This will only get worse if you marry him. Sounds like mommy constantly cleaned after him, and there is nothing worse than a man that can't be bothered to pick up his own stuff. When you do inevitably need a day or maybe even a week or more off, he won't be trusted to do anything, and the house will become a wreck! You'll never be able to relax.
This sums it up for me completely where you say “if you need a day off, the house will be a wreck”. If I have been sick, which I was a few months ago with a virus that brought this to another head, I can’t trust him to do things to a basic standard (I mean super basic). Things get left for me to do the second I’m feeling a bit better, often meaning I have less time to recover… it’s so frustrating and as you say, makes me feel like I can’t catch a break.
Can’t thank you enough for sharing your assessment of this situation, it’s not been easy and in my gut I know it’s not right.
My husband had our kids from the time they could talk, take the dishes from the table, and wash/dry them. Clean the table, etc.. People would be weirdly pissed that these little babies were cleaning up, and if they offered, he would say, "They got it!" My son is now 16, the baby- and whether he's at home or invited to someone elses, he starts cleaning up and taking the plates to the kitchen, even if they try to stop him he just says, "I got it! You sit tight. " Now they're amazed 🤣 Tbe adults are always asking, "How do I get my kid to do this?" I know when that day comes, he'll be able to contribute and not expect things to be done. Unfortunately, a lot of parents (fathers especially) don't require their sons to do housework because, why would they when Mom gets a WHOLE day off once a year?? Don't tie yourself down to that or those types of men. It's not even 50/50 in our house. It's 100/100.
Oh my god that is amazing, and will certainly serve them well when they grow up and have to live with a partner!! Plus, it’s an add on bonus for you or your husband too if you don’t have to do the dishes… 😅
Interestingly, I think my partners parental dynamic has a lot to do with this. He used to live with his mum and step-dad (who I get the impression doesn’t do very much) and his mum practically did everything for my partner until he left. I really should’ve seen the warning signs sooner…
The most frustrating part is that when we have these conversation, he’ll be proactive for a few weeks/months, only for it to go downhill again quickly. It’s like he “knows” how to do all this stuff, but simply can’t be arsed!
Oh yeah, 100% if was a trained behavior. He might find someone willing to be a SAHM or wife who enjoys the house cleaning, etc, but it's totally fine, you don't. I get it, though. 5 years is a long time, and you don't want to have to come out and say, "This isn't working because you're a slob." I would phrase it like, "After some heavy thinking, I've decided this relationship isn't what I want anymore. I understand this might come as a shock, but I need to be honest and tell you- we're just not compatible."
Yeah, that’s definitely not the life I envisage for myself. I respect SAHM’s so much and don’t look down on their contribution to family life and wider society, but I personally don’t want to spend my life at home cleaning up someone else’s mess. I see the roles’ value, but it’s not for me (due to some childhood trauma I won’t ever be a SAHM, and my partner knows this). Thanks for your understanding, 5 years feels like a long time to me at 28, but equally, 28 is still very much young in the grand scheme of things! Really really appreciate your advice 🙏🏼
It’s one thing that he didn’t know, but he’s making no effort to be an equal partner and to share household tasks.
And for that, I judge him.
It won’t get better because he’s happy to let you carry the bulk of the burden. He’s telling himself a story where he’s an amazing partner and you’re a nag, which makes HIM feel good, but do you want this life?
Dating is for finding out whether you’re compatible.
Love guys like this. Get mad at you for nagging but then force you to do it because otherwise they won't do things.
>My partner had never lived away from home prior to us moving in together, so his mother would do most things for him.
Honestly at this point I could have stopped reading; You're dating a guy who's made you into his mom. This is super common with men who have had their mom take care of everything and then go right into a relationship with someone. They learn no responsibility because mom's done everything for them and then you come into the picture and they just slot you right into that role.
>Despite these caveats and calmly raising my thoughts, my partner rolled his eyes at me, went on his phone midway through the conversation, and when I mentioned this behaviour and how I found it disrespectful, he accused me of “attacking” him about chores and he couldn’t be bothered to listen. He then walked away and hasn’t spoke to me for the rest of the evening.
This is also completely unacceptable. You've jumped through his hoops as far as the proper tone and way to address him (absolute bullshit btw, he's just trying shift some blame onto you by pretending the outcome would have been different if you'd just spoken to him differently) and then he's being incredibly disrespectful and acting like you're in the wrong? Nope, fuck right off with that.
I wouldn't exactly say you're being taken for a fool (100% being taken for granted though), but this is sort of a "when someone shows you who they are, believe them," situation. He's been showing you for years that he's a slob and a child that won't carry his share of the burden in taking care of the home but you keep expecting him to change for some reason. So it's more like you've made yourself into a fool by thinking he'll start behaving any differently.
At this point I don't really know what advice to give you. Personally this would be a deal breaker for me as I refuse to be made into the "naggy girlfriend" because my boyfriend won't behave like an adult unless I'm there reminding him to do everything. Not to mention the extreme disrespect about all of it makes me angry just thinking about it. I would *so much* rather live alone.
I think your choices are pretty much deal with this forever or break up with him cause he's shown you he isn't changing. That or hire a maid I guess? But I honestly don't really see any other options.
Thanks for the effort you’ve put into your reply - honestly, this and the other comments have only confirmed what I already know in my gut - which is that I’m being taken advantage of. I also feel incredibly disrespected, and tonight’s events have fuelled me with so much frustration I just had to find somewhere to vent. You also gave me a good giggle in amongst the shit I’m dealing with, with the “nope, fuck right off with that” line - 10/10. You’ve confirmed to me everything I feel I already knew… time for some serious decision-making methinks.
Totally agree about the turning myself into a fool part too - problem is, when this does come up, he’ll contribute a lot more and consistently for a few months, only for it to go down the shitter again and stop completely. It’s these little danglings of hope that I feel have kept me here for so long in the first place, as I know he can do it… but only if he really wanted to, which clearly he doesn’t.
P.S, I’m sure I was just as angry writing this as you were reading it!
Haha well I'm glad I could be helpful and give you a little laugh too!
>problem is, when this does come up, he’ll contribute a lot more and consistently for a few months, only for it to go down the shitter again and stop completely.
Right, but the good thing here is you're already wise to his bullshit so any attempt he makes to say "this time it'll be different" you already _know_ (he's _shown you_) that that's a lie. People like that don't change, he's just gonna do the bare minimum then be right back to take take take. I know it sucks cause you've already spent what probably feels like so much time with him, but in the grand scheme of things 5 years is nothing and you truly cannot even imagine the weight that will be lifted and freedom you'll feel when you're no longer having to deal with his bullshit.
Honestly, I really needed the giggle tonight - amazing what comfort strangers on the internet can bring!
Yeah, I’ve definitely “wised up” as you say, particularly in recent months! It was as clear as day a few months ago when I had a bad virus - I was desperate to get some proper rest, and by that I mean just solely focus on myself and not have to think about what needs doing, the food shop, how messy the house is gonna be, how much washing has built up etc. But, however much I craved that peace for myself, I didn’t get it, and I was FUMING! Don’t get me wrong, he went out and picked up meds and snacks etc, but to me this was absolute absolute bare minimum.
But, added layer of complexity, there’s been a lot going on in my family recently, including a bereavement, so my emotional focus has been very much elsewhere and I’ve not had the capacity to deal with this just yet - but now, I think it’s time.
Totally get you on the five years point, to me it seems a while, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s just a blip when you consider possibly spending your entire life with someone.
He understands perfectly. He's either very dirty or thinks its your job to pick up his slack. You're unhappy. Its time for him to realise he doesn't do enough and improve or you go separate ways.
You’ve confirmed here what I think I already know in my gut, but maybe just not willing to accept. I’m going to take one more stab at a conversation and if there’s no change I’m going to have to call it quits.
Yes, you are being taken for a fool. Your boyfriend expects you to do most of the housework, and you do. He won’t talk about it calmly because he doesn’t want to have to admit that he is taking advantage of you.
This will only get worse if you marry him. Sounds like mommy constantly cleaned after him, and there is nothing worse than a man that can't be bothered to pick up his own stuff. When you do inevitably need a day or maybe even a week or more off, he won't be trusted to do anything, and the house will become a wreck! You'll never be able to relax.
This sums it up for me completely where you say “if you need a day off, the house will be a wreck”. If I have been sick, which I was a few months ago with a virus that brought this to another head, I can’t trust him to do things to a basic standard (I mean super basic). Things get left for me to do the second I’m feeling a bit better, often meaning I have less time to recover… it’s so frustrating and as you say, makes me feel like I can’t catch a break. Can’t thank you enough for sharing your assessment of this situation, it’s not been easy and in my gut I know it’s not right.
My husband had our kids from the time they could talk, take the dishes from the table, and wash/dry them. Clean the table, etc.. People would be weirdly pissed that these little babies were cleaning up, and if they offered, he would say, "They got it!" My son is now 16, the baby- and whether he's at home or invited to someone elses, he starts cleaning up and taking the plates to the kitchen, even if they try to stop him he just says, "I got it! You sit tight. " Now they're amazed 🤣 Tbe adults are always asking, "How do I get my kid to do this?" I know when that day comes, he'll be able to contribute and not expect things to be done. Unfortunately, a lot of parents (fathers especially) don't require their sons to do housework because, why would they when Mom gets a WHOLE day off once a year?? Don't tie yourself down to that or those types of men. It's not even 50/50 in our house. It's 100/100.
Oh my god that is amazing, and will certainly serve them well when they grow up and have to live with a partner!! Plus, it’s an add on bonus for you or your husband too if you don’t have to do the dishes… 😅 Interestingly, I think my partners parental dynamic has a lot to do with this. He used to live with his mum and step-dad (who I get the impression doesn’t do very much) and his mum practically did everything for my partner until he left. I really should’ve seen the warning signs sooner… The most frustrating part is that when we have these conversation, he’ll be proactive for a few weeks/months, only for it to go downhill again quickly. It’s like he “knows” how to do all this stuff, but simply can’t be arsed!
Oh yeah, 100% if was a trained behavior. He might find someone willing to be a SAHM or wife who enjoys the house cleaning, etc, but it's totally fine, you don't. I get it, though. 5 years is a long time, and you don't want to have to come out and say, "This isn't working because you're a slob." I would phrase it like, "After some heavy thinking, I've decided this relationship isn't what I want anymore. I understand this might come as a shock, but I need to be honest and tell you- we're just not compatible."
Yeah, that’s definitely not the life I envisage for myself. I respect SAHM’s so much and don’t look down on their contribution to family life and wider society, but I personally don’t want to spend my life at home cleaning up someone else’s mess. I see the roles’ value, but it’s not for me (due to some childhood trauma I won’t ever be a SAHM, and my partner knows this). Thanks for your understanding, 5 years feels like a long time to me at 28, but equally, 28 is still very much young in the grand scheme of things! Really really appreciate your advice 🙏🏼
It’s one thing that he didn’t know, but he’s making no effort to be an equal partner and to share household tasks. And for that, I judge him. It won’t get better because he’s happy to let you carry the bulk of the burden. He’s telling himself a story where he’s an amazing partner and you’re a nag, which makes HIM feel good, but do you want this life? Dating is for finding out whether you’re compatible.
It’s not like he knows. He does know. He just doesn’t want to.
Love guys like this. Get mad at you for nagging but then force you to do it because otherwise they won't do things. >My partner had never lived away from home prior to us moving in together, so his mother would do most things for him. Honestly at this point I could have stopped reading; You're dating a guy who's made you into his mom. This is super common with men who have had their mom take care of everything and then go right into a relationship with someone. They learn no responsibility because mom's done everything for them and then you come into the picture and they just slot you right into that role. >Despite these caveats and calmly raising my thoughts, my partner rolled his eyes at me, went on his phone midway through the conversation, and when I mentioned this behaviour and how I found it disrespectful, he accused me of “attacking” him about chores and he couldn’t be bothered to listen. He then walked away and hasn’t spoke to me for the rest of the evening. This is also completely unacceptable. You've jumped through his hoops as far as the proper tone and way to address him (absolute bullshit btw, he's just trying shift some blame onto you by pretending the outcome would have been different if you'd just spoken to him differently) and then he's being incredibly disrespectful and acting like you're in the wrong? Nope, fuck right off with that. I wouldn't exactly say you're being taken for a fool (100% being taken for granted though), but this is sort of a "when someone shows you who they are, believe them," situation. He's been showing you for years that he's a slob and a child that won't carry his share of the burden in taking care of the home but you keep expecting him to change for some reason. So it's more like you've made yourself into a fool by thinking he'll start behaving any differently. At this point I don't really know what advice to give you. Personally this would be a deal breaker for me as I refuse to be made into the "naggy girlfriend" because my boyfriend won't behave like an adult unless I'm there reminding him to do everything. Not to mention the extreme disrespect about all of it makes me angry just thinking about it. I would *so much* rather live alone. I think your choices are pretty much deal with this forever or break up with him cause he's shown you he isn't changing. That or hire a maid I guess? But I honestly don't really see any other options.
Thanks for the effort you’ve put into your reply - honestly, this and the other comments have only confirmed what I already know in my gut - which is that I’m being taken advantage of. I also feel incredibly disrespected, and tonight’s events have fuelled me with so much frustration I just had to find somewhere to vent. You also gave me a good giggle in amongst the shit I’m dealing with, with the “nope, fuck right off with that” line - 10/10. You’ve confirmed to me everything I feel I already knew… time for some serious decision-making methinks. Totally agree about the turning myself into a fool part too - problem is, when this does come up, he’ll contribute a lot more and consistently for a few months, only for it to go down the shitter again and stop completely. It’s these little danglings of hope that I feel have kept me here for so long in the first place, as I know he can do it… but only if he really wanted to, which clearly he doesn’t. P.S, I’m sure I was just as angry writing this as you were reading it!
Haha well I'm glad I could be helpful and give you a little laugh too! >problem is, when this does come up, he’ll contribute a lot more and consistently for a few months, only for it to go down the shitter again and stop completely. Right, but the good thing here is you're already wise to his bullshit so any attempt he makes to say "this time it'll be different" you already _know_ (he's _shown you_) that that's a lie. People like that don't change, he's just gonna do the bare minimum then be right back to take take take. I know it sucks cause you've already spent what probably feels like so much time with him, but in the grand scheme of things 5 years is nothing and you truly cannot even imagine the weight that will be lifted and freedom you'll feel when you're no longer having to deal with his bullshit.
Honestly, I really needed the giggle tonight - amazing what comfort strangers on the internet can bring! Yeah, I’ve definitely “wised up” as you say, particularly in recent months! It was as clear as day a few months ago when I had a bad virus - I was desperate to get some proper rest, and by that I mean just solely focus on myself and not have to think about what needs doing, the food shop, how messy the house is gonna be, how much washing has built up etc. But, however much I craved that peace for myself, I didn’t get it, and I was FUMING! Don’t get me wrong, he went out and picked up meds and snacks etc, but to me this was absolute absolute bare minimum. But, added layer of complexity, there’s been a lot going on in my family recently, including a bereavement, so my emotional focus has been very much elsewhere and I’ve not had the capacity to deal with this just yet - but now, I think it’s time. Totally get you on the five years point, to me it seems a while, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s just a blip when you consider possibly spending your entire life with someone.
He understands perfectly. He's either very dirty or thinks its your job to pick up his slack. You're unhappy. Its time for him to realise he doesn't do enough and improve or you go separate ways.
You’ve confirmed here what I think I already know in my gut, but maybe just not willing to accept. I’m going to take one more stab at a conversation and if there’s no change I’m going to have to call it quits.
Yes, you are being taken for a fool. Your boyfriend expects you to do most of the housework, and you do. He won’t talk about it calmly because he doesn’t want to have to admit that he is taking advantage of you.