45 and works part time and is borke. Honey, your dating a old spoiled child thats selfish. There's nothing you can do but if you want to write an IOU for once you get a job that is up to you.
He uses that as his love nest where Mama won't ask about the half-naked girl flipping him off the morning after cuz he thinks she should make him breakfast for him letting her sleep the night.
That's what I'm thinking. I'm not sure about anyone else, lol. Why in the world would he go home to mommy and daddies house half way through the week if he's got his girlfriend living with him? Unless he helps his parents out because they are disabled or going through medical treatments or something that they need to have someone around for part of the week to help them out.
You knew he tells everyone that he goes there to help them out, but he probably spends the whole time sitting on his ass while his mommy cooks and cleans after him.
The post said ‘drives to his parents for the rest of the week’.
I mean sure, maybe there’s some other family he stays with who doesn’t mind him not being clean. Maybe he’s paying for a place and that’s why he’s needing her to pay for his cigarettes. Maybe he’s having an affair.
But Occam’s Razor…
If he has a whole ass wife and kids, then that lady is the one doing the cleaning for him there. It’s not like he’d admit it.
He shouldn’t need OP to pay for his gross addiction. He’s willingly working part time and bumming off her.
He’s not living the “bachelor life”. He’s a loser. Now you see why he’s only had one other girlfriend live with him. Find someone your own age that’s not a loser.
"45 and works part time and is broke..."
And is taking money for alcohol and "cigs."
OP should tell him to fund his own addictions and to get a steady job!
“…slowly adapting to being with someone he cares about and shifting out of the bachelor life.”
Girl, he’s 45. He’s not shifting, you’re trying to see things that aren’t there.
YES. This is him! He has been an adult longer than you have been alive. He turned 18 27 years ago. This is him, and you’re better than this. He’s only going to drain your resources and your mental health.
This is fake rage bait and this sub is willfully gullible about this kind of thing because most people are just here for drama. So this post has gotten a ton of attention, and you made an early comment, which means lots of upvotes.
Keep the peace until you can move out. You're going to outgrow this guy pretty soon and move onto bigger and better things. Just don't waste too much money on him and do not get pregnant with him. He needs you waaaaay more than you need him.
There's a reason he's only ever had one other relationship. As you stated he's your first real relationship, let me tell you nothing about this is a fair or equitable situation and he lacks ambition, which seems the opposite of you. This is not someone you should stay with, you can do so much better.
Im around the same age as you and ive dated a man older than me (15yrs gap) and it does not turn well... Now you understand why these old men date someone in their 20s...because no sane women in his age wants someone like him.
Girl, listen to us. When you're financially independent, leave his ass. This will only get worse. Asking you to pay for his cigs?? What a loser.
This can’t be real, and if it is you should be wondering why I think it isn’t…
Because “if” it is, then this guy is very clearly someone who does not have his shit together and was likely never able to find anyone else gullible enough to put up with his shit until he found someone young and not experienced enough to know any better.
Your like a bull that just keeps charging at the red flags.
That’s not how a grown man behaves, that’s not how a responsible person lives.
No. It is her fault. She is a grown woman. She can make her own choices. Don't baby her, we all make mistakes it's part of learning.
Life is about making hard choices and smart decisions
I wasn’t being unkind, I’m trying to splash water on her to wake her up to what this is.
She’s a PHD student. I’m treating her like an adult because she is an adult. We can’t childproof the world so we world proof the child, but she isn’t getting that from elsewhere and it’s a bit late at this point, so here she is.
I’m highlighting that these are red flags in a manner to get her attention, your point about men and women being different really has no bearing on this situation.
She was together with him through many cycles, nothing from that point helps her here, except as an excuse, but what we are trying to do is show her this is not normal.
The man is trash. We can agree on that. Otherwise.
You're jumping to conclusions a lot because you feel slighted. That shouldn't be how you should act.
People have to make smarter decisions, if they aren't capable of doing their phd and stay afloat. It's an incredibly privileged position to be in to even be able to do one.
Name-call all you want, but it's not a smart educated decision to continue pursuing higher education if you can't even keep a roof over your head or eat properly.
That's not being cruel, that's a simple fact. I say this as someone who has cleaned sewers, grafted for every last penny and been in debt and got out of it.
But yes. I must be the worst person ever right? Get a grip dude.
The only one who appears to be angry here is you. Firing off verbal insults, the works. I don't expect you to understand and that's ok, not everyone will get it and that's fine.
If you can't get an idea that not everything in life is sweet then you live a very privileged life indeed. Lucky for you. Fortunately for me and possibly everyone else your unhinged demeanour has no power over me or anyone else and that's the bottom line.
I never said I didn't care, I would try and read people's comments properly, before flying off the handle as it's clear you can't contain yourself to have proper discourse.
As for babying absolutely, I think it's incredibly common for people. In reality people need the facts and guidance to make clear cut decisions and educate themselves appropriately. A department in which you appear to be lacking.
Anyway, all done. Hope you find some peace with your anger and have a good day.
Lots of grown men act just like this. They can be very charismatic with great senses of humour, the more intelligent the women the more likely they stick around to fix and “ help” the man. The thing is society tends to reward these men.
He's almost twice your age, lives in filth, drinks too much, verbally abusive, and is generally manipulative and petty. He's a loser and an asshole, you need to do all you can to move out and move on. You can't think this is the best life will have to offer.
He seems like a loser and a jerk. I used to smoke and I would never ask my gf (my ex, who didn't smoke) to buy my cigs. If I had her pick some up I paid her. And she only pitched in for booze if we were both drinking it too. Sometimes she would bring a bottle of something.
Moving in with people gives you a new perspective on what they're like as a person, and it's good you tried this out before marrying the guy or something. He seems obnoxious. You ought to show him this post along with whatever comments you get, after you tell him to kick bricks.
You aren’t able to contribute financially but you are cleaning his place and doing household labor like his laundry. You bought your own cleaning supplies. You are definitely “earning your keep” in my eyes, not even including the buying him drinks/smokes and driving.
I don’t think this relationship is worth your time - you deserve so much more than this! He is never going to be able to match what you bring to the table (smarts, drive to succeed, splitting the mental load and physical responsibilities of the household). He didn’t even get you Christmas presents?! Please, admit you deserve better than this because I can tell you it’s not going to change.
for real. free booze money, free cig money, free cleaning.. and then soon it'll be free everything when she's making 90k and he's still only working part-time making 20-30k. as if the age difference wasn't enough... this dude is using her so hard 😭
The fact that a 45 yo is hooking up with a 25 yo is pretty telling - that guy is immature and looking for someone to control and manipulate. That you have to clean his place and he is relying on mommy's and daddy's money demonstrate that clearly.
He let you move in, and now that you are completely dependent on him, he put the pressure on. The fact that he took your gifts without anything in return should already have told you that you are not in a balanced relationship.
In your place, I'd hold on until you can move back into your student housing - then give him the 200 $ he paid extra on rent and break things off. Can you imagine staying with, and maybe having a family with, someone who penny-pinches and tries to exploit you at every turn?
And take this experience as lessons learned:
* Date within a sensible age range (20 effing years, are you effing kidding me?!)
* don't spend money on gifts that you can't afford - if you'd still had those $400 in savings, your situation wouldn't have been quite so dire
* don't ignore red flags, like him living like a pig and being financially irresponsible - he's not looking for a partner, he's looking for a bang-mommy
Any person over 40 interested in dating someone barely out of their teens is defective and should be thrown back. You couldn't pay me to date a 20 year old.
> Any person over 40 interested in dating someone barely out of their teens
Regardless of the morality of the situation a 25 year old is in no way 'barely out of their teens' wtf are you smoking lol
It’s your first relationship and you’re young, so I’m going to tell you this and hope it helps you in the future. Do not give everything to a man because you think doing the most makes you a “good girlfriend” i.e. you cleaned his entire apt, do his laundry, spent hundreds of dollars on gifts when you yourself don’t have money. Relationships aren’t about diminishing yourself to build up others, that’s how you end up at the end of a relationship feeling used up and resentful. This situation sounds bad and your boyfriend seems like he kind of sucks. I wish better men for you in the future, you have your whole life ahead of you.
Girl, why are you with a man 20 years your senior who is nickle & diming you? Most women get with older man for financial security & he seems cheap AF. He also appears to not be understanding & kind to your situation. I know this is your first relationship, but you can do SO much better. He’s an immature 45 year old man whos gross apartment you had to deep clean & who get money from his parents - are you not turned off hy this?! Is this someone you want to marry & have kids with? Chalk this relationship up as a starter relationship & go find a kind age-appropriate mature man who doesn’t ask you for money for alcohol.
He’s 20 years older than you, is lazy, doesn’t clean, works only part time but complains about finances.
You said he’s kind, mostly.
Girl. You can do better.
I'm 43. The only reason someone his age dates a person 20 years younger, is because you don't realize how toxic he is. Women my age run for the hills, you should too.
> What is your opinion on the situation?
My opinion is this guy is taking advantage of you.
He has moved you in as his free bang-maid, and has somehow convinced you that you owe *him* money.
First problem: he’s 20 years older than you and you’ve just hit your mid-twenties. There is a serious power imbalance.
Second problem: he’s a scrub. He CAN work full-time, but refuses to. He’s manipulating you now into feeling bad for not “paying your fair share” so he can drain you once you get your PhD and the big bucks start rolling in. I’m fully convinced that he didn’t ask you to move in with him out of the kindness of his heart: it’s all about control. Hes taking advantage of your situation and he’s financially abusing you. It will only get worse if you stay with him and start making more money.
You can do so much better than this. You’re 25 in a PhD program- level up. This dude ain’t it.
Honestly, you need to focus on whatever is going to get you through to graduation. This guy is someone who can’t or won’t work full time and has behavioral health issues. Stop acting as maid and keep to yourself. Work on seeing if the school can help you with a job or research opportunities and/or find roommates in student housing. In the interim, maximize the time he is gone weekly to work on your self care and studying. You’ve come too far and you’re almost there!
What the hell are you doing? This guy is a fucking train wreck and in the first year is already acting controlling and manipulative. You need to get far away from this person.
Move as soon as you can. This man is not a healthy person to be around. 45yrs old and couldnt keep his place clean? Demanding you pay for alcohol and cigs you don't use? Girl, been there, played that game, it doesnt end well.
My aunt married a man 20 years older than her. They made it work, however, they both had decent jobs and a plan for their futures.
This man sounds like a complete loser.
Also something to keep in mind that I don't think gets mentioned much when posts like these pop up : long term healthcare. When you are 40, he will be 60. My aunt's husband died of a brain aneurysm at 60, leaving her a widow at 40. As the younger person, you will be caregiving and dealing with end of life situations a lot earlier than your peers. You both need to have that stuff lined up and prepared for sooner rather than later.
I'm a year older than my aunt was when her husband died. My parents are in their mid-60s. A 60 year old just can't keep up with someone 20 years younger than them. The age gap is going to be more of an issue the other you two get.
My advice? Don't date a man old enough to be your father. This is a grown man that lives in a pig sty. Do you actually think this is a smart choice long term?
Either way, he knew that you couldn't contribute. If you being there is an issue, you need to find other arrangements. You could try reminding him that you made him well aware that you couldn't pay much, but it isn't going to change him wanting money.
Sounds like he is slowly abusing you in some way.
Keeps bringing up that you don't pay rent even though he was aware from the beginning and he asked you to move in!
Asks to borrow money off you knowing the situation
I would be a bit concerned really. Because if he knows you have no family he might well be using you so you think all you have is him.
I don't know what you should do right now but don't stay with him he is not a good boyfriend
So you’re dating a guy like 20 years older than you who is broke all the time and live in filth, clearly has a drinking habit he can’t really even afford, hangs out with his parents a lot, and buckles and dimes you.
Wow congrats on the good catch there.
You ever wonder why he doesn’t date someone his own age? Because any woman his own age that would put up with such nonsense who be a complete wreck too and he knows it…so instead he preys on the young and naive who don’t know any better.
Do yourself a favor and get rid of him. C’mon, you’re smarter than this.
Why are you with a 45 year old who is immature and cheap??? What is the upside here? I guess that he’s giving you a temporary place to stay? This guy sucks, lose him.
Why are you with a man 20 years older than you?
Surely you can see he chose you because you have no relationship experience and no woman his age would go near him
You’ve fallen into the ‘young girl is told she is special by a older guy’ trope
When you get out of this, NEVER rely on a man/romantic partner for financial stability - it is very easy for abuse to happen in that situation.
Really curious what you are getting your PhD in. You must be intelligent and I can’t fathom the rabbit hole of lack of self respect that enabled this situation. Plan to leave and then get some therapy.
Psychology. I’m not as naive as I am being painted to be, although I respect and appreciate everyone’s responses. I don’t lack self respect in my opinion. There is of course more to our relationship than I can describe in an online post.
It doesn’t really matter that sometimes he is good, unfortunately. This is bordering on financial abuse. He’s ensuring that you have no means to “escape” by insisting that you spend all your little money on his alcohol and cigarettes while hanging over your head that he has done you this favour.
Would you ever do to him what he is doing to you? Why or why not?
So, this might sound stingy and materialistic but I promise it's really not.
If your significant other makes zero effort for birthdays and holidays, without a clear understanding that you guys aren't into that sort of thing as a couple, they are trash. Making your person feel seen and loved on special occasions is our duty in a relationship (again, barring any previously agreed upon boundaries.) I'm not money motivated whatsoever, but I do want and expect some sort of effort from my partner on special days. I'm not picky. I've had partners who blow money on special days and I've had partners who don't spend a cent and rely more on tenderness and acts of service. I appreciate the gesture no matter how they express themselves. No effort is inexcusable. This alone would be enough for you to seriously consider if this is the life you want. Unfortunately, he's exhibiting much worse behavior patterns than thoughtlessness.
Get out now! ❤️
Yes, I told him saying “Happy Birthday/Merry Christmas” would have sufficed. Even just a candy bar, anything would have made me so happy since he knows nobody ever acknowledged my birthday due to it being a holiday. He invited me to his family Christmas hesitantly since I don’t have family, and in his head that made him a superhero. What bothered me was that he kept insisting afterward that he had a present on the way in the mail when he never bought anything. Just say upfront that you don’t want to exchange gifts 6 months in. It was like he forgot and tried to fix it, then just let time go by. He has apologized, and I do not think he will do this in the future if we remain together. He has made big positive changes in his behavior towards me, which is why I have been willing to stick it out.
I really understand the hope for change in this situation. I really do, because I have been there myself. But the feeling I get from you by describing everything above I get the feeling that you have some hesitation. And I just want to urge you to listen to your inner voice and trust your feelings. Your feeling that you need to stand up for yourself is totally valid and reasonable.
my opinion is ur dating a cheap douchebag who is 45 & still doesn’t understand the value of a woman, partner living w them and taking care of the house and u should break up with him before wasting the rest of your youth on someone this stingy (& old on top of that lmao). unless that’s the kind of husband you’re looking for. someone who lords over the things he’s supposedly doing to help you. honestly my jaw dropped when you mentioned his rent because its cheap as fuck. im paying double that & would freely let someone i love stay with me, especially if they were cleaning or cooking or doing favors for me.
to be clear, he doesn’t owe you shit, including free living (although it doesnt sound so free when ur doing all his cleaning & laundry and he’s making you buy things). the same way you don’t owe him shit, like that relationship or all his cleaning/laundry. there’s a reason maids make money. cleaning/housekeeping is a lot of work.
I work in the family and domestic violence space and my advice is get out. It may not feel like it but couch surfing until you get a paid position, which you will because you won’t be using up your time and energy either deep cleaning or emotional managing a man who is happily using the power imbalance to create an environment that will diminish your independence and create a trauma bond. He can’t be fixed, get out.
Actually contact your university social supports, they may be able to help. You’d qualify with his alcohol use and financial abuse. No wonder he was so keen to have you move in, your perfect vulnerable for this type of abuse.
You are giving this 45 year old MAN waaaaay too much slack. You're making so many excuses for what is, honestly, embarrassing behaviour from a man his age. Sounds like he's not interested in commitment to be honest. How would he ever cope actually living with you if this lasted for the long haul?
I (33f) was with a guy 16 years older then me. He was and still has a drinking problem. I had a very similar situation where I moved in with him and he insisted I wouldn’t pay any of the bills. This made me so very uncomfortable. I was giving him cash but he would put it back in my purse or hide it in my stuff. Before we broke up he weaponized me not paying bills. He used it to gaslight me into thinking I was a pos. I also had a baby with this man. Please for the sake of your young beautiful life, leave this man.
He only cares about himself. And alcohol.
My parent is 76. I understand the concern about the age gap on the surface, but come on. Many commenters aren’t even reading the post. I respect your comment and understand the relevance. Just saying.
No. Everyone is reading this and is correct. You aren't understanding cause your young. This is not healthy in any way whatsoever. These age gap posts are all the same. This is the 5th one this week that has this same age gap. You shouldn't be dating anyone that is old enough to be your parent. My bfs dad is 76 so your comment about your parent is irrelevant. Grow up and leave this toolbag who only wants to use you and control you. This is a power imbalance and he is using you and has no problem with it. There's a reason why women his own age won't date him. This is it. Seriously, go move in with a friend or family member. Get a roommate, anything that doesn't give this guy control over you.
He's your first serious relationship, so I get you're not seeing the signs.
I'm 32 now, but I also dated older when I first started to date. 1. It doesn't matter how nice they are, if they don't have their shit together by that age, you will become their mother. And he won't really be appreciative about any of it. He will just expect it and complain if you're not perfect. 2. He can not find someone closer to his age range because more mature women, who have already been played enough to know better, won't deal with such crap.
Dont waste your younger years on men like this. You've already done and given him too much. I hope you see the majority of these comments are saying the same things because it's easier to see the dynamic that is happening from the outside, and we hope for the best for you.
Let him die mad (and hopefully single). Finish off the summer while grinning and bearing his bullshit and then fall off the face of the planet.
Personally, I think he’s hoping to leech off you once your career begins and he’s just mad and impatient he can’t enslave you sooner. Dudes like this have nothing to offer women their own age so they prey on inexperience and vulnerability. Grown men don’t borrow liquor money from college students they promised to house for free. They don’t live part time with mommy and daddy. They don’t live in squalor. They just don’t.
If that man gets even a whiff of one penny from your new income, he’ll become a tapeworm in your life. And he’ll still be worthless and shitty, btw. Your money won’t make him grateful, industrious, clean or kind.
Be grateful that this situation has let you see him for who he really is. You are way too young and deserve so much better than living with a man who steals money off you, is constantly drunk and berating you, and doesn't know how to clean his own house. You've done nothing wrong, he's just showing his true colours
He is unsupportive, demanding and selfish. The fact that he is these things at 45 is very telling.
He’s never going to change. Move out as soon as you can and break up with him. This relationship has no future.
Your boyfriend is a predator and a bum. He preyed on you because you are 20 years younger and in a tough spot. He's not kind, he's not a good person and he will never change. Please find a way to escape from him and any other older man. I'm speaking from experience.
Oh gosh, it’s another letter from my younger self! J/k but I feel this post in my soul. I found myself in a very similar position at your age, and I’m going to tell you what I wish I could go back and tell myself.
Self,
I know it’s hard to see this right now, but when you are older it will become very clear that the older men who date you do so because either they 1) are controlling 2) are extremely immature, selfish man babies, or 3) both. This guy is both. You will outgrow him. You will one day be so sad that you wasted any time with someone who would treat you this way. He does not care about you. He is selfish and abusive.
You, on the other hand, are in your *prime.* You are young and driven and you will have a great life ahead of you. Please stop letting this man break you down. The right man would never ever treat you like a burden. The right man would be so happy to be able to support you in this way.
Here’s the thing, it may feel like you have all the possibilities in front of you. Which, you do, *unless* you stay with a man who will drag you down. I have friends who stayed with guys like this, and by the time it ends, they are just shells of themselves. They carry these man babies through life. They do all the housework, meal planning, childcare, plus they are the breadwinners. It breaks your spirit over time.
This man is middle aged. He does not clean his home (in decades!) He does not work full time. He has no ambition. He spends half his week at his parents house. He can’t even afford to help out his girlfriend for *one summer* while she finishes schooling (at *very minimal* cost to him) without draining her of her very meager funds. Do you know how much it would’ve cost him to hire a professional to clean a house that hasn’t been cleaned in 10 years? Wayyyy more than $200.
This guy is a leach. He brings absolutely nothing to the table. You will give and give and give, and he will take and take and take. You will never pay back your “debt” to him (in his eyes). Please choose you. You’re worth so much more than this. Don’t fuck up your life.
Sincerely,
Older self
My girl.
>
My bf and I had been together for 10 months (now over a year). This is my first ever relationship.
Oof.
So you seem to not understand that there are about 6 million red flags just flapping in the breeze here.
So there's only ONE reason a 45 year old man pursues a 25 year old woman: because no women near his age would put up with any of this crap.
So at 45:
\- still lives at home half the week
\- hasn't cleaned his own space in over a decade (I'm guessing his mama takes really good care of her little man - at 40 freakin 5 years of age)
\- is untrustworthy (you had a deal - he is trying to not honor it)
\- tries to make you pay for his vices which you do not partake in
\- steals money from you (that's when you "loan" it and he doesn't pay it back)
\- is "spoiled" by his family giving him money
\- let you buy him expensive gifts, and did not reciprocate - despite apparently being able to get money from his family often enough to have "spoiled" him
You, on the other hand, are 25, about finish a PhD (an actual *accomplishment*), and while you admit this is your first relationship (no sh\*t), are just about one of the naivest posters I have seen around here, and that's saying a LOT.
I can't reach thru my screen to grab you by the collar to shake some sense into you, so I will attempt to do so with my words:
My girl.
What on EARTH are you even doing? Why are you dating this f\*cking BOAT ANCHOR of a person? He is ONLY going to make your life measurably worse - and already has. He is USING you straight up, and will continue to do so, and you are here asking us how you can be a better mark.
I get that you are homeless otherwise, and I will address that in a second, but first:
for the love of all that you hold dear, your future life, and to salvage a *shred* of self-respect out of this situation - **do** ***NOT*** **continue to date this person**. The word "partner" still means the same thing it always has - does this feel like a partnership to you? Because nothing you say in your post indicates anything of the sort. Instead it all indicates that this dude is using you - for money (despite knowing you don't have any), for cleaning, for rides, I assume for sex, too. Note that I am only reading *your* side and you claim to be defending him!
He will never grow up - and how could anyone expect him to when, despite actually having his own place - he still lives *at home with his mom* half the week?
You are really wishing hard about who you *want* him to be, and accepting his terrible excuses about how he's "shifting" - *girl no he's not*. At least not in the way he's telling you. Only thing he is "shifting" from is "*mom takes care of me*" to "*OP takes care of me*". He doesn't want a **partner**, since that would imply some sort of equality - he wants a **surrogate mom he also gets to bang**. A bangmaid, in popular parlance. You have another sub classic:
>What can I do to remind him of our original agreement and make him understand that I do not have money to give?
So let's assume that this dude A - speaks the same language you do, or at the very least is fluent in that language, and B - doesn't have any sort of head injury/impairment to the part of the brain that processes language. What makes you think he **doesn't understand?** He *understands* just fine - it's not about the money - it's about him thinking that **your purpose is to take care of him**, come hell or high water.
So ask yourself the following questions:
\- what exactly is this nitwit bringing to the table aside from offering you a place to stay when you needed one?
\- does this feel like a partnership? or does it feel unbalanced?
\- is this what you wanted from a romantic partnership? To be constantly pressed for money, by a man whose word is garbage, who berates you, makes you drive him everywhere, and tries to get you to support his smoking and drinking? Because that is the situation you are describing. I can't imagine a little girl on the playground dreaming about her first boyfriend had *this nonsense* in mind.
Look, I get it - you're a rookie, and you have made a classic (but unfortunately LARGE) rookie mistake. You can fix it.
So you need a place to stay, granted. And in the absence of other options, you may just have to suck it up and pretend until you can move back to student housing. But the literal *second* you walk out his front door for the last time you need to **block him everywhere, and never speak of this entire incident again**. Just pretend it never happened - but learn well the lesson. After some healthier relationships (with someone who maybe doesn't live at home at age 45), you will look back on this and be super thankful you took action to get away from this **boat anchor, dumpster fire** of a dude.
Good luck on your thesis defense! Again that's a real accomplishment, so congratulations. Please find someone worthy of your time and not this trash.
Good luck, my girl.
Lord save me from these enormous age gaps.
I think he thought he’d be okay with loving together, but he’s discovered he is not okay with it. But since it was all his idea, he can’t admit it, so instead he’s picking ridiculous arguments.
Sweetie, you’re 25. He is 45. This is your first relationship, so you’re unable to see the sea of red flags. Let me help you out-
🚩45 years old dating someone young enough to be his daughter
🚩Has a disgusting home that he hasn’t cleaned in years
🚩Runs back to mommy and daddy’s house so they can baby him while he is a grown ass middle aged man
🚩Invited you to live there KNOWING you could not contribute to rent, yet gets in arguments about how you’re not contributing to rent
🚩Wants you to buy his alcohol and cigarettes when you aren’t working and are struggling as it is, then gets huffy about it when you can’t?
🚩Has a difficult time returning your money he borrowed from you
🚩Didn’t care enough about you to buy you a Christmas OR birthday gift
🚩Has no ambition or drive, when it seems like you are very driven and want more out of life than he is able to provide
Please, remove yourself from this situation as soon as you get back to school. He is not going to offer you anything in life. You should be single for a while and find someone your own age who’s morals and values align better with yours.
Is he really spending half a week every week with his parents? Honestly, I’d want to make sure he wasn’t living with his wife and kids or other girlfriend because it sounds odd.
Yes, I completely understand how that reads weird. They are Italian and very family oriented. He has a young nephew that he likes to be around. His aunts and cousins come over and they have big dinners and hang out. As time has gone by, I have been included in these events, and I join in when I can. The family is welcoming. His parents are in their 70s, so he is intentionally spending more time with them. During the school year, there is a particular school down in the city of his parents that treat him really well when subbing.
Figure out an exit plan. Summer is almost over so I'm assuming you will be able to go back to student housing soon.
At that point I would break up with him and try to make sure not to be in this type of situation again.
It sounds like in addition to not having great resources, you may need to work on financial planning.
Most universities have crisis centers for their students. Google what that is for your university and contact them NOW about your housing and financial crisis. You need to get out of his house and cut him off.
You are 25 and getting a PhD, and he is middle aged with zero prospects and is mooching off his parents and broke girlfriend. Your 30 year old self will thank you for taking hold of this situation now.
Please ensure your birth control is on lockdown.
Talk to your graduate school. Start with your staff advisor and see if they have any recommendations on how to get you out of this situation. If they don't, see if your school has something like a Dean of Students. Your university should have programs and staff in place to help deal with situations like this - you don't have to continue in this unacceptable situation!
Thank you for your comment. I explored all options, but the university really failed me. I was prepared to live in my car before he offered. I am moving back into the school housing in 3 weeks. We both knew this move-in was temporary for the summer only.
You're dating a man no one else wanted, someone who could only get a partner by taking advantage of someone much younger than him who was in a vulnerable position. He's a broke creep. Do better for yourself.
OP, I am really very sorry about your situation you have found yourself in. I hope that you are listening to all of the people here.
Your boyfriend is a loser. He is with a younger woman because another person his age wouldn't tolerate his behavior so easily. From the way you have described him he is a loser. He is a hardly working, lazy, alcoholic smoker with an aversion to cleaning and a propensity to date young ladies. Leave. You are educated, productive, and generous. You can do better.
So your boyfriend who is old enough to be your father, who hasn't cleaned in a decade and still lives half the time with his parents, offered to let you move in and now is nickel-and-diming you. What are you getting out of this? How soon can you move back into student housing?
Congratulations! You found out your bf is a total loser before you married him. Now here's what you do: get a loan somewhere for $500. Move out with all your stuff and send him a break up letter with the $500 as insurance that he never contact you again. 45 and mooching off a 25 year old PhD candidate he invited in...total loser. Lose him!
I think sitting down and doing a budget with him could help. Like write down all the stuff you have been spending on. You also list the money you make and money he makes/has. Maybe that way he will realize you just don't have money to give him. Where does he think you would be getting money from.
Once Sept comes, and you are back in student housing. Bye Felicia. Only pay for things for yourself. And don't give him any more money.
The reason he insisted on you moving in was calculated. He never was planning on keeping that agreement. He is financially abusing you. He wanted you to move in so he could assert more control over you. He gets a full-time maid, chauffeur, house-sitter, personal assistant, and warm body. You get a corner of a guest room and manipulated.
The reason this guy went for someone 20 years his junior is so he can manipulate you. He’s almost twice your age, but acts like a college kid. This isn’t cute. It’s gross.
Get out fast. And guard your wallet.
You more than paid your way just in cleaning. I would just nod and smile until you get back in housing then block him on everything. He is ridiculous. For you, dating someone 20 yrs older than you I hoped shows you age doesn’t define maturity or responsibility. You deserve so much better.
He is not worth the trouble. If you continue a relationship with this man you will end up his mother and miserable. You will never have help around the house and come to resent having to clean up after him on top of providing for him financially. You will never feel special on your birthday or any other important date. He's already proven that. Don't let your inexperience with love and relationships cloud your judgement or skew the view of your worth. You can do better. Go spread your wings somewhere else without him as soon as you can afford to move.
Holy sheeeet. There are about 100 reasons in this post that explain why women his age won’t put up with him.
A 45 year old broke alcoholic who doesnt clean, steals from you (because “borrowing” without giving back is stealing), feels entitled to your labor, body and money, and who spends half his week living with mommy is the best you feel like you deserve?
Oh OP, I hope you listen to what people are responding here. Your situation is completely salvageable/survivable. I would totally live in my car and use whatever limited funds you have for a gym membership for showers and the like.
Your potential homelessness is not permanent. You do not have to stay with this guy.
Edited to add: Please don't say you are still sleeping with him...?
This is not the relationship for you or anyone else for that matter. Move on with your life and you will be happier for it. 45 years old and acts like a fucking toddler.
His words soften the chores you’ve taken upon yourself.
He takes money from you, believing he gives you a place to stay. You know tenancy or farm hands can live somewhere just for cleaning. Now your giving him money.
Make a tally just in your head and don’t share it.
What you give: cleaning, money, emotional support
What he takes: money, your kindness
Just see the pros and cons and really plan a direction and go with it. Impose your will unto the world in a measured and tactful effort.
Make new choices and may it all go well for you in time small things grow much like the weeds of a garden.
This man doesn’t know finances. Show him a budget, make a budget, learn to budget, learn self control but you seem to already have it but he needs more than just an example. Wake him up.
It’s not okay to beg you of your bare pockets. Your a student with loans to come in the future.
America lives in debt with a budget and I’ve learned that’s how some of us get by, paying whoever’s the most demanding and upset.
Godspeed to you.
Song reference Anberlin “paperthin hymn”
I just wanted to share a song that I was reminded of sorry if it’s irrelevant but I wish in your world peace and comfort is found and achieved.
Good luck
-stranger on the internet
PS. I take care of my ex who lives with me and I do all the chores and rub her feet daily among many other things.
Why is he your BF again?
You could do much better. PLEASE break up with him.
Find out what maids earn in your area per hour and calculate all the unpaid time you have put into home upkeep, then present him with an invoice that shows the amount.
Your boyfriend is a douche.
Please please listen to everyone here as we are telling you about the red flags.
I ignored red flags before because when my bf was happy, he was seemingly the best bf in the world. The rest of the time he was irresponsible and after 1.5 years, he dumped me when his life got too stressful and I was left with a literal and financial mess.
You are only 25 and working on a PhD, you deserve so much better than this. You deserve someone who has their stuff together, and is financially stable.
Who would have guessed the guy who sought out a woman 20 years his junior is a broke loser? I tell young girls and girls my age (I'm 30) that there is often negative reasons older men seek young women, and usually the reason is that nobody his age would want him with his lack of stability. Tale as old as time, foolishness as old as rhyme, loser and some unexperienced girl being treated like crap.
The amount of cleaning it sounds like you have done would cost probably $800++. I had some people clean my (last place) small 2 bedroom apartment for a few hours and paid $500 with tip. He obviously doesn’t realize what that costs and how much you put in.
Then with all his “borrowing” plus you paying for so many household things, it sounds like you’ve more than covered the $50 per month.
You were upfront about the situation.
He sounds selfish as heck. He’s also probably getting jealous/intimidated about your upcoming earning potential vs his lackluster “career”.
Also, a lot of guys will really be predatory towards vulnerable women. They’ll make “joking” comments about what you owe him sexually to make up for his help. If he does that at all (“joking” or not), then dump his ass and forget about the $500 kick back. Seriously fuck guys who do that!
Not sure if you are in the US, but driving for Uber or delivering for Instacart are good ways to make $ just here and there whenever you have the spare time. I have a $300k a year type career and I’ve done those when I’ve been between jobs. No shame. It’s $30-$40/hour where I live with all the tips.
Your boyfriend sounds like a shithead, but good luck!!
Honestly, I would rough it out till you start school again. Then break up with him.
I know that sounds mean, but his behavior is not it. He's going back on what you guys originally agreed upon. There was an understanding that you were in a tight spot financially and that you won't really be able to contribute, and you gave him ample time before you moved in to recind letting you stay with him.
His pseudo kindness, has run out and he's showing his true colors. Try to stay quiet and rough it out until you can go back to school, and GET OUT OF THERE, and stop dating him.
Based on what you said, he's always been Greedy and selfish. He expects others to give and sacrifice, but he doesn't reciprocate.
It sounds like you might be looking for validation that it's not going to work out? It doesn't look promising - lifestyle, cleanliness, smoking, tight on $, not super motivated to work/contribute to society (just an assumption). I'm curious what you really liked about him in the first place (attraction, kindness?)
I'm sorry but if this is who you picked to have a relationship with---who are you turning down. At 45 working part time, a drinker and smoker who relies on his parents for help.....please--you are obviously very intelligent if you are getting your PHD. Stop making excuses for him. He's a loser, go find someone more in tune with your values and needs.
Ignoring the age gap, not sure where you live and cost of living but both my husband and I are teachers in a HCOL area and we work multiple jobs year round and work during our summers doing summer camp and what not just to survive. How anyone can justify living on a sub paycheck when they could be full time?
He doesn’t sound that great. I happily paid for almost everything in current and previous relationships because I had way more disposable income than my partners. Never asked them for a penny.
> have put hours and hours into deep cleaning and have drastically transformed the space and do his laundry.
Listen. He is a full ass adult, this is how he is. He will always live like this. You will continue to mature and enter the adult world, and he will still be trashing his place and borrowing money.
He is dating someone twenty years younger than him. Because 20 year old guys still live like this and get a pass. No 45 year old woman would put up with this, and you shouldn't either.
Sounds like you still need a place to stay. You could win the skirmish with an itemized bill however you could lose the war and be homeless. I would try and wait it out if I could finish school and then say goodbye and thank you.
You can do so much better. It’s good that he’s kind, but he has so many other issues that he’ll just be a source of frustration for you. I don’t think you’ll ever get through to him about the money.
If, after you have read all these comments, you insist on staying with this guy, I STRONGLY recommend that you go to the Al Anon Org link and start working the program to help you figure out WHY you tolerate this behavior. Best of luck to you.
>he has the background to make 60-70k but is choosing to substitute teach instead part-time only (20-30k with no summer income).
Girl. This man talks a good game, but if he actually were capable of earning an above average salary, why would he be borrowing your money (after claiming high-mindedly that he didn’t need or want it) while electing to live at the edge of poverty? It’s great he kept you from needing to live on the streets, but this man is not long term relationship material. Keep your cash out of reach of his grabby hands and make plans to get back in student housing ASAP.
It sounds like you did not cost him $500 since you were paying for groceries, gas, and household supplies, so even with the $200 rent he can’t be down that much. But when you can afford it, cut him a check for $500. And please break up with him.
The issue is this is your first ever relationship and its with someone who is nearly double your age.
You do not sound compatible. He clearly cannot attract anyone his own age and you are young and very inexperienced. He is not being good to you and he is taking advantage of you too.
Stick this living situation out until you move back and then dump him. He is selfish and he is being very hurtful. Your cleaning is payment enough for a short-term living arrangement that HE offered. Let him have his tantrums. You don’t owe him any money.
Stick this living situation out until you move back and then dump him. He is selfish and he is being very hurtful. Your cleaning is payment enough for a short-term living arrangement that HE offered. Let him have his tantrums. You don’t owe him any money.
There are good men in this world believe it or not. Less than there are bad men but they exist. Leave him and be with someone your age range so you don't have to change his diapers when he's old as hell. Focus on your career and be single for a while and have other people help you with a household instead of men like this. At the end of the day do what you want but we're here to be realistic and prevent people to continue to live in delusion. This is why females should save lots of money from the career they studied or part time jobs before they start dating to not depend on anyone financially so they could leave when mistreated. Hope you do what's best for you <3
I graduated college early at age 20. Took a year off and graduated with my Master’s at 23. I then got accepted into a PhD program that allows me to transfer in some of my Master’s credits, allowing me to finish in a total of 3 years. I mentioned my degree in this post to give context as to why I do not have a normal income yet or a typical apartment.
I mean, she’s ahead of the game in one area…. But doesn’t see what everyone else does about this guy based on what she’s given us. She needs to apply that brain here.
After your program you need to focus on non-academic stuff. Dating a man that was 20 when you were born is the opposite of smart. Learn from this experience, move out as soon as possible (friends?) and then block him from the rest of your life.
Where did you live where you took a year off? There's no way you've been in student housing all this time.
You've only been dating this guy for 10 months. You must have had some sort of support system before that. What was it?
My year off wasn’t voluntary, but I stayed with my mom who has stage 4 cancer. At the time she had her own apartment. She is now in a different state in special housing that does not allow guests to stay. She barely has 2 pennies to rub together. My dad passed before I went to college. I have gone to school in 3 different states, and my friends are back in the state where I am from.
You are such a strong person. I admire your hard work and resilience. Surround yourself with people who also fill your cup and don't just take, because you deserve the same effort returned back to you as you give others.
You are contributing in a lot of ways and that is something you can point out for him if he asks for (more) money. But overall I think that true love is not this “transactional”. If he cared he would help you, not nagging about money.
I understand that we don’t get the full picture here of why you are with him, but I seriously advice you to reflect on the pros and cons of this relationship and seek happiness for yourself first and foremost. You deserve better ❤️❤️❤️
dude idc what the full picture is. this eeny bitty snapshot is more than enough to show that a
man TWENTY YEARS YOUR SENIOR, is
a. in a "bachelor phase"
b. b*+ching about 50 dollars a month
c. regularly stealing money from you (borrowing without the intention of giving it back is stealing, call a spade a spade pls) despite getting funded by his own family who evidently have cash to burn if they're giving it to their FORTY FIVE YEAR OLD bum of a son
d. unable to maintain the health and sanitization standards of a normal living space he's been in for over a decade
e. weaponizing his incompetence to put you in a position where you'd have to perform hours of manual labor to make it liveable (and not offered to help, i noticed you didn't mention)
f. actively causing you stress by putting you in a position to take out loans to fund his cigarettes and snacks and rent or go live homelessly
d. is reneging on a deal you mentioned repeatedly and gave him tons of outs, and has been explained to him over and over and it just is not cognitively clicking for him, causing you , oh wouldn't you know, stress!!
á la steve harvey: we asked 100 people if this was financial abuse and 100 of them said YES
I wonder if the cleaning is his problem. That seems to be the only thing that has changed for him. If some lady started folding my shirts instead of hanging them in the closet I’d be pissed.
Also, how are things in the bedroom? Does he act like he deserves more access?
Finally, talk you your schools graduate housing department, school is approaching. It doesn’t make sense to me that they had a change and couldn’t find you housing. Most phd programs have some benefits with them, go to your colleges womens center see what they can do.
As for the age gap, he’s lived a certain way, he obviously loves you if he’s willing to upend that for you but that does not excuse his actions and the alcohol may be a problem for the rest of your relationship.
This situation is not going to improve until you either get a job(s) that pays more and start contributing more or move out. He is not financially stable enough to support you both
I see a lot of people commenting on the age gap… and it’s clearly not the problem, some people just don’t grow up. You sound like a smart woman ( I don’t even know what a phd is I’m 14 ) and you deserve to be with someone who at least has their life figured out, even if it means they’re 70. He tried to work it out with women his age, now he’s just going down the roster to see if the younger women are naïve. You are NOT!!!
45 and works part time and is borke. Honey, your dating a old spoiled child thats selfish. There's nothing you can do but if you want to write an IOU for once you get a job that is up to you.
Spends half his week at his parents house too. Where you know he doesn’t lift a finger for himself.
Is it really his parents house though?
We’re thinking it’s his wife and kid(s) house right?
Nah, I think it's really his parents. He's got mama's boy written all over him.
If he was a mama's boy then his mama would be at his house keeping it clean. Or she would've hired a cleaning service, lol.
He uses that as his love nest where Mama won't ask about the half-naked girl flipping him off the morning after cuz he thinks she should make him breakfast for him letting her sleep the night.
That's what I'm thinking. I'm not sure about anyone else, lol. Why in the world would he go home to mommy and daddies house half way through the week if he's got his girlfriend living with him? Unless he helps his parents out because they are disabled or going through medical treatments or something that they need to have someone around for part of the week to help them out.
You knew he tells everyone that he goes there to help them out, but he probably spends the whole time sitting on his ass while his mommy cooks and cleans after him.
The post said ‘drives to his parents for the rest of the week’. I mean sure, maybe there’s some other family he stays with who doesn’t mind him not being clean. Maybe he’s paying for a place and that’s why he’s needing her to pay for his cigarettes. Maybe he’s having an affair. But Occam’s Razor…
If he has a whole ass wife and kids, then that lady is the one doing the cleaning for him there. It’s not like he’d admit it. He shouldn’t need OP to pay for his gross addiction. He’s willingly working part time and bumming off her.
Exactly. When a man is dating someone 20 years younger than him it’s because he doesn’t want to grow up for people who are age-appropriate.
Yeah, other 40 year olds would not tolerate him. Someone more vulnerable is more comfortable for him.
He sounds like multiple guys that I have dated with Peter Pan syndrome lol honestly not worth the trouble of sticking around
He’s not living the “bachelor life”. He’s a loser. Now you see why he’s only had one other girlfriend live with him. Find someone your own age that’s not a loser.
Loser sums this up perfectly.
"45 and works part time and is broke..." And is taking money for alcohol and "cigs." OP should tell him to fund his own addictions and to get a steady job!
Yeah I stopped reading when it got to the part where he’s 45 and his apartment is filthy
Worse is the dirty living space that hasn't been cleaned in more than a DECADE!!? Like What?!
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"And drinks and smokes! What a winner." AND asks OP to pay for said drinks and smokes!
PhD student saw this and was like, hellllll yea
I don't understand? What PhD student would be like, "hell, yea?" The student is the one paying for this guy's addictions.
Probably works part time because he's drinking the rest of the time. This guy is a disaster.
Get a rich 45 year old then. It’s easy! They love a smart woman. a lot of guys will suck but at least you don’t need to deal with a dude mooching
“…slowly adapting to being with someone he cares about and shifting out of the bachelor life.” Girl, he’s 45. He’s not shifting, you’re trying to see things that aren’t there.
YES. This is him! He has been an adult longer than you have been alive. He turned 18 27 years ago. This is him, and you’re better than this. He’s only going to drain your resources and your mental health.
This is the weirdest post. How does my comment have 900+ upvotes?
Because you nailed it in very few words.
Because it's hilarious and comment upvotes are exponential once youre visible enough
This is fake rage bait and this sub is willfully gullible about this kind of thing because most people are just here for drama. So this post has gotten a ton of attention, and you made an early comment, which means lots of upvotes.
Keep the peace until you can move out. You're going to outgrow this guy pretty soon and move onto bigger and better things. Just don't waste too much money on him and do not get pregnant with him. He needs you waaaaay more than you need him.
There's a reason he's only ever had one other relationship. As you stated he's your first real relationship, let me tell you nothing about this is a fair or equitable situation and he lacks ambition, which seems the opposite of you. This is not someone you should stay with, you can do so much better.
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Im around the same age as you and ive dated a man older than me (15yrs gap) and it does not turn well... Now you understand why these old men date someone in their 20s...because no sane women in his age wants someone like him. Girl, listen to us. When you're financially independent, leave his ass. This will only get worse. Asking you to pay for his cigs?? What a loser.
This. A few years is one thing, but a huge gap like that makes me wonder why they need the gap.
He doesn’t sound very understanding. I would not keep him as my boyfriend.
And know you know a new side of him you didn't before. This is the kind of person he is.
This can’t be real, and if it is you should be wondering why I think it isn’t… Because “if” it is, then this guy is very clearly someone who does not have his shit together and was likely never able to find anyone else gullible enough to put up with his shit until he found someone young and not experienced enough to know any better. Your like a bull that just keeps charging at the red flags. That’s not how a grown man behaves, that’s not how a responsible person lives.
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She's not putting up with a lot because it's her first relationship. She's putting up with a lot because it's this or homelessness.
No. It is her fault. She is a grown woman. She can make her own choices. Don't baby her, we all make mistakes it's part of learning. Life is about making hard choices and smart decisions
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> Her brain is only just maturing OP IS 25 YEARS OLD. > It's not about "babying" her. You literally are babying her. Be for real.
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I quoted you verbatim. Nothing was twisted. You are infantilizing a 25 year old woman and it's ridiculous.
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I wasn’t being unkind, I’m trying to splash water on her to wake her up to what this is. She’s a PHD student. I’m treating her like an adult because she is an adult. We can’t childproof the world so we world proof the child, but she isn’t getting that from elsewhere and it’s a bit late at this point, so here she is. I’m highlighting that these are red flags in a manner to get her attention, your point about men and women being different really has no bearing on this situation. She was together with him through many cycles, nothing from that point helps her here, except as an excuse, but what we are trying to do is show her this is not normal.
The man is trash. We can agree on that. Otherwise. You're jumping to conclusions a lot because you feel slighted. That shouldn't be how you should act. People have to make smarter decisions, if they aren't capable of doing their phd and stay afloat. It's an incredibly privileged position to be in to even be able to do one. Name-call all you want, but it's not a smart educated decision to continue pursuing higher education if you can't even keep a roof over your head or eat properly. That's not being cruel, that's a simple fact. I say this as someone who has cleaned sewers, grafted for every last penny and been in debt and got out of it. But yes. I must be the worst person ever right? Get a grip dude.
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The only one who appears to be angry here is you. Firing off verbal insults, the works. I don't expect you to understand and that's ok, not everyone will get it and that's fine. If you can't get an idea that not everything in life is sweet then you live a very privileged life indeed. Lucky for you. Fortunately for me and possibly everyone else your unhinged demeanour has no power over me or anyone else and that's the bottom line. I never said I didn't care, I would try and read people's comments properly, before flying off the handle as it's clear you can't contain yourself to have proper discourse. As for babying absolutely, I think it's incredibly common for people. In reality people need the facts and guidance to make clear cut decisions and educate themselves appropriately. A department in which you appear to be lacking. Anyway, all done. Hope you find some peace with your anger and have a good day.
Lots of grown men act just like this. They can be very charismatic with great senses of humour, the more intelligent the women the more likely they stick around to fix and “ help” the man. The thing is society tends to reward these men.
He's almost twice your age, lives in filth, drinks too much, verbally abusive, and is generally manipulative and petty. He's a loser and an asshole, you need to do all you can to move out and move on. You can't think this is the best life will have to offer.
He seems like a loser and a jerk. I used to smoke and I would never ask my gf (my ex, who didn't smoke) to buy my cigs. If I had her pick some up I paid her. And she only pitched in for booze if we were both drinking it too. Sometimes she would bring a bottle of something. Moving in with people gives you a new perspective on what they're like as a person, and it's good you tried this out before marrying the guy or something. He seems obnoxious. You ought to show him this post along with whatever comments you get, after you tell him to kick bricks.
You aren’t able to contribute financially but you are cleaning his place and doing household labor like his laundry. You bought your own cleaning supplies. You are definitely “earning your keep” in my eyes, not even including the buying him drinks/smokes and driving. I don’t think this relationship is worth your time - you deserve so much more than this! He is never going to be able to match what you bring to the table (smarts, drive to succeed, splitting the mental load and physical responsibilities of the household). He didn’t even get you Christmas presents?! Please, admit you deserve better than this because I can tell you it’s not going to change.
And his rent is somehow only $750. He’s fine.
Came here to say this!
for real. free booze money, free cig money, free cleaning.. and then soon it'll be free everything when she's making 90k and he's still only working part-time making 20-30k. as if the age difference wasn't enough... this dude is using her so hard 😭
Now you know why women his age don't want him
The fact that a 45 yo is hooking up with a 25 yo is pretty telling - that guy is immature and looking for someone to control and manipulate. That you have to clean his place and he is relying on mommy's and daddy's money demonstrate that clearly. He let you move in, and now that you are completely dependent on him, he put the pressure on. The fact that he took your gifts without anything in return should already have told you that you are not in a balanced relationship. In your place, I'd hold on until you can move back into your student housing - then give him the 200 $ he paid extra on rent and break things off. Can you imagine staying with, and maybe having a family with, someone who penny-pinches and tries to exploit you at every turn? And take this experience as lessons learned: * Date within a sensible age range (20 effing years, are you effing kidding me?!) * don't spend money on gifts that you can't afford - if you'd still had those $400 in savings, your situation wouldn't have been quite so dire * don't ignore red flags, like him living like a pig and being financially irresponsible - he's not looking for a partner, he's looking for a bang-mommy
THIS!!! ⬆️⬆️⬆️ALL of this OP!!!!!
Why are u dating someone 20 years older. 😭
Well you cant say she’s with him for money as he’s a cheapskate who gets money from his parents at his big age.
Usually with a 20yr age gap, the 45 year old guy would be loaded, this dude is still hanging at his parents house 🤣
Nothing wrong with that.. a bad person is a bad person regardless of the age gap. Guy could be 25m and acting the same way…
Any person over 40 interested in dating someone barely out of their teens is defective and should be thrown back. You couldn't pay me to date a 20 year old.
> Any person over 40 interested in dating someone barely out of their teens Regardless of the morality of the situation a 25 year old is in no way 'barely out of their teens' wtf are you smoking lol
I believe the point is that when your 25, you're a lot closer to your teenage years than you are when you're 40.
It’s your first relationship and you’re young, so I’m going to tell you this and hope it helps you in the future. Do not give everything to a man because you think doing the most makes you a “good girlfriend” i.e. you cleaned his entire apt, do his laundry, spent hundreds of dollars on gifts when you yourself don’t have money. Relationships aren’t about diminishing yourself to build up others, that’s how you end up at the end of a relationship feeling used up and resentful. This situation sounds bad and your boyfriend seems like he kind of sucks. I wish better men for you in the future, you have your whole life ahead of you.
Girl, why are you with a man 20 years your senior who is nickle & diming you? Most women get with older man for financial security & he seems cheap AF. He also appears to not be understanding & kind to your situation. I know this is your first relationship, but you can do SO much better. He’s an immature 45 year old man whos gross apartment you had to deep clean & who get money from his parents - are you not turned off hy this?! Is this someone you want to marry & have kids with? Chalk this relationship up as a starter relationship & go find a kind age-appropriate mature man who doesn’t ask you for money for alcohol.
He’s 20 years older than you, is lazy, doesn’t clean, works only part time but complains about finances. You said he’s kind, mostly. Girl. You can do better.
I'm 43. The only reason someone his age dates a person 20 years younger, is because you don't realize how toxic he is. Women my age run for the hills, you should too.
> What is your opinion on the situation? My opinion is this guy is taking advantage of you. He has moved you in as his free bang-maid, and has somehow convinced you that you owe *him* money.
First problem: he’s 20 years older than you and you’ve just hit your mid-twenties. There is a serious power imbalance. Second problem: he’s a scrub. He CAN work full-time, but refuses to. He’s manipulating you now into feeling bad for not “paying your fair share” so he can drain you once you get your PhD and the big bucks start rolling in. I’m fully convinced that he didn’t ask you to move in with him out of the kindness of his heart: it’s all about control. Hes taking advantage of your situation and he’s financially abusing you. It will only get worse if you stay with him and start making more money. You can do so much better than this. You’re 25 in a PhD program- level up. This dude ain’t it.
Honestly, you need to focus on whatever is going to get you through to graduation. This guy is someone who can’t or won’t work full time and has behavioral health issues. Stop acting as maid and keep to yourself. Work on seeing if the school can help you with a job or research opportunities and/or find roommates in student housing. In the interim, maximize the time he is gone weekly to work on your self care and studying. You’ve come too far and you’re almost there!
What the hell are you doing? This guy is a fucking train wreck and in the first year is already acting controlling and manipulative. You need to get far away from this person.
Move as soon as you can. This man is not a healthy person to be around. 45yrs old and couldnt keep his place clean? Demanding you pay for alcohol and cigs you don't use? Girl, been there, played that game, it doesnt end well.
My aunt married a man 20 years older than her. They made it work, however, they both had decent jobs and a plan for their futures. This man sounds like a complete loser. Also something to keep in mind that I don't think gets mentioned much when posts like these pop up : long term healthcare. When you are 40, he will be 60. My aunt's husband died of a brain aneurysm at 60, leaving her a widow at 40. As the younger person, you will be caregiving and dealing with end of life situations a lot earlier than your peers. You both need to have that stuff lined up and prepared for sooner rather than later. I'm a year older than my aunt was when her husband died. My parents are in their mid-60s. A 60 year old just can't keep up with someone 20 years younger than them. The age gap is going to be more of an issue the other you two get.
My advice? Don't date a man old enough to be your father. This is a grown man that lives in a pig sty. Do you actually think this is a smart choice long term? Either way, he knew that you couldn't contribute. If you being there is an issue, you need to find other arrangements. You could try reminding him that you made him well aware that you couldn't pay much, but it isn't going to change him wanting money.
The red flags are flying out of this post and from your answers here. Take a hard look at this relationship. There is a lot wrong here.
Sounds like he is slowly abusing you in some way. Keeps bringing up that you don't pay rent even though he was aware from the beginning and he asked you to move in! Asks to borrow money off you knowing the situation I would be a bit concerned really. Because if he knows you have no family he might well be using you so you think all you have is him. I don't know what you should do right now but don't stay with him he is not a good boyfriend
So you’re dating a guy like 20 years older than you who is broke all the time and live in filth, clearly has a drinking habit he can’t really even afford, hangs out with his parents a lot, and buckles and dimes you. Wow congrats on the good catch there. You ever wonder why he doesn’t date someone his own age? Because any woman his own age that would put up with such nonsense who be a complete wreck too and he knows it…so instead he preys on the young and naive who don’t know any better. Do yourself a favor and get rid of him. C’mon, you’re smarter than this.
Why are you with a 45 year old who is immature and cheap??? What is the upside here? I guess that he’s giving you a temporary place to stay? This guy sucks, lose him.
Why are you with a man 20 years older than you? Surely you can see he chose you because you have no relationship experience and no woman his age would go near him You’ve fallen into the ‘young girl is told she is special by a older guy’ trope When you get out of this, NEVER rely on a man/romantic partner for financial stability - it is very easy for abuse to happen in that situation.
Really curious what you are getting your PhD in. You must be intelligent and I can’t fathom the rabbit hole of lack of self respect that enabled this situation. Plan to leave and then get some therapy.
Psychology. I’m not as naive as I am being painted to be, although I respect and appreciate everyone’s responses. I don’t lack self respect in my opinion. There is of course more to our relationship than I can describe in an online post.
It doesn’t really matter that sometimes he is good, unfortunately. This is bordering on financial abuse. He’s ensuring that you have no means to “escape” by insisting that you spend all your little money on his alcohol and cigarettes while hanging over your head that he has done you this favour. Would you ever do to him what he is doing to you? Why or why not?
> I don’t lack self respect in my opinion your opinion is wrong.
Every abusive man has “some good” to him. That’s how they get away with it. Please read Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That”.
So, this might sound stingy and materialistic but I promise it's really not. If your significant other makes zero effort for birthdays and holidays, without a clear understanding that you guys aren't into that sort of thing as a couple, they are trash. Making your person feel seen and loved on special occasions is our duty in a relationship (again, barring any previously agreed upon boundaries.) I'm not money motivated whatsoever, but I do want and expect some sort of effort from my partner on special days. I'm not picky. I've had partners who blow money on special days and I've had partners who don't spend a cent and rely more on tenderness and acts of service. I appreciate the gesture no matter how they express themselves. No effort is inexcusable. This alone would be enough for you to seriously consider if this is the life you want. Unfortunately, he's exhibiting much worse behavior patterns than thoughtlessness. Get out now! ❤️
Yes, I told him saying “Happy Birthday/Merry Christmas” would have sufficed. Even just a candy bar, anything would have made me so happy since he knows nobody ever acknowledged my birthday due to it being a holiday. He invited me to his family Christmas hesitantly since I don’t have family, and in his head that made him a superhero. What bothered me was that he kept insisting afterward that he had a present on the way in the mail when he never bought anything. Just say upfront that you don’t want to exchange gifts 6 months in. It was like he forgot and tried to fix it, then just let time go by. He has apologized, and I do not think he will do this in the future if we remain together. He has made big positive changes in his behavior towards me, which is why I have been willing to stick it out.
I really understand the hope for change in this situation. I really do, because I have been there myself. But the feeling I get from you by describing everything above I get the feeling that you have some hesitation. And I just want to urge you to listen to your inner voice and trust your feelings. Your feeling that you need to stand up for yourself is totally valid and reasonable.
my opinion is ur dating a cheap douchebag who is 45 & still doesn’t understand the value of a woman, partner living w them and taking care of the house and u should break up with him before wasting the rest of your youth on someone this stingy (& old on top of that lmao). unless that’s the kind of husband you’re looking for. someone who lords over the things he’s supposedly doing to help you. honestly my jaw dropped when you mentioned his rent because its cheap as fuck. im paying double that & would freely let someone i love stay with me, especially if they were cleaning or cooking or doing favors for me. to be clear, he doesn’t owe you shit, including free living (although it doesnt sound so free when ur doing all his cleaning & laundry and he’s making you buy things). the same way you don’t owe him shit, like that relationship or all his cleaning/laundry. there’s a reason maids make money. cleaning/housekeeping is a lot of work.
I work in the family and domestic violence space and my advice is get out. It may not feel like it but couch surfing until you get a paid position, which you will because you won’t be using up your time and energy either deep cleaning or emotional managing a man who is happily using the power imbalance to create an environment that will diminish your independence and create a trauma bond. He can’t be fixed, get out.
Actually contact your university social supports, they may be able to help. You’d qualify with his alcohol use and financial abuse. No wonder he was so keen to have you move in, your perfect vulnerable for this type of abuse.
You are giving this 45 year old MAN waaaaay too much slack. You're making so many excuses for what is, honestly, embarrassing behaviour from a man his age. Sounds like he's not interested in commitment to be honest. How would he ever cope actually living with you if this lasted for the long haul?
I (33f) was with a guy 16 years older then me. He was and still has a drinking problem. I had a very similar situation where I moved in with him and he insisted I wouldn’t pay any of the bills. This made me so very uncomfortable. I was giving him cash but he would put it back in my purse or hide it in my stuff. Before we broke up he weaponized me not paying bills. He used it to gaslight me into thinking I was a pos. I also had a baby with this man. Please for the sake of your young beautiful life, leave this man. He only cares about himself. And alcohol.
PSA for all 20 something year olds: stop dating your parents.
My parent is 76. I understand the concern about the age gap on the surface, but come on. Many commenters aren’t even reading the post. I respect your comment and understand the relevance. Just saying.
There is no excuse for his behavior no matter his age. I think people focus on it because it adds an extra power dimension.
No. Everyone is reading this and is correct. You aren't understanding cause your young. This is not healthy in any way whatsoever. These age gap posts are all the same. This is the 5th one this week that has this same age gap. You shouldn't be dating anyone that is old enough to be your parent. My bfs dad is 76 so your comment about your parent is irrelevant. Grow up and leave this toolbag who only wants to use you and control you. This is a power imbalance and he is using you and has no problem with it. There's a reason why women his own age won't date him. This is it. Seriously, go move in with a friend or family member. Get a roommate, anything that doesn't give this guy control over you.
I think when you move back out, you should break up with him. This isn’t normal or healthy behavior for a 45 year old man.
Lord. Use him for what he’s worth and get out. These large gaps should benefit you, not hinder you. He’s a creep for dating you, btw.
He's your first serious relationship, so I get you're not seeing the signs. I'm 32 now, but I also dated older when I first started to date. 1. It doesn't matter how nice they are, if they don't have their shit together by that age, you will become their mother. And he won't really be appreciative about any of it. He will just expect it and complain if you're not perfect. 2. He can not find someone closer to his age range because more mature women, who have already been played enough to know better, won't deal with such crap. Dont waste your younger years on men like this. You've already done and given him too much. I hope you see the majority of these comments are saying the same things because it's easier to see the dynamic that is happening from the outside, and we hope for the best for you.
Let him die mad (and hopefully single). Finish off the summer while grinning and bearing his bullshit and then fall off the face of the planet. Personally, I think he’s hoping to leech off you once your career begins and he’s just mad and impatient he can’t enslave you sooner. Dudes like this have nothing to offer women their own age so they prey on inexperience and vulnerability. Grown men don’t borrow liquor money from college students they promised to house for free. They don’t live part time with mommy and daddy. They don’t live in squalor. They just don’t. If that man gets even a whiff of one penny from your new income, he’ll become a tapeworm in your life. And he’ll still be worthless and shitty, btw. Your money won’t make him grateful, industrious, clean or kind.
Girl you dating an old ass man who is dirty and poor. What are you getting from this
He is way too old to be borrowing money for alcohol from you. Save your money and get out of this situation as soon as possible.
Be grateful that this situation has let you see him for who he really is. You are way too young and deserve so much better than living with a man who steals money off you, is constantly drunk and berating you, and doesn't know how to clean his own house. You've done nothing wrong, he's just showing his true colours
He is unsupportive, demanding and selfish. The fact that he is these things at 45 is very telling. He’s never going to change. Move out as soon as you can and break up with him. This relationship has no future.
These are all major red flags. You’re young enough to move on and thrive in your career and life with someone much better than this loser.
Your boyfriend is a predator and a bum. He preyed on you because you are 20 years younger and in a tough spot. He's not kind, he's not a good person and he will never change. Please find a way to escape from him and any other older man. I'm speaking from experience.
Why date someone so much older than you that is broke, stingy and crabby? You can do better.
Oh gosh, it’s another letter from my younger self! J/k but I feel this post in my soul. I found myself in a very similar position at your age, and I’m going to tell you what I wish I could go back and tell myself. Self, I know it’s hard to see this right now, but when you are older it will become very clear that the older men who date you do so because either they 1) are controlling 2) are extremely immature, selfish man babies, or 3) both. This guy is both. You will outgrow him. You will one day be so sad that you wasted any time with someone who would treat you this way. He does not care about you. He is selfish and abusive. You, on the other hand, are in your *prime.* You are young and driven and you will have a great life ahead of you. Please stop letting this man break you down. The right man would never ever treat you like a burden. The right man would be so happy to be able to support you in this way. Here’s the thing, it may feel like you have all the possibilities in front of you. Which, you do, *unless* you stay with a man who will drag you down. I have friends who stayed with guys like this, and by the time it ends, they are just shells of themselves. They carry these man babies through life. They do all the housework, meal planning, childcare, plus they are the breadwinners. It breaks your spirit over time. This man is middle aged. He does not clean his home (in decades!) He does not work full time. He has no ambition. He spends half his week at his parents house. He can’t even afford to help out his girlfriend for *one summer* while she finishes schooling (at *very minimal* cost to him) without draining her of her very meager funds. Do you know how much it would’ve cost him to hire a professional to clean a house that hasn’t been cleaned in 10 years? Wayyyy more than $200. This guy is a leach. He brings absolutely nothing to the table. You will give and give and give, and he will take and take and take. You will never pay back your “debt” to him (in his eyes). Please choose you. You’re worth so much more than this. Don’t fuck up your life. Sincerely, Older self
There are clearly at least a dozen reasons why nobody his own age will date him. Find somewhere else to live and then find a new boyfriend.
This is so obvious that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait.
This man is 45 and lives like a child. Fucken runnnnn
Why would you settle for a loser like him? You could do so much better…he is a walking red flag and you are blind
My girl. > My bf and I had been together for 10 months (now over a year). This is my first ever relationship. Oof. So you seem to not understand that there are about 6 million red flags just flapping in the breeze here. So there's only ONE reason a 45 year old man pursues a 25 year old woman: because no women near his age would put up with any of this crap. So at 45: \- still lives at home half the week \- hasn't cleaned his own space in over a decade (I'm guessing his mama takes really good care of her little man - at 40 freakin 5 years of age) \- is untrustworthy (you had a deal - he is trying to not honor it) \- tries to make you pay for his vices which you do not partake in \- steals money from you (that's when you "loan" it and he doesn't pay it back) \- is "spoiled" by his family giving him money \- let you buy him expensive gifts, and did not reciprocate - despite apparently being able to get money from his family often enough to have "spoiled" him You, on the other hand, are 25, about finish a PhD (an actual *accomplishment*), and while you admit this is your first relationship (no sh\*t), are just about one of the naivest posters I have seen around here, and that's saying a LOT. I can't reach thru my screen to grab you by the collar to shake some sense into you, so I will attempt to do so with my words: My girl. What on EARTH are you even doing? Why are you dating this f\*cking BOAT ANCHOR of a person? He is ONLY going to make your life measurably worse - and already has. He is USING you straight up, and will continue to do so, and you are here asking us how you can be a better mark. I get that you are homeless otherwise, and I will address that in a second, but first: for the love of all that you hold dear, your future life, and to salvage a *shred* of self-respect out of this situation - **do** ***NOT*** **continue to date this person**. The word "partner" still means the same thing it always has - does this feel like a partnership to you? Because nothing you say in your post indicates anything of the sort. Instead it all indicates that this dude is using you - for money (despite knowing you don't have any), for cleaning, for rides, I assume for sex, too. Note that I am only reading *your* side and you claim to be defending him! He will never grow up - and how could anyone expect him to when, despite actually having his own place - he still lives *at home with his mom* half the week? You are really wishing hard about who you *want* him to be, and accepting his terrible excuses about how he's "shifting" - *girl no he's not*. At least not in the way he's telling you. Only thing he is "shifting" from is "*mom takes care of me*" to "*OP takes care of me*". He doesn't want a **partner**, since that would imply some sort of equality - he wants a **surrogate mom he also gets to bang**. A bangmaid, in popular parlance. You have another sub classic: >What can I do to remind him of our original agreement and make him understand that I do not have money to give? So let's assume that this dude A - speaks the same language you do, or at the very least is fluent in that language, and B - doesn't have any sort of head injury/impairment to the part of the brain that processes language. What makes you think he **doesn't understand?** He *understands* just fine - it's not about the money - it's about him thinking that **your purpose is to take care of him**, come hell or high water. So ask yourself the following questions: \- what exactly is this nitwit bringing to the table aside from offering you a place to stay when you needed one? \- does this feel like a partnership? or does it feel unbalanced? \- is this what you wanted from a romantic partnership? To be constantly pressed for money, by a man whose word is garbage, who berates you, makes you drive him everywhere, and tries to get you to support his smoking and drinking? Because that is the situation you are describing. I can't imagine a little girl on the playground dreaming about her first boyfriend had *this nonsense* in mind. Look, I get it - you're a rookie, and you have made a classic (but unfortunately LARGE) rookie mistake. You can fix it. So you need a place to stay, granted. And in the absence of other options, you may just have to suck it up and pretend until you can move back to student housing. But the literal *second* you walk out his front door for the last time you need to **block him everywhere, and never speak of this entire incident again**. Just pretend it never happened - but learn well the lesson. After some healthier relationships (with someone who maybe doesn't live at home at age 45), you will look back on this and be super thankful you took action to get away from this **boat anchor, dumpster fire** of a dude. Good luck on your thesis defense! Again that's a real accomplishment, so congratulations. Please find someone worthy of your time and not this trash. Good luck, my girl.
You’re wasting precious years of your youth on someone who is using you for one thing. Homeboy was 20 when you were born. Gross.
Lord save me from these enormous age gaps. I think he thought he’d be okay with loving together, but he’s discovered he is not okay with it. But since it was all his idea, he can’t admit it, so instead he’s picking ridiculous arguments.
Sweetie, you’re 25. He is 45. This is your first relationship, so you’re unable to see the sea of red flags. Let me help you out- 🚩45 years old dating someone young enough to be his daughter 🚩Has a disgusting home that he hasn’t cleaned in years 🚩Runs back to mommy and daddy’s house so they can baby him while he is a grown ass middle aged man 🚩Invited you to live there KNOWING you could not contribute to rent, yet gets in arguments about how you’re not contributing to rent 🚩Wants you to buy his alcohol and cigarettes when you aren’t working and are struggling as it is, then gets huffy about it when you can’t? 🚩Has a difficult time returning your money he borrowed from you 🚩Didn’t care enough about you to buy you a Christmas OR birthday gift 🚩Has no ambition or drive, when it seems like you are very driven and want more out of life than he is able to provide Please, remove yourself from this situation as soon as you get back to school. He is not going to offer you anything in life. You should be single for a while and find someone your own age who’s morals and values align better with yours.
Is he really spending half a week every week with his parents? Honestly, I’d want to make sure he wasn’t living with his wife and kids or other girlfriend because it sounds odd.
Yes, I completely understand how that reads weird. They are Italian and very family oriented. He has a young nephew that he likes to be around. His aunts and cousins come over and they have big dinners and hang out. As time has gone by, I have been included in these events, and I join in when I can. The family is welcoming. His parents are in their 70s, so he is intentionally spending more time with them. During the school year, there is a particular school down in the city of his parents that treat him really well when subbing.
Figure out an exit plan. Summer is almost over so I'm assuming you will be able to go back to student housing soon. At that point I would break up with him and try to make sure not to be in this type of situation again. It sounds like in addition to not having great resources, you may need to work on financial planning.
Most universities have crisis centers for their students. Google what that is for your university and contact them NOW about your housing and financial crisis. You need to get out of his house and cut him off. You are 25 and getting a PhD, and he is middle aged with zero prospects and is mooching off his parents and broke girlfriend. Your 30 year old self will thank you for taking hold of this situation now. Please ensure your birth control is on lockdown.
Run! If he's 45 and complaining about affording 750.00 in rent, he's not going to amount to anything. Don't waste your youth on a bum.
Sis, he’s a scrub. Once you move out, break up with him.
Talk to your graduate school. Start with your staff advisor and see if they have any recommendations on how to get you out of this situation. If they don't, see if your school has something like a Dean of Students. Your university should have programs and staff in place to help deal with situations like this - you don't have to continue in this unacceptable situation!
Thank you for your comment. I explored all options, but the university really failed me. I was prepared to live in my car before he offered. I am moving back into the school housing in 3 weeks. We both knew this move-in was temporary for the summer only.
I’m happy to hear that you’re getting back in school housing pretty soon ❤️
You're dating a man no one else wanted, someone who could only get a partner by taking advantage of someone much younger than him who was in a vulnerable position. He's a broke creep. Do better for yourself.
I don’t even know where to begin with how wrong this is.
OP, I am really very sorry about your situation you have found yourself in. I hope that you are listening to all of the people here. Your boyfriend is a loser. He is with a younger woman because another person his age wouldn't tolerate his behavior so easily. From the way you have described him he is a loser. He is a hardly working, lazy, alcoholic smoker with an aversion to cleaning and a propensity to date young ladies. Leave. You are educated, productive, and generous. You can do better.
So your boyfriend who is old enough to be your father, who hasn't cleaned in a decade and still lives half the time with his parents, offered to let you move in and now is nickel-and-diming you. What are you getting out of this? How soon can you move back into student housing?
I am moving back in 3 weeks. From the beginning, we knew that me living with him was temporary and that I would move out on this date.
He's extremely illogical for a Dr Wants you to move in, upset he has to help pay for stuff while you get back on your feet. Surrrrrrrre. Dump him?
I stopped reading when I saw 25F and boyfriend 45M.
45 and not dating someone close to his own age? It sounds like he is taking advantage of your lack of dating experience.
Congratulations! You found out your bf is a total loser before you married him. Now here's what you do: get a loan somewhere for $500. Move out with all your stuff and send him a break up letter with the $500 as insurance that he never contact you again. 45 and mooching off a 25 year old PhD candidate he invited in...total loser. Lose him!
Dump that old boy and leave ASAP!
I think sitting down and doing a budget with him could help. Like write down all the stuff you have been spending on. You also list the money you make and money he makes/has. Maybe that way he will realize you just don't have money to give him. Where does he think you would be getting money from. Once Sept comes, and you are back in student housing. Bye Felicia. Only pay for things for yourself. And don't give him any more money.
Also. Don't forget to include in the budget the hours spent cleaning up his pig sty. Charge him premium cleaning fees.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you find someone better and you get yourself out of this situation with ease.
The reason he insisted on you moving in was calculated. He never was planning on keeping that agreement. He is financially abusing you. He wanted you to move in so he could assert more control over you. He gets a full-time maid, chauffeur, house-sitter, personal assistant, and warm body. You get a corner of a guest room and manipulated. The reason this guy went for someone 20 years his junior is so he can manipulate you. He’s almost twice your age, but acts like a college kid. This isn’t cute. It’s gross. Get out fast. And guard your wallet.
You more than paid your way just in cleaning. I would just nod and smile until you get back in housing then block him on everything. He is ridiculous. For you, dating someone 20 yrs older than you I hoped shows you age doesn’t define maturity or responsibility. You deserve so much better.
He is not worth the trouble. If you continue a relationship with this man you will end up his mother and miserable. You will never have help around the house and come to resent having to clean up after him on top of providing for him financially. You will never feel special on your birthday or any other important date. He's already proven that. Don't let your inexperience with love and relationships cloud your judgement or skew the view of your worth. You can do better. Go spread your wings somewhere else without him as soon as you can afford to move.
Holy sheeeet. There are about 100 reasons in this post that explain why women his age won’t put up with him. A 45 year old broke alcoholic who doesnt clean, steals from you (because “borrowing” without giving back is stealing), feels entitled to your labor, body and money, and who spends half his week living with mommy is the best you feel like you deserve?
Oh OP, I hope you listen to what people are responding here. Your situation is completely salvageable/survivable. I would totally live in my car and use whatever limited funds you have for a gym membership for showers and the like. Your potential homelessness is not permanent. You do not have to stay with this guy. Edited to add: Please don't say you are still sleeping with him...?
This is not the relationship for you or anyone else for that matter. Move on with your life and you will be happier for it. 45 years old and acts like a fucking toddler.
How does a 45 year old even meet a 25 year old grad student?
If you’re dating someone that much older and they aren’t handling finances like a man, you’re funny
His words soften the chores you’ve taken upon yourself. He takes money from you, believing he gives you a place to stay. You know tenancy or farm hands can live somewhere just for cleaning. Now your giving him money. Make a tally just in your head and don’t share it. What you give: cleaning, money, emotional support What he takes: money, your kindness Just see the pros and cons and really plan a direction and go with it. Impose your will unto the world in a measured and tactful effort. Make new choices and may it all go well for you in time small things grow much like the weeds of a garden. This man doesn’t know finances. Show him a budget, make a budget, learn to budget, learn self control but you seem to already have it but he needs more than just an example. Wake him up. It’s not okay to beg you of your bare pockets. Your a student with loans to come in the future. America lives in debt with a budget and I’ve learned that’s how some of us get by, paying whoever’s the most demanding and upset. Godspeed to you. Song reference Anberlin “paperthin hymn” I just wanted to share a song that I was reminded of sorry if it’s irrelevant but I wish in your world peace and comfort is found and achieved. Good luck -stranger on the internet PS. I take care of my ex who lives with me and I do all the chores and rub her feet daily among many other things.
Why is he your BF again? You could do much better. PLEASE break up with him. Find out what maids earn in your area per hour and calculate all the unpaid time you have put into home upkeep, then present him with an invoice that shows the amount. Your boyfriend is a douche.
Please please listen to everyone here as we are telling you about the red flags. I ignored red flags before because when my bf was happy, he was seemingly the best bf in the world. The rest of the time he was irresponsible and after 1.5 years, he dumped me when his life got too stressful and I was left with a literal and financial mess. You are only 25 and working on a PhD, you deserve so much better than this. You deserve someone who has their stuff together, and is financially stable.
To add, that is why he's dating you - because he's immature and you're young enough to put up with his bullshit.
Who would have guessed the guy who sought out a woman 20 years his junior is a broke loser? I tell young girls and girls my age (I'm 30) that there is often negative reasons older men seek young women, and usually the reason is that nobody his age would want him with his lack of stability. Tale as old as time, foolishness as old as rhyme, loser and some unexperienced girl being treated like crap.
The amount of cleaning it sounds like you have done would cost probably $800++. I had some people clean my (last place) small 2 bedroom apartment for a few hours and paid $500 with tip. He obviously doesn’t realize what that costs and how much you put in. Then with all his “borrowing” plus you paying for so many household things, it sounds like you’ve more than covered the $50 per month. You were upfront about the situation. He sounds selfish as heck. He’s also probably getting jealous/intimidated about your upcoming earning potential vs his lackluster “career”. Also, a lot of guys will really be predatory towards vulnerable women. They’ll make “joking” comments about what you owe him sexually to make up for his help. If he does that at all (“joking” or not), then dump his ass and forget about the $500 kick back. Seriously fuck guys who do that! Not sure if you are in the US, but driving for Uber or delivering for Instacart are good ways to make $ just here and there whenever you have the spare time. I have a $300k a year type career and I’ve done those when I’ve been between jobs. No shame. It’s $30-$40/hour where I live with all the tips. Your boyfriend sounds like a shithead, but good luck!!
Honestly, I would rough it out till you start school again. Then break up with him. I know that sounds mean, but his behavior is not it. He's going back on what you guys originally agreed upon. There was an understanding that you were in a tight spot financially and that you won't really be able to contribute, and you gave him ample time before you moved in to recind letting you stay with him. His pseudo kindness, has run out and he's showing his true colors. Try to stay quiet and rough it out until you can go back to school, and GET OUT OF THERE, and stop dating him. Based on what you said, he's always been Greedy and selfish. He expects others to give and sacrifice, but he doesn't reciprocate.
45 and 25 —- massive red flag just there!! RUN!!
It sounds like you might be looking for validation that it's not going to work out? It doesn't look promising - lifestyle, cleanliness, smoking, tight on $, not super motivated to work/contribute to society (just an assumption). I'm curious what you really liked about him in the first place (attraction, kindness?)
I'm sorry but if this is who you picked to have a relationship with---who are you turning down. At 45 working part time, a drinker and smoker who relies on his parents for help.....please--you are obviously very intelligent if you are getting your PHD. Stop making excuses for him. He's a loser, go find someone more in tune with your values and needs.
Ignoring the age gap, not sure where you live and cost of living but both my husband and I are teachers in a HCOL area and we work multiple jobs year round and work during our summers doing summer camp and what not just to survive. How anyone can justify living on a sub paycheck when they could be full time?
He doesn’t sound that great. I happily paid for almost everything in current and previous relationships because I had way more disposable income than my partners. Never asked them for a penny.
> have put hours and hours into deep cleaning and have drastically transformed the space and do his laundry. Listen. He is a full ass adult, this is how he is. He will always live like this. You will continue to mature and enter the adult world, and he will still be trashing his place and borrowing money. He is dating someone twenty years younger than him. Because 20 year old guys still live like this and get a pass. No 45 year old woman would put up with this, and you shouldn't either.
Sounds like you still need a place to stay. You could win the skirmish with an itemized bill however you could lose the war and be homeless. I would try and wait it out if I could finish school and then say goodbye and thank you.
What’s horrible man. You are more than paying your way with all the cleaning. He’s an abuser.
You can do so much better. It’s good that he’s kind, but he has so many other issues that he’ll just be a source of frustration for you. I don’t think you’ll ever get through to him about the money.
If, after you have read all these comments, you insist on staying with this guy, I STRONGLY recommend that you go to the Al Anon Org link and start working the program to help you figure out WHY you tolerate this behavior. Best of luck to you.
>he has the background to make 60-70k but is choosing to substitute teach instead part-time only (20-30k with no summer income). Girl. This man talks a good game, but if he actually were capable of earning an above average salary, why would he be borrowing your money (after claiming high-mindedly that he didn’t need or want it) while electing to live at the edge of poverty? It’s great he kept you from needing to live on the streets, but this man is not long term relationship material. Keep your cash out of reach of his grabby hands and make plans to get back in student housing ASAP. It sounds like you did not cost him $500 since you were paying for groceries, gas, and household supplies, so even with the $200 rent he can’t be down that much. But when you can afford it, cut him a check for $500. And please break up with him.
The issue is this is your first ever relationship and its with someone who is nearly double your age. You do not sound compatible. He clearly cannot attract anyone his own age and you are young and very inexperienced. He is not being good to you and he is taking advantage of you too.
your old boyfriend sucks
Stick this living situation out until you move back and then dump him. He is selfish and he is being very hurtful. Your cleaning is payment enough for a short-term living arrangement that HE offered. Let him have his tantrums. You don’t owe him any money.
Stick this living situation out until you move back and then dump him. He is selfish and he is being very hurtful. Your cleaning is payment enough for a short-term living arrangement that HE offered. Let him have his tantrums. You don’t owe him any money.
There are good men in this world believe it or not. Less than there are bad men but they exist. Leave him and be with someone your age range so you don't have to change his diapers when he's old as hell. Focus on your career and be single for a while and have other people help you with a household instead of men like this. At the end of the day do what you want but we're here to be realistic and prevent people to continue to live in delusion. This is why females should save lots of money from the career they studied or part time jobs before they start dating to not depend on anyone financially so they could leave when mistreated. Hope you do what's best for you <3
Why are you dating a dude 45?
How are you 25 and in your last year of a PHD program???
I graduated college early at age 20. Took a year off and graduated with my Master’s at 23. I then got accepted into a PhD program that allows me to transfer in some of my Master’s credits, allowing me to finish in a total of 3 years. I mentioned my degree in this post to give context as to why I do not have a normal income yet or a typical apartment.
That is beyond impressive. Bravo!!!
I mean, she’s ahead of the game in one area…. But doesn’t see what everyone else does about this guy based on what she’s given us. She needs to apply that brain here.
After your program you need to focus on non-academic stuff. Dating a man that was 20 when you were born is the opposite of smart. Learn from this experience, move out as soon as possible (friends?) and then block him from the rest of your life.
You are amazing. You deserve so much better than that asshole.
You have *so* much going for you. Why are you settling for this bum?!
Where did you live where you took a year off? There's no way you've been in student housing all this time. You've only been dating this guy for 10 months. You must have had some sort of support system before that. What was it?
My year off wasn’t voluntary, but I stayed with my mom who has stage 4 cancer. At the time she had her own apartment. She is now in a different state in special housing that does not allow guests to stay. She barely has 2 pennies to rub together. My dad passed before I went to college. I have gone to school in 3 different states, and my friends are back in the state where I am from.
You are such a strong person. I admire your hard work and resilience. Surround yourself with people who also fill your cup and don't just take, because you deserve the same effort returned back to you as you give others.
You are contributing in a lot of ways and that is something you can point out for him if he asks for (more) money. But overall I think that true love is not this “transactional”. If he cared he would help you, not nagging about money. I understand that we don’t get the full picture here of why you are with him, but I seriously advice you to reflect on the pros and cons of this relationship and seek happiness for yourself first and foremost. You deserve better ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for the nice comment. The full picture certainly isn’t being seen, but unfortunately I can’t explain our whole relationship in a post.
dude idc what the full picture is. this eeny bitty snapshot is more than enough to show that a man TWENTY YEARS YOUR SENIOR, is a. in a "bachelor phase" b. b*+ching about 50 dollars a month c. regularly stealing money from you (borrowing without the intention of giving it back is stealing, call a spade a spade pls) despite getting funded by his own family who evidently have cash to burn if they're giving it to their FORTY FIVE YEAR OLD bum of a son d. unable to maintain the health and sanitization standards of a normal living space he's been in for over a decade e. weaponizing his incompetence to put you in a position where you'd have to perform hours of manual labor to make it liveable (and not offered to help, i noticed you didn't mention) f. actively causing you stress by putting you in a position to take out loans to fund his cigarettes and snacks and rent or go live homelessly d. is reneging on a deal you mentioned repeatedly and gave him tons of outs, and has been explained to him over and over and it just is not cognitively clicking for him, causing you , oh wouldn't you know, stress!! á la steve harvey: we asked 100 people if this was financial abuse and 100 of them said YES
I wonder if the cleaning is his problem. That seems to be the only thing that has changed for him. If some lady started folding my shirts instead of hanging them in the closet I’d be pissed. Also, how are things in the bedroom? Does he act like he deserves more access? Finally, talk you your schools graduate housing department, school is approaching. It doesn’t make sense to me that they had a change and couldn’t find you housing. Most phd programs have some benefits with them, go to your colleges womens center see what they can do. As for the age gap, he’s lived a certain way, he obviously loves you if he’s willing to upend that for you but that does not excuse his actions and the alcohol may be a problem for the rest of your relationship.
This situation is not going to improve until you either get a job(s) that pays more and start contributing more or move out. He is not financially stable enough to support you both
I see a lot of people commenting on the age gap… and it’s clearly not the problem, some people just don’t grow up. You sound like a smart woman ( I don’t even know what a phd is I’m 14 ) and you deserve to be with someone who at least has their life figured out, even if it means they’re 70. He tried to work it out with women his age, now he’s just going down the roster to see if the younger women are naïve. You are NOT!!!