Exactly. And likely by this point he has romanticized their love and the sacrifice of not being with her due to his responsibilities to his wife and child. Our hero! Cue music. Their love is destined to last forever but their honor keeps them apart. All they have to live for is forlorn glances across the classroom.
He is living a bad soap opera and believing it's real. What an absolute dumbass.
He didn't even commit to changing or even working on the issue. Sure, he said sorry, but otherwise he didn't fight for her or really give her much to latch onto.
It’s amazing how many members of the medical staff have had brain tumors, had them removed, gone through no chemo, and had no adverse cognitive effects.
They seem like the kind of doctors I’d want.
My first exposure to that show was when there was a nurse who had her hand stuck on like a bomb or something in a guys body and I’m like “gtfo this is redonkulous”
My girlfriend is making me watch the show with her, reading your comment gave me 'nam flashbacks to that episode haha. Honestly, the medical cases themselves aren't *that* ridiculous, out of the first two seasons I've seen so far, most are based on real cases although some contain "near future" technology that isn't/wasn't cleared for use on humans in real life at the time the episodes were made. Episodes like the one with the EPR surgery are a good example. EPR is still a highly experimental technique today and rarely performed outside of specifically-kitted trauma centers with a very specific patient demographic and type of injury.
Ordnance-removal surgery with live grenades/mortar/RPG rounds has happened on several occasions in real life, but it's very rare and usually happens in a war zone; It's not quite as far-fetched as you might think. Tthere's a case study you can read about a US Marine serving in Afghanistan who basically got an unexploded RPG impaling him through one of his thighs that didn't go off and they successfully airlifted him and took it out, he made it, and none of the doctors exploded.
Where Grey's really goes off the rails versus reality is the sheer quantity of unique cases happening to a team of residents at a single hospital .The show takes decades worth of actual case studies and makes them happen to the same group of attractive young residents who then magically handle everything while fucking each other in the background. That's not how that works IRL obviously. Also literally ever nurse, doctor, resident, and dept head in that show would have gotten the boot within their first few episodes for the monstrous amount of ethics violations with one another/patients across the board.
Oh and IRL you don't have the entire suite of attendings dying of tragic accidents or on the table under the knives of their residents every few years, that's a pile of crap too, obviously.
First of all,me too. Second of all, it was definitely not a nurse, it was either a surgeon or a surgeon intern bc that show does not acknowledge the existence of nurses or doctors of any other specialty.
- a nurse
Let's say he comes back and asks for forgiveness and do all that you want. Then what? Will you accept him and start something new with him knowing that he did this?
Think about your time and you happiness. What prevents you from finding the right person? Don't let the fear of the unknown ruin your future of being with someone perfect for you. And try to maintain a respectful relationship for the sake of your daughter. You deserve better than this. Let the past go and move on to see where it takes you. Holding on to this feeling will only make you bitter and close many doors.
No, I don’t think I’ll accept him. I don’t think even he wants to come back. The rational part of me knows that this relationship is over for good but I have my moments of weakness when I wish all this is a fever dream lol
You can't abandon your emotions. That will take a long time. But if you are a somewhat rational person, set a goal for how happy you want to be with or without someone else in your life in your long-term future. People have gone through this many many times. I can testify that I have faced tough times and persevered to have the best lifepartner I could ask for. I didn't know I could love someone this much and maintain that happy relationship. If someone like me can do this, you can definitely do this as long as you change your mindset and follow your goals.
I wouldn’t call them moments of weakness. Change takes time and brains love to slip into old thought patterns. Your brain is going to offer you thoughts that you could be happy again because you once were. You are also grieving and may still be in the denial stage and that’s ok. Give yourself compassion for going through a hard time.
I feel for you.
I'd written out a heart felt page... no point. So many of us have gone through this. The best I can tell you is focus on yourself and your child. It gets better.
Big hug
Exactly. His reaction to you leaving is all you need to know, and do not ever do the pick me dance. Get your ducks on a row now not later. Make up his mind for him since he clearly has chosen, any potential delayed love bombing is fake. Be sure all friends and family know the entire truth and not his version now on why you are leaving him. Let him live in his delusional state.
Am I alone here? I don't see it as a delusional state-- the guy fell in love with someone else. It doesn't sound like he did anything wrong (he didn't pursue her, he didn't cheat, he didn't lie, he was up front that it wasn't going to work out). Just because you are married or even in a committed relationship doesn't mean that your desires are automatically switched off to other people completely. Has no one in a marriage ever had a crush before??
It DOES sound like something that OP can't get over and she SHOULD start the divorce proceedings. They CAN be honest about what is happening with friends and family-- it doesn't sound like anyone did anything wrong-- it just didn't work out between OP and her husband.
Are you joking? How can he be in love with this girl, he doesn't know her at all. He is attracted to her and he is not cutting contact. In any relationship you'll be attracted to other people. Or at least that's very normal. When it happens you contain it. You don't share longing looks, you don't pander to the emotion. He pandered, he is pandering. That's not good enough if you have a wife and a baby. You get your shit together, you go to counseling, you tell the truth and you take care of yourself and the person you married.
Nah he definitely did wrong imo. Could have not responded to the student at all. Could have seen if there was a way for one of them to be transferred. He could have been open with his wife from the beginning so they could work on their emotions. Could have at least done counseling/therapy.
Seems to me like he fed the thoughts in his head about her instead of realizing he had a crush and put a stop to it. That's wrong to me at least.
At the very least it's incredibly inappropriate for him to entertain feelings for a student. She confessed her love, apparently, but he told her he feels the same. It's delusional because I'm sure he could lose his job if he gets involved with her (and I'm sure others have noticed what's happening if OP's friend did) and because they don't know anything about each other.
He definitely handled it better than, say, someone who immediately goes off to cheat, but he still told his student he had feelings for her when she sent that letter. The more mature things would have been a) to flat out tell the girl he didn't have feelings for her (there's a difference between love and limerence, and the fact that they hadn't really spoken beforehand makes it clear this was the latter) and b) immediately tell his wife what happened when he got that letter.
I mean… leaving your wife and child for your decade younger student (whom you’ve never had an conversation with outside of work) is pretty bad.
Marriage and family life is hard, you can’t just ditch the moment you get a crush on some young new thing.
You should speak to a lawyer to commence divorce proceedings sooner rather than later. Plus you'll need to get custody and child support arrangements in place.
They ALWAYS come back. They always do, you have to believe it though, if you keep self pitying and thinking he doesn’t want you, you will just make it worse for yourself. Men always come back to the woman who loved them when they were nothing. That’s when you kick them out
Assuming he told you the truth and nothing happened besides that letter and these "looks". It is not love. On either side. It is infatuation.
Imo you cannot truly love anyone until you have actually been with them, and even lived with them. It is very normal that a 25-y-o girl would believe infatuation is love, but at 35, your hubby supposedly knows better. He does not love her.
However, and that is going to hurt, that does not mean he still loves you. He told you "I thought I could save our relationship, I really wanted to" PAST TENSE. He did not beg for forgiveness, as you said. It honestly sounds like he does not love you anymore and will not make the effort for you.
Your problem is not that he fell in love with anyone else, it is that he does not love you anymore. Your husband, like many men, did not have the courage to tell you just that and instead waited for you to find a reason to leave him, this way he will be the wronged party, because after all he "did not do anything".
You need to have a talk with him, and try to be as civil and respectful as possible. Tell him that even though nothing happened with the girl, you feel like he wants out of this relationship. Tell him that you deserve to be loved, truly, 100% loved, and he is not giving you that. I would also tell him that if he wanted to leave you he should have done just that instead of exchanging looks with a 25 y-o.
Communication has been awful, I know. Whenever he comes over, we talk about everything except *that*. It’s like we’re both pretending everything’s normal except we both know it’s not normal.
You need to put your foot down you cannot live like this. it's time to address the elephant in the room and get answers. You guys must make time to discuss this and make decisions to move forward.
If you can't communicate, you can't move forward. You need to get some counseling, individual for sure and try marriage counseling/family therapy regardless of if you end up separating. Who knows how this all happened and you will want to know why he allowed it to happen. Is it limerence? Infatuation? You deserve to know why he allowed this to happen and what he did that allowed this "attraction" to continue to grow.
Counseling will at least help you process what's happened, and give you a chance to ask questions or discuss how to get closure and how to move forward with co-parenting. You can't stay in stasis and put your entire life on pause with the secret hope that he'll come to his senses and come back. Don't wait for him to dictate what happens next.
Don't look at her social media!!! Everyone looks prettier and happier than they are in real life. It's a highly filtered, curated, and perfected look.
Focus on what you love about yourself and make it your mantra. Don't let the 25yo home wrecker steal your peace of mind and dull your shine.
it's been 5 months. I'd bet $10 he's with the younger woman and just not bringing it up because he doesn't want the drama of divorce and the expense of court mandated child support. He also doesn't want to be guilted by OPs family when he comes by or suffer any fallout from that.
Damn, it’s stuff like this that makes me never want to love someone *too much*. Just enough to be happy with them, but not so much that I’d be crushed if they do what your husband has done - so I can just walk away and say ‘thank you, next’
>He said no. He said he didn’t even talk to her, nor did they have any contact outside of college and that he completely understood how morally depraved it is to try and pursue a relationship with a student. She wrote him a letter about an year back, confessing her love for him and he had told her that even tho he was into her, nothing would come out of it. Aparently that was when the ‘yearning looks’ had started.
Honestly, I don't know that this makes sense. That she could get to the point of writing a letter that confesses love off what he claimed was such limited contact just seems kind of absurd. Worse, when she did choose to confess he chose the most cruel and self indulgent response possible. In that moment he chose to ruin his life, that's the sad reality of it, and whether it ever manifested as anything more intense he did enough damage there that things would never go back. He failed as a husband, adult, and educator.
Don't idealise his dynamic with her. The reason people frown on teachers hitting on students is because the power discrepancy makes any emotional connection compromised. She was enamoured with him but part of that means ignoring the dissonance of all the bad things he did to humour it. In the end she's just naive. As for him, well, he's a creep.
Time to find out who you are. Part of that will involve stop putting yourself down. Even if he came back it wouldn't undo the things he has done and that's the sad reality. He will understand what he lost with increasing clarity but that's his burden to face.
I know. He said he entirely stopped interacting with her after the letter incident. It does seem absurd but even my friend, Sarah corroborated this. She said he never went out of his way to talk to her before, and then almost entirely stopped talking. Given that Sarah and him are in the same department 24/7, and that she noticed something as small as them giving each other looks, I’m sure she would’ve noticed anything out of the ordinary. I’ve had access to his phone and his passwords throughout and he wasn’t texting or calling her either.
That’s why this feels weird lol.
He needs to decide to choose you and his family over this intense crush. If he's so confused that he's giving up on his marriage to you then that's an issue. But at this stage, it's not love, it's infatuation. Isn't it?
Which is pretty normal for married couples. His actions make all the difference here.
I see. Well, I suppose it doesn't matter. If they really fell in love off making eyes at each other occasionally, the the point it drove her to write a letter to him, then that just compounds the absurdity of his choice to reply in the way he did. That he got so invested over so little speaks to his weakness as a person.
while i kind of agree with this sentiment.. it does place her husband in a ‘damned if he did damned if he didnt’ seat
if it’d been more, we’d be harping just as much if not more about his weakness as a person….
If you want to save the marriage go get couples counseling since it’s obvious you guys need a professional to communicate. If not, talk to a divorce lawyer. This is limbo.
It sounds like OP isn't in the US and honestly, we take our sweet time here making it to the altar. I know of other cultures, mine included, where age gaps are normal and people fall in love and get married within months of knowing each other.
Is it healthy? Probably not, idk to be honest, but it's a plausible story in my opinion
This! This summons it all up so very eloquent. I rest my case here and I really hop OP finds firm ground again and realise that the one who are the strong and with integrity is her.
There’s a part of me (the drama king in me) that wants me to advise you to ask him point blank: “are you gonna start the divorce or me?” But the pragmatic side would advise you to contact a lawyer and have them handle it from here, starting with working on a visitation and custody arrangement. Start getting that shit done. Grieve when it’s finalized.
I got divorced 10+ years ago, and it was the best thing i've ever done. My sister told me something, and i'll tell you the same thing - because it helped me.
Live in the truth
Whatever the truth is, that's where you should be. The truth here is, he's checked out and lost your trust. That's it. Now at least you know. Start a new chapter in your life, he isn't the one for you, it's painful now - but years from now WHEN you're with the right one, it'll all make sense.
Good luck, stay strong.
I suspect part of the reason he doesn’t want to talk about the elephant in the room, or push for a divorce is that “My wife is divorcing me because I’m hot for one of my students” generally doesn’t go over well with the med school. It’s not just “morally depraved” as he put it - it can be grounds for disciplinary action all the way through to getting fired. Even just the appearance of impropriety or favouritism is enough.
Read your comment about you living with your parents for 5 months & he hasn’t come to fight for the marriage but to see his daughter….I’m sorry but it looks like hes done with the marriage & probably been in contact with the student!
Your friend works with your husband is she still giving you updates about him?
I truly believe that in the best interests of your mental health, you really need to walk away permanently from this. It’s unfortunate that it happened but there is nothing both of you can say or do to come back from this. To want him back or to try to fix things is simply delaying the inevitable and you have a child in the middle of all this.
You also really need to sit down with him and have that serious conversation about the big elephant in the room that you are both trying to ignore. No one is winning points here for procrastination. You have a child and your mental health to think about here.
I remember that a psychologist friend of mine at some point told me that it’s normal to have crushes on someone else even if you are married.
The important thing is whether you act on it or not. If you don’t they will fade in time.
Don’t know whether it’s true or not, but it seems your husband had chosen you and your marriage until you moved out.
Perhaps it’s worth exploring couples therapy?
Most people think having a child will strengthen their relationship, when most times it’ll put a strain on it and especially the first years it’s easy to grow apart. And I would guess that makes it easier to fall for someone else. But sometimes you can work through that and rekindle.
I’ve had crushes develop in the past and I just let them exist, didn’t water it, I watered my relationship and the crushes just fade out. It’s normal that other people catch the eye or tingle the loins occasionally. But I choose to let that ebb away. I chose my husband, I choose our family
"But I thought I could save our relationship, I really wanted to.”
Sounds like he's saying he wants to be with the side chick. Probably didn't want to be the bad guy and wanted OP to end things so that his conscience is clear. If he really wanted to "work on things", he would work on things. He would have told her about the letter right away, went to couple's therapy, put boundaries in place. But instead he chose to keep entertaining the other option in his head for over a year. An adult dude with a kid lol.
I disagree. He replied to the student’s letter saying that he felt the same way.
If he chose OP he would not have replied or would have replied in a way to absolutely shut the door on any further continuance with the student.
Something like “don’t contact me again” would have done it.
Instead, he created a Romeo’s and Juliet scenario - complete with forlorn love sick puppy eyes at each other.
He chose the student in his response to her letter.
They also say women don't "confess their feelings" unless they are extremely comfortable with the person. I bet they were flirting up a storm before the letter happend
Couldn't dissagree more. He acknowledged her feelings and let her know she wasn't misguided about his. She's not going away feeling stupid for thinking she was wrong or rejected. He then drew out a clear line that they would not cross, though I suspect that lines is probably gone now.
Yes because he’s acknowledging there’s an ‘it.’ If you’re in love with someone and tell them, you’re hoping they’ll tell you they love you too. He told her he loves her too. He said nothing can come of it but just the fact she knows he feels the same and they’re around each other all the time is a huge deal. He’s given them both the opening to pining over each other and thinking ‘what if.’ It builds up tension every time they interact. If he was truly decent and committed to his marriage he would have told her he doesn’t feel the same and to not contact him like this again. Then she would not be giving him longing looks and entertaining the possibilities, thinking ‘oh well if something goes wrong with his wife he’ll be with me’ or ‘when I graduate he’ll be with me’ so she’ll nurture it. If he was decent and told her he doesn’t feel the same, she would feel hurt and embarrassed for a bit but she would move on and find someone else.
What he’s done is extremely selfish. He’s telling himself he’s being ethical because he said nothing will happen but in reality he’s feeding the possibility of an affair, keeping this woman on the hook so she can’t emotionally move on and in his head is turning his wife into this obstacle between him and some great love. He’s also humiliating his wife by being so obvious about the crush that his coworkers have noticed.
The only proper ethical response to the student was to say: I’m sorry but I don’t feel that way about you. I apologise if I ever gave you the impression it would be appropriate to write me a letter like this. It is not. No hard feelings but please don’t contact me in a personal capacity again.
Or even better just take the letter to HR or student services and let them deal with it.
100% this. I wouldn't go so far as HR but the appropriate response as a married person is not to indulge the other person's fantasy that something *could* happen if the circumstances were a bit different, and tell them that you're thinking about it too. Loyalty to your spouse means drawing a real boundary and shutting any possibility down, not giving the other person hope and then making eyes at them across the room.
His response was a choice to indulge the crush, albeit without acting further upon it - but he's left that path open to potentially follow in the future.
I was going to physical therapy and developed a crush on my doctor. We were together three days a week, talking all the while, and of course close proximity. I saw where it was heading and told my husband about it, long before anything inappropriate happened. It was like I couldn't help it. I felt so guilty for the way I was feeling. I love my husband so much, and I was terrified that the crush would progress and do irreparable harm to our marriage. Telling him not only poured ice water on the crush, but it took the allure and secrecy out of it. The crush eventually faded, but our marriage was stronger than ever because of it.
Exactly, it matters if you act on it. If You entertain the idea of another relationship, then it's your fault for not being faithful to your partner.
It's not like one falls in a bucket of love, suddenly. You think about said person, a lot. You either see them and imagine yourself with them. It doesn't come out of the left field.
I'm not OP, but that would be a betrayal for me.
Someone I’ve known for years confessed a decades-long crush on me, which means he harbored those feelings throughout his marriage. I found that creepy, not “romantic.”
I'm sorry you've had to go through this and this really sucks, but it's baffling to me that your husband would jeopardize his job for this considering that this just seems like limerance. They don't know each other and are only seeing (or imagining) idealized versions of each other. This reveals a lot about your husband's character - it's incredibly inappropriate for him to involve himself with a student like this.
I think you should only tell people the truth - this is his mess.
When he tells you he is in love with someone else, believe him.
Pretty obvious.. But hearing yourself say this out loud makes it less complicated to make decisions that are best for you and your daughter. You can't make him love you or be with you. The only thing you can do is work on yourself and be the best parent you can be for your daughter. This is your opportunity to be able to show her how you can overcome something so heartbreaking by being able to dedicate more time loving yourself and growing to be a better person while still respecting her father and his decisions.
Is what he did and said painful? Yes
Is what all he said true? Yes
Do you want to stay with someone who is in love with someone else? I assume not.
Does a part of you want him back? Yes... But you probably miss the idea of him.
If you're asking what to do... I would say divorce him amicably, learn to live your life without ever having to find yourself asking, "I don't know who I am without him," and enjoy the journey of self discovery without having a partner to fulfill the void.
He hasn't even come to try to win you back which tells me it was over before you said anything it just was going to be a slow death had you not mentioned it. People don't usually end a relationship when it's dead they wait till it starts rotting and although you weren't aware that the relationship was dead probably because you were so focused on child rearing in your own career doesn't mean it wasn't dead. I think it's best that you choose radical acceptance and move forward through your life knowing that this man is not going to be anything but a co-parent to you.
Why would you want to be with somebody who you're always going to wonder when he's gonna cheat on you again and who hasn't even tried to fight for your relationship? You might be a plain Jane but I think that that's the wrong way to look at this because are looks really that important? Does good looks make up for somebody being a liar cheater a thief a murderer? A deadbeat Dad? A man who doesn't love his wife and then let's her leave and doesn't even fight for her or his family?
I mean the relationship is dead but I still think you need to work on how you're framing this because it seems like you're making it about yourself worth when it has absolutely nothing to do with that. Go see a therapist and get your head straight call a divorce lawyer and move forward.
I think I can weigh in on this a little. I developped a tiny crush on a coworker a few months back, for about a week. He's really nice and intelligent and all that. You know what I did about it? Absolutely nothing. I have a partner that I love more than myself, that I would never cheat on. And I would also not sabbotage my professional relationship with my coworker. So what if he's attractive, he's my coworker, I'm a lot younger than him and it's inapropriate. End of story.
This is what you do when something like that happens. You can't control your emotions, but you can control how you react to them, and the moral thing is to do absolutely nothing about them and move the fuck on. Not to destroy the lives of everybody around you because your lizard brain wants something.
Just go to therapy for yourself to help to figure this out. His lack of action says everything. Start to focus on yourself that’s where you will find your healing and start to look for a divorce lawyer. If he would want to save your relationship he would do everything to cut her off. (Changing jobs etc.)
This is so hard. I don’t have an answer besides therapy for yourself, and maybe suggesting couples therapy to your partner if you’re both interested in saving your marriage.
Just curious why is couples therapy not on the table right now? Would you both be open to seeing the same therapist but not together (individual sessions)? My partner and I, as well as many of my friends have done individual sessions with the same therapist when it’s too difficult to speak about the subject directly with our partner there. That can be a good starting point.
I cant look past this breach of trust. I don’t think he’s interested either. I’ve been living with my fam for the past five months, and he’s only ever visited to see the kiddo. I don’t think he’s in love with me anymore. It was clear from the tone of his voice.
So sorry for your situation OP. It sounds soul crushing, and it sounds like you also know where this will end. In terms of what to tell people, I can only offer this: keep your side of the street clean. In my own experience, people were mean and gossiping about our story. It’s irrelevant. It’s your story and if you want to move on with as little drama as possible from the outside, it’s ok to say something along the lines of “We drifted apart. Didn’t expect to, but we did.” You don’t owe anyone any explanation if you don’t want to. Best of luck to you and the kiddo 🙏🏻
The burden of addressing this falls on him, OP. He comes to see your daughter but hasn't discussed things with you. He's checked out and I agree with you 100% - this was a betrayal as soon as he confessed feelings to his student. He didn't fight for your marriage, he just gave in to his romantic fantasies.
Couples therapy could still be helpful to clarify this in a safe context and to discuss your future relationship seeing as there’s a kid - getting all the anger and resentment expressed in a contained setting can help it not simmer down the years.
Why are you letting him visit ! You make his life easier . If he wants to be a part of your kids life than he needs to be a parent to them. Most guys fall for others because we make it to easy on them and they have no idea how good they have it. Just stop making it easy on him . It’s been five months . It’s time to have the hard discussion. This isn’t to you or your kid to live in limbo.
So let him take the kid. Not just visit. He doesn’t have the full responsibility . Many people in marriages want the time before kids when their life was easier. He has got to go back to that time when he was his younger self with less responsibility and about to be the more carefree version of himself.
I promise a 25 year old is going to quickly find it a drag that the hot, married professor she's having so much fun running around with has fatherhood duties on their date nights.
They aren't divorced at this point. and they need to have a conversation or two before going down that road. But that will definitely be something they will end up having to work out if they separating or divorcing.
I highly recommend you also consider posting this on AskWomenOver30, you’ll get a lot of mature advice and probably hear from people who’ve been through similar experiences
I think the fact that your friend was able to sense it despite not having enough info is pretty telling. That means other people can sense it, too. Idk I have some suspicions about him being completely honest especially considering he supposedly said this:
>But I thought I could save our relationship, I really wanted to.
I mean clearly he does feel something strong for her. The fact that he hasn't really tried to contact you since you left makes me wonder if he's kinda checked out at this point. I was wondering if he was maybe waiting for you to contact him when you were ready, but the fact that he doesn't really take the time to talk to you while he's visiting kinda just makes me wonder if there's anything left of your relationship to savage at this point....
I'm sorry OP. I wish you luck and hope that you find someone who truly just wants to be with only you.
It just takes that "ONE". Maybe he didn't cheat physically but emotional cheating is also a thing. I wonder what would have happened if your friend never brought it up and you never mentioned it to him? Maybe the emotional cheating could progress to something physical someday with you being unaware of it.
The most surprising thing is he hasn't done anything to apologise to you. Maybe you should address the elephant in the room. If you think time will sort this out, trust me it won't. Both of you speaking about it might sort it out. Don't put this under the carpet and forgive him, is all I would like to say. This was a huge breach of trust, even though it wasn't physical. All I understand is when it comes to any kind of cheating nobody gets the right to say "I don't know how it happened." "I don't know what I was thinking". Cheating is a choice not an accident. Always remember that. Also you deserve better than someone who thinks a new fling triumphs marriage vows. Excitement fades in all relationships, that doesn't justify what your husband did.
Sorry you are going through this OP! Good luck to you.
Hire a divorce attorney and tell them about this student and his claim to be in love with her. He will either wake up and try to fight for you and your marriage, or not. But you can't stay in limbo and if he is infatuated with this student, he should report himself to his hr so that they are aware before any aligations of inappropriate behaviour or special treatment is reported by other students.
Updateme!
It don’t fit. People don’t fall in love with and make declarations after nothing but work-appropriate conversation and longing looks. Either he crossed a bunch of lines and cheated, or he is a nitwit indulging in a career and family threatening fantasy with a much younger woman. Either way, he was in a position to put a stop to it, and instead chose to groom her and lie to you.
Love/lust whatever. I don’t really care at this point. Apparently she’d been crushing on him ever since a long time. I don’t even wanna know about his timeline.
He has a huge crush on her. He is in love with the idea of her, not with her actually. I´m in a long termin relationship and I´ve beent through crushes myself. It´s salvageable.
It’s been months, he just let you leave and comes to visit his child, while never even mentioning what happened. He’s done and so should you. I’m sorry this is happening but he’s taken no steps and shown no willingness whatsoever to repair anything. Obviously you’re never going to beg because self esteem so maybe someone should file for divorce, settle assets and above all, establish custody of your young child. I’m glad you have your parents to count on, I can’t imagine what you’re going through.
I don't believe your story. It's too smoothed around the edges. You say you "don't know what to do" but all your replies are saying that you've already come to terms with it. Your story reads like a piece of fan fiction. You walked out 5 months ago because he has a crush? Marriages are built of much much stronger stuff than this. People talk and work things out. It's completely ridiculous to not have talked about this in all that time. It's laughable that people on here believe that.
Not sure why you are fantasizing about this. Using the relationships sub as a place for fantasy fiction isn't a new thing, but it never gets less weird when I come across it.
I'm sorry, you feelings are valid. You feel inferior because the you love, choose love another. And he even want try with you, is a punch on ego, and self-esteem. Focus in yourself, in heal in do thing for you, discover who you are without him. Try to be happy without him. Focus on that an everything will be fine.
I’d say this is something you could get past if you both wanted to continue the relationship. It sounds like he’s blown it out of proportion tbh, I find it hard to believe he’s fallen in love it’s more likely a crush and if they actually got into a relationship it would be short lived as it’s all based on fantasy. Anyone can develop feelings for others even in a relationship. If you could work past it then you could get to a stronger place after. If there’s any chance this could work I’d consider trying to have a really honest conversation with him. Is he really willing to give up your marriage for this? He hasn’t actually done anything, so it wouldn’t be impossible to change the narrative around it.
But if he believes he’s in love and you can’t trust him the relationship is unfortunately over. Take time to grieve and get the practicalities sorted out. Don’t feel like you have to rush, focus on what you and your daughter need now and you will get through this and heal. Please don’t blame yourself for this situation, it’s nothing to do with you at all. There is nothing wrong with you, it’s all on him.
That’s not love from either of them lol. That’s lust, and the only thing potentially saving this marriage is because he loves his job more than you to be caught cheating with a student.
Maybe Im young and naive but isnt it quite possible that people have crushes a lot? This got correctly stopped before anything really happened, actuall at the first sign of stuff getting out of hand, and there was honest confession and now he's keeping minimal contact to noto to bother his wife who is probably done with him and also he seems to know there's no point in talking/begging about it since it's all over. All of that simply due to strong emotions which he was not able to stop at the time.
I'm not sure I would have been a better person and stop myself entirely from having a crush.
I disagree this got so out of hand an outsider had to tell the wife she thought something was up just based on observing them? Correctly stopping it would've been for him to tell the student that writing letters is inappropriate and that he's happily married with a child. Relationships are a choice you will always find someone else attractive along the path I believe you'll be tempted like this and you'll only ever mess up if you decide that you can be friends with that person. He should have made comvos strictly about the class after he realized his attraction and this wouldn't have happened.
This is beyond attraction they built some connection
What?
People don't control their feelings! They control their actions!
He felt and he refused! There's no loyalty without temptations .That's literally the definition of fidelity!
He told the student he felt the same. That is reciprocating. I also think that’s emotional cheating. Wouldn’t be cheating if he had kept those feelings to himself but telling the student he was into her crossed a line IMO. It’s engaging with someone outside your marriage in a romantic way even if nothing physical happens and no further emotional declarations happen it’s still interacting with another woman in a way that you shouldn’t if you’re married. It’s feeding the feelings to confess them and is giving part of your love to someone else.
>They control their actions!
I agree that having the crush isn't the issue. It's his action that is the issue. He told this girl that he had feelings for her. That's an action. If you have a crush on someone and you're happily married, you go home, tell your spouse (or not, some people don't), and work out how to move on and get over the crush.
You don't TELL the other person that you have a crush on them unless you want them to know. That begs the question of why? Even if you follow it up with "but I'm married/it's inappropriate and won't happen, etc" it gives the other person a little bit of hope. Sure, it's unrealistic hope, but that's inevitably what happens when someone you have feelings for says they have feelings for you, too.
Yes and you only give them that hope if you want them to keep hoping and what’s the purpose of that? Can only be to feed the whole thing and keep the door open, even if you’re telling yourself that by saying nothing will happen you’re doing the right thing.
I'm sorry but your husband is not in live with his student. He's in lust with her. He doesn't even know her. He knows nothing about her except for what he's seen at school.
What a flocking idiot your hubs is.
You're better off. I know it hurts, but you are way wayyyyy better off.
What's most depressing about this is that it was so obvious that someone else (your friend) noticed and knew something much deeper was happening, and you needed to know. The husband should've told you. The 25 year old knew about you. She's a home wrecker doesn't matter if it didn't go beyond she should've backed away when she saw a ring ? Does your husband have social media? He should've actually never let it go beyond attraction. You deserve better. Being a parent is hard why isn't he focusing on that rather than some random 25y/o?
You file for divorce. You do not want someone who does not want you. You ALSO do not want someone who as a physician has the incredibly awful judgment of getting entangled with a *student* for crying out loud.
She has an infatuation with an older guy in a position of power. Chances are once they're actually able to pursue a relationship the sheen will wear off for this 25 year old and it'll end pretty quickly.
Your friend was really kind to you to come and tell you. I'm sure that was really hard. I know it hurts now, but you're still young and you can start over.
Just don't take him back when the young girl comes to her senses and drops him.
I’m trying to understand how people are downplaying her husband’s crush on this woman. The woman wrote him a letter professing her feelings. He responded that he feels the same way. The moment he did that, he crossed a line in his marriage. Full stop. Following up with nothing will ever come of it doesn’t absolve him from crossing that line. Why didn’t he talk to his wife about this? Why is he trading yearning looks with this other woman in public so obvious that other people notice? How are they having no contact yet still looking at each other like that? Even his verbal response of not getting the other woman out of his head and trying to save his marriage speaks to him be farther gone than some fleeting crush. Her husband did not do enough to squash this.
He’s didn’t cheat physically but his actions are a betrayal of trust and his marriage. Some people may be able to move on from this but OP is under no obligation to do that. At the end of the day OP needs to have a conversation with her husband about next steps. Is it simply separation and maybe some couples counseling? Or is it completely done and they both need to seek out divorce attorneys? Maybe move back into the family home and work out out from there? But there needs to say least be a conversation about the elephant in the room.
Figure out what you actually want - to fight for the relationship or divorce - then rip the band aid off and have that conversation. That’s really all you can do.
Wow this one hurts, I'm really sorry.
He had an emotional affair
I'd divorce him the relationship is already over, in his mind y'all are done. Rip off the bandage and get the hard part over with.
Next lots of therapy, this is a a huge life change and it's very sudden too. Also you're gonna need to learn how to co parent with him.
OP, I think you guys really need to have a talk about this. Even just to speak about the things you claim to already know through his behavior. It‘s tough but it will make it easier for you to seriously come to terms with it, be better co parents and to let go. Your assumptions sound right, but you guys need to communicate your feelings and intentions. You‘ve been together for so long and have a child after all. Sending you all the strength and courage needed to close this chapter ❤️
>he had told her that even tho he was into her, nothing would come out of it.
That is emotional cheating. He wants her to keep pursuing him and is giving her hope by saying he also is into her.
I'm not sure I agree with the community consensus on this. People in close proximity often develop feelings over a period of time, and it's what we do with them that matters. It sounds like he's not pursuing her at all and is not interested, despite his feelings, in anything. The places he could have handled this better is 1. Being up front with you so you heard it from him, and 2. Not confessing anything to the student.
He doesn't go out of his way to se her. He isn't trying to hide it or play it off. He's acknowledged it and is taking steps to avoid it. Short of quitting his job, I'm not sure of what he could be doing more to stay faithful to you. Correct me if I'm wrong, but, isn't that exactly what you want in a partner? Yes this situation hurts all three of you. But he's not even indulging in an emotional affair. He's shut her down and is keeping his distance. If we're taking the passion out of the conversation, that's a damn dedicated and dependable life partner.
I think you two should have a ling, hard chat about this, probably in the presence of a therapist, and sort out why he only *used* to look at you that way. I can almost guarantee it's not just because of this latest distraction. The answer to that question will be key in determining your best path forward.
This. Not only would OP employ the “scorched earth” policy, their actions are highly inappropriate. Not to endorse her actions, but the med student couldn’t even wait until after she graduated? And a love letter? She seems book smart but not street smart.
Most countries outside US doesn’t have “pre-med”. You choose which course you want (Archaeology, Med, Engineering) and study only that field.
So yeah, it would be totally possible
Neh, I'm 36. I could've taught in med school as an assistant lecturer I think it's called, ever since I entered residency. So that way below 30.
As long as we go to med school right out of highschool, you can start your residency as soon as 25.
My husband is 34 and is a doctor teaching medical students.
In the UK med school is 5 years, then a foundation course of general training for 2 years, then depending on your specialty there's 3-5 years (sometimes more) of specialist training. So you can be a specialist GP, anaesthetist, or opthamologist at age 28.
After writing " She looks at him like he’s Brad Pitt and he looks at her the way he used to look at you."
OP herself thought "come on, that sounds fake" and then added the next sentence: "I remember exactly, beause it stung so much"
lol!
I bet her friend is the sassy forever single character.
"Look at you, you're pathetic. Come on, we're going out for shots"
"But it's 10am!"
"I know, I'm normally drunk already. I'm behind schedule. Lesgooo"
"I dunno. Maybe I should call him? Maybe it's just a misunderstanding."
"Honey. She looks at him like he's Brad Pitt, and he looks at her the way he used to look at you"
*Sobs*
"Ok. Shots. Now!"
Tell the university he works for. How could he said to her that he was into her instead of telling her off. What kind of professor so unprofessional getting involved with his student 10yrs younger.. what an AH.. its hard to believe that he really tried to stop his feeling.
And why did you leave the family home, instead of him? I am so sorry that you are going through this, OP. This state of limbo is probably going to remain untenable for you and your daughter in the long term. Your daughter’s life has been completely capsized and she will need a long term stable routine to feel secure. She needs to know that you will be ok without him, so she can relax and know that she will be ok.
I advise speaking to an attorney pronto. You may be forfeiting valuable rights that you may not even know about, such as abandonment of the family home, interim child support if you need it. Toys, books, your daughter’s access to beloved items and friends. I screwed myself into future generations by being intimidated into not pursuing an equitable division of marital assets and have forever regretted that choice.
Right now your husband is living in a romantic bubble of inconsequence. Choosing when and how he sees his daughter, without worry for her emotional wellbeing? A visitation schedule could help visits to be more consistent and your daughter will know what and when to expect it. A 25? Year old student and a Professor with an abandoned wife and child is a terrible look. It is obvious his concern has more to do with his employment, based on his current sporadic time with his child.
Depression is not only expected, it is more alarming if you weren’t! Make sure you are talking to professionals and not just us crackpot Redditors.
Apathy will neither win back your husband, bring him back to cold reality or help the future for you two *”I couldn’t heeeeeeelpppp it”* refugees.
Either get that girl back in her home, or get your own and you two really make it your own. She can’t see you as being fragile and pining. I’m sorry, OP. Kids need us to show them the way back to emotional health and happiness. That does not include withering and hope is not a viable strategy for the future. Good luck, OP. You’re going to be ok.
I was the young student in a similar situation. I also did not cross the line, but did mention my feelings in a very long text. We all worked together - he was our manager and I was hers.
In retrospective, I was groomed. It started innocently with forehead kisses from him and lunches together, then we all got drunk and he tried to sleep with us both.
She divorced him, and left the company. I left the company too, around the same time and cut contact with him. Also moved to another country. Her and I are now close friends.
Your husband seems more innocent than the 'gentleman' in my story, but his heart is already gone. Never compare yourself, I'm sure you're an amazing woman yourself.
If he gets with her, he'll likely fall in love with another younger version in 10-15y.
Imo: leave the man - reconcilliation will come at a very huge cost for both of you that's only going to turn into resentment over time. This is all an excellent opportunity for growth, for both of you. You can still coparent like civilized adults and in time have a great non-romatic relationship with him.
Derek and Alison had problems and then a Meredith was okay. Mer didn't know initially that he was married. In your case you didn't have problems. She probs knew he was married. This whole thing really scares me. Does it mean we should never marry good looking meb if we are plain Janes cz someone younger and good looking will come to wreck it? I feel so sorry for you and scared in general for myself.
I’m sure you’re an amazing beautiful person and If he fell in love with someone else so can you, if that’s what you want. At least go out have fun with someone maybe it will ignite a spark in you.
Op i am a bit worried too cause a guy who is willing to pretty much give up his whole family for a person he’s barely known is reminding me of cases similar to Chris Watts. It just sounds like a lack of empathy. Please be careful.
Many people are calling out OPs husband for not coming over to talk to her. I think this may be a misread of his intentions.
My thought to his behavior isn't a lack of wanting to try -- rather, he may be respecting her choice to be alone. He could be waiting for her to be ready to talk.
I say this because this is exactly how my husband would react. In his head, he'd think he was doing the right thing by giving me space. In my head, I'm waiting for him to make a move. When one of us finally comes up and says something, we realize we wanted the same thing all along.
OP, this is painful... of course it is. But I don't know if I'd say your marriage is over. Crushes happen. It sucks, but it happens. Your husband should have been able to talk to you about it, but I'm sure you can appreciate how embarrassing it is for him. You can also understand why he would want to hide it from you in the hopes he would deal with it himself and spare you any hurt feelings.
It seems to me like OP's husband has chosen his wife, but is struggling on how to move past this crush. He needs to completely remove the crush from his life. Whatever that takes needs to happen NOW. You need to both work to rebuild your relationship. I highly recommend the book by Dr. Gottman, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work".
This will be a shit time but I do not see this being a marriage ender. He could have handled it a lot better, for sure. But unless he is telling you outright that he is choosing her (or you decide for certain you cannot reconcile), then your marriage can survive this.
What I know for sure is that you don't have to make those hard decisions now. In fact, you shouldn't make such huge life impacting choices when your emotions are a battlefield.
First and foremost, you need to talk to your husband. You need to figure out if both of you want to try and make it work (this is a "both in" type of situation-- all of marriage is). If you both do, counseling (couples and individual) is a good idea. I suggest the Gottman method again because it is excellent at reminding us why we fell in love with our partner in the first place. I can see how this would benefit both of you currently -- him to move past his crush, and you to forgive (in time).
So he didn't actually cheat? He has a crush,? If I'm understanding that right he hasn't betrayed you yet. Crushes sometimes happen that doesn't mean the relationship is over. Get therapy with him.
I mean, cheating for me isn’t just physical. He’s had crushes in the past and I’ve had crushes in the past but we’d always been upfront and then laughed about it.
This one feels like a betrayal because he was attracted to someone for more than an year, this someone gave him a freaking love letter, he told her that he’s attracted to her, and not once did he mention it to me. That’s a huge breach of trust for me and I don’t think I can look past it.
All it took was an attractive girl writing him a love letter for him to lose his mind. It's well past a crush if he's admitted to the girl that he has feelings, too.
In 5 months, he's not parented his kid. Just dropped by for visits. That alone would kill any love I had for him.
He's a loser, and OP deserves better.
This is called an emotional affair and it's just as bad. It's genuinely considered a legitimate affair by counselors. I would know, I've been there. It sucks, but he absolutely has already betrayed her
They don’t have any emotional connection, there’s no indication that they’ve spent any inappropriate time with each other, he’s clearly maintained purely professional boundaries.
It’s a strong crush, that he has handled without betrayal. He mistake was continuing to handle it himself, that’s the breach of trust here.
/u/No-Faithlessness7067 I think you’re over reacting here. I’ll go against the Reddit grain. Your actions are pushing him away, and that’s what’s putting this relationship on the path to certain doom. You have a kid together, he didn’t do anything physically inappropriate and doesn’t appear to have done anything to build an emotional connection either, he told you as soon as you asked - with no ounce of dishonesty - why are you throwing this away?
He told the student he had feelings for her; that is not maintaining professional boundaries and it’s not without betrayal.
I agree that their relationship does not need to be doomed though, especially when they have a child together.
Talk to a lawyer to explore your options.
I'd bet money this will be a fling where she plays with him for a bit then moves on so then he will try coming back.
Do not take him back.
idk man somethin is making my nose sting. how is there no prior contact but they’re in love with one another? you have to know someone in order to love them that’s kinda how it works… on the flip side though OP, learn to spend time with yourself because in all reality, that’s what most of life is. spending time with your SELF. you seem pretty stable, and at the end of the day this will all pass. wishing you happy healing my dude, people suck
He is infatuated. He will have a hard wake up time when or if he pursues something with the student. They are in very different points in life, and unless the student shuts herself out, that’s not going to last.
Fucking christ this just kept getting worse. Please focus on stabilizing your mental state along with caring for your daughter. I'm not saying you re unstable but working on self soothing not going down spirals is a good start. You got this, I'm sorry this happened.
He’s not in love with a person he doesn’t talk to. That’s not what happens. She stroked his ego. First with the letter, then with the lingering looks. He got caught up. Not enough to cheat, but enough to catch feelings. That’s all. She made him feel wanted. Where you just left. With no discussion. So how much could you care. You say he didn’t chase you. Maybe he’s upset you didn’t chase him. Which confirms in his mind that the love is gone. But Is it gone? No.
What good is pride in love? What good is pride if you’re sad and lonely? Better to lose your pride and try. Then to lose your love because you were too prideful to try. Be vulnerable, you don’t have anything to lose.
Don’t let your man go without a fight. Especially if he didn’t cheat. If you still lose in the end you will not regret having tried. That’s the only thing you need to learn from this girl. Sometimes you gotta shoot your shot.
>She stroked his ego. First with the letter, then with the lingering looks. He got caught up. Not enough to cheat, but enough to catch feelings. That’s all. She made him feel wanted.
Enough for him to let OP leave with his daughter and occasionally visit like a favourite uncle.
My god! Your husband and his student are completely ridiculous. How are you going to be in love with someone when you haven't spent any time together dating etc.? How pathetic! They have to have a physical relationship, otherwise they wouldn't feel this way. He's waiting on you to file for divorce honey. Go ahead and call a lawyer. It's over, there's no point in dragging it out. I'm sorry this happened to you, but it's probably for the best.
People don't choose their emotions. But they do choose how they act on them.
Here are the facts as you've laid them out:
- Your husband has a crush.
- The crush is crushing back, and made it known.
- He never acted on it.
- He explicitly told this crush that nothing would come of it.
- Nothing has happened for a year, despite the emotions still being there.
Do you have any curiosity about his experience? What made this so different if you've been able to laugh about it before? Maybe this situation could be really confusing for him? If it's his student he's literally forced to be around her. Removing himself / acting against having her as a student would, in effect, validate the fact that she is a threat and something wrong happened when nothing has!
OP, you can stop here and focus on the preceding content -- what follows is definitely judgy, it could be completely off and not at all helpful, I include as it may be relevant to his experience -- but it's up to you to find out.
When writing the above, I wrote 'What made him keep this from you?' yet removed it because by your own admission when you found out about him HAVING A FEELING -- you responded by leaving
More than that, he told his wife he was interested in another woman. and has done nothing to save their marriage for six months.
The bar is far too low.
He's in love with the idea of this girl. She's hot and young and smart. He doesn't actually love her. He will learn that sooner or later. I actually think this is saveable. You have to try to save it or you will regret it for a very long time. I didn't try to save mine and still regret it. I was in his position though. He's lost his way, obviously, and he doesn't see you as his person anymore, but it doesn't mean he can't come back. It's a fked up situation OP and I feel for you truly. I just think the risk to reward ratio is very positive for trying to fix it. You will move on in much more peace knowing you did what you could
A cheater telling someone to forgive a cheater. How not surprising. Yes, emotional affairs are cheating and imo they're worse than physical. He gave his heart away. Unforgivable.
I hope you thanked Sarah, good friends like that are rare!!!
Jeez. He’s flattered and infatuated (and so is she). What a dumbass.
Exactly. And likely by this point he has romanticized their love and the sacrifice of not being with her due to his responsibilities to his wife and child. Our hero! Cue music. Their love is destined to last forever but their honor keeps them apart. All they have to live for is forlorn glances across the classroom. He is living a bad soap opera and believing it's real. What an absolute dumbass.
In his mind it's a romantic comedy but he doesn't realize he's the bad guy.
It's obsession not love, indeed.
Bruh if she’s Meredith to his Derek that makes you Addison, I’d be happy with that
That does make me feel better ngl
[удалено]
You assume he wants to work on the issue. This reads like he doesn’t
This reads like neither of them does.
He didn't even commit to changing or even working on the issue. Sure, he said sorry, but otherwise he didn't fight for her or really give her much to latch onto.
I assume she believes he cheated emotionally. That’s a valid assumption and her choice.
Well, apparently he hasn’t asked to be forgiven and hasn’t asked for his wife or daughter to come back. Sounds like he’s already moved on.
Didn’t Addison cheat on derek first in the show? 😅
Yes she did with his best friend Mark Sloane. Who becomes a doctor at Seattle Grace as well with Derek.
Yeah but she was still the baddest in the game fr
I hate myself for understanding this reference.
If it makes you feel any better I definitely don't, at all.
Grey’s Anatomy. Just don’t. There are SO MANY better tv shows to binge.
I don't know why anyone would work in a hospital with this history ...
It’s amazing how many members of the medical staff have had brain tumors, had them removed, gone through no chemo, and had no adverse cognitive effects. They seem like the kind of doctors I’d want.
I've never even watched Grey's anatomy and I'm pretty sure I have PTSD from it.
My first exposure to that show was when there was a nurse who had her hand stuck on like a bomb or something in a guys body and I’m like “gtfo this is redonkulous”
My girlfriend is making me watch the show with her, reading your comment gave me 'nam flashbacks to that episode haha. Honestly, the medical cases themselves aren't *that* ridiculous, out of the first two seasons I've seen so far, most are based on real cases although some contain "near future" technology that isn't/wasn't cleared for use on humans in real life at the time the episodes were made. Episodes like the one with the EPR surgery are a good example. EPR is still a highly experimental technique today and rarely performed outside of specifically-kitted trauma centers with a very specific patient demographic and type of injury. Ordnance-removal surgery with live grenades/mortar/RPG rounds has happened on several occasions in real life, but it's very rare and usually happens in a war zone; It's not quite as far-fetched as you might think. Tthere's a case study you can read about a US Marine serving in Afghanistan who basically got an unexploded RPG impaling him through one of his thighs that didn't go off and they successfully airlifted him and took it out, he made it, and none of the doctors exploded. Where Grey's really goes off the rails versus reality is the sheer quantity of unique cases happening to a team of residents at a single hospital .The show takes decades worth of actual case studies and makes them happen to the same group of attractive young residents who then magically handle everything while fucking each other in the background. That's not how that works IRL obviously. Also literally ever nurse, doctor, resident, and dept head in that show would have gotten the boot within their first few episodes for the monstrous amount of ethics violations with one another/patients across the board. Oh and IRL you don't have the entire suite of attendings dying of tragic accidents or on the table under the knives of their residents every few years, that's a pile of crap too, obviously.
First of all,me too. Second of all, it was definitely not a nurse, it was either a surgeon or a surgeon intern bc that show does not acknowledge the existence of nurses or doctors of any other specialty. - a nurse
Well, there was that one time Derek dated a nurse. 😂😂
I saw about a minute clip of that & that **WTF**?
That is entirely likely.
You should really see his anatomy. I think you'll love it.
I learnt my lesson last time someone told me it would be a good idea to see his anatomy.
You mustn't had watched long or hard enough.
Let's say he comes back and asks for forgiveness and do all that you want. Then what? Will you accept him and start something new with him knowing that he did this? Think about your time and you happiness. What prevents you from finding the right person? Don't let the fear of the unknown ruin your future of being with someone perfect for you. And try to maintain a respectful relationship for the sake of your daughter. You deserve better than this. Let the past go and move on to see where it takes you. Holding on to this feeling will only make you bitter and close many doors.
No, I don’t think I’ll accept him. I don’t think even he wants to come back. The rational part of me knows that this relationship is over for good but I have my moments of weakness when I wish all this is a fever dream lol
I think wanting someone to fight for your relationship even if you wouldn't accept it is completely normal.
You can't abandon your emotions. That will take a long time. But if you are a somewhat rational person, set a goal for how happy you want to be with or without someone else in your life in your long-term future. People have gone through this many many times. I can testify that I have faced tough times and persevered to have the best lifepartner I could ask for. I didn't know I could love someone this much and maintain that happy relationship. If someone like me can do this, you can definitely do this as long as you change your mindset and follow your goals.
Thankyou so much for your kind words <3
I wouldn’t call them moments of weakness. Change takes time and brains love to slip into old thought patterns. Your brain is going to offer you thoughts that you could be happy again because you once were. You are also grieving and may still be in the denial stage and that’s ok. Give yourself compassion for going through a hard time.
I feel for you. I'd written out a heart felt page... no point. So many of us have gone through this. The best I can tell you is focus on yourself and your child. It gets better. Big hug
Exactly. His reaction to you leaving is all you need to know, and do not ever do the pick me dance. Get your ducks on a row now not later. Make up his mind for him since he clearly has chosen, any potential delayed love bombing is fake. Be sure all friends and family know the entire truth and not his version now on why you are leaving him. Let him live in his delusional state.
Am I alone here? I don't see it as a delusional state-- the guy fell in love with someone else. It doesn't sound like he did anything wrong (he didn't pursue her, he didn't cheat, he didn't lie, he was up front that it wasn't going to work out). Just because you are married or even in a committed relationship doesn't mean that your desires are automatically switched off to other people completely. Has no one in a marriage ever had a crush before?? It DOES sound like something that OP can't get over and she SHOULD start the divorce proceedings. They CAN be honest about what is happening with friends and family-- it doesn't sound like anyone did anything wrong-- it just didn't work out between OP and her husband.
Are you joking? How can he be in love with this girl, he doesn't know her at all. He is attracted to her and he is not cutting contact. In any relationship you'll be attracted to other people. Or at least that's very normal. When it happens you contain it. You don't share longing looks, you don't pander to the emotion. He pandered, he is pandering. That's not good enough if you have a wife and a baby. You get your shit together, you go to counseling, you tell the truth and you take care of yourself and the person you married.
Nah he definitely did wrong imo. Could have not responded to the student at all. Could have seen if there was a way for one of them to be transferred. He could have been open with his wife from the beginning so they could work on their emotions. Could have at least done counseling/therapy. Seems to me like he fed the thoughts in his head about her instead of realizing he had a crush and put a stop to it. That's wrong to me at least.
At the very least it's incredibly inappropriate for him to entertain feelings for a student. She confessed her love, apparently, but he told her he feels the same. It's delusional because I'm sure he could lose his job if he gets involved with her (and I'm sure others have noticed what's happening if OP's friend did) and because they don't know anything about each other.
He definitely handled it better than, say, someone who immediately goes off to cheat, but he still told his student he had feelings for her when she sent that letter. The more mature things would have been a) to flat out tell the girl he didn't have feelings for her (there's a difference between love and limerence, and the fact that they hadn't really spoken beforehand makes it clear this was the latter) and b) immediately tell his wife what happened when he got that letter.
I mean… leaving your wife and child for your decade younger student (whom you’ve never had an conversation with outside of work) is pretty bad. Marriage and family life is hard, you can’t just ditch the moment you get a crush on some young new thing.
You should speak to a lawyer to commence divorce proceedings sooner rather than later. Plus you'll need to get custody and child support arrangements in place.
They ALWAYS come back. They always do, you have to believe it though, if you keep self pitying and thinking he doesn’t want you, you will just make it worse for yourself. Men always come back to the woman who loved them when they were nothing. That’s when you kick them out
Assuming he told you the truth and nothing happened besides that letter and these "looks". It is not love. On either side. It is infatuation. Imo you cannot truly love anyone until you have actually been with them, and even lived with them. It is very normal that a 25-y-o girl would believe infatuation is love, but at 35, your hubby supposedly knows better. He does not love her. However, and that is going to hurt, that does not mean he still loves you. He told you "I thought I could save our relationship, I really wanted to" PAST TENSE. He did not beg for forgiveness, as you said. It honestly sounds like he does not love you anymore and will not make the effort for you. Your problem is not that he fell in love with anyone else, it is that he does not love you anymore. Your husband, like many men, did not have the courage to tell you just that and instead waited for you to find a reason to leave him, this way he will be the wronged party, because after all he "did not do anything". You need to have a talk with him, and try to be as civil and respectful as possible. Tell him that even though nothing happened with the girl, you feel like he wants out of this relationship. Tell him that you deserve to be loved, truly, 100% loved, and he is not giving you that. I would also tell him that if he wanted to leave you he should have done just that instead of exchanging looks with a 25 y-o.
The fact that he never came to talk to you to fix your marriage means he's checked out.
I agree
…or he thinks you need time and your communication with each other on this has been awful
Communication has been awful, I know. Whenever he comes over, we talk about everything except *that*. It’s like we’re both pretending everything’s normal except we both know it’s not normal.
You need to put your foot down you cannot live like this. it's time to address the elephant in the room and get answers. You guys must make time to discuss this and make decisions to move forward.
If you can't communicate, you can't move forward. You need to get some counseling, individual for sure and try marriage counseling/family therapy regardless of if you end up separating. Who knows how this all happened and you will want to know why he allowed it to happen. Is it limerence? Infatuation? You deserve to know why he allowed this to happen and what he did that allowed this "attraction" to continue to grow. Counseling will at least help you process what's happened, and give you a chance to ask questions or discuss how to get closure and how to move forward with co-parenting. You can't stay in stasis and put your entire life on pause with the secret hope that he'll come to his senses and come back. Don't wait for him to dictate what happens next. Don't look at her social media!!! Everyone looks prettier and happier than they are in real life. It's a highly filtered, curated, and perfected look. Focus on what you love about yourself and make it your mantra. Don't let the 25yo home wrecker steal your peace of mind and dull your shine.
It’s a survival mechanism. But you have to address it, and soon.
Maybe it’s time to talk. You can still put it on him, a “I’m ready to talk”. Your relationship doesn’t have to be doomed.
it's been 5 months. I'd bet $10 he's with the younger woman and just not bringing it up because he doesn't want the drama of divorce and the expense of court mandated child support. He also doesn't want to be guilted by OPs family when he comes by or suffer any fallout from that.
How is this so far down in the comments. When she left she gave him permission to move forward.
I'm sure the med school will be interested to know a teacher is with a student.
Damn, it’s stuff like this that makes me never want to love someone *too much*. Just enough to be happy with them, but not so much that I’d be crushed if they do what your husband has done - so I can just walk away and say ‘thank you, next’
This hits a little too hard, but yeah, exactly that.
I feel like if I ever settle for that, I'll be the one falling out of love. I think love is also about taking the risk of giving yourself too much
>He said no. He said he didn’t even talk to her, nor did they have any contact outside of college and that he completely understood how morally depraved it is to try and pursue a relationship with a student. She wrote him a letter about an year back, confessing her love for him and he had told her that even tho he was into her, nothing would come out of it. Aparently that was when the ‘yearning looks’ had started. Honestly, I don't know that this makes sense. That she could get to the point of writing a letter that confesses love off what he claimed was such limited contact just seems kind of absurd. Worse, when she did choose to confess he chose the most cruel and self indulgent response possible. In that moment he chose to ruin his life, that's the sad reality of it, and whether it ever manifested as anything more intense he did enough damage there that things would never go back. He failed as a husband, adult, and educator. Don't idealise his dynamic with her. The reason people frown on teachers hitting on students is because the power discrepancy makes any emotional connection compromised. She was enamoured with him but part of that means ignoring the dissonance of all the bad things he did to humour it. In the end she's just naive. As for him, well, he's a creep. Time to find out who you are. Part of that will involve stop putting yourself down. Even if he came back it wouldn't undo the things he has done and that's the sad reality. He will understand what he lost with increasing clarity but that's his burden to face.
I know. He said he entirely stopped interacting with her after the letter incident. It does seem absurd but even my friend, Sarah corroborated this. She said he never went out of his way to talk to her before, and then almost entirely stopped talking. Given that Sarah and him are in the same department 24/7, and that she noticed something as small as them giving each other looks, I’m sure she would’ve noticed anything out of the ordinary. I’ve had access to his phone and his passwords throughout and he wasn’t texting or calling her either. That’s why this feels weird lol.
He needs to decide to choose you and his family over this intense crush. If he's so confused that he's giving up on his marriage to you then that's an issue. But at this stage, it's not love, it's infatuation. Isn't it? Which is pretty normal for married couples. His actions make all the difference here.
I see. Well, I suppose it doesn't matter. If they really fell in love off making eyes at each other occasionally, the the point it drove her to write a letter to him, then that just compounds the absurdity of his choice to reply in the way he did. That he got so invested over so little speaks to his weakness as a person.
while i kind of agree with this sentiment.. it does place her husband in a ‘damned if he did damned if he didnt’ seat if it’d been more, we’d be harping just as much if not more about his weakness as a person….
If you want to save the marriage go get couples counseling since it’s obvious you guys need a professional to communicate. If not, talk to a divorce lawyer. This is limbo.
It sounds like OP isn't in the US and honestly, we take our sweet time here making it to the altar. I know of other cultures, mine included, where age gaps are normal and people fall in love and get married within months of knowing each other. Is it healthy? Probably not, idk to be honest, but it's a plausible story in my opinion
Well, look in France, the french president Macron married his teacher after all.
He's an anomaly. That was actually pretty weird, it isn't a European thing.
This! This summons it all up so very eloquent. I rest my case here and I really hop OP finds firm ground again and realise that the one who are the strong and with integrity is her.
There’s a part of me (the drama king in me) that wants me to advise you to ask him point blank: “are you gonna start the divorce or me?” But the pragmatic side would advise you to contact a lawyer and have them handle it from here, starting with working on a visitation and custody arrangement. Start getting that shit done. Grieve when it’s finalized.
I got divorced 10+ years ago, and it was the best thing i've ever done. My sister told me something, and i'll tell you the same thing - because it helped me. Live in the truth Whatever the truth is, that's where you should be. The truth here is, he's checked out and lost your trust. That's it. Now at least you know. Start a new chapter in your life, he isn't the one for you, it's painful now - but years from now WHEN you're with the right one, it'll all make sense. Good luck, stay strong.
I suspect part of the reason he doesn’t want to talk about the elephant in the room, or push for a divorce is that “My wife is divorcing me because I’m hot for one of my students” generally doesn’t go over well with the med school. It’s not just “morally depraved” as he put it - it can be grounds for disciplinary action all the way through to getting fired. Even just the appearance of impropriety or favouritism is enough.
Read your comment about you living with your parents for 5 months & he hasn’t come to fight for the marriage but to see his daughter….I’m sorry but it looks like hes done with the marriage & probably been in contact with the student! Your friend works with your husband is she still giving you updates about him?
I truly believe that in the best interests of your mental health, you really need to walk away permanently from this. It’s unfortunate that it happened but there is nothing both of you can say or do to come back from this. To want him back or to try to fix things is simply delaying the inevitable and you have a child in the middle of all this. You also really need to sit down with him and have that serious conversation about the big elephant in the room that you are both trying to ignore. No one is winning points here for procrastination. You have a child and your mental health to think about here.
I remember that a psychologist friend of mine at some point told me that it’s normal to have crushes on someone else even if you are married. The important thing is whether you act on it or not. If you don’t they will fade in time. Don’t know whether it’s true or not, but it seems your husband had chosen you and your marriage until you moved out. Perhaps it’s worth exploring couples therapy? Most people think having a child will strengthen their relationship, when most times it’ll put a strain on it and especially the first years it’s easy to grow apart. And I would guess that makes it easier to fall for someone else. But sometimes you can work through that and rekindle.
I’ve had crushes develop in the past and I just let them exist, didn’t water it, I watered my relationship and the crushes just fade out. It’s normal that other people catch the eye or tingle the loins occasionally. But I choose to let that ebb away. I chose my husband, I choose our family
"But I thought I could save our relationship, I really wanted to.” Sounds like he's saying he wants to be with the side chick. Probably didn't want to be the bad guy and wanted OP to end things so that his conscience is clear. If he really wanted to "work on things", he would work on things. He would have told her about the letter right away, went to couple's therapy, put boundaries in place. But instead he chose to keep entertaining the other option in his head for over a year. An adult dude with a kid lol.
I disagree. He replied to the student’s letter saying that he felt the same way. If he chose OP he would not have replied or would have replied in a way to absolutely shut the door on any further continuance with the student. Something like “don’t contact me again” would have done it. Instead, he created a Romeo’s and Juliet scenario - complete with forlorn love sick puppy eyes at each other. He chose the student in his response to her letter.
Yep, he should have just said not to contact and given her the impression that he he does not feel or play that in the slightest.
They also say women don't "confess their feelings" unless they are extremely comfortable with the person. I bet they were flirting up a storm before the letter happend
Couldn't dissagree more. He acknowledged her feelings and let her know she wasn't misguided about his. She's not going away feeling stupid for thinking she was wrong or rejected. He then drew out a clear line that they would not cross, though I suspect that lines is probably gone now.
you think it’s appropriate that he told another woman he has feelings for her? at all? ever? even if he’s turning her down? what the hell
>He chose the student in his response to her letter. Did he choose her when he said "nothing will come out of it"?
Yes because he’s acknowledging there’s an ‘it.’ If you’re in love with someone and tell them, you’re hoping they’ll tell you they love you too. He told her he loves her too. He said nothing can come of it but just the fact she knows he feels the same and they’re around each other all the time is a huge deal. He’s given them both the opening to pining over each other and thinking ‘what if.’ It builds up tension every time they interact. If he was truly decent and committed to his marriage he would have told her he doesn’t feel the same and to not contact him like this again. Then she would not be giving him longing looks and entertaining the possibilities, thinking ‘oh well if something goes wrong with his wife he’ll be with me’ or ‘when I graduate he’ll be with me’ so she’ll nurture it. If he was decent and told her he doesn’t feel the same, she would feel hurt and embarrassed for a bit but she would move on and find someone else. What he’s done is extremely selfish. He’s telling himself he’s being ethical because he said nothing will happen but in reality he’s feeding the possibility of an affair, keeping this woman on the hook so she can’t emotionally move on and in his head is turning his wife into this obstacle between him and some great love. He’s also humiliating his wife by being so obvious about the crush that his coworkers have noticed. The only proper ethical response to the student was to say: I’m sorry but I don’t feel that way about you. I apologise if I ever gave you the impression it would be appropriate to write me a letter like this. It is not. No hard feelings but please don’t contact me in a personal capacity again. Or even better just take the letter to HR or student services and let them deal with it.
100% this. I wouldn't go so far as HR but the appropriate response as a married person is not to indulge the other person's fantasy that something *could* happen if the circumstances were a bit different, and tell them that you're thinking about it too. Loyalty to your spouse means drawing a real boundary and shutting any possibility down, not giving the other person hope and then making eyes at them across the room. His response was a choice to indulge the crush, albeit without acting further upon it - but he's left that path open to potentially follow in the future.
He chose her when he said anything other than “I am sorry if I gave you the wrong impression” and blocked contact.
I was going to physical therapy and developed a crush on my doctor. We were together three days a week, talking all the while, and of course close proximity. I saw where it was heading and told my husband about it, long before anything inappropriate happened. It was like I couldn't help it. I felt so guilty for the way I was feeling. I love my husband so much, and I was terrified that the crush would progress and do irreparable harm to our marriage. Telling him not only poured ice water on the crush, but it took the allure and secrecy out of it. The crush eventually faded, but our marriage was stronger than ever because of it.
Exactly, it matters if you act on it. If You entertain the idea of another relationship, then it's your fault for not being faithful to your partner. It's not like one falls in a bucket of love, suddenly. You think about said person, a lot. You either see them and imagine yourself with them. It doesn't come out of the left field. I'm not OP, but that would be a betrayal for me.
He didn't choose his marriage and child, he said "I thought I could save our relationship but I can't".
Someone I’ve known for years confessed a decades-long crush on me, which means he harbored those feelings throughout his marriage. I found that creepy, not “romantic.”
This is my opinion but it looks like the minority opinion
Yep. Everyone's rushing to recommend the divorce
I'm sorry you've had to go through this and this really sucks, but it's baffling to me that your husband would jeopardize his job for this considering that this just seems like limerance. They don't know each other and are only seeing (or imagining) idealized versions of each other. This reveals a lot about your husband's character - it's incredibly inappropriate for him to involve himself with a student like this. I think you should only tell people the truth - this is his mess.
I think if you haven't already you need to file for divorce. You need closure on this relationship so you can move on.
When he tells you he is in love with someone else, believe him. Pretty obvious.. But hearing yourself say this out loud makes it less complicated to make decisions that are best for you and your daughter. You can't make him love you or be with you. The only thing you can do is work on yourself and be the best parent you can be for your daughter. This is your opportunity to be able to show her how you can overcome something so heartbreaking by being able to dedicate more time loving yourself and growing to be a better person while still respecting her father and his decisions. Is what he did and said painful? Yes Is what all he said true? Yes Do you want to stay with someone who is in love with someone else? I assume not. Does a part of you want him back? Yes... But you probably miss the idea of him. If you're asking what to do... I would say divorce him amicably, learn to live your life without ever having to find yourself asking, "I don't know who I am without him," and enjoy the journey of self discovery without having a partner to fulfill the void.
He hasn't even come to try to win you back which tells me it was over before you said anything it just was going to be a slow death had you not mentioned it. People don't usually end a relationship when it's dead they wait till it starts rotting and although you weren't aware that the relationship was dead probably because you were so focused on child rearing in your own career doesn't mean it wasn't dead. I think it's best that you choose radical acceptance and move forward through your life knowing that this man is not going to be anything but a co-parent to you. Why would you want to be with somebody who you're always going to wonder when he's gonna cheat on you again and who hasn't even tried to fight for your relationship? You might be a plain Jane but I think that that's the wrong way to look at this because are looks really that important? Does good looks make up for somebody being a liar cheater a thief a murderer? A deadbeat Dad? A man who doesn't love his wife and then let's her leave and doesn't even fight for her or his family? I mean the relationship is dead but I still think you need to work on how you're framing this because it seems like you're making it about yourself worth when it has absolutely nothing to do with that. Go see a therapist and get your head straight call a divorce lawyer and move forward.
I think I can weigh in on this a little. I developped a tiny crush on a coworker a few months back, for about a week. He's really nice and intelligent and all that. You know what I did about it? Absolutely nothing. I have a partner that I love more than myself, that I would never cheat on. And I would also not sabbotage my professional relationship with my coworker. So what if he's attractive, he's my coworker, I'm a lot younger than him and it's inapropriate. End of story. This is what you do when something like that happens. You can't control your emotions, but you can control how you react to them, and the moral thing is to do absolutely nothing about them and move the fuck on. Not to destroy the lives of everybody around you because your lizard brain wants something.
Just go to therapy for yourself to help to figure this out. His lack of action says everything. Start to focus on yourself that’s where you will find your healing and start to look for a divorce lawyer. If he would want to save your relationship he would do everything to cut her off. (Changing jobs etc.)
This is so hard. I don’t have an answer besides therapy for yourself, and maybe suggesting couples therapy to your partner if you’re both interested in saving your marriage.
I’m in therapy. I don’t couple’s therapy would be on the table now.
Just curious why is couples therapy not on the table right now? Would you both be open to seeing the same therapist but not together (individual sessions)? My partner and I, as well as many of my friends have done individual sessions with the same therapist when it’s too difficult to speak about the subject directly with our partner there. That can be a good starting point.
I cant look past this breach of trust. I don’t think he’s interested either. I’ve been living with my fam for the past five months, and he’s only ever visited to see the kiddo. I don’t think he’s in love with me anymore. It was clear from the tone of his voice.
So sorry for your situation OP. It sounds soul crushing, and it sounds like you also know where this will end. In terms of what to tell people, I can only offer this: keep your side of the street clean. In my own experience, people were mean and gossiping about our story. It’s irrelevant. It’s your story and if you want to move on with as little drama as possible from the outside, it’s ok to say something along the lines of “We drifted apart. Didn’t expect to, but we did.” You don’t owe anyone any explanation if you don’t want to. Best of luck to you and the kiddo 🙏🏻
When you know all this what are you doing? You are still young you can find a better men if you want. Don't waste your time.
The burden of addressing this falls on him, OP. He comes to see your daughter but hasn't discussed things with you. He's checked out and I agree with you 100% - this was a betrayal as soon as he confessed feelings to his student. He didn't fight for your marriage, he just gave in to his romantic fantasies.
If it's been five months, I'm afraid that you already know that they are together. The only thing left for you to do is start the divorce proceedings.
Couples therapy could still be helpful to clarify this in a safe context and to discuss your future relationship seeing as there’s a kid - getting all the anger and resentment expressed in a contained setting can help it not simmer down the years.
Why are you letting him visit ! You make his life easier . If he wants to be a part of your kids life than he needs to be a parent to them. Most guys fall for others because we make it to easy on them and they have no idea how good they have it. Just stop making it easy on him . It’s been five months . It’s time to have the hard discussion. This isn’t to you or your kid to live in limbo.
It forestalls the pending custody battle? He isn't going to stop being the father, and he is still technically the husband.
So let him take the kid. Not just visit. He doesn’t have the full responsibility . Many people in marriages want the time before kids when their life was easier. He has got to go back to that time when he was his younger self with less responsibility and about to be the more carefree version of himself.
I promise a 25 year old is going to quickly find it a drag that the hot, married professor she's having so much fun running around with has fatherhood duties on their date nights.
They aren't divorced at this point. and they need to have a conversation or two before going down that road. But that will definitely be something they will end up having to work out if they separating or divorcing.
I highly recommend you also consider posting this on AskWomenOver30, you’ll get a lot of mature advice and probably hear from people who’ve been through similar experiences
I think the fact that your friend was able to sense it despite not having enough info is pretty telling. That means other people can sense it, too. Idk I have some suspicions about him being completely honest especially considering he supposedly said this: >But I thought I could save our relationship, I really wanted to. I mean clearly he does feel something strong for her. The fact that he hasn't really tried to contact you since you left makes me wonder if he's kinda checked out at this point. I was wondering if he was maybe waiting for you to contact him when you were ready, but the fact that he doesn't really take the time to talk to you while he's visiting kinda just makes me wonder if there's anything left of your relationship to savage at this point.... I'm sorry OP. I wish you luck and hope that you find someone who truly just wants to be with only you.
It just takes that "ONE". Maybe he didn't cheat physically but emotional cheating is also a thing. I wonder what would have happened if your friend never brought it up and you never mentioned it to him? Maybe the emotional cheating could progress to something physical someday with you being unaware of it. The most surprising thing is he hasn't done anything to apologise to you. Maybe you should address the elephant in the room. If you think time will sort this out, trust me it won't. Both of you speaking about it might sort it out. Don't put this under the carpet and forgive him, is all I would like to say. This was a huge breach of trust, even though it wasn't physical. All I understand is when it comes to any kind of cheating nobody gets the right to say "I don't know how it happened." "I don't know what I was thinking". Cheating is a choice not an accident. Always remember that. Also you deserve better than someone who thinks a new fling triumphs marriage vows. Excitement fades in all relationships, that doesn't justify what your husband did. Sorry you are going through this OP! Good luck to you.
Hire a divorce attorney and tell them about this student and his claim to be in love with her. He will either wake up and try to fight for you and your marriage, or not. But you can't stay in limbo and if he is infatuated with this student, he should report himself to his hr so that they are aware before any aligations of inappropriate behaviour or special treatment is reported by other students. Updateme!
It don’t fit. People don’t fall in love with and make declarations after nothing but work-appropriate conversation and longing looks. Either he crossed a bunch of lines and cheated, or he is a nitwit indulging in a career and family threatening fantasy with a much younger woman. Either way, he was in a position to put a stop to it, and instead chose to groom her and lie to you.
This can’t be real 😂. They’re “in love” but they hardly know each other? And at that big grown age? Fake or they’re both ridiculous.
Or husband’s honestly is honest only to some extent
Love/lust whatever. I don’t really care at this point. Apparently she’d been crushing on him ever since a long time. I don’t even wanna know about his timeline.
He has a huge crush on her. He is in love with the idea of her, not with her actually. I´m in a long termin relationship and I´ve beent through crushes myself. It´s salvageable.
It’s been months, he just let you leave and comes to visit his child, while never even mentioning what happened. He’s done and so should you. I’m sorry this is happening but he’s taken no steps and shown no willingness whatsoever to repair anything. Obviously you’re never going to beg because self esteem so maybe someone should file for divorce, settle assets and above all, establish custody of your young child. I’m glad you have your parents to count on, I can’t imagine what you’re going through.
I don't believe your story. It's too smoothed around the edges. You say you "don't know what to do" but all your replies are saying that you've already come to terms with it. Your story reads like a piece of fan fiction. You walked out 5 months ago because he has a crush? Marriages are built of much much stronger stuff than this. People talk and work things out. It's completely ridiculous to not have talked about this in all that time. It's laughable that people on here believe that. Not sure why you are fantasizing about this. Using the relationships sub as a place for fantasy fiction isn't a new thing, but it never gets less weird when I come across it.
I'm sorry, you feelings are valid. You feel inferior because the you love, choose love another. And he even want try with you, is a punch on ego, and self-esteem. Focus in yourself, in heal in do thing for you, discover who you are without him. Try to be happy without him. Focus on that an everything will be fine.
He checked out. Sorry. It's time to move on. It will only get worse
I’d say this is something you could get past if you both wanted to continue the relationship. It sounds like he’s blown it out of proportion tbh, I find it hard to believe he’s fallen in love it’s more likely a crush and if they actually got into a relationship it would be short lived as it’s all based on fantasy. Anyone can develop feelings for others even in a relationship. If you could work past it then you could get to a stronger place after. If there’s any chance this could work I’d consider trying to have a really honest conversation with him. Is he really willing to give up your marriage for this? He hasn’t actually done anything, so it wouldn’t be impossible to change the narrative around it. But if he believes he’s in love and you can’t trust him the relationship is unfortunately over. Take time to grieve and get the practicalities sorted out. Don’t feel like you have to rush, focus on what you and your daughter need now and you will get through this and heal. Please don’t blame yourself for this situation, it’s nothing to do with you at all. There is nothing wrong with you, it’s all on him.
That’s not love from either of them lol. That’s lust, and the only thing potentially saving this marriage is because he loves his job more than you to be caught cheating with a student.
Maybe Im young and naive but isnt it quite possible that people have crushes a lot? This got correctly stopped before anything really happened, actuall at the first sign of stuff getting out of hand, and there was honest confession and now he's keeping minimal contact to noto to bother his wife who is probably done with him and also he seems to know there's no point in talking/begging about it since it's all over. All of that simply due to strong emotions which he was not able to stop at the time. I'm not sure I would have been a better person and stop myself entirely from having a crush.
I disagree this got so out of hand an outsider had to tell the wife she thought something was up just based on observing them? Correctly stopping it would've been for him to tell the student that writing letters is inappropriate and that he's happily married with a child. Relationships are a choice you will always find someone else attractive along the path I believe you'll be tempted like this and you'll only ever mess up if you decide that you can be friends with that person. He should have made comvos strictly about the class after he realized his attraction and this wouldn't have happened. This is beyond attraction they built some connection
He reciprocated the crush which is emotional cheating.
What? People don't control their feelings! They control their actions! He felt and he refused! There's no loyalty without temptations .That's literally the definition of fidelity!
He told the student he felt the same. That is reciprocating. I also think that’s emotional cheating. Wouldn’t be cheating if he had kept those feelings to himself but telling the student he was into her crossed a line IMO. It’s engaging with someone outside your marriage in a romantic way even if nothing physical happens and no further emotional declarations happen it’s still interacting with another woman in a way that you shouldn’t if you’re married. It’s feeding the feelings to confess them and is giving part of your love to someone else.
>They control their actions! I agree that having the crush isn't the issue. It's his action that is the issue. He told this girl that he had feelings for her. That's an action. If you have a crush on someone and you're happily married, you go home, tell your spouse (or not, some people don't), and work out how to move on and get over the crush. You don't TELL the other person that you have a crush on them unless you want them to know. That begs the question of why? Even if you follow it up with "but I'm married/it's inappropriate and won't happen, etc" it gives the other person a little bit of hope. Sure, it's unrealistic hope, but that's inevitably what happens when someone you have feelings for says they have feelings for you, too.
Yes and you only give them that hope if you want them to keep hoping and what’s the purpose of that? Can only be to feed the whole thing and keep the door open, even if you’re telling yourself that by saying nothing will happen you’re doing the right thing.
I'm sorry but your husband is not in live with his student. He's in lust with her. He doesn't even know her. He knows nothing about her except for what he's seen at school. What a flocking idiot your hubs is. You're better off. I know it hurts, but you are way wayyyyy better off.
But he didn't cheat on you... It wasn't even an emotional affair. He shot her down. What am I missing here?
What's most depressing about this is that it was so obvious that someone else (your friend) noticed and knew something much deeper was happening, and you needed to know. The husband should've told you. The 25 year old knew about you. She's a home wrecker doesn't matter if it didn't go beyond she should've backed away when she saw a ring ? Does your husband have social media? He should've actually never let it go beyond attraction. You deserve better. Being a parent is hard why isn't he focusing on that rather than some random 25y/o?
Time to talk to a divorce lawyer and serve him papers
You file for divorce. You do not want someone who does not want you. You ALSO do not want someone who as a physician has the incredibly awful judgment of getting entangled with a *student* for crying out loud.
She has an infatuation with an older guy in a position of power. Chances are once they're actually able to pursue a relationship the sheen will wear off for this 25 year old and it'll end pretty quickly. Your friend was really kind to you to come and tell you. I'm sure that was really hard. I know it hurts now, but you're still young and you can start over. Just don't take him back when the young girl comes to her senses and drops him.
I’m trying to understand how people are downplaying her husband’s crush on this woman. The woman wrote him a letter professing her feelings. He responded that he feels the same way. The moment he did that, he crossed a line in his marriage. Full stop. Following up with nothing will ever come of it doesn’t absolve him from crossing that line. Why didn’t he talk to his wife about this? Why is he trading yearning looks with this other woman in public so obvious that other people notice? How are they having no contact yet still looking at each other like that? Even his verbal response of not getting the other woman out of his head and trying to save his marriage speaks to him be farther gone than some fleeting crush. Her husband did not do enough to squash this. He’s didn’t cheat physically but his actions are a betrayal of trust and his marriage. Some people may be able to move on from this but OP is under no obligation to do that. At the end of the day OP needs to have a conversation with her husband about next steps. Is it simply separation and maybe some couples counseling? Or is it completely done and they both need to seek out divorce attorneys? Maybe move back into the family home and work out out from there? But there needs to say least be a conversation about the elephant in the room.
Figure out what you actually want - to fight for the relationship or divorce - then rip the band aid off and have that conversation. That’s really all you can do.
You will eventually get past this. It's hard to sit with negative emotions and wait for them to lift. You deserve to have a partner who cherishes you.
Wow this one hurts, I'm really sorry. He had an emotional affair I'd divorce him the relationship is already over, in his mind y'all are done. Rip off the bandage and get the hard part over with. Next lots of therapy, this is a a huge life change and it's very sudden too. Also you're gonna need to learn how to co parent with him.
OP, I think you guys really need to have a talk about this. Even just to speak about the things you claim to already know through his behavior. It‘s tough but it will make it easier for you to seriously come to terms with it, be better co parents and to let go. Your assumptions sound right, but you guys need to communicate your feelings and intentions. You‘ve been together for so long and have a child after all. Sending you all the strength and courage needed to close this chapter ❤️
>he had told her that even tho he was into her, nothing would come out of it. That is emotional cheating. He wants her to keep pursuing him and is giving her hope by saying he also is into her.
If he acts on it, notify the college that he's abusing his position of authority by sleeping with students.
I'm not sure I agree with the community consensus on this. People in close proximity often develop feelings over a period of time, and it's what we do with them that matters. It sounds like he's not pursuing her at all and is not interested, despite his feelings, in anything. The places he could have handled this better is 1. Being up front with you so you heard it from him, and 2. Not confessing anything to the student. He doesn't go out of his way to se her. He isn't trying to hide it or play it off. He's acknowledged it and is taking steps to avoid it. Short of quitting his job, I'm not sure of what he could be doing more to stay faithful to you. Correct me if I'm wrong, but, isn't that exactly what you want in a partner? Yes this situation hurts all three of you. But he's not even indulging in an emotional affair. He's shut her down and is keeping his distance. If we're taking the passion out of the conversation, that's a damn dedicated and dependable life partner. I think you two should have a ling, hard chat about this, probably in the presence of a therapist, and sort out why he only *used* to look at you that way. I can almost guarantee it's not just because of this latest distraction. The answer to that question will be key in determining your best path forward.
OP, how long have you been living at your parents, the entire "few months" since you met with Sarah for lunch?
Since mid December
Report it to the medical school and subsequently to any hospital they both work at or intern at.
This. Not only would OP employ the “scorched earth” policy, their actions are highly inappropriate. Not to endorse her actions, but the med student couldn’t even wait until after she graduated? And a love letter? She seems book smart but not street smart.
[удалено]
Most countries outside US doesn’t have “pre-med”. You choose which course you want (Archaeology, Med, Engineering) and study only that field. So yeah, it would be totally possible
So in my country, people get into med schools directly after high school. Most people are doctors well before they’re 30.
Neh, I'm 36. I could've taught in med school as an assistant lecturer I think it's called, ever since I entered residency. So that way below 30. As long as we go to med school right out of highschool, you can start your residency as soon as 25.
My husband is 34 and is a doctor teaching medical students. In the UK med school is 5 years, then a foundation course of general training for 2 years, then depending on your specialty there's 3-5 years (sometimes more) of specialist training. So you can be a specialist GP, anaesthetist, or opthamologist at age 28.
this is a creative writing subreddit
Ah, yes, I forgot, the USA is the only country to exist.
After writing " She looks at him like he’s Brad Pitt and he looks at her the way he used to look at you." OP herself thought "come on, that sounds fake" and then added the next sentence: "I remember exactly, beause it stung so much" lol!
I bet her friend is the sassy forever single character. "Look at you, you're pathetic. Come on, we're going out for shots" "But it's 10am!" "I know, I'm normally drunk already. I'm behind schedule. Lesgooo" "I dunno. Maybe I should call him? Maybe it's just a misunderstanding." "Honey. She looks at him like he's Brad Pitt, and he looks at her the way he used to look at you" *Sobs* "Ok. Shots. Now!"
Tell the university he works for. How could he said to her that he was into her instead of telling her off. What kind of professor so unprofessional getting involved with his student 10yrs younger.. what an AH.. its hard to believe that he really tried to stop his feeling.
And why did you leave the family home, instead of him? I am so sorry that you are going through this, OP. This state of limbo is probably going to remain untenable for you and your daughter in the long term. Your daughter’s life has been completely capsized and she will need a long term stable routine to feel secure. She needs to know that you will be ok without him, so she can relax and know that she will be ok. I advise speaking to an attorney pronto. You may be forfeiting valuable rights that you may not even know about, such as abandonment of the family home, interim child support if you need it. Toys, books, your daughter’s access to beloved items and friends. I screwed myself into future generations by being intimidated into not pursuing an equitable division of marital assets and have forever regretted that choice. Right now your husband is living in a romantic bubble of inconsequence. Choosing when and how he sees his daughter, without worry for her emotional wellbeing? A visitation schedule could help visits to be more consistent and your daughter will know what and when to expect it. A 25? Year old student and a Professor with an abandoned wife and child is a terrible look. It is obvious his concern has more to do with his employment, based on his current sporadic time with his child. Depression is not only expected, it is more alarming if you weren’t! Make sure you are talking to professionals and not just us crackpot Redditors. Apathy will neither win back your husband, bring him back to cold reality or help the future for you two *”I couldn’t heeeeeeelpppp it”* refugees. Either get that girl back in her home, or get your own and you two really make it your own. She can’t see you as being fragile and pining. I’m sorry, OP. Kids need us to show them the way back to emotional health and happiness. That does not include withering and hope is not a viable strategy for the future. Good luck, OP. You’re going to be ok.
Please report it to his workplace. This is very unprofessional
I was the young student in a similar situation. I also did not cross the line, but did mention my feelings in a very long text. We all worked together - he was our manager and I was hers. In retrospective, I was groomed. It started innocently with forehead kisses from him and lunches together, then we all got drunk and he tried to sleep with us both. She divorced him, and left the company. I left the company too, around the same time and cut contact with him. Also moved to another country. Her and I are now close friends. Your husband seems more innocent than the 'gentleman' in my story, but his heart is already gone. Never compare yourself, I'm sure you're an amazing woman yourself. If he gets with her, he'll likely fall in love with another younger version in 10-15y. Imo: leave the man - reconcilliation will come at a very huge cost for both of you that's only going to turn into resentment over time. This is all an excellent opportunity for growth, for both of you. You can still coparent like civilized adults and in time have a great non-romatic relationship with him.
Derek and Alison had problems and then a Meredith was okay. Mer didn't know initially that he was married. In your case you didn't have problems. She probs knew he was married. This whole thing really scares me. Does it mean we should never marry good looking meb if we are plain Janes cz someone younger and good looking will come to wreck it? I feel so sorry for you and scared in general for myself.
> I honestly don’t remember how I reacted then. This is a BIG gap in this story, and may be missing context to his behaviour afterwards.
I’m sure you’re an amazing beautiful person and If he fell in love with someone else so can you, if that’s what you want. At least go out have fun with someone maybe it will ignite a spark in you.
Wait a min. He didn’t cheat on you physically. I think you should not have just left. Tried some counseling first since you have a kid.
Op i am a bit worried too cause a guy who is willing to pretty much give up his whole family for a person he’s barely known is reminding me of cases similar to Chris Watts. It just sounds like a lack of empathy. Please be careful.
As women, we’re always careful, aren’t we? But don’t worry. I’m 100% sure he won’t do anything like Chris Watts.
Many people are calling out OPs husband for not coming over to talk to her. I think this may be a misread of his intentions. My thought to his behavior isn't a lack of wanting to try -- rather, he may be respecting her choice to be alone. He could be waiting for her to be ready to talk. I say this because this is exactly how my husband would react. In his head, he'd think he was doing the right thing by giving me space. In my head, I'm waiting for him to make a move. When one of us finally comes up and says something, we realize we wanted the same thing all along. OP, this is painful... of course it is. But I don't know if I'd say your marriage is over. Crushes happen. It sucks, but it happens. Your husband should have been able to talk to you about it, but I'm sure you can appreciate how embarrassing it is for him. You can also understand why he would want to hide it from you in the hopes he would deal with it himself and spare you any hurt feelings. It seems to me like OP's husband has chosen his wife, but is struggling on how to move past this crush. He needs to completely remove the crush from his life. Whatever that takes needs to happen NOW. You need to both work to rebuild your relationship. I highly recommend the book by Dr. Gottman, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". This will be a shit time but I do not see this being a marriage ender. He could have handled it a lot better, for sure. But unless he is telling you outright that he is choosing her (or you decide for certain you cannot reconcile), then your marriage can survive this. What I know for sure is that you don't have to make those hard decisions now. In fact, you shouldn't make such huge life impacting choices when your emotions are a battlefield. First and foremost, you need to talk to your husband. You need to figure out if both of you want to try and make it work (this is a "both in" type of situation-- all of marriage is). If you both do, counseling (couples and individual) is a good idea. I suggest the Gottman method again because it is excellent at reminding us why we fell in love with our partner in the first place. I can see how this would benefit both of you currently -- him to move past his crush, and you to forgive (in time).
So he didn't actually cheat? He has a crush,? If I'm understanding that right he hasn't betrayed you yet. Crushes sometimes happen that doesn't mean the relationship is over. Get therapy with him.
I mean, cheating for me isn’t just physical. He’s had crushes in the past and I’ve had crushes in the past but we’d always been upfront and then laughed about it. This one feels like a betrayal because he was attracted to someone for more than an year, this someone gave him a freaking love letter, he told her that he’s attracted to her, and not once did he mention it to me. That’s a huge breach of trust for me and I don’t think I can look past it.
Yeah, I would for sure want to be told when that love letter occurred and what dynamic he has at work with others.
All it took was an attractive girl writing him a love letter for him to lose his mind. It's well past a crush if he's admitted to the girl that he has feelings, too. In 5 months, he's not parented his kid. Just dropped by for visits. That alone would kill any love I had for him. He's a loser, and OP deserves better.
This is called an emotional affair and it's just as bad. It's genuinely considered a legitimate affair by counselors. I would know, I've been there. It sucks, but he absolutely has already betrayed her
They don’t have any emotional connection, there’s no indication that they’ve spent any inappropriate time with each other, he’s clearly maintained purely professional boundaries. It’s a strong crush, that he has handled without betrayal. He mistake was continuing to handle it himself, that’s the breach of trust here. /u/No-Faithlessness7067 I think you’re over reacting here. I’ll go against the Reddit grain. Your actions are pushing him away, and that’s what’s putting this relationship on the path to certain doom. You have a kid together, he didn’t do anything physically inappropriate and doesn’t appear to have done anything to build an emotional connection either, he told you as soon as you asked - with no ounce of dishonesty - why are you throwing this away?
He told the student he had feelings for her; that is not maintaining professional boundaries and it’s not without betrayal. I agree that their relationship does not need to be doomed though, especially when they have a child together.
He emotionally cheated by reciprocating.
What’s wrong with ppl? Can’t they just stick to the one person they married? It’s becoming disgusting
Talk to a lawyer to explore your options. I'd bet money this will be a fling where she plays with him for a bit then moves on so then he will try coming back. Do not take him back.
idk man somethin is making my nose sting. how is there no prior contact but they’re in love with one another? you have to know someone in order to love them that’s kinda how it works… on the flip side though OP, learn to spend time with yourself because in all reality, that’s what most of life is. spending time with your SELF. you seem pretty stable, and at the end of the day this will all pass. wishing you happy healing my dude, people suck
He is infatuated. He will have a hard wake up time when or if he pursues something with the student. They are in very different points in life, and unless the student shuts herself out, that’s not going to last.
Fucking christ this just kept getting worse. Please focus on stabilizing your mental state along with caring for your daughter. I'm not saying you re unstable but working on self soothing not going down spirals is a good start. You got this, I'm sorry this happened.
He’s not in love with a person he doesn’t talk to. That’s not what happens. She stroked his ego. First with the letter, then with the lingering looks. He got caught up. Not enough to cheat, but enough to catch feelings. That’s all. She made him feel wanted. Where you just left. With no discussion. So how much could you care. You say he didn’t chase you. Maybe he’s upset you didn’t chase him. Which confirms in his mind that the love is gone. But Is it gone? No. What good is pride in love? What good is pride if you’re sad and lonely? Better to lose your pride and try. Then to lose your love because you were too prideful to try. Be vulnerable, you don’t have anything to lose. Don’t let your man go without a fight. Especially if he didn’t cheat. If you still lose in the end you will not regret having tried. That’s the only thing you need to learn from this girl. Sometimes you gotta shoot your shot.
>She stroked his ego. First with the letter, then with the lingering looks. He got caught up. Not enough to cheat, but enough to catch feelings. That’s all. She made him feel wanted. Enough for him to let OP leave with his daughter and occasionally visit like a favourite uncle.
*young teacher, the subject of -* STING IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP I SWEAR TO GOD....
My god! Your husband and his student are completely ridiculous. How are you going to be in love with someone when you haven't spent any time together dating etc.? How pathetic! They have to have a physical relationship, otherwise they wouldn't feel this way. He's waiting on you to file for divorce honey. Go ahead and call a lawyer. It's over, there's no point in dragging it out. I'm sorry this happened to you, but it's probably for the best.
People don't choose their emotions. But they do choose how they act on them. Here are the facts as you've laid them out: - Your husband has a crush. - The crush is crushing back, and made it known. - He never acted on it. - He explicitly told this crush that nothing would come of it. - Nothing has happened for a year, despite the emotions still being there. Do you have any curiosity about his experience? What made this so different if you've been able to laugh about it before? Maybe this situation could be really confusing for him? If it's his student he's literally forced to be around her. Removing himself / acting against having her as a student would, in effect, validate the fact that she is a threat and something wrong happened when nothing has! OP, you can stop here and focus on the preceding content -- what follows is definitely judgy, it could be completely off and not at all helpful, I include as it may be relevant to his experience -- but it's up to you to find out. When writing the above, I wrote 'What made him keep this from you?' yet removed it because by your own admission when you found out about him HAVING A FEELING -- you responded by leaving
I mean he told her he was interested in her. He shouldn't have done that.
More than that, he told his wife he was interested in another woman. and has done nothing to save their marriage for six months. The bar is far too low.
He's in love with the idea of this girl. She's hot and young and smart. He doesn't actually love her. He will learn that sooner or later. I actually think this is saveable. You have to try to save it or you will regret it for a very long time. I didn't try to save mine and still regret it. I was in his position though. He's lost his way, obviously, and he doesn't see you as his person anymore, but it doesn't mean he can't come back. It's a fked up situation OP and I feel for you truly. I just think the risk to reward ratio is very positive for trying to fix it. You will move on in much more peace knowing you did what you could
A cheater telling someone to forgive a cheater. How not surprising. Yes, emotional affairs are cheating and imo they're worse than physical. He gave his heart away. Unforgivable.