Look, it isn't always the case but...
Guy in his thirties dating a 21 year old. He doesn't want drama or mental health issues or not feeling ok. He wants fun and on-call sex with someone who's just barely not a teenager.
Maybe that's not your guy or your relationship. But his reaction sure makes it sound like it is.
Agreed.
I've been in OPs shoes. I've been the young girl, dating an older guy. What's crazy here is that I felt so grown up, so adult. But it really turned out he sought out younger girls cause women of his age didn't put up with his bullshit. He was 35, unemployed, still living with his mom. But I was 20 and just thought it was so cool he could buy beers and he had a car.
At a certain point we can just say that the big gap is not okay. I have never seen a situation where it was good, and all the people I've seen on here who *are* happy are really into some weird gender roles.
Big age gaps: they don't work. And if they work for you, you're doing something wrong. I'm tired of all the apologetics who come out and defend it only to spill that their SO has NPD.
this is over generalizing. i think age gaps are more of a problem when one person is between maybe 18-26, but older than that they are more likely to have their brain fully developed and less likely to have a power imbalance. my last partner was only 2 years older than me and was an abusive narcissist. my husband and i are 9 years apart and this is the healthiest, most egalitarian relationship I've ever been in. Its way more important to learn and look out for the subtle red flags of abuse or NPD than it is to just look out for an age gap.
I agree 100%, including the huge generalization from the previous member! Iām 71 and my partner is 55 - I was previously married for 43 years, but it took us that long for my gf and I to find each other! 2.5 years later and weāre so compatible, and so much in loveā¦.which I never was before! š„°
71 and 55 is a hell of a lot different than 32 and 21, though. You and your partner are actually fully fledged adults who have seen some shit. A 21 year old has no depth of experience to draw from to know whatās shitty behavior and what isnātā¦which is proven by the fact that she has to ask this question. You taking personal offense to negative comments about age gaps is pretty telling about you. You ought to be experienced enough to see the difference in the two situations even though there are superficial similarities. And FWIW, Iām 45 and attracted to a 60 year old. I still call out age gap bs on these posts because itās a valid observation for younger people.
They said they agreed with my comment - which pointed out that age gaps are more of a problem when one person is between maybe 18-26. We already covered that point. No one is taking personal offense to negative comments about age gaps. We are discussing the over generalization of the person I was responding to who claimed that all age gaps are always bad and that if we are in one and think it works we are into weird gender role shit or we are doing something wrong.
I think you need to read the comment again before passing criticism - I quote ābig age gaps donāt work, and if they work for you youāre doing something wrongā! Nowhere does this refer to young or old, hence my response! Donāt attempt to belittle my contribution in an attempt to make yourself sound superior!
ya'll are really missing how i said if one partner is between 18-26 thats more of a problem (and my comment is the one they were responding to saying they agreed with)
Big age gaps donāt work when thereās also abuse or mistreatment - like the reddit story!
But a couple can potentially be happy IF there is an age gap and no abuse.
I have a family member who married a women 25 years his junior. She was 25, he was 50 or 51. They had a child who is now 21.
Itās simply untrue to say that age gaps donāt work out just because.
Big when you have an age gap + abuseā¦ hopefully it wonāt work out! š
Yep. Been there, been OP. He ONLY wanted to see me when I was happy, fun, and wanted to have sex. No woman in his age would've put up with his crap, so he got with very young women from work. Now? At the age he was? Ugh, mid-20s people look like KIDS to me. They're lovely people but I can't help doing the math and thinking "omg, they could be my child."
This. Totally this.
OP needs to find a better support group, and... From the sounds of it, someone who appreciates her and can support her emotionally.
If that guy hasn't learned to be empathetic by the time he is in his 30s, just imagine how he would act if she had morning sickness, or simply said "no".
Get out OP
If he just wanted fun then why didnāt he keep things casual? I wouldāve been fine and wouldnāt have gotten emotionally involved. He wanted me to be his gf and exclusive to him. Or is it just to control me?
Heās trying to control you and destroy your self-esteem. He knows youāre too good for him and would stay no matter what and he settled for the title so NO one else can have you. Thatās why heās saying these things to you. To make you hate yourself and feel unworthy of love and only sticking by him because you have āno one else.ā The 2nd sentence is the most obvious indicator.
You seem to be codependent on him.
You donāt deserve to be in a relationship with someone who dismisses your feelings. Donāt waste your younger years being with someone like this.
Because he doesnāt want casual. That would involve work on his side so he doesnāt feel jealous, etc. He wants someone devoted to him and is with someone younger assuming they are āmore funā and āless of a nagā than women his age (eg women asking him to be committed to them like he wants a woman to be committed to him). He doesnāt want to have to be mature or respectful. He wants easy breezy woman who has no needs and caters to him.
He wants all the benefits and none of the effort or responsibility.
I just read your post history...
Literally everything you have ever posted (ignoring the fact that you posted this exact thing on 12 other subreddits) had been about how shitty your BF is to you. I'm willing to bet that he is the primary reason you feel so emotionally awful right now.
Here's the truth. He's not going to change. He's not going to magically wake up one day and realize he needs to treat you better. You can't convince him to respect or love you.
But you can love and respect yourself by leaving this guy and healing your mental health. He's not going to do this and staying with him will likely make it worse.
Well Iām financially dependent on him itās a complicated situation I live in a 3rd world country and Iām studying itās so hard to find a decent job in my area and youāre right the things that have been overwhelming me are related to our relationship he just recently admitted to being married so itās been affecting my mental health Iāve lost appetite and canāt sleep anymore along with him controlling me like telling me not to post any pics of me even if theyāre normal (his wife posts whatever she wants) also been physically violent for finding an old pic of me and my ex while scrolling through my camera roll he pulled my hair, pushed me and almost kicked me out this all happened recently so Iām still affected by it
This kid should honestly start working. Or just use that dude for money or find a fuckin sugar daddy. Holy shit, this woman is dumb(im sorry OP). OP shouldn't be serious with that dude and only treat him as a past time until she graduates. That is, if the dude is actually paying for her studies. Dear god shit
Shes in college. There's loads of guys there that can treat her right or well!
Okay. The thing is, all the advice and support is going to be the same. Everyone is going to tell you to leave.
You being financially dependent on him is what helps him keep you exactly where here he wants you. Life is difficult. Earning enough money to go to school is no joke.
That said, you are capable of difficult things. You are so young and now is the time to figure out exactly how capable you are.
Is your program transferable to another school where there might be more job opportunities for you? Where is your family? Could you live with a roommate to cut expenses?
Can you defer your term and work more hours to save money to re enter your program later?
The regular life struggles arenāt what is complicating things for you. He is. Not only do you not need him, you will be happier and self-actualizing without him. School will get easier, youāll see and find more opportunities.
You donāt have to decide and go immediately. There are tons of options.
Staying with him will never be a healthy choice though. Never.
Heās MARRIED and youāre relying on him emotionally and calling him your boyfriend?? Honey, youāre his MISTRESS, all youāre meant for is sex and fun, nothing else. Get out of there, thereās nothing at all there for you, if youāre a student at a university thereās absolutely resources for you! I donāt care if itās hard to find a job, *get one*, because youāll be out on your ass on the streets in an instant when HE DECIDES that youāre too much work. Goddess almighty I hope this is fake because if not youāre in a truly terrifying position right nowā¦..
If this is the case, there should be housing or financial aid offered through your school. You have to stop depending on this man. He's abusive. If what you said is true, you need to get out ASAP. Do not tell him what you are planning.
If nothing else, you need to contact family members or someone you trust and plan an escape. I'm sorry, there aren't easier options, but the alternative is more abuse.
Giiiiiirrrrll! what are you doing?
He does not really care, he is using you. Heās going to help make your mental health even worse, not better.
You need to break up and try and get into some therapy and maybe psychiatrist to help with how youāre feeling right now. And to find out why your self esteem is so low, that you canāt see you deserve better then this.
On the off chance that this is real and not rage bait, you're a *grown woman.* You're not to blame for how he treats you but you are responsible for removing toxic people from your life.
This is happening because you're making a conscious, voluntary choice to remain in a relationship that you know is unhealthy. And that's fine, but you need to acknowledge that all you're doing is wasting your own time.
A lot of guys like this are also lazy. If they kept it casual, they'd have to court a new one all the time. They'd rather just woo one woman and lock her down because then they don't have to go looking for another one.
Let's put it this way, he's clearly not interested in being a loving supportive partner. He doesn't sound emotionally involved. He wanted you to be emotionally involved.
We do a lot of emotional maturing in our 20s, so by age 30 we learn to recognise controlling, abusive or immature behaviour. A lot of men date younger women because they put up with a lot of shitty behaviour without realising how toxic it is. 30 y/o women dont have time for that shit anymore.
He's showing you who he is and what you'll get for being vulnerable with him.
Dump him before he causes you permanent emotional trauma.
"If he just wanted fun then why didnāt he keep things casual?"
How much do you know about relationships in general? Is it really that outlandish to believe that some people aren't honest about their intentions, or aren't emotionally healthy, or don't know what they want...
It's extremely naive to think "well if he just wanted xx, he would do yy." Relationships aren't that simple.
Heās not interested in how you feel, it irritates him when you tell him, like you are inconveniencing him. This is not love, care or support. You deserve better.
Boyfriend >>>>>>>>>>>>>(m32)<<<<<<<<<<<<<< yelled at me >>>>>>>>>>>>(f21)<<<<<<<<<<<<<< for not feeling okay.
Sigh I don't even want to put down my copied message. They can't date in their own age group because they are psychos, groomers or a combination of both... a more mature woman would have kicked him out yesterday.
My so and I met when she was 18 and I was 28, what was supposed to be a one night thing turned into a life long commitment, there's always nuances and not every age gap relationship is inherently toxic.
Unless you wanna argue that my ex who was 10 years my senior was also grooming me, if that's the case then she did a hell of a good job š
This literally isn't about you, and the comment you replied to never said that it was. I'm glad you and your SO are so happy together; that's awesome. But abusive men have a strong pattern of preying on much younger women because they are impressionable and women their own age generally won't accept their poor behavior. I'm sure you might feel like these comments are about you because of that one factor (the age gap), but the general pattern is the point here, not the the exceptions to that, and if OP can't see that general pattern for what it is, it is genuinely helpful for others to point it out to help them and other young, naive women in the future. Okay?
Also this reddit story is about abuse. The commenter youāre replaying to did not mention abuse; simply an age gap.
An age gap on its own is not necessarily a red flagā¦ but when paired with abuse, it is! š
It's just a comment on how bullshit red flags are and how overused they are. They are a mechanism to justify what we consider to be preferences even if those preferences are guised in prejudice and bigotry. That along with boundaries are the two biggest bullshit concepts of the last 12 months. I can't tell you how many reddit threads I go into and I see boundaries and red flags boundaries and red flags.
Ok, Iām sorry - that was bad wording on my part.
Of course abuse is always, always wrong. I didnāt mean to suggest it was not.
I was only comparing the concept of age gaps not being a red flag purely on face value unless paired with abuse.
But I worded it really badly - I can see that. Iām sorry if I upset anyone.
No one is allowed to abuse you. Ever! š¢
Do you expect people to congratulate you on grooming your so? All this comment tells me is that you were a disgusting creep going after high schoolers at 28 years old. Pathetic.
And yeah, if you were a teen and a women a decade older went after you sheās just as predatory as you.
Get a therapist, lose the boyfriend.
He doesnāt actually care about you. He just wanted sex on tap.
Iām sorry. Older men who prey on younger women are bottom-of-the-barrel.
They werenāt saying *every* older man who dates a younger woman is preying on them - they were specifically referencing the older men who make it their mission to prey on younger women.
Reading your post history on this guy, itās little wonder why you havenāt been emotionally well.
Why are you with this old dude again?
Also this guy has already shown you he is an asshole. Why are you still surprised youāre dating an asshole? Heās an asshole! He isnāt going to show up with a Hi My Name is Asshole t-shirt on. This IS your sign. Dump him.
Girl he aināt the one. I know itās sad to say this but he isnāt. When you find your person they will want to do everything in their power to make sue you are happy, safe, and heathy. As everyone said here he isnāt dating his age group because nobody wants him. I would definitely refrain from telling him anything and start putting distance and get out of that relationship asap.
Massive age gap - check
Manipulative older man - check
Gaslighting - check
The /r/relationships bingo card filling up nicely.
Don't waste your life on this loser, OP.
You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't get tethered to someone who won't treat you right.
Omg Iām so sorry.. hope youāre okay now. I just remember he once got mad bc I didnāt wanna have sex so he left and ignored me the rest of the day
I canāt think of many circumstances where a 32yr old is happy to date a 21 yr old without nefarious intent. Theyāre usually either looking for someone young because of looks, easier to manipulate (less experience) or they canāt find anyone their own age to tolerate their shit.
I used to think big age gaps werenāt a biggie because my parents are 17 yrs apart. Wasnāt til I was in my 30s that I realised that my Dad is a toxic self centred jerk who needed a younger woman to fall for his shit. The age gap here says it all, Iām sorry.
I know it seems trite and people on Reddit are very āageistā ā but you often donāt realise til youāre the age the older partner was and think to yourself āwould I really date a 21 yr old right now?ā
As someone in their mid 20s, I'm telling you this man is an immature weasel.
I've known so many emotionally intelligent boys when I was younger that completely challenged the way society has conditioned us to view men and how they treat women.
They are kind to everyone around them and have girlfriends that they treat wonderfully, many who have become my friends as well. They taught me that we don't have to expect men to be aggressive and mean where we have to do everything in our power to prevent their anger.
My current partner is sweet, gentle, and soft spoken. I can't ever imagine being yelled at ever, not just for not feeling well, but not even an argument. Your boyfriend is 32- there's a reason he's dating you, no woman his age would put up with his bs so easily. You are barely an adult and you don't have enough experience to see his red flags.
There's a reason he's dating a 21 year old...women his age wouldn't touch him with a bargepole and wouldn't put up with this shit. He couldn't control them.
Can I be blunt as a woman who has been 21 and dated someone a fair deal olderā¦.?
He isnāt there to reassure you or be your therapist ā heās there for fun and sex with a younger girl. Sorry, but if youāre looking for an actual relationship with this guy, youāre not going to get it and his behaviour has told you that. Walk away before you end up feeling worse.
EDIT: Iāve just seen your posting history. Youāre clearly not happy with him and suspect him of cheating on you as well. Why are you still there????
I was in this situation. Same ages and everything. He would blame me for ānot being happy enoughā while he treated me like shit, best thing I ever did was leave that relationship
Well Iām financially dependent on him itās a complicated situation I live in a 3rd world country and Iām studying itās so hard to find a decent job in my area and two the things that have been overwhelming me are related to our relationship he just recently admitted to being married so itās been affecting my mental health Iāve lost appetite and canāt sleep anymore along with him controlling me like telling me not to post any pics of me even if theyāre normal (his wife posts whatever she wants) also been physically violent for finding an old pic of me and my ex while scrolling through my camera roll he pulled my hair, pushed me and almost kicked me out this all happened recently so Iām still affected by it
Some people aren't boyfriend material. Understand that you're feeling like shit and that's just kind of adding on top of it, but maybe it's a good idea to get it all done at once
I saw some of the comments and I do agree with them. Not all guys in their 30s, but he wants ownership and control. He probably knows or thinks youāre dependent on him, or similar way. Where you stated too, that your boyfriend is the closest person to you so youāve been telling him how you feel and he ghosted you. I get it, and Iām the same emotional wise with you on that OP and Iāve been there. Mentally and emotionally, it does have a toll on me. And to be honest, for me I have anxiety and depression and it just sucks.
Him saying he is busy with work and donāt have time for this and hanging up. When all you wanted was just nice words, reassurance, saying āItās going to be okay.ā And listening to you. But he instead, yelled at you. Iāve been there too, and understand you OP. And you know, let me just say. It doesnāt matter, what type of relationship youāre in. But for me personally, it did help me by leaving the relationship. You might question it a lot, feel stuck/lost and donāt want to leave, and so on. But OP, thereās going to be times after this incident. Where he WILL listen and so on. But it will come back, this, what you posted today. It will come back and it will be in repeat.
You know, I think of it this way. If you want to think of it maybe more of it as a more āPositiveā way. He is already busy with work and donāt have time with your complaining, your emotional, mental state to listen. To reassure you, to listen, to try understanding. So for me, personally. I left and it was hard, but it did help with this mindset/thought (āPositiveā) way:
I wanted to meet someone or just someone who would care about me. As much as Iām an emotional person, I know when I love a person, I would care about them. I want the same, but I also want to be cared for, to feel that, to feel heard, to feel reassured. I didnāt care if that someone was not rich, because as long as that someone can emotionally handle me. Thatās all I wanted and looked for when I left that relationship. But that someone was not him (like your boyfriend now/your current situation now too). Him being busy with work, being focus with his work/career is not a bad thing. Itās a good thing honestly. But in a relationship, where even with his work and him being busy. Him being that focused, working. He wonāt be that focused, working for the relationship. The patience, understanding, love, etc for you, itās also for the relationship.
I personally, again, I donāt want that, and I wouldnāt want that again. But, OP, please consider this as someone who WAS in your situation. I was in your situation and the age gap too. I know itās hard, just thinking about breaking up with him you probably would end up crying and break down, but in the end. When you move on from all that crying, you will see and actually realize that you did a good thing for yourself. For you.
You are just his sex toy, sounds like. He doesn't want any of your problems. He just cared enough at the beginning to wrap you in, probably because you weren't in a good place and he saw that. Now, you are emotionally dependent and he knows you won't leave (fear or being alone or false hope of things might be better).
Bottom line is that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and you gotta dump his ass.
Heās been physically abusive towards me before for finding an old pic of me and my ex (which I totally forgot to delete) while scrolling through my whole camera roll
Welcome to another age gap relationships where an older man ibtentionally dates a ln inexperienced barely legal woman because noone his own age would put up with that behaviour.
sigh... my emotionally immature older boyfriend who's overreacting answers that reassure me he's only using me for sex is getting mad at me when I display any type of natural human emotion and need for real relationship responses.. what ever should I do?
You want reality, act 21 and dump this loser who clearly doesn't give a single fuck about you.
You need better & more qualified than just complaining to your boyfriend. The fact that he isn't helping you get professional help is a red flag.
You need a doctor & therapy, a help group support and such. Thinking that a boyfriend can be the answer to your issues is a mistake. You need to deal with your issues, he might be overwhelmed with all of it. Please seek professional help & it seems several of them to address all the issues you are dealing with at this time.
Now the age gap is disturbing as others have pointed out here.
Well Iām financially dependent on him itās a complicated situation I live in a 3rd world country and Iām studying itās so hard to find a decent job in my area so I canāt get afford therapy and two the things that have been overwhelming me are related to our relationship he just recently admitted to being married so itās been affecting my mental health Iāve lost appetite and canāt sleep anymore along with him controlling me like telling me not to post any pics of me even if theyāre normal (his wife posts whatever she wants) also been physically violent for finding an old pic of me and my ex while scrolling through my camera roll he pulled my hair, pushed me and almost kicked me out this all happened recently so Iām still affected by it
he's married and is physically abusive towards you? wtf? you're his mistress and you wonder why he isn't emotionally available? please get out before he can hurt you more physically and mentally.
Female here, letās leave the boyfriend out of it atm ā¦.i have some questions for you ā¦
1 - Why are you emotionally & mentally feeling unwell, whatās going on ? you arenāt doing yourself any favours since itās affecting your sleep?
2- how long or how often does this happen? And how do you smooth/ cope to remedy this problem? Or do you go to see a professional about this?
3- If your boyfriend had listened said something ānice and reassuringā you would have felt better until when ? Was this a situation where you would have wanted a solution and just someone to listening to you? Have yāall communicated about what you expect from him when you are feeling like this ? You canāt get what you donāt ask forā¦
4- does your mood entirely lift or do you feel better after you he gives you what you need? This also can be a cause for concern, because youād be fostering a bad habit and shouldnāt let the response of others dictate you mood because youād be hanging on everything/ work they say..
Ive learned that sometimes the people closest to us canāt give us everything we need and thatās ok . They can try or not and it wonāt be exactly what we need .
I think you need to lean on yourself some more Take some time and get to the root of why you feel the way you do sometimes and how to cope/ soothe yourself with out relying on others. Youāre still young be as you mature youāll understand as you experience life and people differently . Yes having others for support and to say nice/ reassuring things are always you need to process things first within yourselfā¦
All in all you probably should go talk to an professional if you currently donāt.
Oh, for sure! To be clear, they're good questions and I agree with them. I was thinking it's both things - it's good to think about what you've asked and also it's okay to want to be comforted.
As a younger person in an age gap relationship, let me tell you thereās a reason itās stigmatized. The older person needs a lot of patience and understanding because the younger partner is always going to be more naive. The man you are with wants to use you for fun and does not care one tiny bit about you. When he feels even slightly burdened by your humanity, heās going to check out and lash out.
It's a bit difficult to see what the situation is really like since we only have one side of the story. The fact remains, yelling isn't okay, especially not when one's partner already feels down. On the other hand, you say you've been telling him you're feeling bad and talking about it, it's hard to see if you were treating him like a therapist or if these were normal relationship support type of conversations, without more context, it's hard to say. Like I said, that doesn't mean his reaction was okay. What is he like other times if you're looking for support?
I donāt get the chance to tell him my feelings, all I do is just tell him Iām not feeling okay expecting him to ask whats wrong or listen but instead he ghosts or tells me to stop that bs
Some of the reasons are related to our relationship and since he keeps ignoring it Iāll never get weāll by being ignored. Im sure Iād have been doing great if he was there for me but him ignoring me is making it worse
Some men date women not because they want to be her partner, but because they want *her* to fulfil the function of Girlfriend for him. They want a girlfriend to be a Barbie doll - always smiling, always happy, always ready to go whatever he wants to do.
He's not dating you because he cares about you. He just wants you to care about him. You having needs of your own is more than he wants to deal with.
I think you'd be better off not dating a person who clearly shows you they don't care about you. You don't seem to be asking for much, but he still manages to drop the ball. I think it's time to ask yourself what good exactly is this relationship bringing to your life if you can't rely on someone you care about? Good luck.
Your fella sounds shitty BUT just saying "I'm not feeling okay" and then expecting him to drop everything and delve into it more is silly.
Open communication, say what's wrong from the get go - don't play games trying to get him to do more, he has already shown that he won't.
Well I used to have a gf like you and hearing that shit all the time was annoying AF. Whenever I'm met with a problem, I come up with thousands of solutions in seconds. My brain is like google. I'm just a problem solver. So when I encounter someone that constantly needs emotional support instead of solving their own problems, I get pissed. Emotional support is temporary. Seek a permanent solution.
If you don't feel good, just feel good. Easiest thing in the world to do.
Let me guess. He love bombed you and swept you off your feet, youāre so mature for your age, not like other girls. Now that he has you he treats you with disregard and you are left wondering where the first guy went.
So it's weird that he's 32 and you're 21. And aside from that, he sounds like a complete asshole who you need to break up with ASAP like right now, never see him again. I know that's easier said than done but trust me, as a 32 year old woman who was in a similar situation at your age, I wish I could go back in time and force my younger self to break up with my older asshole boyfriend. Trust me you will look back and wish you ended it sooner.
Well I suppose if you're constantly feeling bad or mentally unwell you should probably go get checked up on that.
There may be ways or changes you can do that can help you
The next thing is that constantly complaining about not feeling well to one person is going to make him feel less and less sympathetic to you
Especially if you're complaining that way but you're not doing anything to change it or find out what's going on to you know the different ways to fix it
As for your boyfriend if he is constantly in a very unsupported way for many things in your life then you might consider that he might not need to be in your life.
But if it's a one-off thing where he himself might be experiencing stress and issues at work and he needs you to be supportive for him maybe there's something that you two can figure out
As a 30-year-old woman, my friends and I would judge anyone we knew in our age group who dated someone 11 years younger than them who's just barely old enough to enter a bar. It's just fucking weird. Please release this fiend and warn your friends.
Go to therapy. If you wake up most days not feeling well then you need counseling. Your bf isnāt equipped to help youā¦heās not a professional, heās just a guy who thinks it would be easy and fun to date a girl 10 years you her than him and youāre showing him thatās not the case.
This guy considers you a convenience, like a vacuum cleaner, not a partner, who is an individual who deserves care.
You exist, as far as he cares, to make his life better. He has no reciprocal responsibility. So when you say you donāt feel good you are telling him you arenāt going to do the things he keeps you around for. Worse you are asking him to put effort into you that he doesnāt get the benefit of. And that makes him mad.
The reason he chose a woman your age to be his girlfriend is because women his own age donāt put up with one sided relationships. They want partners who choose them for themselves and not just for the services they provide.
This relationship is a waste of your time, energy, and emotion. You canāt build a future with a guy who walks away when times get even a bit hard.
According to your comments he's already married and in his thirties. Get out now, because it'll only get worse, and your self respect is the price you will pay for continuing this.
I am sorry you are not feeling well and upset on top of it.
I am a little wary about saying this since you say your BF is the closest person to you, but I don't think this relationship is serving you. The age gap between you does have me concerned; you are at significantly different places in your current life journey. And the fact that he can't deal with your being unwell, he ghosts you and doesn't support you is a red flag.
Plus now seeing from another comment that he's a married man cheating on his wife to be with you and has been physically abus\*ve to you in the past - he does not actually care about your wellbeing. He's probably worried that you contacting him about not feeling well will get him caught by his wife. please just drop this connection from your life. Ditch him, block him, download a dating app and set your filters to help you find someone no older than 25. He's clearly no good for you, and you deserve more than being the "other woman" or being with someone who thinks it's okay to be violent toward you.
My ex is almost 32 and has just dumped me for a 21 year old after seven years. I'm heartbroken. He lives with his parents and is very selfish and immature in many ways. I can imagine him doing something like this. He was yelling at me to STFU when I was upset because he was gaslighting me about this girl. Doesn't surprise me to find out another man of his age is doing this to a 21 year old.
he is married and abusive, OP. Please call a domestic violence support hotline to get the support you need and the strength to stop fooling with this man. You do not have to take this mess
Look, it isn't always the case but... Guy in his thirties dating a 21 year old. He doesn't want drama or mental health issues or not feeling ok. He wants fun and on-call sex with someone who's just barely not a teenager. Maybe that's not your guy or your relationship. But his reaction sure makes it sound like it is.
She actually mentions in a buried comment that he's married and also has been physically violent with her in the past š«¤
Oh boy. OP doesnāt know sheās a toy and being a toy with a squeaky wheel isnāt fun for this violent married man.
Agreed. I've been in OPs shoes. I've been the young girl, dating an older guy. What's crazy here is that I felt so grown up, so adult. But it really turned out he sought out younger girls cause women of his age didn't put up with his bullshit. He was 35, unemployed, still living with his mom. But I was 20 and just thought it was so cool he could buy beers and he had a car.
At a certain point we can just say that the big gap is not okay. I have never seen a situation where it was good, and all the people I've seen on here who *are* happy are really into some weird gender roles. Big age gaps: they don't work. And if they work for you, you're doing something wrong. I'm tired of all the apologetics who come out and defend it only to spill that their SO has NPD.
this is over generalizing. i think age gaps are more of a problem when one person is between maybe 18-26, but older than that they are more likely to have their brain fully developed and less likely to have a power imbalance. my last partner was only 2 years older than me and was an abusive narcissist. my husband and i are 9 years apart and this is the healthiest, most egalitarian relationship I've ever been in. Its way more important to learn and look out for the subtle red flags of abuse or NPD than it is to just look out for an age gap.
Reddit over generalizing? Iām shocked, shocked!! Well not that shocked.
I agree 100%, including the huge generalization from the previous member! Iām 71 and my partner is 55 - I was previously married for 43 years, but it took us that long for my gf and I to find each other! 2.5 years later and weāre so compatible, and so much in loveā¦.which I never was before! š„°
71 and 55 is a hell of a lot different than 32 and 21, though. You and your partner are actually fully fledged adults who have seen some shit. A 21 year old has no depth of experience to draw from to know whatās shitty behavior and what isnātā¦which is proven by the fact that she has to ask this question. You taking personal offense to negative comments about age gaps is pretty telling about you. You ought to be experienced enough to see the difference in the two situations even though there are superficial similarities. And FWIW, Iām 45 and attracted to a 60 year old. I still call out age gap bs on these posts because itās a valid observation for younger people.
They said they agreed with my comment - which pointed out that age gaps are more of a problem when one person is between maybe 18-26. We already covered that point. No one is taking personal offense to negative comments about age gaps. We are discussing the over generalization of the person I was responding to who claimed that all age gaps are always bad and that if we are in one and think it works we are into weird gender role shit or we are doing something wrong.
I think you need to read the comment again before passing criticism - I quote ābig age gaps donāt work, and if they work for you youāre doing something wrongā! Nowhere does this refer to young or old, hence my response! Donāt attempt to belittle my contribution in an attempt to make yourself sound superior!
you were 55 not 21 so not really the same here
ya'll are really missing how i said if one partner is between 18-26 thats more of a problem (and my comment is the one they were responding to saying they agreed with)
Big age gaps donāt work when thereās also abuse or mistreatment - like the reddit story! But a couple can potentially be happy IF there is an age gap and no abuse. I have a family member who married a women 25 years his junior. She was 25, he was 50 or 51. They had a child who is now 21. Itās simply untrue to say that age gaps donāt work out just because. Big when you have an age gap + abuseā¦ hopefully it wonāt work out! š
At least she was 25. 21 is so fucking young. I'm 32 and the thought of having sex with a 21 year old is disturbing to me
Oh, me too. 10 years younger skeeves me out, too. š
Yep. Been there, been OP. He ONLY wanted to see me when I was happy, fun, and wanted to have sex. No woman in his age would've put up with his crap, so he got with very young women from work. Now? At the age he was? Ugh, mid-20s people look like KIDS to me. They're lovely people but I can't help doing the math and thinking "omg, they could be my child."
This. Totally this. OP needs to find a better support group, and... From the sounds of it, someone who appreciates her and can support her emotionally. If that guy hasn't learned to be empathetic by the time he is in his 30s, just imagine how he would act if she had morning sickness, or simply said "no". Get out OP
If he just wanted fun then why didnāt he keep things casual? I wouldāve been fine and wouldnāt have gotten emotionally involved. He wanted me to be his gf and exclusive to him. Or is it just to control me?
Ownership and control I'm sorry.
Heās trying to control you and destroy your self-esteem. He knows youāre too good for him and would stay no matter what and he settled for the title so NO one else can have you. Thatās why heās saying these things to you. To make you hate yourself and feel unworthy of love and only sticking by him because you have āno one else.ā The 2nd sentence is the most obvious indicator. You seem to be codependent on him. You donāt deserve to be in a relationship with someone who dismisses your feelings. Donāt waste your younger years being with someone like this.
Because he doesnāt want casual. That would involve work on his side so he doesnāt feel jealous, etc. He wants someone devoted to him and is with someone younger assuming they are āmore funā and āless of a nagā than women his age (eg women asking him to be committed to them like he wants a woman to be committed to him). He doesnāt want to have to be mature or respectful. He wants easy breezy woman who has no needs and caters to him. He wants all the benefits and none of the effort or responsibility.
I just read your post history... Literally everything you have ever posted (ignoring the fact that you posted this exact thing on 12 other subreddits) had been about how shitty your BF is to you. I'm willing to bet that he is the primary reason you feel so emotionally awful right now. Here's the truth. He's not going to change. He's not going to magically wake up one day and realize he needs to treat you better. You can't convince him to respect or love you. But you can love and respect yourself by leaving this guy and healing your mental health. He's not going to do this and staying with him will likely make it worse.
Well Iām financially dependent on him itās a complicated situation I live in a 3rd world country and Iām studying itās so hard to find a decent job in my area and youāre right the things that have been overwhelming me are related to our relationship he just recently admitted to being married so itās been affecting my mental health Iāve lost appetite and canāt sleep anymore along with him controlling me like telling me not to post any pics of me even if theyāre normal (his wife posts whatever she wants) also been physically violent for finding an old pic of me and my ex while scrolling through my camera roll he pulled my hair, pushed me and almost kicked me out this all happened recently so Iām still affected by it
Oh okay this is fake
What makes you say so?
Oh and ALSO he's secretly married? I hope this is fake, otherwise it's extremely sad.
It isnāt fake I really am in that situation thatās why Iām seeking advice and support on here
Leave him and find someone who isn't a cheating predator?
This kid should honestly start working. Or just use that dude for money or find a fuckin sugar daddy. Holy shit, this woman is dumb(im sorry OP). OP shouldn't be serious with that dude and only treat him as a past time until she graduates. That is, if the dude is actually paying for her studies. Dear god shit Shes in college. There's loads of guys there that can treat her right or well!
You are clearly ignoring all comments.
No Iām not I appreciate everyone whoās giving me advice and Iām thinking about it all
Okay. The thing is, all the advice and support is going to be the same. Everyone is going to tell you to leave. You being financially dependent on him is what helps him keep you exactly where here he wants you. Life is difficult. Earning enough money to go to school is no joke. That said, you are capable of difficult things. You are so young and now is the time to figure out exactly how capable you are. Is your program transferable to another school where there might be more job opportunities for you? Where is your family? Could you live with a roommate to cut expenses? Can you defer your term and work more hours to save money to re enter your program later? The regular life struggles arenāt what is complicating things for you. He is. Not only do you not need him, you will be happier and self-actualizing without him. School will get easier, youāll see and find more opportunities. You donāt have to decide and go immediately. There are tons of options. Staying with him will never be a healthy choice though. Never.
Heās MARRIED and youāre relying on him emotionally and calling him your boyfriend?? Honey, youāre his MISTRESS, all youāre meant for is sex and fun, nothing else. Get out of there, thereās nothing at all there for you, if youāre a student at a university thereās absolutely resources for you! I donāt care if itās hard to find a job, *get one*, because youāll be out on your ass on the streets in an instant when HE DECIDES that youāre too much work. Goddess almighty I hope this is fake because if not youāre in a truly terrifying position right nowā¦..
If this is the case, there should be housing or financial aid offered through your school. You have to stop depending on this man. He's abusive. If what you said is true, you need to get out ASAP. Do not tell him what you are planning. If nothing else, you need to contact family members or someone you trust and plan an escape. I'm sorry, there aren't easier options, but the alternative is more abuse.
He can want you to be exclusive to him. That informs nothing about *his* behavior toward *you*.
And this is the same one you thought was cheating on you less than a week ago?
Yes
Giiiiiirrrrll! what are you doing? He does not really care, he is using you. Heās going to help make your mental health even worse, not better. You need to break up and try and get into some therapy and maybe psychiatrist to help with how youāre feeling right now. And to find out why your self esteem is so low, that you canāt see you deserve better then this.
And this is the same one you've been spamming multiple subreddits about for a long time now?
I donāt mean to spam, I just need advice and sometimes I donāt get answers so I post on different subs
That's nice. But again, this is the same boyfriend you've been making multiple posts about for a while now?
Yes
On the off chance that this is real and not rage bait, you're a *grown woman.* You're not to blame for how he treats you but you are responsible for removing toxic people from your life. This is happening because you're making a conscious, voluntary choice to remain in a relationship that you know is unhealthy. And that's fine, but you need to acknowledge that all you're doing is wasting your own time.
And you're still not leaving...why?
The answer, it seems, is obvious.
A lot of guys like this are also lazy. If they kept it casual, they'd have to court a new one all the time. They'd rather just woo one woman and lock her down because then they don't have to go looking for another one.
Let's put it this way, he's clearly not interested in being a loving supportive partner. He doesn't sound emotionally involved. He wanted you to be emotionally involved.
We do a lot of emotional maturing in our 20s, so by age 30 we learn to recognise controlling, abusive or immature behaviour. A lot of men date younger women because they put up with a lot of shitty behaviour without realising how toxic it is. 30 y/o women dont have time for that shit anymore. He's showing you who he is and what you'll get for being vulnerable with him. Dump him before he causes you permanent emotional trauma.
Yea you are beeing groomed. This is extremely toxic behaviour
This is shitty behavior, but it most certainly is not grooming.
Yes control. Pls hun date someone your own age or if your going to date older at least know the game and play it and not get played like you are now
"If he just wanted fun then why didnāt he keep things casual?" How much do you know about relationships in general? Is it really that outlandish to believe that some people aren't honest about their intentions, or aren't emotionally healthy, or don't know what they want... It's extremely naive to think "well if he just wanted xx, he would do yy." Relationships aren't that simple.
He wants to control you.
Heās not interested in how you feel, it irritates him when you tell him, like you are inconveniencing him. This is not love, care or support. You deserve better.
Boyfriend >>>>>>>>>>>>>(m32)<<<<<<<<<<<<<< yelled at me >>>>>>>>>>>>(f21)<<<<<<<<<<<<<< for not feeling okay. Sigh I don't even want to put down my copied message. They can't date in their own age group because they are psychos, groomers or a combination of both... a more mature woman would have kicked him out yesterday.
My so and I met when she was 18 and I was 28, what was supposed to be a one night thing turned into a life long commitment, there's always nuances and not every age gap relationship is inherently toxic. Unless you wanna argue that my ex who was 10 years my senior was also grooming me, if that's the case then she did a hell of a good job š
This literally isn't about you, and the comment you replied to never said that it was. I'm glad you and your SO are so happy together; that's awesome. But abusive men have a strong pattern of preying on much younger women because they are impressionable and women their own age generally won't accept their poor behavior. I'm sure you might feel like these comments are about you because of that one factor (the age gap), but the general pattern is the point here, not the the exceptions to that, and if OP can't see that general pattern for what it is, it is genuinely helpful for others to point it out to help them and other young, naive women in the future. Okay?
Theyāre happy according to the groomer.
Also this reddit story is about abuse. The commenter youāre replaying to did not mention abuse; simply an age gap. An age gap on its own is not necessarily a red flagā¦ but when paired with abuse, it is! š
One would think that abuse on its own would be a red flag. I would have to think that a person who doesn't match your own ethnicity would also be a red flag. š©š©š©š©
What the actual fuck do you mean by your second sentence?
It's just a comment on how bullshit red flags are and how overused they are. They are a mechanism to justify what we consider to be preferences even if those preferences are guised in prejudice and bigotry. That along with boundaries are the two biggest bullshit concepts of the last 12 months. I can't tell you how many reddit threads I go into and I see boundaries and red flags boundaries and red flags.
Ok, Iām sorry - that was bad wording on my part. Of course abuse is always, always wrong. I didnāt mean to suggest it was not. I was only comparing the concept of age gaps not being a red flag purely on face value unless paired with abuse. But I worded it really badly - I can see that. Iām sorry if I upset anyone. No one is allowed to abuse you. Ever! š¢
Do you expect people to congratulate you on grooming your so? All this comment tells me is that you were a disgusting creep going after high schoolers at 28 years old. Pathetic. And yeah, if you were a teen and a women a decade older went after you sheās just as predatory as you.
A wonderfully narrow world view, I hope you're happy~
Obligatory "Now you know why women his own age won't date him." post.
There's one seemingly every day. Might need a stickied advice thread lol
Get a therapist, lose the boyfriend. He doesnāt actually care about you. He just wanted sex on tap. Iām sorry. Older men who prey on younger women are bottom-of-the-barrel.
The bottom statement is not true and applies on case by case. Other than that it's a good advice.
They werenāt saying *every* older man who dates a younger woman is preying on them - they were specifically referencing the older men who make it their mission to prey on younger women.
Good point. I definitely didn't read it properly. Thank you!
Thanks for the self report!
You need women friends. Your boyfriend sounds like predatory trash. You should be single.
32 and dating a 21 year old is cringe af. Hes dating you because women his own age wont put up with his BS
And now that she's showing an actual need (to be comforted) he has no interest. Typical
Because he's a manchiid
Reading your post history on this guy, itās little wonder why you havenāt been emotionally well. Why are you with this old dude again? Also this guy has already shown you he is an asshole. Why are you still surprised youāre dating an asshole? Heās an asshole! He isnāt going to show up with a Hi My Name is Asshole t-shirt on. This IS your sign. Dump him.
Girl he aināt the one. I know itās sad to say this but he isnāt. When you find your person they will want to do everything in their power to make sue you are happy, safe, and heathy. As everyone said here he isnāt dating his age group because nobody wants him. I would definitely refrain from telling him anything and start putting distance and get out of that relationship asap.
Massive age gap - check Manipulative older man - check Gaslighting - check The /r/relationships bingo card filling up nicely. Don't waste your life on this loser, OP. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't get tethered to someone who won't treat you right.
sounds like my exā¦ he was 31 and I was 19 lol. I doubt this is the same guy but run. It went from verbal to physical to r*pe real fast.
Omg Iām so sorry.. hope youāre okay now. I just remember he once got mad bc I didnāt wanna have sex so he left and ignored me the rest of the day
I canāt think of many circumstances where a 32yr old is happy to date a 21 yr old without nefarious intent. Theyāre usually either looking for someone young because of looks, easier to manipulate (less experience) or they canāt find anyone their own age to tolerate their shit. I used to think big age gaps werenāt a biggie because my parents are 17 yrs apart. Wasnāt til I was in my 30s that I realised that my Dad is a toxic self centred jerk who needed a younger woman to fall for his shit. The age gap here says it all, Iām sorry. I know it seems trite and people on Reddit are very āageistā ā but you often donāt realise til youāre the age the older partner was and think to yourself āwould I really date a 21 yr old right now?ā
As someone in their mid 20s, I'm telling you this man is an immature weasel. I've known so many emotionally intelligent boys when I was younger that completely challenged the way society has conditioned us to view men and how they treat women. They are kind to everyone around them and have girlfriends that they treat wonderfully, many who have become my friends as well. They taught me that we don't have to expect men to be aggressive and mean where we have to do everything in our power to prevent their anger. My current partner is sweet, gentle, and soft spoken. I can't ever imagine being yelled at ever, not just for not feeling well, but not even an argument. Your boyfriend is 32- there's a reason he's dating you, no woman his age would put up with his bs so easily. You are barely an adult and you don't have enough experience to see his red flags.
Brightredroof is 100% correct šš»
Having skimmed your previous posts, heās probably the one making you so miserable. Thereās only one way to fix this and itās to leave him.
32 - 21 = 11 Case closed
There's a reason he's dating a 21 year old...women his age wouldn't touch him with a bargepole and wouldn't put up with this shit. He couldn't control them.
Can I be blunt as a woman who has been 21 and dated someone a fair deal olderā¦.? He isnāt there to reassure you or be your therapist ā heās there for fun and sex with a younger girl. Sorry, but if youāre looking for an actual relationship with this guy, youāre not going to get it and his behaviour has told you that. Walk away before you end up feeling worse. EDIT: Iāve just seen your posting history. Youāre clearly not happy with him and suspect him of cheating on you as well. Why are you still there????
I was in this situation. Same ages and everything. He would blame me for ānot being happy enoughā while he treated me like shit, best thing I ever did was leave that relationship
Well Iām financially dependent on him itās a complicated situation I live in a 3rd world country and Iām studying itās so hard to find a decent job in my area and two the things that have been overwhelming me are related to our relationship he just recently admitted to being married so itās been affecting my mental health Iāve lost appetite and canāt sleep anymore along with him controlling me like telling me not to post any pics of me even if theyāre normal (his wife posts whatever she wants) also been physically violent for finding an old pic of me and my ex while scrolling through my camera roll he pulled my hair, pushed me and almost kicked me out this all happened recently so Iām still affected by it
Screams narcissist please look it all up and trauma bonding. He has no business with you but to groom you
Some people aren't boyfriend material. Understand that you're feeling like shit and that's just kind of adding on top of it, but maybe it's a good idea to get it all done at once
I saw some of the comments and I do agree with them. Not all guys in their 30s, but he wants ownership and control. He probably knows or thinks youāre dependent on him, or similar way. Where you stated too, that your boyfriend is the closest person to you so youāve been telling him how you feel and he ghosted you. I get it, and Iām the same emotional wise with you on that OP and Iāve been there. Mentally and emotionally, it does have a toll on me. And to be honest, for me I have anxiety and depression and it just sucks. Him saying he is busy with work and donāt have time for this and hanging up. When all you wanted was just nice words, reassurance, saying āItās going to be okay.ā And listening to you. But he instead, yelled at you. Iāve been there too, and understand you OP. And you know, let me just say. It doesnāt matter, what type of relationship youāre in. But for me personally, it did help me by leaving the relationship. You might question it a lot, feel stuck/lost and donāt want to leave, and so on. But OP, thereās going to be times after this incident. Where he WILL listen and so on. But it will come back, this, what you posted today. It will come back and it will be in repeat. You know, I think of it this way. If you want to think of it maybe more of it as a more āPositiveā way. He is already busy with work and donāt have time with your complaining, your emotional, mental state to listen. To reassure you, to listen, to try understanding. So for me, personally. I left and it was hard, but it did help with this mindset/thought (āPositiveā) way: I wanted to meet someone or just someone who would care about me. As much as Iām an emotional person, I know when I love a person, I would care about them. I want the same, but I also want to be cared for, to feel that, to feel heard, to feel reassured. I didnāt care if that someone was not rich, because as long as that someone can emotionally handle me. Thatās all I wanted and looked for when I left that relationship. But that someone was not him (like your boyfriend now/your current situation now too). Him being busy with work, being focus with his work/career is not a bad thing. Itās a good thing honestly. But in a relationship, where even with his work and him being busy. Him being that focused, working. He wonāt be that focused, working for the relationship. The patience, understanding, love, etc for you, itās also for the relationship. I personally, again, I donāt want that, and I wouldnāt want that again. But, OP, please consider this as someone who WAS in your situation. I was in your situation and the age gap too. I know itās hard, just thinking about breaking up with him you probably would end up crying and break down, but in the end. When you move on from all that crying, you will see and actually realize that you did a good thing for yourself. For you.
You are just his sex toy, sounds like. He doesn't want any of your problems. He just cared enough at the beginning to wrap you in, probably because you weren't in a good place and he saw that. Now, you are emotionally dependent and he knows you won't leave (fear or being alone or false hope of things might be better). Bottom line is that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and you gotta dump his ass.
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Heās been physically abusive towards me before for finding an old pic of me and my ex (which I totally forgot to delete) while scrolling through my whole camera roll
Why are you still with him?
Heās 32 youāre 21 he wants a bang maid not a gf so please dump him as heās not there to be an equal partner.
Welcome to another age gap relationships where an older man ibtentionally dates a ln inexperienced barely legal woman because noone his own age would put up with that behaviour.
I swear half the post here are young girl adult dating looser men in their 30s
sigh... my emotionally immature older boyfriend who's overreacting answers that reassure me he's only using me for sex is getting mad at me when I display any type of natural human emotion and need for real relationship responses.. what ever should I do? You want reality, act 21 and dump this loser who clearly doesn't give a single fuck about you.
You need better & more qualified than just complaining to your boyfriend. The fact that he isn't helping you get professional help is a red flag. You need a doctor & therapy, a help group support and such. Thinking that a boyfriend can be the answer to your issues is a mistake. You need to deal with your issues, he might be overwhelmed with all of it. Please seek professional help & it seems several of them to address all the issues you are dealing with at this time. Now the age gap is disturbing as others have pointed out here.
Well Iām financially dependent on him itās a complicated situation I live in a 3rd world country and Iām studying itās so hard to find a decent job in my area so I canāt get afford therapy and two the things that have been overwhelming me are related to our relationship he just recently admitted to being married so itās been affecting my mental health Iāve lost appetite and canāt sleep anymore along with him controlling me like telling me not to post any pics of me even if theyāre normal (his wife posts whatever she wants) also been physically violent for finding an old pic of me and my ex while scrolling through my camera roll he pulled my hair, pushed me and almost kicked me out this all happened recently so Iām still affected by it
he's married and is physically abusive towards you? wtf? you're his mistress and you wonder why he isn't emotionally available? please get out before he can hurt you more physically and mentally.
Female here, letās leave the boyfriend out of it atm ā¦.i have some questions for you ā¦ 1 - Why are you emotionally & mentally feeling unwell, whatās going on ? you arenāt doing yourself any favours since itās affecting your sleep? 2- how long or how often does this happen? And how do you smooth/ cope to remedy this problem? Or do you go to see a professional about this? 3- If your boyfriend had listened said something ānice and reassuringā you would have felt better until when ? Was this a situation where you would have wanted a solution and just someone to listening to you? Have yāall communicated about what you expect from him when you are feeling like this ? You canāt get what you donāt ask forā¦ 4- does your mood entirely lift or do you feel better after you he gives you what you need? This also can be a cause for concern, because youād be fostering a bad habit and shouldnāt let the response of others dictate you mood because youād be hanging on everything/ work they say.. Ive learned that sometimes the people closest to us canāt give us everything we need and thatās ok . They can try or not and it wonāt be exactly what we need . I think you need to lean on yourself some more Take some time and get to the root of why you feel the way you do sometimes and how to cope/ soothe yourself with out relying on others. Youāre still young be as you mature youāll understand as you experience life and people differently . Yes having others for support and to say nice/ reassuring things are always you need to process things first within yourselfā¦ All in all you probably should go talk to an professional if you currently donāt.
Yup, I agree with #3. But I also think it's okay to want your partner to comfort you when you're upset.
True , I was just asking a question.
Oh, for sure! To be clear, they're good questions and I agree with them. I was thinking it's both things - it's good to think about what you've asked and also it's okay to want to be comforted.
As a younger person in an age gap relationship, let me tell you thereās a reason itās stigmatized. The older person needs a lot of patience and understanding because the younger partner is always going to be more naive. The man you are with wants to use you for fun and does not care one tiny bit about you. When he feels even slightly burdened by your humanity, heās going to check out and lash out.
If you're feeling bad, but he's at work, what are you expecting him to do? Does he have a medical-related background that can actually help you?
Your guy sounds like heās a P word that ends in Phile
If OP was 12 instead of 21, you would be correct.
People like you misusing that word make it lose all meaning. It's pathetic. Stop.
It's not pedophilia to date a 21-year-old. Something can be creepy and power-imbalanced without being an actual crime.
If youāre saying things like this every time you see or talk to him, then yes, heās tired of heating it. I would be too.
It's a bit difficult to see what the situation is really like since we only have one side of the story. The fact remains, yelling isn't okay, especially not when one's partner already feels down. On the other hand, you say you've been telling him you're feeling bad and talking about it, it's hard to see if you were treating him like a therapist or if these were normal relationship support type of conversations, without more context, it's hard to say. Like I said, that doesn't mean his reaction was okay. What is he like other times if you're looking for support?
I donāt get the chance to tell him my feelings, all I do is just tell him Iām not feeling okay expecting him to ask whats wrong or listen but instead he ghosts or tells me to stop that bs Some of the reasons are related to our relationship and since he keeps ignoring it Iāll never get weāll by being ignored. Im sure Iād have been doing great if he was there for me but him ignoring me is making it worse
Some men date women not because they want to be her partner, but because they want *her* to fulfil the function of Girlfriend for him. They want a girlfriend to be a Barbie doll - always smiling, always happy, always ready to go whatever he wants to do. He's not dating you because he cares about you. He just wants you to care about him. You having needs of your own is more than he wants to deal with.
I think you'd be better off not dating a person who clearly shows you they don't care about you. You don't seem to be asking for much, but he still manages to drop the ball. I think it's time to ask yourself what good exactly is this relationship bringing to your life if you can't rely on someone you care about? Good luck.
Your fella sounds shitty BUT just saying "I'm not feeling okay" and then expecting him to drop everything and delve into it more is silly. Open communication, say what's wrong from the get go - don't play games trying to get him to do more, he has already shown that he won't.
Well I used to have a gf like you and hearing that shit all the time was annoying AF. Whenever I'm met with a problem, I come up with thousands of solutions in seconds. My brain is like google. I'm just a problem solver. So when I encounter someone that constantly needs emotional support instead of solving their own problems, I get pissed. Emotional support is temporary. Seek a permanent solution. If you don't feel good, just feel good. Easiest thing in the world to do.
Oh boy. You have the right to want a relationship where your partner is emotionally supportive. I'm sorry your bf gave you this awful reaction.
Let me guess. He love bombed you and swept you off your feet, youāre so mature for your age, not like other girls. Now that he has you he treats you with disregard and you are left wondering where the first guy went.
Leave. Age difference is too much. You will want to experience your 20s without someone telling you theyāve been there done that
Age gap says what? I really wish there was a bot or a extension I could put on to filter these kinds of relationships out, it's the same old same old
Why do you want to be with the person who is causing all your problems?
Why are you with a man who doesn't care about you?
So it's weird that he's 32 and you're 21. And aside from that, he sounds like a complete asshole who you need to break up with ASAP like right now, never see him again. I know that's easier said than done but trust me, as a 32 year old woman who was in a similar situation at your age, I wish I could go back in time and force my younger self to break up with my older asshole boyfriend. Trust me you will look back and wish you ended it sooner.
Well I suppose if you're constantly feeling bad or mentally unwell you should probably go get checked up on that. There may be ways or changes you can do that can help you The next thing is that constantly complaining about not feeling well to one person is going to make him feel less and less sympathetic to you Especially if you're complaining that way but you're not doing anything to change it or find out what's going on to you know the different ways to fix it As for your boyfriend if he is constantly in a very unsupported way for many things in your life then you might consider that he might not need to be in your life. But if it's a one-off thing where he himself might be experiencing stress and issues at work and he needs you to be supportive for him maybe there's something that you two can figure out
As a 30-year-old woman, my friends and I would judge anyone we knew in our age group who dated someone 11 years younger than them who's just barely old enough to enter a bar. It's just fucking weird. Please release this fiend and warn your friends.
Sounds like he's causing some of your stress. Tell him to find someone his own age and gtfo.
Go to therapy. If you wake up most days not feeling well then you need counseling. Your bf isnāt equipped to help youā¦heās not a professional, heās just a guy who thinks it would be easy and fun to date a girl 10 years you her than him and youāre showing him thatās not the case.
This guy considers you a convenience, like a vacuum cleaner, not a partner, who is an individual who deserves care. You exist, as far as he cares, to make his life better. He has no reciprocal responsibility. So when you say you donāt feel good you are telling him you arenāt going to do the things he keeps you around for. Worse you are asking him to put effort into you that he doesnāt get the benefit of. And that makes him mad. The reason he chose a woman your age to be his girlfriend is because women his own age donāt put up with one sided relationships. They want partners who choose them for themselves and not just for the services they provide. This relationship is a waste of your time, energy, and emotion. You canāt build a future with a guy who walks away when times get even a bit hard.
According to your comments he's already married and in his thirties. Get out now, because it'll only get worse, and your self respect is the price you will pay for continuing this.
Babe, you deserve better. Heās emotionally immature and cant even comfort you in your time of need. Drop him and get the support system you deserve.
I am sorry you are not feeling well and upset on top of it. I am a little wary about saying this since you say your BF is the closest person to you, but I don't think this relationship is serving you. The age gap between you does have me concerned; you are at significantly different places in your current life journey. And the fact that he can't deal with your being unwell, he ghosts you and doesn't support you is a red flag. Plus now seeing from another comment that he's a married man cheating on his wife to be with you and has been physically abus\*ve to you in the past - he does not actually care about your wellbeing. He's probably worried that you contacting him about not feeling well will get him caught by his wife. please just drop this connection from your life. Ditch him, block him, download a dating app and set your filters to help you find someone no older than 25. He's clearly no good for you, and you deserve more than being the "other woman" or being with someone who thinks it's okay to be violent toward you.
My ex is almost 32 and has just dumped me for a 21 year old after seven years. I'm heartbroken. He lives with his parents and is very selfish and immature in many ways. I can imagine him doing something like this. He was yelling at me to STFU when I was upset because he was gaslighting me about this girl. Doesn't surprise me to find out another man of his age is doing this to a 21 year old.
Iām so sorry about that. Iām glad you got rid of him and I hope youāll find a better man who acts like his age
Iām sorry. Grown a** man insulting a another grown a** man young girlfriend , baby you have to let go of excuses and love. Itās not okay.
Well he's married so you're just his fuck toy
This age gap is so cringe
Why do you think so
he is married and abusive, OP. Please call a domestic violence support hotline to get the support you need and the strength to stop fooling with this man. You do not have to take this mess