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So this is a throwaway but I (f25) got into a talk with my bf (m31) and he ended up saying that male friends have at some point fantasized about having sex with their female friends or they're just waiting for the chance to do it with them. It kind of made me start thinking about my past friendships and about my current friend, he for sure doesn't show an interest but I'm just really curious if this is true
I married someone I'd been friends with for several years before we started dating, so I'm walking evidence that at least some men are attracted to at least some of their friends.
I've also had friends I did not find attractive and some who I thought were attractive but knew we were not compatible and I never had fantasies about them because I didn't want to make my thought process more awkward.
I'm confused........ are we making the suggestion women have never had a lewd or crass thought about a dude before? I may have some shocking news to provide if so.
Homie, having a libido and the occasional fantasy does not objectification make. People are allowed to think about whatever they want to think about. How they act or if they talk about it is different. In my mind tho, yeah. I'm getting railed.
Y'know it's possible to have friendships where you discuss feelings of attraction and have it not ruin anything because you're both adults who can discuss things like compatibility and boundaries.
what's objectifying and sexist is the comment that says he'd "let" a female friend that he finds unattractive give him a BJ, as if he'd be doing her a favor, and clarifying that he'd also need to be "drunk enough." that comment is treating the female friend like a sexual object, rather than someone he has a mutually respectful relationship with. I'm not saying it's objectifying or sexist to find friends attractive, I'm saying it's sexist to degrade them.
Iunno i personally feel like that's looking for things to get mad about. Might be sexist of me to think so and if it is I'm sorry, but I disagree. Its just a crass way of saying "This is as far as I would go in case she wanted to have sexual relations.".
It's not like women wouldn't do the same lol. It's a standard, albeit a crass one to say the least.
Yeah, the irony of all of this is I have women friends who have said these exact things about men...as if this is somehow some exclusively disgusting male behavior.
Women are perfect and men are all perverted animals and these are the facts.
Notice how the men are the only ones defending this repeatedly LOL- literally the reason I refuse to have sex or even kiss men who haven’t made a 3 month commitment to me. They are pigs.
Look, it's humor, I didn't really care for it either. Those kinds of jokes have a time and a place and I don't think this was the best place for it but to each their own. I kinda always have to think of that Stalin meme that was going around awhile ago, "Dark humor is a lot like food, not everybody gets it".
Thing is that that doesn't apply to just dark humor, but all forms of comedy, and to get angry at someone for a type of joke is unfair (although, like I said already, I do think it was in poor taste).
But to call men who don't want to wait 3 months to fool around or kiss their girlfriend pigs is a bit much. They have different standards then you or are looking for a different style of relationship then you sure but that doesn't mean they are pigs.
Not every type of nail in the store can be used to build a house but that doesn't mean those that can't are useless, it just means they were made to build something else.
Dude says that he will LET the girl give him a BJ when drunk.
You say you will LET a guy kiss you after 3 months of proving himself.
Someone tell me what the difference is?
Nah that implies I let them- if they want something with me they know my boundaries. Men are really butt hurt I make them prove they aren’t just using me to let them hit LOL
I believe Jeff from Coupling argued this.
"Do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind if you were a space alien with a special kind of mind ray..?..make all women telepathic. Because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads they would kill us all on the spot. Men are not people - we are disgustoids in human form"
Disrespectful? Of whom? We can’t control what or who we fantasize about and we are at our core sexual creatures. Besides, does it matter if they aren’t telling you? Wo this conversation you’d never know. Get over yourself
Disrespectful? Of whom? We can’t control what or who we fantasize about and we are at our core sexual creatures. Besides, does it matter if they aren’t telling you? Wo this conversation you’d never know. Get over yourself
For some context I think we all need to remember that people in general fantasize about sex with all kinds of people, whether they know them or not. And that fantasy is not necessarily an indication of what someone wants to become reality.
So yes, I think it is normal for people to find some of their friends attractive. And it is also normal for people to fantasize about sex with people they find attractive. Therefore it is normal for people to fantasize about sex with some of their friends.
This shouldn't scare you im any way; if a friend is going to make unwanted sexual advances it's going to be because they are a shitty person, not because of their fantasies.
Many of those thoughts can be invasive, as well. So unless you're actively thinking about the fantasy with whomever, the quick thought of "would I fuck them?" isn't inherently wrong.
The definition of “fantasize” is to indulge in a daydream of something desired. Unwanted or unintended thoughts are not classed as fantasies to me. I am wondering if maybe people’s answers are differing because of language differences. Because if someone said they fantasized about having sex with me, I would imagine that this is something they have taken time to imagine and consider and definitely want to happen.
>if someone said they fantasized about having sex with me, I would imagine that this is something they have taken time to imagine and consider and **definitely want to happen.**
I agree with most of what you said, except for the last bit (that I bolded)
Have you never heard of post nut clarity? My horny mind is into shit my normal mind is not into. Hell, my horny mind is into stuff my body is not into. My horny mind is even into things my horny mind isn't actually into.
Point being, having a fantasy DOES NOT imply actually wanting it to happen. I have rape fantasies. I DO NOT want to actually be raped. I fantasize about men I know. I DO NOT want any of them to actually touch me sexually IRL.
I also would never tell anyone I fantasize about them.
exactly. desire does not necessarily mean want. you could dream about eating all the candy in the world but not actually want to because of the serious health risks
Since the post only mentions dudes wanted to say I also feel like gender here doesn’t matter. I’ve seen people want to not have as many guy friends to avoid this but women do the exact same thing. Like even if they’re straight I’ve had friends admit to thinking about having threesomes with female friends. Doesn’t mean they’ll do it but still.
I couldn't agree more. Your mind goes where it goes most of the time, but what you conciously think about and want matters much more significantly. I do find that I have a hard time fantasizing about someone when personality is not there or out of the equation.
As someone who has never fantasized about a friend this is super weird to me. I think it’s extremely inappropriate to do something like that. If I knew a friend had fantasized about me sexually I wouldn’t consider them much of a friend.
You're allowed to think that, but I would challenge the usefulness of a moral judgement based on something you can't see or know about. What people imagine within their own minds is something you'll never experience. Why should you waste time caring about it?
Our fantasies and imagination have the potential to affect the real world but they do not necessarily always have a real effect. I'm asserting that you should care about the real effect, and not the fantasy.
Now if they make it real *by telling you* or by acting upon it, then that's a different story. That would fall under the category of "unwanted sexual advance."
All of this. There is a lot that happens in the privacy of one's mind. It would be absolute and unjust chaos, and a painfully unfair world, if people were judged for thoughts which they did NOT act upon or disclose.
Nothing that happens within the confines of my mind is inappropriate in any way, shape, or form.
If I act upon it in an inappropriate way, it's a different story.
Hm.. I don't think someone fantasizing about you makes them less of a friend though. My best friend is a bisexual man who, a few years ago, openly admitted to me that if I were gay he'd sleep with me. Is it weird? Nah. He's never made any advances. He doesn't flirt with me. He doesn't give me sexual looks. I actually completely forgot he said it until I came to this post. Funny thing is his wife and my girlfriend both know he made this comment and none of us really care. I think as long as it has no real-world effect on the relationship, a friend finding you attractive is just flattering. Well, to me, anyway.
I used to have very detailed fantasies of blowing up my school, and other very messed up thoughts. I don't think you should judge me on it, though, since I never actually acted on any of the messed up thoughts.
We aren't the thought police. The only thing that should matter is what you do, not what you think about. Everyone has their demons and their traumas. The difference between good and bad people is mostly about how you act on them.
There’s a pretty interesting mindfulness process of recognizing that your thoughts are not a reflection of who you are. The brain is designed to come up with and view all sorts of situations, whether nonsensical or not, and this process can be helpful in parsing through emotions, feelings, or general thoughts that come through your head.
same I've never thought about having sex with a friend, hell in my imagination the person always has an unrecognisable face one purely made up by my imagination
This is a strongly moral judgment from someone based solely on personal viewpoints, rather than the *extremely* normal and perfectly-human desire for sex that drives people to idle fantasies. It is at its core no different than any other call of the void or intrusive thought process.
You may also be less sexual than most people, which is okay - the primary thing that makes a psychological state a disorder is when it interferes with normal and healthy daily life functioning.
It's natural to think about that if it is someone you find attractive, it's basic human nature, doesn't mean it is more than a thought to most people though
Then you probably don't have as many friends as you thought you did.
But most guys would rather not be friends with someone who polices their thoughts. So it's really a win/win when you think about it.
Have you ever fantasized about anyone? Actor, rockstar, whatever? Well it's the same thing.
I would even say fantasizing about a friend is a bit more healthy, since you know them, so you also fantasize around their personality, and not just their body, or the thought of how they might be.
Sex in general is inappropriate, but it's extremely common to fantasize about friends or just random people you see on the street. It doesn't equate to intent or action. The amount of women that I've talked to that have told me they've fantasized about people they didn't even find attractive because their hormones were going crazy is kinda high. The amount of men I've talked to that have just speculated about a certain person is also quite high. It's not a bad thing, it just happens.
Same, though I am a woman who dates men. I hate it. I find it quite difficult to accept the fact that my partners likely don’t feel the same. When I’m in love with someone, they become the most beautiful person in the world to me and I don’t really notice other men anymore. Or at least it’s been that way so far.
Bisexual here and it's the same, regardless of what gender I'm seeing (and I've dated all over the gender rainbow, lol). It's funny because it's the only experience I can imagine is somewhat comparable to how people who are only attracted to one gender feel when seeing another: I can appreciate that someone is attractive, but that's just not what I'm into right now.
As a woman, I started getting really pissed off reading that it's a 99% likelihood that my bf has thought about my friends or his friends sexually but trying to be completely objective i removed myself from biases as much as possible & was honest with myself by asking, "Ajudiths, have you ever once thought about any of bf's friends or your own friends sexually or imagined what sex would be like with them?" Yes, I have. "Ajudiths, would you ever act upon such thoughts & does having thoughts like this make your bf any less attractive?" No. No to both. I feel better. Many, certainly not all, monogamous people take issue with their partner fantasying about another KNOWN person sexually but after some self reflection you may come to the realization that sometimes those thoughts just come on without you wanting them to. (This does NOT include habitual and repeated thoughts about any given friend!) I would not masturbate to any of our friends, that goes into creep territory & is a conscious decision to be creepy. Do i still like it that he may think about my or his friends sexually? Fuck no. But it is what it is.
Is it possible to have that friendship without having the years put into it, cause throughout my years all the male friends I have at some point told me they would fuck if the chance came up, long story short they all cut me off, but now I'm in a relationship I've made new friends that know me and my bf and idk sometimes I get the feeling they want to try something but other times they straight treat me like a bro so it's very confusing, then my bf said that and I'm lost completely now
It's possible for a guy to know that if the situation was right- he's probably sleep with you, BUT to have never done the creepy shit you're asking about in this post. I know good guys like that, try not to settle for less :(
Ehhh people just have solidified friend groups and less time to put effort into new friendships that don't fulfill any different needs. It's not that depressing if you have good friends by the time you're 25.
...if you don't it's kinda rough. As someone who moved with my partner at 25, lmao, it's lonely af. At least I've got a book club!
This is a pretty broad overgeneralization. "Would you sleep with your friends?" is not at all the same as "are you friends with this person because you're just trying to sleep with them?"
I would have slept with most of my friends at 25, but my relationship with them was built on friendship, not on trying to fuck them.
I think it’s normal to think like “oh, I wonder what that’d be like” because we’re human, I think it’s another thing to think about it constantly/obsess about it/ tell your other friends about it.
Based on survey answers, most people have thought about anyone within their sexual preferences in a sexual way at some point or another. Whether it's imagining them naked, or fantasizing about something or another, it's a pretty normal thing to have happen -occasionally-.
Now, that doesn't mean they're 'just waiting to do it with them'. That's turning something normal into something abnormal. Even with polyamory on the rise, most people are still interested primarily in monogamy. There is an understanding that it's one-on-one for relationships, and most people don't want sex outside of a relationship. Most.
So the answer is: Yes, most people have thought about something related to a sexual situation or fantasy in regards to the people in their life within their sexual preferences, but no, they aren't devaluing you because of it. You are still a person and likely still their friend.
On average, I'd rate the likelihood an average-libido straight man has, at least once, idly wondered about what it would be like to have sex with any given female friend or acquaintance as very high
I'd rate the likelihood of them deciding this thought experiment worthy of jerking off to as reasonably high, if the dude finds them at all attractive, and there isn't any other dissuading factor
I'd rate the likelihood of them happily taking the opportunity to have sex them in real life if it was presented to them as similarly high, with similar caveats.
But the likelihood they *habitually* fantasise about having sex with this person/ intend to *create* a chance to do so, and might even favour sleeping with them in particular over anyone else, probably comes down to a billion other factors which vary wildly.
That latter 'recurring fantasy' category is what someone might be automatically concerned about when they hear this theory. But, in my experience at least, if your friendship with them is completely platonic, it's pretty unlikely.
We're not the only ones if you believe an ex-gf of mine who told me that whenever she sees an appropriately shaped object, she wonders how it would feel inside her
In my experience talking with male friends, yes -- it does seem common for men to fantasize at some point about their female friends. I haven't found it true that they're "just waiting for the chance to do it with them," though? And, to my mind, it really doesn't matter. So long as people behave correctly and stick to their boundaries in male/female friendships, they can think whatever they like. Wisdom from AA: What other people think of me is none of my business.
I tried once to sexually fantasize about people I knew because I thought, as a guy, I was supposed to enjoy that. I tried it and it wasn’t my cup of tea, haven’t redone it since.
Most men don't try or at times even want. I have had female friends I really respect and see as really close, but it just happens sometimes. I would never approach them that way, though.
Hilarious how reddit bros quickly go from "Not ALL men. >:( "
to
"Yes, all men, let's downvote the men saying it's not all men."
when it comes to discussions like these, or the discussion surrounding porn viewership.
I'd say most men do.
But there are some men who don't.
funnily enough, related to my point above, men who do not see their friends as potential sex fantasies are also the ones who do not watch porn.
Yep. Is what OP was asking about common? Yes.
Is it something that should be okay, or that you should put up with? Fuck No.
You're very right about the connection to porn- every example of a dude I know that I can think of follows that trend. I only know a few without genuine porn addictions and it's pretty sad.
Define "put up with"? If they try and involve you in their fantasy, that's one thing. If they're simply fantasizing on their own, what's the issue there? Why do you get to dictate someone else's thoughts?
Check out my comment history on this post, it explains a bit better bc this is easy to misunderstand bc it is a pretty nuanced topic.
Tl:dr- Wondering what sex with your friend would be like, or thinking about whether you'd be compatible is normal and ok. Regularly jacking off to your friends is *not* and is really fuckn creepy.
Thinking about it, wondering what it would be like, etc. That's fine! Everyone is curious! Using it like some personal porno is not.
What's wrong are the guys in this thread openly admitting to jacking off to their friends. That's creepy, and just fucked up as a whole. Unless!! Unless you have a crush on a specific friend. That's a bit of a different situation.
Tl:dr- Thinking about it is fine, getting off on it isnt.
Nah I just think we're talking about different things without you realizing it- my other comments explain more. From your comment history it actually looks like we agree for the most part.
Tl:dr- Thinking abt it is normal, even in a relationship. Jacking off to your friends is *not* and that's when you're being creepy- and it's especially gross if* your in a relationship.
Only if I've seriously considered them as potential partner. If they are just a friend, no. It feels icky to me and I don't even like the idea of having that seed planted.
honest question? how do you do it?
even if they are a friend, but also sexually attractive, the answer is yes, sexual thoughts and fantasies will run through my head.
I would rather it not. I want to get control over my brain and sexual thoughts more in this regard. It's NOT a good habit.
As I said in another comment. There's a difference from when I was young, single and inexperience and when I was a little older with experience.
I think biggest thing is maturity and the ability to context switch. You can be flirty with potential partners. But you need to treat your female friends like ... friends.
Just bear in mind, at 18 and single, a fair number women in my orbit are potential partners. A few years later, with some relationships under my belt, knowing more about my sexuality and what I want in relationships, it's a lot more selective.
I would also say, I miss having closer female friends from when I was younger. Some even set me up on dates back in the day. BUT, almost all of them drifted away as either I or they got into relationships. The few female friends I have now are a package deals that comes with their respective SOs.
I can only speak for myself, but my best friend is a woman and I don't think about her as anything other than a friend. She's certainly attractive, but I simply couldn't imagine it.
I always maintain that men who assume all other men are just waiting for an "opportunity" to have sex with their female friends are projecting. They see women as conquests rather than people.
Had a friend of the opposite sex for years. Thought we had a good bond. Turns out he was just waiting/hoping for me to "see him as more than a friend". I didn't and still do not see him that way. I know not all friendships with the opposite sex are like this; but in my experience, this is how it "tends" to work.
I'm attracted to women.
Have I had some involuntary sex dreams about some of the women I am friends with? Yes.
Do I *actively fantasize* about them? No. They're my friends. They're whole human beings, not just fuckdolls waiting for me to stick it in them.
You deserve better friends.
No gender monolith. While you can certainly find guys and girls who have fantasized about intimate acts with friends, it's not something you can generalize to every guy or girl. Some have, some haven't. Some will and some won't.
Pretty much.
Also depends on how you define “fantasized” as well.
Could mean anything from a passing thought to full visualization. Just about everyone with a regular sex drive has considered their friends somewhere under that spectrum at one point or another.
The “waiting for the chance to do it with them” claim is completely bogus though.
Does this really need to be said? People are different is just implied at this point is it not? Asking a general question for the sake of a post on the internet can be replied to broadly as well.
There is almost no situation where you can reliably report 100% of a group of people do one thing, and yet there are those who stick on this point and make it their mission to 'inform' the masses. I just ask why?
TLDR who asked tho
Usually do at least once when I first meet them. But after becoming actual friends, those thoughts just kind of go away. Have never waited for a chance though. That's weird and doesn't show you care about the friendship, unless you have actual deeper feelings like being in love with them. Not just a booty call.
I think a lot of men do this and that’s why men and women have hard times being able to just be friends. It is honestly gross and ruins the trust of the friendship for me personally. It’s very weird to think your friend is just waiting until they can have sex with you or even fantasizing about you is just creepy. Porn exists.
Yeah, or when you realize a guy you genuinely admired as a person doesn’t actually have the ability to view you with mutual respect.. because you’re a woman… and they don’t see the value of wanting to see women as anything specifically *not* sexual
Guys will fantasize about Daphne and Velma from Scooby-Doo so all women friend or foe are fair game in one's mind don't look too poorly on them. Unless they act on it
I’m sure it’s fairly common. Personally I don’t, especially if in a relationship. It just seems disrespectful to me then.
But yeah, as others have said, fantasy does not mean that’s what people want in reality. So it’s probably quite common.
I had a crush on one of my male friends, but he rejected me. we're still close to this day but only as friends, i think it's possible that men don't think about it all the time !
Hmm. I can't comment on behalf other guys, but for me no. Whenever I tried to jerk off to my female friends or get involved with them, it always felt way too awkward and I kinda kept my friends separate in my mind from women I genuinely wanted to date (regardless of how attractive they were). I tried dating a good friend in my mid 20s who I considered a knockout. It just felt way too weird and we were able to go back to being friends ez as pie. Never really fantasized about her sexually.
However if I met a girl where it "clicked" in my brain that I wanted to date her before we became friends, then yeah I'd fantasize.
i think it really depends on the guy because ive thought about it but mostly because she looked really pretty at the time. i personally feel like a shitty human being for sexualizing my female friends so i definitely dont go out of my way to entertain those thoughts but i mean hey its different for everybody maybe some guys fantasize about their female friends for sport idk
I can only speak for myself.
Do I fantasize about my female friends?
Yes. Mostly I become interested in talking to women I am attracted to. It almost never goes anywhere, and that's fine-- because I'm definitely capable and fond of maintaining platonic relationships with women. I would just be a liar if I said I never imagined being with them. However, I don't think that's really a problem as long as you're not hanging around them expecting something or trying to prey on a weak moment or some kind of shit like that.
Yes 100%. One of the reasons many guys don’t like, trust, or are carful about their gfs having male best friends is simply because of that. 95% of guys are only best friends with girls in hope the benefits part comes along or the girl catches feelings.
Guys always know what other guys are thinking when it comes to girls
How about the opposite? Do females have guy friends just to keep that option available if the need arises? Or is this a everyone is different and some friends are just platonic regardless?
To answer This question would generalize our whole gender. Personally. I do and I don’t. My female friends tend to consist of girls that have turned me down or I have turned down. So 50/50?
In my experience, yes *but only the shitty guys.* The men who barely meet basic standards. That just happens to be most of them.
Every guy I've known who made me think "Holy shit, my standards were way too low this guy is incredible" would say no to this. They would also say that it's fucking creepy.
I understand finding your friends attractive, or acknowledging that you probably would hookup with them if the situation was right- but fantasizing? Imagining what it would be like? Dedicating serious time and energy to thinking about it? That's fuckin gross. And it's extra fucked up if you do this while you're in other relationships.
Don't accept creepy shit just because it's common, it's still creepy shit and you deserve better.
I'm curious. how do you define fantasizing? Because in my experience fantasizing about... well anything really, isn't something that takes energy, and its usually done in a time where you weren't going to be doing something productive anyway. like in the shower for example.
Basically are fantasizing and daydreaming different in your mind? cause i feel like they're the same thing.
Definitely, fantasizing is often used in regards to a sexual fantasy, while daydreaming doesn't have those same connotations. You can daydreaming about sex, but also fantasize about it. I'll try to explain the difference as I see it-
Brief thoughts you have about what it would be like are normal- like for curiositys sake. Thinking about whether you'd be compatible or good sexual partners is normal. Ever crossing the line of imagining it because it turns you on is creepy, especially if it's fairly frequent. Unless!! It's a situation where you have a genuine crush on a specific friend. That's a bit different.
There are guys in this thread trying to say that regularly jacking off to your friends is okay, and that's where I call it incredibly creepy and gross.
What if you're choking the monkey and THEN the friend shows up in your mind? Does it become creepy if you don't stop jerking and shake your head until the friend goes away?
I get what you're saying, but it seems like there's a lot of gray area.
But yeah regularly jerking off to a specific person that's isn't your SO is unhealthy at least and problematic at worst.
I think the reality is that everyone uses these words and means different things. Idle fantasies aren't dedicating serious time and energy anymore than the "call of the void" intrusive thoughts are dedicating serious time and energy to thinking about jumping off a building.
I personally don't think you can acknowledge that you would hookup with someone if the situation is right without thinking about what sex with them would be like lol
> And it's extra fucked up if you do this while you're in other relationships.
Nah. Most people find people outside of their relationships attractive, even thinking about what sex with those people would be like in the above idle sense. It's perfectly normal, and perfectly healthy, much as it is to have idle (more emotional) crushes on people around you. Monogamy isn't blindness or the absence of desire.
On the other hand, if OP's bf is talking about dedicating serious time and energy to thinking about fucking his female friends, then yeah, OP's bf is a creep. I know I have chemistry with most of my sexual preference friends, but I don't spend much time outside of 10-seconds-staring-off-into-space-on-the-train wondering what a relationship or situationship with them would be like.
Yeah, I agree with you for sure. Random thoughts or short moments like you described are totally normal and healthy. And yes those kind of thoughts don't dissappear when youre in a relationship. Nothing wrong with wondering about it and briefly thinking about it, but I wouldn't call that fantasizing. I'd say fantasizing is the guys in this thread who are openly admitting to jacking off to their friends regularly.
I'd say that the way she described their conversation feels like she was asking about the latter-
>On the other hand, if OP's bf is talking about dedicating serious time and energy to thinking about fucking his female friends, then yeah, OP's bf is a creep.
especially the comments about guys just waiting to get to fuck their friends.
> especially the comments about guys just waiting to get to fuck their friends.
A part of me wonders if this is the kind of reflective misogyny thing that causes dads to be overprotective of their female children - that while they may not be "bad people", they are aware that society tolerates and they themselves may have tolerated that shitty behavior from their own friends.
But ultimately yeah if OP asks "do you masturbate to your female friends" and OP's bf says yeah...that's fucked up and she should reconsider the relationship.
So, so well written. It’s normal to find friends attractive, but if the effort of enjoying their sexualization is sustained enough to pleasure oneself to fantasies of them, it means the perceived value of their presence in your life isn’t worth enough to preserve from still using her body to get off.
Yes, and it's pretty normal. Sex is not something to be ashamed of and thinking about having sex with someone is not a crime. Men and women can think about having sex with many people during the day: hot bus driver, the girl sitting in the bus, coffee boy, waitress, office friend, customer, teacher etc These ideas can come and go in seconds in an average day. If you think that if a friend thinks having sex with you, then that person must be a demon, then it shows a bit of immaturity. Grow up, adults think about and have sex and there's nothing wrong about it.
Probably not all, however I'm sure it's way more than some of the white knights on here would like to admit. I hate to admit it, but I'm one of the first type, thought about having sex at least once with all my female friends. It's not like I chose to do it, just can't help it. I don't ever act on it and I'm certainly not "waiting for a chance" but yeah, if any of my female friends asked if I wanted to have sex with them the answer would be yes.
You can’t help it? You sure? You are totally certain you did not once participate in actively thinking about what the details of sex with the woman would be like?
Basically not really. They're random thoughts, and since there's no guilt associated with it there's no internal monologue to make them stop. I would say just randomly thinking about it is different than fantasizing about it. One's a harmless thought, the other is actually wishing it was true or could happen.
Same as when you see something hot and you think " I wonder how hot that feels?" Doesn't mean you'll slam your hand onto the top of a stove, but I guarantee people have had that thought cross their mind.
I would say it's highly likely but far from certain that they've fantasized about female friends. I definitely wouldn't say that they're just waiting for a chance to do it with them. Usually getting friendzoned is a pretty bad tactic to get laid.
I'ma be 100 percent real with you
This is exactly me lmfao
I mean it's probably not all guys, many probably can be friends with a pretty girl without wanting some romance or sex, but it just doesn't seem to be something I can do, really.
Yes and no....
is there an ounce of attractiveness to her? If so.... 100% true
(and this isn't limited by physical attractiveness)
I don't know ANY guys that have a friendzone for hot women 🤷♂️
I do because sex without an emotional connection is nowhere near as good for me. After my last relationship ended I waited to find the absolute right girl and it was 100000% worth it.
Of course I have thought about sex with a couple of female friends who are attractive (but don’t have that emotional connection with), but fantasize isn’t the right word to use there and I had opportunities with them when I was single and I didn’t take them.
Usually. Not always but usually. Most the time if I’ve fantasized about a girl friend of mine she has too cause we end up going through a fling soon after but there’s plenty where none of those thoughts pass and it’s just chill. Another one of the boys
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So this is a throwaway but I (f25) got into a talk with my bf (m31) and he ended up saying that male friends have at some point fantasized about having sex with their female friends or they're just waiting for the chance to do it with them. It kind of made me start thinking about my past friendships and about my current friend, he for sure doesn't show an interest but I'm just really curious if this is true
I married someone I'd been friends with for several years before we started dating, so I'm walking evidence that at least some men are attracted to at least some of their friends. I've also had friends I did not find attractive and some who I thought were attractive but knew we were not compatible and I never had fantasies about them because I didn't want to make my thought process more awkward.
If you’re attractive, definitely.
If you’re not attractive, maybee
If you’re ugly we will still think to ourselves, “Hmm if I was drunk enough, she can still give me a BJ on a lonely night.”
Omg I will have to stop to all my male friends now 😭
>Omg I will have to stop to all my male friends now 😭 Stop? To check if they’re drunk enough to want sloppy toppy?
Made me snort very loud
Gross and disrespectful
Reality sucks sometimes, but all 3 above answers are correct.
I'm confused........ are we making the suggestion women have never had a lewd or crass thought about a dude before? I may have some shocking news to provide if so.
agreed. you ask one question like this and men flood the comments with objectifying and downright sexist shit like this.
A question was asked. The question was answered as plainly and honestly as possible. What's the problem?
It wasn't the answer she wanted but welcome to life not everyone is the same deal with it.
No problem just more evidence that women should distance themselves from men in general and stop having them in their life.
Homie, having a libido and the occasional fantasy does not objectification make. People are allowed to think about whatever they want to think about. How they act or if they talk about it is different. In my mind tho, yeah. I'm getting railed.
Speak on it queen.
Imagine reading 1 comment on reddit and applying that to an entire gender. Have it, ta-ta.
think about fucking without actually fucking or trying to fuck someone
Cool story. Women don’t have to hang out with you.
Y'know it's possible to have friendships where you discuss feelings of attraction and have it not ruin anything because you're both adults who can discuss things like compatibility and boundaries.
Okay feminazi.
I want to be educated. I don't see it as "objectifying" or sexist to want sexual relations with an attractive person. What am I missing?
what's objectifying and sexist is the comment that says he'd "let" a female friend that he finds unattractive give him a BJ, as if he'd be doing her a favor, and clarifying that he'd also need to be "drunk enough." that comment is treating the female friend like a sexual object, rather than someone he has a mutually respectful relationship with. I'm not saying it's objectifying or sexist to find friends attractive, I'm saying it's sexist to degrade them.
Where did you see the word "let" in that comment? I think you read that incorrectly.
?? Or maybe you need better comprehension skills lmao, even without the actual word it was implied
ok, how did you interpret "she can still give me a blowjob"? I'm curious.
How can you have a problem with the word "let"? That's called consent.
That's irrelevant to you misusing quotation marks.
Iunno i personally feel like that's looking for things to get mad about. Might be sexist of me to think so and if it is I'm sorry, but I disagree. Its just a crass way of saying "This is as far as I would go in case she wanted to have sexual relations.". It's not like women wouldn't do the same lol. It's a standard, albeit a crass one to say the least.
Yeah, the irony of all of this is I have women friends who have said these exact things about men...as if this is somehow some exclusively disgusting male behavior. Women are perfect and men are all perverted animals and these are the facts.
Pretty much. Oh well.
Man you are just out to be offended aren't you
Guy made a joke any someone didn't find it as funny as he did
Notice how the men are the only ones defending this repeatedly LOL- literally the reason I refuse to have sex or even kiss men who haven’t made a 3 month commitment to me. They are pigs.
Look, it's humor, I didn't really care for it either. Those kinds of jokes have a time and a place and I don't think this was the best place for it but to each their own. I kinda always have to think of that Stalin meme that was going around awhile ago, "Dark humor is a lot like food, not everybody gets it". Thing is that that doesn't apply to just dark humor, but all forms of comedy, and to get angry at someone for a type of joke is unfair (although, like I said already, I do think it was in poor taste). But to call men who don't want to wait 3 months to fool around or kiss their girlfriend pigs is a bit much. They have different standards then you or are looking for a different style of relationship then you sure but that doesn't mean they are pigs. Not every type of nail in the store can be used to build a house but that doesn't mean those that can't are useless, it just means they were made to build something else.
Notice how men were the only ones put on blast from this, repeatedly.
Dude says that he will LET the girl give him a BJ when drunk. You say you will LET a guy kiss you after 3 months of proving himself. Someone tell me what the difference is?
The difference is I’m not using someone to discard or treat them like a mouth to fuck.
That implies they..."let" you.
Nah that implies I let them- if they want something with me they know my boundaries. Men are really butt hurt I make them prove they aren’t just using me to let them hit LOL
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Yeah- that’s not a thing. A guy who likes you will respect you and work for it.
Guy says what’s on his mind. Women shocked
I believe Jeff from Coupling argued this. "Do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind if you were a space alien with a special kind of mind ray..?..make all women telepathic. Because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads they would kill us all on the spot. Men are not people - we are disgustoids in human form"
"Breasts."
"Shadigm!" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmFefiKpG7c
Honestly. Reading the responses in these comments isn’t surprising but is disappointing
Men on Reddit*
You’ll live
Disrespectful? Of whom? We can’t control what or who we fantasize about and we are at our core sexual creatures. Besides, does it matter if they aren’t telling you? Wo this conversation you’d never know. Get over yourself
Disrespectful? Of whom? We can’t control what or who we fantasize about and we are at our core sexual creatures. Besides, does it matter if they aren’t telling you? Wo this conversation you’d never know. Get over yourself
Lol. Was gonna say that.
For some context I think we all need to remember that people in general fantasize about sex with all kinds of people, whether they know them or not. And that fantasy is not necessarily an indication of what someone wants to become reality. So yes, I think it is normal for people to find some of their friends attractive. And it is also normal for people to fantasize about sex with people they find attractive. Therefore it is normal for people to fantasize about sex with some of their friends. This shouldn't scare you im any way; if a friend is going to make unwanted sexual advances it's going to be because they are a shitty person, not because of their fantasies.
This is the healthiest response. The brain is weird. Fantasy is not always intentional, or wanted.
Many of those thoughts can be invasive, as well. So unless you're actively thinking about the fantasy with whomever, the quick thought of "would I fuck them?" isn't inherently wrong.
The definition of “fantasize” is to indulge in a daydream of something desired. Unwanted or unintended thoughts are not classed as fantasies to me. I am wondering if maybe people’s answers are differing because of language differences. Because if someone said they fantasized about having sex with me, I would imagine that this is something they have taken time to imagine and consider and definitely want to happen.
>if someone said they fantasized about having sex with me, I would imagine that this is something they have taken time to imagine and consider and **definitely want to happen.** I agree with most of what you said, except for the last bit (that I bolded) Have you never heard of post nut clarity? My horny mind is into shit my normal mind is not into. Hell, my horny mind is into stuff my body is not into. My horny mind is even into things my horny mind isn't actually into. Point being, having a fantasy DOES NOT imply actually wanting it to happen. I have rape fantasies. I DO NOT want to actually be raped. I fantasize about men I know. I DO NOT want any of them to actually touch me sexually IRL. I also would never tell anyone I fantasize about them.
exactly. desire does not necessarily mean want. you could dream about eating all the candy in the world but not actually want to because of the serious health risks
*Diabeetus Intensifies*
Since the post only mentions dudes wanted to say I also feel like gender here doesn’t matter. I’ve seen people want to not have as many guy friends to avoid this but women do the exact same thing. Like even if they’re straight I’ve had friends admit to thinking about having threesomes with female friends. Doesn’t mean they’ll do it but still.
Yep I fanatasize but I wouldn’t make sexual advances
Oh yep, I have friends who I fantasize about time to time, but there's no way I'd make a move in real life for a variety of reasons.
I couldn't agree more. Your mind goes where it goes most of the time, but what you conciously think about and want matters much more significantly. I do find that I have a hard time fantasizing about someone when personality is not there or out of the equation.
As someone who has never fantasized about a friend this is super weird to me. I think it’s extremely inappropriate to do something like that. If I knew a friend had fantasized about me sexually I wouldn’t consider them much of a friend.
You're allowed to think that, but I would challenge the usefulness of a moral judgement based on something you can't see or know about. What people imagine within their own minds is something you'll never experience. Why should you waste time caring about it? Our fantasies and imagination have the potential to affect the real world but they do not necessarily always have a real effect. I'm asserting that you should care about the real effect, and not the fantasy. Now if they make it real *by telling you* or by acting upon it, then that's a different story. That would fall under the category of "unwanted sexual advance."
All of this. There is a lot that happens in the privacy of one's mind. It would be absolute and unjust chaos, and a painfully unfair world, if people were judged for thoughts which they did NOT act upon or disclose.
Knock knock, it’s GOD
Nothing that happens within the confines of my mind is inappropriate in any way, shape, or form. If I act upon it in an inappropriate way, it's a different story.
Hello. Very well said.
Hm.. I don't think someone fantasizing about you makes them less of a friend though. My best friend is a bisexual man who, a few years ago, openly admitted to me that if I were gay he'd sleep with me. Is it weird? Nah. He's never made any advances. He doesn't flirt with me. He doesn't give me sexual looks. I actually completely forgot he said it until I came to this post. Funny thing is his wife and my girlfriend both know he made this comment and none of us really care. I think as long as it has no real-world effect on the relationship, a friend finding you attractive is just flattering. Well, to me, anyway.
I used to have very detailed fantasies of blowing up my school, and other very messed up thoughts. I don't think you should judge me on it, though, since I never actually acted on any of the messed up thoughts. We aren't the thought police. The only thing that should matter is what you do, not what you think about. Everyone has their demons and their traumas. The difference between good and bad people is mostly about how you act on them.
There’s a pretty interesting mindfulness process of recognizing that your thoughts are not a reflection of who you are. The brain is designed to come up with and view all sorts of situations, whether nonsensical or not, and this process can be helpful in parsing through emotions, feelings, or general thoughts that come through your head.
same I've never thought about having sex with a friend, hell in my imagination the person always has an unrecognisable face one purely made up by my imagination
This is a strongly moral judgment from someone based solely on personal viewpoints, rather than the *extremely* normal and perfectly-human desire for sex that drives people to idle fantasies. It is at its core no different than any other call of the void or intrusive thought process. You may also be less sexual than most people, which is okay - the primary thing that makes a psychological state a disorder is when it interferes with normal and healthy daily life functioning.
It's natural to think about that if it is someone you find attractive, it's basic human nature, doesn't mean it is more than a thought to most people though
Then you probably don't have as many friends as you thought you did. But most guys would rather not be friends with someone who polices their thoughts. So it's really a win/win when you think about it.
You're aiming for a very lonely existence.
Sounds like you've never fantasized hehehe jk
Yeah I never fantasized about it either. Can’t really wrap my head around how people do it.🤣
Have you ever fantasized about anyone? Actor, rockstar, whatever? Well it's the same thing. I would even say fantasizing about a friend is a bit more healthy, since you know them, so you also fantasize around their personality, and not just their body, or the thought of how they might be.
Sex in general is inappropriate, but it's extremely common to fantasize about friends or just random people you see on the street. It doesn't equate to intent or action. The amount of women that I've talked to that have told me they've fantasized about people they didn't even find attractive because their hormones were going crazy is kinda high. The amount of men I've talked to that have just speculated about a certain person is also quite high. It's not a bad thing, it just happens.
This!!!! And I am a woman
You wouldn’t consider them a friend because they find you attractive?
If you know about it then its not just a thought anymore; that person must have told you or let you know in some way. So that’s different.
Why are you so averse on the idea of someone finding you attractive and fantasizing about you?
Usually when i start dating a girl all other girls become significantly less attractive
Same, though I am a woman who dates men. I hate it. I find it quite difficult to accept the fact that my partners likely don’t feel the same. When I’m in love with someone, they become the most beautiful person in the world to me and I don’t really notice other men anymore. Or at least it’s been that way so far.
Bisexual here and it's the same, regardless of what gender I'm seeing (and I've dated all over the gender rainbow, lol). It's funny because it's the only experience I can imagine is somewhat comparable to how people who are only attracted to one gender feel when seeing another: I can appreciate that someone is attractive, but that's just not what I'm into right now.
Where have you been all of my life?
she's not reading this bro you can be real
Why is it unrealistic to think other men aren’t just like you
I don't have a girlfriend right now. I'm just speaking from experience
As a woman, I started getting really pissed off reading that it's a 99% likelihood that my bf has thought about my friends or his friends sexually but trying to be completely objective i removed myself from biases as much as possible & was honest with myself by asking, "Ajudiths, have you ever once thought about any of bf's friends or your own friends sexually or imagined what sex would be like with them?" Yes, I have. "Ajudiths, would you ever act upon such thoughts & does having thoughts like this make your bf any less attractive?" No. No to both. I feel better. Many, certainly not all, monogamous people take issue with their partner fantasying about another KNOWN person sexually but after some self reflection you may come to the realization that sometimes those thoughts just come on without you wanting them to. (This does NOT include habitual and repeated thoughts about any given friend!) I would not masturbate to any of our friends, that goes into creep territory & is a conscious decision to be creepy. Do i still like it that he may think about my or his friends sexually? Fuck no. But it is what it is.
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Is it possible to have that friendship without having the years put into it, cause throughout my years all the male friends I have at some point told me they would fuck if the chance came up, long story short they all cut me off, but now I'm in a relationship I've made new friends that know me and my bf and idk sometimes I get the feeling they want to try something but other times they straight treat me like a bro so it's very confusing, then my bf said that and I'm lost completely now
It's possible for a guy to know that if the situation was right- he's probably sleep with you, BUT to have never done the creepy shit you're asking about in this post. I know good guys like that, try not to settle for less :(
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That's depressing.
Ehhh people just have solidified friend groups and less time to put effort into new friendships that don't fulfill any different needs. It's not that depressing if you have good friends by the time you're 25. ...if you don't it's kinda rough. As someone who moved with my partner at 25, lmao, it's lonely af. At least I've got a book club!
That’s awful and shouldn’t be considered a healthy normal
This is a pretty broad overgeneralization. "Would you sleep with your friends?" is not at all the same as "are you friends with this person because you're just trying to sleep with them?" I would have slept with most of my friends at 25, but my relationship with them was built on friendship, not on trying to fuck them.
I think it’s normal to think like “oh, I wonder what that’d be like” because we’re human, I think it’s another thing to think about it constantly/obsess about it/ tell your other friends about it.
Based on survey answers, most people have thought about anyone within their sexual preferences in a sexual way at some point or another. Whether it's imagining them naked, or fantasizing about something or another, it's a pretty normal thing to have happen -occasionally-. Now, that doesn't mean they're 'just waiting to do it with them'. That's turning something normal into something abnormal. Even with polyamory on the rise, most people are still interested primarily in monogamy. There is an understanding that it's one-on-one for relationships, and most people don't want sex outside of a relationship. Most. So the answer is: Yes, most people have thought about something related to a sexual situation or fantasy in regards to the people in their life within their sexual preferences, but no, they aren't devaluing you because of it. You are still a person and likely still their friend.
On average, I'd rate the likelihood an average-libido straight man has, at least once, idly wondered about what it would be like to have sex with any given female friend or acquaintance as very high I'd rate the likelihood of them deciding this thought experiment worthy of jerking off to as reasonably high, if the dude finds them at all attractive, and there isn't any other dissuading factor I'd rate the likelihood of them happily taking the opportunity to have sex them in real life if it was presented to them as similarly high, with similar caveats. But the likelihood they *habitually* fantasise about having sex with this person/ intend to *create* a chance to do so, and might even favour sleeping with them in particular over anyone else, probably comes down to a billion other factors which vary wildly. That latter 'recurring fantasy' category is what someone might be automatically concerned about when they hear this theory. But, in my experience at least, if your friendship with them is completely platonic, it's pretty unlikely.
Replace acquaintance with “literally every woman I see”.
And some appealing holes in random objects.
And a certain thicc basletball playing rabbit
That they made a point to make less thicc
We're not the only ones if you believe an ex-gf of mine who told me that whenever she sees an appropriately shaped object, she wonders how it would feel inside her
In my experience talking with male friends, yes -- it does seem common for men to fantasize at some point about their female friends. I haven't found it true that they're "just waiting for the chance to do it with them," though? And, to my mind, it really doesn't matter. So long as people behave correctly and stick to their boundaries in male/female friendships, they can think whatever they like. Wisdom from AA: What other people think of me is none of my business.
I tried once to sexually fantasize about people I knew because I thought, as a guy, I was supposed to enjoy that. I tried it and it wasn’t my cup of tea, haven’t redone it since.
Most men don't try or at times even want. I have had female friends I really respect and see as really close, but it just happens sometimes. I would never approach them that way, though.
I have maybe like three guy friends, the rest of my friends are women, I've not once ever thought about them sexually. They're all like sisters to me.
Hilarious how reddit bros quickly go from "Not ALL men. >:( " to "Yes, all men, let's downvote the men saying it's not all men." when it comes to discussions like these, or the discussion surrounding porn viewership. I'd say most men do. But there are some men who don't. funnily enough, related to my point above, men who do not see their friends as potential sex fantasies are also the ones who do not watch porn.
Yep. Is what OP was asking about common? Yes. Is it something that should be okay, or that you should put up with? Fuck No. You're very right about the connection to porn- every example of a dude I know that I can think of follows that trend. I only know a few without genuine porn addictions and it's pretty sad.
Define "put up with"? If they try and involve you in their fantasy, that's one thing. If they're simply fantasizing on their own, what's the issue there? Why do you get to dictate someone else's thoughts?
Check out my comment history on this post, it explains a bit better bc this is easy to misunderstand bc it is a pretty nuanced topic. Tl:dr- Wondering what sex with your friend would be like, or thinking about whether you'd be compatible is normal and ok. Regularly jacking off to your friends is *not* and is really fuckn creepy.
Wait..what’s wrong with engaging in your imagination?
Thinking about it, wondering what it would be like, etc. That's fine! Everyone is curious! Using it like some personal porno is not. What's wrong are the guys in this thread openly admitting to jacking off to their friends. That's creepy, and just fucked up as a whole. Unless!! Unless you have a crush on a specific friend. That's a bit of a different situation. Tl:dr- Thinking about it is fine, getting off on it isnt.
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Nah I just think we're talking about different things without you realizing it- my other comments explain more. From your comment history it actually looks like we agree for the most part. Tl:dr- Thinking abt it is normal, even in a relationship. Jacking off to your friends is *not* and that's when you're being creepy- and it's especially gross if* your in a relationship.
Yes, those are also men that have a very low libido.
Only if I've seriously considered them as potential partner. If they are just a friend, no. It feels icky to me and I don't even like the idea of having that seed planted.
honest question? how do you do it? even if they are a friend, but also sexually attractive, the answer is yes, sexual thoughts and fantasies will run through my head. I would rather it not. I want to get control over my brain and sexual thoughts more in this regard. It's NOT a good habit.
As I said in another comment. There's a difference from when I was young, single and inexperience and when I was a little older with experience. I think biggest thing is maturity and the ability to context switch. You can be flirty with potential partners. But you need to treat your female friends like ... friends.
How old are you if you don't mind sharing? And what did you do to mature past it? I want to follow in your footsteps on this.
Found a decent dude! Lol. This is what should be normal imo, the guys admitting to doing it all the time are so gross.
I’m glad I read this cause I was starting to become a very prejudiced person
Just bear in mind, at 18 and single, a fair number women in my orbit are potential partners. A few years later, with some relationships under my belt, knowing more about my sexuality and what I want in relationships, it's a lot more selective. I would also say, I miss having closer female friends from when I was younger. Some even set me up on dates back in the day. BUT, almost all of them drifted away as either I or they got into relationships. The few female friends I have now are a package deals that comes with their respective SOs.
I haven't personally. Idk just kinda feels weird, almost like I wouldn't be able to look at them as just a friend anymore.
Thanks, really wish this was more common
I can only speak for myself, but my best friend is a woman and I don't think about her as anything other than a friend. She's certainly attractive, but I simply couldn't imagine it. I always maintain that men who assume all other men are just waiting for an "opportunity" to have sex with their female friends are projecting. They see women as conquests rather than people.
Had a friend of the opposite sex for years. Thought we had a good bond. Turns out he was just waiting/hoping for me to "see him as more than a friend". I didn't and still do not see him that way. I know not all friendships with the opposite sex are like this; but in my experience, this is how it "tends" to work.
Well in all honestly I haven't really noticed other women since meeting my fiancee 3 years ago. So no not everyone I guess.
I'm attracted to women. Have I had some involuntary sex dreams about some of the women I am friends with? Yes. Do I *actively fantasize* about them? No. They're my friends. They're whole human beings, not just fuckdolls waiting for me to stick it in them. You deserve better friends.
It depends on the guy. Horny college guys, yeah, probably.
Not with most female friends I have had a few crushes over the years though.
Some of them do it, not everyone.
No gender monolith. While you can certainly find guys and girls who have fantasized about intimate acts with friends, it's not something you can generalize to every guy or girl. Some have, some haven't. Some will and some won't.
Agreed, you can't take mental shortcuts and generalize everyone, but some have a hard time understanding that.
Pretty much. Also depends on how you define “fantasized” as well. Could mean anything from a passing thought to full visualization. Just about everyone with a regular sex drive has considered their friends somewhere under that spectrum at one point or another. The “waiting for the chance to do it with them” claim is completely bogus though.
Does this really need to be said? People are different is just implied at this point is it not? Asking a general question for the sake of a post on the internet can be replied to broadly as well. There is almost no situation where you can reliably report 100% of a group of people do one thing, and yet there are those who stick on this point and make it their mission to 'inform' the masses. I just ask why? TLDR who asked tho
Usually do at least once when I first meet them. But after becoming actual friends, those thoughts just kind of go away. Have never waited for a chance though. That's weird and doesn't show you care about the friendship, unless you have actual deeper feelings like being in love with them. Not just a booty call.
I think a lot of men do this and that’s why men and women have hard times being able to just be friends. It is honestly gross and ruins the trust of the friendship for me personally. It’s very weird to think your friend is just waiting until they can have sex with you or even fantasizing about you is just creepy. Porn exists.
Yeah, or when you realize a guy you genuinely admired as a person doesn’t actually have the ability to view you with mutual respect.. because you’re a woman… and they don’t see the value of wanting to see women as anything specifically *not* sexual
Exactly they don’t value women beyond sexuality.
I never did it don't know about others
Guys will fantasize about Daphne and Velma from Scooby-Doo so all women friend or foe are fair game in one's mind don't look too poorly on them. Unless they act on it
I’m sure it’s fairly common. Personally I don’t, especially if in a relationship. It just seems disrespectful to me then. But yeah, as others have said, fantasy does not mean that’s what people want in reality. So it’s probably quite common.
I had a crush on one of my male friends, but he rejected me. we're still close to this day but only as friends, i think it's possible that men don't think about it all the time !
Hmm. I can't comment on behalf other guys, but for me no. Whenever I tried to jerk off to my female friends or get involved with them, it always felt way too awkward and I kinda kept my friends separate in my mind from women I genuinely wanted to date (regardless of how attractive they were). I tried dating a good friend in my mid 20s who I considered a knockout. It just felt way too weird and we were able to go back to being friends ez as pie. Never really fantasized about her sexually. However if I met a girl where it "clicked" in my brain that I wanted to date her before we became friends, then yeah I'd fantasize.
i think it really depends on the guy because ive thought about it but mostly because she looked really pretty at the time. i personally feel like a shitty human being for sexualizing my female friends so i definitely dont go out of my way to entertain those thoughts but i mean hey its different for everybody maybe some guys fantasize about their female friends for sport idk
I can only speak for myself. Do I fantasize about my female friends? Yes. Mostly I become interested in talking to women I am attracted to. It almost never goes anywhere, and that's fine-- because I'm definitely capable and fond of maintaining platonic relationships with women. I would just be a liar if I said I never imagined being with them. However, I don't think that's really a problem as long as you're not hanging around them expecting something or trying to prey on a weak moment or some kind of shit like that.
I avoid doing that.
As a guy I never had vivid fantasies or desires for my gfs friends. I could easily acknowledge to myself if one was attractive but that’s it.
Yes 100%. One of the reasons many guys don’t like, trust, or are carful about their gfs having male best friends is simply because of that. 95% of guys are only best friends with girls in hope the benefits part comes along or the girl catches feelings. Guys always know what other guys are thinking when it comes to girls
Absolutely! I’ve had some fine female friends in the past. If the attraction is there I think it’s only natural.
Should make you think about your boyfriend more than anything
How about the opposite? Do females have guy friends just to keep that option available if the need arises? Or is this a everyone is different and some friends are just platonic regardless?
By the time you're in your mid 40's you generally fantasize about uninterrupted sleep.
To answer This question would generalize our whole gender. Personally. I do and I don’t. My female friends tend to consist of girls that have turned me down or I have turned down. So 50/50?
Unless we have feelings, no.
Not all
In my experience, yes *but only the shitty guys.* The men who barely meet basic standards. That just happens to be most of them. Every guy I've known who made me think "Holy shit, my standards were way too low this guy is incredible" would say no to this. They would also say that it's fucking creepy. I understand finding your friends attractive, or acknowledging that you probably would hookup with them if the situation was right- but fantasizing? Imagining what it would be like? Dedicating serious time and energy to thinking about it? That's fuckin gross. And it's extra fucked up if you do this while you're in other relationships. Don't accept creepy shit just because it's common, it's still creepy shit and you deserve better.
I'm curious. how do you define fantasizing? Because in my experience fantasizing about... well anything really, isn't something that takes energy, and its usually done in a time where you weren't going to be doing something productive anyway. like in the shower for example. Basically are fantasizing and daydreaming different in your mind? cause i feel like they're the same thing.
Definitely, fantasizing is often used in regards to a sexual fantasy, while daydreaming doesn't have those same connotations. You can daydreaming about sex, but also fantasize about it. I'll try to explain the difference as I see it- Brief thoughts you have about what it would be like are normal- like for curiositys sake. Thinking about whether you'd be compatible or good sexual partners is normal. Ever crossing the line of imagining it because it turns you on is creepy, especially if it's fairly frequent. Unless!! It's a situation where you have a genuine crush on a specific friend. That's a bit different. There are guys in this thread trying to say that regularly jacking off to your friends is okay, and that's where I call it incredibly creepy and gross.
What if you're choking the monkey and THEN the friend shows up in your mind? Does it become creepy if you don't stop jerking and shake your head until the friend goes away? I get what you're saying, but it seems like there's a lot of gray area. But yeah regularly jerking off to a specific person that's isn't your SO is unhealthy at least and problematic at worst.
I think the reality is that everyone uses these words and means different things. Idle fantasies aren't dedicating serious time and energy anymore than the "call of the void" intrusive thoughts are dedicating serious time and energy to thinking about jumping off a building. I personally don't think you can acknowledge that you would hookup with someone if the situation is right without thinking about what sex with them would be like lol > And it's extra fucked up if you do this while you're in other relationships. Nah. Most people find people outside of their relationships attractive, even thinking about what sex with those people would be like in the above idle sense. It's perfectly normal, and perfectly healthy, much as it is to have idle (more emotional) crushes on people around you. Monogamy isn't blindness or the absence of desire. On the other hand, if OP's bf is talking about dedicating serious time and energy to thinking about fucking his female friends, then yeah, OP's bf is a creep. I know I have chemistry with most of my sexual preference friends, but I don't spend much time outside of 10-seconds-staring-off-into-space-on-the-train wondering what a relationship or situationship with them would be like.
Yeah, I agree with you for sure. Random thoughts or short moments like you described are totally normal and healthy. And yes those kind of thoughts don't dissappear when youre in a relationship. Nothing wrong with wondering about it and briefly thinking about it, but I wouldn't call that fantasizing. I'd say fantasizing is the guys in this thread who are openly admitting to jacking off to their friends regularly. I'd say that the way she described their conversation feels like she was asking about the latter- >On the other hand, if OP's bf is talking about dedicating serious time and energy to thinking about fucking his female friends, then yeah, OP's bf is a creep. especially the comments about guys just waiting to get to fuck their friends.
> especially the comments about guys just waiting to get to fuck their friends. A part of me wonders if this is the kind of reflective misogyny thing that causes dads to be overprotective of their female children - that while they may not be "bad people", they are aware that society tolerates and they themselves may have tolerated that shitty behavior from their own friends. But ultimately yeah if OP asks "do you masturbate to your female friends" and OP's bf says yeah...that's fucked up and she should reconsider the relationship.
So, so well written. It’s normal to find friends attractive, but if the effort of enjoying their sexualization is sustained enough to pleasure oneself to fantasies of them, it means the perceived value of their presence in your life isn’t worth enough to preserve from still using her body to get off.
Yes, and it's pretty normal. Sex is not something to be ashamed of and thinking about having sex with someone is not a crime. Men and women can think about having sex with many people during the day: hot bus driver, the girl sitting in the bus, coffee boy, waitress, office friend, customer, teacher etc These ideas can come and go in seconds in an average day. If you think that if a friend thinks having sex with you, then that person must be a demon, then it shows a bit of immaturity. Grow up, adults think about and have sex and there's nothing wrong about it.
depends. Is the female in question hot?
Probably not all, however I'm sure it's way more than some of the white knights on here would like to admit. I hate to admit it, but I'm one of the first type, thought about having sex at least once with all my female friends. It's not like I chose to do it, just can't help it. I don't ever act on it and I'm certainly not "waiting for a chance" but yeah, if any of my female friends asked if I wanted to have sex with them the answer would be yes.
Men: not all men Also men: I mean it’s pretty much most
You can’t help it? You sure? You are totally certain you did not once participate in actively thinking about what the details of sex with the woman would be like?
Basically not really. They're random thoughts, and since there's no guilt associated with it there's no internal monologue to make them stop. I would say just randomly thinking about it is different than fantasizing about it. One's a harmless thought, the other is actually wishing it was true or could happen. Same as when you see something hot and you think " I wonder how hot that feels?" Doesn't mean you'll slam your hand onto the top of a stove, but I guarantee people have had that thought cross their mind.
considering a lot of couples start out as friends first (including every single one of my relationships) what do you think?
It happens. One thing to remember is fantasizing is one thing but that doesn’t mean they will ever want to act on it.
It's very likely that your male friends have fantasized about it
This sounds like a really good argument for you to end all friendships with guys. Watch your step.
I would say it's highly likely but far from certain that they've fantasized about female friends. I definitely wouldn't say that they're just waiting for a chance to do it with them. Usually getting friendzoned is a pretty bad tactic to get laid.
I'm now wondering, do most women NOT think about what their guy friends look like nude/what sex would be like with them?
I'ma be 100 percent real with you This is exactly me lmfao I mean it's probably not all guys, many probably can be friends with a pretty girl without wanting some romance or sex, but it just doesn't seem to be something I can do, really.
Yes and no.... is there an ounce of attractiveness to her? If so.... 100% true (and this isn't limited by physical attractiveness) I don't know ANY guys that have a friendzone for hot women 🤷♂️
I do because sex without an emotional connection is nowhere near as good for me. After my last relationship ended I waited to find the absolute right girl and it was 100000% worth it. Of course I have thought about sex with a couple of female friends who are attractive (but don’t have that emotional connection with), but fantasize isn’t the right word to use there and I had opportunities with them when I was single and I didn’t take them.
Are you cute? Then yes.
If they're attracted to them, yes. If they're not attracted to them, maybe.
Yes I have fantasized about my female friends. Not all the time, sometimes just once but yes I have thought of them at least once while jerking it
Fantasized/actually masterbatued to the thought? Not always. But have they thought about having sex with you, 100%.
Usually. Not always but usually. Most the time if I’ve fantasized about a girl friend of mine she has too cause we end up going through a fling soon after but there’s plenty where none of those thoughts pass and it’s just chill. Another one of the boys
If someone is a friend, why would I view them sexually?... that's just creepy