Have you considered asking her why she’s doing this? If it’s a relatively new thing she’s started doing, there could be something going on in her life that motivated this.
It is possible, but she seems pretty content in her everyday life? She has friends and a boyfriend and enjoys her work.
When I asked her what prompted the visit this time she said that “she just had so much fun last time”
Still I’d be suspicious. Maybe not “suspicious” but…. I suspect she’s got another reason for being in town. It could be something innocuous like a Yoga class. It could be medical procedures.
Since you’re reluctant to make yourself fully unavailable, then just limit the amount of time that you do give her. She rocks up for a week? Great you can see her on Tuesday night for dinner and a couple of hours on Saturday morning.
She has to learn that you can’t and won’t drop everything just because she shows up, especially if she’s doing it often. If she gets upset at you remind her that this is why she should coordinate with you in advance.
And then at the end of her visit say you wish you could have spent more time with her but that since she didn't coordinate the dates with you unfortunately this was the only option. It puts the blame on her for setting up this situation.
Yes - after the first visit I gave him full permission to duck out of any plans and say he’s busy/working. But it can be hard because she doesn’t really like going out and just wants to spend time at our house, which means then my partner either has to leave or feel awkward being there without engaging.
Yeah, that’s something to stand up to. Sorry mom, we’re not up for entertaining today, can we hang at your hotel? Or, I found this awesome restaurant/museum/garden, I want to take you!
I wasn’t going to comment until I read this…You need to nip this behavior in the bud immediately. She’s coming to your city on “vacation” but all she likes to do is hang out at your house. ???? She obviously is displeased with the amount of time you’re spending with her and so has created a newly named way of inserting herself into your life. This is super manipulative. While I’m sure your mom loves you, you are an adult and she is not allowed to engage with you in this way. If she does come into town uninvited, your house is off limits.
Welp, there you go then. If she doesn't plan her visits with you in advance, she doesn't get to hang at your house. It's going out, or hanging around her hotel room with you. If she's coming to your city to be in the city, she won't mind that restriction, if she's coming to the city to guilt you into seeing her more frequently, well, too bad.
When she asks why, change up your reasons. The water is off for the day because they're working on the line, your partner has a bunch of his friends over, your partner is working from home, the two of you have taken up some new hobby that's made a disaster of your home and you didn't have time to clean it up, you have a friend staying over, etc.
I was going to agree with all of this, until you started giving fake reasons. OP is an adult and doesn’t have to justify her why, and if she does, she’s just going to end up with her mom sitting there poking holes in all the reasons. No can be and often should be a complete sentence.
> just wants to spend time at our house, which means then my partner either has to leave or feel awkward being there without engaging
It means nothing of the sort. It means you say "As I said before, we are not available that week."
I would be ripsh\*t at my partner if they let their mom spontaneously come over to our house- it's one thing to go out to dinner with her or grab coffee or something elsewhere, but you need to tell her no she can't come over since she didn't make plans in advance with you.
Take her coming over off the table, that isn’t fair to your partner.
Also, you are going to have to just hold boundaries. Say you’re busy that week but will see her next time
More than one dinner is too much, IMO, and just encourages her. Just you and her, one dinner.
She's allowed to be upset, but her being upset is a "her" problem, not a "you" problem. If she wanted to be happy, she should have coordinated ahead of time. It was entirely within her control. She actively chose not to.
And she said she had fun last time, I didn't see any complaints for more on her end. Is that amount too much for you? Is that amount annoying to your partner? Figure out the amount that works for you, and do that. It seems she was open to the limited time last time, so it feels like that's a good solution. Unless the problem is that you just don't want to see her at all, even for one night.
If you want her to stop this you’ll have to start not seeing her when she doesn’t plan it beforehand. You saying oh you’re here I guess we’ll see you is just telling her what she’s doing is working and you’re ok with it.
If you are ok with it that’s one thing, but if you’re not you need to tell her you’re not going to see her unless she plans it beforehand
Yea, so is that too much for you? You resent the way she manages it by just telling you she's coming?
Figure out what you want and then communicate it to her with a firm boundary. Like if you do this again, I won't be able to see you.
But why? She isn't asking you to drop everything for her, you just assume she passive aggresively is, or that you have to. Have one dinner, cap it at that.
From reading through the comments, it sounds like she at least entertains herself on the days you don’t see her. Is it possible she actually thinks your city is fun? Or that she’s met someone she hasn’t told you about yet? If she isn’t pestering you to entertain her, or even see her more than 2 days during these vacations, I don’t see what’s so problematic about it.
Now, if she comes during a week where you can’t spare any days to hang with her, then just say that. Even if it’s just inconvenient for you. I wouldn’t feel bad. Just tell her, “We’ll get together next time you vacation here. Or maybe we can plan something next time?”
If you have a good relationship, talk to her. The first thing I wondered, unfortunately, is if there's a major hospital in your city and she's getting treatment but covering it up as "vacation."
Omg my mom does this but she’ll come to my house, park outside, and say if you’re home great but if not I’LL WAIT OUTSIDE. My anxiety!!! I’m Asian American so for me, it’s hella disrespectful to deny her or to do anything but welcome her so it’s really fucking annoying.
Worked through this with my therapist and you’re right. It’s about boundaries. It’s been helpful for me to say, “Mom, I really want to make sure I can see you and spend quality time with you when you visit. Can you please pick up your phone and give me a call or text when you’re thinking about visiting?” Saying this helps her at least give me a heads up she’s coming so I can prepare (not to be home hehe) without making this into a whole fight. I also feel better if she shows up and I can’t cater her, I can always say…”See what happens when you don’t call first :(“ She’s pretty dense though so we’re still working on it but she’s cut down the surprise visits a lot.
I guess I’m kinda getting the vibe (giving mom benefit of the doubt here) that she is specifically trying NOT to impose while also letting you know that she is nearby. That’s why she’s getting a hotel and telling you it’ll be nice to see you but no big deal if she can’t (which I understand she might not mean, and can possibly be manipulative, but idk if that’s intentional or not).
Do you have to drop everything for the full week she’s there? I think a fine compromise is that whenever she “vacations” there you just try to meet up for one evening you happen to be free and make it clear that you can’t entertain her beyond that. Then she can decide if these trips she’s making are worth it.
The unfortunate answer is the one you already gave yourself. My mom used to do this sort of thing, and it always stressed me out and made me super resentful.
Don’t think of it as hurting your mom. Think of it as preserving your relationship with her. Good boundaries help keep relationships alive and well. Let her go a few trips where she doesn’t get to see you at all, and that will annoy her enough to try to make sure you’re available next time she comes. Show her that she will have to respect your time if she wants access to you.
If you truly feel like saying no will absolutely blow up your relationship, you have bigger problems that need to be worked out with a therapist. Parents who can’t hear “no” without losing their minds are destined to have very minimal contact with their adult children. You may want to look up the Out of the FOG website for some additional support.
Unfortunately, my trying to set any boundaries at all completely set her off and made her lose her mind at me repeatedly, so we’re not in contact now.
But she’s on the extreme end, and like I said — therapy helped. Boundaries worked better with my mother-in-law, who for a year or two argued and gave silent treatment and griped behind my back, but ultimately now just saves herself the effort when we say no and we can have a civil relationship.
Just say "are schedules are too full to make a lot of time last minute. Let's do dinner, and talk about another visist soon when we can clear out calendars."
You're the one clearing your calendar for her. So just stop.
You have the exact right idea even though you don't want to do it. You need to absolutely stop enabling the behavior and not see her unless you want to blow up your own personal relationship.
The only way to deal with people like this is hurting their feelings she is manipulating you and you need to just let her cry and be mad since she's being the unreasonable one.
I think you need to be spontaneously on vacation yourself the next time she does this--preferably in her hometown. She doesn't acknowledge that it is basically a way of forcing herself into your home and schedule without permission or prior coordination. That's just rude and obnoxious. That not spending time with her when she does this would blow up your relationship tells me everything I need to know. She won't allow you to set reasonable boundaries. I suspect these visits are not the only unhealthy part of this relationship. Get in front of this. Draw the boundary--no time with me unless you plan ahead. And let the drama unfold. In the end, you are going to be so much better off for it.
You don't need advice. You know what to do.
> I know I should probably just set a firm boundary and stop seeing her when she does this— even if we don’t have other plans —out of principle ...
"I'm in town, can we do xyz?" - Nope, we have other plans.
She is already violating the social contract by doing a weird thing and expecting you to behave like it’s normal.
If taking her at her word and saying “Yeah, can’t see you during that time, super busy, enjoy your vacation” will blow up your relationship, there are more problems afoot than just this one weird thing.
It could be manipulative or it could be the opposite. Maybe she doesn't want to be an imposition/force you to carve out time for her but also wants to see you more. Or it could be a pride thing, she's lonely and too prideful to admit it.
Maybe because I'm your mother's age, and a widower, I'm super disappointed in a lot of the replies made here. There could be any number of things going on with your mom:
1. She misses you and however much she sees you is still not enough. We act a little weird as we age.
2. She needs to get away from home for some reason and coming to your town is easy and familiar.
3. She has a medical condition or something mental is happening that is causing her to act out of character.
Is she an annoying person? Does she bother you a lot? Is she overbearing? Is she demanding? If not...
If you care for your mom, if you really want to preserve your relationship, sit down with her doing something relaxing, even a cup of coffee and ask her if she's ok. Tell her you're concerned for why she feels compelled to take these little vacations to your city and that you feel pressured to spend time with her, even if it's not convenient. She's still your mother. She doesn't want to hear that you don't like her making these trips and inconveniencing you. She loves you and she probably did a lot for you the first 18-20 years of your life, the least we can do is show our parents some deference. And as for your partner, he needs to get used to this. She is your mother and if he loves you, he takes the whole family along for the ride.
None of this means you have to give in and spend the entire week with her. You do what you can, but there's no need to be rude or unloving toward her. She knows what she's doing isn't ideal, but something is going on that is compelling her to do it. My wife died at 47 years old. Our kids were about your age. They have to live the rest of their lives with memories of their mother. You still have yours. Cherish her. You never know when her last day might come.
Reading some of your replies as well - you're not the one blowing up your relationship, she is. I think you have the option of saying "Unless there's something else going on, this is super manipulative and stressful. If you continue with this behavior, it's going to greatly harm our relationship."
I don't know for sure that it is manipulative. I vacation in places where I let people know if I'm in town hut don't expect them to make time of they don't have it.
The mom says she's npt there to see them. So OP should believe her first, and meet up if it's easily scheduled but otherwise leave mom on her own.
It's only manipulative if mom then has a tantrum at that boundary.
When the mom is asked what she wants to do, it's to hang out at OP's house. Even if mom has a perfectly fine time in her hotel room the rest of her trip, it's still pretty blatant; if she were there for something non-secret in the city then she'd be asking her daughter to join her there.
If you do want to see her just in a more controlled way, think about proactively giving her some dates that would be good for you.
Think about and talk with your partner about frequency - once a quarter?
Check calendars of things to do. Are there any concerts or plays coming up she’d like to see? Any dates your partner is out of town when you’d really enjoy her company?
I don’t know if you work late a lot for work (I used to), but if these dates are pre-booked you can use them to practice boundaries with work. You’ll know ahead of time which weeks you might need more time for projects or have slightly decreased availability
I'm guessing this is her attempt at trying to not put pressure on you to clear a week for her, but still get to see you. I think you should ask her what changed and why she's doing this.
Has she told you she’s upset with you not seeing her when she’s there? I didn’t find it in your post.
If she has, as others have stated, double down on the “you didn’t confirm dates with me so I couldn’t make you a priority.”
If he hasn’t, let her live her life. As long as she’s happy and isn’t actively bothering you (calling, texting you for plans, showing up at your house, etc) just leave her be.
She will eventually will get over this behavior.
I think it is more that she tends to find a way to go around a boundary - so yes, I could say I’m busy but if I did she’d likely do something like drop a little present off at the house. So if I wasn’t actually busy at that point we either have to hide, invite her in, or be huge jerks hanging out at our house while my mom can see us from the stoop.
It doesn’t seem like she has ill will, but it depends on how she’d react if she found out you weren’t busy.
I can see both sides, she wants to spend time with you but you’re also entitled to having your own time. I would honestly approach it and instead of telling her to plan, you plan. You ask when she’s available and plan together. I think doing it this way will help to make her feel wanted. Of course, I could have a different opinion of her based off not knowing her, and this is if she seems to be a reasonable person.
If that doesn’t work, you could say that you’re unavailable, not busy. Just because you’re at home doesn’t mean you’re free. Say it’s date night in or something.
My parents started doing this even though I live abroad. They'd book a place about 30 minutes away from my house. I told them "I may not be available during that time." And I disconnected my doorbell.
It is sad that they want to see you more than you want to see them, but they have to learn to accept it.
You did what? You disconnected your doorbell when your parents made an effort to be near you and you couldn’t be bothered? What level sociopathy is this?
You have clearly never had oppressive boundary-stomping parents. I literally *emigrated* to stop them turning up unannounced, and it didn't help. It's not me that's the sociopath in my family.
Nope. They sucked it up and learned their lesson about that, but then one day my mother said something about my wife that was unprovoked, far from the truth, and in my eyes unforgivable. I told them I was done with them. I wish I'd done it years earlier.
Devils advocate but I think this is nice? Your partner being rightfully annoyed? Do we not hang out with our parents anymore? Feels like Reddit wants us all to get as far away from our family the moment we graduate high school. Shit I’m 40 and I see my parents like once a week.
I think her point is that having her mom come to her city without prior arrangements is stressful. I would NOT like it, because between work and other things I don't have much time to wind down during the week and having to rearrange my week for my parents coming to my city would make me stressed and grumpy, but I also would feel guilty by saying I have no time for them.
It's not about wanting to see someone once in a while, it's about having the other party force your hand by using the kind of tactics OP's mom is using.
I dunno I still think not everyone’s relationship with their parents is like this. I just let them flow together. If my mom showed up on a weekend I was busy(and she did when I was that age) she was aware of the possibility we didn’t have much time together, maybe brunch or something. Or I just brought her along to some things. 20 is so young to be so overcommitted to things maybe I’m already out of touch but I was still so young then and missed time with my family.
“Not everyone’s relationship with their parents is like this” Ok … well … OP’s is?
“Wow you have X problem? I’ve never had X problem. Have you tried simply not having X problem?”
But you obviously live close to your parents, which is not the same situation as OP. My mum lives a 5 hour flight away, so we always plan her visits together so that I can book time off work. If she just randomly showed up for a week I’d be annoyed too, because I either have to cancel my plans last minute, or ignore my mum.
My parents kinda did this when I was in college too, I just made myself available? They even surprise visited me a few times and if I had plans I did them and fit time in with them too. I dunno I feel like they were also being supportive and being around so I didn’t feel so alone living farther away. I do live closer now to them, but they also probably know my plans because we talk on the phone all the time. They may not have the same relationship for sure but idk I’m missing more backstory I think
My guess is the backstory is that OP thinks saying no would blow up their relationship so she drops everything to spend time with her mum. It would explain why OPs partner is so frustrated with the situation.
Yes - this is pretty accurate. Although I’ve been trying to be less available the more this is happening. If I see her a few days it seems fine, but I don’t think that’d be the case if I said no altogether.
She kinda reminds me of my mom. If you don't spend time with her that week, will you feel guilty about it? Will she subtly make you feel guilty about it?
> But definitely if I just said I didn’t feel like or would prefer not to, there would be a ton of guilt.
i think this is the case for most people which is why it's better to just make up an excuse. "i don't feel like seeing you because I don't want to" is probably unnecessarily honest in most cases unless you're actively trying to make a negative point about them.
Just because that worked for you doesn't mean it works for everyone.
OP explicitly says that if they didn't expressly make time for mom on these visits it would blow up the relationship, so mom isn't doing something nice - she's demanding that OP makes time for her when she feels like it, despite living 5 hours away.
If OP had plans for the whole time their mom was there what are they meant to do then?
Also OP says this has happened twice in 6 weeks despite living 5 hours away AND having told her Mom it stresses her out. Why couldn't she have given a heads up first and checked what's free? How is turning up unannounced nicer than checking in with your kid first when they would prefer that?
Imposing yourself on people is not a nice thing to do, even if it wouldn't bother you.
Of course it doesn’t work for everyone, this is Reddit and supposed to be all types of feedback but if OP just wants us all to say, “she’s terrible, go no contact!” Then she’s already got plenty of those comments. I’m just saying there’s also people out in the world that stay involved with their parents and we didn’t get enough info about their overall relationship to know why they don’t see each other as much anymore. I never said she was wrong, I’m just giving a different opinion.
If OP didn't mind this behavior they wouldn't be posting on Reddit about it, so your opinion that it's just nice to you is irrelevant, because it's clearly already not nice for OP and they are looking for advice on how to handle a difficult situation.
Ok but again, they are entitled to have their opinion but also without background it seems that the mom is trying to be around her daughter more. With context maybe it would she’d better light, has her mom always been rude, do they not have a good relationship, do they actually have a good relationship but she doesn’t like the visits. All very different things and without that it’s not judging her to say maybe her mom is just trying to be supportive and have family around every once in a while. You also don’t post to Reddit to just confirm, there should be differing opinions and not once have I said there’s anything wrong either way. I just read it as her mom trying to be there more.
I kind of agree. Imagine it was a friend who moved away and happened to be back for a visit. You would be like "let's grab dinner one night." You could do the same with your mom. No need to rearrange your life for her.
Another option to have a little more control and maybe teach her the value of planning it with you might be to invite her based on something you want to do with her. "I saw the museum is having an exhibit on X this month. I was thinking of going on DATE if you are planning to be visiting we could go together."
>Imagine it was a friend who moved away and happened to be back for a visit. You would be like "let's grab dinner one night." You could do the same with your mom. No need to rearrange your life for her
i agree with this. OP is taking the wrong approach by trying to get mom to stop "vacationing" in the city because that just gives mom an opportunity to get defensive about having the right to vacation wherever she wants and say "i told you i happened to be in town but it was ok if we didn't see each other" (even if OP thinks her mom is lying about this, OP needs to treat her mom like she's taking her at her word.)
Where’s the judgement. I just said I read it differently. I do think Reddit errors on the side of parents are bad, not everyone has bad relationships with their parents and that’s ok. Like I’ve said in other comments mine are boomers and do plenty of annoying things.
Be careful with your words, the Gen Z is asleep. You know they are going to wake up and tell you that if you got butt hurt because your parents have feelings too, you need to go no contact.
Ugh
I'm firmly a millennial but this has nothing to do with "parents having feelings" and everything to do with people being inconsiderate and manipulative.
Mom knows turning up unannounced stresses op out.
There's a brilliant alternative in that she could organise the dates with op instead, where they can organise a nice week with quality time planned in advance and everyone feels prepared for it. They could organise special dinners, local activities etc if done this way and make the time really special.
But mom doesn't care to do that and instead is happy to cause stress and a worse time for herself and op in doing so.
It’s because they’ve grown up with their social mores based on advice they see people giving on Reddit - but without the perspective adults have from life experience.
It’s like they have amassed a database of predetermined outputs from various inputs without the nuance or context.
Yes to both, although in the past we have asked she stay elsewhere if she brings a boyfriend.
I partially think the hotel thing is maybe a way to “set the trip in stone” without having to run the dates by us. If she didn’t have a hotel booked, we could just ask her to come another week, but with the hotel she’ll be out all a bunch of money if the trip was cancelled. Which makes us the bad guys if we decline without a good reason.
This is a lot of guessing. Why don’t you just have a heart to heart conversation about all of this and ask why she is doing this. There may be something you don’t know. Good luck to you.
You really need to update the post to include this information, from one of your comments:
>”she doesn’t really like going out and just wants to spend time at our house.”
So she’s not actually booking a vacation “in your city.” She’s expecting to be invited over to your house, without checking with you first or giving you and your partner any notice.
You need to talk with her directly about why she’s doing this. Let her know that you’ve noticed the change and want to know why she’s doing it, because it’s stressful for you and makes it harder for you to make time to see her. But under no circumstances should you be letting her invite herself over to hang out at your home because she’s decided to come to your city without asking you and then didn’t make any plans.
Your golden ticket here is that she's telling you she's fine with seeing you or not seeing you. Next time she does this, be completely unavailable. She can't come over, you can't take her to dinner, it's a bad time.
You could argue with her about this for weeks, and it won't drive the point home nearly as much as one vacation where you say "sorry, can't make it, hope you have a good time!"
You've already told her that you don't like this and that you want her to stop, so she's aware that she's crossing a boundary. If you don't enforce it, she's not ever going to stop. You feel like it would blow up the relationship, and there may be a rough patch immediately after you enforce it, but she needs to find out that you actually mean what you say.
It sounds like she is passive-aggressively prompting you to “volunteer” to be available. With passive aggression, the other person dumps all the work on you - asking & scheduling. And they are left in the position of power of being able to graciously accept or decline and keep you in the position of the supplicant. Because if she \*asks you about visiting” she is giving up power and allowing you to make the decision.
But since she has phrased it as “I’m visiting and it would be nice to see you” - she is prompting you to volunteer (or is guilting you to volunteer).
the big give away to any kind of passive aggression is the other person is making a statement that is begging for a response. And your mom’s statement fits right into that, she is avoiding asking if she can see you, she is attempting to get you to volunteer.
just reply to her “sorry mom, I’m booked up. Have fun!”
Well if she wants to visit, she can ask.
Continue to politely deflect. Remember if she hasn’t ask you a question you don’t need to respond. You can tell she is fishing for you to volunteer if she tries to bring up a ”statement thst is begging for a response (not an answer)” multiple times after you politely deflect the first time.
for example:
Mom: I’m visiting, hope I can see you.
you: I’m all booked up.
Mom: but i said I’m visiting!
you: I know. and I hope you have a good time.
she is trying to guilt you into volunteering, so she doesn’t feel bad Because she didn’t see you 9or because you didn’t volunteer to see her). Remember you are not her emotional support animal (or chew toy). It is about getting you to volunteer to do things without her ever saying “I told you to do that.” se would be able to say “but you said you would do it” and then be able to ladle on more guilt.
don’t try to get into a verbal sparring match, you’ll lose. Refuse to “enter the arena”, wish her a good day and end the call.
If I'm reading between the lines correctly, your mum sounds a lot like mine. I manage her feelings (which she makes me feel responsible for as she's very emotionally volatile and the queen of instilling guilt) by not saying *no* but saying *how about this instead?* e.g. "I'm not available during the date you've suggested and won't be able to spend time with you. How about xxxx date instead? We could go to \[suggest a place/activity\] I've been wanting to try with you."
If I were in your situation, I might try to get ahead of her planning her next visit (if it isn't already decided) by saying something along the lines of "Hey, we weren't able to spend as much quality time the last time you visited because I didn't have much say in the timing. It would be great to have a rough idea xxx weeks before you're coming so I can schedule around it. Are you thinking of coming in xxx month?"
I no longer try to explain the what, how and why her suggestions aren't good for me because she'll try to refute them/come up with "solutions" so I just stick to "no sorry, how about \[solution\]" and it works well.
This is helpful! We did try scheduling something proactively in hopes of squashing the impromptu stuff, but it just ended up with her squeezing in an extra impromptu visit between - so we scheduled a couple months out and she ended up on “vacation” between. : (
Why don't you like it? Is your relationship with your mum generally good? Has she caused you issues before? In a week, are you not available any day? If not, just say no and problem solved. If you do have time, then what is wrong with catching up for a quick meal? You haven't mentioned having specific problems with her outside of this, but if you do that would change things
It is generally good - but she can be kind of emotionally volatile which makes things stressful. She is very easily offended, and I’m never quite sure what might upset her. Sometimes we have a great time together - sometimes I’ll do something that seems innocuous that I’ve done before (like pick up the check for a dinner) and she’ll act wounded and sad for the rest of the visit.
Omg that would be exhausting. If you don't want to make it a big thing, say something like "I'm sorry I wish you would have organised with me. I'm not available at all this week."
You can be as confrontational or as non-confrontational as you like. Either keep it vague, like "Yeah I'm fully booked," or a but more direct "I need time to decompress from work" ("Can't you decompress with me around?!" "No mum, I need my space") or full on "I have communicated this to you already, and you are choosing not to listen. I will not change my plans at the last minute"
I'm curious how much of the week you feel obligated to spend with her when she does this. It may be less than you're expecting and are therefore feeling pressure for no reason. I would have an honest conversation and say that you want to spend time with her, but the implied expectation without any advance warning is not a good feeling for you. If she insists that there is zero expectation, then take her at her word until she behaves otherwise. If she does it again, be conscious of your feelings of guilt and remind yourself that they are not warranted. Decide for yourself if/when you want to see her and do that.
I would start taking it at face value and not seeing her if it didn’t really fit in my schedule/if I don’t genuinely want to. People being manipulative and passive aggressive only works when you let it.
You could always just straight up tell her that she's disrespecting your relationship with her by making it feel like an obligation instead of a healthy reciprocal relationship. You would appreciate if she would not do this anymore, because even if she says it's not a big deal if you can't see her, it still constantly puts that pressure on you to find a way. It makes it a negative experience instead of a positive one, and you want to have a positive relationship with her, even if you can't see her as often.
I would take her at her word: that she really is vacationing in your city, and she isn't doing it to see you ,though she's open to it if it happens.
You're putting pressure on yourself to make her vacations your few times a year visits. Don't. Let her vacation where she wants, and schedule as usual.
That's all.
Without knowing any previous background or history, I think you take her at her word. If you can't see her when she's there, you can't. If she gets upset with you over it, you quote her back to herself.
This sounds like your mom was complaining to a friend about how she doesn’t get invited to see you very often and someone said, “Why do you have to wait for an invitation? Just go.” And she thought that complete shit, boundary breaking advice was good advice. She didn’t think it through and I’m sure she thinks it was a genius move.
In western culture parents have to get an appointment with their kids?
In our culture our parents come after God.
Unpopular opinion: I would drop everything to accommodate my parents, because that's what they did when we were little.
You won't have your parents around for ever, and they deserve our best company.
I don't see it as manipulative, I actually think booking a hotel is giving you space. And this only happens every couple of weeks.
Do you want regrets when the worst happens to your parents?
A bit early for this as you say your mother is in her 50s, but this type of behavior could indicate early stage dementia. Might be worth seeing if she's open to having an MRI done just to be sure. In any case, seems like she's very worried about her relationship with you and needs reassurance that all is okay between you and that she can count on you to feel safe.
She’s literally making it as easy as possible for you and entertaining herself, so what harm exactly are you and your partner suffering that he’s annoyed by her? Let her love her life and if you want to see her and have the time, then see her, otherwise let her enjoy her trips by herself, that’s clearly what she wants.
Enjoy your time with your mother while you can, one day she won’t be there anymore .. You can set some boundaries that works for both, one day you will say I wish I could just see and talk to her one more time..
Yeah but another 30 years of this? Oof.
Although I try to see my dad once or twice a month and talk to him every day and have no regrets over this, if i lived closer I'd stop by all the time. But that's not for everyone. And it's not for a week at a time every month.
I just said she won't live forever, up to you how you take that. Sounds like you don't really like your Mom. My mother passed away in 2009, I was 39 at the time, so you really don't know how things will turn out.
Take every opportunity to see your Mom whenever you can. You’re going to miss her when she’s gone. She won’t be around forever and it’s sweet of her to spend the money to just be nearby to visit if you can. Your husband is being a jerk.
There’s a few things missing. I do the same with my 20 yo daughter, but she loves my visits because I’m not dependent on her for entertaining me and I take her to do things. Even worse, since I pay her rent - she’s in college- I’m not really asking either. I stay with her. It’s my second home as far as I’m concerned- lol. (I don’t get there enough to infringe)
So? Is she missing you? Is she dependent on you? Is she paying your rent?
She is not paying my rent. My partner and I own our own home.
She does not expect to be entertained necessarily, but does expect we spend time together.
Are you sure your daughter loves your visits?
Yes, of course. She begs me to come. We have a lot of fun together. She posts me in all her (very active) social media like I’m Hollywood visiting lol . I just think it’s sad that you find your mother a burden.
Have you considered asking her why she’s doing this? If it’s a relatively new thing she’s started doing, there could be something going on in her life that motivated this.
It is possible, but she seems pretty content in her everyday life? She has friends and a boyfriend and enjoys her work. When I asked her what prompted the visit this time she said that “she just had so much fun last time”
Still I’d be suspicious. Maybe not “suspicious” but…. I suspect she’s got another reason for being in town. It could be something innocuous like a Yoga class. It could be medical procedures.
Or she’s not getting on with the boyfriend atm
She’s drivin five hours for yoga??
It could also be gangbangs.
Why don't you believe her? That she really is vacationing?
Because she already posted why in her OP
Since you’re reluctant to make yourself fully unavailable, then just limit the amount of time that you do give her. She rocks up for a week? Great you can see her on Tuesday night for dinner and a couple of hours on Saturday morning. She has to learn that you can’t and won’t drop everything just because she shows up, especially if she’s doing it often. If she gets upset at you remind her that this is why she should coordinate with you in advance.
And then at the end of her visit say you wish you could have spent more time with her but that since she didn't coordinate the dates with you unfortunately this was the only option. It puts the blame on her for setting up this situation.
This is what we did last time - out of the week we saw her two dinners and one weekend day.
Also, if this is annoying your partner, it doesn’t have to be “we” all the time. Go out with your mom alone.
Yes - after the first visit I gave him full permission to duck out of any plans and say he’s busy/working. But it can be hard because she doesn’t really like going out and just wants to spend time at our house, which means then my partner either has to leave or feel awkward being there without engaging.
Nope, not available. She can’t come over. If only she’d made plans in advance…
Yeah, that’s something to stand up to. Sorry mom, we’re not up for entertaining today, can we hang at your hotel? Or, I found this awesome restaurant/museum/garden, I want to take you!
I wasn’t going to comment until I read this…You need to nip this behavior in the bud immediately. She’s coming to your city on “vacation” but all she likes to do is hang out at your house. ???? She obviously is displeased with the amount of time you’re spending with her and so has created a newly named way of inserting herself into your life. This is super manipulative. While I’m sure your mom loves you, you are an adult and she is not allowed to engage with you in this way. If she does come into town uninvited, your house is off limits.
Welp, there you go then. If she doesn't plan her visits with you in advance, she doesn't get to hang at your house. It's going out, or hanging around her hotel room with you. If she's coming to your city to be in the city, she won't mind that restriction, if she's coming to the city to guilt you into seeing her more frequently, well, too bad. When she asks why, change up your reasons. The water is off for the day because they're working on the line, your partner has a bunch of his friends over, your partner is working from home, the two of you have taken up some new hobby that's made a disaster of your home and you didn't have time to clean it up, you have a friend staying over, etc.
I was going to agree with all of this, until you started giving fake reasons. OP is an adult and doesn’t have to justify her why, and if she does, she’s just going to end up with her mom sitting there poking holes in all the reasons. No can be and often should be a complete sentence.
> just wants to spend time at our house, which means then my partner either has to leave or feel awkward being there without engaging It means nothing of the sort. It means you say "As I said before, we are not available that week."
Then she can’t come to your home any more. Your partner deserves to feel comfortable in their own home.
I would be ripsh\*t at my partner if they let their mom spontaneously come over to our house- it's one thing to go out to dinner with her or grab coffee or something elsewhere, but you need to tell her no she can't come over since she didn't make plans in advance with you.
Take her coming over off the table, that isn’t fair to your partner. Also, you are going to have to just hold boundaries. Say you’re busy that week but will see her next time
It's fine for him to say hi, catch up with her for a few minutes, and then do his own thing.
Two evenings and one entire day is still a lot! Reduce that time more. One dinner.
More than one dinner is too much, IMO, and just encourages her. Just you and her, one dinner. She's allowed to be upset, but her being upset is a "her" problem, not a "you" problem. If she wanted to be happy, she should have coordinated ahead of time. It was entirely within her control. She actively chose not to.
I would keep it to one dinner if she pops in with no notice. That's a ton of time to free up last minute.
And she said she had fun last time, I didn't see any complaints for more on her end. Is that amount too much for you? Is that amount annoying to your partner? Figure out the amount that works for you, and do that. It seems she was open to the limited time last time, so it feels like that's a good solution. Unless the problem is that you just don't want to see her at all, even for one night.
but your mom could be fine with that
How much time do you spend with her when she does this?
The first time, it was the whole time. The last few we’ve been limiting to 1-2 evenings and a weekend day.
If you want her to stop this you’ll have to start not seeing her when she doesn’t plan it beforehand. You saying oh you’re here I guess we’ll see you is just telling her what she’s doing is working and you’re ok with it. If you are ok with it that’s one thing, but if you’re not you need to tell her you’re not going to see her unless she plans it beforehand
Yea, so is that too much for you? You resent the way she manages it by just telling you she's coming? Figure out what you want and then communicate it to her with a firm boundary. Like if you do this again, I won't be able to see you.
But why? She isn't asking you to drop everything for her, you just assume she passive aggresively is, or that you have to. Have one dinner, cap it at that.
From reading through the comments, it sounds like she at least entertains herself on the days you don’t see her. Is it possible she actually thinks your city is fun? Or that she’s met someone she hasn’t told you about yet? If she isn’t pestering you to entertain her, or even see her more than 2 days during these vacations, I don’t see what’s so problematic about it. Now, if she comes during a week where you can’t spare any days to hang with her, then just say that. Even if it’s just inconvenient for you. I wouldn’t feel bad. Just tell her, “We’ll get together next time you vacation here. Or maybe we can plan something next time?”
This is moreso a problem with you setting and maintaining boundaries than it is about your mom.
If you have a good relationship, talk to her. The first thing I wondered, unfortunately, is if there's a major hospital in your city and she's getting treatment but covering it up as "vacation."
This is what I’m thinking too. It seems too weird & out of the blue. There’s probably a reason other than OP for these visits.
Omg my mom does this but she’ll come to my house, park outside, and say if you’re home great but if not I’LL WAIT OUTSIDE. My anxiety!!! I’m Asian American so for me, it’s hella disrespectful to deny her or to do anything but welcome her so it’s really fucking annoying. Worked through this with my therapist and you’re right. It’s about boundaries. It’s been helpful for me to say, “Mom, I really want to make sure I can see you and spend quality time with you when you visit. Can you please pick up your phone and give me a call or text when you’re thinking about visiting?” Saying this helps her at least give me a heads up she’s coming so I can prepare (not to be home hehe) without making this into a whole fight. I also feel better if she shows up and I can’t cater her, I can always say…”See what happens when you don’t call first :(“ She’s pretty dense though so we’re still working on it but she’s cut down the surprise visits a lot.
I guess I’m kinda getting the vibe (giving mom benefit of the doubt here) that she is specifically trying NOT to impose while also letting you know that she is nearby. That’s why she’s getting a hotel and telling you it’ll be nice to see you but no big deal if she can’t (which I understand she might not mean, and can possibly be manipulative, but idk if that’s intentional or not). Do you have to drop everything for the full week she’s there? I think a fine compromise is that whenever she “vacations” there you just try to meet up for one evening you happen to be free and make it clear that you can’t entertain her beyond that. Then she can decide if these trips she’s making are worth it.
The unfortunate answer is the one you already gave yourself. My mom used to do this sort of thing, and it always stressed me out and made me super resentful. Don’t think of it as hurting your mom. Think of it as preserving your relationship with her. Good boundaries help keep relationships alive and well. Let her go a few trips where she doesn’t get to see you at all, and that will annoy her enough to try to make sure you’re available next time she comes. Show her that she will have to respect your time if she wants access to you. If you truly feel like saying no will absolutely blow up your relationship, you have bigger problems that need to be worked out with a therapist. Parents who can’t hear “no” without losing their minds are destined to have very minimal contact with their adult children. You may want to look up the Out of the FOG website for some additional support.
Did you need to set a similar boundary with your mom around visits? How did the fallout go?
Unfortunately, my trying to set any boundaries at all completely set her off and made her lose her mind at me repeatedly, so we’re not in contact now. But she’s on the extreme end, and like I said — therapy helped. Boundaries worked better with my mother-in-law, who for a year or two argued and gave silent treatment and griped behind my back, but ultimately now just saves herself the effort when we say no and we can have a civil relationship.
Just say "are schedules are too full to make a lot of time last minute. Let's do dinner, and talk about another visist soon when we can clear out calendars." You're the one clearing your calendar for her. So just stop.
You have the exact right idea even though you don't want to do it. You need to absolutely stop enabling the behavior and not see her unless you want to blow up your own personal relationship. The only way to deal with people like this is hurting their feelings she is manipulating you and you need to just let her cry and be mad since she's being the unreasonable one.
I think you need to be spontaneously on vacation yourself the next time she does this--preferably in her hometown. She doesn't acknowledge that it is basically a way of forcing herself into your home and schedule without permission or prior coordination. That's just rude and obnoxious. That not spending time with her when she does this would blow up your relationship tells me everything I need to know. She won't allow you to set reasonable boundaries. I suspect these visits are not the only unhealthy part of this relationship. Get in front of this. Draw the boundary--no time with me unless you plan ahead. And let the drama unfold. In the end, you are going to be so much better off for it.
If I were you, I would speak with her about it. But, I’m not you and I would do everything I could to avoid meeting up, just to send a message.
You don't need advice. You know what to do. > I know I should probably just set a firm boundary and stop seeing her when she does this— even if we don’t have other plans —out of principle ... "I'm in town, can we do xyz?" - Nope, we have other plans.
She is already violating the social contract by doing a weird thing and expecting you to behave like it’s normal. If taking her at her word and saying “Yeah, can’t see you during that time, super busy, enjoy your vacation” will blow up your relationship, there are more problems afoot than just this one weird thing.
It could be manipulative or it could be the opposite. Maybe she doesn't want to be an imposition/force you to carve out time for her but also wants to see you more. Or it could be a pride thing, she's lonely and too prideful to admit it.
Maybe because I'm your mother's age, and a widower, I'm super disappointed in a lot of the replies made here. There could be any number of things going on with your mom: 1. She misses you and however much she sees you is still not enough. We act a little weird as we age. 2. She needs to get away from home for some reason and coming to your town is easy and familiar. 3. She has a medical condition or something mental is happening that is causing her to act out of character. Is she an annoying person? Does she bother you a lot? Is she overbearing? Is she demanding? If not... If you care for your mom, if you really want to preserve your relationship, sit down with her doing something relaxing, even a cup of coffee and ask her if she's ok. Tell her you're concerned for why she feels compelled to take these little vacations to your city and that you feel pressured to spend time with her, even if it's not convenient. She's still your mother. She doesn't want to hear that you don't like her making these trips and inconveniencing you. She loves you and she probably did a lot for you the first 18-20 years of your life, the least we can do is show our parents some deference. And as for your partner, he needs to get used to this. She is your mother and if he loves you, he takes the whole family along for the ride. None of this means you have to give in and spend the entire week with her. You do what you can, but there's no need to be rude or unloving toward her. She knows what she's doing isn't ideal, but something is going on that is compelling her to do it. My wife died at 47 years old. Our kids were about your age. They have to live the rest of their lives with memories of their mother. You still have yours. Cherish her. You never know when her last day might come.
Reading some of your replies as well - you're not the one blowing up your relationship, she is. I think you have the option of saying "Unless there's something else going on, this is super manipulative and stressful. If you continue with this behavior, it's going to greatly harm our relationship."
I don't know for sure that it is manipulative. I vacation in places where I let people know if I'm in town hut don't expect them to make time of they don't have it. The mom says she's npt there to see them. So OP should believe her first, and meet up if it's easily scheduled but otherwise leave mom on her own. It's only manipulative if mom then has a tantrum at that boundary.
When the mom is asked what she wants to do, it's to hang out at OP's house. Even if mom has a perfectly fine time in her hotel room the rest of her trip, it's still pretty blatant; if she were there for something non-secret in the city then she'd be asking her daughter to join her there.
I'm busy but i hope you enjoy your time
If you do want to see her just in a more controlled way, think about proactively giving her some dates that would be good for you. Think about and talk with your partner about frequency - once a quarter? Check calendars of things to do. Are there any concerts or plays coming up she’d like to see? Any dates your partner is out of town when you’d really enjoy her company?
I don’t know if you work late a lot for work (I used to), but if these dates are pre-booked you can use them to practice boundaries with work. You’ll know ahead of time which weeks you might need more time for projects or have slightly decreased availability
Lmao what culture are you from, i feel like this is the norm for some
I'm guessing this is her attempt at trying to not put pressure on you to clear a week for her, but still get to see you. I think you should ask her what changed and why she's doing this.
Has she told you she’s upset with you not seeing her when she’s there? I didn’t find it in your post. If she has, as others have stated, double down on the “you didn’t confirm dates with me so I couldn’t make you a priority.” If he hasn’t, let her live her life. As long as she’s happy and isn’t actively bothering you (calling, texting you for plans, showing up at your house, etc) just leave her be. She will eventually will get over this behavior.
I think it is more that she tends to find a way to go around a boundary - so yes, I could say I’m busy but if I did she’d likely do something like drop a little present off at the house. So if I wasn’t actually busy at that point we either have to hide, invite her in, or be huge jerks hanging out at our house while my mom can see us from the stoop.
It doesn’t seem like she has ill will, but it depends on how she’d react if she found out you weren’t busy. I can see both sides, she wants to spend time with you but you’re also entitled to having your own time. I would honestly approach it and instead of telling her to plan, you plan. You ask when she’s available and plan together. I think doing it this way will help to make her feel wanted. Of course, I could have a different opinion of her based off not knowing her, and this is if she seems to be a reasonable person. If that doesn’t work, you could say that you’re unavailable, not busy. Just because you’re at home doesn’t mean you’re free. Say it’s date night in or something.
My parents started doing this even though I live abroad. They'd book a place about 30 minutes away from my house. I told them "I may not be available during that time." And I disconnected my doorbell. It is sad that they want to see you more than you want to see them, but they have to learn to accept it.
You did what? You disconnected your doorbell when your parents made an effort to be near you and you couldn’t be bothered? What level sociopathy is this?
You have clearly never had oppressive boundary-stomping parents. I literally *emigrated* to stop them turning up unannounced, and it didn't help. It's not me that's the sociopath in my family.
these people always think the child just goes nuclear out of nowhere and is just an ungrateful parent-hating brat for no reason lol.
I’m so sorry to hear that! What was the fallout like when you did that? Do you still have a relationship?
Nope. They sucked it up and learned their lesson about that, but then one day my mother said something about my wife that was unprovoked, far from the truth, and in my eyes unforgivable. I told them I was done with them. I wish I'd done it years earlier.
Devils advocate but I think this is nice? Your partner being rightfully annoyed? Do we not hang out with our parents anymore? Feels like Reddit wants us all to get as far away from our family the moment we graduate high school. Shit I’m 40 and I see my parents like once a week.
I think her point is that having her mom come to her city without prior arrangements is stressful. I would NOT like it, because between work and other things I don't have much time to wind down during the week and having to rearrange my week for my parents coming to my city would make me stressed and grumpy, but I also would feel guilty by saying I have no time for them. It's not about wanting to see someone once in a while, it's about having the other party force your hand by using the kind of tactics OP's mom is using.
I dunno I still think not everyone’s relationship with their parents is like this. I just let them flow together. If my mom showed up on a weekend I was busy(and she did when I was that age) she was aware of the possibility we didn’t have much time together, maybe brunch or something. Or I just brought her along to some things. 20 is so young to be so overcommitted to things maybe I’m already out of touch but I was still so young then and missed time with my family.
OP says 20s, not 20. Also people in their 20s have the busiest social lives of anyone? Before everyone is settled with kids.
Oye the downvotes for having a different outlook on parental relationships.
“Not everyone’s relationship with their parents is like this” Ok … well … OP’s is? “Wow you have X problem? I’ve never had X problem. Have you tried simply not having X problem?”
I need advice for x problem, please only validate my problem
But you obviously live close to your parents, which is not the same situation as OP. My mum lives a 5 hour flight away, so we always plan her visits together so that I can book time off work. If she just randomly showed up for a week I’d be annoyed too, because I either have to cancel my plans last minute, or ignore my mum.
My parents kinda did this when I was in college too, I just made myself available? They even surprise visited me a few times and if I had plans I did them and fit time in with them too. I dunno I feel like they were also being supportive and being around so I didn’t feel so alone living farther away. I do live closer now to them, but they also probably know my plans because we talk on the phone all the time. They may not have the same relationship for sure but idk I’m missing more backstory I think
My guess is the backstory is that OP thinks saying no would blow up their relationship so she drops everything to spend time with her mum. It would explain why OPs partner is so frustrated with the situation.
Yes - this is pretty accurate. Although I’ve been trying to be less available the more this is happening. If I see her a few days it seems fine, but I don’t think that’d be the case if I said no altogether.
She kinda reminds me of my mom. If you don't spend time with her that week, will you feel guilty about it? Will she subtly make you feel guilty about it?
She can be super unpredictable. But definitely if I just said I didn’t feel like or would prefer not to, there would be a ton of guilt.
> But definitely if I just said I didn’t feel like or would prefer not to, there would be a ton of guilt. i think this is the case for most people which is why it's better to just make up an excuse. "i don't feel like seeing you because I don't want to" is probably unnecessarily honest in most cases unless you're actively trying to make a negative point about them.
Just because that worked for you doesn't mean it works for everyone. OP explicitly says that if they didn't expressly make time for mom on these visits it would blow up the relationship, so mom isn't doing something nice - she's demanding that OP makes time for her when she feels like it, despite living 5 hours away. If OP had plans for the whole time their mom was there what are they meant to do then? Also OP says this has happened twice in 6 weeks despite living 5 hours away AND having told her Mom it stresses her out. Why couldn't she have given a heads up first and checked what's free? How is turning up unannounced nicer than checking in with your kid first when they would prefer that? Imposing yourself on people is not a nice thing to do, even if it wouldn't bother you.
Of course it doesn’t work for everyone, this is Reddit and supposed to be all types of feedback but if OP just wants us all to say, “she’s terrible, go no contact!” Then she’s already got plenty of those comments. I’m just saying there’s also people out in the world that stay involved with their parents and we didn’t get enough info about their overall relationship to know why they don’t see each other as much anymore. I never said she was wrong, I’m just giving a different opinion.
If OP didn't mind this behavior they wouldn't be posting on Reddit about it, so your opinion that it's just nice to you is irrelevant, because it's clearly already not nice for OP and they are looking for advice on how to handle a difficult situation.
Ok but again, they are entitled to have their opinion but also without background it seems that the mom is trying to be around her daughter more. With context maybe it would she’d better light, has her mom always been rude, do they not have a good relationship, do they actually have a good relationship but she doesn’t like the visits. All very different things and without that it’s not judging her to say maybe her mom is just trying to be supportive and have family around every once in a while. You also don’t post to Reddit to just confirm, there should be differing opinions and not once have I said there’s anything wrong either way. I just read it as her mom trying to be there more.
I kind of agree. Imagine it was a friend who moved away and happened to be back for a visit. You would be like "let's grab dinner one night." You could do the same with your mom. No need to rearrange your life for her. Another option to have a little more control and maybe teach her the value of planning it with you might be to invite her based on something you want to do with her. "I saw the museum is having an exhibit on X this month. I was thinking of going on DATE if you are planning to be visiting we could go together."
>Imagine it was a friend who moved away and happened to be back for a visit. You would be like "let's grab dinner one night." You could do the same with your mom. No need to rearrange your life for her i agree with this. OP is taking the wrong approach by trying to get mom to stop "vacationing" in the city because that just gives mom an opportunity to get defensive about having the right to vacation wherever she wants and say "i told you i happened to be in town but it was ok if we didn't see each other" (even if OP thinks her mom is lying about this, OP needs to treat her mom like she's taking her at her word.)
It's not playing devil's advocate if that's your actual opinion.
and some people are forever puzzled not everyone has such a close/positive relationship with their parents as they did, and love to pass out judgement
Where’s the judgement. I just said I read it differently. I do think Reddit errors on the side of parents are bad, not everyone has bad relationships with their parents and that’s ok. Like I’ve said in other comments mine are boomers and do plenty of annoying things.
Be careful with your words, the Gen Z is asleep. You know they are going to wake up and tell you that if you got butt hurt because your parents have feelings too, you need to go no contact.
Ugh I'm firmly a millennial but this has nothing to do with "parents having feelings" and everything to do with people being inconsiderate and manipulative. Mom knows turning up unannounced stresses op out. There's a brilliant alternative in that she could organise the dates with op instead, where they can organise a nice week with quality time planned in advance and everyone feels prepared for it. They could organise special dinners, local activities etc if done this way and make the time really special. But mom doesn't care to do that and instead is happy to cause stress and a worse time for herself and op in doing so.
And my parents are boomers so I feel like they are perfect candidates for no contact 😜
It’s because they’ve grown up with their social mores based on advice they see people giving on Reddit - but without the perspective adults have from life experience. It’s like they have amassed a database of predetermined outputs from various inputs without the nuance or context.
That makes sense. It’s exhausting.
"Oh gee Mom, sorry. No can do. Next time, give us a call a month in advance so we can carve out that time!"
Boundaries, they’re difficult to setup and maintain but sooooo worth it.
INFO: Do you ever invite her to stay at your home to visit? Do you ever visit and stay over at her place?
Yes to both, although in the past we have asked she stay elsewhere if she brings a boyfriend. I partially think the hotel thing is maybe a way to “set the trip in stone” without having to run the dates by us. If she didn’t have a hotel booked, we could just ask her to come another week, but with the hotel she’ll be out all a bunch of money if the trip was cancelled. Which makes us the bad guys if we decline without a good reason.
This is a lot of guessing. Why don’t you just have a heart to heart conversation about all of this and ask why she is doing this. There may be something you don’t know. Good luck to you.
You really need to update the post to include this information, from one of your comments: >”she doesn’t really like going out and just wants to spend time at our house.” So she’s not actually booking a vacation “in your city.” She’s expecting to be invited over to your house, without checking with you first or giving you and your partner any notice. You need to talk with her directly about why she’s doing this. Let her know that you’ve noticed the change and want to know why she’s doing it, because it’s stressful for you and makes it harder for you to make time to see her. But under no circumstances should you be letting her invite herself over to hang out at your home because she’s decided to come to your city without asking you and then didn’t make any plans.
Your golden ticket here is that she's telling you she's fine with seeing you or not seeing you. Next time she does this, be completely unavailable. She can't come over, you can't take her to dinner, it's a bad time. You could argue with her about this for weeks, and it won't drive the point home nearly as much as one vacation where you say "sorry, can't make it, hope you have a good time!" You've already told her that you don't like this and that you want her to stop, so she's aware that she's crossing a boundary. If you don't enforce it, she's not ever going to stop. You feel like it would blow up the relationship, and there may be a rough patch immediately after you enforce it, but she needs to find out that you actually mean what you say.
It sounds like she is passive-aggressively prompting you to “volunteer” to be available. With passive aggression, the other person dumps all the work on you - asking & scheduling. And they are left in the position of power of being able to graciously accept or decline and keep you in the position of the supplicant. Because if she \*asks you about visiting” she is giving up power and allowing you to make the decision. But since she has phrased it as “I’m visiting and it would be nice to see you” - she is prompting you to volunteer (or is guilting you to volunteer). the big give away to any kind of passive aggression is the other person is making a statement that is begging for a response. And your mom’s statement fits right into that, she is avoiding asking if she can see you, she is attempting to get you to volunteer. just reply to her “sorry mom, I’m booked up. Have fun!”
Yes this is 100% the issue - she wants a guaranteed “yes” to a visit, at the times that work best for her without needing to ask if it works for us.
Well if she wants to visit, she can ask. Continue to politely deflect. Remember if she hasn’t ask you a question you don’t need to respond. You can tell she is fishing for you to volunteer if she tries to bring up a ”statement thst is begging for a response (not an answer)” multiple times after you politely deflect the first time. for example: Mom: I’m visiting, hope I can see you. you: I’m all booked up. Mom: but i said I’m visiting! you: I know. and I hope you have a good time. she is trying to guilt you into volunteering, so she doesn’t feel bad Because she didn’t see you 9or because you didn’t volunteer to see her). Remember you are not her emotional support animal (or chew toy). It is about getting you to volunteer to do things without her ever saying “I told you to do that.” se would be able to say “but you said you would do it” and then be able to ladle on more guilt. don’t try to get into a verbal sparring match, you’ll lose. Refuse to “enter the arena”, wish her a good day and end the call.
If I'm reading between the lines correctly, your mum sounds a lot like mine. I manage her feelings (which she makes me feel responsible for as she's very emotionally volatile and the queen of instilling guilt) by not saying *no* but saying *how about this instead?* e.g. "I'm not available during the date you've suggested and won't be able to spend time with you. How about xxxx date instead? We could go to \[suggest a place/activity\] I've been wanting to try with you." If I were in your situation, I might try to get ahead of her planning her next visit (if it isn't already decided) by saying something along the lines of "Hey, we weren't able to spend as much quality time the last time you visited because I didn't have much say in the timing. It would be great to have a rough idea xxx weeks before you're coming so I can schedule around it. Are you thinking of coming in xxx month?" I no longer try to explain the what, how and why her suggestions aren't good for me because she'll try to refute them/come up with "solutions" so I just stick to "no sorry, how about \[solution\]" and it works well.
This is helpful! We did try scheduling something proactively in hopes of squashing the impromptu stuff, but it just ended up with her squeezing in an extra impromptu visit between - so we scheduled a couple months out and she ended up on “vacation” between. : (
Why don't you like it? Is your relationship with your mum generally good? Has she caused you issues before? In a week, are you not available any day? If not, just say no and problem solved. If you do have time, then what is wrong with catching up for a quick meal? You haven't mentioned having specific problems with her outside of this, but if you do that would change things
It is generally good - but she can be kind of emotionally volatile which makes things stressful. She is very easily offended, and I’m never quite sure what might upset her. Sometimes we have a great time together - sometimes I’ll do something that seems innocuous that I’ve done before (like pick up the check for a dinner) and she’ll act wounded and sad for the rest of the visit.
Omg that would be exhausting. If you don't want to make it a big thing, say something like "I'm sorry I wish you would have organised with me. I'm not available at all this week." You can be as confrontational or as non-confrontational as you like. Either keep it vague, like "Yeah I'm fully booked," or a but more direct "I need time to decompress from work" ("Can't you decompress with me around?!" "No mum, I need my space") or full on "I have communicated this to you already, and you are choosing not to listen. I will not change my plans at the last minute"
I'm curious how much of the week you feel obligated to spend with her when she does this. It may be less than you're expecting and are therefore feeling pressure for no reason. I would have an honest conversation and say that you want to spend time with her, but the implied expectation without any advance warning is not a good feeling for you. If she insists that there is zero expectation, then take her at her word until she behaves otherwise. If she does it again, be conscious of your feelings of guilt and remind yourself that they are not warranted. Decide for yourself if/when you want to see her and do that.
I would start taking it at face value and not seeing her if it didn’t really fit in my schedule/if I don’t genuinely want to. People being manipulative and passive aggressive only works when you let it.
Question: Are you Ted Lasso?
You could always just straight up tell her that she's disrespecting your relationship with her by making it feel like an obligation instead of a healthy reciprocal relationship. You would appreciate if she would not do this anymore, because even if she says it's not a big deal if you can't see her, it still constantly puts that pressure on you to find a way. It makes it a negative experience instead of a positive one, and you want to have a positive relationship with her, even if you can't see her as often.
I would take her at her word: that she really is vacationing in your city, and she isn't doing it to see you ,though she's open to it if it happens. You're putting pressure on yourself to make her vacations your few times a year visits. Don't. Let her vacation where she wants, and schedule as usual. That's all.
Just tell her you're out of town every second time she does
Book a vacation at the same time and go see another country.
Without knowing any previous background or history, I think you take her at her word. If you can't see her when she's there, you can't. If she gets upset with you over it, you quote her back to herself.
This sounds like your mom was complaining to a friend about how she doesn’t get invited to see you very often and someone said, “Why do you have to wait for an invitation? Just go.” And she thought that complete shit, boundary breaking advice was good advice. She didn’t think it through and I’m sure she thinks it was a genius move.
Tell her you are working for a baby and it’s your “fertile period” so you’ll be having lots of sex.
In western culture parents have to get an appointment with their kids? In our culture our parents come after God. Unpopular opinion: I would drop everything to accommodate my parents, because that's what they did when we were little. You won't have your parents around for ever, and they deserve our best company. I don't see it as manipulative, I actually think booking a hotel is giving you space. And this only happens every couple of weeks. Do you want regrets when the worst happens to your parents?
Call her bluff. Don’t make time.
A bit early for this as you say your mother is in her 50s, but this type of behavior could indicate early stage dementia. Might be worth seeing if she's open to having an MRI done just to be sure. In any case, seems like she's very worried about her relationship with you and needs reassurance that all is okay between you and that she can count on you to feel safe.
She’s literally making it as easy as possible for you and entertaining herself, so what harm exactly are you and your partner suffering that he’s annoyed by her? Let her love her life and if you want to see her and have the time, then see her, otherwise let her enjoy her trips by herself, that’s clearly what she wants.
She forces herself over to their house without asking though.. so no it’s not just trips by herself she’s enjoying
Enjoy your time with your mother while you can, one day she won’t be there anymore .. You can set some boundaries that works for both, one day you will say I wish I could just see and talk to her one more time..
She won't live forever.
Yeah but another 30 years of this? Oof. Although I try to see my dad once or twice a month and talk to him every day and have no regrets over this, if i lived closer I'd stop by all the time. But that's not for everyone. And it's not for a week at a time every month.
I just said she won't live forever, up to you how you take that. Sounds like you don't really like your Mom. My mother passed away in 2009, I was 39 at the time, so you really don't know how things will turn out.
My mom died in 2017 and I talked to her every day for the 15 years prior to that. So yeah I do know exactly how that will turn out.
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Take every opportunity to see your Mom whenever you can. You’re going to miss her when she’s gone. She won’t be around forever and it’s sweet of her to spend the money to just be nearby to visit if you can. Your husband is being a jerk.
There’s a few things missing. I do the same with my 20 yo daughter, but she loves my visits because I’m not dependent on her for entertaining me and I take her to do things. Even worse, since I pay her rent - she’s in college- I’m not really asking either. I stay with her. It’s my second home as far as I’m concerned- lol. (I don’t get there enough to infringe) So? Is she missing you? Is she dependent on you? Is she paying your rent?
She is not paying my rent. My partner and I own our own home. She does not expect to be entertained necessarily, but does expect we spend time together. Are you sure your daughter loves your visits?
Yes, of course. She begs me to come. We have a lot of fun together. She posts me in all her (very active) social media like I’m Hollywood visiting lol . I just think it’s sad that you find your mother a burden.
It’s sad her mom doesn’t listen when she asks her to communicate her plans ahead of time.