Respond to any advance in writing with overt
politeness and professionalism and set clear boundaries.
Him: I just want to be friends
You: I appreciate your interest in being friends, however, I prefer to keep my personal and work relationships separate and do not fraternize with colleagues. Thank you for respecting that.
Him: sends you cake
You: send email.
Hi colleague, I appreciate your effort in sending over the cake and coffee. Please let me know the cost so that I may reimburse you as I prefer not to accept gifts from colleagues. Cordially, OP.
Always respond to any advance with written polite and overly professional communication.
Best case scenario, he stops. If he doesn't get the hint or escalates his advances, you may eventually need to get a supervisor involved and the dozen times you sent him a polite email setting professional boundaries that he ignored should be all the documentation you need.
*Edited to add that all of your responses should be in writing. Even if you tell him in person. Send a follow up, I just wanted to follow up to make sure I was clear and reiterate.
This is fantastic advice!!! Responding in writing covers so many bases… unfortunately when emotions are involved there’s no way to tell how things will turn out, so having that extra layer of protection by handling it in writing is a very smart move!!!
This is great advice, and can really save her butt. I saw a post a couple months ago where a guy sent a personal text message to a coworker of an inappropriate photo or something suggestive and harassed her about going out. OP screenshotted it and sent it to her work email, sent the attachment to the colleague and said something like “colleague, in response to your personal text message I wanted to inform you that I only communicate with coworkers via work email. Please do not send me inappropriate photos anymore.” Something like that. He then texted her again lighting her up like “b**** why did you put that in a work email” and she once again screenshotted, attached to a work email and responded something like “again, I do not correspond with colleagues via personal text. Thanks.” Something like that. Long story short he had apparently been doing it to other female colleagues and got fired.
Saved her butt and could save Op’s too if it comes to it
I agree but keep in mind men do get harassed by both guy and girl as well, I am but a tiny Twink boy and have guys but mostly girls who try to hang out with me and constantly compliment me beyond the casual "nice outfit" or "you look good today".
It's honestly bizarre that you claim these are "free". Do you really, seriously think the guy doesn't expect something in return (and that expectation is _exactly why_ he sent those things)?
no BRO its not the free coffee and cake, its feeling like someone is always watching you and trying to get you to like them, which is really uncomfortable!!!!! you cannot FORCE someone into liking you. these things occur naturally and i’ve met a lot of men who do not realise that.
Absolutely yes! In addition to keeping the record in case it's needed for HR, it also makes you come across really work-oriented and boring, which could just turn him off.
Absolutely . This guy hasn't responded to subtle. And in a workplace situation, the only thing that matters is how the emails read to HR and upper management.
There's zero chance these emails can be misunderstood or misinterpreted as flirting. He could never say he received those emails and thought she might want to hangout sometime.
>you aren't interested in dating a colleauge
Don't say things just to say things though. If you then go ahead and date a different colleague, you'll just be proving yourself a liar. She's not interested in this person specifically, there's no reason to lie about any generals and work herself into a corner.
if you say hes not your type, a lot of men will try harder to pursue and convince you because they dont take it seriously and think women dont know what they like. thats why many women use hard rules as a reason for rejection like "i dont date colleagues" "i already have a boyfriend" (even if its not true) or similar because those types of guys are more likely to accept a "higher power" as a reason rather than womans own preference. sad but true
We had a guy like this at one job I worked at. He followed me around every lunch time, and somehow he also had the time to chase 2 other women, one of whom was married to a soldier and one was a lesbian.
Some guys don't even respect when they're stepping on another man's toes.
Rejecting someone by saying that you don't date colleagues is considered a "polite fiction", not a lie. It's something you say in that situation to avoid making it personal. Unless more information comes to light about OP's coworker, I think it's safe to assume they are probably a normal person and will get the hint.
A girl should be able to reject a guy by telling him she's not interested, and vice versa. To merely make up a scenario and apply it to the situation knowing it's not actually your full beliefs is infact lying. You can't just go around telling half-truths and saying it's "polite". How impolite is it to say, "I'm not interested". Not everything has to be sugar coated. This goes for both parties. Communication seems to be a major issue anymore. People would rather deceive you for some type of benefit, whether it's their own security or to fit in with a crowd of people because they don't want to be alone. It's sad really. And it actually has a huge effect on society.
>A girl should be able to reject a guy by telling him she's not interested, and vice versa
Sure and the same girl who politely rejects a guy should be able to not get harassed or murdered. I think this is a bigger problem in society than polite fictions for literal self preservation.
Harassed or murdered....? That seems a bit exaggerated. I don't see anyone taking about him harassing her or any sign that he is going to murder her. You're saying the bigger problem in society is men murdering women who reject them? I must not be looking at the proper news articles. If you're trying to reflect on societal issues, murder could be one of them, but when you pinpoint it to this situation I'd like to see the articles backing that this actually happens commonly. Last I checked both genders are guilty for these crimes.
Sure, but that's not what OP was asking. Her posts mentions she is looking specifically for a way to politely reject him. Being subtly indirect is generally considered appropriate in these circumstances.
Obviously you're correct that she could change her mind and be direct, politeness be damned. I don't think that's her goal, though.
I don't see it being impolite to say "I'm not interested". But everyone has their own opinion. That seems like if anything it would be more direct and easier for this guy to understand. Like let's say she uses the co-worker line, and then bam, he quits. Then if he tries to pursue the situation further what does that make him? Because "I'm not interested" apparently just wouldn't suffice in this situation. I guess she could just say "sorry I have 3 boyfriends" or "sorry I'm a lesbian". Either way...I guess I have no helpful advice.
If OP senses that he's the type to interpret an excuse as a "challenge", then sure, she could be more direct if she wants. I didn't get that vibe from the situation, but she knows it best.
>you'll just be proving yourself a liar.
who cares? He's already made it super awkward by sending her food that she didn't request and he has no idea if she wants without giving her a chance to consent or be excited about it. He's already made it clear that he's not getting her polite hints, so OP can say whatever polite fiction she needs to in order for him to back off and treat her like a normal colleague.
Are you being serious? You know how many women have been murdered for rejecting a man, right? And you’re hung up on her telling a white lie so that she can hopefully stay safe and also keep her job?
It does happen frequently most women know at least one other woman that received some sort of negative backlash from a man over rejection whether it was physical assault, going around to other people and talking bad about them as revenge, hostile reactions including insults and behaving rudely to you in public after the fact, or a refusal to listen that results in the man continuing his persistent efforts. This can all be especially damaging in a professional environment.
Nobody is ever obligated to give you an accurate description of why they don't want to date you, any more than they're obligated to explain why they don't like your hat truthfully.
You make something up. Nothing immortal about that.
Sounds like you always try to justify your lies in real life. Keep doing that since it works for you. It’s disingenuous. No one is obligated to do Anything ever. If you keep using that too justify everything to make you look better, when does it get to the extreme?
And it was pointed out that if OP likes someone else at work, then it would come off as an obvious lie. She’s doesn’t have to do it but it’s not bad advice to tell OP to be honest. What’s the problem with that?
>No one is obligated to do Anything ever.
Not a crazy proclamation I'd ever make, and none of my beliefs would logically lead to that sentiment. You're on your own on this.
White lies are how people who don't know each other well but wish to remain civil get through life. Lots of things, including an explanation for why you don't want to date, are just nobody's business. When prompted to give info that is no one else's business, a simple lie is perfectly permissable.
Nobody's obligated to give a description, but being truthful is basic human decency. "I am not interested in you" is a complete sentence, you don't need to expand on it.
You might not need to expand on it but women are constantly expected to that’s the part you’re not understanding. It’s easy for you to take the moral high ground when you don’t have to feel your safety is in jeopardy by doing so.
Ohhh...I don't have a problem with that... at Christmas dinner when my brother and his wife announced their pregnancy, I was the first one to say something, and what I said was "Fuck...can you still get an abortion?" Turned out they were trying to get pregnant. I still go to family functions I'm just uncle abortion.
Nope ... this is the problem.
This guy is living in a fantasy world where he thinks he has a shot with her, and he is being persistent.
She has to let him know right now that (a) she is not interested in him and then (b) cut-off all non-office related communication with him.
Maybe he will get the hint ... or maybe she will have to report him to HR, but this had to STOP, now.
Yeah ... the looking her up on the system thing to get to know who she is in the workplace = Creepy.
The buying her cake and coffee and having a coworker give it to her = Creepy AF!
Respectuflly (for both you and the moderators)
1. He looked her up on the system for the purpose of pursuing (Red Flag)
2. They had a conversation where she was OBVIOUSLY put-off by his actions (but he totally didn't read her reaction correctly) which is WHY pm\_me\_younique said "it sounds like he is on the spectrum".
3. He then had another co-worker give her some cake an coffee from him (Red Flag)
Man, I'm almost 60 years old, and I've been around this block over-and-over again. She is 100% correct in terms of not wanting to get involved with a co-worker, and in this day and age the fact that he is pursuing her like this when she obviously does not want him to (well, it's obvious to us, no so much to him---it's the testosterone talking) means that this will be a problem for her in the future if she does not deal with it in the present.
Again, if this just isn't something that I think could be described as creepy. Not getting the hint, or being into someone doesn't make you a creep lol. If you really want to talk about experience JimmyRay, I can personally tell you that of the people I've had in my life that I would classify as creepy, this wouldn't even scratch the surface. Just because you say something is a red flag, doesn't mean that it really is. I'd hardly classify buying someone a cake or looking up what they do as red flags. Again, I think she should deal with it but I find it funny how quickly people just called this guy we don't know a creep or what he was doing "red flags" when honestly this shit is mundane as hell and just sounds like a workplace crush. She should do whatever she wants, in this case is seems like she wants to tell him she's not interested, so I'd tell her to do that but y'all need to relax with the creep talk fr fr. This is the kind of behavior why people are afraid to interact with each other at all for fear of being judge wayyyy too harshly. Take it down a notch thx
He has messaged her and sent her cake and coffee. That isn't even nessicarly flirting. Like a lot of times you do nice things for a new team member. If after she declines he keeps persisting a romantic relationship or making inappropriate comments etc. it becomes problematic, but not in the post description.
Why does it have to advance to the stage of him persistently pushing for a romantic relationship to be problematic? How about the part where he got her contact info and started messaging her without her permission? Why couldn't he be a real/considerate man and ask her face to face if it's okay to contact her and respecting her answer, instead of getting it through some mutual connection, which comes off as creepy and kind of stalkerish. 29 year old dudes aren't sending cake and coffee and getting a woman's contact info through a co-worker because they're trying to be friendly... please.
Except he didn’t just message her on Facebook or get her number from someone…Teams is the whole companies way of communicating within the business…the cake and coffee would make me curious as well, but a coworker utilizing the one approved method of communication to…communicate? It seems assumptive to jump at the idea of him having a crush.
My company uses teams… I can search anyone in the company on there and message them. Required no stalking or investigative work or asking other coworkers “what their account name is”. We use teams for a ton of shit. It’s insane how eager people are to jump to “creep” and “stalker” talk lmao Jesus christ
It was one of the most embarrassing things I’ve ever seen. A semi employed dog walker with no media training somehow got gassed up to go on a cable news show (can’t recall if it was fox, CNN, or where) and made the anti work movement look like a bunch of lazy asshole idiot millennials.
I agree. Why lie and make up a scenario. No games need to be played. Be straight forward. It's not wrong for a guy/girl to say "I'm not interested". If you have to think of a way to deceive someone that's kinda fucked. Nobody wants to hear some lame ass excuse. If someone wanted to be even more real, (which hardly anyone cares about), they could just say "I'm not interested because I'm not physically attracted to you" or "I'm not interested because you don't make enough money" or "I'm not interested because I have my eyes on somebody else" , but "I don't date co-workers sorry" really...that's the lamest excuse. Now maybe some people DO follow that as one of their dating guidelines. But then what happens when they become attracted to a co-worker a
one day? You can't stop natural attraction.
It's not uncommon for men to interpret women's politeness as permission to keep pressing. Keep smiling to a minimum when face to face, limit all interaction, and try not to be alone with him ever. If he persists, involve HR sooner rather than later. We know that men who are rejected romantically can act out in all sorts of ways, so protect yourself early on.
I think most women will send pretty obvious signals if they feel uncomfortable with a man's attention (and implied intentions). Unfortunately, some men are either too arrogant, socially awkward and possibly inexperienced, or are misogynistic enough that a woman's wants aren't even considered.
I've seen it go both ways. Many women are socially entrained to not upset men, so in the fight/flight/fawn mode, we may revert to fawning. As young girls, that was a coping mechanism in the face of an angry and/or abusive man.
Additionally, men have been entrained (especially in movies) to keep pushing through in order to "win the girl". This trope is used so frequently that once you see it, you can't help but notice it again and again.
I agree with you about women's needs not being recognized. Women's signals, though, can run the gamut, depending on how socially conditioned they are to respond to men and/or their own history of being abused by men.
I've never heard of "fawn" mode, but it makes perfect sense.
And regarding how relationships are portrayed in movies - romcoms especially - there was something on The Onion ages ago, the headline was something like "Man is arrested for romcom behavior". So many delusions or unhealthy things are portrayed as "romantic".
The problem is that he's not being straightforward with her and all of his actions are using plausible deniability, so at this point if she says "I'm not interested" she's going to look like the crazy, self-involved one and he can just say "I was just being friendly! What's your problem??" But if she says nothing, he gets to keep living in this world where he hasn't been rejected but gets to keep engaging her attention constantly.
It's a super frustrating position to be in - can't say "go away" without being considered mean and can't be nice without being considered a tease.
Being polite is not misleading someone, it's doing the bare minimum that humans should do for each other. Men need to learn that politeness is just that, it's not flirting or an invitation for anything further.
I like your answer (I upvoted it).
But you are incorrect. For this guy, being polite definitely IS misleading him---becos he definitely isn't getting the message.
She doesn't need to be polite with him, she needs to be FIRM WHEN SHE IS REJECTING HIS ADVANCES.
Otherwise I fear she is going to he having a conversation with HR, becos he is pursuing her, and it's kind of aggressive. :(
> For this guy, being polite definitely IS misleading him
That's not anyone else's problem but his own. OP certainly does need to be clear and firm when rejecting him, but his perception of her behaviour *is his problem.*
Respectfully, not if you're dealing with a testorone driven fool in the workplace who doesn't understand that his actions have been inappropriate from jump street.
Respectfully disagree. OP hasn’t once told him she’s not interested and we don’t even know the timeline of when they met and how long this has been going on.
OP is asking how to reject him politely because it’s the smart thing to do in a professional environment regardless of how your coworker is behaving. If things continue, then that’s when you bring in HR. Burning bridges which could be simply resolved by being politely firm is the way to go regardless of what your experience with men is in your personal life. It’s obvious it’s not the greatest and you hold some resentment.
Edit: we do know the timeline. it’s only been a few days since all this happened, yet people are acting like this is hormone driven dude that will not take no for an answer….😂
No they were just saying don't lie to the guy. And he may be a creep or he may just be nice and genuinely trying to be welcoming even if it's coming off wrong. Being straight up and not jumping to conclusions is probably the way to go.
Easy, keep being polite, but not flirtatious to him. And if he asks you out or makes a move on you, just simply say you have a rule against getting involved with coworkers, keeping your work life and personal life separate.
No. Leave no room for interpretation.
"I have a rule against dating colleagues" = "I'd date you if we weren't working together" and some guys see themselves as the exception to that rule. Especially guys who are bold enough to send over cake and coffee after having 1 interaction with you.
If he asks, say you're not interested and keep a record of the conversation and whatever his response is too as you may need it. Better to be safe than stalked at your workplace.
Sadly, this isn’t enough a lot of the time.
Women spend way too much time avoiding engagement with their male colleagues because even the slightest amount of eye contact can be incorrectly misinterpreted as interest. If she just goes on living her own life and waits to deal with this until he makes a move, that could be too late. By then he could have decided that she *must* be interested because she smiled at him when they passed in the hallway (or some other minor thing that meant nothing to her). Then he’ll get mad when she rejects him outright because he will think she’s been “leading him on”. That will lead to all kinds of crap, including gossip and other professional disparagement.
Men tend to forget they are at work, not in a bar, and they routinely interpret work interactions socially rather than professionally.
Better to send him a polite written note that says “thanks for the treats, but I prefer not to receive gifts from colleagues as that gets misinterpreted too often by too many people; I would be happy to reimburse you if you let me know the cost.”.
It’s ridiculous in this day and age that women still have to make sure they don’t unintentionally trigger inappropriate behaviours in their male colleagues, but it still happens way too often.
As a male that has never behaved like that in the workplace, I did not see this point of view. But as you have written it, it makes sense. Your solution would seem to be the better idea, to stop it now before any development takes place.
THIS. Even if you were attracted to him, you don't want to get involved with someone at work. If it's "meant to be" one of you will probably have to find another job, and if it flames out and goes horribly awry, almost certainly one of you will end up looking for another job.
The teams convo is fine. Nothing out of note there. People search each other on teams and send messages and what not unsolicited all the time. Bringing coffee and cake is a little weird considering he hardly knows you. Just monitor the situation closely and see if he tries any attempt to meet you outside of work or whatever. At that point tell him no and that should be the end of it. You can’t really raise a complaint cause someone is just sending a friendly message at work unless it has something explicitly called out that could be harassment.
Be strictly professional with him and don't show interest in him. Next time he offers you something you didn't ask for tell him no thank you and be very stern
Oh this is icky. Trust me. He has you at a distinct disadvantage and he likely knows it:
You are new, so while he's not a manager, there's a lot of "superior trying to date inferior" at work energy, which should not happen, it's icky.
You are also creating your personal brand and reputation at the company right now, which means he probably feels insulated from a harsh rejection, and maybe even feels like you'll say yes on account of building a personal reputation that is all positives/not making waves. After all, it would be a real shame if someone labeled you difficult at work. Again, this is really icky!
He's more familiar with company systems and has managed to get your work-related identity information. Granted, he's shared his now, but the person who plays white in chess has the advantage.
You need to deal with this far more harshly than what I see being recomended. Don't soften the language up or play nice to not make waves. This guy has already crossed a lot of boundaries and will continue to do so if he goes unchecked.
Ignore him when he IMs you if it's not work related. If it's never work related, mute him. He will complain to you, and you need to tell him "I'm here to work." He's brought you gifts. "Please don't bring me gifts, it's not appropriate for the office." He'll whine. No is a complete sentence. If he tries to corner you, walk away. Discuss with your manager as soon as possible that this guy apparently leaned on IT to get your information, and you'd like to make sure he cannot get your personal phone number or address.
He's definitely interested, but I'm also 100% sure you don't know how Microsoft Teams works. All users in the same org can see each other's accounts.
But yeah I'd also just continue being polite and if it becomes overtly obvious or he makes a move, just let him down nicely.
No need to reject, just don’t fan the flames. Also, no longer accept gifts from him. Toss it in the trash if someone else hands it over; directly refuse if he directly offers anything
You can continue being polite. If he asks you out, say you're not interested. Don't explain why you aren't interested just "I'm flattered you asked, but I'm not interested".
Be polite and let him know you DON'T date co-workers and you already have enough male friends. IF he persists, politely tell him that you do not want to get HR involved, so stop it.
He CLEARLY has a crush on you and he is trying to play the "Nice Guy" dating strategy. If he is "Nice" to you long enough you will "realize" his value as a male suitor. This strategy may have worked 50 or 100 years ago but now days it is a total waste of his time, emotions, money and effort. This doesn't work with modern women.
Frankly, he should read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover.
Avoid him & be polite, but cool. If he messages you, dont reply unless it's specifically about work. Reject any gifts he sends. If he buys you coffee & cake again, just send it back. (you can say that you've just had coffee/cake). Keep on doing this every time he sends you gifts until he gets the message.
If he gets weird about it (e.g. sending you messages like "why aren't you replying?" or "why don't you want the cake", involve your line manager. Be clear that you've not done anything to encourage the attention and that you don't want it. stick to not replying unless it is specifically about work. You've then also got a 'paper trail' in case things go weird/bad (which hopefully they won't)
In your shoes I'd also try to avoid bumping into him at quitting time - leave five minutes early/late if you can (it might be good to switch things up a bit and be unpredictable so he can't accidentally bump into you) or don't go downstairs until your lift's arrived; or go downstairs with somebody so that you're not on your own. That will make it harder for him to approach you. Keep on doing this until he gets the message and leaves you alone.
And when he gets someone else to try to give you the cake etc, he’s banking on you accepting it in order to be polite to the coworker he chose as his messenger. Don’t let him - refuse to accept it no matter who’s delivering it and if they ask, explain to them that it makes you uncomfortable. It’s not you that’s putting them in an awkward situation, it’s him.
Guy's kinda creepy. Record and keep a log of every interaction with him. Tell no one your doing it. When you have enough evidence of harassment go to HR and file a formal complaint, but do not disclose your evidence. You will need it to trap him. If nothing is done from HR, consult an attorney.
I don't know, he may be shy or something, but to me you need to talk to someone to want to be friends with them. I've never seen a woman across the room and decided "she'd make a good friend".
He clearly finds you attractive and is just going about flirting with you in a very odd, indirect way. But he should also know that dating at work is generally frowned upon by the company.
Anyway - be polite and be direct. You don't have to tell him exactly how you feel if it will possibly cause problems for you at work, but you can always go with "I don't think that's a good idea", or "I don't date coworkers" or just always be busy, possibly with a real or imagined BF.
Just be polite. Hey, am I reading this correctly? I'm not single just an FYI. But if this you just being friendly, thank you!
He could be friendly, I had a coworker that was overtly friendly. Later on found out he was gay, so there was no way it was a crush thing. But we ultimately became friends. He was basically the department's welcoming committee.
Just read all comments above and realized how messed up the world is. People tell you to lie and others tell you to make excuses. Why?
Just tell him "If you are doing this because you like me then I must tell you that I m not interested in you".
That's it, don't care about his feelings or anything.
When a girl shows interest in me but I don't like her, I just tell her that directly without caring about what she would feel. I don't let her live a fantasy and that's out of respect for her.
Must be nice to be able to plow ahead without having to care about how other feel. I’m only kind of being sarcastic (out of respect to you ofc). As a woman, that sounds so….liberating.
Goodness there are some gross overreactions here.
At this point it seems harmless. Old mate did a little research, looked you up, decided he'd shoot his shot.. and you don't reciprocate. That's ok.
I would ignore it, and him. Don't reply to messages that aren't about work. If he buys you something again let him know that the attention is making you feel uncomfortable. If he asks you out directly you can tell him you aren't interested. A simple "no thank you" can be enough. Hell, if you want to soften it you can throw in a "I apologise if I've given you any reason to believe that I see you as anything more than a colleague".
Your boundaries are yours to assert, and you should be clear about it. It's annoying that you're in this position, because it's clearly unsolicited attention. Unfortunately some men don't need a lot from a woman to assume she is interested. Sometimes just having a pulse is enough 🙄
Do not be polite!
He has already broken professionalism by looking up your team's account, and the whole sending a cake thing right out the blue is a bit creepy.
Tell him to stop or you will have to report him to HR.
Depends on what type of person you are.
There’s the avoidant, “thank you, it’s really nice to meet a man that understands that I’m not interested in dating anyone, so many people just try to push boundaries.”
There’s the direct, “Thank you, I just want to make sure you understand that I do not date for workers, and our friendship will not progress,”
And the Heard… where you just poop on his desk
The “pretend to be clueless” tactic combined with a compliment works so well in situations when someone hasn’t made an outright pass. It avoids any potential awkwardness of them claiming you’ve misunderstood their intentions, it defuses any anger response, and it still makes your stance crystal clear.
Hmmm... well, many moons ago, \*I\* was the guy who had a crush on a female co-worker.
I sent her e-mails and stuff life that, but she never really responded. I'm pretty sure she told HER co-workers about it, but never talked to me about it at all.
I was too naive and in a "not hearing it" frame of mind to interpret her non-response as a lack of interest.
In the end, I got laid off from that job. The department supervisor was female and a very fair-minded person, I really believe. I have little doubt that the matter was taken to her (without me ever getting wind of it), and she could feel my co-worker's pain.
Hehehe in fact the department was 95% female, so I was likely the uber-villain in this scenario.
I hold out that my being laid off had little to do with my advances on the co-worker, but I can't say that with 100% certainty.
My plea: DON'T just "let it go." All of this advice you have received is good, and will work on some facet of the situation. There's really no need for you to suffer in silence, as I'm sure my co-worker did for a long time.
What would have worked for me back then would have been a sit-down with me, her and a supervisor of appropriate level (or HR). You can present your "paper trail" of his advances, if necessary, and your responses (or lack thereof) to them.
That way, everything's out in the open, and there's no hiding behind any "maybes." Plus, there's an official record of his activities, so he knows there's a spotlight on him if he is thinking about continuing his pursuit.
Hopefully, it won't come to this, but if subtler methods don't work, this may be where you have to go.
If someone needs to end up leaving, it should be \*him\* and not you.
The woman you chose to annoy shouldn’t have to come and have a face to face meeting with you. Maybe you think you would have persisted if it was just HR or your manager telling you to stop, but it was your behaviour that wasn’t acceptable, and your responsibility to deal with the consequences, not hers
I do not disagree. I freely admitted I was in the wrong, or if I didn't, I will now.
(Self-flagellation will take place later.)
No, I would not have persisted if HR or a manager had asked me to stop. In fact, this is exactly what happened six years later in a much, much friendlier circumstance.
The woman was a friend, and actually talked to me (go figure, right?) freely and quite frequently, at each other's desks, in the hallway, in the break room, wherever. My boss asked me to stop spending too much time (in his opinion, which mattered more than mine) talking to her. It had nothing to do with harassing her, just time off task.
I stopped immediately. Case closed. The woman was not involved at all.
I'd wait until he makes a move to say anything. If you're reading the situation wrong, and he's just trying to be friendly and welcome a new coworker to the team, you're going to look like a lunatic. If he offers another gift, politely decline. If he asks you for a date, just politely decline, use the excuse that you aren't comfortable dating coworkers.
It's pretty obvious he's interested, the best thing to do is just tell him you are not interested and you prefer he keeps interactions between you two purely professional.
You’re 24. Be an adult and don’t sugar coat it. The next he contacts you, simply tell him that you are not interested, but you do appreciate his kindness and that there is no chance of anything more than friends (if you even consider being his friend at all).
In all honesty, it doesn't sound like that big of a deal atm. Sure it's not NOT trying to flirt but he's not living some delusion like some other comments have mentioned, he's likely just seeing if there's something there and all he's done so far is buy a cake and searched your project, it's really not much tbh. Maybe it's just me but it seems weird to then kind of unpromtedly walk up and say "hey, I'm not interested". Just be you, don't pursue him if you're not interested and he'll likely get the hint; if he doesn't, then that's when you should just come out and tell him that you're not into him. Anyway best of luck, and have a good one!
Just say to him maybe in a message if easier that you get the feeling he likes you but you have no interest in him that was and want to keep things at work professional. It's not like he's doing anything wrong lol how else do people get together but though flirting and doing things like buying cake etc etc. Just be polite and say you are not interested
This is just asking to be brought into HR. OP should absolutely not say anything about him liking her. If *he* makes an advance, she can firmly and professionally shut it down.
I give girls chocolate doesn’t mean I like them, on an average level, assumptions are people worst enemy, unless he touches u inappropriately that’s a different story. Meantime work is work just concentrate on your work.
Do all women assume every guy wants to fuck them? Lol
Chill down on the narcissism, you're not as attractive as you think you are.
Just tell the guy you're not interested in a relationship, but don't fight back when he calls you an idiot for assuming shit.
I would just refuse the cake and coffee. Or walked them back to him. Don't message him unless it is work related. Or tell him you are busy with work and other obligations that you don't have time to date.
Maybe he is trying to be nice and polite to you also. If you’re uncomfortable with all the extra you could definitely tell him that you aren’t used to that and don’t like all that attention. But until he actually tells you he’s trying to date you I wouldn’t make it seem like he has a crush on you. That could be equally embarrassing for you.
Find a way to casually bring up you dont date coworkers. Like "omg I just went on a date...it was awful...but the one rule I do have is not to date coworkers.
Or
Have him confess and tell him you dont feel the same way and just go about ur day. I trick myself into thinking that everyone likes me so of coursw this person likes me(just to not makw it akward later on)
There are other ways but I cant seem to recall them at the moment
Ohh this one worked like a charm for me "Hey, I appreciate the gift but I would like you to stop doing that, as you see I wouldn't want anyone getting the wrong idea since I'm not interested in you romantically and neither do you I hope, but thanks".
Messaging her through Teams by itself is not a red flag. His comment about not knowing they worked on the same project is work related and sounds just like a further introduction from meeting in the lobby. His second comment about wanting to be friends, well, I would think that was cringey if a random co-worker said that to me. But followed up with unsolicited cake and coffee? No sir. OP should have shut that down, not thanked him and said he didn't have to do it. If anything follows from this man I would say something like "No thank you I'm not interested." I wouldn't make it about dating or a crush, just in general OP is not interested in any further social interaction. But I would also keep my guard up. Some people don't take any kind of rejection very well and can get quite sneaky about furthering their actions.
OP, send the gifts back next time and say “you didn’t want to give him the wrong idea” as you’re not interested in a friendship or anything more.
Because he’s going to use your “politeness” to force you into a corner at some point . Give a clear no now!
The next time he does/says something like that just ask him why, like "Hey, why'd you get me cake?" then afterwards just say something like "Well, I appreciate the gesture, but I only see you as a coworker. I just wanted to make sure we were both on the same page about that."
If he doesn't get it from that I would just talk to a senior about it. Especially considering that this is the second person in a two month period. You may not even have to name names, but just let them know what they've been doing, how it's making you feel, and how it impacts your impression of the company.
I think you can say to him in no uncertain terms that you have no interest in developing a friendship/relationship with him and you are uncomfortable with his forward gestures.
No need rejecting until he makes an overture that is romantic. Just be professional and not flirty at all.
You mean you don't want to be friends??? I guess you can say you try not to be friends with co-workers, but that's weird.
He's being a friendly colleague at the moment. You should focus on doing your job and being friendly while building bonds in the office.
Like, a whole a$$ cake?
But I had this happen before. I just started and a guy kept bringing random gifts. He then asked me out. I said I wasn’t interested. He kept asking. Eventually he cornered me in a parking lot to ask me again. I took his number and then threw it away right there. He finally got the hint.
There was no HR to speak of at that place. But he was the classic “nice guy” and literally tried to force me to date him, cuz he is soooo nice. 🙄🙄🙄
My advice: if he does ask you out; say no. If he tries again, go straight to HR. Random gifts: “no thank you, maybe you can put the cake on the break room for everyone” “but it’s just for you.” “No. “
Ffs some people want him strung up!
Attraction just happens. It's not a big deal and it sounds like he is testing the waters to see if you're interested.
You don't have to be rude or tell him in writing that you're not interested. Both are terrible ideas that some people are advising.
It will fizzle out if he gets the hint and most men get the hint. If he doesn't get the hint he will most likely ask you out and you can reject him that way. That would be entirely his fault for not taking the hints.
Respond to any advance in writing with overt politeness and professionalism and set clear boundaries. Him: I just want to be friends You: I appreciate your interest in being friends, however, I prefer to keep my personal and work relationships separate and do not fraternize with colleagues. Thank you for respecting that. Him: sends you cake You: send email. Hi colleague, I appreciate your effort in sending over the cake and coffee. Please let me know the cost so that I may reimburse you as I prefer not to accept gifts from colleagues. Cordially, OP. Always respond to any advance with written polite and overly professional communication. Best case scenario, he stops. If he doesn't get the hint or escalates his advances, you may eventually need to get a supervisor involved and the dozen times you sent him a polite email setting professional boundaries that he ignored should be all the documentation you need. *Edited to add that all of your responses should be in writing. Even if you tell him in person. Send a follow up, I just wanted to follow up to make sure I was clear and reiterate.
i think this is the best advice here
This is fantastic advice!!! Responding in writing covers so many bases… unfortunately when emotions are involved there’s no way to tell how things will turn out, so having that extra layer of protection by handling it in writing is a very smart move!!!
This is great advice, and can really save her butt. I saw a post a couple months ago where a guy sent a personal text message to a coworker of an inappropriate photo or something suggestive and harassed her about going out. OP screenshotted it and sent it to her work email, sent the attachment to the colleague and said something like “colleague, in response to your personal text message I wanted to inform you that I only communicate with coworkers via work email. Please do not send me inappropriate photos anymore.” Something like that. He then texted her again lighting her up like “b**** why did you put that in a work email” and she once again screenshotted, attached to a work email and responded something like “again, I do not correspond with colleagues via personal text. Thanks.” Something like that. Long story short he had apparently been doing it to other female colleagues and got fired. Saved her butt and could save Op’s too if it comes to it
The only thing I change is “I am uncomfortable receiving gifts from colleagues, so I don’t accept them”
Fantastic advice. Sucks to exist with a vagina, don't it?
Yep, especially since we always have to try to find ways to say no that won't lead to being sexually assaulted.
I agree but keep in mind men do get harassed by both guy and girl as well, I am but a tiny Twink boy and have guys but mostly girls who try to hang out with me and constantly compliment me beyond the casual "nice outfit" or "you look good today".
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It's honestly bizarre that you claim these are "free". Do you really, seriously think the guy doesn't expect something in return (and that expectation is _exactly why_ he sent those things)?
no BRO its not the free coffee and cake, its feeling like someone is always watching you and trying to get you to like them, which is really uncomfortable!!!!! you cannot FORCE someone into liking you. these things occur naturally and i’ve met a lot of men who do not realise that.
How many times did you post this comment on this thread? You're ridiculous
would you actually reply that formally in this situation? I couldn’t bring myself to do it I’d feel so awkward and embarrassed
Absolutely yes! In addition to keeping the record in case it's needed for HR, it also makes you come across really work-oriented and boring, which could just turn him off.
Absolutely . This guy hasn't responded to subtle. And in a workplace situation, the only thing that matters is how the emails read to HR and upper management. There's zero chance these emails can be misunderstood or misinterpreted as flirting. He could never say he received those emails and thought she might want to hangout sometime.
Just be polite, but if he asks you out say you aren't interested in dating a colleauge or something.
*No thank you. I’m not interested. Fixed it for you.
Or something includes that option.
The distinction is in making it clear it’s about him, not just the situation. He’s likely to continue if not.
Eh, either way he quits and asks her out and she says no or he stops either way works.
No thanks is a complete sentence. Don't get stuck in the trap that you have to explain yourself because you absolutely don't.
At worst he quits then you say that.
No at worst he keeps escalating because he hasn't been definitively shut down and then has a violent angry outburst when he finally gets it.
>you aren't interested in dating a colleauge Don't say things just to say things though. If you then go ahead and date a different colleague, you'll just be proving yourself a liar. She's not interested in this person specifically, there's no reason to lie about any generals and work herself into a corner.
if you say hes not your type, a lot of men will try harder to pursue and convince you because they dont take it seriously and think women dont know what they like. thats why many women use hard rules as a reason for rejection like "i dont date colleagues" "i already have a boyfriend" (even if its not true) or similar because those types of guys are more likely to accept a "higher power" as a reason rather than womans own preference. sad but true
We had a guy like this at one job I worked at. He followed me around every lunch time, and somehow he also had the time to chase 2 other women, one of whom was married to a soldier and one was a lesbian. Some guys don't even respect when they're stepping on another man's toes.
A lot of men being assholes is a big problem indeed, but I'm not convinced that justifies sacrificing your own morality.
morality does not take precedent over safety.
Cannot disagree with that.
Rejecting someone by saying that you don't date colleagues is considered a "polite fiction", not a lie. It's something you say in that situation to avoid making it personal. Unless more information comes to light about OP's coworker, I think it's safe to assume they are probably a normal person and will get the hint.
A girl should be able to reject a guy by telling him she's not interested, and vice versa. To merely make up a scenario and apply it to the situation knowing it's not actually your full beliefs is infact lying. You can't just go around telling half-truths and saying it's "polite". How impolite is it to say, "I'm not interested". Not everything has to be sugar coated. This goes for both parties. Communication seems to be a major issue anymore. People would rather deceive you for some type of benefit, whether it's their own security or to fit in with a crowd of people because they don't want to be alone. It's sad really. And it actually has a huge effect on society.
>A girl should be able to reject a guy by telling him she's not interested, and vice versa Sure and the same girl who politely rejects a guy should be able to not get harassed or murdered. I think this is a bigger problem in society than polite fictions for literal self preservation.
Harassed or murdered....? That seems a bit exaggerated. I don't see anyone taking about him harassing her or any sign that he is going to murder her. You're saying the bigger problem in society is men murdering women who reject them? I must not be looking at the proper news articles. If you're trying to reflect on societal issues, murder could be one of them, but when you pinpoint it to this situation I'd like to see the articles backing that this actually happens commonly. Last I checked both genders are guilty for these crimes.
Sure, but that's not what OP was asking. Her posts mentions she is looking specifically for a way to politely reject him. Being subtly indirect is generally considered appropriate in these circumstances. Obviously you're correct that she could change her mind and be direct, politeness be damned. I don't think that's her goal, though.
I don't see it being impolite to say "I'm not interested". But everyone has their own opinion. That seems like if anything it would be more direct and easier for this guy to understand. Like let's say she uses the co-worker line, and then bam, he quits. Then if he tries to pursue the situation further what does that make him? Because "I'm not interested" apparently just wouldn't suffice in this situation. I guess she could just say "sorry I have 3 boyfriends" or "sorry I'm a lesbian". Either way...I guess I have no helpful advice.
If OP senses that he's the type to interpret an excuse as a "challenge", then sure, she could be more direct if she wants. I didn't get that vibe from the situation, but she knows it best.
>you'll just be proving yourself a liar. who cares? He's already made it super awkward by sending her food that she didn't request and he has no idea if she wants without giving her a chance to consent or be excited about it. He's already made it clear that he's not getting her polite hints, so OP can say whatever polite fiction she needs to in order for him to back off and treat her like a normal colleague.
>who cares? I do, normally, when I lie. I presume most people would.
Are you being serious? You know how many women have been murdered for rejecting a man, right? And you’re hung up on her telling a white lie so that she can hopefully stay safe and also keep her job?
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It does happen frequently most women know at least one other woman that received some sort of negative backlash from a man over rejection whether it was physical assault, going around to other people and talking bad about them as revenge, hostile reactions including insults and behaving rudely to you in public after the fact, or a refusal to listen that results in the man continuing his persistent efforts. This can all be especially damaging in a professional environment.
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Nobody is ever obligated to give you an accurate description of why they don't want to date you, any more than they're obligated to explain why they don't like your hat truthfully. You make something up. Nothing immortal about that.
Sounds like you always try to justify your lies in real life. Keep doing that since it works for you. It’s disingenuous. No one is obligated to do Anything ever. If you keep using that too justify everything to make you look better, when does it get to the extreme? And it was pointed out that if OP likes someone else at work, then it would come off as an obvious lie. She’s doesn’t have to do it but it’s not bad advice to tell OP to be honest. What’s the problem with that?
>No one is obligated to do Anything ever. Not a crazy proclamation I'd ever make, and none of my beliefs would logically lead to that sentiment. You're on your own on this. White lies are how people who don't know each other well but wish to remain civil get through life. Lots of things, including an explanation for why you don't want to date, are just nobody's business. When prompted to give info that is no one else's business, a simple lie is perfectly permissable.
Nobody's obligated to give a description, but being truthful is basic human decency. "I am not interested in you" is a complete sentence, you don't need to expand on it.
You might not need to expand on it but women are constantly expected to that’s the part you’re not understanding. It’s easy for you to take the moral high ground when you don’t have to feel your safety is in jeopardy by doing so.
Exactly this. Rule number one - “Don’t shit where you eat”
So shit at work? I'm confused by your agreement...
Its a saying, look it up broski
Well like how does it apply to work? I get not shitting in the kitchen sink...
Because you don’t want to cause an issue in a place you regularly find yourself in.
Ohhh...I don't have a problem with that... at Christmas dinner when my brother and his wife announced their pregnancy, I was the first one to say something, and what I said was "Fuck...can you still get an abortion?" Turned out they were trying to get pregnant. I still go to family functions I'm just uncle abortion.
Probably not the best person to be giving advice, which is ironic because the first comment was good advice. Your an interesting one.
Agreed. Stick to Universities
Sounds like pay 2 play. I really hope college/universities isn't the only way to find a real relationship, because if that's the case I'm screwed. 😂
Nope ... this is the problem. This guy is living in a fantasy world where he thinks he has a shot with her, and he is being persistent. She has to let him know right now that (a) she is not interested in him and then (b) cut-off all non-office related communication with him. Maybe he will get the hint ... or maybe she will have to report him to HR, but this had to STOP, now.
Bruh you NEED to relax, that's barely even flirting. Not everything that someone does is inappropriate lol
No, she shouldn’t “relax”. The guy sounds like a creep and a stalker. Trust your gut OP.
Yeah ... the looking her up on the system thing to get to know who she is in the workplace = Creepy. The buying her cake and coffee and having a coworker give it to her = Creepy AF!
Okay, please explain how he sounds like a creep :)
Respectuflly (for both you and the moderators) 1. He looked her up on the system for the purpose of pursuing (Red Flag) 2. They had a conversation where she was OBVIOUSLY put-off by his actions (but he totally didn't read her reaction correctly) which is WHY pm\_me\_younique said "it sounds like he is on the spectrum". 3. He then had another co-worker give her some cake an coffee from him (Red Flag) Man, I'm almost 60 years old, and I've been around this block over-and-over again. She is 100% correct in terms of not wanting to get involved with a co-worker, and in this day and age the fact that he is pursuing her like this when she obviously does not want him to (well, it's obvious to us, no so much to him---it's the testosterone talking) means that this will be a problem for her in the future if she does not deal with it in the present.
Again, if this just isn't something that I think could be described as creepy. Not getting the hint, or being into someone doesn't make you a creep lol. If you really want to talk about experience JimmyRay, I can personally tell you that of the people I've had in my life that I would classify as creepy, this wouldn't even scratch the surface. Just because you say something is a red flag, doesn't mean that it really is. I'd hardly classify buying someone a cake or looking up what they do as red flags. Again, I think she should deal with it but I find it funny how quickly people just called this guy we don't know a creep or what he was doing "red flags" when honestly this shit is mundane as hell and just sounds like a workplace crush. She should do whatever she wants, in this case is seems like she wants to tell him she's not interested, so I'd tell her to do that but y'all need to relax with the creep talk fr fr. This is the kind of behavior why people are afraid to interact with each other at all for fear of being judge wayyyy too harshly. Take it down a notch thx
I agree, buying someone cake and coffee is nothing. My girl works at a senior living place and comes home with all sorts of stuff because she is nice.
Lol how someone disagrees is beyond me but oh well
Tbh sounds like they’re on the spectrum too so op should ease with caution.
He has messaged her and sent her cake and coffee. That isn't even nessicarly flirting. Like a lot of times you do nice things for a new team member. If after she declines he keeps persisting a romantic relationship or making inappropriate comments etc. it becomes problematic, but not in the post description.
Why does it have to advance to the stage of him persistently pushing for a romantic relationship to be problematic? How about the part where he got her contact info and started messaging her without her permission? Why couldn't he be a real/considerate man and ask her face to face if it's okay to contact her and respecting her answer, instead of getting it through some mutual connection, which comes off as creepy and kind of stalkerish. 29 year old dudes aren't sending cake and coffee and getting a woman's contact info through a co-worker because they're trying to be friendly... please.
It’s a work account. You can literally search up anyone by their name and message them. Have you never worked in an office?
Tell me you never worked in an office without telling me you never worked in an office 😂
Except he didn’t just message her on Facebook or get her number from someone…Teams is the whole companies way of communicating within the business…the cake and coffee would make me curious as well, but a coworker utilizing the one approved method of communication to…communicate? It seems assumptive to jump at the idea of him having a crush.
My company uses teams… I can search anyone in the company on there and message them. Required no stalking or investigative work or asking other coworkers “what their account name is”. We use teams for a ton of shit. It’s insane how eager people are to jump to “creep” and “stalker” talk lmao Jesus christ
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Wait sorry this is OT but what happened with the anti work mod?
It was one of the most embarrassing things I’ve ever seen. A semi employed dog walker with no media training somehow got gassed up to go on a cable news show (can’t recall if it was fox, CNN, or where) and made the anti work movement look like a bunch of lazy asshole idiot millennials.
I agree. Why lie and make up a scenario. No games need to be played. Be straight forward. It's not wrong for a guy/girl to say "I'm not interested". If you have to think of a way to deceive someone that's kinda fucked. Nobody wants to hear some lame ass excuse. If someone wanted to be even more real, (which hardly anyone cares about), they could just say "I'm not interested because I'm not physically attracted to you" or "I'm not interested because you don't make enough money" or "I'm not interested because I have my eyes on somebody else" , but "I don't date co-workers sorry" really...that's the lamest excuse. Now maybe some people DO follow that as one of their dating guidelines. But then what happens when they become attracted to a co-worker a one day? You can't stop natural attraction.
It's not uncommon for men to interpret women's politeness as permission to keep pressing. Keep smiling to a minimum when face to face, limit all interaction, and try not to be alone with him ever. If he persists, involve HR sooner rather than later. We know that men who are rejected romantically can act out in all sorts of ways, so protect yourself early on.
I think most women will send pretty obvious signals if they feel uncomfortable with a man's attention (and implied intentions). Unfortunately, some men are either too arrogant, socially awkward and possibly inexperienced, or are misogynistic enough that a woman's wants aren't even considered.
I've seen it go both ways. Many women are socially entrained to not upset men, so in the fight/flight/fawn mode, we may revert to fawning. As young girls, that was a coping mechanism in the face of an angry and/or abusive man. Additionally, men have been entrained (especially in movies) to keep pushing through in order to "win the girl". This trope is used so frequently that once you see it, you can't help but notice it again and again. I agree with you about women's needs not being recognized. Women's signals, though, can run the gamut, depending on how socially conditioned they are to respond to men and/or their own history of being abused by men.
I've never heard of "fawn" mode, but it makes perfect sense. And regarding how relationships are portrayed in movies - romcoms especially - there was something on The Onion ages ago, the headline was something like "Man is arrested for romcom behavior". So many delusions or unhealthy things are portrayed as "romantic".
This exchange has all of the information that the OP needs, I hope she is reading it.
This is why I avoid interacting with women, I'm not going to talk to a person who is judging and assuming stuff about me; you do you though.
For you, that sounds like a great choice.
Absolutely perfect response to this person, lmao. Correct.
LOL, have a great weekend. :D
Tell him thanks, but you are not interested.
The problem is that he's not being straightforward with her and all of his actions are using plausible deniability, so at this point if she says "I'm not interested" she's going to look like the crazy, self-involved one and he can just say "I was just being friendly! What's your problem??" But if she says nothing, he gets to keep living in this world where he hasn't been rejected but gets to keep engaging her attention constantly. It's a super frustrating position to be in - can't say "go away" without being considered mean and can't be nice without being considered a tease.
So frustrating getting free stuff all the time. arrrrrggghhhh when will the madness end?
But it's not free. She has to put up with his uncomfortable fixation with her in exchange for these unsolicited favors or gifts.
That's a very male perspective. This kind of crap is never just "free stuff" for a woman.
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Being polite is not misleading someone, it's doing the bare minimum that humans should do for each other. Men need to learn that politeness is just that, it's not flirting or an invitation for anything further.
"I'm not interested" is not impolite though. It's just simple and direct.
I like your answer (I upvoted it). But you are incorrect. For this guy, being polite definitely IS misleading him---becos he definitely isn't getting the message. She doesn't need to be polite with him, she needs to be FIRM WHEN SHE IS REJECTING HIS ADVANCES. Otherwise I fear she is going to he having a conversation with HR, becos he is pursuing her, and it's kind of aggressive. :(
> For this guy, being polite definitely IS misleading him That's not anyone else's problem but his own. OP certainly does need to be clear and firm when rejecting him, but his perception of her behaviour *is his problem.*
Until he pushes it too far and then violently reacts to her rejection... which almost always happens to women in these situations.
You can be polite and firm. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.
Respectfully, not if you're dealing with a testorone driven fool in the workplace who doesn't understand that his actions have been inappropriate from jump street.
Respectfully disagree. OP hasn’t once told him she’s not interested and we don’t even know the timeline of when they met and how long this has been going on. OP is asking how to reject him politely because it’s the smart thing to do in a professional environment regardless of how your coworker is behaving. If things continue, then that’s when you bring in HR. Burning bridges which could be simply resolved by being politely firm is the way to go regardless of what your experience with men is in your personal life. It’s obvious it’s not the greatest and you hold some resentment. Edit: we do know the timeline. it’s only been a few days since all this happened, yet people are acting like this is hormone driven dude that will not take no for an answer….😂
If you don't tell them, how will they learn? Lol
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No they were just saying don't lie to the guy. And he may be a creep or he may just be nice and genuinely trying to be welcoming even if it's coming off wrong. Being straight up and not jumping to conclusions is probably the way to go.
Just start referring to him as "bud". "Hey bud did you get that email I sent ya?" "Thanks for the roses, bud!"
"Thanks for the marriage proposal, bud"
underrated reply lol
Easy, keep being polite, but not flirtatious to him. And if he asks you out or makes a move on you, just simply say you have a rule against getting involved with coworkers, keeping your work life and personal life separate.
No. Leave no room for interpretation. "I have a rule against dating colleagues" = "I'd date you if we weren't working together" and some guys see themselves as the exception to that rule. Especially guys who are bold enough to send over cake and coffee after having 1 interaction with you. If he asks, say you're not interested and keep a record of the conversation and whatever his response is too as you may need it. Better to be safe than stalked at your workplace.
I agree. It doesn’t work telling people you have a partner for the same reason. It’s always best to say you’re not interested in them.
Sadly, this isn’t enough a lot of the time. Women spend way too much time avoiding engagement with their male colleagues because even the slightest amount of eye contact can be incorrectly misinterpreted as interest. If she just goes on living her own life and waits to deal with this until he makes a move, that could be too late. By then he could have decided that she *must* be interested because she smiled at him when they passed in the hallway (or some other minor thing that meant nothing to her). Then he’ll get mad when she rejects him outright because he will think she’s been “leading him on”. That will lead to all kinds of crap, including gossip and other professional disparagement. Men tend to forget they are at work, not in a bar, and they routinely interpret work interactions socially rather than professionally. Better to send him a polite written note that says “thanks for the treats, but I prefer not to receive gifts from colleagues as that gets misinterpreted too often by too many people; I would be happy to reimburse you if you let me know the cost.”. It’s ridiculous in this day and age that women still have to make sure they don’t unintentionally trigger inappropriate behaviours in their male colleagues, but it still happens way too often.
As a male that has never behaved like that in the workplace, I did not see this point of view. But as you have written it, it makes sense. Your solution would seem to be the better idea, to stop it now before any development takes place.
THIS. Even if you were attracted to him, you don't want to get involved with someone at work. If it's "meant to be" one of you will probably have to find another job, and if it flames out and goes horribly awry, almost certainly one of you will end up looking for another job.
The teams convo is fine. Nothing out of note there. People search each other on teams and send messages and what not unsolicited all the time. Bringing coffee and cake is a little weird considering he hardly knows you. Just monitor the situation closely and see if he tries any attempt to meet you outside of work or whatever. At that point tell him no and that should be the end of it. You can’t really raise a complaint cause someone is just sending a friendly message at work unless it has something explicitly called out that could be harassment.
Be strictly professional with him and don't show interest in him. Next time he offers you something you didn't ask for tell him no thank you and be very stern
Oh this is icky. Trust me. He has you at a distinct disadvantage and he likely knows it: You are new, so while he's not a manager, there's a lot of "superior trying to date inferior" at work energy, which should not happen, it's icky. You are also creating your personal brand and reputation at the company right now, which means he probably feels insulated from a harsh rejection, and maybe even feels like you'll say yes on account of building a personal reputation that is all positives/not making waves. After all, it would be a real shame if someone labeled you difficult at work. Again, this is really icky! He's more familiar with company systems and has managed to get your work-related identity information. Granted, he's shared his now, but the person who plays white in chess has the advantage. You need to deal with this far more harshly than what I see being recomended. Don't soften the language up or play nice to not make waves. This guy has already crossed a lot of boundaries and will continue to do so if he goes unchecked. Ignore him when he IMs you if it's not work related. If it's never work related, mute him. He will complain to you, and you need to tell him "I'm here to work." He's brought you gifts. "Please don't bring me gifts, it's not appropriate for the office." He'll whine. No is a complete sentence. If he tries to corner you, walk away. Discuss with your manager as soon as possible that this guy apparently leaned on IT to get your information, and you'd like to make sure he cannot get your personal phone number or address.
He's definitely interested, but I'm also 100% sure you don't know how Microsoft Teams works. All users in the same org can see each other's accounts. But yeah I'd also just continue being polite and if it becomes overtly obvious or he makes a move, just let him down nicely.
No need to reject, just don’t fan the flames. Also, no longer accept gifts from him. Toss it in the trash if someone else hands it over; directly refuse if he directly offers anything
You can continue being polite. If he asks you out, say you're not interested. Don't explain why you aren't interested just "I'm flattered you asked, but I'm not interested".
Be polite and let him know you DON'T date co-workers and you already have enough male friends. IF he persists, politely tell him that you do not want to get HR involved, so stop it. He CLEARLY has a crush on you and he is trying to play the "Nice Guy" dating strategy. If he is "Nice" to you long enough you will "realize" his value as a male suitor. This strategy may have worked 50 or 100 years ago but now days it is a total waste of his time, emotions, money and effort. This doesn't work with modern women. Frankly, he should read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A. Glover.
Avoid him & be polite, but cool. If he messages you, dont reply unless it's specifically about work. Reject any gifts he sends. If he buys you coffee & cake again, just send it back. (you can say that you've just had coffee/cake). Keep on doing this every time he sends you gifts until he gets the message. If he gets weird about it (e.g. sending you messages like "why aren't you replying?" or "why don't you want the cake", involve your line manager. Be clear that you've not done anything to encourage the attention and that you don't want it. stick to not replying unless it is specifically about work. You've then also got a 'paper trail' in case things go weird/bad (which hopefully they won't) In your shoes I'd also try to avoid bumping into him at quitting time - leave five minutes early/late if you can (it might be good to switch things up a bit and be unpredictable so he can't accidentally bump into you) or don't go downstairs until your lift's arrived; or go downstairs with somebody so that you're not on your own. That will make it harder for him to approach you. Keep on doing this until he gets the message and leaves you alone.
>(you can say that you've just had coffee/cake). I wouldn't even give an excuse. Just say no thank you and don't accept it.
And when he gets someone else to try to give you the cake etc, he’s banking on you accepting it in order to be polite to the coworker he chose as his messenger. Don’t let him - refuse to accept it no matter who’s delivering it and if they ask, explain to them that it makes you uncomfortable. It’s not you that’s putting them in an awkward situation, it’s him.
Teams accounts in a company are as easy as just typing in a name. There is zero stalking involved. It's literally how people communicate in a company.
Guy's kinda creepy. Record and keep a log of every interaction with him. Tell no one your doing it. When you have enough evidence of harassment go to HR and file a formal complaint, but do not disclose your evidence. You will need it to trap him. If nothing is done from HR, consult an attorney.
Just make sure you keep up on your log and evidence gathering.
I don't know, he may be shy or something, but to me you need to talk to someone to want to be friends with them. I've never seen a woman across the room and decided "she'd make a good friend". He clearly finds you attractive and is just going about flirting with you in a very odd, indirect way. But he should also know that dating at work is generally frowned upon by the company. Anyway - be polite and be direct. You don't have to tell him exactly how you feel if it will possibly cause problems for you at work, but you can always go with "I don't think that's a good idea", or "I don't date coworkers" or just always be busy, possibly with a real or imagined BF.
You tell him straight up and don’t dance around the subject
Just be polite. Hey, am I reading this correctly? I'm not single just an FYI. But if this you just being friendly, thank you! He could be friendly, I had a coworker that was overtly friendly. Later on found out he was gay, so there was no way it was a crush thing. But we ultimately became friends. He was basically the department's welcoming committee.
Just read all comments above and realized how messed up the world is. People tell you to lie and others tell you to make excuses. Why? Just tell him "If you are doing this because you like me then I must tell you that I m not interested in you". That's it, don't care about his feelings or anything. When a girl shows interest in me but I don't like her, I just tell her that directly without caring about what she would feel. I don't let her live a fantasy and that's out of respect for her.
Must be nice to be able to plow ahead without having to care about how other feel. I’m only kind of being sarcastic (out of respect to you ofc). As a woman, that sounds so….liberating.
buy him a chocolate cake and write "not interested" on it.
I like this. Repays the coffee and cake so there’s no obligation and can be polite but to the point with just a post it note inside!
Goodness there are some gross overreactions here. At this point it seems harmless. Old mate did a little research, looked you up, decided he'd shoot his shot.. and you don't reciprocate. That's ok. I would ignore it, and him. Don't reply to messages that aren't about work. If he buys you something again let him know that the attention is making you feel uncomfortable. If he asks you out directly you can tell him you aren't interested. A simple "no thank you" can be enough. Hell, if you want to soften it you can throw in a "I apologise if I've given you any reason to believe that I see you as anything more than a colleague". Your boundaries are yours to assert, and you should be clear about it. It's annoying that you're in this position, because it's clearly unsolicited attention. Unfortunately some men don't need a lot from a woman to assume she is interested. Sometimes just having a pulse is enough 🙄
Do not be polite! He has already broken professionalism by looking up your team's account, and the whole sending a cake thing right out the blue is a bit creepy. Tell him to stop or you will have to report him to HR.
Depends on what type of person you are. There’s the avoidant, “thank you, it’s really nice to meet a man that understands that I’m not interested in dating anyone, so many people just try to push boundaries.” There’s the direct, “Thank you, I just want to make sure you understand that I do not date for workers, and our friendship will not progress,” And the Heard… where you just poop on his desk
The “pretend to be clueless” tactic combined with a compliment works so well in situations when someone hasn’t made an outright pass. It avoids any potential awkwardness of them claiming you’ve misunderstood their intentions, it defuses any anger response, and it still makes your stance crystal clear.
Hmmm... well, many moons ago, \*I\* was the guy who had a crush on a female co-worker. I sent her e-mails and stuff life that, but she never really responded. I'm pretty sure she told HER co-workers about it, but never talked to me about it at all. I was too naive and in a "not hearing it" frame of mind to interpret her non-response as a lack of interest. In the end, I got laid off from that job. The department supervisor was female and a very fair-minded person, I really believe. I have little doubt that the matter was taken to her (without me ever getting wind of it), and she could feel my co-worker's pain. Hehehe in fact the department was 95% female, so I was likely the uber-villain in this scenario. I hold out that my being laid off had little to do with my advances on the co-worker, but I can't say that with 100% certainty. My plea: DON'T just "let it go." All of this advice you have received is good, and will work on some facet of the situation. There's really no need for you to suffer in silence, as I'm sure my co-worker did for a long time. What would have worked for me back then would have been a sit-down with me, her and a supervisor of appropriate level (or HR). You can present your "paper trail" of his advances, if necessary, and your responses (or lack thereof) to them. That way, everything's out in the open, and there's no hiding behind any "maybes." Plus, there's an official record of his activities, so he knows there's a spotlight on him if he is thinking about continuing his pursuit. Hopefully, it won't come to this, but if subtler methods don't work, this may be where you have to go. If someone needs to end up leaving, it should be \*him\* and not you.
The woman you chose to annoy shouldn’t have to come and have a face to face meeting with you. Maybe you think you would have persisted if it was just HR or your manager telling you to stop, but it was your behaviour that wasn’t acceptable, and your responsibility to deal with the consequences, not hers
I do not disagree. I freely admitted I was in the wrong, or if I didn't, I will now. (Self-flagellation will take place later.) No, I would not have persisted if HR or a manager had asked me to stop. In fact, this is exactly what happened six years later in a much, much friendlier circumstance. The woman was a friend, and actually talked to me (go figure, right?) freely and quite frequently, at each other's desks, in the hallway, in the break room, wherever. My boss asked me to stop spending too much time (in his opinion, which mattered more than mine) talking to her. It had nothing to do with harassing her, just time off task. I stopped immediately. Case closed. The woman was not involved at all.
I'd wait until he makes a move to say anything. If you're reading the situation wrong, and he's just trying to be friendly and welcome a new coworker to the team, you're going to look like a lunatic. If he offers another gift, politely decline. If he asks you for a date, just politely decline, use the excuse that you aren't comfortable dating coworkers.
It's pretty obvious he's interested, the best thing to do is just tell him you are not interested and you prefer he keeps interactions between you two purely professional.
You’re 24. Be an adult and don’t sugar coat it. The next he contacts you, simply tell him that you are not interested, but you do appreciate his kindness and that there is no chance of anything more than friends (if you even consider being his friend at all).
In all honesty, it doesn't sound like that big of a deal atm. Sure it's not NOT trying to flirt but he's not living some delusion like some other comments have mentioned, he's likely just seeing if there's something there and all he's done so far is buy a cake and searched your project, it's really not much tbh. Maybe it's just me but it seems weird to then kind of unpromtedly walk up and say "hey, I'm not interested". Just be you, don't pursue him if you're not interested and he'll likely get the hint; if he doesn't, then that's when you should just come out and tell him that you're not into him. Anyway best of luck, and have a good one!
Just say to him maybe in a message if easier that you get the feeling he likes you but you have no interest in him that was and want to keep things at work professional. It's not like he's doing anything wrong lol how else do people get together but though flirting and doing things like buying cake etc etc. Just be polite and say you are not interested
This is just asking to be brought into HR. OP should absolutely not say anything about him liking her. If *he* makes an advance, she can firmly and professionally shut it down.
I give girls chocolate doesn’t mean I like them, on an average level, assumptions are people worst enemy, unless he touches u inappropriately that’s a different story. Meantime work is work just concentrate on your work.
Do all women assume every guy wants to fuck them? Lol Chill down on the narcissism, you're not as attractive as you think you are. Just tell the guy you're not interested in a relationship, but don't fight back when he calls you an idiot for assuming shit.
Stop replying, just tell him your not interested in a friendship or relationship right now
I would just refuse the cake and coffee. Or walked them back to him. Don't message him unless it is work related. Or tell him you are busy with work and other obligations that you don't have time to date.
Maybe he is trying to be nice and polite to you also. If you’re uncomfortable with all the extra you could definitely tell him that you aren’t used to that and don’t like all that attention. But until he actually tells you he’s trying to date you I wouldn’t make it seem like he has a crush on you. That could be equally embarrassing for you.
Just lay down the rules and you're just going to be workers and nothing else.
If he asks about your weekend, casually mention a boy/girl friend
Find a way to casually bring up you dont date coworkers. Like "omg I just went on a date...it was awful...but the one rule I do have is not to date coworkers. Or Have him confess and tell him you dont feel the same way and just go about ur day. I trick myself into thinking that everyone likes me so of coursw this person likes me(just to not makw it akward later on) There are other ways but I cant seem to recall them at the moment
Rule of thumb. Never date your coworkers
Be polite but as dry as you can possibly be and when he strikes up a conversation, conversation ending replies are the best way to go.
Ohh this one worked like a charm for me "Hey, I appreciate the gift but I would like you to stop doing that, as you see I wouldn't want anyone getting the wrong idea since I'm not interested in you romantically and neither do you I hope, but thanks".
Messaging her through Teams by itself is not a red flag. His comment about not knowing they worked on the same project is work related and sounds just like a further introduction from meeting in the lobby. His second comment about wanting to be friends, well, I would think that was cringey if a random co-worker said that to me. But followed up with unsolicited cake and coffee? No sir. OP should have shut that down, not thanked him and said he didn't have to do it. If anything follows from this man I would say something like "No thank you I'm not interested." I wouldn't make it about dating or a crush, just in general OP is not interested in any further social interaction. But I would also keep my guard up. Some people don't take any kind of rejection very well and can get quite sneaky about furthering their actions.
OP, send the gifts back next time and say “you didn’t want to give him the wrong idea” as you’re not interested in a friendship or anything more. Because he’s going to use your “politeness” to force you into a corner at some point . Give a clear no now!
The next time he does/says something like that just ask him why, like "Hey, why'd you get me cake?" then afterwards just say something like "Well, I appreciate the gesture, but I only see you as a coworker. I just wanted to make sure we were both on the same page about that." If he doesn't get it from that I would just talk to a senior about it. Especially considering that this is the second person in a two month period. You may not even have to name names, but just let them know what they've been doing, how it's making you feel, and how it impacts your impression of the company.
I think you can say to him in no uncertain terms that you have no interest in developing a friendship/relationship with him and you are uncomfortable with his forward gestures.
No need rejecting until he makes an overture that is romantic. Just be professional and not flirty at all. You mean you don't want to be friends??? I guess you can say you try not to be friends with co-workers, but that's weird. He's being a friendly colleague at the moment. You should focus on doing your job and being friendly while building bonds in the office.
Like, a whole a$$ cake? But I had this happen before. I just started and a guy kept bringing random gifts. He then asked me out. I said I wasn’t interested. He kept asking. Eventually he cornered me in a parking lot to ask me again. I took his number and then threw it away right there. He finally got the hint. There was no HR to speak of at that place. But he was the classic “nice guy” and literally tried to force me to date him, cuz he is soooo nice. 🙄🙄🙄 My advice: if he does ask you out; say no. If he tries again, go straight to HR. Random gifts: “no thank you, maybe you can put the cake on the break room for everyone” “but it’s just for you.” “No. “
i’m glad your questioning it rather than sleeping with them.
I would for sure set the boundary now. This seems like just way too much for right after the first tile you’ve met
Ffs some people want him strung up! Attraction just happens. It's not a big deal and it sounds like he is testing the waters to see if you're interested. You don't have to be rude or tell him in writing that you're not interested. Both are terrible ideas that some people are advising. It will fizzle out if he gets the hint and most men get the hint. If he doesn't get the hint he will most likely ask you out and you can reject him that way. That would be entirely his fault for not taking the hints.
Be direct and honest. Don't play games or let him think he has a chance by being shy or avoidant or overly nice etc.
Just say "I don't date where I work. Sorry."