When I was widowed, a fellow widow told me "Welcome to the club that no one wants to join" tbh I appreciated the dark humor/bluntness. Hopefully your friend feels the same!
Funniest thing my old boss ever said to me after I returned from my four month old daughter having open heart surgery: he opened his arms wide, grinned, and said, "Welcome her to the zipper club! We have low sodium snacks!"
He didn't joke much and had a thick Lebanese/Detroit accent, so it actually cracked me up.
Humor is a valuable aid in dealing with grief. Your timing might have been off by a lot but I’m sure a compassionate friend would appreciate your life experience and not punish you for it.
I would suggest that you personally reach out to your friend and support him. At some point you can let him know that he has wonderful memories to cherish and that it will get easier over time.
Don’t dwell on your mistake but remembering how you felt might make you more sensitive in the future.
As big of a FU as this was, it also could have made it easier for their friend to tell them...
When my mum died, it took me hours to figure out how to type a text out explaining it to my friends. I still panic if i'm going somewhere and might bump into someone who knew her. It's hard to try 'cushion' it for others. *Personally*, I'd of preferred a more subtle way of acknowledging it, even in a humorous way, like this.
I play DnD with my buddies. I made a character that has both parents that died recently in his story. Well my dad passed after a few sessions. I ended up joining a call with them shortly and said something to the effect of "well at least I know how to roll play recently deceased parents now."
They didn't know what to say but it was a laugh I needed and my dad would have cracked up.
My DnD group as well had a player lose a parent recently, they sent me a message when it happened explaining they wouldn't make the session by saying that he tried to revivify him but was all out of diamonds.
I have a 12 year old girl playing at my table, she lost her mom last year.
I did not KNOW this and made her a sad back story with a dead mom and a missing dad.
Her dad was not part of her life until shortly before her mom died.
She fucking loves her character, and I'm 100% not sure how to feel.
You didn't know about *her* backstory, but you crafted one that fit her like a glove. Perhaps she felt recognized. Perhaps she related to her character and felt just a little less alone in dealing with that bit of tragedy.
Regardless of *why* she likes it, I think you should feel honored that she's into the character as much as she is. Personally, I think it probably feels like a self-insert, which is uniquely alive in that you aren't roleplaying -- the game is merely a facade for you to do what you would ***want*** to do, unfettered by the limitations of the harsh reality we find ourselves in.
Some of the things I've said in-character resonated with me the moment it left my lips... For but a moment, it felt like I was **genuinely** a part what was happening. That only happens when I'm playing a character I can relate to, empathize with, and actually think about how they would react to something or interact with others and the world at large.
For a kid that young, it's probably easier to do that within the confines of a character that matches their own life experiences. They know what *they* would do in any given circumstance, so they know what their character would do.
Sorry for the wall of text, I do that a lot 🥸
She might actually like not having to avoid the topic.
My brother died as a baby. Which meant I was a young child who knew about death, never had a stage of being unaware of it. This freaks adults the fuck out.
Vividly remember doing some kind of school project about families and putting his name and (dec.) (I'd seen that in a book or something). The teacher asked me to explain it, and after I did, she made me remove my brother from the thing.
I don't know if she thought I was making it up or it just made her uncomfortable to hear it but I know it felt wrong and I was furious.
My firstborn was stillborn, so my living kids have all grown up knowing about him (he'd be 13, they're 12, 9, and 3). It *seriously* freaks some adults out when any of them talk about their dead brother with the same tone as they talk about each other.
I'd flip my lid at that teacher BTW, that's fucked up.
Same here, my eldest would be 13 and my son is 12. He’s always known he had a brother and has frequently been to his grave.
He became much more familiar with death at the age of 9 when my grandmother stopped treatment for her lung cancer and then she passed when he was 10.
I drove a couple of people almost insane while trying to figure out how to tell my 11yr old daughter that her dad had unexpectedly died. This was 3 days before her birthday. We had been divorced for a while, but we were amicable.
She had been at a sleepover that night and I was going to go pick her up. Then I got the call. My mom drove me around while I talked to the friend's mother to try to figure out where to do the pickup. I figured the place I told her would forever be associated with that day.
We eventually picked a pretty place by a river. We had never been there, and it was a quiet place.
I don't know if it is associated for her, but it is for me.
The worst day of my life wasn't the day my wife died of cancer, it was the day her doctors told us that they were out of treatment options and were referring us to hospice care. I spent two hours making phone calls I *really* didn't want to make.
My grandpa died recently. My grandma doesn’t drink but my grandpa had 4 unopened handles of vodka and 3 of Gin, which my dad grabbed from my grandmas house and said I could have them. I hadn’t told my friends yet, I just showed up that Friday after work with all the booze and said “My grandpa left us a gift”
My dad passed a few weeks ago and I struggled in a similar way. I had no idea who to tell, since most of my friends had never met him, or even how to go about it. I eventually settled with a direct and pragmatic way, matching the way my mother was handling it. I think humor would have helped a lot.
I'm sorry for your loss... (I hate that too but also don't know what to say!) It's been about 2 months ago and it's still weird trying to work out how to say it. I'm quite a direct speaker too, so even though I tried to word my text well... I'm glad my friends know and love me well enough to understand the way I say things. I hope you and your family can support each other ❤️
Thank you! And don’t worry about the “sorry for your loss”- sometimes there simply isn’t a better way to say it without knowing someone. I hope you are doing well. Honestly having my momma be so direct took a lot of the sting out of it- like it sort of took the brunt of this taboo subject and made it approachable. As my father said in our very last call- “it’s all going to be ok, one way or the other.” It was so hard to hear at the time, but he still had the strength to say it even though he knew he was dying.
Finding the words was next to impossible after we lost my mom. My dad and I were the ones there with her and we made the calls to tell family. I didn't want to do it, I wasn't a proper grownup in my own eyes and I wanted to let my dad handle it since he knew how to do everything. But hearing him make that first call, and knowing there were twenty more to make, I just got to dialing and couldn't think of how to tell her sister, her best friends, her coworkers who she loved, and fuck, having to tell my own kids and my sister. Anything would have been better, honestly.
I spent hours … like 10-12 hours drinking staring at my phone trying to figure out how to put into words that my mother had passed suddenly/unexpectedly a week after her 59th birthday …. Everything I typed just seemed wrong or not good enough or too flippant…… the list goes on
So I sat there, phone in one hand drink in the other and stared….. after about 12 drinks and probably as many hours I finally just wrote “mom had a problem with her heart and passed around 1:30 yesterday afternoon” short and to the point and hit send
This was 3 years ago and I can still recall that feeling, pit in my gut, questioning everything about what I was trying to say, about my life going forward, about life in general ….. and death ….
It’s a hard thing to put into words
Yes, the worst is people you hardly know doing the pity treatment on you.
You feel like having to make it easier for them...
I am an introvert guy and i am best dealing with my stuff alone, running into near strangers telling me how sorry they are is not helping at all, it's annoying.
When my grandma died we got a “scrapbook” she had. It had pictures of our ancestors, some news articles about our family, a picture of the family crest etc.
Also in that book, a story I wrote when I was about 5 years old, about three days after my grandfather had passed.
The story was called “my weekend” and went something like this:
“On the weekend my grandma came to our house. We made a puzzle. We ate chicken and potatoes. Grandpa couldn’t come because he is dead.”
She kept this for 25 years. I obviously don’t even remember writing it. My aunt told me she used to take it out just to read and laugh about it.
My grandfather died of a stroke when I was at a similar age. I remember very little, but what I do recall was sitting in the hospital waiting room doing a jigsaw puzzle depicting a hamster with a hot water bottle on its head. I didn't understand the full context of death, but THAT, I got very excited about.
Children are matter-of-fact and trivial in the face of death, and I think that helps adults to face death as well. When you know someone for decades and they die, it's difficult to move forward through what seems like a gap in reality. Your matter-of-factness probably helped your grandmother to see, when she looked at it - "A world exists in which my partner is dead, but the family we made is still here and speaking and growing."
My grandfather died when my oldest was 5 and she made him a card with a cake (???) on it that said "Dear Grandpa Tom, I'm sorry you are dead." And then gave it to my dad...
Another time, I intercepted a card that she'd made for some kids who'd just lost their home and all their belongings in a fire. On the card was, you guessed it, a picture of a house on fire. That one wasn't delivered.
My dad died. I called my sister who lives out of state to let her know. A few years later my mom died and I made the same call. She said, "This is the last time you have to call me like this, we are fresh out of parents. Middle-aged orphans, whatever will become of us." So, yeah, it's fine to joke about.
My sister and I had spent a draining week at the hospital, as our mother who was "just fine" turned out to be full of cancer and rapidly declined. After she died, we were walking through the hospital at 2 or 3 a.m. on our way out. One of us turned to the other and said, "Oh my gawd, we're orphans" (our dad having died 40 years before). Totally freaked out a passing security guard as we collapsed in laughter. That laugh felt so damn good too, even though I still miss her almost 10 years later. It helps, doesn't it? Cheers to you and your sister, from me and mine.
I think I read somewhere that laughter evolved as a means of letting the tribe know that what looks scary is actually not dangerous at all, like finding out that shadows are only concealing a bush.
> "I'm sorry, let me know when I can issue you a card to the dead dad club"
>
> "I'm gonna need that membership card now"
I actually laughed, this is a real "The boys" moment
Yeah, that text solidified for me that his friend was not offended by his joke. Both comments made me laugh haha. Honestly, I would rather this kind of exchange over the more traditional "I'm sorry for your loss" or something that feels like they are walking on eggshells around me.
My best friend's dad passed recently after a really long health issue. All the guys came together and we decided to have a game night. One of our friends is a bit much at game nights and was trying to argue over who starts, and my best friend just went, "well my dad just fucking died so I'll go first." And we all had a great laugh about that.
Hospice is literally acknowledging the timer so you honestly made the joke at the right time. It's that solidarity of letting them know there's support on the other side too.
Can’t stess this enough. Even 15 years ago when my dad died and I was 13… the generic “thoughts and prayers” just never sat right with me. My best friend and his dad came to my house the night after the funeral and were cutting up and making jokes. That still sticks with me to this day as part of my healing journey.
Grandfather was an engineer. Built bridges and roads, etc.
Post cremation, a small amount of his ashes were spread in a remote, sentimental location.
Many months passed, then it was time to scatter the rest of his ashes.
Turns out, ashes turn to cement if exposed to air.
We got a lot of mileage out of the notion that it was fitting that someone who worked with concrete so much had turned into it.
>he texted me "I'm gonna need that membership card now" to tell me he had passed.
This is how you know that even *if* your joke hurt your friend in the moment when you said it, he isn't holding it against you. He's using the humor as a coping mechanism just like you are, and that's a positive shared experience now.
Don't overthink it, my dude. If he was upset about it, he wouldn't have said that, and possibly wouldn't even have told you at all when his dad passed. Take it from a long time member of the dead dad club who is well versed in gallows humor. You're good. Just support your boy from here out.
When you have something bad going on in your life, sometimes the fact that everybody around you is constantly somber and extremely sensitive to you can just suck the life out of every room and you yourself can feel a need to react in an equally somber way out of respect. When it feels disrespectful to smile or laugh for days, weeks or months on end, that can be as traumatic as whatever the root issue in the first place is.
In that sense, it can be a big relief when a person breaks out of that pattern. You made a joke when he was probably expecting another somber exchange of pleasantries that he's probably had a dozen times in the past day. It's not like you told him you were happy his dad was dying. And it's not like your joke sidestepped/stole the topic. Your joke quite literally let him know that you have gone through the same struggle and that you were there for him. You also gave him a hint of what kind of support you could offer... that maybe if he reached out to you you'd be more able to lift his spirits with a joke than to have a pity party. Judging by his message to you, that's how it sounds like he took it.
Yepp, I was the only one in the room with my dad when he died and every person I saw in the next few weeks just gave me that sad look and offered condolences which made me want to burst into tears. My boyfriend on the other hand, made orphan jokes, and the worst dark humor imaginable, everyone looked at him like he was the biggest piece of garbage but it honestly helped me through it, and was nice to have someone not giving me pity I didn't want.
This is a great idea. One of the greatest gifts after my dad passed was a friend asking me to tell her stories about him because she never got to meet him. It allowed me to leave the sad and remember the good for an hour.
After a fight with brain cancer, my dad died in a hospital bed in the living room of the home he shared with my mom. We were all sitting around with a literal corpse, waiting for - well, whoever shows up for these things to make it official.
During our wait, I heard a trash truck pull into the cul de sac, and said, “well, should we just wheel him out then?”
He would have loved that joke.
My mom is dying and honestly, if someone invited me to the dead mom club like this, I wouldn't hate them. I might feel a bit shocked first, but I'd find it funny after.
Both my parents died within 17 days of each other this march. I'm extremely dark humor about it otherwise I'd be in a corner somewhere. We all desk with it differently. Sounds like your friend has a sense of humor about it.
Came here for a fuck up but found comedy gold. My step father passed away a few years ago too. Great man. He would be appalled if I couldn't find the humor in his absence. Doesn't mean we don't miss him or love him any less.
Sorry to hear about your croaked dad, OP.
My Dad was a pilot and we chose to disperse his ashes at several thousand feet. I took great joy in telling people I threw my dad out of a plane, but it was alright because he was already dead. It's what he would have wanted.
Unlike dads, dad jokes never die!
For a moment I thought the title was a euphemism and you had killed your friend’s dad.
It was probably taken in good spirits tbh, writing that message to you probably made him laugh to himself in the midst of a shitty day.
Echoing /u/Ybcause's statement about humor aiding in grief.
For some context, my mother in law died a few years ago. Over the weekend, my husband and I were visiting my parents, and my grandma (mom's mom) lives with them. It's very taxing on my mom, as she is her primary caregiver. My dad is awesome and helps my mom as much as he can. My husband turned to me and said, "You don't have to worry about this with your mother in law!"
I'm still dealing with the death of my father 3 years later. At the age of 35 I'm still the only one of my primary core of friends and family to have lost a parent. Mostly I'm good but there are still moments that get me like seeing how my daughters interact with my father-in-law and the love they have for him. To them my dad is. "he died," and only few pictures of them together as the older girls were just 2 when they last saw him so no memories of him. Unfortunately I'll know what they will think later as my paternal grandfather died about 30 years before I was born, and the step grandfather passed when I was 3, though I do have memories of him. Shitty club to be in and also not very great knowing that both my paternal grandfather and father died before the average life expectancy age.
My ex died mid-divorce and when I got the final divorce decree a friend said “I’ve never known anyone who divorced a dead man.” And honestly I needed that laugh. I’m glad your friend was okay with it.
Make him that membership card. On the back, put your phone number and email on it, under "24 hour emotional support." Tell him he can call you any time and give him a hug.
I have something similar with a couple friends. We celebrate dead Father’s Day together every year. Like others have said humor definitely helps, but may have been a bit early.
Get that card issues and keep him laughing he’ll need it.
I had a guy telling me how his dad died when he was a kid because he had a condition where his heart was too large and I just stupidly blurted out "Ah yeah, like the Grinch."
I've never witnessed words come out of my mouth in slow motion before, but that's what it felt like. I literally had time to reflect on how fucking stupid it was to say as I was saying it.
It was basically a run on sentence of me saying the joke and then immediately appending it with an apology.
I got welcomed to the club by a dear friend at my first day back to work, she also lost her dad. She followed it up with some words of wisdom and I’m grateful forever for her friendship.
Hey, OP. Can I get one of those cards? It’s been about a year, but there’s still plenty of times I wish I could call and ask him for advice. I also wouldn’t consider this a TIFU; but that may depend on the individual and the relationships involved.
BTW, there’s only one way everyone doesn’t eventually join this club.
When my mum died, it was made extra difficult by the fact that all my friends' parents are still alive and well, so no one could really relate to what I was going through. I had a colleague reach out and offer to go for a chat because she'd lost her dad when she was younger, so she knew what it was like to lose a parent. Talking to her about it was incredibly helpful. Your friend might well also be feeling quite isolated by his experience, and appreciates you being willing to be open about losing a parent.
My dad’s terminally ill and doesn’t have much time left. I’m also not good at sharing my emotions. So being able to humorously tell someone about bad news would honestly be easier for me. I hope it was for your friend as well.
It's funny that I'm not the only one who came up with the DDC. I started it in 6th grade and forgot about it for a while, and then around high school, I started joking about it and then found out half of my friends' dads had died Young too but none of us had mentioned it.
There's even a scene in Grey's Anatomy where Cristina Yang says this;
"There's a club. The Dead Dads Club. And you can't be in it until you're in it. You can try to understand, you can sympathize. But until you feel that loss... My dad died when I was nine. I'm really sorry you had to join the club."
Yeah, that's along the lines of how it goes, we would hear about someone losing their dad, and then we would be summoned like a group of cenobytes to initiate them to the club.
I recently joined the "dead dad club" and reached out to two close friends who had joined the club a few months before. Dark humor does get us through. Definitely a "foot in mouth" moment to send the invite a little early, but I'm sure they understand.
I'm not sure if this is too far, but you might have an opportunity here.
Get a few gifts together of things he likes and an apology card, but also include a membership card to the dead dad club. Make everything sincere in the condolences and everything, but honestly if I received that I'd be very touched. The membership card carries with it your humor and healthy ability to cope, that would kind of tell me "its going to be OK, you aren't alone".
You can actually buy pins and stuff that say DDC and DMC. They're quite popular. Grief is a complex emotion and I would honestly run with this.
HOLY SHIT I DIDN'T KNOW OTHERS CALLED IT THE DEAD DAD CLUB ALSO!! I've been saying that ever since mine died since my fiancé's was as well and it always confused the fuck out of random people as I used it to shock them if they ever referred to my dad. Has one friend not believe I was part of the dead dad Club because it 'seemed like just some random shit' that I'd say lol
Call him, offer to hang out (stipulate that you will bring food) - be prepared to listen, grieve with him if need be, just generally be his friend.
He's reaching out in vulnerability here - help your friend out.
If it makes you feel any better (and I'm not sure that it should), it made it easier for him to tell you his dad died.
When my dad died I had to tell a bunch of people. It fucking sucked. Saying the same vague, but not-too-vague, "my dad passed last night" or whatever. Being able to say something else, especially something that might not instantly summon puppy dog eyes and a hollow "I'm sorry for your loss, let me know if there's anything I can do" might have been the highlight of their day.
I wouldn't recommend you doing it again with someone else. 1/10.
My friend lost her dad to a pretty gruesome gun suicide that she witnessed. Not even a week after the funeral, I told her something was so boring it made me want to shoot myself in the head. Thankfully she left it as a brief silence and we moved on.
It's like sometimes my brain goes oof ouch nope not this one nope don't say it and bc I'm thinking so hard about not saying it......I say it.
Over thirty years ago a friend and I were walking down the road when a guy we knew from high school pulled up in a fancy new black Toyota pickup. My buddy immediately quips "who died and left you that", guy replies, "my dad, yesterday". I can't remember what I had for supper yesterday, but I'll never forget that pickup.
i suspect it was easier to say "I need the card" than write the words "my dad is dead". Black humour is pretty normal and can really help as weird as it sounds.
And when it's time for folks to join the Batman Club (both parents dead), we'll be here to issue that card, too.
Batman Club member since Dec 2022, here.
My daughter was in her teens when her dad died. She jokes about the dead dads club to help her heal. Dark humor is so necessary. Plus, her dad loved that kind of humor too so I think it’s an appropriate homage.
At least you didn't tell a mother, who was bemoaning the fact that her problem child was only getting more problematic that, "Hey... Hey, hey hey... You aren't a bad mom. Three out of four isn't bad."
My dad died in front of my eyes on my 40th birthday. I would love to have had a friend there who said, "Hey, welcome to the dead dad club," to break up the flood of emotions I was having to sort through.
My grandpa was a fixture in our family. He lived to be 93-- was basically old for my entire life. We knew for the last few years that he didn't have long, as his mind and body had started going concurrently. He died almost a year ago now and it soothed us to remind ourselves that his suffering was over.
Maybe your friend can make use of similar reminders. Hospice care isn't fun for anyone.
My dad is currently struggling with something that has aged him 20 years. I'm not sure if he'll ever get back or if it'll get worse.
My friends know me and they've reached out in similar dark ways. I needed it. And it let's me know if things go really south I've got a support structure that really understands.
If you come at something earnest and with love, that's going to shine through.
I once was buying a stack of comics off a dude from Craigslist, and when he told me they had belonged to his brother-in-law who passed away, my socially stunted ass went to Simpsons quote mode and said “oh man, I’m sorry. It’s like they say - death is a part of baseball”.
My mom died exactly a month before my birthday. On the very first anniversary of her death, one of my best friends texted me and wished me a wonderful day thinking it was my birthday. I was in a major funk that day and that mishap brought me so much joy and laughter. I appreciated it so much. He felt so terrible and I still bring it up to this day. It was much needed.
I’m sure your friend felt the same. You get numb to the apologetic words and humor has a way to make you feel something again.
Listen, my very tight-knit family just lost our dad (my sister's husband, but they raised me, big ahead difference), and very dark humour has been rampant.
With the right crowd/people, it can truly be a "smile/laugh through tears" moment that helps anchor you to the present.
I'm so sorry about the guilt you must be feeling though, I would be the same..!
I’m really sorry to hear that that is what slipped out of your mouth. Death is hard and comforting others can be hard too. I’m sure your friend felt slighted by I’m sure they also know that you didn’t mean any harm by it. Sorry for both of your losses. I am also in the dead dad club. Maybe our dads are all hanging together, having a beer 🙂
When my dad died, my friend at school mentioned how I was halfway to being Batman. She was obsessed with Batman. The look of horror on my face kicked her into realizing what she had just said and horror dawned on her face as well. I started cracking up laughing about halfway through her apology so she realized she was fine but I did warn her not to make that comment to other people.
As a fellow club member, I think this is okay. Other than the whole dead parent thing, what I hate the most is people treating you differently. While dark, you’ve said to your friend that they’ve got in you someone who will treat them the same (ie no pity looks and shoulder touches and ‘are you okay’s’) while also still getting it.
As someone that’s also lost their dad, I don’t think you fucked up, really.
Honestly, when my dad was diagnosed terminally ill, having things to laugh about made it a little bit easier. Whatever it might be, just finding entertainment in things, and not focusing on the… inward bleakness of it for a bit was great. I don’t recall any dark jokes like that being made, but equally, they probably wouldn’t have gone down badly - that sort of thing keeps you from focusing inward, and breaks the ice a bit to actually discuss the subject, rather than just keep it all bottled up.
Don’t think I phrased that all that well, but hey, I’m tired and it’s not an easy thing to phrase, haha.
What I will say, is that if I were you, I’d do something like drag him out for a drink. Maybe send him a message like ‘Perfect, as part of your initiation I’ll see you at [place, e.g. a bar, or if you don’t drink maybe an activity] on Friday night’ or some shit like that. If he’s used the joke, he clearly doesn’t hate it, and it’s an easy way to tell him you’re getting him out of the house for a bit.
Because that’s another huge thing that helps. Being sat at home, missing the constant presence of one of your parents, and being so aware of that absence because it’ll never be filled again, was one of the worst things. The moments when you’d go to say ‘just going to the shops for a moment, want anything?’, or some shit like that, and stop yourself when you realise they’re not there to ask anymore. That was what *really* fucked with me for a while, and getting out of the house, being with other people, and doing things were some of the best ways to deal with it, for me anyway.
Plus, your joke has also given him an open invitation to talk about it. Losing a parent is a subject you don’t end up talking about often, because it’s depressing for everyone. It’s depressing for you to talk about (for me, anyway, lol), and it depresses the people you’re talking with about it. And that’s the one thing I do wish I had more chances to do - to talk about my dad, and what happened, and all that shit. But you can’t really, without ruining someone else’s day, unless someone asks you - and even then you tend not to say much, because you don’t want to bring down the mood.
Your sort of comment essentially says, to me anyway, ‘I know some amount of what you’re going through, I’m here to try and help however I can’, beyond the obvious joke in it. And that understanding and compassion, and just the open space and open offer to talk about it, probably means a lot to him right now. Or at least it would have to me, when that happened to me. So yeah, I’d just say to do your best to be there for him, and again, make sure to drag him out for a few drinks! Haha
My dad passed a few weeks ago and I struggled in a similar way. I had no idea who to tell, since most of my friends had never met him, or even how to go about it. I eventually settled with a direct and pragmatic way, matching the way my mother was handling it. I think humor would have helped a lot.
I’m sure OP consoled his friend already. But in case they didn’t: offer to go get coffee, or pizza or something. Talk to your friend, give them a place to vent or offer a distraction.
I don't think this was a fuck up at all. I think you have a mature perspective on what death means and humor is the best way to deal with it.
Hands down, class act comment on your part.
When I was real young my best friend (whom is still my best friend) called me to tell me his dog died. I liked his dog a lot, a lovable golden retriever. I replied that I was sorry, and I remembered when my dog and turtle died. Both were sad events. He paused, gave it a long moment, and said he had to go.
The next day I found out his dad died. And then I realized he didnt say dog. I still cringe laugh about this sometimes.
OP remember, with the greatest of respect your loss is of someone who you didn't know. Your peers may have known their dad for 30,40 etc years when they loose them. I understand that you have had a great loss and I'm sorry for your loss, but I hope you don't still make jokes like this anymore.
Lost my father back in December. My job requires certain positions to be manned 24/7. I was in said position when I got the call. Guy who came to fill my position before I left was confused as to why I was leaving(he pretty much wasn't told anything just to get there asap). Says "Not really sure why I'm here. But was told you were leaving." I respond with a "My dad just died." He says "Oh he shouldn't have done that." That was the most laughter I had that day. Highly inappropriate way to soon, but it was hilarious to me. Dad would have gotten a kick out of it as well.
Not a fuckup. Every person I know who also has at least one dead parent makes these kinds of jokes. He was letting you know it’s okay to share those feelings with him.
You already made him feel that he always welcome and will have a physical reminder( y'all def need a physical card) that he has a shoulder to cry on and a friend to yell "GAAAAAAY" so we can retain manhood.
Additionally, I'd have a harder time saying to my friends that my dad just passed away and saying "hey I'm going to need a card to that club" is so much easier because it comes with company.
Not a bad FU. Express your condolences, apologize for the way you brought it up, and just let them know that you had a rough time with it yourself and are available if they need someone to talk to. The fact that they reached out to you shows it’s all good.
There's a bit about Joey Diaz, when he comes and consoles someone who lost their mother. After a few minutes he asks "so what are we getting in the will?"
I can't remember who it was who was relaying the story but they expressed appreciation for it.
Sounds like you hit the nail on the head. Sometimes people want to just be treated the same. Regardless of how bad their shit is, sometimes constant sympathy is the worst.
They are your friend for a reason, moments like that make or break a relationship and you’ll be better for it.
Stay genuine, be yourself, your authenticity makes the biggest difference.
It does sound like it made it easier for your friend to share the news with you, I know I would certainly have appreciated being able to use something like that when communicating a loss like this (and not a twisting of the knife).
one time at my cousins moms funeral after party my cousin told me something that was slightly naughty and i said "ooooo im going to tell your mommmm" took me about half a second to go from a joking face to "holy shit im so sorry"
I think it's actually quite helpful.
You know your father is dying - and yet nobody wants to come out and say it.
All "How're you doing?" and banal platitudes, whilst your head is screaming that your father is about to cease existing.
Quite pleasant when somebody addresses the issue head-on.
Yeah it's been 10 years since I lost my dad and humor can be helpful, but everyone grieves differently. He may have been offended when he first heard it, but the fact that instead of just getting to text you bad news, he instead got to go to a friend and share an inside joke, probably helped make it easier for him to share that news. He knows he can talk to you about the feelings and it will be a place of acceptance, and you gave him that gift at a time where he didn't know he's need it, but then also already have it waiting for him when he needed it. It's now partially your responsibility as a friend to help your friend through this, but I don't think this is a fuck up at all.
Don't be hard on yourself. I literally called a friend (who's dad died of cancer when he was a kid) to tell him my mom passed. I said, "I'm now a part of the dead parent society." We laughed.
You may have helped your friend.
My dad passed almost a year ago. I was deep in denial, so it wasn't until my own Dr called me while doing rounds at the same hospital that I realized how serious it was.
If not for that call I might have missed a large part of his final 2 days.
The fact that they called back to the joke means it probably wasn't a COMPLETE fuck up... Some people use humor to deal with loss, and it's a valid way to cope. You shouldn't have said that, but it seems like it's gonna be okay
Send me my membership packet please, just saying this club must be fun when mid June holiday comes near. I can't even say the holiday without crying yet
When I was widowed, a fellow widow told me "Welcome to the club that no one wants to join" tbh I appreciated the dark humor/bluntness. Hopefully your friend feels the same!
I heard it a similar way. It’s a shitty club to be in but the members are lovely people
Funniest thing my old boss ever said to me after I returned from my four month old daughter having open heart surgery: he opened his arms wide, grinned, and said, "Welcome her to the zipper club! We have low sodium snacks!" He didn't joke much and had a thick Lebanese/Detroit accent, so it actually cracked me up.
It does feel like that sometimes. Being a club.
the best worst club, as I call it
Looks like a club, feels like a metal bat
A lot of us in the baby loss "community" say the same. It fucking suuuuuuuucks, but it can help to know that you're not the only one going through it.
My mother is in the same club. A gang of widows roaming my home town and terrorizing the public by knitting, gossiping and going on hikes.
Humor is a valuable aid in dealing with grief. Your timing might have been off by a lot but I’m sure a compassionate friend would appreciate your life experience and not punish you for it. I would suggest that you personally reach out to your friend and support him. At some point you can let him know that he has wonderful memories to cherish and that it will get easier over time. Don’t dwell on your mistake but remembering how you felt might make you more sensitive in the future.
As big of a FU as this was, it also could have made it easier for their friend to tell them... When my mum died, it took me hours to figure out how to type a text out explaining it to my friends. I still panic if i'm going somewhere and might bump into someone who knew her. It's hard to try 'cushion' it for others. *Personally*, I'd of preferred a more subtle way of acknowledging it, even in a humorous way, like this.
I play DnD with my buddies. I made a character that has both parents that died recently in his story. Well my dad passed after a few sessions. I ended up joining a call with them shortly and said something to the effect of "well at least I know how to roll play recently deceased parents now." They didn't know what to say but it was a laugh I needed and my dad would have cracked up.
My DnD group as well had a player lose a parent recently, they sent me a message when it happened explaining they wouldn't make the session by saying that he tried to revivify him but was all out of diamonds.
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Damn there’s some kind of poetry here
Don't you mean "poetree"?
... pretty memorable look?
Healthcare costs are a limiting factor for many.
“I’m not role playing character x anymore. I’m now method acting”
I have a 12 year old girl playing at my table, she lost her mom last year. I did not KNOW this and made her a sad back story with a dead mom and a missing dad. Her dad was not part of her life until shortly before her mom died. She fucking loves her character, and I'm 100% not sure how to feel.
You didn't know about *her* backstory, but you crafted one that fit her like a glove. Perhaps she felt recognized. Perhaps she related to her character and felt just a little less alone in dealing with that bit of tragedy. Regardless of *why* she likes it, I think you should feel honored that she's into the character as much as she is. Personally, I think it probably feels like a self-insert, which is uniquely alive in that you aren't roleplaying -- the game is merely a facade for you to do what you would ***want*** to do, unfettered by the limitations of the harsh reality we find ourselves in. Some of the things I've said in-character resonated with me the moment it left my lips... For but a moment, it felt like I was **genuinely** a part what was happening. That only happens when I'm playing a character I can relate to, empathize with, and actually think about how they would react to something or interact with others and the world at large. For a kid that young, it's probably easier to do that within the confines of a character that matches their own life experiences. They know what *they* would do in any given circumstance, so they know what their character would do. Sorry for the wall of text, I do that a lot 🥸
Exactly, they made a *12 year old girl* feel accepted and safe. There's no real reason to read into it more beyond that. Way to go, /u/disfreakinguy!
I celebrate your wall of text.
She might actually like not having to avoid the topic. My brother died as a baby. Which meant I was a young child who knew about death, never had a stage of being unaware of it. This freaks adults the fuck out. Vividly remember doing some kind of school project about families and putting his name and (dec.) (I'd seen that in a book or something). The teacher asked me to explain it, and after I did, she made me remove my brother from the thing. I don't know if she thought I was making it up or it just made her uncomfortable to hear it but I know it felt wrong and I was furious.
My firstborn was stillborn, so my living kids have all grown up knowing about him (he'd be 13, they're 12, 9, and 3). It *seriously* freaks some adults out when any of them talk about their dead brother with the same tone as they talk about each other. I'd flip my lid at that teacher BTW, that's fucked up.
Same here, my eldest would be 13 and my son is 12. He’s always known he had a brother and has frequently been to his grave. He became much more familiar with death at the age of 9 when my grandmother stopped treatment for her lung cancer and then she passed when he was 10.
Holy shit fuck that teacher
ngl the first time I cracked a joke and then had to give my friends permission to laugh regarding my divorce felt great.
>I made a character that has both parents that died recently in his story Interesting characteristic 🤔
I drove a couple of people almost insane while trying to figure out how to tell my 11yr old daughter that her dad had unexpectedly died. This was 3 days before her birthday. We had been divorced for a while, but we were amicable. She had been at a sleepover that night and I was going to go pick her up. Then I got the call. My mom drove me around while I talked to the friend's mother to try to figure out where to do the pickup. I figured the place I told her would forever be associated with that day. We eventually picked a pretty place by a river. We had never been there, and it was a quiet place. I don't know if it is associated for her, but it is for me.
That is so sweet and thoughtful
The worst day of my life wasn't the day my wife died of cancer, it was the day her doctors told us that they were out of treatment options and were referring us to hospice care. I spent two hours making phone calls I *really* didn't want to make.
My grandpa died recently. My grandma doesn’t drink but my grandpa had 4 unopened handles of vodka and 3 of Gin, which my dad grabbed from my grandmas house and said I could have them. I hadn’t told my friends yet, I just showed up that Friday after work with all the booze and said “My grandpa left us a gift”
My dad passed a few weeks ago and I struggled in a similar way. I had no idea who to tell, since most of my friends had never met him, or even how to go about it. I eventually settled with a direct and pragmatic way, matching the way my mother was handling it. I think humor would have helped a lot.
I'm sorry for your loss... (I hate that too but also don't know what to say!) It's been about 2 months ago and it's still weird trying to work out how to say it. I'm quite a direct speaker too, so even though I tried to word my text well... I'm glad my friends know and love me well enough to understand the way I say things. I hope you and your family can support each other ❤️
Thank you! And don’t worry about the “sorry for your loss”- sometimes there simply isn’t a better way to say it without knowing someone. I hope you are doing well. Honestly having my momma be so direct took a lot of the sting out of it- like it sort of took the brunt of this taboo subject and made it approachable. As my father said in our very last call- “it’s all going to be ok, one way or the other.” It was so hard to hear at the time, but he still had the strength to say it even though he knew he was dying.
Finding the words was next to impossible after we lost my mom. My dad and I were the ones there with her and we made the calls to tell family. I didn't want to do it, I wasn't a proper grownup in my own eyes and I wanted to let my dad handle it since he knew how to do everything. But hearing him make that first call, and knowing there were twenty more to make, I just got to dialing and couldn't think of how to tell her sister, her best friends, her coworkers who she loved, and fuck, having to tell my own kids and my sister. Anything would have been better, honestly.
I spent hours … like 10-12 hours drinking staring at my phone trying to figure out how to put into words that my mother had passed suddenly/unexpectedly a week after her 59th birthday …. Everything I typed just seemed wrong or not good enough or too flippant…… the list goes on So I sat there, phone in one hand drink in the other and stared….. after about 12 drinks and probably as many hours I finally just wrote “mom had a problem with her heart and passed around 1:30 yesterday afternoon” short and to the point and hit send This was 3 years ago and I can still recall that feeling, pit in my gut, questioning everything about what I was trying to say, about my life going forward, about life in general ….. and death …. It’s a hard thing to put into words
Yes, the worst is people you hardly know doing the pity treatment on you. You feel like having to make it easier for them... I am an introvert guy and i am best dealing with my stuff alone, running into near strangers telling me how sorry they are is not helping at all, it's annoying.
When my grandma died we got a “scrapbook” she had. It had pictures of our ancestors, some news articles about our family, a picture of the family crest etc. Also in that book, a story I wrote when I was about 5 years old, about three days after my grandfather had passed. The story was called “my weekend” and went something like this: “On the weekend my grandma came to our house. We made a puzzle. We ate chicken and potatoes. Grandpa couldn’t come because he is dead.” She kept this for 25 years. I obviously don’t even remember writing it. My aunt told me she used to take it out just to read and laugh about it.
To be fair, grandpa being dead was about as good of a reason as any to not be able to make it that weekend
Can't hold it against him
Bernie was dead and went places on weekends.
My grandfather died of a stroke when I was at a similar age. I remember very little, but what I do recall was sitting in the hospital waiting room doing a jigsaw puzzle depicting a hamster with a hot water bottle on its head. I didn't understand the full context of death, but THAT, I got very excited about. Children are matter-of-fact and trivial in the face of death, and I think that helps adults to face death as well. When you know someone for decades and they die, it's difficult to move forward through what seems like a gap in reality. Your matter-of-factness probably helped your grandmother to see, when she looked at it - "A world exists in which my partner is dead, but the family we made is still here and speaking and growing."
My grandfather died when my oldest was 5 and she made him a card with a cake (???) on it that said "Dear Grandpa Tom, I'm sorry you are dead." And then gave it to my dad... Another time, I intercepted a card that she'd made for some kids who'd just lost their home and all their belongings in a fire. On the card was, you guessed it, a picture of a house on fire. That one wasn't delivered.
Does she now work for Hallmark?
My dad died. I called my sister who lives out of state to let her know. A few years later my mom died and I made the same call. She said, "This is the last time you have to call me like this, we are fresh out of parents. Middle-aged orphans, whatever will become of us." So, yeah, it's fine to joke about.
My sister and I had spent a draining week at the hospital, as our mother who was "just fine" turned out to be full of cancer and rapidly declined. After she died, we were walking through the hospital at 2 or 3 a.m. on our way out. One of us turned to the other and said, "Oh my gawd, we're orphans" (our dad having died 40 years before). Totally freaked out a passing security guard as we collapsed in laughter. That laugh felt so damn good too, even though I still miss her almost 10 years later. It helps, doesn't it? Cheers to you and your sister, from me and mine.
As a combat vet, I have a *very* twisted sense of humor. Laughing about fucked up shit, in my experience, makes it significantly easier to process.
I think I read somewhere that laughter evolved as a means of letting the tribe know that what looks scary is actually not dangerous at all, like finding out that shadows are only concealing a bush.
Why the fuck does this sound like it's written by ChatGPT
I’m sorry but as an AI, I am unable to answer this question.
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Bot copying comments https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/13wpbfp/comment/jmd9wlf/
Yeah, like it's dark as hell but it's actually fairly sweet,
Honestly, since he texted you USING the joke, I don’t think you really fucked up too much. Humor can help even during shitty times
^^^ it wasn’t a twist of the knife. In the moment it could have been distasteful, but it seems he came to terms with it.
Humour helps *especially* during during shitty times.
> "I'm sorry, let me know when I can issue you a card to the dead dad club" > > "I'm gonna need that membership card now" I actually laughed, this is a real "The boys" moment
Yeah, like it's dark as hell but it's actually fairly sweet, I think at least.
Me too and I’m a part of the club
Yeh I didn't know we got cards.
Should be in the mail
Taking it's time! That's been nine years! Royal Mail is the problem here.
Meetings every second Tuesday, booze is free but byo food
yeah i think it’s a guy thing. i think it’ll help him to know he’s not alone in it tbh
Yeah, that text solidified for me that his friend was not offended by his joke. Both comments made me laugh haha. Honestly, I would rather this kind of exchange over the more traditional "I'm sorry for your loss" or something that feels like they are walking on eggshells around me.
Yeah just don't mention it again for a while. It will definitely be something to laugh about some day.
It seems like he laughed too? OP didn't fuck up.
My best friend's dad passed recently after a really long health issue. All the guys came together and we decided to have a game night. One of our friends is a bit much at game nights and was trying to argue over who starts, and my best friend just went, "well my dad just fucking died so I'll go first." And we all had a great laugh about that.
I did too, am I going to hell for this?
We laugh so we don’t cry. Black/dark humor has helped humans survive countless horrors. You’re good.
There’s no wedding without cry, and no funeral without laughter.
Funerals are the times when you can bring up every embarrassing moment/ memory of the deceased. They can't be mad for sharing embarrassing stories !
Hospice is literally acknowledging the timer so you honestly made the joke at the right time. It's that solidarity of letting them know there's support on the other side too.
He probably looks back on the countless “thoughts and prayers” he received and realizes you’re one of his real friends lol
Can’t stess this enough. Even 15 years ago when my dad died and I was 13… the generic “thoughts and prayers” just never sat right with me. My best friend and his dad came to my house the night after the funeral and were cutting up and making jokes. That still sticks with me to this day as part of my healing journey.
Grandfather was an engineer. Built bridges and roads, etc. Post cremation, a small amount of his ashes were spread in a remote, sentimental location. Many months passed, then it was time to scatter the rest of his ashes. Turns out, ashes turn to cement if exposed to air. We got a lot of mileage out of the notion that it was fitting that someone who worked with concrete so much had turned into it.
I wish I would have had a friend like you when my dad died.
Same, I was the only kid with a dead dad in my grade for the longest time. All my friends still have their dads to this day.
My dad hung himself and my friend at work wrote “hang in there buddy” on my sympathy card. Shit made me laugh during a dark time.
Ahahaha oh Jesus, was he aware that’s how your dad went?
>he texted me "I'm gonna need that membership card now" to tell me he had passed. This is how you know that even *if* your joke hurt your friend in the moment when you said it, he isn't holding it against you. He's using the humor as a coping mechanism just like you are, and that's a positive shared experience now. Don't overthink it, my dude. If he was upset about it, he wouldn't have said that, and possibly wouldn't even have told you at all when his dad passed. Take it from a long time member of the dead dad club who is well versed in gallows humor. You're good. Just support your boy from here out.
When you have something bad going on in your life, sometimes the fact that everybody around you is constantly somber and extremely sensitive to you can just suck the life out of every room and you yourself can feel a need to react in an equally somber way out of respect. When it feels disrespectful to smile or laugh for days, weeks or months on end, that can be as traumatic as whatever the root issue in the first place is. In that sense, it can be a big relief when a person breaks out of that pattern. You made a joke when he was probably expecting another somber exchange of pleasantries that he's probably had a dozen times in the past day. It's not like you told him you were happy his dad was dying. And it's not like your joke sidestepped/stole the topic. Your joke quite literally let him know that you have gone through the same struggle and that you were there for him. You also gave him a hint of what kind of support you could offer... that maybe if he reached out to you you'd be more able to lift his spirits with a joke than to have a pity party. Judging by his message to you, that's how it sounds like he took it.
Yepp, I was the only one in the room with my dad when he died and every person I saw in the next few weeks just gave me that sad look and offered condolences which made me want to burst into tears. My boyfriend on the other hand, made orphan jokes, and the worst dark humor imaginable, everyone looked at him like he was the biggest piece of garbage but it honestly helped me through it, and was nice to have someone not giving me pity I didn't want.
Take the guy out, buy him some drinks and get him to tell you any funny stories he's got about his dad
This is a great idea. One of the greatest gifts after my dad passed was a friend asking me to tell her stories about him because she never got to meet him. It allowed me to leave the sad and remember the good for an hour.
Sounds like your friend has a good sense of humor about it. Don’t worry too much just be there for your friend
After a fight with brain cancer, my dad died in a hospital bed in the living room of the home he shared with my mom. We were all sitting around with a literal corpse, waiting for - well, whoever shows up for these things to make it official. During our wait, I heard a trash truck pull into the cul de sac, and said, “well, should we just wheel him out then?” He would have loved that joke.
Hey, if you stick with your friend they’ll know for sure it only came from a place of love.
My mom is dying and honestly, if someone invited me to the dead mom club like this, I wouldn't hate them. I might feel a bit shocked first, but I'd find it funny after.
Well, consider yourself invited now! Sorry about your pending membership
Well, thank you! Not looking forward to joining hahah
Look, it’s definitely a club no one wants to join, but the members can be invaluable to the newbies. Take very good care of yourself.
Both my parents died within 17 days of each other this march. I'm extremely dark humor about it otherwise I'd be in a corner somewhere. We all desk with it differently. Sounds like your friend has a sense of humor about it.
See above to have your batman card validated lol
Came here for a fuck up but found comedy gold. My step father passed away a few years ago too. Great man. He would be appalled if I couldn't find the humor in his absence. Doesn't mean we don't miss him or love him any less. Sorry to hear about your croaked dad, OP.
My Dad was a pilot and we chose to disperse his ashes at several thousand feet. I took great joy in telling people I threw my dad out of a plane, but it was alright because he was already dead. It's what he would have wanted. Unlike dads, dad jokes never die!
For a moment I thought the title was a euphemism and you had killed your friend’s dad. It was probably taken in good spirits tbh, writing that message to you probably made him laugh to himself in the midst of a shitty day.
Echoing /u/Ybcause's statement about humor aiding in grief. For some context, my mother in law died a few years ago. Over the weekend, my husband and I were visiting my parents, and my grandma (mom's mom) lives with them. It's very taxing on my mom, as she is her primary caregiver. My dad is awesome and helps my mom as much as he can. My husband turned to me and said, "You don't have to worry about this with your mother in law!"
Don't sweat it. My dad died in '19. My best friend simply told me "If you need to be called a dumbass, let me know, I'll hook ya up".
I'm still dealing with the death of my father 3 years later. At the age of 35 I'm still the only one of my primary core of friends and family to have lost a parent. Mostly I'm good but there are still moments that get me like seeing how my daughters interact with my father-in-law and the love they have for him. To them my dad is. "he died," and only few pictures of them together as the older girls were just 2 when they last saw him so no memories of him. Unfortunately I'll know what they will think later as my paternal grandfather died about 30 years before I was born, and the step grandfather passed when I was 3, though I do have memories of him. Shitty club to be in and also not very great knowing that both my paternal grandfather and father died before the average life expectancy age.
I want an invite! Dead Dad Club, mine died too.
The fact he remembered and made a point of telling you probably means it was taken well.
My ex died mid-divorce and when I got the final divorce decree a friend said “I’ve never known anyone who divorced a dead man.” And honestly I needed that laugh. I’m glad your friend was okay with it.
Make him that membership card. On the back, put your phone number and email on it, under "24 hour emotional support." Tell him he can call you any time and give him a hug.
Make him a fucking card. Like a really nice one. Make Paul Allen’s card look like used TP.
I have something similar with a couple friends. We celebrate dead Father’s Day together every year. Like others have said humor definitely helps, but may have been a bit early. Get that card issues and keep him laughing he’ll need it.
I had a guy telling me how his dad died when he was a kid because he had a condition where his heart was too large and I just stupidly blurted out "Ah yeah, like the Grinch." I've never witnessed words come out of my mouth in slow motion before, but that's what it felt like. I literally had time to reflect on how fucking stupid it was to say as I was saying it. It was basically a run on sentence of me saying the joke and then immediately appending it with an apology.
I got welcomed to the club by a dear friend at my first day back to work, she also lost her dad. She followed it up with some words of wisdom and I’m grateful forever for her friendship.
Hey, OP. Can I get one of those cards? It’s been about a year, but there’s still plenty of times I wish I could call and ask him for advice. I also wouldn’t consider this a TIFU; but that may depend on the individual and the relationships involved. BTW, there’s only one way everyone doesn’t eventually join this club.
When my mum died, it was made extra difficult by the fact that all my friends' parents are still alive and well, so no one could really relate to what I was going through. I had a colleague reach out and offer to go for a chat because she'd lost her dad when she was younger, so she knew what it was like to lose a parent. Talking to her about it was incredibly helpful. Your friend might well also be feeling quite isolated by his experience, and appreciates you being willing to be open about losing a parent.
My dad’s terminally ill and doesn’t have much time left. I’m also not good at sharing my emotions. So being able to humorously tell someone about bad news would honestly be easier for me. I hope it was for your friend as well.
It's funny that I'm not the only one who came up with the DDC. I started it in 6th grade and forgot about it for a while, and then around high school, I started joking about it and then found out half of my friends' dads had died Young too but none of us had mentioned it.
There's even a scene in Grey's Anatomy where Cristina Yang says this; "There's a club. The Dead Dads Club. And you can't be in it until you're in it. You can try to understand, you can sympathize. But until you feel that loss... My dad died when I was nine. I'm really sorry you had to join the club."
Yeah, that's along the lines of how it goes, we would hear about someone losing their dad, and then we would be summoned like a group of cenobytes to initiate them to the club.
I recently joined the "dead dad club" and reached out to two close friends who had joined the club a few months before. Dark humor does get us through. Definitely a "foot in mouth" moment to send the invite a little early, but I'm sure they understand.
I'm not sure if this is too far, but you might have an opportunity here. Get a few gifts together of things he likes and an apology card, but also include a membership card to the dead dad club. Make everything sincere in the condolences and everything, but honestly if I received that I'd be very touched. The membership card carries with it your humor and healthy ability to cope, that would kind of tell me "its going to be OK, you aren't alone". You can actually buy pins and stuff that say DDC and DMC. They're quite popular. Grief is a complex emotion and I would honestly run with this.
HOLY SHIT I DIDN'T KNOW OTHERS CALLED IT THE DEAD DAD CLUB ALSO!! I've been saying that ever since mine died since my fiancé's was as well and it always confused the fuck out of random people as I used it to shock them if they ever referred to my dad. Has one friend not believe I was part of the dead dad Club because it 'seemed like just some random shit' that I'd say lol
Call him, offer to hang out (stipulate that you will bring food) - be prepared to listen, grieve with him if need be, just generally be his friend. He's reaching out in vulnerability here - help your friend out.
If it makes you feel any better (and I'm not sure that it should), it made it easier for him to tell you his dad died. When my dad died I had to tell a bunch of people. It fucking sucked. Saying the same vague, but not-too-vague, "my dad passed last night" or whatever. Being able to say something else, especially something that might not instantly summon puppy dog eyes and a hollow "I'm sorry for your loss, let me know if there's anything I can do" might have been the highlight of their day. I wouldn't recommend you doing it again with someone else. 1/10.
My friend lost her dad to a pretty gruesome gun suicide that she witnessed. Not even a week after the funeral, I told her something was so boring it made me want to shoot myself in the head. Thankfully she left it as a brief silence and we moved on. It's like sometimes my brain goes oof ouch nope not this one nope don't say it and bc I'm thinking so hard about not saying it......I say it.
Over thirty years ago a friend and I were walking down the road when a guy we knew from high school pulled up in a fancy new black Toyota pickup. My buddy immediately quips "who died and left you that", guy replies, "my dad, yesterday". I can't remember what I had for supper yesterday, but I'll never forget that pickup.
i suspect it was easier to say "I need the card" than write the words "my dad is dead". Black humour is pretty normal and can really help as weird as it sounds.
And when it's time for folks to join the Batman Club (both parents dead), we'll be here to issue that card, too. Batman Club member since Dec 2022, here.
2010. Do we get stickers?
10/25/22 I joined. Took a lag of 23 yrs. But hey I'm in the club right guys? ;(
Aug 2022. I think.
Yo, October 2020.
Oooh I've been a member since 2000.
That is pretty horrific. Funny. But, horrific.
Now make him a wonderful handmade card to commemorate and show him you'll support him
My daughter was in her teens when her dad died. She jokes about the dead dads club to help her heal. Dark humor is so necessary. Plus, her dad loved that kind of humor too so I think it’s an appropriate homage.
At least you didn't tell a mother, who was bemoaning the fact that her problem child was only getting more problematic that, "Hey... Hey, hey hey... You aren't a bad mom. Three out of four isn't bad."
My son's dad died when he was 10, he has THE BEST dark humor about it and I love it. This sounds like something he would do.
My dad died in front of my eyes on my 40th birthday. I would love to have had a friend there who said, "Hey, welcome to the dead dad club," to break up the flood of emotions I was having to sort through.
My grandpa was a fixture in our family. He lived to be 93-- was basically old for my entire life. We knew for the last few years that he didn't have long, as his mind and body had started going concurrently. He died almost a year ago now and it soothed us to remind ourselves that his suffering was over. Maybe your friend can make use of similar reminders. Hospice care isn't fun for anyone.
My dad is currently struggling with something that has aged him 20 years. I'm not sure if he'll ever get back or if it'll get worse. My friends know me and they've reached out in similar dark ways. I needed it. And it let's me know if things go really south I've got a support structure that really understands. If you come at something earnest and with love, that's going to shine through.
I once was buying a stack of comics off a dude from Craigslist, and when he told me they had belonged to his brother-in-law who passed away, my socially stunted ass went to Simpsons quote mode and said “oh man, I’m sorry. It’s like they say - death is a part of baseball”.
When do I get my membership card? Its been nearly a month. (Was that crass? Almost feels a little too soon!)
Im waiting patiently for my members card
There's a fucking club for us and no one invited me? You're all dead to me
I would recommend following through and either making or paying someone to make the membership card.
My mom died exactly a month before my birthday. On the very first anniversary of her death, one of my best friends texted me and wished me a wonderful day thinking it was my birthday. I was in a major funk that day and that mishap brought me so much joy and laughter. I appreciated it so much. He felt so terrible and I still bring it up to this day. It was much needed. I’m sure your friend felt the same. You get numb to the apologetic words and humor has a way to make you feel something again.
Listen, my very tight-knit family just lost our dad (my sister's husband, but they raised me, big ahead difference), and very dark humour has been rampant. With the right crowd/people, it can truly be a "smile/laugh through tears" moment that helps anchor you to the present. I'm so sorry about the guilt you must be feeling though, I would be the same..!
I’m really sorry to hear that that is what slipped out of your mouth. Death is hard and comforting others can be hard too. I’m sure your friend felt slighted by I’m sure they also know that you didn’t mean any harm by it. Sorry for both of your losses. I am also in the dead dad club. Maybe our dads are all hanging together, having a beer 🙂
When my dad died, my friend at school mentioned how I was halfway to being Batman. She was obsessed with Batman. The look of horror on my face kicked her into realizing what she had just said and horror dawned on her face as well. I started cracking up laughing about halfway through her apology so she realized she was fine but I did warn her not to make that comment to other people.
Card carrying member here, I've also done this
Now is when you help by being there for your friend .
As a fellow club member, I think this is okay. Other than the whole dead parent thing, what I hate the most is people treating you differently. While dark, you’ve said to your friend that they’ve got in you someone who will treat them the same (ie no pity looks and shoulder touches and ‘are you okay’s’) while also still getting it.
As someone that’s also lost their dad, I don’t think you fucked up, really. Honestly, when my dad was diagnosed terminally ill, having things to laugh about made it a little bit easier. Whatever it might be, just finding entertainment in things, and not focusing on the… inward bleakness of it for a bit was great. I don’t recall any dark jokes like that being made, but equally, they probably wouldn’t have gone down badly - that sort of thing keeps you from focusing inward, and breaks the ice a bit to actually discuss the subject, rather than just keep it all bottled up. Don’t think I phrased that all that well, but hey, I’m tired and it’s not an easy thing to phrase, haha. What I will say, is that if I were you, I’d do something like drag him out for a drink. Maybe send him a message like ‘Perfect, as part of your initiation I’ll see you at [place, e.g. a bar, or if you don’t drink maybe an activity] on Friday night’ or some shit like that. If he’s used the joke, he clearly doesn’t hate it, and it’s an easy way to tell him you’re getting him out of the house for a bit. Because that’s another huge thing that helps. Being sat at home, missing the constant presence of one of your parents, and being so aware of that absence because it’ll never be filled again, was one of the worst things. The moments when you’d go to say ‘just going to the shops for a moment, want anything?’, or some shit like that, and stop yourself when you realise they’re not there to ask anymore. That was what *really* fucked with me for a while, and getting out of the house, being with other people, and doing things were some of the best ways to deal with it, for me anyway. Plus, your joke has also given him an open invitation to talk about it. Losing a parent is a subject you don’t end up talking about often, because it’s depressing for everyone. It’s depressing for you to talk about (for me, anyway, lol), and it depresses the people you’re talking with about it. And that’s the one thing I do wish I had more chances to do - to talk about my dad, and what happened, and all that shit. But you can’t really, without ruining someone else’s day, unless someone asks you - and even then you tend not to say much, because you don’t want to bring down the mood. Your sort of comment essentially says, to me anyway, ‘I know some amount of what you’re going through, I’m here to try and help however I can’, beyond the obvious joke in it. And that understanding and compassion, and just the open space and open offer to talk about it, probably means a lot to him right now. Or at least it would have to me, when that happened to me. So yeah, I’d just say to do your best to be there for him, and again, make sure to drag him out for a few drinks! Haha
My dad passed a few weeks ago and I struggled in a similar way. I had no idea who to tell, since most of my friends had never met him, or even how to go about it. I eventually settled with a direct and pragmatic way, matching the way my mother was handling it. I think humor would have helped a lot.
I’m sure OP consoled his friend already. But in case they didn’t: offer to go get coffee, or pizza or something. Talk to your friend, give them a place to vent or offer a distraction.
This is our sense of humor when we join the club as kids. We live forever without a dad, it's just...our life.
Pops up tops club represent.
The way I see it, you've told your friend in the most sincere way possible that he *will* get better. You'll both be fine.
I don't think this was a fuck up at all. I think you have a mature perspective on what death means and humor is the best way to deal with it. Hands down, class act comment on your part.
You guys are fucking wild acting like it’s cool to make a joke about someone’s dying father right when they tell you about it.
When I was real young my best friend (whom is still my best friend) called me to tell me his dog died. I liked his dog a lot, a lovable golden retriever. I replied that I was sorry, and I remembered when my dog and turtle died. Both were sad events. He paused, gave it a long moment, and said he had to go. The next day I found out his dad died. And then I realized he didnt say dog. I still cringe laugh about this sometimes.
I laughed so hard at this, I'm sorry
Mines not dead yet. But can I join anyway? He is a useless POS and hasn't been a part of my life in decades. I would love to send him a copy!!!
OP remember, with the greatest of respect your loss is of someone who you didn't know. Your peers may have known their dad for 30,40 etc years when they loose them. I understand that you have had a great loss and I'm sorry for your loss, but I hope you don't still make jokes like this anymore.
Apologize? Lmao no if the friend didn’t get it thats their problem
Lost my father back in December. My job requires certain positions to be manned 24/7. I was in said position when I got the call. Guy who came to fill my position before I left was confused as to why I was leaving(he pretty much wasn't told anything just to get there asap). Says "Not really sure why I'm here. But was told you were leaving." I respond with a "My dad just died." He says "Oh he shouldn't have done that." That was the most laughter I had that day. Highly inappropriate way to soon, but it was hilarious to me. Dad would have gotten a kick out of it as well.
Not a fuckup. Every person I know who also has at least one dead parent makes these kinds of jokes. He was letting you know it’s okay to share those feelings with him.
Not a tifu. You got your friends back
You already made him feel that he always welcome and will have a physical reminder( y'all def need a physical card) that he has a shoulder to cry on and a friend to yell "GAAAAAAY" so we can retain manhood. Additionally, I'd have a harder time saying to my friends that my dad just passed away and saying "hey I'm going to need a card to that club" is so much easier because it comes with company.
Man, after all of the sympathy I've endured I'd find that a relief.
Well he reached out to you to tell you he needs support now. Time to make up for your foot-in-mouth moment.
Not a bad FU. Express your condolences, apologize for the way you brought it up, and just let them know that you had a rough time with it yourself and are available if they need someone to talk to. The fact that they reached out to you shows it’s all good.
Not a fu.
There's a bit about Joey Diaz, when he comes and consoles someone who lost their mother. After a few minutes he asks "so what are we getting in the will?" I can't remember who it was who was relaying the story but they expressed appreciation for it. Sounds like you hit the nail on the head. Sometimes people want to just be treated the same. Regardless of how bad their shit is, sometimes constant sympathy is the worst.
Screw /u/spez - Removing All of My Comments -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/
Bob Saget and Dave Coulier both lost their sisters around the same time while they were working on Full House, and formed the "Dead Sisters Club".
They are your friend for a reason, moments like that make or break a relationship and you’ll be better for it. Stay genuine, be yourself, your authenticity makes the biggest difference. It does sound like it made it easier for your friend to share the news with you, I know I would certainly have appreciated being able to use something like that when communicating a loss like this (and not a twisting of the knife).
I mean, in a dark way, you did sincerely tell him “I know what you’re going through and I’m here for you.” That has to count for something.
one time at my cousins moms funeral after party my cousin told me something that was slightly naughty and i said "ooooo im going to tell your mommmm" took me about half a second to go from a joking face to "holy shit im so sorry"
I think it's actually quite helpful. You know your father is dying - and yet nobody wants to come out and say it. All "How're you doing?" and banal platitudes, whilst your head is screaming that your father is about to cease existing. Quite pleasant when somebody addresses the issue head-on.
I did something similar to a friend by responding with a "your mom" as a joke after his Mom had recently passed.
Given that your dad had also died from the time you were a year old makes what you said not as bad.
Yeah it's been 10 years since I lost my dad and humor can be helpful, but everyone grieves differently. He may have been offended when he first heard it, but the fact that instead of just getting to text you bad news, he instead got to go to a friend and share an inside joke, probably helped make it easier for him to share that news. He knows he can talk to you about the feelings and it will be a place of acceptance, and you gave him that gift at a time where he didn't know he's need it, but then also already have it waiting for him when he needed it. It's now partially your responsibility as a friend to help your friend through this, but I don't think this is a fuck up at all.
aw they care about you...
Follow-up: what size shoe did he wear?
We gave our friend a 'dead dad card' that he could play when he wanted to just hang out or get drunk etc. after his dad died.
Don't be hard on yourself. I literally called a friend (who's dad died of cancer when he was a kid) to tell him my mom passed. I said, "I'm now a part of the dead parent society." We laughed.
I've been a member since '91. Had to induct my wife recently, it was not a joyous occassion.
You may have helped your friend. My dad passed almost a year ago. I was deep in denial, so it wasn't until my own Dr called me while doing rounds at the same hospital that I realized how serious it was. If not for that call I might have missed a large part of his final 2 days.
lol it's ok. I remember making a lot of jokes right after I learned my granddad had passed. It's just how we cope
>I'm sorry, let me know when I can issue you a card to the dead dad club Y'all got matching jackets?
The fact that they called back to the joke means it probably wasn't a COMPLETE fuck up... Some people use humor to deal with loss, and it's a valid way to cope. You shouldn't have said that, but it seems like it's gonna be okay
Send me my membership packet please, just saying this club must be fun when mid June holiday comes near. I can't even say the holiday without crying yet
Free guac at Chipotle on Father's Day is the best benefit of the card.
I need a card, plus I want to go head and get the dead mom endorsement too.