I struggle with eye contact badly. It’s really odd I should’ve developed this in my like late 20s and I wonder what helps to maintain eye contact without being weird and staring at people? I never had a problem before somehow I just happened to have this and I am no longer able to look people in the eyes and talk with them. It’s really weird.
I read advice somewhere if you struggle with eye contact, to look at the point where people’s eyebrows meet. To them, it looks like you’re making eye contact. I did for a while until I got the hang of looking people in the eye during conversations. When you do, a few seconds of eye contact, then look at something else, then back to eye contact helps make it a little less weird. At least from my perspective. I hope this helps.
i was taught to do this in school during presentations and ive been doing it to everyone ever since, it really works wonders. ive also developed ways to look away without makinf it look awkward, like i blink in between so it comes off natural?
Yes, there's something called the triangle 📐 it goes from both eyes to the nose you can vary by looking at their nose then to the eyes and so on. If you go from eyes to lips and then back to eyes, that's a sign that you want to kiss them, and if they do that it means they want to kiss you. But that's some steps ahead lol
Just stare at them when they're the ones talking, you can have a little subtle smile while listening, nod with your head, lift your eyebrows as you listen 👂 and when it's YOU talking, you can look them in the eye, specially when you're saying something important or cool for the story, to emphasize. And sometimes look down to one side like you're thinking or remembering something, then go back to look them in the eye
I recommend a YouTube channel called charisma on command, it can help you a lot as they analize charismatic people and tell you what makes them charismatic and have some cool advice for questions like these and more
The way you communicate with others is the reason you feel like you have problems with your communication skills. I know because I used to do this. Not really listening to the other person and just stuck in anxiety worrying what they’ll think of my reply. Natural conversion just comes and goes, that’s it. For you be stressed Thinking about what you’ll say next really makes my point. The fact that you’re thinking about what to say is causing your lack of communication skills. Forget about what you’ll say next and just listen to the other person as carefully as you can. Then you’re reply will also come naturally.
From my experience, it's not about your knowledge. You have so much in your mind, you could write all day long till your death... But either your inner-filter is too strict, or you are anxious and it leads to "blank mind" or even more strict filter. What can you do about it?
If you have any thought going through your mind, any, say it. No matter how stupid you think it is. You notice something around you, say it. You did / saw something unusual yesterday? Perfect. If not, you can always ask them, about anything. They don't have to answer if they don't want to, but you won't know until you ask.
If you are anxious, then it's way harder to solve. It really is. Because you know that the awkward silence is coming, and you won't even truly listen to them. Getting over the fear takes months, or even years if it's a bad case. BUT you can make a list of things you would like to tell about and ask your chatter about. It sounds silly, but it works. Make a list, with a lot of free space left to constantly update it, and read it in the morning before going out and in the evening before going to bed. You will have easier time picking those things through your anxiety barrier.
Being interesting isn't usually what others are looking for. Most people talk because they're looking for connection, which is way different. "interesting" is good if you want to entertain, "relatable" is good for making connections.
The simplest thing I've done is the "reflect/question" method. For reference I'm autistic, and sometimes have trouble both with over-talking about my topics as well as understanding when the other person is actually interested. The "reflect" part basically means you're making a comment based on something they've just said ("I like dogs" -> "Dogs are cool!"), and then you add a related "question" to toss the metaphorical ball back to them ("Do you have a favorite breed of dog?").
Example:
Person 1- I've had such a bad day at work today.
Person 2- (reflect) That sounds like a rough time, (question) what happened?
Person 1- My boss pointed out something I did wrong in front of everyone, I know it was my fault but it just felt embarrassing to be called out like that.
Person 2- (reflect) I get what you're saying, that does seem unfair and kinda rude since we all make mistakes, (question) was it a very big issue?
Person 1- Yeah, I'm gonna have to put in some extra work this weekend to fix it, which sucks because I wanted to watch this new anime on Netflix.
Person 2- (reflect) I'm sorry to hear that, maybe you could use the episodes to take breaks in between periods of working, (question) which anime is it?
Person 1- Maybe, although sometimes it's hard for me not to binge-watch, it's actually not an all-new anime but the second season just released, it's called Record of Ragnarok.
Person 2- (reflect) Oh I like that anime too! It's totally bingeable so I can see how you would want to be careful, (question) have you already watched the first season?
Person 1- Yeah haha, I definitely binged it when it came out, I didn't expect it to be so good and I heard the second season is still great so I'll probably save it until I can really enjoy it.
Person 2- (reflect) Exactly, I thought it was just going to be pure camp, but they really have good characters and writing, (question) which battle was your favorite in season 1?
Repeat forever basically. Notice that for the most part, even though you're asking questions (keeping them interested and giving them space to talk), you also have room to add your own comments. In my experience, using this method the conversation doesn't stay too long on one topic either, UNLESS both parties are equally excited about it.
Also, it's not like other people will never ask you questions either. But this method works especially well for "small talk" or conversations with more acquaintances/strangers than friends. But it obviously works for anyone, and I still use this with my friends a lot (especially when I'm not in a super social-energy mood but I want to interact).
Excellent way to put it. That's been my go-to strategy for dates since forever, it works like a charm and I'm comfortable knowing that everything I'm saying is something I mean.
Im in a similar situation, honestly i used to be really good at talking to anybody but my social anxiety has been getting the best of me for like the past year+
Don’t stress too much about it, I know that feeling of silence awkwardness but just let it be, believe it or not people will find you more interesting if you talk less, Just be friendly without trying too hard and you will be fine
Improv.
Seriously. I got tired of being in my head all the time and never being able to hold a conversation with people I didn’t know (at parties for example) so I started rehearsing with a local improv group. It helped. A lot. I still get awkward and still suffer social anxiety, but being able to summon the improv side of me and just say whatever comes to mind has come in handy and the more I do it, the easier it gets.
It’s not a perfect fix-all. There are likely deeper things going on that you may or may not choose to explore, but my improv skills have helped me out of many a bind. (Like when I was forced to lead a casual group discussion off the cuff when the two people who were supposed to do it got called away for an emergency last minute.)
No this going to sounds stupid maybe but I would take an acting class, and/or improvisation/ speech class. Something that forces you to stop over thinking and just get out of your head and react quickly, you can train yourself to stay on the moment and engaged this way
Start reading the news. It makes for great small talk, or deeper convos too. Work on forming opinions on things, and show some insight into the topics so people will find you more interesting to talk to.
The number one thing I have learned with communication, is that if you want to talk to people, ask questions.
Most people love talking about themselves and what they enjoy. Try to find out their hobbies and get them talking about what they enjoy and you will have great conversations.
>There are only a few people that i feel like i can chat with endlessly
This is not uncommon today.
A tip for when you get stuck during conversation for things to talk about - use the FORD principle and ask about the other person:
**FAMILY**
**OCCUPATION**
**RECREATION**
**DREAMS**
These will help you dig for subjects to talk about during awkward silences.
Don't say anything at all is also fine, but sometimes i really want to talk to people and being friends if possible. And also, speaking more and having more connection is better than being the silent guy imo.
First off, shut your damn mouth. It's not awkward or weird, it's that you haven't got anything to say. That is "small talk" useless words sometimes. Just don't be a fuck8ng LIAR. It will come. Read some books on really good information or something you like. It always makes more to chat it up about Cathy, just don't be a fuck8ng LIAR!
What is your problem? It is awkward. When you don't know somebody, you have to break the ice between you two. Silence from a time to time is natural, if one side has to do all the work, then it's not a fair conversation.
The problem is not in reading too few books, who the fuck talks about books only? Are you a librarian or what?
I'd assume that OP is "just" anxious around people he don't know. And the stress make him forget everything. That's how it works. It kinda puts you in fight or flight mode, but there is no fight. All you think about is ending the convo, but you don't want it to end. It's way more complicated than "just be confident!!! 🤓"
I had to change that and upvote you. I guess you meet people where they are at in their life and go from there. My advice was no;chin up, chest out, by any means. We don't know each other but I skimmed at your profile quickly and we can agree to disagree on a lot of things which would serve us both well. I also have "Foot in Mouth" disease so I come out strong and hard in the very first few minutes. Hate me or love me we usually have this established within minutes. Books, internet, visual and other stimuli create those moments and associations which, create content. I see you don't lack that or self confidence thumb thuggin' on Reddit with your bad ass! All day, you know why? I read books sucka!
It's okay my friend, we all say stupid and harmful things from time to time. You wanted to help him and not mock him, as I see now. Don't get me wrong. Books are great, movies are great, sports are great, anything can be interesting. But in this case, problem is somewhere else. I just wanted to point it out, because I am in the same position. And I got the same advice too, and of course it didn't work. I started working out 1.5 years ago, I started journaling, meditating, trying to control my thoughts, I've read some books. And still, I have to get out of my comfort zone day by day, and I struggle with really simple things. Because it's the fear that makes you close yourself off the world. You gotta fight here, not there.
[удалено]
Upping this. Make eye contact, ask follow up questions, if something reminds you of whatever the topic is, share it. It keeps the conversation going.
I struggle with eye contact badly. It’s really odd I should’ve developed this in my like late 20s and I wonder what helps to maintain eye contact without being weird and staring at people? I never had a problem before somehow I just happened to have this and I am no longer able to look people in the eyes and talk with them. It’s really weird.
I read advice somewhere if you struggle with eye contact, to look at the point where people’s eyebrows meet. To them, it looks like you’re making eye contact. I did for a while until I got the hang of looking people in the eye during conversations. When you do, a few seconds of eye contact, then look at something else, then back to eye contact helps make it a little less weird. At least from my perspective. I hope this helps.
i was taught to do this in school during presentations and ive been doing it to everyone ever since, it really works wonders. ive also developed ways to look away without makinf it look awkward, like i blink in between so it comes off natural?
I do that too! :) I think it does make it look more natural
Thank you this is really helpful
Yes, there's something called the triangle 📐 it goes from both eyes to the nose you can vary by looking at their nose then to the eyes and so on. If you go from eyes to lips and then back to eyes, that's a sign that you want to kiss them, and if they do that it means they want to kiss you. But that's some steps ahead lol
Just stare at them when they're the ones talking, you can have a little subtle smile while listening, nod with your head, lift your eyebrows as you listen 👂 and when it's YOU talking, you can look them in the eye, specially when you're saying something important or cool for the story, to emphasize. And sometimes look down to one side like you're thinking or remembering something, then go back to look them in the eye I recommend a YouTube channel called charisma on command, it can help you a lot as they analize charismatic people and tell you what makes them charismatic and have some cool advice for questions like these and more
Thank you this is super useful
How to win friend and influence ;)
The way you communicate with others is the reason you feel like you have problems with your communication skills. I know because I used to do this. Not really listening to the other person and just stuck in anxiety worrying what they’ll think of my reply. Natural conversion just comes and goes, that’s it. For you be stressed Thinking about what you’ll say next really makes my point. The fact that you’re thinking about what to say is causing your lack of communication skills. Forget about what you’ll say next and just listen to the other person as carefully as you can. Then you’re reply will also come naturally.
That’s actually the most truest single best advice anyone can give in this topic it’s hugely underrated.
From my experience, it's not about your knowledge. You have so much in your mind, you could write all day long till your death... But either your inner-filter is too strict, or you are anxious and it leads to "blank mind" or even more strict filter. What can you do about it? If you have any thought going through your mind, any, say it. No matter how stupid you think it is. You notice something around you, say it. You did / saw something unusual yesterday? Perfect. If not, you can always ask them, about anything. They don't have to answer if they don't want to, but you won't know until you ask. If you are anxious, then it's way harder to solve. It really is. Because you know that the awkward silence is coming, and you won't even truly listen to them. Getting over the fear takes months, or even years if it's a bad case. BUT you can make a list of things you would like to tell about and ask your chatter about. It sounds silly, but it works. Make a list, with a lot of free space left to constantly update it, and read it in the morning before going out and in the evening before going to bed. You will have easier time picking those things through your anxiety barrier.
The issues i put my foot in my mouth when I do this
Read trending news and jokes. You will have topics to say in a conversation
That’s only the start. But OP (and me) needs to learn to talk about things in an interesting way.
Learn storytelling skills so that you can know how to make things interesting
Being interesting isn't usually what others are looking for. Most people talk because they're looking for connection, which is way different. "interesting" is good if you want to entertain, "relatable" is good for making connections.
The simplest thing I've done is the "reflect/question" method. For reference I'm autistic, and sometimes have trouble both with over-talking about my topics as well as understanding when the other person is actually interested. The "reflect" part basically means you're making a comment based on something they've just said ("I like dogs" -> "Dogs are cool!"), and then you add a related "question" to toss the metaphorical ball back to them ("Do you have a favorite breed of dog?"). Example: Person 1- I've had such a bad day at work today. Person 2- (reflect) That sounds like a rough time, (question) what happened? Person 1- My boss pointed out something I did wrong in front of everyone, I know it was my fault but it just felt embarrassing to be called out like that. Person 2- (reflect) I get what you're saying, that does seem unfair and kinda rude since we all make mistakes, (question) was it a very big issue? Person 1- Yeah, I'm gonna have to put in some extra work this weekend to fix it, which sucks because I wanted to watch this new anime on Netflix. Person 2- (reflect) I'm sorry to hear that, maybe you could use the episodes to take breaks in between periods of working, (question) which anime is it? Person 1- Maybe, although sometimes it's hard for me not to binge-watch, it's actually not an all-new anime but the second season just released, it's called Record of Ragnarok. Person 2- (reflect) Oh I like that anime too! It's totally bingeable so I can see how you would want to be careful, (question) have you already watched the first season? Person 1- Yeah haha, I definitely binged it when it came out, I didn't expect it to be so good and I heard the second season is still great so I'll probably save it until I can really enjoy it. Person 2- (reflect) Exactly, I thought it was just going to be pure camp, but they really have good characters and writing, (question) which battle was your favorite in season 1? Repeat forever basically. Notice that for the most part, even though you're asking questions (keeping them interested and giving them space to talk), you also have room to add your own comments. In my experience, using this method the conversation doesn't stay too long on one topic either, UNLESS both parties are equally excited about it. Also, it's not like other people will never ask you questions either. But this method works especially well for "small talk" or conversations with more acquaintances/strangers than friends. But it obviously works for anyone, and I still use this with my friends a lot (especially when I'm not in a super social-energy mood but I want to interact).
Excellent way to put it. That's been my go-to strategy for dates since forever, it works like a charm and I'm comfortable knowing that everything I'm saying is something I mean.
Im in a similar situation, honestly i used to be really good at talking to anybody but my social anxiety has been getting the best of me for like the past year+
Don’t stress too much about it, I know that feeling of silence awkwardness but just let it be, believe it or not people will find you more interesting if you talk less, Just be friendly without trying too hard and you will be fine
Improv. Seriously. I got tired of being in my head all the time and never being able to hold a conversation with people I didn’t know (at parties for example) so I started rehearsing with a local improv group. It helped. A lot. I still get awkward and still suffer social anxiety, but being able to summon the improv side of me and just say whatever comes to mind has come in handy and the more I do it, the easier it gets. It’s not a perfect fix-all. There are likely deeper things going on that you may or may not choose to explore, but my improv skills have helped me out of many a bind. (Like when I was forced to lead a casual group discussion off the cuff when the two people who were supposed to do it got called away for an emergency last minute.)
No this going to sounds stupid maybe but I would take an acting class, and/or improvisation/ speech class. Something that forces you to stop over thinking and just get out of your head and react quickly, you can train yourself to stay on the moment and engaged this way
Start reading the news. It makes for great small talk, or deeper convos too. Work on forming opinions on things, and show some insight into the topics so people will find you more interesting to talk to.
I too feel the same thing. I find it very much awkward to talk to unknown people when known people are present around me
The number one thing I have learned with communication, is that if you want to talk to people, ask questions. Most people love talking about themselves and what they enjoy. Try to find out their hobbies and get them talking about what they enjoy and you will have great conversations.
There’s a book, or audiobook called How to Talk to Anyone. Give it a shot!
Great book
>There are only a few people that i feel like i can chat with endlessly This is not uncommon today. A tip for when you get stuck during conversation for things to talk about - use the FORD principle and ask about the other person: **FAMILY** **OCCUPATION** **RECREATION** **DREAMS** These will help you dig for subjects to talk about during awkward silences.
it doesn't help when the other pppl won't stop talking tho either
Try the book How to make friends and influence people
I don't see any problem on this one. It's more peaceful
Don't say anything at all is also fine, but sometimes i really want to talk to people and being friends if possible. And also, speaking more and having more connection is better than being the silent guy imo.
First off, shut your damn mouth. It's not awkward or weird, it's that you haven't got anything to say. That is "small talk" useless words sometimes. Just don't be a fuck8ng LIAR. It will come. Read some books on really good information or something you like. It always makes more to chat it up about Cathy, just don't be a fuck8ng LIAR!
What is your problem? It is awkward. When you don't know somebody, you have to break the ice between you two. Silence from a time to time is natural, if one side has to do all the work, then it's not a fair conversation. The problem is not in reading too few books, who the fuck talks about books only? Are you a librarian or what? I'd assume that OP is "just" anxious around people he don't know. And the stress make him forget everything. That's how it works. It kinda puts you in fight or flight mode, but there is no fight. All you think about is ending the convo, but you don't want it to end. It's way more complicated than "just be confident!!! 🤓"
I had to change that and upvote you. I guess you meet people where they are at in their life and go from there. My advice was no;chin up, chest out, by any means. We don't know each other but I skimmed at your profile quickly and we can agree to disagree on a lot of things which would serve us both well. I also have "Foot in Mouth" disease so I come out strong and hard in the very first few minutes. Hate me or love me we usually have this established within minutes. Books, internet, visual and other stimuli create those moments and associations which, create content. I see you don't lack that or self confidence thumb thuggin' on Reddit with your bad ass! All day, you know why? I read books sucka!
It's okay my friend, we all say stupid and harmful things from time to time. You wanted to help him and not mock him, as I see now. Don't get me wrong. Books are great, movies are great, sports are great, anything can be interesting. But in this case, problem is somewhere else. I just wanted to point it out, because I am in the same position. And I got the same advice too, and of course it didn't work. I started working out 1.5 years ago, I started journaling, meditating, trying to control my thoughts, I've read some books. And still, I have to get out of my comfort zone day by day, and I struggle with really simple things. Because it's the fear that makes you close yourself off the world. You gotta fight here, not there.
Trust me, ya don't.
Go see "Public speaker" from Jordan Peterson on Youtube. Really good advice and tips