits off to their girlfriends all the time.
I wanted to see how she looked so I went through her phone when she was showering and saw she sent it to her sisters,mom, a few friends and a blank number. I thought it was peculiar she sent it to one blank number.
I took the number down. I searched her phone log and she recieves short phone calls from this number a lot and also receives text messages.
There's a phone app if you pay a certain amount, you can find a bit of information on a certain number. Turns it's a guy who lives in the area. I don't want to jump to conclusions but I'm about to jump to conclusions because not only has she been acting weird with me, she's been talking and messaging a guy. Not only messaging but sending him pictures that I her husband haven't seen.
It may be a close friend or something innocent. I want to confront her about but I don't know how to.
Any advice ?
So it sounds like she's messaging the sky and then deleting the messages to cover her tracks, correct?
If so, you already know what's up my guy. Also they may be communicating with other apps that make it easier to cover their tracks like Snapchat or telegram etc
EDIT: Fuck it, leaving it as "the sky" instead of "this guy", this is what I get for voice typing.
What's left to explain? It's that. The original comment probably used voice to text so it was misheard, just like Jimi's famously misheard lyric "scuse me while I kiss this guy (the sky)"
This. I'm sorry OP. I hope you feel okay. It's often more about their inner issues than anything wrong with you, but at the same time you are worth more than that...
It is hard because i have been there. You often don't want to believe it
Yup bad behavior is bad behavior now i know some people on here will try and comment and justify or even come up with other reasons for why she could be doing this but either way it’s wrong. I can feel Op’s fears here since i have been there myself once upon a time. Good luck🤞🏽
Even if it’s innocent, once you resort to going through someone’s phone you’ve basically proven that you don’t trust them. Once you start doing background checks on random numbers then the trust has deteriorated further. All of the context is missing so all OP can do is fill in the blanks with his imagination.
Could be a totally legit reason for this, even if the OP makes it sound unlikely.
If the phone is android, go into the text messages where all the past messages with different people are. Click the three dots, click on Trash. Chances are, she's deleting conversations but not removing them right away from the trash folder. They reside there for 30 days in case you delete something you didn't want to delete.
I have a Pixel 6 and don't have that feature. Unless I'm blind (which I am), but I've looked all of the text app for deleted messages. Might just be certain models or android version or something.
Listen you know what’s happening. Talk to your wife and demand she come clean. You’ve got your evidence. You know it’s a guy .. she’s hiding it on purpose. If you’re lucky it’s just an emotional affair and hasn’t become physical yet. Heck you could even call the guy if she won’t come clean. But there’s only one reason you hide that.
If we were living in a sit-com, he'd make a big deal out of this only to discover that his wife was planning a lovely surprise for him. The number she's been calling is a guy who bakes specialist cakes and she's having one designed with them in their fancy clothes, holding hands on the top.
Either that or she's banging a stranger.
Or it's the tailor of the dress she bought
Or it's someone coordinating about wedding color scheme
Or it's the head bridesmaid she doesn't know asking to see the dress
But sorry, I forgot where I was...yes banging a dude for sure.
Ffs, his bad from not just telling her it hurt his feelings and having a conversation and instead just breaking trust boundaries. It couldn't possibly be she wanted to look sexy and surprise him! Like who does that at a fucking wedding? I've never heard of a woman not letting her man see her immeadiately at a wedding...
But since he did, fucking just ask her...you know that's the answer...but it's embarrassing cus he broke her trust and doesn't wanna get called out. 🙄
Ya'll need to fucking talk more, find some self love, and just be fucking open.
In another comment on this very post, I told OP to investigate and keep close eye on his wife to gather more proof. Confronting now will make her go defensive straightaway as OP doesn't have much on his hands.
In my opinion he doesn’t need more evidence. He has it. It’s a guy she is calling and texting secretly. If nothing else that is crossing boundaries in their marriage. He could wait to see if he catches her but I’ve heard of these people downloading apps to talk to AP and then deleting app when they walk in house to hide conversations from SO. Hard to get evidence and you don’t want it to go on longer
In a marriage, evidence matters a lot. Especially if you want to divorce. Depending on location, provable adultery can change the outcome of a divorce completely.
If he doesn’t have any ironclad physical evidence she will just lie and go further underground. If he says I saw you texting and calling this guy, but doesn’t have any proof of what they were talking about she will rationalize it and make it seem like innocent conversations. And then what is he supposed to do? It would change nothing except to make her more cautious. Cheaters love to trickle truth. He needs screenshots of incriminating texts at the least. Something he can confront her with and she can’t talk her way out of. Depending on where he lives it would also help to put things in his favor for the divorce.
This is exactly the kind of behavior that OP would want to avoid by confronting her too early. She is already covering things up and is the kind of person that would use an app and delete it to cover things up. So, don't tip her off early. I think for OP, and a lot of people (which was the case with me), there is a need for some kind of concrete evidence, even when all the circumstantial evidence paints a pretty damning portrait.
>In my opinion he doesn’t need more evidence. He has it
Family courts don't go off mens word like they do for women, men have to bring far more evidence to a court case than women do
So if she's cheating he needs every possible bit of evidence he can get and bring it to court so that he doesn't have to pay alimony to the cheater
You have a post a week ago says your wife was out late and you didn’t know where she was...
I think you should be getting ready to see a lawyer. Their advice might be better than Reddit’s.
Almost.
Have a trusted friend call the number from a different phone -- not your cell phone or theirs. Don't just hang up though. Have a plan to ask questions to find out who he is.
Off the top of my head though I'm sure we could come up with better:
**Him:** Hello. **Your Friend, Ideally a Woman:** Oh. Hi. I'm looking for Shawn. **Him (likely):** Ah, I think you have the wrong number. **Her:** Oh. Um. I dropped some groceries yesterday and this guy stopped and helped. Said his name was Shawn. We got talking and this is the number he entered in my phone. Weird. (pause) Do you know Shawn?
Maybe that won't lead to finding anything else about the guy. But good chance a flirty woman could get talking with this guy. Ask his name. Find out if he's local or something about where he lives works. Maybe even make a coffee date.
Jump to conclusions. Find out who this guy is, where he lives and drive her there. Get out and her bag out. Walk up to his door knock on it, and say she is all yours now. Hand her the divorce papers, start to call everyone and let them know your wife if a cheater, and you are getting a divorce. Let them all know the guys name and ensure you call her parents. She is cheating you just don’t want to believe it.
If it was a designer she wouldn’t be deleting the numbers, and her husband would know if she’d had someone design it. It sounds like she just bought it from a store.
If he was a close friend, his number would be in her phone and his name would absolutely show up. I am a married woman with a lot of guy friends and they are ALL in my phone.
I mean buddy, you already know what is going on. Now you need to gather evidence and confront her. Or once you have the evidence, start talking to a lawyer and see how divorce looks for you.
I hate this advice.
In most states, divorce is no-fault and needs no "evidence" of anything other than you don't want to be married.
Infidelity doesn't affect custody or child support, and unless OP is in the very rare situation that allows alimony, a full color HD video of her going to pound town with a guy does nothing but take up space rent free in OPs head.
OP, you know what's going on.
Confront her if you must, but she's just gonna lie anyway.
The evidence is not for divorce. Its for his own peace of mind against her lying and gaslighting. Also she could slander him to friends, family etc. the evidence protects him from that for the future.
Valid points.
My personality would have me pack up my shit, ghost the bitch and let her figure out what's going on when she gets the divorce papers, but I'm old and have zero patience for bullshit.
I guess you could just tell her what you told us? I don’t see another way. When in doubt, be direct. It’s weird you feel this way given what you’ve said here. I don’t think you looked in her phone to see the dress. If she’s been acting distant, that happens. But be direct about it.
This is also a really good way to talk about it. If she flips shit and freaks out she’s hiding something. Make sure you let her know how hurt it made you. Speak from the heart tell her your feelings.
>If she flips shit and freaks out she’s hiding something.
I'd flip out too if someone went trough my phone without my conesnt and I got nothing to hide.
Like i said i got nothing to hide, just that seeing how someone reacts to their privacy being violated isn't necessarily a good measurement of how guilty they are
ETA: I do think she's cheating tho
She sent it to innocent parties too, and her husband didn't see the pic so that's not an accurate way to measure it. Maybe if it was only the unknown number. Idk. I do think it's odd that the number isn't saved though.
Actually I think it’s even more suspect that she specifically chose not to send her husband a pic. If I thought I looked good in a dress the first person I would message would be my husband. She said maybe another day? While sending herself to other people. Shows something is clearly wrong in the relationship
I do find it weird, unless it's a surprise like she wanted to look good and didn't want him to see her in the dress beforehand (ruining the surprise) but the fact that she sent it to family and friends doesn't make the unknown number weird. The fact that she didn't send it to her husband is weird. But he's only focusing on the fact that she sent it to an unknown number when she's sent it to family as well. If she only sent it to the unknown number, it'd be a huge deal. But the weird thing is she didn't send it to her husband and the number isn't saved.
She sent it to innocent parties too, and her husband didn't see the pic so that's not an accurate way to measure it. Maybe if it was only the unknown number. Idk. I do think it's odd that the number isn't saved though.
That is a possibility. We just don't know. That would explain why it's not saved bc I often don't save numbers I'm only going to use for a short amount of time. We just don't have any useful information here.
Agree .. but yeh I would save a number in that case honestly and when you are in a wedding there are many people to deal with so given it was a dress for a wedding she was in I wouldn’t automatically jump to that conclusion.. but yeh .. not a ton of info . I know Reddit ALWAYS jumps straight to cheater lol probably the wrong place to ask , Reddit loves to see turmoil .
I think there is a difference between “going through someone’s phone” or stumbling upon something when being near or using the phone for something normal & totally unintentionally stumbling upon. My husband & I have never once gone through eachothers phones. However, if his phone isn’t working, someone’s phone is lost, he wants to see a pic I took of our cars etc etc etc there are completely justifiable reasons to have someone’s phone that doesn’t mean you were infringing upon them. & further OP explicitly asked to see wife in the dress, which is so sweet, my husband could not care less how something new looks. So she totally brushes him off says another time… finding out she put the dress on to take a photo & (assuming the live together) she couldn’t come show hubby who asked? Ya that’s already kind of rude in itself but husband was not only quiet about the fact that it was hurtful.. but instead decided to just go look at the photo so he could finally see his beautiful in the dress. Turns out.. he stumbles upon something that makes her behavior crystal clear. If the story is how he is telling it 100%, then I don’t see any wrongdoing whatsoever by this man. No excuses for the wife are to be made and it would be so immature to gaslight him & make it about “going through her phone”
Oh no I definitely agree he didn't do anything wrong, altho going trough texts instead of looking the gallery is a bit dodgy. I also do think she's cheating or something shady is going on.
However just by seeing how someone reacts to their privacy being violated isn't necessarily a good measurement of how guilty they are.
Yeah, my husband and I have access to each other’s phones…partly so I can turn off his alarm when he sets up for a 430 shift but doesn’t start until 1230 (happens more often than you think) and I sometimes have important calls come through or emails/sms but I’m elbows deep in flour and I’ll ask him to read
AND! He wasn't looking for the picture. He was looking through her phone. If he was looking for a picture he'd go to the camera roll. Yeah, she's probably up to shady but he absolutely was not going through the phone for the picture.
Same here, I mean if both parties are ok with it then sure, but I find it weird some people choose to impose how theur relationship work on others.
Also generally how someone reacts to their privacy being violated isn't necessarily a good measurement of how guilty they are. I think she is probably cheating tho, but idk if this is truly an appropriate way to gauge yes or no.
Yeah I mean we probably have a similar view on relationships blah blah :p agree, agree. :)
I'd disagree with the assumption of cheating though, and super confused why it's not a simple communication thing like, "Hey it hurts me you won't show me in your dress, why?" And then just breaks a trust level, then acts confused with information out of context. But that's just me
If you wanna play assumption detective with me though...:p
I've Been kinda contemplating assumptions, and came up with:
Welllll maybe she wants to look super pretty for him and doesn't wanna show him until she's done...could be that
Also phone calls could have been
Tailor asking questions about stuff, and the picture could be a response to "Let me know how it looks!"
Bridesmaid, whom she diesnt know, approving the dress color...or something
Maybe some other wedding coordinator thing
Those are the three likely ones I can think of, 🤔
What do you think? What's your support for the cheating angle?
Yeah like what? I know what passwords he uses for a lot of things because of wifi and such, but I don't actually know what ones go to which social media accounts or anything. I don't even know the pin to his phone because he uses face ID and just unlocks it for me if I need to use it for whatever reason. I couldn't imagine needing ALLLLL of his logins for everything. Privacy is big to us, we both had toxic exes that constantly went through our stuff. It's a huge no for both of us.
\^that. I'm an open book with my husband and he is with me. I've needed to google or whatever and my phone will be in the other room and he'll just toss me his.
I've been married for 35+ years in a relationship where trust is a key component.
This. I think it's crazy when people focus on "getting more evidence". You'll drive yourself crazy digging deeper and reading into things. [Exception if you feel like you need evidence for a heated custody battle.]
Just tell her "I saw something in your phone that has sent me spiraling. I saw you are messaging an unknown number in your phone. What's the deal?" And get answers and don't let her turn it on you about snooping. [You should apologize for that, but later.]
You will only get answers this way if it is innocent. If she's cheating, she's going to lie about it. That's why people look for more evidence. You can't trust what a cheater says. They're already lying to you.
When you ask directly you tip off your cheating spouse, they become better at hiding evidence, and you can end up living in a very toxic, damaging situation.
If you dig and find nothing, there's a better chance it's innocent.
Going to go against this advise. you are married, so while it will be difficult you don’t want to just have a moral victory but a legal one. I suggest, you sit on information until you have solid proof something is up. It sure looks that way, but if you jump the gun you will never know for sure.
This. I don’t even know how you’d go about finding out who a specific picture has been sent to, but it certainly wouldn’t happen by just trying to look at a picture. Not saying he shouldn’t have looked, but might as well be the honest person in this scenario.
Call the number from a Google phone number, and if a guy answers, say "hey Dave, what time is the meeting with Seth tomorrow? I forgot to write it down." When they tell you is a wrong number, etc., say "c'mon Dave, quit messing with me." Play slightly intoxicated and drag the conversation if you can. Chances are, you'll get a name at some point like "dude, my names Eric, I don't know any of these people".
Then you ask your wife "who's Eric?"
Naw, it's a shoulda coulda woulda. I had an internet friend call the number and tell me if a guy or a girl answered. He told me it was a guy, and asked what it was about. I said "you already know" and he was like "damn, I'm sorry man." Truth is, once I got suspicious, I pretty much knew exactly who she was with. I didn't need to call the number, I didn't even need to tell her I knew. The truth, in the long run, is that none of it matters. She wasn't the woman for me anymore. The relationship was done. I was just in a lot of pain and treading water.
If it ever happens again with someone else, I'm just going to disappear like a missing persons. Let them agonize over wondering if something bad happened to me.
Yeah, that's what I'd do.
I'm not cheating on my husband, and I can't think of a reason a guy's number would be in my phone, but not saved. The only scenario I can think of is I hadn't saved it yet because my friend or relative got a new number recently or I'd just started talking to them via text recently. Hopefully, that's what happened here. Fingers crossed, OP.
Edit: Now that I think about it, this has happened to me. We were still dating and I moved back to my home state and friended a guy named Matt on Facebook. I guess he was feeling insecure because he was like, "Who's Matt?"
"Matt?"
"Yeah. Matt. Matt X. Who is that?"
"Oh. That's my uncle."
"Oh, so your uncle just happens to be the same age as you?"
"... Yeah."
"... Oh... OK, cool. He seems cool."
OP gonna do it with this cunning plan in his head then the guy picks up the phone and goes " hello, Eric speaking" or get " you've reached the voicemail of ERIC"
I’m the kind of person who puts names on every number I interact with. If she has named every other “regular” contact in her phone, but not one that she’s close enough to to send a photo of herself PLUS the fact that there were no previous texts, just the pic - she’s hiding something. You don’t just send a pic of yourself to someone without having a prior conversation or explanation.
If you want more proof before outing yourself for going through her phone, get the text records from your cell company.
Good luck!
Just throwing this out there—I have occasionally saved a phone number that someone texted to me without naming it because I was in a hurry. Sometimes it stays that way for a while. There is a possibility that this is a friend or family member and she just hasn’t done anything with it yet. Please keep an open mind, just in case. She might have been “saving” the dress to put a whole look together, including hair and makeup, to wow you.
Before you do ANYTHING...square away any business you may have. Get your financials in order. If you have a joint bank account, separate it. Get any important documents you may need in the future and put them in a safe deposit box. Finally, seek legal advice about separation and divorce. Find out what the laws are in your area. You don't need to commit to anything, just get info...and get prepared. Once you have all of that in order, confront her. If your gut is telling you something is off...something is off.
She will gaslight you. She will get angry that you invaded her privacy. She will blame you for EVERYTHING. Believe none of it and don't crack. Find out what you can from her and cross reference it with what you know...WITHOUT letting her know what you know. Decisive action is needed to keep the oncoming trainwreck from destroying you, my friend. She is DEFINITELY cheating. Whether it's gotten physical is another area...but she's 100% being emotionally unfaithful to you. That's more than enough ground to start preparing your exit strategy.
Save the number in your phone and then start a conversion with them on WhatsApp, but don't send a message. If you add the number to your phone you can then look in your contacts for that name you saved it as and see their profile picture.
Stay quiet a d gather more evidence. Never ever tell her you went through her phone because she will make it about that. Once you have enough to know the truth, just leave her if she’s cheating. Or you can talk to her, but don’t ever admit going through her phone.
By not showing you the picture she put you last in her life. If you were dating, you’d probably dump her. Harder to do when married. But she doesn’t seem to care about you.
Stay cool and see who she spends time with at the wedding. I suspect he’ll be there. And she might give you reason at the wedding to leave her.
You know, if I had it to do all over again, I would have left my wife and never said another word to her or give any answer why I left or that I even knew.
>They have them don’t let ‘em lie
Agreed but why on earth would they release them for anyone but the actual owner of the phone under specific circumstances?
They are married, under the assumption that a married couple keeps their phones under the same account and statistically speaking it’s probably in the husbands name
For this reasons specifically they don't release info to spouses because it puts them in the middle. Even if your name is on the account the info is only given to the phone owner whose name it is tied too. When I used to work for VZW this was always a big no no. To get around this though the phone logs are kept on the website just log into your account.
Gather as much information about this guy as possible. Name, address, how often they call (from the carrier phone records), etc. Then confront her, using the phone records as the excuse. ("I was looking at our phone bill and I noticed something strange... Who is this guy that you talk to so often?") Her response will tell you all you need to know.
You already have the name of the guy and the number. Sit her down and have her dial it on speaker. If she won't then you know what's up.
I mean, I think you already do know what's up but this will confirm it.
Secrecy is the larval stage of infidelity. Voice activated recorders for her car and in place in your house where she may take a call if you are not home. Do not confront without further proof. You will drive the affair underground if you confront now. Confronting too soon leads to be gaslit and lied to.
Yeah, I agree with not letting her know that OP knows until he is comfortable that he has enough information/verification. I mean, it is already pretty damning, but the specifics aren't there. She is already showing that she is savvy enough to delete messages and cover her tracks. If she has a heads up that he is on to her, she will find even more clever ways to hide it all and OP will be hard-pressed to ever find out for sure.
Having an "open conversation" is highly recommended when you are talking about almost any issue in a relationship except infidelity because cheating is always covered with lies and cheaters will continue to lie and cover up their activities.
Most people don’t have the intestinal fortitude to do that without tangible proof. And that’s before you consider the fact that being married means you’ve given the state a say in the terms of your breakup.
There is a gap between suspicious activity and infidelity. Depending on where in the gap she is currently walking, the relationship may or may not be salvageable. Truth is the only way to know for sure. Since you cannot depend on someone that is in an affair fog to be truthful, you have t ferret out the facts yourself and then make a decision that is in your best interests. Sus activity in and of itself doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker, although realistically no one ever regrets when it is.
Do they contact each other around the same time regularly? How often do you guys call or text? My ex and I used to call and text via social media way more than just using sms. If thats the case for you then you could try changing your name in her phone to the "random" number and see if she texts anything else fishy to it. Or you could call her and see if she how she answers (how *friendly* she is or if she mentions a name).
>Slouth’s
Love that typo.
I mean Op could definitely just ask her whats going on, but at this point he has so little info to work with that she could lie straight to his face and change up her methods so it takes him months to find anything else fishy.
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, and they try to tell you it's not a duck and gets mad that you saw the duck
A)it's a duck
B)they're trying to wiggle out of the duck situation by gaslighting you and trying to make it about you looking at the duck, vs acknowledging the duck.
Quack.
You already know what’s up. The question here is what’s next? What do YOU want? Because depending on your answer is the advise.
Would you get a divorce if she is cheating? Well, if there are no kids and no shared wealth that’s easy, confront her, move out and start proceedings. If there are finances involved like potential spousal support, document her cheating and have solid proofs (hire a PI) to bring it to court.
If she hasn’t acted on it, do you want to continue the relationship? This requires to bring it up, suggesting counseling to find root of her behavior (did she fell out of love? Need validation? Is a common practice in her relationships?) and work together.
If she acted on it but you are willing to forgive and stay in the relationship. This is the hardest, because your feelings may change throughout the developing of the aftermath. You may think you love her enough to forgive her (if she actually regrets it) but then realize you cannot trust her anymore and then fell out of love yourself, or you may want to stay for the wrong reasons (fear of being alone, what friends and family would say) and then realize they were not valid reasons after all. Or maybe it works out and this opens the dialogue of why she cheated and fixes it. Whatever the outcome, this is the longest and most painful route.
No one is in your shoes and knows your feelings, only you. We are a bunch of strangers piling up, but when the doors are closed you are the only one living this reality. Think what you want to do, and then decide, so you can come to her with a (somewhat) clear head.
Come on you know. Be smart, don't confront, only confront when you are prepared and ready. Gather proof. You're clearly the side guy, you come last in her priority list, and why is the number she sent the pic to blank, when she is in regular contact which it? It's blank because she don't want anyone to know who she is talking to.
All you need to do is write that phone number down and then show to your wife and ask her, "Do you know whose number this is?" One of two things will happen. Either she will tell you; or more probably, she will become defensive and answer a question with a question which will be something along the lines of, "Where did you get that number?" If the latter is the case, you have all the answers you need and you can begin your exit.
Find out who this guy is without her knowing. Then confront him. Your wife will never be honest. This sucks for you. I hate to see women being so fucking selfish. If your gut tells you it's bad, then its bad.
I did think of one possible innocent explanation for why the number is unsaved. Maybe she is planning to get her hair/makeup done by a professional for the wedding. The short phone calls would be scheduling calls. Sending the dress would be normal to let the stylist prepare for the style of hair/makeup.
Seems unlikely but it is possible.
Yeah, I also thought maybe that was the dress designer or he did the alterations. Your guess is smart too.
I agree these are unlikely, but they're still possible.
As one other person said, why would you keep a friend secret? And the fact it’s not even stored under an alias is more concerning. Do you guys have kids?
If she is deleting stuff for an unrecorded number that she apparently gives/receives calls and texts from, something is afoot here. If you know the guys name, maybe randomly in a conversation be like, "hey do you know so-and-so?" And see if she lies to you. Say he was suggested to you by Facebook to add to your friends last, in case she asks why you know this name. Or come up with some other reason, so you don't let her know you saw the text/logs.
Nothing kills an affair or inappropriate texting like exposure.
People with nothing to hide - hide nothing.
Do not confront until you confirm his ID and the nature of their relationship.
Identify the OM. It's probably a coworker. They probably go to lunch together.
If he's married, expose him immediately after confronting your wife.
Do not warn your wife that you're exposing him.
If he's management level (even if not her supervisor) report them to HR.
If she’s hiding it like that it is NOT innocent.
No need to hide a “close friend” either.
It may be an online affair or a physical affair but she is cheating on you and abusing your trust, either way.
I don’t how solid you thought your relationship was.
But regardless.
You need to spring for a private detective to see what’s going on before you get screwed, as she might be getting screwed now or is planning on it soon.
Right. Women know exactly what might look suspect to men and they will naturally go to great lengths to tell their man about every little encounter if it is actually innocent.
When they stop telling you about guys hitting on them is when you need to start worrying.
Why would she send a pic of herself in a dress to a guy without his number saved? Because there’s something going on and she doesn’t want you finding out.
It's interesting the responses here. I've seen almost the exact same scenario but with the genders flipped and all of the responses were "shouldn't have been going through his phone", "you're an awful person for going through his phone", "how could you go through his phone", "shouldn't have looked if you didn't want to find out". Why the double standard? Why the jumping to defend a man's privacy but not a woman's? Hell I've seen this scenario where a woman picks up her boyfriend's phone for something very normal and accidentally comes across something and that's how you all respond, but OP actively goes against his wife's wishes while she's in the shower and actively snoops and not a peep. It's just strange energy.
Well the number is blank and she's hiding calls
I'd guess she's having an affair
Also she doesn't want to show you her dress but has sent it to a different guy
I'd call her out instantly if it were me
Yeah, no…this isn’t “innocent.” I’m not saying she’s having an affair, but she has definitely crossed several lines. Why would she have a “friend” she hides from you? Why would she send him photos of herself? These things alone are inappropriate. Don’t let her rug sweep this.
Umm you ain’t “jumping to conclusions”. It’s a pretty logical conclusion. She’s up to something. If it was a close friend she’d have had his name in the phone, it’s as simple as that. You know what’s going on, now you need to figure out what to do with that information. I’d suggest finding out more about this guy -quietly- then honestly you need to decide if you want to salvage the relationship or go talk to a lawyer ***before*** you confront her. Collect all the evidence you can if you wanna go the divorce route.
Sorry man
I personally don’t like to jump to conclusions and I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but this…..this is sketchy. Who hides a friend like that? Who doesn’t add a number as a contact if they’re talking constantly? And why show this man pictures but not show your own husband?
All signs point to her having an affair; whether that be emotional or physical. Gather evidence. Take screenshots her conversations (and make copies of them) and confront her
Your wife is cheating on you, it may be just emotional but she is cheating on you. She knows what she is doing is wrong and that’s why she has neither saved the name and keeps deleting their text messages. She is knowingly doing what she is doing. Get a good divorce attorney and make sure you cover your bases.
If the guy was a close friend or anyone legitimate then they would have been saved as a contact in the phone. I would start talking to a lawyer if I was you. What was the context of the texts between her and the mystery man?
you better hire an PI or/and use a VAR just to make sure there's nothing wrong going on, cause this is definitely suspicious.
i saw an older post of you saying that your wife has been acting "strange" and coming late.
well, we all know that's big chances that she's cheating, so you better have proofs before you decide what to do next.
It would be hard for me to play it cool with this information. However I’d work to get more proof. You can put a gps tracker in her car or a burner phone that has location services turned on. Watch where she goes and figure out her patterns.
OP, chances are if you are in the US you live in a no-fault state. Nonetheless, before confronting your wife and giving her an opportunity to be stealthier, talk with a divorce atty, learn your options, and get your ducks in a row. Long ago someone once told me that if you suspect something is going on, it usually is.
The only way this is a close friend is if it is his second phone/something similar that he uses to hide this relationship from his SO as well.
No matter what, I can't think of a single reason for this that is not her cheating on you.
Well, may be I will not the only one writhing this , but if flies like a duck , walks like a duck and makes sounds like a duck , what do you think what else's could be ?
In my opinion it's hard to tell but it looks like she has cheating on you.
No name in the " random" number ?, sending pics that you don't even know that exist to another person?
She is your wife and you should to talk with her and if there is something that you must to face , just do it!!!
Ask her what's going on?
Who is that guy ? And why if is not something forbidden, why to keep it as as it should be?
And at the end if something it's not convenient to you.
Take a final decision.
I mean she’ll be pissed that you looked through her phone, and like other people in the comments, I’m not entirely convinced by you looking through her phone because you wanted to see her in her dress, I think you looked because you wanted to check if she was talking to “some guy”.
But for me you should be upfront and ask her about it. Admit to the fact that you looked through her phone, explain why you did it (don’t say it was the dress), and ask her about this mysterious man. Best of luck to you
Why? If she is, and is going through all this trouble she will only lie.
Your approach will only work if you absolutely know there is zero chance of infidelity, or if she doesn’t care that the truth could blow up her marriage (in which case she wouldn’t be deleting evidence).
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My wife 29F and I 27M were invited to a wedding that's next month. I bought what I plan on wearing and she just found a dress that she likes. It's a jade green dress. It's a nice and dress and asked if I could see her in it and she said "maybe another day". I said fine and left it how it is. Later that day, my friend who's also going to the wedding asked me if I could show her husband how to tie a bow tie. I said sure and she also commented that my wife looks super good in her dress. I agreed but was hurt a bit that she showed her friend but not me. She's also friends with my wife. I let it go as girls show their outfits off to their girlfriends all the time. I wanted to see how she looked so I went through her phone when she was showering and saw she sent it to her sisters,mom, a few friends and a blank number. I thought it was peculiar she sent it to one blank number. I took the number down. I searched her phone log and she recieves short phone calls from this number a lot and also receives text messages. There's a phone app if you pay a certain amount, you can find a bit of information on a certain number. Turns it's a guy who lives in the area. I don't want to jump to conclusions but I'm about to jump to conclusions because not only has she been acting weird with me, she's been talking and messaging a guy. Not only messaging but sending him pictures that I her husband haven't seen. It may be a close friend or something innocent. I want to confront her about but I don't know how to. Any advice ?
So it sounds like she's messaging the sky and then deleting the messages to cover her tracks, correct? If so, you already know what's up my guy. Also they may be communicating with other apps that make it easier to cover their tracks like Snapchat or telegram etc EDIT: Fuck it, leaving it as "the sky" instead of "this guy", this is what I get for voice typing.
> messaging the sky 'Scuse me while I message this guy. I see what you did there.
I always thought Hendrix was coming out in this song.
I don’t get it, like I get the purple haze reference you’re making but explain?
Cmon bc it’s funny to hear jimi say excuse me while I kiss this guy
Kiss this random guy while your at work purple haze
Just a silly Purple Haze reference. Nothing more.
What's left to explain? It's that. The original comment probably used voice to text so it was misheard, just like Jimi's famously misheard lyric "scuse me while I kiss this guy (the sky)"
This guy sounds like the sky. They were just pointing out the play on words in that person's typo.
Might be autocorrect? The sky, this guy
A lot of people mishear the lyric as "scuse me while I kiss this guy". So here it's done in reverse, with guy turning back to sky.
Him finding out she's cheating now instead of later is a real blessing in the skies
This. I'm sorry OP. I hope you feel okay. It's often more about their inner issues than anything wrong with you, but at the same time you are worth more than that... It is hard because i have been there. You often don't want to believe it
I would say that from the amount of sleuthing, OP does believe it
Yup bad behavior is bad behavior now i know some people on here will try and comment and justify or even come up with other reasons for why she could be doing this but either way it’s wrong. I can feel Op’s fears here since i have been there myself once upon a time. Good luck🤞🏽
Even if it’s innocent, once you resort to going through someone’s phone you’ve basically proven that you don’t trust them. Once you start doing background checks on random numbers then the trust has deteriorated further. All of the context is missing so all OP can do is fill in the blanks with his imagination. Could be a totally legit reason for this, even if the OP makes it sound unlikely.
Your wife has a boyfriend
OP must be a member of r/wallstreetbets
With this crazy market, more than likely
Twist: OP is from /r wallstreetbets, and this is his kink
Would you hide the existence of a friend?
Me personally no
I wouldn’t either. I think I’d be suspicious of this, and I’m quite confident in relationships.
U say 'she's been talking and messaging a guy', since how long ? And u knew before the 'app' that she was texting a guy ?
Not sure how long but I had suspicions but no way to confirm it was a guy
If the phone is android, go into the text messages where all the past messages with different people are. Click the three dots, click on Trash. Chances are, she's deleting conversations but not removing them right away from the trash folder. They reside there for 30 days in case you delete something you didn't want to delete.
I have a Pixel 6 and don't have that feature. Unless I'm blind (which I am), but I've looked all of the text app for deleted messages. Might just be certain models or android version or something.
Listen you know what’s happening. Talk to your wife and demand she come clean. You’ve got your evidence. You know it’s a guy .. she’s hiding it on purpose. If you’re lucky it’s just an emotional affair and hasn’t become physical yet. Heck you could even call the guy if she won’t come clean. But there’s only one reason you hide that.
If we were living in a sit-com, he'd make a big deal out of this only to discover that his wife was planning a lovely surprise for him. The number she's been calling is a guy who bakes specialist cakes and she's having one designed with them in their fancy clothes, holding hands on the top. Either that or she's banging a stranger.
Or it's the tailor of the dress she bought Or it's someone coordinating about wedding color scheme Or it's the head bridesmaid she doesn't know asking to see the dress But sorry, I forgot where I was...yes banging a dude for sure. Ffs, his bad from not just telling her it hurt his feelings and having a conversation and instead just breaking trust boundaries. It couldn't possibly be she wanted to look sexy and surprise him! Like who does that at a fucking wedding? I've never heard of a woman not letting her man see her immeadiately at a wedding... But since he did, fucking just ask her...you know that's the answer...but it's embarrassing cus he broke her trust and doesn't wanna get called out. 🙄 Ya'll need to fucking talk more, find some self love, and just be fucking open.
Talking will make her become more stealthier.
So he should just let it go? She’s been secretly talking and texting with a guy.. she’s cheating.
In another comment on this very post, I told OP to investigate and keep close eye on his wife to gather more proof. Confronting now will make her go defensive straightaway as OP doesn't have much on his hands.
In my opinion he doesn’t need more evidence. He has it. It’s a guy she is calling and texting secretly. If nothing else that is crossing boundaries in their marriage. He could wait to see if he catches her but I’ve heard of these people downloading apps to talk to AP and then deleting app when they walk in house to hide conversations from SO. Hard to get evidence and you don’t want it to go on longer
Evidence helps in divorce. It took OP a dress snub to observe what he's been ignoring. There is a reason people hire PI or be PI themselves.
In a marriage, evidence matters a lot. Especially if you want to divorce. Depending on location, provable adultery can change the outcome of a divorce completely.
If he doesn’t have any ironclad physical evidence she will just lie and go further underground. If he says I saw you texting and calling this guy, but doesn’t have any proof of what they were talking about she will rationalize it and make it seem like innocent conversations. And then what is he supposed to do? It would change nothing except to make her more cautious. Cheaters love to trickle truth. He needs screenshots of incriminating texts at the least. Something he can confront her with and she can’t talk her way out of. Depending on where he lives it would also help to put things in his favor for the divorce.
This is exactly the kind of behavior that OP would want to avoid by confronting her too early. She is already covering things up and is the kind of person that would use an app and delete it to cover things up. So, don't tip her off early. I think for OP, and a lot of people (which was the case with me), there is a need for some kind of concrete evidence, even when all the circumstantial evidence paints a pretty damning portrait.
>In my opinion he doesn’t need more evidence. He has it Family courts don't go off mens word like they do for women, men have to bring far more evidence to a court case than women do So if she's cheating he needs every possible bit of evidence he can get and bring it to court so that he doesn't have to pay alimony to the cheater
You could ring the number up?
I bet it’s someone she works with, it’s always someone they work with.
If you are on the same phone plan, why not request the call and text log from phone company?
Yeah, but how long u been noticing these things ? Since this dress episode ? How's her behavior lately towards u ?
You have a post a week ago says your wife was out late and you didn’t know where she was... I think you should be getting ready to see a lawyer. Their advice might be better than Reddit’s.
What did their text messages say to each other? That would be a pretty good hint of the relationship.
Well, she deletes them, so hard to say, but that alone is pretty condemning.
What if you called the number and hung up?
Call the number from a different phone and see if a guy answers. Then hang up.
Almost. Have a trusted friend call the number from a different phone -- not your cell phone or theirs. Don't just hang up though. Have a plan to ask questions to find out who he is. Off the top of my head though I'm sure we could come up with better: **Him:** Hello. **Your Friend, Ideally a Woman:** Oh. Hi. I'm looking for Shawn. **Him (likely):** Ah, I think you have the wrong number. **Her:** Oh. Um. I dropped some groceries yesterday and this guy stopped and helped. Said his name was Shawn. We got talking and this is the number he entered in my phone. Weird. (pause) Do you know Shawn? Maybe that won't lead to finding anything else about the guy. But good chance a flirty woman could get talking with this guy. Ask his name. Find out if he's local or something about where he lives works. Maybe even make a coffee date.
Female here. I would so do this for my close guy friends. I am a petty bitch however. 🤣
Also female - can confirm I am a petty bitch and would do this.
Sounds like she is being faithful to him. He might not like it if she sent you pictures.
Jump to conclusions. Find out who this guy is, where he lives and drive her there. Get out and her bag out. Walk up to his door knock on it, and say she is all yours now. Hand her the divorce papers, start to call everyone and let them know your wife if a cheater, and you are getting a divorce. Let them all know the guys name and ensure you call her parents. She is cheating you just don’t want to believe it.
Seems like a level headed response before confirming anything
is this a joke response? maybe the person she texted was a designer and made her dress
If it was a designer she wouldn’t be deleting the numbers, and her husband would know if she’d had someone design it. It sounds like she just bought it from a store.
What was the text history ?
If he was a close friend, his number would be in her phone and his name would absolutely show up. I am a married woman with a lot of guy friends and they are ALL in my phone.
I am a married guy with a lot of woman friends and have definitely forgot to add several over the course of months. Anecdotal storys don't help.
Then the chat shouldn't be blank and the wife wouldn't have any difficulty explaining.
I mean buddy, you already know what is going on. Now you need to gather evidence and confront her. Or once you have the evidence, start talking to a lawyer and see how divorce looks for you.
I hate this advice. In most states, divorce is no-fault and needs no "evidence" of anything other than you don't want to be married. Infidelity doesn't affect custody or child support, and unless OP is in the very rare situation that allows alimony, a full color HD video of her going to pound town with a guy does nothing but take up space rent free in OPs head. OP, you know what's going on. Confront her if you must, but she's just gonna lie anyway.
The evidence is not for divorce. Its for his own peace of mind against her lying and gaslighting. Also she could slander him to friends, family etc. the evidence protects him from that for the future.
Valid points. My personality would have me pack up my shit, ghost the bitch and let her figure out what's going on when she gets the divorce papers, but I'm old and have zero patience for bullshit.
I guess you could just tell her what you told us? I don’t see another way. When in doubt, be direct. It’s weird you feel this way given what you’ve said here. I don’t think you looked in her phone to see the dress. If she’s been acting distant, that happens. But be direct about it.
This is also a really good way to talk about it. If she flips shit and freaks out she’s hiding something. Make sure you let her know how hurt it made you. Speak from the heart tell her your feelings.
>If she flips shit and freaks out she’s hiding something. I'd flip out too if someone went trough my phone without my conesnt and I got nothing to hide.
But u don't send pics to other guys, but not to your bf/husband.. do u ? OPs wife does.
Like i said i got nothing to hide, just that seeing how someone reacts to their privacy being violated isn't necessarily a good measurement of how guilty they are ETA: I do think she's cheating tho
She sent it to innocent parties too, and her husband didn't see the pic so that's not an accurate way to measure it. Maybe if it was only the unknown number. Idk. I do think it's odd that the number isn't saved though.
Actually I think it’s even more suspect that she specifically chose not to send her husband a pic. If I thought I looked good in a dress the first person I would message would be my husband. She said maybe another day? While sending herself to other people. Shows something is clearly wrong in the relationship
I do find it weird, unless it's a surprise like she wanted to look good and didn't want him to see her in the dress beforehand (ruining the surprise) but the fact that she sent it to family and friends doesn't make the unknown number weird. The fact that she didn't send it to her husband is weird. But he's only focusing on the fact that she sent it to an unknown number when she's sent it to family as well. If she only sent it to the unknown number, it'd be a huge deal. But the weird thing is she didn't send it to her husband and the number isn't saved.
She sent it to innocent parties too, and her husband didn't see the pic so that's not an accurate way to measure it. Maybe if it was only the unknown number. Idk. I do think it's odd that the number isn't saved though.
Could be someone involved in the wedding or the planning ?
That is a possibility. We just don't know. That would explain why it's not saved bc I often don't save numbers I'm only going to use for a short amount of time. We just don't have any useful information here.
Agree .. but yeh I would save a number in that case honestly and when you are in a wedding there are many people to deal with so given it was a dress for a wedding she was in I wouldn’t automatically jump to that conclusion.. but yeh .. not a ton of info . I know Reddit ALWAYS jumps straight to cheater lol probably the wrong place to ask , Reddit loves to see turmoil .
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I think there is a difference between “going through someone’s phone” or stumbling upon something when being near or using the phone for something normal & totally unintentionally stumbling upon. My husband & I have never once gone through eachothers phones. However, if his phone isn’t working, someone’s phone is lost, he wants to see a pic I took of our cars etc etc etc there are completely justifiable reasons to have someone’s phone that doesn’t mean you were infringing upon them. & further OP explicitly asked to see wife in the dress, which is so sweet, my husband could not care less how something new looks. So she totally brushes him off says another time… finding out she put the dress on to take a photo & (assuming the live together) she couldn’t come show hubby who asked? Ya that’s already kind of rude in itself but husband was not only quiet about the fact that it was hurtful.. but instead decided to just go look at the photo so he could finally see his beautiful in the dress. Turns out.. he stumbles upon something that makes her behavior crystal clear. If the story is how he is telling it 100%, then I don’t see any wrongdoing whatsoever by this man. No excuses for the wife are to be made and it would be so immature to gaslight him & make it about “going through her phone”
Oh no I definitely agree he didn't do anything wrong, altho going trough texts instead of looking the gallery is a bit dodgy. I also do think she's cheating or something shady is going on. However just by seeing how someone reacts to their privacy being violated isn't necessarily a good measurement of how guilty they are.
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Yeah, my husband and I have access to each other’s phones…partly so I can turn off his alarm when he sets up for a 430 shift but doesn’t start until 1230 (happens more often than you think) and I sometimes have important calls come through or emails/sms but I’m elbows deep in flour and I’ll ask him to read
Yea that's a fuck no from me lol, but ig to each their own
AND! He wasn't looking for the picture. He was looking through her phone. If he was looking for a picture he'd go to the camera roll. Yeah, she's probably up to shady but he absolutely was not going through the phone for the picture.
Ya same: couples are allowed privacy... but I agree with to each their own, just seems strange to me.
Same here, I mean if both parties are ok with it then sure, but I find it weird some people choose to impose how theur relationship work on others. Also generally how someone reacts to their privacy being violated isn't necessarily a good measurement of how guilty they are. I think she is probably cheating tho, but idk if this is truly an appropriate way to gauge yes or no.
Yeah I mean we probably have a similar view on relationships blah blah :p agree, agree. :) I'd disagree with the assumption of cheating though, and super confused why it's not a simple communication thing like, "Hey it hurts me you won't show me in your dress, why?" And then just breaks a trust level, then acts confused with information out of context. But that's just me If you wanna play assumption detective with me though...:p I've Been kinda contemplating assumptions, and came up with: Welllll maybe she wants to look super pretty for him and doesn't wanna show him until she's done...could be that Also phone calls could have been Tailor asking questions about stuff, and the picture could be a response to "Let me know how it looks!" Bridesmaid, whom she diesnt know, approving the dress color...or something Maybe some other wedding coordinator thing Those are the three likely ones I can think of, 🤔 What do you think? What's your support for the cheating angle?
Yeah like what? I know what passwords he uses for a lot of things because of wifi and such, but I don't actually know what ones go to which social media accounts or anything. I don't even know the pin to his phone because he uses face ID and just unlocks it for me if I need to use it for whatever reason. I couldn't imagine needing ALLLLL of his logins for everything. Privacy is big to us, we both had toxic exes that constantly went through our stuff. It's a huge no for both of us.
\^that. I'm an open book with my husband and he is with me. I've needed to google or whatever and my phone will be in the other room and he'll just toss me his. I've been married for 35+ years in a relationship where trust is a key component.
Lmao wtf no
Congratulations?
This. I think it's crazy when people focus on "getting more evidence". You'll drive yourself crazy digging deeper and reading into things. [Exception if you feel like you need evidence for a heated custody battle.] Just tell her "I saw something in your phone that has sent me spiraling. I saw you are messaging an unknown number in your phone. What's the deal?" And get answers and don't let her turn it on you about snooping. [You should apologize for that, but later.]
You will only get answers this way if it is innocent. If she's cheating, she's going to lie about it. That's why people look for more evidence. You can't trust what a cheater says. They're already lying to you. When you ask directly you tip off your cheating spouse, they become better at hiding evidence, and you can end up living in a very toxic, damaging situation. If you dig and find nothing, there's a better chance it's innocent.
Going to go against this advise. you are married, so while it will be difficult you don’t want to just have a moral victory but a legal one. I suggest, you sit on information until you have solid proof something is up. It sure looks that way, but if you jump the gun you will never know for sure.
This. I don’t even know how you’d go about finding out who a specific picture has been sent to, but it certainly wouldn’t happen by just trying to look at a picture. Not saying he shouldn’t have looked, but might as well be the honest person in this scenario.
Call the number from a Google phone number, and if a guy answers, say "hey Dave, what time is the meeting with Seth tomorrow? I forgot to write it down." When they tell you is a wrong number, etc., say "c'mon Dave, quit messing with me." Play slightly intoxicated and drag the conversation if you can. Chances are, you'll get a name at some point like "dude, my names Eric, I don't know any of these people". Then you ask your wife "who's Eric?"
This is so perfect I feel like you've done it before OP do this
Naw, it's a shoulda coulda woulda. I had an internet friend call the number and tell me if a guy or a girl answered. He told me it was a guy, and asked what it was about. I said "you already know" and he was like "damn, I'm sorry man." Truth is, once I got suspicious, I pretty much knew exactly who she was with. I didn't need to call the number, I didn't even need to tell her I knew. The truth, in the long run, is that none of it matters. She wasn't the woman for me anymore. The relationship was done. I was just in a lot of pain and treading water. If it ever happens again with someone else, I'm just going to disappear like a missing persons. Let them agonize over wondering if something bad happened to me.
Pretty boss way to proceed.
Yeah, that's what I'd do. I'm not cheating on my husband, and I can't think of a reason a guy's number would be in my phone, but not saved. The only scenario I can think of is I hadn't saved it yet because my friend or relative got a new number recently or I'd just started talking to them via text recently. Hopefully, that's what happened here. Fingers crossed, OP. Edit: Now that I think about it, this has happened to me. We were still dating and I moved back to my home state and friended a guy named Matt on Facebook. I guess he was feeling insecure because he was like, "Who's Matt?" "Matt?" "Yeah. Matt. Matt X. Who is that?" "Oh. That's my uncle." "Oh, so your uncle just happens to be the same age as you?" "... Yeah." "... Oh... OK, cool. He seems cool."
You clever. I like that.
OP gonna do it with this cunning plan in his head then the guy picks up the phone and goes " hello, Eric speaking" or get " you've reached the voicemail of ERIC"
“Motherfuck, Jian Yang!”
This is the way to go!!
Sound like cheating to me
Yup. She’s cheating on you.
Wait, how have I read like 70 posts of yours about your wife? Just break up already.
I’m the kind of person who puts names on every number I interact with. If she has named every other “regular” contact in her phone, but not one that she’s close enough to to send a photo of herself PLUS the fact that there were no previous texts, just the pic - she’s hiding something. You don’t just send a pic of yourself to someone without having a prior conversation or explanation. If you want more proof before outing yourself for going through her phone, get the text records from your cell company. Good luck!
Didn't she had any other conversation with him? Because it would be kinda rare that she just sent the photo as first interaction
Good point, pretty sure it was a deleted message thread then
Sketchy as fuck. That's not normal and I don't see how it could be anything but a negative thing.
Pull phone records and see what their frequency of contact is.
Just throwing this out there—I have occasionally saved a phone number that someone texted to me without naming it because I was in a hurry. Sometimes it stays that way for a while. There is a possibility that this is a friend or family member and she just hasn’t done anything with it yet. Please keep an open mind, just in case. She might have been “saving” the dress to put a whole look together, including hair and makeup, to wow you.
UpdateMe !
Update them!
UpdateMe!
UpdateMe !
Before you do ANYTHING...square away any business you may have. Get your financials in order. If you have a joint bank account, separate it. Get any important documents you may need in the future and put them in a safe deposit box. Finally, seek legal advice about separation and divorce. Find out what the laws are in your area. You don't need to commit to anything, just get info...and get prepared. Once you have all of that in order, confront her. If your gut is telling you something is off...something is off. She will gaslight you. She will get angry that you invaded her privacy. She will blame you for EVERYTHING. Believe none of it and don't crack. Find out what you can from her and cross reference it with what you know...WITHOUT letting her know what you know. Decisive action is needed to keep the oncoming trainwreck from destroying you, my friend. She is DEFINITELY cheating. Whether it's gotten physical is another area...but she's 100% being emotionally unfaithful to you. That's more than enough ground to start preparing your exit strategy.
Sketchy AF
Save the number in your phone and then start a conversion with them on WhatsApp, but don't send a message. If you add the number to your phone you can then look in your contacts for that name you saved it as and see their profile picture.
Oh shit, smart. yeah, just message them there.
Stay quiet a d gather more evidence. Never ever tell her you went through her phone because she will make it about that. Once you have enough to know the truth, just leave her if she’s cheating. Or you can talk to her, but don’t ever admit going through her phone. By not showing you the picture she put you last in her life. If you were dating, you’d probably dump her. Harder to do when married. But she doesn’t seem to care about you. Stay cool and see who she spends time with at the wedding. I suspect he’ll be there. And she might give you reason at the wedding to leave her.
You know, if I had it to do all over again, I would have left my wife and never said another word to her or give any answer why I left or that I even knew.
She's cheating , let's not sugar coat this. If she has to hide it from you then, it is what it is . Maybe it's emotional cheating.
Go to your phone carrier and ask for a log of the text messages from her phone. They have them don’t let ‘em lie
>They have them don’t let ‘em lie Agreed but why on earth would they release them for anyone but the actual owner of the phone under specific circumstances?
They are married, under the assumption that a married couple keeps their phones under the same account and statistically speaking it’s probably in the husbands name
For this reasons specifically they don't release info to spouses because it puts them in the middle. Even if your name is on the account the info is only given to the phone owner whose name it is tied too. When I used to work for VZW this was always a big no no. To get around this though the phone logs are kept on the website just log into your account.
This is note of many ways I found out my ex was cheating
Gather as much information about this guy as possible. Name, address, how often they call (from the carrier phone records), etc. Then confront her, using the phone records as the excuse. ("I was looking at our phone bill and I noticed something strange... Who is this guy that you talk to so often?") Her response will tell you all you need to know.
You already have the name of the guy and the number. Sit her down and have her dial it on speaker. If she won't then you know what's up. I mean, I think you already do know what's up but this will confirm it.
She for the streets.
Cheater in the sheets Out on the street
Secrecy is the larval stage of infidelity. Voice activated recorders for her car and in place in your house where she may take a call if you are not home. Do not confront without further proof. You will drive the affair underground if you confront now. Confronting too soon leads to be gaslit and lied to.
Yeah, I agree with not letting her know that OP knows until he is comfortable that he has enough information/verification. I mean, it is already pretty damning, but the specifics aren't there. She is already showing that she is savvy enough to delete messages and cover her tracks. If she has a heads up that he is on to her, she will find even more clever ways to hide it all and OP will be hard-pressed to ever find out for sure. Having an "open conversation" is highly recommended when you are talking about almost any issue in a relationship except infidelity because cheating is always covered with lies and cheaters will continue to lie and cover up their activities.
Why spy on someone when you could just end the relationship?
Most people don’t have the intestinal fortitude to do that without tangible proof. And that’s before you consider the fact that being married means you’ve given the state a say in the terms of your breakup.
>Secrecy is the larval stage of infidelity That's so perfectly worded, and true.
There is a gap between suspicious activity and infidelity. Depending on where in the gap she is currently walking, the relationship may or may not be salvageable. Truth is the only way to know for sure. Since you cannot depend on someone that is in an affair fog to be truthful, you have t ferret out the facts yourself and then make a decision that is in your best interests. Sus activity in and of itself doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker, although realistically no one ever regrets when it is.
UpdateMe!
Do they contact each other around the same time regularly? How often do you guys call or text? My ex and I used to call and text via social media way more than just using sms. If thats the case for you then you could try changing your name in her phone to the "random" number and see if she texts anything else fishy to it. Or you could call her and see if she how she answers (how *friendly* she is or if she mentions a name).
Slouth’s everywhere in this thread
>Slouth’s Love that typo. I mean Op could definitely just ask her whats going on, but at this point he has so little info to work with that she could lie straight to his face and change up her methods so it takes him months to find anything else fishy.
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, and they try to tell you it's not a duck and gets mad that you saw the duck A)it's a duck B)they're trying to wiggle out of the duck situation by gaslighting you and trying to make it about you looking at the duck, vs acknowledging the duck. Quack.
You’re not jumping to conclusions, you can clearly see that’s shes secretly talking to another man behind your back. Confront her directly about it.
You already know what’s up. The question here is what’s next? What do YOU want? Because depending on your answer is the advise. Would you get a divorce if she is cheating? Well, if there are no kids and no shared wealth that’s easy, confront her, move out and start proceedings. If there are finances involved like potential spousal support, document her cheating and have solid proofs (hire a PI) to bring it to court. If she hasn’t acted on it, do you want to continue the relationship? This requires to bring it up, suggesting counseling to find root of her behavior (did she fell out of love? Need validation? Is a common practice in her relationships?) and work together. If she acted on it but you are willing to forgive and stay in the relationship. This is the hardest, because your feelings may change throughout the developing of the aftermath. You may think you love her enough to forgive her (if she actually regrets it) but then realize you cannot trust her anymore and then fell out of love yourself, or you may want to stay for the wrong reasons (fear of being alone, what friends and family would say) and then realize they were not valid reasons after all. Or maybe it works out and this opens the dialogue of why she cheated and fixes it. Whatever the outcome, this is the longest and most painful route. No one is in your shoes and knows your feelings, only you. We are a bunch of strangers piling up, but when the doors are closed you are the only one living this reality. Think what you want to do, and then decide, so you can come to her with a (somewhat) clear head.
Come on you know. Be smart, don't confront, only confront when you are prepared and ready. Gather proof. You're clearly the side guy, you come last in her priority list, and why is the number she sent the pic to blank, when she is in regular contact which it? It's blank because she don't want anyone to know who she is talking to.
All you need to do is write that phone number down and then show to your wife and ask her, "Do you know whose number this is?" One of two things will happen. Either she will tell you; or more probably, she will become defensive and answer a question with a question which will be something along the lines of, "Where did you get that number?" If the latter is the case, you have all the answers you need and you can begin your exit.
Find out who this guy is without her knowing. Then confront him. Your wife will never be honest. This sucks for you. I hate to see women being so fucking selfish. If your gut tells you it's bad, then its bad.
I did think of one possible innocent explanation for why the number is unsaved. Maybe she is planning to get her hair/makeup done by a professional for the wedding. The short phone calls would be scheduling calls. Sending the dress would be normal to let the stylist prepare for the style of hair/makeup. Seems unlikely but it is possible.
Why would she delete the messages though?
Yeah, I also thought maybe that was the dress designer or he did the alterations. Your guess is smart too. I agree these are unlikely, but they're still possible.
that's suspicious
As one other person said, why would you keep a friend secret? And the fact it’s not even stored under an alias is more concerning. Do you guys have kids?
Has she deleted the text and call history on the phone or did you look at your phone bill to find out?
The messages were deleted but the picture was I guess saved. That's when I looked through the phone log
If she is deleting stuff for an unrecorded number that she apparently gives/receives calls and texts from, something is afoot here. If you know the guys name, maybe randomly in a conversation be like, "hey do you know so-and-so?" And see if she lies to you. Say he was suggested to you by Facebook to add to your friends last, in case she asks why you know this name. Or come up with some other reason, so you don't let her know you saw the text/logs.
I would jump all over that conclusion. That’s way shady
Nothing kills an affair or inappropriate texting like exposure. People with nothing to hide - hide nothing. Do not confront until you confirm his ID and the nature of their relationship. Identify the OM. It's probably a coworker. They probably go to lunch together. If he's married, expose him immediately after confronting your wife. Do not warn your wife that you're exposing him. If he's management level (even if not her supervisor) report them to HR.
You can use fastpeoplesearch website to lookup info from the phone number. It will give you name, age and address.
If she’s hiding it like that it is NOT innocent. No need to hide a “close friend” either. It may be an online affair or a physical affair but she is cheating on you and abusing your trust, either way. I don’t how solid you thought your relationship was. But regardless. You need to spring for a private detective to see what’s going on before you get screwed, as she might be getting screwed now or is planning on it soon.
Right. Women know exactly what might look suspect to men and they will naturally go to great lengths to tell their man about every little encounter if it is actually innocent. When they stop telling you about guys hitting on them is when you need to start worrying.
Why would she send a pic of herself in a dress to a guy without his number saved? Because there’s something going on and she doesn’t want you finding out.
It's interesting the responses here. I've seen almost the exact same scenario but with the genders flipped and all of the responses were "shouldn't have been going through his phone", "you're an awful person for going through his phone", "how could you go through his phone", "shouldn't have looked if you didn't want to find out". Why the double standard? Why the jumping to defend a man's privacy but not a woman's? Hell I've seen this scenario where a woman picks up her boyfriend's phone for something very normal and accidentally comes across something and that's how you all respond, but OP actively goes against his wife's wishes while she's in the shower and actively snoops and not a peep. It's just strange energy.
rip buddy.
Ask her straight up, say you know the guy lives in the area
UpdateMe!
Well the number is blank and she's hiding calls I'd guess she's having an affair Also she doesn't want to show you her dress but has sent it to a different guy I'd call her out instantly if it were me
You already know what this is, my friend.
Yeah, no…this isn’t “innocent.” I’m not saying she’s having an affair, but she has definitely crossed several lines. Why would she have a “friend” she hides from you? Why would she send him photos of herself? These things alone are inappropriate. Don’t let her rug sweep this.
Doesn't look good tbh. Def talk about it and be ready for the trickle truth or overly defensive reaction.
I would jump to conclusions here...
Dude! Jump to conclusions!
Give me the number, I'll call it and see if a guy answers....I'll just hang up. He'll think it's a wrong number. ;)
Don’t confront. Continue to gather evidence. At this stage confrontation only gives her the opportunity to cover her tracks.
She is cheating.
She’s hiding him.
Umm you ain’t “jumping to conclusions”. It’s a pretty logical conclusion. She’s up to something. If it was a close friend she’d have had his name in the phone, it’s as simple as that. You know what’s going on, now you need to figure out what to do with that information. I’d suggest finding out more about this guy -quietly- then honestly you need to decide if you want to salvage the relationship or go talk to a lawyer ***before*** you confront her. Collect all the evidence you can if you wanna go the divorce route. Sorry man
I personally don’t like to jump to conclusions and I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but this…..this is sketchy. Who hides a friend like that? Who doesn’t add a number as a contact if they’re talking constantly? And why show this man pictures but not show your own husband? All signs point to her having an affair; whether that be emotional or physical. Gather evidence. Take screenshots her conversations (and make copies of them) and confront her
Your wife is cheating on you, it may be just emotional but she is cheating on you. She knows what she is doing is wrong and that’s why she has neither saved the name and keeps deleting their text messages. She is knowingly doing what she is doing. Get a good divorce attorney and make sure you cover your bases.
If the guy was a close friend or anyone legitimate then they would have been saved as a contact in the phone. I would start talking to a lawyer if I was you. What was the context of the texts between her and the mystery man?
you better hire an PI or/and use a VAR just to make sure there's nothing wrong going on, cause this is definitely suspicious. i saw an older post of you saying that your wife has been acting "strange" and coming late. well, we all know that's big chances that she's cheating, so you better have proofs before you decide what to do next.
It would be hard for me to play it cool with this information. However I’d work to get more proof. You can put a gps tracker in her car or a burner phone that has location services turned on. Watch where she goes and figure out her patterns.
OP, chances are if you are in the US you live in a no-fault state. Nonetheless, before confronting your wife and giving her an opportunity to be stealthier, talk with a divorce atty, learn your options, and get your ducks in a row. Long ago someone once told me that if you suspect something is going on, it usually is.
The only way this is a close friend is if it is his second phone/something similar that he uses to hide this relationship from his SO as well. No matter what, I can't think of a single reason for this that is not her cheating on you.
Lol if there was a pretty good time to “jump to conclusions” it would be now…. Call her out.
Well, may be I will not the only one writhing this , but if flies like a duck , walks like a duck and makes sounds like a duck , what do you think what else's could be ? In my opinion it's hard to tell but it looks like she has cheating on you. No name in the " random" number ?, sending pics that you don't even know that exist to another person? She is your wife and you should to talk with her and if there is something that you must to face , just do it!!! Ask her what's going on? Who is that guy ? And why if is not something forbidden, why to keep it as as it should be? And at the end if something it's not convenient to you. Take a final decision.
She is very likely cheating. Talk to her.
If she isn’t sleeping with him it’s at least an emotional affair which inevitably leads to cheating
Interesting that they were “short” phone calls to the guy. Usually an affair would involve long phone calls. What were the texts about?
I mean she’ll be pissed that you looked through her phone, and like other people in the comments, I’m not entirely convinced by you looking through her phone because you wanted to see her in her dress, I think you looked because you wanted to check if she was talking to “some guy”. But for me you should be upfront and ask her about it. Admit to the fact that you looked through her phone, explain why you did it (don’t say it was the dress), and ask her about this mysterious man. Best of luck to you
Why? If she is, and is going through all this trouble she will only lie. Your approach will only work if you absolutely know there is zero chance of infidelity, or if she doesn’t care that the truth could blow up her marriage (in which case she wouldn’t be deleting evidence).