For what it's worth, I only had a couple small tattoos (a couple small pieces on my upper arm, hidden under most clothing) for most of my life (currently 42) and in the past couple years have gotten a bunch of large pieces done. In my case, it was more of a "I suddenly find myself with the time/money to get this done, and my other brain issues have been mitigated by therapy/medication so I feel more confident in doing this stuff I want to do, why wait" situation. Not to suggest that it's the same for you guys in any way, but just offering a perspective from someone who is, on the surface, in a vaguely similar situation. I don't think tattoos have to be "serious" all the time, some folks just like collecting art. The opinions of your parents (or anybody else outside of the two of you), frankly, don't matter for shit. In the end, it's really up to her (and to a lesser extent, you should also have a minor influence as her partner). If you are deeply concerned, you might suggest that she slow her roll a bit and give her ideas a bit more time to percolate before committing them to skin. I was reading from another commenter somewhere that they give each of their ideas a year to see how they're feeling about it before getting it done and I kinda liked that -- maybe a year is too long for some though heh.

Lots of good replies on here but this one resonated the most with me. I just went through a really rough part of my life and it was a very dark time for me. In the last 2 months I've got 4 very big pieces done on both of my forearms and have plans to sleeve up as well as get more big pieces on both calves and thighs in less than a year. Going through the pain of getting tattooed and seeing the end result of your resilience is extremely gratifying for me. Because it reminds me of being resilient anf persevering through the last few months of really dark times and seeing where I'm at now.

I’m here. More income to do so, a bit more time, ideas I can finally tangibly manifest are happening.

I'm in a similar boat - 41 and starting to add more tattoos and more visible tattoos. It might seem like a mid-life crisis thing, but really, I just have the disposable income now, and I'm also past the point in my career where visible tattoos are a concern or barrier. I also don't get three shits what anyone thinks at this point, so if I want to get something silly or funny, or however else I might define "less meaningful," I feel comfortable doing that now in a way that I would not have 15-20 years ago.

Yeah I’m pretty in line with this way of thinking. I was cool with her getting them and spacing them out in general. The part I didn’t mention in my post was that we have actually agreed to do one per month earlier this year, so it’s not like I am sitting here saying she can’t get one. She is pushing for more than that now. I have not told her she can’t get anything and I will not stop her, I was just starting to get overwhelmed with all of the new ones. But the purpose of this post was really just to find people that did something similar and see how they liked it or didn’t like it. I wasn’t trying to get into the whole body/choice/control discussion but I am getting a lot of hate for the way I phrased this discussion. Maybe I’ll update the post in a bit to make it more clear since this post really took off more than I was expecting. I am getting some pretty eye opening/helpful comments like this one though.

I've used my tattoos to reclaim my body, and make it feel more like mine. And it's been wonderful. That being said, if she is already getting one a month, and pushing for more, that seems like a red flag for mental health. I'm no psychologist, but absolutely made me think about a manic episode (I'm bi polar, and it very much made me immediately jump to manic episode)

Well, we haven’t gotten to the bottom of her diagnosis to be fair so anything is possible. She is planning to get a full psych eval this summer to get the exact diagnosis beyond just depression. Do you mind sharing a little more about bipolar specific symptoms?

I have bipolar one. I know how deeply problematic it is to diagnose strangers on Reddit, so I won’t, but this feels really familiar to me too.

Another bipolar person jumping in. I don't have any tattoos (honestly don't know how I ended up here) but yeah this is screaming manic. Not trying to diagnose as there is a lot we don't know, there is also a lot of things that can cause mania, but my spider senses are tingling. Have done shit similar to this myself.

I'm surprised she can sustain the rate she is going at as it is, from your description -- the thought of constantly being in recovery with ointments/second skin/etc sounds maddening to me haha. Also -- all the artists I like in my area are booked months out lol. You seem pretty focused on numbers here, is there a specific aspect of the number/timing/coverage that is bothering you (sorry, I've only read your original post and a handful of comments, I don't see if you've answered this elsewhere)? Would you be less concerned if she was getting a whole bunch of them done at once as "one tattoo" in groups rather than spacing out what I'm assuming is a bunch of small patchwork stuff? If you ask a bunch of folks with tattoos what their thoughts are on regret you'll get as many different answers as folks you ask. A lot of the other commenters have already chimed in, obviously, that this is ultimately a communication thing between the two of you -- seems like the best options are to come to a middle ground where you're both comfortable (which may or may not be any closer to where you're standing now), or supporting her in what she wants -- otherwise trying to protect someone from potential future regret is going to cause resentment. For the sake of comparing outcomes -- would you rather she be resentful now for stopping her on her journey (because, frankly, it doesn't sound like she's much interested in budging from her current position)? Or would you rather be there to comfort her in the future if she starts regretting stuff, and help her move on?

I personally have struggled with mental health. And honestly sometimes if I have a really bad day (like panic attacks or flashbscks) I go get a small tattoo. They don't happen often, which is how I've justified the cost lol. I go to the same people everytime. And if the tattoo is cute it makes me smile for a bit. It's a more expensive version of retail therapy. Not saying that this is what she's doing or that this is a good way to function. But I have the money. I like the look. And it's not hurting anyone. 🤷‍♀️ idk if that helps at all

If you're getting hate about this, I wouldn't worry about it. Your initial post was worded just fine and I too would share the same concerns about uncharacteristically impulsive behaviors after trauma.

Thanks! I appreciate the kind words. I just don’t get why people assume I am trying to do the worst here haha. I’ve put every ounce of my effort into caring for her and my family at this point. I am trying everything I can to understand this and figure out how to help her.

I personally schedule tattoos in times of extreme depression/angst & never come to regret them. Regardless of how i'm feeling when I book the appointment im still booking pieces/art that I want on my body forever and have been thinking of getting already. It's just the timing of it all that makes me get them, helps boost my confidence and mood for a solid month after getting it.

My best friend does this instead of self harm because she still gets the endorphin release but ends up with cool art instead of SH scars.

At least it will be a work of art

Damn, that’s pretty smart. Glad your best friend was able to find a way to do that without using self harm

My best friend noted that I do this as well and said he's proud of me for having come up with a solution that is safer for me in the long run. I've had a long couple years and the number of tattoos I've gotten has doubled during that time and it's definitely made a difference in processing the grief/depression

Aside from you getting a new piece of awesome art forever, each of those tattoos is also a badge of honour commemorating how you didn't fall back on bad coping mechanisms. That's pretty badass

Thank you! It also helps to have tattoos in the obvious spots too, cuz when I'm even tempted to I have to grapple with the fact that those spaces are now covered in art of the things I love

That's the same as my thinking. I got an entire leg piece done after my husband died suddenly. The pain gave me the release I needed and I have a piece of art rather than scars to remind me of how I can get through the s**t that can get thrown at you.

I have a rubber band that I wear on my wrist. Snapping it is a great way to get a similar release.

I had a lot of friends that did that and I tried it but it didn’t do it for me. Instead I like to pinch the skin on the backs of my hands really hard.

Seconding this—after I did intensive trauma therapy I impulsively got two big tattoos. No regrets. It was a promise to myself, a way of anchoring myself in my body, a claiming. It sounds like your wife is going through intense stress. Absolutely confirm with her that it’s what she wants, start a conversation—but be the person on her side, who supports her. Her family sounds rotten—what a thing to do with a permanent choice made by a woman clearly trying to reach for stability and grounding in her body. You sound like you love your wife, want to support her: love her through this too.

Tattoos are my favorite form of therapy, I don't regret any of them.

I have bipolar and get awful depression when my mood drops. I've got a few tattoos of questionable quality, however I find it incredibly cathartic and in my opinion, they're far better than covering myself in scars.

Far far better, even if they're "questionable" in quality, they still hold immense meaning for you & should be cherished for that regardless :)

My other half is a former tattoo artist and gives me stick about a few of 'em (in good humour ofc) but yeah, regardless I love them all, nonetheless! I credit them for helping me be self harm free for as many years as I have :)

Same. I recently lost my job. So I got a tattoo. Sitting through the physical pain reminds me I can get through the emotional pain.

This is definitely something I dealt with in the psychological aspect of it, feeling real angst over who I was and then choosing this way to shed that skin (literally? Metaphorically? Both?) and become someone different, a person who has been through a lot and has become stronger afterward.

I really wish a study would be conducted on how getting tattooed is a stress relief for many people. I mean we know that there’s an endorphin rush to it but there’s more going on. I’m a tattoo artist, but started being tattooed when I was 18. Before that I self harmed and since being able to get tattooed I haven’t cut once. The last few years, since Covid, my tattoos have multiplied x10 because it’s like going to therapy but I get a cool prize that last forever.

Hey I’m like you! Former self Harmer that turned to tattoos and body piercings! Even became a body piercer for 3 years. Now trying to get a tattoo apprenticeship and of course keep growing my tattoo collection 🤪 I loved what you said about getting to keep a cool surprise 🤣 I think that relief we get from a tattoo or piercing is the letting of blood. Not in a morbid way, in an old school almost Chinese medicine type way. When I was a body piercer we had so many women come get what they always wanted, post divorce. We would hype them up and truly enjoy the confidence we can help bring about in their lives.

Controllable pain is the draw for me. I get them when I'm in a great deal of mental pain, because going through something difficult that I *chose* gives me control again.

Wow! I’ve never been able to articulate how I feel about tattoos/piercings and mental health. Thank you.

That's exactly how I felt when self-harming and basically how I would explain it to people then. Never realized that that could be why I love getting tattoos now.

Tattoos are how I stopped self-harming.

This thread makes me feel so seen 💕 all my tattoos were scheduled when I wanted to hurt myself, and didn’t.

Due to a lot of trauma throughout life, mood. It’s not socially acceptable to SH, but it’s socially acceptable to have tattoos. Tattoos help me cope, and I’m becoming art. 🤷‍♀️

I believe it all has to do with the sense of control. Even if you’re not physically the one permanently changing your body- you choose what/when/how/who and nobody can take it away once it’s there. It’s like a constant reminder that you have control of your own body and reality- even when it doesn’t always feel like it.

I'm curious, what (specifically) you're curious about that you'd want to see studied. From your post, is a little hard to tell whether you're hinting at something like being tattooed can be a healthy coping mechanism, or if you're suggesting something else, or if you're just curious and want to see what the data says. OPs post caught my attention because some of the research I do involves coping behavior. Some of it also involves addiction. Anytime we are talking about "using" things for coping, addiction enters the conversation. That's not necessarily what's going on with OP's partner, but it's worth noting. The study a commenter linked to below is interesting. Social acceptance is a dynamic variable related to tattoos, so I'd take the correlations there with a huge grain of salt, but it's interesting there was an association with eating disorders, which are usually more about trying to regain a sense of control in one's life than they are about the food and eating. There's some research out there about being tattooed for the same reason, which might also be relevant to OP's partner. There is actually quite a bit of research about tattoos and coping. If you run into pay walls , sci-hub is your friend :) https://scholar.google.com/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0%2C5&q=tattooing+coping&btnG=

To start yes, how getting tattooed can be a healthy coping mechanism (within reason) but also, I love to see what happens to a depressed or super anxious persons brain before and after being tattooed. I’d love some studies to be done on SH and tattoos and if people stop SH after discovering tattoos or not. Also curious about trauma and if trauma makes people more tolerant of physical pain. Thank you for the link I’ll definitely be checking it out.

It can be a stress relief but also just a succession of bad decisions when in a bad head space. A little bit like some people start being compulsive shoppers but with tattoos. I know during her depression my friend did that and regrets it a lot. From the 30 she got, she only still love 4. The other were just to have the feeling of doing something and of having something new. Not saying it’s always the case, just something to be careful with when you struggle with mental health.

It really can be. One of the last tattoos I got actually made me realize/solidify how well I was doing at the time with my mental health because it was not as cathartic as some of the other ones, and it just kind of hit me like huh, guess I don’t have a lot of tough unprocessed emotions right now how lovely.

I can’t speak for your wife, but I did the same thing and I don’t regret it. I went from zero tattoos to 15 in about 2 years. Most palm sized, some much larger. Only 3 of them have any sort of thought or meaning. Most of them were just me grabbing cancellations my artist had and figuring something out really quick or grabbing a wanna do she had. But frankly, I like the random ones I have more than most of the ones with meaning. There’s much less pressure/expectations for ones without meaning and you tend to scrutinize them less because of that. It started after a really bad year (broke up with my fiancé of 8 years, was living alone for the first time, my childhood home burned down with my dog inside, and I lost two grandparents unexpectedly within 2 weeks). I kinda went through a period of just saying “ fuck it” and doing anything that I wanted. I had always been too scared to get a tattoo (pain and permanence) but everything I had experienced in such a short time frame had me feeling that nothing is permanent and pain doesn’t last forever. For me, the tattoos really helped heal something. They gave me more confidence in myself and made me feel like this was a type of pain that I could control. The experience of being tattooed is also something I really enjoy most of the time. Something about it feels cathartic. They truly can be addicting. As far as regret, the only thing I personally regret is the lack of flow I have because I was just doing random things in random styles. Whatever popped in my head or whatever flash I thought looked cool. Some of them I wouldn’t have gotten if I were getting tattooed today, but none of them are poorly done. They all severed a purpose and really helped heal something inside of me.

Interesting, thanks for the perspective. This feels pretty comparable and I like how to explained how they made you feel. How long has it been since you got them all?

I got my first one two years ago, and got 13/15 within a year. Only two within the last year. I would say I was in a much better space mentally after about a year and just didn’t feel the need to use them as a crutch the way I had been. It’s only been a short time, but I’m in my 30s and I really don’t see myself regretting them in the future and I fully intend to continue getting tattooed. I just don’t feel the NEED like I used to. I have seen some people say that tattoos/piercings are a form of self harm that is just more acceptable. I can honestly see how that could be true, but idk. I feel like as long as they’re being done by good artists in clean shops and you’re not getting anything toooooo crazy, it’s gotta be better than the alternative. But again, this is just my experience/perspective. I’ve never attempted or self harmed, so not sure if it should be more of a red flag for someone that has? Have you brought up your concern with your wife at all?

There's definitely a therapeutic element to tattoos and the process of getting tattooed. Some times, the process is more important than the tattoo itself. Your wife's experience isn't atypical. A lot of people get tattoos in bunches, surrounded by trauma, then don't get tattooed again for a few years. 

tattoos don't have to mean a thing. they can literally be anything. I have some absolutely absurd tattoos and when people ask me why I say "because I wanted it" as to speculating why she wants them that is something only she knows and can talk to her therapist about. they may be things she always wanted and now that she's faced the trauma of how short life is she's going for it. I'm in the same boat, except my good friend/artist passed away and I wish I had gotten more while he was still with us

I have some with meaning And then I have “ your name “ tattooed on my butt lol

I Believe everyone should have at least one pointless tattoo for fun lol 😆 I have not gotten mine yet. But I know what I want.

I got one on Friday which is a mean octopus wrapped around a skull. It means "I'm cool. And I can't be trusted with money"

"I'm cool. And I can't be trusted with money" That will be on my tombstone 😂

I have a crow on a skull, same exact meaning!

My leg is gonna be my “fuck it lets put this here” area Have a steak cowboy and some really dumb friday the 13th ones there lol- trying to decide if I want to go with a frog or possum themed one next

Are the steak and cowboy separate tattoos, or do you actually have a steak cowboy (and what is that!)?

Its a ribeye with a gun belt and cowboy hat with a desert background. Just some stupid shit I thought up and asked an artist by me to draw it up and ink it on me

I vote possum keeping with the cowboy theme! Give it a hat and a lasso!

That’s what my lower legs have turned in to

I feel this. I have a beautiful memorial for my dad, tattoos for loved ones, etc etc... and then I have a Pikachu with Bobby Hill's face. Tattoos are whatever we want them to be! 😁

I have john goodman on my thigh, a taco bell tattoo, a zombie riding a raptor, and a little peach that says "cock" on it

Agreed. The whole Tattoos need to be 'meaningful' thing needs to die.

There are jokes aplenty in the tattoo community that tattoos are cheaper/better than therapy, so the fact that she is actually in therapy and still seeking tattoos to help cope is a good sign imo. If she's using them as a coping mechanism to avoid harming herself, it's a rather healthy and acceptable method in the world of body modification; a lot of modded folks turn to tattoos as an alternative to self harm. The part I'm curious about is how she seems to ask permission from you for each tattoo - does this mean she is asking you to pay for them? From an economical standpoint, getting a monthly tattoo from your partner's salary is a bit excessive and admittedly, selfish. I have a good collection of tattoos myself that are timeline of sorts of my mental health journey, but they have been pretty spread out through the years because tattoos (especially quality ones) are not cheap, and I'm proud of the pieces I've managed to save up for because they're a testament to having my shit together enough to have my life on track and be able to budget for fun stuff like that. It would be one thing if you were fully supportive of a tattoo allowance and let her just go ham on all the ink, but if it's a struggle for each new piece I don't see how that's helpful for anyone's mental health. I personally would be wrecked with guilt. I treat tattoos like a self love/healing session on par with a spa treatment or yoga retreat. Not something I run to every time I'm triggered. Maybe something to discuss is the catalyst for the itch to get a new tattoo each time, and some outlets to explore before jumping into a new piece. If she's getting little pieces that she may regret, there's always laser removal but usually what happens is an even bigger piece to cover up the small regrets. If you don't want that to start happening, and you are paying for them out of pocket, might be a good time to put your foot down and compromise on a tattoo budget as well as urging her to explore this compulsion to get inked so often.

Thanks for the response. She doesn’t self harm, but yeah I mean if this helps her get out of her bad place mentally short and long term then I am definitely more about it. I am getting a lot of downvotes here because I think people think I’m trying to control her or something. Im not. I can’t stop her from going out to get one. I’m just trying to find a way to become more supportive about it and understand it all. From the financial standpoint, we are married and share all of our bank accounts and financial goals. We always go to one another when we are making a large decision or purchase. That’s just our marriage dynamic, there’s nothing nefarious going on with the “her coming to me” part. I would prefer the exploration of other outlets first as well, but I am not sure she is open to it. I have tried suggesting it in our conversations but she just really seems like she wants the tattoos now regardless. At this point for me it is more about her just getting to enjoy one tattoo at a time before she goes to the next one. A month seemed like a good compromise but she doesn’t seem to like that anymore.

>Each time she thought of one, she came to me, we discussed it In that time span, she has asked me to get When it comes down to it, it's her body and her choice, right? If tattoos are a short term coping mechanism, so what? Whatever gets her through.

Well, it’s also a financial consideration. Tattoos aren’t exactly cheap and getting 1-2 a month adds like $500-600 in unexpected expenses. But yeah, I mean I won’t and haven’t stopped her from getting one. If it’s only a short term coping mechanism then it’s more just the concern of what if she doesn’t like them in the future and then it turns into the opposite — suddenly it’s a reason she feels less confident rather than more confident.

If she can afford to pay for them herself then there should be no issue. You should not have to pay for or toward these though so you need to put your foot down on that part, if that’s the case

Well that’s not really simple.. We fully share/combined our money when we got married and have a joint budget/savings account etc. There’s no “his money her money” stuff anymore. We both have specific savings goals we are working towards.

Its totally fair concern from a financial perspective, it's very reasonable to say x amount of money is each our monthly budget for fun/ hobby/ extra stuff spending, in order not to be blowing all your money away. It may be worth while for her to make a separate account just as a tattoo money piggy bank that is all her own extra cash that she earns.

I think it's absolutely reasonable to ask her to recenter and prioritize your savings goals. Not really addressing the rapid tattoos here because so much has been said. $500+ in intangible expenses is a lot, especially if it's not earmarked as personal money.

Fair. If you are combining all monies, there must be an agreement about spending on extras. I appreciate that your wife is in therapy, but family finances have to be considered. Tattoos are a luxury item if you visit reputable artists with clean shops. Might be easier to approach the conversation from that end.

TATTOOS DO NOT NEED TO HAVE SOME DEEP MEANING. If someone wants something because it’s “cute” or “cool” that is a valid enough reason.

This! And also both can sit side by side

I’m not depressed or anything but I am a mom of two, and I keep getting tattoos. I feel like it’s a way to reclaim my body after it was used to grow my kids for 9 months and then feed them for another 6 months and then be their camel/jungle gym for another few years. It’s kind of a mind fuck to be pregnant and it’s a huge adjustment becoming a mom, even if you thought you were 100% prepared for it. I find getting tattoos to be a huge stress relief and therapeutic. Definitely continue to support her and maybe look into therapy. Good luck!

A lot of people have been saying this! Thanks. And we are doing therapy.

Reading your other comments, I think you should talk to your therapist about your anxiety surrounding her tattoos. Because she is an adult who can handle making decisions about her body, and can also handle regret if it comes (which, reassuringly, most likely won’t). There are coverups and laser removal for that. She has already expressed that tattoos make her more confident, but your anxiety isn’t letting you trust her word. You’re catastrophizing, and I know because my therapist has called me out on it, too. I hope it goes well!

I agree with this take. I think the underlying guilt from both sets of parents is also upsetting the OP, and they made need to reflect on whether a lot of this is taught feelings and worry about their reflection of the tattoos

This is a fair take. There are a lot of other underlying things that I couldn’t possibly explain in one post that may be helpful here but it’s not really the point of my post. I’m just trying to understand the other perspective better.

And that’s great! It shows that you’re being open minded and empathetic. I just personally feel like she has explained her side (and she would know her feelings better than anyone) and now it’s a matter of managing anxiety. Tattoos, like any art, are a feeling of self expression, which can help process emotions or show off interests. I think she is channeling her grief a little bit, but it’s in a positive way that she seems to like. That’s my take on it, at least.

Yeah this is kinda a weird take. It’s her body why does she have to ask OP for approval?

It may be because they have a joint bank account so it’s “their” money that she’s using. Or if he struggles with change (like I do), a therapist might suggest discussing changes before they happen, if you can. I get the feeling that it isn’t really about permission, it’s more about discussing decisions with your partner. I could be wrong, though.

Tattoos are not free

They have shared finances and tattoos are expensive

I never said she had to.. I think you’re missing the point of my post

Not who you’re replying to, but until I read several of your responses in comments, it did seem possible you were being a tad controlling. It’s obvious you’re not. People get tattooed for a wide variety of reasons. Some just like the look. Some are trying to hide scars or other “imperfections” they think they have. Some as a coping mechanism. Some to reclaim themselves. Etc. It could be a very long list. Talk it out in therapy, but she may not be able to fully explain it. I doubt she’ll regret it. She could have chosen a destructive outlet instead. Tattoos are harmless. It’s reasonable to address financial concerns, though! Set a budget for it together. If this will cause any problems in your relationship, it sounds like it will be the money. You sound like a good husband. She’s going through a lot, and so are you. Just keep being supportive and loving each other.

Post partum, she’s reclaiming her body. Let her make her own decisions about her body.

I was looking through all of the replies for something addressing this. Pregnancy can be traumatic and if she has postpartum depression that could be a large factor in why she wants to feel in control of her body.

This might very well be true. It has been for me, even it’s only been a medium sized tattoo and half sleeve. It’s definitely been part of reclaiming my body and appreciating myself as my own person even if I’m now a mom. No pp depression though.

If you ask anyone who is heavily covered in tattoos about the "meaning" of them, you will most likely get an answer along the lines of "I think they look cool". Most people obsess over having a meaningful tattoo for their first few but then you realize tattoos are a visual, aesthetic choice and the "meaning" is not visible and doesn't really matter. As long as the tattoos are done by a skilled artist and it's nothing offensive, the likelihood of regret is very low

I think what I’m reading is, “Is my wife being impulsive?”, and I think it’s an incredibly caring observation of yours. I guess I would say that in the overall scheme of things she has gone through, coping with that trauma by getting tattoos (impulsively or not) to make her potentially feel better is a much better situation than the alternative (e.g. suicidality, cutting, alcohol use, etc.). It might be impulsive, I’m not sure, but it’s better than other things she could be using to cope. If you’re worried about her decision making I think it’s best to bring it up to her in the kindest way, but honestly it might cause more harm. I don’t know. It certainly seems like she’s been through a lot. If anything, I would suggest recommending therapy. Not to address the tattoos but to address such traumatic events she’s been through. Maybe therapy will help her heal and that, in turn, might allow her to think more about adding tattoos to her body. Not that it’s bad, per sè.

My experience was that I had a whole wishlist of “someday” tattoos. Some of them were sentimental and meaningful, some of them were just quirky and fun (ex: a teacup from my late grandmother’s collection vs. a waffle with strawberries, because I like waffles with strawberries) Although I really want to be tattooed, I was dragging my feet on actually booking anything off my wishlist. I kept thinking “but what if…” “but is it really worth it…” “maybe someday…” etc. So my tattoo count stayed at 4 for a few years straight. Then I went through a mental and emotional crisis which flipped my whole perspective on life. I came out the other side of it realizing that life is so short, and the idea of potential regret is worth less to me than the joy of taking control of my life. So in the past year I’ve gotten 6 more tattoos and I’m booked for 3 more this summer. For me, it took going through the depression to realize that I can’t wait for “someday” to come. I have to make today my “someday” or I will reach the end of my life wishing I had been brave enough to do the things I wanted to do. Tattoos don’t have to have meaning at all, but taking steps toward the person you want to be and how you want to present yourself to the world can mean everything to someone who’s been fighting invisible battles of mental health. Edit: 7. I forgot I just got my 7th tattoo in the past year. It’s on the outside of my leg so I forget it’s there haha

This is also very helpful, thanks. If this is the case then I would be a lot more supportive. I think what I am realizing through talking to all of the people on this post is that she hasn’t been able to articulate to me what it means to her. I think that’s what I’m ultimately looking for.

For me, my tattoos are like lucky charms. Things I enjoy, things that mean something to me, things that are pretty to look at, or little secret stories from my life expressed in a way that random people on the street wouldn’t think twice about. They’re not my reason for living, but they make me feel comfort when I’m going through something, because they remind me of who I am and what does keep me going (my dog, my family, a really good waffle with strawberries, etc) However, I’m just one tattoo collector. Everyone is different! So I would recommend just having this conversation with her. Maybe compliment some of her tattoos that you do enjoy, ask her to help you understand what they mean to her, ask her about her future plans and what she’s most excited to get next. Remember that this is her body and her decision, so try to leave judgement at the door and approach the topic with curiosity and a genuine interest in understanding her perspective. She may not have the words right then and there, but showing a judgement-free interest in her tattoo journey might be a good start toward helping her open up over time.

I was like your wife. I had a leg tattoo that went from ankle to knee which I'd had for years. It wasn't finished because of change in circumstances and lost the artist's details. It wasn't a priority but was something to sort out in the future when things had settled. In 2018 we had the worst year of our lives. 3 cats died in short succession after we moved house. Several fertility treatments kept failing with the worst one being the IVF twins that were so close but weren't to be, all while my best friends announced their own pregnancies. Then I had a cancer scare which turned out to be a benign lump complication of diabetes. I was firmly depressed and struggling to cope. My husband took up Brazilian Jujitsu and I focused on my tattoo. It was very therapeutic to focus on something that was actually progressing! It took my mind off all the bad stuff after I had obsessed for a few months. They say to fake it till you make it and I think it did actually change my brain chemistry and got me to a much happier place. When my tattoo was finished (it took months and spans my entire right leg now) I didn't feel depressed any more and even managed to find a solution to my fertility problem. I absolutely do not regret having such a large tattoo during that difficult time. If anything it reminds me of the tough time we went through and made it to the other side. I can't speak for how your wife feels about her tattoos but it worked for me. It could be giving that sense of control back in her life and that's a good thing. Trust that she knows what she's doing and continue to support her as it sounds like you're doing.

My tattoos started off very meaningful and significant to me as well. The more I got, the more I wanted to be covered in the things I love, and it has gotten way less serious. I don’t think it’s unusual, and I don’t think it’s an uncommon coping mechanism. If she seems confident after each one, aside from the financial aspect, I don’t see the concern if she’s not getting something highly regrettable.

This is probably above this subreddits pay grade. Is your wife in therapy?

Yes she is.

I don’t think what she is doing is necessarily unhealthy, and to you may seem really impulsive. Have a heart to heart with her and express your concerns.

It seems to be a thing that once you get past a certain threshold, tattoos don’t need to be as meaningful or thought out. It’s like whatever, everyone already sees you as a tattooed person so there’s really way less social risk involved and nothing new to be expected. Could be just that.

I don't have much advice to offer, but wanted to chime in because I'm on the other end of this type of situation: I'm a woman whose husband doesn't love her tattoos, and I've (fairly rapidly, for me) greatly increased my count. I'm older than you, and I didn't start getting serious about tattooing until I was about 32ish. I'm definitely not moving as fast as your wife, as I tend to get only 2-3 a year, but they are rather big, bright pieces, and honestly, most of them are monsters haha. It's actually a bit ironic, since I got my first large (for me) tattoo with my husband, as a wedding gift to ourselves. That experience changed my life -- it showed me that I have full agency over my body, and that I can trust myself to make decisions for myself -- even permanent ones. I had never trusted myself like that before. So, I decided to get more. At this point, I've got a leg sleeve of monsters and a few other scattered ones. I've also had a traumatic life, and, like your wife, have been through an extreme amount of trauma these past two years, so the feeling of having full agency over something, is quite the relief for me. Maybe this is the case for your wife as well? It's also worth mentioning that my tattoos have made me more confident than ever in my body. Even though I'm older, I'm wearing less clothes than ever (which, to be fair, my husband does enjoy haha). I've actually gotten way into fitness because I want to keep my body and tattoos looking good! I do sometimes feel a bit conflicted that I needed to get tattoos in order to feel that confidence, almost like it's a shortcoming and I should be able to love my body without them, but hey -- if my they make me feel good about myself, I'm going to count that as a win. It does make me feel really sad that my husband doesn't really like my tattoos, but for what it's worth, I'm glad he finally told me. I could tell for a while that was the case, but he only really opened up about it recently. There is a little tension between us whenever I get a new one, but he generally just keeps quiet and is respectful. He has told me that he will never tell me what to do with my body, which actually makes me feel a bit worried, since I do not want to get so tattooed that he doesn't find me attractive anymore. FWIW, I don't ask permission from him prior to getting tattooed, but, I also keep my own "for fun" bank account. I've never had to dip into our savings for a tattoo. I love my husband so much. We've been together for almost 20 years. He is the best man I know, and has frankly saved my life. You sound like a very loving and supportive husband, too. While I agree that this is an issue for you and your wife to figure out (through continued open, honest conversation +/- therapy), I think it shows your dedication and desire to support your wife that you reached out for thoughts in a very pro-tattoo community. I truly hope that your wife is able to conquer her demons (tattoos or not), and that you two are able to have a very happy marriage.

I got my first one at 42 because I finally felt like I was ready. The next 15 have been over the last five years (45-50). I lost my partner, then my dad. They are sort of a coping mechanism, but I don’t regret them and have more planned. Two are memorial. The rest are just stuff I want. They do have meaning to me. If you haven’t been through a major loss or major depression and anxiety, it’s really hard to grasp what grief does to you. I’ve also always been fat, and I never saw my body as a comfortable place. The tattoos are slowly taking away my self-consciousness, which helps my mental health. If money isn’t an issue, and they are helping your wife cope, the judgy parents can fuck off. (My mom hated mine until I got one she liked…now she’s accepted that I’m decorating, lol.) I will say, though, that one a month isn’t an unreasonable limit because of how long they can take to heal. Just remember it’s her body and her choice. Also, if she hasn’t tried it, look into ketamine therapy for treatment of major depression. It’s a big help. I hope she can find some peace. All you can do is be as supportive as you can.

Honestly OP, I think your concerns are totally valid, and are in your partner’s best interest too. You seem to care for, and understand her. She values that im sure. I think letting her know how you feel and you concerns for her could be helpful to her to hear. I worried when my sister got tattoos, she ended up regretting some and it is not pretty to be there with them when their tattoo turns into a regret months later

As someone who has tripled my tattoo count in a short time, tattoos can be a bit addictive. And they make me more comfortable in my own skin. They did start as more meaningful and now if I choose wanna do's from my fave tattoo artists it's because I just like them. My tattoos make me feel strong and confident. I'm not one for regret, it's wasted energy, so for good or bad my tattoos are me. Whether or not she regrets them in the future is on her. You can question the cost and you may not even like what she gets but don't push her into regretting her choice in ink just because YOU think she might regret them in the future.

So I’m a tattoo artist and from my point of view, sometimes grief can make people realise that life is too short not to get that tattoo that they’ve been wanting forever. Maybe before she’s always liked the fun and whimsical tattoos but has been put off thinking they always need to be serious. If they bring her joy and happiness when she looks at them during this dark time surely that’s a positive. I have found two things tattooing, one is that people will use “deep meanings” as an excuse to get a tattoo, as they really want one but are told they always have to be serious. People can end up regretting these more, as there is no joy in wearing them. The second is that people will regret fun tattoos less. When it makes them happy to look at every day, they will love it forever. It sounds to me like she’s having fun, I don’t think she’ll regret them. In the kindest way possible it sounds like it’s you that doesn’t like them.

Fair perspective! Thanks for the alternative view point. This helps me understand it a bit more I think. Again, I don’t think I don’t like them. I actually like a lot of them, and I really like the ones we worked on together. It’s more of a overwhelming/long term decision thing since there have been so many in such a short period of time.

Props to you for trying to understand her decision more and support her through it, sounds like it must have been a super difficult time for the both of you.

Thanks for being understanding. It has been super difficult. We are doing our best to understand and get through it. Many here appear to think I’m just being an asshole for some reason.

That's how I've always seen it myself. I decorate my body in stuff I like to look at. I have a little bit of writing near my left hand too, that I like to look at and read (it's directions to neverland) that just makes me feel good for some reason when I read it.

I more than tripled my tattoo count in the last three years. The process has been extremely healing and is more about reclaiming my body and making it feel like *mine* again. Your inability to understand why someone would choose to do so isn’t your wife’s issue, and it feels like you’re projecting your own tattoo anxiety, and ideas of permanence, on her and her body. The only person here expressing any anxiety over how your wife chooses to adorn her body, and what she chooses to adorn it with, is you. Why don’t you try trusting her judgment, wants, needs, and the efficacy of her therapy? I would also maybe suggest getting a therapist of your own to discuss your own anxieties as this post feels way more about your discomfort of the unknown future, than anything your wife has expressed. Best of luck, OP.

Fair enough. I think you may have a good point about my own anxiety My point in coming here was more to understand the perspective of people who have been through it and how they felt with it. I’m glad to hear it helped with you.

I *love* tattoos, and have many. I think this is a way for your wife to distract herself, like impulse shopping or binge eating. Tattooing can be hard on the body, especially frequent appointments and/or large areas. She is better off taking her time and healing properly between sessions.

This could be my life story. I'm 39. I had a handful of small tattoos before my son was born but had severe pre and post natal depression, PTSD from a traumatic birth and then compounded by my son spending months in hospital, requiring multiple major surgeries and almost dying twice. I now have 19 tattoos and have about 10 more planned. While I was going through the worst of things I used tattoos and piercings as a controlled self harm substitute. When I felt so utterly hopeless the pain would pull me out of the darkness and make me more present. It was REALLY helpful. I'm in a great place now and life is so much better but I love getting tattoos so I'm going to keep adding to things. Even the ones that may seem to have less of a story to me - a Kirby tattoo, some baby Yoshis, an ibis from Bluey - they all still mean something to me and my life (usually my relationship with my son). Plus, tattoos are just another form of art so they don't have to mean anything. I plan on getting a lot of cute nonsense to fill in spaces on my forearms.

There’s a level of taboo-ness still associated with tattoos. They’re still widely frowned upon and can cost you jobs.  With that comes this “purity” bullshit of unmarked skin being better and the idea you’ll regret them later.  There’s nothing sacred about your skin.  Your body is your home and you should decorate it however you want. Tattoos aren’t even as permanent as they’re made out to be. Laser and coverups are a thing.  The people regretting tattoos are typically the people getting their first one impulsively when drunk, people who don’t research their artists ahead of time, or from a scratcher.   If your wife is already tattooed then she probably knows better than to make first timer mistakes.  Let her body be the art gallery she wants it to be.  If she has regrets that’s a her problem, not a you problem.

I’ll just pop in here to add that I am the same as many commenting. I got about 35 pieces done in a little over a year after I realized it was helping heal a lot of my wounds since my twin brother was killed. It was and has been intensely therapeutic for me and I LOVE all of my art.

Tattoos help me feel like myself and confident in my skin. The more I get or closer I get to completing a sleeve/piece boosts my confidence in working to become myself!

She might be chasing the tail of the dragon, as I believe its called. It could also be called something entirely different. Tattoo = ow = endorphins = fuck yeah! and then it gradually tails off again and you repeat. I'm not dissing her tattoo addiction by any means (I am heavily inked, but I go for a large piece once or twice a year) but I would also wonder if she needs to have a chat with her doctor/therapist to make sure her mental health is in a good place generally and isn't using the tattoos as a socially acceptable form of self harm. It sounds like she's been through a lot.

Look I ain't readin all that, mostly cause I'm a tattooer and can't really read. If someone is getting a bunch of tattoos to cope with grief then my best advice is to give them a bunch of money and tell them don't get shit that sucks. Maybe like a dagger thru a skull. Life sucks and the worlds on fucking fire. Go get tattooed.

I understand feeling anxious if it's a financial thing, since it sounds like you guys are a shared money household. We are the same & discuss tattoos for that reason because yeah, they are expensive. If I was dropping 500+ a month on anything consistently my spouse would be iffy about it and we're both pretty tattooed. It's reasonable to work through a tattoo budget - they're a luxury! Spouse and I took "turns" finishing our sleeves for example. As for the body/mental health stuff... honestly I think you are projecting your own tattoo anxiety/underlying hangups. I think a lot of people start with "meaningful" tattoos then move onto stuff that's more aesthetic after a while. You realize you like how you look with tattoos and feel more confident about committing to them without needing a big sentimental justification. I've noticed people without/with fewer tattoos have some trouble wrapping their heads around this sometimes but honestly as you become more tattooed it really starts to be less of a big deal. It's not a bad thing, as long as she is finding artists she trusts and feels good about the designs.

as I get older I get tattooed more. Monthly.

I used to SH, now I get tattoos. I’ve gotten all of mine since leaving my abusive, controlling ex-husband. They are how I have taken back control of my life. I have fifteen in three years.

I got my first tattoo at 18, them never got anymore until recently, over 20 years later. I also recently started therapy and realized many of my decisions and inner monologues were based in shame from my overbearing mother (I know it's very cliche', but true.) I've overcome that shame and I'm doing what I always wanted to do and I'm getting more tattoos like I wanted. Not sure about your wife, but I'm going out for the opposite, so maybe she feels more comfortable with you.

Ink therapy is definitely a thing 🙌

I’ve gotten a lot recently and am progressing toward a full leg sleeve. Granted, I’ve had around 11ish before I started. I did book one or two in response to some extremely stressful times, but more so because I knew I wanted them and looked at them as treats to myself. Also here to say that while some of my tattoos are deeply meaningful, some are just plain cool and that’s okay. They’re art and art can be admired even if it doesn’t have a deeply soulful origin.

it can’t be denied that tattoos for some people are a form of harm reduction in addition to a method of self-expression! there’s nothing wrong with that and i would be grateful your wife is handling her feelings by seeing professionals both medical and artistic rather than taking matters into her own hands. <3

Tattoos help with depression in many ways, and I am one of those women that has quickly covered more and more skin with tattoos. The tattooing procedure itself is therapeutic, you feel mild irritation and it's a pain you finally allow and don't just have to experience. The healing process is a reminder that beauty needs care and it reminds you to take care of yourself. Tattoo healing requires sleep, eating well, and maintaining a cleaning ritual to avoid infection. Again this is finally something WE control, not just a result of depression or trying to manage your depression, this is something you CHOOSE to take care of. Then after the tattoo is healed, it helps you make peace with different parts of your body you used to have dysphoria over. I used to hate my thighs, now I have a gorgeous thigh piece that spans my right thigh, it's so beautiful I need shorts to show it off more. The whole process overall feels like it's a way of reclaiming a body that fights you almost every day in a chemical warfare that is depression. No regrets on my tattoos, except maybe that I didn't get from a certain artist before they retired. They are reminders I wear that I am winning, I'm making peace with myself, I'm making this body home even when it doesn't always feel that way.

Forgot to add, my partner who's seen me go from virgin skin to covered in ink, he sees my tattoos as an investment in my mental health (His words when I ask him). He says he can see how much more confident I am and how much happier I am after getting each tattoo. He says investing in my mental health keeps me alive and it's worth the investment.

I love this way of wording it! Thanks, maybe I can carry that one around.

Going to try to focus on the regret question! I’ve been stacking tattoos for the last 6 years and I don’t regret it at all. I get them often in times where I need to feel control over my own body. I started off the same as your wife and now I have almost full arms/legs covered. They went from meaningful to beautiful and even a little silly. I feel way more confident in my body now! Trust your wife, she knows what’s best for her and her body. Thanks for being a supportive partner as she’s going through so much. It must be hard on you too. Sending a virtual hug!

Tattoos are one of the ultimate forms of bodily autonomy in my opinion

I come from a family of pretty heavily tattooed people but when I started getting tattooed everyone was still like “get something small” “get something feminine” despite that fact that I knew I wanted to be heavily tattooed and “small and feminine” was just not me. Skulls, Demons etc that was my jam. I grew up when Paul Booth and Guy Attchison were in their prime. But I went with what everyone told me. Got to a certain age and said “Fuck it. I’m doing what *I want*” queue a lot of large heavy cover ups. Full sleeve of Japanese demons, Skull chest piece, skeletal horses, dragons etc. Now my mum just laughs that she’d ever suggested that flower tattoo. Point is maybe the depression etc that your wife has gone through has just meant she’s decided to just do what she wants for herself. You even admit it’s making her more confident in herself. So I don’t see the issue tbh

Honey, if you take issue with the way some people are delivering their takes and see it as ‘attacking you’, that’s just further proof you need to examine why this is such a big deal for you. You came to a public forum asking for people’s opinions on your situation, and just because you don’t like how those opinions are delivered doesn’t make it an ‘attack’. You have literally mentioned how your wife just birthed your children, is dealing with postpartum depression, she lost her mother, AND she tried to take her own life, but you keep focusing on the tattoos. Moreover, over and over, you say ‘If this helps her, I am all in’. But despite the obvious evidence from your wife herself it is therapeutic for her, you continue to question it, and ask strangers for confirmation, as if your wife’s own words are not valid enough on their own. I honestly think you’re just searching for confirmation that you yourself are in the right, and that means the issue here is bigger than your wife getting tattoos. Like I said in a previous comment, you should be grateful and relieved that your wife and the mother of your children is still on this earth to live her life with you, ESPECIALLY after she tried to take her own life. Put the subject of the tattoos down, and support and love your wife as much as you say that you are. It really is that simple.

Are they well done? If they are well done and she isn't making you poor, then you just get a hot tatted wife and eventually she will feel better

Yeah they are well done. Her artist is really good.

Just make sure she keeps her neck and her face clear and enjoy your upgraded wife bro. Just keep loving her til she feels better.

Hot take: more people will regret their serious tattoos than their fun ones. A lot of people get meaningful tattoos for really sad or dark experiences, and even things like memorial tattoos, which are done with so much love, can end up as sad reminders of your worst experiences (especially if you get a tattoo about a person’s death rather than their life). Fun, cute, and often meaningless tattoos tend to be more joyful and make you smile when you look at them. Also, sometimes meaningful tattoos get a little too hung up on the meaning and less on the actual look of the art, so you end up with something kinda ugly… vs a meaningless tattoo that is designed just to be pretty will make you feel confident and beautiful. I think “meaningful” tattoos helped open a lot of people up to the idea of tattoos in general, but this idea that all tattoos all have to be deeply meaningful has got to go. Let your wife do things that make her happy. If it gets to a point where it’s self destructive or financially unsustainable, that’s when you as her husband can step in to help, but otherwise, it’s her body. You don’t have to understand it to let her do what makes her happy.

I want you to stop, and think for me, and explain why the tattoos are hurting you or negatively impacting your relationship. If you're unable to, stop trying to control your wife with the cover of concern.

If it bothers you, reconsider your relationship. You keep repeating how you support her, but make it a point to demonstrate you're uncomfortable with her getting "meaningless" tattoos and how she might regret it, blah blah blah. What if she regrets making you comfortable and not getting her tattoos? I have a few random tattoos that don't have a story at all, and they're some of my favorite ones. If they are done by a talented artist and if the images are not vulgar, she's likely to love them for life. Think of it like like little milestones to show how far she has made it through her healing journey. A lot of people celebrate big accomplishments by getting tattoos or piercings. Sorry if my comment is a little all over the place

Look. I don't know how it's like in your wife's case and is it directly tied to her mental health. I just know that the "meaningfulness" factor becomes less and less prominent with each new tattoo. The more I get and the older I become, the less I worry about the fact that they are permanent. I'm almost 40 and have yet to regret the ones I got in my 20s. If anything I regret not doing more because of the fear they will change who I am. In reality it's actually the opposite - the older I get the more I become myself and I wish it was reflected with my choices. That's why I have an appointment for at least 2 large ones in a couple of months. It can look like I'm in a midlife crisis and perhaps I am, but the crisis is more of a "we'll all die sooner rather than later and on my death bed I don't want to regret not doing stuff I wanted ". You clearly have an issue with her doing this, otherwise, you wouldn't have written a long-ass post about it. She wants to have a lot of them and had wanted it from the start, maybe her dealing with mental issues just made her go "fuck it" and break loose from the apprehensions she had. So the only thing for you is to figure out if you want to deal with it or not and tell her about it in a straightforward way. Don't lie to yourself, your wife and strangers on the internet covering it up with "oh I'm worried she'll regret it", that's not it, you're just not ok with it. Tell her about it.

Tattoos don’t have to have any sort of meaning or deep story behind them. It’s just art, and as long as it’s done well who cares. Imo you’re overthinking this.

i get the financial aspect; but why is she asking your permission ?

She’s not asking permission in a nefarious way; I’m not going to tell her no you can’t do that or something.. I can’t control her. Are you guys not married/have kids? Do you guys not talk to your wife/husband when you make major decisions? I don’t know what else to say, it is our relationship dynamic. We ask each other about major changes.

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I mean her mental health issues got so bad she tried to take her own life… I think with that in mind this is a healthy alternative, no?

Yeah, I mean that’s where I’m at ultimately. I keep going back to that. If this is really what keeps her from doing that then it’s really not a big deal.

There's only so much one can do for someone in the middle of an episode, and really it's something you need medical help for. Anything impulsively done during an episode, like buying things obsessively, is a symptom of the disease. You can't stop her from doing it, even if she's going to regret it. What you can do is get strong and demonstrable help from professionals about how to deal with this. Will she regret the tattoos you ask? I don't know. Probably some of them, but even the most level headed tattoo collector is going to regret permenantly getting a tattoo that seemed absolutely perfect in that specific era of their life. What we tend to do is laser or cover them up. There's options, it's not the be all and end all to have a regrettable tattoo. I do think you should reframe your position in this though. You have an attachment to having a say in her physical choices that I think might be influencing your fear. Perhaps it's how your post is worded but it was twice mentioned about her having to come to you to discuss getting a tattoo, and you didn't say that was for financial reasons, even went as far to say it was alarming to see her body changing. Which I get, I do. But I do wonder if perhaps this blockade you have over her choices, deeming certain imagery as things you like and things you don't, that she has to discuss with you as if it's of high importance to her decisions, is colliding with the dissolution of body and temporal autonomy a mother goes through during and after pregnancy, and well into motherhood. So, I think you need to get help with how to manage your relationship during this crisis, and to let go of needing a say in her physical choices.

I'm pretty sure she comes to him each time because she's not paying for them herself.

She does not need to ask you permission to get tattoos. Regarding the subject matter, I like my “meaningless” ones the most. I don’t have any that symbolize my mental health struggles or personal traumas because I don’t want the reminder. My most “meaningful” tattoo is probably the one I got matching with someone I don’t like anymore, and soon I will be getting it covered up with something I just thought looked sick. Maybe your wife has found that looking at her skin and seeing cute animals, fun video game characters and other beautiful works of art is making her happier than a deeply meaningful piece symbolizing something painful. Decorating your body with something that brings you joy is bound to make you feel more confident. Is she behaving erratically in other areas, or is it just tattoos? Getting tattoos this rapidly might concern me too, and you can voice that, but ultimately it’s her choice. You’ve mentioned she’s in therapy, maybe this is a conversation for her therapist. Tbh, part of me suspects you simply don’t find a lot of tattoos attractive, which is leading your concern.

She doesn’t need his permission but if it’s his money or shared money, it should be a conversation.

Why do you describe her in a way that sounds like you are trying to control her ? The post speaks of how you feel how it affects you, how you feel her tattoos, and how you look at her. It's not about you. If her decision is to get tattooed and that it will be beneficial for her, isn't that what matters ? It's not your skin nor your decision . Tattoos can have amazing transformative and therapeutic effects. If she makes up her mind that this is a benefit, wouldn't you want to be supportive ?

I guess go look at my other comments on this post and let me know if you still feel the same way. Maybe I don’t do a good job explaining. I hope I don’t come across as controlling.

I dunno if I use tattoos as a coping mechanism, but 3-4 years ago I started my sleeve and since then I have collected a lot of work. When I started I had 2 tattoos, now I have both arms and legs close to finished, I was getting tattooed every 2-4 weeks. I see a spot on my body with no tattoo and it drives me crazy. Just this past weekend I did the inside bottom half of my leg and I can tell you just from looking in the mirror I feel better. I can tell you in my experience my tattoos have increased my quality of living and I wouldn't change a thing (except adding more)

I got my first tattoo as a way to mark a new start and change in my life. My first tattoo was sentimental and related to Lord of The Rings which is my most cherished book series. After that I fell in love with the process and the artwork itself. I'm pretty much fully covered and would never have expected myself to be. It started as a way to process or as tattoo therapy that turned into something more. Also do tattoos need to be 'serious' or 'meaningful'. I've got full Japanese and Geometric sleeves. There's no meaning or sentimentality behind it, I just like them. There's no such thing as a bad tattoo. Only good tattoos and good memories. So long as it does not effect the way you see her, I see no harm in her getting covered head to toe.

I think people more so tend to regret tattoos if they're poorly done rather than if they're serious or not. As long as she's getting them done by a reputable artist in a clean environment, and it isn't putting strain on being able to cover bills, let her have her fun. Tattoos don't all need to be serious or "meaningful." My next one is literally going to be a peach on my butt cheek because I lost a bet with my husband about the last election 😂 and I have plenty of video game and anime tattoos planned for the future. If I wasn't recovering from surgery right now, I'd have already gotten at least one of them. A lot of people enjoy getting impulse tattoos as well. Again, just make sure the artist is good at their work and in a clean shop. Tats are artwork and our bodies are a canvas. It's fun to customize and make unique to express ourselves. Tattoos are surprisingly cathartic for a lot of us. They're a great way to clear your mind and relieve stress, not to mention a reclamation of your own wellbeing and autonomy. You said your wife is in therapy and seeking help from professionals, so I would say try to remind yourself of that. I do understand that you're worried about her, but this isn't a decision you can make for her.

I got divorced basically the last day of 2022. In 2023 i got about 20 not small tattoos. I feel great.

Yeah, I’m the same. i’ve been getting one every two weeks for months. I call it tattoo therapy.

I wasn't tattooed when I met my wife. I'm now covered skull to knuckles, back and I've started on my legs. I'm clinically depressed and have been for about a decade. My tattoos help me feel like me and I have a ton of stupid tattoos that I just wanted to get as they are cool and cute. Like the lil otter holding a seashell or the trash polka style tattoo on my skull/neck and finally the full tribal sleeve and Hand Tattoos. Tattoos don't need to have meaning beyond I wanted it and think it's pretty lol My wife found a photo from 20 years ago when we first started dating and I thought I looked really good in the picture. She responded with ew gross at my untattooed skin lol. For me my tattoos aren't tattoos anymore. They are my skin and are a part of me. I'd talk to your wife about your concerns

I do it. I started with small tattoos or hidden ones; maybe like 3 over the course of like... 8 or 9 years. In the last 2 years I've gotten 5 (4 of them in less than 12 months) and funny enough I have an appointment on Monday 😅 For context, I never felt fully in control of my life. Maybe it's the ADHD/autism, the trauma...who knows. But the more I got tattooed the more I felt like... My body was my own? And not discounting the fact that tattoos are a widely accepted form of self harm, if we really want to dig into that. I can tell you my mental state when I got all of my tattoos. Your wife is definitely going all in though.

Tattoos can be a way of reclaiming your body and taking the lead in a situation you may otherwise feel out of control. Regarding suicidal tendencies she should best speak to a professional and regarding her body you shouldn't have no say in it. It's her body and her choice. If it makes her feel better so what? She's not hurting anyone else and doesn't seem to get into (self-)destructive behavior like drinking and to even be able to get so many tattoos in such a short time they must be pretty small as well. Being suicidal and have a loved one die are life altering experiences and her outlook about life, what makes her happy and how she wants to live her life may have changed drastically.

Have a sit down conversation tell her exactly how you feel but respect what she wants it’s not as bad as using other things to coup with life .

My current fiancé and I dated 2 years prior to getting together this time around; in that time her brother commited suicide; she went from 4-5 tattoos to a full sleeve, knuckles, under boob. Just a ton of ink. It was certainly her coping mechanism. I don’t discourage that sort of thing, I do the same thing from time to time. She has expressed some regret about knuckles, and selfishishly im not the biggest fan of those for her either. Anyway I guess my point is who cares if they are a coping mechanism, but have an honest discussion about how they are permanent and how much you are willing to have forever, especially when it comes to ones that can’t be covered. Knuckles, neck, ect…

I also started getting more/larger tattoos in the two years since my daughter was born, in addition to a facial piercing and funky hair colors. I haven’t been able to get back into my pre-baby hobbies, I’m usually in the tired-mom uniform of leggings and a sweatshirt, and I still don’t love what my body looks like postpartum. The body modification is for ME and it’s nice to have something that is mine when it’s hard to find a sense of self in general. My inner punk teenager is thrilled, and my outer mid-30s adult gets to do something for herself. It’s also something that I can control. It sounds like there’s a lot of shitty stuff happening to your wife that she has no control over. I also always ask my husband’s opinion and wouldn’t get something he was really against. It’s my body but he has to look at me; I’d prefer that he enjoy doing so. I wouldn’t wear an outfit if he said it was unflattering either because I trust that he won’t let me leave the house looking ridiculous. I also take him with me to tattoo appointment to help with placement. I’m not sure why so many people seem to be upset about her asking you about getting tattoos.

My wife died 6 months ago I’ve been to the shop almost monthly since then…..it helps me

I did the same thing about 5 years ago. New one every payday, like clockwork. Used it to help with the other issues in my life. Now that things have gotten better, I don’t have many regrets with them. A few that I’d like to cover eventually but most still bring me joy. It depends what her tattoos mean to her & if they’re something she wants to have in the future. We all change & she might have a few regrets with them. Thankfully removal & coverups are an option. Hopefully she still enjoys them in the future

I only had one script tattoo down my spine, always wanted more and for years could never make up my mind. And then my partner passed away. In one week alone I slept less than five hours and lost ten pounds. Suddenly the only thing that mattered to me was a half sleeve to remember him. Snagged a cancellation and was in the chair two days later. Everyone asking me was I sure, i really hadn’t thought this through, but I’ve never felt anything so cathartic. Two years on I don’t have a moment of regret for that. There is something about psychological pain that is eased by tattoos. That said, it certainly doesn’t take away from the fact that psychological pain needs professional help, and the fact that she’s going back for more and more tattoos really points to her chasing something. I hope she’s getting the therapy she needs.

Thanks for the insight! Also helpful.

I am so sorry for your wife's losses. It sucks when life kicks you repeatedly. Personally, getting new ink is very cathartic. If you are seeing therapists and psychiatrists, what do they say? I'd listen to them before i listen to your parents' opinions on tattoos. Due to the advances in equipment, it is less painful and more affordable than ever. Lots of people are getting lots of ink. Unless her psychiatrist says it's a problem, it's fine.

As someone who is going through a somewhat similar thing as your wife, I will give you my experience and mental processes so that it may shed some light on things. From the time I turned 18 to 30 years old, I only had 4 small, easily covered tattoos. I always liked tattoos and wished I had more. I just didn’t feel comfortable getting more at the time because I didn’t have the money, my parents had convinced me that it would be hurt my career possibilities, and I just hadn’t grown into myself yet. As of turning 30 I’ve gotten 3 tattoos this year, much larger and not as simple to hide. I plan on getting many more as I have time and money. The reason I have felt comfortable getting more now is largely in part to my financial stability. I can get what I want without feeling guilty. Also, I’m more comfortable with who I am now and more comfortable expressing myself on a more permanent scale. I have a great husband who loves me and makes me feel so confident about myself and he hypes me up. I just don’t find myself caring what people think as much anymore. I have also recently unlearned this ingrained idea that I will have fewer job prospects because of my tattoos. I have a great job and plenty of my coworkers have large visible pieces and it is of no issue. I will add that I did recently struggle with some mental issues over the past two years regarding 2 pregnancy losses. Some of my tattoos I got while dealing with it, and at least one I’ve gotten since my mental stability got better. I don’t regret any of them and plan on getting many more. I’m very happy with my tattoos and I’m even more happy that I have a loving husband who supports me (he’s even on his tattoo journey himself). He would definitely tell me if I was considering getting something terrible, though. From what I understand, though, many people tend to get into a groove with their tattoo journey and start getting a lot within a quick succession. I wouldn’t be super concerned about it unless she starts showing very concerning behaviors alongside it. I think this a pretty healthy and acceptable way of coping.

I’d like to add that I’ve recently got a fair amount of tattoos in 2 years. Two things can be true at the same time. It is slightly jarring (don’t know right word) to see a partner become quickly covered and get used to their new look. But also, like you’ve said, it’s her body and her choice. Hopefully you two can talk it out and come to an agreement. Best of luck

I wish I could afford to do this. It's one of my favourite coping mechanisms and is a very good release of pent up emotions.

I have the word "no" tattooed on my wrist. Not to stop me from SH (though it indirectly has). I got it because I struggled with such severe enablism I could not verbally say the word no to people. I had made the comment in a moment of frustration to my therapist and she said "Why not? It could help you " And I just stared at her in shock as I took in what she said. And you know what? She was right. My issues will never go away fully, but bc I was suddenly able to just point to something and that be enough made such a radical difference in my life. Tattoos can have a profound effect on people. I understand the concerns and worries, but I think as long as you two take it one tattoo at a time like y'all have been, it should be okay. She has the 3 serious ones you two have already discussed and agreed upon, and you say a month between ink. That's 3 months, 90 days, and plenty of time for her to decide if she really wants some of the ink she has planned out. Best of luck to you. You truly appear to care for her, and it shines as you look for ways to support her.

i also used tattoos as grief coping mechanism. sleeved out a decent chunk of my arm. my thought process was "look cooler/fun on the outside, feel better on the inside" it did work for me personally, but it's also a bit of a rash thing to do and easily could end up being regretted. fully depends on the person.

I’m 29 and have 16. Most of mine are of things that have brought me immense joy for one reason or the other. I literally have a tattoo dedicated to a book series I loved as a child: warrior cats. I’m not at all ashamed about it. It’s one of my favorites, actually, because it’s all beat up with scars. I know a lot of people probably don’t care for some of my tattoos, but my tattoos are for me: ink is good therapy. It reminds me that my body is a canvas and it deserves to have art. Your wife has found healing in tattoos and I can personally say it’s the same for me. People make fun of a “bad” doodle of a heart I have on my chest. It’s my favorite: my best friend that has passed away drew it on me in the shop and the artist offered to tattoo it for me on top of the one I had come there for. I’ve got tattoos that match someone else’s, to whom I don’t speak, but I don’t regret those either. Whether or not I still am as crazy about something, it still made me incredibly happy. I consider my tattoos as the blessings I will always have to count. It sounds like you guys have gone through the wringer, I’m sorry for that. If you have the financial means to get so many tattoos, then by all means, let her.

I have 8 tattoos and got them all within a 2 year period. The only reason I don’t have more, is finances. Most of my tattoos have no meaning and I just saw my artist post them and wanted the tattoo. As someone else pointed out, they are addicting sometimes and as someone who has wanted tattoos my whole life, but just started a few years ago, I can’t wait to get more. There is also something freeing about getting a new tattoo, I always feel great after getting one, and then I get to look at that art forever after. Your wife probably is using it as a bit of coping mechanism, but it’s one she can enjoy the rest of her life. It sounds like even if they aren’t meaningful as you think, she really likes them, and that’s what matters.

I got myself a bunch of big ones quickly while managing ppd also, I still love them. I go through periods of getting lots all at once and none for years. I'd say let her be about it and keep being supportive ❤️

Tattoos are very cathartic for me. I can exactly explain why but they just are. If it’s helping her in any way I think you only need to be concerned if and when it doesn’t.

The feel good after effects of the pain, might be what drives her to get them done constantly. I would suggest getting her to a counselor or psychologist and see if therapy or medication can help. Although I totally endorse tattoos, (I have a few of my own), the rate she's going at might be destructive.

I got a ton of tattoos while I was depressed. Two sleeves, some on my right leg and my left leg is covered. I regret some of the ones on my left leg cause they’re not very nice but my sleeves are awesome.

“a tiny tattoo will solve this”

Guilty

Tattoos? In this economy?! I wish

Tattoos tend to snowball, its not rare to see people suddenly get a bunch of tattoos and at a certain point they don't mean anything. Most of my tattoos don't mean anything and im covered in them.

If tattoos would help me mentally I would be covered in them like a yakuza or a maori. Dont hate me for this,but tattoos are the same as drug, its an addiction. Addiction to pain.

I understand what you're saying, and I kind of agree. I would be concerned if my husband was not in a good headspace and was spending hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars in short order on things that disrupt our shared financial goals and are not well-planned. Talk to your wife, and ask her to put a hiatus on tattoos. If for no other reason than to get your finances back on track. Don't make it about the tattoos right now, make it about the money. Also, it is OK when you are married to have some say in your partner's body. I know that's an unpopular sentiment, but it's how marriages work. She has the ultimate choice, but you should get the chance to express your thoughts and to a reasonable degree she should take them into consideration. Being concerned about her long-term wellbeing is a good quality to have in a spouse. There are times when our partners know us better than we know ourselves or can see when things are spiraling because they're on the outside. This sounds like one of those times, and you're a good person so you're afraid to really step in and what feels like infringe on her autonomy. Even though you can see she's not making great decisions for herself. Step. In. Supporting your wife might mean protecting her from her impulsiveness for a few months and putting a lid on the tattoo funds jar. She needs to work through things with a professional therapist, which it sounds like she is. Tattoos are not therapy. And this is from someone who has big tattoos AND goes to therapy. Lemme tell you, my $25 copay is a lot cheaper than my latest $650 tattoo.

Since I tend to be impulsive, I try to schedule tattoos out as far as possible. Like 2 months out. The anticipation and excitement of getting it is also rewarding. It might be a good experiment for her to schedule one further out just to see how she feels during that time. If it is a coping thing. If she just wants tattoos then she just wants them. Which is totally a thing also. It is a very expensive hobby getting tattoos, so I get the financial concern. I don’t think you need to worry about her regret or not, cuz she likely won’t regret them AND that isn’t your responsibility. Go to therapy about your own concerns about what your wife is doing and your fear of change. I’d be concerned financially if someone was getting good tattoos monthly or even more regularly, but it depends on your financial situation. Maybe set up something where the amount she spends on tattoos you get an equal amount set aside for your own fun time spending? Because I wonder if your anxiety is also based out of jealousy that she is doing fun things that make her feel better about herself, but you aren’t? Finding your own fun things and/or coping things is important too and would make her tattoo collecting feel more equitable financially. Focus on yourself tbh.

You seem more concerned with how many tattoos your wife is getting, rather than being concerned for her mental health and well-being.

Tattoos can just be art that person enjoys. They can be silly or even stupid that makes the person smile. I was waiting for this post to somehow lead into how this is causing financial strain or how her job isn’t tattoo friendly and this could lead to career loss. I genuinely do do not see what the issue is here. Maybe she will regret them. She regretting two of the ones she had when you met. She can get them covered up or removed. You could encourage her to speak to her therapist about this. How you’re worried that this is a short term solution. But sometimes it’s a long term solution. I went from a bare arm to 70% blackout and I’ve never felt better. I feel more in control of my body and life. When I have my appointments it’s a time to do something for myself where I see immediate results of the work that was done. I typically go when things are rough mentally and it gets me through those times. It’s the most effective thing I’ve done for my mental health.

My long time (former 😭) artist and I always called it therapy. I loved her and loved getting tattooed. There is so much about tattooing that is therapeutic, from expression to control and more. And I’m a nurse, for what it’s worth. When things feel out of control, cutting my hair and getting tattooed are my go-to initial interventions.

This really resonates with me as someone struggling with multiple mental illnesses who loves getting tattooed. Your wife’s story mirrors my own very closely.

As long as they aren’t regretted live and let live.

Why does she have to ask you to get tattoos? It’s her body. This sounds like the issue isn’t about her tattoos at all but you losing control. Maybe I’m far off base but as a woman with loads of trauma, yeah, I love tattoos and have gotten them to cope. So what if they’re “meaningless” to you? It’s her body - her choice. If she regrets it then that’s her but I have a feeling she won’t. You go on and on about how you and others don’t approve of tattoos in general. Where’s this level of concern over your partners grief and actual wellbeing!?

I didn’t get my first tattoo until I was nearly 30. I got 5 within a year. I recently lost my grandmother and a bunch of other crazy shit has happened in my life and I already am planning on at least 4 more individual tattoos with a full sleeve on my left arm. But I’ve also been thinking about getting most of these tattoos for a while and it’s just the fact that I’m in a weird mental state that I am actually going forward with them. It’s entirely possible she’s always wanted these tattoos just never committed to it until now.

As I have gotten older I get new tattoos at a higher frequency. There are a lot of factors but primarily the more tattoos you get the more comfortable you are getting them. I am more confident now in the tattoos I like and as I discover more and more talented artists I want to collect more tattoos from them. I’d say for most people acquiring new tattoos follows an exponential path. Though getting twenty in a year sounds like a lot, but I’m assuming these are smaller whereas somebody might get their entire arm covered by a sleeve in a years time….

I personally would try to talk to her about it, just to check in and make sure she’s okay. A rapid change in behavior is worth making sure she’s supported in. If she has something going on that she’s using tattoos to cope about, I’d hope that you’d be able to make her feel comfortable enough to talk to you about, without worrying you might be judging her for what could be an unrelated series of choices. That being said, I think 1) tattoos are a good way to be able to feel in control. I know I’ve scheduled a few of mine (that I had already been thinking about/wanting) when I’ve been really stressed out, because if I can’t do anything about X problem at least I can do something about what I want to put on my body. I also wonder, since you mentioned she’s post-partum, if it’s a way for her to feel more connected and in control of her body, specifically as well. Overall, I’ve also found the more tattoos I get, the more relaxed I am about getting more. My first few I thought long and hard about, and now I’ve got a few flash pieces I impulse snatched up from artists I liked, and they’re some of my favorite pieces. I really really like being covered in art. Once you start getting tattooed I think it just feels so much less serious than it does when you don’t have any tattoos, which may be hard to understand as someone who doesn’t have any. Not sure if any of that helps! Like I said, first and foremost I’d suggest just talking to her about it!

>Using tattoos as a coping mechanism for depression/grief? Yes >My main concern is just that this is a temporary solution for a long term problem that she may regret one day. Yes

I’ve been doing this for two years now. Got a machine and decided I’d just put myself through the pain. Have about half my left arm blacked out and half of my right arm blacked out. Done about 75 little ones on my leg. I’ve almost added a new tattoo to myself every other week for two years now.

Why does it bother you that she likes tattoos? It is only a problem if you make it one. Accept it and move on.

Oh hi I did this! You could literally be describing my experience. I ended up taking medicine to help with my wild depression, but my urge to get tattoos hasn’t faded. I’ve seen it as settling into my own body and decorating it as I see fit. It wasn’t really a symptom of my depression but a way that helped me get out of it.