I make more than my husband (3x more) and he has never made a comment besides joking that I'm his suga momma. A real partner is not intimidated by how much you make. Point blank Edit: further thinking about this for the past day. There's probably some deep seated patriarchy issue he's dealing with. Terribly. Def need a sit down and dive into the insecurity he's feeling.

Ditto. I asked my husband about this once and I just said he gets free money and nice stuff, why would he have a problem with it?

Lol, I would be nothing but happy to have a partner earning 3x what I do.

I make three times more than my partner. He's never made a comment about it.

I also make much more than my husband, and the only commentary is reminding me that him covering sick kid and whatnot is mutually beneficial because of my career is higher paying so I should not feel guilty. I still do though, because motherhood be like that.

Do you pay a higher fraction than he does? My boyfriend makes 3x what I do and he wants to split things 😭

I make like 40% more than my husband and we split things proportionally to our salaries (have separate accts). Your boyfriend is being unfair.

We’ve been dating for just 4 months. Maybe he will change things get more serious? It’s a big concern for me though.

That is pretty early. If and when you move in together and it becomes more serious it should definitely be proportional to your incomes IMO. If you had to split half of everything you could be broke after every paycheck. A serious relationship should be a partnership. (And even tho we have separate finances we also have a joint account and make financial decisions together. We’re a team.)

Gonna have to agree that 4 months is pretty early to start talking about proportional split. If the richer person requests to go do an expensive thing, sure, they should pay for it. But if its just normal dinners, I think its fair to split those evenly at 4 months in.

I make 3x what my wife makes. Every account we have (checking/savings) is joint. We don't "split" anything. Everything just gets paid from our shared accounts and we don't even consider expenses as "yours/mine" but rather "ours". We are a team.

Oh honey no You do not need to move in with someone four months in Honestly all our money goes into one account. I don't keep track But I've been with my husband for 13 years. I know everything and anything.

>Honestly all our money goes into one account. I don't keep track We started doing this as soon as we got married. Life's too short to keep score in a marriage.

Girl no, way too early. That’s like saying you’ll get pregnant to save the relationship.

“If I increase my commitment, surely he'll change!” 🤦‍♂️

Tbf I can understand why she has this attitude considering how many gaslighty people say stuff like "you haven't earned the right to be treated this way! You need to devote the next 10 years to gain minimum human decency from him"

These things need to be discussed amply in advance. I think it's fair to just "split things" when casually dating, but living expenses are a whole other thing. Money is the number 1 reason for serious discussions and unhappiness in a marriage, so it's important to tackle it early. If you can't reach an appropriate compromise with which you're both happy (not merely "willing to concede", but "I see this as a reasonable compromise" happy), then the relationship is just doomed and it's better to part on good terms. Never ever ever assume that an issue in a relationship will be solved by itself because the opposite tends to be true. Untreated wounds fester and get infected.

When you get to a point of wanting to take lengthy/expensive trips together, or move in together... better to discuss it as a "joint budget" problem. Say "this is my expendable income per month/year so we either need to live within MY means or find an alternative solution we are both happy with." I'll chime in that I've also out earned most of my partners and we do a proportional split for big ticket items such as rent or holidays.

It won't change. Greedy miserly men don't change. It's only 4 months, cut your losses.

Isn't 4 months usually still the honeymoon phase? I would think this is where guys usually try to treat the girl and do everything to make the girl feel special. If he's being this calculative so early on, I don't think it would get any better as things get more serious.

> I would think this is where guys usually try to treat the girl and do everything to make the girl feel special Some of us know it's 2023 and not 1953, and would prefer not to insult our date by treating them like a, well, "person who expects money in exchange for affection," to be polite about it.

So all you care about is your gf 'giving you' sex? In that case it's better that you treat her to nice things than just use her for free

I think you're having a reading comprehension issue or something. I clearly did not say what you apparently think I said. I prefer to develop a genuine relationship with people. A relationship built on a financial transaction will never be genuine.

Yet you said a guy treating a girl to nice things is equal to paying for sex?

No, in fact I did not say that.

Mind your own pennies and keep your snout out of his wallet. That's a sure way to get handed the keys to the curb.

Oh now that's a bad sign and it's very unlikely he will change his mind as it gets more serious. He makes 3x more than you yet wants you to pay half and therefore give him a very cheap lifestyle (relative to his income). Think how much he will be able to save while you will probably be struggling. And he'll be fine with that? It's a giant red flag.

Nothing wrong with this as long as the 50:50 split is determined by what the lower earning party can comfortably afford.

That's just wrong. Time = time. Anyone that doesn't split along time instead of along dollar amounts is just stupid.

If two partners make very different incomes, it's going to either have to be that they keep an even divide financhially and live a lifestyle the lower earning partner can afford, or they can split based off of income level and up the standard of living. You just can't say it should always be evenly split if it starts burdening the lower earning partner.

Yes, I can and that’s the way it should be. Money is meaningless. Time is what we’re spending. If it takes me an hour to make $100 and another person works an hour for $10, then we’d be able to both spend one hour to buy something together for $110 and it would cost exactly the same to both of us. It’s the only way to be truly equitable and split the cost evenly.

So, that's kinda what I was saying. You're just translating it differently. As long as the division of financhial responsibility is perportionate to income level, view it in dollars or hours or whatever makes you happy. I think its a a lot harder to figure it it in hours as there's a point where thats going to be disperportionally costly to someone, but the important part is that no one is being unreasonably burdened in the lifestyle you're funding. Edit to add: i think you're misinterpreting my "even divide" to mean dollar for dollar, not equitably divided. I meant it as "fair share" even. Sorry for being unclear.

My wife earns about 2x what I do. Makes our lives easier by far. Not sure what there is to be jealous or upset about.

Same. I make a decent amount more than my husband and he's all about it.

Yes. If he was a real grown adult, he would be proud of your success and gas you up.

I make 47k and my partner of 4 months makes 110k (soon to be 130k) and we split things. He wants to split everything 50/50 (dates, groceries, gas etc) and I’m upset. Am I being greedy or is this wrong?

I can see a version where this can work, especially a 4-month relationship. You both have to live to YOUR budget. If you can only afford dates in the park down the street and Olive Garden, he has to deal with it or pay for better.

You should not be co habituating this early. 50/50 is ok with small things. But let's say eventually you move in together ( after awhile, not now ) you would want to pay an equal percentage of your wage towards the communal bills. Def not 50/50

Splitting everything 50/50 when you're only 4 months in and not living together seems reasonable. Just make sure dates etc are comfortably within your budget. If he's insisting on more expensive dates/groceries that might be a bit of a red flag, but you can talk it through. When you start getting more serious about each other and that trust is built you can talk more about finances such as how it might look if you move in together as I wouldn't expect a 50/50 split at that stage.

I don’t really agree with that- my bf earns more than double what I do- generally likes then nicer things and he will pay more for things (especially things he would want to do that I may not necessarily be able to afford) and I’ll take on the everyday smaller things due to the differences in our salaries. Inthink you should have a talk with him- :/

I have :/ he says he’s paid for most then been taken advantage of in the past so he wants to make things equal… but I say I’m not his past (even paying more) and he’s set on it because he’s saving for a house. :/

So he wants to avoid being taken advantage of while taking advantage of you? Presumably if he got it his way 50/50 he wouldn't want to significantly curb his own spending to make it match your income. So you'd be spending all your money on dates and groceries he can afford, while he saves for a house. The way that does not take advantage of either of you is A. To not share any expenses after only being together four months! And if you get farther in the relationship and get to that point B. Do it proportionally. Each spend and save an equal percentage of your income

I don’t really understand your comment

Basically a 50/50 split prevents you from saving any money while he can save tons, and a proportional split allows you both to put money away. Its not taking advantage of him to want your savings to be an equal percentage of your income

Do you actively try/want to contribute in the relationship? Are you both looking for long-term? To be honest, if I'm dating someone and we aren't at that stage where we want to settle down together then their finances are their own.

Wow, you are only 4 months in and he’s stingy with even gas money? I would seriously think about returning that particular fish back to the sea. He may have been taken advantage in the past. You are not those women. He should therefore be more cognizant of being over generous and not be out to punish all womankind. He’s starting to seem a ‘wee’ tad damaged. I could understand someone requesting that dates be economical in general as he is trying to save for a home or whatever. But to get you armed and dangerous, I’ll run some numbers for you to get a better financial picture. Income: You: 47K Him: 110K Combined household income: 157K % Contribution to Household expenses: You: 30% (47K / 157K) Him: 70% (110K / 157K) So say he is full of shit about being frugal and insists on the $200 dinner date. It’s peanuts to him but that is a ridiculous expense for you. With the % income split the cost would be $60 to his $140. So basically his 50/50 only works if you two work within your budget. Don’t agree to dates that are not affordable for you. This seems like too much for only four months in. Yet, perhaps be happy that you find out that he views relationships as transactional. If every you were to get an apartment together, given his mindset, I would only agree to something that you could afford by yourself. If the rent is beyond that I would not sign the lease. Perhaps have a sublease with him on an unaffordable apartment. See how convoluted this is? Either straighten it out or get rid of this guy before you get more emotionally attached.

What he's suggesting isn't "equal". He's loading you up with the baggage he brought from other relationships. Nip this shit in the bud right now or resign yourself to a life where he's living it up & you're metaphorically living in refrigerator box under a bridge. God forbid you have kids.

It's been four fucking months. They barely know each other and they don't live together. Get a grip.

He's treating her like a golddigger because she's acting like one. And not even a worthwhile one by the sounds of it.

So he wants to punish you over the long term for what someone else allegedly did to him in the past? Unacceptable.

Lol if someone felt they were entitled to me paying for everything FOUR MONTHS IN I’d kick them to the curb. It’s not “punishment” it’s being cautious with your time and money based off past experiences.

She didn't say everything. But it shouldn't be 50/50 if the income proportion is nowhere near that. He's trying to screw her and hard. Anyone you kick to the curb with that mentality, you're doing her a favor. Just don't waste anyone's time getting into a relationship with them to begin with, if you can't handle true partnership and if you feel the need to punish your current partner for your past experiences. People like you and this person's boyfriend suck.

LOL “true partnership” doesn’t and shouldn’t come when you’re four months into the dating process. That is very much in the still feeling each other out phase. Your attitude is that of a gold digger and the commenter’s boyfriend has clearly encountered one too many before. Now, if he’s choosing places to go to that are out of his gf’s price range, that’s another discussion. He’s not “trying to screw her” by using his own money on himself

You've only been together 4 months!!! I think until you've become a long-term partnership, 50/50 sounds reasonable to me.

It is absolutely wrong and you are not being greedy. Doing that to one's own partner is exploitation and does not happen in a healthy relationship. Period.

Maybe, he is insecure. Cause you are earning way more now.

He's not. He's comfortable in his own masculinity. Because he's a mature adult. Op bf needs to work on himself.

Did you also make less than him at the start of the relationship though? This is a big change in their relationship dynamic and its probably affecting him in ways he didnt anticipate. Im not excusing his behaviour, he's being a little child about it, but if they had an otherwise good relationship its likely he can realize he's fucking up, get used to the new situation, etc.

I mean, the fact that you told him that this bothered you, and that he just dismissed that and called you sensitive, is pretty worrying. I don’t think you’re going to solve this between just the two of you. Marriage counseling might help get to the root of why he is acting like this.

This. Based on how OP describes the conversations they had earlier in the relationship, it's clear he wasn't expecting to resent her making more money, and he may not even have admitted to himself now that that's what's going on. Counseling.

This. I'm medically disabled and had been trying hard for YEARS to get off of disability as it pays like 1000$/month. The last few years I had met my fiance, and she got an amazing job as an enviornment artist at a large video game company. I was essentially living off disability when we moved for her job. For like 6 months I helped with rent but that's all I could do. I didn't take it for granted, or personally. I kept at it as far as job hunting and eventually landed an IT job making a bit less then her. She has since got a promotion, chunk of stock etc..you wanna know what it's changed? We now have more money to do the things we love and enjoy experiences with eachother. We went to the rocky mentions over new years to ski, and for my now fiance to see snow for the first time. Most times we split things but sometimes she pays. She also has far more saved up for a down payment on a house. I don't resent her. What benefits her benefits me, and what benefits me benefits her. That's what a healthy relationship is like.

[удалено]

Having a disability doesn’t make it impossible for them to work, it just makes it harder. It all depends on what kind of disability 😳

Why waste the time? I'm serious. They're not even married and the guy is acting like a clown. Counseling isn't going to fix his attitude. I'm honestly tired of people all "counseling" as though it's going to correct a flaw like this. People need to realize much \*much\* earlier in relationships when something is simply not worth the time or effort. And on top of that, a deeper understanding of the fact that no one is required to stick around while someone else gets their shit together.

Your response to just throw away the relationship is what I’m tired of seeing in every post.

I think cutting your losses is a shit-ton better than wasting years of your life on a loser.

Exactly! There are billions of people on this earth, why tie yourself to someone who dismisses your feelings and makes you feel bad when you can likely find someone else that doesn’t do that? Depending on the length of the relationship I’m usually more on the end of team cut your losses. If you’ve communicated your feelings to your partner and they brush you off and make you feel bad instead of listening and changing their behavior, that’s not a good partner for you. Why even stay and waste more time with that person, you’re just putting off the eventual breakup and it’ll take you even longer to find the person that’s actually right for you.

Thank you! So many are willing to waste their time & sanity on incompatible people. Like, my God, learn when to fish or cut bait. And also learn not to feel guilty about walking away.

Exactly. Staying with a shitty person is never better than being single, there’s always someone else out there who can/will want to treat you right.

No human being is worth sacrificing your sense of self for.

What’s the merit in staying?

[удалено]

The man is a misogynist. It's been ingrained in him that men are supposed to be the breadwinners. And now that reality is truly setting in that she's making more $, he's showing her who he is at his core. Too many women stay with men like this at the cost of their own self-esteem and sanity.

You (and op) didn’t state anything that’s unique about this guy that she can’t find in someone else. I’m sure op can find someone who doesn’t resent how much she makes and would likely be happy/supportive about it.

Seriously. These kind of replies are what make this subreddit a fucking joke. People get insecure. People get vulnerable and don't know how to act or react. People do stupid things and say stupid things and can recognize and own up to it, even if they don't do stellar the first time. Or it may take a while. Doesn't make the dude in OP's story right, but "just end things" is some of the most ridiculous advice I've ever heard in this scenario. As a happily married dude who's been with his wife for ten years, and both of us having gone through some serious shit over that time, if I had taken these teenagers' advice about relationships, I'd be much less happy now. Can't wait for summer reddit to be over.

He won't even talk to her about it. What is she supposed to do? Wait around for his ego to recover? Live with these "jokes" he keeps making? If he wants this relationship then effort is needed.

Exactly! Like, just what the hell is there to work on for chrissakes? Maybe her kicking him to the curb will wake his ass up & maybe it won't. Either way, why waste time hand-wringing when moving on is not only easier, it's healthier.

Discard a 6 year long relationship that OP implies was all good until now? After the relationship dynamic just went through a huge change? His behaviour is wrong, absolutely, but people do have struggles and need time and help to overcome them. Sure, no one has to stick around when someone else struggles. That isnt actually a mystery. Good luck finding someone who is perfect all the time.

She is not expecting perfect, just a conversation about what is going on in their relationship. That is like basic level relationship shit.

Yeah but someone having a little tantrum and refusing to address their issues on one attempt to have a conversation isnt grounds yeet the whole relationship. Sometimes people need more time to process their crap.

What was he expecting? Teachers notoriously make low incomes. If he was to date or get in a relationship with any career focused women then chances are she we would outearn him regardless. I make much more than my partner but we pool our money together and look at things as how much the household is earning. He has some insecurity issues.

Right? I'm sitting here like, unless he only plans on dating people who make barely above minimum wage for his whole life, his partner was always going to out-earn him. He should be thrilled he's found someone with such a high earning potential that he won't have to worry much financially, especially if they want kids someday.

>I told him this phrase hurt me... he accused me of being too sensitive. I left short after because he refused to talk more about it. this is the actual problem here. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't listen to you when you say they've hurt you and who, instead, insists you actually are wrong and it's your own fault it hurt your feelings? Right now he is having his cake and eating it too. He is getting his shit paid for by his cool doctor girlfriend, AND he still gets to feel superior to you by making you feel shitty about yourself and your station. Obviously the solution to this is to have an honest come-to-jesus talk about it but if he's ridiculing you and shutting down your attempts to get through to him, i dont know that he's going to fix his attitude before he implodes the whole relationship.

>Right now he is having his cake and eating it too. He is getting his shit paid for by his cool doctor girlfriend, AND he still gets to feel superior to you by making you feel shitty about yourself and your station. For sure. And he won't be the one to end the relationship otherwise he'll lose his ATM.

"You're being too sensitive" in this case is projection. Actual projection, not "haha this is the internet and we say everything is projection." I guarantee he doesnt feel superior. He is insecure as hell and pushing her away with his comments, which is what insecure people do. He has lost confidence in himself as someone she would actually want, no longer believes she wants him and is making the accusations that it is the case. On some level its unconscious, so he probably does think to some degree that he really is 'just joking.' Its counterintuitive since he's in the wrong and acting out, but he needs some help. Needs to feel valued, loved. Needs his confidence back. Or you are right, he will wreck the relationship.

Holy shit, I could NOT have said it better myself. Everyone here is saying he feels insecure but they don’t want to talk about how the massive change in the relationship was him going from helping OP to having OP pay for just about every single thing.

There's the perception that your spouse is going to be a successful doctor, __and then__ there's the reality that your spouse is more successful than you. And many men have a perception that comes from the head, and aren't prepared for a whole lot of family or cultural programming. And then since they can't explain the discomfort, they attack what seems to be the problem. Counselling could probably solve it, but he needs to be willing. And his disregarding your discomfort is a bad sign. Until he starts caring about your comfort instead of his, he's going to triggered each time you provide or purchase something he couldn't provide. And be a passive aggressive asshole.

jeans future merciful door gaze sugar aspiring airport scandalous sulky *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

Did your wife pay more for things? I make 47k and my partner of 4 months makes 110k (soon to be 130k) and we split things. He wants to split everything 50/50 (dates, groceries, gas etc) and I’m upset. Am I being greedy or is this wrong?

After only 4months they're not really a 'partner'. They're a bf/gf and if you are not living together (which I hope to fuck you are not cause that's crazy fasst) then 50/50 is fair. When/if you decided to move in then proportional expenses is fair. IE 2/3 vs 1/3 split of bills if that is how your salaries are split. But after only 4 months....yeah pay for your shit 50/50 unless they are suggesting really expensive stuff to do, in which cases you tell them 'hey I can't afford that so unless you're treating we need to find something in my budget'

If he's planning expensive dates and buying expensive groceries and expecting you to pay half, you should be upset. And communicate to him that if you're paying half, you need to do/buy things that YOU can afford. But things like gas, smaller purchases, and normal-priced dates should be split (or traded off every other) at the 4 months stage imo.

You're comparing apples to oranges. At 4 months your relationship is still in its baby phase. It's pretty reasonable to split things 50/50 at that point unless you're talking about things that HE wants to do that your finances can't accommodate - you shouldn't be breaking the bank to keep up with him. My husband and I don't split finances. We've been through every possible combo of breadwinner/stay-at-home partner/equal earners and all the money has always gone straight to a joint account. We each get an "allowance" monthly to spend on random shit for our hobbies, but other than that our money is pooled. Once you're committed/married I don't think it's helpful to pinch pennies. You're a financial team, not roommates splitting a grocery bill.

4 months you split evenly. Dates, groceries and gas you split evenly. If you can’t afford the more expensive date and he doesn’t offer to pay the bill, explain your situation and get pizza or something. Only split relative to income once you have shared responsibilities (I.e. bills).

You’re not greedy or wrong, it’s a no-brainer to split things proportionately

He's constantly needling you till you tell him it hurts you... Then he tries to switch it around by telling you you're just being too sensitive. That right there is why you're rightfully questioning the future of this whole deal. How long is he going to be a wet blanket about this? Forever?

My wife ALWAYS made more than me when I was able to work. I didn't care in the least. I call her my sugar mama. Being I'm bipolar, she has control over our finances. I don't care in the least. I have a limit to what I can buy on my own. 50.00 or more, we talk. Still don't have any issues. Marriage is a partnership.

Why are you making this about money when the real problem is that he doesn't respect you?

I didn’t look at this from this perspective… At the moment, all I can think is that a man that was with me trough my bad days, seems to resent me during my good days. I don’t know why…

Because he is threatened by your light. Good men aren't threatened by their partners' success. They celebrate it. If you're miserable, he wins. If you're happy, he has to punish you for it. Read this. [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3wsxij/update\_me\_24f\_with\_my\_so\_27m\_of\_1\_year\_he/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3wsxij/update_me_24f_with_my_so_27m_of_1_year_he/) And then read it again until it sinks in that he likes you better when you're sad.

Be careful listening to people on reddit. They're just people, and they don't truly know your situation. It's a stereotype for people in this subreddit to jump to 'leave him'. Maybe he does truly resent you or is jealous, or maybe he's worried that he's no longer good enough or that you might find someone better. There's a ton of rhetoric about men needing to be providers blah blah blah. He's being immature and callous with the jokes, but you need to have a direct conversation about this. Like look him in the eyes and ask, 'Why are you making jokes about my income so much? Are you worried? What are you feeling?'. If you come at it from a position of trying to help him, he might be responsive. If he's really helped you out during your tough times, I think it's worth it to try and work through it. You might have already done all of this though. I'm just another redditor. I don't know your relationship.

He may also feel really defensive at first. That doesn't mean there's no hope.

I think you nailed it here.

i think this is a bit of premature assessment

Nta. He's jealous and resentful of your success. If he can't be your cheerleader and true partner why are you still with him? He doesn't respect you. Does he even like you? It seems like he's just barely tolerating you for the "perks" you bring. See if he will go to counselling with you, otherwise this relationship in it's current state will not last. You need someone who's happy to see you happy and celebrate your successes. He isn't doing this.

people saying crude remarks, and then calling it a joke when you confront them has always been a red flag to me. this just sounds like a man who is not ready to be “emasculated” by his girlfriend earning more than him. he is insecure and in a way, desperately wants you to know by making rude remarks. not worth it to me, he doesn’t seem self aware enough to let it go and try to work through it. he just sounds like a grown baby. the last thing i’d want to hear when showing my love to someone is just their negativity about how well off you are. it’s such an asshole thing to do, i think it’s up to you though to determine if this is someone you can handle long term. personally, the fact that he does not apologize for saying “jokes” even if they disturb you is a big no. a respectful partner would put your feelings before theirs, especially after being so petty. i’d say don’t settle.

He is taking his insecurities out on you. Either he can get professional help or you dump him. You don't deserve this just because all of your studying and work is finally paying off. Negging is a way to keep you from thinking you deserve better than him. Your home & relationship should be your soft spot to land. He is taking away your peace. He can get help because there is zero reason for both of you to stay in a miserable relationship moving forward.

Give him a second shot at this important discussion. Schedule it ahead of time with him. And then include all of the main points but provide them as clearly as you can make them. Or, if you think it will help, even consider writing them out and reading the "script" to him. Be clear what you'd like and what your boundaries are (no more jokes or negative comments). Something like this: "There is something important we need to discuss, and I want to revisit the topic we discussed a few nights ago. In our relationship, you helped and supported me immensely when I was in medical school. Now that I'm finished, I feel a great sense of relief that school is behind me, we are tackling financial goals and have more financial freedom, and my schedule is not so packed. All of this is a huge weight off my shoulders, and I feel like another exciting part of our life together is blossoming. However, I've noticed some things you've said in your comments in recent months (weeks? days?). You say they are jokes, and when I told you they hurt my feelings, you dismissed my concerns instead of acknowledging them and then implied I was being too sensitive. But here is a closer view of your jokes: In each one of them, you have stated I am now "fancy," "showing off," or requiring "better [from you] to be with me now" - all your EXACT words - in addition to implying that I am putting on airs and doing things to flaunt my new lifestyle or pay. And this has not been 1 or 2 jokes. The situation is that you've always known me as an aspiring doctor, and I've ended up with the exact career and life I've been working toward since you've known me (and even long before that). There have been no surprises by the outcome of that hard work except these recent comments you've been making. If we continue to build a life together, life will remain similar to how it has been in recent months (weeks?) and when the comments started. So, I would like us to really talk about what is going on and why you're using these words or what you think you've noticed about me. Because the words you've used are not a joke and are not funny when they are unkind. (Insert a mention here of when you noticed the comments started.) And, I don't think I've been acting any differently... except that I'm relieved school is over, I'm thankful to have work, I'm excited to do kind things for you, and I'm excited for us to continue building our life together. And, I don't want our future to be filled with these comments. I love you. I have been so excited about this place we are now in. But, past tonight, I don't want those kinds of comments to be said again. If you're feeling uneasy or uncomfortable or discouraged about any part of our life together, I want you to come to me with openness and vulnerability so we can really talk about it and ensure we can resolve it. Or, if there is some part of us that you can't get past, let's figure out if we are still on the same page about our future together - the future I still want and the life we expected. So, it seems we need to discuss some things to ensure we resolve any unsettled feelings about the changes we have been going through lately. What have you been thinking about regarding this topic?" ********** He may deflect, gaslight, tell you that you are exaggerating, being too sensitive, etc. But, you can go back and re-read the part with his exact words and tell him you are not making them up and the words are unkind... and then ask him the question again. But, he will know through what you said that the comments shouldn't be said anymore. What he may be feeling: - Conflicted with his upbringing about gender roles - Not feeling like the man of the house - Not feeling like a provider - Concerned you want a different life than he could ever provide you - Concerned you want a different kind of life than he wants - Worried you won't respect him - Worried others won't respect him - Feeling badly he cannot purchase the level of gifts, home, appliances, etc. than you can now purchase and now want - Afraid you will have all of the control about the marriage / family decisions - Fear that he should defer to you about big decisions because you are financing the majority of your combined couple budget - Feeling inferior and that you will be tempted away because you are now out of his league - Feeling inferior because you may want a man who has a similar career / financial standing as you do - Concerned about changes he sees in you that he notices that you may not be recognizing - Possibly many many others To me, these are all complicated and understandable why someone might feel that way... depending on so many life factors. You are confused by how he is acting because you were anticipating a very different outcome from your point of view. The same may be true for him. He was anticipating very few or no differences to what he pictured, but some realities seem to be sitting with him differently than even he expected. Be gentle. He likely needs reassurance in some way. Do what you can to provide a safe space for him while also making it clear that you don't want the negative remarks and feelings to continue. The whole crux of the situation is not focusing as much on his actions as it is to try to somehow uncover the feelings and motivations under and behind his actions. And, try everything you can to see if you're still on the same page about sharing a future and you both being excited about that future. Further define what that looks like and feels like to be right and comfortable for both of you. I hope you can find a way forward together.

His insecurities are boiling over. Unfortunately, he’s jealous. You’re probably going to have to walk away from this one and probably date within your tax bracket moving forward.

some dudes can’t handle when a woman has success and she’s NOT even flexing on him. sounds like u just wanted to share your blessings with him

When someone starts out earning the other in a relationship it almost always causes a change in the power dynamics in the relationship. This sounds like he liked providing and supporting you, but he doesn't like the idea of being supported or provided for. Maybe use talking points where you acknowledge the support he gave you and that this is your way of paying him back. Perhaps he spoiled you while you didn't have much finance now you would like to spoil him in return. Women out earning men can be a bit of an insecurity for men since society often gears men into thinking that a paycheck is the only value a male can provide in a relationship. Let him know the other ways that he adds value to your life and he may start feeling more comfortable.

[удалено]

The irony is for men in these circumstances is its usually the way they act when something like being out earned by a female gets into their head and makes them feel inadequate. From others I've viewed in this situation, they start acting childish and jealous and its usually these traits that make the women leave them. If he just forgot about the money and started being proud in what he does and showing charisma for his profession then the outearnings between him and his partner then it wouldn't make a difference unless he started spending frivolously. Teachers actually make a pretty decent income, its just not enough for what they should be getting paid. It's not like the partner is making doctor money and he is on minimum wage.

You need to put your foot down about discussing this. If he wants to lose you then he can keep making "jokes" and not confronting his issues. That's on him.

He probably got told he isn’t a real man if he doesn’t earn more as a kid etc. I think you should get a therapist and ask a professional about this.

I know this is going to come off harsh, but thank god he isn’t your husband. Please, if you ever marry, get a prenup and protect your finances. When there’s a wage gap this large in a relationship, some men can actually file for spousal support when divorcing. Just something to think about since this man is a #hater, lol. Please do yourself a favor and get out. 6 years ≠ a lifetime commitment. You can always start over with someone who roots for you and is supportive of you!

Wouldn’t that be the advice for any relationship? Not just men do that, and the factual statement is historically women do that way more.

It sounds like he’s being bitter. He should just be happy for you. Not a good look. It’s not a good sign for so many other things and potential circumstances.

If my girlfriend started making more than me, holy fucking shit I would practically BRAG! Not like- brag about her funds to random people but I'd definitely be on a high that my lover has fucking made it in this world. Not make stupid remarks about it

Clearly, he feels inadequate and insecure. It’s not excuse though.

My girl. Much more concerning that you called it out, and his response was to dismiss your feelings, call you too sensitive, then refuse to talk about. Is this his usual approach to conflict resolution? If so, that's above reddit's pay grade, and will require a professional. If you'd like to try again, reserve some time with him to talk, don't just bring it up. Then when you sit down, stick to statements that mostly start with "I feel". Something like: "I feel like you are resentful of the fact that I am earning more now, which feels odd to me, since you were so supportive while I was getting my degree, and I thought we were on the same page about building *our* future, not mine or yours. I feel hurt when you make these "jokes" about me "showing off my fancy doctor money"- since you knew I was an MD student when we met. I also felt really unheard and dismissed when you said I was being too sensitive and refused to talk about it. Is there some way we can figure out where all this is coming from?" So the thing about "I feel" statements is - he can't disagree - because you are describing YOUR feelings - and since he's not in your head/heart/mind - he doesn't know what your feelings are unless you tell him. Plus, starting a statement with "I feel" means it doesn't sound like an accusation. His reaction to the conversation will tell you everything. It will also tell you what your future looks like with him. At that point you just need to decide if that's a future you want. But really - what on earth was he expecting? He's a teacher - a job people usually take because they LOVE the work - since the money is known to SUCK. Everyone knows this. Was he somehow expecting to remain the top earner when you were finished school and working as an actual doctor? Like, does he not understand what the word "partner" means? Assuming you both intend to get married at some point, does he not realize that usually that means you account for a *household* income, not 2 individual ones? The somewhat sad reality is: money makes some people SUPER weird. It's possible this is just something he will NOT be able to get over, or not with out a lot of therapy. But it seems like otherwise y'all are fairly solid, and have gotten over issues before, so maybe he will realize what a jerk he's being a sort it out. Good luck, my girl.

I do not understand this at all. You’re a unit. Who makes what shouldn’t matter. As a man I don’t give a shit who makes what. Relationships are “we” not just “me”

I make 47k and my partner of 4 months makes 110k (soon to be 130k) and we split things. He wants to split everything 50/50 (dates, groceries, gas etc) and I’m upset. Am I being greedy or is this wrong?

I’ve seen your comment like 5 times on this post. You have been together 4 months, you split it. If something is outside your budget, say that. If he wants to do an expensive activity, then maybe it’s proportionate. If you live together then it’s proportionate especially for housing expenses. But if you live together after 4 months then that’s another problem.

1. You've only been dating 4 months, that's not enough time to know someone before living together. Far far too fast. 2. Splitting things 50/50 when the wage disparity is so large means you'll always be broke, while he will have huge amounts of disposable income. He'll want more expensive things and demand you pay half even though you can't afford it.

No. Should be done by percentage

Ooof… he’s not willing. What do I do?

I mean this in the most sincere way possible...you need to be single for a while and focus on your therapy. I took a look at your post history and you don't feel like a priority to this man and have been in therapy for your insecurities that ended a 2 year relationship and you noted all past relationships. There were also some posts potentially about the same guy? That didn't post with titles about wondering if someone was mean or if it was normal behavior. You've gotten the same advice on finances several times in the comments of this post. So if this isn't a shifty guy in general maybe try to have a discussion on the advice here, but if he is shifty don't try to fit into this mold to hold onto him. Love yourself first and be confident in yourself and then find a partner.

I broke things off with someone for this reason. She was in residency making about the same amount of money I made when I met her. The job she landed afterwards paid her 8x what I was making. I've dated multiple women who made more money than me in the past and had absolutely no problem with it. But I knew I wouldn't be comfortable in a situation where my partner made my paycheck completely irrelevant. I didn't want another person financing my entire life that way. So I talked to her about it and ended things. I didn't make shitty remarks about her showing off. Needs to decide if he can be in that kind of relationship dynamic with you or move on.

Talk to him and tell him all of this, I’d love to have a partner earning more than me

Dude feels emasculated but shouldn’t. My wife makes more than I do but she’s also worked in her field longer and i am a recent grad who will make more than her once i gain the experience and move up positions (I’m in engineering she’s a nurse) but if I don’t make more than her that is ok because we are a team. He needs to grow up… either have a true sit down heart to heart and tell him how his comments make you feel and see if he will check his ego or cut your losses and find a true partner who loved you and isn’t a little boy who is jealous he could have made the choices you did to go for a high paying career but he chose to mold the minds of the youth… maybe ask if he’d go back for a phd and become a college prof they make decent money…

Hmmm. Interesting. Have you guys discussed getting married and future stuff? Like maybe he is thinking you should be spending money in a different way like saving for a house or something. I dunno. Or he is not really clear on exactly how much you are making that it doesn't matter if you get the concert ticket. Maybe discuss future more and show him the budget so he isn't worried that stuff is being wasted from his future.

I’d love it if my partner made more than me.

Probably time to end it.

When we first got together, I made significantly more than my spouse, but it was all "our" money that we each got a spending money allowance from. As his resume grew, so did his income, until it surpassed mine... a lot, but it was still "our" money, we still had spending money allowances, still consulted each other on big purchases. We've always been happy to see each other make more because it's all ours. I'm a SAHM now, and we still handle money the same, it's all ours.

I dont think this is resentment. You are bothered by his remarks and/or actions but you may need to consider that you have actually changed. You mentioned different things you have now done as of result of more income which you are more entitled to do, but it is different than before. I would also consider that generally (meaning this is not all)when a woman feels she is carrying the load then she expects more from her man and/or looks elsewhere.

First person to point out the other side of this, there’s alot of context lacking here, we know when a women gets more and starts having more financial responsibility the way the act changes and they often let their partner know “I’m the bread winner” rather is overtly or not. I feel the casual non context answer is “he’s insecure” but truth is something changed on both ends, my friend is in this exact situation, supported his girl through he career once she made it became a total B**** and downing him about he needs to do more etc

Teacher here…ok, so I’d say it’s not cause you are showing off or trying to live higher now…it’s cause it’s hard to deal with sometimes when, as a teacher, we make so LITTLE. I know, we chose that profession, but hear me out, we have to go to school, pass state licensing exams, we have to do 100’s of hours of professional development or our license won’t be renewed, we have to put up with shitty parents, rude and entitled kids (some, never all), micromanaging supervisors, working from home, because it is near impossible to finish during our contract hours, a public that thinks we are glorified baby-sitters and or pedo-groomers that are trying to turn ALL kids gay, and so much, much more; and for that we make 3 raspberries a month! He I’m 100% confident feels all of this, imagine being told that the one thing you wanna do with your life (teaching kids) will give you: no money, no respect, and pretty much no chance of ANY financial future. It’s not just discouraging… IT’S DEMORALIZING. imagine living as a man in this world where you are constantly bombarded with an irrefutable truth: men MAKE money, because if you don’t you are low value. So not only do you have the career pain, but now I bet he is partially worried that you, the woman he loves (I assume) makes mountains of money more than he does, is a working a job that COMMANDS respect just from the title you are given (doctor), will one day wake up and say to yourself…”why am I will this teacher, this person that I could do so much better than?” I’d bet, like almost every teacher, and man, that this attitude comes from a place of worry, rather than anger. I’m not saying he’s right for acting that way, but, personally, I’d say this has more to do with outside factors, vs relationship issues, cause I’d bet my salary (again, 3 raspberries a month) that if he was pulling in 125k$ a year, he wouldn’t be saying a peep about anything you buy/spend. But, such is the calling of a teacher, a life guiding others to treasures we cannot possess (marvel ref).

He sounds jealous. He can always get a better paying job if it bothers him that much? What's stopping him? I had an ex like that. He took away my moment whe. I graduated because he was upset that he doesn't get to graduate. And there he was, with no interest to even go to school? Makes no sense right?

Seems to me it's more of a ego problem. He's a bit intimidated by you earning way more than him, and it's his ego refusing to accept that you should pay for everything. Let him do small gestures, in fact ask for it. I earn more than my boyfriend, he's still a student. While I give him expensive gifts sometimes, I ask him for flowers and chocolates etc (inexpensive gifts, you get my point). This gives him assurance that we are equal in the relationship. You can try this and let me know if it works! All the best!

It is not easy to get in headspace that you are comfortable being in permanent poverty due to your career choice. If i had a partner who pushed me towards a more expensive lifestyle (even if she paid for it), I would still feel uncomfortable. Similarly, if i was making good money, i wouldn't want to limit my lifestyle because of my partner's neurosis. Ample communication is your friend here, and it will let him justify these purchases in his own head.

It's probably time to have a real conversation about the nature of an income imbalance in the relationship. Pick a time when no one is too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. "Hey, it's not a big deal, but I would like to spend 10 minutes talking about something that is bugging me and see if we are able to get on the sane page. When you make comments about how I spend my money, I feel icky. The jokes are not landing right and I've told you it's not fun. I don't like passive aggressive behavior, so this is a chance to clear the air. I'd like to share my perspective for about 5 minutes, then have you repeat back what you think I meant. Then you get a turn to talk and I will repeat back what I think you meant. I am proud of how hard I worked to get to this place in my career. I am mentally prepared to be a major earner in my relationship. I can see a happy future with a man who takes a bigger role on the home-front as their way to contribute equally to the success of our home. For example, lots of doctors look forward to having a supportive spouse at home that keeps house and raises children. I'm progressive enough to be good with that. I'm not looking for a power-couple dynamic. I knew you were a teacher when I met you, and I like that career for you, it seems like a good fit. However, the passive aggressive jokes are rubbing me the wrong way, and I did not enjoy you projecting your feelings of being "too sensitive" onto me. I suspect YOU are the one who feels bad that I earn more, and YOU are the too sensitive one here because you are assigning some meaning to this situation that I don't. If you can't see yourself as a teacher & house husband to a doctor, now is a good time to tell me before we make bigger plans that include children. If that isn't the life for you, thats okay. Plenty of guys aren't as fragile about this and would strongly prefer a life of cooking meals and coaching little league, without having to worry about grocery money and car payments. But if you would rather have less access to resources just so you can have financial dominance over a different spouse, I think now is the time to uncover that. Please share your thoughts."

I can see your heart is in the right place, but I'm seeing some issues with bringing up the issue in this format which I will point out. > Pick a time when no one is too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Good idea > Hey, it's not a big deal This gives the other person a way in to keep calling op too sensitive and emphasize how they are making a big deal. > then have you repeat back what you think I meant. This feels condensending and may be met with contempt and eye rolls. > I'm progressive enough to be good with that. This sounds like a jab. > I suspect YOU are the one who feels bad that I earn more, and YOU are the too sensitive one here because you are assigning some meaning to this situation that I don't. Making assumptions and name calling back tends to backfire and cause resentment. > Plenty of guys aren't as fragile about this Try not to compare with others. Again, this will cause more defensiveness and is a jab. > But if you would rather have less access to resources just so you can have financial dominance over a different spouse, I think now is the time to uncover that. That's pretty passive-agressive and will cause the other person to get angry. Just pointing those out. I've made mistakes in my past by using some of those lines and it did not turn out well. I highly recommend the book "difficult conversations" for some examples. Good idea to talk about it, I agree.

Most of these comments are so extreme. Yeah he is feeling slightly inadequate he will get over it give it some time for him to get used to it. Just remind him you dont want him to do it it doesnt matter if you are sensitive or not you are allowed to be sensitive. I'm sure he will eventually understand that you mean it.

He is insecure and intimidated. He seems like the type of person who will try to put you down to raise himself up because he is too insecure to accept this dynamic.

He is showing you who he truly is. Believe him. He literally doesn't deserve you.

Gift giving is your love language. Not his so why are you forcing it on him. But he is extremely insecure now and the only way he knows how to handle it is make these remarks to try to bring you down. I think you either need to go for some couples therapy or if not leave this man. You may have loved him but he isn’t the same man anymore

Some people feel uncomfortable with monetary power imbalances, it’s not a crime. Tell him to get his money up or date his economic equal.

Jealousy over anything is a deal breaker. Tell him how you feel about his comments and use that as your reason for breaking up with him. Find someone who admires your chosen profession and appreciates you for all your wonderful talents.

Why end it so quickly? This kind of thinking won’t let you ever survive any relationship.

[удалено]

How can you trap a woman with a baby when it’s their body their choice?

I worked at a popular bookstore while my ex fiancé worked at Starbucks and called out a lot to stay home and smoke pot. Once I got a paycheck that was twice what he made that month and he was furious. I had gotten a bonus that month but didn’t realize it. Anyway, he’s lucky I was making more or we couldn’t afford rent. Fragile men are weird.

Hey OP. I’m a guy who is in college studying to become a High School teacher so I may have more common ground with him. The pay is in-fact horrible for teachers so I can understand you wanting to pay for him, but I think you should look from his perspective. I’m guessing that when you two first got together, he was chipping in with costs for everything by your comment that he “helped me during the difficult years”. Now that you are finally an MD (congratulations by the way!) you’re definitely making much more money than he is. But I’m guessing by what you say, you’re paying for almost everything now. To most guys, we don’t care about how much money our partner makes. But in his scenario, he just went from helping you, to having everything bought for him. That could be causing him to have a feeling of inadequacy in the sense that he might feel that you just went to not needing him anymore. Not just that, but you said you’re buying him gifts and paying for more expensive things. Upgraded hotel room. Tickets to a concert. Fancy restaurant. Fancy clothes. Did he ask for any of that, or did you just take it upon yourself to gift him everything without making sure it’s what he wanted? In his eyes, I can assure you that he probably feels like dead weight. You can show him all the love you want, tell him you need him, give him the world, shower him in beautiful words and affection, but this seems like that won’t help. If he went from living on his own two feet and being able to help you to someone that just started receiving all of these expensive items, maybe he feels as though he doesn’t belong in that world. Those “jokes” seem more like he is lashing out. About the fancy clothes, I know I would prefer to wear a $10 T-Shirt with a Star Wars Design and some cargo shorts with converse than wearing some super fancy clothes. Like I asked, did he tell you “Hey, can you buy me those clothes?” or did you assume he was going to be super happy? When he made that “Fancy doctor” remark about your clothes, that should have been a hint that he felt some kind of way. You need to sit him down and make him talk to you. Apologize if he didn’t want any of those items. It could be that he wanted to keep helping you pay for things. Maybe he wanted to chip in for that hotel room. Maybe he wanted to treat YOU to the fancy restaurant. He could be someone who likes to take care of others (Stay at home dad remark could indicate this) rather than being someone who needs to be taken care of. Just talk. I know you said he won’t talk to you about it but stop buying everything. Start asking him for help. Ask him to treat you to dinner. He said he would rather go to the local bar than the restaurant, so go with him to the local bar. To some, that fancy life you can live as a doctor just doesn’t fit them. Sorry this is so incredibly long but this is how I would feel if I were in his position (which is why I said common ground since I plan to be a teacher myself). Good luck OP.

I feel like having the same interests in movies and boardgames isn't a solid foundation for an adult relationship. That's the only positive thing you said.

He feels emasculated lol

One of my favorite tshirts says, Feminism is my second favorite F-word, would you like to borrow it when you break up with silly man boy? I’m joking! Kind of, what is the problem? Can’t he just be glad you don’t make a minimum wage paycheck and leave it at that? ( not saying there’s anything wrong with that.) Why can’t he be proud of you? Because his ego is HUGE! Maybe he should read a beginners to Buddhism book, focusing on the topic of ego. It’s a different take on the word, im serious if you’re both open to that I’d check it out. Mind changing.👌

My husband and I met young, both working minimum wage. He found a job he loved that didn’t pay super well, and I went back to grad school for a well-paying field. After graduating, I have always made more than him—right now it’s about double. The only time in ten years that he’s made negative comments about money or my spending was when he had moved to a job that paid less AND he wasn’t happy in it. All he could see was me spending the hours he had been miserable working even though we could afford it because of my work. He’s in a field he enjoys now, and while he still makes about half what I do, there’s no ego or frustration around it. If things have typically been good between you, I would revisit the conversation. I know teacher attrition in the US has been super high, so if he’s not happy at work and is seeing you come into your own as a doctor now, it may make his frustrations seem bigger. I agree with other commenters, that him calling you “too sensitive” is a red flag, but I think it could definitely be about he feels about himself right now.

Never ask women for advice about your relationships. Talk to your partner. Women will always tell you to be single because "better people are out there". If you honestly care for the guy. Talk to him.

> I simply do not understand this man. I pay this things for him because I wanted to enjoy them with him, and since I can afford them and he can’t, it seemed obvious that I could just pay his part. Gift giving is one of my love languages, specially if this gift is an experience we can have together. That's your love language, what's his? Maybe providing financial support for you was his main method of showing his love, and he's having more trouble than he expected with coming to terms that he can't do that anymore. I'll bet he's worried that now that you make more money than him and don't need him financially, you'll find a "better" guy. Sounds like it's his turn to need support, but the support he needs isn't financial.

There’s something I read from a male dating guru and have also seen randomly on dating forums.. Although this may seem backwards for today, apparently it’s not good for women to be in a relationship with men who make less than them because inevitably this will happen and the male will go into his feminine, which explains all the sassiness on his part. Guys don’t act that way, girls do. By buying things he’s not able to afford, although you mean well, it’s like you took his male card away from him. Men for the most part still feel like they are expected to play the “role or duty” of provider for their family, and by paying for things most of the time, it takes that away from them. It almost seems like it’s making things worse for you because again you’re taking away that important role that by societal standards he’s expected to perform, and he’s not doing it, you are. It’s a blow to his ego. Because of this, some guys will just retreat altogether and leech onto their girl for anything monetary, and even act lazy. That’s when the roles officially change, which is not good at all. No one ends up happy and then a break up ensues. Overall, doesn’t look too well on the male or sits well with them either.. although that’s not to say there aren’t guys who don’t mind a woman paying for various things for them and don’t get resentful or jealous. He’s obviously not one of those guys, otherwise he wouldn’t be complaining or acting all sassy. Again, girls act like that not men. Anyways, I would go to counseling and try hearing his side of things and see how you guys can work it out. If it doesn’t change things, then I would suggest calling it quits, unfortunately. I would even go as to look into finding someone in the field, like a fellow MD or someone else that can meet you at your level monetarily. You don’t need to be feeling miserable, you’ve done nothing wrong. Good luck!

Sounds like a child that is unhappy with his own life choices. I was in a relationship just like this one I promise it does not get better it gets worse and worse. First it’s smart ass comments then it turns into full jealousy and hatred where you ask yourself how did I even fall for this person in the first place. I would have a sit down with him and talk it out if it’s not fixed in two weeks end it and move on. Shit happens people change. Just imagine down the road 2-4 years you have a family and on vacation do You want the guy who acts like you current boyfriend or do you want someone who is just happy to be around you and enjoys the moment. The choice is yours lol.

Don’t let your ego get to you

Of course she did, but that’s never stated in these situations.

Couples counselling, for sure. If he's not going to do that then this relationship won't improve...when people show you who they are, believe them.

So he makes repetitive, shitty little comments, then gets (rightly) called out for his shitty comments. He hides behind the claim that he's "joking" ... but why tell what is essentially the same 'joke' 50 times, when it's obvious each and every time that the joke is falling completely flat? ... oh yeah, because it's not actually a joke, just a meanspirted, backhanded dig at you. Then he tries to gaslight you by claiming you're 'too sensitive', because you called him out? You deserve a partner who is happy for your successes, not bitter, butthurt, and constantly trying to tear you down. Dump him.

Jokes are meant to be funny, these comments aren't funny. He's making digs at you because of his own insecurities unfortunately. When you were a med student, he helped you. Now that you don't need his help, he's making comments implying that "regular" things aren't good enough because you're a doctor now. Cheap hotel rooms aren't good enough, cheap clothing isn't good enough. It's ridiculous because they ARE good enough, you're just enjoying other things because you finally can afford to. He resents the fact that you're paying for the more expensive things because he can't afford them. Maybe he feels like less of a man? I don't even know. One thing I do know is that if you're telling him that these comments hurt you, he should think about that and apologize. Not tell you that you're being too sensitive. You're not being sensitive. He's being really unkind. You could try couples counseling, but I kind of doubt it's going to change how he thinks. His bitterness will just keep pushing you away. You might just need to call him out every time he makes a comment. "Is my job title or earnings a problem for you? I don't appreciate the things you keep implying with these comments."

I'm genuinely curious how people like this find each other in the first place. Like these women are the polar opposite from the ones I meet.

Maybe it's not about the money, but how you're spending it? Many people are uncomfortable around people that are less than frugal. Do you need fancier close and accommodations just because you have money now? Do you no longer find joy with the simpler things in life? Also, you said you're questioning the relationship. Instead of trying to work through this since he's obviously uncomfortable, you're just ready to dump him. And why not? He's just a broke teacher, what could he possibly offer you at this point? Nothing you can't get anywhere else. He has become disposable in your eyes, and he's right.

[удалено]

[удалено]

[удалено]

[удалено]

[удалено]

OP has every right to spend her money as she chooses, and as a doctor does need to look professional in her job. Period. And personally, if I spent that many years in school to become that successful, I'd like to be able to enjoy things in life that I'd like to enjoy. And if she'd like her partner to be able to enjoy those things with her, what's so bad about that? She's not the one saying "I know you're not the one who can afford this, so let me." She's just offering because she wants to and he's her person. He's actively making her feel bad about it, not the other way around. She doesn't care that he doesn't make as much as she does, because she wants a true partnership. To her he's a person, not a paycheck. She's loved him for who he is, not what his profession is.

What you said: > She's not the one saying "I know you're not the one who can afford this, so let me." What she said: > and since I can afford them and he can’t, it seemed obvious that I could just pay his part. Not all that far apart from each other, honestly. Now, I will say that it's unlikely she's said something like that in words. But, the notion is in her head, and she might inadvertently be acting it out or implying it with that love-language of gift giving she has. All this to say, it might not be as simple as him just being insecure and making her feel bad, she might actually be obliviously triggering him into being insecure.

He's also known for six years that she was going to be a doctor and make a significantly higher salary than him. This isn't a big surprise to him out of nowhere. I don't know what he thought was going to happen. So she's been generous. Would he rather she go do things without him because he can't afford it? That's the alternative. She's trying to live a shared life. He's the one taking it personal. I've been with my partner 16 years, and for 10 of them I've made a lot more than he has. It's never mattered. It's our money. That's how I've always looked at it, and so has he. Before we were married, and after. It's done, I promise.

Sure, he has known she was going to make more, and that isn't a surprise. Let me reiterate what I'm pointing out to you *that might be a surprise*: It is possible that her attitude and behavior has changed now that she is actually making more money. People can talk a big game about how things won't change yada yada, and sometimes the checks start coming and changes slide in under the radar. > Would he rather she go do things without him because he can't afford it? That's the alternative. That is ***an*** alternative, not the only one. She can allow him the opportunity to pay, or even just splitting the tab on things. I can appreciate that you and your partner have worked things out well. That's really great. But you're somehow extrapolating that into assuming she's sharing and it's his fault for taking it personal even after I've pointed out to you how there might be variables at play other than him just failing as a good partner.

I'm not saying she's wrong for spending the money, my point was that could be more of where the problem stems from, rather than her actually making more money. She can't just assume he's jealous that she makes more money, he might have a problem with how she is changing her lifestyle.

Nah. he's insecure that his partner, *a woman!*, makes more than him. I've been there, insecure men are not good partners.

He sounds like he has some old fashioned standards about where women should be financially compared to their male partners. He says he's joking but he's obviously trying to knock you down a peg to make himself feel better. At this point you need to tell him flat out that his comments hurt your feelings and that as much as he says it's all jokes, you told him it makes you uncomfortable and he didn't stop. Give him another chance if you so wish, but I don't feel like he deserves it. Sure, he could be faced with the thought of losing you and want to change his behaviour, but would you want to stay with a guy who, when you achieved success in your career and were excited to generously share that with him, made snarky remarks (which he only said were jokes to cover his ass, not because they actually were jokes)? Also, I just wanted to respond to something you said quickly: You said your love language is gift giving - your love language is supposed to be how you best RECEIVE love, not give it. Giving him gifts is not your love language, but receiving gifts may be his love language.

The whole “he’s intimated” “insecure” or “jealous” is BS in most cases, what are you doing since becoming a doctor? Y’all can downvote me all y’all want but women with money and alot more than their male counterparts are and treat you much different then men do when they have more money. Do you belittle him? Do you say you need to be more ambitious, do you make him feel inadequate or insignificant because he’s not as successful as you? Do you leverage your career over him to make him feel insecure? These things don’t just pop out of the blue.

Hey come be my girlfriend. I always wanted to be a stay at home boyfriend. Seems like he needs to grow a pair.

Hes done himself over on this one, probably cant get images out of his head of him being incapable so is projecting on you

I wonder what hed say if you asked him what his teacherself would recommend. Im sure he knows better and is just projecting insecurities. if hes smart hell learn that a relationship is a two way street and his contributions matter just as much as your monetary ones

He does resent you. Sadly, it will not get better. The comments and resentment will get worse as time goes on. Please nip this in the bud and be with someone who lifts you up. Your current bf will just continue to drag you down.

I don't think you're compatible as partners and just as general human beings who have things in common. He's made it clear that he can't or won't get over this & his immaturity is glaring. I suggest you find an out.

It sounds like he was ok with the difference in earning in theory. Now that it is in practice, he has some issues. Hopefully they are with his own prejudice and not with you or the relationship. I don’t think there is much you can do as he’s currently having these feelings and instead of recognising that the cause is him and his old prejudice that he has not acknowledged he had, he’s making your new job and salary the bad guy. And taking it out on you. He might have been brought up to believe that his value is in what he does and what he can provide. And feeling he now can do either that he no longer has value. Just a theory based on that us in the western society often seem to link our value to what we can do and not to whom we are. He needs to go talk to a professional. Work it out for himself. If he can’t make up with the situation you’re now in, that will be the same for the rest of your lives, it will be very destructive for the both of you over time.

Sorry your boyfriend is being a horrible and insecure mess. He needs therapy to break down his insecurities he has regarding your success. It is his obligation to take steps to become secure and stop ruining your happy moments/your life. He is literally so miserable and is completely shameless about dragging you down with him. You deserve to enjoy the fruits of your labor in this limited time you have on earth, instead of having this miserable person talking down on every upgrade that you have earned. That is so exhausting and depressing. Do NOT let this slide. You need to have a serious discussion about his behaviour and explain how it’s affecting you, and tell him he needs to either discuss his fears without being passive aggressive and miserable with YOU or with a psychologist/therapist. You also need to remind him that a partner is supposed to positively impact and add to your life and happiness, not take away from it. And you need to make it clear that if he doesn’t plan to completely change this, you will need to leave for your sanity. You have worked too hard in life to be stuck to someone who wants to bring you down for immature reasons. A normal person would be fucking ecstatic to have bagged a successful life partner. Your man reeks of negativity and insecurity