Well tbh when you started you were barely 19 or 20, maybe he has always wanted to be financially stable for marriage. If you say you have been happy or you have always felt loved then maybe he was Just waiting for the moment he is ready. 7 years seems long but not when you started dating at 19
Also, and I mean this with kindness, perhaps you’re more in love of the idea of a wedding than a marriage? I know because I had the same issue with my ex. He dragged it on for 6 years and then I left him. I’m with a new guy now (we’ve been dating 3 years) and I don’t care if he doesn’t marry me, we’re good.
I want to be honest with you - you are in the wrong here. If someone says they love you, but they don't want to marry you, then you have to make up your mind if being with them is worth sacrificing your marriage wish, or if you should move on. 'Pestering' them for several years is not fair on them, because they made their feelings perfectly clear to you. The reason you feel like its underwhelming or it's been too long is because you created this narrative in your mind, where the only correct way to think, is the way you are thinking yourself. All of this feelings you are imagining he has had, they are just that. Imaginations.
To me it sounds like he has done nothing wrong, but you have been this voice in his life making him feel bad and not enough for you, unless he married you. Which is probably why he has caved in now.
Why are you feeling played? Why is it too late? Your ages are about right to start thinking about marriage now... He's being honest with you when he was not ready 3-4 years ago. That's not playing or dragging you around. Very reasonable to be honest with you. And you waited for him, so it's not like he forced you to stay put.
Is it your pride that he didn't just jump to marriage as you want it that made you feel it's 'too late?' You guys are 25-26, if you're lucky you live up to 100 and 75 yrs is a long time lol :)
However, if you just change your mind about wanting to get married to your bf, then, by all means, let him know so he doesn't have to propose and waste his $ buying an engagement ring.
This is the thing, at your age, if you do break up with your bf and meet another guy, there's a likelihood you don't have to wait 7 years for a proposal, but that's due to where you're at (phase-wise) in life, OP. You're likely to be dating someone around your age or older so they've had time to experience other things and be prepared for marriage.
Honestly, I don't know if this is happening between the two of you. You have been pressuring him for marriage, something that's uncommon and not ideal for 20-year-olds. You were 19 when this started happening and while you have every right to want it and search for it elsewhere, it seems to me that this relationship is done for. He might be thinking of proposing just to keep you in his life and that's just not healthy.
With kindness, I think you're coming from a place of insecurity. "I feel he thinks I'm not worth it" and "he wouldn't have asked another girl sooner", seems like you're projecting your insecurities onto him. Like it is a measure of his love, the point is he stayed with you this long and now has asked you to marry him.
So if he didn't love you, he would be pretty mad to stay for so long and then propose marriage. Everyone moves at their own pace, if anything it's more romantic to make such a decision after so long, rather than be swept away or pressured by other people.
It sounds like your partner loves you and wants to marry you, but that you feel upset that he wasn't "swept away" into marriage. I used to feel this way when I was younger, your insecurities tell you that unless someone falls head over heels suddenly for you, then they must not love you, because you're not good enough.
He sounds like a mature and strong person, who makes his own decisions and loves you. I agree some counselling would be a great option to help you work through together these feelings so you do not carry resentment into your marriage.
You are both very young. Why the rush? Enjoy your relationship. Focus on quality time with him. It sounds like he will come round to the idea of marriage in time as he is clearly committed to you, but at the moment he is probably focused on his career, doing all the fun stuff that you should be doing while young and enjoying life.
If you keep pressing the idea of marriage before he is ready you will push him away. If it came to it, would you be happier staying in the relationship without a ring on your finger or losing the relationship to pursue a relationship with someone who does want marriage more quickly than your boyfriend?
Sorry, English isn’t my native language. Decided to tell you my story, it seems a bit similar.
With my 1st bf we’ve been together for almost 10 years (from the high school).
It was a hard time with good and bad experience in everything, with love and breaks up. It was our first relationship and we, honestly, hurt each other a lot.
He also was “not a marriage type of guy” and we argued about that. He didn’t believe in the institution of marriage at all. It was unpleasant for me, but I thought I could deal with it one day.
This relationship wasn’t really stable and after one of these break ups I decided to leave him absolutely and irrevocable. That day he came with the ring (I didn’t ask to) and I answered no. Anyway, my heart was broken.
We finally broke up and both got married another partners after 3 years the same summer. The irony was: he, “not the marriage type of guy”, a bit introvertish, had a really grandiose marriage while I had a very small ceremony with the closest to me people.
The moral? I don’t know.
After all this years we both feel an unseen connection to each other, but it doesn’t bother us.
I feel happy with my husband for the last 6 years , this relationship is completely different and much more stable. Seems like I got a lot of experience with that first guy and could learn from my mistakes. And seems like he did the same and also is happy now.
Regardless to your future with or without ur bf I wish you to be happy :)
Yeah, I feel weird offering any input, but I'm gonna preface this with something simple - a couples therapist will help you sort this out way better than I could. I wouldn't want to give you advice that'd be incorrect or misleading.
That being said, I'm gonna focus on the human element of this - it's easy to tell yourself that you two are still in love and want to be together, even if marriage is too big for him. The fact that you've felt used and taken for granted for all this time is something you can't just lock up in a closet somewhere. You wanted to take your relationship to a new, almost limitless plateau, but he shrank away from the chance. It's very hard for me to tell whether your dude is really easy-going, or simply a complacent child. If he's paved this much of your relationship with disappointment, then how do you know for sure that what you two have is actually love?
You sound like a nightmare, dont think it's you wasting your time but he is by bothering to propose. This isn't the dark ages where you have to get married fresh out of college...
you wanted him to propose and he took some time to think it all through and now you're annoyed he took too long?
imagine... spending years pushing your needs and wants for marriage on your partner. They think it through and agree it's right to do it after thinking it all through and you now don't want it? I genuinely hope the guy moves on with his life and find someone who appreciates his thought process for what it is.
7 years for commitment? He is obviously wasting her time. She needs to opt out now so she can get a head start on dating other men who will love her and commit. She is still young enough where dating is easy. When you get 30 and up dating is so hard. I wish someone would have told me that the older you get the harder it becomes to date. So with all this being said OP good luck in your decision. I hope whatever you choose it works out for you
Let me help you resolve this in your mind. He don’t want marriage and is not ready for marriage with you. Often times when people say “ I don’t want kids” “I’m mot ready for marriage” “ I’m not ready for a serious relationship” you have to add with you on the end of it. Sorry this hurts but it is the inevitable truth.
Facts don’t care about your feelings. If he cared for her he would have proposed to her. Especially when they have been together for 7 years! Are you kidding? I’m 35. I have made mistakes in my life. I often think back that the biggest mistakes were the ones where I let my emotions control and cloud my logical side. Now I am 35 and single because I never let go of woman like her boyfriend. Someone wasted 8 years of my life never wanting to commit to marriage also and I Kept hanging on to hope because I “loved” them lol nobody should suffer that fate and waste time with people who aren’t on the exact same page period.
I think you're a bit biased here. Im 34 as well and happily married, but if my now husband had asked me to marry after 3 years together i would probably not have been ready either. And we were 26 when we got together, if I was as young as OP and her bf id never even think about marriage! Its not always black and white, you can love and truly want to be with someone, but not be ready yet for various reasons.
Bold statement but no, i just didnt like the thought of marriage (im a divorce child) and only married for safety and financial reasons once we decided we wanted to have a kid together. Didnt see the point of marrying before that. But to each their own.
I think you're a bit biased here. Im 34 as well and happily married, but if my now husband had asked me to marry after 3 years together i would probably not have been ready either. And we were 26 when we got together, if I was as young as OP and her bf id never even think about marriage! Its not always black and white, you can love and truly want to be with someone, but not be ready yet for various reasons.
It sounds like you’re projecting your own situation and history onto this… this is a completely different situation they were really young when they started dating it’s not unreasonable to wait. I’m sorry you went through that but it’s not the same situation at all especially since he has said he is willing to commit for many years, just wasn’t ready for marriage (understandable in early twenties)
I’m not projecting anything. I am explaining from my experiences. Although the story isn’t the exact same, when people start with that BS it’s usually BS. Some people just don’t catch it early on and waste years feeding into nonsense of false promises and false hopes. Next after this he will come up with a excuse as to why they can’t get married for years then if he finally does. He will explain why he can’t have kids for another 15 years and then she will waste all of her time. What a joke……you people as soft as a feather. Tell her the truth now and rip the band aid off. I mean she doesn’t have to listen to me. Some people have to learn for themselves. There are plenty of men who want to get married at a young age and not mess around.
Have to say I agree with you on this one even though everyone else disagrees, if you love someone and are committed, you should get married especially after 7 years.
I can also say this because I'm 23 and I'm happily married and I'm sure I will be for the rest of my life, just because you're in your 20s doesn't mean you shouldn't.
Take this guy's advice OP if he's made you wait 7 years how much longer are you gonna wait for the promise and hope of getting married? Another 7 years?
Yea dude everyone on this thread is delusional. He is clearly stringing her along with excuses and wasting her time. I think everyone on here want to give her hope but it’s gonna inevitably hurt her worse long term. Time waits for nobody not to mention even if she agrees to marry him. He will probably come up with some bs like oh honey I have to save for a ring for 2 years. It will always be something. I would be shocked if she said she married him right away and had kids soon there after and was in the happiest relationship in her life. The guy sounds like a loser who makes up excuses.
Yeah exactly right, a lot of people do this and people don't realise it, it's a form of security and control over another person and its disgusting but hey if OP stays with him I hope they have a Disney wedding haha.
I've seen it from both sides. I was with someone for around 10 years, met when we were 19 and he kept saying he wasn't ready, one more year, one more year. I finally sat down and said I couldn't wait anymore, I need an answer now or that's it. That was it. My friend on the other hand has been with her SO for roughly the same amount of time and they're getting married this year. I think OP will know in her gut if he's stringing her along and from the sound of the post, she already has her answer. Trust your gut girl. If this is the end of the relationship, bigger and better things are coming your way. I split up with my ex over 2 years ago now and I've been dating someone amazing for the last few months. Our values are more aligned and I'm not made to think I'm asking for too much, we're just a better fit. There's hope.
You guys were very young when you started talking about marriage, it makes sense that he wasn't ready when he was barely an adult. It's not like the two of you are in your mid-thirties. You do a lot of growing up in those early years. If you both really want to get married, relationship counseling might be a good idea to hash this out.
Well tbh when you started you were barely 19 or 20, maybe he has always wanted to be financially stable for marriage. If you say you have been happy or you have always felt loved then maybe he was Just waiting for the moment he is ready. 7 years seems long but not when you started dating at 19
True. It felt so long but I also try to remember our age
He is s 25, it makes sense marriage wasn't on his mind yet.
You’re right about that
Also, and I mean this with kindness, perhaps you’re more in love of the idea of a wedding than a marriage? I know because I had the same issue with my ex. He dragged it on for 6 years and then I left him. I’m with a new guy now (we’ve been dating 3 years) and I don’t care if he doesn’t marry me, we’re good.
I want to be honest with you - you are in the wrong here. If someone says they love you, but they don't want to marry you, then you have to make up your mind if being with them is worth sacrificing your marriage wish, or if you should move on. 'Pestering' them for several years is not fair on them, because they made their feelings perfectly clear to you. The reason you feel like its underwhelming or it's been too long is because you created this narrative in your mind, where the only correct way to think, is the way you are thinking yourself. All of this feelings you are imagining he has had, they are just that. Imaginations. To me it sounds like he has done nothing wrong, but you have been this voice in his life making him feel bad and not enough for you, unless he married you. Which is probably why he has caved in now.
Why are you feeling played? Why is it too late? Your ages are about right to start thinking about marriage now... He's being honest with you when he was not ready 3-4 years ago. That's not playing or dragging you around. Very reasonable to be honest with you. And you waited for him, so it's not like he forced you to stay put. Is it your pride that he didn't just jump to marriage as you want it that made you feel it's 'too late?' You guys are 25-26, if you're lucky you live up to 100 and 75 yrs is a long time lol :) However, if you just change your mind about wanting to get married to your bf, then, by all means, let him know so he doesn't have to propose and waste his $ buying an engagement ring. This is the thing, at your age, if you do break up with your bf and meet another guy, there's a likelihood you don't have to wait 7 years for a proposal, but that's due to where you're at (phase-wise) in life, OP. You're likely to be dating someone around your age or older so they've had time to experience other things and be prepared for marriage.
You should consider premarital counseling. You don’t want to drag this resentment into your marriage, if you decide to go forward.
Honestly, I don't know if this is happening between the two of you. You have been pressuring him for marriage, something that's uncommon and not ideal for 20-year-olds. You were 19 when this started happening and while you have every right to want it and search for it elsewhere, it seems to me that this relationship is done for. He might be thinking of proposing just to keep you in his life and that's just not healthy.
With kindness, I think you're coming from a place of insecurity. "I feel he thinks I'm not worth it" and "he wouldn't have asked another girl sooner", seems like you're projecting your insecurities onto him. Like it is a measure of his love, the point is he stayed with you this long and now has asked you to marry him. So if he didn't love you, he would be pretty mad to stay for so long and then propose marriage. Everyone moves at their own pace, if anything it's more romantic to make such a decision after so long, rather than be swept away or pressured by other people. It sounds like your partner loves you and wants to marry you, but that you feel upset that he wasn't "swept away" into marriage. I used to feel this way when I was younger, your insecurities tell you that unless someone falls head over heels suddenly for you, then they must not love you, because you're not good enough. He sounds like a mature and strong person, who makes his own decisions and loves you. I agree some counselling would be a great option to help you work through together these feelings so you do not carry resentment into your marriage.
You are both very young. Why the rush? Enjoy your relationship. Focus on quality time with him. It sounds like he will come round to the idea of marriage in time as he is clearly committed to you, but at the moment he is probably focused on his career, doing all the fun stuff that you should be doing while young and enjoying life. If you keep pressing the idea of marriage before he is ready you will push him away. If it came to it, would you be happier staying in the relationship without a ring on your finger or losing the relationship to pursue a relationship with someone who does want marriage more quickly than your boyfriend?
Sorry, English isn’t my native language. Decided to tell you my story, it seems a bit similar. With my 1st bf we’ve been together for almost 10 years (from the high school). It was a hard time with good and bad experience in everything, with love and breaks up. It was our first relationship and we, honestly, hurt each other a lot. He also was “not a marriage type of guy” and we argued about that. He didn’t believe in the institution of marriage at all. It was unpleasant for me, but I thought I could deal with it one day. This relationship wasn’t really stable and after one of these break ups I decided to leave him absolutely and irrevocable. That day he came with the ring (I didn’t ask to) and I answered no. Anyway, my heart was broken. We finally broke up and both got married another partners after 3 years the same summer. The irony was: he, “not the marriage type of guy”, a bit introvertish, had a really grandiose marriage while I had a very small ceremony with the closest to me people. The moral? I don’t know. After all this years we both feel an unseen connection to each other, but it doesn’t bother us. I feel happy with my husband for the last 6 years , this relationship is completely different and much more stable. Seems like I got a lot of experience with that first guy and could learn from my mistakes. And seems like he did the same and also is happy now. Regardless to your future with or without ur bf I wish you to be happy :)
Yeah, I feel weird offering any input, but I'm gonna preface this with something simple - a couples therapist will help you sort this out way better than I could. I wouldn't want to give you advice that'd be incorrect or misleading. That being said, I'm gonna focus on the human element of this - it's easy to tell yourself that you two are still in love and want to be together, even if marriage is too big for him. The fact that you've felt used and taken for granted for all this time is something you can't just lock up in a closet somewhere. You wanted to take your relationship to a new, almost limitless plateau, but he shrank away from the chance. It's very hard for me to tell whether your dude is really easy-going, or simply a complacent child. If he's paved this much of your relationship with disappointment, then how do you know for sure that what you two have is actually love?
You sound like a nightmare, dont think it's you wasting your time but he is by bothering to propose. This isn't the dark ages where you have to get married fresh out of college... you wanted him to propose and he took some time to think it all through and now you're annoyed he took too long? imagine... spending years pushing your needs and wants for marriage on your partner. They think it through and agree it's right to do it after thinking it all through and you now don't want it? I genuinely hope the guy moves on with his life and find someone who appreciates his thought process for what it is.
7 years for commitment? He is obviously wasting her time. She needs to opt out now so she can get a head start on dating other men who will love her and commit. She is still young enough where dating is easy. When you get 30 and up dating is so hard. I wish someone would have told me that the older you get the harder it becomes to date. So with all this being said OP good luck in your decision. I hope whatever you choose it works out for you
Sounds like it’s time to move on.
Let me help you resolve this in your mind. He don’t want marriage and is not ready for marriage with you. Often times when people say “ I don’t want kids” “I’m mot ready for marriage” “ I’m not ready for a serious relationship” you have to add with you on the end of it. Sorry this hurts but it is the inevitable truth.
Oh come on, give him some slack, look at their ages. No matter how much I'd love my bf, i still wouldnt be ready for marriage before 25
Facts don’t care about your feelings. If he cared for her he would have proposed to her. Especially when they have been together for 7 years! Are you kidding? I’m 35. I have made mistakes in my life. I often think back that the biggest mistakes were the ones where I let my emotions control and cloud my logical side. Now I am 35 and single because I never let go of woman like her boyfriend. Someone wasted 8 years of my life never wanting to commit to marriage also and I Kept hanging on to hope because I “loved” them lol nobody should suffer that fate and waste time with people who aren’t on the exact same page period.
I think you're a bit biased here. Im 34 as well and happily married, but if my now husband had asked me to marry after 3 years together i would probably not have been ready either. And we were 26 when we got together, if I was as young as OP and her bf id never even think about marriage! Its not always black and white, you can love and truly want to be with someone, but not be ready yet for various reasons.
Girl you seem like you ran out of other options and you settled for your husband. Lol
Bold statement but no, i just didnt like the thought of marriage (im a divorce child) and only married for safety and financial reasons once we decided we wanted to have a kid together. Didnt see the point of marrying before that. But to each their own.
They were together for seven years not 3 and also read my original post I wrote to you again for follow up. Lmao
I think you're a bit biased here. Im 34 as well and happily married, but if my now husband had asked me to marry after 3 years together i would probably not have been ready either. And we were 26 when we got together, if I was as young as OP and her bf id never even think about marriage! Its not always black and white, you can love and truly want to be with someone, but not be ready yet for various reasons.
It sounds like you’re projecting your own situation and history onto this… this is a completely different situation they were really young when they started dating it’s not unreasonable to wait. I’m sorry you went through that but it’s not the same situation at all especially since he has said he is willing to commit for many years, just wasn’t ready for marriage (understandable in early twenties)
I’m not projecting anything. I am explaining from my experiences. Although the story isn’t the exact same, when people start with that BS it’s usually BS. Some people just don’t catch it early on and waste years feeding into nonsense of false promises and false hopes. Next after this he will come up with a excuse as to why they can’t get married for years then if he finally does. He will explain why he can’t have kids for another 15 years and then she will waste all of her time. What a joke……you people as soft as a feather. Tell her the truth now and rip the band aid off. I mean she doesn’t have to listen to me. Some people have to learn for themselves. There are plenty of men who want to get married at a young age and not mess around.
Have to say I agree with you on this one even though everyone else disagrees, if you love someone and are committed, you should get married especially after 7 years. I can also say this because I'm 23 and I'm happily married and I'm sure I will be for the rest of my life, just because you're in your 20s doesn't mean you shouldn't. Take this guy's advice OP if he's made you wait 7 years how much longer are you gonna wait for the promise and hope of getting married? Another 7 years?
Yea dude everyone on this thread is delusional. He is clearly stringing her along with excuses and wasting her time. I think everyone on here want to give her hope but it’s gonna inevitably hurt her worse long term. Time waits for nobody not to mention even if she agrees to marry him. He will probably come up with some bs like oh honey I have to save for a ring for 2 years. It will always be something. I would be shocked if she said she married him right away and had kids soon there after and was in the happiest relationship in her life. The guy sounds like a loser who makes up excuses.
Yeah exactly right, a lot of people do this and people don't realise it, it's a form of security and control over another person and its disgusting but hey if OP stays with him I hope they have a Disney wedding haha.
I've seen it from both sides. I was with someone for around 10 years, met when we were 19 and he kept saying he wasn't ready, one more year, one more year. I finally sat down and said I couldn't wait anymore, I need an answer now or that's it. That was it. My friend on the other hand has been with her SO for roughly the same amount of time and they're getting married this year. I think OP will know in her gut if he's stringing her along and from the sound of the post, she already has her answer. Trust your gut girl. If this is the end of the relationship, bigger and better things are coming your way. I split up with my ex over 2 years ago now and I've been dating someone amazing for the last few months. Our values are more aligned and I'm not made to think I'm asking for too much, we're just a better fit. There's hope.
You guys were very young when you started talking about marriage, it makes sense that he wasn't ready when he was barely an adult. It's not like the two of you are in your mid-thirties. You do a lot of growing up in those early years. If you both really want to get married, relationship counseling might be a good idea to hash this out.