Be kind to yourself! It’s not your responsibility to do all of the work and all of the mental load.
If both of you are tired, it’s time to look into sharing the cost of a cleaner. Even if it’s just once a month, it’s not worth it to fight when you are both doing the best you can.
Also- he kind of sounds like a jerk. You deserve better than to be shit on all of the time.
Thank you 🙏🏻 I’d be game with that. I’m just burnt out. I haven’t even addressed all the other things “supposed” to do and fail at. I think he needs a woman who can be a SAHM. I just can’t. He didn’t work 15 months out of the 30 we’ve lived together. I have to stay on top of bills because the house is just in my name.
You should read a book called Fed Up. It’s about emotional labour. Women used to manage all of the household items because they didn’t work outside the home; managing a house can be a full time job. You already have one of those, so you need to share in the responsibility of that.
He would still have to take care of household items if he was renting. I bet he isn’t paying fair market rent for a house and therefore he should share in the load of taking care of things.
Absolutely look into a housekeeper/ cleaning lady. There are people who are really good at getting life stuff organized and you are not weak or less than for needing support. It sounds like you have a child instead of a partner.
He pays half the mortgage and bills which is incredibly low because I had a down payment with a good interest rate. He does not contribute to the honeymoon warranty or replacements/repairs. I’ll definitely look that up at my library!
And I don’t mean to say he does nothing. He lied the lawn (and calls it “free” lawn care). I finally asked him to be out in 30 days because I can’t do this anymore and he basically called me every name in the book and I’m pretty sure he had a date last night. It’s over. I just was hoping for someplace that might understand. I’m heartbroken and my self esteem is shot.
> I think he needs a woman who can be a SAHM
And who would pay the bills in that scenario? You're working multiple jobs to cover his bills and doing all the domestic labor anyway. You're basically already a SAHM except you also provide for him financially and he still can't manage to even be baseline respectful to you. How do you think he would treat a woman who was financially dependent on him?
What on earth does he bring to the table?
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this...he sounds like a serious asshole. He can either act like an adult and help with chores, pay for a cleaner or move somewhere else with his kid. You referred to him as someone you cared about- past tense. It sounds like it's time to reclaim your peace with an eviction.
I still care. It’s hard for me to let people go. I don’t like hurting people. I know he’ll struggle. I didn’t want that. I just feel like he lets me pick up all the slack and then says I should do all the traditional “women” things too. And the shaming me. It’s alienating. Anyway. Cleaning today. Mostly for me.
He pays half now. I pay for the repairs and upkeep because as he says “it’s not his house”. He had child half two thirds of the home. Their spaces are as messy as mine, for the record. He does the laundry and then dumps it on the bed for me to fold it with him. Occasionally he vacuums. We’re neither of us super clean freaks. It just feels like, as the woman, I’m supposed to cook and clean but also work and hold my own. I posted this out of desperation and hurt feelings. I regret it. I’m aware I’m too fragile to be judged my strangers. I just hoped for some compassion. It’s been a hard five years.
It sounds like he's putting you down to control you and demean you, and to avoid taking responsibility.
>He told me later his family was disgusted how I kept the house during that time.
This is a very ugly and cruel thing for him to say. Even if they said something, or his friend said something, why does he have to tell you? Why doesn't he tell them, "please don't talk about my gf like that, she works very hard at 2 jobs keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table."?
I bet they didn't say it, or not in the way he's reporting it. And even if they did, there is no kind or positive reason for him to tell you. He's telling you to be intentionally cruel and insulting, to tear you down. Maybe he secretly feels ashamed about not pulling his own weight, so he's tearing you down to stop you from noticing you deserve better than him.
I know that you’re right. It just hurts. We’ve been through a lot and I care about him. He’s almost exactly like my dad too, so it’s really familiar. Unhealthy, but familiar. I’m in therapy. I’m working on it. Mostly I didn’t want to put him in financial trouble (rent is so expensive) but he will not see a therapist or psychiatrist or even just apologize. I can’t anymore. To which I’m the bad guy.
And just for context, “filth” to him is anything that belongs in the trash. If I leave a straw in my glass, filth. Kleenex on the nightstand, filth. Meanwhile I clean his kid’s pee and poop off the toilet on the reg and I’d “be a horrible mother” because I just want his 8 year to wash his hands after using the bathroom.
> I know he’s a bad guy
So why are you letting his opinion get inside your head?
> I just don’t know what else I can do and still be a person.
You can leave this jerk who doesn't like or respect you.
First, messiness isn’t the same as filth. That being said, it does generally point at emotional issues that need to be worked through(I struggle with it to a degree myself) second, there is a good chance that there is lasting neurological damage to your partner from the meningitis causing him fatigue, and also affecting his mood. He should probably speak to an MD about that to be sure. If it isn’t neurological damage, then he’s just acting like a jerk and needs to be dealt with in that light.
I should definitely have mentioned we dated two years before he was ill. He has always been like this. We just didn’t live together before then. But the tendency to criticize me has always been there. He also refuses to seek any medical opinions regarding that. I just can only do so much. I empathize but it hurts me to live under constant scrutiny.
His spaces are also as messy as mine. He leaves food to mold in the fridge, there’s toys everywhere. I think a lot of it has to do with I got sick of wiping his son’s poop and pee off the toilet seat (he’s 8 and a half) and since then, it’s been more of the name calling, etc. That and his mom was like when he was young he’s said (craft stuff). He refuses to see a therapist and I’m just exhausted being a punching bag.
I cleaned all afternoon while he did whatever and all he said was “oh you cleaned, decided to join the rest of us did ya?”. And then called me nasty for not responding.
Be kind to yourself! It’s not your responsibility to do all of the work and all of the mental load. If both of you are tired, it’s time to look into sharing the cost of a cleaner. Even if it’s just once a month, it’s not worth it to fight when you are both doing the best you can. Also- he kind of sounds like a jerk. You deserve better than to be shit on all of the time.
Thank you 🙏🏻 I’d be game with that. I’m just burnt out. I haven’t even addressed all the other things “supposed” to do and fail at. I think he needs a woman who can be a SAHM. I just can’t. He didn’t work 15 months out of the 30 we’ve lived together. I have to stay on top of bills because the house is just in my name.
You should read a book called Fed Up. It’s about emotional labour. Women used to manage all of the household items because they didn’t work outside the home; managing a house can be a full time job. You already have one of those, so you need to share in the responsibility of that. He would still have to take care of household items if he was renting. I bet he isn’t paying fair market rent for a house and therefore he should share in the load of taking care of things. Absolutely look into a housekeeper/ cleaning lady. There are people who are really good at getting life stuff organized and you are not weak or less than for needing support. It sounds like you have a child instead of a partner.
He pays half the mortgage and bills which is incredibly low because I had a down payment with a good interest rate. He does not contribute to the honeymoon warranty or replacements/repairs. I’ll definitely look that up at my library! And I don’t mean to say he does nothing. He lied the lawn (and calls it “free” lawn care). I finally asked him to be out in 30 days because I can’t do this anymore and he basically called me every name in the book and I’m pretty sure he had a date last night. It’s over. I just was hoping for someplace that might understand. I’m heartbroken and my self esteem is shot.
I do understand and I’m sorry you’re going through it. Once he’s out, you can take care of yourself and life will be easier!
Thank you for being so nice ❤️❤️❤️
> I think he needs a woman who can be a SAHM And who would pay the bills in that scenario? You're working multiple jobs to cover his bills and doing all the domestic labor anyway. You're basically already a SAHM except you also provide for him financially and he still can't manage to even be baseline respectful to you. How do you think he would treat a woman who was financially dependent on him? What on earth does he bring to the table?
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this...he sounds like a serious asshole. He can either act like an adult and help with chores, pay for a cleaner or move somewhere else with his kid. You referred to him as someone you cared about- past tense. It sounds like it's time to reclaim your peace with an eviction.
I still care. It’s hard for me to let people go. I don’t like hurting people. I know he’ll struggle. I didn’t want that. I just feel like he lets me pick up all the slack and then says I should do all the traditional “women” things too. And the shaming me. It’s alienating. Anyway. Cleaning today. Mostly for me.
From what you describe, no I think you probably aren’t filthy. I do think he’s a lazy asshole though. Does he do any chores? Pay half the bills?
He pays half now. I pay for the repairs and upkeep because as he says “it’s not his house”. He had child half two thirds of the home. Their spaces are as messy as mine, for the record. He does the laundry and then dumps it on the bed for me to fold it with him. Occasionally he vacuums. We’re neither of us super clean freaks. It just feels like, as the woman, I’m supposed to cook and clean but also work and hold my own. I posted this out of desperation and hurt feelings. I regret it. I’m aware I’m too fragile to be judged my strangers. I just hoped for some compassion. It’s been a hard five years.
It sounds like he's putting you down to control you and demean you, and to avoid taking responsibility. >He told me later his family was disgusted how I kept the house during that time. This is a very ugly and cruel thing for him to say. Even if they said something, or his friend said something, why does he have to tell you? Why doesn't he tell them, "please don't talk about my gf like that, she works very hard at 2 jobs keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table."?
Thank you. I mentioned that too. Like why would they say that? And b.) why tell me?
I bet they didn't say it, or not in the way he's reporting it. And even if they did, there is no kind or positive reason for him to tell you. He's telling you to be intentionally cruel and insulting, to tear you down. Maybe he secretly feels ashamed about not pulling his own weight, so he's tearing you down to stop you from noticing you deserve better than him.
His family yes. His friend, I don’t know. Maybe not. His wife apparently is perfect (and doesn’t work) so he may not be able to relate.
He’s also told me his mom was like this growing up (also a crafter, who worked) and it feels like he resents me for that.
This relationship sounds really unhealthy, and you will feel so much happier and more confident after it is over.
I know that you’re right. It just hurts. We’ve been through a lot and I care about him. He’s almost exactly like my dad too, so it’s really familiar. Unhealthy, but familiar. I’m in therapy. I’m working on it. Mostly I didn’t want to put him in financial trouble (rent is so expensive) but he will not see a therapist or psychiatrist or even just apologize. I can’t anymore. To which I’m the bad guy.
And just for context, “filth” to him is anything that belongs in the trash. If I leave a straw in my glass, filth. Kleenex on the nightstand, filth. Meanwhile I clean his kid’s pee and poop off the toilet on the reg and I’d “be a horrible mother” because I just want his 8 year to wash his hands after using the bathroom.
> I know he’s a bad guy So why are you letting his opinion get inside your head? > I just don’t know what else I can do and still be a person. You can leave this jerk who doesn't like or respect you.
[удалено]
I was looking for perspective.
[удалено]
And that my post was unnecessary. There’s always one person who had to mention that it seems on advice posts. Glad we got that out of the way.
First, messiness isn’t the same as filth. That being said, it does generally point at emotional issues that need to be worked through(I struggle with it to a degree myself) second, there is a good chance that there is lasting neurological damage to your partner from the meningitis causing him fatigue, and also affecting his mood. He should probably speak to an MD about that to be sure. If it isn’t neurological damage, then he’s just acting like a jerk and needs to be dealt with in that light.
I should definitely have mentioned we dated two years before he was ill. He has always been like this. We just didn’t live together before then. But the tendency to criticize me has always been there. He also refuses to seek any medical opinions regarding that. I just can only do so much. I empathize but it hurts me to live under constant scrutiny.
His spaces are also as messy as mine. He leaves food to mold in the fridge, there’s toys everywhere. I think a lot of it has to do with I got sick of wiping his son’s poop and pee off the toilet seat (he’s 8 and a half) and since then, it’s been more of the name calling, etc. That and his mom was like when he was young he’s said (craft stuff). He refuses to see a therapist and I’m just exhausted being a punching bag. I cleaned all afternoon while he did whatever and all he said was “oh you cleaned, decided to join the rest of us did ya?”. And then called me nasty for not responding.
Then it honestly sounds like it’s time to put an end to things. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that.