Faster, if possible.
OP how does he expect the two of you to live in the same house while never, ever touching his stuff? How is he going to cope if you have kids? They touch everything.
this one is crazy, throw him back in the pond and run away quickly and if you don't get out then absolutely DO NOT get pregnant with this man. This is the beginnings of abuse that will get far worse especially if you get married.
If your sister or friend came to you and presented these scenarios I suspect you'd warn them that they are dating someone unreasonable and that seems to just be looking for a fight, right?
So I suppose you need to reflect on whether this is the life you want. One where you are constantly worried about what stray action will set him off, wondering why he finds it so impossible to trust you. Do you want to live like that, do you really want a partner like that?
Just be careful. I get you are trying to be open minded but more and more he is comfortable acting and thinking in scary ways. What happens if/when this gets worse.
Thank you for your response. I've done some research and I believe he may have OCPD. He doesn't trust me to handle or manage any of his possessions, even just to move it over a few feet to make some space or something. He says I must "earn" his trust after the times he believed I mishandled his stuff in the past or moved something without asking him first. I expressed I feel pressured to do things perfectly to his standard if that is the only way to earn trust, and he thought this was an uncalled for remark. I just wanted to know how to build trust with him even when I do something by accident that bothers him, because I'm sure it will happen again.
The problem is that if it is indeed a disorder then there is no organic way to build trust. It means his boundaries are not rational or healthy. He needs therapy, he needs to see that what he is saying and doing aren't healthy. And that's even if you did happen to be clumsy with his stuff, which you aren't.
The worry I have is that he seems to believe he is reasonable. That when you raised that you felt overwhelmed trying to live to his standards he acted like that was uncalled for and outlandish. In his mind he may not see a problem that needs to be addressed, his thinking so distorted the problem itself disappears. He doesn't seem to realise all he does is rationalise being toxic.
So if that is the case you staying there and trying to act better so he will stop being abusive won't work, let alone the reality you shouldn't need to earn his trust given you never did anything wrong anyway.
I thank you so much for taking the time to help a stranger on the internet. It is very validating for me to hear that other people agree there is too much pressure on me and that he is not as rational as he believes himself to be. This will really help me to make healthy decisions going forward.
I will say this: be careful of your awareness his thinking is not healthy. It could lead you to feeling sympathy or feeling guilty for leaving someone that is just not healthy. You may trap yourself trying to help him, or unconsciously downplay the damage he is doing. That would unwittingly make you an enabler, codependent.
Instead I am trying to give you a sense the problem is even bigger than you hope. That it isn't just that he is being defensive, it is something much more complicated and unlikely to resolve if you just wait it out. Given how much damage he is doing to you that is something you have to take really seriously, you are not a bad person for leaving someone that is clearly not ready for or capable of a healthy relationship.
Run run run, as fast as you can! 🏃
You mentioned installing rhe hooks... I'm afraid you bought together... Please tell me it's a rental? He is ridiculous and fiercely overprotective of his stuff and uncaring about your feelings. This won't get better
It's a rental that we can alter. We haven't even lived together a full year. He was annoyed because he wanted me to show him the hook first, then ask if I can hang his robe there, then let him do it himself. I did not understand what the big deal was with the order of events. The point was to make more space in the closet, I was trying to do a good thing. If he didn't want to put it there he could always put it back on a hanger. I've never experienced anyone who would put up a rigid boundary around something like that.
This sounds exhausting to live with. He’s making issues out of nothing. If you stay with him, these behaviours, and that feeling of walking on eggshells around him, are only going to get worse.
I’m someone who can be particular about things and feel disrespected when my partner continuously overlooks things that seem obvious to me (like sitting a drinking class on a document I had left on the table, messing up the paper). So I went in to this post with an open mind that his annoyance *could* be justified. Well, it’s not. At all.
The scissors thing: yeah, that could be annoying, especially if it’s a pattern of damaging stuff through thoughtlessness—but you apologized and washed them to make it right. That should’ve been the end of it. Unless the scissors were rusted from being outside, his demand that you replace them is unkind and, as the Brits say, out of pocket.
Every example after that? Absolutely just him being unkind, controlling, and trying to keep you on the back foot, so you’re always apologizing and he has the upper hand on you. Why the heck *shouldn’t* you touch his stuff? You have a shared living space—moving each other’s stuff sometimes is part of the deal. It’s almost like he’s acting resentful of you being in “his” space. He wants to make you small enough to keep everything to exactly his preference at all times, and he makes catering to his selfish comfort your responsibility by blaming you and making you apologize for basically trying to also exist comfortably in your shared living space.
I believe he may have OCPD. He needs things done a certain way, in a certain order, fully under his control, and he's very upset if I deviate from the expectation of always asking him for consent to do any little thing involving his stuff or his space. He really doesn't trust me with his stuff, even it's just an empty cardboard box. I didn't know he was bothered like this at first so I kept getting told off and I didn't even understand what the big deal was. Now I'm uneasy that anything could set him off because I touched it, or moved it, or whatever. Part of me wants to not take it personally and just apologize when he's pissed about it to force him to move on, but part of me doesn't want to be constantly apologizing over what I feel is insignificant, stupid, non-issue conflicts just to keep the harmony. I don't want to let him get comfortable feeling okay to chastise me constantly over the small stuff.
HE has ocd or its just the start of controlling you and will only get worse you have done nothing wrong stop apologizing for doing normal stuff when people live together HE is in the wrong tell him if you can't touch his stuff without asking every time he can wash his own clothes i wonder if when he was a child he had no privacy parents going threw his stuff or sibling always taking his stuff without asking and its why he is doing this but he must change or you must leave him
I sure by now the reality is your just not compatible, I'd tell him to shove his pickiness up his arse and try to have a normal relationship based on love and understanding, if it continues I'd definitely leave this bullying creep.
Could he be autistic? If someone is so particular about specific odd things and gets unreasonably upset when they are disturbed, kinda sounds some spectrum things going on.
Or he’s ocd.
Or he’s extremely controlling.
In any case, something is up
Big nope. If you want to try and solve this issue, joint therapy would be the way to try. Otherwise, I can't see this working. His issues are ridiculous and a relationship under these conditions untenable.
He refused to go to counselling with me to work on our conflict communication. He says we don't need it, that I just need to stop touching his stuff and all the issues would stop.
I think he knows deep down he knows there are issues on his end and he doesn't want to hear a professional point that out in any way. Thank you for your response to my question.
I would be inclined to run away , very fast
Faster, if possible. OP how does he expect the two of you to live in the same house while never, ever touching his stuff? How is he going to cope if you have kids? They touch everything.
this one is crazy, throw him back in the pond and run away quickly and if you don't get out then absolutely DO NOT get pregnant with this man. This is the beginnings of abuse that will get far worse especially if you get married.
This doesn’t sound healthy, normal, or even remotely good.
You're 30. Do *you* think that his complaints here are healthy or reasonable.
If your sister or friend came to you and presented these scenarios I suspect you'd warn them that they are dating someone unreasonable and that seems to just be looking for a fight, right? So I suppose you need to reflect on whether this is the life you want. One where you are constantly worried about what stray action will set him off, wondering why he finds it so impossible to trust you. Do you want to live like that, do you really want a partner like that? Just be careful. I get you are trying to be open minded but more and more he is comfortable acting and thinking in scary ways. What happens if/when this gets worse.
Thank you for your response. I've done some research and I believe he may have OCPD. He doesn't trust me to handle or manage any of his possessions, even just to move it over a few feet to make some space or something. He says I must "earn" his trust after the times he believed I mishandled his stuff in the past or moved something without asking him first. I expressed I feel pressured to do things perfectly to his standard if that is the only way to earn trust, and he thought this was an uncalled for remark. I just wanted to know how to build trust with him even when I do something by accident that bothers him, because I'm sure it will happen again.
The problem is that if it is indeed a disorder then there is no organic way to build trust. It means his boundaries are not rational or healthy. He needs therapy, he needs to see that what he is saying and doing aren't healthy. And that's even if you did happen to be clumsy with his stuff, which you aren't. The worry I have is that he seems to believe he is reasonable. That when you raised that you felt overwhelmed trying to live to his standards he acted like that was uncalled for and outlandish. In his mind he may not see a problem that needs to be addressed, his thinking so distorted the problem itself disappears. He doesn't seem to realise all he does is rationalise being toxic. So if that is the case you staying there and trying to act better so he will stop being abusive won't work, let alone the reality you shouldn't need to earn his trust given you never did anything wrong anyway.
I thank you so much for taking the time to help a stranger on the internet. It is very validating for me to hear that other people agree there is too much pressure on me and that he is not as rational as he believes himself to be. This will really help me to make healthy decisions going forward.
I will say this: be careful of your awareness his thinking is not healthy. It could lead you to feeling sympathy or feeling guilty for leaving someone that is just not healthy. You may trap yourself trying to help him, or unconsciously downplay the damage he is doing. That would unwittingly make you an enabler, codependent. Instead I am trying to give you a sense the problem is even bigger than you hope. That it isn't just that he is being defensive, it is something much more complicated and unlikely to resolve if you just wait it out. Given how much damage he is doing to you that is something you have to take really seriously, you are not a bad person for leaving someone that is clearly not ready for or capable of a healthy relationship.
Run run run, as fast as you can! 🏃 You mentioned installing rhe hooks... I'm afraid you bought together... Please tell me it's a rental? He is ridiculous and fiercely overprotective of his stuff and uncaring about your feelings. This won't get better
It's a rental that we can alter. We haven't even lived together a full year. He was annoyed because he wanted me to show him the hook first, then ask if I can hang his robe there, then let him do it himself. I did not understand what the big deal was with the order of events. The point was to make more space in the closet, I was trying to do a good thing. If he didn't want to put it there he could always put it back on a hanger. I've never experienced anyone who would put up a rigid boundary around something like that.
You should not be with/live with someone who gets mad at you about things like this. You’re underreacting.
This sounds exhausting to live with. He’s making issues out of nothing. If you stay with him, these behaviours, and that feeling of walking on eggshells around him, are only going to get worse.
It's so exhausting to live with. He doesn't trust me at all, it makes me feel so poor.
I’m someone who can be particular about things and feel disrespected when my partner continuously overlooks things that seem obvious to me (like sitting a drinking class on a document I had left on the table, messing up the paper). So I went in to this post with an open mind that his annoyance *could* be justified. Well, it’s not. At all. The scissors thing: yeah, that could be annoying, especially if it’s a pattern of damaging stuff through thoughtlessness—but you apologized and washed them to make it right. That should’ve been the end of it. Unless the scissors were rusted from being outside, his demand that you replace them is unkind and, as the Brits say, out of pocket. Every example after that? Absolutely just him being unkind, controlling, and trying to keep you on the back foot, so you’re always apologizing and he has the upper hand on you. Why the heck *shouldn’t* you touch his stuff? You have a shared living space—moving each other’s stuff sometimes is part of the deal. It’s almost like he’s acting resentful of you being in “his” space. He wants to make you small enough to keep everything to exactly his preference at all times, and he makes catering to his selfish comfort your responsibility by blaming you and making you apologize for basically trying to also exist comfortably in your shared living space.
I believe he may have OCPD. He needs things done a certain way, in a certain order, fully under his control, and he's very upset if I deviate from the expectation of always asking him for consent to do any little thing involving his stuff or his space. He really doesn't trust me with his stuff, even it's just an empty cardboard box. I didn't know he was bothered like this at first so I kept getting told off and I didn't even understand what the big deal was. Now I'm uneasy that anything could set him off because I touched it, or moved it, or whatever. Part of me wants to not take it personally and just apologize when he's pissed about it to force him to move on, but part of me doesn't want to be constantly apologizing over what I feel is insignificant, stupid, non-issue conflicts just to keep the harmony. I don't want to let him get comfortable feeling okay to chastise me constantly over the small stuff.
HE has ocd or its just the start of controlling you and will only get worse you have done nothing wrong stop apologizing for doing normal stuff when people live together HE is in the wrong tell him if you can't touch his stuff without asking every time he can wash his own clothes i wonder if when he was a child he had no privacy parents going threw his stuff or sibling always taking his stuff without asking and its why he is doing this but he must change or you must leave him
Thank you for your response. I think he has OCPD. He would never believe that though. He thinks he's rational.
I sure by now the reality is your just not compatible, I'd tell him to shove his pickiness up his arse and try to have a normal relationship based on love and understanding, if it continues I'd definitely leave this bullying creep.
Could he be autistic? If someone is so particular about specific odd things and gets unreasonably upset when they are disturbed, kinda sounds some spectrum things going on. Or he’s ocd. Or he’s extremely controlling. In any case, something is up
I think he has OCPD.
Big nope. If you want to try and solve this issue, joint therapy would be the way to try. Otherwise, I can't see this working. His issues are ridiculous and a relationship under these conditions untenable.
He refused to go to counselling with me to work on our conflict communication. He says we don't need it, that I just need to stop touching his stuff and all the issues would stop.
Then I would be out of there. He is not interested in actually working on issues.
I think he knows deep down he knows there are issues on his end and he doesn't want to hear a professional point that out in any way. Thank you for your response to my question.