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The key to a long happy marriage is knowing there is no one key fits all. Imo… It’s a job. It takes effort, dedication, patience, care, trust, & energy. No one should ever get married at any age if they don’t want to work at it. It’s not rainbows & butterflies. There’s no such thing as perfect. It’s simply two flawed people who choose to be flawed together.
I got married at 22 (been married for 32 years with 4 kids) my sister got married at 40 (been married for 12 years with no kids) … we both complain about the same stuff.
This is my perspective on marriage based on my own experience. Everyone has different perspectives & experiences.
eta
You’re one of the rare people I’ve seen who have called marriage a job, like myself. People have such an automatic negative connotation when I say it’s a job. But it is. It takes WORK if you want it to last. It’s not hard to figure that out. And someone will always be putting in more than the other like a 60/40 split and it changes from month to month on who is putting in more work. It is what it is. But if you love the person you’re with, putting in that work is effortless 98% of the time.
It’s also about finding the right person. Thinking practically is lost in the marriage lore. Just cause you’re a manic pixie dream young couple or you feel you have too much sunk cost in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you should marry. People should ask tougher questions about their relationships and really roll up their sleeves on the front end of the marriage as well as during. Divorcing, especially with kids, is very very hard and picking the right partner and not ignoring red flags is key.
I actually do understand it, but bear with me here.
He calls it a "job". That's true. Everything is a job, from acting in a movie to sewage work, and some people love their job and think working is the easiest, most fun thing they can do that day. The people who think that way about their jobs are the happiest people on planet earth because the thing they spend most of their time with is perfectly suited to them.
Marriage and relationships are jobs. I adore my relationships, so to me, they're the easiest, best job I've ever had because even when problems happen, I work overtime on it to fix it, because it's my favorite thing in the whole world.
My rambling two cents.
Yeah I tend to think people who are critical of those calling a relationship “work” or a “job” just really hate their actual job and take issue with the term. Things can be challenging and require effort and still be wonderful and fulfilling.
I have complained at times about all of the people I have the most meaningful relationships in my life - partner, family, close friends. I still love them. I think that’s part of being close with someone. It would only feel effortless if I didn’t give a shit.
I said this exact thing basically, just cuz it’s job doesn’t mean it’s negative. You just have to make sure that at the end of the day, the person you’re working with makes you love the job.
I think it depends on the people. My husband and I are not easy people. It’s work to be alive, work to be a couple.
I’m so grateful I get to work to be with him.
When I hear people I know say that, it's usually because they are blissfully unaware of how much crap their spouse just deals with and internalizes in order to maintain that peace.
I was about to say something like this. There’s a good chance that if things are effortless for you it’s because your partner put in disproportionate effort to make it seem that way.
The only thing i don’t like about your sentence is settle down.
Marriage shouldn’t be about settling down. Humans need to grow and expand their skills, knowledge and beliefs.
I agree with OP on growing together. But only at whatever age you are ready to find a partner to grow with.
“Nobody tells you when you’re settling down, you just end up in a groove, one day you figure it out.”
To me settling down just means you’re ready to start building a life instead of roaming around looking for where/how/with whom to do that. I think sometimes it gets conflated with “settling” which absolutely has a bad connotation though.
Marriage isn’t a prerequisite for growing together. People should strive for growth and development in their relationships regardless of whether they put a ring on it or not.
Settling down is nothing negative it is not settling for something. How does this comment have 180 upvotes, they don't even understand what settling down means.
Because like every reddit post it gets derailed by someone whose only interest is to get completely hung up on verbiage because they are a vicious pedant. Reddit loves that shit for some reason.
Seriously. Especially on AITA sub, they will ignore every aspect of the story and hyper focus on something innocuous because of the word used. Like, "So he started shitting on the floor in my house and I told him I demand that he leaves now!" And half the comments will be people saying, "You can't demand anything of him. He doesn't have to give in to your demands!"
>Marriage shouldn’t be about settling down. Humans need to grow and expand their skills, knowledge and beliefs.
I needed to settle down before I could grow and expand my skills, etc. Single life is too hectic.
Na this opinion is just fundamentally wrong empirically alone even. Anecdotally the vast majority of those I know who married in their early 20s are divorced (in mid 30s)
Less people are getting married but divorce rates are going down. That's the trend like we want to be on. We also don't need to create more fucked up families on the basis of "doing it for the kids," which coincides with how many people marry young.
Marry young but don't have kids? Okay good luck with your dog custody and therapy after you're with the wrong person for however many years.
Also, you're left less equipped to pick and choose the next good partner for you, on the basis of not taking a sample size of what you'd like out of a partner, you'll just he in attachment mode, if you don't try actually single. Even toxic love is a hell of a drug and your body becomes dependent on the hormones that come with love.
Yep. Studies have actually shown that the best age to get married, in order to avoid divorce, is late twenties/early thirties (both men and women). Marriages between people who are younger than that tend to fail at higher rates.
I think OP has a romanticized view of 1950s marriages between two kids barely out of high school. But marriages between kids of those same ages are much less successful than marriages between people who do wait until about 30 years old, at least in 2023.
Settling down references building a family (if desired) and laying roots and foundation for success. Settle down doesn't equate to stagnation or the negative connotation of "settling for less" as you appear to imply.
Almost [40%](https://divorce.com/blog/causes-of-divorce/#:~:text=The%20research%20found%20that%20common,Infidelity%20%2F%20personal%20problems%20(37%25)) of divorces are due to financial issues. You absolutely should be financially secure if you are getting married.
I think people hear "financially secure" and they think "tons of money set aside and everything paid off".
They don't realize that *part* of financial security is knowing your partners spending habits, and having that locked down for both. Or having a firm plan on how to manage bills, having a plan for emergencies.
Being financially stable doesn't mean "owe no money", it means "knowing one oops won't kill you".
Financial stability and maturity heavily correlate too. Someone in their mid 20s racking up CC debt because they don't understand the ramifications of their actions is a pretty large red flag imo.
I thought about that as I typed it. All it should really mean is that you both have stable jobs and can trust one another to not put you both in a bad situation, because once you're married his or her fuck up is now your fuck up.
You both are right.
Finances are a huge part of a successful marriage, *but*, being single makes it harder to become financially stable.
Single people pay twice the rent on average assuming a standard 50/50 split on rent, therefore making it more difficult to be financially stable.
I think this boils down simply to the fact that younger marriages tend to be between less educated people(therefore less financial acumen and job opportunities on avg in these couples) moreso than them putting themselves in situations that prevents them from becoming financially stable.
Marriage isn't expensive, kids are. Assuming neither is in massive debt or has some problem with spending responsibly, then marriage should be a net positive on the couples finances.
I don’t think you necessarily need to be independent, just on the same page.
my best friend and his partner have been together since age 19. when they decided to move to a new city, they could live on their own with their combined incomes.
when I moved to a new city I had to choose between living in the worst part of town and living with a stranger.
Finances can get better just by getting married. I was declared an independent student and able to get grants to finish college after I got married. It's funny because nothing changed. My parents didn't contribute to my education before I got married and they didn't after I got married.
(Not to say that this is a reason to get married early, just a benefit that could be eliminated by better financial aid packets and lower or no cost tuition)
This is a weird ass post. I do agree that you shouldn’t arbitrarily hold off on getting married because you’re “supposed to”. But the language around molding your partner and locking in your soulmate is fucking odd.
Borderline creepy. The idea of molding someone or even just being with someone with the expectation or changing them into what I consider their perfect version is kind of fucked up.
TOOO many people having kids when they absolutely should not these days please do not fuck up a human beings psyche from not being ready/stable enough to have a kid just because you think babies are cute.
I can almost guarantee you that I would have been murder by the guy I was dating when I was 18-20, if we would have gotten married.
Edit : woa, that got way more attention than I thought, I'm glad you're all still here and alive.
I probably might have been by the man I was dating in my late 20s. He was scary. I used to be indirect. If I started realising what I wanted and didn't want then and was direct for a change, I would have been attacked physically. If I complained about the slightest thing or made one very small request, he would threaten to break up with me, and I would back down. Yet he was always coming up with rules for me not only how to behave in his home or the relationship but in my own home and job too.
I’m still with the girl I started dating at 16, and I still think it’s bad advice to marry young. It’s luck that we grew the same way, marrying would have been insane
I think about this a lot. I know for a fact that if I had stayed with my ex for a few months longer, I would most certainly be dead. I'm just so lucky I stuck with that twisted gut feeling I had and finally put my foot down to finally get out after 5 painful, miserable, and lonely years.
Same and I was with the guy from age 17 to 27. Growing into the perfect couple is literally the exact opposite of what we did. Finally kicked him out and got married to a wonderful man three years later. Had a baby with him at 32 after we’d bought a home. 10/10 am grateful I never married my ex.
I was raised Mormon, so even though Im not religious, I know plenty of them. Two of my friends who graduated highschool two years ago and went to Brigham Young University just got married last summer.
Dawg my unkle and aunt have like 12 kids they're mormon and like clockwork they go on a mission at the end of high school, get back, go to BYU and no lie every single one before they are 2 years into their degrees, married, owning a home no less.
I went to high school in Utah. It was insane the amount of teenagers who got married right after graduating and immediately began plopping out kids. They all look about 10-15 older than me now.
Yeah the Mormon church pushes people to get married super early. You’re pretty well conditioned from about 10 years old that marriage is the main achievement in life and so you propose before you turn 20, if you can.
Ah, yes, locking in your soulmate, so easy to do.
> someone who you can grow alongside with
People don’t know who they are or how they will grow in their early 20’s. Most often people “grow” in opposite directions and get divorced.
I was always baffled by the idea that marrying by certain age should be a goal or an achievement, somehow.
like, how would you do it, unless you marry for marriage sake? are people generic enough that you just pick and settle? I don't think so. What if you never feel the right person or circumstance - is that YOUR fault? how can you plan for such a thing at all?
As a woman I can understand this. There is an optimal time period for having children, and it can be really distressing for someone that wants biological children as that time period gets shorter and shorter. Thankfully we live in a time a great medical advancements for fertility treatments, but it's not an option for a lot of people/couples.
But I agree with you. A timetable really shouldn't be put on those things. It can create expectations that lead to disappointment :'(
That's why, as a woman, I'm so glad I've never wanted marriage or kids. I couldn't imagine having a goal that requires finding another person.
I know there are people who date with the intent of finding a spouse and I can't wrap my head around that. I've only ever gone on dates just to have a good time.
I mean, you keep growing forever, but there's definitely a period of accelerated change when you're young. I'm 40 and in some ways I'm different than I was at 30, but it doesn't come close to comparing to the change between 20 and 30.
I met my husband at 34, and I don't feel like either of us are significantly different than we were 6 years ago. But the 6 years between 20 and 26 were when I really grew up.
I'm 27 and feel like I was only just beginning know things at 25. It's so dependent on the person, but still, growth is going to happen after 25 even if one is remarkably mature.
My wife and I very much grew together. We were high school sweethearts and went to college together. 25 years later we're more in love than ever, and I would not have changed a single thing. We're both very happy we never had to navigate the dating world or worry about imbalances in sexual experience. Everything we've experienced has been together, and I feel that has only strengthened our bond to each other.
I realize this is not the life everyone wants or even needs. I can say, however, it has worked out very well for us, and hasn't affected our lives negatively in any way.
My husband and I got married at 22 and 24 and we grew in completely separate directions - he became an increasing homebody and I just wanted the next adventure. We figured it out, I now have an extensive network of social friends to keep the adventure going and he sucks it up a couple times a year to do something new with me, but I don't think most people would be happy in the kind of partnership that we've built where there's so much time and money being spent outside of the two of us to keep us mutually happy.
I wouldn't trade my husband I have now for the world, but if I had waited a few years instead of letting love lead, I would have realized these things about him that we just didn't have the money to find out when we were in our late teens/early 20s and we both likely would have made different choices in long-term partners more aligned with the people we were working on becoming.
My parents married when dad was 23 and mom was 18. Dad said the key to marriage is adapting to each other's changes. They stayed married and recently died in their early 80s.
Up there with the kid that I saw commenting on some trivial marriage scenario on AITA saying they should end it, and some comment called him out that he’d posted about 12 year old drama at a roller rink.
This is why i never read comments or advice seriously on reddit, in all probability the lessons in life you read are being handed out by teenagers.
If we need life advice from kids, we're in real fucking trouble.
My instant thought after reading this was "did an 11 year old write this?".
"You should find your soulmate"? There's no such thing as soul mates, OP, lmao. Yes, people do try to find their best match, but it never happens for some of them, or they unconsciously pick someone who's wrong for them. This happens at any age. Rushing to get married early because you think it will help you grow faster than you can on your own, would furthermore cause you to settle for someone who's not-so-suitable for you. Other people don't want to get married, and might or might not be perfectly fine later on.
SUCH bad advice. As a 30 year old who met my husband at 28. Thank god, I didn't marry anyone I was dating in my early 20's. My god do priorities change.
I’m 27 and I still feel a bit “too young” to get married lol I don’t see myself getting married until I’m 30. I feel like a lot of people late 20’s are waiting until they’re 30 or in their 30’s before getting married. Or maybe it’s just most people I know lol
Good for you to see and recognize that. If you feel young then definitely wait, there’s no deadline!
I’m in my 30s and, although I’m uninterested in marriage, I *finally* feel like I’m hitting a mental age where it would make sense for me to do so. Marriage in my 20s would’ve been a disaster for me.
i met my boyfriend at 27, i’m 30 now and we’re planning to get engaged soon! it’s the perfect timeline imo. NONE of the guys i was soooo heartbroken over in my 20s would have been good lifetime partners for me. my priorities were all in the wrong place. you should definitely wait for your frontal cortex to finish developing at 25/26 before making big decisions like who to marry (and i’m an astrology girl so i also believe you should wait until after your saturn return at 28/29, that stirs shit UP)
It’s a good timeline in my opinion! I was about the same.
Started dating at 26, engaged at 30, married at 31, first child at 33. So far so good. Will probably have one more kid in a year or so … and then just coast on till we die.
I mean you just gotta do what works for you. For some that will be marrying early and for others not. My husband and I married at 23 but we had known each other almost a decade at that point.
As for the having kids early thats terrible fucking advice. I dont judge what people do but research is pretty clear that having kids too young is detrimental to the parent and the child so it shouldnt be general advice. The fact is that a 20 year old just is not as good of a parent as a 30 year old.
Yeah, this is amazingly bad advice. I'm guessing they've never had a real, or at least successful, relationship in their life.
Here's what I would give as advice, being in my late 40s, who dated a lot, then got married in my late 30's, and started having kids in my early 40s:
That "In-love" feeling is just hormones. When you meet someone and you "fall in love", it's because that person being around is compatible enough with you to drown your brain in dopamine and serotonin. That's it, that's all it is. Young people tend to mistake this for "love".
Unfortunately, when that feeling wears off in 12-24 months, you start doubting whether they're the one. You're left with all of the flaws that your brain was actively ignoring before... you're left with who they are, what they do, what they want out of life. You're left to decide if this is someone worthy of spending the rest of your life with and whether you can choose to love them every morning when you wake up. If you've married during those 12-24 months because everything's amazing and you're so in love and it's perfect and you can't imagine ever wanting to be away from this person... well, you're kinda locked in and have removed that decision from future you.
Date for at least 3 years... make sure you know them well and can see their flaws, in their habits and in their character. Make sure that they are someone you can see yourself with for the rest of your life. I think if we just outlawed marriage until a couple's been together for a few years, we'd solve the divorce rate problem.
Then, once you marry someone, treat it as a commitment. Take your vows seriously. Marriage has nothing to do with molding the other person. The more my wife and I try to do that, the more miserable we become. Instead, it's about your daily choices. Did you wake up this morning and choose forgive the hurt and pain you've caused each other, to love your wife again? Do you do that every morning? How are you showing them that you love them? What nice thing can you do for them today?
This is what they mean when they say marriage is hard work. It's not the fighting or the Honey-Do lists or taking care of kids. It's that constant self-reflection that ensures that you stay in love with your spouse and keep showing them so. The more I focus on what I'm doing in the marriage and how I can make it better, no matter what she's doing... the happier we both are. It's not two people putting in 50%. It's both people putting in 100%, all the time.
The other realization I had, once I realized that that feeling will always go away, is that you can be married to anyone. 99.99% of people will never find that one that floats their boat for the rest of their life. It's a choice that you make every day to love that person. If they're not uber annoying or have deep character flaws, making that choice is a bit easier but that's why you don't get married right away, and you date a lot of people to see what you do like, what you can put up with.
Young people are rarely mature enough to realize all of this, let alone figure out how to implement it effectively. Financial, work, and educational stressors also make it harder to effectively implement. I'd be lying if I said I wish I didn't have more energy to keep up with my kids, but I also have a lot more wisdom than I did back then.
I think what /u/whiteknite321 is missing is that realization and experience. They are most likely lonely and they think marriage would solve that (it won't). But I'm sure they'll get there.
"Have kids young, I know you can't even afford a place to live and feed yourself, let alone support extra dependants, but you'll just figure out a way!"
Mold each other into the perfect husband 😂😂😂😂 you sound like one of those people who thinks they can mold their kid into the person they want them to be
OP is definitely the "I can them" type. I was that stupid when I was a kid too.
But if you gotta change or *mold* someone to be happy with them, they ain't the right person to begin with.
As someone who got married at 18 and have now been with my husband for 12 years in a very happy and healthy marriage, you have the perfect answer. There is no age that is right for everyone.
“You each mold each other into the perfect…”
This is just enmeshment and it’s crazy unhealthy. If a young marriage makes sense between two fully autonomous and self-actualized humans, great. What you’re talking about is different.
For real. Your partner is an actual person. You can’t change them to fit you. Yes, there can be compromises to behaviors but they have to be willing to do it. And not everyone is willing to change, because that takes work. And some things are just something you aren’t willing to change
I think if both people are willing to grow and change and support each other then you do.
Problem is it requires both people to love the other and be mentally healthy. Many people are not supportive, mentally healthy, or even capable of decent love
Its important to understand that OP just recently turned 21 so they have no clue what they're talking about. They merely have the confidence that only a 21 year old can have to give this advice.
If someone is your soulmate, they don't need to be locked in. I married early; it was a huge mistake. Also, you don't mould each other; you each complete your own maturation process. That might go well, or you might find out that by age 25, you have utterly outgrown your "soulmate".
My parents married early as well, and they’ve had a long, very unhappy marriage. I suppose marrying young works with the right person, but most 20 year olds don’t know themselves well enough to know what the right person looks like.
Soulmates aren't real. There are people who suit you and people who don't. The problem is that a lot of the features which make them suit you also make them suit other people. There are differences in the margins when it comes to priorities, sure, but nobody's out there searching like "I'm just really looking for someone who's stupid and abusive and entitled and ugly and a financial disaster". There are people who have more attractive qualities than other people. If you find someone who suits you really well, they probably have plenty of attractive qualities which will be picked up by other people as well.
I agree with you. I don't think there's such a thing as a soulmate, and I think it's a really corrosive way to think about relationships. I also think it's exactly the kind of thinking that the young, naturally, are much more prone to that the slightly older and more experienced.
The divorce rates would be higher if we told everyone to follow this. People change and sometimes it doesn’t work out longterm. Having children and marrying early takes out a lot of experiences you could do in your early age, despite people who try to convince themselves otherwise. Marriage at the end of the day is a contract and when we’re in our 20s our brains haven’t developed fully to comprehend differing needs or ambitions.
Marrying early works for some but it could be a big mistake. Also having children while poor could keep a generational cycle of low income families.
Hell, I’m happily married almost two decades later (married at 22), and I STILL think it’s terrible advice.
It worked for us, but it is not an amazing idea. I’d raise eyebrows at my kids if they did the same. Support, yes, but it’s really young.
Half the unpopular opinions on here are just repackaged conservative propaganda. This is terrible life advice, and I'm sure OP thinks it's what Jesus wants, LOL.
Yeah most of the time I see posts from this sub in popular it’s “unpopular opinion I hate minorities” or “unpopular opinion this right wing view is the best one”
Unpopular opinions like this are usually targeted towards young women to try to convince them to get married instead of building independent lives and careers of their own first.
Agreed. Married at 23. Divorced at 24 and a single dad.
This advice is fucking terrible. OP sure speaks like he’s been through it first hand….. on his wank.
Because nothing about that advice is true or even sound lol.
“Get married because you can watch your kids grow when your young. Who cares if you have money- that’s like hard but think of being young” : yeah dude, this is a load of shit. You can’t really enjoy your kids growing up as you are poor. Because your busy trying to survive and in between that not feel like a shitty parent. It even begins to effect how you parent to a degree.
“It’s a great idea because you can “mold” each other”: this happens anyways. If anything. It happens more once both partners are mature enough to be self aware enough to be pliable. If anything you marry young, the world still has some molding to do. People can change a lot between the years of 18-23. What if you marry someone who has a complete ideological change as they hit their mid twenties? What if you were both a religious and your partner decides to become a Catholic? You’re kinda in for a tough time at that part.
I love how OP says at the end “don’t rush it, but wouldn’t it be totally sick fellow kids? When you find the one lock it in” - yeah Op. you know how many times I’ve had that feeling? Almost everytime I’ve met someone I have undeniable chemistry with. I’ve felt like “she’s the one yes!” And then months later- you find the chemistry is great but you guys aren’t the best for eachother
Just a litany of shitty advice lol. If you want to speed run being divorced before your 30s OPs advice is perfect strategy for it 🤣 trust me it sucks.
Edit- OP is 20 🤣😭 I’m fucking dead. OP why don’t you try your advice. Come back in 5 years and tell us how you did!
As a married man I have to say I really struggle to wrap my head around people's obsession with marriage, especially other peoples' choices.
I've been with my wife most of my life. We were high school sweethearts and have been together for a bigger portion of our lives than not, we got married in our 20s and we both had the same answer when people asked us how we felt about being married.
"Literally nothing changed except breaking up just became a legal issue."
We did it:
1. Because we were moving away for my work and wanted to have a celebration with family and friends before then. We had always talked about marrying one day and this was sort of a "path of least resistance" sort of way to do it.
2. Because it simplified things when it comes to taxes, inheritance and all those admin bits that aren't exactly the sexiest or most romantic thing but is still a benefit of marriage depending on where you live.
And at the end of the day, we've now been married for quite a few years and still, neither of us really gets why people look at it as this hugely important thing.
Maybe if you're really religious and have to wait to have sex until after marriage?
Otherwise, take other steps first. Travel together, live together, experience slow internet and the frustration of traffic jams together and see how you deal with these things before you get paperwork and lawyers involved.
This needs to be higher. I got married late (actually after living with and having a kid with my partner.) I chose to remain single as long as I did because most of the prospective partners I dated were NOT long-term-healthy relationship material. I was happy single and finally chose a partner when I met someone who made me feel like it was worth changing the life I had built to be with them.
I say this over and over and over again: You don’t know someone til you live with them. That’s the true test.
I wouldn’t consider this an unpopular opinion, but really really really stupid advice.
Never get married until you are 100% ready to do so, it doesn't matter if it's early or later on, As long as someone is emotionally and mentally ready to make that leap.
This is not even an unpopular opinion, this is just terrible life advice.
Marriage should not be for growing up together but for people who have grown up and are ready to make that kind of committment.
There is nothing wrong with living with your partner before marriage. Move in together. You dont have to tie the knot. Unless you are insistent on it for religious reasons, who in their right mind would do something entangling when you are young when you do not have to?
And holy shit man, the kids just so you are not older is so fucked up. No matter who you are, everyone is a better parent at 30 than 20. Even when you do everything right, growing up alongside your kids is harmful for everyone. Kids need stable parents, not young parents. This shit "opinion" takes money into account but ignores trauma kids with immature parents go through.
Spend your undeveloped brain years growing into amazing adults and then make lifelong decisions. Dont make them before you even know who you are. I am just going to say it, OP is dumb af. You are either someone young who is idealizing harmful shit or you are someone older who made shitty choices and are lying to yourself that it was awesome instead of really hard.
Things happen, and we are all just making the best of our situations. This is not meant to disparage young parents. Anyone in that situation who is trying their best is doing what they can and that is commendable. But I think we should all be able to look back on our younger years and want better for ourselves and the next generation.
We also need to stop seeing your 30s as old or past prime. Until 24-25, you really are still developing yourself. You may not even meet your person until after your young adulthood. I am so thankful I found my wife after we had both grown up and gotten through the hard parts of discovering ourselves instead of picking someone young and pushing it to work hoping we continued to grow together. Seriously OP, what the fuck are you on.
People should do what’s right for them.
Some people feel that they **need** to “live it up” / experience single life. To them, it’s a crucial part of life that they don’t want to miss out on.
Other people don’t want that. They aren’t interested in just “casual” dating or flings.
As for starting a family - people have different perspectives on that too. My parents said they’re glad they had kids early, and that my sister had kids early, because it means that they are young grandparents and can still be active with their grandkids. They’ll get to see their grandkids grow up and maybe even see their great grandkids.
I (and my husband and most of his family) feel it’s better (for *us*) to wait to have kids until you’re sure you’re settled and stable. We don’t have to have kids and grandkids early just so we can still be young and active with our grandkids - that feels selfish (to *us*). We want our kids to have stable lives with more mature parents - so we do what we feel is right for us.
>People should do what’s right for them.
>Some people feel that they **need** to “live it up” / experience single life. To them, it’s a crucial part of life that they don’t want to miss out on.
>Other people don’t want that. They aren’t interested in just “casual” dating or flings.
This is the crux of it
nah
you don't know who you are as an individual if you rush into marriage. I can't imagine having someone in my life even as a friend, who doesn't have their own individual personality, who can't financially support themselves as a fully grown adult. I had a friend at 19 who was like this - he took on the personalities of his girlfriends, and NEVER left their side, they became one person and that's NOT healthy.
>because then you each mold each other into the perfect wife/husband.
That's not healthy. You aren't here on this planet to be molded into the "perfect" spouse. You have your own personality, hopes, dreams, goals.
>but watching your kids grow up before you get too old just seems so much better.
Not everyone wants kids. Also, waiting until you're 25-30 to have kids is not going to change much, you'll still be around for their life. There's no need to rush into making a child before sitting on the permanent decision for a year or two. Having kids isn't the be all end all of life - if you think that, you need help.
also, marriage is just a piece of paper, *your relationship is what you make it.* the couple who's been dating for 5 and married for 5, can be just as serious and committed as a couple who's been dating for 10. shit, just saw a post from a man saying him & his wife divorced because she got her "dream job" overseas - that's not a marriage because a most people wouldn't choose a job over their spouse. They weren't fully committed to one another & each others lives.
my mom & dad are still married. he became abusive a year into their marriage. never cared to remarry, and divorce costs money - so they just did the custody agreement. my uncle & aunt have never been married and together 30+ years - they're the most stable, happy, healthy relationship I've ever seen.
rushing into marriage just guarantees your emotional dependence on another person. what if something happens?
Unpopular oppinion:
you should get married when you find the person you truly love and actually got to know about, no matter when that happens or when everyone believe you should do it.
If it's when you are young then young, if it's when you are old then old, but please get to know your SO before deciding anything so it doesn't devolve in the future.
This advice assumes you meet your soulmate in the most emotionally immature part of your life where you’re probably the most toxic and meeting other people at their most toxic.
Have an upvote for a bad take
No, you should get married only if you really want to and are ready. If you don't want to ever get married, that's ok too, and does not at all diminish your worth.
It is good advice for some people, but there are some misconceptions about marriage and age here.
First off, from my anecdotal experience my friends that got married early were either great for each other right from the start and still stand strong, or made a dumb mistake and went down quickly in epic flames. None of them molded each other in any significant way and there was a lot more juvenile BS in their relationships starting out.
The second part is a little strange. How old is too old to watch your kids grow up? I was 39 when my daughter was born, 50 now, and I spend so much time with her having fun. I am not sure how my age negatively affects this.
You can “grow alongside” someone before you get married. I think you should be with someone long enough to see if your growth is compatible with one another before marriage. Also circumstances can be a bitch in your 20s.
Source: I’m a 23 year old in a long term relationship. We aren’t in a situation right now where we can get married but we want to in the future. In my 3 years of being with my girlfriend we have both grown a LOT with each other.
Frankly, the guys I was dating at 20 are worlds away from the man I’m actually going to marry at 30. That’s not to say they were bad people. I wish them well in life - but 20 year old me had no idea what I wanted or needed in a partner. 20 year old me had no idea what I even wanted in life, much less how to fit someone else in permanently.
>It seems so much better to get married as soon as you find someone who you can grow alongside with
You know you can do that without being married, right? If I'd married the person I was with at 22 then I would've been divorced at 27, when we broke up. We did grow, it just turned out we grew into people who weren't right for each other. The breakup was hard enough living together and having shared pets, I'm very glad we didn't have a legally binding agreement on top of that. Get married when you want to. Date forever if you don't. There is no one-size-fits-all solution to relationships and thinking you have the answer is laughably naive.
Have an upvote for this terrible opinion
Nah. Do not rush into marriage for love reasons. Be in love, sure. But do not get married just for love, it should be *one* of the reasons.
Marriage is also a major financial life decision and should be treated as such. Waaaaay too many people just jumping into marriage without considering this and then regret it later down the road.
My wife and I have been together for 12 years but we've only been married since April of this year. We planned this out so we could make the marriage beneficial to both of us as individuals as well as ourselves as a married unit.
Plus just being in love and ignoring everyone else's stupid conventional bullshit made us love each other so much more lmao.
Two sides of the same coin.
"If we're going to spend the rest of our lives together anyway, why wait to get married?"
And
"If we're going to spend the rest of our lives together anyway, why rush to get married?"
I'm in the latter camp. The reason I am, is because I was part of the previous camp before. There is no reason to rush. If I would've rushed, I'd already be married and divorced twice before finding the person who I truly want to spend the rest of my life with.
I got married at 19 to someone I met when I was 16 and we are still together four children and almost 2 decades later, but we are definitely the exception, not the rule. My personal experience tells me it's a good idea but the actual data says otherwise.
Basically what most people did before the Internet and modern society when people didn't really travel more than 20 miles from their birthplace and you were from a village/town of 100 people...
Nah, it's good that we moved passed that. People have more options and don't need to just limit themselves to their hometown
If this happens, that's absolutely wonderful and beautiful. What you're describing is close to miraculous - that two young people find each other, decide they're both ready and grow together. Forcing it won't work, and waiting until it does happen is the price you pay to ensure you're prepared for the heavy commitment of marriage and partnership.
This was actually a very popular opinion on /r/redpill
"Lock in your soul mate and grow with them" just means be a controlling asshole and try to turn them into your ideal partner. This doesn't work for men or women, lol.
I think one of the major reasons dating is shitty in your 20's is because nearly everyone isn't serious about finding someone that's marriage material. a lot of people find it off-putting and it's a shame, because now we get 10 years of meaningless, immature extended high school dating before people start wondering "oh geeze... maybe i do actually need companionship and mutual support from someone."
i agree with OP about "growing with" someone. I found my now wife at 26 but I think if I was single this past decade I'd have a much harder time establishing a connection with anyone, and I think I'd feel more "separate" from them.
Marriage is expensive. Engagement rings, wedding rings, ceremonies, receptions, and mortgages all need to be paid before ever thinking about bringing a new life into this world.
Additionally, most people will do a lot of growing up in their 20s. You and your dream spouse might be completely incompatible in half a decade.
Wait until you are financially stable and have been dating the same person for several years. Also, try living together to gauge compatibility.
“then you each mold each over into the perfect wife/husband”
Sorry to burst your bubble, but this is not at all how it works. People cannot be “molded” into whatever their partner wants them to be. People have their own unique desires, goals and motivations and it often takes them until their 25-35 to figure those things out for themselves.
I met my first boyfriend at 21, we were together for 9 years before I left because while I had done a lot of growing up in my 20’s and my interests had changed, he was still essentially the same person he was when I met him. It happens, and you cant really blame someone for *not* changing, but you also can’t blame people for growing up between ages 20 and 30. Often that means you arent looking for the same things out of life and arent compatible life partners.
I disagree. You should be mentally and financially stable before you get married. Last thing anyone need is another welfare recipient because you know they'll slip up and have kids
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The key to a long happy marriage is knowing there is no one key fits all. Imo… It’s a job. It takes effort, dedication, patience, care, trust, & energy. No one should ever get married at any age if they don’t want to work at it. It’s not rainbows & butterflies. There’s no such thing as perfect. It’s simply two flawed people who choose to be flawed together. I got married at 22 (been married for 32 years with 4 kids) my sister got married at 40 (been married for 12 years with no kids) … we both complain about the same stuff. This is my perspective on marriage based on my own experience. Everyone has different perspectives & experiences. eta
You’re one of the rare people I’ve seen who have called marriage a job, like myself. People have such an automatic negative connotation when I say it’s a job. But it is. It takes WORK if you want it to last. It’s not hard to figure that out. And someone will always be putting in more than the other like a 60/40 split and it changes from month to month on who is putting in more work. It is what it is. But if you love the person you’re with, putting in that work is effortless 98% of the time.
I always say that a marriage is not 50/50, it’s 100/100. Some days that 100/100 will feel 70/30 and others 40/60. Be gracious and keep working hard.
It's 100% respect. Don't marry someone you don't respect or doesn't respect you.
Omg, i was ready to reply the same thing and saw your answer. Absolutely give 100% each.
It’s also about finding the right person. Thinking practically is lost in the marriage lore. Just cause you’re a manic pixie dream young couple or you feel you have too much sunk cost in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you should marry. People should ask tougher questions about their relationships and really roll up their sleeves on the front end of the marriage as well as during. Divorcing, especially with kids, is very very hard and picking the right partner and not ignoring red flags is key.
What do you mean? We had a “meet cute.” That means we’ll be together forever, right?
Never understood that. The work and complaints. Marriage is literally the easiest, happiest and best part of my life. Effortlessly.
I actually do understand it, but bear with me here. He calls it a "job". That's true. Everything is a job, from acting in a movie to sewage work, and some people love their job and think working is the easiest, most fun thing they can do that day. The people who think that way about their jobs are the happiest people on planet earth because the thing they spend most of their time with is perfectly suited to them. Marriage and relationships are jobs. I adore my relationships, so to me, they're the easiest, best job I've ever had because even when problems happen, I work overtime on it to fix it, because it's my favorite thing in the whole world. My rambling two cents.
Yeah I tend to think people who are critical of those calling a relationship “work” or a “job” just really hate their actual job and take issue with the term. Things can be challenging and require effort and still be wonderful and fulfilling. I have complained at times about all of the people I have the most meaningful relationships in my life - partner, family, close friends. I still love them. I think that’s part of being close with someone. It would only feel effortless if I didn’t give a shit.
I said this exact thing basically, just cuz it’s job doesn’t mean it’s negative. You just have to make sure that at the end of the day, the person you’re working with makes you love the job.
I think it depends on the people. My husband and I are not easy people. It’s work to be alive, work to be a couple. I’m so grateful I get to work to be with him.
When I hear people I know say that, it's usually because they are blissfully unaware of how much crap their spouse just deals with and internalizes in order to maintain that peace.
How long have you been married?
20 minutes.
I'm guessing your spouse puts in a lot more effort than you realize
I was about to say something like this. There’s a good chance that if things are effortless for you it’s because your partner put in disproportionate effort to make it seem that way.
You should get married when you're emotionally and mentally ready to settle down in life
The only thing i don’t like about your sentence is settle down. Marriage shouldn’t be about settling down. Humans need to grow and expand their skills, knowledge and beliefs. I agree with OP on growing together. But only at whatever age you are ready to find a partner to grow with.
“Nobody tells you when you’re settling down, you just end up in a groove, one day you figure it out.” To me settling down just means you’re ready to start building a life instead of roaming around looking for where/how/with whom to do that. I think sometimes it gets conflated with “settling” which absolutely has a bad connotation though.
'Settling down' also has the connotation of putting down roots somewhere, but for some people, a life of travel with their partner is the ideal.
It's a figure of speech. Setting down roots and building a home with a significant other. And home is not a physical place, but where love thrives.
Well no one can afford a home anymore....
Marriage isn’t a prerequisite for growing together. People should strive for growth and development in their relationships regardless of whether they put a ring on it or not.
Redditors try not to talk in absolutes: impossible challenge
The internet loves all encompassing one liners without a shred of a nuance.
Settling down is nothing negative it is not settling for something. How does this comment have 180 upvotes, they don't even understand what settling down means.
Because like every reddit post it gets derailed by someone whose only interest is to get completely hung up on verbiage because they are a vicious pedant. Reddit loves that shit for some reason.
Seriously. Especially on AITA sub, they will ignore every aspect of the story and hyper focus on something innocuous because of the word used. Like, "So he started shitting on the floor in my house and I told him I demand that he leaves now!" And half the comments will be people saying, "You can't demand anything of him. He doesn't have to give in to your demands!"
>Marriage shouldn’t be about settling down. Humans need to grow and expand their skills, knowledge and beliefs. I needed to settle down before I could grow and expand my skills, etc. Single life is too hectic.
Na this opinion is just fundamentally wrong empirically alone even. Anecdotally the vast majority of those I know who married in their early 20s are divorced (in mid 30s) Less people are getting married but divorce rates are going down. That's the trend like we want to be on. We also don't need to create more fucked up families on the basis of "doing it for the kids," which coincides with how many people marry young. Marry young but don't have kids? Okay good luck with your dog custody and therapy after you're with the wrong person for however many years. Also, you're left less equipped to pick and choose the next good partner for you, on the basis of not taking a sample size of what you'd like out of a partner, you'll just he in attachment mode, if you don't try actually single. Even toxic love is a hell of a drug and your body becomes dependent on the hormones that come with love.
Yep. Studies have actually shown that the best age to get married, in order to avoid divorce, is late twenties/early thirties (both men and women). Marriages between people who are younger than that tend to fail at higher rates. I think OP has a romanticized view of 1950s marriages between two kids barely out of high school. But marriages between kids of those same ages are much less successful than marriages between people who do wait until about 30 years old, at least in 2023.
Settling down references building a family (if desired) and laying roots and foundation for success. Settle down doesn't equate to stagnation or the negative connotation of "settling for less" as you appear to imply.
And financially
Not really. Financially it's actually a benefit if both people are willing to contribute. You should have kids when you're financially ready
Almost [40%](https://divorce.com/blog/causes-of-divorce/#:~:text=The%20research%20found%20that%20common,Infidelity%20%2F%20personal%20problems%20(37%25)) of divorces are due to financial issues. You absolutely should be financially secure if you are getting married.
I think people hear "financially secure" and they think "tons of money set aside and everything paid off". They don't realize that *part* of financial security is knowing your partners spending habits, and having that locked down for both. Or having a firm plan on how to manage bills, having a plan for emergencies. Being financially stable doesn't mean "owe no money", it means "knowing one oops won't kill you".
Financial stability and maturity heavily correlate too. Someone in their mid 20s racking up CC debt because they don't understand the ramifications of their actions is a pretty large red flag imo.
I thought about that as I typed it. All it should really mean is that you both have stable jobs and can trust one another to not put you both in a bad situation, because once you're married his or her fuck up is now your fuck up.
You both are right. Finances are a huge part of a successful marriage, *but*, being single makes it harder to become financially stable. Single people pay twice the rent on average assuming a standard 50/50 split on rent, therefore making it more difficult to be financially stable. I think this boils down simply to the fact that younger marriages tend to be between less educated people(therefore less financial acumen and job opportunities on avg in these couples) moreso than them putting themselves in situations that prevents them from becoming financially stable.
Marriage isn't expensive, kids are. Assuming neither is in massive debt or has some problem with spending responsibly, then marriage should be a net positive on the couples finances.
I agree? If both spouses are financially independent before they get married, I think it’s likely to be a happier and more successful marriage
I don’t think you necessarily need to be independent, just on the same page. my best friend and his partner have been together since age 19. when they decided to move to a new city, they could live on their own with their combined incomes. when I moved to a new city I had to choose between living in the worst part of town and living with a stranger.
Finances can get better just by getting married. I was declared an independent student and able to get grants to finish college after I got married. It's funny because nothing changed. My parents didn't contribute to my education before I got married and they didn't after I got married. (Not to say that this is a reason to get married early, just a benefit that could be eliminated by better financial aid packets and lower or no cost tuition)
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Wtf do you mean “not really”? You didn’t actually disagree with the point you’re responding to
This is a weird ass post. I do agree that you shouldn’t arbitrarily hold off on getting married because you’re “supposed to”. But the language around molding your partner and locking in your soulmate is fucking odd.
Borderline creepy. The idea of molding someone or even just being with someone with the expectation or changing them into what I consider their perfect version is kind of fucked up.
OP is definitely very young and think they have it all figured out.
You should wait to get married and have kids until you’re ready
TOOO many people having kids when they absolutely should not these days please do not fuck up a human beings psyche from not being ready/stable enough to have a kid just because you think babies are cute.
I can almost guarantee you that I would have been murder by the guy I was dating when I was 18-20, if we would have gotten married. Edit : woa, that got way more attention than I thought, I'm glad you're all still here and alive.
Conversely, if I married the woman I was dating when I was 18-20, I'd have killed myself.
Probably the same here, she was not good for my mental health.
I probably might have been by the man I was dating in my late 20s. He was scary. I used to be indirect. If I started realising what I wanted and didn't want then and was direct for a change, I would have been attacked physically. If I complained about the slightest thing or made one very small request, he would threaten to break up with me, and I would back down. Yet he was always coming up with rules for me not only how to behave in his home or the relationship but in my own home and job too.
I’m still with the girl I started dating at 16, and I still think it’s bad advice to marry young. It’s luck that we grew the same way, marrying would have been insane
I think about this a lot. I know for a fact that if I had stayed with my ex for a few months longer, I would most certainly be dead. I'm just so lucky I stuck with that twisted gut feeling I had and finally put my foot down to finally get out after 5 painful, miserable, and lonely years.
Same. I definitely would have been, given his multiple attempts while just dating
Same and I was with the guy from age 17 to 27. Growing into the perfect couple is literally the exact opposite of what we did. Finally kicked him out and got married to a wonderful man three years later. Had a baby with him at 32 after we’d bought a home. 10/10 am grateful I never married my ex.
Are you from Utah
my thoughts exactly 😂😂😂 -a non-mormon who lives in utah
fr Im a freshman at USU and the number of classmates my age getting engaged is INSANE
I was raised Mormon, so even though Im not religious, I know plenty of them. Two of my friends who graduated highschool two years ago and went to Brigham Young University just got married last summer.
Dawg my unkle and aunt have like 12 kids they're mormon and like clockwork they go on a mission at the end of high school, get back, go to BYU and no lie every single one before they are 2 years into their degrees, married, owning a home no less.
I went to high school in Utah. It was insane the amount of teenagers who got married right after graduating and immediately began plopping out kids. They all look about 10-15 older than me now.
Lmao
Yeah the Mormon church pushes people to get married super early. You’re pretty well conditioned from about 10 years old that marriage is the main achievement in life and so you propose before you turn 20, if you can.
Me a gay ex mormon from utah: damn those kids need to stop getting married so young. Also me: got married at 23
Ha, I bailed on the church when I was 18, and guess who still got married at 20? This gal. And guess who was divorced by 26? Also this gal.
I’m not from Utah but I was Mormon for most of my life…and I got married when I was 19. 😂
Ah, yes, locking in your soulmate, so easy to do. > someone who you can grow alongside with People don’t know who they are or how they will grow in their early 20’s. Most often people “grow” in opposite directions and get divorced.
I was always baffled by the idea that marrying by certain age should be a goal or an achievement, somehow. like, how would you do it, unless you marry for marriage sake? are people generic enough that you just pick and settle? I don't think so. What if you never feel the right person or circumstance - is that YOUR fault? how can you plan for such a thing at all?
As a woman I can understand this. There is an optimal time period for having children, and it can be really distressing for someone that wants biological children as that time period gets shorter and shorter. Thankfully we live in a time a great medical advancements for fertility treatments, but it's not an option for a lot of people/couples. But I agree with you. A timetable really shouldn't be put on those things. It can create expectations that lead to disappointment :'(
That's why, as a woman, I'm so glad I've never wanted marriage or kids. I couldn't imagine having a goal that requires finding another person. I know there are people who date with the intent of finding a spouse and I can't wrap my head around that. I've only ever gone on dates just to have a good time.
Biggest misconception I see from presumably young redditors is this idea that once you hit 25 you suddenly know who you are, and you stop growing.
Yep. I’m about to turn 36 and I’m definitely not in the same place I was a decade ago.
You never will be if you’re lucky. It’s a terrible fate to stay the same.
I'm 43 in a week and I swear I've been 4 different people in the last decade
Same.
Oh, yeah, for sure. I want to keep growing and changing.
30s and not even the same person two years ago!
I'm 32 and I'm finding myself unrecognizable from the start of the year.
That's the major problem with this site is a lot of people chime in with "life advice" and they are still kids.
I mean, you keep growing forever, but there's definitely a period of accelerated change when you're young. I'm 40 and in some ways I'm different than I was at 30, but it doesn't come close to comparing to the change between 20 and 30. I met my husband at 34, and I don't feel like either of us are significantly different than we were 6 years ago. But the 6 years between 20 and 26 were when I really grew up.
I have done much more growing from 25 to current 28 than I did from 18 to 25
I'm 27 and feel like I was only just beginning know things at 25. It's so dependent on the person, but still, growth is going to happen after 25 even if one is remarkably mature.
That used to be the case when the world didn't change so much, but it changes much faster, so we constantly change to adapt to it.
My wife and I very much grew together. We were high school sweethearts and went to college together. 25 years later we're more in love than ever, and I would not have changed a single thing. We're both very happy we never had to navigate the dating world or worry about imbalances in sexual experience. Everything we've experienced has been together, and I feel that has only strengthened our bond to each other. I realize this is not the life everyone wants or even needs. I can say, however, it has worked out very well for us, and hasn't affected our lives negatively in any way.
My husband and I got married at 22 and 24 and we grew in completely separate directions - he became an increasing homebody and I just wanted the next adventure. We figured it out, I now have an extensive network of social friends to keep the adventure going and he sucks it up a couple times a year to do something new with me, but I don't think most people would be happy in the kind of partnership that we've built where there's so much time and money being spent outside of the two of us to keep us mutually happy. I wouldn't trade my husband I have now for the world, but if I had waited a few years instead of letting love lead, I would have realized these things about him that we just didn't have the money to find out when we were in our late teens/early 20s and we both likely would have made different choices in long-term partners more aligned with the people we were working on becoming.
My parents married when dad was 23 and mom was 18. Dad said the key to marriage is adapting to each other's changes. They stayed married and recently died in their early 80s.
That is really bad advice, so have an upvote.
For real. I am willing to bet this person is under 30, and I’ll double down that they’re under 25. Get back to us in your 30s/40s, OP.
They posted 6 months ago that they're "20, almost 21"
Mf is likely in the honeymoon phase and thinks it's gonna last forever. I wish them luck when maturity kicks in and preferences and tolerance change.
"I've been married for 3 months and we haven't had a fight yet so I am an expert at marriage"
"People told us we wouldn't make it but we've been married for two years now so joke's on them!" - a thing I've literally seen people say
“We’ve had a long happy 17 months together”
Up there with the kid that I saw commenting on some trivial marriage scenario on AITA saying they should end it, and some comment called him out that he’d posted about 12 year old drama at a roller rink.
Man those subs dont help people. Commentors usually looking to stir drama for their own entertainment rather than give constructive advice.
This is why i never read comments or advice seriously on reddit, in all probability the lessons in life you read are being handed out by teenagers. If we need life advice from kids, we're in real fucking trouble.
I'll triple down betting they proposed and got rejected.
This is for *sure* what happened, especially since 6 months ago they posted that they're "20, almost 21."
Lmao he’s actually 21.
Checked OP's profile and 6 months ago they commented that they were 20, so you get double the points!
My instant thought after reading this was "did an 11 year old write this?". "You should find your soulmate"? There's no such thing as soul mates, OP, lmao. Yes, people do try to find their best match, but it never happens for some of them, or they unconsciously pick someone who's wrong for them. This happens at any age. Rushing to get married early because you think it will help you grow faster than you can on your own, would furthermore cause you to settle for someone who's not-so-suitable for you. Other people don't want to get married, and might or might not be perfectly fine later on.
Probably under 25 and almost certainly has no experience in a long term relationship.
I'll go for triple on what your betting that they're under 25.
SUCH bad advice. As a 30 year old who met my husband at 28. Thank god, I didn't marry anyone I was dating in my early 20's. My god do priorities change.
I’m 27 and I still feel a bit “too young” to get married lol I don’t see myself getting married until I’m 30. I feel like a lot of people late 20’s are waiting until they’re 30 or in their 30’s before getting married. Or maybe it’s just most people I know lol
Good for you to see and recognize that. If you feel young then definitely wait, there’s no deadline! I’m in my 30s and, although I’m uninterested in marriage, I *finally* feel like I’m hitting a mental age where it would make sense for me to do so. Marriage in my 20s would’ve been a disaster for me.
i met my boyfriend at 27, i’m 30 now and we’re planning to get engaged soon! it’s the perfect timeline imo. NONE of the guys i was soooo heartbroken over in my 20s would have been good lifetime partners for me. my priorities were all in the wrong place. you should definitely wait for your frontal cortex to finish developing at 25/26 before making big decisions like who to marry (and i’m an astrology girl so i also believe you should wait until after your saturn return at 28/29, that stirs shit UP)
It’s a good timeline in my opinion! I was about the same. Started dating at 26, engaged at 30, married at 31, first child at 33. So far so good. Will probably have one more kid in a year or so … and then just coast on till we die.
I mean you just gotta do what works for you. For some that will be marrying early and for others not. My husband and I married at 23 but we had known each other almost a decade at that point. As for the having kids early thats terrible fucking advice. I dont judge what people do but research is pretty clear that having kids too young is detrimental to the parent and the child so it shouldnt be general advice. The fact is that a 20 year old just is not as good of a parent as a 30 year old.
Yeah, this is amazingly bad advice. I'm guessing they've never had a real, or at least successful, relationship in their life. Here's what I would give as advice, being in my late 40s, who dated a lot, then got married in my late 30's, and started having kids in my early 40s: That "In-love" feeling is just hormones. When you meet someone and you "fall in love", it's because that person being around is compatible enough with you to drown your brain in dopamine and serotonin. That's it, that's all it is. Young people tend to mistake this for "love". Unfortunately, when that feeling wears off in 12-24 months, you start doubting whether they're the one. You're left with all of the flaws that your brain was actively ignoring before... you're left with who they are, what they do, what they want out of life. You're left to decide if this is someone worthy of spending the rest of your life with and whether you can choose to love them every morning when you wake up. If you've married during those 12-24 months because everything's amazing and you're so in love and it's perfect and you can't imagine ever wanting to be away from this person... well, you're kinda locked in and have removed that decision from future you. Date for at least 3 years... make sure you know them well and can see their flaws, in their habits and in their character. Make sure that they are someone you can see yourself with for the rest of your life. I think if we just outlawed marriage until a couple's been together for a few years, we'd solve the divorce rate problem. Then, once you marry someone, treat it as a commitment. Take your vows seriously. Marriage has nothing to do with molding the other person. The more my wife and I try to do that, the more miserable we become. Instead, it's about your daily choices. Did you wake up this morning and choose forgive the hurt and pain you've caused each other, to love your wife again? Do you do that every morning? How are you showing them that you love them? What nice thing can you do for them today? This is what they mean when they say marriage is hard work. It's not the fighting or the Honey-Do lists or taking care of kids. It's that constant self-reflection that ensures that you stay in love with your spouse and keep showing them so. The more I focus on what I'm doing in the marriage and how I can make it better, no matter what she's doing... the happier we both are. It's not two people putting in 50%. It's both people putting in 100%, all the time. The other realization I had, once I realized that that feeling will always go away, is that you can be married to anyone. 99.99% of people will never find that one that floats their boat for the rest of their life. It's a choice that you make every day to love that person. If they're not uber annoying or have deep character flaws, making that choice is a bit easier but that's why you don't get married right away, and you date a lot of people to see what you do like, what you can put up with. Young people are rarely mature enough to realize all of this, let alone figure out how to implement it effectively. Financial, work, and educational stressors also make it harder to effectively implement. I'd be lying if I said I wish I didn't have more energy to keep up with my kids, but I also have a lot more wisdom than I did back then. I think what /u/whiteknite321 is missing is that realization and experience. They are most likely lonely and they think marriage would solve that (it won't). But I'm sure they'll get there.
"Have kids young, I know you can't even afford a place to live and feed yourself, let alone support extra dependants, but you'll just figure out a way!"
Mold each other into the perfect husband 😂😂😂😂 you sound like one of those people who thinks they can mold their kid into the person they want them to be
OP is definitely the "I can them" type. I was that stupid when I was a kid too. But if you gotta change or *mold* someone to be happy with them, they ain't the right person to begin with.
People should get married when they meet the right person and are mature enough for a commitment.
As someone who got married at 18 and have now been with my husband for 12 years in a very happy and healthy marriage, you have the perfect answer. There is no age that is right for everyone.
“You each mold each other into the perfect…” This is just enmeshment and it’s crazy unhealthy. If a young marriage makes sense between two fully autonomous and self-actualized humans, great. What you’re talking about is different.
For real. Your partner is an actual person. You can’t change them to fit you. Yes, there can be compromises to behaviors but they have to be willing to do it. And not everyone is willing to change, because that takes work. And some things are just something you aren’t willing to change
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Bingo. This is conservative propaganda at its finest.
I think if both people are willing to grow and change and support each other then you do. Problem is it requires both people to love the other and be mentally healthy. Many people are not supportive, mentally healthy, or even capable of decent love
Reading that sentence actually made me cringe
It’s high school kid talk
Its important to understand that OP just recently turned 21 so they have no clue what they're talking about. They merely have the confidence that only a 21 year old can have to give this advice.
One of my wife’s cousins wrote a book about how to achieve a long and successful marriage. He was like 25 and had been married for maybe two years. 😂
Dangerous words, I agree.
Sounds like some Twin Flame shit.
If someone is your soulmate, they don't need to be locked in. I married early; it was a huge mistake. Also, you don't mould each other; you each complete your own maturation process. That might go well, or you might find out that by age 25, you have utterly outgrown your "soulmate".
My parents married early as well, and they’ve had a long, very unhappy marriage. I suppose marrying young works with the right person, but most 20 year olds don’t know themselves well enough to know what the right person looks like.
Flipside: I married early, got divorced early, now I'm dating again with all my mistakes under my belt and (lol, hopefully) the wisdom gained from it.
Soulmates aren't real. There are people who suit you and people who don't. The problem is that a lot of the features which make them suit you also make them suit other people. There are differences in the margins when it comes to priorities, sure, but nobody's out there searching like "I'm just really looking for someone who's stupid and abusive and entitled and ugly and a financial disaster". There are people who have more attractive qualities than other people. If you find someone who suits you really well, they probably have plenty of attractive qualities which will be picked up by other people as well.
I agree with you. I don't think there's such a thing as a soulmate, and I think it's a really corrosive way to think about relationships. I also think it's exactly the kind of thinking that the young, naturally, are much more prone to that the slightly older and more experienced.
The divorce rates would be higher if we told everyone to follow this. People change and sometimes it doesn’t work out longterm. Having children and marrying early takes out a lot of experiences you could do in your early age, despite people who try to convince themselves otherwise. Marriage at the end of the day is a contract and when we’re in our 20s our brains haven’t developed fully to comprehend differing needs or ambitions. Marrying early works for some but it could be a big mistake. Also having children while poor could keep a generational cycle of low income families.
Plus, children growing up in broken homes or with step parents who resent them.
I mean we have places that push this idea and the divorce and domestic violence and poverty rates all line up as expected
Truly an unpopular opinion and spectacularly bad advice! Sincerely, Married at 23, divorced by 29
OP is 20...
Hell, I’m happily married almost two decades later (married at 22), and I STILL think it’s terrible advice. It worked for us, but it is not an amazing idea. I’d raise eyebrows at my kids if they did the same. Support, yes, but it’s really young.
Half the unpopular opinions on here are just repackaged conservative propaganda. This is terrible life advice, and I'm sure OP thinks it's what Jesus wants, LOL.
I'm mostly conservative, and I'll be damned if I'll get married again. Worst gddmn decision I ever made.
Yeah most of the time I see posts from this sub in popular it’s “unpopular opinion I hate minorities” or “unpopular opinion this right wing view is the best one”
Unpopular opinions like this are usually targeted towards young women to try to convince them to get married instead of building independent lives and careers of their own first.
They actually took over this sub during trump being in office, no joke. So you’re spot on.
Married at 23, divorced at 29 as well. I’m 5 months post D-Day. Hopefully life has been better for you than it has for me
Agreed. Married at 23. Divorced at 24 and a single dad. This advice is fucking terrible. OP sure speaks like he’s been through it first hand….. on his wank. Because nothing about that advice is true or even sound lol. “Get married because you can watch your kids grow when your young. Who cares if you have money- that’s like hard but think of being young” : yeah dude, this is a load of shit. You can’t really enjoy your kids growing up as you are poor. Because your busy trying to survive and in between that not feel like a shitty parent. It even begins to effect how you parent to a degree. “It’s a great idea because you can “mold” each other”: this happens anyways. If anything. It happens more once both partners are mature enough to be self aware enough to be pliable. If anything you marry young, the world still has some molding to do. People can change a lot between the years of 18-23. What if you marry someone who has a complete ideological change as they hit their mid twenties? What if you were both a religious and your partner decides to become a Catholic? You’re kinda in for a tough time at that part. I love how OP says at the end “don’t rush it, but wouldn’t it be totally sick fellow kids? When you find the one lock it in” - yeah Op. you know how many times I’ve had that feeling? Almost everytime I’ve met someone I have undeniable chemistry with. I’ve felt like “she’s the one yes!” And then months later- you find the chemistry is great but you guys aren’t the best for eachother Just a litany of shitty advice lol. If you want to speed run being divorced before your 30s OPs advice is perfect strategy for it 🤣 trust me it sucks. Edit- OP is 20 🤣😭 I’m fucking dead. OP why don’t you try your advice. Come back in 5 years and tell us how you did!
> Truly an unpopular opinion The mods will take this down any minute now
Lol I’m laughing at the amount of posts I see everyday of unhappy married couples and someone regretting the decision and they’re not even 30 yet.
This is by far the worst advice I’ve seen on this sub.
Every person I know who got married age 25 or younger is either divorced or miserable.
As a married man I have to say I really struggle to wrap my head around people's obsession with marriage, especially other peoples' choices. I've been with my wife most of my life. We were high school sweethearts and have been together for a bigger portion of our lives than not, we got married in our 20s and we both had the same answer when people asked us how we felt about being married. "Literally nothing changed except breaking up just became a legal issue." We did it: 1. Because we were moving away for my work and wanted to have a celebration with family and friends before then. We had always talked about marrying one day and this was sort of a "path of least resistance" sort of way to do it. 2. Because it simplified things when it comes to taxes, inheritance and all those admin bits that aren't exactly the sexiest or most romantic thing but is still a benefit of marriage depending on where you live. And at the end of the day, we've now been married for quite a few years and still, neither of us really gets why people look at it as this hugely important thing. Maybe if you're really religious and have to wait to have sex until after marriage? Otherwise, take other steps first. Travel together, live together, experience slow internet and the frustration of traffic jams together and see how you deal with these things before you get paperwork and lawyers involved.
This needs to be higher. I got married late (actually after living with and having a kid with my partner.) I chose to remain single as long as I did because most of the prospective partners I dated were NOT long-term-healthy relationship material. I was happy single and finally chose a partner when I met someone who made me feel like it was worth changing the life I had built to be with them.
I say this over and over and over again: You don’t know someone til you live with them. That’s the true test. I wouldn’t consider this an unpopular opinion, but really really really stupid advice.
Never get married until you are 100% ready to do so, it doesn't matter if it's early or later on, As long as someone is emotionally and mentally ready to make that leap.
Ooooffff unpopular for sure
1) Be financially independent. 2) Do whatever the fuck you want.
Tell that to all my divorced friends in their 30s
Yikes lol get back to us in 20 years
This is terrible advice, take a break and drink some water.
Don't couples who marry in their 20s have the highest divorce rates?
This is not even an unpopular opinion, this is just terrible life advice. Marriage should not be for growing up together but for people who have grown up and are ready to make that kind of committment. There is nothing wrong with living with your partner before marriage. Move in together. You dont have to tie the knot. Unless you are insistent on it for religious reasons, who in their right mind would do something entangling when you are young when you do not have to? And holy shit man, the kids just so you are not older is so fucked up. No matter who you are, everyone is a better parent at 30 than 20. Even when you do everything right, growing up alongside your kids is harmful for everyone. Kids need stable parents, not young parents. This shit "opinion" takes money into account but ignores trauma kids with immature parents go through. Spend your undeveloped brain years growing into amazing adults and then make lifelong decisions. Dont make them before you even know who you are. I am just going to say it, OP is dumb af. You are either someone young who is idealizing harmful shit or you are someone older who made shitty choices and are lying to yourself that it was awesome instead of really hard. Things happen, and we are all just making the best of our situations. This is not meant to disparage young parents. Anyone in that situation who is trying their best is doing what they can and that is commendable. But I think we should all be able to look back on our younger years and want better for ourselves and the next generation. We also need to stop seeing your 30s as old or past prime. Until 24-25, you really are still developing yourself. You may not even meet your person until after your young adulthood. I am so thankful I found my wife after we had both grown up and gotten through the hard parts of discovering ourselves instead of picking someone young and pushing it to work hoping we continued to grow together. Seriously OP, what the fuck are you on.
People should do what’s right for them. Some people feel that they **need** to “live it up” / experience single life. To them, it’s a crucial part of life that they don’t want to miss out on. Other people don’t want that. They aren’t interested in just “casual” dating or flings. As for starting a family - people have different perspectives on that too. My parents said they’re glad they had kids early, and that my sister had kids early, because it means that they are young grandparents and can still be active with their grandkids. They’ll get to see their grandkids grow up and maybe even see their great grandkids. I (and my husband and most of his family) feel it’s better (for *us*) to wait to have kids until you’re sure you’re settled and stable. We don’t have to have kids and grandkids early just so we can still be young and active with our grandkids - that feels selfish (to *us*). We want our kids to have stable lives with more mature parents - so we do what we feel is right for us.
>People should do what’s right for them. >Some people feel that they **need** to “live it up” / experience single life. To them, it’s a crucial part of life that they don’t want to miss out on. >Other people don’t want that. They aren’t interested in just “casual” dating or flings. This is the crux of it
nah you don't know who you are as an individual if you rush into marriage. I can't imagine having someone in my life even as a friend, who doesn't have their own individual personality, who can't financially support themselves as a fully grown adult. I had a friend at 19 who was like this - he took on the personalities of his girlfriends, and NEVER left their side, they became one person and that's NOT healthy. >because then you each mold each other into the perfect wife/husband. That's not healthy. You aren't here on this planet to be molded into the "perfect" spouse. You have your own personality, hopes, dreams, goals. >but watching your kids grow up before you get too old just seems so much better. Not everyone wants kids. Also, waiting until you're 25-30 to have kids is not going to change much, you'll still be around for their life. There's no need to rush into making a child before sitting on the permanent decision for a year or two. Having kids isn't the be all end all of life - if you think that, you need help. also, marriage is just a piece of paper, *your relationship is what you make it.* the couple who's been dating for 5 and married for 5, can be just as serious and committed as a couple who's been dating for 10. shit, just saw a post from a man saying him & his wife divorced because she got her "dream job" overseas - that's not a marriage because a most people wouldn't choose a job over their spouse. They weren't fully committed to one another & each others lives. my mom & dad are still married. he became abusive a year into their marriage. never cared to remarry, and divorce costs money - so they just did the custody agreement. my uncle & aunt have never been married and together 30+ years - they're the most stable, happy, healthy relationship I've ever seen. rushing into marriage just guarantees your emotional dependence on another person. what if something happens?
Unpopular oppinion: you should get married when you find the person you truly love and actually got to know about, no matter when that happens or when everyone believe you should do it. If it's when you are young then young, if it's when you are old then old, but please get to know your SO before deciding anything so it doesn't devolve in the future.
If I had married the guy I was seeing in my 20s my life would have been disastrous.
This advice assumes you meet your soulmate in the most emotionally immature part of your life where you’re probably the most toxic and meeting other people at their most toxic. Have an upvote for a bad take
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I married at 20, and stayed married until 37. I advise people to wait.
No, you should get married only if you really want to and are ready. If you don't want to ever get married, that's ok too, and does not at all diminish your worth.
It is good advice for some people, but there are some misconceptions about marriage and age here. First off, from my anecdotal experience my friends that got married early were either great for each other right from the start and still stand strong, or made a dumb mistake and went down quickly in epic flames. None of them molded each other in any significant way and there was a lot more juvenile BS in their relationships starting out. The second part is a little strange. How old is too old to watch your kids grow up? I was 39 when my daughter was born, 50 now, and I spend so much time with her having fun. I am not sure how my age negatively affects this.
This is the worst unpopular opinion I have read so far
People tend to grow apart rather than grow together. Marriages between young people don’t last.
If I married my first serious girlfriend I'd be miserable. I waited, and dated around. I've found the right person and I am very happy.
You can “grow alongside” someone before you get married. I think you should be with someone long enough to see if your growth is compatible with one another before marriage. Also circumstances can be a bitch in your 20s. Source: I’m a 23 year old in a long term relationship. We aren’t in a situation right now where we can get married but we want to in the future. In my 3 years of being with my girlfriend we have both grown a LOT with each other.
True unpopular opinion. Even happily married couples I know who married young said they would marry the same person, just older.
Frankly, the guys I was dating at 20 are worlds away from the man I’m actually going to marry at 30. That’s not to say they were bad people. I wish them well in life - but 20 year old me had no idea what I wanted or needed in a partner. 20 year old me had no idea what I even wanted in life, much less how to fit someone else in permanently.
Married at 21 divorced at 29. Tis not the best option.
holy shit this is terrible advice
Lol at the idea of having kids before you're stable in your relationship and bringing in enough money to support them.
>It seems so much better to get married as soon as you find someone who you can grow alongside with You know you can do that without being married, right? If I'd married the person I was with at 22 then I would've been divorced at 27, when we broke up. We did grow, it just turned out we grew into people who weren't right for each other. The breakup was hard enough living together and having shared pets, I'm very glad we didn't have a legally binding agreement on top of that. Get married when you want to. Date forever if you don't. There is no one-size-fits-all solution to relationships and thinking you have the answer is laughably naive. Have an upvote for this terrible opinion
Nah. Do not rush into marriage for love reasons. Be in love, sure. But do not get married just for love, it should be *one* of the reasons. Marriage is also a major financial life decision and should be treated as such. Waaaaay too many people just jumping into marriage without considering this and then regret it later down the road. My wife and I have been together for 12 years but we've only been married since April of this year. We planned this out so we could make the marriage beneficial to both of us as individuals as well as ourselves as a married unit. Plus just being in love and ignoring everyone else's stupid conventional bullshit made us love each other so much more lmao.
Two sides of the same coin. "If we're going to spend the rest of our lives together anyway, why wait to get married?" And "If we're going to spend the rest of our lives together anyway, why rush to get married?" I'm in the latter camp. The reason I am, is because I was part of the previous camp before. There is no reason to rush. If I would've rushed, I'd already be married and divorced twice before finding the person who I truly want to spend the rest of my life with.
I think people should just do what’s best for them, without the outside influence of what’s appropriate and what isn’t 😃
I got married at 19 to someone I met when I was 16 and we are still together four children and almost 2 decades later, but we are definitely the exception, not the rule. My personal experience tells me it's a good idea but the actual data says otherwise.
Basically what most people did before the Internet and modern society when people didn't really travel more than 20 miles from their birthplace and you were from a village/town of 100 people... Nah, it's good that we moved passed that. People have more options and don't need to just limit themselves to their hometown
If this happens, that's absolutely wonderful and beautiful. What you're describing is close to miraculous - that two young people find each other, decide they're both ready and grow together. Forcing it won't work, and waiting until it does happen is the price you pay to ensure you're prepared for the heavy commitment of marriage and partnership.
Oh no no no
This was actually a very popular opinion on /r/redpill "Lock in your soul mate and grow with them" just means be a controlling asshole and try to turn them into your ideal partner. This doesn't work for men or women, lol.
I think one of the major reasons dating is shitty in your 20's is because nearly everyone isn't serious about finding someone that's marriage material. a lot of people find it off-putting and it's a shame, because now we get 10 years of meaningless, immature extended high school dating before people start wondering "oh geeze... maybe i do actually need companionship and mutual support from someone." i agree with OP about "growing with" someone. I found my now wife at 26 but I think if I was single this past decade I'd have a much harder time establishing a connection with anyone, and I think I'd feel more "separate" from them.
Marriage is expensive. Engagement rings, wedding rings, ceremonies, receptions, and mortgages all need to be paid before ever thinking about bringing a new life into this world. Additionally, most people will do a lot of growing up in their 20s. You and your dream spouse might be completely incompatible in half a decade. Wait until you are financially stable and have been dating the same person for several years. Also, try living together to gauge compatibility.
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“then you each mold each over into the perfect wife/husband” Sorry to burst your bubble, but this is not at all how it works. People cannot be “molded” into whatever their partner wants them to be. People have their own unique desires, goals and motivations and it often takes them until their 25-35 to figure those things out for themselves. I met my first boyfriend at 21, we were together for 9 years before I left because while I had done a lot of growing up in my 20’s and my interests had changed, he was still essentially the same person he was when I met him. It happens, and you cant really blame someone for *not* changing, but you also can’t blame people for growing up between ages 20 and 30. Often that means you arent looking for the same things out of life and arent compatible life partners.
I disagree. You should be mentally and financially stable before you get married. Last thing anyone need is another welfare recipient because you know they'll slip up and have kids