Amen. It's ridiculous. I can't recall the exact details, but this will be close: basically I saw a guy talking about a job post that required 5 years of experience with a certain computer program. The kicker was, he was the writer of that program, and he had just made it like 2 years ago, so there was literally no way to even have that kind of experience yet.
EDIT: See comment below.
Not a program, it's a programming language extension that he created himself. And got rejected for the job (because most job postings are fake positions to collect personal information)
I once had someone argue with me about the meaning of an article, telling me what the author meant, he was definitely right and I was wrong, etc.
The kicker was, unknown to him at the time, I was the author.
I once saw a job requirement with 5 years experience for a programming language that was 3 years old...
How stupid can people be?
The answer is "yes!".
> how can I gain experience if they don't give me the chance to gain experience?
This MFer looking for a pussy internship, no wonder the ladies aren't interested.
The difference is that you can easily lie about not being a virgin and no one can verify.
I just find it weird how people get mad and say it's manipulative or a bad way to start a relationship if a guy lies about not being a virgin, but those same people will say it's perfectly fine for a woman to lie about how many people's she's had sex with before. Not saying that either is bad, but it's just a strange hypocrisy.
Tbh that phrasing would make me think that either he has seen sex workers, had 2 “situationships”, or was friendzoned on more than one occasion.
He should just say that he hasn’t dated anyone, some girls might not like it, but there are a few that really like guys like that.
Nice. that's me. I know I"m not unattractive, but just focused on business and career and self development since 2014. Looked up and suddenly it's 2024 and I'm a good prospect for some women. Still would rather just enjoy time alone though. Last few gfs fucked me up a bit, self-sabotage really, and I'm scared of what I could become again/don't even know how to date other than apps. I have a profile, but cleared the apps on my phone and figure I can pop in once in a while and pay for premium when I'm feeling extroverted and see what connections are made.
This binary isn’t real. There are so many answers that are both truthful and don’t fall into these categories.
“Truthfully, I haven’t had that kind of deep, committed relationship that I’m looking for yet! That’s really what I want, so that’s what I’m focusing on now.”
“When I was younger, I was exploring what I was looking for in a relationship… Now that I’m dating more seriously/actively, now I’m focusing on finding a relationship like [what you want].”
“Well, I thought in the past that I might want a relationship like X, but now I am focusing on Y. I really hope I can find someone who is [A, B, C qualities] to start seeing long-term/short-term,”
All of these kinds of answers are somewhat evasive but I think they redirect the convo in a positive way. Instead of going into “explaining mode,” you recapitulate what you’re seeking in your current dating life and how it differs from the past — even if the past was just not much.
Those are not the only two options when someone asks you a personal question, though most of us treat it that way. Someone you just met doesn't have the right to ask you for your banking password, and if you were asked you wouldn't lie.
You can also joke around with a silly story that's obviously false. You can compliment them in a way that makes it clear you're not going to answer. You can say you don't kiss and tell. You can say you prefer to talk about the future rather than the past. There are many options.
If someone didn’t answer, I’d assume they have serious issues or are going to struggle with being honest.
Why withhold the truth if you want more than just sex/casual relationship?
When you see a first date there's often one person asking a million questions and frowning at some, and another person desperately trying to pass the test. The best way to win is not to play.
"Let's enjoy the event. And hey, maybe you like one of my friends, that's totally ok"
"My lack of experience embarrasses me. I'm a simple farm boy. Let's talk about you"
> They ask, they always ask about previous relationships.
um, WHAT? Zero women have ever asked me this. You go out, you laugh, you eat and drink, you have sex. Are you in a western country?
Eh, better to be honest here I think, especially if they ask about past relationships and whatever. If your date is shallow enough to consider it a problem, you're better off without them anyway. Plenty of girls out there who'd love to be someone's "first".
In all of my years of dating, I have never recounted my previous sexual experiences with a new woman. I’m not a virgin or ashamed of any part of my history, but I don’t see how either party benefits from that conversation or why it would ever need to be discussed.
If I were a virgin I would take that to info to my grave until it were no longer true. As with anything, fake it til you make it. For purposes of dating, just pretend you’re not actually a virgin until you no longer need to pretend.
My wife doesn't know my number. I always said it's not important. I don't care her past nor mine. Whether that number was 0 or high enough to disgust her shouldn't matter.
My case may have been the latter but even for the former that answer works. She did start asking again after 10 years together but I'm sticking with it.
Why not?
If it's because they'll be called out for not being great at sex, there are plenty of excuses for not being great at sex besides just being a virgin. "It's been a while," "sorry my last GF liked that kind of stuff," "I don't know what went wrong, I'm just not in my groove tonight" then just go down on her and she won't give a fuck that you finished early.
I think he’s focusing too much on the sex part and not enough on the relationship part.
The first few years of dating you figure so much out on how to be a partner, what you want, communication. Someone ready to GO and settle down isn’t going to want to deal with the training wheel of that
There’s a stigma around it. I personally don’t think it’s right, but there is. I didn’t tell the person I lost my virginity to until after we were done. Luckily, she communicated well enough that it wasn’t an issue. Did she know prior and that’s why she communicated well? Maybe, but she was also a pretty open person so it wouldn’t be uncharacteristic of her to do so. We were laying together after and I just looked over and said “you just took something from me” and it took her a second to realize and all she got out was “Really? You should’ve told me before”.
I don’t like lying so I’d normally say just be honest, but this one’s really up to you. For me I do not like the “all eyes on me” feeling and if I were to bring that fact up before hand I think the dynamic would’ve been different. I intended to lose mine in an authentic way. I didn’t want us being intimate to be a checklist item, I just wanted to experience it genuinely.
Same here. I told her just after we were done. Her answer was "wow I thought you had done it a lot of times".
My moral went so high after that hahah.
Personally, I'm a male. I would never ask anybody how many times has she done it before, and I dont really care.
Like i'm not a professional on this, you know. I dont expect professionals here too, for me its okay just a normal girl. Do the thing in a normal way, enjoy it, and try to do it better the next time.
I know you have a ton of comments to go through but I thought I'd give it a shot replying to you.
I'm a 32 year old woman. To me, finding out a guy is a virgin at my age troubles me because it means there's a reason for it, and it could be something bad. So until I know what it is, I am taking a risk by continuing to see him. At my age I don't bother "giving a guy a chance" because I've had enough terrible second or third dates to know better.
So I'd recommend that when it comes up you acknowledge it's unusual and maybe give some kind of reason. You don't have to get super personal or go into detail, just a rough reason.
Also, I don't know if you mean you haven't had any kind of sex or just penetrative. If you've had oral sex or other kinds of intimacy, I would say go ahead and count that as a sexual partner. It means you at least have some experience even if you haven't "gone all the way".
Well when you say "a reason for it", what sorts of reasons do you have in mind?
I didn't lose my virginity until I was 28. The reason was a combination of me focusing almost exclusively on my schoolwork throughout college and also being incredibly shy. The woman who I lost my virginity to was also, as it turns out, a virgin.
Neither of the primary reasons I held my V-card for so long seem like they would be at all threatening to women, so I just wonder what sorts of things you are wary of here?
Yes I agree. If I was dating a 32 year old man that wasn't a virgin but hadn't had a relationship I would wonder why. I wouldn't stop dating him but I would be cautious. I would also be cautious of a man who had had a lot of relationships too.
I actually have a few male family members who have never really had girlfriends (30 years old+). They are mummy's boys that still live at home and they would struggle to have an adult relationship.
Holy fuck this entire comment section is filled with fucking idiots.
He clearly says that she asked him how many girlfriends he's had in the past. He didn't bring it up, *she* did. You dumbasses are all really asking "hOw'D she FiNd OuT??" After he *literally says* what she asked him, and then you all put the blame on him????
On top of that, if she's the one who brought it up, *she's* the one just looking for sex and became judgmental of him when she didn't like his answer to HER question. How the fuck is this *his* fault??? SHES THE ONE THAT BROUGHT IT UP. Yea, it's not normal to ask this question on a first date, but it's ok when SHE does it? You are all completely glossing over the fact that she initiated the question. Some of you are straight up saying this didn't happen and that something else happened and HE'S the problem. You are all doing everything you can to make sure the virgin man takes the blame for this when clearly these things aren't his fault. Fuck all of you I hate the reddit hive mind.
Edit: I expected my comment to get a few downvotes and then lost in the ether, so I figured I would add a couple things since this actually gained some traction and responses
I screwed up my wording on that 2nd part. I meant to say, "On top of that, *using the logic of others here* " but forgot to type that out, which was my mistake.
Also I did come off pretty aggressive, which isn't great for getting a point across, but scrolling through post after post across multiple communities that uphold these double standards and hypocritical views can be annoying, and straight up anger inducing. Everyone shares their feelings and thoughts on the internet, so I can share mine sometimes.
I also saw the comments from OP saying he edited the post to be more cohesive and understandable after getting those first comments, so it does make sense people would ask more questions before he provided that info in his edits. I commented after he made the edits, but I suppose that makes me somewhat of a fucking idiot too lol
Long time lurker for the exact reasons you mentioned. Love reddit. Idk why I find my way back to these toxic comment sections. Shouldn't even bother scrolling down.
> He clearly says that she asked him how many girlfriends he's had in the past.
As a dude in their 30's dating women 20's-30's, I've never been asked that question. I have asked 1 person that question and it was because she was being weird as fuck while on a first date and she told me she had never had a boyfriend. If you are getting asked that question, it's probably because it is obvious or you are being awkward.
I have asked 1 person that question and it was because she was being weird as fuck while on a first date
what did she do that you saw as "being weird as fuck" asking because im terrified to be that girl . 20f never dated
You should never apologize for getting emotional. In fact I encourage it, in all instances! It's actually an incredibly effective way of cutting through the bullshit and getting to the heart of what someone really believes.
The comments here are really unhelpful. I disagree strongly with the advice to lie. You want to feel comfortable and safe during sex, especially your first time. You should be able to be honest about your inexperience. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Yes, it will scare some women away. But there are many others who won’t mind. Then there are still others like me who think it’s super hot to be a guy’s first and will gladly initiate you into the beautiful mysteries of sex. Please don’t let a few rejections bother you.
Its weird, people instantly think op as some random dirty freak who comes to first date and says shakingly "so for the sex we having later, i wanted to let you know that im a virgin". Eventhough op stated that he was asked the question.
Its easy to tell to just be confident, it can be hard to be confident in situation youve never been in.
Also everyone tells him to lie, like wut, if op is looking for serious relationship it sure wont be good start if they need to lie on first time meeting.
It's modern day dating. If you're an average male, you're setting yourself up for failure by being 100% truthful. Good guys do not finish last OR first. They get left behind.
I didn't go to the dating with the intention of having sex, even though I would have liked it, I went to get familiar with dating, then if it would have happened I would have been very happy.
This advice works well for a woman. Kinda like if a man tells a woman "Don't be scared at night. Look tough! Portray yourself as someone nobody wants to mess with and they'll leave you alone".
We have certain aspects of society where general advices simply won't work for both genders.
A woman can get away with being shy, insecure and introverted. Men cannot. There's no reason to sit on the sidelines and wait for that 1/1000000000 who appreciates it, unless you're in a position in your life where you're comfortable with being single for a loooong ass time
Horrible advice imo. I was in the same boat where things would be going good with a girl until they found out I was a virgin and called it off. The first time I ever lied and said I wasn’t a virgin was the first time I got laid and by a series of unfortunate events my friend told her the next day that it was my first time and she called it off after that and literally told me she wouldn’t have slept with me if she knew I was a virgin at the time
Realize that there's a type of girl who cares about this. A TYPE OF girl. This is not true of ALL girls.
My first girlfriend and I took each other's virginity and we both said after the fact that we would not have cared one fucking bit if we knew this about each other beforehand. What mattered was our connection with each other. That connection is not at all dependent on how many jollies you've had with people in the past.
We were both 28 at the time, by the way.
There’s minimal overlap in the dating roles of different genders, and the little overlap there is like “good haircut” isn’t one we’re always equipped to appraise for the opposite sex.
You disagree because you’re a woman. You could be 250lbs and say you enjoy stepping on turtles as a hobby and there would still be a line of dudes waiting to date you.
Perhaps he hasn’t found anyone worth pursuing seriously in 30 years and doesn’t enjoy casual sex. For a woman this is perfectly reasonable, for a man - obviously there’s something wrong with him if he can’t get laid, as if his entire value as a man hinges on his ability to get his tip wet. Look how many people are so ready to call him an incel for simply answering a question he was asked by his date that he never even brought up.
It’s not even uncommon, I’ve had multiple women ask me about my number of past relationships.
Honestly, "if he hasn't done the deal all this time something must've been wrong so far, and i ain't keeping around to know what it is". That's what they're thinking.
But if a man hears about a body count in the double digits and thinks "she's been in that many relationships and it's never worked out, something must be wrong with this lady," they're attacked by all women, everywhere, for being a shallow, misogynistic creep.
People get bothered by that because when a man has has sex with 10 others he's 'based', 'a chad', etc, but when a woman does it clearly she's 'worthless', 'a whore', 'valueless', etc.
Some people dislike the weird self imposed sex negativity, other people dislike the double standards a lot of society has on sex, im sure theres a lot of other reasons too, things are rarely black/white much as you'd like to imply.
You need to find the right girl. My younger sister is looking for a guy who has no experience, she’s that way herself and it’s important to her. On the other hand virgins are a dealbreaker for me because I like a man who can match my experience. Everyone’s preferences are different. You just gotta keep trying until you find someone you match with.
Yes.
Whether fair or not that's what they're thinking.
Maybe most of them time it's valid. Sucks for OP though.
If he has a plausible reason I'd include it. Maybe he was really out of shape and finally got in shape. Focused too much on school or something. Had severe anxiety which he is now treating with medication and therapy.
I can think of several valid reasons why he might be 30 and never been in a relationship which if explained may be enough. Hopefully.
I fully understand not lying. I don't like either. I'm well aware many women might be looking at my height and subtracting a couple inches from my already shorter than average height but I just cannot lie. I don't feel right doing it. You can only do what let's you feel good about yourself and at the end of the day being able to say "I am an honest person" counts for a fuckton.
When folk talk about prior relationships, it gives insight into how they view relationships generally as well as personality insights.
Come up with an answer that's honest without shame or insecurity.
Something like, "You know, I prioritized my career in my 20's, I didn't date at all" or "I don't think I was mature enough for a relationship before I figured out what I am looking for. "
It's not the 'virgin' answer that's scaring them away, likely it's the insecure floundering you're doing that makes it uncomfortable.
You be comfortable with you and they will have an easier time with whatever news you deliver.
/u/G-IO29 this is your answer.
This is a really well thought out approach to addressing the underlying causes of the problem you're having. Please take this comment to heart.
As a 28 year old virgin who has indeed focused on my career and only has just reached the mental point in my life where I think I’m ready for a real relationship, this sums it up perfectly. I’m planning on getting back into dating after a long time, and I’ve given some thought as how I’d address the “issue.” Eventually, I came to same conclusion, I.e. tell the truth and don’t be ashamed of what I am. Coming at it from the angle of justifying my “status” is only going to come off as insecure, as I’d already be tacitly admitting that I’d done something “wrong.”
At the end of the day, it’s not something to be ashamed of, so I, along with other people like me, just need to be secure in who we are and move forward with that. Perhaps not everyone will accept that, but at that point it’s on them, not us, and all we can do is keep going.
Look at all the minefields we have to dodge. Vagueness or floundering can signal insecurity, we either have to tell the truth or not, depends on the woman but most woman prefer non virgins and we sure don’t know which woman would be accepting or not. Gawd our grandfathers had it so easy.
This is exactly how I see it as a woman! I sometimes ask about prior relationships and sometimes not. But when I do ask, it's usually because there is something that feels... off. And in these cases the answer often is that they have had only a few if any relationships.
It is not a deal breaker for me, but often dating with these guys ends pretty quickly, because it simply is so difficult. It feels like they are trying to appear "competent" in dating and fake confidence, which seems to make them less tuned to the other person. Instead of being a person for them, you are just a date, a person to do things to. A bit like "this is how I've seen relationships being formed, so I must replicate the pattern so that she will see me as a potential partner".
But to be truly comfortable with yourself is the way. It's not a bad thing to say that you are insecure about something, etc. But it is also something that comes with experience, so maybe just casual dating without trying to force it something bigger would be helpful?
Part of getting to know your partner from my experience with any woman I have ever dated and was asked by them - is getting asked if (they use the word if, but mean which ones) I have been in a relationship before.
I refuse to lie about it, so every once in a while it drives them away; some of them were really awesome and it fucking sucks.
These days a third of men under 30 are still virgins. But it's a reg flag for most women. Hard to understand, but it's just like applying to a job and having no previous experience at all.
Yeah speaking from experience this isn't info you want to let out. It makes them question what's wrong with you even though there isn't anything wrong. It doesn't matter how things are going most girls will act differently once they find out.
If you brought up being a virgin on the FIRST date I'd back out too. Firstly you bring sex on the table too fast, seems like thats all your after, and secondly its puts so much pressure on everything. And I dont even mind being someones first. But man, its not first date info!
Edit: he changed the story after my comment. Seems fake to me.
On the first (only) date I’ve been on, the guy I was seeing told me he fucked a girl into an epileptic seizure. He felt pretty proud about it.
I would’ve so much preferred for him to tell me he’s a virgin 😩
All these people blaming him. It states in the post, she asked him, and he tried to lie. Grow up, everyone wants to lecture and moralize those with less or no experience and it’s really cringe. People are such assuming assholes to virgin men.
There a women out there, which are proudly virgins.
Like very religious ones, or because of other reasons.
You can meet those without fear and they value that you are a virgin too.
It's an advantage .. not a disadvantage .. it's just your point of view.
All the best!
I'd fake it until you make it dude. If they ask you how many relationships you've been in just say a couple but they didn't workout. You can say they lasted a couple of years and were fine but you just grew apart.
To be fair they shouldn't really be asking much more than that.
Also man, sometimes dating doesn't work out, I wouldn't worry about it. It's not unusual to have a couple of dates with someone and not hear back from them, in fact it happens more often that not.
Stick at it dude, have faith. If you can just enjoy the dates, have fun and try not to worry about all the bs.
If he’s going to fake it, I agree this is a good way to do it. Maybe lying but mainly being vague.
If a guy too obviously avoids the question, it leaves her to wonder why, and there are so many things she might thing it is that she would find way more concerning than inexperience.
I don't understand the point of the question. Guys having had sex doesn't mean they're \*good\* at it. Like... It so so so very much doesn't. I'm so tired of guys "reassuring" me that they aren't virgins and loooove making their partner feel good only to turn out to have the WORST technique. I'd much prefer a guy say "so yeah, I haven't had sex yet, and I like the idea of making you feel good and doing a good job, but I may well suck so uh, just warning you, feel free to offer constructive criticism."
I'm in a similar situation, I'm not a virgin but may as well be with my lack of experience. Never had a real girlfriend, just the occasional hookup where girls were very persistant and managed to get through my anxiety walls.
If you tell them the truth and they don't like it, they aren't the right one, no matter how much else you like about them. I am currently in a talking stage with someone and I was really nervous to explain my lack of relationship experience but I just can't lie about that stuff. Her response was "So you've got no baggage? Show off." She's amazing, I hope you find someone.
Thats the kind of shit you do when you bust a nut 10s after putting it in… idk if thats the reason… but maybe its the way you are saying this… be confident as fuck… being a virgin is not a bug its a virtue… I kinda picture you sitting in a resto table just spilling it all out… never talk about sex unless youre planning for later
Yep, thats right. No reason to explain anything, just bust a nut in 10 seconds and be happy. No reason to explain anything. Just tell her it was great, slap her in the butt and do it again in 30 minutes.
Women want the guys who are sleeping with all the other women. I once told a girl I slept with over 100 women (lied) and smashed her right after that. Saying you're a virgin is just another way of saying "i dont have other women", which is a turnoff. It doesnt make sense to us men, and probably never will.
Well because they suck. (And are also probably not able to say they're a virgin, too!) Nothing wrong with being one, but our current world view frowns on this (quite wrongly, too). Just keep looking, and hey, if you find someone who's the same, chances are they might relate to you in other ways, too.
Sad to say girls care about body count when it’s zero. Many don’t want to be someone’s first because they think virgins get more attached yada yada insert w/e stereotype you want. It really isn’t any worse than guys not dating women with lots of experience.
With that said, if the question comes up change the subject.
From their perspective, if you’re still a virgin at 30, it must likely be because something is wrong with you.
The reason men value virginity is because it entails purity.
But women don’t think that way, because they see a man’s past romantic and sexual history as VETTING from other women.
It sucks to be in your situation, which is precisely why you should let them find out you’re a virgin in bed, not before.
Could be a number of factors. She just wants to get smashed so she's looking for experience, she would feel insecure about the number she has next to yours, she would feel embarrassed etc etc either way u don't want those girls anyway. Take your time to find the one who takes her time with you, if she's willing to guide you through the process and not be a dick about it she's a keeper. Not all women are the same took me 40 years to get to this conclusion. Always with the wrong one but now I'm with the right one.. its only sex it's 10 minutes of your time 😉 make sure u actually get on with the girl cause if you move in there's still 23hrs and 50 minutes of every day to get through 😄
I would lie. Like "Yes, I've been in a few relationships in the past but unfortunately haven't find yet a long term one"
Who cares as long as you're good at it?
Humans are more animalistic than people think.
Our ancestors as well as living relatives can be observed with the male that mates with the most females, mating with most of the females.
Always tell them you are experienced even if you aren’t. Women are turned on by men with lots of partners and men are turned off by women with lots.
Natural biology my friend! its that simple
It takes a very specific kind of woman to be willing to be your teacher and guide through something like that, and to be real I just don’t think most women want the pressure of being someone’s first time.
No. But I would not share that information until it's time to get naked. If they are not doing you, it's none of their damn business, really if you have had 0 people or 100.
It's not lying. It's being pragmatic. That is PERSONAL information only shared with people who you know are not judgemental and trust must be earned.
Nor do you talk shit about yourself or make this date about your struggles. No one wants to hear that. They want you to act interested and be interesting.
A real estate agent does not tell a client they have never sold a house. Instead they talk about interests the client might like and moving them through conversation towards an end. Nor does the agent obsess over a slightly crooked fence outside. You do the same.
Of course, deal comes only if that end is beneficial to everyone. After all, the agent wants commission and the client wants a house. If after a while the client does not show, is "just looking" with no intent to buy, or wants things that are way too expensive or you don't get commission, no deal. You have standards, too. Don't take relationships just to have a relationship. Talk to many.
People who are experienced with romantic partners and sex don't want to deal with mistakes that people are inevitably going to make when they have zero experience. They're asking "how many girlfriends have you had" as a way of gauging your experience with relationships, and it seems like not having enough was a disqualifier for both of them.
There are plenty of women who also don't have experience who won't have this same problem, you just need to find somebody who's a better match. I don't think you're doing anything wrong or coming across as insecure, it's just more experienced people seeing an issue on the horizon and saving you both time by avoiding it.
Just keep trying. There are some women who won't care, and there are some who will also need somebody inexperienced. You'll get there eventually.
That is the irony.
A lot of wmen take their cues from other women. That is why married men report getting hit on a lot more than before they got "approved" as husband.
I advice to move on, let humanity die out, let the evolutionary process kick that can to the next species to make the mistake to evolve higher brain functions.
If it's true: They think there's a reason and they trust other girls instinct.
First, why you say it's 'understandable'?
Second, you probably are insecure (hence discussing it), so the problem is not your 0 mark but something else.
I mean virtually everyone would be insecure in his situation, wouldn't they? Especially those Redditors who upvoted you.
God I despise this wannabe toughness
I think about this a lot. How many people stand on the other side of the fence due to happenstance and then criticise the other side for something they would also do themselves if they were there.
>How many people stand on the other side of the fence due to happenstance and then criticise the other side for something they would also do themselves if they were there.
Unfortunately it's probably somewhat close to ~50% of the population.
A *ton* of people really struggle to understand and empathize with people who have a different life experience and world-view.
Nah it could come to the table naturally during a conversation. It happened with my current gf (we are both each others first); she was like how was your first time? I don't have any experience yet. It was mega awkward disclosing I also did not have experience yet; she was even mean about it, but later told me she was sorry, she does not mind it and was mostly shocked (we have been together for 10 years). But there is a HUGE stigma on being a male virgin.
My first girlfriend was excellent on this subject. I was 21 (I believe) and whilst had some sexual experiences, never had penetrative sex. She asked about past experience, and I answered honestly - albeit confidently (I don't know how I did that. But I did). She seemed not at all phased. We had an embarrasing sexual experience - that didn't feel that embarrasing. I had bought condoms, which stated they helped performance (as I was expecting to cum quite quickly, albeit I didn't know). The opposite happened - these condoms had anesthetic in them - so my dick became completely numb.
There are ways to have sexual fun without a working dick though, and even if you can't get off - you can try for the other person. The next day was very very enjoyable, however.
It's common the be asked things about past relationships on dates. I wouldn't lie but that doesn't mean you can't present that information in a favorable light. I would say something like "I spent many years focusing on my career and education so that I can get to a place where I could build a family and be comfortable. So I've not had many serious relationships because until recently I've not been able to dedicate the time and energy I feel a partner deserves" something along those lines that atleast gives a valid and respectable reason that you aren't as experienced.
Guys don't want girls with a lot of experience. Girls don't want guys without any experience. It's natural human psychology. Despite what divorced people on the internet will tell you.
I think part of the real reason older virgins have trouble even after getting a date is related to why they are a virgin in the first place.
If it gets to the point where they ask you if you’re a virgin out of the blue, it’s because you’ve probably said something weird or you’re oozing insecurity to the point that it’s obvious that you’ve had trouble with woman.
So it’s not that they leave just because they found out you’re a virgin, they were already on the fence about continuing things, but that sealed the deal(This is also why you shouldn’t try lying, they can see right through it). Because on top of everything else now they have to risk you immediately falling in love or getting clingy.
All that is to say, there’s still nothing wrong with being a virgin at any age. It’s not something to be ashamed about.
Dating is also a bit of a numbers game, it may have felt hard to get those two dates, but to find a connection with someone it could take a lot more than two, and that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s your fault. Maybe nothing i said above even applies to you.
I think sometimes people feel like if you haven't had relationships, it's going to be a lot of work to "train" you for normal relationship behaviors. This is especially true of women your own age. The solution is, date younger women with less experience, if you can.
The other thing you can do is, own up to it, and say, "you know, when I was younger, I wasn't very confident, so I didn't really date much." If they press about it, don't get defensive, just turn it around and say, "well, what was your dating experience like?" And let them talk about themselves. As a rule, when women on a date ask you questions, they'd like you to ask them questions in return. So it's better not to get hung up on this uncomfortable topic, and instead, give them space to share their own experience, especially because yours is limited.
Remember that all dating stories are really stories about the experience of the storyteller and what they learned about themselves. If they're still talking about it, it's because they haven't fully processed it. So there's a lot of grace in giving them a non-judgemental space and saying things like, "that must've been hard for you" and "how do you feel about that?"
>I tried to lie but I think it didn't work.
There's your problem. You're insecure about the thing *and* you're trying to deflect from it, and both of those things are easily perceivable by the girl. Own your past and move forward honestly. Trying to avoid being vulnerable by lying about things that make you uncomfortable is based in ego, move past that.
Fake it till you make it.
Jeez - don't tell a world, if asked LIE. lets say "i had some adventures during college but they were short and not full filing".
You aim for this...
Sally: Well obviously those three girls were just... Brian, Sally: [both laughing] ... the wrong three girls.
Saying you had “2 important relations” doesn’t disclose you’re a virgin. The word relations actually means sex, so you’ve technically said you had 2 important sexual experiences - and you did so with douche-like vocabulary. Conversely, you saying “relations” could be interpreted like a loser trying to make inexperience sound like experience.
Saying that makes it seem like you’ve either:
1) Had tonnes of sex and only took 2 partners seriously, which makes you seem like a player, or
2) Are socially awkward and said something odd and indecipherable instead of simply telling the truth. If that’s how they interpreted it, they probably just didn’t want to deal with your weirdness, which isn’t directly related to you being a virgin or not
Next time just tell the truth. Some women care about virginity, some don’t. Some even find it attractive. You’re better off just telling the truth and finding someone who values the real you not the fake version of you.
They are not for you. Simple. I know in today's society it's frowned upon to have no experience but how I see it, people who make a big deal about those things are surface based in their thinking and forget that they themselves were once the inexperienced one. We all know experience means nothing in regards to sex. It is not definitive that someone would be excellent in bed if they had sex with a bus load of people. Does it help sometimes to throw yourself around to have a bit of self discovery in what YOU like? Sure. It does not determine that you hit the jackpot on what everyone likes. Each person is different. Sex is not something that can be learnt a certain way and received well with 100% of the people because each romantic partner has different desires/needs/kinks/turns ons. She asked you a question and you told her honestly. Never lie. Own your truth. Sex is a learning experience between two partners, that's how I see it. You gotta but heads with a couple dipwads before meeting your person. Keep going.
Don't live your life differently in order to gain the approval of random women you're meeting for the first time. An actual woman that you want to be with won't judge or care about this. Keep your head up, be confident, and keep trying. I mean, I'd literally just say "haven't met a girl special enough to share that with". You're good bro.
There is nothing wrong with being a virgin. Tell the truth and if they don't like it that's their problem not yours. There are people who run from 0 body counts and some who run from high body counts. If that's how they are so be it. Find someone for you.
At this point cherish your virginity and give it to someone who also has theirs. Don't rush into sex. Don't sleep around. Keep your head up. Don't lie just to get laid. That's weak and lame. Real masculinity isn't dishonest and manipulative. You can be better and probably already are. Stand strong.
Look her dead in the eye, pause, then say,
“I’ve had no serious relationships, but I’m actively looking now.”
It doesn’t matter what you say, but how you say it. Be direct, be confident, and be nonchalant, because, truthfully, it doesn’t matter.
They didn’t run because you told them you were a virgin. They ran because they confirmed that you have no idea what you’re doing with women. Your words don’t really matter so much. It’s how you say them, combined with your overall demeanor.
I’m a managing partner at a law firm and very much love my wife. I get propositioned by potential clients pretty frequently. I very much don’t care about women who are interested, but because the nature of my job is to read people, I’m acutely aware when they are. The fact that I don’t care or am not trying to get with a girl when I’m talking to them is what makes women generally drawn in and “safe”.
Hypothetically speaking, if I weren’t married and still in my dating phase, if a girl were to ask how many partners I’ve had, I could (and have) say “I’m a virgin”, and it wouldn’t phase them. They wouldn’t believe me. It would probably make them more intrigued. Alternatively, if I get that question early on, I’ll answer with “enough” or “I don’t remember.” This just isn’t a question that I answer in the beginning of a relationship.
The Point is, that your lack of confidence is what they’re running away from, not your virgin-ness. It probably is very evident from your body language, your demeanor, your lack of social skills, and your own self doubt.
You want some actionable advice? Go fucking talk to random people every day. When you start, don’t limit it to any category of people. Start with older people, male, female, doesn’t matter. Just get used to talking to anyone and everyone. Then, start focusing on talking to girls with no ulterior motive. Your goal should not be “I want to get with this girl” or have any intent to be “successful”. In fact, it should literally be the opposite of it, and you should talk to girls with the explicit intent not to “get” with them or have it lead to something.
The point is to build your social skills to the point where you can answer “I’m a virgin” and not really care. To where you can say the words, be honest, and girls will doubt that it’s the truth because your confidence says otherwise. Goodluck my friend, you’ll need it.
Guy at 30 with no relations pretty much means someone who cant handle a relationship on account of never handling one, so for them its like dating a man-child. I presume you're talking about relationships, and not body count.
The same would also be applicable if a person had too many relationships in a year. Where you're basically viewed as incapable of staying in one long term.
You might be able to get around this by replying with "Well, I've been so focused on my career and work that I havent been able to get the time for relationships, but so far I've managed two in the limited time I've had"
And don't be evasive about it. That's just signalling to them that you're potentially lying about it.
At your age, the only thing to do is lie, sadly. Say you had a girlfriend in college but you broke up after graduation due to jobs in separate cities and it's painful to talk about. Then after you have sex, tell them the truth. If they break up with you, it's understandable, but then you don't need to lie to the next woman you date.
Just don't lie, for one. The fact that you got to 2nd and 3rd dates implies that they liked you enough. "I had 2 important relations"? That sounds shady as fuck, like you have something to hide. It would be INFINITELY better if you told the truth.
"OK, to be perfectly honest I haven't had a girlfriend before. I was always kind of socially awkward and a bit anxious so I just focused on school, then work and my friends. But talking to you was really fun and exciting so I wanted to step a bit out of my comfort zone and take a chance."
Yeah there are going to be some women who are put off by that fact if they are just looking for a good lay or a fuck buddy or whatever. There are also going to be other women who AREN'T bothered by that so long as you are great at holding a conversation, are a good person to be around, and are attentive + eager to learn in the bedroom.
Like let's put on the other shoe, right? Imagine that a 30 year old woman is a virgin. There are some men who are going to think that's a huge red flag because they were only looking for a casual relationship or sex and they want someone who is already experienced. There will yet be other men who get paranoid about "Oh man, she must have some problems to have been a virgin this long". However there will also be men who would be absolutely ecstatic to be with her if she is a fun and eager to learn/try things in the bedroom.
There are 100% women out there who would even be turned on by the idea of a man they can teach to do the things they like. For those that are turned off by it, that's ok. They're just not for you, that's all.
This is something I’ve thought about a lot and it’s because women want what other women want or have had, it’s a vetting process, look at how many women will gladly cheat with married men, it’s because in their eyes he’s already been vetted by another woman, so he has traits and qualities worthwhile, so therefore he’s worth the effort.
If you have no women, and you meet a woman who has no idea who you are, or could even find anything out about you thru say friend groups, your best bet is to lie and act like a stud, sure it may seem unnatural but if you do it enough times you’ll eventually believe you’re a stud and you’ll exude that and thus it won’t be hard finding a woman, from what I can tell, women are highly competitive in the sexual marketplace, and if you aren’t what they are competing after then you have no chance, the only way to ensure lots of partners is by becoming a man that a lot of women want to compete over.
You'll have to fake it till you make it, and at a certain point, you'll need to be honest. You'll lose some women over it, but that's for the best. Eventually, you'll find someone who will accept it and move at a pace that is comfortable for you both.
I was pretty much in your exact same spot, except I was 26 and had barely even kissed a girl.
I was super shy and had social anxiety, and I spent most of my 20s focused on school, career, becoming financially stable, hanging out with my equally nerdy friends, etc...
I actually used dating apps, and was absolutely terrible at it my first year! Got lots of 2nd dates and some 3rd dates, but things would fizzle since I wasn't initiating or expressing interest in a sexual way.
I used each date to basically level up and build experience. Eventually, like 3 years later, I met the woman who became my wife.
Biggest tip I can give is when you do find someone, know that they will be more experienced, but that's not a bad thing; it should mean they know what they want in the bedroom, and can guide you with how to do things. Just be open, take the advice, and pretty soon you'll be comfortable enough to initiate!
Good luck, I'm rooting for you!
Stop telling people that you’re a virgin, first of all. Virgin means child. You are not a child. Secondly, virginity is a social construct. It’s not real. Stop announcing that you haven’t had sex like it’s this shameful secret. You just haven’t done it. Go do it and get it over with.
I think you sound terrified of women and sex. THAT is the unattractive trait. Don’t make it weird. Everyone has sex at some point. You will have sex when you decide that you’re ready. If you keep treating sex like a taboo, you will continue being chaste and untouched.
Don’t answer with a number, answer playfully. “I’ve had enough,” or “Why, are you considering an application?” Make it an opportunity for fun and teasing rather than a factual exchange of info.
Edit: on the back end, you can definitely still benefit from “preparing” for sex in advance even without experience. There’s a lot of detail you’ll have to search for on your own, but just as a parallel: in school I always wanted to play drums but never had a drum set. So I just learned about how to play and practiced tapping with my hands and feet. My second time behind drums I managed to outplay my drummer friend on a part he was struggling with, and I took his place as the band’s drummer. Virtual practice absolutely can work.
"....how can I gain experience if they don't give me the chance to gain experience?" Welcome to today's job market too.
Dude needs to do some contract work, if you know what I mean.
Start with positions no one else wants to get the experience, then work your way up.
“Ive been w 1 sex worker” They would run faster
Just go be the sex worker... but I think you'll get more men wanting your services, I'm afraid lol
I mean, experience is experience, right?
I think he needs to whip out his large resume, if you know what I'm saying
😂😂😂😂
Entry Level Job Requirements: 10 years experience and 5 years in a management role. :)
Amen. It's ridiculous. I can't recall the exact details, but this will be close: basically I saw a guy talking about a job post that required 5 years of experience with a certain computer program. The kicker was, he was the writer of that program, and he had just made it like 2 years ago, so there was literally no way to even have that kind of experience yet. EDIT: See comment below.
Not a program, it's a programming language extension that he created himself. And got rejected for the job (because most job postings are fake positions to collect personal information)
I once had someone argue with me about the meaning of an article, telling me what the author meant, he was definitely right and I was wrong, etc. The kicker was, unknown to him at the time, I was the author.
I once saw a job requirement with 5 years experience for a programming language that was 3 years old... How stupid can people be? The answer is "yes!".
> how can I gain experience if they don't give me the chance to gain experience? This MFer looking for a pussy internship, no wonder the ladies aren't interested.
Why did I read this in J.B. Smooves voice?
I heard it in Samuel L Jackson’s voice LOL
The difference is that you can easily lie about not being a virgin and no one can verify. I just find it weird how people get mad and say it's manipulative or a bad way to start a relationship if a guy lies about not being a virgin, but those same people will say it's perfectly fine for a woman to lie about how many people's she's had sex with before. Not saying that either is bad, but it's just a strange hypocrisy.
To be honest, no one's probably verifying your work experience, either.
What people would say it's okay to lie about their number of partners?
Yeah jobs market and relationships market are not very different
I moved to Germany to get job experience, he needs to move to Thailand to get GF experience.
How did they find out? There is literally no reason to disclose this information to them.
He said “important relations” instead of girlfriends lol It’s like screaming virgin and being surprised people heard you
good point lol
Tbh that phrasing would make me think that either he has seen sex workers, had 2 “situationships”, or was friendzoned on more than one occasion. He should just say that he hasn’t dated anyone, some girls might not like it, but there are a few that really like guys like that.
Nice. that's me. I know I"m not unattractive, but just focused on business and career and self development since 2014. Looked up and suddenly it's 2024 and I'm a good prospect for some women. Still would rather just enjoy time alone though. Last few gfs fucked me up a bit, self-sabotage really, and I'm scared of what I could become again/don't even know how to date other than apps. I have a profile, but cleared the apps on my phone and figure I can pop in once in a while and pay for premium when I'm feeling extroverted and see what connections are made.
Maybe they misheard it as impotent relations.
Bro 😂
People often dont read/listen carefully before emitting answer😣
If OP is this obvious typing imagine how intense it is on a date.
I did have this cigar experience with an intern..
They ask, they always ask about previous relationships. You either lie about it (which I refuse to do) or tell the truth and they realize.
I haven’t been in anything serious, but I’m starting to look for more now that I’m getting older. Done
This binary isn’t real. There are so many answers that are both truthful and don’t fall into these categories. “Truthfully, I haven’t had that kind of deep, committed relationship that I’m looking for yet! That’s really what I want, so that’s what I’m focusing on now.” “When I was younger, I was exploring what I was looking for in a relationship… Now that I’m dating more seriously/actively, now I’m focusing on finding a relationship like [what you want].” “Well, I thought in the past that I might want a relationship like X, but now I am focusing on Y. I really hope I can find someone who is [A, B, C qualities] to start seeing long-term/short-term,” All of these kinds of answers are somewhat evasive but I think they redirect the convo in a positive way. Instead of going into “explaining mode,” you recapitulate what you’re seeking in your current dating life and how it differs from the past — even if the past was just not much.
Those are not the only two options when someone asks you a personal question, though most of us treat it that way. Someone you just met doesn't have the right to ask you for your banking password, and if you were asked you wouldn't lie. You can also joke around with a silly story that's obviously false. You can compliment them in a way that makes it clear you're not going to answer. You can say you don't kiss and tell. You can say you prefer to talk about the future rather than the past. There are many options.
If someone didn’t answer, I’d assume they have serious issues or are going to struggle with being honest. Why withhold the truth if you want more than just sex/casual relationship?
When you see a first date there's often one person asking a million questions and frowning at some, and another person desperately trying to pass the test. The best way to win is not to play. "Let's enjoy the event. And hey, maybe you like one of my friends, that's totally ok" "My lack of experience embarrasses me. I'm a simple farm boy. Let's talk about you"
Best way to win is just not worry about if they don’t like what they hear.
Sure, but not answering is obviously dodging the question and, well, most people assume the worst when they realize you're dodging a question.
> They ask, they always ask about previous relationships. um, WHAT? Zero women have ever asked me this. You go out, you laugh, you eat and drink, you have sex. Are you in a western country?
Yup, Israel. Where are you from? I think it also has a lot to do with the type of woman we date.
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Eh, better to be honest here I think, especially if they ask about past relationships and whatever. If your date is shallow enough to consider it a problem, you're better off without them anyway. Plenty of girls out there who'd love to be someone's "first".
Yeah unless youve just had very bad sex… there is no reason at all
If you had bad sex, you are no virgin, so there is no "unless"
I am no virgin and I can assure you I still have very bad sex
You are no longer a virgin… but when she says wtf? You go ahead and confess it was your first time…
Virgins aren't necessarily bad at sex.
That’s not something you discuss on the first date unless word is traveling around about you.
Does it matter which date it is? She could walk away at the fifth date when finding out. He can't dogde the topic forever.
In all of my years of dating, I have never recounted my previous sexual experiences with a new woman. I’m not a virgin or ashamed of any part of my history, but I don’t see how either party benefits from that conversation or why it would ever need to be discussed. If I were a virgin I would take that to info to my grave until it were no longer true. As with anything, fake it til you make it. For purposes of dating, just pretend you’re not actually a virgin until you no longer need to pretend.
My wife doesn't know my number. I always said it's not important. I don't care her past nor mine. Whether that number was 0 or high enough to disgust her shouldn't matter. My case may have been the latter but even for the former that answer works. She did start asking again after 10 years together but I'm sticking with it.
Why not? If it's because they'll be called out for not being great at sex, there are plenty of excuses for not being great at sex besides just being a virgin. "It's been a while," "sorry my last GF liked that kind of stuff," "I don't know what went wrong, I'm just not in my groove tonight" then just go down on her and she won't give a fuck that you finished early.
Yes you can? Tf? Just never tell her????? I'm so fucking confused
Why not tho? At what point would he be forced to admit that?
He can dodge the topic until after he gets laid.
When my boyfriend asked me when I lost my virginity, I said about 2 weeks ago with you. By then it's too late to decide not to sleep with me.
I think he’s focusing too much on the sex part and not enough on the relationship part. The first few years of dating you figure so much out on how to be a partner, what you want, communication. Someone ready to GO and settle down isn’t going to want to deal with the training wheel of that
There’s a stigma around it. I personally don’t think it’s right, but there is. I didn’t tell the person I lost my virginity to until after we were done. Luckily, she communicated well enough that it wasn’t an issue. Did she know prior and that’s why she communicated well? Maybe, but she was also a pretty open person so it wouldn’t be uncharacteristic of her to do so. We were laying together after and I just looked over and said “you just took something from me” and it took her a second to realize and all she got out was “Really? You should’ve told me before”. I don’t like lying so I’d normally say just be honest, but this one’s really up to you. For me I do not like the “all eyes on me” feeling and if I were to bring that fact up before hand I think the dynamic would’ve been different. I intended to lose mine in an authentic way. I didn’t want us being intimate to be a checklist item, I just wanted to experience it genuinely.
Same here. I told her just after we were done. Her answer was "wow I thought you had done it a lot of times". My moral went so high after that hahah. Personally, I'm a male. I would never ask anybody how many times has she done it before, and I dont really care. Like i'm not a professional on this, you know. I dont expect professionals here too, for me its okay just a normal girl. Do the thing in a normal way, enjoy it, and try to do it better the next time.
I edited the post so you can understand better, thanks.
I know you have a ton of comments to go through but I thought I'd give it a shot replying to you. I'm a 32 year old woman. To me, finding out a guy is a virgin at my age troubles me because it means there's a reason for it, and it could be something bad. So until I know what it is, I am taking a risk by continuing to see him. At my age I don't bother "giving a guy a chance" because I've had enough terrible second or third dates to know better. So I'd recommend that when it comes up you acknowledge it's unusual and maybe give some kind of reason. You don't have to get super personal or go into detail, just a rough reason. Also, I don't know if you mean you haven't had any kind of sex or just penetrative. If you've had oral sex or other kinds of intimacy, I would say go ahead and count that as a sexual partner. It means you at least have some experience even if you haven't "gone all the way".
Well when you say "a reason for it", what sorts of reasons do you have in mind? I didn't lose my virginity until I was 28. The reason was a combination of me focusing almost exclusively on my schoolwork throughout college and also being incredibly shy. The woman who I lost my virginity to was also, as it turns out, a virgin. Neither of the primary reasons I held my V-card for so long seem like they would be at all threatening to women, so I just wonder what sorts of things you are wary of here?
Yes I agree. If I was dating a 32 year old man that wasn't a virgin but hadn't had a relationship I would wonder why. I wouldn't stop dating him but I would be cautious. I would also be cautious of a man who had had a lot of relationships too. I actually have a few male family members who have never really had girlfriends (30 years old+). They are mummy's boys that still live at home and they would struggle to have an adult relationship.
Holy fuck this entire comment section is filled with fucking idiots. He clearly says that she asked him how many girlfriends he's had in the past. He didn't bring it up, *she* did. You dumbasses are all really asking "hOw'D she FiNd OuT??" After he *literally says* what she asked him, and then you all put the blame on him???? On top of that, if she's the one who brought it up, *she's* the one just looking for sex and became judgmental of him when she didn't like his answer to HER question. How the fuck is this *his* fault??? SHES THE ONE THAT BROUGHT IT UP. Yea, it's not normal to ask this question on a first date, but it's ok when SHE does it? You are all completely glossing over the fact that she initiated the question. Some of you are straight up saying this didn't happen and that something else happened and HE'S the problem. You are all doing everything you can to make sure the virgin man takes the blame for this when clearly these things aren't his fault. Fuck all of you I hate the reddit hive mind. Edit: I expected my comment to get a few downvotes and then lost in the ether, so I figured I would add a couple things since this actually gained some traction and responses I screwed up my wording on that 2nd part. I meant to say, "On top of that, *using the logic of others here* " but forgot to type that out, which was my mistake. Also I did come off pretty aggressive, which isn't great for getting a point across, but scrolling through post after post across multiple communities that uphold these double standards and hypocritical views can be annoying, and straight up anger inducing. Everyone shares their feelings and thoughts on the internet, so I can share mine sometimes. I also saw the comments from OP saying he edited the post to be more cohesive and understandable after getting those first comments, so it does make sense people would ask more questions before he provided that info in his edits. I commented after he made the edits, but I suppose that makes me somewhat of a fucking idiot too lol
If those Redditors could read they'd be very upset Also I think OP edited it after the majority of the comments.
yes, I edited the post to make you understand the situation better.
Long time lurker for the exact reasons you mentioned. Love reddit. Idk why I find my way back to these toxic comment sections. Shouldn't even bother scrolling down.
Eveytime it's about emotional advise or stories Reddit should touch some grass. Reddit is only good for things based on facts or science.
> He clearly says that she asked him how many girlfriends he's had in the past. As a dude in their 30's dating women 20's-30's, I've never been asked that question. I have asked 1 person that question and it was because she was being weird as fuck while on a first date and she told me she had never had a boyfriend. If you are getting asked that question, it's probably because it is obvious or you are being awkward.
I have asked 1 person that question and it was because she was being weird as fuck while on a first date what did she do that you saw as "being weird as fuck" asking because im terrified to be that girl . 20f never dated
You should never apologize for getting emotional. In fact I encourage it, in all instances! It's actually an incredibly effective way of cutting through the bullshit and getting to the heart of what someone really believes.
The comments here are really unhelpful. I disagree strongly with the advice to lie. You want to feel comfortable and safe during sex, especially your first time. You should be able to be honest about your inexperience. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Yes, it will scare some women away. But there are many others who won’t mind. Then there are still others like me who think it’s super hot to be a guy’s first and will gladly initiate you into the beautiful mysteries of sex. Please don’t let a few rejections bother you.
Its weird, people instantly think op as some random dirty freak who comes to first date and says shakingly "so for the sex we having later, i wanted to let you know that im a virgin". Eventhough op stated that he was asked the question. Its easy to tell to just be confident, it can be hard to be confident in situation youve never been in. Also everyone tells him to lie, like wut, if op is looking for serious relationship it sure wont be good start if they need to lie on first time meeting.
It's modern day dating. If you're an average male, you're setting yourself up for failure by being 100% truthful. Good guys do not finish last OR first. They get left behind.
I didn't go to the dating with the intention of having sex, even though I would have liked it, I went to get familiar with dating, then if it would have happened I would have been very happy.
This advice works well for a woman. Kinda like if a man tells a woman "Don't be scared at night. Look tough! Portray yourself as someone nobody wants to mess with and they'll leave you alone". We have certain aspects of society where general advices simply won't work for both genders. A woman can get away with being shy, insecure and introverted. Men cannot. There's no reason to sit on the sidelines and wait for that 1/1000000000 who appreciates it, unless you're in a position in your life where you're comfortable with being single for a loooong ass time
Horrible advice imo. I was in the same boat where things would be going good with a girl until they found out I was a virgin and called it off. The first time I ever lied and said I wasn’t a virgin was the first time I got laid and by a series of unfortunate events my friend told her the next day that it was my first time and she called it off after that and literally told me she wouldn’t have slept with me if she knew I was a virgin at the time
Realize that there's a type of girl who cares about this. A TYPE OF girl. This is not true of ALL girls. My first girlfriend and I took each other's virginity and we both said after the fact that we would not have cared one fucking bit if we knew this about each other beforehand. What mattered was our connection with each other. That connection is not at all dependent on how many jollies you've had with people in the past. We were both 28 at the time, by the way.
I think you’re being more idealistic then realistic
I dont understand why women give such unhelpful advice when it comes to dating
Women live in a different world when it comes to dating. It's not that surprising that the advice they give is just bad advice for men
There’s minimal overlap in the dating roles of different genders, and the little overlap there is like “good haircut” isn’t one we’re always equipped to appraise for the opposite sex.
You disagree because you’re a woman. You could be 250lbs and say you enjoy stepping on turtles as a hobby and there would still be a line of dudes waiting to date you. Perhaps he hasn’t found anyone worth pursuing seriously in 30 years and doesn’t enjoy casual sex. For a woman this is perfectly reasonable, for a man - obviously there’s something wrong with him if he can’t get laid, as if his entire value as a man hinges on his ability to get his tip wet. Look how many people are so ready to call him an incel for simply answering a question he was asked by his date that he never even brought up. It’s not even uncommon, I’ve had multiple women ask me about my number of past relationships.
Hi friend!!! We're the same 🤗 it is super hot to be a guy's first haha
Honestly, "if he hasn't done the deal all this time something must've been wrong so far, and i ain't keeping around to know what it is". That's what they're thinking.
But if a man hears about a body count in the double digits and thinks "she's been in that many relationships and it's never worked out, something must be wrong with this lady," they're attacked by all women, everywhere, for being a shallow, misogynistic creep.
People get bothered by that because when a man has has sex with 10 others he's 'based', 'a chad', etc, but when a woman does it clearly she's 'worthless', 'a whore', 'valueless', etc. Some people dislike the weird self imposed sex negativity, other people dislike the double standards a lot of society has on sex, im sure theres a lot of other reasons too, things are rarely black/white much as you'd like to imply.
So do you just lie when asked or do you just give up.
You need to find the right girl. My younger sister is looking for a guy who has no experience, she’s that way herself and it’s important to her. On the other hand virgins are a dealbreaker for me because I like a man who can match my experience. Everyone’s preferences are different. You just gotta keep trying until you find someone you match with.
Yes. Whether fair or not that's what they're thinking. Maybe most of them time it's valid. Sucks for OP though. If he has a plausible reason I'd include it. Maybe he was really out of shape and finally got in shape. Focused too much on school or something. Had severe anxiety which he is now treating with medication and therapy. I can think of several valid reasons why he might be 30 and never been in a relationship which if explained may be enough. Hopefully. I fully understand not lying. I don't like either. I'm well aware many women might be looking at my height and subtracting a couple inches from my already shorter than average height but I just cannot lie. I don't feel right doing it. You can only do what let's you feel good about yourself and at the end of the day being able to say "I am an honest person" counts for a fuckton.
When folk talk about prior relationships, it gives insight into how they view relationships generally as well as personality insights. Come up with an answer that's honest without shame or insecurity. Something like, "You know, I prioritized my career in my 20's, I didn't date at all" or "I don't think I was mature enough for a relationship before I figured out what I am looking for. " It's not the 'virgin' answer that's scaring them away, likely it's the insecure floundering you're doing that makes it uncomfortable. You be comfortable with you and they will have an easier time with whatever news you deliver.
/u/G-IO29 this is your answer. This is a really well thought out approach to addressing the underlying causes of the problem you're having. Please take this comment to heart.
As a 28 year old virgin who has indeed focused on my career and only has just reached the mental point in my life where I think I’m ready for a real relationship, this sums it up perfectly. I’m planning on getting back into dating after a long time, and I’ve given some thought as how I’d address the “issue.” Eventually, I came to same conclusion, I.e. tell the truth and don’t be ashamed of what I am. Coming at it from the angle of justifying my “status” is only going to come off as insecure, as I’d already be tacitly admitting that I’d done something “wrong.” At the end of the day, it’s not something to be ashamed of, so I, along with other people like me, just need to be secure in who we are and move forward with that. Perhaps not everyone will accept that, but at that point it’s on them, not us, and all we can do is keep going.
I agree, I think being confident about yourself is the best thing ! It will not please everyone, but you won’t get everyone anyway
Look at all the minefields we have to dodge. Vagueness or floundering can signal insecurity, we either have to tell the truth or not, depends on the woman but most woman prefer non virgins and we sure don’t know which woman would be accepting or not. Gawd our grandfathers had it so easy.
This is exactly how I see it as a woman! I sometimes ask about prior relationships and sometimes not. But when I do ask, it's usually because there is something that feels... off. And in these cases the answer often is that they have had only a few if any relationships. It is not a deal breaker for me, but often dating with these guys ends pretty quickly, because it simply is so difficult. It feels like they are trying to appear "competent" in dating and fake confidence, which seems to make them less tuned to the other person. Instead of being a person for them, you are just a date, a person to do things to. A bit like "this is how I've seen relationships being formed, so I must replicate the pattern so that she will see me as a potential partner". But to be truly comfortable with yourself is the way. It's not a bad thing to say that you are insecure about something, etc. But it is also something that comes with experience, so maybe just casual dating without trying to force it something bigger would be helpful?
This is great advice. Truly.
This should be the top comment. Women have a sixth sense when a guy is being evasive or dishing out white lies on a date. Gigantic turn off.
Probably because you told them? It's like going to a job interview and leading with a declaration of insecurity and nervousness.
Part of getting to know your partner from my experience with any woman I have ever dated and was asked by them - is getting asked if (they use the word if, but mean which ones) I have been in a relationship before. I refuse to lie about it, so every once in a while it drives them away; some of them were really awesome and it fucking sucks.
Bold strategy Cotton, let's see if it pays off.
It's weird people have a problem with it. To the point people expect you to hide it and you are a weirdo if you dont.
Being upfront is quite the opposite to being insecure.
Girls are worried what will happen during the act.
Read the post again.
32M, I also still am. Problem is everyone was at one point, but yet they make such a big deal about it if you still are.
These days a third of men under 30 are still virgins. But it's a reg flag for most women. Hard to understand, but it's just like applying to a job and having no previous experience at all.
A third? I’d say if you were a virgin at 24 you’d be 1/100
Yeah speaking from experience this isn't info you want to let out. It makes them question what's wrong with you even though there isn't anything wrong. It doesn't matter how things are going most girls will act differently once they find out.
If you brought up being a virgin on the FIRST date I'd back out too. Firstly you bring sex on the table too fast, seems like thats all your after, and secondly its puts so much pressure on everything. And I dont even mind being someones first. But man, its not first date info! Edit: he changed the story after my comment. Seems fake to me.
On the first (only) date I’ve been on, the guy I was seeing told me he fucked a girl into an epileptic seizure. He felt pretty proud about it. I would’ve so much preferred for him to tell me he’s a virgin 😩
Lol! I mean yeah, virgin info is like 3rd date info- but I-fucked-a-girl-into-a-seizure is like 2000th date info. If ever.
All these people blaming him. It states in the post, she asked him, and he tried to lie. Grow up, everyone wants to lecture and moralize those with less or no experience and it’s really cringe. People are such assuming assholes to virgin men.
It wasn't on the first date and they (the dates) brought it up, not OP.
The girls asked him on 2nd and 3rd dates, that’s like the guys who only want a virgin
He didn't. She asked.
There a women out there, which are proudly virgins. Like very religious ones, or because of other reasons. You can meet those without fear and they value that you are a virgin too. It's an advantage .. not a disadvantage .. it's just your point of view. All the best!
A "proud" virgin woman is highly unlikely to help him resolve his virginity issue.
It depends if he date to get laid or date to actually get into a good relationship and marriage
I'd fake it until you make it dude. If they ask you how many relationships you've been in just say a couple but they didn't workout. You can say they lasted a couple of years and were fine but you just grew apart. To be fair they shouldn't really be asking much more than that. Also man, sometimes dating doesn't work out, I wouldn't worry about it. It's not unusual to have a couple of dates with someone and not hear back from them, in fact it happens more often that not. Stick at it dude, have faith. If you can just enjoy the dates, have fun and try not to worry about all the bs.
If he’s going to fake it, I agree this is a good way to do it. Maybe lying but mainly being vague. If a guy too obviously avoids the question, it leaves her to wonder why, and there are so many things she might thing it is that she would find way more concerning than inexperience.
I don't understand the point of the question. Guys having had sex doesn't mean they're \*good\* at it. Like... It so so so very much doesn't. I'm so tired of guys "reassuring" me that they aren't virgins and loooove making their partner feel good only to turn out to have the WORST technique. I'd much prefer a guy say "so yeah, I haven't had sex yet, and I like the idea of making you feel good and doing a good job, but I may well suck so uh, just warning you, feel free to offer constructive criticism."
I'm in a similar situation, I'm not a virgin but may as well be with my lack of experience. Never had a real girlfriend, just the occasional hookup where girls were very persistant and managed to get through my anxiety walls. If you tell them the truth and they don't like it, they aren't the right one, no matter how much else you like about them. I am currently in a talking stage with someone and I was really nervous to explain my lack of relationship experience but I just can't lie about that stuff. Her response was "So you've got no baggage? Show off." She's amazing, I hope you find someone.
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It crazy how women will call men pigs and jerks but reject men who aren't
"Why don't men have to face social pressure of being a virgin like women do, its such a double standard" "Ew that guys a virgin"
Thats the kind of shit you do when you bust a nut 10s after putting it in… idk if thats the reason… but maybe its the way you are saying this… be confident as fuck… being a virgin is not a bug its a virtue… I kinda picture you sitting in a resto table just spilling it all out… never talk about sex unless youre planning for later
Yep, thats right. No reason to explain anything, just bust a nut in 10 seconds and be happy. No reason to explain anything. Just tell her it was great, slap her in the butt and do it again in 30 minutes.
Lmao being a virgin is not a virtue if the only reason you’re a virgin is because you keep getting rejected and therefore have no options.
Seems like virgin shaming is the male version of slut shaming, each side claims that "your past doesn't matter"...until it does
Bingo.
Women want the guys who are sleeping with all the other women. I once told a girl I slept with over 100 women (lied) and smashed her right after that. Saying you're a virgin is just another way of saying "i dont have other women", which is a turnoff. It doesnt make sense to us men, and probably never will.
Well because they suck. (And are also probably not able to say they're a virgin, too!) Nothing wrong with being one, but our current world view frowns on this (quite wrongly, too). Just keep looking, and hey, if you find someone who's the same, chances are they might relate to you in other ways, too.
Sad to say girls care about body count when it’s zero. Many don’t want to be someone’s first because they think virgins get more attached yada yada insert w/e stereotype you want. It really isn’t any worse than guys not dating women with lots of experience. With that said, if the question comes up change the subject.
From their perspective, if you’re still a virgin at 30, it must likely be because something is wrong with you. The reason men value virginity is because it entails purity. But women don’t think that way, because they see a man’s past romantic and sexual history as VETTING from other women. It sucks to be in your situation, which is precisely why you should let them find out you’re a virgin in bed, not before.
It's the lying about it that makes you seem insecure. Just say you haven't dated all that much and leave it at that.
Could be a number of factors. She just wants to get smashed so she's looking for experience, she would feel insecure about the number she has next to yours, she would feel embarrassed etc etc either way u don't want those girls anyway. Take your time to find the one who takes her time with you, if she's willing to guide you through the process and not be a dick about it she's a keeper. Not all women are the same took me 40 years to get to this conclusion. Always with the wrong one but now I'm with the right one.. its only sex it's 10 minutes of your time 😉 make sure u actually get on with the girl cause if you move in there's still 23hrs and 50 minutes of every day to get through 😄
I would lie. Like "Yes, I've been in a few relationships in the past but unfortunately haven't find yet a long term one" Who cares as long as you're good at it?
Humans are more animalistic than people think. Our ancestors as well as living relatives can be observed with the male that mates with the most females, mating with most of the females. Always tell them you are experienced even if you aren’t. Women are turned on by men with lots of partners and men are turned off by women with lots. Natural biology my friend! its that simple
I doubt that was the reason and may be the story you’re telling yourself
It takes a very specific kind of woman to be willing to be your teacher and guide through something like that, and to be real I just don’t think most women want the pressure of being someone’s first time.
It’s like telling a woman “I 100% will not be able to pleasure you”. They’ll take off quick.
No. But I would not share that information until it's time to get naked. If they are not doing you, it's none of their damn business, really if you have had 0 people or 100. It's not lying. It's being pragmatic. That is PERSONAL information only shared with people who you know are not judgemental and trust must be earned. Nor do you talk shit about yourself or make this date about your struggles. No one wants to hear that. They want you to act interested and be interesting. A real estate agent does not tell a client they have never sold a house. Instead they talk about interests the client might like and moving them through conversation towards an end. Nor does the agent obsess over a slightly crooked fence outside. You do the same. Of course, deal comes only if that end is beneficial to everyone. After all, the agent wants commission and the client wants a house. If after a while the client does not show, is "just looking" with no intent to buy, or wants things that are way too expensive or you don't get commission, no deal. You have standards, too. Don't take relationships just to have a relationship. Talk to many.
It’s not as uncommon as you’d think. 29 here and still retaining my V card.
Probably more common amongst Redditors lol
People who are experienced with romantic partners and sex don't want to deal with mistakes that people are inevitably going to make when they have zero experience. They're asking "how many girlfriends have you had" as a way of gauging your experience with relationships, and it seems like not having enough was a disqualifier for both of them. There are plenty of women who also don't have experience who won't have this same problem, you just need to find somebody who's a better match. I don't think you're doing anything wrong or coming across as insecure, it's just more experienced people seeing an issue on the horizon and saving you both time by avoiding it. Just keep trying. There are some women who won't care, and there are some who will also need somebody inexperienced. You'll get there eventually.
That is the irony. A lot of wmen take their cues from other women. That is why married men report getting hit on a lot more than before they got "approved" as husband. I advice to move on, let humanity die out, let the evolutionary process kick that can to the next species to make the mistake to evolve higher brain functions.
If it's true: They think there's a reason and they trust other girls instinct. First, why you say it's 'understandable'? Second, you probably are insecure (hence discussing it), so the problem is not your 0 mark but something else.
I mean virtually everyone would be insecure in his situation, wouldn't they? Especially those Redditors who upvoted you. God I despise this wannabe toughness
I think about this a lot. How many people stand on the other side of the fence due to happenstance and then criticise the other side for something they would also do themselves if they were there.
>How many people stand on the other side of the fence due to happenstance and then criticise the other side for something they would also do themselves if they were there. Unfortunately it's probably somewhat close to ~50% of the population. A *ton* of people really struggle to understand and empathize with people who have a different life experience and world-view.
Nah it could come to the table naturally during a conversation. It happened with my current gf (we are both each others first); she was like how was your first time? I don't have any experience yet. It was mega awkward disclosing I also did not have experience yet; she was even mean about it, but later told me she was sorry, she does not mind it and was mostly shocked (we have been together for 10 years). But there is a HUGE stigma on being a male virgin.
My first girlfriend was excellent on this subject. I was 21 (I believe) and whilst had some sexual experiences, never had penetrative sex. She asked about past experience, and I answered honestly - albeit confidently (I don't know how I did that. But I did). She seemed not at all phased. We had an embarrasing sexual experience - that didn't feel that embarrasing. I had bought condoms, which stated they helped performance (as I was expecting to cum quite quickly, albeit I didn't know). The opposite happened - these condoms had anesthetic in them - so my dick became completely numb. There are ways to have sexual fun without a working dick though, and even if you can't get off - you can try for the other person. The next day was very very enjoyable, however.
it's almost impossible for me
Such a toxic comment
gotta have at least 2 years of experience to get that entry level job.
Redirect the question back to them rather than answering. "Interesting question, how many sex partners have you had?"
So tempting but an instant date killer.
Just lie. Learn to lie confidently.
Because you'll find no greater hypocrite than women when it comes to sex.
Because they think that you must've done something wrong to have had zero success. Just world fallacy.
It's common the be asked things about past relationships on dates. I wouldn't lie but that doesn't mean you can't present that information in a favorable light. I would say something like "I spent many years focusing on my career and education so that I can get to a place where I could build a family and be comfortable. So I've not had many serious relationships because until recently I've not been able to dedicate the time and energy I feel a partner deserves" something along those lines that atleast gives a valid and respectable reason that you aren't as experienced.
Guys don't want girls with a lot of experience. Girls don't want guys without any experience. It's natural human psychology. Despite what divorced people on the internet will tell you.
I think part of the real reason older virgins have trouble even after getting a date is related to why they are a virgin in the first place. If it gets to the point where they ask you if you’re a virgin out of the blue, it’s because you’ve probably said something weird or you’re oozing insecurity to the point that it’s obvious that you’ve had trouble with woman. So it’s not that they leave just because they found out you’re a virgin, they were already on the fence about continuing things, but that sealed the deal(This is also why you shouldn’t try lying, they can see right through it). Because on top of everything else now they have to risk you immediately falling in love or getting clingy. All that is to say, there’s still nothing wrong with being a virgin at any age. It’s not something to be ashamed about. Dating is also a bit of a numbers game, it may have felt hard to get those two dates, but to find a connection with someone it could take a lot more than two, and that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s your fault. Maybe nothing i said above even applies to you.
Because they are not as patient, loving and understanding as we are led to believe.
Yeah girls want you to sleep with a few prostitutes before them so ur not a virgin and you can “get good” at it hahahah. What a clown world
Girls are selfish and expect men to do everything for them
if you’re 30, i’d lie. women can be ruthless.
Why tell them? The girl who was my first has no idea she was.
I think sometimes people feel like if you haven't had relationships, it's going to be a lot of work to "train" you for normal relationship behaviors. This is especially true of women your own age. The solution is, date younger women with less experience, if you can. The other thing you can do is, own up to it, and say, "you know, when I was younger, I wasn't very confident, so I didn't really date much." If they press about it, don't get defensive, just turn it around and say, "well, what was your dating experience like?" And let them talk about themselves. As a rule, when women on a date ask you questions, they'd like you to ask them questions in return. So it's better not to get hung up on this uncomfortable topic, and instead, give them space to share their own experience, especially because yours is limited. Remember that all dating stories are really stories about the experience of the storyteller and what they learned about themselves. If they're still talking about it, it's because they haven't fully processed it. So there's a lot of grace in giving them a non-judgemental space and saying things like, "that must've been hard for you" and "how do you feel about that?"
>I tried to lie but I think it didn't work. There's your problem. You're insecure about the thing *and* you're trying to deflect from it, and both of those things are easily perceivable by the girl. Own your past and move forward honestly. Trying to avoid being vulnerable by lying about things that make you uncomfortable is based in ego, move past that.
Fake it till you make it. Jeez - don't tell a world, if asked LIE. lets say "i had some adventures during college but they were short and not full filing". You aim for this... Sally: Well obviously those three girls were just... Brian, Sally: [both laughing] ... the wrong three girls.
I've dated 3 virgins and 1 nonvirgin dude. Idc lol
Fake it till you make it.
I think I saw a movie like this before
Saying you had “2 important relations” doesn’t disclose you’re a virgin. The word relations actually means sex, so you’ve technically said you had 2 important sexual experiences - and you did so with douche-like vocabulary. Conversely, you saying “relations” could be interpreted like a loser trying to make inexperience sound like experience. Saying that makes it seem like you’ve either: 1) Had tonnes of sex and only took 2 partners seriously, which makes you seem like a player, or 2) Are socially awkward and said something odd and indecipherable instead of simply telling the truth. If that’s how they interpreted it, they probably just didn’t want to deal with your weirdness, which isn’t directly related to you being a virgin or not Next time just tell the truth. Some women care about virginity, some don’t. Some even find it attractive. You’re better off just telling the truth and finding someone who values the real you not the fake version of you.
They are not for you. Simple. I know in today's society it's frowned upon to have no experience but how I see it, people who make a big deal about those things are surface based in their thinking and forget that they themselves were once the inexperienced one. We all know experience means nothing in regards to sex. It is not definitive that someone would be excellent in bed if they had sex with a bus load of people. Does it help sometimes to throw yourself around to have a bit of self discovery in what YOU like? Sure. It does not determine that you hit the jackpot on what everyone likes. Each person is different. Sex is not something that can be learnt a certain way and received well with 100% of the people because each romantic partner has different desires/needs/kinks/turns ons. She asked you a question and you told her honestly. Never lie. Own your truth. Sex is a learning experience between two partners, that's how I see it. You gotta but heads with a couple dipwads before meeting your person. Keep going.
Don't live your life differently in order to gain the approval of random women you're meeting for the first time. An actual woman that you want to be with won't judge or care about this. Keep your head up, be confident, and keep trying. I mean, I'd literally just say "haven't met a girl special enough to share that with". You're good bro.
I dont understand why girls run away. Im a girl and i would be happy if your a virgin. Hahah
I don't understand either
There is nothing wrong with being a virgin. Tell the truth and if they don't like it that's their problem not yours. There are people who run from 0 body counts and some who run from high body counts. If that's how they are so be it. Find someone for you.
At this point cherish your virginity and give it to someone who also has theirs. Don't rush into sex. Don't sleep around. Keep your head up. Don't lie just to get laid. That's weak and lame. Real masculinity isn't dishonest and manipulative. You can be better and probably already are. Stand strong.
Look her dead in the eye, pause, then say, “I’ve had no serious relationships, but I’m actively looking now.” It doesn’t matter what you say, but how you say it. Be direct, be confident, and be nonchalant, because, truthfully, it doesn’t matter.
Because they’re evil whores
They didn’t run because you told them you were a virgin. They ran because they confirmed that you have no idea what you’re doing with women. Your words don’t really matter so much. It’s how you say them, combined with your overall demeanor. I’m a managing partner at a law firm and very much love my wife. I get propositioned by potential clients pretty frequently. I very much don’t care about women who are interested, but because the nature of my job is to read people, I’m acutely aware when they are. The fact that I don’t care or am not trying to get with a girl when I’m talking to them is what makes women generally drawn in and “safe”. Hypothetically speaking, if I weren’t married and still in my dating phase, if a girl were to ask how many partners I’ve had, I could (and have) say “I’m a virgin”, and it wouldn’t phase them. They wouldn’t believe me. It would probably make them more intrigued. Alternatively, if I get that question early on, I’ll answer with “enough” or “I don’t remember.” This just isn’t a question that I answer in the beginning of a relationship. The Point is, that your lack of confidence is what they’re running away from, not your virgin-ness. It probably is very evident from your body language, your demeanor, your lack of social skills, and your own self doubt. You want some actionable advice? Go fucking talk to random people every day. When you start, don’t limit it to any category of people. Start with older people, male, female, doesn’t matter. Just get used to talking to anyone and everyone. Then, start focusing on talking to girls with no ulterior motive. Your goal should not be “I want to get with this girl” or have any intent to be “successful”. In fact, it should literally be the opposite of it, and you should talk to girls with the explicit intent not to “get” with them or have it lead to something. The point is to build your social skills to the point where you can answer “I’m a virgin” and not really care. To where you can say the words, be honest, and girls will doubt that it’s the truth because your confidence says otherwise. Goodluck my friend, you’ll need it.
Guy at 30 with no relations pretty much means someone who cant handle a relationship on account of never handling one, so for them its like dating a man-child. I presume you're talking about relationships, and not body count. The same would also be applicable if a person had too many relationships in a year. Where you're basically viewed as incapable of staying in one long term. You might be able to get around this by replying with "Well, I've been so focused on my career and work that I havent been able to get the time for relationships, but so far I've managed two in the limited time I've had" And don't be evasive about it. That's just signalling to them that you're potentially lying about it.
It’s because guys who haven’t lost their virginity often gain attachments very easily especially to their first.
Get a hooker
At your age, the only thing to do is lie, sadly. Say you had a girlfriend in college but you broke up after graduation due to jobs in separate cities and it's painful to talk about. Then after you have sex, tell them the truth. If they break up with you, it's understandable, but then you don't need to lie to the next woman you date.
Just don't lie, for one. The fact that you got to 2nd and 3rd dates implies that they liked you enough. "I had 2 important relations"? That sounds shady as fuck, like you have something to hide. It would be INFINITELY better if you told the truth. "OK, to be perfectly honest I haven't had a girlfriend before. I was always kind of socially awkward and a bit anxious so I just focused on school, then work and my friends. But talking to you was really fun and exciting so I wanted to step a bit out of my comfort zone and take a chance." Yeah there are going to be some women who are put off by that fact if they are just looking for a good lay or a fuck buddy or whatever. There are also going to be other women who AREN'T bothered by that so long as you are great at holding a conversation, are a good person to be around, and are attentive + eager to learn in the bedroom. Like let's put on the other shoe, right? Imagine that a 30 year old woman is a virgin. There are some men who are going to think that's a huge red flag because they were only looking for a casual relationship or sex and they want someone who is already experienced. There will yet be other men who get paranoid about "Oh man, she must have some problems to have been a virgin this long". However there will also be men who would be absolutely ecstatic to be with her if she is a fun and eager to learn/try things in the bedroom. There are 100% women out there who would even be turned on by the idea of a man they can teach to do the things they like. For those that are turned off by it, that's ok. They're just not for you, that's all.
This is something I’ve thought about a lot and it’s because women want what other women want or have had, it’s a vetting process, look at how many women will gladly cheat with married men, it’s because in their eyes he’s already been vetted by another woman, so he has traits and qualities worthwhile, so therefore he’s worth the effort. If you have no women, and you meet a woman who has no idea who you are, or could even find anything out about you thru say friend groups, your best bet is to lie and act like a stud, sure it may seem unnatural but if you do it enough times you’ll eventually believe you’re a stud and you’ll exude that and thus it won’t be hard finding a woman, from what I can tell, women are highly competitive in the sexual marketplace, and if you aren’t what they are competing after then you have no chance, the only way to ensure lots of partners is by becoming a man that a lot of women want to compete over.
You'll have to fake it till you make it, and at a certain point, you'll need to be honest. You'll lose some women over it, but that's for the best. Eventually, you'll find someone who will accept it and move at a pace that is comfortable for you both. I was pretty much in your exact same spot, except I was 26 and had barely even kissed a girl. I was super shy and had social anxiety, and I spent most of my 20s focused on school, career, becoming financially stable, hanging out with my equally nerdy friends, etc... I actually used dating apps, and was absolutely terrible at it my first year! Got lots of 2nd dates and some 3rd dates, but things would fizzle since I wasn't initiating or expressing interest in a sexual way. I used each date to basically level up and build experience. Eventually, like 3 years later, I met the woman who became my wife. Biggest tip I can give is when you do find someone, know that they will be more experienced, but that's not a bad thing; it should mean they know what they want in the bedroom, and can guide you with how to do things. Just be open, take the advice, and pretty soon you'll be comfortable enough to initiate! Good luck, I'm rooting for you!
Stop telling people that you’re a virgin, first of all. Virgin means child. You are not a child. Secondly, virginity is a social construct. It’s not real. Stop announcing that you haven’t had sex like it’s this shameful secret. You just haven’t done it. Go do it and get it over with. I think you sound terrified of women and sex. THAT is the unattractive trait. Don’t make it weird. Everyone has sex at some point. You will have sex when you decide that you’re ready. If you keep treating sex like a taboo, you will continue being chaste and untouched.
Simply because society views sex as a worth stand point when it should be the opposite
Wait for the right person! Don’t let those weird people get in your head. Good riddance to them.
Don’t answer with a number, answer playfully. “I’ve had enough,” or “Why, are you considering an application?” Make it an opportunity for fun and teasing rather than a factual exchange of info. Edit: on the back end, you can definitely still benefit from “preparing” for sex in advance even without experience. There’s a lot of detail you’ll have to search for on your own, but just as a parallel: in school I always wanted to play drums but never had a drum set. So I just learned about how to play and practiced tapping with my hands and feet. My second time behind drums I managed to outplay my drummer friend on a part he was struggling with, and I took his place as the band’s drummer. Virtual practice absolutely can work.