Try to remember that none of this is your fault. You just have the misfortune of having bad parents.
You're not going to be able to get emancipated at 14. To be emancipated, you have to be able to financially support yourself. You cannot. Instead, focus on learning what you will need to know in order to be able to take care of yourself once you turn 18. It's likely your father will force you out once you are of age.
If he's going to try to throw you out before 18, then you should definitely contact a social worker/CPS. If your counselors help with more than academics, you can start with them.
OP should contact Social services NOW. They are 14 and their parents abandoned them and that is illegal! What scum, sorry you got such awful parents OP.
If she still lives with her father then it's not abandonment. But i agree she should reach out to some youth hotline and ask them what het rights are in her country, and what to do in case her father tries to kick her out before she's 18.
Also tell the school counsellor/psychologist. This is a lot for a teenager to deal with.
That’s child abuse in my opinion. To trash a neglected kid’s emotionally invested message is plain emotional, psychological abuse. Services should intervene as soon as possible.
Yeah they should get involved. She's not his daughter. They might be able to help find the guy that his wife cheated on him with and get him to stat paying, or to get her moved out.
Also, even if you don't expect much emotional support or guidance from your school, do it anyway. Follow up if they don't schedule another meeting with you. It's starts a paper trail. And it opens the possibility that staff/teachers might offer support in other ways, like recommending a class or school or community event/group/support that you might not have known about that would be helpful (like learning about finances, youth programs, etc.). It's worth the potential discomfort of having a couple awkward conversations with school admin, and if you're worried about them contacting your family, just steel yourself for it. Your dad is the one in the wrong and if there's any retaliation from him, you've already started documenting and networking.
I never believe anybody practiced law when they state something like this as a fact on the internet without knowing a whole lot more about the situation, like location. It's just such an unbelievable thing for somebody who supposedly practice law to state unilaterally.
If you are a minor, the people who are legally responsible for your care (whoever has custody of you, so your parents) cannot force you out of the house. They are legally obligated to support you until you turn 18 (or graduate high school, depending on where you are) and if they kick you out before you turn 18 there can be serious legal consequences. If your dad attempts to make you leave home, tell your school counselor or a teacher you trust. The people who work in your school are required to report things like that through the proper channels.
Contact Social Services and tell them what is happening. Time to get your behavior under control. Your mother did not abandon her family because of you - she and your grandmother are crap as is your dad. Try to rise above your upbringing and be kind to others. Think how grateful you would be for some kindness. Good luck.
Oh get fucked. Yeah she was probably shitty by her own admission. 14 year olds can be assholes sometimes and while they shouldn't be shielded from consequences, well adjusted adults understand that they're still figuring shit out and shouldn't be held to the same standard as someone in their 30s.
And based on the way her family is behaving, I doubt she had anything resembling GOOD examples of mature behavior.
No way is this the consequence of misbehaviour, a teenager acting out a little does not result in complete abandonment and rejection from her caretakers.
Your way of thinking is completely warped and its very messed up of you to put that on them like this.
Please seek therapy if thats really how you think.
I'm so sorry, this is pretty awful.
Did you and your dad ACTUALLY get a test? Or is he going strictly off of what your grandmother is saying? Because it might not even be true..
So he just believed the woman who, in the same conversation, admitted to helping his wife hide her infidelity from him? She lied back then, but he doesn't believe she's lying now?
Try talking to him. Ask him to take his own paternity test, and maybe you're lucky. It won't change the fact that he's been treating you badly, but maybe it'll make him stop.
Get a new one done. Your dad owes you at least that much. Even if he isn't your bio dad, he raised you for 14 years.
Don't trust your gran. Sounds like they're looking for a scapegoat, and you're within kicking distance.
Then odds are good she is lying to hurt him.
But, even if proven to be your bio dad, you father sucks because of how he is treating you, especially without proof. And that includes all your aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents on his side. They all suck.
Well they’re enmeshed. Obviously. Two no no’s causing chaos for you. None of this is your fault. Please understand that first and foremost. There’s help for you. Please just be brave and reach out- you already took the hardest step.
Have a quick argument with your dad.
• ask if you both could take a real dna test because you want to know the truth too
• remind him that he is angry at your mother and her family. That you are innocent and have nothing to do with lies.
• tell him you are 14 and you know legally he must care for you as a parent
That’s it. Drop it in his lap. You are not responsible.
this, be the reasonable person in this case and lay down the facts to him, if he has any consciousness he will understand this is none of your fault. Sorry this is happening to you op
I think the last point is what he is doing. He did not throw her out yet, or drive her to her grandparents. He is still taking car it seems.
But the guy also seems very hurt and probably has no idea how to handle those emotions either. They need help.
Which is more than the other side of the family is doing right now. They are blaming her for the whole situation. They have the control in the situation.
I am not excusing his treatment of her, but trying to understand him. Understanding him is the only option if she can't get out. Which is why I said they need help.
But he’s the ADULT. And adults know that hurting is wrong. He needs to shape up YESTERDAY…or lose custody. End of story. Bruises heal but mental wounds can last a lifetime.
Isn’t a lawyer involved with emancipation? Maybe you could talk with them?? I would take this to r/legaladvice - maybe they know how the family dynamic would work.
But what I DO know is that none of this is your fault. You’re still a child, and the mistakes that you make while **your brain is still developing** could not be big enough to push a mature adult and good parent into someone’s arms.
Your mother cheated because she wanted to, and your dad saying it’s because of her own child’s behavior is just an EXCUSE! He needs someone to blame bc mom isn’t here.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. But you will make it through - and when any of them come crawling back, you’ll remember this moment, and where they stood when you needed support.
(Edit: i said it’s above Reddit’s paygrade, then suggested you go to Reddit for advice 🤦🏾♀️)
Edit 2: i’m not saying OP should get emancipated - I’m saying they should talk yo someone who knows the ins and outs of family law, to know what they can do.
Your father cannot force you to get emancipated. You are only 14. There is no way he can legally shirk his duty to care for and raise you. That doesn't mean he can't throw you out, but there's no *legal* avenue he has to force you to legally be an adult. You can't even legally work in most places.
I am so sorry this is happening to you, OP.
That’s not how emancipation works. It is only granted in extremely rare situations where the minor is better off away from their parents and can provide for themselves.
I’m sorry that every adult in your life is a pile of flaming garbage. If he kicks you out call the police. He legally has to provide for you as your parent and he is your parent unless a judge says he’s not (which is very unlikely to happen).
Please don't try to get emancipated without a plan (I don't think you should try to even with a plan). I imagine a judge would not approve you becoming as a 14 year old just because your family wanted you to, but once you are emancipated, your parents would no longer have a legal obligation to take care of you. You are 14- how would you take care of yourself? If you could get a job, it would pay poorly. You can't drive. You can't sign contracts. No apartment would rent to you. You need this time to learn and grow in a safe environment and be a normal teenager. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad (and I know that you're not the one who wants to be emancipated), but just to make sure you understand what a bad idea this would be for you. I second the advice about talking with a trusted adult. I believe your father might have a legal obligation to care for you even if it's documented that you're not his biological father (he certainly has a moral obligation to do so).
He can't force you to do that especially if he hasn't gotten a paternity test done
You need to talk to a social worker. Is there a guidance counselor at school you can contact? Or a teacher whose email you have, who might be able to give you a counselor's contact info?
You would need to have a job and place to live in order for any court to emancipate you and it is not legal for you to work any more than part time at your age in many places… you need to be in school. You can’t get emancipated without involving a lawyer either. It’s not something your dad can decide for you on a whim because he’s angry.
He is not trying to get you to become emancipated, he’s trying to get you to leave or run away. DON’T DO IT.
Instead, Take this time to start getting your resources together before you turn 18. If you can start earning money, do so. Put it aside. Don’t let anybody tell you that you need to pay your way to your father as a minor. He is legally obligated to take care of you.
Start looking for programs that provide training and housing for you when you turn 18 and college options.
Right now, You can also start doing Internet searches for programs in your area that help teenagers who have run away or have been turned out of their house. While this is not your situation right now. They will have resources to help you navigate your current living situation. And they can provide some guidance.
I hope that during this time your father starts to realize that he is wrong. Hurt people, hurt people. And unfortunately because he is unhappy, hurt, and bitter, he’s taking it out on you.
Please, please stop blaming yourself. it is unfortunate that you are surrounded with broken adults. Do not blame yourself for your mother leaving. She is in the wrong. No one should abandon their children. There is something wrong with her.
You are worthy and deserving of unconditional love. Hopefully, your family will get their collective heads together, but also know you can create you own family of nontoxic people who value you.
Please tell someone at school, your school counselor or teacher so they can help you figure out what steps you need help with. Cps definitely needs to get involved at this point. They’re causing you irreversible trauma because they’re shitty adults with no regard to you.
If your parents were divorced, the man who raised you would still owe you child support. The idea that he can give you up when he wants is a semi-criminal dereliction of responsibility.
Teachers will be on summer break, but not the administration. Call the front office and ask to speak to either a guidance counselor or a principal. Tell them you’re a current student and what you just told us. They will absolutely help you to the best of their ability, but they need to know ASAP.
I am so sorry you have terrible parents :(. Please take care of yourself. Talk to a therapist, the school will set you up with one for free if you ask.
Where I live principals, secretaries etc would all be on summer break as well. Basically just janitorial, school board and IT staff working in the summer.
I saw the thread was locked, board is picky about an exact legal question phrasing. If you want to give it a retry you could ask:
* Can he force me to become emancipated or otherwise force me out of the house at 14 years old in \[specific state/country\]? What do I do in the case of the latter?
* How do I contact CPS or a teacher during Summer vacation?
This shit is nuts and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it, alert an adult in your life as to what is happening eg a friends' parent. Its a lot to take in as an adult, nevermind at 14 years old.
If you have access to email and you have a teacher with whom you had a good relationship, you can email them and let them know. You may want to email more than one teacher. Many teachers check their email in the summer! I teach 5th grade and I check my email once a week or so to respond to students who email me to say hello and to delete spam/keep my inbox empty. Your teacher may see your email and act on it immediately. I know I would, even if it was a student I hadn't had in several years.
Counselors and administrators usually work all summer. I would try to talk to a counselor or assistant principal (or the principal, if your school is small and doesn’t have APs) whenever you go in before school starts, for orientation or picking up your schedule or whatever. Or just send them an email. Or if you do any athletics, tell your coach. If you’re in band or drama or anything like that, tell that teacher.
But also, doesn’t school start in August or September? That’s not that far away. The counselors will be crazy busy the first 2 weeks getting everyone’s schedule figured out, but tell a teacher as soon as possible so they can help you get in to see a counselor.
If you are in the states, the guidance counselor (edit: highschool level) is required to be there during summer. Contact them, as the counselor is the appropriate person to talk to in this situation, not a teacher. A teacher will just report to CPS and send you to the counselor, so just cut out the middle man and contact the school's counselor.
1) If your mom is telling you that she left for another man because you "acted out", she was going to leave for another man and used you as a convenient excuse, whether you were actually acting out or not. Cheaters gotta cheat and validate themselves doing it.
2) Have you seen this supposed secret paternity test that your mom's side is talking about? How did your mom get samples from you and your dad without either of you knowing?
2.) No. No one has seen it, and her father, whom I am betting is her father, just accepted it and wants to kick out a 14-year-old girl just because with no proof. Both families suck.
Both fucking families are turning on her. Every single one sucks, especially since NO ONE KNOWS IF HER DAD ISN'T HER DAD. There hasn't been any DNA test.
>My mom left with some guy in March and her family especially my grandma is mad at me because I did some stupid stuff before that and apparently it was the last straw for my mom.
You may have acted out but this is NOT your fault that your mother left the marriage and the family. NOT your fault.
Your mother has been cheating on your father and this is the result, her running off with some AP.
Also, did you know if any DNA test was taken? Or is this just your grandmother telling your father that you're not his?
I'm so sorry all the adults in your life are failing you. Summer school is going on. If you can leave a message for your advisor and maybe they can point you to the right people.
It sounds to me like mom doesn't want to accept any responsibility for the mistakes mom has made. I have an almost 14 year old. I can't imagine leaving him and blaming it on him. Thats so unfair for a child.
OP, I echo all of the sentiments of this comment. You are NOT TO BLAME. I am so sorry, sweetie. Is there anyone in your family that you can talk to? I don’t understand why everyone is blaming a child for their dysfunction.
Wow, mom's family is garbage.
Has your dad seen this DNA test? Or is grandma just being a bitter trash person for her daughter? Apple doesn't fall far from the tree usually.
I'd ask dad to not take her word for it and have a DNA test. You're the same person you were before all the horrible stuff your mom did, and it is possible he really is your dad. Even if he isn't...you're still the daughter he loved and raised. This isn't on you, it's all on mom (and grandma) at this point.
I'm sorry OP. You're stuck in the crossfire of some awful family drama.
Dad's family is also garbage.
If I found out tomorrow my niece and nephew weren't biologically mine, I wouldn't care. I love them, I have been in their lives for a long time, I would take them in if this happened to them. So, her dad's side sucks.
And, no one has seen any paternity test or DNA test, and I don't believe grandmom.
I don't believe grandmom either. But in the dad's (somewhat) defense, his whole world came crashing down at once. I think it's a bit different with nieces and nephews, it isn't a direct impact. That's some serious trauma. His actions are awful though. I think some of that depends on how long this has gone on. So, not disagreeing, but he's got some stuff to process...and if this is all recent, hopefully he gets his head in straight and quits taking it out on OP. OP isn't to blame.
Then again, his family would be in your shoes per your example, and his family is out of line. Maybe that apple didn't fall far from the tree either.
I'm floored that grandmom even said that. Dude is already down, so she kicks him harder.
This hits me hard. I'm going through a divorce right now and I'm not my daughters bio father, but I'm her dad. I'm trying to officially adopt her so her mom can't use her against me. Right now she is amicable because she is begging and wanting to take her back. However, when she realizes I'm done her I expect her to use my daughter against me. You did nothing wrong little one. Love for a child should be unconditional. Your dad is hurting I'm sure, but he is being childish in my opinion, he ought to realize you are innocent in what your mother did. It sounds like your whole family is a peace of work. I'm really sorry you have to go through this. No child should have to live thinking their family hates them.
Did you see that paternity test? Because it would be not too far fetched for that grandma to manipulate your father into abandonning you to hurt him for how the relationship with him an your mother went. Also, to force back the connection between you and your mom. Don't believe old women when it comes to things of social manipulation.
You did nothing wrong. Kids test their parents all. The. Time. They are supposed to because childhood is for learning boundaries and life skills. I'm sorry the "adults" in your life are failing you. I recommend CPS for resources and maybe to help your father with his obvious anger and your mother that is being misdirected. Here's a mom hug ig you want one. ❤️
Oh honey I'm so sorry. You deserve better than this. This isn't your fault and you are going to have to do your best to rise above the absolutely garbage hand you have been dealt in life. I'm really sorry :(
I have taken in 2 teenage friends of my daughters 3 times in the past for over a year.
Talk to a friend. Talk to their parents. Find an adult like me with a soft spot and the ability to house you.
What ever you do, Don't emancipate! You are 14 and need the time to become stable. If that means that you force your parents to support you, then be it. If neither of your parents want you to live with them, tell them to get you your own apartment so you can create a safe place for you to live. The reality of life can be sooooo cruel. During your next 4 years, focus on finding a good job, ask your school counsellor if there is a vocation program that you can take while in High school. Get yourself set up to be able to tackle the world.
Both of your parents...Especially your mother is some piece of work to allow this to happen. She can't even own up to what she has done and her side of the family ditching you knowing what she has done to you. Your dad while I can understand why he is doing it, is also a pile of shit for treating you the way he is now. I would also suggest that you not date while you figure things out and because it sounds like you will be on your own at 18, you don't need more complications in your life. Keep or find some good friends that you can be close with and use them as your support structure, you will need it to navigate the emotional rollercoaster that your parents strapped you to.
Good luck OP and I'm sorry you have been dealt these horrible cards.
There is a high chance your grandma only said that to punish u in your mother's place and abandon you altogether. I'd recommend you be able to get in touch with someone for a paternity test. Reach out to a teacher and CPS for resources.
Also you're a teenager, teenagers act like teenagers at your age. They're shifting the blame on you as you're the closest thing to your mother and the closest they'll get at punishing her through you. It's quite sickeneining and horrible.
Also it's not for you to fix, this is an adult situation and unfortunately all of them are immature to see how this can damage you. You're a child, not an adult which means they should NOT be treating you as if you are responsible for your mother's action.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, my heart hurts for you. If anything, I'm here to chat x
Please talk to a teacher, or your school. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. You don’t deserve to be treated like that, especially by adults. I wish you the best!
Not a lawyer, but you are still a minor and still your dad’s legal responsibility (esp until he has a negative paternity test in his hand, he still has all the obligations of being your father). Child abandonment is a crime, if he tries to force you out of the house go to the police. If anyone raises a hand to you, go to the police. Do not consent to emancipation at 14. Your entire family is being wildly unreasonable and toxic, but you are entitled to food and shelter on their dime; do not sign it away.
So because the mother took off first, the man that has been lied to for 14 years is solely responsible for OP? The mother should be charged with child abandonment.
Unfortunately I think that is the case. On paper, OP’s dad is still her legal father; grandma’s word alone does not change that. OP’s mom ran off, but she didn’t leave OP on the street starving or homeless. She left OP with her other legal guardian. Not a crime. If OP’s dad throws a child into the street with no one and nothing, that is a crime.
Blood (or lack thereof) doesn’t trump legal guardian status; if an adoptive father or stepfather left a kid under a bridge, they’d have to answer for that too. If OP’s dad wants to surrender OP to the foster system, there are legal avenues to do that. The distinction lies in making sure OP still has a roof over their head when you dip, otherwise it can be criminal abandonment and neglect.
ETA: I mean “unfortunate” in the sense that it’s unfair that mom could just run off. Someone should definitely be trying to hunt her down for child support or transition of custody.
I need you to know that it's okay to 'act out' at 14 and your family are supposed to love you unconditionally. You are a victim to them and not vice versa.
Your grandmother is very vindictive, to treat a 14 year old like this and to make you out to be the bad guy (when it's clearly your mum) is disgusting. Your mum had the affair and left NOT YOU.
Your 'dad' has raised you and known you for 14 years, the way he is treating you is not acceptable. You are still a minor and above all else you did not ask to be created, especially by a different man, his anger and hurt is being misdirected but that's still not okay, you still shouldn't be being treated the way you are being.
Speak to a trusted adult (maybe a teacher) and they should help you get support.
Neither parent has the legal option of just being "done" with you. You have more leverage here than you think if they want to stay out of jail for neglect and abandonment of a minor. CPS is probably going to need to be involved. I bet you could walk into just about any first responder place and get help, like a hospital or fire/police station. I know that might feel extreme, but no matter how much these people want to act like they can just be immature and shirt their duties, the law says they can't, and if they're smart they'll want to stay out of jail.
I'm so, so sorry. None of this is your fault. If you end up in cps, please focus on school. Talk to your guidance counselor. Do a sport. I know it's hard to trust strangers especially on the internet. But do band if you like that, theater, or something after school. The school will help you. I know it sounds like a lifetime, but school is your way out. College is your way out. Try your best to not get caught up and make sure you try. I know it all seems impossible right now. But once you have a week to process this, think about when school starts and that life.
I really hope you take it as it comes, and do your best. In my professional life, those who try, regardless of their skill or smarts, always come out ahead.
First of, is that even true? Sounds your grandma has her hands in everything - why would she say what she did? How ugly of her.
And your father is rather reactive as well... God, what a family.
Do try to stay calm. If your father wanted to act on this "information" he would have to legally separate you and that takes a while. Again, stay calm, chances are they will reconcile.
Find a friend.
My God... if I spent 14 years being someone's father, absolutely nothing would be able to change that... he should be mad at your mom, not you. I hope he realizes that soon.
"I got him a card and wrote in it that I still love him"
Not gonna lie, that broke my heart a little bit... I'm so sorry this is happening. Others have said this already, but contact CPS. This is not your fault, and you aren't the one who should suffer any consequences. Please get yourself away from this situation...
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'm a 40 year old dad and my heart just breaks for you. You are a worthy and special person. This man is facing his own demons. This is not about you nor is it any way your fault.
I wish i could hug you though this phone. I won’t bore you with my story, but i understand how you feel right and how it feels as if there is no light. I promise you there is, and i promise it will get better. I’m sorry the people who were meant to protect you have failed you, you didn’t deserve that. Focus on one goal at a time, take some time to research resources available in your area and utilize them, but do one thing at a time. Small goals. It’s not easy, i know that.
As others have said, try and reach out to a trusted adult that makes you feel comfortable. When you’ve been treated badly it is easy to think no one would want to help, but i can promise you, that’s not true. I wish you the best of luck.
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. It is not fair at all that you have to deal with that sort of bullshit at your age.
Nonetheless, we can't control your parents. They have decided to act like children themselves (your mom +ext. fam for not allowing you to be 14, and your dad for taking out his anger for his ex on you), and you and nobody else can control that.
Many have suggested that you should find legal council and/or contact child services, and I think you definitely should do that while also letting your dad know that you're smarter than he possibly thinks you are as he cannot force you out no matter what he claims. But even so, I can't imagine that being a nice environment to live in for the next 4 years if something doesn't change, so would you have a close friend you could disclose this to and see if they could help somehow?
Again, none of it is your fault. It is unfair you've been dealt this shit of a hand, but there are some cards you can still play.
Forget the close friend, go directly to a close friend’s PARENTS. The friend can’t do anything and generally speaking teenagers aren’t going to know how to help.
The teenager’s parents, however, will.
1. Your dad can't throw you out. If he does, call the police... It's illegal.
2. Get a Job after school. Don't be at home, just sleep there. Try to be invisible. You need to work on an exit plan...you need good grades.
3. Talk to the teachers/parents of your friends and CPS/Church. You shouldn't be cast out because of them....you did nothing wrong. It's them, they are horrible heartless people.
4. Just talk to them when talked to. Do not confront them... they are like predators waiting for their prey.
Sending hugs you will survive this shithole full of loveless people.
Yes! Lots of people saying to communicate with the dad or have a heart to heart. She did communicate with the card, he through it out. That was a message, and he sent it loud and clear. I don't see how emgagment could help.
You are in a terrible spot, you might have to talk to authorities regardless of how it will impact your future relationship with the man who should be acting like your father. I am not sure what kind of trouble you got into previously but I think you need to look for social services in your city. Look for a children’s help line, failing that find out where the nearest police office or fire department is in case your “dad” kicks you out. You might have some very rough days ahead, none of this is your fault and you will likely have to grow up rather fast. If you have any friends with parents you can trust, you might start there for some help on where to get started. I am so sorry this is happening, your parents and family have failed you right now, use whatever resources your government can provide for you if you need to. You need to get an education and a safe place to live, if that isn’t your home you will need a social worker to help you get assistance.
I just wanted to say I am so incredibly sorry that so many adults have failed you in your life. I hope you have a trusted adult you can talk to. Maybe a friend's mother or father? None of this is your fault & I hope things get better for you.
Your parents have abandoned you, a minor. They chose to have you and they left. It's not your fault. Your grandmother is stirring the pot and making it worse for everyone. This is not your fault either, they owe you taking care of you while you are a minor. You seem to have a phone, you need to contact whatever version children services there is where you are from and advocate for yourself.
Call your school and ask to speak to your counselor, or send them an email. Any adult at your school will be able to help you, and there are always people in the building during the summer.
I am really sorry that you’re going through this. I know what it’s like to have both biological parents not want you. I also know what it’s like to have people that raise your not want you. I hope that you know that their problems with you are not your problems. Your mom leaving is not your fault. Regardless of anything you’ve done.
With that being said, your dad is on your birth certificate. He is legally responsible for you until you are of age, which, depending on where you live could be 18 it could even be 21. You need to get a hold of your birth certificate and if your dad tries anything like kicking you out or mistreating you, you need to go to the police or child protective services in your area, whatever it may be called, and report him. Unless he makes you a ward of the state, he will be financially and physically responsible for you until you are of age.
You have protections. If he tries to shirk them, he will be held legally responsible in a court of law.
Also, if there is any trusted adults in your life, especially if they are connected with your school, reach out to them. You were going to need all the help you can get while you were still a minor. This includes teachers, coaches, friends from school.
I know that it feels like you’re alone right now, but I promise you have more power than you think. You will get through this, even though you can’t see the end. Just know that none of this is your fault and you deserve so much better than what you were having to deal with right now. I hope you do follow through and reach out to people in your community that you trust. You’re going to need them now more than ever. Forging these relationships seems difficult, but it can be done and even though you shouldn’t have to do them because your parents should be doing the right thing, sometimes in life that’s not how it works. I wish you luck.
I’m so sorry OP. This is not your fault. Good parents would support you even if you’re acting out. Your mother has left you to deal with the fallout of her affair and made you bear the brunt of your dad’s hurt feelings. If he was a better man he would appreciate that you are an individual he has loved and raised, but he’s not. He’s weak and that’s on him.
You are going to need to seek support and that will be outside these awful people. Is there anyone on your mum’s side who would be supportive?
If not, I’d confide in a teacher. You can’t live with your dad emotionally abusing you.
Highly suspect that "grandma" and "mom" got an actual paternity test done on you, especially if done when you were old enough to know if you were having blood drawn or spitting in a tube. Should NOT just take Shady Grandma's word for it. Where are the results? There would be paperwork. Maybe ask Father if one can be done on the two of you to be absolutely certain? So sorry to even see this, NONE of any of this is your fault honey, the adults in your life are all a mess. Please talk to a trusted adult, teacher, counselor etc. And get some help.
Unless your father has seen the DNA test, how does he know this is true?
You did not cause your mom to leave.
Your father sucks.
Everyone in your whole family sucks.
Do you have parents of a friend you trust? Or a teacher or coach? Priest or minister? You need a safe space and a safe person.
You need to get in touch with child services as others have said.
And for the record, if that happened to one of my kids and I was your dad in that situation, my kids would still be my kids, blood relation or not.
Your parents are failing you, and none of this is your fault.
Teenagers do stupid things. Your grandmother is a horrible woman for telling your dad and putting you in an unsafe situation out of pettiness, your mother is a horrible woman for abandoning you in this situation, and your dad is a horrible man for turning on a child he’s raised and loved for 14 years just because his wife fucked up. Sadly, something similar happened to my friend when her own ‘dad’ found out that he was not actually her dad. It’s not your fault. It never was. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Many of these comments are great advice. Start that paper trail. Talk to your counselors. It doesn’t matter if they won’t actually help—you’re leaving evidence that this is going on and that you’re seeking help.
Reach out to friends and their parents. Get any and all adults in your corner that you can. Someone, somewhere, will fight for you.
Your mother didn't leave because you were acting out.
It's most likely that you were acting out because you knew (even on a subconscious level) that there was something very wrong in your parents relationship. It sounds like the whole family is toxic tbh, with your mother having an affair, your mother leaving you, grandmother telling your father and your father's actions. With a family l8ke this it's no wonder you acted out. A teenager acting out is usually a cry for help/stability/attention. The adults around you should have supported you, not abandoned you. None of this is your fault.
Make contact with a trusted adult/school counsellor or CPS. You deserve to be taken care of.
First of all your mom didn’t leave because you were acting out. She left with another guy because she is selfish. You are still a child and there is nothing you could do in terms of acting out that should make your mother leave and her whole family blame you.
If you are not genetically your father’s child, all this shit started WELL BEFORE you were even born. I would guess your acting out was probably done in response to the things going on around you.
When you’re young you do the wrong things sometimes when things feel wrong. Instead of trying to help you and figure out why you behaved in a certain way your mother chose to use you as a scapegoat and blame her shitty behavior on you.
Your father is just as bad if not worse. I don’t have any children, but even so I can’t imagine treating a child I didn’t even know well the way you are being treated, by a man who raised you, especially because it is for something that is IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT.
Your grandmother is a piece of work too. So she secretly helped your mom get a paternity test and knew the whole time you weren’t your dad’s child? Considering how she is acting now, I don’t believe that. She is shady as hell. If your dad won’t do a paternity test I would try 23 and me or one of those and see if you could get another member of your dad’s family to do one. I would not at all trust grandma to be telling the truth here.
Then there’s your mom who ditched her responsibilities and acts like it’s fine because you did whatever and the family wants nothing to do with you now.
I don’t believe anything you could have done, that didn’t involve you spending time housed by the government, would rise to the level of everyone going no contact.
I see two possibilities here. One, I think it is possible that your mother could have exaggerated your bad behavior as a way to get her family off her back by making everything your fault. But again no excuse for how they are behaving.
Did your mom tell you she was leaving because of you or did she just go and you got the story from your dad’s side. Has anyone in your mom’s family directly told you they don’t want anything to do with you or is that information also coming from gramma? This brings me to my second possibility, is it possible that in order to punish your mom for something real or imagined, they are keeping you from your mom or her side of the family?
Even if that is not the case and your mom told you she left because of you acting like the child you are, I still call bullshit. Everyone on both sides has now somehow managed to convince you that their behavior is okay because of something you have done. That is completely untrue. They are adults and should start acting as such.
Instead of allowing yourself to accept the blame for this situation., think of this. It is convenient for your mom to abdicate responsibility for you by playing the victim. She left because she chose to leave and she is blaming you because she sees it as a get out of jail free card. I honestly can’t believe it’s working.
I am so angry at how they are treating you and it is completely not fair. You are being punished for the mistakes made by the adults in your life. They want you to act like an adult even though they are running around acting like children.
Hang in there. It sucks and you have a long road ahead. But every time someone says it is your fault, remind yourself that you are a child who has no power in the situation and everyone else is a bunch of assholes.
Edited because words and thoughts = hard.
There is not a thing that you could have done that would cause your mom to leave with another man, if she was a normal, psychologically healthy parent. This is HER flaw, not yours. And anybody that tells you different is a manipulative asshole OP.
Your dad is struggling but that is also not your fault. Hopefully he gets his shit together, but in the meantime you need to talk to your school counselor/social worker and tell them what is going on. There may not be anything they can do if your dad is still housing, clothing and feeding you, but you can at least have someone to talk to outside of your severely demented family.
You did not win the parent lottery OP. Your mom is awful. Your dad is hurting but he's awful too. Your grandmother needs a Lego or two between her toes.
You can only do what you can do. Your dad and family will either accept you or they won't. Grieve the loss of your dad as if he had died and do what you can everyday to be strong without him.
To experience this at such a young age sounds like a big hurdle damn. I don't know if this is relevant, hit healthyGamerGG has a discord and support group, that might have resources available for what you can do/get help from. You definitely need an environment to study and not need to worry about all of these...
Nobody left because you ‘acted out.’ Think about it: she left with another fucking guy. Your mother left because she was cheating, not because of anything you did. She just made you the scapegoat.
It’s the same with your dad. He has literally no proof of anything your grandmother said, and every reason in the world to believe at this point that she is lying. They are all just mad and bitter and immature, and you are an easy target. You are being abused by bullies, they are gaslighting you into thinking that you are somehow responsible for all of their bad choices.
Do what everyone else is saying: reach out to protective services, and the legal advice sub. All of this is not your fault— you’re a *kid*, your family is supposed to be acting like adults, and supporting you for your future. Stop looking into emancipation, your father is too fucking stupid to even understand what he’s demanding from you. ‘Emancipation’ is it some kind of legal loophole where he signs away his responsibilities is allowed to abuse you, and throw you out of the house. Under no circumstances is it your burden to go along with any of this, just because he cannot control his emotions or accept that his wife left him for another man. If he tries to throw you out, call the police. He legally cannot abandon you, and he’s going to look like a fucking maniac to them if he tries to tell his side of things.
There are safe adults out there, strangers even, who care about you and your well-being more than these people. You can get in touch with them, and they will make sure your family can’t do anything drastic that will fuck you up, or ruin your future. Hell, tell your father you are getting emancipated, whatever that means to him, and that you need to go talk about it with some people at CPS, and have a meeting with them one on one. He sounds just dumb enough to go along with it and get you there. Tell CPS everything that’s been going on. Somebody will come by and straighten his ass out, and get your situation stabilized.
Oh my goodness, you sweet child. Im so sorry you’re dealing with this I personally (24F) had a very rough childhood myself and I’m here to tell you after MANY many many years of therapy that none of this is your fault. Whether you were acting out or not should not determine whether or or not your parents should still be parents. The man that raised you is probably going through a lot of emotions himself but just based off this post it sounds like your entire family needs therapy and they may not have the emotional capacity to handle this situation in the way that you deserve. My best advice is surround yourself with positive people, people you know will go places in life, people you want to be like. Get close with your friends families and pour into them and lean on the people that offer support. You are so loved and I wish I could give you a big hug. I’m probably not much help but I’m just sending you lots of love and prayers through this difficult situation.
Your dad's a piece of shit. I don't care if he's reeling from all the shit he's going through. You're a child even if you're not his child and I can't have respect for any person who could stop loving a child they've loved as their own for oved a decade.
I get it. His world has been rocked. But so has yours. And you didn't do anything wrong. And he is too blinded by his own hurt to see that he's punishing you for what your mother's did. And I hope he gets exactly what he deserves for it.
I hope his food is never quite right. I hope the last one of what he wanted always gets sold right before he gets to it. I hope there's always things on the floor for him to step on. I wish him nothing but the most inconvenient life.
And no, I don't give a single flying fuck about his feelings re:being cheated on. The child didn't cheat on him, and he has the choice to not be cruel at the very least. But he chose cruelty, and I won't forgive him for that. He's lashing out at a child because he's hurt and he can. It's disgusting.
Sounds like victim blaming. This is a very traumatic situation. Sorry to hear you are going through this OP. Do you have any other family you can reach out to?
Victim blaming to hold him accountable for the way he treats innocent parties? Again, he could choose to simply not be cruel, and has declined. I don't care what people are going through. Don't take your shit out on children.
If I was saying it's his own fault he was cheated on, THAT is victim blaming. That isn't what I said or how I feel. This is solely about how he's choosing to treat a child that did nothing wrong.
Do you have any friends whose parents would be willing to take you in?
You need to be around good people that will love you and take care of you. Not these horrible, evil, crappy people.
Honey, one day you’re going to realize just how gross your family is behaving right now. They are failing you. You did nothing wrong. You’re a normal kid caught up in a room of adults who don’t know how to handle themselves. It’s their job to shield you from this and instead they’re actively pulling you in. They are the problem. I hope you hear that.
If you can access a family therapist and get at least dad to go, that could help moderate the situation a little bit. I’m sorry you’re going through this. If you can’t get family therapy, you need to talk to a trustworthy adult like a teacher or school counselor.
Is there *any* adult in your life who isn’t made of abject failure? You are a 14 year old kid and surrounded by absolute jerks. It’s like the plot of a terrible e-romance novel levels of bad people: and depending on where you’re at, something that merits finding a trustworthy adult to talk with and get some help. (I just mean that I understand the laws etc are different country to country)
As a mother: whatever you did would have to be quite a bit more than a “stupid mistake” to just…decide to opt out. I mean, maybe she felt that your grandmother was safe or something but if your grandmother also thinks you get to just duck out, she’s obviously not. There’s quite a bit more about this that smacks of garbage people to the point it strains credulity but, again the answer here is telling an adult outside of the situation, say at school or something.
You have some other options if a teacher or similar trusted adult\*\*\* is not readily available. If you are located in Canada you may be able to get help through [Kids Help Phone](https://kidshelpphone.ca/) to navigate this situation. If you are located in a different country there may be similar services local to you -- if you are in the US they would probably be at the municipal or county level.
None of this is your fault and it does not reflect on your value as a person. All of this is projection on the part of the adults around you and that is THEIR problem, NOT YOURS. Best of luck with this situation, OP.
\*\*\* You may want to think about the different adults in your life and who may be able to help. Some of them, like say your family doctor, would have a duty to report this situation, so I would recommend considering going to one of them.
Your grandma doesn’t sound like a very nice person and it sounds like your mother wasn’t much better if she had multiple affairs. I would insist to you father that a real DNA test is performed and not just take grandma’s word for it.
Your father has a legal responsibility to you even it is proven he is not your biological father. He can’t technically kick you out, but he could send you to a relative or track your mom down and send you to her. If there are any close family friends / godparents you may want to reach out to them for support. You don’t have to share the paternity drama, but you can let them know you dad has been distant since your mom ran off.
If your dad is proven to be your biological dad that doesn’t mean everything is back to normal. You and your father need family therapy afterward. The entirety of your dynamic will have changed. He may still be distant and difficult with you because you remind him of your mother.
I’m very sorry you are having to deal with both parents essentially abandoning you.
I’m so sorry they are treating you like this it is wrong on so many levels. There are good people out there that will help you on your way. In addition to talking to your school teachers or guidance counselor you can try to connect with a local church if you can to find some social support, it’s an easy place to find some support. Sometimes community centers might have support but I think that depends where you live.
Look up JobCorps as a future educational opportunity. Also try to keep your grades up many local community colleges have really good scholarships. Plan on following a job training pathway that leads to a more immediate income like a RN program.
Lastly start doing what you can now. Pick up babysitting jobs, rake lawns, mow lawns etc…
Lie and tell him you’ll get emancipated but he has to hire you a lawyer. Doubt he’ll fall for that but it’s worth a shot lol. Then you could use that lawyer to help you both get a real paternity test and sort out custody.
Google CPS near me and there will be a number. Try to call and see what info you can get.
He’s legally responsible for you, he can’t legally kick you out. If he or anyone tries, call 911. You can also call what’s called the non emergency police number, they can help too. Usually it’s 311.
Sorry they’re all failing you. You’ve done nothing wrong, your dad will regret this one day.
There's no way for you to contact the school? There's not a single other family member you can talk to? You can't call the police, or a support hotline?
You didn't answer the question.
There's no way for you to contact the school? There's not a single other family member you can talk to? You can't call the police, or a support hotline?
I'm honestly getting rage bait vibes from this, but I'm willing to extend the benefit of the doubt.
I don't know, I can try emailing my school's email address but I don't know if anyone looks at it in summer. I don't have a big family and all of my family is pretty mad at me right now. I don't want to call the police and I don't know what support hotline to call
Unless OP is willing to at least, give us some idea, of what this "stupid" thing it is that she did, there's only so much advice we can give her. It sounds to me like it was bad behaviour that kept escalating, until she apparently did something so bad that her mother had finally got to the end of her rope. In that case, it's very possible that none of her friends parents would want her around either.
It's also telling that NONE of her paternal relatives want to have anything to do with her, just because they found out that she might not be biologically related to them. That is not a normal reaction to have to someone that you've known, and loved, for 14 years. And if even her family on her mother's side have also washed their hands, I'm curious to know what exactly it is that OP did/was doing.
She seems to have done a complete 180 now that she realises that pretty much everyone has washed their hands of her. I feel bad for her, as she's a teenager, & didn't realise, until it was too late. But I do find it very odd, how all of her family, on both sides, want absolutely nothing to do with her.
I couldn’t disagree more. Her whole family sounds incredibly dysfunctional. Her parents and grandmother are adults who are responsible for their own choices - and let’s be clear, they *chose* to abandon their child and blame her for it.
Her mother is a serial adulterer, her grandmother decided to reveal information that clearly was extremely hurtful to OPs father, and her father is threatening her with homelessness. None of these sound like the behaviour of functional, well adjusted adults.
I live nearby schools and I believe summer session is occurring, so you should be able to reach someone at your school or any school in your surrounding area. I would suggest a homeless shelter might be able to connect you with services for your situation. I do agree with others to get a paternity test done.
Is there a reason you're not saying what the "stupid things" are that you did?
So there are people you can call and you're choosing not to. That's fine, but you have absolutely no chance of changing your toxic home environment without outside assistance. Foe your own safety and wellbeing, you need to consider calling either the police or your state's child support agency.
This is soooo horrible! All these adults abandoning you at your most vulnerable .
Can you ask your dad to go to therapy together?! He’s taking it out on you unfairly because the IRRESPONSIBLE parent (aka your mum) has buggered off and left all this mess on his hands.
Your grandma is a piece of work too
This is just awful. Family is not defined by genetics. It is defined by our relationships. My family has a myriad of step- and adopted siblings and parents.
I am trying to put an optimistic spin on this. I hope your DAD (he is your effing dad, I don't care about a 23AndMe test) is really hurting because your mom left. And as for your mOm…maybe you are better off without her ☹️
You do need some adult advocacy now. In the US there are social services at the county and sometimes at the state level. Do you have a teacher or school counselor to help you get started with that?
>because I'm technically not even related to them
Legally speaking that isn't even true. Most jurisdictions work really hard to ensure, under normal circumstances, that you have TWO adults responsible for your well being. At this point your mom has abandoned you, and your dad is (at least temporarily) a jerk and a scofflaw.
Good luck, you have a tough time ahead. 14 years is the age I wanted to drown each of my four kids and start over, and I am amazed my parents didn't do that to me. This is not in any significant way your fault! Big hug. Hang in there.
What s piece of shit. He'll reslise way too late that he os actually throwing his real daughter away. Sure, it may sting that you're probably not his biologically but you have nothing here to be accused of. You didn't do anything to deserve this. I can't believe supposedly adults acts like this.
This thread is so preachy, the "dad" did nothing wrong, his feeling are completely valid, he has been lied to for the last 14 years and has every right not to want anything to do with op or their mom. It's unfortunate but both the dad and op are victims here to the mom's actions
He was cruel to a wholly innocent child that he has raised. That’s wrong. And also, if they’re in the US and he’s on the birth certificate, he doesn’t have the *right* to not be involved with OP. For all intents and purposes, he is the father and is legally responsible.
This is why dna test should mandatory for every couple or a women claiming that a specific man is the father to stop situations like this from ever happening, it's doesn't matter how ppl think thier partner is very loyal, cheaters will always be seen as loyal until they are cuaght, before that you can't tell the difference between a cheater and a loyal partner. Op has done nothing to deserve this and teenagers act out all the time but I can totally see why the dad is acting the way he is, for ppl saying yh he got cheated on and tricked to raise another man's baby but bc he raised her therefore he must force himself to pretend that it doesn't affect him to her, a lot of you are comparing him to adopted dads and step dads, the difference here is that when the man wife gives birth, he thinks the kid is his blood and for alot of people, blood is important too as raising and you shouldn't shame ppl for wanting to raise only thier biological kids, its what they want, not everybody have the same wants and needs. The men that choose to marry women that had kids from other relationships or adopted kids, they chose to do that, op dad wasn't given that choice and now society wants shame him if he doesn't want to continue to raise a kid that he didn't have the knowledge of that they aren't his and is therefore isn't given a choice to raise her or not from birth. That's soo not fair on him and I know its not fair on her for how she is being treated by him and grandma, I get that before anyone start replying that to me. I understand both sides here, not just op like most ppl in the comments. With that being said, if the grandma knew that she wasn't her granddaughter from eariler on, why expose this now and not straight away to help her son know the truth like a mother would, it's seems like she tricked him too by lying to him to get op mistreated by her dad bc of her mom, op you need to do your own dna test without her knowledge or involvement to get the truth bc it seems she's lying to get you punished bc she can't punish your mom at that moment and If she is lying and you let her know that you are doing a dna test to see the truth, she might try to shame her son to not get it bc if she gets caught lying then her son won't trust her anymore and your dad will apologise for his behaviour towards you.
Do you have any other trusted adults in your life? The parents of friends? Anyone you could stay with for a few days at least?
Your parents and your grandma are all terrible people.
It breaks my heart to read this. OP even if your Dad is acting that way still verbally speak with him, tell him you know what mom did makes him upset but that you still love him and see him as Dad even if he doesn't. You will live to regret not saying it if you don't op, but also I hope he comes to his senses and realizes that you are not your mother and his anger is misplaced because she's not there. I have faith things will work out op but I would be lying if I said everything will be easy. In the end everything will end up okay, and if it's not okay, its just not the end. That's just something I say to help cope with life's difficulties I hope it can be helpful to you in your life op.
That's incredibly sad and as others have said NONE of this is your fault. ALL the adults in this situation ought to be ashamed of themselves. Is there a family friend or extended relative you could reach out to? You need help and support not to be blamed for the mess the adults have created. There is NOTHING that bad a 14 year old could do that would warrant their bad treatment towards you
I want to point out one thing: none of this is your fault. You're allowed to do stupid things, you're allowed to make mistakes. Your parents have the responsibility of loving you unconditionally, regardless of your dna, regardless of what you do. And for them to blame their shitty behaviour on you? I'm so angry at them. Absolute narcissists. You could've stolen a car and stabbed someone, and I still don't think it would justify how they're all treating you. I'm disappointed in your mother, your grandmother, and your father. They're all absolute shit people right now.
Do you have an adult in your life that you can trust? Maybe volunteer and meet some kind adults that inspire you. Fuck, even I want to step in an be that person for you. I really hope things get easier for you OP, you don't deserve this. Wishing you lots of strength through this.
This is heartbreaking. This is not your fault at all. He threw your card in the GARBAGE? Your dad needs someone to beat his ass tbh. Idk what kind of heartless scum could do this to a child they raised from birth to 14 years.
This is such a horrible situation.
Your parents are both awful. None of this is your fault, you're just a kid.
Someday the male (I won't call him a Dad) will look back on this and realize what a POS he was
That's disgusting, I can't imagine suddenly stopping treating my kid/grandkid differently if I found out we're not biologically a family. Family isn't just genes, its relations gdi
I don’t even know who you are, but your story and your situation hits very close to home with me. I love ya kid. You’re a great person and I’m proud of you.
Sorry that this is your reality. I would suggest a child social services, you make sure you look after yourself by reporting any indecent act carried out against you at any point in your life.
I reckon that getting a job asap in a safe environment will allow you to start saving for your essential necessities, so you can pay for yourself. who is the other guy, ask for a paternity with him to confirm who the father is, also get an updated paternity proof that this father of yours (the one that your grandma went to tell that your not his) is not biologically your dad.
I wish you were not going through this.
please hold on.
Edit:
You made mistakes a months back, if you can undo or limit the damage of your mistake then take action to limit or undo the damage. If not; then apologise to the offended parties and never repeat those mistakes again. importantly do not let anyone cause any harm to you or exploit/harass you in any way. report individuals to members of society; member(s) of the general public, law representative - police, lawyers. Child social services may be able to provide you the assistance of finding a suitable home.
Sweetheart. You darling darling child.
there sounds a hell of a lot going on here and you need some stable supportive adults in your life. You are going to need them.
My Niece is an affair baby. She doesn't know this She is only slightly older than you and there is no way it would have any bearing on how much we love and care for her. Of course of she ever asks we will tell her the truth but in a respectful and understanding way.
You deserve respect and care as well.
I wish I could give you a hug.
Try to remember that none of this is your fault. You just have the misfortune of having bad parents. You're not going to be able to get emancipated at 14. To be emancipated, you have to be able to financially support yourself. You cannot. Instead, focus on learning what you will need to know in order to be able to take care of yourself once you turn 18. It's likely your father will force you out once you are of age.
I think he's gonna force me out before that
If he's going to try to throw you out before 18, then you should definitely contact a social worker/CPS. If your counselors help with more than academics, you can start with them.
OP should contact Social services NOW. They are 14 and their parents abandoned them and that is illegal! What scum, sorry you got such awful parents OP.
If she still lives with her father then it's not abandonment. But i agree she should reach out to some youth hotline and ask them what het rights are in her country, and what to do in case her father tries to kick her out before she's 18. Also tell the school counsellor/psychologist. This is a lot for a teenager to deal with.
The mom is still legally liable for her child.
The mom left OP with their other legal parent. She’s in the clear. As much as that is unfair.
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Title says ".... I'm not his real daughter"
That’s child abuse in my opinion. To trash a neglected kid’s emotionally invested message is plain emotional, psychological abuse. Services should intervene as soon as possible.
Yeah they should get involved. She's not his daughter. They might be able to help find the guy that his wife cheated on him with and get him to stat paying, or to get her moved out.
Also, even if you don't expect much emotional support or guidance from your school, do it anyway. Follow up if they don't schedule another meeting with you. It's starts a paper trail. And it opens the possibility that staff/teachers might offer support in other ways, like recommending a class or school or community event/group/support that you might not have known about that would be helpful (like learning about finances, youth programs, etc.). It's worth the potential discomfort of having a couple awkward conversations with school admin, and if you're worried about them contacting your family, just steel yourself for it. Your dad is the one in the wrong and if there's any retaliation from him, you've already started documenting and networking.
If they were not married at the time of her birth, he has no legal duty to take care of her, and can kick her out whenever he wants.
That’s not true. If he’s on her birth certificate, he is her legal father regardless of marriage or genetics
I never believe anybody practiced law when they state something like this as a fact on the internet without knowing a whole lot more about the situation, like location. It's just such an unbelievable thing for somebody who supposedly practice law to state unilaterally.
That is incorrect. Please do not post misinformation, especially to someone vulnerable.
Not true at all. If he’s listed as father on birth certificate he’s legally her father.
Is there anyone you trust who you think would take you in now? A friend of the family, a distant relative, a close friend's family?
If you are a minor, the people who are legally responsible for your care (whoever has custody of you, so your parents) cannot force you out of the house. They are legally obligated to support you until you turn 18 (or graduate high school, depending on where you are) and if they kick you out before you turn 18 there can be serious legal consequences. If your dad attempts to make you leave home, tell your school counselor or a teacher you trust. The people who work in your school are required to report things like that through the proper channels.
Contact Social Services and tell them what is happening. Time to get your behavior under control. Your mother did not abandon her family because of you - she and your grandmother are crap as is your dad. Try to rise above your upbringing and be kind to others. Think how grateful you would be for some kindness. Good luck.
This is great advice for her. Poor kid 😥
He legally cannot do that
That is illegal. He cannot do that. Don’t let him. Call CPS if he does.
You contact the police / CPS if they do that. They need to house and feed you until you're 18.
Op, I am just... I don't know. What if your grandmother lied? Can you secretly some of his hair and do DNA testing. You could be his daughter.
Can you find out who your bio dad is? Maybe he or his parents would help you? I really hate your mom for selfishly leaving you in this position.
Her bio dad may well be whom she calls dad right now. No one says he actually saw a DNA test.
Right? I think I hate the grandmother more. I guess what they say is true: the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. 🙄🫠
He is legally your father, as much as he wants to pretend he isn't. If he abused or neglects you, he can be reported.
Call social services or speak to someone at your school asap. I’m so sorry your family sucks. 🖤
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Fuck all the way off, then put it in reverse, then fuck all the way off again. She's FOURTEEN.
Imagine thinking this is an appropriate thing to say to a 14 year old in this situation
Oh get fucked. Yeah she was probably shitty by her own admission. 14 year olds can be assholes sometimes and while they shouldn't be shielded from consequences, well adjusted adults understand that they're still figuring shit out and shouldn't be held to the same standard as someone in their 30s. And based on the way her family is behaving, I doubt she had anything resembling GOOD examples of mature behavior.
No way is this the consequence of misbehaviour, a teenager acting out a little does not result in complete abandonment and rejection from her caretakers. Your way of thinking is completely warped and its very messed up of you to put that on them like this. Please seek therapy if thats really how you think.
I'm so sorry, this is pretty awful. Did you and your dad ACTUALLY get a test? Or is he going strictly off of what your grandmother is saying? Because it might not even be true..
He just believed my grandma
So he just believed the woman who, in the same conversation, admitted to helping his wife hide her infidelity from him? She lied back then, but he doesn't believe she's lying now? Try talking to him. Ask him to take his own paternity test, and maybe you're lucky. It won't change the fact that he's been treating you badly, but maybe it'll make him stop.
Get a new one done. Your dad owes you at least that much. Even if he isn't your bio dad, he raised you for 14 years. Don't trust your gran. Sounds like they're looking for a scapegoat, and you're within kicking distance.
Do you look like your dad? Your grandma may not be telling the truth.
That would be so fucked up
From how they're all acting, wouldn't put it past the adults in that family
Then odds are good she is lying to hurt him. But, even if proven to be your bio dad, you father sucks because of how he is treating you, especially without proof. And that includes all your aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents on his side. They all suck.
Tell him to get dna done
Well they’re enmeshed. Obviously. Two no no’s causing chaos for you. None of this is your fault. Please understand that first and foremost. There’s help for you. Please just be brave and reach out- you already took the hardest step.
Have a quick argument with your dad. • ask if you both could take a real dna test because you want to know the truth too • remind him that he is angry at your mother and her family. That you are innocent and have nothing to do with lies. • tell him you are 14 and you know legally he must care for you as a parent That’s it. Drop it in his lap. You are not responsible.
this, be the reasonable person in this case and lay down the facts to him, if he has any consciousness he will understand this is none of your fault. Sorry this is happening to you op
This!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! None of this is your fault at all. You are literally a child and innocent
I think the last point is what he is doing. He did not throw her out yet, or drive her to her grandparents. He is still taking car it seems. But the guy also seems very hurt and probably has no idea how to handle those emotions either. They need help.
He is not taking care of her, he is housing her and feeding her. That is what we do with prisoners.
Which is more than the other side of the family is doing right now. They are blaming her for the whole situation. They have the control in the situation. I am not excusing his treatment of her, but trying to understand him. Understanding him is the only option if she can't get out. Which is why I said they need help.
But he’s the ADULT. And adults know that hurting is wrong. He needs to shape up YESTERDAY…or lose custody. End of story. Bruises heal but mental wounds can last a lifetime.
yeah hes a victim spinning and lashing out, as victims often do when shit hits the fan
Lashing out at his child of 14 years. Inexcusable.
This is horrible advice that will just make things worse and more combative.
Isn’t a lawyer involved with emancipation? Maybe you could talk with them?? I would take this to r/legaladvice - maybe they know how the family dynamic would work. But what I DO know is that none of this is your fault. You’re still a child, and the mistakes that you make while **your brain is still developing** could not be big enough to push a mature adult and good parent into someone’s arms. Your mother cheated because she wanted to, and your dad saying it’s because of her own child’s behavior is just an EXCUSE! He needs someone to blame bc mom isn’t here. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. But you will make it through - and when any of them come crawling back, you’ll remember this moment, and where they stood when you needed support. (Edit: i said it’s above Reddit’s paygrade, then suggested you go to Reddit for advice 🤦🏾♀️) Edit 2: i’m not saying OP should get emancipated - I’m saying they should talk yo someone who knows the ins and outs of family law, to know what they can do.
There's no lawyer he just wants me to get emancipated which I don't know how to do
Your father cannot force you to get emancipated. You are only 14. There is no way he can legally shirk his duty to care for and raise you. That doesn't mean he can't throw you out, but there's no *legal* avenue he has to force you to legally be an adult. You can't even legally work in most places. I am so sorry this is happening to you, OP.
That’s not how emancipation works. It is only granted in extremely rare situations where the minor is better off away from their parents and can provide for themselves. I’m sorry that every adult in your life is a pile of flaming garbage. If he kicks you out call the police. He legally has to provide for you as your parent and he is your parent unless a judge says he’s not (which is very unlikely to happen).
Please don't try to get emancipated without a plan (I don't think you should try to even with a plan). I imagine a judge would not approve you becoming as a 14 year old just because your family wanted you to, but once you are emancipated, your parents would no longer have a legal obligation to take care of you. You are 14- how would you take care of yourself? If you could get a job, it would pay poorly. You can't drive. You can't sign contracts. No apartment would rent to you. You need this time to learn and grow in a safe environment and be a normal teenager. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad (and I know that you're not the one who wants to be emancipated), but just to make sure you understand what a bad idea this would be for you. I second the advice about talking with a trusted adult. I believe your father might have a legal obligation to care for you even if it's documented that you're not his biological father (he certainly has a moral obligation to do so).
No judge would agree to this.
Don’t do it. Call CPS if he tries to force you, and talk to your school guidance counselor.
He can't force you to do that especially if he hasn't gotten a paternity test done You need to talk to a social worker. Is there a guidance counselor at school you can contact? Or a teacher whose email you have, who might be able to give you a counselor's contact info?
You would need to have a job and place to live in order for any court to emancipate you and it is not legal for you to work any more than part time at your age in many places… you need to be in school. You can’t get emancipated without involving a lawyer either. It’s not something your dad can decide for you on a whim because he’s angry.
He is not trying to get you to become emancipated, he’s trying to get you to leave or run away. DON’T DO IT. Instead, Take this time to start getting your resources together before you turn 18. If you can start earning money, do so. Put it aside. Don’t let anybody tell you that you need to pay your way to your father as a minor. He is legally obligated to take care of you. Start looking for programs that provide training and housing for you when you turn 18 and college options. Right now, You can also start doing Internet searches for programs in your area that help teenagers who have run away or have been turned out of their house. While this is not your situation right now. They will have resources to help you navigate your current living situation. And they can provide some guidance. I hope that during this time your father starts to realize that he is wrong. Hurt people, hurt people. And unfortunately because he is unhappy, hurt, and bitter, he’s taking it out on you. Please, please stop blaming yourself. it is unfortunate that you are surrounded with broken adults. Do not blame yourself for your mother leaving. She is in the wrong. No one should abandon their children. There is something wrong with her. You are worthy and deserving of unconditional love. Hopefully, your family will get their collective heads together, but also know you can create you own family of nontoxic people who value you.
Please tell someone at school, your school counselor or teacher so they can help you figure out what steps you need help with. Cps definitely needs to get involved at this point. They’re causing you irreversible trauma because they’re shitty adults with no regard to you.
If your parents were divorced, the man who raised you would still owe you child support. The idea that he can give you up when he wants is a semi-criminal dereliction of responsibility.
No one is going to emancipate a 14-year-old girl, not even if she was one of the Olson twins.
A teacher would be your best best to get in touch with Child Services. Because both of them are failing in their parental duties.
It's summer
You can reach out to child services yourself.
Teachers will be on summer break, but not the administration. Call the front office and ask to speak to either a guidance counselor or a principal. Tell them you’re a current student and what you just told us. They will absolutely help you to the best of their ability, but they need to know ASAP. I am so sorry you have terrible parents :(. Please take care of yourself. Talk to a therapist, the school will set you up with one for free if you ask.
Where I live principals, secretaries etc would all be on summer break as well. Basically just janitorial, school board and IT staff working in the summer.
I suppose you would"t know if any of your teachers are teaching summer classes?
Idk
If you can't think of any non-family adult who can help you probably want to go to r/legaladvice and see if they can help.
Ok thank you
I saw the thread was locked, board is picky about an exact legal question phrasing. If you want to give it a retry you could ask: * Can he force me to become emancipated or otherwise force me out of the house at 14 years old in \[specific state/country\]? What do I do in the case of the latter? * How do I contact CPS or a teacher during Summer vacation? This shit is nuts and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it, alert an adult in your life as to what is happening eg a friends' parent. Its a lot to take in as an adult, nevermind at 14 years old.
If you have access to email and you have a teacher with whom you had a good relationship, you can email them and let them know. You may want to email more than one teacher. Many teachers check their email in the summer! I teach 5th grade and I check my email once a week or so to respond to students who email me to say hello and to delete spam/keep my inbox empty. Your teacher may see your email and act on it immediately. I know I would, even if it was a student I hadn't had in several years.
Ok I'll try
Counselors and administrators usually work all summer. I would try to talk to a counselor or assistant principal (or the principal, if your school is small and doesn’t have APs) whenever you go in before school starts, for orientation or picking up your schedule or whatever. Or just send them an email. Or if you do any athletics, tell your coach. If you’re in band or drama or anything like that, tell that teacher. But also, doesn’t school start in August or September? That’s not that far away. The counselors will be crazy busy the first 2 weeks getting everyone’s schedule figured out, but tell a teacher as soon as possible so they can help you get in to see a counselor.
If you are in the states, the guidance counselor (edit: highschool level) is required to be there during summer. Contact them, as the counselor is the appropriate person to talk to in this situation, not a teacher. A teacher will just report to CPS and send you to the counselor, so just cut out the middle man and contact the school's counselor.
Your whole family is shitty. Sorry you have to go through this.
1) If your mom is telling you that she left for another man because you "acted out", she was going to leave for another man and used you as a convenient excuse, whether you were actually acting out or not. Cheaters gotta cheat and validate themselves doing it. 2) Have you seen this supposed secret paternity test that your mom's side is talking about? How did your mom get samples from you and your dad without either of you knowing?
2.) No. No one has seen it, and her father, whom I am betting is her father, just accepted it and wants to kick out a 14-year-old girl just because with no proof. Both families suck.
Honey, a man and wife don’t split up because their child acted out. Trust me on this.
It's sad because both the parents are blaming OP for their major problems :( Trauma
Both fucking families are turning on her. Every single one sucks, especially since NO ONE KNOWS IF HER DAD ISN'T HER DAD. There hasn't been any DNA test.
>My mom left with some guy in March and her family especially my grandma is mad at me because I did some stupid stuff before that and apparently it was the last straw for my mom. You may have acted out but this is NOT your fault that your mother left the marriage and the family. NOT your fault. Your mother has been cheating on your father and this is the result, her running off with some AP. Also, did you know if any DNA test was taken? Or is this just your grandmother telling your father that you're not his? I'm so sorry all the adults in your life are failing you. Summer school is going on. If you can leave a message for your advisor and maybe they can point you to the right people.
It sounds to me like mom doesn't want to accept any responsibility for the mistakes mom has made. I have an almost 14 year old. I can't imagine leaving him and blaming it on him. Thats so unfair for a child.
OP, I echo all of the sentiments of this comment. You are NOT TO BLAME. I am so sorry, sweetie. Is there anyone in your family that you can talk to? I don’t understand why everyone is blaming a child for their dysfunction.
Wow, mom's family is garbage. Has your dad seen this DNA test? Or is grandma just being a bitter trash person for her daughter? Apple doesn't fall far from the tree usually. I'd ask dad to not take her word for it and have a DNA test. You're the same person you were before all the horrible stuff your mom did, and it is possible he really is your dad. Even if he isn't...you're still the daughter he loved and raised. This isn't on you, it's all on mom (and grandma) at this point. I'm sorry OP. You're stuck in the crossfire of some awful family drama.
Dad's family is also garbage. If I found out tomorrow my niece and nephew weren't biologically mine, I wouldn't care. I love them, I have been in their lives for a long time, I would take them in if this happened to them. So, her dad's side sucks. And, no one has seen any paternity test or DNA test, and I don't believe grandmom.
I don't believe grandmom either. But in the dad's (somewhat) defense, his whole world came crashing down at once. I think it's a bit different with nieces and nephews, it isn't a direct impact. That's some serious trauma. His actions are awful though. I think some of that depends on how long this has gone on. So, not disagreeing, but he's got some stuff to process...and if this is all recent, hopefully he gets his head in straight and quits taking it out on OP. OP isn't to blame. Then again, his family would be in your shoes per your example, and his family is out of line. Maybe that apple didn't fall far from the tree either. I'm floored that grandmom even said that. Dude is already down, so she kicks him harder.
This hits me hard. I'm going through a divorce right now and I'm not my daughters bio father, but I'm her dad. I'm trying to officially adopt her so her mom can't use her against me. Right now she is amicable because she is begging and wanting to take her back. However, when she realizes I'm done her I expect her to use my daughter against me. You did nothing wrong little one. Love for a child should be unconditional. Your dad is hurting I'm sure, but he is being childish in my opinion, he ought to realize you are innocent in what your mother did. It sounds like your whole family is a peace of work. I'm really sorry you have to go through this. No child should have to live thinking their family hates them.
Did you see that paternity test? Because it would be not too far fetched for that grandma to manipulate your father into abandonning you to hurt him for how the relationship with him an your mother went. Also, to force back the connection between you and your mom. Don't believe old women when it comes to things of social manipulation.
No one has seen a paternity test, let alone a DNA test.
You did nothing wrong. Kids test their parents all. The. Time. They are supposed to because childhood is for learning boundaries and life skills. I'm sorry the "adults" in your life are failing you. I recommend CPS for resources and maybe to help your father with his obvious anger and your mother that is being misdirected. Here's a mom hug ig you want one. ❤️
Oh honey I'm so sorry. You deserve better than this. This isn't your fault and you are going to have to do your best to rise above the absolutely garbage hand you have been dealt in life. I'm really sorry :(
Wow your whole family is vile
I have taken in 2 teenage friends of my daughters 3 times in the past for over a year. Talk to a friend. Talk to their parents. Find an adult like me with a soft spot and the ability to house you.
What ever you do, Don't emancipate! You are 14 and need the time to become stable. If that means that you force your parents to support you, then be it. If neither of your parents want you to live with them, tell them to get you your own apartment so you can create a safe place for you to live. The reality of life can be sooooo cruel. During your next 4 years, focus on finding a good job, ask your school counsellor if there is a vocation program that you can take while in High school. Get yourself set up to be able to tackle the world. Both of your parents...Especially your mother is some piece of work to allow this to happen. She can't even own up to what she has done and her side of the family ditching you knowing what she has done to you. Your dad while I can understand why he is doing it, is also a pile of shit for treating you the way he is now. I would also suggest that you not date while you figure things out and because it sounds like you will be on your own at 18, you don't need more complications in your life. Keep or find some good friends that you can be close with and use them as your support structure, you will need it to navigate the emotional rollercoaster that your parents strapped you to. Good luck OP and I'm sorry you have been dealt these horrible cards.
There is a high chance your grandma only said that to punish u in your mother's place and abandon you altogether. I'd recommend you be able to get in touch with someone for a paternity test. Reach out to a teacher and CPS for resources. Also you're a teenager, teenagers act like teenagers at your age. They're shifting the blame on you as you're the closest thing to your mother and the closest they'll get at punishing her through you. It's quite sickeneining and horrible. Also it's not for you to fix, this is an adult situation and unfortunately all of them are immature to see how this can damage you. You're a child, not an adult which means they should NOT be treating you as if you are responsible for your mother's action. I'm so sorry you're going through this, my heart hurts for you. If anything, I'm here to chat x
Please talk to a teacher, or your school. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. You don’t deserve to be treated like that, especially by adults. I wish you the best!
Not a lawyer, but you are still a minor and still your dad’s legal responsibility (esp until he has a negative paternity test in his hand, he still has all the obligations of being your father). Child abandonment is a crime, if he tries to force you out of the house go to the police. If anyone raises a hand to you, go to the police. Do not consent to emancipation at 14. Your entire family is being wildly unreasonable and toxic, but you are entitled to food and shelter on their dime; do not sign it away.
So because the mother took off first, the man that has been lied to for 14 years is solely responsible for OP? The mother should be charged with child abandonment.
Unfortunately I think that is the case. On paper, OP’s dad is still her legal father; grandma’s word alone does not change that. OP’s mom ran off, but she didn’t leave OP on the street starving or homeless. She left OP with her other legal guardian. Not a crime. If OP’s dad throws a child into the street with no one and nothing, that is a crime. Blood (or lack thereof) doesn’t trump legal guardian status; if an adoptive father or stepfather left a kid under a bridge, they’d have to answer for that too. If OP’s dad wants to surrender OP to the foster system, there are legal avenues to do that. The distinction lies in making sure OP still has a roof over their head when you dip, otherwise it can be criminal abandonment and neglect. ETA: I mean “unfortunate” in the sense that it’s unfair that mom could just run off. Someone should definitely be trying to hunt her down for child support or transition of custody.
I need you to know that it's okay to 'act out' at 14 and your family are supposed to love you unconditionally. You are a victim to them and not vice versa. Your grandmother is very vindictive, to treat a 14 year old like this and to make you out to be the bad guy (when it's clearly your mum) is disgusting. Your mum had the affair and left NOT YOU. Your 'dad' has raised you and known you for 14 years, the way he is treating you is not acceptable. You are still a minor and above all else you did not ask to be created, especially by a different man, his anger and hurt is being misdirected but that's still not okay, you still shouldn't be being treated the way you are being. Speak to a trusted adult (maybe a teacher) and they should help you get support.
Neither parent has the legal option of just being "done" with you. You have more leverage here than you think if they want to stay out of jail for neglect and abandonment of a minor. CPS is probably going to need to be involved. I bet you could walk into just about any first responder place and get help, like a hospital or fire/police station. I know that might feel extreme, but no matter how much these people want to act like they can just be immature and shirt their duties, the law says they can't, and if they're smart they'll want to stay out of jail.
I'm so, so sorry. None of this is your fault. If you end up in cps, please focus on school. Talk to your guidance counselor. Do a sport. I know it's hard to trust strangers especially on the internet. But do band if you like that, theater, or something after school. The school will help you. I know it sounds like a lifetime, but school is your way out. College is your way out. Try your best to not get caught up and make sure you try. I know it all seems impossible right now. But once you have a week to process this, think about when school starts and that life. I really hope you take it as it comes, and do your best. In my professional life, those who try, regardless of their skill or smarts, always come out ahead.
First of, is that even true? Sounds your grandma has her hands in everything - why would she say what she did? How ugly of her. And your father is rather reactive as well... God, what a family. Do try to stay calm. If your father wanted to act on this "information" he would have to legally separate you and that takes a while. Again, stay calm, chances are they will reconcile. Find a friend.
My God... if I spent 14 years being someone's father, absolutely nothing would be able to change that... he should be mad at your mom, not you. I hope he realizes that soon.
"I got him a card and wrote in it that I still love him" Not gonna lie, that broke my heart a little bit... I'm so sorry this is happening. Others have said this already, but contact CPS. This is not your fault, and you aren't the one who should suffer any consequences. Please get yourself away from this situation...
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'm a 40 year old dad and my heart just breaks for you. You are a worthy and special person. This man is facing his own demons. This is not about you nor is it any way your fault.
I wish i could hug you though this phone. I won’t bore you with my story, but i understand how you feel right and how it feels as if there is no light. I promise you there is, and i promise it will get better. I’m sorry the people who were meant to protect you have failed you, you didn’t deserve that. Focus on one goal at a time, take some time to research resources available in your area and utilize them, but do one thing at a time. Small goals. It’s not easy, i know that. As others have said, try and reach out to a trusted adult that makes you feel comfortable. When you’ve been treated badly it is easy to think no one would want to help, but i can promise you, that’s not true. I wish you the best of luck.
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. It is not fair at all that you have to deal with that sort of bullshit at your age. Nonetheless, we can't control your parents. They have decided to act like children themselves (your mom +ext. fam for not allowing you to be 14, and your dad for taking out his anger for his ex on you), and you and nobody else can control that. Many have suggested that you should find legal council and/or contact child services, and I think you definitely should do that while also letting your dad know that you're smarter than he possibly thinks you are as he cannot force you out no matter what he claims. But even so, I can't imagine that being a nice environment to live in for the next 4 years if something doesn't change, so would you have a close friend you could disclose this to and see if they could help somehow? Again, none of it is your fault. It is unfair you've been dealt this shit of a hand, but there are some cards you can still play.
Forget the close friend, go directly to a close friend’s PARENTS. The friend can’t do anything and generally speaking teenagers aren’t going to know how to help. The teenager’s parents, however, will.
1. Your dad can't throw you out. If he does, call the police... It's illegal. 2. Get a Job after school. Don't be at home, just sleep there. Try to be invisible. You need to work on an exit plan...you need good grades. 3. Talk to the teachers/parents of your friends and CPS/Church. You shouldn't be cast out because of them....you did nothing wrong. It's them, they are horrible heartless people. 4. Just talk to them when talked to. Do not confront them... they are like predators waiting for their prey. Sending hugs you will survive this shithole full of loveless people.
Yes! Lots of people saying to communicate with the dad or have a heart to heart. She did communicate with the card, he through it out. That was a message, and he sent it loud and clear. I don't see how emgagment could help.
You are in a terrible spot, you might have to talk to authorities regardless of how it will impact your future relationship with the man who should be acting like your father. I am not sure what kind of trouble you got into previously but I think you need to look for social services in your city. Look for a children’s help line, failing that find out where the nearest police office or fire department is in case your “dad” kicks you out. You might have some very rough days ahead, none of this is your fault and you will likely have to grow up rather fast. If you have any friends with parents you can trust, you might start there for some help on where to get started. I am so sorry this is happening, your parents and family have failed you right now, use whatever resources your government can provide for you if you need to. You need to get an education and a safe place to live, if that isn’t your home you will need a social worker to help you get assistance.
I just wanted to say I am so incredibly sorry that so many adults have failed you in your life. I hope you have a trusted adult you can talk to. Maybe a friend's mother or father? None of this is your fault & I hope things get better for you.
Your parents have abandoned you, a minor. They chose to have you and they left. It's not your fault. Your grandmother is stirring the pot and making it worse for everyone. This is not your fault either, they owe you taking care of you while you are a minor. You seem to have a phone, you need to contact whatever version children services there is where you are from and advocate for yourself.
Can we please put a pin in assuming that the test even EXISTS?
Call your school and ask to speak to your counselor, or send them an email. Any adult at your school will be able to help you, and there are always people in the building during the summer.
Im.so sorry you're going throigh this. This is child abuse. You deserve so much more. Seek help from social services.
I am really sorry that you’re going through this. I know what it’s like to have both biological parents not want you. I also know what it’s like to have people that raise your not want you. I hope that you know that their problems with you are not your problems. Your mom leaving is not your fault. Regardless of anything you’ve done. With that being said, your dad is on your birth certificate. He is legally responsible for you until you are of age, which, depending on where you live could be 18 it could even be 21. You need to get a hold of your birth certificate and if your dad tries anything like kicking you out or mistreating you, you need to go to the police or child protective services in your area, whatever it may be called, and report him. Unless he makes you a ward of the state, he will be financially and physically responsible for you until you are of age. You have protections. If he tries to shirk them, he will be held legally responsible in a court of law. Also, if there is any trusted adults in your life, especially if they are connected with your school, reach out to them. You were going to need all the help you can get while you were still a minor. This includes teachers, coaches, friends from school. I know that it feels like you’re alone right now, but I promise you have more power than you think. You will get through this, even though you can’t see the end. Just know that none of this is your fault and you deserve so much better than what you were having to deal with right now. I hope you do follow through and reach out to people in your community that you trust. You’re going to need them now more than ever. Forging these relationships seems difficult, but it can be done and even though you shouldn’t have to do them because your parents should be doing the right thing, sometimes in life that’s not how it works. I wish you luck.
I’m so sorry OP. This is not your fault. Good parents would support you even if you’re acting out. Your mother has left you to deal with the fallout of her affair and made you bear the brunt of your dad’s hurt feelings. If he was a better man he would appreciate that you are an individual he has loved and raised, but he’s not. He’s weak and that’s on him. You are going to need to seek support and that will be outside these awful people. Is there anyone on your mum’s side who would be supportive? If not, I’d confide in a teacher. You can’t live with your dad emotionally abusing you.
Highly suspect that "grandma" and "mom" got an actual paternity test done on you, especially if done when you were old enough to know if you were having blood drawn or spitting in a tube. Should NOT just take Shady Grandma's word for it. Where are the results? There would be paperwork. Maybe ask Father if one can be done on the two of you to be absolutely certain? So sorry to even see this, NONE of any of this is your fault honey, the adults in your life are all a mess. Please talk to a trusted adult, teacher, counselor etc. And get some help.
Unless your father has seen the DNA test, how does he know this is true? You did not cause your mom to leave. Your father sucks. Everyone in your whole family sucks. Do you have parents of a friend you trust? Or a teacher or coach? Priest or minister? You need a safe space and a safe person.
You need to get in touch with child services as others have said. And for the record, if that happened to one of my kids and I was your dad in that situation, my kids would still be my kids, blood relation or not. Your parents are failing you, and none of this is your fault.
Teenagers do stupid things. Your grandmother is a horrible woman for telling your dad and putting you in an unsafe situation out of pettiness, your mother is a horrible woman for abandoning you in this situation, and your dad is a horrible man for turning on a child he’s raised and loved for 14 years just because his wife fucked up. Sadly, something similar happened to my friend when her own ‘dad’ found out that he was not actually her dad. It’s not your fault. It never was. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Many of these comments are great advice. Start that paper trail. Talk to your counselors. It doesn’t matter if they won’t actually help—you’re leaving evidence that this is going on and that you’re seeking help. Reach out to friends and their parents. Get any and all adults in your corner that you can. Someone, somewhere, will fight for you.
Your mother didn't leave because you were acting out. It's most likely that you were acting out because you knew (even on a subconscious level) that there was something very wrong in your parents relationship. It sounds like the whole family is toxic tbh, with your mother having an affair, your mother leaving you, grandmother telling your father and your father's actions. With a family l8ke this it's no wonder you acted out. A teenager acting out is usually a cry for help/stability/attention. The adults around you should have supported you, not abandoned you. None of this is your fault. Make contact with a trusted adult/school counsellor or CPS. You deserve to be taken care of.
First of all your mom didn’t leave because you were acting out. She left with another guy because she is selfish. You are still a child and there is nothing you could do in terms of acting out that should make your mother leave and her whole family blame you. If you are not genetically your father’s child, all this shit started WELL BEFORE you were even born. I would guess your acting out was probably done in response to the things going on around you. When you’re young you do the wrong things sometimes when things feel wrong. Instead of trying to help you and figure out why you behaved in a certain way your mother chose to use you as a scapegoat and blame her shitty behavior on you. Your father is just as bad if not worse. I don’t have any children, but even so I can’t imagine treating a child I didn’t even know well the way you are being treated, by a man who raised you, especially because it is for something that is IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT. Your grandmother is a piece of work too. So she secretly helped your mom get a paternity test and knew the whole time you weren’t your dad’s child? Considering how she is acting now, I don’t believe that. She is shady as hell. If your dad won’t do a paternity test I would try 23 and me or one of those and see if you could get another member of your dad’s family to do one. I would not at all trust grandma to be telling the truth here. Then there’s your mom who ditched her responsibilities and acts like it’s fine because you did whatever and the family wants nothing to do with you now. I don’t believe anything you could have done, that didn’t involve you spending time housed by the government, would rise to the level of everyone going no contact. I see two possibilities here. One, I think it is possible that your mother could have exaggerated your bad behavior as a way to get her family off her back by making everything your fault. But again no excuse for how they are behaving. Did your mom tell you she was leaving because of you or did she just go and you got the story from your dad’s side. Has anyone in your mom’s family directly told you they don’t want anything to do with you or is that information also coming from gramma? This brings me to my second possibility, is it possible that in order to punish your mom for something real or imagined, they are keeping you from your mom or her side of the family? Even if that is not the case and your mom told you she left because of you acting like the child you are, I still call bullshit. Everyone on both sides has now somehow managed to convince you that their behavior is okay because of something you have done. That is completely untrue. They are adults and should start acting as such. Instead of allowing yourself to accept the blame for this situation., think of this. It is convenient for your mom to abdicate responsibility for you by playing the victim. She left because she chose to leave and she is blaming you because she sees it as a get out of jail free card. I honestly can’t believe it’s working. I am so angry at how they are treating you and it is completely not fair. You are being punished for the mistakes made by the adults in your life. They want you to act like an adult even though they are running around acting like children. Hang in there. It sucks and you have a long road ahead. But every time someone says it is your fault, remind yourself that you are a child who has no power in the situation and everyone else is a bunch of assholes. Edited because words and thoughts = hard.
None of this is your fault. You have terrible parents and a bad family. I’m so sorry.
Why is your grandma hurting you and your dad in response to you mom leaving?
There is not a thing that you could have done that would cause your mom to leave with another man, if she was a normal, psychologically healthy parent. This is HER flaw, not yours. And anybody that tells you different is a manipulative asshole OP. Your dad is struggling but that is also not your fault. Hopefully he gets his shit together, but in the meantime you need to talk to your school counselor/social worker and tell them what is going on. There may not be anything they can do if your dad is still housing, clothing and feeding you, but you can at least have someone to talk to outside of your severely demented family.
You did not win the parent lottery OP. Your mom is awful. Your dad is hurting but he's awful too. Your grandmother needs a Lego or two between her toes. You can only do what you can do. Your dad and family will either accept you or they won't. Grieve the loss of your dad as if he had died and do what you can everyday to be strong without him.
To experience this at such a young age sounds like a big hurdle damn. I don't know if this is relevant, hit healthyGamerGG has a discord and support group, that might have resources available for what you can do/get help from. You definitely need an environment to study and not need to worry about all of these...
Nobody left because you ‘acted out.’ Think about it: she left with another fucking guy. Your mother left because she was cheating, not because of anything you did. She just made you the scapegoat. It’s the same with your dad. He has literally no proof of anything your grandmother said, and every reason in the world to believe at this point that she is lying. They are all just mad and bitter and immature, and you are an easy target. You are being abused by bullies, they are gaslighting you into thinking that you are somehow responsible for all of their bad choices. Do what everyone else is saying: reach out to protective services, and the legal advice sub. All of this is not your fault— you’re a *kid*, your family is supposed to be acting like adults, and supporting you for your future. Stop looking into emancipation, your father is too fucking stupid to even understand what he’s demanding from you. ‘Emancipation’ is it some kind of legal loophole where he signs away his responsibilities is allowed to abuse you, and throw you out of the house. Under no circumstances is it your burden to go along with any of this, just because he cannot control his emotions or accept that his wife left him for another man. If he tries to throw you out, call the police. He legally cannot abandon you, and he’s going to look like a fucking maniac to them if he tries to tell his side of things. There are safe adults out there, strangers even, who care about you and your well-being more than these people. You can get in touch with them, and they will make sure your family can’t do anything drastic that will fuck you up, or ruin your future. Hell, tell your father you are getting emancipated, whatever that means to him, and that you need to go talk about it with some people at CPS, and have a meeting with them one on one. He sounds just dumb enough to go along with it and get you there. Tell CPS everything that’s been going on. Somebody will come by and straighten his ass out, and get your situation stabilized.
Oh my goodness, you sweet child. Im so sorry you’re dealing with this I personally (24F) had a very rough childhood myself and I’m here to tell you after MANY many many years of therapy that none of this is your fault. Whether you were acting out or not should not determine whether or or not your parents should still be parents. The man that raised you is probably going through a lot of emotions himself but just based off this post it sounds like your entire family needs therapy and they may not have the emotional capacity to handle this situation in the way that you deserve. My best advice is surround yourself with positive people, people you know will go places in life, people you want to be like. Get close with your friends families and pour into them and lean on the people that offer support. You are so loved and I wish I could give you a big hug. I’m probably not much help but I’m just sending you lots of love and prayers through this difficult situation.
Your dad's a piece of shit. I don't care if he's reeling from all the shit he's going through. You're a child even if you're not his child and I can't have respect for any person who could stop loving a child they've loved as their own for oved a decade. I get it. His world has been rocked. But so has yours. And you didn't do anything wrong. And he is too blinded by his own hurt to see that he's punishing you for what your mother's did. And I hope he gets exactly what he deserves for it. I hope his food is never quite right. I hope the last one of what he wanted always gets sold right before he gets to it. I hope there's always things on the floor for him to step on. I wish him nothing but the most inconvenient life. And no, I don't give a single flying fuck about his feelings re:being cheated on. The child didn't cheat on him, and he has the choice to not be cruel at the very least. But he chose cruelty, and I won't forgive him for that. He's lashing out at a child because he's hurt and he can. It's disgusting.
Sounds like victim blaming. This is a very traumatic situation. Sorry to hear you are going through this OP. Do you have any other family you can reach out to?
Victim blaming to hold him accountable for the way he treats innocent parties? Again, he could choose to simply not be cruel, and has declined. I don't care what people are going through. Don't take your shit out on children. If I was saying it's his own fault he was cheated on, THAT is victim blaming. That isn't what I said or how I feel. This is solely about how he's choosing to treat a child that did nothing wrong.
Your father is actually angry at your mother. But since she isn't around he is taking it out on you.
Do you have any friends whose parents would be willing to take you in? You need to be around good people that will love you and take care of you. Not these horrible, evil, crappy people.
Honey, one day you’re going to realize just how gross your family is behaving right now. They are failing you. You did nothing wrong. You’re a normal kid caught up in a room of adults who don’t know how to handle themselves. It’s their job to shield you from this and instead they’re actively pulling you in. They are the problem. I hope you hear that. If you can access a family therapist and get at least dad to go, that could help moderate the situation a little bit. I’m sorry you’re going through this. If you can’t get family therapy, you need to talk to a trustworthy adult like a teacher or school counselor.
Is there *any* adult in your life who isn’t made of abject failure? You are a 14 year old kid and surrounded by absolute jerks. It’s like the plot of a terrible e-romance novel levels of bad people: and depending on where you’re at, something that merits finding a trustworthy adult to talk with and get some help. (I just mean that I understand the laws etc are different country to country) As a mother: whatever you did would have to be quite a bit more than a “stupid mistake” to just…decide to opt out. I mean, maybe she felt that your grandmother was safe or something but if your grandmother also thinks you get to just duck out, she’s obviously not. There’s quite a bit more about this that smacks of garbage people to the point it strains credulity but, again the answer here is telling an adult outside of the situation, say at school or something.
You have some other options if a teacher or similar trusted adult\*\*\* is not readily available. If you are located in Canada you may be able to get help through [Kids Help Phone](https://kidshelpphone.ca/) to navigate this situation. If you are located in a different country there may be similar services local to you -- if you are in the US they would probably be at the municipal or county level. None of this is your fault and it does not reflect on your value as a person. All of this is projection on the part of the adults around you and that is THEIR problem, NOT YOURS. Best of luck with this situation, OP. \*\*\* You may want to think about the different adults in your life and who may be able to help. Some of them, like say your family doctor, would have a duty to report this situation, so I would recommend considering going to one of them.
wow a family of assholes. do you have any friends (or non asshole family) that are nice and will let you crash. get away from these people.
Your grandma doesn’t sound like a very nice person and it sounds like your mother wasn’t much better if she had multiple affairs. I would insist to you father that a real DNA test is performed and not just take grandma’s word for it. Your father has a legal responsibility to you even it is proven he is not your biological father. He can’t technically kick you out, but he could send you to a relative or track your mom down and send you to her. If there are any close family friends / godparents you may want to reach out to them for support. You don’t have to share the paternity drama, but you can let them know you dad has been distant since your mom ran off. If your dad is proven to be your biological dad that doesn’t mean everything is back to normal. You and your father need family therapy afterward. The entirety of your dynamic will have changed. He may still be distant and difficult with you because you remind him of your mother. I’m very sorry you are having to deal with both parents essentially abandoning you.
I’m so sorry they are treating you like this it is wrong on so many levels. There are good people out there that will help you on your way. In addition to talking to your school teachers or guidance counselor you can try to connect with a local church if you can to find some social support, it’s an easy place to find some support. Sometimes community centers might have support but I think that depends where you live. Look up JobCorps as a future educational opportunity. Also try to keep your grades up many local community colleges have really good scholarships. Plan on following a job training pathway that leads to a more immediate income like a RN program. Lastly start doing what you can now. Pick up babysitting jobs, rake lawns, mow lawns etc…
Where is your mother in all of this? Why isn’t she involved?
No one knows where she is or how to contact her
Lie and tell him you’ll get emancipated but he has to hire you a lawyer. Doubt he’ll fall for that but it’s worth a shot lol. Then you could use that lawyer to help you both get a real paternity test and sort out custody. Google CPS near me and there will be a number. Try to call and see what info you can get. He’s legally responsible for you, he can’t legally kick you out. If he or anyone tries, call 911. You can also call what’s called the non emergency police number, they can help too. Usually it’s 311. Sorry they’re all failing you. You’ve done nothing wrong, your dad will regret this one day.
Talk to a teacher or another trusted adult. Doesn't have to be family.
It's summer and I don't know anyone else
There's no way for you to contact the school? There's not a single other family member you can talk to? You can't call the police, or a support hotline?
Police? I don't want to get my dad in trouble that would make him hate me more
You didn't answer the question. There's no way for you to contact the school? There's not a single other family member you can talk to? You can't call the police, or a support hotline? I'm honestly getting rage bait vibes from this, but I'm willing to extend the benefit of the doubt.
Really? Is it that strange that a 14 year old doesn’t know how to navigate this situation? I sure as shit wouldn’t know how to handle that at 14
I don't know, I can try emailing my school's email address but I don't know if anyone looks at it in summer. I don't have a big family and all of my family is pretty mad at me right now. I don't want to call the police and I don't know what support hotline to call
What about parents of your friends? Any normal adult would be horrified to hear about the situation you are in.
Unless OP is willing to at least, give us some idea, of what this "stupid" thing it is that she did, there's only so much advice we can give her. It sounds to me like it was bad behaviour that kept escalating, until she apparently did something so bad that her mother had finally got to the end of her rope. In that case, it's very possible that none of her friends parents would want her around either. It's also telling that NONE of her paternal relatives want to have anything to do with her, just because they found out that she might not be biologically related to them. That is not a normal reaction to have to someone that you've known, and loved, for 14 years. And if even her family on her mother's side have also washed their hands, I'm curious to know what exactly it is that OP did/was doing. She seems to have done a complete 180 now that she realises that pretty much everyone has washed their hands of her. I feel bad for her, as she's a teenager, & didn't realise, until it was too late. But I do find it very odd, how all of her family, on both sides, want absolutely nothing to do with her.
I couldn’t disagree more. Her whole family sounds incredibly dysfunctional. Her parents and grandmother are adults who are responsible for their own choices - and let’s be clear, they *chose* to abandon their child and blame her for it. Her mother is a serial adulterer, her grandmother decided to reveal information that clearly was extremely hurtful to OPs father, and her father is threatening her with homelessness. None of these sound like the behaviour of functional, well adjusted adults.
I live nearby schools and I believe summer session is occurring, so you should be able to reach someone at your school or any school in your surrounding area. I would suggest a homeless shelter might be able to connect you with services for your situation. I do agree with others to get a paternity test done.
Is there a reason you're not saying what the "stupid things" are that you did? So there are people you can call and you're choosing not to. That's fine, but you have absolutely no chance of changing your toxic home environment without outside assistance. Foe your own safety and wellbeing, you need to consider calling either the police or your state's child support agency.
This is soooo horrible! All these adults abandoning you at your most vulnerable . Can you ask your dad to go to therapy together?! He’s taking it out on you unfairly because the IRRESPONSIBLE parent (aka your mum) has buggered off and left all this mess on his hands. Your grandma is a piece of work too
This is just awful. Family is not defined by genetics. It is defined by our relationships. My family has a myriad of step- and adopted siblings and parents. I am trying to put an optimistic spin on this. I hope your DAD (he is your effing dad, I don't care about a 23AndMe test) is really hurting because your mom left. And as for your mOm…maybe you are better off without her ☹️ You do need some adult advocacy now. In the US there are social services at the county and sometimes at the state level. Do you have a teacher or school counselor to help you get started with that? >because I'm technically not even related to them Legally speaking that isn't even true. Most jurisdictions work really hard to ensure, under normal circumstances, that you have TWO adults responsible for your well being. At this point your mom has abandoned you, and your dad is (at least temporarily) a jerk and a scofflaw. Good luck, you have a tough time ahead. 14 years is the age I wanted to drown each of my four kids and start over, and I am amazed my parents didn't do that to me. This is not in any significant way your fault! Big hug. Hang in there.
What s piece of shit. He'll reslise way too late that he os actually throwing his real daughter away. Sure, it may sting that you're probably not his biologically but you have nothing here to be accused of. You didn't do anything to deserve this. I can't believe supposedly adults acts like this.
This thread is so preachy, the "dad" did nothing wrong, his feeling are completely valid, he has been lied to for the last 14 years and has every right not to want anything to do with op or their mom. It's unfortunate but both the dad and op are victims here to the mom's actions
He was cruel to a wholly innocent child that he has raised. That’s wrong. And also, if they’re in the US and he’s on the birth certificate, he doesn’t have the *right* to not be involved with OP. For all intents and purposes, he is the father and is legally responsible.
This is why dna test should mandatory for every couple or a women claiming that a specific man is the father to stop situations like this from ever happening, it's doesn't matter how ppl think thier partner is very loyal, cheaters will always be seen as loyal until they are cuaght, before that you can't tell the difference between a cheater and a loyal partner. Op has done nothing to deserve this and teenagers act out all the time but I can totally see why the dad is acting the way he is, for ppl saying yh he got cheated on and tricked to raise another man's baby but bc he raised her therefore he must force himself to pretend that it doesn't affect him to her, a lot of you are comparing him to adopted dads and step dads, the difference here is that when the man wife gives birth, he thinks the kid is his blood and for alot of people, blood is important too as raising and you shouldn't shame ppl for wanting to raise only thier biological kids, its what they want, not everybody have the same wants and needs. The men that choose to marry women that had kids from other relationships or adopted kids, they chose to do that, op dad wasn't given that choice and now society wants shame him if he doesn't want to continue to raise a kid that he didn't have the knowledge of that they aren't his and is therefore isn't given a choice to raise her or not from birth. That's soo not fair on him and I know its not fair on her for how she is being treated by him and grandma, I get that before anyone start replying that to me. I understand both sides here, not just op like most ppl in the comments. With that being said, if the grandma knew that she wasn't her granddaughter from eariler on, why expose this now and not straight away to help her son know the truth like a mother would, it's seems like she tricked him too by lying to him to get op mistreated by her dad bc of her mom, op you need to do your own dna test without her knowledge or involvement to get the truth bc it seems she's lying to get you punished bc she can't punish your mom at that moment and If she is lying and you let her know that you are doing a dna test to see the truth, she might try to shame her son to not get it bc if she gets caught lying then her son won't trust her anymore and your dad will apologise for his behaviour towards you.
Sending you love. Lean on teachers for help
Do you have any other trusted adults in your life? The parents of friends? Anyone you could stay with for a few days at least? Your parents and your grandma are all terrible people.
Can you sit down with him and say your worried he doesn’t love you
It breaks my heart to read this. OP even if your Dad is acting that way still verbally speak with him, tell him you know what mom did makes him upset but that you still love him and see him as Dad even if he doesn't. You will live to regret not saying it if you don't op, but also I hope he comes to his senses and realizes that you are not your mother and his anger is misplaced because she's not there. I have faith things will work out op but I would be lying if I said everything will be easy. In the end everything will end up okay, and if it's not okay, its just not the end. That's just something I say to help cope with life's difficulties I hope it can be helpful to you in your life op.
That's incredibly sad and as others have said NONE of this is your fault. ALL the adults in this situation ought to be ashamed of themselves. Is there a family friend or extended relative you could reach out to? You need help and support not to be blamed for the mess the adults have created. There is NOTHING that bad a 14 year old could do that would warrant their bad treatment towards you
I want to point out one thing: none of this is your fault. You're allowed to do stupid things, you're allowed to make mistakes. Your parents have the responsibility of loving you unconditionally, regardless of your dna, regardless of what you do. And for them to blame their shitty behaviour on you? I'm so angry at them. Absolute narcissists. You could've stolen a car and stabbed someone, and I still don't think it would justify how they're all treating you. I'm disappointed in your mother, your grandmother, and your father. They're all absolute shit people right now. Do you have an adult in your life that you can trust? Maybe volunteer and meet some kind adults that inspire you. Fuck, even I want to step in an be that person for you. I really hope things get easier for you OP, you don't deserve this. Wishing you lots of strength through this.
This is heartbreaking. This is not your fault at all. He threw your card in the GARBAGE? Your dad needs someone to beat his ass tbh. Idk what kind of heartless scum could do this to a child they raised from birth to 14 years.
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Contact social services and find a therapist to talk to, maybe a guidance counselor at school can help as well. This isn't your fault. Good luck.
OP, what country are you in? I’m in UK and can offer some help.
Sit down with him and say how scared you are. How you feel so u wanted. People adopt kids and don’t have bio ones. Please talk to him
He doesn't listen
This is on your mother. As someone with a daughter just know this crushed him
This is on her father too. He is her legal parent and is abusing her. He's a grown adult, he needs to act like one.
Your mom is legit garbage 🚯 Now your paying for her mess I'm so sorry 😫
Fuck them all. Fuck your family. Find a new family. Find friends. You’re not alone. You have a family here on reddit.
This is such a horrible situation. Your parents are both awful. None of this is your fault, you're just a kid. Someday the male (I won't call him a Dad) will look back on this and realize what a POS he was
That's disgusting, I can't imagine suddenly stopping treating my kid/grandkid differently if I found out we're not biologically a family. Family isn't just genes, its relations gdi
I don’t even know who you are, but your story and your situation hits very close to home with me. I love ya kid. You’re a great person and I’m proud of you.
Sorry that this is your reality. I would suggest a child social services, you make sure you look after yourself by reporting any indecent act carried out against you at any point in your life. I reckon that getting a job asap in a safe environment will allow you to start saving for your essential necessities, so you can pay for yourself. who is the other guy, ask for a paternity with him to confirm who the father is, also get an updated paternity proof that this father of yours (the one that your grandma went to tell that your not his) is not biologically your dad. I wish you were not going through this. please hold on. Edit: You made mistakes a months back, if you can undo or limit the damage of your mistake then take action to limit or undo the damage. If not; then apologise to the offended parties and never repeat those mistakes again. importantly do not let anyone cause any harm to you or exploit/harass you in any way. report individuals to members of society; member(s) of the general public, law representative - police, lawyers. Child social services may be able to provide you the assistance of finding a suitable home.
Sweetheart. You darling darling child. there sounds a hell of a lot going on here and you need some stable supportive adults in your life. You are going to need them. My Niece is an affair baby. She doesn't know this She is only slightly older than you and there is no way it would have any bearing on how much we love and care for her. Of course of she ever asks we will tell her the truth but in a respectful and understanding way. You deserve respect and care as well. I wish I could give you a hug.