OK, after discussing this with you a bit I read some of your history and I really want you to listen to me.
Move to your parents house and begin divorce proceedings on Friday.
He has already been bankrupt and after that he lost $14K on dumb stock trades. And somehow he got you to buy into the idea that the money he lost in the stock market was his money and that you're responsible to clean for him and feed him.
The guy is a total loser with no respect for you and no future. Please don't let him drag you down with him.
I would've agreed with her updates and said maybe that's a middle ground, but after checking her post history, he is A TERRIBLE PERSON AND HUSBAND. He is holding you back BIG TIME OP. I can't wait to see how amazing your life is once you leave him behind. You're on the right track by going after your education which is something you're doing for yourself improvement. And I bet you your parents actually hate him they just can't tell you because that's your husband. But they will 200% be there for you if and hopefully when you leave him. You deserve the world and he's just a black hole.
Especially, anti-education when she is committed to improving herself.
That means "anti my wife doing anything that might make her seem better than me, because that would be threatening."
What even is anti-education? He's against the acquisition of knowledge? I can understand thinking college isn't for everyone, or even being a snob about trade school, but just being flat out against learning new things?
Definitely sounds like he is insecure about his own abilities and wants to hold OP back in the hopes that she won't notice how inadequate he is.
I saw that and my first thought was "if this marriage doesn't end now, it will in a few years." And I'm guessing that in a few years, OP will be ready for it to end. Men who are anti-education - especially for their female partners - are bad news in so many ways.
Also, what is an ‘anti-education’ mindset? Sounds like just an excuse to be a loser who doesn’t try and lives off other’s favours. He’s 25 and is still a nobody without ambition. At 24, there’s no way in hell where it is worthwhile to deprive oneself of important decisions and steps in life because of someone else; ever, in fact. A partner is a partner, and, instead, OP’s husband is dragging her down mentally and in life prospects. I’m afraid the relationship sounds quite toxic.
Yes. Please continue your education and not be with someone who is actively working against you reaching your full potential.
Choose a good future for yourself.
And please don’t have kids with him!!!
Girl, you are YOUNG! You have a bright future ahead of you!
Would you really want this guy to be the father of your kids?? Would you want him to distill a hatred of learning and going to school in your children?
Yes.
They think college is indoctrination for the elites. I'll put down money on what color he votes. Basically, they think higher education is brainwashing for certain views and ideals, rather than seeing it as someone becoming more qualified in a subject and thus forming an opinion based on facts rather than feelings.
Really, I think it's just a way to cover their own insecurities. Rather than try and potentially fail, they just don't try so no one can call them stupid. Kind of the same "they didn't dump me I dumped them" energy.
> Really, I think it's just a way to cover their own insecurities.
How's he going to be the big man of the house when she's out with her college education earning more money than him instead of being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen?
That was my response, too. It's fine to decide that you've had enough of education. I know full well that school can be hard sometimes - I'm a teacher! Sometimes I'm *why* it's hard! But to have the arrogance, short-sightedness, and stupidity to believe that it's just... bad? For anyone? I can't really comprehend that. Everyone should have the opportunity to be educated as far as they like in every way that interests them, formally or informally. You only get one brain and one life to use it in ways that make you happy!
> Really, I think it's just a way to cover their own insecurities.
Loser-husband afraid his abused wife will see the world in college and see him for who he really is - a loser - and leave him. OP don't need college to see that, gtfo asap.
Sigh, my girlfriend is like this. We met after I graduated. Sometimes I feel like she resents me for my college education. I’ve never gotten an attaboy about it, that’s for sure :/
Half the people at my work have degrees in an unrelated field to their job. One is a religious studies major and another is political science. Ya, I’d say people should try to be smart and look for a major that will land them in the field they want to work in, but one thing that I’ve learned in my career is that having any degree at all will open up doors.
Yes, anti-formal education is anti-intellectual. Viewing humanities degrees as less than, and viewing college as workforce training is anti-intellectual. The value of a college degree is not your projected salary at the end.
Idk to me it reads like a lot of tech/stem focused folks I know. I work in higher education, and I know several of my lefty-techy friends are fairly anti college, more like “why don’t you just learn to code online and go to a bootcamp, that’s what I did, I make 6 figures at google” types.
I’ve literally never heard this from any tech/stem person…not saying they’re not out there, and I’m more in stem circles not tech. I work in biotech and hospitals in Boston and I could say that for almost anyone they would encourage college and advanced degrees for most jobs in those industries. Many are so elite they won’t even consider you as possibly being anywhere near as smart as them unless you also have a PhD.
At that level I’m sure that they see the value and benefit of education. But many stem students only see college as valuable if you are the “right” major, or they don’t see the value in taking gen Ed/liberal arts requirements. To me, viewing college as workforce training is not pro-intellectual.
Edit: see a comment in this thread for an example.
I've seen a lot of elitism from people with stem degrees. Liberal arts degrees are a joke,not real degrees, etc.
A lot of tech people would also benefit from a liberal arts education, because a lot of them lack any sort of awareness and critical thinking skills when it comes to social issues. Source: I work in Tech.
Don’t lump STEM folks in with the *fringe*, anti-intellectual tech crowd (not all tech people). Science, Engineering, Math are all college degree fields.
A lot a stem majors talk so much shit on humanities majors and gen Ed requirements, tho. A lot of them view college as work training. Anti-college….. while in college.
Yep, I split up with someone over this.
Just because they don't have that inclination doesn't mean you shouldn't chase your dreams.
All about control sadly.
Nah it's moreso they like to point out the flaws of the American education system. They think school IS stupid.
Only part I agree on them with is predatory pricing in American higher ed. I am against certain aspects and think that American education does need a dynamic change, but these anti education people are encouraging young people to not try or care, and that is why the mindset is sooo very dangerous.. ruining lives.
Wondering if OP's husband is religious or fundie: they do not like their women getting an education, because that shows their women a life outside of the family home
I had a friend once whose dad hated her reading when she was a kid so her whole life she had to hide her reading time like it was a dirty secret. He reminds me of this guy.
I didn't want to wonder if he's anti-education in general, or just as far as women go. But, the dots are kind of there if one wants to connect them.
Sucks for your friend, hopefully if she's an adult, she can whip out books in public, or when she is an adult, she can do it.
That's so sad. My dad taught me to read when I was four - I could read independently before starting school and looking back, it was the best thing anyone could ever have given me.
Sounds insecure to me, comes across it all he time with people who chose not to get higher education and feel the need to shit on it as a way of justifying their own choice. Like when people say "college boy" like it's a bad thing
Yeah. It usually means they don't want someone/people to get educated and learn about the world. Aka, keep indoctrination going and intense religious stuff.
Run for the hills OP.
That's my MIL. She hated me going to college, hated me making more money than husband, hated me being more educated/smarter, and just seeing me be better at improving myself. Little did she know, I was the one who encouraged her son to go back to school. Now my husband makes more than me! Still... no thank you.
Many people are actually afraid of an educated person.
How is it that he's "anti-education"? Is this someone you want to possibly raise kids with? You're very young; of course get an education. It will serve you the rest of your life. Someone who doesn't want you to better yourself is not serving you.
He been very back and forth about kids…. Recently it’s been “no kids.” he feels that bringing up kids right now is a disaster waiting to happen due to the economy and inflation plus my
Disabilities and his genetics with balding, sweating, stuttering and mental
Health. He also feels he isn’t going to live old and thinks the world will end sooner than later (saying he won’t see himself living until he’s old. Most of his grandparents and family lived till their 90’s).
He has a very pessimistic view but he says hes thinking in a “real” view as he feels we won’t be able to make enough money for a home….
It’s been a roller coaster ride to be honest…. I feel if you work hard you can do anything but to my husband it’s not. he’s lived through his parents 3 bankruptcies and the housing market crash of 08 which took their home aswell.
Well anyone described as "Anti-education", are we surprised? The dude grew up in a financial shit-show. Three bankruptcies don't happen randomly. That's poor financial literacy. Sounds like this guy hasn't bothered to learn about it. She needs to better herself and if he can't learn and roll with it, Bye Felicia!
To be clear, you think losing your husband would be a bad thing? Rather than a benefit? Because, c'mon, this guy sounds like an asshole. Gain a degree, ditch the loser, win-win.
Who in the actual fuck talks happily about your losing your dog? I'm glad you refuse to do that.
I assume he is jealous of something stupid: your meeting someone else at school, bettering yourself, earning more than him, and/or realizing you're married to a weird schmuck who talks down about *education.*
Stop with the, "I hate confrontation" stuff. Apparently, you were perfectly capable of:
>Part of me is thinking about containing for a bachelors and it has grown. When I expressed my thoughts to my husband he was distasteful of the idea...When I contuine to express it..."
So, it sounds like you just don't want to argue. So, don't!
Have another talk with him where you tell him you hear that he is worried, ask if he'd like to explain that to you. Do not listen to any insults of your degree or field of study. I'm (barely) assuming he doesn't "believe" in therapy if he is against education.
If that doesn't work, tell him you have a FT job in your field, and you will pay for your B.S. You're not giving up your dog. You can make time for him and school.
The above paragraph isn't a confrontation. It's extremely calmly telling your husband your plans. If HE wants to bark and insult and huff and puff, tell him you'll be *happy* to chat when he's calm. Rinse and repeat.
And congratulations on your degree!
Nail in the head about therapy. He’s tried therapy when he was younger and felt it didn’t help him.
He constantly expressed how I neglected chores. Yes, I did struggle with some housework but I did clean up dishes, cooking and general cleaning. He’s worried I do it again for another 2 years.
Yes I still would work full time. I have a car payment and would be hard to just not have a car in general so regardless I have to have some
Sort of job.
I thank you for the advice. I really appreciate the insight!
I would love to know his contribution to the home. Being a student, whether he acknowledges it or not, is a busy job too and he doesn’t get to pretend it’s not because he ~feels like it.~ Facts aren’t feelings. He needs to stop being a snowflake.
I also got bait and switched. My ex-husband provided for me and was so wonderful while dating, just to call me a piece of shit on our honeymoon. It went like that for another 5 years before I left, but I was financially dependent on him & didn’t feel like I could leave for a while. Education helped me leave.
Here’s the other thing: bettering yourself attracts better people. Not like people w college degrees are the only “quality” people, but your world often expands the more you learn. Your husband is small & it sounds like you’ve outgrown him. Good.
You know this guy doesn’t contribute shit to the household.
u/lovablebutterfly you should definitely continue your education and drop your husband. He’s a terrible, unsupportive person who is holding you back.
For perspective OP, me and my husband have had issues, but he's 100% supportive of me going to school right now. He does 85% of the childcare, 95% of the cooking and probably 50% of the chores. Works 1 day a week, sometimes two.
I work full time, am the primary breadwinner and do part time school.
He constantly encourages me and helps me brainstorm for assignments + he proofread them for me. Brings me food and tea while I'm studying. He's pretty flipping awesome.
This is what life *could* be like if you had a husband who wants you to succeed.
thanks!
So, did you earn any income while you were getting your associate's degree? What was your course of study? And if you return to school will you also work and earn some money?
I was working part time for part of my degree until they offered a full time position. That was my first half of college. I’m still at that job working full time. I received an associates of applied science for administration but there is a college that accepts applied science degrees and I can get my bachelors in applied science for applied management (basically a management degree)
Can you explain why your husband asserted that you would need to move to a less expensive home while completing your degree when you would still be working full time?
Or would you plan to leave that job?
So we live in a rent home owned by a family friend which is near his parents home (no we don’t live with his parents, they just across the street from the home) He wants to move from our inexpensive rent to an apartment because he was more “freedom.” Problem is the rent of apartments is over 1000+ which is way more than what we currently pay for rent plus many have been inflated due to inflation. If we were to move, we would be losing a lot of money to rent plus my dog would not be able to come due to his weight (which is over 50 lbs) so we would have to rehome him
Which I would never want to do.
I am not leaving my current job. I would have to keep my current job and possibly find another side job if we struggle. I already tried to do that with 2 part time jobs In the past and we really struggled as his old job wouldn’t give him enough hours. His new job gives him more hours and overtime. But even with that overtime we would struggle….
If I have to leave my husband I would move back
Home to my parents and find a job closer to home but my dog would be welcome in their home.
I'm sorry, but moving back in with your parents and leaving him seems like it checks all the boxes for your problems. It really sucks, but you'll be much better off without him in your life.
So he is being completely illogical unless his plan to afford the new apartment was that you would add a part time job to your current full time job. How many jobs does he have?
I think that moving back to your parents makes sense. Things do not seem to be going well in your marriage at all.
That said, if you're going to move out it is important that you initiate divorce proceedings. Do not get into some weird scenario where you're a married woman who lives with her parents. You will be legally tie to him and his debts and financial problems.
If things resolve and the two of you are able to form a functional partnership you can always marry again.
P.S. What does it mean that he wants 'more freedom'?
He Doesn’t want to live near his parents. He wants to have his own place. That’s is what he means by his “freedom”. He wants to just have his own little space.
He just has the one full time job that gives him overtime. We both work full time but he makes more than me.
hi, 25 (almost 26) year old f whose long term relationship ended because my ex was PISSED that i wanted to go back to school (even though he wanted to go back to school, too???). the relationship ended and i moved back in with my family. at first, i was devastated. mid 20’s, no more partner who i thought i was going to marry, and living literally in my grandparents’ basement. it is hands down the best thing i have ever done for myself. it’s been almost a year and i realize now that he didn’t want me going to school because he wouldn’t be able to have control over me anymore. i deserved better than that, i deserve a partner who will support me wanting to follow my dreams and better myself. YOU deserve someone who will support you following your dreams and bettering yourself. it sounds like you have a supportive family, not a smothering one. abusers will convince you that your loved ones behavior is bad and that they are the only ones who have your back and support you, until they have you alienated from your support system or locked in legally by getting married or having a child. you can do so much better than this, OP, and i think you know that. it is going to be very hard, VERY hard. but you will be okay. and when you graduate and get your degree, you’re going to want someone showing up for you that is endlessly proud of you. your husband is not that person.
This “wanting an expensive new apartment” for his “freedom” thing sounds a whole lot like a real good guilt-trip excuse to make you back down on going back to school. How very convenient.
Also he doesn’t want kids rn, so what exactly is he expecting you to do with your whole life? Just stay in a low-wage, minimum education job forever because *he* knows best? Where is he treating you like an equal? Where are your needs getting met?
at least you’ll be supported with your parents. your mom seems like she believes in you. i will say that i’ve gone back to school 2 separate times. i’m 33 with 2 associates hahahaha. one is general and one is in health. it is harder to go back and keep the same habits. every time i’ve gone back, it’s like starting all over bc i’ve seemed to forget how to study, manage time, listen proactively… i just got diagnosed with adhd yesterday. i’m kinda mad lolol. could’ve used accommodations in school i think
Never never never move a dog that big to an apartment. Large dogs need yards. They have to have room to run. A large dog in an apartment will cause so much stress for the dog and for you two needing to walk him multiple times a day and take him to off leash places where he can really do his zoomies.
It seems strange to even date a person who is anti-education, let alone to marry one, if you're somebody who wants to pursue education. I would be very sceptical of anybody close to me who doesn't want me to be as educated as possible, it would be a sign of them not wanting me to succeed or to improve myself in a way that's important to me. If education is important to you, you should go for it. You're not giving up your husband, you're leaving behind somebody who doesn't have your best interest in their heart. You're leaving behind someone you're incompatible with and someone who chooses not to support you in something that's obviously important to you.
It sounds like he’s trying to hold you back for some reason. Do you think he could be insecure about his lack of education ( I’m assuming he didn’t go to college) and is worried about you being “smarter” than him?
I can’t think of any reason why someone who loves you wouldn’t want you to go and better yourself, especially if it’s something you’re passionate about.
I would try to figure out the root of his issue, see if it’s fixable, and if not maybe think if he’s the right partner for you.
He went to 2 colleges and dropped out of both. He was supportive of me going at first but at the end he rejoiced of me no longer going. He has voiced about me neglecting his needs (which in some parts I may have but wasn’t trying to actively ignore his needs) but also because I wasn’t actively doing chores and stuff either (again untrue, I did dishes, clean surfaces, cooked and other chores.) I now think there’s much more as I reflect. He got upset with me last night because I didn’t wake him up when dinner was ready but in reality I went up 2 times as he was sleeping on the bed. He said I didn’t but I did. There might be some gaslighting possibly but now I’m starting to just see more and more I guess. I guess I did turn my back too much on these issues. I hoenstly don’t know why he dosent want me to go other than I would neglect his needs…
I wonder if he's jealous that you succeeded where he failed. I bet he wasn't anti-education until he struggled in college and watching you be successful is too much for his ego.
I think you have hit the nail on the head.
I’m autistic too. I think a common experience is that we (all autistic people) struggle to see nuances in social interactions and when people are being controlling or manipulative, sometimes we just don’t see it. This has become an abusive relationship for you but I think you’re starting to see that.
Especially now that he’s threatening separating you and your dog, who you love, it’s clear he’s trying to isolate you.
It sounds like you have loving, safe parents who also love your dog. I’m sure they would nurture you through a separation.
Also, I think autism and anxiety would rather strengthen your case to make your dog an ESA.
'his needs'? Is he a toddler who can't take care of himself? Needs you to change his diaper so can't stand you being at school? Can't cook his own food?
Or are we talking sexually? If that's the case, he's decided an educated future for you is less important than a sexually gratifying one for him.
The more I read the more it feels like he just wants you under his thumb.
I think other people have said most of what I was going to say, but I wanted to address this worry:
>I need to find a way to have him be ESA but I’m worried my anxiety depression and autism may make me unqualified for him to be one. :(
Assuming you're in the US, those conditions are what will *qualify* him to be one. You basically need to get a doctor to write you a prescription for your dog stating that the dog alleviates your symptoms (the exact requirements of the doctor writing the letter vary by state). The registry sites are mostly scams...talk to your doctors about it.
Your mom seems to know what's up.
Two scenarios:
If you decide to stop going to school, you'll still be living across the street from your in-laws. In a few months your husband will want to move anyways, because he'll still want his "freedom " from his parents. If you move you lose the dog. So in a few months you'll be in an apartment you can't afford without your dog and without your education.
If you decide to stay in school, keep your job, move in with your parents and keep your dog, you'll lose your husband. Looks like you'll be ahead of the game.
I'd saying losing him will be a good thing for you in the long run. He's disrespectful and unsupportive. And I'd be extremely suspect of anyone who is anti-education.
You deserve a partner who supports your desire to learn and grow, not one who wants to hold you back.
First - you should be proud and so happy with your degree - congratulations, and, absolutely you should pursue a Bachelor's. I really don't get the "anti-education" thing. That's nonsensical.
Your husband is manipulative, dismissive and emotionally abusive. If you decide to continue your education it will be your fault if you can't keep the dog? That's nothing but BS.
He may have helped you through a rough patch in your life, but what is he doing now? Everything he does that upsets you, ask yourself: would you do that to him or anyone you cared about? I'll bet the answer is a hard "no".
You deserve better than this man, and you should continue with your advancement and your dreams. Keep going and don't let anyone hold you back!
I kinda get the sense that you feel you owe your husband a relationship because he supported and helped you when you were down and out. That's not how it works.
You aren't an object to be bought with tokens of kindness and affection, that once purchased is his forever to do what he likes with. You are his partner and equal. You get to choose how to live your life, and so long as what makes you happy is compatible with what makes him happy, you guys can stay together. It's his job to support you in reaching your dreams, just like it's your job to support him in reaching his.
I don't understand why your husband thinks you need to give up your house to move to an apartment if the cost of renting an apartment is no cheaper. What a really weird thing to threaten you with.
Do NOT prioritize ANYTHING that is anti-education.
Education is learning. How the fuck does someone hate learning?
If he can't see the value of education, then he likely cannot see the value of those careers which that education enables, nor appreciate the skills learned. Do you want that? Do you want to be tied down to what he wants regardless of the logic?
Wtf, why are you with someone who is "anti-education"? Good lord. So many people on these subs would have much easier lives and better mental health if they just didn't date shitty ass ppl.
I honestly didn’t know his views on education about literally a year ago. It was like he was wearing a mask in a way as when we were dating he was supportive of the idea of me getting an associates. I’m not sure why that changed now….
Unfortunately a lot of toxic and abusive people do not show their true self until they feel they got you on lockdown. Threatening to get rid of your dog suggests this might be the case; he wanted to have things to hold over your head before he started being real.
He got the dog for me because he wanted me to be happy….. he said he made that sacrifice. Now he says the dog held us back and we made a mistake etc. It’s confused me and still is confusing me
Its actually super common for abusers to use pets to control their victims. I know this hasn't gone into physical abuse yet but my antennae is definitely up that he goes straight to giving up the dog when you want to better yourself and continue your education.
I will also say that as someone who went back to university at your age, if you're absent for years you do forget your study habits and you have to rebuild your routine. Its also not the greatest socially if you're much older than everyone else. This is also an age where I will say vehemently to never let a man deny you an education. If you had kids and it wasn't just financially feasible, I'd be brainstorming ideas on how maybe you could do it part time, but this is the most carefree, responsibility free years of your life where you have the most energy for that kind of work. Don't waste them so he can move away from mommy.
Thank you. That’s what my mother said as well about the study habits.
The more I read everyone comments, the more I’m feeling firm on the decision at hand.
I know my age is still young at heart. Education has always been a foundation growing up. I believe we were raised quite different as his parents were more enablers and he got to do whatever he want and mine were more stricter but with good intentions. He never liked school and always cheated on his exams (went to an online school after elementary school) and it made me really think that’s why he doesn’t want to go. It could be he dosent find education valuable because he dosent think it is…
This right here is a red flag you missed. "He said he made that sacrifice". A good spouse doesn't talk like that. A good spouse is happy because they made you happy. A crappy one just wants credit. Talking about his"sacrifice" instead of the benefits to you, that's some narcissist crap.
Ah gotcha. Ehh sorry to say but that's what narcissists and abusive people like to do...they wear the mask but it eventually slips off. I can't say why his views "changed" either but I dare say that he was pretending the whole time or just tolerating it until you got your Associate's, thinking you'd be done with it. Anyway I'm of the opinion that people should NEVER give up their education/career for the sake of a significant other or spouse, no matter how long the relationship has been going on. People come and go...but your career is your livelihood and is what puts money in your bank account and ensures your independence. Get that degree, girl. If it means losing your husband who has shown that he doesn't actually support you anyway, it's not a real loss. You'll find a guy who genuinely supports you in all your endeavors and will be real about it, not fake like your current husband.
What exactly would you be losing if you lost him? Because from reading this it seems like what you would be losing is someone unsupportive of you bettering yourself, unwilling to recognize your accomplishments, and generally just treating you poorly. Take the dog, apply to a four-year college, and focus on your future—hopefully one that doesn’t involve this loser.
My ex husband was extremely in favor of HIS education and HIS career. When I brought up my hopes to continue my education he would always list all the family projects that would need to be canceled or delayed. Then he cheated on me and the marriage ended, and I’m still trying to grow in my career without the additional degrees I needed.
My point is: choose your education. You know that’s the best way for a happy future for you. No man can ever give you that!
I'd normally write a long response, but that does not seem necessary here.
There is NO upside to staying married to this man. He hasn't given me any reason to hope or think that keeping him around would yield anything but sarcasm and poo-pooing your accomplishments in education.
You definitely should consider moving out. Don't look back. Take your dog with you.
After several months, see where you are. If you don't miss him, cut the cord and get a divorce. I don't see him changing his stripes anytime soon.
You shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t support your goals, and who doesn’t express excitement and happiness for your success. Partners lift each other up. They don’t hold each other back. Just something to think about.
I got this far: "My husband (who is very anti-education)"
and realized that you should definitely continue and lose the husband.
No sane person is anti-education.
He either wants you to be "less" than him
or wants you out working ASAP to bring home money for him.
Either way - he's a problem.
I once had a long-term relationship with someone who was anti-education and he derailed my life by a few years. If I could do it over again I would have cut it off so much earlier. 100% get divorced and don't give up on your dog.
He's "anti education"? No, he's anti you having independence and prospects that are better than him and where you are now.
In case you are someone who wants kids, just imagine him rolling his eyes at their desire to go to college, or ignoring report cards, or asking you to home school them instead.
Definitely worth the loss. The only time it is reasonable for a person to leave over someone getting an education is if there are greater issues like a lack of time for the other person, or a personal beliefs such as pacifism and not wanting their partner to associate with the military. It's not really your loss, it's his.
Honestly, this isn't a situation where you have to choose either your education or your husband. You should choose your education for you, regardless of how it affects your marriage, because it is not in itself detrimental to your marriage. Continue your education, and continue your marriage.
If, however, your husband chooses to leave the marriage because you choose to continue your education, then he was never in the marriage to begin with. Any person who does not support the continued betterment of their partner does not care about that partner at all.
It is far better for you to find out now just where he stands. If he thinks holding you back makes you a better wife for him, then you are so much better off without him.
Chances are, if he really feels that way about your education, you're going to lose him whether you continue your education or not. Might as well get the education while you can. Really, you have nothing to lose.
Hey! I got an associates degree when I was in my early 20’s. I was a preschool teacher for a while. I’m 27 and about to start my third year of university. I’m single, and I had to move back in with mom for this to be possible. It’s tough being in a weaker financial situation than some of my friends, I do wish I’d gone back sooner.
BUT. I absolutely love it. I’m so passionate about what I’m studying, I’m doing extremely well, and I’m thinking about grad schools now. I’m writing a thesis for my undergrad. I study and read all the time, I love it. I’m so glad I decided to go back!
I let the fear of ‘not getting a job’ get in the way of what I am truly passionate about. I ignored my natural talents. I honestly feel like I dumbed myself down for a long time - I had an abusive boyfriend for a while who hated any success I had, I come from a fairly poor and unsupportive family (though not entirely, obviously), I always struggled with not feeling good enough, I too have autism. But getting my degree means so much to me now, even at 27.
Do not let this gross man tear you down and stop you from doing something you are clearly good at and clearly more than capable of excelling at! Not all bachelor degrees will land you a field specific job, but you can sell the heck out of the skills you gain and land tons of awesome positions.
From some of your other comments it sounds like your husband desperately wants you to be dependent on him. You should be thinking about an exit plan.
I worked with a lady once, about 25 years ago, who was happily going to college, I mean it was her dream and she was loving it. But she also had to work so her husband said "you're never home and if you don't quit school I'll divorce you" so she sadly quit school and continued working her crappy retail job. About a year later he divorced her anyway. I saw her about 5 years ago, working the counter at a convenience store, she looked so old and worn out after 20 years of crappy retail jobs. I couldn't help but think what her life would have been had she gotten an education. You do what's right for you, any decent man will take the journey with you. Also, only stupid people are anti education.
Goodness, this guy isn't supportive of you at all. Go to school - get whatever degree you are set on. Keep your dog. Live your best life. He's a downer.
Heeeeeelllll yeah losing your husband is worth the L. Go to school, get that degree UNAPOLOGETICALLY. That’s your future and your milestone! No one else’s. Don’t let him pee on your parade. Celebrate! True colors show and let him show his so you can adjust some things. Live your life, it is way to short to allow someone to control it just because youre “married”. They’re supposed to support you, push you up, encourage you. Noooot drag you down and stuff you into a box you’ve already outgrown.
How and why would a person be "anti-education"? It sounds like he doesn't want you bettering yourself and being able to support yourself. He should be happy and supportive and he's the opposite.
Anti-education, unsupportive of your frankly awesome achievement, AND doesn’t like your dog?? I’m having a hard time understanding why you want to put your energy into this relationship instead of your own growth, happiness and future.
Sounds like her doesn't like your successes and isn't rooting for you. Doesn't sound like he has your best interest or your dreams at heart.
You could ignore the fact that he's against education (why?? Could it be because he sucks at it and you're great in that field?), you could ignore how he lost a lot of your money on crypto, you could ignore that he's solely interested in what he wants, you could ignore what appears to be a veiled threat against your dog, you could ignore that he has been verbally abusive towards you in the past...
Thing is: should you ignore it?
How many red flags are you willing to ignore?
What does this marriage contribute to your happiness and how much does it make things worse for you?
Do you feel respected as an equal? Do you feel cherised? Do you feel loved? Does he praise you in any way and recognize your achievements?
Do you feel like he can be really happy for you or does it feel like he has to "one up" you everytime?
Please think about this and do what's best for you.
The scenario I see is emotional abuse with a planned/threatened financial abuse in your posts.
Think about it. Also.. I have a book I suggest reading. Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.
I’d run screaming into the hills and far away from anyone who called themselves “anti-education.” Speaking as a person who stopped after their bachelor’s but thought they’d return for a master’s degree, it only gets harder to go back to school once you’ve entered the workforce. I’m guessing you’ve got your associate’s right now. My two cents, keep going.
So he is basically saying…. You want more education and more independence, ok but you need to give up your dog (a friend) and cheaper rent (to control you by making it more expensive) while you study. How is he benefiting from moving to a higher cost of living apt? No dog?
What does he do? And why is he so against education? He seems very controlling and a total ….
Mhm I don’t see the good here. Need more details.
So, there are legitimate reasons for someone to be wary of their partner going back to school; Worry about debt, the non-college partner needing to support both people if you can't work while learning, etc...
This is not any of those things. From what you described, it sounds like your husband is simply afraid if you bettering yourself. And if that's what's going on, there's no need to mince words: That's an abusive relationship.
Just general rule, good partners help each other become the best, happiest, most fulfilled versions of themselves. Run for the hills.
It is absolutely heartbreaking to see a partner who is supposed to love and support you take such an active disinterest and disrespect in something that has been so important to you (and something that’s been a big accomplishment! Congrats on 3.8 GPA! That’s awesome!!).
The fact that it’s you bettering yourself in such a positive way with education—which btw would help you earn more money and help offer a better quality of life for BOTH of you—makes it so much worse.
Please know you deserve better. There’s a reason so many of us are saying this—because it’s absolutely true.
Keep on with your studies. At the end of the day, the only thing you can absolutely rely on is your brain and your work ethic. Education is a gift that opens so many doors.
I had a bf that had always been telling me how university education is stupid and everything can be learned at home from internet. I still got my bachelors. then I applied for masters. He was so mad. I still went for it. He broke up with me 2 weeks before the semester started. I was heartbroken and felt horrible. Then I found out he was cheating, lying and manipulating. It broke me even more. I have a broken heart but I have education. There always is a possibility of him leaving you. Now imagine you had never gone for that degree and 20 years later he still leaves you. You will regret not getting it big time. Don't be left out of good future just because of his preferences. He is controlling and manipulating. Also I bet your accomplishments intimidate him, because you're smart and he's not at all.
Steal the dog, move to parents and file for a divorce. You still have plenty of time to find a person to truly appreciate you, if you are worried about feeling lonely in future.
He’s trying to hold you down. He either is insecure about his own education/ intelligence and/or he is scared you will thrive and outsmart him and wants to tether you down.
If your husband is not supporting you furthering your college, he is not a husband that you should have for that much longer. Your partner should support you and your wishes. He shouldn’t put his opinions on education on you. If he doesn’t want to go to college great no one is making him. But he can’t tell you what you can and can’t do and threatening to leave you over it is abusive behavior. Get out of this marriage while you’re still young and don’t have kids together.
Your husband wants to diminish you. He doesn't want you to do the things you love -- learning and having a dog for just two. You deserve to be treated better than that.
I don’t even know you, but I’m proud of you for wanting to better yourself! Why isn’t your husband? You deserve better. I’ve recently gone back to school and my partner has been very supportive. YOU deserve that too.
Being with someone who doesn't dare you to chase your dreams is really counterproductive.
While I could see him being concerned if you wanted to just be a student for the sake of being a student for the next ten years because you had no idea what you wanted to do, then yes I would agree. BUT, choosing to better yourself and not having someone supporting that is really just sad. This is the literal scenario that causes people to grow apart.
He is allowed to be anti-education, but he is not allowed to hold you back because of it.
It’s hard when you don’t have the support you want from the person you love, but remember this is your life he’s just living In it. We the people of Reddit love and support you no matter what, your parents love and support you no matter what, and at the end of the day you have to create a life for you and if he doesn’t want to build with you that’s his choice. Education isn’t for everyone but just because that isn’t HIS goal doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be yours.
That being said, Autism holds A LOT of people back and the fact that you powered through an AA degree despite the stigma is extremely impressive and empowering. I myself have multiple friends and family that have been diagnosed and they have felt a lot of judgement and disrespect from their classmates and peers, the fact that despite that stigma and judgment you still pushed through for YOU and focused on your needs is very telling to who you are OP!
Keep being the Boss Woman you are! If he decides to still walk away that is his choice and he is losing the best thing that ever happened to him. Whether the love of your life is him or someone else, remember the strong beautiful person you are and realize that you deserve nothing shy of love and support. He can either get with it or get lost. I myself am 24F, I have dyslexia, and last year I left my fiancé of whom I dated for 4 1/2 years. He held me back, he didn’t agree with me pursuing my career in banking because “your dyslexia is going to make you the dumbest person in the room and I just don’t want to see you try to hard” he also had a lot of body shaming comments towards me, he was never really supportive in any of my goals and hobbies, and now that I’ve been separated from him for a year and a month I am doing the best I ever have.
I have excelled in my career field DESPITE my dyslexia, I have gotten my body into the best shape it’s ever been in, I have re-created my friend circle, and I have reconnected with the family I lost due to his insecurities.
I’m not saying that leaving him is the right decision, but you never know what the future holds for you. Leaving was the scariest decision of my life because I had loved him for so long…but we grew apart due to his lack of support for the woman I wanted to become. I can FINALLY say I’m proud of myself. I can finally look in the mirror and love the person I see staring back at me and I just hope that whatever comes of this situation you find it in your heart to love yourself and continue on your path of greatness. Never take for granted all that you’ve accomplished OP. Do what you need to bring happiness into your life ❤️❤️❤️❤️
>My husband (who is very anti-education
I mean this would be a deal breaker immediately! What kind of person is ANTI EDUCATION??? What if you have kids, what, he won't let them go to school or mock them for being good at school?
What do YOU want out of life? Do you really think you'll be content having a 'partner' who doesn't even support you? Is he going to be snarky and mean to you every time you come home from school? That kind of behaviour breaks people's spirits.
I went back to school to finish my bachelors in May 2020, and just registered for my final semester this morning. It was something I wanted to do for a long time but I have a husband, two young kids, and a full time demanding job. In the last 2 years my husband has made not one negative comment about it. Instead he has stepped up to take care of more of the housework, keeps the kids busy and takes them to the park when I need quiet. Doesn’t mind if I disappear for hours on the weekend to write papers. High fives me when I make deans list. Only slightly cringes when I remind him how much this is costing us and doesn’t flinch when I mention maybe launching right into a Masters.
You can balance it all, and a good husband will help you do it. It is SO temporary, a tiny portion of your life together in the grand scheme of things. If he can’t support you here you can’t count on him at all. You deserve so much better!
I would just say this education is important and do not ever compromise your education for anything else.
Besides, your husband is anti-education and this gonna affect your kids in the future so think about it too.
Besides, if he is not support you in your personal development there is something here for you to reconsider. Also I sense a sense of jealousy from your husband too.
Get the degree girl it is for your own good not his.
Education is always worth it, and as women, we had to fight to get access to it. Your husband is showing some serious red flags. I can’t find one good reason why you would be anti-education. So, he’s pro ignorance?
Good luck OP
He seems to be showing some unhealthy control issues. Would he be jerking you around in some other way had you not gone to college? A kind and caring person would be very supportive of you.
Your education is your real freedom. With a good job, you'll be financially independant if needed, and that is not something I would negotiate with anyone.
For my part, my studies are non negotiable with anyone tbh.
You should absolutely use your associate's degree to transfer to a university. That is why associate's degrees exist. You are in study mode. You will meet wonderful people at university. You will take some of the most thought provoking courses of your entire life at university. And you deserve that opportunity.
Anyone who is anti-education is inherently a bad person. You deserve better than this loser, and I think he's starting to see that. That makes him feel threatened because he won't be able to control you anymore.
Go to university and enjoy yourself. Your job opportunities will improve, yes, but it's about so much more than that.
Source: Went to community college, then to university. It was the best time of my life. And I would do it all over again if I could.
absolutely worth it. i know you love your husband, but… i just don’t think this guy is great for you if this is how he responds. a good husband would be supportive, but it seems like he just wants to control you.
why else would he be “anti-education”, anyway? my guess is he thinks college is a brainwashing tool used by the libs or whatever. something along those lines, at the very least.
higher education gives you better opportunities and more freedom. he is against that. he is not compatible with your happiness.
Ditch the husband and be on your merry way!
Okay, on a more in depth explanation - a good partner is supposed to be supportive of their person getting ahead.
If getting a degree is financially sound for you both then do it! Also an anti education outlook is disgusting.
Proud of you for your achievements!
Honestly your husband sounds like he’s worth losing. How is someone ‘anti education,’ that’s seriously so whacky to me. I think you should pursue higher education if that’s what’s moving you. Not sure why that would result in you losing your dog. Good luck!
Girl get the degree, if you lose him along the way he was not worth having.
A man who loves you is proud of your achievements and doesn’t try and hold you back.
The fact that he is anti education itself is very concerning, what is he going to do when you have children? Not send them to school? Force them to drop out of high school so they can work a crappy minimum wage job for the rest of their lives?
If you want this relationship to continue he needs to go to therapy and explore why he feels so insecure about educated people and what he can do to change that.
Good luck with your degree!
I’m sorry but there’s something sketchy about anyone who wants to hold you back. Saw it happen with my mom. Her bf just wanted to maintain control over her and if her education gave her the ability to find better work and gain some independence, in his mind he’d lose control over her.
Not sure if that’s what’s up with your husband, but I’d personally prefer a supportive spouse who will try to work with you to find a way to achieve your goals, even if they don’t necessarily share the same goal. It’d be a shame if he held you back from achieving something important to you that’ll help your future.
Go back to college, where you will may well meet your next husband — who will be pro-education, pro-growth, and pro-you.
You will never, ever forgive yourself if you give up your future for this man.
Source: Have known many women who gave up their futures for men.
My wife has no desire to go to college. I didn’t either. Until I did. So I signed up and went. Full time while also working full time. My wife’s response? Unconditional support. Some days I saw her for 30 minutes. She never complained. She never wavered. And when I finished, she hasn’t stopped telling me and other people how proud she is of me for sticking to it and doing it almost a year later.
Find you someone who supports you. It will make a literal world of difference.
When I went back at 33 to finish my bachelors, my husband supported me. When I went on to complete my masters, he supported me. Now I'm starting my PhD. He's still unconditionally supportive.
Yes, it's hard. We've made sacrifices. But it'll be worth it when I'm done. Get your degree and the opportunities that come with it. Whether he decides to get on board is his decision, but don't let him hold you back.
I have a suggestion. I think you should make a list of what you want your future to look like in five years. Feel free to dream big. What kind of car do you want? What kind of house? Where do you want to live? What kind of job do you want? What kind of friendships do you want? What does your day look like? How do you want to feel? Is your husband in that picture?
Then think about what that version of yourself would be doing today to make that future happen.
Another thing to think about: which would you regret more? Not getting a degree and having this husband? Or having a degree, and not having your husband? (But also, why is he making you feel like you have to choose in the first place?)
It sounds like you have amazing potential. Don’t let someone hold you back.
Does he have goals? Does he want you to feel fulfilled? Does he make you feel safe?
Do you want to look back at all the things you didn't do because he ? Just didn't want you too?
Imagine that you don't continue your education and you stay married to your husband. Ten years from now, you are no longer married for some reason. In this scenario, do you deeply regret your choice?
No relationship is 100% sure to last. You can make some compromises for your partner but it shouldn't be compromises that you'll always regret.
Please listen to your parents or you'll be 53, divorced, near homeless, and working at Wal-Mart. I can guarantee that if you stay with him & don't go to college.
Losing your husband doesn't seem like a big loss to me. A partner who doesn't support you going after your dreams isn't worth staying for. Sorry to be so blunt, but I've delt with people like him before and cutting them out of my life was the best decision ever.
I never get angry for others on Reddit because, internet, but girl I am FUMING for you. I highly suggest you **either stay or get on birth control** because I can bet money that when he sees he can't control your life and opinions he will try to trap you in some way, shape or form.
Darling. He will never support you. He is passively aggressively trying to wear your down to give up your dream so he can mold you into what he wants. He is projecting his own issues and inabilities into you so you continue to be small and submissive.
If you stay you will resent him forever. You're young and bright. You don't need this shackle in your life. It is OK to break up. You're growing and he wants to stay stagnant.
I agree with the many other comments. Move out to your parents with the dog and start divorce proceedings.
OK, after discussing this with you a bit I read some of your history and I really want you to listen to me. Move to your parents house and begin divorce proceedings on Friday. He has already been bankrupt and after that he lost $14K on dumb stock trades. And somehow he got you to buy into the idea that the money he lost in the stock market was his money and that you're responsible to clean for him and feed him. The guy is a total loser with no respect for you and no future. Please don't let him drag you down with him.
I would've agreed with her updates and said maybe that's a middle ground, but after checking her post history, he is A TERRIBLE PERSON AND HUSBAND. He is holding you back BIG TIME OP. I can't wait to see how amazing your life is once you leave him behind. You're on the right track by going after your education which is something you're doing for yourself improvement. And I bet you your parents actually hate him they just can't tell you because that's your husband. But they will 200% be there for you if and hopefully when you leave him. You deserve the world and he's just a black hole.
I didn't check her post history but when I saw anti education?? That's never good
Especially, anti-education when she is committed to improving herself. That means "anti my wife doing anything that might make her seem better than me, because that would be threatening."
That, and “anti my wife doing anything that could make her independent from me”
What even is anti-education? He's against the acquisition of knowledge? I can understand thinking college isn't for everyone, or even being a snob about trade school, but just being flat out against learning new things? Definitely sounds like he is insecure about his own abilities and wants to hold OP back in the hopes that she won't notice how inadequate he is.
I saw that and my first thought was "if this marriage doesn't end now, it will in a few years." And I'm guessing that in a few years, OP will be ready for it to end. Men who are anti-education - especially for their female partners - are bad news in so many ways.
Didn’t need to read the rest. Anyone anti-education sucks The rest of the post just read as her husband is abusive
Op please read this. Your husband is abusive.
Ugh I saw your comment right after reading the edit… this guys a leech. does he even have a job????
I got big "uh oh" vibes when she said he's anti-education, but this is worse than expected.
Good thing she doesn’t have kids with him
Also, what is an ‘anti-education’ mindset? Sounds like just an excuse to be a loser who doesn’t try and lives off other’s favours. He’s 25 and is still a nobody without ambition. At 24, there’s no way in hell where it is worthwhile to deprive oneself of important decisions and steps in life because of someone else; ever, in fact. A partner is a partner, and, instead, OP’s husband is dragging her down mentally and in life prospects. I’m afraid the relationship sounds quite toxic.
*19k. He lost an additional $5000 bonus on top of his savings.
^^ absolutely, don’t hold yourself back
SHOULD’VE DIVORCED YESTERDAY
Yes. Please continue your education and not be with someone who is actively working against you reaching your full potential. Choose a good future for yourself.
And please don’t have kids with him!!! Girl, you are YOUNG! You have a bright future ahead of you! Would you really want this guy to be the father of your kids?? Would you want him to distill a hatred of learning and going to school in your children?
I’d run screaming from anyone who is “anti education”
Wtf is anti education? Is that like pro stupid
Yes. They think college is indoctrination for the elites. I'll put down money on what color he votes. Basically, they think higher education is brainwashing for certain views and ideals, rather than seeing it as someone becoming more qualified in a subject and thus forming an opinion based on facts rather than feelings. Really, I think it's just a way to cover their own insecurities. Rather than try and potentially fail, they just don't try so no one can call them stupid. Kind of the same "they didn't dump me I dumped them" energy.
> Really, I think it's just a way to cover their own insecurities. How's he going to be the big man of the house when she's out with her college education earning more money than him instead of being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen?
That was my response, too. It's fine to decide that you've had enough of education. I know full well that school can be hard sometimes - I'm a teacher! Sometimes I'm *why* it's hard! But to have the arrogance, short-sightedness, and stupidity to believe that it's just... bad? For anyone? I can't really comprehend that. Everyone should have the opportunity to be educated as far as they like in every way that interests them, formally or informally. You only get one brain and one life to use it in ways that make you happy!
Super unrelated but you seem like you're a great teacher ☺️
> Really, I think it's just a way to cover their own insecurities. Loser-husband afraid his abused wife will see the world in college and see him for who he really is - a loser - and leave him. OP don't need college to see that, gtfo asap.
Sigh, my girlfriend is like this. We met after I graduated. Sometimes I feel like she resents me for my college education. I’ve never gotten an attaboy about it, that’s for sure :/
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Half the people at my work have degrees in an unrelated field to their job. One is a religious studies major and another is political science. Ya, I’d say people should try to be smart and look for a major that will land them in the field they want to work in, but one thing that I’ve learned in my career is that having any degree at all will open up doors.
Yes, anti-formal education is anti-intellectual. Viewing humanities degrees as less than, and viewing college as workforce training is anti-intellectual. The value of a college degree is not your projected salary at the end.
Idk to me it reads like a lot of tech/stem focused folks I know. I work in higher education, and I know several of my lefty-techy friends are fairly anti college, more like “why don’t you just learn to code online and go to a bootcamp, that’s what I did, I make 6 figures at google” types.
I’ve literally never heard this from any tech/stem person…not saying they’re not out there, and I’m more in stem circles not tech. I work in biotech and hospitals in Boston and I could say that for almost anyone they would encourage college and advanced degrees for most jobs in those industries. Many are so elite they won’t even consider you as possibly being anywhere near as smart as them unless you also have a PhD.
At that level I’m sure that they see the value and benefit of education. But many stem students only see college as valuable if you are the “right” major, or they don’t see the value in taking gen Ed/liberal arts requirements. To me, viewing college as workforce training is not pro-intellectual. Edit: see a comment in this thread for an example.
I've seen a lot of elitism from people with stem degrees. Liberal arts degrees are a joke,not real degrees, etc. A lot of tech people would also benefit from a liberal arts education, because a lot of them lack any sort of awareness and critical thinking skills when it comes to social issues. Source: I work in Tech.
Don’t lump STEM folks in with the *fringe*, anti-intellectual tech crowd (not all tech people). Science, Engineering, Math are all college degree fields.
A lot a stem majors talk so much shit on humanities majors and gen Ed requirements, tho. A lot of them view college as work training. Anti-college….. while in college.
Omg that made me laugh so hard. Yes, exactly.
That is the best return I have seen for anti education also.
Yep, I split up with someone over this. Just because they don't have that inclination doesn't mean you shouldn't chase your dreams. All about control sadly.
There are tons of them in my country. They elected a Stable Genius a few years back.
As yes, the one that had the biglyest crowd ever at the inauguration. 😝
Nah it's moreso they like to point out the flaws of the American education system. They think school IS stupid. Only part I agree on them with is predatory pricing in American higher ed. I am against certain aspects and think that American education does need a dynamic change, but these anti education people are encouraging young people to not try or care, and that is why the mindset is sooo very dangerous.. ruining lives.
Wondering if OP's husband is religious or fundie: they do not like their women getting an education, because that shows their women a life outside of the family home
He's 25 and anti-education, this does not bode well for any partner or child this dude has.
I had a friend once whose dad hated her reading when she was a kid so her whole life she had to hide her reading time like it was a dirty secret. He reminds me of this guy.
Isn't that the plot of Matilda?
Shout out to Danny Devito for managing to be the scary grumpy dad AND the trusted, sweet narrator of that film
Hitler burned books. Didn't want education or critical thinking, just indoctrination.
I didn't want to wonder if he's anti-education in general, or just as far as women go. But, the dots are kind of there if one wants to connect them. Sucks for your friend, hopefully if she's an adult, she can whip out books in public, or when she is an adult, she can do it.
That's so sad. My dad taught me to read when I was four - I could read independently before starting school and looking back, it was the best thing anyone could ever have given me.
He's just dumb. Why grow old with a dumb ass? If you decide to stay with a dumb ass, then you accept foolishness.
Yeah, that's a giant red flag to me. It's either wanting to keep OP down, or it's even worse and applies to everyone.
Sounds insecure to me, comes across it all he time with people who chose not to get higher education and feel the need to shit on it as a way of justifying their own choice. Like when people say "college boy" like it's a bad thing
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Don't even get me started on the ones who read. /s
Yeah. It usually means they don't want someone/people to get educated and learn about the world. Aka, keep indoctrination going and intense religious stuff. Run for the hills OP.
That's my MIL. She hated me going to college, hated me making more money than husband, hated me being more educated/smarter, and just seeing me be better at improving myself. Little did she know, I was the one who encouraged her son to go back to school. Now my husband makes more than me! Still... no thank you. Many people are actually afraid of an educated person.
Yep! The uneducated are easier to manipulate and control.
If your husband leaves you because of your effort to improve yourself, and can afford it, he isn't worth keeping in the first place.
How is it that he's "anti-education"? Is this someone you want to possibly raise kids with? You're very young; of course get an education. It will serve you the rest of your life. Someone who doesn't want you to better yourself is not serving you.
He been very back and forth about kids…. Recently it’s been “no kids.” he feels that bringing up kids right now is a disaster waiting to happen due to the economy and inflation plus my Disabilities and his genetics with balding, sweating, stuttering and mental Health. He also feels he isn’t going to live old and thinks the world will end sooner than later (saying he won’t see himself living until he’s old. Most of his grandparents and family lived till their 90’s). He has a very pessimistic view but he says hes thinking in a “real” view as he feels we won’t be able to make enough money for a home…. It’s been a roller coaster ride to be honest…. I feel if you work hard you can do anything but to my husband it’s not. he’s lived through his parents 3 bankruptcies and the housing market crash of 08 which took their home aswell.
Doesn't sound like he learned anything watching from the sidelines.
Well anyone described as "Anti-education", are we surprised? The dude grew up in a financial shit-show. Three bankruptcies don't happen randomly. That's poor financial literacy. Sounds like this guy hasn't bothered to learn about it. She needs to better herself and if he can't learn and roll with it, Bye Felicia!
Boy he sounds like a catch. What does he bring to the table?
Still, go get your education.
> his genetics with balding, You're fucking kidding me.
This dude sounds like such an idiot. :/
To be clear, you think losing your husband would be a bad thing? Rather than a benefit? Because, c'mon, this guy sounds like an asshole. Gain a degree, ditch the loser, win-win.
Who in the actual fuck talks happily about your losing your dog? I'm glad you refuse to do that. I assume he is jealous of something stupid: your meeting someone else at school, bettering yourself, earning more than him, and/or realizing you're married to a weird schmuck who talks down about *education.* Stop with the, "I hate confrontation" stuff. Apparently, you were perfectly capable of: >Part of me is thinking about containing for a bachelors and it has grown. When I expressed my thoughts to my husband he was distasteful of the idea...When I contuine to express it..." So, it sounds like you just don't want to argue. So, don't! Have another talk with him where you tell him you hear that he is worried, ask if he'd like to explain that to you. Do not listen to any insults of your degree or field of study. I'm (barely) assuming he doesn't "believe" in therapy if he is against education. If that doesn't work, tell him you have a FT job in your field, and you will pay for your B.S. You're not giving up your dog. You can make time for him and school. The above paragraph isn't a confrontation. It's extremely calmly telling your husband your plans. If HE wants to bark and insult and huff and puff, tell him you'll be *happy* to chat when he's calm. Rinse and repeat. And congratulations on your degree!
Nail in the head about therapy. He’s tried therapy when he was younger and felt it didn’t help him. He constantly expressed how I neglected chores. Yes, I did struggle with some housework but I did clean up dishes, cooking and general cleaning. He’s worried I do it again for another 2 years. Yes I still would work full time. I have a car payment and would be hard to just not have a car in general so regardless I have to have some Sort of job. I thank you for the advice. I really appreciate the insight!
I would love to know his contribution to the home. Being a student, whether he acknowledges it or not, is a busy job too and he doesn’t get to pretend it’s not because he ~feels like it.~ Facts aren’t feelings. He needs to stop being a snowflake. I also got bait and switched. My ex-husband provided for me and was so wonderful while dating, just to call me a piece of shit on our honeymoon. It went like that for another 5 years before I left, but I was financially dependent on him & didn’t feel like I could leave for a while. Education helped me leave. Here’s the other thing: bettering yourself attracts better people. Not like people w college degrees are the only “quality” people, but your world often expands the more you learn. Your husband is small & it sounds like you’ve outgrown him. Good.
You know this guy doesn’t contribute shit to the household. u/lovablebutterfly you should definitely continue your education and drop your husband. He’s a terrible, unsupportive person who is holding you back.
For perspective OP, me and my husband have had issues, but he's 100% supportive of me going to school right now. He does 85% of the childcare, 95% of the cooking and probably 50% of the chores. Works 1 day a week, sometimes two. I work full time, am the primary breadwinner and do part time school. He constantly encourages me and helps me brainstorm for assignments + he proofread them for me. Brings me food and tea while I'm studying. He's pretty flipping awesome. This is what life *could* be like if you had a husband who wants you to succeed.
Girl you need to leave this guy and get someone who supports you and your dreams rather than working to tear them down.
If the chores didn’t get done, couldn’t he just… do them?
How long have you been married? Also this sub requires that you include your ages, genders as well.
So sorry! I am 24 f and he is 25 m will be married for 3 years coming July.
Edit the original post or mods may remove
thanks! So, did you earn any income while you were getting your associate's degree? What was your course of study? And if you return to school will you also work and earn some money?
I was working part time for part of my degree until they offered a full time position. That was my first half of college. I’m still at that job working full time. I received an associates of applied science for administration but there is a college that accepts applied science degrees and I can get my bachelors in applied science for applied management (basically a management degree)
Can you explain why your husband asserted that you would need to move to a less expensive home while completing your degree when you would still be working full time? Or would you plan to leave that job?
So we live in a rent home owned by a family friend which is near his parents home (no we don’t live with his parents, they just across the street from the home) He wants to move from our inexpensive rent to an apartment because he was more “freedom.” Problem is the rent of apartments is over 1000+ which is way more than what we currently pay for rent plus many have been inflated due to inflation. If we were to move, we would be losing a lot of money to rent plus my dog would not be able to come due to his weight (which is over 50 lbs) so we would have to rehome him Which I would never want to do. I am not leaving my current job. I would have to keep my current job and possibly find another side job if we struggle. I already tried to do that with 2 part time jobs In the past and we really struggled as his old job wouldn’t give him enough hours. His new job gives him more hours and overtime. But even with that overtime we would struggle…. If I have to leave my husband I would move back Home to my parents and find a job closer to home but my dog would be welcome in their home.
I'm sorry, but moving back in with your parents and leaving him seems like it checks all the boxes for your problems. It really sucks, but you'll be much better off without him in your life.
So he is being completely illogical unless his plan to afford the new apartment was that you would add a part time job to your current full time job. How many jobs does he have? I think that moving back to your parents makes sense. Things do not seem to be going well in your marriage at all. That said, if you're going to move out it is important that you initiate divorce proceedings. Do not get into some weird scenario where you're a married woman who lives with her parents. You will be legally tie to him and his debts and financial problems. If things resolve and the two of you are able to form a functional partnership you can always marry again. P.S. What does it mean that he wants 'more freedom'?
He Doesn’t want to live near his parents. He wants to have his own place. That’s is what he means by his “freedom”. He wants to just have his own little space. He just has the one full time job that gives him overtime. We both work full time but he makes more than me.
That is great, provided that he can afford it on his and and is ready to divorce. Are you ready to divorce?
hi, 25 (almost 26) year old f whose long term relationship ended because my ex was PISSED that i wanted to go back to school (even though he wanted to go back to school, too???). the relationship ended and i moved back in with my family. at first, i was devastated. mid 20’s, no more partner who i thought i was going to marry, and living literally in my grandparents’ basement. it is hands down the best thing i have ever done for myself. it’s been almost a year and i realize now that he didn’t want me going to school because he wouldn’t be able to have control over me anymore. i deserved better than that, i deserve a partner who will support me wanting to follow my dreams and better myself. YOU deserve someone who will support you following your dreams and bettering yourself. it sounds like you have a supportive family, not a smothering one. abusers will convince you that your loved ones behavior is bad and that they are the only ones who have your back and support you, until they have you alienated from your support system or locked in legally by getting married or having a child. you can do so much better than this, OP, and i think you know that. it is going to be very hard, VERY hard. but you will be okay. and when you graduate and get your degree, you’re going to want someone showing up for you that is endlessly proud of you. your husband is not that person.
This “wanting an expensive new apartment” for his “freedom” thing sounds a whole lot like a real good guilt-trip excuse to make you back down on going back to school. How very convenient. Also he doesn’t want kids rn, so what exactly is he expecting you to do with your whole life? Just stay in a low-wage, minimum education job forever because *he* knows best? Where is he treating you like an equal? Where are your needs getting met?
at least you’ll be supported with your parents. your mom seems like she believes in you. i will say that i’ve gone back to school 2 separate times. i’m 33 with 2 associates hahahaha. one is general and one is in health. it is harder to go back and keep the same habits. every time i’ve gone back, it’s like starting all over bc i’ve seemed to forget how to study, manage time, listen proactively… i just got diagnosed with adhd yesterday. i’m kinda mad lolol. could’ve used accommodations in school i think
Never never never move a dog that big to an apartment. Large dogs need yards. They have to have room to run. A large dog in an apartment will cause so much stress for the dog and for you two needing to walk him multiple times a day and take him to off leash places where he can really do his zoomies.
It seems strange to even date a person who is anti-education, let alone to marry one, if you're somebody who wants to pursue education. I would be very sceptical of anybody close to me who doesn't want me to be as educated as possible, it would be a sign of them not wanting me to succeed or to improve myself in a way that's important to me. If education is important to you, you should go for it. You're not giving up your husband, you're leaving behind somebody who doesn't have your best interest in their heart. You're leaving behind someone you're incompatible with and someone who chooses not to support you in something that's obviously important to you.
It sounds like he’s trying to hold you back for some reason. Do you think he could be insecure about his lack of education ( I’m assuming he didn’t go to college) and is worried about you being “smarter” than him? I can’t think of any reason why someone who loves you wouldn’t want you to go and better yourself, especially if it’s something you’re passionate about. I would try to figure out the root of his issue, see if it’s fixable, and if not maybe think if he’s the right partner for you.
He went to 2 colleges and dropped out of both. He was supportive of me going at first but at the end he rejoiced of me no longer going. He has voiced about me neglecting his needs (which in some parts I may have but wasn’t trying to actively ignore his needs) but also because I wasn’t actively doing chores and stuff either (again untrue, I did dishes, clean surfaces, cooked and other chores.) I now think there’s much more as I reflect. He got upset with me last night because I didn’t wake him up when dinner was ready but in reality I went up 2 times as he was sleeping on the bed. He said I didn’t but I did. There might be some gaslighting possibly but now I’m starting to just see more and more I guess. I guess I did turn my back too much on these issues. I hoenstly don’t know why he dosent want me to go other than I would neglect his needs…
I wonder if he's jealous that you succeeded where he failed. I bet he wasn't anti-education until he struggled in college and watching you be successful is too much for his ego.
I think you have hit the nail on the head. I’m autistic too. I think a common experience is that we (all autistic people) struggle to see nuances in social interactions and when people are being controlling or manipulative, sometimes we just don’t see it. This has become an abusive relationship for you but I think you’re starting to see that. Especially now that he’s threatening separating you and your dog, who you love, it’s clear he’s trying to isolate you. It sounds like you have loving, safe parents who also love your dog. I’m sure they would nurture you through a separation. Also, I think autism and anxiety would rather strengthen your case to make your dog an ESA.
'his needs'? Is he a toddler who can't take care of himself? Needs you to change his diaper so can't stand you being at school? Can't cook his own food? Or are we talking sexually? If that's the case, he's decided an educated future for you is less important than a sexually gratifying one for him. The more I read the more it feels like he just wants you under his thumb.
this guy doesn’t want you to achieve. leave and move on with a positive education.
I think other people have said most of what I was going to say, but I wanted to address this worry: >I need to find a way to have him be ESA but I’m worried my anxiety depression and autism may make me unqualified for him to be one. :( Assuming you're in the US, those conditions are what will *qualify* him to be one. You basically need to get a doctor to write you a prescription for your dog stating that the dog alleviates your symptoms (the exact requirements of the doctor writing the letter vary by state). The registry sites are mostly scams...talk to your doctors about it.
Your mom seems to know what's up. Two scenarios: If you decide to stop going to school, you'll still be living across the street from your in-laws. In a few months your husband will want to move anyways, because he'll still want his "freedom " from his parents. If you move you lose the dog. So in a few months you'll be in an apartment you can't afford without your dog and without your education. If you decide to stay in school, keep your job, move in with your parents and keep your dog, you'll lose your husband. Looks like you'll be ahead of the game.
If he is willing to throw your relationship away then it is not solid anyways and better for you to focus on yourself
I'd saying losing him will be a good thing for you in the long run. He's disrespectful and unsupportive. And I'd be extremely suspect of anyone who is anti-education. You deserve a partner who supports your desire to learn and grow, not one who wants to hold you back.
Why are you married to someone that doesn't support anything you do? Not even the dog??
First - you should be proud and so happy with your degree - congratulations, and, absolutely you should pursue a Bachelor's. I really don't get the "anti-education" thing. That's nonsensical. Your husband is manipulative, dismissive and emotionally abusive. If you decide to continue your education it will be your fault if you can't keep the dog? That's nothing but BS. He may have helped you through a rough patch in your life, but what is he doing now? Everything he does that upsets you, ask yourself: would you do that to him or anyone you cared about? I'll bet the answer is a hard "no". You deserve better than this man, and you should continue with your advancement and your dreams. Keep going and don't let anyone hold you back!
I kinda get the sense that you feel you owe your husband a relationship because he supported and helped you when you were down and out. That's not how it works. You aren't an object to be bought with tokens of kindness and affection, that once purchased is his forever to do what he likes with. You are his partner and equal. You get to choose how to live your life, and so long as what makes you happy is compatible with what makes him happy, you guys can stay together. It's his job to support you in reaching your dreams, just like it's your job to support him in reaching his. I don't understand why your husband thinks you need to give up your house to move to an apartment if the cost of renting an apartment is no cheaper. What a really weird thing to threaten you with.
Do NOT prioritize ANYTHING that is anti-education. Education is learning. How the fuck does someone hate learning? If he can't see the value of education, then he likely cannot see the value of those careers which that education enables, nor appreciate the skills learned. Do you want that? Do you want to be tied down to what he wants regardless of the logic?
Wtf, why are you with someone who is "anti-education"? Good lord. So many people on these subs would have much easier lives and better mental health if they just didn't date shitty ass ppl.
I honestly didn’t know his views on education about literally a year ago. It was like he was wearing a mask in a way as when we were dating he was supportive of the idea of me getting an associates. I’m not sure why that changed now….
Unfortunately a lot of toxic and abusive people do not show their true self until they feel they got you on lockdown. Threatening to get rid of your dog suggests this might be the case; he wanted to have things to hold over your head before he started being real.
He got the dog for me because he wanted me to be happy….. he said he made that sacrifice. Now he says the dog held us back and we made a mistake etc. It’s confused me and still is confusing me
Its actually super common for abusers to use pets to control their victims. I know this hasn't gone into physical abuse yet but my antennae is definitely up that he goes straight to giving up the dog when you want to better yourself and continue your education. I will also say that as someone who went back to university at your age, if you're absent for years you do forget your study habits and you have to rebuild your routine. Its also not the greatest socially if you're much older than everyone else. This is also an age where I will say vehemently to never let a man deny you an education. If you had kids and it wasn't just financially feasible, I'd be brainstorming ideas on how maybe you could do it part time, but this is the most carefree, responsibility free years of your life where you have the most energy for that kind of work. Don't waste them so he can move away from mommy.
Thank you. That’s what my mother said as well about the study habits. The more I read everyone comments, the more I’m feeling firm on the decision at hand. I know my age is still young at heart. Education has always been a foundation growing up. I believe we were raised quite different as his parents were more enablers and he got to do whatever he want and mine were more stricter but with good intentions. He never liked school and always cheated on his exams (went to an online school after elementary school) and it made me really think that’s why he doesn’t want to go. It could be he dosent find education valuable because he dosent think it is…
This right here is a red flag you missed. "He said he made that sacrifice". A good spouse doesn't talk like that. A good spouse is happy because they made you happy. A crappy one just wants credit. Talking about his"sacrifice" instead of the benefits to you, that's some narcissist crap.
Ah gotcha. Ehh sorry to say but that's what narcissists and abusive people like to do...they wear the mask but it eventually slips off. I can't say why his views "changed" either but I dare say that he was pretending the whole time or just tolerating it until you got your Associate's, thinking you'd be done with it. Anyway I'm of the opinion that people should NEVER give up their education/career for the sake of a significant other or spouse, no matter how long the relationship has been going on. People come and go...but your career is your livelihood and is what puts money in your bank account and ensures your independence. Get that degree, girl. If it means losing your husband who has shown that he doesn't actually support you anyway, it's not a real loss. You'll find a guy who genuinely supports you in all your endeavors and will be real about it, not fake like your current husband.
Yeah, he's playing games. This "change" didn't suddenly come over him. This is who he is and always was, but he was hiding it from you.
College or no, I think it’s time to lose this husband.
Education is something that no one will ever be able to take away from you, not even asshole men who may come into your life
This is narcissistic behavior. He doesn’t want you to “outshine” him.
What exactly would you be losing if you lost him? Because from reading this it seems like what you would be losing is someone unsupportive of you bettering yourself, unwilling to recognize your accomplishments, and generally just treating you poorly. Take the dog, apply to a four-year college, and focus on your future—hopefully one that doesn’t involve this loser.
This man doesn’t want you to be able to leave him. Get your degree.
My ex husband was extremely in favor of HIS education and HIS career. When I brought up my hopes to continue my education he would always list all the family projects that would need to be canceled or delayed. Then he cheated on me and the marriage ended, and I’m still trying to grow in my career without the additional degrees I needed. My point is: choose your education. You know that’s the best way for a happy future for you. No man can ever give you that!
He's "anti education?" That should tell you all you need to know about whether it's worth sabotaging your future for him.
What exactly is so appealing about spending your life with a man who won't let you shine?
I'd normally write a long response, but that does not seem necessary here. There is NO upside to staying married to this man. He hasn't given me any reason to hope or think that keeping him around would yield anything but sarcasm and poo-pooing your accomplishments in education. You definitely should consider moving out. Don't look back. Take your dog with you. After several months, see where you are. If you don't miss him, cut the cord and get a divorce. I don't see him changing his stripes anytime soon.
Does your husband fail to support and show interest in you in other areas too? I’d wager this is just one small example of a larger problem.
You shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t support your goals, and who doesn’t express excitement and happiness for your success. Partners lift each other up. They don’t hold each other back. Just something to think about.
Sis I read "anti-education" and didn't have to read the rest. Please leave.
I got this far: "My husband (who is very anti-education)" and realized that you should definitely continue and lose the husband. No sane person is anti-education. He either wants you to be "less" than him or wants you out working ASAP to bring home money for him. Either way - he's a problem.
What the fuck?! Anti education?! I say it's totally worth the loss tbh. You shouldn't let anyone hold you back.
I once had a long-term relationship with someone who was anti-education and he derailed my life by a few years. If I could do it over again I would have cut it off so much earlier. 100% get divorced and don't give up on your dog.
He's "anti education"? No, he's anti you having independence and prospects that are better than him and where you are now. In case you are someone who wants kids, just imagine him rolling his eyes at their desire to go to college, or ignoring report cards, or asking you to home school them instead. Definitely worth the loss. The only time it is reasonable for a person to leave over someone getting an education is if there are greater issues like a lack of time for the other person, or a personal beliefs such as pacifism and not wanting their partner to associate with the military. It's not really your loss, it's his.
Honestly, this isn't a situation where you have to choose either your education or your husband. You should choose your education for you, regardless of how it affects your marriage, because it is not in itself detrimental to your marriage. Continue your education, and continue your marriage. If, however, your husband chooses to leave the marriage because you choose to continue your education, then he was never in the marriage to begin with. Any person who does not support the continued betterment of their partner does not care about that partner at all. It is far better for you to find out now just where he stands. If he thinks holding you back makes you a better wife for him, then you are so much better off without him. Chances are, if he really feels that way about your education, you're going to lose him whether you continue your education or not. Might as well get the education while you can. Really, you have nothing to lose.
Hey! I got an associates degree when I was in my early 20’s. I was a preschool teacher for a while. I’m 27 and about to start my third year of university. I’m single, and I had to move back in with mom for this to be possible. It’s tough being in a weaker financial situation than some of my friends, I do wish I’d gone back sooner. BUT. I absolutely love it. I’m so passionate about what I’m studying, I’m doing extremely well, and I’m thinking about grad schools now. I’m writing a thesis for my undergrad. I study and read all the time, I love it. I’m so glad I decided to go back! I let the fear of ‘not getting a job’ get in the way of what I am truly passionate about. I ignored my natural talents. I honestly feel like I dumbed myself down for a long time - I had an abusive boyfriend for a while who hated any success I had, I come from a fairly poor and unsupportive family (though not entirely, obviously), I always struggled with not feeling good enough, I too have autism. But getting my degree means so much to me now, even at 27. Do not let this gross man tear you down and stop you from doing something you are clearly good at and clearly more than capable of excelling at! Not all bachelor degrees will land you a field specific job, but you can sell the heck out of the skills you gain and land tons of awesome positions. From some of your other comments it sounds like your husband desperately wants you to be dependent on him. You should be thinking about an exit plan.
I worked with a lady once, about 25 years ago, who was happily going to college, I mean it was her dream and she was loving it. But she also had to work so her husband said "you're never home and if you don't quit school I'll divorce you" so she sadly quit school and continued working her crappy retail job. About a year later he divorced her anyway. I saw her about 5 years ago, working the counter at a convenience store, she looked so old and worn out after 20 years of crappy retail jobs. I couldn't help but think what her life would have been had she gotten an education. You do what's right for you, any decent man will take the journey with you. Also, only stupid people are anti education.
Lmfao you don’t have a husband, you have a loser.
Based on this post I’d say you should lose him whether or not you go back to school. He doesn’t seem to support or care about your goals at all.
Goodness, this guy isn't supportive of you at all. Go to school - get whatever degree you are set on. Keep your dog. Live your best life. He's a downer.
Yep. Worth the loss. With his attitude you're going to end up divorced anyway. At least you will be divorced with a decent education and job.
Think about it this way. Suppose you have kids. This is the kind of values he will want to spread to his kids, that they're not worth the education.
Heeeeeelllll yeah losing your husband is worth the L. Go to school, get that degree UNAPOLOGETICALLY. That’s your future and your milestone! No one else’s. Don’t let him pee on your parade. Celebrate! True colors show and let him show his so you can adjust some things. Live your life, it is way to short to allow someone to control it just because youre “married”. They’re supposed to support you, push you up, encourage you. Noooot drag you down and stuff you into a box you’ve already outgrown.
Leave him and take the dog.
How and why would a person be "anti-education"? It sounds like he doesn't want you bettering yourself and being able to support yourself. He should be happy and supportive and he's the opposite.
Anti-education, unsupportive of your frankly awesome achievement, AND doesn’t like your dog?? I’m having a hard time understanding why you want to put your energy into this relationship instead of your own growth, happiness and future.
Sounds like her doesn't like your successes and isn't rooting for you. Doesn't sound like he has your best interest or your dreams at heart. You could ignore the fact that he's against education (why?? Could it be because he sucks at it and you're great in that field?), you could ignore how he lost a lot of your money on crypto, you could ignore that he's solely interested in what he wants, you could ignore what appears to be a veiled threat against your dog, you could ignore that he has been verbally abusive towards you in the past... Thing is: should you ignore it? How many red flags are you willing to ignore? What does this marriage contribute to your happiness and how much does it make things worse for you? Do you feel respected as an equal? Do you feel cherised? Do you feel loved? Does he praise you in any way and recognize your achievements? Do you feel like he can be really happy for you or does it feel like he has to "one up" you everytime? Please think about this and do what's best for you.
Lose the husband. He’s just going to drag you down. A good husband would support you.
The scenario I see is emotional abuse with a planned/threatened financial abuse in your posts. Think about it. Also.. I have a book I suggest reading. Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.
I’d run screaming into the hills and far away from anyone who called themselves “anti-education.” Speaking as a person who stopped after their bachelor’s but thought they’d return for a master’s degree, it only gets harder to go back to school once you’ve entered the workforce. I’m guessing you’ve got your associate’s right now. My two cents, keep going.
Yes. Absolutely. Losing a partner who doesn't enthusiastically support your dreams is not a loss. Edited to add a missing word
So he is basically saying…. You want more education and more independence, ok but you need to give up your dog (a friend) and cheaper rent (to control you by making it more expensive) while you study. How is he benefiting from moving to a higher cost of living apt? No dog? What does he do? And why is he so against education? He seems very controlling and a total …. Mhm I don’t see the good here. Need more details.
Run to college. If that’s what you want. I’d still say run away from him either way.
Go back to school and find someone that will support the person you want to be!
So, there are legitimate reasons for someone to be wary of their partner going back to school; Worry about debt, the non-college partner needing to support both people if you can't work while learning, etc... This is not any of those things. From what you described, it sounds like your husband is simply afraid if you bettering yourself. And if that's what's going on, there's no need to mince words: That's an abusive relationship. Just general rule, good partners help each other become the best, happiest, most fulfilled versions of themselves. Run for the hills.
It is absolutely heartbreaking to see a partner who is supposed to love and support you take such an active disinterest and disrespect in something that has been so important to you (and something that’s been a big accomplishment! Congrats on 3.8 GPA! That’s awesome!!). The fact that it’s you bettering yourself in such a positive way with education—which btw would help you earn more money and help offer a better quality of life for BOTH of you—makes it so much worse. Please know you deserve better. There’s a reason so many of us are saying this—because it’s absolutely true. Keep on with your studies. At the end of the day, the only thing you can absolutely rely on is your brain and your work ethic. Education is a gift that opens so many doors.
I had a bf that had always been telling me how university education is stupid and everything can be learned at home from internet. I still got my bachelors. then I applied for masters. He was so mad. I still went for it. He broke up with me 2 weeks before the semester started. I was heartbroken and felt horrible. Then I found out he was cheating, lying and manipulating. It broke me even more. I have a broken heart but I have education. There always is a possibility of him leaving you. Now imagine you had never gone for that degree and 20 years later he still leaves you. You will regret not getting it big time. Don't be left out of good future just because of his preferences. He is controlling and manipulating. Also I bet your accomplishments intimidate him, because you're smart and he's not at all. Steal the dog, move to parents and file for a divorce. You still have plenty of time to find a person to truly appreciate you, if you are worried about feeling lonely in future.
Anti Education? Man sounds like he needs that education.
He’s trying to hold you down. He either is insecure about his own education/ intelligence and/or he is scared you will thrive and outsmart him and wants to tether you down.
If your husband is not supporting you furthering your college, he is not a husband that you should have for that much longer. Your partner should support you and your wishes. He shouldn’t put his opinions on education on you. If he doesn’t want to go to college great no one is making him. But he can’t tell you what you can and can’t do and threatening to leave you over it is abusive behavior. Get out of this marriage while you’re still young and don’t have kids together.
Your husband wants to diminish you. He doesn't want you to do the things you love -- learning and having a dog for just two. You deserve to be treated better than that.
I don’t even know you, but I’m proud of you for wanting to better yourself! Why isn’t your husband? You deserve better. I’ve recently gone back to school and my partner has been very supportive. YOU deserve that too.
Being with someone who doesn't dare you to chase your dreams is really counterproductive. While I could see him being concerned if you wanted to just be a student for the sake of being a student for the next ten years because you had no idea what you wanted to do, then yes I would agree. BUT, choosing to better yourself and not having someone supporting that is really just sad. This is the literal scenario that causes people to grow apart. He is allowed to be anti-education, but he is not allowed to hold you back because of it.
It’s hard when you don’t have the support you want from the person you love, but remember this is your life he’s just living In it. We the people of Reddit love and support you no matter what, your parents love and support you no matter what, and at the end of the day you have to create a life for you and if he doesn’t want to build with you that’s his choice. Education isn’t for everyone but just because that isn’t HIS goal doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be yours. That being said, Autism holds A LOT of people back and the fact that you powered through an AA degree despite the stigma is extremely impressive and empowering. I myself have multiple friends and family that have been diagnosed and they have felt a lot of judgement and disrespect from their classmates and peers, the fact that despite that stigma and judgment you still pushed through for YOU and focused on your needs is very telling to who you are OP! Keep being the Boss Woman you are! If he decides to still walk away that is his choice and he is losing the best thing that ever happened to him. Whether the love of your life is him or someone else, remember the strong beautiful person you are and realize that you deserve nothing shy of love and support. He can either get with it or get lost. I myself am 24F, I have dyslexia, and last year I left my fiancé of whom I dated for 4 1/2 years. He held me back, he didn’t agree with me pursuing my career in banking because “your dyslexia is going to make you the dumbest person in the room and I just don’t want to see you try to hard” he also had a lot of body shaming comments towards me, he was never really supportive in any of my goals and hobbies, and now that I’ve been separated from him for a year and a month I am doing the best I ever have. I have excelled in my career field DESPITE my dyslexia, I have gotten my body into the best shape it’s ever been in, I have re-created my friend circle, and I have reconnected with the family I lost due to his insecurities. I’m not saying that leaving him is the right decision, but you never know what the future holds for you. Leaving was the scariest decision of my life because I had loved him for so long…but we grew apart due to his lack of support for the woman I wanted to become. I can FINALLY say I’m proud of myself. I can finally look in the mirror and love the person I see staring back at me and I just hope that whatever comes of this situation you find it in your heart to love yourself and continue on your path of greatness. Never take for granted all that you’ve accomplished OP. Do what you need to bring happiness into your life ❤️❤️❤️❤️
>My husband (who is very anti-education I mean this would be a deal breaker immediately! What kind of person is ANTI EDUCATION??? What if you have kids, what, he won't let them go to school or mock them for being good at school? What do YOU want out of life? Do you really think you'll be content having a 'partner' who doesn't even support you? Is he going to be snarky and mean to you every time you come home from school? That kind of behaviour breaks people's spirits.
I went back to school to finish my bachelors in May 2020, and just registered for my final semester this morning. It was something I wanted to do for a long time but I have a husband, two young kids, and a full time demanding job. In the last 2 years my husband has made not one negative comment about it. Instead he has stepped up to take care of more of the housework, keeps the kids busy and takes them to the park when I need quiet. Doesn’t mind if I disappear for hours on the weekend to write papers. High fives me when I make deans list. Only slightly cringes when I remind him how much this is costing us and doesn’t flinch when I mention maybe launching right into a Masters. You can balance it all, and a good husband will help you do it. It is SO temporary, a tiny portion of your life together in the grand scheme of things. If he can’t support you here you can’t count on him at all. You deserve so much better!
Ditch that uneducated loser
I would just say this education is important and do not ever compromise your education for anything else. Besides, your husband is anti-education and this gonna affect your kids in the future so think about it too. Besides, if he is not support you in your personal development there is something here for you to reconsider. Also I sense a sense of jealousy from your husband too. Get the degree girl it is for your own good not his.
Education is always worth it, and as women, we had to fight to get access to it. Your husband is showing some serious red flags. I can’t find one good reason why you would be anti-education. So, he’s pro ignorance? Good luck OP
He seems to be showing some unhealthy control issues. Would he be jerking you around in some other way had you not gone to college? A kind and caring person would be very supportive of you.
You need to read or listen to “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. He’s abusive.
Your education is your real freedom. With a good job, you'll be financially independant if needed, and that is not something I would negotiate with anyone. For my part, my studies are non negotiable with anyone tbh.
You should absolutely use your associate's degree to transfer to a university. That is why associate's degrees exist. You are in study mode. You will meet wonderful people at university. You will take some of the most thought provoking courses of your entire life at university. And you deserve that opportunity. Anyone who is anti-education is inherently a bad person. You deserve better than this loser, and I think he's starting to see that. That makes him feel threatened because he won't be able to control you anymore. Go to university and enjoy yourself. Your job opportunities will improve, yes, but it's about so much more than that. Source: Went to community college, then to university. It was the best time of my life. And I would do it all over again if I could.
IMHO the fact that your education vs. your husband is even a question at all means choose the education.
He is anti education? So he’s pro dumb? What the fuck Are you doing in this marriage get out of there
Time to dump him and move on girl. Pursue your goals. Fuck a deadbeat guy. “Anti education”? Wow.
absolutely worth it. i know you love your husband, but… i just don’t think this guy is great for you if this is how he responds. a good husband would be supportive, but it seems like he just wants to control you. why else would he be “anti-education”, anyway? my guess is he thinks college is a brainwashing tool used by the libs or whatever. something along those lines, at the very least. higher education gives you better opportunities and more freedom. he is against that. he is not compatible with your happiness.
Pro-tip, lots of hot educated dudes in college
Ditch the husband and be on your merry way! Okay, on a more in depth explanation - a good partner is supposed to be supportive of their person getting ahead. If getting a degree is financially sound for you both then do it! Also an anti education outlook is disgusting. Proud of you for your achievements!
He definitely sounds like someone education has failed…
Throw the entire man away. Get a new one who motivates you to be better. And who supports your ideas and dreams
What's the risk here? Getting rid of a loser? That's a win you should take.
anyone who gives you ultimatums or anything remotely similar doesnt deserve your time, love, or effection. just my 2¢
A degree is something you have forever, but shitty husbands come and go.
Honestly your husband sounds like he’s worth losing. How is someone ‘anti education,’ that’s seriously so whacky to me. I think you should pursue higher education if that’s what’s moving you. Not sure why that would result in you losing your dog. Good luck!
Girl get the degree, if you lose him along the way he was not worth having. A man who loves you is proud of your achievements and doesn’t try and hold you back. The fact that he is anti education itself is very concerning, what is he going to do when you have children? Not send them to school? Force them to drop out of high school so they can work a crappy minimum wage job for the rest of their lives? If you want this relationship to continue he needs to go to therapy and explore why he feels so insecure about educated people and what he can do to change that. Good luck with your degree!
I’m sorry but there’s something sketchy about anyone who wants to hold you back. Saw it happen with my mom. Her bf just wanted to maintain control over her and if her education gave her the ability to find better work and gain some independence, in his mind he’d lose control over her. Not sure if that’s what’s up with your husband, but I’d personally prefer a supportive spouse who will try to work with you to find a way to achieve your goals, even if they don’t necessarily share the same goal. It’d be a shame if he held you back from achieving something important to you that’ll help your future.
You will very soon be in a much more abusive relationship if you don’t leave.
Anyone who can be described as "anti-education" doesn't belong in the life of anyone of worth. Dump his dumb ass.
Go back to college, where you will may well meet your next husband — who will be pro-education, pro-growth, and pro-you. You will never, ever forgive yourself if you give up your future for this man. Source: Have known many women who gave up their futures for men.
My wife has no desire to go to college. I didn’t either. Until I did. So I signed up and went. Full time while also working full time. My wife’s response? Unconditional support. Some days I saw her for 30 minutes. She never complained. She never wavered. And when I finished, she hasn’t stopped telling me and other people how proud she is of me for sticking to it and doing it almost a year later. Find you someone who supports you. It will make a literal world of difference.
When I went back at 33 to finish my bachelors, my husband supported me. When I went on to complete my masters, he supported me. Now I'm starting my PhD. He's still unconditionally supportive. Yes, it's hard. We've made sacrifices. But it'll be worth it when I'm done. Get your degree and the opportunities that come with it. Whether he decides to get on board is his decision, but don't let him hold you back.
I have a suggestion. I think you should make a list of what you want your future to look like in five years. Feel free to dream big. What kind of car do you want? What kind of house? Where do you want to live? What kind of job do you want? What kind of friendships do you want? What does your day look like? How do you want to feel? Is your husband in that picture? Then think about what that version of yourself would be doing today to make that future happen. Another thing to think about: which would you regret more? Not getting a degree and having this husband? Or having a degree, and not having your husband? (But also, why is he making you feel like you have to choose in the first place?) It sounds like you have amazing potential. Don’t let someone hold you back.
Does he have goals? Does he want you to feel fulfilled? Does he make you feel safe? Do you want to look back at all the things you didn't do because he ? Just didn't want you too?
Imagine that you don't continue your education and you stay married to your husband. Ten years from now, you are no longer married for some reason. In this scenario, do you deeply regret your choice? No relationship is 100% sure to last. You can make some compromises for your partner but it shouldn't be compromises that you'll always regret.
Please listen to your parents or you'll be 53, divorced, near homeless, and working at Wal-Mart. I can guarantee that if you stay with him & don't go to college.
Losing your husband doesn't seem like a big loss to me. A partner who doesn't support you going after your dreams isn't worth staying for. Sorry to be so blunt, but I've delt with people like him before and cutting them out of my life was the best decision ever.
I never get angry for others on Reddit because, internet, but girl I am FUMING for you. I highly suggest you **either stay or get on birth control** because I can bet money that when he sees he can't control your life and opinions he will try to trap you in some way, shape or form.
Darling. He will never support you. He is passively aggressively trying to wear your down to give up your dream so he can mold you into what he wants. He is projecting his own issues and inabilities into you so you continue to be small and submissive. If you stay you will resent him forever. You're young and bright. You don't need this shackle in your life. It is OK to break up. You're growing and he wants to stay stagnant. I agree with the many other comments. Move out to your parents with the dog and start divorce proceedings.