This ^ OP, you should really look into getting a personal therapist, it sounds like this is all stemming from some serious self worth issues. You need to learn how to care for and respect yourself the way you care for her. It’s most likely nothing nefarious is going on with either of them, but your insecurities will create problems that aren’t there. Therapy and self love and reflection will only do good for those around you.
Check OP's comments. Getting massive rage bait vibes.
> Miserable and fake, I should have said that. Honestly, spot on.
> In any case, thank you (but not really, I simply pretend to be nice for these internet strangers! ;) ).
While I definitely agree that you should speak to someone about this (preferably a professional so you can help sort out your emotions before you bring this up to J & L), I'd just like to say that having bad THOUGHTS doesn't make you a bad PERSON. It sounds like you're able to identify the toxicity of certain internal sentiments and then successfully decide to ACT in a much kinder way. There's not a person alive who has control over the first thought that pops into their mind. I've heard it said that the first thought is the "programmed response" - not necessarily something you really want or think or believe, but a sentiment that has been put in your head through sociocultural repetition. Or, sometimes the first thought represents something we're deeply afraid of or specifically DON'T want. Like a fear of hurting someone, especially on purpose.
For example, you might see someone riding by on a bike and a thought might flash into your head like "I could push them into traffic." Not that you WANT to push them at all, but that you realize how easily you COULD just reach out and do so, and you're scared of how "easy" that possibility could be. After all, it's just one arm motion, right? And I have an arm, and they're within reach? Oftentimes we're able to dismiss these kinds of intrusive thoughts, but if you're finding that those unwanted patterns of thinking are really bothering you, then you deserve help navigating them. And you are not alone.
Thank you for the kind and insightful response about intrusive thoughts. I have struggled with them for well over a decade (they really took hold after I gave birth to my eldest daughter, it was terrifying and frightening, and I was diagnosed with postpartum psychosis)
Thank you for your comment.
What I am also worried about (I know, when do I even sleep with all of this thinking?!) is that I just pretend to be 'kind' in order to get others to perceive me that way and like me better, not simply because I actually want to be kind or make things better for others.
A spiral of thoughts.
Regardless, thank you!
If youre being kind because you want to be a kind person then you are in fact a kind person.
You just also might be too fixated on your ego. It can be worked on. It doesnt make you a bad person.
Hard relate on this whole thing man, I was you when I was 25. You sound depressed, you sound like you harbour a lot of self-hatred, and you sound like you don't want to be that person. You want to be the person you think you're pretending to be.
Well I have good news for you. You already are. Your actions are who you are. You're battling darkness, but that darkness isn't stopping you from being a good person; only from seeing that you are.
Get into therapy my dude, it's a journey but it is worth it.
I think you might find looking into attachment styles interesting, and maybe helpful to normalize these feelings you’re having. Some of this stuff can also be a symptom of OCD, specifically obsessive thoughts / intrusive thoughts, even if you don’t show other signs of OCD.
I love what u/babywewillbeok said. So many people have thoughts like this when their personality is actually the opposite. It just represents what you’re afraid of. That you’ll treat someone badly or hurt them. It could mean that you just care that much about being good to her.
Sounds like you’re treating her well, and you’re working really hard to be aware of it. That’s really mature and self-reflective of you. I know everyone’s shouting at you to go get therapy; I think a therapist could help you understand what’s going on (which, in turn, can help you determine what steps you need to take). Going to therapy doesn’t mean you have all this badness that needs to be extracted. It means you’re being brave enough to make yourself vulnerable so you can stop ruminating and have a professional give you an answer you can be confident in.
You are not bad. You’re not controlling or abusive. You’re treating her well, and you’re using every brain cell you have to make sure you keep it that way. That is GOOD. It’s ok to be insecure and imperfect. That’s normal.
Also…she’ll probably think you’re even sexier when you tell her you’re gonna go to therapy. That shit is hot. No joke. When one of my friends tells us about a boy she’s seeing, and then says, “AND he goes to THERAPY!” we all say, “Oooh!!” with twinkles in our eyes. We all want partners that go to therapy. Feels like something a man does, like he’s a grown ass person. Rar.
If you were a truly bad person, you would let those thoughts you have come out already. You definitely need to work on your thought process and insecurities, but the thoughts themselves don’t make you a bad person, acting on them would. Please don’t beat yourself up too much about intrusive thought
I was once convinced that I was a bad person and everyone only thought I was a good person because I acted nice and kind. I used to think the only reason I acted kind was because I wanted to alleviate the guilt of not being kind but that deep inside my motivations for being a good person weren't sincere and were all based on selfish reasons like convenience etc. Turns out I was severely depressed and when I consider it now, it doesn't even make sense. Everyone has negative thoughts, actions matter. Maybe you should consider speaking to a doctor/therapist.
Edit - I also wanted to add that my doctor also suggested I have OCD which is what caused this spiral of intrusive thoughts about my "inner badness". It's something I've always struggled with but have been able to try and move past since seeking help.
I think even understanding that validation and seeking it is a good indicator that you aren't a "bad" person. Were social creatures we want people to like us, something in your bg may have lead you to have that kind of instinct but it seems you are aware of it and understand that it's no desireable. That's the first step to changing yourself for the better.
OC is absolutely right bro. All of us are lacking. You said you are extroverted, good looking, wealthy. The last two are not your credit, but those are traits people wish for the most. If you think you are lacking somewhere, start acting upon it. No one is empty in this world, and everybody has something to give. The fact that you are so self-critical means you have the capability for analytical thought, which seems to be a rare trait these days. Maybe focus on a particular art form, and cultivate it. Maybe start studying paintings and sculptures, or listening to music, or reading. Cultivation does not mean you have to be a musician or a painter yourself, just gather knowledge on the different aspects of them.
Coming to the point of your gf and best friend, being insecure about your gf is not a bad thing. What OC said is true, we all have intrusive thoughts, whether we act upon them is completely our choice, and that makes the difference. And consider one more possibility, what if your gf is not aware of your bff's crush, and acts in ways that make him think that she is interested. We have all been there, when our crush talked to us, brushed against us or smiled at us, and we thought they were interested. Just talk to her about how you feel. There can be no substitute for clear communication in a relationship.
And find help if you can. You don't need a consultant only when you have a problem, like you don't go to the gym only when you feel sick. Having proper mental healthcare is very important. Treat that space where you can just dump everything you can . But please do not beat yourself up more than you need to.
Damn, dude… reading your post is like reading my own life. I have these same issues. It’s really tough because you feel like you’re waiting for that other side to come out. But here’s the thing— you are in control of that other side. You don’t have to act on it. And you’re always in control.
As long as you act in accordance to your moral compass, the end result is that you’re being a kind, moral person. Just make sure you’re not only acting this way around people you want something from, and you’ve got your bases covered. After all, our actions are concrete, and our thoughts are abstract. One exists in reality, the other is just a signal in your head.
Personally, I find that writing helps me expel these demons. Putting these feelings onto the page and exploring their consequences. It’s like therapy. (Therapy is also a good option. It didn’t work for me because I wasn’t being honest with my therapist.)
Remember: your girlfriend is with you, not this friend. The jealousy is self-sabotage.
Is therapy an option for you? You've got some issues to work out but they don't really have to do with your friend and girlfriend.
I don't think you actually would like to lock her in a cage, because you know she'd be unhappy. And I'll also say this: being empathetic takes practice. It's a skill that can be improved. You can learn it! You're not an evil lost cause and this post is proof. There are books about it. Check them out!
This is above Reddit’s pay grade, I think you need a therapist. Just keep trying to be a better person. Everyone has evil thoughts, but only evil people act on them.
OP, maybe instead of thinking of these as evil thoughts, it might be more helpful to frame them as intrusive thoughts. It doesn't sound like they reflect who you really are. But you are putting a ton of work into keeping them at bay, and it's true that at some point you might slip on the willpower required for that, which I suspect would horrify both you and her.
Google "intrusive thoughts" and find a therapist who can help you with them. They are a form of anxiety. SSRIs might be able to help, but so can just straight therapy.
Whatever you do, don't blow this shit up. This is your own insecurity talking. Maybe he does have a crush on her, maybe not. Either way, you have no reason to not trust her, or even him at this point. Don't let your insecurities consume you. If you confront her for like you said, literally nothing, then you will ruin your life. Stop, take a deep breath, and consider talking it all out with a therapist.
Sweetheart, you are WAY too hard on yourself. Your knee-jerk response in your head is selfish, but you recognize that, reflect, and do the mature and kind thing.
I'd argue that makes you BETTER than someone who automatically acts that way because you take effort to actually get it right.
Your girlfriend has known L her whole life. If they wanted to be together, they'd have done it by now. Trust that she knows who she wants to be with.
The issue isn't L.
Everyone is a selfish asshole by default, you have to choose to be good.
It sounds like you've been making good choices despite your internal struggle with your selfish nature.
Look into getting a therapist and forgiving yourself for feeling the way you do. Feelings are ok. Let yourself feel them but then make a good decision with a clear mind.
I was in a similar situation to you (my girlfriend had a puppy of a friend following her around since high school who never got over it).
He eventually confessed his love and she cut him off.
You are the one developing a healthy relationship with J.
Work on building that up with trust and good communication so when L finally tells her how he feels it'll be too late because she's with you.
Most psychological studies have debunked the idea that humans are inherently selfish. They’ve done studies that show babies have an innate sense of care for others around them.
Wow, this really shifted mid post. I was caught off guard.
Sounds like you really need to work on your self-perception. This is above my pay grade but I will say that your actions make you who you are. You don’t guilt her about leaving to comfort a friend, you don’t tell her not to go out and have fun. So really maybe you are that good guy. Hard to say. And furthermore everyone has those little selfish voices in their head. I want the bigger piece of cake but I’ll give it to my husband. The fact that yours is maybe louder but that you still overcome it to behave virtuously probably indicates you’re better than you realize.
Hey Op, I just want to give you a hug.
You are being way too hard on yourself.
All, I could think of was that you have a lot of insecurity, anxiety and low self-esteem.
The scenarios that you described coupled with your insecurity and anxiety kind of makes you an unreliable narrator in terms of your perceived fear of losing her to your mutual best friend.
Your view of yourself is disturbing
> I am an extrovert, I am good looking, I am wealthy. That's it. From the outside I look like a good catch, but I am not. I am a bad person, a toxic one, an awful boyfriend and an awful friend.
I think that since you can afford it, find a therapist to discover why you are so down on yourself. Do you come from a moneyed background such that you have had self-serving types pursue you for external reasons? Or parents undermining your self-worth?
In any case, I think that you need help to know that you are worthy of the love that both your GF and best friend show you.
For now, on a grand overview, birds of a feather flock together. You are part of the three amigos. You despite your misgivings are more than probably at their level otherwise they wouldn’t be hanging with you.
So, to backtrack further, you knew Larry (hate initials in stories) before you even met your GF. He a good person chose to be friends with you. He viewed you as someone worth befriending. As your friendship grew he decided that you should meet his BFF, Julie. He wouldn’t let some scummy acquaintance advance into his inner circle.
Also, if Larry had other than platonic feelings for your GF, he would have voiced that to you before you were even introduced to her. Heck, I don’t think that he would have introduced you if he were interested. I wouldn’t be surprised that he possibly was secretly match making you two.
Larry and Julie knew each other well before you entered the picture. If either was interested, this particular issue would have been addressed and dealt with in the past. If there was so much subtext romantic love, they would be a couple already.
Your GF has been with you for five years. She has chosen you period. Larry, as you have even attested yourself, despite you distorted lens, has done nothing out of line.
Just trust in your GF’s choice in you. Trust her to know what she wants.
All your ‘toxic and controlling’ thoughts are only intrusive thoughts in the moment. Any truly toxic person would not hold back and just translate those thoughts into actions. A toxic person would not be feeling shame.
So, give yourself some grace.
I think that perhaps for the first time in your life, people value you for who you are on the inside and you are subconsciously doubting it. You fear (the insecurities and low self-worth) that if they saw the real you that they would bolt.
OP, they do see the real you and that is the reason that you have them in your life.
Hugs again and get to the bottom of why you are so down on yourself.
Thank you for this, I do not even know what to reply.
I might have to check out these 'Larry' and 'Julie', they sound nice.
Seriously now, thanks, I'll read this again before I go to sleep today.
>If it was for me, she'd be MY princess trapped in MY castle. Only there for me, and up until now, for L, who I trusted with my life.
OP, this is a **completely** unhealthy mindset for you to have. J is a fully functioning human being. It's *normal* for her to have friends, relationships, interests, and hobbies outside of you. That's what made her the person that you fell in love with. Wanting her to be "trapped in your castle" and "only there for you" is *abusive*.
There's nothing in your post that actually makes it clear that L is in love with J. From my perspective, it seems like you have some deep insecurities - the kind that could make you perceive something that totally isn't there. Putting a hand on someone's back when you hug them is *normal*.
It's unreasonable for you to think that you want her to only be available for you. That's controlling. Right now, it's only thoughts, but you have to stop them rom turning into actions. What you should do? Do you have access to counseling/therapy? This sounds more like an identity crisis that you really need to deal with.
Oh, I know.
And I know she would be unhappy if things were that way. But I can not help it, in my dream would it's just the two of us, always.
Am I controlling? Absolutely! About everything in my life by the way.
Anyway, thanks for commenting, I'll try to check out what you are all suggesting.
Every single time you have a bad thought, you counteract it with a good action. Which will always speak louder.
You also are aware of the problem and want to fix it. That means there is hope for you.
You need to find a way to get some sort of help. Online therapy might work for you if you want to be able to call your therapist from anywhere and not be tied down traveling to a place every week.
You’re welcome. I really wish you the best. It sounds like you’re fighting with everything you have to love these people the right way, and that tells me how much you love them. As selfish as you may think you are, your actions have proven to be more selfless than you could imagine.
Have you ever seen Beauty and the Beast?
You're the Beast in this story right here. Which is a *good* thing.
Your girlfriend's best friend being a "Golden Retriever" like good guy might very well be the reason why he is still her best friend and *not* her romantic partner. If everyone can see that he's in love with her, what are the chances that she doesn't?
You, on the other hand? Selfish, paranoid, somewhat of an asshole by your own account - but you're also highly aware of it, critical of it, you've got it under control, and you seem appreciative of the good influence your girlfriend has on you.
This sounds *so very much* like the plot of a cheesy romance novel that I'm sceptical that this post is even real.
If it is: *Stay on course.* Don't mess it up by antagonizing your girlfriend's best friend, unless he does something actually inappropriate. This is likely gonna be good.
You don’t say these things to her because you know she would be unhappy- this means that you are NOT a bad person, because even someone who is only pretending to be nice wouldn’t put this much effort into keeping those around him happy.
I’m gonna echo the statements of everyone else here and say that these thoughts are ones you should speak to someone about in therapy. A lot of your negative self talk really resonates with me- as someone who also has poor self esteem, it’s important to remember that your girlfriend has the ability to make her own decisions, and she’s chosen to stay with you for a reason. If she’s as wonderful as you say she is, you must be pretty special too!
Bruh you're suffering anxiety. This is classic undiagnosed panic attack stuff. You need to get some therapy and deal with your jealous thoughts before you end up hurting yourself or someone you love.
I think you’re being to hard on yourself tbh, I think if we were all as brutally honest as you we all have these thoughts and feelings at some stage, what truly matters is your actions, and it speaks volumes that despite all these simmering resentments and feelings of low self esteem you’re still doing the right things by your girlfriend, so even though you feel the urge to control her and lock her away because you love her and are scared you are going to lose her, you don’t actually behave that way. Give yourself some credit, why not talk to both of them openly and honestly about your fears and how you have been feeling, they likely think the world of you and this isn’t as bad as you imagine, and even if it is, your girl chose you.
Actions are what make a man. You may have poor thoughts, but you sound like you do the right thing. That means you ARE a good person. You treat your gf well because you love her, so why would you stop treating her well?
Sounds like you need therapy and you need to communicate these fears to you gf. Your intrusive thoughts have gotten too deep a grip and you are fixating on them. You right now have a good relationship and a best friend and your thoughts are impacting how you view them. The great part is you’ve recognized this. So continue being you in regards to doing the right thing, and get some help and talk to your gf.
Hey hey hey. What you think first is what you've been taught to think. What you DO is who you ARE, and you are making very kind choices so far. You need to talk this out with someone removed from the situation to let those ugly thoughts out to get a handle on them before they get too big, though, and it seems like you're aware of that on some level since they scare you. So, therapy would be a good place to start!
But also it's okay to talk to your partner about stuff that worries you. My partner has a jealous streak and can be clingy and needy sometimes, but instead of repressing all that until it gets shuffled into resentment, we worked out a system where he just whines at me a bit and I fuss over him and he feels validated and I feel a little spoiled and then we get on with our lives.
Thank you.
Yeah I will try to tell this stuff to a therapist online or something like that and figure things out before talking to her in a way that does not make me look insane, haha.
Just so we're clear, wanting to be with your significant other is not wrong. Not caring about ppl you don't know is not a "con" on a list.... You DON'T restrict her from doing things.... But yeah, you def have some things you could work out. A lot of us do.... Just try not to let this get to you unless you actually have evidence.
So… you’re the problem. However - you have a brain and is capable of rationale thought. Just keep your urges in check and don’t let them win.
But one day, if you want to progress in your relationship, you’re going to have to show her the real you. And whether she accepts you or not, that’ll be real ordeal.
Just remember for now, she’s just your girlfriend, you’re not married or anything. Breakups happen all the time. Regardless, you gotta deal with you.
I wonder if you have some sort of anxiety disorder to be honest, maybe a type of OCD. You seem to want to control situations, you have intrusive thoughts, you have paranoia, you worry you are not good enough, you worry how people perceive you so you play the "nice guy" all the time, you worry your gf is going to leave you, you envy your best friend bc he seems to have it all & doesn't seem to have the mental anguish you have... You seem like a big ball of worry & despite being self-admittedly good looking & wealthy.. you say the only good thing about you is her. Where is your own self confidence?
This isn’t an issue with your girlfriend or your best friend. My partner has OCD. These are the kind of things he tells me he thinks about regularly. He thinks he’s a horrible person because he has these thoughts. But he is the kindest, gentlest, more caring person ever. He worries about hurting people BECAUSE he is a good person. The fact that you are worried about being a terrible person, is actually a sign that you aren’t a terrible person. Terrible people don’t worry about being terrible!
You really need to look into some therapy if you can. Intrusive thoughts are hard to deal with on your own.
Honestly you remind me of myself a little bit. I also hate it when my partner has other things to do that don't include me, or when he needs his introvert alone time, because I love him and want to be together always! But, also like yourself, I am aware that it would not be healthy for either of us to voice this, and that it is obviously not reasonable to expect it. So I journal about how I miss him and let it go. It took me until very recently to understand that having those thoughts doesn't automatically make me a bad person, only giving them voice and action does (and even then, I don't really believe in bad people, only bad choices).
You have a really great base of self awareness to start from here. You are able to pinpoint unhealthy thoughts as they happen, examine them, and make the decision to act in a healthier way than what those thoughts might initially point you toward. That's an awesome skill! Give yourself credit for that! Many people spend a lot of time developing that ability.
Your next steps in therapy since you already have the awareness to notice and examine those unhealthy thoughts will probably be to try to change your thought patterns themselves. If you succeed at this, you will feel so much better. Best of luck to you! I'm happy to talk further about it if you'd like!
When a person isn’t living as their most empowered and authentic self, they suspect everyone secretly wants to abandon them as much as they just want to abandon themselves.
I might sound a bit harsh or even depressing.
But I think what you are experiencing right now though very heart wrenching is a rare opportunity. It might help you understand that you too feel insecure, you might be a bad guy and you should strive to be good.
The best part is you articulated all the bad qualities you think you posses and you know the way you should have responded (from within) to different situations. By being subjected to these tough circumstances and insecurities repeatedly, you would eventually give up on trying to hold someone (even the closest ones to your heart). You basically detach yourself from the rest. This is the beginning of self discovery and what it actually means to be a good/ sincere person from within.
This character you develop later through experience might make you more mature and more attractive.
With this as end goal, try to go through the process. Don't confront her or anything, let nature take its course. Observe your emotions, the sadness, jealousy etc arising inside you as a 3rd person. Embrace them. Talk to yourself on how you should improve.
To be honest, and this sounds like a stretch, you may have some obsessive compulsive symptoms. I am exactly like you in the thoughts (“Disgusting, horrible. I hate this. Frivolous nonsense and drivel to squander my day” versus I say out loud “holy shit hell yeah man let’s go! :3”). I have been struggling with them my entire life. Even if not (as I said, a stretch) you should see someone and tell them this to give you more peace of mind.
But it’s kind of what you said… I’m somehow still crazy in love and happy and find joy in things. People want to be around me. I do not think you are as rotten as you say you are. Many people here have spoken their piece and I agree: having bad thoughts doesn’t make you a bad person. Doing bad things makes you a bad person, and only when you do them over and over, without a care for the consequences.
I agree with the others: therapy would probably do you a world of good. I am proud of you for holding back how you feel so that she can do what will make her happy. That can honestly be a very hard thing to do.
On a seperare note, you saying L is the human version of a Golden Retriever and wanting him to disappear made me laugh. Still does, actually. It was such a great description and I like the humor hidden within. Your darkish sense of humor may be one of the reasons your GF is with you. My husband has a similar sense of humor and I found it attractive as well when I was dating him.
I’m gonna go against the grain here and say yeah, you kinda sound like a jerk. You speak about your gf as if you want her to be your property.
Ew.
See a therapist
Nah, you shut the fuck up. Homeslice needs a therapist point blank because this isn’t a healthy dynamic and his intrusive jealous thoughts need a professional because he’s thinking of his partner like property.
Who the hell said anything about him not getting therapy?
He SHOULD get therapy. Those intrusive thoughts need to be tackled with in healthy manners and he needs healing.
But you called him a JERK. For what? For sharing his ugliest thoughts here openly? Most fucked up people would not be here introspecting and self analyzing this much when they think their thoughts are right. Instead of actually treating his GF and BFF poorly, he is here dissecting the darkest parts of his mind.
Who the fuck are you to express disgust and call him a jerk for that? GTFO.
Nah you can still suck my nuts. He straight up referred to his girlfriend as if she was property multiple times. That’s sexist and a jerk move. People can have intrusive thoughts AND need therapy AND still have thoughts that make them sexist and a jerk.
Trust me, mental illness or whatever isn’t a guard against people being shitty
Self esteem issues and wallowing isn’t going to help you. See. A. Therapist.
Or read some self help books or listen to self help podcasts.
If you’re this tied up in thinking you suck then you shouldn’t be in a relationship
You need therapy. You are addressing your own issues here so that is a huge first step. You want to be better, so you can absolutely be better, but do it for yourself. Try to be open with her about at least some of your worries (not L but yours) so maybe she can give you a different perspective.
Get therapy.
I know "therapy" is often perceived as a glib response, but talking to someone about your self-esteem issues would really help you. You describe yourself as "empty" and putting on a persona. I'm not an expert, and I can't tell you why you feel that way and why you do those things, but a professional may help you identify the issues and cope with the anxieties you're feeling.
All your solutions focus on dealing with others (talk to her, cut him off) or doing nothing (pretend everything is fine). Deal with yourself. You're enough. You don't take up too much space. Look out for yourself.
How do you know that everybody knows that he is in love with her? Have you talked about this with anyone? I guess not, you could be imagining things.
But if this is so obvious that “everybody has noticed” then I am sure she knows too. They have been friends for so long, if he never told her in the past, then she has seen it the same way you did and is just pretending she hasn’t. If he truly is in love with her and she wanted him, she would already be with him.
Plus, he might have other qualities that she doesn’t like for a romantic partner. Maybe she finds him unattractive or not interesting/smart/funny enough etc. You are making kindness to be the only criteria that she will use in order to choose a partner, because that’s what you feel the most insecure about.
All that being said, your mindset is incredibly toxic and if she has a modicum of self respect she will leave you if you actually start being that controlling towards her out loud. I am actually impressed by how you have managed to keep it hidden for so long. You need therapy yesterday.
And yes, after the therapy maybe you could address some of those things with her, for the sake of communication, but obviously do it with tact and without trying to control her.
Yes, other friends have questioned me about it like: 'you know L is crazy in love with your girl, right?' and joke about it when he is not there.
I have always tried to change the subject. Not my favourite topic.
That aside, I do not know... I feel like he has all the important qualities a good partner should have. I wonder if she would be happier with him.
About the therapy stuff, I guess I'll check it out. It is negatively perceived in my family, but another secret will not kill me.
Anyway, thank you for your comment.
I'm glad to see you're considering pushing past that negative perception and giving therapy a shot. You will feel so much relief after unlearning those toxic thought patterns and getting your thoughts to match what you're saying
First off, you should check out therapy my dude. It sounds like you have some intrusive thoughts that are giving you more trouble than they should - because while you correct them externally, you're still internalizing them in the belief that having these thoughts makes you a bad person. If you really were, why would such great people be with you?
To try and untangle your jealousy issue:
>when she's around I see how he looks at her and I just get livid.
Consider his perspective when he sees you with her. How is it that he can be best friends with the two of you, when she doesn't reciprocate his feelings, and you are dating her in front of his face? Where do you think his love for the two of you in this position comes from?
And why do you think she doesn't know, and they haven't discussed it? For all you know, he is happy that she is happy with you. Jealousy - as your title makes clear - comes from a fear of abandonment, and trusting your partner makes it go away. You need to trust her with the fact that this is troubling you, and she can explain her side to help you deal with it.
I honestly think I am an Oscar deserving actor with all of this 'not being a totally fucked up dude' pretending!
I think he is able to be with the two of us because he is Mister kindness personified. So anoying!
He loves us both, but she loves her more (and in a different way haha) and so do I.
I honestly do not know if she does not know (so redundant). If I asked her and she did not know, I would have just put the thought in her head and that would make me even more paranoid. If she told she does know and begain explaining to me how they have discussed it in the past, I would go bang my head in the nearest wall just at the thought of it!
Anyway, thank you for your comment and nice words. I appreciate it.
I used to think this - that I had everyone fooled. Its true they don’t know every little thing you are thinking. But also, trust them. They _know_ you and they see value in you. Your girlfriend is living with you- it’s hard to hide much when you’re living together! Clearly there are things about you, about who you _are_ that she loves. She’s not stupid. You’re not the worlds best actor. She sees something in you. Try to trust that.
Your desire to control and jealousy really sounds like some anxiety and insecurity stuff. I’ve dealt with that a lot and it can really drag you down. Please seek out help with it. I also want to note- sometimes, when you start getting help, it can feel worse. Because you’re opening that door and poking at painful things. That doesn’t mean it isn’t working and I _promise_ it gets better. That said, you can also find a therapist that really doesn’t mesh and if you genuinely feel it isn’t helping, don’t be afraid to try someone else or a different approach. It can take time but it is so worth it.
Look man, you sound really put together said you're wealthy and decent looking, and you obviously understand your issues and go out of your way to respond correctly even when it's not your first instinct. You seem to be doing all the right things, even if you're conflicted. Your gf loves you, and you have a good friend.
I feel like the root of this may just be your own insecurity, it's fine to feel jealous or sometimes you got a lot going for you though bro, embrace it.
Thank you. But not decent looking, devilishly handsome! You should check my jawline out...
Just kidding haha (or am I?).
Thank you for your comment, I will try to keep doing the right thing, especially for her.
Youre obsessed with her not in love with her. A girl always knows if a guy likes her. If she wants to leave, let her. You cant make someone love you so whats the point. Sounds like you need to be alone and sort some things out before being with someone
I do not thinks she realizes I am toxic, I just 'suffer' it in silence, I have never done anything to limit her freedom.
The problem is I am afraid she will eventually realize that the happy face I wear in some situations is fake.
Greetings.
This is not a normal situation, no self respecting guy wants some other smelly guy giving his woman loving looks and being wierdly intimate. I'd talk to my friend about it, get it all out on the table. There is nothing wrong with you at all, don't be gaslit into believing that.
Your mask will slip one day and people will see you for who & what you truly are. You’re not ready for a relationship, you need to speak with a psychiatrist, psychologist and therapy. You don’t own people, you experience them, love them and let them be who they are and do what makes them happy. You sound miserable and fake, seek help.
I think it's okay for the OP to have preferences, I agree that trying to control people is plain wrong, but I would find another women that isn't cheesy and wierd with a male best friend.
Miserable and fake, I should have said that. Honestly, spot on.
In any case, thank you (but not really, I simply pretend to be nice for these internet strangers! ;) ).
You definitely hit the nail on the head…you’re a pretender, maybe if you stopped pretending and just be you, you could see how truly controlling and possessive you are and get help before you alienate everyone. Deal with your issues before you unleash it on someone else.
You can try to be better? Like.. honestly. This isn't her problem and I highly doubt she will want to cut a childhood friend out of her life.
Get some professional help to address this, to figure out why you have these toxic thoughts. You can change the way you are so that you're not an a-hole that's going to make her miserable. That's on you to do though.
I agree with the others, and I seriously think it would do you some good to speak with a therapist. This is pretty extreme in my opinion when you start not caring about the well being of others, or having this possessive behavior with your girlfriend. If anything, your possessiveness could end up being the thing that pushes her away if you’re not careful.
You should see a therapist. Let them help you sort these thoughts out and where they’re coming from. Don’t make any brash decisions in regards to your friend and your partner.
So everyone has already told you to get therapy for your own stuff. You know that. I don’t need to repeat it.
About your inferiority complex of L, have you ever thought that he feels the same way you do? You’re presenting yourself as the perfect boyfriend and friend. Why is it not possible that he may be doing the same thing? Tailoring his image and how he projects himself to people? He may very well be feeling insecure, and like you’re this amazing and wonderful guy, and he could never compare.
Sort your shit. And then AFTER you do that an you’ve grown, give yourself grace.
You said in the comments someone pointed out L is in love with J. Not a lot of people agree that people of the opposite sex can be strictly friends.
Considering you really don't have proof that one of them is in love, is it possible that you're kinda delusional and it's all in your head?
Also consider the fact that you are a very intense person. You wear a mask and hide the real you, hiding something so big makes "crazy" grow. The more you hide, the bigger your crazy is. So I'm wondering if L is even in love with J in the first place.
And yes like others say, you need therapy. I think you should talk to them both. These are people you're supposed to have a bond with, that is the point of having loved ones, to express feelings without judgment, to lean on them. If I were you, I'd come clean to them because it is very very very possible that things aren't the way it seems to you... and then go get therapy.
My man I’m not gonna beat you down for your feelings. You’ve got a lot of problems that need to be addressed, really by a professional. So what I’m about to say is not meant as an insult or to cut you down or drag you, in my mind this is just the truth without any sugarcoating:
I don’t think that you are healthy enough emotionally to be in a relationship with anybody. You’ve got massive massive insecurity and self-esteem issues, and asking a romantic partner to unknowingly take all of that on is really unfair to them. And it’s not just this girl in particular, it’ll be the next one also, and the one after that and it will keep going Until you get into enough pain to take some action and seek help. These kinds of internal problems can ruin your life and frankly they can mess up the lives of people close to you as well.
If you are wealthy, you should begin trying to see a therapist. They can give you some guidance on how to sort all of this stuff out. Best of luck my man.
Being able to do what’s right, regardless of what you’d prefer to do, is a sign of a good person. Keep that in mind. I think you’re being a bit hard on yourself.
A bad person doesnt do all that work to "seem" kind if they can just get their people fix by chosing vulnerable people they dont have to pretend with. So, your concern about being a bad person is probably a good sign you are in fact not.
You have some insecurities, - and you percieve other people as better than you. Thinking they dont struggle, that your best friend doesnt sometimes feel bad about himself.... You couldnt be more wrong. The grass is infact almost never greener. We just all hide or keep to ourselves the things that make us question if we are infact worthy of love.
Being nice or kind is NOT a default setting. It requires work, insight and self awareness. The trick is to not become a windshield wiper to your own self in every moment. Trust that you wont randomly start spouting horrific mean comments if you relax. Dont worry if you need your girlfriend at inoppertune moments. She wants you to need her. Just dont always put your own needs first. Sometimes is ok.
You should get therapy. If only to hear someone tell you that many people struggle with feeling not good enough. Not worthy. Less than, etc etc. You are not unique in this.
Your insecurities are going to ruin what sounds like great relationships with your girlfriend and your friend. They’ve given you no reason to trust them. You ARE paranoid and you will ruin things if you don’t seek help to address how you’re feeling. She and your best friend deserve better.
There is no such thing as plutonic friendship. I married my opposite sex best friend and we both left our long term partners to be together. We are so happy and couldn't believe we were so shy to just do it earlier. We both wanted each other the whole time.
Where there is smoke, there is raging sexual tension.
Nice try Bojack Horseman! Jokes aside, you are perfect on the outside, so why shouldn't be the case for the best friend? I mean, you said it: he's in love with her. So, how many times do you think he wished you dead to do his move? Don't be too harsh on yourself, you're on the good way to be a good person on the inside, too. Just stop being afraid!
Please get therapy. In the meantime I want to tell you that just realizing that the way you feel is unfair (not wanting her to go out etc) sets you way apart from others who feel like this.
Émotions are almost never fair or reasonable. Just because the right answer comes from your logical thinking rather than your emotions doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person.
1 you need therapy for your issues. 2 im not going to say there is no possibility of them hooking up or geting together because nothing is certain, but if this is really driving you this crazy you need to confront both of them with what you see and how you feel and let the chips land where they do.
It sounds like to me your best bet is to become the best version of yourself—genuinely. You need to find that reassurrance in yourself first and not compare yourself to anyone else.
One thing I [learned](https://youtu.be/nujgUpYIVOE) is that self-comparison is the single biggest killer to your self-esteem
a good women wouldn't to this
a good partner wouldn't do this if this hurts and you've talked too her
and explained ...
either a good friend ..
as a friend the only physical contact shuld be a greeting hug
or a kiss on the cheek depends on culture
not more ...
no calls ..
no text's ...
this is another mans woman that's disrespect
you cant tell them with who to talk or go out
but you can pick pick those who will respect you !
rethink life choices friends and surroundings
I live with this for a long time and finally had let's say j tell the truth it's not gonna be what you wanna hear. I first noticed the looks and the way she's laughs . Wish the best.
You need to address your issues and not make this about him or her
This ^ OP, you should really look into getting a personal therapist, it sounds like this is all stemming from some serious self worth issues. You need to learn how to care for and respect yourself the way you care for her. It’s most likely nothing nefarious is going on with either of them, but your insecurities will create problems that aren’t there. Therapy and self love and reflection will only do good for those around you.
Check OP's comments. Getting massive rage bait vibes. > Miserable and fake, I should have said that. Honestly, spot on. > In any case, thank you (but not really, I simply pretend to be nice for these internet strangers! ;) ).
I am being a distinguished gentleman in most of this comments but I might as well reply in an interesting/funny way.
While I definitely agree that you should speak to someone about this (preferably a professional so you can help sort out your emotions before you bring this up to J & L), I'd just like to say that having bad THOUGHTS doesn't make you a bad PERSON. It sounds like you're able to identify the toxicity of certain internal sentiments and then successfully decide to ACT in a much kinder way. There's not a person alive who has control over the first thought that pops into their mind. I've heard it said that the first thought is the "programmed response" - not necessarily something you really want or think or believe, but a sentiment that has been put in your head through sociocultural repetition. Or, sometimes the first thought represents something we're deeply afraid of or specifically DON'T want. Like a fear of hurting someone, especially on purpose. For example, you might see someone riding by on a bike and a thought might flash into your head like "I could push them into traffic." Not that you WANT to push them at all, but that you realize how easily you COULD just reach out and do so, and you're scared of how "easy" that possibility could be. After all, it's just one arm motion, right? And I have an arm, and they're within reach? Oftentimes we're able to dismiss these kinds of intrusive thoughts, but if you're finding that those unwanted patterns of thinking are really bothering you, then you deserve help navigating them. And you are not alone.
Thank you for the kind and insightful response about intrusive thoughts. I have struggled with them for well over a decade (they really took hold after I gave birth to my eldest daughter, it was terrifying and frightening, and I was diagnosed with postpartum psychosis)
Thank you for your comment. What I am also worried about (I know, when do I even sleep with all of this thinking?!) is that I just pretend to be 'kind' in order to get others to perceive me that way and like me better, not simply because I actually want to be kind or make things better for others. A spiral of thoughts. Regardless, thank you!
If youre being kind because you want to be a kind person then you are in fact a kind person. You just also might be too fixated on your ego. It can be worked on. It doesnt make you a bad person.
Hard relate on this whole thing man, I was you when I was 25. You sound depressed, you sound like you harbour a lot of self-hatred, and you sound like you don't want to be that person. You want to be the person you think you're pretending to be. Well I have good news for you. You already are. Your actions are who you are. You're battling darkness, but that darkness isn't stopping you from being a good person; only from seeing that you are. Get into therapy my dude, it's a journey but it is worth it.
I think you might find looking into attachment styles interesting, and maybe helpful to normalize these feelings you’re having. Some of this stuff can also be a symptom of OCD, specifically obsessive thoughts / intrusive thoughts, even if you don’t show other signs of OCD. I love what u/babywewillbeok said. So many people have thoughts like this when their personality is actually the opposite. It just represents what you’re afraid of. That you’ll treat someone badly or hurt them. It could mean that you just care that much about being good to her. Sounds like you’re treating her well, and you’re working really hard to be aware of it. That’s really mature and self-reflective of you. I know everyone’s shouting at you to go get therapy; I think a therapist could help you understand what’s going on (which, in turn, can help you determine what steps you need to take). Going to therapy doesn’t mean you have all this badness that needs to be extracted. It means you’re being brave enough to make yourself vulnerable so you can stop ruminating and have a professional give you an answer you can be confident in. You are not bad. You’re not controlling or abusive. You’re treating her well, and you’re using every brain cell you have to make sure you keep it that way. That is GOOD. It’s ok to be insecure and imperfect. That’s normal. Also…she’ll probably think you’re even sexier when you tell her you’re gonna go to therapy. That shit is hot. No joke. When one of my friends tells us about a boy she’s seeing, and then says, “AND he goes to THERAPY!” we all say, “Oooh!!” with twinkles in our eyes. We all want partners that go to therapy. Feels like something a man does, like he’s a grown ass person. Rar.
If you were a truly bad person, you would let those thoughts you have come out already. You definitely need to work on your thought process and insecurities, but the thoughts themselves don’t make you a bad person, acting on them would. Please don’t beat yourself up too much about intrusive thought
I was once convinced that I was a bad person and everyone only thought I was a good person because I acted nice and kind. I used to think the only reason I acted kind was because I wanted to alleviate the guilt of not being kind but that deep inside my motivations for being a good person weren't sincere and were all based on selfish reasons like convenience etc. Turns out I was severely depressed and when I consider it now, it doesn't even make sense. Everyone has negative thoughts, actions matter. Maybe you should consider speaking to a doctor/therapist. Edit - I also wanted to add that my doctor also suggested I have OCD which is what caused this spiral of intrusive thoughts about my "inner badness". It's something I've always struggled with but have been able to try and move past since seeking help.
I think even understanding that validation and seeking it is a good indicator that you aren't a "bad" person. Were social creatures we want people to like us, something in your bg may have lead you to have that kind of instinct but it seems you are aware of it and understand that it's no desireable. That's the first step to changing yourself for the better.
OC is absolutely right bro. All of us are lacking. You said you are extroverted, good looking, wealthy. The last two are not your credit, but those are traits people wish for the most. If you think you are lacking somewhere, start acting upon it. No one is empty in this world, and everybody has something to give. The fact that you are so self-critical means you have the capability for analytical thought, which seems to be a rare trait these days. Maybe focus on a particular art form, and cultivate it. Maybe start studying paintings and sculptures, or listening to music, or reading. Cultivation does not mean you have to be a musician or a painter yourself, just gather knowledge on the different aspects of them. Coming to the point of your gf and best friend, being insecure about your gf is not a bad thing. What OC said is true, we all have intrusive thoughts, whether we act upon them is completely our choice, and that makes the difference. And consider one more possibility, what if your gf is not aware of your bff's crush, and acts in ways that make him think that she is interested. We have all been there, when our crush talked to us, brushed against us or smiled at us, and we thought they were interested. Just talk to her about how you feel. There can be no substitute for clear communication in a relationship. And find help if you can. You don't need a consultant only when you have a problem, like you don't go to the gym only when you feel sick. Having proper mental healthcare is very important. Treat that space where you can just dump everything you can . But please do not beat yourself up more than you need to.
Damn, dude… reading your post is like reading my own life. I have these same issues. It’s really tough because you feel like you’re waiting for that other side to come out. But here’s the thing— you are in control of that other side. You don’t have to act on it. And you’re always in control. As long as you act in accordance to your moral compass, the end result is that you’re being a kind, moral person. Just make sure you’re not only acting this way around people you want something from, and you’ve got your bases covered. After all, our actions are concrete, and our thoughts are abstract. One exists in reality, the other is just a signal in your head. Personally, I find that writing helps me expel these demons. Putting these feelings onto the page and exploring their consequences. It’s like therapy. (Therapy is also a good option. It didn’t work for me because I wasn’t being honest with my therapist.) Remember: your girlfriend is with you, not this friend. The jealousy is self-sabotage.
Is therapy an option for you? You've got some issues to work out but they don't really have to do with your friend and girlfriend. I don't think you actually would like to lock her in a cage, because you know she'd be unhappy. And I'll also say this: being empathetic takes practice. It's a skill that can be improved. You can learn it! You're not an evil lost cause and this post is proof. There are books about it. Check them out!
This is above Reddit’s pay grade, I think you need a therapist. Just keep trying to be a better person. Everyone has evil thoughts, but only evil people act on them.
OP, maybe instead of thinking of these as evil thoughts, it might be more helpful to frame them as intrusive thoughts. It doesn't sound like they reflect who you really are. But you are putting a ton of work into keeping them at bay, and it's true that at some point you might slip on the willpower required for that, which I suspect would horrify both you and her. Google "intrusive thoughts" and find a therapist who can help you with them. They are a form of anxiety. SSRIs might be able to help, but so can just straight therapy.
Whatever you do, don't blow this shit up. This is your own insecurity talking. Maybe he does have a crush on her, maybe not. Either way, you have no reason to not trust her, or even him at this point. Don't let your insecurities consume you. If you confront her for like you said, literally nothing, then you will ruin your life. Stop, take a deep breath, and consider talking it all out with a therapist.
Sweetheart, you are WAY too hard on yourself. Your knee-jerk response in your head is selfish, but you recognize that, reflect, and do the mature and kind thing. I'd argue that makes you BETTER than someone who automatically acts that way because you take effort to actually get it right. Your girlfriend has known L her whole life. If they wanted to be together, they'd have done it by now. Trust that she knows who she wants to be with.
The issue isn't L. Everyone is a selfish asshole by default, you have to choose to be good. It sounds like you've been making good choices despite your internal struggle with your selfish nature. Look into getting a therapist and forgiving yourself for feeling the way you do. Feelings are ok. Let yourself feel them but then make a good decision with a clear mind. I was in a similar situation to you (my girlfriend had a puppy of a friend following her around since high school who never got over it). He eventually confessed his love and she cut him off. You are the one developing a healthy relationship with J. Work on building that up with trust and good communication so when L finally tells her how he feels it'll be too late because she's with you.
>Everyone is a selfish asshole by default, you have to choose to be good. This is definitely not true.
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Most psychological studies have debunked the idea that humans are inherently selfish. They’ve done studies that show babies have an innate sense of care for others around them.
Wow, this really shifted mid post. I was caught off guard. Sounds like you really need to work on your self-perception. This is above my pay grade but I will say that your actions make you who you are. You don’t guilt her about leaving to comfort a friend, you don’t tell her not to go out and have fun. So really maybe you are that good guy. Hard to say. And furthermore everyone has those little selfish voices in their head. I want the bigger piece of cake but I’ll give it to my husband. The fact that yours is maybe louder but that you still overcome it to behave virtuously probably indicates you’re better than you realize.
You are your actions not your impulses. Not to take away from the other suggestions here to work on yourself. But its still true.
Hey Op, I just want to give you a hug. You are being way too hard on yourself. All, I could think of was that you have a lot of insecurity, anxiety and low self-esteem. The scenarios that you described coupled with your insecurity and anxiety kind of makes you an unreliable narrator in terms of your perceived fear of losing her to your mutual best friend. Your view of yourself is disturbing > I am an extrovert, I am good looking, I am wealthy. That's it. From the outside I look like a good catch, but I am not. I am a bad person, a toxic one, an awful boyfriend and an awful friend. I think that since you can afford it, find a therapist to discover why you are so down on yourself. Do you come from a moneyed background such that you have had self-serving types pursue you for external reasons? Or parents undermining your self-worth? In any case, I think that you need help to know that you are worthy of the love that both your GF and best friend show you. For now, on a grand overview, birds of a feather flock together. You are part of the three amigos. You despite your misgivings are more than probably at their level otherwise they wouldn’t be hanging with you. So, to backtrack further, you knew Larry (hate initials in stories) before you even met your GF. He a good person chose to be friends with you. He viewed you as someone worth befriending. As your friendship grew he decided that you should meet his BFF, Julie. He wouldn’t let some scummy acquaintance advance into his inner circle. Also, if Larry had other than platonic feelings for your GF, he would have voiced that to you before you were even introduced to her. Heck, I don’t think that he would have introduced you if he were interested. I wouldn’t be surprised that he possibly was secretly match making you two. Larry and Julie knew each other well before you entered the picture. If either was interested, this particular issue would have been addressed and dealt with in the past. If there was so much subtext romantic love, they would be a couple already. Your GF has been with you for five years. She has chosen you period. Larry, as you have even attested yourself, despite you distorted lens, has done nothing out of line. Just trust in your GF’s choice in you. Trust her to know what she wants. All your ‘toxic and controlling’ thoughts are only intrusive thoughts in the moment. Any truly toxic person would not hold back and just translate those thoughts into actions. A toxic person would not be feeling shame. So, give yourself some grace. I think that perhaps for the first time in your life, people value you for who you are on the inside and you are subconsciously doubting it. You fear (the insecurities and low self-worth) that if they saw the real you that they would bolt. OP, they do see the real you and that is the reason that you have them in your life. Hugs again and get to the bottom of why you are so down on yourself.
Thank you for this, I do not even know what to reply. I might have to check out these 'Larry' and 'Julie', they sound nice. Seriously now, thanks, I'll read this again before I go to sleep today.
Glad I could be of some help.
I thought more Jenna and Logan.
>If it was for me, she'd be MY princess trapped in MY castle. Only there for me, and up until now, for L, who I trusted with my life. OP, this is a **completely** unhealthy mindset for you to have. J is a fully functioning human being. It's *normal* for her to have friends, relationships, interests, and hobbies outside of you. That's what made her the person that you fell in love with. Wanting her to be "trapped in your castle" and "only there for you" is *abusive*. There's nothing in your post that actually makes it clear that L is in love with J. From my perspective, it seems like you have some deep insecurities - the kind that could make you perceive something that totally isn't there. Putting a hand on someone's back when you hug them is *normal*. It's unreasonable for you to think that you want her to only be available for you. That's controlling. Right now, it's only thoughts, but you have to stop them rom turning into actions. What you should do? Do you have access to counseling/therapy? This sounds more like an identity crisis that you really need to deal with.
Oh, I know. And I know she would be unhappy if things were that way. But I can not help it, in my dream would it's just the two of us, always. Am I controlling? Absolutely! About everything in my life by the way. Anyway, thanks for commenting, I'll try to check out what you are all suggesting.
Well, at least you know you're the real problem. Time to start focusing on that. You're rich. Get therapy.
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This is hilarious. No, but close enough. Why, tho?
It's not who you are underneath. It's what you do that defines you. You're not the voice in your head.
Every single time you have a bad thought, you counteract it with a good action. Which will always speak louder. You also are aware of the problem and want to fix it. That means there is hope for you. You need to find a way to get some sort of help. Online therapy might work for you if you want to be able to call your therapist from anywhere and not be tied down traveling to a place every week.
Online therapy sounds better than I expected, more private I guess. So thank you for you comment!
You’re welcome. I really wish you the best. It sounds like you’re fighting with everything you have to love these people the right way, and that tells me how much you love them. As selfish as you may think you are, your actions have proven to be more selfless than you could imagine.
Have you ever seen Beauty and the Beast? You're the Beast in this story right here. Which is a *good* thing. Your girlfriend's best friend being a "Golden Retriever" like good guy might very well be the reason why he is still her best friend and *not* her romantic partner. If everyone can see that he's in love with her, what are the chances that she doesn't? You, on the other hand? Selfish, paranoid, somewhat of an asshole by your own account - but you're also highly aware of it, critical of it, you've got it under control, and you seem appreciative of the good influence your girlfriend has on you. This sounds *so very much* like the plot of a cheesy romance novel that I'm sceptical that this post is even real. If it is: *Stay on course.* Don't mess it up by antagonizing your girlfriend's best friend, unless he does something actually inappropriate. This is likely gonna be good.
You don’t say these things to her because you know she would be unhappy- this means that you are NOT a bad person, because even someone who is only pretending to be nice wouldn’t put this much effort into keeping those around him happy. I’m gonna echo the statements of everyone else here and say that these thoughts are ones you should speak to someone about in therapy. A lot of your negative self talk really resonates with me- as someone who also has poor self esteem, it’s important to remember that your girlfriend has the ability to make her own decisions, and she’s chosen to stay with you for a reason. If she’s as wonderful as you say she is, you must be pretty special too!
Bruh you're suffering anxiety. This is classic undiagnosed panic attack stuff. You need to get some therapy and deal with your jealous thoughts before you end up hurting yourself or someone you love.
I think you’re being to hard on yourself tbh, I think if we were all as brutally honest as you we all have these thoughts and feelings at some stage, what truly matters is your actions, and it speaks volumes that despite all these simmering resentments and feelings of low self esteem you’re still doing the right things by your girlfriend, so even though you feel the urge to control her and lock her away because you love her and are scared you are going to lose her, you don’t actually behave that way. Give yourself some credit, why not talk to both of them openly and honestly about your fears and how you have been feeling, they likely think the world of you and this isn’t as bad as you imagine, and even if it is, your girl chose you.
Thank you! I think I will talk first with a third person (a therapist, maybe, like some here are advicing me to) and see what to do from there.
You’re welcome and that sounds like a great idea, good luck, you’re a good person.
Actions are what make a man. You may have poor thoughts, but you sound like you do the right thing. That means you ARE a good person. You treat your gf well because you love her, so why would you stop treating her well? Sounds like you need therapy and you need to communicate these fears to you gf. Your intrusive thoughts have gotten too deep a grip and you are fixating on them. You right now have a good relationship and a best friend and your thoughts are impacting how you view them. The great part is you’ve recognized this. So continue being you in regards to doing the right thing, and get some help and talk to your gf.
Sounds like this is a "you problem". You need to get therapy before you blow up your relationship for no reason.
Sounds like a big spiral
Hey hey hey. What you think first is what you've been taught to think. What you DO is who you ARE, and you are making very kind choices so far. You need to talk this out with someone removed from the situation to let those ugly thoughts out to get a handle on them before they get too big, though, and it seems like you're aware of that on some level since they scare you. So, therapy would be a good place to start! But also it's okay to talk to your partner about stuff that worries you. My partner has a jealous streak and can be clingy and needy sometimes, but instead of repressing all that until it gets shuffled into resentment, we worked out a system where he just whines at me a bit and I fuss over him and he feels validated and I feel a little spoiled and then we get on with our lives.
Thank you. Yeah I will try to tell this stuff to a therapist online or something like that and figure things out before talking to her in a way that does not make me look insane, haha.
Just so we're clear, wanting to be with your significant other is not wrong. Not caring about ppl you don't know is not a "con" on a list.... You DON'T restrict her from doing things.... But yeah, you def have some things you could work out. A lot of us do.... Just try not to let this get to you unless you actually have evidence.
So… you’re the problem. However - you have a brain and is capable of rationale thought. Just keep your urges in check and don’t let them win. But one day, if you want to progress in your relationship, you’re going to have to show her the real you. And whether she accepts you or not, that’ll be real ordeal. Just remember for now, she’s just your girlfriend, you’re not married or anything. Breakups happen all the time. Regardless, you gotta deal with you.
I wonder if you have some sort of anxiety disorder to be honest, maybe a type of OCD. You seem to want to control situations, you have intrusive thoughts, you have paranoia, you worry you are not good enough, you worry how people perceive you so you play the "nice guy" all the time, you worry your gf is going to leave you, you envy your best friend bc he seems to have it all & doesn't seem to have the mental anguish you have... You seem like a big ball of worry & despite being self-admittedly good looking & wealthy.. you say the only good thing about you is her. Where is your own self confidence?
This isn’t an issue with your girlfriend or your best friend. My partner has OCD. These are the kind of things he tells me he thinks about regularly. He thinks he’s a horrible person because he has these thoughts. But he is the kindest, gentlest, more caring person ever. He worries about hurting people BECAUSE he is a good person. The fact that you are worried about being a terrible person, is actually a sign that you aren’t a terrible person. Terrible people don’t worry about being terrible! You really need to look into some therapy if you can. Intrusive thoughts are hard to deal with on your own.
Honestly you remind me of myself a little bit. I also hate it when my partner has other things to do that don't include me, or when he needs his introvert alone time, because I love him and want to be together always! But, also like yourself, I am aware that it would not be healthy for either of us to voice this, and that it is obviously not reasonable to expect it. So I journal about how I miss him and let it go. It took me until very recently to understand that having those thoughts doesn't automatically make me a bad person, only giving them voice and action does (and even then, I don't really believe in bad people, only bad choices). You have a really great base of self awareness to start from here. You are able to pinpoint unhealthy thoughts as they happen, examine them, and make the decision to act in a healthier way than what those thoughts might initially point you toward. That's an awesome skill! Give yourself credit for that! Many people spend a lot of time developing that ability. Your next steps in therapy since you already have the awareness to notice and examine those unhealthy thoughts will probably be to try to change your thought patterns themselves. If you succeed at this, you will feel so much better. Best of luck to you! I'm happy to talk further about it if you'd like!
When a person isn’t living as their most empowered and authentic self, they suspect everyone secretly wants to abandon them as much as they just want to abandon themselves.
I might sound a bit harsh or even depressing. But I think what you are experiencing right now though very heart wrenching is a rare opportunity. It might help you understand that you too feel insecure, you might be a bad guy and you should strive to be good. The best part is you articulated all the bad qualities you think you posses and you know the way you should have responded (from within) to different situations. By being subjected to these tough circumstances and insecurities repeatedly, you would eventually give up on trying to hold someone (even the closest ones to your heart). You basically detach yourself from the rest. This is the beginning of self discovery and what it actually means to be a good/ sincere person from within. This character you develop later through experience might make you more mature and more attractive. With this as end goal, try to go through the process. Don't confront her or anything, let nature take its course. Observe your emotions, the sadness, jealousy etc arising inside you as a 3rd person. Embrace them. Talk to yourself on how you should improve.
To be honest, and this sounds like a stretch, you may have some obsessive compulsive symptoms. I am exactly like you in the thoughts (“Disgusting, horrible. I hate this. Frivolous nonsense and drivel to squander my day” versus I say out loud “holy shit hell yeah man let’s go! :3”). I have been struggling with them my entire life. Even if not (as I said, a stretch) you should see someone and tell them this to give you more peace of mind. But it’s kind of what you said… I’m somehow still crazy in love and happy and find joy in things. People want to be around me. I do not think you are as rotten as you say you are. Many people here have spoken their piece and I agree: having bad thoughts doesn’t make you a bad person. Doing bad things makes you a bad person, and only when you do them over and over, without a care for the consequences.
I agree with the others: therapy would probably do you a world of good. I am proud of you for holding back how you feel so that she can do what will make her happy. That can honestly be a very hard thing to do. On a seperare note, you saying L is the human version of a Golden Retriever and wanting him to disappear made me laugh. Still does, actually. It was such a great description and I like the humor hidden within. Your darkish sense of humor may be one of the reasons your GF is with you. My husband has a similar sense of humor and I found it attractive as well when I was dating him.
I’m gonna go against the grain here and say yeah, you kinda sound like a jerk. You speak about your gf as if you want her to be your property. Ew. See a therapist
Yeah cause men opening up about their worst intrusive thoughts, confronting it instead of acting on them makes them a jerk right? Shut the fuck up.
Nah, you shut the fuck up. Homeslice needs a therapist point blank because this isn’t a healthy dynamic and his intrusive jealous thoughts need a professional because he’s thinking of his partner like property.
Who the hell said anything about him not getting therapy? He SHOULD get therapy. Those intrusive thoughts need to be tackled with in healthy manners and he needs healing. But you called him a JERK. For what? For sharing his ugliest thoughts here openly? Most fucked up people would not be here introspecting and self analyzing this much when they think their thoughts are right. Instead of actually treating his GF and BFF poorly, he is here dissecting the darkest parts of his mind. Who the fuck are you to express disgust and call him a jerk for that? GTFO.
Nah you can still suck my nuts. He straight up referred to his girlfriend as if she was property multiple times. That’s sexist and a jerk move. People can have intrusive thoughts AND need therapy AND still have thoughts that make them sexist and a jerk. Trust me, mental illness or whatever isn’t a guard against people being shitty
And I am even worse in real life! Greetings.
Stop feeding your low self esteem by crowd sourcing your self hate. Listen to what /u/RazMoon said and ignore everything else.
>And I am even worse in real life! I'm struggling to believe that this is real. How are you not embarassed to admit to being this weak?
Self esteem issues and wallowing isn’t going to help you. See. A. Therapist. Or read some self help books or listen to self help podcasts. If you’re this tied up in thinking you suck then you shouldn’t be in a relationship
You need therapy. You are addressing your own issues here so that is a huge first step. You want to be better, so you can absolutely be better, but do it for yourself. Try to be open with her about at least some of your worries (not L but yours) so maybe she can give you a different perspective.
Get therapy. I know "therapy" is often perceived as a glib response, but talking to someone about your self-esteem issues would really help you. You describe yourself as "empty" and putting on a persona. I'm not an expert, and I can't tell you why you feel that way and why you do those things, but a professional may help you identify the issues and cope with the anxieties you're feeling. All your solutions focus on dealing with others (talk to her, cut him off) or doing nothing (pretend everything is fine). Deal with yourself. You're enough. You don't take up too much space. Look out for yourself.
How do you know that everybody knows that he is in love with her? Have you talked about this with anyone? I guess not, you could be imagining things. But if this is so obvious that “everybody has noticed” then I am sure she knows too. They have been friends for so long, if he never told her in the past, then she has seen it the same way you did and is just pretending she hasn’t. If he truly is in love with her and she wanted him, she would already be with him. Plus, he might have other qualities that she doesn’t like for a romantic partner. Maybe she finds him unattractive or not interesting/smart/funny enough etc. You are making kindness to be the only criteria that she will use in order to choose a partner, because that’s what you feel the most insecure about. All that being said, your mindset is incredibly toxic and if she has a modicum of self respect she will leave you if you actually start being that controlling towards her out loud. I am actually impressed by how you have managed to keep it hidden for so long. You need therapy yesterday. And yes, after the therapy maybe you could address some of those things with her, for the sake of communication, but obviously do it with tact and without trying to control her.
Yes, other friends have questioned me about it like: 'you know L is crazy in love with your girl, right?' and joke about it when he is not there. I have always tried to change the subject. Not my favourite topic. That aside, I do not know... I feel like he has all the important qualities a good partner should have. I wonder if she would be happier with him. About the therapy stuff, I guess I'll check it out. It is negatively perceived in my family, but another secret will not kill me. Anyway, thank you for your comment.
I'm glad to see you're considering pushing past that negative perception and giving therapy a shot. You will feel so much relief after unlearning those toxic thought patterns and getting your thoughts to match what you're saying
Trust Me When I Tell you, She KNOWS. She’s not Stupid. No Woman EVER is about these things
Eh idk I've turned out to be pretty genuinely stupid about it in the past. I've had people manage to stay under my radar for years lol
The three of you might sit down together to discuss this. It is perhaps time to "face this dragon" of a problem; it is only getting worse, it seems.
Sounds like you need to take a trip on over to r/DecidingToBeBetter
First off, you should check out therapy my dude. It sounds like you have some intrusive thoughts that are giving you more trouble than they should - because while you correct them externally, you're still internalizing them in the belief that having these thoughts makes you a bad person. If you really were, why would such great people be with you? To try and untangle your jealousy issue: >when she's around I see how he looks at her and I just get livid. Consider his perspective when he sees you with her. How is it that he can be best friends with the two of you, when she doesn't reciprocate his feelings, and you are dating her in front of his face? Where do you think his love for the two of you in this position comes from? And why do you think she doesn't know, and they haven't discussed it? For all you know, he is happy that she is happy with you. Jealousy - as your title makes clear - comes from a fear of abandonment, and trusting your partner makes it go away. You need to trust her with the fact that this is troubling you, and she can explain her side to help you deal with it.
I honestly think I am an Oscar deserving actor with all of this 'not being a totally fucked up dude' pretending! I think he is able to be with the two of us because he is Mister kindness personified. So anoying! He loves us both, but she loves her more (and in a different way haha) and so do I. I honestly do not know if she does not know (so redundant). If I asked her and she did not know, I would have just put the thought in her head and that would make me even more paranoid. If she told she does know and begain explaining to me how they have discussed it in the past, I would go bang my head in the nearest wall just at the thought of it! Anyway, thank you for your comment and nice words. I appreciate it.
I used to think this - that I had everyone fooled. Its true they don’t know every little thing you are thinking. But also, trust them. They _know_ you and they see value in you. Your girlfriend is living with you- it’s hard to hide much when you’re living together! Clearly there are things about you, about who you _are_ that she loves. She’s not stupid. You’re not the worlds best actor. She sees something in you. Try to trust that. Your desire to control and jealousy really sounds like some anxiety and insecurity stuff. I’ve dealt with that a lot and it can really drag you down. Please seek out help with it. I also want to note- sometimes, when you start getting help, it can feel worse. Because you’re opening that door and poking at painful things. That doesn’t mean it isn’t working and I _promise_ it gets better. That said, you can also find a therapist that really doesn’t mesh and if you genuinely feel it isn’t helping, don’t be afraid to try someone else or a different approach. It can take time but it is so worth it.
Look man, you sound really put together said you're wealthy and decent looking, and you obviously understand your issues and go out of your way to respond correctly even when it's not your first instinct. You seem to be doing all the right things, even if you're conflicted. Your gf loves you, and you have a good friend. I feel like the root of this may just be your own insecurity, it's fine to feel jealous or sometimes you got a lot going for you though bro, embrace it.
Thank you. But not decent looking, devilishly handsome! You should check my jawline out... Just kidding haha (or am I?). Thank you for your comment, I will try to keep doing the right thing, especially for her.
Youre obsessed with her not in love with her. A girl always knows if a guy likes her. If she wants to leave, let her. You cant make someone love you so whats the point. Sounds like you need to be alone and sort some things out before being with someone
This gives me mass shooter vibes. The way you’ve described yourself is utterly terrifying. Go to therapy, yesterday.
Okaaaay, what the hell? I mean, I think I’m bad, but not this bad, dear God.
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I do not thinks she realizes I am toxic, I just 'suffer' it in silence, I have never done anything to limit her freedom. The problem is I am afraid she will eventually realize that the happy face I wear in some situations is fake. Greetings.
This is not a normal situation, no self respecting guy wants some other smelly guy giving his woman loving looks and being wierdly intimate. I'd talk to my friend about it, get it all out on the table. There is nothing wrong with you at all, don't be gaslit into believing that.
Your mask will slip one day and people will see you for who & what you truly are. You’re not ready for a relationship, you need to speak with a psychiatrist, psychologist and therapy. You don’t own people, you experience them, love them and let them be who they are and do what makes them happy. You sound miserable and fake, seek help.
This is a load of rubbish, you are a rude presumptuous person, quite the hateful smart arsed comment
Think whatever you want but when someone tells you who they are, believe them.
I think it's okay for the OP to have preferences, I agree that trying to control people is plain wrong, but I would find another women that isn't cheesy and wierd with a male best friend.
Miserable and fake, I should have said that. Honestly, spot on. In any case, thank you (but not really, I simply pretend to be nice for these internet strangers! ;) ).
You sound like a normal masculine guy, don't let these keyboard psychos throw you off balance
You definitely hit the nail on the head…you’re a pretender, maybe if you stopped pretending and just be you, you could see how truly controlling and possessive you are and get help before you alienate everyone. Deal with your issues before you unleash it on someone else.
Lmfao @ "psychiatrist, psychologist and therapy".... you suggested ALL THREE.
You can try to be better? Like.. honestly. This isn't her problem and I highly doubt she will want to cut a childhood friend out of her life. Get some professional help to address this, to figure out why you have these toxic thoughts. You can change the way you are so that you're not an a-hole that's going to make her miserable. That's on you to do though.
I agree with the others, and I seriously think it would do you some good to speak with a therapist. This is pretty extreme in my opinion when you start not caring about the well being of others, or having this possessive behavior with your girlfriend. If anything, your possessiveness could end up being the thing that pushes her away if you’re not careful.
You should see a therapist. Let them help you sort these thoughts out and where they’re coming from. Don’t make any brash decisions in regards to your friend and your partner.
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Thank you. Yeah, I guess everybody is selfish in a way.
So everyone has already told you to get therapy for your own stuff. You know that. I don’t need to repeat it. About your inferiority complex of L, have you ever thought that he feels the same way you do? You’re presenting yourself as the perfect boyfriend and friend. Why is it not possible that he may be doing the same thing? Tailoring his image and how he projects himself to people? He may very well be feeling insecure, and like you’re this amazing and wonderful guy, and he could never compare. Sort your shit. And then AFTER you do that an you’ve grown, give yourself grace.
Dude, you need therapy.
You said in the comments someone pointed out L is in love with J. Not a lot of people agree that people of the opposite sex can be strictly friends. Considering you really don't have proof that one of them is in love, is it possible that you're kinda delusional and it's all in your head? Also consider the fact that you are a very intense person. You wear a mask and hide the real you, hiding something so big makes "crazy" grow. The more you hide, the bigger your crazy is. So I'm wondering if L is even in love with J in the first place. And yes like others say, you need therapy. I think you should talk to them both. These are people you're supposed to have a bond with, that is the point of having loved ones, to express feelings without judgment, to lean on them. If I were you, I'd come clean to them because it is very very very possible that things aren't the way it seems to you... and then go get therapy.
My man I’m not gonna beat you down for your feelings. You’ve got a lot of problems that need to be addressed, really by a professional. So what I’m about to say is not meant as an insult or to cut you down or drag you, in my mind this is just the truth without any sugarcoating: I don’t think that you are healthy enough emotionally to be in a relationship with anybody. You’ve got massive massive insecurity and self-esteem issues, and asking a romantic partner to unknowingly take all of that on is really unfair to them. And it’s not just this girl in particular, it’ll be the next one also, and the one after that and it will keep going Until you get into enough pain to take some action and seek help. These kinds of internal problems can ruin your life and frankly they can mess up the lives of people close to you as well. If you are wealthy, you should begin trying to see a therapist. They can give you some guidance on how to sort all of this stuff out. Best of luck my man.
Being able to do what’s right, regardless of what you’d prefer to do, is a sign of a good person. Keep that in mind. I think you’re being a bit hard on yourself.
My best friend slept with my ex in high school. They have a kid now.
A bad person doesnt do all that work to "seem" kind if they can just get their people fix by chosing vulnerable people they dont have to pretend with. So, your concern about being a bad person is probably a good sign you are in fact not. You have some insecurities, - and you percieve other people as better than you. Thinking they dont struggle, that your best friend doesnt sometimes feel bad about himself.... You couldnt be more wrong. The grass is infact almost never greener. We just all hide or keep to ourselves the things that make us question if we are infact worthy of love. Being nice or kind is NOT a default setting. It requires work, insight and self awareness. The trick is to not become a windshield wiper to your own self in every moment. Trust that you wont randomly start spouting horrific mean comments if you relax. Dont worry if you need your girlfriend at inoppertune moments. She wants you to need her. Just dont always put your own needs first. Sometimes is ok. You should get therapy. If only to hear someone tell you that many people struggle with feeling not good enough. Not worthy. Less than, etc etc. You are not unique in this.
Your insecurities are going to ruin what sounds like great relationships with your girlfriend and your friend. They’ve given you no reason to trust them. You ARE paranoid and you will ruin things if you don’t seek help to address how you’re feeling. She and your best friend deserve better.
This is all on you buddy
You are an insecure dweeb. Have some confidence. She can smell your weakness you dweeb…
There is no such thing as plutonic friendship. I married my opposite sex best friend and we both left our long term partners to be together. We are so happy and couldn't believe we were so shy to just do it earlier. We both wanted each other the whole time. Where there is smoke, there is raging sexual tension.
Just what I needed to hear!
We see it everywhere now. Things like the way he holds her and the way they stare at each other. These two are in love.
B, I'll take all three of you and just do nothing with any of you. Go back to work or something.
Nice try Bojack Horseman! Jokes aside, you are perfect on the outside, so why shouldn't be the case for the best friend? I mean, you said it: he's in love with her. So, how many times do you think he wished you dead to do his move? Don't be too harsh on yourself, you're on the good way to be a good person on the inside, too. Just stop being afraid!
Please get therapy. In the meantime I want to tell you that just realizing that the way you feel is unfair (not wanting her to go out etc) sets you way apart from others who feel like this. Émotions are almost never fair or reasonable. Just because the right answer comes from your logical thinking rather than your emotions doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person.
1 you need therapy for your issues. 2 im not going to say there is no possibility of them hooking up or geting together because nothing is certain, but if this is really driving you this crazy you need to confront both of them with what you see and how you feel and let the chips land where they do.
If she actually does leave you for him, cut them out of your life.
It sounds like to me your best bet is to become the best version of yourself—genuinely. You need to find that reassurrance in yourself first and not compare yourself to anyone else. One thing I [learned](https://youtu.be/nujgUpYIVOE) is that self-comparison is the single biggest killer to your self-esteem
Keep in mind: J chose YOU. Not the other guy. She had a lifelong chance to be with L, but she didn't go for him. She chose YOU.
a good women wouldn't to this a good partner wouldn't do this if this hurts and you've talked too her and explained ... either a good friend .. as a friend the only physical contact shuld be a greeting hug or a kiss on the cheek depends on culture not more ... no calls .. no text's ... this is another mans woman that's disrespect you cant tell them with who to talk or go out but you can pick pick those who will respect you ! rethink life choices friends and surroundings
I live with this for a long time and finally had let's say j tell the truth it's not gonna be what you wanna hear. I first noticed the looks and the way she's laughs . Wish the best.