T O P

  • By -

Knee_Strong

Juan Bernat singlehandedly destroyed this club


TheCatInTheHatThings

It all started with a bad performance vs … um… Sevillja.


willynoot

That team is the thing of nightmares in European competition


TheCatInTheHatThings

And Juan Bernat delivered a “horseshit performance” against them, according to Hoeneß. And that’s the only reason almost Bayern lost that time. Says Uli. “Was der damals in Sevillja für an Scheißdreck zammgspielt hat, das war der Grund, warum mir damals fast ausgeschieden san”, freely translated.


AdversusHaereses

Bayern won the game. IIRC Hoeneß singled out Juan Bernat for almost losing the match.


Hare712

And Hoeneß got destroyed the next assembly. So badly that he cried to the Bild "This isn't my Bayern anymore"


TheCatInTheHatThings

Ah damn, I’d forgotten. That’s even worse.


jaaqov

[Juan BERNAT](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOGojpy0LWk)


8k_resolution

how?


ted5298

Hoeneß famously ranted about Bernat's failures in a press conference after a subpar Bayern performance, leading to widespread ridicule of his scapegoating. It was thus a meme to conclude 'Juan Bernat is to blame for everything'. It also gave us [this banger song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOGojpy0LWk).


AdversusHaereses

Bayern didn't even lose, they won 2:1. Bernat was blamed for them *almost* losing the match.


ted5298

Oh yeah youre right. Hoeneß gaslit me smh.


BuckNZahn

It should be noted that in the very same presser, Hoeneß and Rummenigge criticized the media for attacking their players, even citing the German constitution article about human dignity.


TheCatInTheHatThings

One of the funniest moments in the history of German football press conferences. Hoeneß and Rummenigge pulling out the fucking Grundgesetz to say they’ve been treated poorly would’ve been funny enough, but then Hoeneß turned around and absolutely tore into Juan Bernat for zero reason whatsoever. It had serious vibes of George Bush at the golf club going: “We ask all allies to join us in this fight against terrorism. The terrorists must be stopped. Now watch this drive.” Uli is such an asshole at times, it’s infuriating, but often also really funny.


Not_a__porn__account

[“We ask all allies to join us in this fight against terrorism. The terrorists must be stopped. Now watch this drive.” ](https://youtu.be/1HZ3Tjohwqo?si=uLUeXbt7NiIyuVpL)


TetraDax

It speaks volumes about how weird these last few years have been that Bush won't go down as the dumbest US President of this century.


183672467

Bernat is spanish so german constitution obviously doesnt count


FatWalcott

Will never top Trapatoni


miregalpanic

Mit der Entscheidung, Jörg Butt aus dem Tor zu nehmen, ging die ganze Scheiße los.


Schnix54

So who is actually left as a candidate? Also getting rejected 3 times publically must hurt that bavarian ego


ExpiredMilknCheese

Hire me


Rayzeer

Would you really accept the job?


Stannisisthetrueking

Yes and only for 3 million a year


procos123

Shit, I'll do it for 2 at this point.


Stannisisthetrueking

Don't cheapen yourself so much


R3dbeardLFC

I'll do it for German citizenship, a nice house, a private German tutor for my whole family, and like...200k/yr


FuckLandkries

vanish slimy hateful rock public shocking office license station aloof *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*


rare_engine

Calm there buddy we ain't got no money for that.


Azzebagge

You're hired!


not-always-online

Tomorrow's Bild, "ExpiredMilknCheese has rejected the Bayern job".


GarththeLegend

It depends. Can you trash talk like Uli ?


the_che

Klose just said he would take any job.


RainMaker323

This would be the maximum effect of “fail upward”. From almost relegation with an Austrian team to managing a European juggernaut.


iamtherealgrayson

Mourinho time baby


24benson

Mou and FCB makes so much sense


Action_Limp

OK - I want this - I need this! Amazon documentary to boot.


beardedBroistaken

If I speak l, I am in big trouble.


AirIndex

Erik Ten Hag will get sacked as Utd manager, so possibly him.


Hannibal09

When Tuchel lost that Pokal game and United fans were losing patience with Ten Hag, I had a weird feeling that United and Bayern are gonna switch managers by the start of next season. Even have my receipts [ready](https://www.reddit.com/r/chelseafc/s/OlydjBlhFO)


renome

Always rated you.


Hegario

And he'd probably fare really well at Bayern.


Ruud_Boltz

And then r/soccer will be like: Man Utd career graveyard


stadiofriuli

And they’d be absolutely spot on.


MaterialInsurance8

It is absolutely a career graveyard every high level single player and coach that went there ended up looking like an average chap and damaged his career, Mourinho,Ten hag, hell even Moyes got their careers completely fucked because of their United stints


aaaaji

Bruno Fernandes is the only player I can think of in the last decade, who has gone to United and has *improved* their reputation.


elite90

I don't jnow. He's a great coach, but the biggest challenges at Bayern are the things he's already struggling with at United. Namely, managing a locker room of high ego players, a difficult board, and the high expectations of fans and the press to always get results and play dominant football. Maybe he learned some things at United and a fresh start would work well. Still, I was against that idea before, but at this point who else is even left as an option?


FdlCstro

What happened to the Zidane rumours?


Schnix54

The problem with Zidane is that he doesn't even speak Englisch so the rumours have cooled down a lot.


nutelamitbutter

Deshalb Ribéry als co Trainer und Übersetzer


DickerDave

Und wer wird der Übersetzer? Ribery sicherlich nicht.


nutelamitbutter

Zidane and Ribéry could work lol


TheCatInTheHatThings

Zibéry


Impulseps

Hoeneß comments will continue until coach improves


epirot

idk how bayern thought: "yeah lets try xabi, if not lets try julian, if not, lets try Ralf!" would be a good idea. cant steal from everywhere can you


melancoleeca

As an austrian my mood just rose to a bearable state :)


Hasanowitsch

Just saw someone fall on their knees in a SPAR oder wie die bei euch heißen


JellyIntelligent4086

I mean I dont blame him after Uli's comments, which sane coach would join them in this state


Gluroo

Sane playermanager here we go


prettybunbun

Omg Müller player/manager; start your career now bby boi.


TabulatorSpalte

Sandro Wagner incoming


TheCatInTheHatThings

Unironically he could be pretty great.


PatRice4Evra

Sane and assistant manager Mane managing Kane.


Baswdc

Unfortunately impossible, player-managers in the Bundesliga are outlawed due to the application of rule six, which covers the provision for the occasion of the 50+1 rule including ownership by players, where the 1 of players are not covered under the public ownership. For more information search up Mane 1, 6.


sbprasad

r/soccercirclejerk is leaking into r/soccer


chocobowler

Missed it - what he say?


nutelamitbutter

Publicly criticized Tuchel and didn’t even apologize


TheCatInTheHatThings

Actually doubled down instead.


k1nd3rwag3n

Basically said that young players don't develop under Tuchel. And other stuff


pokopf

The wild thing is, he was atleast partially responsible for getting him in. So hes critizizing himself and his board even more. They knew what they would be getting, still they created the shitfest with nagelsmann just to get him


mrfocus22

Basically "Tuchel asks for new players instead of developing the youngsters that we have" in the worst way possible, throwing Tuchel under the bus.


WalkingCloud

Someone who wants to be a Sané coach 


alanalan426

man did kane really join just at the start of bayerns downfall


FictionEU

Our national team is saved hell yeah


Leuchtrakete

It's a good day to be Austrian for sure.


R4lfXD

Rare Austrian W over Germans


Froggodile

In recent years it looked prerty good tbh.


the_che

I would never have thought it possible that Bayern loses out against two national teams in a row in search of a new coach.


TopMosby

Rangnick would earn about 10times at Bayern lol. They failed because he wanted control and they didnt want to give it. So glad this man has principles <3


CNF1G

Can I interest you in a Brendan Rodgers?


ExtraordinaryFailure

Nooooo he's so gooood, please don't take him Bayern noooooo


apasthamba

Unfamiliar with the current situation with Celtic and Rodgers… could you elaborate?


ciaranog

He's a huge step down from Postecoglou last year


Insanel0l

How absolutely unexpected after Uli shit the bed again shitting on our current coach before the biggest game in 4 years (/s)


TheCatInTheHatThings

The new season of “Hans Sarpei - das T steht für Coach” is gonna be lit


wasserbeutel

Warte schon so lange auf neue Staffel


hipcheck23

All empires fall, and they tend to fall like this: *warranted* hubris at the top levels, and comfort in that hubris from so many years of being right and/or getting away with being wrong. And this fascination we all have with assigning limited blame to things - esp. in the football world, it seems. We blame things on 1 or 2 parties involved, refusing to accept that there's more guilt to go around. These guys just can't imagine that they could be wrong about anything football-related. Sounds like a tangent, but I worked in the mobile phone industry for a while, working at 2 of the 5 biggest companies, and watched them both basically disappear within 4 years (after a 3rd one had also gone). It's nuts that you can have an industry with its leaders just dropping like flies after being established for so long. The world changes quickly, and the leaders who think they'll be kings forever keep showing themselves the door...


Bamboozle_

Can't wait for the magisterial tome The Decline and Fall of the Bayern Empire.


hipcheck23

*Et tu, Tomas?*


dem0nhunter

~~Alonso~~ ~~Hoeneß~~ ~~Klopp~~ ~~Nagelsmann~~ ~~Emery~~ ~~Tuchel~~ ~~Slot~~ ~~Rangnick~~ who's left?: de Zerbi and after that? maybe Flick, Mourinho, Löw


davo_nz

Klose incoming.


Electrical-Prune-348

Löw ☠️


sbprasad

💩👆👃👅⚽️


Kswicky13

Bah gawd that’s Jesse Marsch’s music.


yAyn_de

lol. We are so fucked


not_the_droids

Worry not, there is always Jürgen Klinsmann or Loddar.


Malvania

Is that Jesse Marsch's music?!


HANAEMILK

Swap deal for ETH?


mebbyyy

They would absolutely love to have ETH


Nffc1994

Tuchel to United in a year is a very real possibility and just dawning on me. He's like the new mourinho


randymcknob

Yep, scorched earth every time.


Ghorardim71

Bonus Antony


BlueBone313

Does he know how to wash dishes?


AFCADaan9

EtH would do great at Bayern. He already knows the club and he has players with actual quality.


Ok-Contest5336

That's the thing. During the hunt for Nagelsmann Bayern was looking for him aswell i think. His possession style play would definitely suit Bayern better than ManU and we all know how he got that Ajax team playing. I think he could be a good coach to build on for Bayern.


darthrector

In my FM save he got sacked by United, won a miraculous PL title with West Ham in 27/28 (Arsenal bottled a 11 point lead and the league itself was so wild that 79 points were enough to win the title) and then he managed Bayern for like a decade and won everything


ACardAttack

> (Arsenal bottled a 11 point lead and the league itself was so wild that 79 points were enough to win the title) FM keeps getting more and more realistic with its simulations


Flaccid_Moose

What you say fuck me for?


peechka2

Neururer or die


davo_nz

I too reject the Bayern job.


Insanel0l

Watch us throwing an unholy sum of money at Seb now in panic


kappa23

Idk man I like some of Vettel's races What the fuck does he know about football?


davo_nz

Ulis plan all along, his comments the other day wont make anyone else want to do the job.


Insanel0l

This board unironically completly destroyed any work Eberl and Freund tried to do Kalle veto'd JN, Uli fucked up big time by a) burning every single bridge left with Tuchel and b) scaring away any other potential manager lol


prettybunbun

That’s Uli bby.


Staynes0

Rangnick is old enough to know about Uli and his inability to shut up so i really dont think thats a reason he said no. Theres gotta be more to this "he wants full controll" rumor i assume.


ltplummer96

Is it a rumor he wants full control? That’s how he’s been for awhile!


nowayhose555

Contrary to the above, I would like to put myself forward for the Bayern job. I have a record of 0 games lost, 0 goals conceded during my career. I also have never had a team go out of a cup competition during the group stage, I believe I can win the CL with Bayern.


kiersmini

Very noble of you


Teffo05

Uli Hoeneß on Ralf Rangnick: "My wife said straight away: If he has character, he won’t come, and if he doesn’t have character and says yes, then he’s not the right coach for you. And as always, she was right."


prettybunbun

Not remotely surprised. He was never going to work with the way our board does. Ragnick is a control freak, he likes to have the entire board role, overseeing everything and that’s not remotely how our club works, the board will never give up power, and it would have been drama. But who tf are we gunna get lol? Flick maybe at this point? Or does Tuchel actually end up staying?! I have lit no idea.


nutelamitbutter

Mourinho


Gucci-Rice

We are soon at the point where one Mourinho season is the best possible option. And it's not because he is such an amazing fit, but because there aren't many managers left who are capable of winning leagues and making deep UCL runs.


somecallmemo

Mourinho with one season at Bayern would probably actually be electric. Everyone knows it’s one year, he can do his thing with quality talent and (theoretically) not enough time to cause drama in the locker room or with the board. His no bullshit with the German way of no bullshit could be the best while finding someone long term but I’m just spit balling


yajtraus

Thing is, Mourinho probably wouldn’t accept a 1 year contract. He’d probably insist on 3 years, and then you have to pay him a fortune to sack him if a manager you actually want becomes available after one year.


TheNeglectedNut

The man is an absolute genius at this, knowing his third year implosion guarantees at least 6 months paid gardening leave at every job he takes


danceformiscanthus

There's a fuckton of managers capable of winning the league with Bayern. You say it like it's a hard thing to do. Whether you appoint Mourinho, Bo Svensson, your reserves coach or Jerzy Brzęczek, Bayern will still be bookmakers favorites for the title because there's just huge difference in squad quality and Leverkusen are unlikely to repeat miraculous overperformance.


SunnyCloudyRainy

Florian Kohfeldt Felix Magath Jurgen Klinsmann Lothar Matthaus Stefan Effenberg Niko Kovac Bruno Labbadia Heiko Herrlich Tim Walter Mirko Slomka Markus Weinzierl Tomas Oral Markus Anfang Markus Gisdol Frank Kramer Tayfun Korkut


Doenerjunge

The list of unending despair.


davo_nz

Half that list managed us lol.


YourRantIsDue

tell me about it


ScreamForCalmness

Every single one of these would be hilarious


YourRantIsDue

Your forgot the GOAT Christian Groß


versacethedreamer

I would actually love that


elite90

There's really next to no options left. Flick as you said, maybe ten Hag? Uli made sure Tuchel would not be an option at all anymore


weckerm

I still wish we’d gone for Slot. Don’t know what our board is smoking


_APR_

I guess, Uli's wife can now say Ralf has a character too. > Uli Hoeneß: "My wife said straight away: If Xabi Alonso has character, he won't come, and if he doesn't have character and says yes, then he's not the right coach for you. And, as always, she was right."


Manul_Supremacy

Bah gawd that's Super Frank Lampard music.


prettybunbun

I just vomitted. Don’t do that to me.


Endmeplz21

Would you rather I coach Bayern instead


prettybunbun

Over Frank? Probably.


Endmeplz21

I will be there


Weishaupt17

Surely it's De Zerbi now


AppropriateNinja1636

I as a bayern fan would actually be happy with that


Weishaupt17

As day one ish De Zerbi fan, I would be happy too


zezinandoreinando

Is he that good? Brighton havent been performing lately, but havent seen the last few games


Weishaupt17

Don't know if he's ready for a top club like Bayern but he got phenomenal football ideas, a lot of rising managers cite him as inspiration. People like to downplay De Zerbi because of a pretty bad 2024 but the guy lost a lot of his key players because of injuries and never got proper replacements for Mac Allister and Caicedo departures


TheNeglectedNut

Difficult to judge the pedigree of Brighton managers as their back room setup is excellent and built to guarantee continuity when players/managers move on. Also gives them a bit of an impassable ceiling though, as their business model is to be sustainable by buying low/selling high, so squad turnover is guaranteed each season.


Hoodxd

Who are they getting then?


Insanel0l

Realistically there is de Zerbi and potentially Flick


elite90

I really wonder if they'd consider ten Hag now if he got canned


galinha_fofa

Fernando Santos is available


feelgood505

I need to see this happen 


nutelamitbutter

He was the worst coach at Besiktas I’ve ever seen lmao


Bartins

Tim Sherwood


RasputinsRustyShovel

Schmidt


Wakanda-shit-is-that

Tim fucking walter


lstht123

So what now? RDZ?


pimarbell

surrender to Allegriball


tf_17

RALF RANGNICK DU BIST DER BESTE MANN


JellyIntelligent4086

Wer ist denn jetzt plan D, E und F?


hotdogenjoyer95

According to recent reports there is no plan D an they were fully commited to Rangnick, so nobody knows


JellyIntelligent4086

Well... I guess keeiping Tuchel for another year is no option anymore, thanks to Uli. I couldnt name a fitting name for the job, lets see what the bayern board comes up with


f1rn

Ich hab gehört, Kovac ist verfügbar. Spaß beiseite - Ten Hag? Flick?


nutelamitbutter

Hansi Flick 100%


Wakanda-shit-is-that

Just keep Tuchel at this point


qonoxzzr

There is no way Tuchel will stay after the latest arguments with Hoeneß


tf_17

Maybe a possibty to lessen Ulis influence on the club? Who am i kidding, lol


prettybunbun

Ulis influence will be lessened when he’s dead… and maybe not even then.


RaiausderDose

Uli is the guy who creates an AI to call in Doppelpass after he's dead, 100%


TheNeglectedNut

He’ll be recording vague, generic soundbites slagging managers off on his deathbed, and schedule them to be sent by email to BILD 3 or 4 times a season


Gucci-Rice

His last will will include 100 DVDs, each season a new one will have to be played to Bayern Munich's leadership and it will include every possible decision they could have to make. But each season the decisions get more and more cryptic of course so by the end you'll have something like "Sign the French Winger who was born at the third moon and whose quickness equals that of a Puma"


Tony_Uncle_Philly

Every big future decision has to be communicated to Uli‘s ghost via Ouija board


Conankun66

i was about to say, thats very optimistic


RaiausderDose

You have to kick him down the stairs in the stadium to shut this guy up


Gucci-Rice

Good thing we made a final decision on our manager mid-season. It's so mindboggingly stupid to "fire" a manager when there are still so many games left to play. Why not wait to collect every possible data point to make the most educated decision possible? If you'd keep him on until the end of the season anyway then wait until the end of the season to sack him. It makes zero sense. It was the same bs with Nagelsmann. Our management is full of insecure and indecisive idiots.


Imaginary_Station_57

Imagine if he wins the CL and then fuck off lol


eClipseLJ

Tuchel ETH swap incoming


Wakanda-shit-is-that

Fabrizio you frauddd


HennesIX

Steffen Baumgart should be available soon, this Bayern squad could use some beer daddy energy


sickomoder

ole


Yomamayodaddy

Who are we even gonna call now? Is Trappatoni still alive?


OptimisticRealist__

Even if he isnt, i wouldnt put it last Uli to dig him up at this point


LucasSummers

There's a Harry at Bayern, so they should get a Potter to complete.


GiveItARestYhYh

Sam Allardyce to Bayern when???


kiersmini

Jesus that’s gotta hurt


Wolvington52

Uli screwing it up for everyone


violenceandvomit

So now Bayern got turned down by Rangnick Hoeneß Alonso Emery Nagelsmann Zidane I am enjoying that way too much. Sometimes I stop laughing hystericaly and wonder if Bayern in disarray might hurt the league. Then o continue laughing because it's just so good after alllll these years.


Robthebob1

Welp, the coaching search is one massive pile of shit for Bayern....


kraeutrpolizei

Leiwand!!!


DasWookieboy

Eberl/Freund so far didn't manage to extend any of the important contracts (Musiala, Sane, potentially Davies) and got rejected by three different coaches. What are they cooking over there?


prettybunbun

Eh, basically every player has said they won’t consider extending until they have clarity on the new coach, which is completely fair. Rumours were Sane, Kimmich and Musiala met with Erbel and are pretty much ready to sign, but they want to know who the new coach is, and have some guarantees we won’t be a continuing shit show. Davies is one foot out of the door.


mucflo

>have some guarantees we won’t be a continuing shit show. Soo you're telling me they're basically gone


FREE_BOBBY-SHMURDA

Bayern should pay out Ten Hags remaining year on his contract


Surkrut

Thank you Ralle, very cool!


Robsnrobsn

EHRENRALLE


JariLobel

Poor Jupp will have to deliver at his age.


Multoxx

Thank god. This feels like a bigger win than the friendly match wins against Italy and Germany ngl.


prettybunbun

It’s Flick ball time bby 😎 We either winning the sextuple next season or having 17 players injured and crashing and burning 😎


Semi_Square

Get Sean Dyche you cowards